Mr. Lord's NARRATIVE, With suitable Reflections, Concerning the very surprising Case of Mrs. M. WHEELER, &c.
GOD glorified in his Works, of Providence and Grace.
A Remarkable INSTANCE of it, IN The various and signal Deliverances, that evidently appear to be wrought for Mrs. MERCY WHEELER, in Plainfield; lately restored from extreme Impotence and long Confinement.
Published at the Desire of Many.
By Benjamin Lord, A. M.
Mark ix. 23.— All Things are possible to him that believeth.
Isaiah xxviii. 16. He that believeth, shall not make haste.
Jonah ii. 9. Salvation is of the LORD.
Psalm lxix. 32, 33. The Humble shall see this, and be glad: and Your Heart shall live, that seek GOD. For the LORD heareth the Poor, and despiseth not his Prisoners.
Psalm cxi. 4. He hath made his wonderful Works to be remembred. —
BOSTON, Printed by ROGERS and FOWLE for J. BLANCHARD at the Bible and Crown near the Market. 1743.
GOD glorified in his Works of
Providence and
Grace: As it appears, in the hopeful Conversion, and wonderful Restoration of Mrs. MERCY WHEELER, in
Plainfield.
The INTRODUCTION.
THERE is nothing more evident and universal, than the Proof of a DEITY, in all those Works and Wonders, which constantly appear with such Marks of uncreated Wisdom, Power and Goodness, as loudly speak their Author, GOD. For the invisible Things of him, from the Creation of the World, are clearly seen, being understood by the Things that are made, even his eternal Power and Godhead: So that they who had only this Evidence of his Being and Perfections from existing Nature, and that knew God only by the Light of Nature, and yet glorified him not, as God; were without Excuse.
And not only are the Works of Creation, in the vast Variety of their Natures, in their untold Numbers, in their shining Beauties, in their surprizing Order, [Page vi]Harmony, Direction, and Use; such evident Proofs of a God: But the Works of Providence, are alike plain and uncontestable Evidences of a supreme Being, that is infinitely wise, powerful and kind. In these, he hath not left himself without Witness, in that he did good. HE the true God did Good like a God, and, so as no other could do. And, this, he doth continually, in a Multitude of Ways, defending and upholding of us, in Life and Motion, &c. For, in him we live and move, as well as have our Being. Every Breath we draw, is by new Leave and Power from him, and if he should withhold the same, one Moment, in that Moment we should die.
Among the innumerable Instances of a divine and perpetually beneficent Providence, some are eminently marvellous, in the Perservation, Defence and Deliverance of his poor Creatures; and demand our most special Notice, as there are in them the more signal Displays of the Wisdom, Power, Care, and Faithfulness of a God; and by them, is given a more plain and ample Testimony for God. So that they who remain evil and unthankful after all these, are left without Excuse, indeed.
And when to all these, is added the most strong and affecting Proof of the manifold Wisdom and rich Mercy of God, in the Redemption of Rebel-Man by JESUS CHRIST; the Obligations to this glorious Being are increased beyond Expression. And how can any under the Gospel, be excused, who don't with warm Affections of Soul, improve these Evidences of the divine Being and Benevolence to the Purposes of their Duty and God's Glory?
But as the Proofs of a Deity, which are displayed all abroad in Creation and Providence, breaking forth, [Page vii]and shining out from every Part of the Creation, as also in every Scene of Providence, are open to all serious Observers: So, the brighter and more engaging Evidences of a God in the Revelation and Gift of Jesus Christ the Saviour, cannot escape the most pleasing Observation of all, whose Eyes are opened to behold the Glory of God in the Face of his Son. Never, O never do the Proofs of a Deity shine forth with such satisfying Clearness and sweet Influence, as they do in Christ Jesus; in whom, the great and glorious God may be known, & believed in; known, and loved; known, and rejoiced in and enjoyed for ever. This Kind of Proof (surely) cannot fail of having a most solemn, sweet and practical Regard from all that have felt the Power of it, in their Conversion, and blessed Conformity to God by Jesus Christ.
And how often is it, that the Subjects whom Providence singles out, in a remarkable Manner, to display the Perfections of God upon them; in their Deliverance from bodily Evils; and so to make them Witnesses for him: Are the very same whom Grace pitcheth upon too, for the same Purpose; in their Salvation from Sin and Hell. And so, almighty Providence, and rich Grace eminently meet at the Command of Sovereignty, which shines illustriously in them both.
Thus it was in the Days of our Saviour, when the Miracles of Power, in healing Men's Bodies, were attended with those of Grace, in the healing of their Souls. And how beautiful the Sight now, when in some Imitation thereof, the Subjects of an extraordinary Deliverance by Providence, do appear to be also the Subjects of converting and saving Grace? The Finger of God, in some few Instances of late, has appeared in a very wonderful Manner, in healing and restoring Persons from long Impotency [Page viii]and Confinement; whose Difficulties had long baffled all Means, and seem'd beyond the ordinary Methods of Cure. And O how much more of God still, has there been in such Instances, when they have been hopefully wrought upon, by almighty sovereign Grace too!
God's Creatures are all his own absolute Property, and he may single out which of them he pleaseth to be the distinguish'd Subjects of his Power and Grace. And this Person, of whose Deliverances I have undertaken to give some Account, has appeared for a long Series of Years to have been a remarkable Subject, and as it were a visible Seat of the divine Wonders. God's Dealings with her have been very uncommon, and even singular all along. And by the whole Frame of his Dispensations towards her, it has look'd as if God might have some Reserves of uncommon Favour for her, and Designs of displaying his sovereign Wisdom, Power, and Goodness in something extraordinary with Respect to her, as the Event now sheweth. Under some of the greatest Weight of the Hand of Providence upon her, there often appeared a wonderful Uplifting of the Heart and Soul, by the Power of Grace at Work in her. And the Work of God in her, has ever appeared to bear some Proportion to the Dealings of God with her. And, now, what doth at last so evidently appear to be done for her, seems to have been aimed at, and designed in the whole Scheme of Providence, and Train of Events concerning her; so much, is it of a Piece with the rest. And though no one could pretend to have foreseen it, yet now it has happened, it doth seem to be some extraordinary Result of divine Counsel and Compassion, the Fruit of resolute Mercy, which though contented to appear in slow Progress for many Years (in Order to make the more illustrious Discovery of it self [Page ix]in the Close) at Length breaks forth and makes its Way through all Difficulty, appears more open, and exerts itself in a very discernable and surprising Deliverance. A gracious Providence (it seems) had for Years together before this, been doing enough, in a more gradual Way, to fix her, and others Attention to God's signal Care of her, and to keep up a secret Hope of some greater Deliverances still; but now, when the set Time was come, to favour her with Liberty, and to make the divine Power and Praise the more illustrious; behold, her Restoration; must take an unusual Stretch, as if the Lord had not forgotten that Prerogative Character of his.— The Lord looseth the Prisoners — the Lord raiseth them that that are bowed down. And as if he would yet be known in that his incomparable Character, Who is like unto thee, O Lord—glorious in Holiness, fearful in Praises, doing Wonders. Verily, he hath remembred her, in her low Estate, for, his Mercy endureth forever. And this, (as, I might observe) has been the Issue of much Prayer for her, as well as in Consequence of great Faith, which has appeared to be wrought in her, and exercised by her. But, God chuseth whom he will to be the Subjects of his Mercy, he hath Mercy on whom he will have Mercy. And so he fits, whom he will, in and by them, to make his Power and Grace known, and to glorify himself before the World.
The Design of publishing this Account, is not to extol the Subject of this Deliverance, but the divine Author of it. And not to speak of what appears excellent in her any further, than it may seem necessary, to give some ample Testimony for God, in what he hath done for her. According to her own Words, ‘Oh let the [Page x]Lord humble me, and let none take Notice of me, but for God's Sake, and for his Honour.’ And forasmuch, as she seems to view every Thing in her, that justly looks well to others, as God's Creature and Gift, rather than as her Excellence; and also to give all that God has any Way done for her, back again unto him in Acknowledgement and Praise, I hope it will not be accounted any Transgression of Rule, to speak of her as a Monument of the Power and Mercy of God, which cannot be hid. Yea, such an open Instance hereof, wherein, the Lord hath been pleased to appear in his Strength of Salvation. Yea, 'tis so far from being the Design of this Narrative to magnify a poor Worm, the Subject of it, that it is rather to promote her Humility; by letting her yet more into herself to see still more of her own Vileness and Nothingness in the Light of the Knowledge of God, and of his Works of Wonder; which are here set before her; as a Glass, wherein she may (as in some entire View of God's Dealings with her) see what the Lord hath done for her; and this ranged, something in the Order of her Experience of it. And O let her Eyes be turned inward upon her self, as well as lifted upwards to God and Christ, and let her Soul be filled with sacred Love, Gratitude and Wonder, that even the Lord would look upon such a vile Creature, and single her out, to be such a Monument of his Almighty Power and Grace, something as it was with poor Mephibosheth, who bowed himself, and said, what is thy Servant, that thou shouldst look upon such a dead Dog as I am.
Furthermore, the Design hereof, is to fix the Remembrance of the Doings of the Lord, upon the Hearts of the Beholders hereof, and so to impress those Truths, and that Sense of God and divine Things, which some [Page xi]seem'd to have received by seeing how great Things the Lord had done for her.
I have (with others) been sundry Times to the Place, conversed frequently with her, and seen her the Subject of Deliverances, as I had before seen her, the Subject of Impotency. I have also made careful Enquiry into the Matters of Fact, concerning her; and got Information of the Credibility of the particular Witnesses to them. And took the utmost Care, I could that that might be a just Account of Things, and have here represented them as they are, in their own native Simplicity, without giving any determinate Opinion of the precise Nature of the Deliverance wrought for her, especially in the surprizingly free Use of her Feet, but leave the Reader entirely to judge thereof himself, according as it shall appear to him from the whole. Only observe, that there doth seem, upon the strictest Examination into it, to be plentiful Matter of the divine Praise and Glory, which I hope is the governing Design of this History. And in drawing out the Materials of it, and ranging of Things in their own Order, it will be something necessary and not incongruous to intermix something of her inward, Christian Experience with the Train of God's Dealings with her: Because the Designs of Providence and Grace, do really appear, to have been in Fact, carried on together. And I trust this Intermixture will relish well with the serious Reader, as it doth actually reflect a Beauty upon the Work of the Lord, and a Glory to the Author.
I shall only add this further, that the Things here related, are what many do know and speak of, without any Doubt of the Truth and Certainty of them. And that the most wonderful Event of all, (viz.) Her [Page xii]sudden rising up, and walking and leaping as one at Liberty from long Impotency, didn't happen to her when alone, nor was the Thing done in a Corner, but a Multitude, (who had been worshipping with her at the House) saw it, and wondred. And since that Time, the Evidence of her Deliverance growing yet stronger, 'tis the Opinion of many serious and judicious Persons, that it is worthy of Notice, among the wonderful Works of the Lord, which he will have to be remembred. At whose Desire, I have here given the following Account, in brief, and in the Order as follows.
Mr. LORD'S Account OF Mrs. MERCY WHEELER.
MErcy Wheeler (Daughter of Mr. Isaac Wheeler of Plainfield, and of Sarah his Wife) was born in the Year, 1706, and from a Child was favour'd with a signal Measure of Health, until the 20th Year of her Age, wherein, she was seized with the nervous Fever in the latter End of the Summer, in 1726. And thereupon, fell into such Weakness, as prov'd almost beyond Example. By the Summer following she was brought so low as to be wholly confined to her Bed, which Confinement continued for many Years. And for several of those Years was so reduced, and under such a prevailing Fever, that for a great while together, even every Day was expected to be the last.
But, before I proceed to give the particular Account of her Weakness; I must observe, that when first seized with her Sickness, she was under some Awakenings and Concern about her Soul, which grew upon her greatly in the Time of [Page 14]that Sickness, and in about six Weeks, her Soul-Distress rose to a Crisis, when she experience such a Change, and received that Comfort, which proved a continuing Thing, and of permanent Service to her, in all her subsequent low Estate of Body. She appeared very calm & composed in her Mind, patient in Tribulation, instant in Prayer, resigned to the divine Will, and serious in her Discourse; but otherwise made little, or no Discovery of her Conversion then. And therefore I shall refer the Account of this, to that Place in the Narrative, where it most naturally comes in, as to the Date of her own more explicit Relation of it—And further, will only observe here, that all along, even in the greatest Extremity of her Pain and Weakness. She had much Faith and Hope, and Comfort in God through Jesus Christ, and often enjoyed sweet Communion with him by his Word and Spirit, which were abundantly with her. Yea, excepting some Seasons of Temptations, Darkness and Fear, she was very comfortable in the whole Course of her Confinement. And when she could not converse with her Friends, by Reason of her extreme Weakness, she had, (by her Account afterwards) refreshing Converse with Heaven: Insomuch, that she would sometimes say, ‘Since the Lord was with me, in that Prison, and made it as a Palace to me, and with his Presence, I could freely go back there, if it was his Will that I should.’ And it seems as if the Joy of the Lord was her Strength in her Weakness and Confinement, or else it don't seem how the Frame of Nature could have kept together, so long, under such extraordinary Misery, [Page 15]and Impotency, before any remarkable Revival of Nature at all.
And now, that God may have all the Glory of upholding her thus, in such a low Estate, for so long a Time, and at length reviving her; here follows the Account of some Symptoms of her uncommon Weakness and low Estate.
Her Flesh consum'd, 'till she was reduced to a meer Skeleton; for, her Appetite was gone, and she not able to eat, or bear either Bread, or Flesh of any Kind, for the Space of five Years; and as to Provision, supported only, by thin liquid Food, and this some of the most mean in Nature and Dress, that can be imagined, and put into her Mouth only by Spoonfuls; and them, but three at a Time, twice a Day, and sometimes but once in a Day. Thus it was during this 5 Years, or the greatest Part of that Term.
Her Strength had failed, to that Degree, that she could not move her Head upon the Pillow, for a great while together, nor yet any Limb to help herself at all.
And so weak in this Time, that when they turn'd her in the Bed, she often, and usually fainted.
So weak that she could not spit at all, but only open her Mouth, and let her Spittle run out of it.
So weak in her vital Parts, that her Speech wholly failed her, so that she was not able to express her Thoughts by Whispers, to the Understanding of any, but those of the Family, who had learnt by the Motion of her Lips rather than by any distinct Articulation, to know her Mind in some Measure.
[Page 16] Her Strength so gone in this Time, that she scarce opened her Eyes at all. And when she did, could hardly see, so as to distinguish Persons, whom she had been most acquainted with; and knew but a very few, of all that came to see her.
Such was her extreme Weakness, that her Heart was not perceived to beat in all this Time, and she generally lay with her Mouth open, panting for Breath, as if a dying, and as it was tho't, sometimes, actually a dying; and once, to Appearance gone for a great while, so that they closed her Eyes, and thought she would revive no more—Such were the Symptoms of her low State, which divers knew, and have declared from their own Knowledge.
It may be noticed here, that in this Time of her extraordinary Weakness, a Variety of Means, with much Expence, were used for her, but all in vain, 'till after the Experiment of the cold Bath. Near the Close of this Time of her low State, this was once used, and gave such a Shock to her feeble Frame, that for a Month after, her Hands were drawn up and fast clenched, and not a Joint from her Fingers Ends to her Shoulder, would bend any more, than one entire Bone. Her Feet also, were affected in some like Manner. However, after this Shock, it was observed, that Means began to operate upon her. Not only were her Joints loosned, and her Fingers especially, which had been so suddenly contracted, recovered gradually to their proper Extension. But, she began to revive with inward Strength. Indeed her Knees and Ancles didn't recover now, nor all along, any Thing like to her Arms and Hands. And even [Page 17]these were not suddenly restored to their Use; for still she could not hold so much as a Spoon in her Hand to feed her self; nor yet keep her Fingers out straight, when she held out her Arm, but with their own Weight, they would drop. But yet she was for some Time recovering vital Strength before she spake out with an audible Voice.
Thus after something more than 5 Years from the beginning of her close Confinement, she began to mend. And in April 1732, on the publick Anniversary Fast-Day her Voice was restored to the Surprize of them about her; which, had these Remarkables attending it.—She had been for some Time now, under a Cloud, in which Time, she besought the Lord, for the Manifestations of Divine Light and Love, and prayed that if she was the Lord's, he would be pleased to give her some Token for Good, and having a great Desire (if it might be) so to recover from her long Weakness and present Darkness, as to be able to speak of what, she was yet ready to hope, God had done for her, and especially to speak something to her youthful Companions; her Thoughts ran much upon the Liberty of Speech, with earnest Prayer that this might be restored. And accordingly, it was so; and that very suddenly and surprisingly, so that she spake out audibly, and what she was first heard to say, was, ‘O what God has done for me now, he has opened my Mouth, that hath been shut many Years.’ Upon which she went on talking of God and divine Things in an agreeable Manner: And giving some Account of God's Dealings with her, which she was much disposed to speak of, and withal, expressed a great Desire [Page 18]of others Conversion, and being devoted to God: But it seem'd to her, (as she told me) ‘That she had never done any Thing for God.’ The Use of her Speech now, continued Forty eight Hours, and then failed again for about the Space of two Years.
Now, it is not suppos'd that her Speech fail'd at first through any special Defect in the Organs of Speech, but, rather through universal Weakness, and Failure of vital Strength. So that, she was not able to deliver Breath enough, to give the Air any forcible Vibration, to make an articulate Sound. And when she did speak, (it seems) she had been some Time recovering vital Strength, which in some Measure prepared her for it; and that she spake so suddenly, and with more Strength than she had seem'd to have yet habitually recovered; might be owing to an extraordinary Visit from God at that Time. And will it be difficult unto us, to conceive, that what of gradually recovered Strength was wanting to enable her to speak out thus, for this Season, might be supplied with the extraordinary Influence of divine Thoughts and of Light and Comfort in her Soul? which for the Time being, might possibly diffuse such further Vigor and Strength into her animal Frame, and raise her Courage with her Disposition to exert her self thus, as was sufficient for this Purpose. For if the Fear of the Lord (or the vigorous Acting of the divine Life) is Health (or Medicine) to the Navel, and doth invigorate the Seat of animal Life? It seems, that, some extraordinary Sense of divine Truth and Love, may do something, in a languid State, to give new Springs to [Page 19]the Organs of Speech. Certain it is, that Heaviness in the Heart of Man maketh it stoop: But a good Word, (of which Kind many were spoken to her Soul) maketh it glad. And, out of the Abundance of the Heart, especially, when refreshed with divine Light and Joy, the Mouth more readily and powerfully speaketh. It doth seem as if there was something extraordinary in her being able to speak for this 48 Hours, while under that powerful Sense of divine Things; because, she fail'd again so soon; when yet, afterwards her animal Strength appeared, much as it was before. And now after this Remark; I am not about to say, whether her speaking for this short Season, was design'd as a Specimen of further Favour, in her continued Power to speak; nor whether its Failure for the two Years, might be to try her Faith and Patience, and Resignation; though the Event answered well to both.—For in these two Years, it pleased the Lord to give her remarkable Quietness of Soul, and Submission to his Will; and tho' sometimes in the Dark, yet for the most Part, she appeared to know much of God, and as she humbly thinks, was strengthned more and more to believe and hope in God; 'till her Speech was restored to her again. But whatever was the Design of God in this extraordinary Dispensation, or however accomplished; the Thing was in Fact so, she did speak, and then could not for this Term of Time, as she and others relate it.
Sometime before she spake again, she had recovered Strength, so as to be able to sit up in the Bed, and to feed her self, which was now between seven and eight Years, since she had so far helped [Page 20]her self, and was also able to whisper more intelligibly then she had done in Years before, but, yet not able to speak out.—And a little before she did so, she was led to meditate on the Power of Christ, in his opening the Mouth of the dumb Man—And on his Power to help her in that Case of Impotency that she was in: at which Time, it seem'd as if her Faith was greatly assisted, and she enabled to trust in the Power of Christ, and was help'd to take Courage from the Willingness of Christ, to help such a poor Creature, as she was. Soon after this, she was enabled to exert her self in the Use of Speech, even with surprizing Force and Freedom. The People by her, wondred, as they perceived her Mouth was opened, and her Lips shewing forth the Praises of God: And she her self, greatly affected with it. Now her Heart and Mouth, was full with the 103 Psalm, ‘ Bless the Lord, O my Soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy Name, &c.’ She called upon others to praise God, with and for her; and wanted that even ‘ every Thing that hath Breath should praise the Lord.’ Her Speech now continued, and is (I trust) through God's Grace abundantly used in praising of him. As she appeared very much subdued and resigned to God, under her various Restraints by Providence, so upon every Release her Soul seem'd to be the more enlarged in his Praise. And in the general Course of her extraordinary Trials and Helps, it was remarkable, that she seldom had Relief, but, she was first made willing to have every Thing as God would have it to be. And as this rendred her Confinement and low State easy to her, (because she saw it was the Will of [Page 21]God, that she should be in that State, and was therefore reconciled to it, so every Relief and Mercy, both in Kind and Degree derived its Sweetness from its being the Pleasure of the Lord to give it to her. When she was very poor, she wou'd say, ‘I am well enough, because I am just so well as God would have me, and I dar'n't say I would have it otherwise.’—And when she was better, she would say, ‘I rejoice in the Ease and Help I have, only that God may be glorified in, and by me.’
After she had had the Liberty of Speech some Time, she more particularly related what God had hopefully done for her Soul in the Time of her Sickness; and especially, that Experience of the Power of God upon her Heart, which, she hopes is a saving Conversion to God. Of which, I shall in this Place, give the Account, as both formerly, and now lately she has related it—And though it is what she experienced about six Weeks after her Sickness began; yet forasmuch as she never gave any distinct Account of it, 'till after the Restoration of her Speech the second Time, I conceive this is the most proper Place to insert it. And it is as follows,—
‘In the latter End of August 1726, in the 20th Year of my Age, as I was taking Care of my Sister in her Sickness, and when she was apprehensive of Death's Approach; (appearing to have realising Views and to be under the powerful Sense of eternal Things) she addressed her self to me, after this Manner, Sister, you are young, and of an Age very much exposed to Temptation—but you should remember, that not your [Page 22]Youth will exempt you from the Stroke of Death, therefore pray consider whether you are prepared for it, &c.—Which, was a Means, by the Blessing of God, of putting me upon [...] serious Consideration: and not thinking [...] State to be good, yea, knowing that I was not prepared to die, and not knowing how soon the Hand of the Lord might touch me, or how soon Death might come, I felt something concerned about my Soul and Eternity. And in a few Days after, (viz) on the first of September following, it pleased God to visit me, with the same Distemper which my Sister had; and that, in a terrible Manner. And now her Words seem'd to be verified in this, that my Youth was no Fence against Sickness and Death, for I was very sick, and Death in a frightful View of it, stared me in the Face, and I expected no other but to die in a little Time. And instead of my former vain Mirth, and youthful Follies, it seem'd as if I must be soon reaping the bitter Fruits of them. It pleased God with this Sickness, to send his Holy Spirit to convince me of Sin, and of my miserable State—I expected to die, but it was something beyond the Grave, which my Heart trembled and shrank at the Thought and View of. The Sins of my Life, were now set in order before my Face. And even my whole Life appeared as one continued Act of Sin, or Series of Rebellion against God: And nothing but Destruction appeared before me, as my Portion. I attempted to cry for Mercy, but a Sense of my Guiltiness, and the terrible Apprehensions of the Wrath of God, almost overwhelmed me. [Page 23]Those Passages of Scripture in Prov. 1. 24-29. came to Mind, and took Hold of me.— Because I have called, and ye have refused, &c. I also will laugh at your Calamity, &c. I saw, that I had slighted the Offers of Grace, yea, been regardless of all the Warnings, Threatnings, Calls and Invitations of the Word; and set light by all Means. And it seem'd, as if my Day of Grace was over, my Concern held, and encreased for about six Weeks, and in this Time it often appeared to me, that I was the most vile and miserable Creature in the World. And in my Distress and Anguish of Soul, it seem'd sometimes, as if I should have been glad to have changed Conditions with the Beasts of the Field, looking upon my Case infinitely worse than theirs, for that I had an immortal Soul, destroyed by Sin, which I expected must bear the dreadful Wrath of God for ever, for the Sin of my Nature, and the Sins of my Life, which I saw cleaved to me. Then, sometimes, I should have more Encouragement, that the Day of Grace was not past, that there might be Hope for such an one as I. And was particularly encouraged from these Passages, Seek ye the Lord while he may be found—They that seek me early shall find me. And now, I was (with more Courage) put upon seeking; if haply God might be found: but then, such Texts would come into my Mind, Without Holiness, no Man shall see the Lord. — And the Sacrifices of the Wicked are an Abomination to the Lord. So that I could not get any lasting Ease, and Relief, by all my Duties—But, on the contrary, I was made to see such Evil in my self, [Page 24]and Sin in every Thing I did, that the more I did, the worse I seem'd to be: And the more dreadful my Case appeared, for that my Prayers, and all could not help me. It seem'd, as if I was lost, and could never recover my self, but the more I try'd, the worse I grew; until my Distress was so great, that Sleep wholly departed from my Eyes, so that I never shut them to sleep for three Days and three Nights together. And when urged to try for Sleep, and to use forcible Means for that End, my Concern was so great that I dare not, lest I should awake in Hell, and I wondred I was not there, and saw that I could not charge God with Injustice, if he should immediately send me there. But on the 4th Day; after I had been thus kept awake by the terrible Apprehensions of God's Wrath, and had lain, as one expecting the Execution of the dreadful Sentence of everlasting Condemnation, and had seen the Justice and Righteousness of God, in such a Sentence; it pleased the Lord, thro' the unsearchable Riches of his Grace and Mercy, unexpectedly to manifest himself, in another Manner, in and thro' the Redeemer; by these Words of the blessed Saviour in Matth. 11.28. Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy-laden, and I will give yon Rest. By which, I was made to see Christ's Allsufficiency, infinite Sutableness, and Willingness to save just such a sinful miserable Wretch, as I had made my self. It now appeared real, that Christ was calling and inviting me to come unto him; and O the Divinity which I saw in the Invitation, and in the Way of Salvation by [Page 25]him: And it seems, as if I was constrained to come (as laden, and born down as I was, with my Sins) and made to venture my Soul, and eternal ALL with him. I think I was made to bow to his Terms, and resign up my self to him; and (if I mistake not) found an absolute Willingness, and Desire, to take him for my Prophet, Priest, and King; and at the same Time found my weary Soul refreshed and comforted, and filled with Wonder and Admiration at the infinite Grace and Condescension of the blessed Redeemer, that ever he should look upon one so vile as I am. And when I thought what a glorious Being, and what Love and Grace, I had sinned against, my Heart broke under it, and this opened the Springs of Sorrow: And, Oh! Blessed be the Lord, the almighty Physician, who healeth the broken in Heart, that of his sovereign Grace, he has (as I hope) healed my Soul. To him be Glory for ever.’
Thus, I have given a brief Account, of her first notable Experience of the Work of God, upon her Soul, which has been followed with an agreeable Christian Experience, in the Course of her subsequent Life, and Trials and Deliverances; something of which, will be necessarily wrought into the remaining Part of the Narrative, unto which I now return.
In a little Time after this continued Power to speak, she was able to sit up in the Bed, and to have her Cloaths on. About which Time her Sight was restored, so that she could see to read a little, which she had not done for near Eight [Page 26]Years. As I have observed, her Sight failed through extreme Weakness of Body, and as her Strength increased, this was restored, and nothing more gradually than this. First she could only distinguish grosser Objects, and then lesser, till she could distinguish Letters and Figures, which she then knew, as well as ever she did, though at the same Time, she had lost the Knowledge of almost all Things that had been so long lockt up from her Senses. When first carried abroad, just to take the Air, and, the Works of Nature opened to her View; they were almost as new and surprising, as if they had but then started into Being. Indeed, she had almost lost every particular Idea, and Remembrance of the whole existing World without Doors, that she ever had any Knowledge of; but had made a happy Proficiency (even by this Time) in the Knowledge of divine Things with which she was so conversant.
When she was released from this Eight Years close Confinement to her Bed, and could bear the Air, a little; she more evidently recovered Strength; and in about Three Years more had gained so much as to be able to be held up in some erect Posture, and so by Degrees to be led, or rather carried and born up, between two, shoving her Feet along carefully upon the Floor, lest they turn'd aside: For, even at this Time, her Ancle-Bones were exceeding loose, and separate, by Reason of the long and great Relaxation of the Nerves and Tendons; that she could in no wise lift them up and use them, as Persons are wont to do, that yet have not Strength to walk without Help: Yea, so loose and separate were [Page 27]they, that a String must sometimes, be used about her Feet and Ancles, to keep her Feet in any proper Position, as she lay in the Bed. And also, her Knee-Bones, were so weak and loose, that after she was able to turn herself in Bed, she sometimes put them out in doing this.
But yet in the main, she gradually recruited, excepting in some intervening Pits of the Pleurisy and other Fevers, and various Distempers, which retarded her Recovery from her long Weakness; for, as it was observed, there was scarce any Distemper sent into the Place, but she had a Share of it. Twice she had the Throat-Distemper. The first Time, she was seized with it, she was under the Effects of it from October to the July following, before any great Revival. And the last Time, which was so lately, as in August 1740, she had it so bad, that she was obliged to take to her Bed again, and never could help herself more, any Thing considerable, 'till the last Day of the May, after. This now, was going back again into the Depths, where she was tried with new Scenes of Providence, but, supported also, with new Supplies of Grace.
At these Seasons, she had great Trials, and great Consolations to ballance them. She gave me the Account thus— ‘Once I was near choak'd, and thought I should die. And was ready to hope for it, if it might be the Will of God. My Evidences for Heaven then, O how clear were they? I had great Comfort in God. I can't tell how great. Upon some Abatement of my Distemper, I was sorely exercised with extreme Hunger for Bread, but must not have it. I thought I should gladly have taken it out [Page 28]of the Mouth of the Dogs, if I might have it. A little after, I saw a Piece of Bread given to a Dog, which wrought strangely on my Mind, and proved a Temptation to Uneasiness, which brought on great Darkness. Could I belong to God, (said I to my self) when deny'd the Bread that was given to the Dogs! Oh how it seem'd for a little while! Clouds and Darkness covered my Soul. But in this Time, those Words in Isai. 41.10. came to Mind, Fear thou not, for I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee, yea, I will help thee, I will uphold thee with the right Hand of my Righteousness: Which were improved upon my Heart, first to bow me to the Will of God, and afterwards to comfort me. After these, were given in these Words, in Matth. 4.4. Man shall not live by Bread alone, but by every Word which proceedeth out of the Mouth of God. Oh how was I help'd hereby? And then was repeated the former Words in Isai. Fear not, &c, which came now, with great Power and Consolation. And about three Days after, I was able to take Bread safely, and was resreshed and strengthened thereby. But, I was made to see that I had been sinfully impatient in the Desires of Death, for it appeared evident to me, that I ought to wait God's Time; and also, that I had been out of Frame, under the other Trial.—It seem'd sometimes, as if God chastened me to make me willing to die, and chastened me to make me willing to live; yet, in neither, must be my own Chuser: But, to live, or die as he pleased—And it came to [Page 29]that, that I was many Times afraid to chuse any Thing for myself here, lest I should cross the Will of God.’ This only for a Specimen of her Experiences under the Dealings of Providence.—
When this last mentioned Illness was over, and the Hysterick Disorders which had mixed in with all, were abated; she mended by more sensible Degrees; so that on the 25th of July 174 [...], she began to go with Crutches; bearing her Weight with them, and slipping her Feet carefully along upon the Floor; for they were not yet capable of their proper Use and Motion, by Reason of the forementioned Relaxation, which still continued. In this Manner, she went at Times, for the Course of Ten Months, in which Term she often made Trial of her Strength to go without Crutches; and on the very Day of her great Deliverance, she gat up, and stood alone, as she held her Hands on her Knees to steddy herself; but cou'dn't lift up a Foot, to take a Step. And never in all this Course of 16 Years did go one Step alone, until that wonderful Event happened, on the remarkable 25th of May last; which, seem'd so visibly to crown all that Providence had done for her before.
I shall here, distinctly tell what preceeded, attended, and followed it; in which Method, the Reader may have the clearer View of it.
As the neighbouring Ministers had frequently, at her Desire attended religious Fasts and Lectures at her Father's House; so now, at her Request a Lecture was appointed to be there on Wednesday, this 25th of May, and the Rev. Mr. Lord [Page 30]of Preston invited to preach it. On the Saturday Evening before, she had a very painful Sense of her Infirmities, and also an extraordinary Experience of the Power and Sweetness of God's Word; which both supported her under her present Trouble, and also encouraged her Faith in God, and Hope that it might be better with her. Thus, God strengthened her, with Strength in her Soul, and so, proportion'd the Strength to the Day. For, in this Time of her great Exercise, with Pain in her disorder'd Joints, and with Weakness in her vital Parts, the Lord appeared for her in the Use of his Word, as he had been wont to do. And first he set home that Word upon her Heart, Let Patience have its perfect Work. The Sight she now had of the Will of God in her Affliction, that all was as God, the wise, the good, and faithful God would have it, together with the View she had of her own Unworthiness of any Favour, greatly promoted her Patience and Submission. Then, came that Direction and Promise to her Mind, in Rev. 2.10.— Be thou faithful unto Death, and I will give thee a Crown of Life, which greatly encouraged her to hold out. And then, as if she must have a more abundant Consolation, those Words in John 11.40.— If thou wouldst believe, thou shouldst see the Glory of God, were brought home with great Power upon her Soul, which led her to view the Help there was for her in God, in the Way of believing; and from that Time, such was the powerful Impression of that Word, that she could not help thinking that God would some Way or other, glorify himself in her further and remarkable Deliverance. Thus her Mind wro't [Page 31]from Day to Day, 'till she had a strong Perswasion, that she should be healed, and that the Power of God would be seen in it, though she knew not how. And whatever Suspicion she had at Times, that her Faith in this Matter was not of God, and whatever Temptations she had to struggle with, which suggested to her, that all her Faith about being healed, was delusive, yet, it prevailed over all Discouragement and Opposition, and kept up for the most Part, during these three or four Days 'till her Deliverance came. On the Evening before the Lecture, her Pains were very great, and her Ancles (as she observed) disordered and separate as usual, yet she staggered not through Unbelief, but was enabled, (as it seem'd to her) to believe against Hope, i. e. Against all human Probability; for all Hopes of healing in the ordinary Way, seem'd to be cut off, and a Doctor just before, upon the View of her disordered Joints, had said, he thought she would always be a Cripple: But yet, her Faith was strengthened to that Degree, that it did'nt seem to her any Thing the more difficult for God to heal her, because her State was as it was. So far from this, that her Faith seem'd to rise the highest, when her own difficult State appeared the plainest. And, notwithstanding every Discouragement in Nature, she remained perswaded, that God would glorify himself in her healing, and her Tho'ts ran much upon its being done on the Lecture-Day at Hand. On the Morning of that Day, her Faith grew stronger still, and she could not help thinking, that she should see the Glory of God that Day; but, this no Way serv'd to supersede or prevent her [Page 32]earnest Prayer to God for healing. For, she felt her Soul let out much in seeking to the Lord Jesus to heal her. And her Faith was more and more strengthened by meditating on the Miracles of Christ; especially, on his healing the poor impotent Man, that had lain so long at the Pool. It seems, it had been the Lord's Manner with her, to encourage, and help along, her Faith and Hope by directing her to the View of his Miracles, wrought upon one and another, wherein, she had often a clear Representation of her impotent Case; and also a Soul-reviving View of the Power of Christ; so she had at this Time, and it didn't seem difficult to her, to think that the Lord could and would help her. With this Faith, she entred the Day; and was strong in Faith and disposed to give Glory to God: Her Mind in an extraordinary raised Frame; and could scarce keep from expressing it out full. When Mr. Lord came to attend the Service appointed, She had a great Desire to tell him what she had lately met with, and what her particular Faith was about her healing; but could not do it. And when she saw how she was restrained from it, it appeared to her, that it was best she should keep her Faith to herself, lest by her publishing it, there might be an Expectation among the People of something extraordinary, or otherways that Improvement be made of it, which might not be for the Glory of God. Mr. Lord began with Prayer: And however earnest therein, for her; yet it seemed to her, as if he was not so earnest for her healing, as he used to be at other Times. For, so intent was her [Page 33]Mind on God's glorifying himself in her healing, and he not having any such particular Faith as she had, was not led to express himself so fully answerable to her raised Thoughts of this particular Thing. However, she seem'd to be in a happy Frame in Prayer, and Singing. And when Mr. Lord proceeded to the Sermon, though it was trying, and kept her Thoughts employed much in Self-Examination, yet it did not lower her Faith, but tended all to strengthen her. He preached from Isa. 57.15. I dwell in the high and holy Place, with him also that is of a contrite and humble Spirit, to revive the Spirit of the Humble, and to revive the Heart of the contrite ones.—After he had given some Description of the humble Heart, and had spoke of the gracious Presence of God, promised to such an one, &c. he proceeded to examine, whether thus humbled?—She thought she could answer to his Rules of Trial, and say Amen to them, and take the Comfort thereof. After he had gone through with his Examination, he said, ‘The Lord will revive the Hearts of the Humble, and if you are truly humble, God will revive you; depend upon it, he will, and fear not. Yea, if for his Glory, he will revive and bring you out of a Furnace.’ Which seem'd to sink into her Heart, as if the Lord did indeed set it home by his Spirit: Then by the Power of the Word upon her Soul, she fell a Trembling; but this without any Diffidence and Terror; for it was given to her at that Time, to believe that the Lord would revive and help her, and bring her out. This involuntary Shaking now, continued but a few [Page 34]Minutes; and Nothing in her Behaviour was there, to interrupt the religious Exercise of the People. Her Mind and Heart kept up, in a raised Frame; but yet she was composed thro' the whole, and was more and more confirm'd in it, That the Lord would shew his Glory in helping her. After Service was over, Mr. Newel asked her how she was; but she was too much overcome, to tell how. And when she began to speak, it was something abruptly—(somewhat like as the Spouse, when overcome with Discoveries, begins thus— The Voice of my Beloved:) Plainly shewing that her Mind was full of Thought, and that her Ideas crowded so fast to the Door of Out-lett, that they could not observe the justest Order in their Expression, and Manner of coming forth.
She was now set upon the Bed, something spent and overcome. Mr. Lord came, and sat down by her, and discoursed with her a little, but soon perceived her to be too much overcome for any Conversation almost: she exprest a great Desire of submitting to the Will of God; but cou'dn't help talking about her Healing, and said, she saw that Christ was willing to heal her. Upon which, Mr. Lord replied, that she should have the Will of Christ concerning her. But by this Time she was so overpowered with the Sense of God (as she expressed it) ‘That she could hardly speak, and could not tell what to compare herself to, but, An Atom drowned in the Sea:’ So swallowed up was she, with the Thoughts and Sense of God, and every Way surrounded with his Power. And [Page 35]then only observed to Mr. Lord, that it seem'd to her, as if GOD was with her of a Truth— and so stopped—Upon which he replied, ‘If so, then you are well of it, and I will leave you for the present,’ which he thought best; because she was much spent, and he was afraid she would be quite overcome with any more Conversation then. So, he gat up & walked away among the People, that were yet tarrying in the House. And no sooner was he gone from her, but it turn'd in her Mind — ‘The Lecture is ended, and the Service all over, and I am not healed; what is become of my Faith now? Won't it be with me, as it used to be?’ Whereupon a Cloud of great Darkness came over her, for a Minute or two; in which Time, she was led again into her self, to see what a poor unworthy Creature she was, and had some such Thoughts of the Wisdom and Goodness of God's Will, that she felt a Disposition to be as God would have her be. Then those Words were repeated to her, — If thou wilt believe, thou shalt see the Glory of God. By which her Darkness was carried clear off, and under the Influence of this Word, NOW, she seem'd (as she exprest it) ‘to be wholly taken out of her self, into the Hands of God; and enabled to believe that he could and would heal her.’ Immediately upon which, she felt a strange irresistible Motion and Shaking, which began first with her Hands; and quickly spreading over her whole Frame; in which Time, she felt a kind of Weight upon her; a sort of racking of her Frame; every Joint as it were, working; and as [Page 36]if she was with Hands squeezed together, in her weak Places. As this Trembling went off, her Pains went with it, and she felt strong, especially in the Seat of Life, where she had been most remarkably weak; and from thence Strength diffused it self all over her animal Frame, into her Hips, Knees, Ancles &c. She felt strong and well, as if she had no Disease upon her, and was under no Difficulty. And as she had this Sensation of new Strength and Freedom, she felt as if she was a raising up, and must rise; and immediately rose up and walked away among the People, with evident Sprightliness and Vigour, to the Astonishment of her self and those about her. She went this Time near 16 Feet, crying out, ‘Bless the Lord Jesus, who has healed me!’ but was soon damp'd with this Tho't, that she was only in a Frenzy, and not healed; and the more so, when Mr. Lord (surprised at seeing her to walk thus, whom he had just before left impotent and overcome too, so that she could hardly talk) did observe to her, that she was in a Frenzy, and accordingly took hold of her and led her to the Bed, and bid her sit down; yea, even thrust her down. But she could not be confined there; feeling yet strong and at Liberty, she quickly rose up again, with those Words in her Mind, I have loved thee with an everlasting Love, and with the high Praises of God in her Mouth. Her Soul being filled with such Admiration and Love, as she declared was inexpressible. Now she walked several Times across the Room with Strength and Steddiness; which even constrained the People to think and [Page 37]say, Verily, This is the Power of God! and they wondred and praised the same. And it was about 6 of the Clock in the Afternoon that the Thing was done, at which they all marvelled, and having united in a Prayer, and in Praise, on this remarkable Occasion, they were dismissed to their several Homes, still wondring and rejoicing at what their Eyes had beheld, and their Ears had heard that Day.
Thus I have related the Matter as exactly as I could have it, both from others and her self. And as it may be expected, by some, in such a Matter as this, here follow some Testimonies to her State before, and after this Event related; which, when I have inserted, I shall go on with the History, and relate briefly the Consequences of the Event, which will exhibit further Proof of the Reality of it.
The Testimony of Philip Spaulding of Plainfield &c. of lawful Age, testifieth and saith, That living near Mr. Isaac Wheeler's, Father to Mercy Wheeler, who has for many Years past, lain confined and unable to walk, and being at the House, her Mother desired me to look on her Feet, and see how her Ancle-Bones were parted. I did so, and felt on them, and they were parted so, that I could lay the Ball of my Thumb between them, and her Feet seemed to me, to turn any Way, as though they had no Strength in them. And farther saith the Deponent, that being at the House, the next Morning after the Rev. Mr. Hezekiah Lord preach'd [Page 38]there, I observed that Mercy had the Use of her Feet to my Admiration.
The Testimony of Doctor James Girauld, of lawful Age, testifieth and saith, that sometime in the Month of May last, being at the House of Mr. Isaac Wheeler, his Daughter Mercy desired me to look on her Ancle-Joynts, and the Bones of her Ancles were parted to my Admiration. They were so parted from their proper Place, that I could lay the Ball of my Thumb between the Bones. And I further say, that I was there the next Day after Mr. Lord preached at the House, and observ'd Mercy acknowledging the Goodness of God in her sudden Relief, and she desired me to view her Ancles now; I did so, and the Bones were drawed up to their proper Place, to my Admiration.—
The Testimony of Benjamin Wheeler of lawful Age, testifieth and saith, that being at Isaac Wheeler's House some time before Mr. Lord preach'd there in May last, his Wife desired me to look on Mercy's Feet. I did so, and the Bones of the Ancle-Joynts were parted from each other.
Plainfield, June 20th. 1743.
Then the above nam'd Philip Spaulding, James Girauld, and Benjamin Wheeler, all personally appear'd, and made Oath to the above written Evidences.
[Page 39] Now to return to the Narrative, and to speak particularly of the Consequences of this Event, from the Close of that Day, on which it happened, and so forward to this Day—I have given Account of her walking alone, and with evident Tokens of new Strength, in the Presence of many Witnesses, on that Day of her Deliverance. So she continued able to walk all the Evening after, went to her Bed, stood up and undrest her self, which she had not done before in 16 Years. She lay down to rest, believing in God, and giving thanks for the Wonders he had done, but, thro' the abundance of Thought, slept but little that Night. Sometime in the Night felt such Return of her pains, as gave her to think, God was about to try her; And moreover it was Suggested to her, ‘Tho' you have had Strength to walk, yet it will be soon taken away, and how will you bear that?’ But this Temptation was presently over, as she felt her Will bowed to the Will of God, and it seemed to her, as if she was made willing to go back again to Prison, if it was the Pleasure of the Lord, that she should; and the whole Term of her being there, now seemed short to her from the sweet Review she had of God's presence with her there. In the Morning her Pains continued, but her Faith tho' tried, sailed not. As soon as the Light favoured her, she reach'd for her Bible, and began to read, and found new Strength by the Word. Tho' it had been darted into her Mind, "You won't be able to rise and walk." She found present Relief by that Word.— All Things are possible to him that believeth. And reading the Account of three Miracles which Christ wrought, she [Page 40]was still more encouraged and strengthened in her Faith—Her Pains abated, and it seem'd, as if she was bid to arise. She rose up, and drest herself, without Help, which she had not done before in all the Time of her Weakness. When dressing her self, it came into her Mind to view and feel of her Ancles, which she found to her Admiration and Thankfulness, were closed and firm, where before they were separate and loose. As on the other Day, when she was, as it were, taken by the Hand and lifted up, she perceived that immediately her Feet and Ancle-Bones received Strength: So now, she saw, that they were closed up; as they never had been before in all her Impotency. And so, she had an Evidence of her Healing, from Sight, as well as Sense. She drest, and walked, praising God. After having walked about the House a while, she went abroad, and over to her Brother's House, about twelve Rods. This was all new Exercise, to her; and opened to her new Observations; and let in new Reflections. And the Discovery and Sense of God in her late Deliverance, seem'd to reflect a new Light upon every Thing she saw and met with. She could turn her-Eyes no Way, but the World about her, seem'd full of the Evidence of a God and Providence, which all serv'd to keep her Soul at Work, and in its Exercise of Love and Duty to God.
On this Day (viz.) the Day after her Deliverance, Mr. Newel (who was then preaching at Plainfield) preached a Sermon at her Father's House, from those Words, in Joh. 5.14. Afterwards Jesus [Page 41]findeth him in the Temple, and said unto him, Behold, Thou art made whole: Sin no more, lest a worst Thing come unto thee. Which proved a seasonable Word unto her, as thereby she was taught the Danger, which those are yet in of sinning, who have been the Subjects of great Deliverances, and so was led to see her Danger of Pride, Sloth, Unthankfulness &c. And as she had discovered a great Desire to be, and even a Perswasion that she should be in the House of God the next Sabbath; so in hearing this Sermon she was much confirmed therein. And accordingly on the very Sabbath following (though cloudy and rainy, and before she had been used to the Air much) she was enabled to ride to the House of the Lord, which was near three Miles; and had not been upon an Horse, in sixteen Years before. As she was passing thereto, it was suggested to her, ‘You are got from your Father's House, and going where you know not, and it may be will never return.’ Upon which, she had a Thought of being carried back directly; but the Temptation was repelled with that Word, They that trust in the Lord shall be as Mount Sion, which cannot be moved. And (as she exprest it) it seem'd to her, as though the Lord, by a strong Hand, brought her to his Sanctuary, where she was enabled to attend on the publick Worship all the Day, without Pain, or Weariness, or taking any Cold.—On the first Day of June, Mr. Lord of Preston preached a publick Lecture there from Acts 3.6—10.— And immediately his Feet and Ancle-Bones received Strength, and he leaping up, stood and walked, and entred with them into the Temple, [Page 42]walking and leaping and praising God, and all the People saw him walking and praising God. Which were so true of her, that, on that Day she entred with them into the Temple walking, &c. and all the People saw it. — On the 14th of June, another Sermon was had there, from Matth. 15.28. And she attended then, and walked from the Meeting-House, to a private one, many Rods. She has been able to walk ever since, and generally has attended the publick Worship on Sabbath-Days from the first, and begins to travel abroad into other Towns. The last Week she rode to Norwich, which is 15 Miles; and was at the publick Worship and Communion with us the last Sabbath; and walked both to, and from the House of God, Morning and Evening. — Thus evident is her Restoration, and increasing Strength and Health also. For, never did she, in all her former Revivals, recover Health, nor ever could she take Food and Sleep for that Purpose; as now, since this last Deliverance. And for this Reason has the Narrative been the more readily delayed unto this Time; that Days might give the stronger Proof of what was so sudden and surprizing. Thus it constantly appears, to have been no Frenzy of her's, that she first walked; but a Fact, and Work of the Lord; for she has done so, many Months, and is as like to do so still, as any other Person.
And a further Testimony for God, is yet exhibited, in her moral Conduct. She walketh praising GOD wherever she goes. It seems, as if her Soul was in Health, and prospered. She [Page 43]appears to have an abiding Sense of God upon her Soul, and to walk up and down in the Light of God's Countenance; rejoicing in God and Jesus Christ, as her All. But, with great Self-Diffidence and cautionary Fear, lest she should some Way or other dishonour God, and be a Stumbling Block to Men. And so I shall close up the Narrative, with giving the Reader a Specimen of her daily Reflections, and Breathings of Soul, in her own Language—
‘Scarce one Day now, do I look abroad, but the Works of Creation shew me God, and lead me to him: And yet dare not say that I live one Minute as I ought—I want to see more of the Dealings of God with me, that I might live more to him— Oh how should I live! entirely devoted to God, as my constant End and All—If I could praise God, it seems that I should be content in any Condition, that he would have me in— Oh what a Life should I live? Never a Soul so indebted to God as I am. It was the lowest Stoop that ever Christ made, when he look'd upon me— When I think how he has passed by Thousands, and has had Mercy on me, the Vilest of all; how surprizing? 'Tis only because he will have Mercy on whom he will have Mercy— And yet how unthankful am I! My Heart is surely worse than others. O my Ingratitude! How good is God, and how holy! —It seems that I never did any Thing —And without Christ I can do nothing—I long that Christ may be all; and what is all else compared with him! Oh that I may [Page 44]live wholly on him, and to God by him!— But I am afraid to speak, lest it would be to shew my self: and yet I know that if others have any Thing to boast of, I've nothing, whereof to glory. O that God would humble me, and glorify himself!’—Such Kind of Reflections and Breathings go into her daily Conversation. And was it the Observation that Christ made of his Disciples? I am glorified in them. May this be eminently true of her; and let all that has been here said, be so received, that Christ may be glorified in and by her. Yea, when, CHRIST comes to be glorified in his Saints, may He be admired in her, as in all them that believe.
NORWICH, October 14. 1743.