CHAP. I.

IT is the misfortune of all great writers, to put pen to paper so fast, and let their imaginations carry them away in such a hurry, that they seldom consider whether their readers comprehensions will be able to gallop af­ter them post-haste, without being out of breath, to the end of the first chapter, even tho' it should not contain above a [Page 4] dozen lines. And it is as great an er­ror in judgment, — nay, worse than that which Byng was shot for, to put too much wit in any production that is in­tended for universal reading — I say, universal reading: for, besides the opi­nion of one of the greatest writers of this or the last age, I cannot say which, ‘"that a reader should have as much wit as the author he reads, to under­stand him;"’—which I flatter myself is seldom the case. I speak as an author, and therefore should be allowed a little va­nity: I say, besides this generally received doctrine, how can we tell what different kinds of wit prevail with all the readers in the universe; — to go no further than the antipodes, it is a thousand to one, whether they would understand a pun, or the best bon-mot in all Tristram Shandy: — and for aught I can tell, in [Page 5] the moon, and some other of the illite­rate planets, they may have exploded every kind of true wit mentioned by Addison. It is evidently for this reason, that in most of the periodical works, which are reckoned universal, and parti­cularly the magazines, we are very sel­dom troubled with any thing but plain good sense, the best method of making water-gruel, and fattening of capons; which may be of use, and understood all over the world.

CHAP. II.

MY good friend, and arch compa­nion Mr. Tristram Shandy, gentle­men, who makes such honourable men­tion of my learned father, the celebrated doctor Kunastrokius, of physical me­mory [Page 6] ^* has fallen into this very mistake that I have just been mentioning; and, by a certain subtility of thinking, and quaint­ness of expression, the beauties and ex­cellencies of his work, may not only be passed over by many of the inhabitants of Asia-minor, Monomotapa, some of the Mickmacs, Cherokees, and Catawbas, but, at least, by seven hundred and fifty of the inhabitants of London, and West­minster, the Borough of Southwark, and parts adjacent.

This computation, which I did not make myself, may appear at first, some­what too exact, but the reader may be persuaded I have it from the best autho­rity, — my printer, who assures me, I can­not sell more or less than that num­ber: [Page 7] I own I was at first of another opinion, and therefore ordered him to print twenty thousand; but he soon con­vinced me of my mistake, by the cart­loads of waste-paper in his shop, so that I now set down to write for the seven hundred and fifty incomprehensible readers of Tristram Shandy, in and about the pur­licus of this metropolis, — and no other.

CHAP III.

TO them be it known, then, that Mr. Tristram Shandy is one of the greatest moralists, and most refined poli­ticians this, or any other age whatever has produced.

CHAP. IV.

BEFORE we enter upon the illus­tration of these round assertions, it will be necessary to point out the qualifi­cations of a moralist. He should have a fundamental knowledge of ethics, or that science which fixes the oeconomy and conduct of human Life, that teaches the regulation of the passions, and in­structs men to be happy, by practising all the social virtues. He should know how to adapt these rules to the various subjects he treats of, and point out such evident and uncontrovertable conclusions in favour of morality, as every unbiassed reader must be sensible of the effect.

CHAP. V.

A Moralist has generally one, two, three, four, five, six, and some­times more things in view. Those of the singular number, write for writing's sake: those of the first plural number, invert the rule of oeconomy, ‘"a penny saved is a penny got,"’ and think, that in getting a penny, they do more than save one they have not, — so that they make writing and eating go hand in hand. The triple number have gene­rally some new moral doctrine to broach, and, with the two former con-commit­tants, add, that of self-opiniated public service. Then come the controvertists to these, and the recontrovertists, with [Page 10] their answers, replies, and rejoinders, ad infinitum. ———But, before I launch out any further in the definition of a moral writer, I must inform my seven hundred and fifty readers that Mr. Tristram Shandy is not among any of these classes. — He stands by himself upon the top shelf of ethics, — tho' but in twelves, —unrivalled, — inimitable, — and (to my seven hun­dred and fifty incomprehensible readers) incomprehensible. He must, therefore, be more fully explained than any of the foregoing moralists, — and, for that rea­son, I allow him best part of the follow­ing sheets for his public defence to the moral world.

CHAP. VI.

THE first evident mark of Mr. Tristram's morals (which indeed [Page 11] is no farther than the third page) is what he puts into his mother's mouth upon his father's regularity in winding up the house clock. Regularity every one knows is the corner-stone of virtue—and virtue is the foundation of morality— Thus far, then, Mr. Shandy goes on in a moral track to give us the history of his anti-birth.

But what does the winding up of the clock allude to—and how comes it this thought always entered his mother's head once a month? This he very natu­rally accounts for by an assemblage of ideas, according to Locke; and what­ever it may want in decency, he very no­tably makes up by sound philosophy and his little men ^* in embrio—according [Page 12] to the oeconomy of human life, and consistant with moral duties.

CHAP. VII.

IT would be difficult for me, and te­dious for my readers, to trace Mr. Tristram Shandy through every part of his moral character: I shall therefore con­fine myself to such traits as are the most striking (tho' not self-evident) and least understood.

Among these the following passage seems next to claim our attention. ‘"The rituals direct the baptizing of the child, in case of danger, before it is born; but upon this proviso, that some part or other of the child's body be seen by the baptiser: but the [Page 13] doctors of the Sorbonne, by delibera­tion, held amongst them April 10, 1733, have enlarged the powers of the midwives, by determining, that though no part of the child's body should appear, — that baptism shall nevertheless be administered to it by injection by means of a little squirt. 'Tis very strange that St. Thomas Aquinas, who had so good a mecha­nical head, both for tying and untying, the knots of school-divinity, should, after so much pains bestowed upon this—give up the point at last, as a thing impossible."’

Here follows the question upon bap­tism, with the consultation of the doctors of the Sorbonne thereupon in French; but as Mr. Shandy has not favoured us with a translation, and as very likely [Page 14] some of my incomprehensible readers may not understand that language, I have ren­dered it in English.—Those of my rea­ders, who (notwithstanding their incom­prehensibility) have a smattering of the Gallican tongue, and fancy they com­prehend the whole affair in the original, have nothing to do but skip to chapter 9, and fancy there is no such thing as chapter 8 in this whole book,—I mean volume.

CHAP. VIII.

A Memorial presented to the doctors of the Sorbonne. ‘"A Sur­geon and man-midwife represents to the gentlemen of the Sorbonne, that there are some cases, though very un­common, wherein a mother cannot [Page 15] be delivered, and when even the child is so inclosed in the mother's womb, that no part of it's body appears, in which case, according to the rituals, baptism should be conferred to it, at least, upon conditions. The surgeon, who makes this representation, en­gages, by means of a syringe, to baptize immediately the child, with­out any way hurting the mother. The question he asks is, whether this method he proposes, is allowable and legal, and if he may follow it in a case parallel to that which he repre­sents?"’

The answer to the foregoing memo­rial:

‘"The council is of opinion, that the question proposed has many difficulties [Page 16] to be first removed. The theologists have on one side established a princi­ple, that baptism, which is a spiritual birth, supposes a prior birth; we must be born into the world to be re­born in Jesus Christ, according to their doctrine. St. Thomas, part. 3. quaest. 88. article 11. follows this opinion as an established fact: we cannot (says that holy doctor) baptize children which are inclosed in their mothers wombs. By this St. Thomas means these children are not born, and there­fore cannot be reckoned amongst o­ther men: from whence he infers they cannot be the object of an exter­nal action, to receive thereby the sa­craments necessary to salvation: Pu­eri in maternis uteris existentes non­dum prodicerunt in lucem ut cum aliis hominibus vitam ducant, unde [Page 17] non possunt subjici actioni humanae, ut per corum ministerum sacramenta recipiant ad salutem. The rituals enforce the practice of what theoli­gists have regulated upon those heads and they unanimously prohibit the bap­tising of children which are inclosed in their mothers wombs, if no part of their bodies appears. The concur­rence of the theologists and the ri­tuals, which are the rules of the dio­cesses, seems to establish an authority necessary to answer the present ques­stion: however, the council of con­science, considering on the one hand, that the reasonings of the theologists is entirely founded upon their desire of conformity, and that the prohibi­tion of the rituals, supposes, that chil­dren so inclosed, cannot be baptized in their mothers wombs, which is against the present supposition; and, [Page 18] on the other hand, considering that the same theologians teach, that the Sacraments which Jesus Christ has esta­blished, as the easy, but necessary means of sanctifying man, may be hazarded; and besides, supposing that children inclosed in their mothers wombs are capable of salvation, as they are liable to damnation; upon these considerations, and having an eye to the memorial, wherein it is as­sured, that a certain method is found out, of baptizing children thus in­closed, without occasioning the least prejudice to the mother; the council imagines, that the means proposed may be made use of, in the belief that God has not left this kind of children without any resource, and supposing, according to the represen­tation, that the means there proposed are porper to procure them baptism, [Page 19] nevertheless, as by authorizing the proposed practice, a rule universally established must be cancelled, the council thinks, that the memoralist should make application to his bishop, whose province it is to judge of the utility and danger of the method pro­posed, and as (under the direction of the bishop) the council thinks that re­course should be had to the pope, in whom the right of explaining the laws of the church, and of derogating therefrom, where they cannot be ex­ecuted, is invested: and, however in­genious and useful the manner of bap­tism here proposed may be, the council cannot give their approbation to it, without the concurrence of these two authorities. The memoralist is, at least, advised to apply to his bishop, and to inform him of the present de­cision, that in case the prelate should [Page 20] coincide with the reasons, whereupon the under-signed have founded their opinions, he may be authorized in cases of necessity, when too much time may be lost to ask permission, and have it granted, for following the method proposed, so advantageous to the child's salvation. The council has nothing further to add, than, that notwithstanding they believe this me­thod may be pursued, are neverthe­less of opinion, that in case the chil­dren in question should come into the world, contrary to the expectation of those who have used this method, it would be necessary to baptize them upon condition; and this is conform­able to all the rituals, which in autho­rizing the baptism of a child, some part of whose body appears, enjoins at the same time, and orders it's baptism [Page 21] upon condition, in case it comes happily into the world."’

CHAP. IX.

I Suppose, by this time every one of my readers (French readers, or En­glish readers) understands clearly and perspicuously, the representation or me­morial of the French man-midwife, and the answer of the doctors of the Sorbonne thereto; and in this opinion too (before any English translation is given) Mr. Tristram Shandy gives his compliments to those doctors, in the following words,

[Page 22] ‘"Mr. Tristram Shandy's compliments to Messrs. Le Moyne, De Romigny and De Marcilly, hopes they all rested well the night after so tiresome a consulta­tion. — He begs to know, whether, after the ceremony of marriage, and before that of consummation, the bap­tizing all the HOMUNCULI at once, slap-dash, by injection, would not be a shorter and safer cut still; on con­dition, as above, that if the HO­MUNCULI do well, and come safe into the world after this, that each and every of them shall be baptized again (on condition) —— and provided, in the second place, that the thing can be done, which Mr. Shandy appre­hends it may, by means of a syringe, and without any prejudice to the fa­ther."’

[Page 23]This, and the foregoing passages, are what I propose labouring hard to rescue from the claws of moral (though pseudo) critics, who would insinuate, that they are not only directly inconsistent with all morality, but evidently antichristian. As to you, my worthy ( though incomprehensi­ble) readers, I dare say, no such thoughts ever entered your brain, nor indeed how should they, for what immorality can there be in giving the substance of a the­ological dispute, especially when every thing that can possibly give offence is ex­pressed in a foreign tongue?

The latter part of this conclusion, or query, or whatever you please to call it, I do not so much insist upon, as in that case I should share the guilt, if there were any, with my friend Tristram [Page 24] Shandy, for having exposed him in Eng­lish. Therefore, having said all I can say, in defence of his morals and ortho­doxy, in this respect, I beg you will conclude with me, that in this part he no way deviates from his general moral character.

This, I think, is reasoning (ay, and sound reasoning too) enough for one chapter — and so we proceed to the next.

CHAP. X.

THIS chapter, though entirely up­on modesty, cannot properly be called a modest chapter, notwithstanding there is very little of the author's vanity [Page 25] in it: therefore any of my seven hundred and fifty readers (being females) may pass it over, if they chuse it, and my lazy readers in particular, (of either gender, the epicene not excluded) are carefully recommended to avoid it, as perhaps after all they will have occasion to re­cur to a dictionary, or be obliged to say their A, B, C, numerically before they understand it.

—— ‘"Then it can be out of nothing in the world, quoth my uncle Toby, in the simplicity of his heart — but MODESTY.—My sister, I dare say, added he, does not care to let a man come so near her ****."’ ^*

One would be inclined to imagine, that a man of my friend Tristram's strict [Page 26] morals had concluded the sentence be­fore the asterisms, and that they were a meer error of the press, though they had run through two editions, if he had not immediately after added:

— ‘"My sister, may hap," quoth my uncle Toby, "does not chuse to let a man come so near her ****, make this dash,—'tis an aposiopesis—Take the dash away, and write backside — 'tis bawdy. — Scratch backside out, and put cover'd way in,—'tis a meta­phor;—and I dare say, as fortification ran so much in my uncle Toby's head, that if he had been left to have added one word to the sentence,—that word was it."’ ^†

[Page 27]Notwithstanding my strict reliance up­on Tristram's veracity, and my great o­pinion of his uncle Toby's purity of ex­pression, I cannot be induced to believe that his uncle Toby either said backside, bawdy or not bawdy, or was metaphori­cally inclined to express himself in a co­vered way.—Naked truth, I believe, he thought the best—four asterisms are but four asterisms — and ever since asterisms have been in use, we have always been taught that their number should be sup­plied by a like number of letters to make out the sense.

Curious, indefatigable, unblushing rea­ders, consider what letters will properly supply the place, without infringing up­on the sense.—Mind I have already ex­ploded uncle Toby's "backside" and "covered way."—What do you think [Page 28] of head? there are but four letters in this word —Ay, but it will not do, it is quite opposite to the author's meaning.— Arm and leg have but three letters, and be hanged to them.— Thigh comes near it, but then there is a letter too many. —I have it—the third, the twentieth, the thirteenth, and the nineteenth letters of the English alphabet certainly compose the word, though it is not to be found in any Lexicon extant—I hope.

CHAP. XI.

THIS chapter I intend to devote en­tirely to hobby horses.

A hobby-horse is a machine which boys (ay, and girls too) frequently sit astride upon, and which going up and down affords them much amusement.

[Page 29]Mr. Tristram Shandy's hobby-horse I take to be ****, (four asterisms) as ex­plained Chap. X. and his favourite ar­gument the argumentum ad rem, as he ap­plies it in page 139, volume the 1st of his work.

My hobby-horse is a goose quill, upon which I have rode through life to this period, and by which I hope to get hobby-horsically to my journey's end without much fatigue.

N. B. My hobby-horse never goes on so briskly as upon a journey of prescrip­tions and receipts—for, instead of paying upon the first road, I receive toll; and the last excursion I seldom make but for the sale of some young hobby, the offspring of my goose quill, which never stum­bles without I meet with a lady, when [Page 30] I get out of the way of the two first syllables of my name, and canter on simple Strokius—though to be sure there is no more resemblance between a K and a C, than there is between my hobby-horse and a lady's pad.

CHAP XII.

THE foregoing chapters will give my readers a very competent idea of Mr. Tristram Shandy's morality and religion; for though there may be some few slips of the pen, particularly where the four asterisms are left to supply the place of a word, the drift of this work evidently appears to be moral and ortho­dox, particularly the last, which is mani­festly evinced by his scheme of baptizing, slap dash (to use his own words) all man­kind, [Page 31] even before they are born, and thereby prevent any heretical, or schis­matical opinions (except in matters of faith) whatever.

CHAP. XIII.

I AM now going to consider my friend Tristram Shandy as a politician— or rather, as he is considered by the greatest politicians of Europe, Asia, Africa, and America.

This, it must be owned, is an arduous task; — but my title page is already printed, and I cannot deviate from it; but before I begin, I make this solemn protestation, that if any of the writers of our weekly political papers, either com­posed of a sheet and a half, to avoid the [Page 32] payment of duty, — or in the form of a journal, whereby a whole week's news is, besides a political essay, sucked in at the easy charge of two-pence half-penny, — or in the shape of a chronicle, where piracies do manifestly abound: — I say, if any printers, publishers, editors, com­pilers, writers, authors, — whether garet­teers, first floorers, house keepers, cha­riot-keepers, shop-keepers, stall-keepers, or cellar-keepers — hawkers, and chap­men, do, in manifest opposition to this my will, dare to borrow, rob, steal, quote, cite, mention, hint —(except in my own genteel advertisement) from, of, or that —— there is such a book in esse as this present volume — I hereby declare so­lemnly — I believe I shall prosecute them; — and that I certainly will never give them, or either of them, respective­ly, a good introductory letter, or essay, [Page 33] or so much as a paragraph, or hint, con­cerning such things as no one else can be acquainted with but myself, — those are my ideas: nay, I furthermore declare, — I will never read, peruse, run-over, or look upon, in any light whatever, their papers, &c. &c. &c. respectively; — but give my opinion — which goes a great way (with myself) right or wrong, — and damn them all.

N. B. Every part of this, and these foregoing chapters, extends to all the magazines (which I did intend to allot a chapter to enumerate) as well as the reviews, — without they make very fa­vourable mention of me, and this my elaborate work.

CHAP. XIV.

A Politician is truly an amphibious animal, — and in England he is more inclined to the herring than the mon­key; — it is quite otherwise in France, where it is more requisite for a professed politicans to have learnt to dance, than to have read Machiavel, for his arguments are better enforced by a caper, — a pas grave, or a baloné, than by the most Syl­logistic logic of all the schools, Un poli­tique de Paris, (that is, a Paris politician) enters a coffee room with a pas de passe pié, makes three entrechae at the front looking-glass, goes up to the group, tells them, with a significant air, ‘"nous F——ns bien le tour aux Anglois cette campaigne — ces fiers insulaires sauront, bien tôt faire respect au genie [Page 35] militaire de la France,"’ ^*—he cuts two capers and retires, whilst the multitude are admiring his profound knowledge of the interest of princes, and every one agrees, that ‘"Monsieur a bien raison," "the orator was quite in the right."’

CHAP. XV.

IN England, every coffee-house has its president, who harrangues the circle that catch his opinions, and support them in their different districts. —— ‘"Why, Sir, I repeat it, what have we to do with continental connections? — Are not our ships, our floating bulwarks, [Page 36] our only protection? — Could the king of —, in return for all the assistance we have given him, have made such a diversion as the brave captain Elliot did, in St. George's chan­nel?"’ I say, Sir, would all the german princes put together, have defeated Thu­rot? ‘" Is not our trade, and our navi­gation, the subject of this war, — and what is our navigation to the inland parts of Germany?—trifling,—I repeat it very trifling. And yet neglect the herring fishery, — that Peruvian sea-mine! and scarce pay any attention to those ela­borate and well digested schemes of the great Henriques!"’ —— The learn­ed, deep sighted, clear witted, eloquent president of ——— coffee-house, after having made this popular and sagacious harrangue — laid hold of my worthy friend Mr. Tristram Shandy, — ‘"Here, (says he) here is the man after my [Page 37] own heart, — whose political notions are as clear and self-evident as my own. — There is the touchstone of public measures, — the whetstone of trade and navigation, and the grind-stone of malversation."’

CHAP. XVI.

SOME of my incomprehensible rea­ders may be greatly surprized, at find­ing themselves got into such unexpected good company and being conveyed, even without a passport (whilst we are in the midst of a war with France) from London to Paris, there dip into a political conver­sation with one of their greatest politici­ans; got back safe to England, without being put into the Bastile, for dissenting with him in his political opinions, and [Page 38] holding French faith, French generals, French admirals, as well as French minis­ers, in the highest contempt; then transported into one of our most oratorial coffee-houses, and become auditors to a second Cicero, and a third Demosthenes.

All this shall be explained to you in a few words. — It was necessary — how else could I have illustrated my assertion, that a politician is an amphibious animal?— How else could I have demonstrated, that he has more of the monkey in him in France, and more of the herring in him in England? As to the Parisian, we dropt him a chapter or two ago, but we have not yet done with Cicero or Demos­thenes (which ever you please to call him.) You shall have some more conversation with him presently; and take my word for it, he is, abstracted from oratory, a very shrewd, sensible fellow, and accord­ing [Page 39] to the common saying, ‘"sees as far into a mill-stone as another man."’

CHAP. XVII.

IT may be necessary to inform some of my readers, that we are not yet got out of ——— coffee-house, in ——— street:—No—here we are yet, as atten­tive as ever to Mr. Profound, (that is the gentleman's name in the black full bot­tom wig, and the green spectacles) who has by this time thrown down a dish of coffee in enforcing his argument upon the touch-stones, whet-stones, and grind-stones; taken two pinches of snuff, and opened Tristram Shandy exactly at page 135.

[Page 40] ‘"Was I an absolute prince, he would say, pulling up his breeches with both his hands, as he rose from his arm chair, I would appoint able judges at every avenue of my metropolis, who should take cognizance of every fools business who came there,—and if, up­on a fair and candid hearing, it ap­peared not of weight sufficient to leave his own home and come up, bag and baggage, with his wife and children, farmers sons, &c. &c. at his back, they should all be sent back, from constable to constable, like vagrants as they were, to the place of their le­gal settlements. By this means I shall take care that my metropolis tottered not through its own weight, that the head be no longer too big for the body; that the extremes now wasted, and pin'd in, be restored to their due [Page 41] share of nourishment, and regain with it their natural strength and beauty: —I would effectually provide that the meadows and corn fields of my domi­nions skould laugh and sing."’ Oh excellent metaphor, cried Mr. Pro­found, (in extasy) worthy of the great pen from whence it flows! —— ‘"That good chear and hospitality flourish once more; — and that such weight and influence be put thereby into the hands of the squirality of my king­dom, as should counterpoise what I perceive my nobility are now taking from them."’ Great—Great Tristram! — and see how elegantly he illustrates this immediately after.

‘"Why are there so few palaces and gentlemens seats, he would ask, with some emotion, as he walked across [Page 42] the room, throughout so many delici­ous provinces in France? whence is it that the few remaining chateaus a­mongst them are so dismantled, so un­furnished, and in so ruinous and deso­late a condition? — Because, Sir, he would say, in that kingdom no man has any country interest to support;— the little interest of any kind, which any man has any where in it, is con­centrated in the court, and the looks of the grand monarch, by the sun­shine of whose countenance, or the clouds, which pass acro [...]s it, every French man lives or dies."’

Here Mr. Profound made a pause, after which — he addressed himself to us —Well, gentlemen, what do you think of this great political writer—you may talk of your Machiavel's, and your Som­mers's, [Page 43] and your Burnet's — But what are they when compared to him: how clearly he states the case when he has a mind for it, and then again when he chuses to screen himself in a kind of pa­rable, how elegantly he does it. ‘"Ano­ther political reason (says Tristram) prompted my father so strongly to guard against the least evil accident in my mother's lying-in in the coun­try, — was, That any such instance would infallibly throw a balance of power, too great already, into the weaker vessels of the gentry, in his own or higher stations;—which, with the many usurped rights which that part of the constitution was hourly establishing,—would, in the end, prove fatal to the monarchical system of do­mestic government established in the first creation of things by God."’

[Page 44]What can he mean here, (resumed Mr. Profound) but pecuniary influence in elections, particularly in boroughs? and yet there is not one in a hundred takes it in that sense. I tell you, gen­tlemen, Tristram Shandy is one compleat system of modern politics, and that to understand him, there is as much occa­sion for a key, as there is for a catalogue to the Harleian library: I own, that I should not myself have penetrated so far as I have, notwithstanding my great reading in works of this nature, if I had not had the opportunity of supping the other evening with the author, who let me into the whole affair. I advised him to publish a key, but he told me it was too dangerous.——What is the Siege of Namur, which he often mentions, but the Siege of Fort St. Philip's in Mi­norca? [Page 45] — or, the wound his uncle Toby received there but the distress the nation was thrown into thereupon? His appli­cation to the study of fortification, and the knowledge he therein gained, means nothing else but the rectitude and clear sightedness of the administration which afterwards took up the reins of govern­ment. This is a master piece of allego­ry, beyond all the poets of this or any pe­riod whatever. There is but one fault to be found with Mr. Tristram Shandy as a politician—that is making Yorick's horse so lean—but then he is armed at all points —I think too he should have told us the horse was white, to have made the sym­bolical application: — but he did not dare declare himself so openly upon this head—he told me so. Gentlemen, (con­tinued he) I will only read to you one passage more, and leave you to make [Page 46] your remarks— ‘"In a word, he would say, error was error, no matter where it fell, whether in a fraction or a pound—'twas alike fatal to truth, and she was kept down at the bottom of her well as inevitably by a mistake in the dust of a butterfly's wing—as in the disk of the sun, the moon, and all the stars of heaven put together.— He would often lament that it was for want of considering this properly; and of applying it skilfully to civil matters, as well as to speculative truths, that so many things in this world were;—that the political arch was giving way,"’ (do you observe, gentlemen, how forcibly he speaks here) ‘and that the very foundation of our excellent constitution in church and state were so sapped as estimators re­ported."’

CHAP. XVIII.

WHEN Mr. Profound had got thus far, a fit of coughing took him, which I was apprehensive would very near have carried him off, — I wait­ed with great patience near a quarter of an hour till he had recovered himself, in expectation of having gained from him an explanation of this passage, which he certainly would have given, notwith­standing he told us in the beginning he would leave us to our own reflecti­—ons; but how unluckily mortifying was it, both for you and me, readers, that after the fit left him, there was not a sufficient number of auditors re­maining to form a committee, and Mr. Profound went away as much out of temper with his cough as with his com­pany. [Page 48] I have regularly attended the house for above a fortnight past, in ex­pectation of meeting him, when (tears speak my grief!) I yesterday learned he died the night before — and all my hopes of an explanation of this passage are at an end.

I propose erecting here a monument to the memory of Profound, in the same manner as Tristram has to that of Yorick.

I have just received the mortifying news, that my printer has never a black [Page 49] copper-plate to subjoin; but I have de­sired him to borrow Tristram's of his printer, and if he will but lend it, you may depend upon being as well amused and enlightened here, as you were in read­ing the seventy third and seven fourth pages of the 1st volume of Tristram Shandy.

CHAP. XIX.

I Told you, incomprehensible readers (you know your number by this time) what a clever fellow Profound was, so that I hope you did not lose a word that he said; but if you think that there was only a single syllable that you did not attend to, I insist upon your returning back to the three preceding chapters, as you will swear, else, I have not ful­filled the promise of my title page, ‘"ex­plaining [Page 50] the politics of Tristram,"’ which can be done no other way, than in the words of my deceased friend. Friend! did I say? Yes, I repeat it, a great friend! and what is more and difficult to believe, a political friend! who has en­abled me to throw such light upon our author, and clear the understandings of seven hundred and fifty incomprehensible readers.

CHAP. XX.

THUS much for Mr. Tristram Shandy's politics.

CHAP. XXI.

SOME of the most comprehensible of my readers must have observed, that I have scattered very little Greek and Latin about this work, and that I have even made shift with an English motto, notwithstanding a classical one is so essen­tial to the well understanding and recom­mending a book, even though of this consequence. —To be honest, I must own, that none of the family of the Ku­nastrokius's were any great Grecians, — and, as to Latin, I always found it a very saleable commodity at the physical-market. But if any of my readers should be desirous to divert themselves with a Greek or Latin quotation, I would ad­vise them to read me with Homer, Hero­dotus, Virgil, Horace, and a few more of [Page 52] the classics by their sides, and if they un­derstand them, not else, — they have no­thing to do, but now and then dip into one or other of them, and please them­selves, and save me a great deal of un­necessary trouble.

CHAP. XXII.

THIS chapter is intirely upon pro­priety, and must, therefore, of course, (with or without a pun) be a very proper chapter.

Digressions are the soul of a work, as Mr. Tristram Shandy has very judiciously discovered, and he has as tenaciously ad­hered to this discovery; — wherefore, he may, with the greatest propriety, be stiled the king of episodical writers.

[Page 53]As to absurdities, it is absurd to sup­pose, there can be any in a work of hu­mour, — true humour I mean. — I ap­peal to all and every one of my incompre­hensible readers, if there be any absurdity in the work now before them: — I will answer for you all in one word — none. In regard to my friend Tristram, what are generally reckoned absurdities in him, are his greatest beauties — Though he ridicules plates and cuts by a ridiculous stamp, may he not, with great propriety prefix a frontispiece to his second edi­tion? — Every one must own, that a frontispiece, when executed by a master­ly hand, is an embellishment to a work; — and who can be so out of the way, as to find fault with an embellishment, which evidently inhances the value of the production?

[Page 54]Again, with respect to dedications.— Though that in the middle of his first volume certainly means (if any thing) a burlesque upon dedications of what na­ture so ever, yet we find in his second edition, he has dedicated this moral-po­litical (not bawdy, ludicrous, as some may imagine it) piece, to one of the most re­spectable characters in England. — But who can take offence at it?

What I have said in this chapter con­cerning Mr. Tristram Shandy's propriety, sets some of the mistaken errors of that work in the clearest points of light, in which my readers (incomprehensible as they are) must certainly view them.

CHAP. XXIII.

LIKE most other writers, when I have nothing more to say, I draw near a conclusion; but as it is necessary, for several reasons which I could explain if I chose (but not having promised it in my title page I am not compelled to it,) to eke out another chapter, I must say something, if it be only to contradict what I have hitherto said;—but this I shall not do, and so continue as follows:

If, after all, I have not sufficiently cleared my friend Tristram Shandy, from any attacks of the false critics, for want of morals, or for any small heresy in po­litics: — no part of this can be laid to his charge, — as he was then unborn, as he still remains, in a literal sense.

[Page 56]But to wave all considerations of this nature, my readers, as incomprehensible as they are, must have perceived e'er now, that Tristram Shandy is the most ex­cellent (I was going to say — est, by way of a superlative superlative, suitable to the occasion) piece that has appeared for many years; besides, according to Hu­bras,——

— The worth of every thing, Is just as much as it will bring, — and this is the dearest production to the bookseller, if not to the public, that has appeared for near half a centry.