IT seems then, that not one Man can be found among the whole Pr—ry Faction, who will appear openly, and acknowledge himself the Author of the Answer to Mr. F's Remarks, or even undertake to sup­port the Facts therein alledged. From the Proofs they had repeatedly given of what, for the Sake of murdering Reputations, they could do, it was the general receiv'd Opinion, that there was nothing in their Power, which might have a Chance of contributing to that End, but what some of them would do. But we were it seems mistaken, and it is a Piece of Justice due to them that we should confess it to the Pub­lick. Neither the great Gyant himself, nor even any of his Vassals of the Col—ge or Cor—n, are yet so lost to all Sense of Shame as publickly to avow a Performance of so vile and infamous a Nature. It is extraordinary, but as it is true, they ought to have Credit for so much unexpected Goodness.

[Page 10]BUT how has the Goliath of the Philistines extricated himself from the Challenge of little David? Alas, in a manner very unbecoming so great a Gyant! When neither Threats or Entreaties could prevail on a single Son of Sedi­tion to stand forth in his Behalf, and front the Danger, he meanly condescends to act the Part of a Quack-Doctor!

BEHOLD, a Jack-Pudding or Merry-Andrew is provided! — He mounts the Stage, properly accoutred in his Mask and Fool's- Cap; jumps—dances—capers—jingles his Bells— laughs—grins—and chatters like a Monkey— when he has climb'd so high as to show his naked Posteriors: Sometimes we see him lolling out his Tongue and making game at the gaping Multitude, and sometimes doing the like at the very worthy Doctor himself; who, poor Soul, being busily employed in dispensing the Papers and Pacquets of poisonous Drugs which he had got prepared for the Purpose, is not the least sensible of the ridiculous Figure he makes.

WITH your Leave, Gentle Reader, we will open one of these Papers, examine its Contents, and analyse the Composition.

WE find then, in the first Place, that ‘Mr. H—s, for very substantial Reasons, is supposed not to be the Author of his Challenge.’ What those substantial Reasons may be, we are, however left to guess till we come to the last Paragraph, where it is intimated, that he is not ‘capable of writing an Advertisement.’ Suppose this to be really the Case (which, by the Bye, no one the least acquainted with Mr. H—s will admit) pray, is it the less his Challenge on that Account? Does not his publishing it with his Name affixed, make it as much his Challenge as if he penn'd or indited every Syllable? Is not the famous, or rather infamous, Protest, considered as the Protest of Mr. A—n and the other Subscribers, tho' 'tis well known to be drawn up by the pitiful ^* Mr. D—n, revised, corrected and amended by the Rev. Sentiment-dresser-General of the [Page 11] Pr—ry Party? — And, after all, why is Mr. H—s to be supposed not capable of writing an Advertisement? Surely it cannot be said that any extraordinary Genius or Abilities are necessary for such a Purpose, since we have, in the very News-paper containing Mr. H—s Challenge, an Advertisement wrote by Messrs. Al—n and T—er. These respectable Gentlemen, it seems, being about to leave off their Business of Boiling and Baking, have advertised for Sale the Pots, Pans, and other Utensils belonging to their Trade. ^†

IF therefore Mr. H—s is really not capable of wording an Advertisement, and is ambitious of acquiring that very profound Knowledge, he has now the happiest Oppor­tunity that could possibly have offered. Let him resolve but to take Pattern by the learned Messrs. Al—n and Tu—er [...] and he will find that he has little more to do than to provide himself with a large Quantity of WITHS to tye his Words and Sentences together: The rest will follow easy enough. For Example, ‘TO BE SOLD, the Copper Boilers, Copper Coolers and Pans— with a large Number of Moulds and Drips— with every other Material ready for carrying on the Business;—toge­ther with the Still-House— with the Worms and Tubs— with a large Shed,’ &c.

EVERY Author has his Admirers, and 'tis not impro­bable but there may be, among Messrs. Al—n and T—r's Readers, some who will fancy they see great Beauties in [Page 12] their Performance; nor should it be wondered at, if some Academical Haberdashers of Nouns and Pronouns, should undertake to convince us, that so much Clearness and clas­sical Elegance of Style, never before entered into a Com­position of so trivial a Nature.

We are told, among other Things offered by Way of Excuse for the Author of the Answer not avowing his Performance, that ‘the subscribing political Papers has not been a common Practice either here or in the Mother Country, nor would it be a convenient One.’ —What the common Practice in the Mother Country may be, with regard to political Papers, I can say nothing of my own Knowledge, as I never was there. But I look upon the Paper in question to be not so much a political as a per­sonal Paper: Far the greatest Part of it consists of personal Reflections against Mr. F—n. Now, I am told by those who have resided in England, that it is very uncommon there to attack in Print a Person's private Character on account of any Difference in Sentiments about publick Affairs; and that Wilkes and Churchill are almost the only Dealers in that dirty Business who have appeared there for many Years. The first of these we find, has on that Account been outlawed by King, Lords, and Commons; and the second held in Detestation by every good Man throughout the King's Dominions. Nor can I find that the Practice was ever introduced into this Country, till the very Revd. Dr. S—h made his Appearance, and we all know what great Veneration and Esteem he has thereby acquired.—It is therefore not to be wondered at, if Persons of their Stamp should not think it convenient to be known to the Publick.

But ‘the Cause of Liberty (we are told) would often be left to suffer, if her Advocates were obliged to expose their Names to the Clamor of Party or the Resentment of Power.’ In so glorious a Cause as that of Liberty, no Man ought to be afraid to stand forth. Those who have rendered it the greatest Services have ever been such [Page 13] as most openly appeared in its Behalf. But why should our Author, of all Men, be afraid of the ‘ Clamor of Party,’ or the "Resentment of Power," since, according to his own Account, ‘five Sixths of the People of this Province who have seen his Answer have decided in its Favour,’ and since he is assured of having most of the Officers in the Executive Part of Government on his Side?—For they that hold Commissions must not dare, it seems, to act otherwise than as they are directed.

IT is said, however, that ‘almost all Mr. F's political Pieces have appeared without a Name, such as, his Preface to Mr. G—y's Speech, his Cool Thoughts, his Narrative, his Historical Review, and many more, in which he has taken great Freedom with the Characters of others.’ But, to have shown that Mr. F—n's Con­duct was similar to our Author's, he should have [...] an Instance of that Gentleman's having published an anonymous Answer to some Piece that had been published with the Writer's Name subscribed, and had therein attack­ed the said Writer's private Character. As to the Pieces mentioned, they are very far from proving any Thing to the Point.

HIS Preface is an anonymous Answer to Parson Pe—rs's, Parson S—th's, Parson Al—on's, and Parson Ew—n's anonymous Preface to what was called Mr. Dic—n's Speech. Yet tho' he was greatly reflected upon in their Preface, he has but just named the first as it were, and of the second all that he has said, which is any Ways per­sonal, is, " S—h that Poisoner of other Men's Characters." And, when 'tis considered how long Mr. F—n had patiently borne with that prostitute Writer's Attack on his Character, it is surprising he let him off so gently. The other two Rev. Assassins he has not so much as mentioned in any Thing he has yet wrote.

HIS Cool Thoughts do not contain one single Thing relative to any Man's Character in the Province, but is a mere Answer to such Objections as had been made against a Royal Government.

[Page 14]HIS Narrative—Is that too to be thrown in his Teeth! And can Pr—ry Partisans mention the Word NARRA­TIVE without Confusion! Does that contain the minutest Reflection on any but those who have fix'd an indelible Stain on their Country, their Religion, on Humanity itself?—the horrid Murderers of innocent Men, Women, and Babes, who were at the very Time under their Protec­tion! Was it not expressly wrote to spirit up the People to defend the G—r, who was insulted and threatened, and to strengthen the Powers of Government which were despised and trampled upon? Was it not highly approved of by the G—r, Mr. H—n, the At—y Gen—I, Mr. Pe—rs, and every Pr—ry Minion in the Province? Did not even the haughty Pr—r himself deign to praise it, and commend Mr. F—n's Conduct on the Occasion to his Friends in England? Nay, did not the rancorous great Gyant for once check the Overflowing of his Gall, and vent a Grunt of Approbation? Did not his Letters from England greatly condemn the Conduct of the Rioters and their Abettors? And, after he return'd, did he not daily bellow out in the Coffee-House the Necessity there was, for the Honour of the Province, to bring those Murderers to Justice, till it was hinted to him that he had best be silent or he would endanger his Election? Did not the G—r in a manner throw himself upon Mr. F—n and his Friends for Protection; and did not they extricate him from all his Difficulties— even at the Risque of their Lives? Did not the G—r acknowledge himself under great Obligations to them on this Account? But — O shameful! —Was there not within two Days after a Union formed with those very Murderers, and their Abettors, against the very Persons who had shown themselves His H—r's Friends in the Time of Danger? And, lastly, was not this very extraordinary Conduct, and the afterwards insisting on the best of the Pr—ry's Land being tax'd no higher than the worst of the People's, the principal Causes of a Majority of the Freeholders, and their Representatives, determining on a [Page 15] Change of Government? Let them deny any one of this String of Queries, if they dare. Should they be so hardy, another Narrative shall appear, that shall probe their Con­sciences to the very Quick, even though they may be sear'd with a hot Iron.

THERE remains then on the List, only, "His Historical Review" as it is called; but as I am well assured from good Authority, that he did not compile that Work, and as it is little more than a mete Relation of the publick Conduct of the several Branches of our Legislature, there is nothing farther necessary to be said on that Head.—And as to the "many more" of his political Pieces, which our Author has not named, he is defy'd to produce one wherein Mr. F—n begun an Attack on any Man's Reputation. If in any ‘he has taken great Freedom with the Characters of others,’ it is only where he has been drove to it in his own Defence, and after he had pass'd by so many villainous Aspersions of his Character, as to induce his Calumniators to think they might continue to abuse him with Impunity.

MR. F—n's Friends are next asked, ‘Why they will insist upon a Practice so different from his own, and even make it a Condition on which alone they will make a Reply?’ They do not, as appears from what is already said, insist upon any Practice different from his own; all they ask, and in which every honest Man will think them right, is▪ that his Adversaries will act in the same open Manner he has done, and subscribe their Names to their Performance.— Even his anonymous Pieces were so far from being disown'd by him, that he always, upon being ask'd, acknowledged he was the Author. But of all the Shoal of anonymous Prop—ry Papers which have appeared during our Contests, there cannot be found a Man that will own one of them; on the contrary, the greatest Care and Pains is taken to conceal the Names of their several Writers.

[Page 16]FROM whence they have gathered, that Mr. F—n's Friends ‘make it a Condition on which alone they will make a Reply,’ I am at a Loss to guess. No Words in Mr. H—s's Advertisement imply any thing of the kind. It is there said, that if they will avow their Performance, in such Case, there shall be a Reply published with the Writer's Name affixed. But surely this is not to be con­strued to mean that, if they don't avow it, there will then be no Reply made, either anonymous or otherwise. If you really, Gentlemen, do imagine that this was the Intention of either Mr. H—s, or any other of Mr. F—n's Friends, you flatter yourselves egregiously. They were determined, from the first, to ‘detect and expose what was false in the Answer to the Remarks,’ but then they wanted also to detect and expose the Author of those Falsities, and thereby prevent his imposing on the Publick in future; which could not be done without he could be made to appear. For this Purpose, and to show his Regard for an absent Friend, Mr. H—s published his Challenge; but, to do you Justice, you have had the Address to discover the Plot, and have therefore prudently declined entering the Lists.

SINCE Matters are thus circumstanced, and you are determined, like your Brother Savages of the Ohio, to keep to your Bush-Fighting, we must engage you in the same Manner. A prudent Officer will always adapt his Operations to the Nature of his Enemy, and attack them in their own Way.— By this Conduct Boquet conquered; by the contrary Braddock was defeated.

AS to myself, I am but young and inexperienced in waging Wordy-War, this being the first Campaign I ever served; yet have I Spirit enough to attack the great Giant himself in his Castle, notwithstanding all his Blunderbusses. But shou'd I not succeed in my Attempt, there is a hardy Band of Veterans, all sure Marksmen, and long enured to Service, who intend soon to charge their Rifle-barrel'd Quills, and make one general Assault on the Giant and all his Adherents. A Body of light Infantry, all Volunteers [Page 17] of undaunted Courage, have already entered into the Service, and have undertaken to skirmish with the Enemy's Flankers and advanced Guards, and occasionally attack some of their Out-Posts.

HOWEVER, setting aside the "blundering Simplicity" of our Author, who stiles Mr. H—s a " Welsh Squire," tho' he was born in Pennsylvania, I shall proceed to the next Sentence, which is indeed a curious One. It is there said, that Mr. H—s ‘by calling for a Gentleman of Character to enter the Lists with him, is made to pay himself the Compliment of being a Gentleman of Charac­ter, and to allow Mr. A—n to be the same, tho' the Author of the Remarks had asserted the direct contrary.’ On this I would just observe, that if Mr. H—s did really call Mr. A—n a Gentleman of Character, he then certainly might call himself so, without incurring the Imputation of paying himself a Compliment. But as he really did not make use of that Appellation to Mr. A—n, he stands totally clear of the Charge. His Words are, ‘if Mr. A—n, OR any Gentleman of Character.’ Here is a very plain Distinction made by him, and it is evident he could not intend to compliment Mr. A—n with that Title; for, if he had, he would have said, ‘or any other Gentle­man of Character, &c.’ — The Author of the Remarks likewise stands as clear of the Charge of having ‘ asserted that Mr. A—n was not a Gentleman of Character,’ for he has asserted no such Thing. It must, however, be allowed, that he pointed out some Parts of Mr. A—n's Conduct which prove he has not always acted up to the Character of a Gentleman.

WE are next told, ‘that the greatest Part of the Charges in the Answer are taken from the Protest, which has been signed not only by Mr. A—n, but nine other Gentlemen of undisputed Character, and therefore any further Signing would have been unnecessary.’ This also is a gross Misrepresentation; for scarce a Tenth Part of the Charges are taken from the Protest. A con­siderable [Page 18] Number of them were not even then invented. Those contained in the Protest were fully refuted by the Remarks, not only to the Satisfaction of every Man of Candor, but even of some of the Protesters themselves. However, I shall leave that Matter to be properly repre­sented in the Reply; and only just remark here, that I cannot see with what Propriety, Men, who have publickly asserted, what some of them knew at the Time to be absolutely false, and others of them knew nothing at all about, merely to blast the Reputation of a Fellow Citizen who never did one of them the least Injury, can be said to be Gentlemen of undisputed Character.

I have, however, so much Charity as to believe that several of the Protesters are now so ashamed of the scan­dalous Part they have acted, that they would refuse to do the like again, even tho' directed by Mr. A—n, and threaten'd with the Loss of their Commissions. It is but Justice too that I should mention my having heard that one of them has declared, "He almost wished his Hand had been cut off before he sign'd the Protest, but that he was prevailed upon to do it against his Judgment."

AND when Mr. A—n himself was interrogated concern­ing the Reason of his Conduct on the Occasion. He an­swered, that he was hurried into it, having scarce Time to read the Paper over; for that he received it while he was at Dinner at New Castle, with a Letter from Philadelphia, purporting, "That if he did not sign it first none of the rest would, and that there would likewise be Danger of some of their Country Members not joining them at a future Sessions, unless they could carry down with them some specious Reasons to justify their Conduct to their Constitu­ents, [Page 19] which Purpose would be best answered by publishing the said Protest with their Names subscribed." But, un­luckily for the Gentleman's Veracity, it has since come out, that he did read it over several Times, show'd it to Mr. C—w, and desired his Opinion of it. Mr. C—w read it accordingly, and advised Mr. A—n in Words to this Effect: "By no Means put your Name to it —it is a vey foolish Affair —can be of no Service to our Cause —and if you sign it you may depend that Mr. F—n will expose you in such a Manner as to make you repent it as long as you live." Sign it, however, he did, and gloried in it till the Remarks appeared. When they came out, he was in a terrible Tre­pidation indeed. "Wha-wha-wha-What▪ (says he to one of his Acquaintance) can make Mr. F—n use me in this Manner —He-he-he seems angry! Bla-bla-bla-Bless me, I never dreamt he would have ta-ta-ta-taken it so ill, or I should not have signed it —I don't know that I ever spo-spo-spoke a disrespectful Word of him in my Life —I always thought him a Ma-ma-Man of Integrity and a Ma-ma-Man of Abilities, tho' I did not like his Po-po-po-Politicks."

HOW very little disrespectful he has talk'd of Mr. F—n let those testify who have had the Honour of being in his Company at any Time within the last seven Years. I can call on some of them who can vouch, that he has not only scandalously traduced that Gentleman's Character in Eng­land and America, but even meanly attempted to blast the Reputation of his Son, because the Father and himself dif­fered in their Political Sentiments. Though the Son has neither directly or indirectly interfered in our Disputes since his Return from England, has treated all those of the Pr—ry Party, who have fallen in his Way, with as much Civility as he has done those of the other, yet has this venomous Slanderer continually aspersed his Character, and even had the Villainy to accuse him of a Transaction that every Man in the Government where he resides knows to be totally FALSE. Not contented, however, with thus vil­lifying him in private, he has had the Baseness to employ [Page 20] those Miscreants S—th, Ew-n and D-ve, to give him a Spattering of their Hog Wash in almost all their execrable Performances! — But this is not the only Instance which can be produced of his carrying his Malice and Resentment to the Children of those who have occasionally disobliged him.

THAT he who is so link'd with the Prop—r, and has had, with his Brother-in-law, the almost sole Disposition of Offices in this Province for a considerable Number of Years, should be strenuous in opposing a King's Govern­ment, is not to be wondered at; nor should we blame him greatly, or any others possess'd of Offices under the Pro—r, for their Struggle on this Occasion, provided they behaved decently; and did not, for the Sake of succeeding in their Schemes, attack the good Names of those who are of a different Opinion with themselves. This is what no Men, who deserve good Names, can always have such Command over themselves as not to resent; nor can it be thought to be wrong, by him who has any Feelings, if at some Time or other they take that Revenge which may be in their Power.

AS to Mr. F—n's POLITICS, which Mr. A—n has such an Aversion to, let the Messages on the Minutes of Assembly, and his other political Writings declare. They will there be found to be such as must do him Honour with all Lovers of Liberty and Justice, as long as Liberty and Justice are held in any Repute.

TO proceed, ‘Mr. H—s ('tis said) knew he trod on safe Ground, by calling on Mr. A—n particularly in this Affair, as he well knew that Mr. A—n would not chuse to enter the Lists with such an Antagonist as had yet appeared.’ But, pray, Mr. Author, who was the Antagonist that Mr. H—s knew had appeared? How­ever, as I conceive your Meaning, I shan't differ with you about Words. I should nevertheless, be glad to be informed why Mr. H—s is not a proper Antagonist for Mr. A—n.

[Page 21]IS it on Account of Family? ^* If that be the Case, I must tell them, that Mr. H—s's Grandfather brought Money with him into this Country; Part of which he laid out in Land that Mr. H—s now possesses. Mr. A—n will therefore excuse my drawing the Parallel between them in this Instance.

IS it on Account of Fortune?— Mr. A—n is to be sure, by a lucky Concurrence of Circumstances, by Pr—ry Favour in Land Purchases, by illicit Trade, and by — what may be mentioned another Time, possessed of a large Estate.—As to Mr. H—s, his Father left him a handsome Fortune, to which he has made a considerable Addition by his honest Industry and good Management. It is true that his Estate is not so great as Mr. A—n's, but it is neverthe­less such as puts him upon a Footing with any Man in the Province.

IS it on Account of Rank?— Mr. A—n is a Member of Assembly brought in by Pr—ry Interest for an incon­siderable distant County.— Mr. H—s is likewise a Member of Assembly; but brought in, for a Number of Years [Page 22] past, by a considerable Majority of the most wealthy and independent Freeholders of the most wealthy County in the Province, without the least Sollicitation on his Part, and without Bribery, Corruption, Threats, Promises, or Per­jury. — But is not Mr. A—n a C—f J—ce? True; but he is a Pr—ry C—f J—ce, during Pr—ry Will and Pleasure; and holds his Office on such Terms as make it much to be doubted, Whether there is more than one Man besides in the Province who would accept the Commission if it was vacant.

IS it on Account of Abilities?— Some of Mr. A—n's Friends may perhaps say of him, as Sancho said of his Master Don Quixote, ‘in Speeching and Understanding he knows a Point more than the Devil himself.’ It must be confessed, that when he shuts his Eyes, strains hard, and makes the Tobacco foam at his Mouth, he does sputter out some very extraordinary Sentiments indeed! But powerful as he is, even those very Friends acknowledge that he was no ways a Match for Mr. H—s, in the Debates at the last Sessions; on the contrary, that the latter answer­ed and refuted every Thing that was advanced by the other, so that he could not succeed in any one Point he undertook to carry for the Pr—r, nor even make a single Convert to his Party.— Our Author, therefore, if he had understood his Business, would, instead of depreciating, have magnify'd Mr. H—s's Abilities, that the Defeat his Patron and Em­ployer suffered might appear the less disgraceful.

IS it on Account of Loyalty?— Mr. H—s has ever since he has been in the Assembly, constantly promoted the King's Service, even when Pr—ry Power for Pr—ry Interest has opposed it: He has been generally one of the Commissioners appointed by G—r and Assembly for dis­posing of the Money granted to the Crown: He has, in order to free us from Pr—ry Bondage openly appeared in Behalf of a Royal Government: His Majesty's Picture has a Place in his Parlour, and as the old Song has it, ‘He drinks the King's Health as oft as he dines.’ [Page 23] But for Mr. A—n, he has openly opposed a King's Govern­ment, has in Time of War supply'd the King's Enemies with Military Stores, told us repeatedly, That we should find the King's little Finger heavier than the Pr—r's whole Loins, and told us— something still worse of His Majesty, if possible, for which I must beg the Reader's Patience till the Reply appears: Instead of the King's Health, Success to the Minority (who oppose the King's Measures in Eng­land) is his standing Toast; and, instead of the King's Picture, he has hung up the Portrait of JOHN WILKES!— the most vile Calumniator of Majesty that has ever yet appeared!—a Man so very abandoned and profligate, that the greatest Part of the very Minority whose Tool he was held him in Abhorrence!

If then Mr. A—n has no greater Advantages over Mr. H—s, in Point of Family, Fortune, Rank, Abilities, and Loyalty, than what are mentioned, I should be glad to be informed, on what Account it is that Mr. A—n will ‘not enter the Lists with such an Antagonist.’ When the true Reason appears, I make no doubt but that it will be found neither more or less than this, That he was afraid of being as shamefully defeated in Writing as he had been before in Speaking.

Our Author next tells us, ‘that Mr. A—n neither was, nor could be supposed, the Author of a Performance in which so much is said to his own Advantage, and that his Modesty and Sense would at least have prevented this.’ But as his possessing those two Qualities was not a Matter of publick Notoriety, the Supposition, if there was any such, is at least excuseable: And what makes it the more so is, that, among the numerous People to whom he harangued by the Hour, there are but few who will not acknowledge that his own Praise was the Subject of a considerable Part of his Discourse. In Truth, however, he was not, nor could not, for "very substantial Reasons" be supposed the Author of the Answer to the Remarks: But as he was known to have furnished most of the Materials for the " Calumny [Page 24] Part," and to have sent the Piece when published, to all his Acquaintance abroad, recommending it as a very fine Performance, containing a just Account of Mr. F—n's Conduct; it was but reasonable to imagine, that he would be either weak or wicked enough to own himself the Author, or at least undertake to justify the Contents. This too was the rather to be expected, as he had given us a recent Instance of his assuming to himself even what he had no hand in; namely, the Putting off the Stamp-Duty; as plainly appears by a Letter from Mr. Huske, Member of Parliament, which was signed with his Name, and published in all the News-Papers on the Continent except those of Quilsylvania; and why it was not publish'd there needs not to be explained. So far it seems was he from contributing thereto, that it was the "blundering Simplicity" of our Quilsylvanian "Squire," which made the Ministry more determined in that Matter than they otherwise would have been. Such a Man as this had needs be, as our Author says, ‘not so destitute of Friends as to be under a Necessity of advocating his own Cause:’ For where a Cause requires such a deal of advocating, it would be a cruel Necessity indeed if one so little capable was obliged to perform the Whole. The Herculean Labour of cleansing the Augean Stable was not an Undertaking of half such Difficulty.

WHEN these same Friends, or rather Creatures, will accomplish their Work 'tis hard to say; for tho' they have been a long while industriously employed in whitewashing their Cause; yet they think it still so very dirty, that they are asham'd to be known to have had any hand in the Busi­ness.— It is, hovever, a little surprising that notwithstanding they labour so hard for their Employer, he should keep them so scanty both of Victuals and Money as to oblige them to give him such shrewd Hints of their wanting to have a little "Eating in the Case" even tho' it were but a few "Pies and Cakes." But lest he might suspect they only wanted Money to lay out on Betty Nic-be-ravished, a [Page 25] celebrated Pummel-holder on the Germantown Road, they assure him in some very bad Rhime, that

—And they might have added, poor Souls! if the learned Doctors of the College had no material Objection to furnishing a good Rhime, and the pitiful Master D—n would promise not to take Offence;

IT is diverting to hear one of these " poor Authors" (as they justly stile themselves when they speak of their Authorship) talk of the Danger of being "frighten'd out "of his WITS," and yet discover to his Readers that he has not even the Wit to know the Difference between leaving a Matter to Arbitration, and laying a Wager. Alas, poor Devil! even your Employer has Wit enough to know, and could have informed you, that every Man in his Wits, who has any Dispute with the Prop—rs about Property, chuses, tho' he may have the Law ever so clear of his Side, rather to leave the Matter to Arbitration, where he has " Half a Chance of a favourable Decree," than run the Risque of a Decision from a Pr—ry C—f-J—ce.

BUT the true Reason for this Jack-Pudding's terming Mr. H—s's Proposal a Wager, was, I imagine, that he might take that Opportunity of sneering at and ridiculing his Master, as he had done before in what he said about his "Modesty and Sense." This seems plain from his very Words, viz. ‘I have heard a noisy Fellow in a Coffee House, after every other Argument failed, offer (Reason or not Reason) to lay Two to One he was right.’ Now I appeal to every Frequenter of the Coffee-House, and even to those who sit in another House, whether our illustrious Chief has not been more distinguish'd for that Practice than any other Person they know, and whether the Description above quoted is not strictly applicable in all its Parts to his Worship's Honour.

[Page 26]Mr. H—s's Motives for proposing a Reference, were noble, generous, disinterested, and such as must ever do him Honour, with every Man whose good Opinion is valuable. They were to put a Stop to any further Alter­cation with Regard to the Character of his absent Friend, ‘and to prevent the Publick from being any longer imposed on by false Representations.’ He offered for that Pur­pose to leave the Points in Dispute to the Decision of Gentlemen from any of the neighbouring Provinces, as they might be supposed the most unbiassed and impartial. And, that the Publick might receive some Benefit in whatever manner the Affair might issue, he further offered to pay Ten Pounds to the Provincial Hospital, for every Fact mentioned in the Answer to the Remarks injurious to Mr. F—n's Character, which should be proved to the Satisfaction of those Gentlemen; provided the opposite Party would pay Five Pounds for every Falshood, or gross Misrepresentation their said Answer should be proved to contain. This was acting openly, like a Man of Honour engaged in a Cause which his Conscience approved: He had no Inclinations to have his Friend's true Character concealed from the World: He desired, for the Sake of the Publick, that it might undergo a strict Scrutiny, and that if Mr. F—n was the wicked Man he had been repre­sented, he might be recorded as such. This Proposal, however, was not accepted: But every Person must be convinced, that if the Party could have supported one Half of the Charges brought against Mr. F—n, they would not have omitted such an Opportunity of destroying his Reputation: For every one, the least conversant with our Affairs, knows that the Ruin of that Gentleman's Character is the grand Point they have in View, as they hope thereby to destroy the Confidence so long placed in him by the Publick— a Confidence that has so greatly contributed to baffle the repeated Attempts to render us Slaves to Pr—ry Will and Pleasure.— If what they have alledged against Mr. F—n be Truths, they are Truths of Importance to this [Page] Country, especially at this Crisis; and no Man, if he had really the Good of his Country at Heart, would be ashamed or afraid to support them publickly. But how scandalous is the Part the Pr—ry Faction have acted on the Occasion! They even make the very Equity of the Proposal a Reason for not agreeing to it; ‘for (say they) that would be securing Mr. H—s HALF A CHANCE of a favourable Decree!’— Now can these Men expect to be deem'd Gentlemen, or as having the least Tincture of Honour, who will engage in a Cause they think so very bad, that they cannot trust it to impartial Persons, because there will then be half a Chance that it is not decided in their Favour? Nothing less, it seems, will satisfy them than does their Master, the Pr—r, who will not submit any Cause of his to Judges here, unless he can command the Determination of a Majority.— Mr. H—s had not any Objection to refer the Matter to Persons chosen in Quilsyl­vania, but he imagined that it would be deemed fairest to leave it to those who might be supposed to be entirely dis­interested, and unbiassed by Party. If, however, the Protesters are willing to leave it to Gentlemen of their own Province, mutually chosen, I dare say, he has not the least Objection, notwithstanding they say, ‘ Five Sixths of the People of this Province who have seen the Answer to the Remarks seem already to have decided in its Favour.’

THAT Word seem is indeed cautiously chosen, but it cannot with Truth be applied to any but P—ry Minions; "five Sixths" of whom, it must be confessed do seem, and only seem, to "decide in its Favour"— because they dare not do otherwise: But even among them there is not a single Man to be found who thinks so favourably of it, as to show himself openly in its Behalf. As to other Readers of the Answer in this Province, there is not even one in Five hundred but what are so far from seeming to approve, that they publickly express their Abhorrence of it and its Authors, and think they ought, if possible, to be dragg'd into Light, and exposed to publick Scorn.

[Page 28]THOSE Words "Five Sixths" may likewise serve well enough to amuse the Pr—r who lives at a Distance, and make him believe that tho' they did not succeed in making a Change in the Assembly, (which the Party promised him they would, in order to enable him to carry all his Points, and save him from the Mortification of doing Justice to the People) yet that by their Writings and Influence they had brought over a great Majority of the Inhabitants to their Side. In this Manner they amused the G—r when he was at N-w-C—le, during the last Sitting of Assembly. Letters were daily sent him by Mr. A—n, to let him know that Matters went on swimmingly in the House, that the Pr—ry Party there was encreasing apace, and that he had not the least doubt but he should have every Thing managed agreeable to his Wishes. [For who could withstand the Force of so much Eloquence!] But alas, when Matters came to be put to the Vote, he found that he was not even able to carry a single Point, or to make a single Convert; but on the contrary, some of the very Members whom the Pr—ry Party had got chosen, were ashamed to appear in such a Cause, and therefore joined the other Side. The Figure he made when he appeared before the G—r at N-w-C—le with the dismal News of his ill Success, was even more woeful than that of the Knight of the woeful Figure himself.— In the same ridiculous Light must he appear to the Pr—rs; for they are not quite so devoid of Under­standing (whatever he may have reason to think of them) as to believe it possible that so great a Majority of the House would have ventured to have chosen Mr. F—n to represent the Province in England, after so much had been said and done to prevent it, if they were not assured of its being agreable to a great Majority of their Constituents.

‘MR. H—s (proceeds our Author) tells us, or is made to tell us, that he could not observe a Ruffian attempting to stab his Friend in the Dark, without endeavouring to avert the Blow.’ On this I would beg Leave to remark, that tho' it may, perhaps be proper enough for the learned [Page 29] Owls of the College to talk of observing in the Dark, as they have been of late so much employed in Works of Darkness, yet as Mr. H—s does not pretend to be one of those favourite Birds of Wisdom, so neither does he incline to deprive them of the Honour of their own dark Observa­tions. In truth he has not made use of such an Expression: All that he is ambitious of, in conveying his Sentiments, is to [...] and speak plain English, unornamented even by Hibernian Tropes and Figures; notwithstanding what Butler alledges,

The Sentence to which the above Quotation from our Author alludes, is this: ‘But as I am fully persuaded of the Truth of what he [Mr. F—n] asserted in the Remarks, That his Reputation is dearer to him than Life, I think it would be as inconsistent with the Esteem and Friendship I have long professed for him, were I to see his Character so insidiously and infamously attacked, without my appearing in his Behalf, as it would be for me to observe a Ruffian attempting to stab him in the Back, without my offering to avert the Blow.—’ "Now it may be curious to observe, how" our Author, by alter­ing, transposing, and adding to the Words of the latter Part of this Sentence, without paying any Regard to their Connection with the former Part, has, as he thinks, fur­nished himself with an Opportunity of displaying an infinite deal of Wit and Humour. This indeed is no uncommon Practice with Men of heavy Intellects, who having no genuine Wit of their own, are obliged to study how to be witty. Thus have I observed some of your second Rate Punsters, who not being able to start a Pun off hand on Things as they occur in the Course of Conversation (with­out which the best is scarcely tolerable) do therefore labour hard to force the Discourse to such Subjects as may pro­perly [Page 30] introduce the Puns they had previously prepared in their Closets. And thus has our Author managed: Having furnished himself with a Quantity of Stuff which he took to be good sound Wit, and being determined to squirt it all at Mr. H—s's Advertisement, he examines that care­fully over in order to find some Spot proper for its Recep­tion, but not being able to discover any, he falls immediately to work to make one; just as some Curs strive hard to scratch a Hole in which they may discharge their Excre­ment.

SO much, by Way of Simile, in Complaisance to our Author, who seems very fond of the Business of Simile-making; and 'tis no Wonder that he should; for he has a most surprizing Skill in adapting them to his Subject. For Instance: After supposing Mr. H—s "to call out aloud to a mask'd Ruffian (whom he had observed to come behind his Friend and give him a sound Drubbing) that if the Villain would but show his Face, or tell his Name, he would grind him to Powder," he tells us, that ‘ just so the re­nowned Don Quixote, meeting a few Merchants, cried out, Let the whole World stand still, and if the whole World will not confess, affirm, and swear, that the Em­press Dulcinea (who by the Bye was only a common Trollop) is the most beautiful Damsel in the World, I challenge you all to Battle.’ Now as it may possibly happen, that some of my Readers may be as stupid as I was upon the first Reading of this Passage, and not comprehend the least Resemblance between Don Quixote's meeting a few Merchants Face to Face, and Mr. H—s's observing a mask'd Ruffian to come behind his Friend, &c. I shall endeavour to give them such Lights into this Matter as I have, by Dint of hard Study, or otherwise, been able to procure. I suppose then the "few Merchants" are in­tended to allude to those of that Profession among the Pro­testers, who, it must be acknowledged, did at first show their Faces, and tell their Names; but, as they afterwards put on their Visors, and acted a base, assassinating Part, [Page 31] they then became mask'd Ruffians, resembling the one Mr. H—s observed to come behind his Friend. But what Affinity there is between the DON's challenging the Mer­chants to Battle if they did not confess that Dulcinea was the most beautiful Damsel in the World, and Mr. H—s's threatning the mask'd Ruffian that if he did confess his own Name, or shew his Face, he would grind him to Powder, is what I have not yet been able to discover; and I am apprehensive, that if the "whole World was to stand still" till Doom's-day in the Afternoon, the whole World would not even then comprehend a Whit more of the Matter than myself. — I was also for a long Time puzzled to find the correspondent Part of the Simile belonging to "common Trollop," when luckily for me, a worthy Friend suggested that it must certainly be "sound Drubbing;" for that our Author having some Time ago taken it into his Head to treat a virtuous young Woman at Frankford, as if she had been really a common Trollop, she snatch'd up a Broomstick and gave him such a terrible "sound Drubbing," that he has not since been able to separate the Ideas. How this may be, I can't say, but I think the Solution ingenious, and that it has an Air of Probability.

BUT should our Author not have properly fitted the several Parts of his Simile, great Allowance ought to be made for a Man who has been so long observing in the Dark, that his very Understanding has become darken'd. On this Account I can readily excuse his saying, That ‘as his Quarrel with Mr. H—s's Friend was of a publick Nature, he would treat him accordingly;’ which, to be sure, he has accordingly done by keeping himself private. The same Consideration too prompts me to readily pass over several of his Grammatical Errors without Censure, particularly where he tells us, that ‘if any Person of Character who is known to be capable of writing an Advertisement, will, to save Trouble, mention what Part of the Answer stands in need of further Proof, THEY will find the Satisfaction THEY desire.’ Besides I do [Page 32] not see any Reason why learned Doctors and Professors in a College should be compell'd to the Observance of Gram­mar Rules: It is sufficient that they endeavour to teach them to others. Persons who are really "capable of writing an Advertisement" would merit our Censure, perhaps, were they not to write grammatically; but as our learned Doctors and Professors cannot, with any Propriety, be included among those, they are therefore very excuse­able.

AS I profess myself to be a mere Imitator, I ought, according to the Example of our Author, in the Paragraph before me, give you a long String of Suppositions founded upon false Representations. But as I have not exhausted a Hundredth Part of the Stock of Truths I am possessed of against him and his Employers, I think I may be excused having Recourse to Falsities till the said Stock is nearly expended. The following Suppositions therefore, must be considered as having Truth for their Basis, and consequently so far deviating from those of our Author. Suppose then, that some "dreadful Giant or Knight" should, partly from the Malice and Envy of his Heart, and partly to oblige his Superior the great HABERDASHER of Grace-Church-Street, determine to destroy the Champion who guarded the Golden Fruit, called Rights and Privileges, belonging to the People of Quilsylvania, which the said Haberdasher wanted to get into his Possession. Suppose that the said Giant should for this Purpose take to his Assistance eight or nine of the most wicked and obedient of his Vassals and Atten­dants, and attack the Champion openly in the Highway, hoping that by their united Strength they should totally overpower him. Suppose, however, that the Champion should prove too hard for them all, and not only ‘heartily belabour the Knight's Ribs,’ but also give his Vassals and Attendants a "sound Drubbing." Suppose then, that as they were afraid to venture to attack the Champion again, and yet were determined on his Destruction, that the Haberdasher might be gratified in his Desires, they should [Page 33] hire a Number of Bravos to assassinate him. Suppose that those Bravos should likewise be afraid to engage the Cham­pion face to face, and should therefore take an Opportunity of coming behind his Back, when he was so busily employed as not to have it in his Power to turn upon them again, and then fire upon him from some Bushes where they lay concealed. Suppose that a Friend of the Champion's, upon hearing the Report of their Guns, should come up to his Assistance; but not being able to discover where the Assas­sins were hid, should call upon them to come forth, and that he would engage them in Behalf of his Friend. Suppose that instead of accepting this Challenge, they should continue in their Lurking-Places, and from thence also discharge a Volley at the Person who had acted so bravely and honourably. Must we not then necessarily suppose them to be a Set of mean-spirited, dastardly Wretches, who ought not only to be expelled the Community, but driven from the Face of the Earth?—"And now (as Bayes says in the Rehearsal) pray, Mr. Author, what becomes of YOUR Supposes?"

HAVING now done with our Author, and as I am not the least desirous of staying longer in his Company than is necessary for his Chastisement, I shall dismiss him with this Advice of Sancho's, viz. ‘Let every Man take Care how he speaks or writes of honest People, and not set down at a Venture the first Thing that comes into his Jolterhead.’ —But perhaps he may look upon me as an Enemy, and not regard the Council, nor wholesome Cor­rection, I have bestow'd upon him. Let me therefore recommend to his worthy Patron, if he has any Regard for his own Credit, to take his "blundering Squire" aside, and lecture him as the renowned Don Quixote did his Squire on a similar Occasion. ‘Tell me, said the Knight, thou modern Buffoon, and ancient Blockhead! Was it thy Province to dishonour and affront a Person so worthy of Reverence and Respect. For the Love of God, Sancho, set a Guard upon thy Tongue, and behave so as that the [Page 34] People may not discover by the Thread, the coarse Country Web of which thou art woven: Consider, Sinner as thou art, that the Master is respected in Proportion to the Discretion and Good-Breeding of his Servants; and this is one of the great Advantages which Noblemen have over People of inferior Rank: Dost thou not consider, thou Plague to thyself and Vexation to me! that if they perceive Thee to be a base bred Clown or blundering Fool, they will take me for some cheating Impostor or Knight of the Post: No, no, Sancho, shun and avoid those Inconveniencies; for, he who sets up for a Merry-Andrew, falls at the first Stumble into a disgraced Buffoon: Bridle thy Tongue, therefore, consider and ruminate well before the Words issue from thy Mouth.’

AND now, tremendous Sir! having thus exhorted your Squire, be pleased to accept of a little cordial Admonition for yourself: Part of which shall be another Extract from the History of Don Quixote, a Work I am vastly pleased to see quoted by your Squire, as it gives me an Opportunity (as I profess Imitation) of quoting it likewise. It is indeed a favourite Book with me, and I don't care how often in the Course of our Disputes I may be referred to a Work of such infinite Wit and Humour. It contains besides a vast Fund of serious Instruction, and I heartily advise you to endeavour to deserve the Character which Sancho has given of that renowned Knight; My ‘Master (says he) has Nothing at all mischevious about him; on the contrary is as dull as a Beetle, and knows not what it is to harm Man, Woman, or Child, or to harbour the least Malice, but seeks to do good unto all Mankind: One of the Articles stipulated between us was that I might talk as much as I pleased, provided it was not Scandal against my Neighbour.’ —Perhaps, Sir, you may think there will be no great Obstacle to your acquiring the Beetle Part of the Character, as Nature has already been so very assistant, and therefore conclude, that it is not worth your while to attempt it, as no Merit would result to you should you [Page 35] succeed in a Point of so little Difficulty: But then you should likewise consider, that in attempting to deserve the other Parts of the Character, you will then have Nature to combat with; and, consequently, should Success attend your Endeavours, you will merit and obtain the Reward of a good Conscience! —and the sincere Applause of your Fellow-Citizens! Rewards (however light they may appear in your present Estimation) that would afford you more true heart-feeling Satisfaction, could you but once acquire them, than any you ever yet experienced! — or ever had any Idea of!

IT is, however, but equitable I should mention, that Sancho has grossly misrepresented his Master with regard to his Understanding; and indeed Squires are very apt to talk disrespectfully of their Knights behind their Backs, as is well known to be the Practice of the One you at present employ. The Don was really a Man of fine Sense and strict Honour, and, could you but imitate him in these Respects, you would find that whatever Follies and Extravagancies you might at Times commit, would only excite Laughter, or Pity, instead of that Ridicule and Contempt you now suffer.

BUT, to be "serious," for the "Subject will admit" of it. —Experience has, I hope, by this Time, taught you the Truth of Plautus's Observation,

Therefore endeavour for the future to expel from your Heart the Seeds of Envy and Malice, which produce you such frequent Crops of Bitterness: —Learn, if you can, that Golden Rule, Do unto others as you would they should do unto you: —Delight not in vilifying the good Name of your Neighbour:— Consider that no Enemy is so despica­ble but he may if provoked do you an Injury:— Compel your calumniating Scriblers to desist from further Attempts to blast the Reputation▪ of worthy Men merely because they oppose your Measures, or because they show they have Spirit enough to stand up in Behalf of their own Characters, [Page 36] and those of their absent Friends, when attacked; for, you may depend that you will otherwise raise the Indignation of every honest Man in the Country, as no Man can say (if such Practices are not discouraged) but it may be his Turn next; and you may likewise depend that it cannot answer your Purpose of silencing your Opponents, but that, on the contrary, where your Scriblers succeed in writing one Man down, they will at least write Two up:— Remember Sancho's Proverbs, Like begets Like, and, He that plays at Bowls must expect to meet with Rubbers: Avoid Politicks altogether; for most certainly neither God nor Nature ever intended you for a Politician! No more let loose the Bloodhounds of Pr—ry Power to hunt, run down, worry, and tear to Pieces those who dare to oppose Oppres­sion with Firmness:— Oblige that Pack of whiffling Curs, ^* the Johnnys, Tommys, Billys, Sawneys, &c. with whom you are perpetually surrounded, to confine their Yelpings within their Kennel the C—n C—l:— Make them Ald—en— make them Ma—rs—you cannot make them Politicians— and, for your own Sake, make them no longer the Ecchoes of your Absurdities:—Attempt not to ridicule Men on account of their Trades and Professions, lest you be told of your own Original, and of—something still more dis­agreeable: —Weigh well those excellent Lines which Mr. H—s has given you from Pope,

and do not give Occasion for the learned Commentators of succeeding Times to suppose that the Chief the Author alluded to, must have been a certain Pr—ry C—f J—ce in America.

BUT, if Habit has render'd Calumny necessary to your Existence, feed only on those private Family Peccadillos which it has been the Business of your Life to procure [Page 37] from the Servants and Slaves throughout the City, and to dress up for the Entertainment of yourself and Acquain­tance. If those are not sufficient to satisfy your and their Appetites, cement more closely the Union you have form'd with your new Associate D. J. D-ve: He will not only furnish you with that most agreable of all Foods to your Taste, but after it has found a Passage through your Body, (or leaky Vessel, as your Party calls it) he will greedily devour it, and, as soon as it is well digested, he will void it up for a Repast to the Pr—ry Faction: They will as eagerly swallow it as the other had done before, and, when it has gone through their several Concoctions, they will discharge it in your Presence, that you may once more regale on it, thus refined. — "Just so" (now for another Simile) acted the Man who kept a Number of Hogs: After he had dined plentifully, and Nature was ready to perform her Functions, he tied the Head of each of his Hogs to the Tail of another, except the foremost, an old Boar, which he tied to his own Tail: Matters being thus prepared, he fed the Boar with excrementitious Aliment, which, in due Time, pass'd through him, and so through them all, till at length it became again fitted for their Owner's Stomach.

BEING now about to conclude, I must therefore give you a "Sketch" of the Character of the Hero of this Performance in Verse, extracted from some modern Author, in Imitation of my Masters in the Art of Scurrility, who attempted the same in the Conclusion of their Answer to Mr. F—n's Remarks. But "that he may not call it either "maiming or murdering, I shall give it in the Drawing" of D—d J—s D-ve, to whom he sat for the Purpose, and to whom he gave a handsome Reward for the great Skill he had shewn in giving the Picture so strong a Resemblance to the Original. Nay, so pleased was he with his own dear Likeness, that he gave D-ve another Sum of Money to draw him in Thirteen (the Baker's Dozen) different Attitudes, and to publish a Copper-Plate Print of them [Page 38] all together, for Presents to his Friends in Town and Country. But, a Truce with Similes.