IT is hoped that the common idle Stories about Monsters and Prodigies, which amuse and please the Vulgar, while they disgust sober and reasonable Men, will be no insu­perable Objection against the ensuing Narrative: Tho' the Author is aware, that the Frequency of such Tales, which are soon found to be destitute of all Truth and Reality, will be a considerable Prejudice to it. But let its Reception be what it will, he thinks the Subject of it too singular and remarkable, to have no publick Notice taken of it. And in full Confidence, that the Truth will, at length, surmount all Obstacles, and tri­umph over the most determin'd Infidelity, he can chear­fully risque all the Credit he has in the World, whether more or less, upon the Verity of what follows.

THERE lately appeared, in this Metropolis, a MON­STER of the most hideous Form, and terrible Aspect; such an one as was never before seen in America by any Man's Eyes; and, I believe, no where else; to be sure not in the British Dominions. There was indeed one [Page 4] formerly a little like him in Turkey: another in Italy; and, as some say, there is one in France at this Day. He had more Heads and Horns than any Beast described in the Apocalypse; and pushed more furiously than the He-Goat in Daniel. His Teeth resembled those of an overgrown Lion: His Trunk was like that of an Elephant; the Protuberance on his Back, like that of a Camel; his Eye (for he had only one with all his Heads) was like that of Polyphemus; his Ears were of a much greater Longitude than those of good St. Francis's traying Au­ditory: The Wings which came out of his Sides, were like those of an Eagle: his Hair (or rather Feathers) was like Nebuchadnezzar's, after he was driven from among Men; his Claws, like those of a Bear, only much bigger; and for a Tail, Gulliver's Monkey was a Fool to him.

FROM what Parts he was brought, I do not certainly know; and would not deceive the Reader by pretending to an Acquaintance with such Circumstances as I am ignorant of. Some assert that he came from the South; others, from the West; and some, from the East: But I rather think (if he were not brought forth amongst us) that he came out of the North; considering the Evils and the Destruction which his Appearance portended.

HE was first seen here in a large Assembly of Matrons; who, one would have thought, from their natural Timi­dity, must have been universally shocked at so tremend­ous a Sight. But ( wonderful to relate!) they were, almost to a Woman, greatly pleased with the Creature: And though many of them were not past the Age of Preg­nancy; yet I have not heard of a single one that miscar­ried; nor indeed of more than about half a Score that were even thrown into Hysterick Fits. The far greater Part were so strangely captivated with this Monster, that they fondled and play'd with him: and would even have [Page 5] taken him into their Laps and Bosoms, had he not been of too unweildy a Size. "What a pretty Lap-Dog, said one and another, would this Creature make, if he was not of such an enormous Bulk!" And a third even call'd him Sh [...]k, as she lean'd against his Proboscis.

THOSE few Ladies of better Taste, who spake of him as an ugly, deformed, over grown Beast of Prey; and would have had him immediately turn'd out of the House, were cried out upon as having no Taste at all; and even threatned, that they should never come there again, to drink Tea and Coffee in such polite Company. It is thought that two Attornies Wives, besides several other Ladies of less Distinction, would have admitted him, had he been of an amorous Turn, like Fa [...]s and the Satyrs, to some Familiarities not so fit to be mention'd. Europa was never more enamour'd of a Bull; nor Leda, of a Swan: and both of them had certainly a far juster Taste than these modern Ladies. He was even voted, in Form, by them, who ought to be the best Judges of Beau­ty, to be the prettiest, handsomest Creature, they had ever laid their Eyes upon, in all their Lives.

THIS Assembly of Matrons, not content with admir­ing the Monster themselves, took great Pains, both by Caresses, and Threats, to gain others over to their odd Opinion. They decorated him with Ribbands and Gar­lands, like an ancient Victim, or rather like an Egyptian God, by the Assistance of a Priestess to be mention'd hereafter: and having first done Homage to him them­selves on bended Knees; sent him in that Dress, to ano­ther Company of Ladies, who used to meet to dance, and to regale themselves, at no great Distance from their own Assembly-Room.

THOSE of the Club, who were ordered to escort him thither, came and said; "Behold here, Ladies, one of [Page 6] the most lovely, charming, adorable Creatures, that ever your Eyes were laid upon! Pray, good Ladies, join with us in our Admiration, and share our Pleasure. O! the Beauty of the dear Creature! See how he looks! View him all over critically and exactly! Who ever saw the like!—For the Entertainment and Delight of the Publick, (and in order to put Money into our own Cof­fers, to game with &c. when our Husbands are out of Humour) we have resolv'd to hire a great Number of Persons to carry him thro' the Country for a Sight. So good a Show will certainly give infinite Pleasure to People of every Rank; at the same Time that it will bring in Cash enough to find us all, in Tea, and Coffee, in Equipages and fine Clothes, in Citron Water and gaming Money, as long as we live. Come, dear Ladies, cast in your Lot among us, and let us go Snacks! We shall all find our Profit in it; and others, their Pleasure and Amusement."

MANY of this latter Assembly were as marvellously pleased with the Monster, as those of the former; and soon expressed their Readiness to concur the Motion, for carrying him about for a Show. But a middle-aged Gentlewoman of a more refined Taste, and who was both in Stature and Judgment, Superiour to most, even of the other Sex, stood up; and spake to this Purpose. "What Demon has gotten Possession of you, my dear Ladies! and deprives you of your Senses to such a De­gree, as to make you take this filthy Monster for a Beauty! I am afraid to come near him, least he should hook up my Petticoats, and rip up my Stays, if nothing worse! And how he whisks his nasty Tail in your Faces, at many Yards distance! Mercy on us! This a Beauty! Look on those Ears! See that plaguy hump Back! View that bloody, ferocious Eye; if you can look steadily upon it! See those diabolical Horns! Look on that triple Row of Ivory, in each of his enormous Jaws! And how he "Grins horribly, a ghastly Smile!" Observe [Page 7] his Feet, how they are Cloven; branching out into five or six Claws, of huge Length and Thickness! A pretty Creature, upon my Conscience, for Women to be taken with! How much better you like Horns, than your Spouses do? This a Creature, to be carried about the Country for an agreable Spectacle! And because you are run mad, forsooth! we must run mad to keep you Company; or else fall under your Displeasure! No truly! I like not your fancy; nor this strange Proposal! If you should send this more than Cerberian-mouth'd Monster through all the Towns in the Province, take my Word for it, you would rather fright the Inhabitants out of them, than draw Spectators about him. And tho' you expect to get so much Money by this Show, I am much mistaken if you would get enough to defray the Charges of carting it about. People will rather conclude you send a Monster to devour and destroy, than a Spectacle to entertain and delight, them! Fye upon it, Ladies! What evil Spirit put this Notion into your Heads; and deludes you at such a Rate! To be plain with you, you had far better hire a Score or two of the sturdiest Butchers in the Town, to kill this horrible Creature out-right, before he does any Mischief; and to throw him, Piece-meal, into the Dock, than run the Risque of keeping him alive a single Day. What would become of us all, if he should break his Chain, get out of his Cage, and range about at large, seeking whom to devour! Doors and Locks, and Bolts, and Bars, would be no Security against him. He (having a Faculty of contracting and enlarging himself at Pleasure) would easily climb into our Bed Chambers; and tho' we should hide ourseves down in our Wine Cellars among the Casks; he would find us out even there; drag us into Day Light, and gorge himself with our mangled Carcases! A pretty Creature to be kept for a Show, truly! Thus spake Mrs. GRACCHA; for that was the Name of this accomplish'd Lady.

[Page 8]THIS Speech was soon seconded and thirded by other Ladies of great Merit Madam CORNELIA in particular, (an open, plain-hearted Lady; and in high Esteem, tho' low of Stature) amongst other Things very pertinent to the Occasion said; "Well! I am equally surprized, Ladies, at your Taste and at your Judgement. I wonder you can imagine that such a Spectacle as you propose, can be relished by the People of this Country; or that any good can come of this Project. Are you really in earnest, Ladies! Why! Do you not remember, when a Leopard only was carried about for a Show, a few Years since, what Confusion and Terror People were thrown into! Not only those of our own Sex; but the Men also; even some of the Military Order! Was not the Consternation still greater, and more universal, when the Lion was carted about, some Time before? What terrible Apprehensions had People of his breaking from his Durance, and eating them half up! And more lately, when there was only a Wild-Cat of uncommon Size and fierceness, and longer Fangs than usual, carried from Place to Place; you have not, surely, forgot how precipitately even such brave, valiant Men as C—pt—ins and C—ll—n—ls fled before it; leaving the Towns where they respectively lived, upon the first News of its approach! The Courage of such Gentle­men, was never doubted by any one; And it is certain they would have singly encountered the whole Rebel Army in Scotland, with the Pretender at its Head! But the People of this Country, I say, cannot endure wild Beasts, and Lawless Devourers! How then, Ladies, in the Name of Amazement, can it enter into your Thoughts, that they will be delighted with a Monster! especially such an huge, dreadful one as this; which might devour half a Country Village for a Breakfast; and be hungry still! Will they give their Money freely, do you think, for such a Show! When you reflect, Ladies, upon the Abborrence and Dread which they have of all wild Creatures; of all Beasts of Prey; when you consister how contrary such [Page 9] Shews are to their natural Taste, Genius and Manners; when you consider farther, what Mischiefs may be actu­ally done by this dreadful Creature; I shall think you ought to drink no Tea, except such as is made of Helle­bore, if you persist in the project of carrying about this Creature; a Monster, as much more formidable than a Lion, as a Lion, than a common Puppy-Dog!"

THESE two Speeches, together with some others, were very attentively heard by the Club: And, in short, made so good an Impression, that the major Part adopted the Sentiments of them; and rejected the Motion of the other Club, after due Deliberation. Whereupon those who presented the Monster to them for their Approba­tion, returned with him to their own Sisterhood, in great Wrath and Indignation for this imaginary Affront; and endeavoured, Thalestris-like, to inflame the Passions of the Assembly; which they found no very hard Task to per­form. The greater Part being now well heated with Anger; some with laced Tea, others with Gin, and some with Citron Water; they came to a Resolution to send the Monster immediately back again, with another Mes­sage; giving out their Menaces, concerning what they would do to any Lady of the other Sisterhood, who should be so hardy as to reject their Proposal a second Time. "My Word for it, says one, that Lady that shall dare to open her Lips in disparagement of this rare, curious, lovely Animal, shall have her Pinners torn off her Head; and her Sack stripped over her Ears!" "And my Word for it, says another, although they pretend to be at least our Equals, if not our Superiours; and to have as good a Right as we, to enjoy their own Opinion about the Beauty and Deformity of any Creature living; yet we will make them know the Difference, I warrant you! We are the most numerous Club; and will soon cause them to sub­mit to our Determination; or pull all their Caps and Ruf­fles off! Do they call this, a Monster? a dangerous Mons­ter, [Page 10] nor fit to be kept alive! I say again, we will have him carried about for a Show, let them say what they will: And they shall join with us too in this Project, or we'll know why; and that's more!"

THE Monster's greatest Admirers in this Assembly, were (1) Madam RIXA; formerly a lean, poor Gen­tlewoman, thought to be in a Consumption; and who used to go very meanly clad: But of late Years, plump­ed up to a considerable Magnitude; and become a per­fect Belle, with her rich Lace and Ruffles; and almost every Female Ornament, excepting that of a meek and quiet Heart. Some idle People insinuate, that she got her Money by Gaming; and that she never used to play fairly: but I do not concern myself about such Matters.

(2) MADAM PROTEA; a Gentlewoman that was lately seen in Publick with a remarkable Head Dress. This Lady has many good Qualities: but is very variable and inconstant in every Thing; so that it was expected her Passion for the Monster, would have been but short-lived. However, to the Surprize of every one, She, who never used to be of the same Mind two Days together, has, in this Respect, shown all the Steadiness and Perse­verance of a Saint; continues to extol the Beauty of the Monster, and seems determin'd to live and dye in the Faith of his Charms.

(3) ANOTHER of his great Admirers was Madam RUTI [...]A, the Wife of a very fine, handsome Gentleman: to find whom making Panegyricks, with so much Zeal upon such an ugly Creature, was a Surprize to all: especially when this Zeal carried her to speak even of her own aged Mother, with less Decorum and Respect than became her. For the good old Lady happening to be her Tenant, she threatned that she would turn her out, if she did not approve her Passion. The Gentlewoman of [Page 11] whom I am now speaking, is singularly plain and modest in her Dress; commonly appearing abroad in a dark Rus­sel Gown. She is a Lady of real and great Worth; but ought certainly to have been a better Judge of Propriety and Decency, as well as of Beauty and Deformity, than to have spake and acted in the Manner she did.

(4) Mrs. AQUATICA (a jolly-looking, pursy Gentle­woman; and a little asthmatical) was also a great Ad­mirer of the Monster; nursing it with much Tenderness, and a peculiar Fondness. Nor is this strange, if, as some have hinted, she was the real Mother of it; though by Means of an unlawful Commerce. But whether this be Fact, or not; and if it is, whether the Monster issued from her Head, as Pallas did from the Thunderer's, ac­cording to the Pagan Mythology, or whether it dropped from her Belly, as the unformed Cub falls from the prowl­ing, ravenous Bear's; I confess myself unable to deter­mine. Nor is it very material, supposing it to be her Offspring, whether the Foetus was originally conceived in her Brain, or Belly; since a less monstrous Production could not have been rationally expected from either; nor a more perfect from the one than from the other. This Matron was the Wife of a certain great Farmer living out of the Town; who had many Tenants under him; and it is said, he was wont to treat them with such Severity, Haughtiness and Insolence, especially in gathering in his Rents, that he has often been in Jeopardy of a broken Pate. But it is not the Husband, but the Wife, gentle Reader, that we have now to do with. She, as was hinted before, was at least the Nurse, if not the Mother of the Monster. And though she has so liberally given Food and Nutriment to it, yet she expects, in her Turn, to receive Nourishment from it. For although I some­times speak of this Creature, as being of the Male Gen­der, I would now acquaint the Reader, that it is really an Hermaphrodite; and has a Multitude of large Teats; [Page 12] at which many hope to hang in Rows, like so many suck­ing Pigs, or rather like Imps at the Teats of Witches. Nor need I observe here, what every one knows already, That though Monsters are said not to breed; yet they frequently give Milk in prodigious Quantities. But then it takes the Produce of a whole Country to feed one. And indeed, if this should live, I fear we shall find the old Proverb concerning the Sterility of Monsters, erro­neous.

(5) ANOTHER of these Monster-loving-Matrons, was Madam CAPILLA; a very sleek, soft-spoken, double-tongu'd, rosey Gentlewoman; though, I think, somewhat older than either of the other. She was formerly the Wife of a Priest of Ap [...]s in Egypt, and herself a Priestess. For which Reason, as some say, she was employed to usher this Monster into the World, with all the Pomp and Ceremonial, practis'd by the Pagan Hierarchy: Tho' she had not, for many Years past, concerned herself much about Religion in any Shape; but given herself up to Matters meerly worldly and secular, at the best. However, since the Sacerdotal Character is indelible, (although the Office is prostituted ever so much, or even wholly renounced) a more proper Person, certainly, could not have been pitched upon to perform the said Rites, considering for what Creature they were to be performed!

(6) A younger Lady than either of the former, was a considerable Admirer of, and a warm Advocate for, the Monster. She is remarkable for a Chin, somewhat immoderate in Length; and wears both Night and Day a very large Beauty Spot upon her right Cheek: In which there is this farther observable, that it is very difficult to take it off, without taking the Skin away with it! This Lady was very lately in high Esteem in the Town: And although her Conduct with Relation to the Monster, has been exceptionable; yet it is not doubted but that Time, [Page 13] and a circumspect Behaviour, will restore a Lady of so many laudable Qualities, to her former Reputation.

(7.) Mrs. BIDDY brings up the Rear of all these Ladies; and Claims a very particular Notice. She is the Wife of a certain valiant C—ll—n—l; and, in Imitation of him, wears a great Tuft of Feathers on the top of her Head; so weighty, that it is thought to have overstrain'd, and weaken'd, that tender Part; and made her a little giddy. She pretends to a great deal of Religion; tho' but few think she has more Virtue than her Neighbours. She has the Misfortune to have a very sly, cunning, Jewish Look; and not being of the fairest Complexion, nor able to look a good Christian in the Face; some have suspected her to be of that Religion; and hinted, that the only Reason why she is not conformed to 'its whole Ritual, is her Sex. Yea, many are very confident, that she is an Isr...I...te.. ind...d..... bating this single Branch of the Character, that in such Persons there is no Guile. I must confess that I could not help entertaining some Suspicions of this Sort, myself, upon a certain Occasion; tho' I would not be uncharitable. For happening to dine with her some Time ago, at a Country-Inn, where we had nothing served up, but one Dish of roasted Pork and Partridge together; I observed, Mrs Biddy seemed to love Partridge very well; but would not touch a Morsell of the Pork: tho' she greedily took a large Sop made of the Dripping. And what seemed to enter into her there­with, I chuse not to say!

THERE are others who have suspected Mrs. Biddy of being a follower of Mahomet, instead of Moses: But, in my Opinion, with far less Reason. For whereas the Mahometan Religion forbids its Votaries to use the Fruit of the Vine, she is a great Admirer of it: And is known to have spent the the whole Afternoon of the Christian Sabbath, over her Bottle. But whether this is a conclusive [Page 14] Argument, or not, that she is no Disciple of the Arabian Impostor, I think it is at least a fair one, that she is no Christian. If she is really a Jewess, as I am rather in­clined to think, it is to be hoped, that, since her Sex will not allow of the most distingushing Mark and Charac­teristick of that Perswasion, she will not always want another, which is very compatible thereto; I mean that she will not be long unc...re...m [...]...sed in Ears: Alas! this decent Ceremony is too much neglected amongst the clipping Children of Abraham, both Male and Female, in their present dispersed State! Nor is this a necessary Omission; since we know that this Rite was no peculiar Part of their ancient Temple-Service: And indeed Experi­ence has shown the great Need and Advantage of it; and the good that is done by it, to this People, even in Coun­tries where not so much as Synagogues are allow'd of. But this is a Digression: and having thus paid my Devoirs to these Female Worthies, I now return to the Monster, and my Narrative.

THE Monster was sent back almost Instantaneously, as it had been determin'd. Many Ladies of fine Taste and great Merit, belonging to that Club which rejected the Motion of the other, (and which I call the Club superi­our for distinction sake) had been absent from it for several Days. The good Lady also, who had lately said so much in derogation from the Glory of the Monster, had by this Time left the Company, to look after her House­hold Affairs. Some others, of her Opinion, had also done the same; and some had absented themselves through Cowardice. Some of this Sisterhood who were present, were intimidated by the Threats of the other: And some, it is said, were turned from their former Opinion, chiefly by the Efficacy of laced Tea, and Citron Water; with which they were plentifully regaled, at the Cost of those who labour'd their Conversion. So that, in short, when this grave Sisterhood came to Vote a second Time, it was [Page 15] carried in favour of the Monster by a small Majority; to the great Joy and Triumph of all that w-rsh-ped the Beast.

IN that which I call the Club superiour, (tho' the least in Number) several Ladies signalized themselves in Fa­vour of the Monster, some by their Craft and Subtlety, others by their Weakness and Simplicity.

Madam MARINA (a tall Lady) who had often cross'd the Ocean, and who was even when past her grand Cli­macteri, in an honest Way, a true Votary to the Goddess which sprang from the Briny Element; Madam MARINA I say, declared she would not have been for keeping this Monster alive, and exhibiting him as a publick Spectacle, had she thought her Vote would have contributed to it, or been of any Efficacy towards getting a Majority of Voices on that Side. For she knew there were enough without it.—

Madam CHEMIA, (a very philosophical Lady) who some Years since (as is well known) discover'd that pre­cious Stone, of which the Royal Society has been in quest a long Time, to no Purpose; Madam CHEMIA, I say, argued in Favour of the Monster, only because she tho't that the Publick would be hugely delighted and edified with so curious a Show.

SHE said there was not a real Virtuoso, a true Adept, in all North America, but what would come to see it; "and the Populace, you know, said she, are always fond of Novelties and strange Sights." This was her Motive. So that it is very malicious in any to insinuate, as some have done, that Madam CHEMIA was on that Side of the Question, for fear of being turn'd out of the Club. And indeed every one knows, that this good Lady never baulk'd or wrong'd her Judgment, to curry Favour either with Great or Small, Male or Female.

[Page 16]ONE Miss POLLY, was also a Favourer of the Monster; so far, I mean, as to give her Voice on that Side: Tho' I am credibly inform'd, that she now fully vindicates her Taste and Conduct, by solemnly averring, that she held up her Hand quite contrary to her own Judgment and Con­science. And for how many others in both Clubs, the same convincing and satisfactory Plea might serve, I pre­tend not to know! This Miss POLLY is a young, dap­per, spruce, coquettish Lady, and trips along the Streets like any Thing! But as young and airy as she is herself, she has of late Years affected to keep very sedate Company: and she was actually at considerable Expence to get ad­mitted a Member of this grave Club; wherein every one is now surpriz'd to see such a blooming Lass, and in which there are sundry Matrons that are very old.

BUT not to digress too far from my Monster..... All the People in Town, exclusive of these two Female Assem­blies, and the Blacks, stood aghast; and hourly expected when the terrible Creature would break loose, and devour them. Great and Small, High and Low, Rich and Poor, turn'd pale and trembled. The Trojan Horse, when armed Creeks burst by Thousands from his Belly, did not cause half so much Terror and Consternation through the poor, devoted City!

THE Ladies who idoliz'd the Beast, and had already receiv'd his Mark in their tender, impressive Foreheads, now thought their Point gained; and discover'd their Joy in a Way somewhat too boisterous, perhaps, to be very be­coming that soft and delicate Sex. However, there was one Obstacle yet in their Way. The large House, where they used to hold their Club, belonged to a Gentleman, without whose Approbation they did not incline to do any Thing of Consequence. Nor were they out of the Way, in paying so great a Deference to his Opinion. For tho' he was only a private Gentleman (sustaining no Office in [Page 17] the Government, whether Civil or Military) he was a most accomplish'd Person; a Gentleman of a good Descent, and of a fine, as well as learned Education. He had travelled through many Countries in Europe; and im­proved himself in them all. His Genius was strong; his Knowledge of Men and Things extensive; his Taste ex­act, his Address winning; his Conversation equally im­proving and entertaining. With these Qualities, it is not strange that he was acceptable to the Ladies, as well as to the Gentlemen; especially considering he excell'd in dancing; tho' this I reckon amongst the least considerable of his Accomplishments. This Gentleman, though he was always backward to contradict the Ladies in any Thing, had dropped a Word or two, intimating his Dis­approbation of what had been proposed; and what was indeed now resolved upon. This came to the Ears of the Ladies, who could hardly believe it. It was therefore unanimously determin'd, to refer the Matter, in a formal Manner, to Him: And they obliged themselves beforehand, tho' they were very much set upon the Thing, to submit entirely to his Judgment; and follow his Advice.

THEY accordingly laid the Case before him, in Pre­sence of the Monster; with many Encomiums on his Beauty, &c. The Gentleman (tho' he was naturally en­dow'd with great Magnanimity) did not chuse to venture into the Hall, where the Beast was, without taking a large Spear in his Hand. And standing in the midst, he accost­ed the Ladies thus verbatim.

"Ladies, said he, I am extremely obliged to you for the Compliment you are pleased to pay to my Taste and Judg­ment; tho' I am not less astonished at your own. I must confess that I have had some Knowledge both of Men, and of Beasts. As you are pleased to demand my Opi­nion, I think I am obliged to tell you, that I wonder at the Oddity of your Fancy, and cannot approve your Project. This a lovely Creature! How can you bestow your sweet Caresses and Endearments on him! how worship such a Monster? the Compendium of all Deformity! This Crea­ture [Page 18] will devour you, your Husbands, your Children, and one half the Province; and the other half, he will keep in perpetual Fear and Slavery! Ah! sweet Ladies all! you little think what you are doing! Are the good Peo­ple of this Country to be kept in bodily Terror by a Brute? by the most deform'd of all Brutes! such an one as nei­ther they, nor their Grandmothers, ever star'd at! such an one as the Monster-breeding- Nile never produced! They had rather combat Tygers at Ephesus; or the Afri­can Monster, that made such Havock with Regulus's Army! They cannot endure the Thoughts of a total Excision, by the voracious Jaws of this Dragon, this Ger­gon! this....... what shall I call him? I can scarce for­bear plunging this Spear into his Heart, this very Instant, without farther Ceremony; But Ceremony is what the Ladies always expect; and Men of Honour always use towards them. Nor will I tell you, that you have forgot the natural Softness and Delicacy of your Sex and Consti­tution, and are turn'd Amanons and Termagants, or else you could not be pleased with such a Spectacle. No! But I assure you Ladies, that you will neither oblige the People, nor get much Money, by exhibiting such a Show! My Advice is, that you get the ingenious Mr. Hurd to engrave the Monster on a Copper Plate; and disperse the Prints of him about the Country. If the Image and Su­perscription pleases, it will be Time enough then, to send about the Original. Should you immediately send about the Monster, in propria persona, (excuse a Latin Word or two Ladies, though you should not understand it) you would raise a Suspicion in People, that you had some bad Design not only upon their Pockets; but upon their Liber­ties and Lives. You would certainly set them all to Swear­ing, except Ministers, and a few other very grave, solid Folks: And Ladies always abhor Oaths! Besides, if the People once get to SWEARING, it is odds but they will also get to Lying, and perjuring themselves! You are pleased in short to refer it to me, Ladies, whether you and they shall be Happy or Miserable. I therefore resolve, as [Page 19] far as in me lyes, that both shall be happy; and think myself so, in having a Thing of this Nature submitted to my De­termination. You will excuse my Freedom, Ladies; and do me the Justice to believe, that I would gladly oblige you in every Way, except that of contributing to your Misery. This I can never consent to, even tho' I should be so un­happy as to incur your Displeasure!"

THUS spake the Friend of the Ladies, the Friend of all. It is impossible to describe their Looks during the Time of his Speaking; and after he had done; — the Joy that appeared in the Countenances of some, the Shame, Disappointment, and Anger, that were visible in the Faces of others. But the Rejoicing was universal through the Town, amongst People of all Ranks, when they found themselves deliver'd from their former Fears. It was surprizing to see, and is impossible to express, the sudden Change that was produced in every Face: "Free­dom from all terrible Sights; a quiet Enjoyment of what we have, and NO MONSTERS!" was the universal Cry; and still continues the most common Health that goes round.

HAVING thus finished my true and faithful Narrative of the most formidable Monster, that was ever seen in this Land; I now beg leave to Congratulate my dear Coun­trymen, that we are not without an HERCULES! This Monster is not indeed yet actually killed; but only bound in strong Chains. Whether he shall be quite demolished, and sent to his own proper Place, or whether he shall be permitted to live, to cram his merciless and insatiable Maw with our very Blood, and Bones, and Vitals; depends upon my good Country Men themselves. He now only lives till they shall please to pass Sentence of Death upon him. And after what has been said, it would be an Af­front to their Understandings and Senses, should I go about, in a formal Manner to convince them, that it is not fitting and safe that he should live, and be carried about from Place to Place, as the Women have proposed. You will all quickly see the ugly Portrait, the dreadful Picture, of this Animal. And when it is presented to you, take [Page 20] particular Notice of his Horns, his Teeth, and his terrible Claws: tho' even his Tail (as inconsiderable a Member as that is generally accounted in Animals) might prove a Besom of Destruction. A single Brush or Flap of it would sweep us away Dozens and Scores!

YOU will at once conclude, that this Dog of H—ll, ought not only to have his enormous Length of Ears and Tail diminished; his Teeth pulled out, and his Claws paired, but that his very Head (or Heads rather; for they are many!) ought to be excis'd; I mean cut off. Or if that cannot be done, you will think he should be bound, at least for one thousand prophetick Years; and cast into the bottomless Abyss; not to be seen again above Ground, till that term is expir'd, or till Gog and Magog shall make their Appearance, springing spontaneously from the Slime and Filth of the Earth; according to a certain Learned Expositor! This Creature may indeed make a tolerable Show, in the nether Regions, amongst his Black cloven footed Brethren: (tho' I believe he would at first startle even them) But certainly he ought not to be seen by any, that are yet out of the Place of Dragons!

BUT when the true Effigies of this dreadful Crea­ture comes out; you will then be able, my loving Countrymen, to form an exact Idea of him. And after seeing this Print, he that can desire to see the Original; or would willingly suffer the Creature to be kept alive for a Show, would deserve no better a Fate in my Opinion, than to become Food and Sustenance for him; just as Cats and Dogs and Monkeys and other inferiour Animals, are thrown to Lions to prey upon: Tho' it would of the two, be more honourable to Share the Fate of these con­temptible Animals, in falling a Sacrifice to the noble, renowned, hereditary Monarch of the Forest; than to be devoured by such an unheard of, upstart, unlicked, miscreated Monster! It is to be hoped that what has been said will have no Tendency to excite any undue Resentment against the Ladies I have had Occasion to speak of in this Nar­rative. Many if not all of those Women, who were for [Page 21] keeping this Creature for a Show, had doubtless a kind and generous Intention to gratify Peoples Curiosity; not being aware of the Danger attending their Project, and of the fatal Evils that might follow from it. They were cer­tainly out in their own Taste; and under a great Mistake about ours. But Errors of this Nature should be over­looked and forgiven: Especially if they are not obstinately persisted in, but seasonably recanted. I would therefore, my dear Countrymen, conclude by earnestly recommend­ing these Ladies to your best Affections (at least those of them that are either Widows or Maidens) and this I do the rather, because it is impossible for those who Love such pretty, well-proprtion'd, charming Creatures as WOMEN, not to hate MONSTERS.

THE Author of the preceeding Narrative, having hitherto been speaking in Jest, thinks its now Time to speak in Earnest. Having a leisure Hour or two, I tho't to amuse my self by writing something in the fabulous, romantick, mar­vellous Way; in Imitation of many Persons both ancient and modern. And from the Reception which many Things of this sort meet with from the greater Part of Readers, I did not know but I might innocently divert some others, as well as my self.

WHEN the Romance was finished, I show'd it to a Prin­ter, who is my very good Friend; (a better Friend to me per­haps, than I shall prove to him in the End) and a Person whose Judgment I highly value. He frankly told me that he approved of it, and tho't it would take; adding that he be­liev'd he could get a Penny by it these hard Times; at least enough to pay him for his Labour, Paper, and the Wear of his Press and Types; which he look'd upon as no inconsiderable Matter for a Printer at this Day! I accordingly gave him a Copy.

[Page 22]BUT when the Piece was almost out of the Press, I reflect­ed what a sad Propensity there is in many Readers, to make invidious Applications; to wrest an Author's Sense; and to construe the most harmless Romances into Satyre, Scandal and Invective, even against the greatest and worthiest Personages: I considered, that while some might make such Applications thro' Malice, others might do it thro' Ignorance; and there­fore tho't I could not, with a safe Conscience, let the innocent Piece see the Light, without saying something by Way of Caution.

WHAT happen'd at the Printing-House about an Hour ago, determin'd me to take this Course. The Printer assur'd me, he had found out my whole Meaning, as plainly as if I had told him my self. ‘Yes, said he, the Church of Rome is a very sad Church indeed! and well deserves to be expos'd for her Idolatries, and for persecuting the poor Protes­tants. Why! she is called the Beast and the Dragon in the Bible! The Pope, or the INQUISITION, is the Mon­ster. I dont love to judge Folks, but I am afraid the Pope is a very bad Man. I hope you'll write against him again; and defend Liberty of Conscience. O! that INQUISI­TION is a sad, sad Thing! What! may we not enjoy our own private Opinion in religious Matters! Would they make Slaves and Beasts of us all!’

ONE of his Journey-men, who assisted in correcting the Press, soon put in his Oar: but rowed another Way. ‘Well! for my Part, said he, I don't believe it is aim'd against the Pope; but against the French, and the Eastward Indians; them Dogs that are not willing we should enjoy our Rights and Liberties; but would eat us all up alive. Well, the G-v-r—r is gone down; and I don't question he'll give 'em a Bone to pick, that will make their Teeth crack again! I knew, before I had compos'd five Pages, that you intended the French King, by the Monster which had so many Heads and Horns, and such plaguy long Claws!’

ANOTHER of the Workmen gave it as his solid Opini­on, that it was design'd as a Satyre upon the Women. ‘For Women, said he, are set in a ridiculous Light, from the Be­ginning [Page 23] of it to the End.’ From which Imputation I clear'd my self with some Degree of Warmth; thinking it equally a Reflection on my Breeding, Taste and Judgment. Nor could such a Thought have enter'd into his Noddle had he known how happy I am, in the best of Wives; and in two fine Daughters, tho' I say it, new marriageable; waiting (O ye dilatory, frozen Batchelors!) for sutable Proposals to be made to them.

AS my Back was turn'd, I overheard an unlucky Jackanaps of a Boy, that stood by, talking to his Fellow-Prentice: ‘Witches for a Guess! said he: and Master always was! I don't believe e'er a one of 'em is in the right: I'll wage it relates to****&c.’ And so the Rascal went on to make the most groundless, saucy Application of several Parts of it, that could be. I stamp'd, and gave the Urchin a severe Re­buke for his Pertness, and Impudence; charging him never to lisp such a Word again (especially when he hawked it about) as he valued his two Ears! and so came away.

AS I was going home, tho't I, if People go on guessing and guessing, applying and applying, at this Rate; and making Senses, where there was none before; what may they not come to at last! The wild, extravagant Fancies of some, may carry them to fix such an arbitrary Meaning to this idle Tale, as I almost shudder to think of! and as would leave a Sting in the End of it!

NOW to prevent every Thing of this Sort, I think my self bound in Duty to declare, that my Narrative (like most Tra­vellers Stories) has not one Word of Truth in it. There has not, to my Knowledge, been any Monster in the Town; nor any Thing like a Monster. There has nothing happened lately which could naturally give Occasion to such a Fiction; nor any Thing to which it can be justly apply'd, in the Way of Alle­gorical Interpretation. And the Persons who shall attempt this, must be very simple, or ill-natur'd; for it is merely a Work of Fancy and Imagination; of which there is neither Type nor Antitype. And having declar'd this, I think I may innocently let it see the Light, as a very harmless, toothless Production; wishing that all other Romancers and Story Tel­lers [Page 24] had been as fair and ingenuous, to undeceive their Rea­ders, as soon as they had finish'd their Lies!

BUT if I must open my whole Heart, as to my Views in writing this, (which I have not yet done) I shall certainly ap­pear a little vain. For Ambition had some Share in this Production, as mean as it is. To tell the Truth, I have long design'd to write the KNAVE's PROGRESS, in Imitation of the PILGRIM's, by the excellent Mr. John Bunyan; And I tho't, that by exercising my self a little in this fanciful, mys­tical Way of writing, I might execute that great Work the better when I set my self about it. And you must excuse my Vanity, gentle Reader, if I tell you, that I am not without some Hopes of performing the Task in such a Manner, as may ren­der me not wholly undeserving the Title of his Successor ^‡. Homer wrote of Frogs, (an ugly Sort of Creature) before he wrote of Kings and the Trojan War. Even Gnats employ'd the Pen of Maro, before it immortaliz'd Mezentius and other Heroes. Milton wrote of the Wizzard-like, monstrous Comus, before he wrote of fallen Men, and apostate Angels. Nor do I doubt but that the great Bunyan himself, wrote the Progress of some other Animals, perhaps of Monsters, before he wrote that of the Pilgrim. Tho' I acknowledge, that there are no Creatures in the World, so dissimilar as Pilgrims and Monsters; since the former hurt and devour Nothing; the latter, EVERY THING!