'TIS impossible perhaps for the best and wisest amongst us, to keep so constant a Guard upon our Temper, but that we may at one Time or other lie open to the Strokes of Fortune, and such Incidents as we cannot foresee. With Sentiments of this Kind I came Home to my Lodgings last Night, much fatigued with a long and sudden Journey from the Country, and full of the ungrateful Occa­sion of it. 'Twas natural for me to have im­mediate Recourse to my Pen and Ink; but be­fore I would offer to make Use of them, I re­solv'd deliberately to tell over a Hundred, and when I came to the End of that Sum, I found it more advisable to defer drawing up my in­tended Remonstrance, till I had slept soundly on my Resentments. Without any other Pre­face [Page 2] than this, I shall give the World a fair Account of the Treatment I have lately met with, and leave them to judge, whether the Uneasiness I have suffer'd be inconsistent with the Character I have generally pretended to. About Three Weeks since, I receiv'd an Invita­tion from a Kinsman in Staffordshire, to spend my Christmas in those Parts. Upon taking Leave of Mr. Morphew, I put as many Papers into his Hands as would serve till my Return and charg'd him at parting, to be very punctual with the Town. In what Manner he and Mr. Lillie have been tamper'd with since, I can­not say, they have given me my Revenge, if I desired any, by allowing their Names to an idle Paper, that in all humane Probability, cannot live a Fortnight to an End. My self, and the Family I was with, were in the Midst of Gaie­ty, and a plentiful Entertainment, when I re­ceiv'd a Letter from my Sister Jenny, who, af­ter mentioning some little Affairs I had intru­sted to her, goes on thus: ‘"The inclos'd, I be­lieve, will give you some Surprize, as it has al­ready astonish'd every Body here: Who Mr. Steele is, that subscribes it, I don't know, any more than I can comprehend what could induce him to it. Morphew and Lillie, I am told, are both in the Secret. I shall not presume to instruct you, but hope you will use some Means to dis­appoint the ill Nature of those who are taking Pains to deprive the World of one of its most reasonable Entertainments. I am, &c."’

I am to thank my Sister for her Compliment; but be that as it will, I shall not easily be discourag'd from my former Undertaking [...] In Pursuance of it, I was obliged upon this Notice to take Places in the Coach for my self and my Maid with the utmost Expedition, lest I should, in a short Time, be rallied out of my Existence, as some People will needs fancy [Page 3] Mr. Partridge has been, and the real Isaac Bic­kerstaff have passed for a Creature of Mr. Steele's Imagination. This Illusion might have hoped for some tolerable Success, if I had not more than once produced my Person in a crowded Theatre; and such a Person as Mr. Steele, if I am not misinformed in the Gentleman, would hardly think it an Advantage to own, though I should throw him in all the little Honour I have gained by my Lucubrations. I may be al­lowed, perhaps, to understand Pleasantry as well as other Men, and can (in the usual Phrase) take a Jest without being angry; but I appeal to the World, whether the Gentleman has not carried it too far, and whether he ought not to make a publick Recantation, if the Cre­dulity of some unthinking People should force me to insist upon it. The following Letter is just come to Hand, and I think it not improper to be inserted in this Paper.

I Remember Menage tells a Story of Monsieur Racan, who had appointed a Day and Hour to meet a certain Lady of great Wit whom he had never seen, in order to make an Acquaintance between them. ‘'Two of Racan's Friends, who had heard of the Appointment resolved to play him a Trick. The first went to the Lady two Hours before the Time, said his Name was Racan, and talk'd with her an Hour; they were both mightily pleased, began a great Friendship, and parted with much Satisfaction. A few Minutes after comes the Second, and sends up the same Name; the Lady wonders at the Meaning, and tells him, Mr. Racan had just left her. The Gentleman says it was some ras­cally Impostor, and that he had been frequent­ly us'd in that Manner. The Lady is convinc'd, and they laugh at the Oddness of the Adven­tures. She now calls to Mind several Passages which confirms her that the former was a Cheat. He appoints a Second Meeting, and takes his Leave. He was no sooner gone, but the true Racan comes to the Door, and desires, under that Name, to see the Lady. She was [Page 6] out of all Patience, sends for him up, rates him for an Impostor, and, after a Thousand Inju­ries, flings a Slipper at his Head. It was im­possible to pacify or disabuse her; he was for­ced to retire, and it was not without some Time, and the Intervention of Friends, that they could come to an Eclaircisement."’ This, as I take it, is exactly the Case with Mr. S—le, the pretended TATLER from Morphew, and my self, only (I presume) the World will be sooner undeceiv'd than the Lady in M [...]nage. The very Day my last Paper came out, my Printer brought me another of the same Date, call'd the TAT­LER, by Isaac Bickerstaff Esq and, which was still more pleasant, with an Advertisement at the End, calling me the Female TATLER: It is not enough to rob me of my Name, but now they must impose a Sex on me, when my Years have long since determin'd me to be of none at all. There is only one Thing wanting in the Opera­tion, that they would renew my Age, and then I will heartily forgive them all the rest. In the mean Time, whatever Uneasiness I have suffer'd from the little Malice of these Men, and my Re­tirement in the Country, the Pleasures I have re­ceiv'd from the same Occasion, will fairly bal­lance the Account. On the one Hand I have been highly delighted to see my Name and Character assumed by the Scribblers of the Age, in order to recommend themselves to it; and on the other, to observe the good Taste of the Town, in di­stinguishing and exploding them through every Disguise, and sacrificing their Trifles to the sup­posed Manes of Isaac Bickerstaff Esquire. But the greatest Merit of my Journey into Staffordshire, is, that it has open'd to me a new Fund of unre­prov'd Follies and Errors that have hitherto lain out of my View, and, by their Situation, escap'd my Censure. For, as I have liv'd generally in Town, the Images I had of the Country were [Page 7] such only as my Senses receiv'd very early, and my Memory has since preserv'd with all the Ad­vantages they first appear'd in.

Hence it was that I thought our Parish-Church the noblest Structure in England, and the 'Squire's Place-House, as we call'd it, a most magnificent Palace. I had the same Opinion of the Alms-House in the Church-yard, and of a Bridge over the Brook that parts our Parish from the next. 'Twas the common Vogue of our School, That the Master was the best Scholar in Europe, and the Usher the Second. Not happening to correct these Notions by comparing them with what I saw when I came into the World, upon return­ing back, I began to resume my former Imagi­nations, and expected all Things should appear in the same View as I left them when I was a Boy: But to my utter Disappointment I found them wonderfully shrunk, and lessen'd almost out of my Knowledge. I look'd with Contempt on the Tribes painted on the Church Walls, which I once so much admired, and on the carv'd Chimney-Piece in the 'Squire's Hall. I found my old Master to be a poor ignorant Pedant; and, in short, the whole Scene to be extreamly chang'd for the worse. This I could not help mention­ing, because though it be of no Consequence in it self, yet 'tis certain, that most Prejudices are contracted and retained by this narrow Way of Thinking, which in Matters of the greatest Mo­ment are hardly shook off; and which we only think true, because we were made to believe so, before we were capable to distinguish between Truth and Falshood. But there was one Prepos­session which I confess to have parted with, much to my Regret: I mean the Opinion of that na­tive Honesty and Simplicity of Manners which I had always imagin'd to be inherent in Country People. I soon observ'd it was with them and us, as they say of Animals; That every Species [Page 8] at Land, has one to resemble it at Sea; for 'twas easy to discover the Seeds and Principles of every Vice and Folly that one meets with in the more known World, though shooting up in different Forms. I took a Fancy out of the several Inha­bitants round, to furnish the Camp; the Bar, and the Exchange, and some certain Chocolate and Coffee-houses, with exact Parallels to what, in many Instances, they already produce. There was a drunken quarrelsome Smith, whom I have a hundred Times fancied at the Head of a Troop of Dragoons. A Weaver, within two Doors of my Kinsman, was perpetually setting Neighbours together by the Ears. I lamented to see how his Talents were misplac'd, and imagin'd what a Fi­gure he might make in Westminster-hall. Good­man Crop of Compton-Farm, wants nothing but a Plumb and a Gold-Chain to qualify him for the Government of the City. My Kinsman's Stable-Boy was a gibbing Companion that would always have his Jest. He would often put Cow-itch in the Maids Bed, pull Stools from under Folks, and lay a Coal upon their Shoes when they were a­sleep. He was at last turn'd off for some notable Piece of Roguery, and when I came away, was loitering among the Ale-houses. Bless me, thought I, what a prodigious Wit would this have been with us! I could have match'd all the Sharpers between St. James's and Covent-Garden, with a notable Fellow in the same Neighbour­hood, (since hang'd for picking Pockets at Fairs) could he have had the Advantages of their Edu­cation. So nearly are the Corruptions of the Country ally'd to those of the Town, with no further Difference than what is made by another Turn of Thought and Method of Living.

Many more Grievances, though not of equal Importance, have been laid before me from seve­ral Parts of this Kingdom, which, as they fall not under any ones Cognizance so properly as [Page 9] my own, oblige me to a speedy and effectual Re­gulation of them. When I was prevail'd upon to, act as Censor of Great Britain, I did not enough, consider the Extent of that Province, nor how, difficult it would be to make my Authority un­derstood in the remoter Parts of this Island; for most of the Natives being Strangers to Litera­ture, I cannot hope my Lucubrations should meet with a general Reception amongst them; and therefore I have now resolved on an Expe­dient, which I shall explain by the following Or­der.

This Day the Case of John Morphew came on: He was indicted for having made many scanda­lous Reflections on the Censor, as likewise for Breach of Trust; and being found guilty of the same, was sentenc'd to continue printing Sham-Tatlers, and one or two more such Papers. Six other Causes were heard afterwards, which 'tis not thought proper to make publick, many noble Persons, yet alive, being concern'd therein.

WHen I left the Town, as I said before, I did not only make a sufficient Provision for the Continuance of my Lucubrations, till the Time I had fix'd for my Return, but took Care to substitute one, who in case my Stay should happen to be longer than I design'd, would much better have furnished out the usual Entertain­ment the Publick expected from me. Sam Trusty, of whom I made Mention in a former Paper, was the Person I pitched upon to execute that Of­fice. Fifty Years and upwards we have liv'd in so strict an Intimacy, in so perfect an Union, that neither Times, Interest, Passions nor Opinions, have ever been able to make the least Flaw in our Friendship. I am not ashamed to own I have received more Advantage from his Conver­sation, than from all the Academick Exercises; 'tis to his Instructions I owe the Improvement of my Understanding, to his Precepts and Example the forming of my Manners; and to his Obser­vations, the principal Remarks I have made up­on the several States and Conditions of Mankind. As his Genius at our first setting out in the World, was much above mine, so he has ever since maintained the same Superiority. His Words were always few, his Arguments weighty, his Reflections just, his Intentions sincere, and his Connexions were mixed with such an agreeable Mirth, that I have often taken Pleasure in put­ting my self in the Wrong, on purpose to excite him to so delightful a Reproof. A' sudden Indis­position [Page 12] defeated me of his Assistance, and has exposed me to the Difficulties I have been under in reinstating my self in my former Authority. However, that he designed to serve me effectual­ly, will appear by the ensuing Discourse, which he intended to publish the Day after my Depar­ture; where in his ludicrous Way he has pursued the Directions I left him, as he takes Notice himself in his Introduction. I was unwilling the World should be deprived of one Line of his Writing, and consequently could not well omit what the Excess of his Affection prompted him to say in my Favour, and which is perhaps the only Instance that can be given of his Partia­lity.

My very good Friend Isaac Bickerstaff, being indispensably obliged to visit some Relations in the Country these Holy-Days: That there may be no Interruption of Justice in his Absence, has deputed me to officiate for him till his Return; and his last Instructions were, to have a particu­lar Regard to the Interest of the Fair Sex, of which he has all along shewn himself a profess'd and constant Admirer. I am sensible how un­equal my Talents are for so important a Task, nor are our different Sentiments upon that Sub­ject a less Obstruction to the Performance of what he has enjoin'd me, than my Want of Abi­lities to fill the Place of so worthy and great a Person. But to proceed to the Business in Hand.

What remains to be spoken of, is, Her immode­rate Love of Wine; nor will she be less clear in this, than in all the rest. ‘ Jenny has a voluble Tongue, and loves to exercise it, that I cannot but own she often talks her self into a Heat, and that causes Thirst; sometimes by an Ab­sence of Mind, pretty incident to her, she will call for Glass after Glass, without remembring, she drank but the Minute before. Now, this may prove she has a short Memory indeed; but how to infer the Love of Wine from hence, I cannot see. The Mistake however is easy to be accounted for. The Negligence of her Dress, her fluster'd Complexion, her great Loquacity sometimes, and her incoherent Answers to o­thers, when her Thoughts are wandering, often concur to make her look as if she were actually in Drink: But is this an equitable Way of Judg­ing? If once we suffer our selves to be imposed on by Appearances, farewel all Hopes of having Truth established among us in our Generation.’

Before I dismiss this Subject, I cannot but ex­press a sincere Concern for a Multitude of injur'd Women who have suffered in their Characters, for want of a Champion to defend their Cause; and I will take upon me to affirm, as much might have been said for a Hundred about this Town who have been basely abused, as I have done for Jenny Filch. But I refer their Justification to my Friend Isaac, to whom that Province does most properly belong.

LEaning out of my Window this Morning, I observ'd a Young Gentleman pass under it, whose Face I was sure to have seen, but could not presently recollect his Name. The Oddness of his Figure help'd to disguise him; for, though otherwise decent enough, he had a Napkin-Cap on his Head; and at the same Time, by the Neg­ligence of his Air, gave one to understand, that he thought himself dress'd for the whole Day. In this Manner he walk'd on to the End of our Lane, then turn'd short upon his Heel, and hurry'd back again with the utmost Precipitation. By this Time I had made a shift to remember, that this was the same Young Gentleman whom I formerly made Mention of, in order to recommend a Play of his to the World. There was Merit enough in that Performance to make me a Well-wisher to the Author, and as much Wit as might make him ca­pable of an odd Turn in his Understanding.

I was sorry to see him thus expos'd, and bec­kon'd him up to me; he came in great Confusion, and without giving me Time to ask any Que­stions, told me, he was particularly asham'd to be seen by a Man of my Character, in so heedless a Way, that indeed he had come out in some hast, and forg [...]t his Hat and Perriwig. By his aukward Man­ner of excusing himself, I soon found the Cause of his Disorder; that it was purely Artificial, and [Page 19] lay rather in his Heart than his Head. 'Twas with great Indignation I heard his Apology, and had not I been strongly prejudic'd in the young Man's behalf, I should hardly have afforded him the Fa­vour of a Rebuke. After some Enquiry, I found by him, that this Inadvertency had cost him much Pains and Industry to acquire, and that by long Use, it was now improv'd into a Habit.

He freely own'd, that this was a Method he had often took to distinguish and recommend himself as a Wit, and that he had hitherto met with good Success. I was a little pacify'd with the Frankness of this Confession, and encourag'd him to proceed in it.— ‘'To tell you the Truth, Sir, says he, I was led into this Error ve­ry young, and the Occasion of it perhaps may give you Diversion. 'Twas a Custom at the Great School where I was bred, frequently to call over the Names of the Boys, in the Presence of the Master. This happen'd one Day, just af­ter the Publick Prayers were over, and when it came to my Turn to say Adsum, through Mi­stake I answer'd, Amen. Would you believe, Sir, that from this very Moment I came imme­diately into Vogue? I was cry'd up for a Boy of great Parts, and of a wild, but extraordinary Ge­nius. As I grew more careless, I was still more admir'd, and by a Thousand little premeditated Blunders. I at last establish'd a Reputation. When I came to the University, I expected to be laugh'd out of my Fooleries; but instead of that, I was every Day more confirm'd in them. There was hardly a Man of Distinction, but was, as they call it in the University Cant, a Sh [...]t and a Rattle. To be a very great Sloven in Dress, was some Degree of Merit, and I par­ticularly remember one of the Beaux Esprits, that valued himself upon being the dirtiest Fel­low that ever writ a good Line. 'Twas a Mat­ter of Emulation amongst us, whose Rooms [Page 20] should be worst furnish'd, and lie in the greatest Disorder, so that with a little wresting of the Sense, we might have writ over our Doors, — Hic vivimus ambitiosa Paupertate. — Harry Heedless, whose Works you may have heard of, has lately taken an Allegorical Inven­tory of his Goods, in Heroic Verse; suffer me, Sir, to put it into your Hands, and to beg a Place for it in your next Lucubrations."’ Here the young Gentleman took his Leave, and thank'd me for my Friendship, with an Air of Sincerity that could not be dissembled. His Readiness to understand his Error, and his Resolution to re­form it, have indeed convinc'd me, that in Mat­ters of this Kind, a Man of great Parts may re­peat more in half an Hour, than one of ordinary Capacity can in many Years. But I must not omit the Verses.

[Page 21] I cannot help adding a Word or Two upon this Humour of setting up for a Wit, by personating a different Conduct from others, in the Common Actions of Life. The rather, because within the Compass of my own Observation, it has depriv'd the World of many useful Persons, and eclips'd many valuable Qualifications. It has certainly been the Misfortune of several Great Men, to have had something singular in their Gate, their Diet, and even in their Conversation it self. They who have follow'd the profounder Studies, appear of­ten to have their thoughts distracted, as 'tis par­ticularly observ'd of Mathematicians, their Minds being so steddily fix'd, that they cannot easily un­bend them.

Hence it is that others, imagining the Merit lies in the Singularity, are glad to find it so easie a Matter to distinguish themselves; the Desire of doing which I take to be the Root of all Affecta­tion. To say Truth, the Men of Wit have, na­turally, their Share in these Imperfections. For as more severe Studies require a very close Appli­cation, theirs perhaps ingage it too little, and their Spirits are too volatile to give a long and constant Attention. This Absence of theirs, if I may so speak, my Cousin Humphry calls a Tax upon great Genius's, and says, he thinks it a Happiness, when a Man of eminent Parts has nothing Particular to be known by, ei­ther when he walks the Street, or appears in Company. For which Reason, in talking over the Characters of Ingenious Men, I am frequently offended to hear People dwell upon some odd Circumstances in their Behaviour. A certain Au­thor about Town is much celebrated for writing all his Works upon Backs of Letters, and Scraps of Paper. Another writ the best Part of his Poem upon old Cards, and had like to have lost Ten of the finest Lines in it, upon an Ace of Dia­monds, which he had unluckily misplac'd. A [Page 22] Third, of Immortal Memory, was wont to lie in his Perriwig, and caught a Cold that destroy'd him, by washing his Hands. These and many other Singularities observable in Men of extraor­dinary Talents, might, for ought one knows, be natural to them. But when Papilio studies for In­coherent Answers to every Question that is ask'd him, and makes Appointments on purpose to for­get them; 'tis a Question amongst the Curious, Whether the Humour be natural or affected? I think it the most favourable Opinion, that there is a Mixture of both. I have often with great Pleasure considered the Character of my Friend Urbanus, whose great Wit and Learning are in­deed accompanied with Singularities, such as are altogether Natural, but will, I doubt, meet with few Imitators: I mean his excessive Candor, Mo­desty and good Nature. The Affectation of these Qualities would sufficiently distinguish any one that would be at the Pains to transcribe them, and the Consequences of it would be of Service to the World. But to copy the Infirmities only of Great Men, and to quote their Example in our Defence, is making Precedents of them, where they least desire to be so, and perverting their Authority to give a Sanction to Folly.

AMongst other Severities I have met with from some Criticks, the cruelest for an Old Man is, that they will not let me be at quiet in my Bed, but pursue me to my very Dreams. I [Page 23] must not dream but when they please, nor upon long continued Subjects, however Visionary in their own Natures; because there is a manifest Moral quite thro' them, which to produce as a Dream is improbable and unnatural. The Pain I might have had from this Objection, is prevented by considering they have missed another, against which I should have been at a Loss to defend my self. They should have ask'd me whether the Dreams I publish can properly be call'd Lucubra­tions, which is the Name I have given to all my Papers, whether in Volumes or Half-sheets: So manifest a Contradiction in Terminis, that I won­der no Sophister ever thought of it: But the o­ther is a Cavil. I remember when I was a Boy at School, I have often dream'd out the whole Passages of a Day; that I rode a Journey, bai­ted, supp'd, went to Bed, and rose the next Morning; and I have known young Ladies who would dream a whole Contexture of Adventures in one Night large enough to make a Novel. In Youth the Imagination is strong, not mix'd with Cares, nor tinged with those Passions that most disturb and confound it, such as Avarice, Ambi­tion, and many others. Now as old Men are said to grow Children again, so in this Article of Dreaming, I am returned to my Childhood. My Imagination is at full Ease, without Care, Ava­rice, or Ambition to clog it, by which, among ma­ny others, I have this Advantage of doubling the small Remainder of my Time, and living Four and Twenty Hours in the Day. However, the Dream I am now going to relate, is as wild as can well be imagined, and to please these Re­finers upon Sleep, without any Moral that I can discover. ‘It happen'd that my Maid left on the Table in my Bed-Chamber, one of her Story-Books (as she calls them) which I took up, and found full of strange Impertinences, fitted to her Tast and [Page 24] Condition; of Poor Servants that came to be Ladies, and Serving-Men of low Degree, who married Kings Daughters. Among other Things I met this Sage Observation, that a Lion would never hurt a true Virgin: With this Medly of Nonsense in my Fancy I went to Bed, and dream'd that a Friend waked me in the Mor­ning, and proposed for Pastime to spend a few Hours in seeing the Parish-Lions, which he had not done since he came to Town; and because they show'd but once a Week, he would not miss the Opportunity. I said I would humour him; tho', to speak the Truth, I was not fond of those cruel Spectacles, and if it were not so ancient a Custom, founded, as I had heard, upon the wisest Maxims, I should be apt to cen­sure the Inhumanity of those who introduced it. All this will be a Riddle to the waking Reader, till I discover the Scene my Imagination had formed upon the Maxim, that a Lion would ne­ver hurt a true Virgin. I dream'd, that by a Law of Immemorial Time a He-Lion was kept in every Parish at the common Charge, and in a Place provided, adjoining to the Church-yard; That, before any one of the Fair Sex was married, if she affirmed her self to be a Virgin, she must on her Wed­ding-Day, and in her Wedding-Cloaths, per­form the Ceremony of going alone into the Den, and stay an Hour with the Lion let loose, and kept fasting Four and Twenty Hours on purpose. At a proper Height, above the Den, were convenient Galleries for the Relations and Friends of the Young Couple, and open to all Spectators. No Maiden was forced to offer her self to the Lion; but if she refused, it was a Disgrace to marry her, and every one might have Liberty of calling her a Whore. And me­thought it was as usual a Diversion to see the Parish-Lions, as with us to go to a Play or an [Page 25] Opera. And it was reckoned convenient to be near the Church, either for marrying the Vir­gin if she escaped the Trial, or for burying the Bones when the Lion had devoured the rest, as he constantly did.’

To go on therefore with the Dream:

I Have ever professed my self an Admirer of the Virtuous, and the valuable Part of the Fair Sex. I have asserted their Privileges, exte­nuated their Failings, and extoll'd their good Qualities. What more can be expected from a Man of my Years? To sooth them in their Fol­lies, or suffer them in their Vices, were doing my self no Pleasure, and them the greatest Disservice imaginable. This may be some Apology for my last Paper, which I should not have apprehended to need any, but that the very Evening after it was publish'd, I receiv'd the following Letter.

I am to understand by this, that both Sexes are up in Arms against me, and that the Sig­nior is inclin'd strictly to observe a Venetian Neu­trality.

To comfort me under this Misfortune, the same Post brought me the Appearance of a Com­pliment; tho' to say Truth, I don't know how far to depend upon it.

Thus, as I before hinted, the best Part of my Time is set apart for the Service and true Interest of the Fair. Many sleepless Nights, and Days of Anxiety, they have cost me. Yet for all this, I do not find that I have any Degree of Interest in their Persons, or any Restraint upon their Con­duct. Not a Furbelow has been sunk, nor a Yard of Whalebone parted with, to oblige me. Even my most gentle Corrections and Penny-Post Inti­mations, have met with Neglect, Scorn and De­fiance. Bellaria is a provoking Instance of this Kind; it has in good Earnest stood me in Three-Pence to reform her, and I do not find that she is One Farthing the better for it. She is young, 'tis true, and may live to be wiser: As her Beau­ty goes off, Prudence perhaps will grow upon her; but to be discreet in the Height of her Charms, would be a much greater Merit. She knows the Faults I have charged her with, and must thank her self if she should hereafter [Page 33] oblige me to be more open and particular. Sempro­nia, with the same Aggravation, continues to be haughty, insolent, and unnatural. She is the Mo­ther of Five beautiful Children, the eldest not above Seven Years Old, whom she never speaks to, but with a Design to teize them, and uses worse than any Animals that belong to her. Go­ing to her Coach the other Day, she observ'd Two or Three of them diverting themselves in the Hall, and turning to her People, asked the Rea­son why those Brats lay litt'ring about the House. Miss Molly was severely whip'd within this Week, for calling her Mother behind her back; and Ma­ster Neddy taken from Table, for seeming only to want his Dinner before the Italian Greyhound had been fed.

I have met with a Case yet more extraordinary, and which has given me much Uneasiness; Tho' I cannot say of so Criminal a Nature as the latter. Taking a Turn in the Park about a Month since, I saw a Paper lie upon the Ground, which I had the Curiosity to stoop for, and found to be a Re­cipe.

I was very much surpris'd at so odd a Prescrip­tion, and having formerly had the Honour to know the Lady for whose Use it was intended, cou'd not help inquiring into the Occasion of it: [Page 34] With some Difficulty I inform'd my self, that Clorinda, whom all the World admir'd, was very lately displeas'd with her own Person. Some good natur'd Friend, it seems, had put it in her Head that she was growing too fat, and in a little Time wou'd be out of all Shape. This sufficiently a­larm'd her, and from a Gaiety of Temper, that was peculiar to her, she fell into Spleen, Vapours, and a Thousand imaginary Disquiets. There was no Absurdity so gross that her Fears did not im­pose upon her. As she pass'd the Streets in her Chair, she expected every Moment that the Fel­lows wou'd sink under their Burden, and wou'd often say to her self, Bless me, how the poor Crea­tures blow! My Lady Kill-Chairman's Shape was become the Object of her Envy, as it had former­ly been the Subject of her Ridicule. In short, a Consultation of the most eminent Physicians was resolv'd on, and a Course of Acids, Cum Regimi­ne, was, it seems, the Result of it. As soon as this came to my Knowledge, I sent Clorinda a Letter, full of such pressing Remonstrances, as the Occasion suggested to me. I conjur'd her with all the Tenderness of a Gallant, not to suffer so much Beauty to be lost to the World, by being over-curious to preserve it; nor that Bloom to wi­ther thro' an irreligious Mortification of her self.

After taking so much Pains, to see my Advice neglected, and other Measures pursu'd, has, I own, sensibly touch'd me, both as an old Man, and a graduate Physician. However, it is yet in the Power of Clorinda to retrieve what is pass'd: She has nothing more to do than to eat, drink, and sleep, to make her self again the Joy of her Friends, the Desire of Mankind; and what is yet greater, (without Vanity be it said) to be heartily forgiven by the Censor of Great Britain.

'TIS a common Mistake, tho' of very ill Consequence, that many Failings and In­firmities are too closely woven into our Constitu­tions ever to be removed by any Pains or Appli­cation of our own. Had I suffer'd my self to be­lieve this, I had been now one of the peevishest old Fellows, as I was formerly one of the most passionate Youths, in the World. Till the Age of Sixteen I was never in good Humour two Hours together. I thought my self affronted by every one I met, and grew into a Proverb for the Violence of my Resentments. I no sooner came to the Use of my Reason, but I began to cool a­pace, and have ever since preserved such an Even­ness of Temper as is not easily ruffled, and which, under the greatest Difficulties and Distresses, has made me superior to them all.

I remember one Thing of my self in the Days of my Minority that was pleasant enough: When­ever any Body had done me an ill Office, I used, in the Bitterness of my Heart, to wish my self Parson of the Parish for their Sake. He, I ob­served, had once a Week the Privilege of speak­ing [Page 36] his Mind in publick, and of telling his Pa­rishioners their own. This, I thought, was a mighty Relief to his Spleen, and indeed the Doctor made Use of it as if he had been of the same Opinion. He had a particular Felicity in finding out Texts to his Purpose, and no one Of­fence could be committed against him, that did not appear the next Sunday to be literally forbid­den in Scripture. The Top Gentleman in the Parish having one Day made him a Visit in a striped Night-Gown, he looked upon this Disha­bilee as a Mark of Contempt; and the very next Time the Pulpit was his own, giving a Side-Glance towards the 'Squire's Pew, he pronounced with a loud Voice, Stripes are for the Backs of Fools, &c. A poor Taylor had cabbaged some black Cloth that was put into his Hands, and the Text chosen for his Reprimand was, Hell and De­struction are before them; though towards the End of the Discourse it was allowed, that a Rem­nant should be saved.

This petulant Humour of prostituting a pub­lick Capacity to particular Resentments, is what I have industriously avoided throughout the whole Course of my Lucubrations. After the many Observations I have made upon humane Nature, it is, I confess, some Pleasure to com­municate them to the Publick in the Manner I have chose to do it: But, unless in Cases where my Reputation has been openly attacked, I have never once interested the World in any Disputes relating to my self. Every Body knows what Provocations Mr. Powell gave me, and in how crowded a Theatre, before I would descend to take any Notice of him. When I did, it was in such a Manner, I thought, as all Controversy ought to be managed between Scholars and Gen­tlemen. Mr. Morphew and Mr. Lillie obliged me to draw my Pen against them by a Piece of Ingra­titude [Page 37] that is hardly to be matched in History. I had always treated those Persons with a Respect due to their Characters, and as our Interests were mutual, I flattered my self that our Affections were so too. I know I shall suffer in the Opinion of some unforgiving People, when I make it known, that after such repeated Indignities I have again taken them into Favour. But as the following Petition was introduced to me by some of the first Quality in this Kingdom, I can deny nothing to their Commands, nor indeed to the Dictates of my own Humanity.

It was an infinite Pleasure to me the Day after I had reinstated the Petitioners, to see the Faces of my old Officers about me. However, I would not have Mr. Kidney be in the least discouraged. The little Time he has been in Employment has raised in me a just Esteem for his good Qualities; and it is for his Sake that I give the follow­ing Advertisement a Place in this Part of my Pa­per:

Before I conclude, I am to acquaint my Rea­ders, That as I have again received my old Ser­vants, I have likewise renewed my former Reso­lution of continuing this Work three Times a Week; so, advising Mrs. A. Baldwin to use great Industry in her Business, I bid her heartily Fare­wel.

N. B. Having commissioned my Printer to di­stinguish this Paper by what Number he thinks proper, I must observe, That from Jan. 2. those only of Numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, belong to this Set, in order to compleat the Fifth Volume of these Lucubrations.

THat Activity or Restlesness of Thought, that Desire of doing something, which is natural to almost every Body, does, when rightly appli­ed, give Birth to many great and noble Enter­prizes; but when it falls under the Direction of a fantastical Judgment, it becomes troublesome and ridiculous to all the World. On one Side, it con­tributes to the Characters of the greatest Gene­rals, and the wisest Statesmen; and on the other, it furnishes publick Conversations with Busy Bo­dies and Buffoons. I have observed Will Worth­less for a long Time about this Town labouring under a prodigious Impatience of being distin­guish'd as a Man of some Sort of Figure or other. At his first coming from the University, he set up for a great Unbeliever; for which Reason, as likewise because he was afraid to be in a Room by himself, he spent most of his Time at the Graecian. But not arriving to any great Eminence in Infidelity, he turned himself with great Appli­cation to the Calling of a Virtuoso. To equip himself for this, he travel'd twice into Italy, from [Page 41] whence, at great Expence, he brought back a so­lemn Face, with the Reputation of knowing as much as he did when he went out. Being now greatly accomplish'd for the Service of his Coun­try, he thought it was high Time to take Care of the Constitution; and to that End, without Fear or Wit, leap'd at once over Head and Ears into publick Business. From that Time to this he has liv'd in a profess'd Course of Gravity. I have had more frequent Opportunities of conversing with him than I could have wish'd. For taking me by my Age to be a Man for his Purpose, he has in a Manner forced himself upon my Acquaintance. He has told me with great Frankness, That he thinks it below a reasonable Man either to laugh or drink Wine, and that he has laid down some Rules to himself as essential to the Character he affects: ‘"To preserve a stedfast Countenance, to whisper in Coffee-houses, to shave but twice a Week, and to wear but one Loop to his Hat; to read nothing but the Votes, and to keep Company with his Father. He has sometimes said with as much Pleasure as his Face is capa­ble of, Well, Mr. Bickerstaff, nothing sure is so solid a Satisfaction as Business—For my Part, I love it so well, that I can't like a Proposal the worse for having been rejected;"’ and to do him Justice, he has been a true Friend to di­stressed Projects, and as good as a Father to Bills in Disgrace. He receives more Petitions than a First Minister, and solicits the Affairs of all the mad Beggars about Town. Monday last I was obliged upon some Business to go to his Levee. I found with him, over Bohea and Bread and But­ter, Justice Upperside and Sir Paul Marmalade. Upon my coming in, Mr. Worthless, who sate next the Fire, rose up and forced me into his Chair. The Justice, with an innocent Smile in his Face, and his Cane at his Mouth, said, ‘"Mr. Bicker­staff, [Page 42] you can tell us; Pray, Sir, what are all these Insurances upon Births and Marriages, will they come to any Thing or no? Before I could answer, he went on, Why really, Sir, I would be glad Gentlemen would consider, eve­ry Nation consists chiefly of Men and Women. How! says Sir Paul, do you make nothing of Children?"’ The Justice, shaking his Head, said, ‘"My good Friend Sir Paul, you don't take me; but what I would offer, is this, If Mar­riages are hindered, Procreation in a legal Way will cease, and the Consequence of that every one knows. However, if no Body else takes Notice of it, I am sure I shan't—'Tis not my Business to find Faults'—’Mr. Worthless stopping him short, cried, ‘"Pray take me along with you; for unless the Persons marrying be equal to the Persons married, where is your Ballance? For I take it, a Nation may be over as well as under married."’ ‘"Well, says Sir Paul, I don't love disputing in Company, but you would have a hard Matter to make that out."’ This weighty Conversation was interrupted by Captain Mystery, who came in from his Round of Levees, with a Face of great Hurry and Impor­tance: ‘"Gentlemen, says he, you little think where I have been this Morning—Hark you Mr. Worthless, a Word in your Ear. All out—Ships—Command—A Blockhead and a Coward, and all their Hands to it—'Tis a little hard tho' that neither Side should take any Notice of one'—’

This was all I overheard of his Whisper, when a Servant came and told Mr. Worthless, there were several People at the Door who desired to speak with his Honour. Leave of Audience be­ing given, the first that entered was Don Cava­liero de Tristo Figure. The Solemnity of his Air, joined with the miserable Habit he was in, was a [Page 43] most exquisite Burlesque upon the Humour of his Country. He had in his Hand a Bundle of Pa­pers, much obscured with Filth, and of a Fra­grancy not to be endured. These he presented to the Patriot, who gave me to understand, that they contained a short and easy Expedient to settle the House of Austria on the Throne of Spain, whispering at the same Time, that he ve­rily believed this Gentleman to be of the Blood Royal.

The next, as I understood from him, was one Mrs. James, a little ancient Gentlewoman, in a Pair of very high Pattins, who, with much Anxiety and Hunger in her Countenance, desired his Honour, with a low Voice, and in a Language that I hardly understood, ‘"To attend her Busi­ness in the House, for that it was now just rea­dy to come on;"’ and it seems it has been in the same Forwardness for these Thirty Years past. She withdrew with great Humility, and repeat­ed Courtesies, to make Room for a Third. Mr. Worthless took me aside, and told me, ‘"That this was a Gentleman who in his younger Days studied the Law; but having failed in that, had now put himself into the fantastical Habit I saw, and under it was one of the deepest Heads in the World. He has attended me, says he, these Three Years, with a Project to save England, and I know not yet whether I shall bring it to bear."’ I was by this Time heartily tired, and in proper Form took Leave of the Company, not knowing whether I ought most to commiserate the Misfortunes of these poor Wretches, or contemn and expose the Fol­lies of their Patron.

I Have prefix'd Two Motto's, as they call 'em, to this Paper; not so much to shew my Learn­ing, as to apprise the Reader, that I pretend to no Connexion or Uniformity in it. I had indeed prepared another for the Press, but about an Hour before the Printer called upon me, I chan­ced to look into a little Coffee-house in our Row, where I found lying open upon the Table the following Epistle, a Steel Ring of Keys, and a Brass Seal with an Anchor engraved on it on one Side, and a short Piece of dirty Sealing-Wax on the other. I was so pleased with the Style and Orthography of it, that I could not but wonder at the Carelesness of the Person who, as I sup­posed, after writing an Answer, had left so va­luable a Piece behind him; and knowing no readier Way to put it into his Hands again, re­solved to make it publick by the first Opportu­nity.

Recipe Caballum, [Anglice] take Horse.

[Page 48] This Day about Twelve in the Forenoon, the new Company of Upholders, the Company of Linen-Drapers, together with the true and trusty Society of Hawkers, introduced by John Morphew, presented to Isaac Bickerstaff Esq by the Hands of their Foremen their several Addresses of Congra­tulation on his Return to Town, and Reassum­ption of his Office, which Addresses the Censor received very favourably, and will shortly cause to be printed.

ONE or two of my last Papers having made it known that I am removed from by old Lodgings in Sheer-Lane, I have on that Occasion received Letters from two Correspon­ [...]ents of very different Sentiments. One of [...]hem wishes me Joy of a clearer Air, and more [...]leasing Situation; the other is so free as to [...]all me a restless, unquiet old Fellow, and a [...]ain Pretender to Philosophy. Hard Fate of [...]hose who happen to have distinguished them­ [...]elves in the World, that their minutest Actions [...]ust be discanted on, and every little Motion [...]hey make be publickly accounted for! If the [...]entleman who is so severe upon me would [...]o me the Favour of a Visit, he would be con­ [...]nced that I have changed for the better. I [...]ave from hence a Prospect filled with such a [...]ariety of Entertainments, that I am almost [...]mpted in my old Age to turn Poet for the [...]ke of it. As a Lover of my Country, it is a [...]nsible Pleasure to me, from the Nobleness of [Page 50] the River, and Magnificence of the Structures, to measure the Wealth and Grandeur of the British Nation. In the Capacity of Censor, I consider this huge Mass of Buildings as my own Province, and am in a Manner directed by my Eye to the Execution of my Office, as I appre­hend this or that Part of the Metropolis to stand in Need of Correction. But these, alas [...] were not the principal Inducements that brought me hither. Old Age, and an unhealthy Win­ter, have taken from me most of my Friends in the other Part of the Town, whom Time [...] a long Acquaintance had rivetted into my E­steem, and made almost necessary to my Way of Living.

They were not Men indeed whom I ever ad­mired for a ready Turn of Wit, or the Vivari­ty of their Conversation, which, to say Truck are but the Embellishments of a good Under­standing, and serve rather to divert and [...] than to indear us to one another. It is for this Reason, that, in the large Commerce I have had with Mankind, it has been my Way to prefer Men of steady Judgment, even Tem­pers, cool and indolent Complexions, to those of excessive Smartness, Humour, and Repartee; there being something in the constant Society of the latter, that loosens and unhing [...] the Mind from the more serious Offices of Life, and at the same Time keeps it upon [...] Stretch in idle and unprofitable Pursuits. [...] Trusty, on this as well as many other Accou [...] has ever preserved the first Place in my Affections. Living himself in this Neighbourhood, be in a great Measure determined [...] to the Choice of it; and to him I have left th [...] Naming of Two or Three Companions, wi [...] whom I may, in an innocent Chearfulness [...] the Remainder of my Time. Th [...] [Page 51] first he introduced to me is a Clergyman of a­bout Sixty, who, it seems, has passed Thirty Years of his Life on a moderate Preferment in the Country, without ever solliciting or desiring a Removal. His Children are grown up, and by his good Management provided for. He has been for some Time a Widower, and being very much worn with the constant Duties of his Function, was with Difficulty prevailed on to leave a Curate on his Benefice, and come up to Town, where his eldest Daughter is settled, and with whom he now lives. My Friend tells me, That he was never known to have a Law Suit or Difference with any of his Parishioners; That he was ever making up Quarrels, and doing good. Offices in the Neighbourhood; That he had been often left sole Guardian to Orphans, and discharged his Trust with the utmost Fidelity; That he constantly visited the Sick, and ha­ving some Knowledge in Physick, and the Composition of Medicines, had assigned Part of his Income to that Use. When he came first to the Place, there was a Conventicle hard by, which had drawn away most of the Peo­ple from the Church; but by the Exemplari­ [...]ess of his Life, his great Hospitality for so [...]lender a Fortune, and the Gentleness of his Nature, joined with the Force of his Perswa­ [...]ons, the People returned by Degrees, the Dissenting Minister went off, and the Barn [...]hey met in was applied to its proper Use.

I was pleased with the Figure of the Man as [...]e came into my Room, somewhat tall, incli­ [...]ing to be lean, his Hair grey, of a fair but flo­ [...]d Complexion, with a certain Sweetness and [...]mplicity in his Countenance.

[Page 52] In our Conversation he seemed to shew that Sort of Diffidence which usually attends Men of the best Sense, after having passed their Lives in Retirement. Upon all Occasions he sub­mitted with great Deference to me, as one who had studied Humane Nature, and atta [...] ­ed to a perfect Knowledge of the World. Af­ter an Hour's Talk, having industriously led him through several Subjects, I found him to be of an excellent Understanding, cultiva­ted by the Knowledge of the best Author of Antiquity, and of a perfect good Taste to point out their Beauties. Amongst the rest, he shewed me many Instances of the Sublime in the Holy Writings, which I had not heard any one before observe; so that upon the Whole, all the Difference I could find be­tween us both in Point of knowing the World, was, that he had been chiefly conver­sant with the best Part of it, and I with the worst.

This Day Sevennight in the Morning Mr. Trusty presented me another new Acquain­tance: ‘"Mr. Bickerstaff, says he, this is Dr. — I know you will be pleased with one another."’ Having never heard the Name before, I concluded him not very emi­nent in his Profession. He had no Haste in his Countenance, and sate with me above two Hours without any visible Impatience to be going. He appeared to have Abundance of good Nature without the sneaking mercenary Affectation of it, and mentioned with Honour as many of his own Profession as are allowed to deserve it. He received no Message all the while we were together; and I observed par­ticularly, that he discoursed often as if he be­lieved Revealed Religion. We dined toge­ther, and he carved up a Pullet without read­ing [Page 53] a Lecture of Anatomy upon it. He seem­ed to be of a facetious Wit, and after a few Glasses of Wine would now and then let off a Quibble, without thinking it any Disparage­ment to his Understanding. I took the first Opportunity to enquire of my Friend into the Character of this Gentleman, whose Account was, That he had many Years belonged to the Faculty, that he was an admirable Scholar, and very knowing in his Profession; but be­ing born a Gentleman, and to a competent Fortune of his own, he disdained the servile Ways of making Court to Nurses and Apothe­caries, and therefore his chief Practice lay a­mong the Poor. He never valued his Reputa­tion equal to the Life of a Patient, and often preserved the latter, though by transgressing a­gainst Form and Method. He was once com­ing into Business, but lost it by perswading his Patients they were not sick, and refusing their Fees.

The other Mr. Trusty has recommended to me, is a young Gentleman under Twenty, and a Nephew of his own. His Person is graceful, his Eyes quick and lively, the Tone of his Voice agreeable, his Look open, affable and serene, his Constitution vigorous and sanguine, his Air, Dress and Behaviour, easy, modest and unaffected. He has been bred under the Care and Direction of his Uncle, who, I remember, often used to say to me, ‘"I will undertake, Isaac, to make this Boy have as much useful Knowledge at Nineteen, as you or I have at Fifty."’ This he has effected beyond what I could possibly have conceived, and the Methods he has taken to do it, shall hereafter in one or more of these Papers be communicated to the Publick. In the mean Time, it is an infinite Delight to me to find this young Man fre­quently [Page 54] making such just Observations as are in others the Result of long Experience; to hear him reason closely without Prejudice, Passion or Conceit; at other Times to see him gay, chearful and entertaining, without run­ning into indecent Liberty, or straining for the Character of a Wit; and upon all Occasions to observe in him a generous Detestation of every Thing that is base and unworthy, an Integrity founded on good Sense, and superior to every Temptation. What inexpressible Pleasure must arise from the Reflection of having furnished the World with so extraordinary a Person? who, if his Merit does not hinder him, may, for half a Century, in the highest Stations, and most honourable Employments, be of publick Im­portance to the World.

SItting last Night over a chearful Fire, and a Glass of Spanish Wine, with my Friend Sa­muel Trusty, I happened to say, with a Free­dom peculiar to our Manner of Conversing, that I could not but admire our mutual Con­stancy in the Friendship that had so long been between us. ‘"Why, 'tis right, Isaac, says he, and I hope we may look upon it as an Argu­ment of Virtue on both Sides. For my own Part, I do not remember that I ever wished my self from you when our Affairs would give us Leave to be together."’ But this A­greement, says I, is so far from being com­mon in the World, that if the Institution at Dunmowe were in Favour of Friendship, as it is of Matrimony, I am confident there are few besides our selves would have any Right to the Pramium. ‘"No, (says he) and I remember a Story of two pretty remarkable Friends of our own Time that you remind me of on this Occasion. They had lived some time about Town, and being weary of mixed Company, Noise, and Impertinence, agreed to retire where they might without Interruption en­joy one another. Nottingham was the Place resolved on; but they had not continued [Page 56] there a Week in close and constant Conversa­tion, before they grew insufferably sick of each other. Some Third Person must be en­gaged into their Relief, and being acciden­tally lodged in a House next the Gaol, where a Cup of good Liquor was to be had, they sent a Message to the Gaoler, to tell him, if he was at Leisure, there were two Gentlemen that were alone would come and smoak a Pipe with him. Being otherwise employed, he sent his Excuse. Upon which they went in Person, and asked him, If there was never an honest Highwayman in the House that would be glad of Company? He told them he was quite out at present, and that if it was to save their Lives, he had no Body but an old Woman that was under Sentence of Death for exercising the Black Art, and he was sure they would not take up with her. He happened to be mistaken, for they im­mediately obtained Leave to go down into the Dungeon, and there solaced themselves with Ale, Brandy, and the Society of this poor unfortunate Creature, till within two Hours of her Execution.'’

What a Levity of Mind is this, that will not suffer us to acquiesce in the most reasonable Enjoyments of Life? What a Want of Princi­ple, Reflection, and ordinary Resolution? As one every Day sees the wretched Effects of this viciated Taste in Conversation, Dress, and Be­haviour; I for my own Part am made more particularly sensible of them in the Prosecution of this Work. To say as much as is proper on the same Subject, is wearing it out, as they call it; and a Half Sheet without Four or Five Breaks has a dull heavy Look, and is offensive to the Eyes of curious Readers; so that for [Page 57] their Relief, more than my own, I am forced sometimes to diversify my Paper, by dating it from several Parts of the Town; or else, which is my present Case, to call in the As­sistance of such Correspondents as come first to Hand.

The Alias on the Cover of this Letter, the Omission of my Title on the same, as well as some Passages in the said Letter, leave me at full Liberty to treat both that and the Writer of it in what Manner I please: And I do here­by give Notice, That I will hereafter neither answer, read, open nor receive, nor suffer to be answered, read, opened nor received, any Letter or Pacquet otherwise directed than to Isaac Bic­kerstaff Esq &c. according to the Order by me formerly issued on that Behalf.

Ordered, That a Caustick be forthwith ap­plied to the Nose of the Defendant, there to remain for the Space of Four Hours, and that the Plaintiff do attend the Operation; three Days after which, he the said Defendant is hereby summoned to appear in Court, there further to answer for the Offence by him com­mitted before his Peers of the Horse-Guards.

IT is now something more than three Weeks since I issued forth my Order for the Ele­ction of Rural Censors throughout every Parish in the Kingdom of Great Britain. This, in most Places, has been punctually observed, and with great Regularity and Order; but in others it has produced Discord, Division, and Tumult. The last Post brought me an Ac­count from Smallworth, Wiltshire, That there were actually Two Censors chosen for the [...]me Parish, who, upon all Occasions, una­voidably clash and interfere with each other. At Bri [...]ewell in Hampshire very indirect Pra­ctices have been made Use of, and a Person elected that had not lived Two Days in the Place. A bad Effect this of a most useful In­stitution! If Church-wardens and Sides-men are thus open to Corruption, where is Justice and Integrity to be found? The Love of Power is without Doubt very natural to us all, and there are many Temptations in the Office of a Censor to justifie the Desire of at­taining [Page 61] to it: But to pursue this Ambition through unwarrantable Means, is in my O­pinion no less absurd than criminal, because it defeats the very Purpose we have in View, and at once disqualifies us for the Employ­ment we affect. It is a Violence to my Na­ture to act any Thing that is rigid and se­vere; but I very much question whether I shall not be shortly obliged to do exem­plary Justice on the aforementioned Ac­count. I have now under Consideration a great Number of Complaints from several Parts of the Kingdom, which in due Time shall be laid before the Publick. As for those Gentlemen who have been duly elected to so weighty a Post, I shall always treat them with a Regard due to their Character; and as the following Remonstrance came first to my Hands, it does of Course claim Precedency of all others.

IT is certain that most of our Errors, whe­ther in Conversation or Conduct, are ow­ing to Want of Reflection, and a right Way of Thinking. The Privilege of applying our Fa­culties that Way, is the noblest Distinction of our Nature, and of the last Consequence to the Regulation of our Lives. This I do not offer as a new Observation, but only as the general Neglect of it, and at the same Time the Impor­tance of its being rightly understood, make it necessary to be put often in our Way. What­ever Improvements or Acquisitions we make without this Foundation, are but superficial and Ornamental at best, and will never support us through any Figure or Character in the World: For which Reason, when the Business of the Day, and the innocent Entertainments of the Evening are at an End, I constantly set apart an Hour at least to descend into my self, to weigh and examine my past Behaviour, and the Principles I have acted upon. The little Lei­sure [Page 66] I thus steal from the Publick is returned to them, by endeavouring to become more perfect in the several Relations I bear to Mankind.

In this Manner I was employing my Thoughts some Nights ago, when going towards my Window. I heard a Watchman in the Street cry, Past Twelve of the Clock, and a Moon-light Morning. Another, who came just after him, called the same Hour, and a cloudy Morning. He who had declared himself first, thinking his Veracity in Question, turned round in some Anger, and in a low sullen Voice gave the o­ther the Lie. Words were multiplied upon it, and Blows followed. I immediately threw up my Sash, and had Authority enough to part them. For my own Part, I looked upon it to be a very bright Sky, and therefore gave the Fellow a Reprimand that had pronounced it otherwise: But when he assured me, that at the very Instant he did so, a Cloud was just co­ming over the Moon, the Cause was puzzled, and I did not know justly where to lay the Blame. However, having made up the Mat­ter, I pulled down my Window, and retired to Bed. Before I fell asleep, I could not help re­flecting on the Oddness of this Dispute, and to make it of some Use to my self, resolved I would never more engage in Controversy with Mr. Powell or any other Person.

Soon after I happened to have some Tryal of my Temper, for amongst other Letters, I re­ceived that which follows from my old Adver­sary Mr. Powell.

I could not but be much surprized at so ex­traordinary an Account, and doubting the Truth of it, went incognito the next Night to the House, where I found my Correspondent had but too good Grounds for triumphing over me in the Manner he had done.

After being heartily tired with the First Act, I had Leisure to consider the extraordinary Re­ception of these Foreign Entertainments, and the Discouragement of our own Musick. I could no otherwise account for it, than by ha­ving Recourse to a certain Journal that had a little before fallen into my Hands, in which I find, that on the First of November last the House of Ladies came to this Resolution: ‘Resolved, That Mr. Waller never writ a good Song, That Mr. Clayton cannot set one, no [...] Mrs. Tofts sing one.’

[Page 68] In this Debate, I am told they all spoke, and all at once; so it being impossible for them to know what each other said, I could never learn the Reasons that induced that honourable House to pass so cruel a Vote. Two are chiefly al­ledged without Doors to justify this Severity. The First is, That our Language is so uncooth as not to be endured, and calculated only for Acts of Parliament. The Gentleman that made this Objection, appeared at my Court Yester­day, where being tried for Slander, after ha­ving made a smooth Defence in the English Tongue, he was found guilty, and sentenced to speak no other Words than Otway and Waller for the Space of Nine Days; as likewise to tran­slate the Mira of Mr. G— [...] into High-Dutch.

The Second Reason, which is, the Want of Performers, has been pressed to me with all As­surance of Success: But the Persons who pre­sumed so far, upon a very solemn Trial, were found guilty also by a very fair Jury, sentenced to beg Mrs. Tofts's and Mr. Leveridge's Pardon upon their Knees, and fined One thousand Pound each for the Use of the Queen of Cyprus, whose Treasures are exhausted, and her Terri­tories invaded. I, who am advanced in Years, and have neither Leisure nor Application for the Attainment of a Language I as yet know little of, have more than ordinary Reason to be apprehensive of its encroaching too far up­on us. Should it universally prevail, I am in a Manner debarred the Commerce of Mankind, and my Lucubrations of Course fall to the Ground. I could wish it were further conside­red, how great Sufferers a considerable Part of my Fellow-Subjects would be, if we took away only the Use of a few Words, and whether any that can be substituted in their Stead, [Page 69] would make Amends for the Loss. As for In­stance, you deprive the Lover of Angel, Goddess, Cupid, Charms, Darts, Flames, Fire, Sigh, Die: 'Tis plain he is undone for ever. Take from the Critick, Delicacy of Thought, Turn of Words, Propriety of Speech, Diction, Image, Genius, Sub­lime: The peevish Man will have very little left. Rob the Politician of Ballance of Power, Limited Monarchy, Hereditary Right, Church, State, Ministry: Most of the Coffee-houses would break, and even that of St. James's be very thin.

After all, I am credibly informed by some of the Royal Society, that there is something in the Formation of a Tramontane Ear, that will not suffer it to relish the Softness of Italian Airs; and further, that Sound it self, at so ma­ny Degrees Northward, was never known to come to perfect Maturity: Only that of Drums, Trumpets, Hautboys, and here and there as much of the Vocal as will serve to keep a pri­vate Family in Order, being of our own Growth, and agreeing tolerably well with the Climate.

For my Sentiments of Musick in General; fitly introduced, and in its proper Circumstan­ces, I leave them to be expressed by Shake­speare, wanting Words of my own for that Oc­casion.

Antonio, in the Jew of Venice, speaks thus to Bassanio:

IT is observable of Men of base Extraction and low Education, that when they have any Thing in them of what the World calls good Sense, they turn it wholly to the getting of Money. They have but that one Point in View, and consequently overlook all either difficult or indirect Ways which lead to it.

If they attain their End, and become rich toward their middle Age, before they decline in Years, and decay in Strength, and that their Appetite of Getting is not yet turned into an Avarice of Hoarding, if they have any Fire re­maining, they commonly feel themselves war­med with a Kind of Ambition of being Some­body, as well as Something. They find a Want of that Respect which they observe to be paid to such who are called Gentlemen, and Persons of Condition, though of small Fortunes. They would give any Consideration to be of an honourable Descent, and alter the Spelling of their Names to bring them on as near as pos­sible [Page 72] to some Name or Seat of Antiquity. If that cannot be brought about, they push for a Knighthood, or an Alliance with some Family of Name or Title, whose Follies or Misfortunes have reduced them to match themselves or Children to Money, however basely lodged, or infamously obtained.

I fell into this Reflection after a Visit made me some Days since by one whom I remember to have known a Link-Boy, and who has often lighted me formerly from the Green-Dragon in Fleet-street to my Lodgings in Sheer-lane. We used to call him Foundling, a Name given him by his Godfather the Parish, and which he has not yet been able to part with, or vary, though he has found the Secret to be worth very near what they call a Plumb, and upon 'Change has obtained the Appellation of a good Man. He came to me with much Frankness, owning both his past and present Circumstances; but what made me, smile, was, the Request he made me to accompany him to a House in our Row, where lives one Randall (as he called him) a Creature Merchant. This Person is a great Vir­tuoso, and deals in Birds and Beasts, though not either as a Butcher or Poulterer; for he nourishes nothing that is eatable, nor ever ut­ters any Commodity but while it is alive.

As we walked towards this Virtuoso's Habi­tation, which I may call an Abridgment of the Ark, my Friend Foundling told me, ‘"He had purchased a fair Seat in the Country, That he had a Mind to appear well in the World; and since he had a Gentleman's Estate, he would endeavour to have every Thing sui­table to it; That he had bargained already with the Herald's College for a Coat of Arms; and that his present Errand to Ran­dall's was, from among his Variety, of Ani­mals [Page 73] to fancy himself a Crest, in which he mightily desired my Assistance and Approba­tion."’ I was delighted with the Folly and Frankness of the Man; but it happened he saw nothing that pleased him. As we returned, I advised him to an honest home-bred Crest out of his own Farmers Yard, which was a Cock's Head untrim'd, with the Gills and Comb en­tire. This he approved, and took his Leave. I was about to reflect on what had pass'd, when suddenly returning he called to me, and co­ming nearer, told me, he would let me into all his Project, and desired I would step with him to a Waterman's House hard by, where he had lodged a Set of Ancestors, which were to go up next Tide to his Seat upon the River. He desired my Judgment of the Choice he had made of Three Generations to furnish his Par­lor. I went with him, not readily compre­hending what he meant, till we enter'd the House, where he explained to me, that at Fleet-Ditch he had bought the Pictures of Three Men and Three Women, which were suited well enough to each other, and were to personate his Family up to his Great-Grand­father and Great-Grandmother, which he thought was pretending far enough for one who was in Truth related to no Body that he knew of in the World. As I was extremely diverted with the Oddness and Extravagance of the Man's Fancy, I was no less satisfied with his Judgment in the Choice of the Pictures; the Habits and Dispositions of the Figures be­ing suited to Three different Periods and Fa­shions of Time, and concluding, or rather be­ginning, in the Great-Grandfather and Great-Grandmother, with a Pair of Trunk-Hose, a Ruff, and a Farthingale. I pleased him with my Approbation, and took Leave of him, en­tertaining [Page 74] my self often since with the Reflections which naturally arise from the Contemplation of Vanity, Wealth, and titular Happiness. I have since heard there is a Marriage likely to be concluded betwixt his Daughter Mrs. Priscilla Foundling and the eldest Son of the Lord Mortgage.

When my other Affairs will give me Leav [...] I now and then saunter unobserved about the Town, and am infinitely entertained with the Variety of Persons, Humours, and Circumstan­ces, I meet with in my Walks. Returning Home the other Evening after a Tour of th [...] Kind, I stepped in here, and having hung up my Cloak, and called for a Dish of Tea, joined my self to the Company at the Long Table. I could not but be surpriz'd to find Se [...] rus, who has himself an admirable Tast [...]Learning, and a good Insight into Politic [...] surrounded with a Set of vain and empty P [...] tenders to both. Amongst the rest, I took p [...] ticular Notice of one whom I had formerly [...] his proper Capacity made honourable Mentio [...] of. 'Tis true, he affected little of the State [...] man, but in all Matters relating to Poetry seemed to consider himself as the ultimate Judg [...] and with great Volubility of Speech dictated [...] all about him. He had a perfect Command [...] that Critical Cant I mention'd in my last, [...] applied it, in a very Magisterial Manner, to several Passages of Shakespeare, Johnson, and Dryden. I sat some Time at the Table before [...] offered to take any Notice of me, and he did [...] at last with such an Air of Superiority, as [...] he imagined his Name had done Honour to [...] Paper, instead of receiving any from it; or [...] [Page 75] [...]f it had been a Piece of Condescention in one [...]f his Figure to own an Acquaintance with the Censor of Great Britain. From his Usage of me he gave [...]e a fair Occasion of calling him [...]side, and telling him of what other Faults I [...]ad observed in his Behaviour.

WIthin this half Year, I have with wonderful Delight read over the History [...] Don Quixote in the Original Language, no [...] much approving any of our own Translation [...] except the old one, which is now hard to b [...] met with. One finds in this excellent Piec [...] very masterly Strokes of Ridicule upon all Occasions; but as it was calculated for a Peopl [...] in Point of Gallantry, the most Romantick in the World, the Passion of Love, under all the fantastical Forms and Dresses it wore in that Age and Nation, is severely treated, and inimi­tably exposed, throughout the whole.

A Work of this Nature was no less necessary to the Spaniard, than it afterward proved suc­cessful; and whoever will be at the Pains of entring into the Humour that reigned among them, cannot fail of being infinitely entertained with so fine a Satyr upon it. But a Reader meerly English, who never took it in his Head to buckle on a Helmet, or mount a Palfrey, for the Fair, to encounter Giants, besiege moated [Page 77] [...]astles, or rescue imprisoned Damsels from [...]chantment, nor yet has any Notion of the [...]eroes who did so, will very little relish a Bur­ [...]sque on the Feats of Chivalry. And, to say [...]e Truth, as these illustrious Knights, by the [...]ower of a warm Sun, were transported to [...]e Extreme, we, from the Coldness of our [...]tuation, are no less expos'd to another. They [...]d Spirits enough to support them through [...]ng and tedious Pursuits, ours flag upon the [...]hace, and one Way or other die almost as [...]on as they are born. Instead of refining, as [...]ey did, upon our Amours, till we lose the [...]nd of them, we hurry on to That, and over­ [...]ok many agreeable Paths that indirectly lead [...] it. This I am willing to charge upon our Climate; but I question whether there be n [...]t [...]ome Affectation at the Bottom. I know not [...] short how it happens, but whilst we give a [...]oose to all our other Passions, that of Love, in [...]he proper Sense of it, is made the Subject of Ridicule, and in a great Measure laughed out of Countenance by the Gentlemen of Wit and Pleasure about Town. Bellaria in vain is [...]oung, beautiful and Genteel; Cleora of an [...]dmirable Temper, an easy modest Behaviour, and a Person perfectly agreeable. The Success of their Charms is no more than to be ogled at the Opera, toasted at the Tavern, and forgot­ten the next Morning. This is an elegant En­joyment of Life, as we call it, and a right Tast of Happiness. Colin is almost the only one of my Acquaintance that has formed a right Judg­ment upon the Business of Love, and has Cou­rage enough to avow it upon all Occasions. He is a Man excellently qualified for the high­est Employments, his Way of Living is rather too abstemious; but to that he owes a clear Understanding, and many uncommon Specula­tions. [Page 78] He has a peculiar Simplicity of M [...] ners, and through his whole Character gi [...] one some Traces and Images of humane N [...] ture in its original Purity. Having never s [...] fered himself to be tainted with the Bitterne [...] of a Party, he preserves an universal Cand [...] and a Profusion of Benevolence for Mankind [...] general.

This Gentleness of Nature has sometim [...] put him into the Power of the Fair Sex, [...] whom therefore we are obliged for the be [...] Pastorals in our own Tongue, and such as [...] hardly inferior to those in any other. H [...] Conversation on the same Topick is no less delicate and entertaining. In an easy and unaf­fected Manner he leads one through the mo [...] delightful Scenes, and furnishes them with all the Pleasures of a luxurious, but refined, Ima­gination. He appears all the while to be throughly touched with what he says, and to be placed in a Form of Happiness superior to the common Level of the World. The same Turn of Mind lays him open to an infinite Ten­derness and Compassion for the Misfortunes of others; and if the Distress of the following Letter be real, as it is not impossible it should, I shall expect his Approbation at least for gi­ving it a Place in my Paper.

The Case of Fidelia, as well as that of the Pretenders to her, is indeed very deplorable; and the more so, because having carefully per­used the Records belonging to the Court of Ho­nour, I cannot from thence inform my self how to proceed, or in whom to vest the Right of her Person. However, if necessary, a Special Verdict may be had without much Trouble or Expence. In the mean Time, to speak upon it in an extrajudicial Way, if the Lady happens to be of the Romish Persuasion, I advise her to a Nunnery; if not, and she be qualified as her Brother has represented, I know a certain old Gentleman who will be well enough pleased to take her off with all her Misfortunes and Infir­mities about her. By having frequent Oppor­tunities of instilling the Precepts of Philosophy, he may in Time alleviate her Disquiets; at least under the Protection of such a one, she may; as many others do, enjoy all the conve­nient Privacy, without any of the Confinement or Severities of a Monastick Retirement.

THERE is no Consideration of more Mo­ment, or which more respects the present or future Good of Mankind, than a severe and nice Attention to the natural Bent, Genius or Disposition of Children. 'Tis through a Neg­lect of this, that we see so many Professions, Functions and Vocations so ill executed and supplied. I have often preached this to Major Matchlock, who himself had been an Oliverian, and could neither write nor read, and but scur­vily set his Mark. His Consciousness of his Want of Learning made him run mad upon making his Son a Scholar. The Lad, who had an hereditary and unalienable Dulness, was ut­terly incapable. Nevertheless to the Charter-House he went, where after having been for Four Years under a good Discipline, he was (if possible) more stupified by Correction, and returned again, like a leaden Shilling, upon his father's Hands. Soon after, by my Advice, he [Page 83] was put to a Banker in Lombard-street, is now a Common-Councilman, will shortly be Depu­ty of the Ward, and may in Time bid fair for the Chair. This is one Instance, and every one who reads this, cannot fail, from his own Knowledge, of recollecting many more. On the other Hand, a great Genius is sometimes overlooked, and a Youth ty'd down to mean Applications by having a Mechanick to his Fa­ther, whose natural Fire, and Greatness of Spi­rit, make frequent vigorous Attempts; by which he at length sallies from behind the Counter, breaks through his Indentures, quits his opprobrious Apron, and flourishes in Arts or Arms. We read, that Wolsey was but the Son of a Butcher, his Servant, the great Crom­well, and who perhaps was as great a Man, the Son of a Blacksmith. An eminent Person of la­ter Times was reproached by one of better Birth, though of meaner Parts, for having for­merly been a Carrier. His Answer, for his Temper and excellent Judgment in it, is not to be forgotten, which was, ‘"That if he who re­proach'd him had once been a Carrier, he would have been a Carrier still."’ To descend yet to a more modern Instance, my Friend U­riah Pattern, by Profession a Salesman in the Strand, who sold me my last Purple Bays Gown, has a Son whom he bound to himself, that he might learn to make Clothes; but he, it seems, was only born to wear 'em. I cannot say that he appears addicted by Nature either to Arts or Arms, being of the Beau Species, and giving daily Indications of a Smart Fellow. The Symptoms broke out early upon him, in red Heels, wrought Clocks, Agate-headed Canes, Lispings, Patches, Contortions in Bow­ing, Oaths, Shrugs, Smiles, white Gloves, with a perpetual Propensity of stretching out his [Page 84] Hand to lead Ladies, not only from his Fa­ther's Door, but from Pews, Pit, Box, or Galle­ry. It was also observable of him, that when up­on any Emergency he was forced to attend the Shop, he handled his Ell, and unrolled the Callicoes, with a particular Air of Scorn, Re­gret and Indignation. What the Catastrophe of this Character will be I am loth to deter­mine, but there seems to be some present Ma­lignancy in his Stars. His Mother, good Wo­man, came to me the other Day with Tears in her Eyes, and told me, that on the 6th of Fe­bruary last he went out, to all Appearance, well in the Morning. He had indeed disgui­sed himself in a rich Suit, by Means of which he was as much observed, as he was unknown, at Court; that he returned very late at Night, extremely disordered, and has rav'd ever since. His Imagination being fill'd with the Idea's of what he saw there, he frequently breaks out in Exclamations on Basset, Drawing-Room, Balls, Rigadoons, Minuets, &c. He talks of Dut­chesses, Countesses, and Yeomen of the Guard. A poor Country Woman call'd in to buy a Yard of Flannel, and he cry'd, Stand by. A Servant Maid came just afterwards for a Callicoe Gown and Petticoat: Asking him how much would serve, he told her, she must take so many Yards extraordinary, for he presumed she would have it with a Train; then offered to lead her to her Pattins, which she had put off at the Door, and wish'd her Grace a good Night.

A Person of less Penetration than my self, may easily see to the Bottom of Ned Pattern's Case. To speak Poetically, he has, like Pro­metheus, stolen Fire from bright Eyes that roll in an Orb too far above him. It is highly pro­bable that he knows not the great Lady that has given him the Wound, and utterly impossible [Page 85] that from her he should ever obtain any Cure. If he can be informed of her Title and Habita­tion, I would advise him to entertain humble Thoughts, to aim at being introduced into the Presence, and by Degrees into the Favour, of her Abigail, the Possession of whom, though not as a principal Remedy, may yet as a Suc­cedaneum prove effectual to his Recovery; a Method very familiar to us in our Practice of Physick: And who knows, but the old Clothes and tarnished Habiliments, together with the cast Airs and Second-hand Simagreex, of the original Beauty, may have a Virtue in them like that said to have been in Achilles Spear, the Rust of which never failed to heal the Wounds it had made [...] This is what I think proper to advise for the present, though if this should not have the desired Effect, for the Sake of my old Friend Uriah, I shall take Nea's Case into further Consideration, and save him (if possible) from a Bed of Straw and a dark Room.

MY Landlady has a little Boy about Five Years old, with whose Conversation I often divert my self when I have taken my af­ternoon's Nap. I was yesterday, with my Spectacles on, cutting out for him the Fi­gures of Kings, Milk-Maids, Trees, and the [Page 87] like, in Paper. We happen'd to be in warm Debate upon some important Circumstance in our Business, when Will Moody came into my Room, and seemed to wonder how a Person of my Age and Gravity could descend to such Trifles. He made me so tedious a Visit, and was so very disagreeable in it, that I long'd till he was gone, and young Master and my self had resumed our Entertainment, having a King to finish, who wanted only his Crown and a Pair of Hands. I have since reflected with some Contempt on those who think that Wisdom consists in a constant Tenor of Gra­vity, and that they can never put off their Se­riousness without breaking into their Cha­racter. How ill Judges such People are of hu­mane Nature may be determined, not only from the Opinions of Poets and Philosophers, but from the Practice of the wisest and greatest Men. Socrates, who, I think, may be recko­ned in the first Rank of Mankind, was at Fourscore taken by some of his Scholars in the Fact, Whistling and Dancing by himself. Scipio and Laelius used to amuse themselves with ga­thering Shells on the Sea-Shore, and Augustus to play at Cobnut with some favourite Boys.

As all Exercise, whether of Body or Mind, requires some Relaxation, so we may observe a Sort of Analogy or Agreement between Men's several Employments, and the Amusements they fall into. Thus the Labourer, after the Toil of the Day, refreshes himself in the Eve­ning with Wrestling, Dancing, or flinging the Bar: The dull Plodders in Business, as soon as they are disingaged from it, fall insensibly asleep, or doze over a Pint: Men of great Ge­nius naturally fall into these Trifles which, at the same Time that they give Ease and Re­spite to the Faculties, serve to enliven in some [Page 88] Degree, and keep them in a gentle Motion. This I take to have been the Ease of those great Men whose Examples I have produced; and I am so far gone in this Opinion, that I be­lieve every Person understands the Art of Tri­fling agreeably, in Proportion to his Share of Wit and good Sense; those who are defective in either, being as incapable of doing it them­selves as of relishing it in others. The only In­convenience is, when Men in great or grave Stations are not cautious enough to distinguish before whom they give themselves a Liberty this Way.

Will Moody, amongst many others, has fur­nished me with this Observation. After much formal Advice against doing Things unsuitable to my Age, and telling me how much it would have reflected upon me if any but a Friend had come in, he added, That he was mightily shocked some Time ago by a Person of Repu­tation for Learning and Virtue, that had enter­tained him for half an Hour together with the Particularities of a Puppet-Show, which he carried his little Grandson to see the Night be­fore. The Truth is, such sow and groveling Spirits as these have some Reason for their Censure, who possessing no good Qualities able to gain or to raise Esteem, should not presume to act a Part that would serve only to make 'em ridiculous. A Man who hopes to establish his Character and Fortune by the Solemnity of his Countenance, would be in the Wrong to part with it upon every slight Occasion. Should he once deviate from the Road he is in, he knows not where it might end, nor how to recover his Mistake. Even a Smile might be of dan­gerous Consequence, and therefore he arms himself with an impregnable Gravity against all the Fooleries and Gaieties that may happen in his Way.

[Page 89] Democritulus is equally a Coxcomb, though of a very different Mould. He laughs for Laughing's Sake in the wrong Place, and is a Trifler upon all Occasions. In Pursuit of this Humour, he regards neither Time, Person, nor Circumstance, but lays about him without Distinction, and is a Kind of Drawcansir in Conversation. His nearest Acquaintance, and their tenderest Concerns, are the Subjects of his Wit and Ridicule; and he seems to value himself for nothing more, than for having got the better of Modesty, good Manners, and Humanity. How an Inclination to Raillery may betray one into Offences of this Kind, I must produce my self as an Instance; and as the following Letter has awakened in me a Sense of my Error, my Willingness to insert it here, will, I hope, in some Measure atone for it.

From the excessive Tenderness I have for the Fair Sex, I was inclined to hope that the Di­stress of Fidelia was not real, else I had applied thy self to the Consideration of it in a more se­rious [Page 91] Manner. I could wish, my Correspon­dents, for this Reason, would make use of a secret Mark, understood by them and my self only, to let me know when I am drawn upon for my Advice in earnest, and when not; it being otherwise impossible but that some mer­ry Wags should Bite both me and my courte­ous Readers, as often as they in their great Wit and Wisdom shall think fit so to do.

THE Relation between Masters and their Servants, would, if rightly improved, contribute a great deal to the Happiness of both. Seneca places the latter in a lower Rank of Friends, and imputes the vile and abject Treat­ment they usually meet with, to the Pride or Ignorance of those who have the Power in their Hands. For my own Part, I have ever had a Kind of Tenderness and Regard for the few I have entertained in my Service: I have at proper Times bestowed suitable Advice up­on them, and to the best of my Power impro­ved both their Morals and Understanding. By this Means they have gradually commenced [Page 92] humble Companions, and served to amuse me with a Kind of low Conversation, at the same Time that they were doing the little necessary Offices about my Person. My Maid, who is now turned of Fifty, is of singular Use in this Way: As she is warming my Bed, she tells me a Hundred Stories of Spirits without Heads, black Dogs, and several Kinds of Apparitions, that have for sarten been seen in the Parish where she was born. In a Morning, when she brings me my Candle, she acquaints me how the World goes, and entertains me with her simple Remarks on the most considerable Men, and most important Affairs in it. This is ma­king the most of her Capacity: But Pacolet, my other Servant, was a much greater Genius, and adorn'd with many excellent Qualities the high Station of Premiere Ministre to the Censor of Great Britain.

As the Publick has been frequently obliged to his Intelligence for the Detection of several secret Enormities, I cannot think it improper to give some Account of him here, of his Ab­sence for Six Months past, and his late Return to these Parts. About the latter End of Au­gust last he came to me, and after talking over some Affairs I had employed him in, he told me in short, he was grown weary of acting al­together within the narrow Limits of this Kingdom, that if I would please to allow him a Salary, and send him abroad with a Cha­racter, he would in a short Time visit all the Courts of Europe, and bring from thence ma­ny Secrets and Curiosities worthy of my Know­ledge and Acceptance. My Correspondents being numerous, and the Accounts they sent me very faithful and material, I could the bet­ter spare Pacolet at that Time. Accordingly, Mr. Lillie prepared his Credentials, in which [Page 93] he was stiled Legate a Latere from Isaac Bic­kerstaff Esq Astrologer, Student in Physick, and Censor of the Kingdom of Great Britain. He set out soon after, and having made the pro­mised Tour with an Expedition peculiar to his Way of Travelling, he arrived again at Sheer-Lane (from whence he was directed to Chan­nel-Row) the 22d Instant. I received him with much Pleasure, together with the many Pre­sents, Letters, &c. he brought me from Con­noisseurs, Great Princes, and Writers of Alma­nacks. I find by him that my Predictions first introduced me to their Knowledge, and laid a Foundation for the Fame of my succeeding Lu­cubrations. He was, it seems, particularly well received in the North; the contending Powers in those Parts alternately perswading him to declare in my Name for their Interest; which he prudently declined, alledging for his Excuse, that he had particular Instructions from the Censor, his Master, not to meddle in those Affairs. Amongst other Things, he produc'd from his Portmanteau Two large Fo­lio's, each of which, he told me, contained an Account of his Travels, the same in Substance, but differing in Style and the Manner of Wri­ting. He added, ‘"That which I approved should have the Preference, and shortly be made ready for the Press."’ In the first Place therefore he read as follows: ‘" August 22. 1710. This Morning, having taken Leave of my Master, I mounted my Flying-Horse at the lower End of Sheer-Lane, and without observing much the Roads I passed over, soon arrived at Amsterdam. I baited there at the Cat and Fiddle, and after kissing my Lan­lady's Daughter in the Cellar, proceeded on my Journey to the Court of Vienna, which I reached about Noon the same Day."’ Very [Page 94] well, Pacolet, says I. ‘"Ah Sir! replies he, this is but a plain Narration."’—Then taking up the other Volume, he begun thus: ‘'The Vehemence of the Summer Solstice was now much abated, when, invited by the agreeable Temperature of the charming Sea­son, I resolved to make an Excursion into re­mote Climates. Accordingly having by long Premeditation determin'd the Time of my Departure, I applied my self to that illustrious Person I have the Honour of appertaining un­to, and having obtained a gentle Indulgence for my intended Peregrination, I gave Orders for my winged Palfrey to be brought to the Extremity of Sheer-Lane, where, amongst other noble Pieces of Architecture which salute the wondering Eye, that vulgar­ly distinguished by the Denomination of Temple-Bar, is by no Means inferior to any round about it. It consists of a noble Arch, through which, as through a mighty Chan­nel, gay, gilded Chariots, obsolete Coaches, and rumbling Dray-Carts, are backwards and forwards incessantly disembogued; whilst on either Side of it Foot-Passengers, like silent Streams, glide smoothly on, and divide themselves afterwards into numberless Rivulets through all Parts of the Metro­polis.'’

Here I started up in some Disorder, and snatching the Book out of his Hand, told him he should never more see my Face if he did not that Moment go his Ways and sleep till he had recovered his Understanding. After he had left me, I could not forbear running my Eye along the Margin of his Manuscript, which pointed out some of the Contents in the fol­lowing Order.

Whilst I was thus entertaining my self, my Sister Jenny came into my Room, with un­usual Disorder and Resentment in her Air and Countenance. Then throwing an open'd Let­ter upon my Table. ‘"Here (says she) take this, you can expose the Sappho's of our Sex, pray do not overlook the Corydon's of your own. In the Chair that brought me hither I found this Billet, and if you are in earnest an Enemy to Vice, you will publish it in your next Paper.'’

THE Desire to appear pleasing and agreea­ble is very natural and prevailing, al­ [...]hough the Art of being so is little understood. [...]her by Affectation we overshoot the Mark, [...] by Remissness fall short of it. But nothing [...] effectually defeats us in this Pursuit than [...] wrong Estimate of our selves, either in Point [...]f the good Qualities we pretend to, or of the [...]tuation in Life that Fortune has assign'd us. [...] Want of due Attention to either of these Circumstances will unavoidably betray us into [...]requent Miscarriages in our Conduct; some­ [...]es lay us open to Envy, at others to Con­ [...]empt, and in the End eclipse even that Merit [...] are really Masters of. From this Conside­ [...]tion, when I was a very young Fellow, how­ [...]er desirous I might be of being distinguished [...] the World, I kept a strict Guard upon my [...]anity, resolved to content my self with pas­ [...]ng through the ordinary Forms and Methods [...]f rising into Repute, and at due Distance of [Page 98] Time took my several Degrees in Conversa­tion. At first setting out, it was my constant Rule to pay a Deference to as many as had any Pretence to it, to smile modestly when they were pleased to be facetious, and often stand their Raillery, without offering to return it. It was not without some Difficulty that I got this Mastery of my self, in Spight of which, towards the latter End of an Evening, I now and then made an imprudent Sally, and endea­voured to be as sprightly as my Betters; but as it happened, I never said a good Thing over Night that was invidiously remember'd the next Morning: The Truth is, the Smallness of my Fortune laid some Restraint upon my Ge­nius. I seldom rightly enjoyed my self till the Reckoning was paid, and by this Means my Gaiety begun when that of other People was at an End. At length, by an habitual Dulness, and other innocent Arts in my Behaviour, I worked my self into the Esteem of my Ac­quaintance, and in something more than four Years was allowed to be one of the Company. Then it was that I began to exert my Talents, and by assuming every Day more and more, at length established an indisputable Authority in the World. Though the Impatience and Fire of Youth may suggest otherwise, these are certainly the Steps that lead safely to consum­mate Greatness, in whatever Form or Profession we aspire after it.

I am indeed of Opinion, that some Years of our Lives are in a Manner thrown away and lost by Means of a wrong Education; which nothing has more effectually convinced me of, than the great and early Improvements that my Friend Sam Trusty's Nephew, mentioned in one of my former Papers, has made under the particular Care and Direction of his Uncle: [Page 99] But till the same Method can be brought into general Practice, we must e'en take the World as we find it; we must submit to the Rules universally received, and instead of weighing our own Merits abstractedly, consider them as they are placed in Relation to, and Dependance upon, those about us. Amongst other Grada­tions necessary to be observed in Life, there is one which, for the Benefit of those who come Strangers to this City, I cannot but take No­tice of; that of Coffee-houses I mean, the Violation of which may otherwise lead them into many Inconveniencies and Indecorums. The following Letter, which came to Hand this Evening, has partly occasioned this Re­ [...]ection.

There seems to be a true English Spirit in the Resentment of my Correspondent; but if I might advise, he should let this Matter rest for the present. In less than three Winters I will un­dertake he shall be able to look the Enemy in the Face, provided he lives regular, and takes the Measures I prescribe. There is scarce any Part of the Town so destitute, where he may not find out a little Coffee-house to drink a Cup of Sage in every Morning, and peruse the Tatler as often as it comes out. Here I confine him for Two Months: If in that Time he can compass to have a Place kept for him by the Fire, to talk without being contradicted, and to read my Paper to the Company, he shall then, by Vertue of a Pass from Charles Lillie, be allowed the Liberty of the Rainbow near Temple-Bar; there to continue till the Booksel­lers thereabouts have found him out for a Wit, and employed him in some Libel against the late or present Ministry. He will of Course pass afterwards to the Grecian, and may (if he thinks fit) call in at Tom's in Devereux-Court. It will by this Time be proper that he should make himself a new Suit of Clothes. I could [Page 101] wish they might not be too gay, which will by no Means become a Person whom I am con­ducting through the World. According to the best Calculation I can make, he will, by De­cember the 18th, Anno Domini 1712. arrive at Will's, where, if he is capable of further Im­provement, he may soon furnish himself with good Sense, Politicks, and good Manners e­nough to carry him through the rest of his Journey, and set him upon an equal Foot with the Inhabitants of St. James's Coffee-house, White's, or the Cocoa-Tree.

THose inferior Duties of Life which the French call les petite Morale, or the smal­ler Morals, are with us distinguished by the Name of good Manners or Breeding. This I look upon, in the general Notion of it, to be a Sort of artificial good Sense, adapted to the meanest Capacities, and introduced to make Mankind easy in their Commerce with each o­ther. Low and little Understandings, without some Rules of this Kind, would be perpetually wandring into a Thousand Indecencies and Ir­regularities in Behaviour, and in their ordinary Conversation fall into the same boisterous Fa­miliarities that one observes amongst them when a Debauch has quite taken away the Use of their Reason. In other Instances it is odd to consider, that for Want of common Discre­tion the very End of good Breeding is wholly perverted, and Civility, intended to make us easy, is employed in laying Chains and Fet­ters upon us, in debarring us of our Wishes, [Page 103] and in crossing our most reasonable Desires and Inclinations. This Abuse reigns chiefly in the Country, as I found to my Vexation, when I was last there, in a Visit I made to a Neigh­bour about Two Miles from my Cousin. As soon as I enter'd the Parlour, they forced me into the great Chair that stood close by a huge Fire, and kept me there by Force till I was al­most stifled. Then a Boy came in great Hurry to pull off my Boots, which I in vain opposed, urging that I must return soon after Dinner. In the mean Time the good Lady whispered her eldest Daughter, and slipped a Key into her Hand. She returned instantly with a Beer Glass half full of Aqua Mirabilis and Syrrup of Gillyflowers. I took as much as I had a Mind for, but Madam vowed I should drink it off, (for she was sure it would do me Good after coming out of the cold Air) and I was forced to obey, which absolutely took away my Sto­mach. When Dinner came in, I had a Mind to sit at a Distance from the Fire; but they told me, it was as much as my Life was worth, and set me with my Back just against it. Tho' my Appetite was quite gone, I resolved to force down as much as I could, and desired the Leg of a Pullet. Indeed, Mr. Bickerstaff, says the Lady, you must eat a Wing to oblige me, and so put a Couple upon my Plate. I was persecuted at this Rate during the whole Meal. As often as I called for Small Beer, the Master tipped the Wink, and the Servant brought me a Brimmer of October. Some Time after Din­ner I ordered my Cousin's Man who came with me to get ready the Horses; but it was resol­ved I should not stir that Night; and when I seemed pretty much bent upon going, they or­dered the Stable Door to be locked, and the Children hid away my Cloak and Boots. The [Page 104] next Question was, what I would have [...] Supper. I said I never eat any Thing at Nigh [...] but was at last in my own Defence obliged t [...] name the first Thing that came into my Head [...] After Three Hours spent chiefly in Apology fo [...] my Entertainment, insinuating to me, ‘"Tha [...] this was the worst Time of the Year for Pro­visions, that they were at a great Distance from any Market, that they were afraid I should be starved, and they knew they kept me to my Loss"’, the Lady went, and left me to her Husband (for they took special Care I should never be alone). As soon as her Back was turned, the little Misses ran backwards and forwards every Moment, and constantly as they came in or went out, made a Courtefie directly at me, which in good Manners I was forced to return with a Bow, and, Your humble Servant pretty Miss. Exactly at Eight the Mo­ther came up, and discovered by the Redness of her Face that Supper was not far off. It was twice as large as the Dinner, and my Per­secution doubled in Proportion. I desired at my usual Hour to go to my Repose, and was conducted to my Chamber by the Gentleman, his Lady, and the whole Train of Children. They importuned me to drink something be­fore I went to Bed, and upon my refusing, at last left a Bottle of Stingo, as they called it, for Fear I should wake and be thirsty in the Night. I was forced in the Morning to rise and dress my self in the Dark, because they would not suffer my Kinsman's Servant to disturb me at the Hour I had desired to be called. I was now resolved to break through all Measures to get away, and after sitting down to a mon­strous Breakfast of cold Beef, Mutton, Neats Tongues, Venison Pasty, and Stale Beer, took Leave of the Family; but the Gentleman would [Page 105] needs see me Part of my Way, and carry me a short Cut through his own Grounds, which, he told me, would save half a Mile's Riding. This last Piece of Civility had like to have cost me dear, being once or twice in Danger of my Neck, by leaping over his Ditches, and at last forced to alight in the Dirt, when my Horse, having slip'd his Bridle, ran away, and took us up more than an Hour to recover him a­gain.

It is evident that none of the Absurdities I met with in this Visit proceeded from an ill Intention, but from a wrong Judgment of Complaisance, and a Misapplication of the Rules of it. I cannot so easily excuse the more refined Criticks upon Behaviour, who having professed no other Study, are yet infinitely de­fective in the most material Parts of it. Ne [...] Fashion has been bred all his Life about Court, and understands to a Tittle all the Punctilio's of a Drawing-Room. He visits most of the fine Women near St. James's, and upon all Oc­casions says the civilest and softest Things to them of any Man breathing. To Mr. Isaac he owes an easie Slide in his Bow, and a graceful Manner of coming into a Room. But in some other Cases he is very far from being a well­bred Person: He laughs at Men of far superior Understanding to his own, for not being as well dressed as himself, despises all his Ac­quaintance that are not Quality, and in publick Places has on that Account often avoided ta­king Notice of some of the best Speakers in the House of Commons. He rails strenuously at both Universities before the Members of either, and never is heard to swear an Oath, or break in upon Morality or Religion, but in the Com­pany of Divines. On the other Hand, a Man of right Sense has all the Essentials of good [Page 106] Breeding, though he may be wanting in the Forms of it. Horatio has spent most of his Time at Oxford. He has a great deal of Learning, an agreeable Wit, and as much Modesty as serves to adorn without concealing his other good Qualities. In that retired Way of Living he seems to have formed a Notion of humane Na­ture, as he has found it described in the Wri­tings of the greatest Men, not as he is like to meet with it in the common Course of Life. Hence it is, that he gives no Offence, that he converses with great Deference, Candor, and Humanity. His Bow, I must confess, is some­what aukward; but then he has an extensive, universal, and unaffected Knowledge, which makes some Amends for it. He would make no extraordinary Figure at a Ball; but I can as­sure the Ladies in his Behalf, and for their own Consolation, that he has writ better Verses on the Sex than any Man now living, and is pre­paring such a Poem for the Press as will trans­mit their Praises and his own to many Genera­tions.

THE Concern I have for the Errors of Mankind in general, does sensibly abate or increase in Proportion to the Rank and Quality of those who fall under my Observation. For this Reason I can never suffer a Coronet to pass me without enquiring whom it belongs to, and whether it be worn in a Manner suitable to so honourable a Distinction. I can say with a great deal of Truth, that I am commonly an­swered to my Satisfaction: When it happens otherwise, I carry my Enquiry yet further, and inform my self with the greatest Exactness ima­ginable, whether the Misfortune of Complexion, or that of Education, has chiefly contributed to eclipse the Lustre, and defeat the Advantages, of a high and noble Descent. Many Failures I find chargeable on the former, but they are not so numerous, nor of so dangerous a Nature, as [Page 108] those which result from the latter, being only such Tendencies of the Mind as, by early Care and proper Application, might have been culti­vated and improved into useful and generous Qualifications. It is therefore of the last Impor­tance, as well to the future Happiness of our young Nobility, as to that of a Nation in great Measure depending on them; that their Genius should be nicely observed, their Capacity im­proved, and a right Turn given to their Under­standing. To effect this, I have sometimes had it in my Head to write a Treatise with Dire­ctions to Tutors or Governors in the Discharge of so weighty an Employment; but being cre­dibly informed that they were a Sort of People who had little Opinion of any Body's Wisdom but their own, I was discouraged from that Undertaking, and obliged to pursue other Measures. I have within this Twelvemonth made a Coffee-house Acquaintance with as ma­ny of them as I could, and now and then over a Dish of Tea enquired into the Schemes and Methods they have laid down for the Manage­ment of their Pupils. The first I happened up­on, is a grave, sober, and discreet Person, turn­ed of Fifty, his Countenance somewhat formi­dable, and his Conversation extremely rigid and severe. He has by some Means or other seen the Outsides of most of the Courts in Eu­rope, and got a Smattering in the Languages; but having no Taste of polite Learning, nor a­ny Insight into humane Nature, he is much better qualified to wait in an Ante-room, or keep the Accounts of the Family he belongs to, than to conduct the Hopes of it into the World. He has often told me with great Pride and Sa­tisfaction, ‘"That he has his young Lord in as much Subjection as a Footboy, That he of [Page 109] Course denies him every Thing he has a Mind to, and that in the Midst of his Diver­sion he can make him tremble with a Frown."’ Such is the Love of Tyranny in mean and nar­row Spirits, even in the lowest Circumstance of Power. Another of them sets up for a fine Gentleman, and is a Pedant in taking Pains to be otherwise. He has a Notion that Letters are but a poor Accomplishment for a Man of Quality, that a good Air, and being furiously of a Party, are sufficient Distinctions for one that is born to many others; and therefore in­dulges the Youth under his Care in an immo­derate Love of Dogs, Horses, Plays, Gallantry, and all Manner of Entertainments. At Lei­sure Hours he flatters him with an Opinion of his Superiority to the common Level of Mankind, and strictly cautions him against entertaining the least Regard for the Scum and Dregs of the People. What a Patriot, Hero, and Counsellor, may we hope for from so extraordinary an Education! A Third, whom I suffer indeed to visit me now and then, seems to have a better Sense of his Duty in this Station than either of the others. Knowing that I am a great Lover of Chil­dren, he one Day brought his Pupil, who is very young, to my Lodgings. He had long promised him, I found, that he would carry him to wait upon Mr. Bickerstaff; and I do not remember, that I was ever so well pleased with being pointed at in Publick, as I was with the particular Survey this little Boy took of me. After this Curiosity was pretty well over, he seemed willing to enter into Conversation, in which he acquitted himself with the utmost good Manners, and a manly Turn of Wit very disproportioned to his Years. I could perceive [Page 110] he had a great Mind to be talking of the Tat­lers, and I on Purpose led him into it. He made some very surprising Remarks upon several of them, and with an agreeable Freedom ask'd me the Meaning of others that he did not under­stand. I begged his little Lordship to accept of the Volumes I had by me, and in Return he desired my Leave to be a Subscriber for the next. Ever now and then I had my Eye upon his Tutor, and could perceive in him an inex­pressible Pleasure for the good Behaviour of his Charge.

I could not help taking him aside soon after, and telling him, that I almost envy'd him the Happiness of having so fine a Genius in his Hands: ‘"Go on Sir, says I, to cultivate and improve it, and by that Means be an Instru­ment of publick Good to your Country. You will never, perhaps, have it in your Power to act in a more meritorious Capacity. Think only what a Pleasure it will be to you, to see this young Gentleman hereafter at the Head of an Army, or managing a Debate in the most illustrious Assembly in the World. Be­lieve me, you will in a great Measure partake his Glory, and act as it were by Proxy in whatever Station his Merit shall advance him to If I can form any Judgment of him at these Years, you will from his future Grati­tude and Esteem receive the Fruits of the ut­most Pains you can bestow upon him. He will consider you almost in the highest Rela­tion, and next to the Persons that gave him Life, will love and honour one that pointed out to him the Use and End of his Being.'’

THough I seldom eat out of my own Lodg­ings, I was prevailed on the other Day to dine with some Friends at the Rummer in Queen-street. A Physician, who was engaged to be of the Party, staying somewhat beyond the Time, Sam Trusty would needs have me go with him into the Kitchen, and see how Mat­ters went there. I would have excused my self, fearing lest the Heat of the Place, and the Steam of the several Dishes, should have taken away my Stomach; but he assured me, that Mr. Brawn had an Art (beyond other Cooks) of making his Customers more hungry by the Sight of his Kitchen. I was indeed very much pleased and surprised with the extraordinary Splendor and Oeconomy I observed there, but above all, with the great Readiness and Dex­terity of the Man himself. His Motions were quick, but not preeipitate: He in an Instant applied himself from one Stove to another without the least Appearance of a Hurry, and in the Midst of Smoak and Fire preserved an [Page 112] incredible Serenity of Countenance. By thi [...] Time the Doctor was come, and made a Thousand Apologies for being so late. He assure [...] us, by the great Powers above, that nothin [...] should have kept him but the extreme Dange [...] of Two or Three of his Patients. We easil [...] believed him, knowing his uncommon Te [...] derness for those under his Care, and [...] the same Time the Multiplicity of his Pr [...] ctice, without the least Affectation to make [...] Shew of it. This Gentleman, after we h [...] dined, was obliged to give Audience to severa [...] Apothecaries, that came to him with differen [...] Cases from all Parts of the Town. Havin [...] some Knowledge of Physick, I took the Libert [...] of looking over his Bills as he writ them [...] which he did with wonderful Quickness, an [...] seeming Inadvertency, entertaining us all th [...] while with an incoherent, but agreeable Co [...] versation. Notwithstanding the great Numbe [...] of Distempers, the infinite Variety of thei [...] Symptoms, and the Ignorance of those who represented them, he enter'd into them all with an incredible Penetration, and without omit­ting one Drug that was proper, or inserting one that was otherwise, dispatched more Prescrip­tions to the Purpose in Three Quarters of and Hour, than Dr. Ebony has done in Twenty Years of his Life. It being now towards S [...] of the Clock, it was proposed that we should go and see Love for Love, which was to be played that Night in Drury-Lane. I cannot say but this excellent Comedy was tolerably well performed; but I shall be very cautious for the future how I bestow any Commendations on this or that particular Player, since I find by Experience they have not Judgment enough to support the Weight of them: One, whom I [Page 113] [...]owed to be an admirable Buffoon, having [...]on that Foot set up for a Critick; and ano­ [...]r, from being encouraged by me, to attempt [...]e Part of Othello, having ever since considered [...]mself and very lately acted, in the Capacity [...] a Hero. I sate with great Attention during [...]e whole Entertainment, and could not but [...]serve, notwithstanding the great Diversity of [...]aracters that are blended in it, how exactly [...]e Distinctions of each were preserved thro' [...]e whole, and that no one Person, from the [...]ginning to the End, spoke a Sentence that [...]uld properly have been put into the Mouth of [...]y other. As soon as the Play was over, I [...]apped my self warm in my Cloak, and wal­ [...]d directly to my Lodgings. As I was recol­ [...]cting how I had spent the Day, it came into [...]y Head that there was a very great Analogy [...] Resemblance between the necessary Qualifi­ [...]tions of a Physician, a Cook, and those of a [...]ramatick Writer. For the first of these, if we [...]nsider him in the Hurry of his Business, with [...]s Head full of Materia Medica, hard Names [...] Distempers, and unspeakable Terms of Ana­ [...]my, in these whimsical Circumstances, I say, [...] what fatal Consequence might the least Over­ [...]ght prove? For Instance: Should he chance [...] prescribe Catechu, Calaminaris, and Ostiocolla, [...]stead of Fenugreek Seed, and Treacle of Andro­ [...]achus, to one in an Erisipelatous Feaver; in­ [...]ead of Compound Bryony Water, and Langius's [...]ntiepileptick, a Decoction of Bist [...]rt [...], or an [...]uthropapaverous Cataplasm, in the Paroxysns [...]f an Apoplexy, the Patient is lost, and what [...] much worse, his Reputation ruined for ever. [...]he Province of a Cook is no less difficult and [...]erplexing; heated as he is, and confounded [...]ith the manifold Demands of those about [...]m, he must be sure not to mistake his Ingre­dients, [Page 114] nor the exact Proportion of them. N [...] he must dip in Pepper, now in sliced Pipp [...] then in Pritaches, Troufles, Morelles, Gooseberri [...] Spinage, or Barberries: One Moment he atte [...] on Olio, the next on Oysters in Staffado, Eggs [...] la-Hugenotte; and in the Midst of all these A [...] fairs, must be at Leisure to give proper and [...] rect Answers to Fifty Questions at once. [...] no less necessary that he should have a gre [...] Command of the Terms of his Art: He bre [...] a Deer, rears a Goose, [...]aches a Curlew, all [...] a Pheasant, splays a Bream, sides a Haddock, t [...] a Barbel, tranches a Sturgeon, barbs a Lobster, &c The Poet remains to be considered: He inde [...] composes at Leisure, and is less open to f [...] quent Interruptions than either of the for [...] But then the Tastes and Constitutions he is [...] consult are no less Difficult, and his Work of [...] more refined and delicate Nature. The infi [...] Variety of his own Thoughts, is to him what [...] Crowd of People are to the others. He fin [...] himself engaged, perhaps, with a Dozen [...] Fourteen Persons, in a great Measure the Crea­tures of his own Imagination, each of which [...] is to furnish with what is exactly proper to their Character, and no more; and to conduct them in the same Figure and Station to the End of his Design. This requires a ready Genius, and a close Attention, otherwise he will fall into gross Errors, and often apply his Wit and Hu­mour in the wrong Place. It is for this Rea­son, that I, for my own Part, would as soon propose to eat luxuriously in a Cellar, or apply my self for a Cure to Dr. Ebony in a dangerous Illness, as hope to be entertained to my Satis­faction by most of our modern Dramatick Per­formances.

DOctor Proteus, of Wadham College in Ox­ford, whose Letter I inserted in the Tat­ [...]er Numb. 9. is at last come to Town. The Whim of the Foot-ball went off upon the Breaking of the Frost, when that violent Exercise natu­ [...]ally ceases. The poor Man is mighty sensible of the Condition he has been in, and is so far from being proud of the Spleen, that he is re­solved to leave no lawful Means untry'd to get rid of it. He looks very ill indeed, and I fear [...]t will be next to impossible to effect a perfect Cure, since by the Account he gives me it has run in the Family for some Time. His Father had this Misfortune so very young, that he was a Kit when he was a meer Stripling, and after­wards became in his riper Age a very grave and worthy Hum-drum, or Bass-Viol; in which Capacity, (or rather Case) he served his Country (being at the same Time a Justice of the Peace) for several Years, and at last died in it. Of Seven virtuous Ladies that were his Aunts, Six lived and died Virginals. However [Page 116] as Art finds Means, according to the Observation of the most ingenious Author of the Plaister for Corns, I told the Doctor, if he woul [...] apply himself to the famous Aesculapius, [...] should be very glad of joining with him, in or­der to re-establish his Health. Accordingly he went Yesterday to wait upon him. But I was very much surprized when, upon his coming to me again in the Evening. I found he had not received the Satisfaction we both expected from the Assistance of so celebrated a Physician. ‘' Mr. Bickerstaff, (said he to me with a deject­ed Countenance) I have been to see my old Friend Aesculapius. I found with him a young Man whom I took at first to have been a Pa­tient; for he looked sadly. At his going out, I heard the Doctor say, Either forbear to use those Powders, or see my Face no more. Ah! old Friend, said he, upon Sight of me, this ex­travagant Boy will certainly undo me. Have I walked up so many Pair of Stairs to get a little Money together, to have this young Fellow spend it at Twopence a Day for Powder for his Hair? Come sit down, let me know what it is brings you to Town. I told him my Case in as few Words as I could, to which he answered with a melancholy Look, That he was not at all surprised at it, since he was but too sensible of his having formerly been a Football himself; and to let me know what strange Impressions the Mind of Man is capable of, he assured me, That a certain Gentleman in this Town me long ago took his Face for a Spitting Pot. I was no less startled at what he said, than at what I afterwards observed. We were no sooner seated, but looking on his Watch, he started up again, and cried, Adso! we must think of Dinner: Then stepping into the next Room, he fetched from thence a String. Ha­ving [Page 117] fasten'd one End of it to a Nail over his Chimney, he tied a Leg of Mutton to the o­ther, and giving it a Twirl, began a long Complaint of the melancholy Circumstances he found himself in. He told me, Every Body thought him vastly rich, but they did not know what the Expences of Life were. Then giving his Mutton another Twirl, 'Tis true, says he, I have Fourscore Thousand Pounds in the Funds; but if a Man did not take Care to dress hit [...] Dinner, he might be poisoned for all that. So desiring me to reach him the Flower-Box, Doctor, says he, What do you think gilding a Chariot might stand me in? Sir, said I, What need you trouble your self about that? All the World knows— All the World may know what they please, replied he, but you will see me want before I die. However, says he, I think it would do no Harm if we had a Dripping-pan now; Pray give the Box a shake, Doctor, whilst I step and fetch it. You must not take it ill that I put you upon these Offices, there are but few Friends I can trust to do them for me. He went on, Do you love French Wine? I believe you may; I did once my self: But let me tell you, That White Port is not only the cheapest, but the best Wine now about Town. Here I interrupted him, and desired he would think a little of my Case. Why, suppose, says he, you went to the Bath? I have been there formerly. Or what if you took a Lodging about Hammersmith? Or else met me at Tom 's to Morrow? I perceived it was much the same which of the Three I did, or whether I did any of them or no; so I e'en took my Leave, and came away. Judge you, Mr. Bickerstaff, whether this Gentleman is able to do any Good, as the Case stands between him and me.’

[Page 118] As I was preparing to make some very s [...] ous Reflections on the fantastical Humours [...] this great Man, a Porter knocked at my Do [...] and told me, I must by all Means come [...] to the Royal-Oak in Essex-street, and at the s [...] Time delivered me the following Letter:

THE Dignity and Distinction of Men of Wit is seldom enough considered, either by themselves or others; their own Behaviour, and the Usage they meet with, being generally very much of a Piece. I have at this Time in my Hands an Alphabetical List of the Beaux Esprits about this Town, Four or Five of whom have made the proper Use of their Genius, by gaining the Esteem of the best and greatest Men, and by turning it to their own Advantage in some Establishment of their Fortunes, how­ever unequal to their Merit; others satisfying themselves with the Honour of having Access to great Tables, and of being subject to the Call of every Man of Quality, who upon Occasion wants one to say witty Things for the Diver­sion of the Company. This Treatment never moves my Indignation so much as when it is practised by a Person, who though he owes his [Page 122] own Rise purely to the Reputation of his Part [...] yet appears to be as much ashamed of it, as [...] rich City Knight to be denominated from t [...] Trade he was first apprenticed to, and affec [...] the Air of a Man born to his Titles, and consequently above the Character of a Wit, or [...] Scholar. If those who possess great Endowments of the Mind would set a just Value upo [...] themselves, they would think no Man's Acquaintance whatsoever a Condescention, no [...] accept it from the greatest upon unworthy o [...] ignominious Terms. I know a certain Lord that has often invited a Set of People, and pro­posed for their Diversion a Buffoon Player, and an eminent Poet, to be of the Party; and which was yet worse, thought them both sufficiently recompenced by the Dinner, and the Honour of his Company. This Kind of Insolence is risen to such a Height, that I my self was the other Day sent to by a Man with a Title, whom I had never seen, desiring the Fa­vour that I would dine with him and half a Dozen of his select Friends. I found after­wards, the Footman had told my Maid below Stairs, that my Lord having a Mind to be mer­ry, had resolved right or wrong to send for ho­nest Isaac. I was sufficiently provoked with the Message; however I gave the Fellow no o­ther Answer, than that I believed he had mi­staken the Person, for I did not remember that his Lord had ever been introduced to me. I have Reason to apprehend that this Abuse hath been owing rather to a Meanness of Spirit in Men of Parts, than to the natural Pride or Ignorance of their Patrons. Young Students coming up to Town from the Places of their Education, are dazzled with the Grandeur they every where meet, and making too much Haste to distin­guish their Parts, instead of waiting to be desi­red [Page 123] and caressed, are ready to pay their Court at any Rate to a great Man, whose Name they have seen in a publick Paper, or the Frontis­piece of a Dedication. It has not always been thus; Wit in polite Ages has ever begot either Esteem or Fear: The Hopes of being celebra­ted, or the Dread of being stigmatized, pro­cured an universal Respect and Awe for the Persons of such as were allowed to have the Power of distributing Fame or Infamy where they pleased. Aretine had all the Princes of Europe his Tributaries, and when any of them had committed a Folly that laid them open to his Censure, they were forced by some Present extraordinary to compound for his Silence; of which there is a famous Instance on Record. When Charles the Fifth had miscarried in his African Expedition, which was looked upon as the weakest Undertaking of that great Empe­ror, he sent Aretine a Gold Chain, who made some Difficulty of accepting it, saying, It was too small a Present in all Reason for so great a Folly. For my own Part, in this Point I differ from him, and never could be prevailed upon, by any valuable Consideration, to conceal a Fault or a Folly since I first took the Censor­ship upon me.

Having long considered with my self the ill Application that some make of their Talents, I have this Day erected a Court of Alienation, by the Statutes of which the next a Kin is im­powered to beg the Parts and Understanding of any such Person as can be proved, either by imbezelling, making a wrong Use, or no Use at all of the said Parts and Understanding, not to know the true Value thereof: Who shall immediately be put out of Possession, and dis­qualified for ever; the said Kinsman giving sufficient Security that he will employ them as [Page 124] the Court shall direct. I have set down under certain Heads the several Ways by which M [...] prostitute and abuse their Parts, and from thence have framed a Table of Rules, whereby the Maintiff may be informed when he has a good Title to eject the Defendant. I may in a following Paper give the World some Account of the Proceedings of this Court. I have al­ready got Two able Criticks for my Assessors upon the Bench, who, though they have al­ways exercised their Pens in taking off from the Wit of others, have never pretended to challenge any themselves, and consequently are in no Danger of being engaged in making Claims, or of having any Suits commence a­gainst them. Every Writer shall be tried by his Peers, throughly vers'd in that Point where­in he pretends to excel; for which Reason the Jury can never consist of above half the ordi­nary Number, I shall in general be very tender how I put any Person out of his Wits; but as the Management of such Possessions is of great Consequence to the World, I shall hold my self obliged to vest the Right in such Hands as will answer the great Purposes they were intended for, and leave the former Proprietors to see their Fortune in some other Way.

I am informed here, that upon what I said in my Paper of Saturday last, relating to the late Performance of a Play called Love for Love, it will be again represented to Morrow. I have formerly done this Comedy the Honour of my Presence in a very publick Manner, and there­fore in Respect to my self, as well as to the Merit of That, do strictly command that there be a full Audience both now, and as often as it shall hereafter be played.

THE Court being seated, Silence made, &c. Mr. Critick Wordy, rising slowly from the Bench, spoke in the following Manner:

Here Mr. Critick Snap in­terrupted him, and said, ‘In short, Brother, let us proceed to Business: Every Body that comes here knows what he has to do.’

[Page 128] Then an Indictment was read against Jere [...] Wrangle, Batchelor of Arts, for that he the sa [...] Jeremy did some Nights ago take upon him, in the Company of several Officers of Her Majesty's Foot-Guards, to deny many plain and undeniable Consequences, under Pretence that the Arguments were not brought in Mood and Fi­gure, and that he could not find in them either Major, Minor, or Conclusion. The Plaintiff said, ‘'He had brought the Business into that Court as having no other Way of doing himself Right on one that professed to be a meer Scholar. As for Majors or Minors, why the Gentleman should twit him with them, he could not imagine, that he had served, and at that Time had his Commission for Lieute­nant-Colonel in his Pocket."’The Court, up­on a fair Hearing, ordered Mr. Wrangle to be divested of his Logick, which was bestowed on one Mr. Smart, an Ensign, nearly related to the Defendant, and then appearing in Court to put in his Claim. There was in an Instant a visible Alteration in each of their Faces: Jere­my's Pedantick Gravity disappeared, and his Cousin, the Soldier, walked out of Court with a becoming Seriousness in his Gate and Air.

Tobias Sternhold was next produced in Court by his Relations, who had obtained a Writ of Captias against him. They alledged, That ha­ving a Wife and large Family, which he might have maintained comfortably by his Industry, (he being a very good Clerk) he had neverthe­less given himself up wholly to the making of Things with Rhimes at the End of them, which he called Verses; and that he was come to that Pass at last, that he frequently writ his Orders and Warrants in that Way; insomuch that the Commissioners had threatned to turn him out, which, if it should happen, would [Page 129] [...]e to the utter Ruin of himself and poor Fami­ [...]y: Therefore they prayed the Assistance of the Court. He pretended to justify himself, by saying, That one Genius, by Name, had drawn him into it, and quoted the Examples of Ovid and Spencer, that could not resist the Instiga­tion of Poetry, producing likewise some In­stances of Rich Poets still living. Mr. Snap took him up short, and bad him not trifle with the Bench, telling him, ‘"If they writ Verses, it was in their own Coaches, or when they had nothing else to do."’ Then Sentence was passed upon him, ‘"That he should be Huska­naw'd, and his Penmanship put into the Hands of his Wife.'’

She immediately took down the Proceedings of the Court in Writing; upon which he fell into a violent Passion, and such a Torrent of Words followed, as plainly shewed they had exchanged Faculties with each other.

Then the Court was adjourn'd till the First of April next, which falling on Easter-Day will be kept the Monday following.

When this last Sentence was brought to me for my Confirmation, I very readily approved of it; and though I was aware that the Term of Huskanawing being a Word unknown in any of the Courts of Westminster, it might seem an Hardship upon a People jealous of their Rights and Liberties, to impose a new Sort of Punish­ment upon what has hitherto been scarce ac­counted a Crime: Nevertheless, out of the Plenitude of my Power, and of my own meer Motion and certain Science, I do ratify and confirm the said Sentence. But as I shall ne­ver [Page 130] extend the Prerogative of Censor of Great Britain to any unreasonable Bounds, nor use it at all, but for the Good of the People; so for the Quieting of their Minds from any Doubts which might arise concerning this new Word, I have thought it convenient to explain to them what it means.

It is a Custom amongst the West-Indians that border upon Virginia, for the Priests of the Country to elect a certain Number of the hope­fulest young Men, and of the best Families, to make the Operation of Huskanawing upon. When they have gather'd together Thirty or Forty of 'em they retire with them into the most inaccessible Parts of the Woods, where they build a large Stove, in which they sweat the young Men. They keep 'em to a very strange Diet, and their Drink is an odd Com­position of Indian Corn, and Juices of poiso­nous Herbs, which has such an Effect upon them, that they lose their Hair, their Nails, their Skins, and half of them their Lives, be­fore the Process be half over. They that have Strength enough to hold out till Thirty Days, are brought Home in great Triumph, and these are looked on as the Top Patriots of that Coun­try. This seems to me to be a very wise Insti­tution, and fit to be introduced in my own Country; for the Sweatings, Diet, Drugs and Drink which they have been used to, quite re­novate the Men, so that they come out without any Remembrance of their Parents, Country, Loves, Language, or even of their own Names. These are their Heroes, these their Counsellors, these their Ambassadors, these have the Ma­nagement of all their Publick Affairs, and are maintained at the Publick Charge. I must not omit, that 'tis almost impossible they should, after this Operation, retain any Regard for [Page 131] their former Studies, or in the least desire to return to them: If they should, they durst not own it, for Fear of being taken and Re­huskanaw'd.

A Writer who has the World under his Di­rection, cannot better employ his Interest and Authority, than in cultivating a good Cor­respondence between Men, and endeavouring to make them agreeable to each other. Not­withstanding the Pains I have taken this Way. I have Reason, from an Accident I met with, to believe I have not yet throughly effected so great and necessary a Work. Walking the Streets this Morning, I met a Gentleman of my Acquaintance who has the Honour to serve his Country in a very useful Capacity. Oh Mr. Bi [...] ­kerstaff, says he, you are luckily met; I w [...] your Advice upon a very extraordinary Occasion. You may command me, answered I, to the best of my Understanding; but 'tis a Rule with me, nei­ther to talk nor look wisely in the Street. Please [Page 132] only to walk into the next Coffee-house—By no Means, Sir, replied he, starting back [...] don't you know that some of the rankest—in Great Britain come thither?—Not I in good Truth, Sir; but if they do, I suppose there may be Room for us—Ay marry, (says he) and so there may be in the Dens at the Tower; for my Part I would as soon venture into one as the other. I immediately laughed out in his Face; upon which he turned away in great Indignation, and left me to reflect on so extra­ordinary a Behaviour.

I went on, and having a Curiosity to see these strange Creatures my Friend had spoke of, called in at the Place before-mentioned. I was indeed surprized at my Entrance to ob­serve the Eyes of the whole Herd turned upon me, a full Stop put to their Conversation, and their Dishes for some Time suspended in Mid-Air at a little Distance from their Lips. Turn­ing to the Gentleman at the Bar, I asked in a soft Tone for a Dish of Tea. There is none made, said he, in a very surly Man­ner— Pray then will you help me to a Dish of your Coffee?—You must stay till it is settled, re­plied he, if you will have any—I did so, and called for the Tatler—A pert Boy looked in my Face, and told me, They did not take it in since it had left off lashing the Party; I might have the Review, Observator, or the Spectator, if I pleased—In the mean Time the grave People round the Fire had a [...]ittle recovered their Confusion, and by their [...]hispering to each other, and then staring at me, gave me to understand that I was looked upon as a Spy, or at least an In­truder into select Company. One of them, more bold than the rest, seemed prepared to speak to me, and collected himself in a reso­lute [Page 133] Posture in order to it; but his Courage [...]iling, he sunk down into his Chair again, [...]d suffered me to pass unmolested to a Seat [...]ext the Chimney. A surly-looking Fellow, who seemed to be one of those who do not care a Farthing for any Body, sate opposite to me, and fixing his Eyes stedfastly upon me, threw out Three or Four of his main Principles in a Breath, expecting, as I suppo­sed, either my Dislike or Approbation of them. A young Gentleman next him, who, I observed, filled his Pipe, and reached the Tobacco-Tongs for him, assented with a Smile to what he said, and could not but wonder, that any Person should be so proposterous as to think otherwise, or so insipid as to conceal his Thoughts if he did.

The Calmness and invincible Silence with which I received all this Raillery, had like to have brought me into some Peril; for in less than a Quarter of an Hour the whole Fire-side was up in a Passion: Upon which I rose deli­berately from my Chair, laid a Couple of Pence without Noise upon the Bar, and stole out in the same State of Neutrality that I came in. I take it for granted, if I had fol­lowed my Friend to a Coffee-house of his chu­sing, I should have met with the same Treat­ment, only softened a little perhaps by the lucky Circumstance of being introduced by one of the same Society.

A Humour so absurd needs not any Anim­adversions. Follies of this Stamp are too glaring in their own Nature to suffer any Sa­tyr or Illustration upon them; to which, with some Alteration, may be applied those excel­lent Lines:

In like Manner the Embellishments of Ridi­cule are thrown away in Cases where a plain Narration does more effectually serve the Ends proposed by it.

I must not omit mentioning a good whim­fical Business that I accidentally met with in this Adventure. The Boy of the Coffee-house having put one or two of his politick Papers into my Hand, the Title of the Spectator, which I had never before seen or heard of, in­duced me to read it over in such a cursory Manner as that Kind of Writing requires. To­wards the End of the Paper, I found a Letter subscribed C— L—. After perusing it, I could not without Tears in my Eyes con­sider the deplorable Condition of this poor Man. The Case of Ned Prattin, Salesman, and that of this unfortunate Perfumer, bear some Resemblance; and I have but too much Reason to fear will both terminate in the wretch­ed Circumstances of Straw and a dark Room. Whether it be owing to the great Quantities of Snuff he has taken, or to Pride of Heart from the Encouragement I formerly gave him, it is certain that the latter has not for some Time been right in his Mind. His unaccount­able Usage of me when I went last into the Country, was the first Sally of his Distemper, [Page 135] which is now broke out into manifest Phrenzy. However unwilling I am to expose him in so publick a Manner, I must hereby warn all Persons whatsoever concerned about him not to trust a Penknife in his Hands, nor any In­strument wherewith he may do himself or o­thers a Mischief; that his Maid do every Night take off his Garters, and remove them far out of his Reach; that he be not permitted to drink out of a Glass, lest he should eat it; nor to feed on Fish, (although it be Lent) lest he should industriously choak himself with the Bones.

I would by no Means be misunderstood, as if what I here say were meant as any Reflection on Mr. Buckley's Paper. Any Gentleman in his Way may insert such Letters as come first to Hand, and I verily believe That I speak of to be Charles's own Writing. Only I cannot help cautioning Mr. Buckley against suffering his Correspondents to direct any of their Ad­vices to the said Mr. Lillie; for who knows but in his mad Fit he may set up a Daily Paper up­on that Foot, and, by giving it out in his Bills that he sells Three Thousand a Day, come into as much Reputation as the Spectator him­self? For my own Part, as I observe some little Glimmering of a Genius in that Writer, I shall be very willing to encourage him in his Studies. For the present, let him make Use of the following Motto's, as he shall find Occasion, and I will hereafter take Care that he shall want for nothing that is fit for him.

THE Humour of Duelling having lately very much obtained about Town, I have taken more than ordinary Pains to put a Stop to it. To this End, I have been obliged to ap­pear frequently at most of the Gaming-houses, both the Theatres, and at Punch's Opera. At the latter of these Entertainments, notwith­standing my Presence, there happened one Evening some Advances towards a Quarrel, when Punch, with great Resolution of Body, coming forwards upon the Stage, ask'd the Gentlemen, If they were not ashamed to commit such Disorders before himself and the Censor of Great Britain; For which Instance of Respect, I shall ever honour and esteem that incompa­rable Player. At the Request of my good [Page 138] Friend Mrs. Man, I sit here now and then fo [...] Two or Three Hours together to keep th [...] Peace, and shall continue to do so till the Officers are gone over; the Value of whose Lives I understand much better than they do them­selves, and therefore am resolved to preserve them, though I should incur their Displeasure by doing it, for the Service of their Queen and Country, and the common Interest of Europe. Spending so much of my Time at this Place, I shall be obliged now and then to date my Paper from hence, and my Correspondents may, if they please, for a Week or Ten Days direct their Letters hither.

That which follows has lain in my Hands some Time, though, for the great Candor and good Nature express'd in it, I ought to have taken Notice of it much sooner.

My best Way of answering this Letter, is to insert Part of the Poem mentioned therein, more of which shall hereafter be publish'd in this Paper.

MY other Correspondents will excuse me, if I give the Precedency to a Lady, whose Letter, amongst many more, is just come to Hand.

It is natural for a Man who receives a Fa­vour of this Kind from an unknown Fair, to frame immediately some Idea of her Person which being suited to the Opinion we have of our own Merit, is commonly as beautiful and perfect as the most lavish Imagination can fur­nish out. Strongly possessed with these No­tions, I have read over Sylvia's Billet; and not­withstanding the Reserve I have had upon this Matter, am resolved to go a much greater Length than I yet ever did in making my self known to the World, and in particular to my charming Correspondent. In order to it I must premise, That the Person produced as mine in the Play-house last Winter did in no wise ap­pertain to me. It was such a one however as agreed well with the Impression my Wri­tings had made, and served the Purpose I in­tended it for; which was to continue the Awe and Reverence due to the Character I was vest­ed with, and at the same Time to let my Ene­mies see how much I was the Delight and Fa­vourite of this Town. This innocent Imposture, which I have all along taken Care to carry on as it then was of some Use, has since been of singular Service to me, and by being mentioned in one of my Papers, effectually recovered my Egoiety out of the Hands of some Gentlemen who endeavoured to wrest it from me. This is saying, in short, what I am not: What I am, and have been for many Years, is next to be explained. Here it will not be improper to re­mind Sylvia, that there was formerly such a [Page 145] [...]losopher as Pythagoras, who, amongst other [...]ctrines, taught the Transmigration of Souls, [...]ich, if she sincerely believes, she will not [...] much startled at the following Relation:

I will not trouble her, nor my other Rea­ [...]rs, with the Particulars of all the Lives I [...]ve successively passed through since my first [...]trance into mortal Being, which is now ma­ [...] Centuries ago. It is enough that I have in [...]ery one of them opposed my self with the ut­ [...]st Resolution to the Follies and Vices of the [...]veral Ages I have been acquainted with, that [...]ave often rallied the World into good Man­ [...]s, and kept the greatest Princes in Awe of [...]y Satyr. There is one Circumstance which I [...]all not omit, though it may seem to reflect on [...]y Character, I mean that infinite Love of [...]hange which has ever appeared in the Dispo­ [...]d of my Existence. Since the Days of the [...]mperor Trajan I have not been confined to the [...]me Person for Twenty Years together; but [...]ve passed from one Abode to another much [...]icker than the Pythagorean System generally [...]lows. By this Means I have seldom had a [...]dy to my self, but have lodged up and down [...]herever I found a Genius suitable to my own. [...] this Manner I continued, some Time with [...]e Top Wit of France, at another with That of [...]aly, who had a Statue erected to his Memory [...] Rome. Towards the End of the 17th Cen­ [...]ry I set out for England; but the Gentleman [...] came over in dying as soon as he got to [...]ore, I was obliged to look out again for a [...]ew Habitation. It was not long before I met [...]ith one to my Mind, for having mix'd my self [...]visibly with the Literati of this Kingdom, I [...]und it was unanimously agreed amongst [...]em, That no Body was indowed with greater [...]alents than Hiere [...]s; or, consequently, would [Page 146] be better pleased with my Company. I slip [...] down his Throat one Night as he was fa [...] asleep, and the next Morning, as soon as [...] awak'd, he fell to writing a Treatise that w [...] received with great Applause, tho' he had t [...] Modesty not to set his Name to that nor to an [...] other of our Productions. Some Time aft [...] he publish'd a Paper of Predictions, whic [...] were translated into several Languages, an [...] alarmed some of the greatest Princes in Europ [...] To these he prefixed the Name of Isaac Bickerstaff Esq which I have been extremely fon [...] of ever since, and have taken Care that mo [...] of the Writings I have been concerned [...] should be distinguished by it; though I mu [...] observe, that there have been many Counte [...] feits imposed upon the Publick by this Mean [...] This extraordinary Man being called out of t [...] Kingdom by Affairs of his own, I resolve [...] however to continue somewhat longer in [...] Country where my Works had been so we [...] received, and accordingly bestowed my se [...] with Hilario. His natural Wit, his lively Tu [...] of Humour, and great Penetration into h [...] mane Nature, easily determined me to th [...] Choice, the Effects of which were soon afte [...] produced in this Paper, called, The Tatler. [...] know not how it happened, but in less tha [...] Two Years Time Hilario grew weary of m [...] Company, and gave me Warning to be gon [...] In the Height of my Resentment I cast m [...] Eyes on a young Fellow, of no extraordina [...] Qualifications, whom for that very Reason [...] had the more Pride in taking under my D [...] rection, and enabling him by some Means [...] other to carry on the Work I was before e [...] gaged in. Lest he should grow too vain upo [...] this Encouragement, I to this Day keep hi [...] under due Mortification. I seldom reside wi [...] [Page 147] [...]m when any of his Friends are at Leisure to [...]ceive me, by whose Hands however he is du­ [...] supplied. As I have passed through many [...]cenes of Life, and a long Series of Years, I [...]oose to be considered in the Character of an [...]d Fellow, and take Care that those under my [...]fluence should speak consonantly to it. This [...]ccount, I presume, will give no small Conso­ [...]tion to Sylvia, who may rest assured, That [...]aac Bickerstaff is to be seen in more Forms [...]an she dream'd of; out of which Variety she [...]ay choose what is most agreeable to her Fan­ [...]y. On Tuesdays, he is sometimes a black pro­ [...]er young Gentleman, with a Mole on his left Cheek. On Thursdays, a decent well looking Man, of a middle Stature, long flaxen Hair, [...]nd a florid Complexion. On Saturdays, he is somewhat of the shortest, and may be known from others of that Size by Talking in a low Voice, and passing through the Streets without much Precipitation.

TO be sensibly touched with the Distres [...] and Misfortunes of other Men, is such [...] Weakness, if it be one, as I would not pa [...] with to be Author of all the Refinements th [...] Mr. Rochefaucaut has made upon it. Instead [...] stifling this tender Disposition of the Mind, [...] have ever cherished it in my self, and cann [...] forgive the Want of it in any one else. Ph [...] sicians and others, whose constant Business li [...] amongst the Infirmities or Disasters of huma [...] Nature, seem to have the best Plea for th [...] Deficiency in this Point; a long Course [...] Practice in that Way naturally wearing out [...] Impressions that at first arise from it. Hipp [...] crates however, as he is the greatest Man [...] his Profession, excels no less in Humanity, a [...] an insuperable Compassion for the Pains a [...] Misery of his Patients. This I admire him f [...] as well as for many other good Qualities. E [...] pir [...] who has little Employment, and l [...] Understanding, gives himself an Air of Negl [...] and Disrega [...]d for the severest Tortures tha [...] D [...]temper and his own Mismanagement o [...] [Page 149] [...]an inflict. He speaks of a Man in his last [...]oments, as of one that was going to take the [...]r in Hide-Park, and talks over the Convul­ [...]ons of a fine Woman with more Indifference [...]an he would mention her last Appearance in [...]e Boxes; for which, and being an Atheist, [...]e expects the Applause of the Company. This Affectation of Inhumanity is no less shocking when applied to other Circumstances of Life; and yet I am well satisfied, that some Persons are at more Pains to make themselves Masters of it, than others to arrive at the highest Pitch of Virtue, Generosity, and good Nature. It were otherwise impossible that an easy Fortune, a happy Constitution, and in short all the Ad­vantages of Life, should strip Men of those Qualities, which, at the same Time that they were highly beneficial to the rest of Mankind, would reflect the truest Honour; and the most exalted Satisfaction on themselves. Amongst the many Refinements upon Pleasure which this polite Age has produced, it is a Wonder to me that so few have hit upon that of Relieving the Poor. This may sound very harsh in the Ears of a fine Gentleman, but most certain it is, that the least Reflection would furnish him with the same Observation. Were it possible for such a one to enter into all the disinai Cir­cumstances of Want, Poverty and D [...]ress, and to consider how far it may be in his Power to remove them, he would be content perhaps to part with some of his present Enjoyments, or rather, to [...]xchange them for those of a more exquisite Nature.

The immediate Occasion of my speaking on this Subject, is a Family that I happened [...]pon in my Walks about Two Days [...] Pa [...]g through an Alley in the City, I [...] the [...]ry of some little Children, which was so v [...] y [Page 150] loud and importunate, that I could not forb [...] looking in at the House where it was. [...] biggest of them immediately running to [...] Door, fell upon her Knees, and intreated [...] God's Sake that I would give her something [...] keep her Mother from Starving: Upon whi [...] I step'd in, and found, that this poor Wom [...] was the Parent of Seven Children, who [...] stood about her, and as many of them as w [...] capable of any Impression, seemed more sol [...] citous for her Relief than their own; tho' ev [...] ry one of them appear'd faint with Hung [...] and ready to drop upon the Spot. The Fath [...] it seems, was very lately dead, and the Expe [...] ces of his Sickness and Funeral had strip'd the [...] poor Creatures of the few Necessaries he h [...] left behind him. I have since recommend [...] their Case to a Lady of Quality, whose extr [...] ordinary Goodness makes her esteem an Offi [...] of that Kind the greatest Obligation that c [...] be laid upon her. Distresses of the same So [...] are more frequent than is generally believe [...] In order to redress which, I must first of a [...] apply my self to the Fair Sex, and beg the [...] for that Purpose, to retrench many of their u [...] necessary Expences, which I shall otherwise [...] obliged to expose in a very publick Manner.

So bright an Example will not fail to infl [...] ence the rest of the World, and when th [...] great Work is in any Measure effected, th [...] Thanks of many Thousands shall be solemnl [...] returned them by the Hands of Isaac Bicke [...] staff Esq

IT is certainly very unreasonable that a Man, because he has some Wit, should set up for having more than all the rest of the World. Be­sides the Folly of such a Presumption, there is an Inconvenience which naturally attends it: When one Man seems to grow into a great Estate in Fame from Nothing, other People are apt to enquire into his Title. The discerning Part of Mankind will be allowed upon such an Occasion to take from him what is not his Due without the Imputation of Detraction. Let Hilario be pleasant, and let some of his Friends have Wit; But does it naturally follow from thence that he is a Philosopher? And that it is the Effect of Envy not to allow him all those Excellencies he and they think he has?

Envy is a Vice of such a detestable and per­nicious Nature, that I would have it not only [Page 154] rooted out of our Breasts in Speculation, b [...] (which would be much more for the real Goo [...] of Society) I could wish, that our Behaviou [...] one towards another might be actually and entirely freed from those Ma [...]ks of it which a [...] every Day too visible. For my self, I can safely say I am contented with that Condition Providence has placed me in: My own little Fortune is sufficient for my Necessities, my Friend [...] are as many as supply all my Conversations [...] and that small Portion of Fame I have got, wil [...] give me as much Distinction in my Life-time [...] and as much Reputation with Posterity, as I desire. For this Reason I was never an Enemy to any Man's growing into the good Opinion of the World. I could with all the Indifference of an Idle Spectator sit still, and see my own old Wit every Day put to new Uses by other People. One dumb Man retails my judicial Astrology in Drury-lane; and another of the same Sort, who owns he lives somewhere or other, new vamps my cast Lucubrations, and cries my old Morals about the Street every Day in the Week. This is what some People may think a pretty fai [...] Way of turning the Penny; let it be so, I allow it them. But when honest Dumb forgets his Name and his Nature so far as to set up for a Dictator, when he assumes the Magistrate, and prescribes Laws so Manners; in short, wh n he arrogates to himself the Authority of Censor of Great Britain, I think it Time to as­sert my self, and put a Stop to Encroachments of such a Nature. For this Reason I think fit to admonish that Pe son, whoever he may be, not to interfere with my Jurisdiction, unless he can prove himself to be me, an Enterprize of so vain and ridiculous a Nature, that I hope I need not go about to convince my Readers of [Page 155] the Folly it would be to attempt it. From my first Considerations upon Envy, I am naturally led to reflect upon some little ill Offices which have been lately done me. My Maid, who takes the Privilege of an old Servant to talk to me in an Evening while she is warming my Cap, setting my Slippers, and turning down my Bed; as she was in her usual Employment last Night, I believe, Sir, (said she) I should make your Worship laugh if I should tell you a comical Thing that happened to me t'other Day. As our Neighbour's Maid and I were standing at the Door together last Sunday in the Afternoon, there comes by a young Wo­man; I thought to my self I should know her—So she comes up to me—Laud! says I, Mrs. Ann! I profess I did not know you—And who should this be but the Wi­dow Gentlewoman's Daughter that lived at the next Door to where we lived before—How do you do Mrs. Mary? says she. Very well, says I, Mrs. Ann, How do you? And how does your Master do, says she—Very well, says!—Laud! says she, we heard at our End of the Town how an as if he should have given over his Business—Laud! says I to her again, Who should tell you so? Nay, says she, 'twas one told me so; whereupon thought I to my self, says she, if it be so, and if Mr. Bic­kerstaff should leave off his Business, and go in­to the Country, why, perhaps, Mrs. Mary may be to seek for a Place; and so truly I was re­solved to come and see whether 'twere so or no—Thank you for your Love, said I, Mrs. Ann, my Master is a good Master to me, and I don't think of parting with him yet—Well, says she, as brisk as could be up again to me, if your Master be a good Master, a better [Page 156] will do you no Harm: You'd find another guess Sort of a Man if you were to live with our Gentleman—Pray, says I, and who is your Gentleman? Laud! says she, how strange you make it! As if you did not know our Gentleman that lodges at my Mother's—Well but, says I, has your Gentleman no Name? No matter for that, says she, that argues nei­ther here nor there; but if you have a Mind to have your Wages raised, I can tell you some­thing more of the Matter—Ay, thought I to my self, is that your Business! so, Sir, I was resolved to take no Notice—So (says the to me) but Mrs. Mary, What makes you like to live so with an old Man? I am sure, if your Place had been so good a Place as you talk of, Mr. Lillie would have hardly come away from your Master—Mr. Lillie, said I! Laud help your Head, as if my Master could not do without Mr. Lillie; Mr. Lillie is no Rule for me, my Master was but too kind to him; and if I had a Mind to have served Mr. Lillie a dirty Trick—My Master knows him well enough, and if he had not gone away as he did, my Master had turned him away the Thursday after—Nay Mrs. Mary, says she, if you are in a Passion, (and indeed I was as red as the Fire) good Night to you. Good Night to you, says I, and clap'd the Door after me.

Tho' I was tired with the Wench's Story, I could not help being pleased with this uncom­mon Mark of her Fidelity: And at the same Time it was with some Indignation that I re­flected upon the little mean Arts that were made Use of to entice away my Servant. I could hardly have believed another Instance of be same Nature, if I had not been assured by [Page 157] [...]e whole Neighbourhood, that they had ob­ [...]rved Two famous known Dogstealers watch­ [...]g about my Door for several Days together. [...]rom all these Things put together, I can't but [...]magine, that the Person who has a Mind to [...]ome into my Place before I am willing to go [...]ut of it, thinks he cannot absolutely qualify [...]imself for it unless he robs me of my Do­mesticks. To endeavour at being witty and moral is a laudable Design, and the better Part of the World will always approve and encou­rage it: But if a Man can't be witty without Mr. Lillie, nor moral without stealing my Dog, I believe he had better be contented with a common Portion of Fame, and submit to be thought neither wiser nor better than his Neigh­bours.

IT is in my Opinion no small Reflection on the Theatrical Entertainments of this Town, that the intermission of them should be looked upon as a Kind of negative Preparation to Du­ties of the last Importance. This amounts to a tacit Acknowledgment that they are, in ge­neral, calculated for our Diversion, without Re­gard to our Improvement; that they amuse on­ly and unbend the Minds of an Audience, in­stead of filling them with great and noble I­dea's; and serve rather to sink the Dignity of humane Nature, than to raise in us any just Sentiments about it. Were it otherwise, the Stage would have good Reason to remonstrate against so peculiar a Mark of Infamy, as that of being denied to the World at the Approach of any Religious Solemnity, and forced by that Means to confess an irreconcilable Enmity be­tween the Pleasures of the one, and the Obli­gations of the other. Notwithstanding all this, I confess, for my own Part, that I receive ma­ny Advantages from going to the Play-house sometimes. There is, besides the Play it self, [Page 159] something in the Circumstances of such an As­sembly, that gives me a new Turn of Think­ing, and furnishes me with Observations out of the common Road. I have a Pleasure more than I ever observed in any one else on that Occasion, in seeing so great a Variety of Faces, as well beautiful as others, and in tracing their several Tempers, Humours and Opinions in their Looks, Air and Behaviour. To sit Three Hours in a Crowd, is in my Opinion a severe Trial of a Man's Understanding, and from his Deportment there I can generally form a Judg­ment on his whole Life and Conversation. Amongst others, I have ever avoided making an Acquaintance with any Person of either Sex who talked loud, or laboured by any Means to be distinguished from the rest of the Audience. My Friend Sam Trusty exceeds me in Penetra­tion. He and I commonly sit together, and be­tween the Acts entertain our selves with read­ing over as many People as lie within our Kens. He enters not only into their Dispositions, but the minutest Circumstances of their Fortunes, can cast up their Monthly Accounts, knows how their Rooms are furnished, what they eat and drink; and in short, is at first Sight of their Persons let into the Secrets of their re­spective Families. In taking a Survey of the Front Boxes, we are from thence furnished with many serious Speculations, whilst the more youthful Part of the Company are enter­taining themselves on the same Subject after a very different Manner. We examine coolly and without Danger the Symmetry and Pro­portion of a fine Face; and from the Bloom of a Complexion, are led perhaps into Reflections upon Light and Colours. We were engaged in a Conversation of this Sort some Evenings ago at the Opera, when Sam Trusty breaking [Page 160] abruptly, ‘"Well, Isaac, (said he) I could find in my Heart to weep, as Xerxes did, over this Multitude of Mortals: You and I re­member when the House in Dorset-Garden was throng'd with Women as beautiful as those we now behold here. I remember when Clarissa lean'd upon her Hand, and looked with the same Indifference on her Train of Admirers as Bellaria does at this In­stant. Where, Isaac, where is now that de­sirable Person, those Eyes, that Neck? Car­ry but your Imagination to the Vault where she lies, and from thence instruct those love­ly Creatures before you, how much of their Beauty will be transmitted to the next Gene­ration.'’

The following Letter, which is just come to Hand, diverts me at present from further pur­suing the Intention of this Paper. The Writer of it may, perhaps, please himself with his Raillery. I do assure him, it has given me no other Uneasiness than what I have from a Sense and Commiseration of his Folly; and to shew I am in perfect Charity with him, shall make immediate Use of his Present.

I Cannot better shew the Concern I have for the Belles Letters, than in making such a Provision for those who are turned that Way as may best conduce to their Proficiency in it. The different Seasons of the Year are proper for different Sorts of Performances, which I don't remember any of my Fellow-Labourers in Astrology to have observed in their Yearly Almanacks. This indeed is a very gross Omis­sion; and I question not, if Mr. Partridge were alive, but he would readily embrace the Hint, and hereafter improve upon it. Suppose, for Instance, in a Work of this Kind one were to write Observations on April.

Subjoining afterwards: ‘This Month also lay the Plots of Plays, and de­sign the Models of Heroick Poems. Set and sow the Seeds of all Kind of Poetry, restore the Liber­ty of the laborious Muse by opening her Common-Place Book. Cut out Work for the Booksellers. Let extravagant Poets look before them, and be­gin to think of Bargaining for their Copies.’

What follows from my Brother Rider is very good. ‘The Use of Physick becomes now seasonable, and also Purging and Phlebotomy. Abstain from Ve­nery; many Diseases will be taken thereby, to the undoing of many. In Cases of Extremity, pray to God for a Remedy.’

And I think the Regimen would have been perfectly adapted to Writers of Poetry, if he had added that ancient Aphorism,

I shall not pursue this Thought through all the Months in this Paper but reserve that to my next Almanack. A present it will not be amiss to range the several Speci [...] of po­lite [Page 165] Writers under their proper Quarters of the Year.

Those concerned in Pastorals I have elsewhere consider'd. To proceed therefore: As soon as the glorious Planet Sol peeps through the Horns of the Celestial Ram, Matrimony then coming in Season, I would advise the lesser Sort of Po­ets to get their Epithalamiums ready. The Diversions of New-market likewise approach­ing, let those who can write neither Verse nor Rhime scrub up their Rindaricks. The Haber­dashers of Songs and Sonnets will do well to frequent Lambeth, Islington, and Richmond-Wells, and be prepared to celebrate any Phillis that should have the good or ill Fortune to be over-turned in the Park on a Sunday Night. Being informed that the Town is disappointed of an excellent Comedy by an ingenious Tra­der's employing his Stock another Way, I be­lieve I may put the Success of the rest of the Comick Writers into Easter Term without crowding them.

For the Summer Quarter, any one who has unfashionable Wares lying dead upon his Hands, as tawdry Panegyricks, or faded Sa­tyrs, which neither please the present, nor hurt the past Ministry, is advised to seek out some Plantation or Colony of civil Indians, where perhaps they may barter them for Ale, Rum, and Tobacco; and if they should fail there, to proceed on a trading Voyage to the Bath, where, by altering the Names, without chang­ing the Substance, their Goods will become Lampoons, and undergo a Fate reverse to that of Asa Foetida, which sets out a Perfume from Surat, and arrives a Stink at London. In one Place it is eat for Sawce, and in the other cures Hysterick Fits. For my self, and others [Page 166] who study in a great Measure for the A [...] ment of Mankind,

to be a little negligent at this Time; for [...] would be Impudence to pretend to put th [...] in good Humour that are left in Town, an [...] we must be down-right stupid to put th [...] out of Humour who are rioting in Peach [...] Figs, and Melons in the Country, and who, [...] prognosticate, will every Day be revived wi [...] some good News or other from Abroad.

In September the Streets ring with Oyste [...] and Elegies. Some old Men will certainly [...] and some young Men may perhaps cease [...] live. In either Case the Heir will succeed [...] the Estate at Quarter-Day, which is worth the Poet's Consideration. Since by the Inclemency of our Climate, the British Vintage usually suc­ceeds this Month, the Dithyrambick Poets may not improperly celebrate the Manufacture of that Juice, which, as Mr. Dryden has it, makes the Britons bold, and congratulate the Return of Patriots to their Cares and Watchings for the good of their Country.

As I was meditating in this Way, I fell into a Sort of Enthusiasm: I seemed to behold a Chariot, that had painted upon the Doors of it a Snake with the Tail in its Mouth, which being the Hieroglyphick of the Year, as well as the Ensign of the Divinity of Phy­sick, I was at a Loss what to make of it. Till observing it was corteged by broken Prin­ters and Apothecaries, I enquired who the Person was I saw fitting in the Chariot, and what he could be writing. I was answered, That it was the Genius of Heroick Poetry, a [Page 167] [...]r of the First Magnitude in that Science, [...]ich generally rose towards the Winter Sol­ [...]ice. I went up to him, methoughts, and said, O thou Antimonarchical Praiser of Princes and Heroes! Shall their Glories never be suf­fered to pass uncommended by thee? When wilt thou learn how unequal to this Task even the best are in the most abstracted Re­tirement? The Jolts and Rumblings of thy Chariot must needs affect any Verses, and make them unfit to express the Smoothness and Steadiness of this Hero's Conduct and Successes.

I recovered this Delirium as the Bell-man went about with an annual Sort of Poetry, which I had like to have forgot, though I have for many Years with Joy observed it to be a Fore-runner of Mince-Pies and Plum-Por­ridge.

THE Desire of Superiority is very natural or at least, through the Weakness of hu­mane Nature, has universally obtained in the World. This Disposition, in Persons of a pub­lick Capacity, produces it self in an Affectation of Tyranny and arbitrary Power. In private Conversation the Effects of it are equally disa­greeable, tho' less extensive, and serve to give one a Taste of Slavery in Cases of a higher Concern. A Man who has taken this Ambi­tion in his Head, sets up for a Kind of Dictator amongst his nearest Acquaintance, and will suf­fer them to give into no other Sentiments or In­clinations than what are entirely consonant with his own.

It is worth observing, that every Set of Com­pany does naturally, and without designing it, fall into a Form of Monarchical Government, and pay such a Deference to one amongst them as se ves to keep the rest in good Order. The Abuse of this Power is indeed very frequent, but without some such Regulation many great Inconveniencies would follow. The Diversions [Page 169] [...]f the Evening would be often at a Stand for Want of a proper Leader: Weighty Disputes [...]ould have no End, or perhaps a very bad one, [...]f there were no decisive Judge to determine [...]hem. In a Word, a President would be mis­ [...]ng on the most important Occasions: And in [...]ome Years the laudable Practice of Toasting would be forgotten, or very aukwardly carried on. The Business of Precedency is of so great Consequence, that the Ladies themselves have not thought it unworthy of their Consideration. Many of them, I dare say, have kept them­selves waking for the Peace of Society on this Subject. At Balls, Assemblies, and in Visits, what Confusion would unavoidably arise if this Point were not maturely and properly adjust­ed? Every Body knows the famous Case of Lady Formal, how she whirl'd out of the Room in a Passion, went Home and burned a [...]ew laced Head, not to say any Thing of the Correction she bestowed on her Domesticks, as [...]er Husband, her Woman, and her Lap-dog, [...]or no other Reason, but because Lady Betty [...]rt was placed in a Chair above her.

It is with great Satisfaction I consider the [...]ains that are taken to settle the same Point in [...]ll Orders of Men amongst us, from those who wear Shoulder-Knots, to the Masters who im­ [...]ose that Distinction of Servitude and Depen­ [...]ance. I am credibly informed, that the Foot­ [...]en about this Town are very exact in Matters [...]f Punctilio, that the Generality of them have [...]r this Purpose made a good Proficiency in [...]eraldry, and can perfectly blazon the several Coats of Arms they belong to. Tippling Jack [...]as never known to commit an Indecorum in [...] Cellar, or at the Door of a Chocolate-house. [...] former of which he always drinks first [...] the Person next himself in Dignity, and at [Page 170] the other, never offered, in the most rai [...] Night, to take a Coach or Chair from his Be [...] ters. Idle Tom was not without great Difficu [...] ty prevailed on to appear for Speaker in the [...] Mock Parliament against roaring George, Cand [...] date for the same, and having lost it by a [...] Majority, behaved himself with the utmo [...] Decency under that Misfortune. In the Pai [...] ed Chamber Things are carried yet high [...] The common Disorders of Gaming are effect [...] ally provided against, and no Quarrel suffer [...] to come to any Height without the Approb [...] tion of the first Lacquey of Quality that presid [...] at the long Table. The Use of Swearing i [...] i [...] deed promiscuously allowed there, which [...] know not how to account for. I am my s [...] an Eye and Ear Witness of the proper Disti [...] ction which is observed amongst such as [...] their several Sorts of Merchandize about [...] Streets of this City. The ancient Woman w [...] repeats Brickdust Nine and twenty Times in [...] Breath, constantly gives the Wall to anoth [...] that in a Musical Voice recommends Jerusal [...] Artichokes. The Fellow that fings Perfumes a [...] Washballs, keeps a due Distance from the T [...] ders in Oranges and Lemons; and the Haw [...] ers of Daily Courants and Spectators pull [...] their Hats, or drop a Courtesy, to those co [...] cerned in the Tatlers.

I remember two facetious Gentlemen of [...] Acquaintance, who had employed their Tale [...] in different Kinds of Writing, were engaged [...] be of a Party: The one, as a Writer of Co [...] dy, declin'd the upper End of the Table; a [...] the other, having been very successful in T [...] gedy, was adjudged to have a Right to [...] This Determination was thought highly eq [...] table, and has ever since been carefully comp [...] ed with. Whether it be taken from this H [...] [Page 171] [...] some other, the Players themselves, I under­ [...]nd, have thought it advisable to proceed af­ [...]r much the same Manner. A Hero, by the [...]les of the House, goes out of a Room before [...] fine Gentleman; as Alexander the Great [...]ight reasonably be supposed to take Place of [...]r Harry Wildair, or Julius Caesar of Dorimant. [...]ose who have acted in a double Capacity, [...]ink two Glasses in a Hand, or help them­ [...]lves twice to whatever Dish they like best. A [...]eoman of the Guard is in all Points considered [...]efore a Valet de Chambre, and an Elbow-Chair [...]es Place of a Joint-Stool. Amongst the Fe­ [...]les of the Stage there is no less Order pre­ [...]rved; Ophelia, in Consideration of her vari­ [...]us Abilities, has a proportionable Allowance [...]f Ceremony, or whatever else she likes best. [...] Prue takes the Liberty of giving her self [...]cy Airs to all that approach her; and when [...]e comes to be an Empress, may expect to [...]ave her Privileges encreased.

THE Letter which immediately follows, I make publick for my own Sake; that which concludes this Paper, for the Entertain­ment of others.

HAving, as I formerly observed, passed through an infinite Variety of Scenes in humane Life, I cannot better employ the Re­flections I have made upon them, than by in­structing those in the Paths they ought to pur­sue whose Youth and Unexperience would o­therwise betray them into a Thousand Mi­stakes. Of all others I have a tender Regard for such as apply themselves to those Arts and Sciences which gave me some Reputation in the Days of the Emperor Trajan. I was esteem­ed the greatest Wit of that Age; but, by a [Page 179] Misapplication of my Parts and Learning, came to an ignoble End. This is a reigning Misfortune amongst the Genius's of the present Age, but has indeed prevailed much more in some foregoing Reigns. It is with the utmost Indignation that I see many great Capacities prostituted to the most unworthy Purposes, and the World in a Manner corrupted and de­bauched by Persons whose Talents seem in­tended for the Ornament and Reformation of it. Next to the Want of Morality, I bewail the Narrowness of Fortune which too often presses Men of a liberal Education, and which perhaps is one Step towards leading them into the former. A young Fellow who is uneasy in his Circumstances, is naturally betrayed into those Follies which recommend him to Compa­ny, and give him Hopes of making an Ac­quaintance that may one Time or other turn to his Advantage. With this View he gives into many Fooleries that he secretly despises, and at last is harden'd into Vices which he former­ly abhorred. The Students of both Universi­ties are on this Account in a peculiar Manner the Objects of my Care and Concern. As of­ten as I see a new Face about Town, that pro­mises much good Understanding, and a lively Imagination, I conclude it came up by the last Coach from Oxford or Cambridge. I am im­mediately upon the Rack to consider the many Difficulties such a one must encounter, the At­tendance he must pay to insolent Greatness, the frequent Shocks he will receive from the Promotion of inferior Merit, from the Dissimu­lation of some, and the Envy of others; and at last, from the mean Reward he is likely to meet with for a long Course of Slavery and Dependance.

[Page 180] The following Letter has partly suggested to me this Way of Thinking, which seems to be written rather in Confidence than with a Design to have it published, but that the Post­script does more fully explain the Intention of it.

This Case shall be taken into Consideration, and the Censor's Opinion delivered upon the same.

IN taking a Survey of Mankind, one cannot but observe an universal Pursuit of what they call Pleasure, and at the same Time the grossest Mistakes about the Notion of it. Not to enter into more Particulars, let it suffice, that in the Catalogue of Things conducing to this End, Friendship is generally omitted, and either not at all considered, or else exploded and laughed out of Countenance. The Truth is, our Vanity seems to have got the better of our Reason, and choose rather to appear happy than be so. Hence it is, that instead of cultivating an Intimacy with a few, we make a superficial Acquaintance with all that offer, and are more desirous of being seen by a Multi­tude, than rightly known and understood by any. The Want of Virtue is at the Bottom of all this: Having no true Principles of Honour, Generosity, or good Nature, we naturally a­void being too strictly enquired into, and there­fore are cautious that those about us should not take any Freedom beyond what a mixed [Page 184] Kind of Conversation will allow. It is suf [...] cient that a Set of unthinking young Fello [...] can meet over a Bottle, and make a Shift [...] pass the Time with trifling and indifferent T [...] picks, without ever entertaining the least m [...] tual Regard, or examining into the Merits [...] one another. It will be difficult to perswad [...] such Men that they have not yet tasted one [...] the most exquisite Enjoyments that the Soul [...] capable of, or that they have it in their Powe [...] to open to themselves a more delightful Wa [...] of Living than they have hitherto been acquainted with. Talking the other Day with [...] very young Gentleman on this Subject, I could not help asking him, ‘"Whether, amongst the many Affairs he had made with the Ladies, he had never yet happened to have one of an honourable Nature upon his Hands?"’ He frankly confessed he had; and upon being fur­ther pressed, ‘"That he found more Satisfaction in the Pursuit of That, than from all the Successes he ever met with in those of ano­ther Kind."’ ‘"Believe me then (said I) there is no less Difference between the idle Amusement of a common Acquaintance, and the refined Endearments of an intimate Friendship."’ I insisted the more on this Point with a Person who was as yet in a great Measure a Stranger to the World, because it is very certain, that the sooner this Notion is re­ceived, the more advantageous it proves, and is a Means of preventing many Miscarriages in our Behaviour. For my own Part, amongst a Thousand other Obligations which I owe to my Parents, I must particularly acknowledge that of instilling an early Benevolence to Man­kind in general, and a Desire of fixing my self in the Affections of one or more who should appear best qualified for so near an Alliance. [Page 185] Sam Trusty, whom I have often mentioned in these Papers, was almost my first Choice, and has preserved me from many Errors which Youth and Indiscretion would otherwise have led me into. I am infinitely obliged to my Cousin Humphry Wagstaff on the same Account, as well as for the great Assistance he has given me in the Prosecution of this Work. My Con­versation with each of these Gentlemen is a Kind of elegant Retirement from the World, as it furnishes me with the justest Remarks upon the several Occurrences in it. Our Sen­timents are communicated without Reserve, insomuch that our ordinary Discourse is by the latter stiled Thinking aloud. In this happy Situation of Life we stand less exposed than others commonly are, either to the Strokes of Fortune, the Ill-nature of our Enemies, or any Calamity that can befal us. In the mean Time all our Enjoyments, by being shared amongst us, are heightened and improved in Propor­tion to the Pleasure that every Individual re­ceives from them.

In order to make Mankind happy in the Relish of so refined a Commerce with each other, I could wish our present Writers of Plays, instead of filling their Works of that Sort with the Business of Love, would some­times diversify them with the Distress of Friends, their Heroick Behaviour under it, with all the beautiful Incidents that History can furnish, or a warm and noble Imagina­tion suggest upon that Model. I am sensible how great a Genius is required to this Task; but whenever the Prudence of our Superiors shall think fit to deliver the Stage from the State of Slavery and Mismanagement it now labours under, I shall not despair of seeing [Page 186] this and many other excellent Designs happil [...] put in Execution.

An humble Retainer to the Theatre havin [...] made the following Application to me, I t [...] this Occasion of making it publick, and of a [...] suring the Person concerned, as well as others who may hereafter fall into the same Misfor­tune, that neither the corrupt Dealing o [...] Charles Lillie, tho' a Lunatick, nor the Insolence of those who support him in it, sha [...] pass unnoted, or unpunished, by the Rightfu [...] Lawful, and Undoubted Censor of the Unite [...] Kingdom of Great Britain.

I Know not how it happens, whether through a Misrepresentation from my Enemies, or a Misunderstanding in some of my Readers, an Opinion has lately obtained; that I allow no Body to have any Share of Wit or Humour but my self; that I industriously suppress the Attempts of others in that Way, and will not so much as suffer a young Writer to thrive un­der my Shade. These and a Thousand Calum­nies of the same Nature have by some Means or other, though with the utmost Injustice, [Page 188] been spread amongst Persons well affected [...] my Interests, who have thought themselv [...] obliged, by Letters and other Ways, to gi [...] me repeated Notice of such unhandsome Pr [...] ceedings. If I can promise any Thing for [...] self, it is, that I have no greater Ambition tha [...] to improve, cultivate and encourage a promising Genius wherever I meet with it, and no [...] only to refine the Morals of Mankind, but t [...] make even their Studies and Productions mo [...] entertaining and agreeable to one another. I must confess indeed, that ever since my fir [...] entring upon the Censorship, I have been very tender of suffering any Incroachments to be made upon the Dignity of that Office. I have now and then shewn the Error of those who offered to invade a Province so peculiarly my own, and by a seasonable Rebuke put a Stop to many growing Inconveniencies. At a Time when we are engaged in a just and necessary War Abroad, of what fatal Consequence might it have proved to make a new Division at Home? Which must unavoidably have risen, had I suffered any further Competition for so great an Employment. A Man must have lit­tle Regard for the Interest of Europe, who can be tempted by any Consideration to embroil his Country in Quarrels and Disputes at so critical a Juncture. What I have said there­fore in any of my Papers upon this Occasion, will by all Persons of Candor and Discern­ment be considered rather as an Instance of my Care for the Publick, than of any View to my own Authority and Advantage. If others have been unhappily provoked by it to make rash and indiscreet Reflections upon me, I am hear­tily sorry for their Misfortune, and wish that their Passion had not made them incapable of receiving Advice from their truest Friend, up­on [Page 189] that Subject. I shall only say at present, [...]t as it is evident they have imbarked in a [...]ong Bottom, they will do well to give off as [...]on as possible; for, next to the Honour of a [...]ccessful Engagement, is that of a handsome [...]treat.

To vindicate my self yet further from t [...] [...]putation I before mentioned, as I have late­ [...] assigned the proper Seasons of the Year for [...]erent Kinds of Writers, I shall hereafter [...] something more material for the Encou­ [...]gement of their Labours. In an Age where­ [...] the Generosity of Great Men extends even [...] Opera's and Puppet-Shows, I cannot but [...]lieve they will be easily perswaded to en­ [...]urage such Entertainments as tend to the [...]egulation of Manners, and the Improvement [...]f our Understandings. For this Purpose I [...]ave already formed a Scheme, wherein pro­ [...]er Prizes are allotted for several Sorts of [...]erformances, those of the Drama being first [...]nsidered, and the rest in proper Order. The [...]rticulars shall be communicated to those [...]ho are professed Patrons of polite Learning, [...]ithout Regard to Party, and because their [...]umber is but small, their Subscriptions must [...]ecessarily be the larger. I do not despair of [...]eing my self a Contributor, having deter­ [...]ined to assign a considerable Part of the [...]rofits arising from my own Lucubrations to­ [...]ards so useful a Project. I must premise [...] general, That no Comedy will be admit­ [...]d without a Moral, nor any Tragedy that [...]rns wholly upon Love, as likewise that [...]rces are wholly excluded. In Epick Poems, [...]e fewer Machines the better: Heathen Gods [...] Goddesses will not be suffered; nor any [...]igned Names to introduce either the past or [...]esent Ministry. If a Peace should intervene, [Page 190] nothing on that Topick shall be received t [...] was written before the Preliminaries w [...] signed.

That the Beauties of each Performance [...] be clearly discerned, and their Blemishes [...] covered, I shall in the mean Time take O [...] sion to print a Treatise separate from my [...] ther Papers, formed upon the best Rules [...] Antiquity, and the approved Sentiments of [...] present Age, entituled, Mr. Bickerstaff's Sp [...] cles; by the Assistance of which, the Jud [...] on this Affair shall be enabled to disting [...] rightly upon Thoughts, Diction, Turn, [...] cule, Style, Spirit, Natural, Sublime, [...] and all the other Circumstances of Wri [...] which I have mentioned elsewhere, that [...] come before them. This Manual, (for it [...] not exceed that Compass) I will order to [...] left at White's Chocolate-house Gratis, tog [...] ther with a Spelling-Book for the Help [...] Learners. At Will's it will be taken in [...] Course, and may from thence, perhaps, receive many proper Additions and Amendments.

I shall conclude with acquainting my Rea­ders, that although I do not pretend to ingross to my self all the Wit, Humour, and Learning in this Kingdom, yet I shall by no Means suffer any other Person to set up for an ultimate Judge in Matters of that Nature Mr. Lillie escapes very well that a Statute [...] Lunacy is not yet taken out against him; and others, his Abettors, that one of Idiocy has not yet been occasioned by their idle and unreason­able Proceedings.

HAving received lately several Letters from my Female Correspondents, I shall com­municate some of the most important of them to the Publick in the Order I received them.

The Case of Belinda is in my Opinion very deplorable, and would, if fully considered, give Occasion to many useful Reflections. At present I shall only observe upon it, that the Blemish she has received in her own Character is by no Means a Step towards a Power and Jurisdiction over the Conduct of others. I am not unwilling to admit some of the Fair Sex into the Employment she sollicits for, having in general a great Opinion of their Capacities, as well as of their earnest Desire to reform the Manners of those about them. It may not however be amiss to give the Electors in this Point a short Abstract of the Qualifications re­quisite to a Female Censor, lest any Mistakes should happen upon so weighty an Affair: As first, That she is indeed with an habitual Si­lence; Secondly, That she has a known Ha­tred to Scandal and Detraction; Thirdly, That she neither pays nor receives any impertinent Visits; Fourthly, That she is a constant Rea­der of the Tatler; And Fifthly and Lastly, That she has, besides other Books, a huge [...] of Receipts.

The following Billet is of no less Conse­quence than the former.

Ordered, That Mr. Jervoise be fined a Half-Length of the Censor, done after the same Manner as is mentioned in the above-written Complains, and that he be in Readiness to re­ceive him on Wednesday next, between the Hours of Nine and Ten in the Morning.

Ordered, That Mr. Dighton and Mr. Twining do enquire, whether the Kicks and Blows given were by Neats or Calves Leather, Jambees or Dragons; after which Mr. Bickerstaff will pro­ceed accordingly.

ONE great Design of this Paper is to re­concile Men to their several Stations in Life, and to remove that Uneasiness which commonly arises from the supposed Advantages of those about them. Unless this be in some Measure effected, it is in vain to expect any great Success from Precepts of another Kind; a Person who is out of Humour being as in­capable of receiving Advice as bestowing it on others. The Stake chiefly contended for is Power, and this, if I mistake not, is more equally divided than we commonly imagine. The executive Part of it seems indeed to be pretty much engross'd by Men of great For­tunes and large Possessions. They, 'tis true, carry about them all the Distinctions of Gran­deur and Superiority, they are attended by Maces, adorned with Ribands, and crowded by a numerous Train of Dependants. In the [Page 198] mean Time it must be no small Satisfaction for a Man who is inclined to envy them such pom­pous Appearances, to make a strict Enquiry in­to some other Circumstances which are not al­together so much exposed to the publick View. He will by this Means discover that these great Machines are informed, turned and directed by the most minute Springs and Movements; that in many Instances, a menial Servant has the Management of their highest Concerns, and disposes of their Actions as he in his great Wisdom shall judge most convenient for them.

As my Cousin Humphrey and my self were taking a Walk in the Park the other Day, a Person of Note passed by us with an Air of Inso­lence and Contempt, attended by a very mag­nificent Equipage. He, with his usual Free­dom, taking me aside, desired me to observe that fine Thing, and to give my Opinion of him. Observing me a little reserved upon the Matter, ‘" Isaac (says he) with some Indigna­tion, You are the greatest Coward in the World: Had I put the same Question to you upon Fifty others of Five hundred Times the Worth of inferior Rank, you would have made no Scruple of speaking your Sentiments. I will tell you then; That Gentleman you see there, is one Way or other in Subjection to every one of those Fellows that dangle after him. I happen (continued he) to be well ac­quainted in his Family, in which there is a Chain of Interests carried on after the fol­lowing Manner: The Steward, who is an old Servant, and has cheated his Master Time out of Mind, has the entire Government of him. The Housekeeper has a Hank, as they call it, over the Steward, and makes sin­gular Use of him in all impertinent Affairs. [Page 199] The Page has no less Interest in the House­keeper, at the same Time that he is himself in Love with the Chambermaid. Rose, for that is her Name, professes a Passion for T [...] the Footman, who is deeply smitten with dirty Moll the Kitchen Wench. The latter of these has in Conclusion a great Sway in what­ever Cases she thinks fit to exert her Inte­rest, which, if she were made sensible of it, would undoubtedly afford her no small Com­fort under the constant Hurry and Fatigue of her painful Occupation.'’

Having but little Knowledge of great Fami­lies, I was not before aware that this Scheme of Government was received amongst them; but in the Compass of my own Acquaintance I have seldom seen it otherwise. Old Major Matchlock, I remember, was a very blustering Fellow over a Bottle, and withal made a good terrible Figure at the Head of a Company; but within his own Doors he behaved himself with great Pusillanimity, and paid the utmost Subjection to an ancient Maid, whom in less than Forty Years he had raised from raking in a Heap of Cinders, to the Superintendancy over all his domestick Affairs. I am not in my own Nature much addicted to Fear, yet I can­not but confess that I stand in Awe of my old Servant Mary. She happens to be of a mild Disposition, which makes her Authority fit the more easy upon me; but if it were otherwise, I do not presume that I should have Courage enough to make Head against her. As she has few other Favourites or Companions than my Dog and tabby Cat, there is no Danger of her leading me into any Absurdities on their Behalf.

[Page 200] I am very much obliged to the Person who sends me the following Letter, and shall com­ply with the Instances made therein to the ut­most of my Power.

Last Night Captain, Powel came Express from the Lord Raby, with an Account, That the Emperor died on the 17th, N. S. of the Small-Pox. On the 16th he was in so fair a Way of Recovery, that they judged him to be out of Danger; whereupon Prince Eugene set out for the Hague, and was got two Days Journey on this Side of Vienna, before the News, which was dispatched the next Day, could overtake him.

THere is nothing more shocking to a gene­rous Mind, than to see his Labours ren­dered vain and fruitless. I once flattered my self with the happy Effects of my Censorship, and thought the Influence of Isaac Bickerstaff had so generally obtain'd through the United Kingdoms of Great Britain, that there was no­thing remaining but the Fruits and Glory of the Conquest. But such is the Misfortune of a publick Character! I have no sooner routed and disarmed the Enemy in one Quarter of my Dominions, exposed the Vice and Folly of Mankind in one Particular, but I find my self engaged in a fresh Dispute; as if my Authori­ty was not so universally received as I imagin'd, as if the People of this Island thought me only de Facto, and not de Jure, Censor. By my Age and Experience I have hitherto put a Stop to the growing Evil: But there is a Race of Creatures sprung up (by their Frame and Com­plexion resembling Men) which are as far above my Understanding, as they are real Objects of my Concern. It grieves me to see the Bull, [Page 203] the Bear, the Lion, stalking in a humane Form. I am in Pain to find something so like my self sending forth nothing but Brutal Ac­cents, as if all Joy and Grief consisted in the Quantity of Sound, and there was no Way to express the Dictates and Sentiments of Nature but by being tumultuous. These Men, if I may be allowed to call them so, seem weary of being at the Fag-End of the Rational Species, and think they shall make tolerable good Fi­gures under another Character. I will refer the Examination of this Particular to another Paper, and insert the Letter which gave Occa­sion to the Reflection.

I AM oblig'd to visit my old Friend Hortensius every April, when his Auricula's are in Blos­som. He tells me, he should be as much dis­appointed if his Friends did not come and see him while his Garden is in its Pride, as a fine Lady would be on her Day, if no Body came to admire how well she was lighted up.

I went down on Monday last to his House. It was almost dark when I arrived, and I found my Friend watering his Pots with his own Hand, and covering the choicest of them with Glasses, lest the Inclemency of one Frosty Night, in so uncertain a Climate as ours is, should shorten the Duration of a Pleasure which is but too Transitory even in its longest Continuance. He bid me welcome to his Her­mitage, and conducted me with Aude, Hospes, contemnere Opes, to an elegant little Supper, a good Part of which was the Product of his Garden. After the Cloth was taken away, ‘'Mr. Bickerstaff, said he, I fancy you look with a good deal of Contempt upon our Country Amusements: Is it not very odd to find me doing the same Thing to Night, that [Page 207] I did Forty Years ago? Not at all, replied I, I don't think Individuals either grow better or worse after One and Twenty; and I am no more surprized to find you diverted with an agree­able innocent Employment Forty Years toge­ther, than I should be Forty Years hence (if it were possible I could live so long) to find those who are now young Fops to be grown old ones, or those that are young Knaves to be grown more experienc'd: For since People don't grow weary of their Faults, I see no Reason why they should grow weary of their Pleasures, at least of such Pleasures as don't grow weary of them. Ah! dear Isaac, said my Friend, there's the Point, to find out some Entertainment that will not find out that we grow old, and such a one I believe I have made Choice of. By that Means I converse daily with the g [...]wdiest Part of the Creation; for since there is no Body here to tell it again to the Toasts, I must own to you, that I think Nature has been no where so la­vish of her Beauties, as amongst the Birds and Flowers. Harmonious Voices, sweet Breaths, fine Complexions, blooming Youth, and then for Constancy, (one of my poor Turtles is dying of a Widowhood) Where will you match me these in the rest of the World? You durst not talk at that Rate, re­ply'd I, nor I hear you, but at the Age of Se­venty, though it is natural for every one to give as much Dignity as he can to whatever he is fond of. Dignity! interrupted Horten­sius a little warmly, we want no Dignity, or at least we need not strain a Point for it. Pray, Friend Isaac, when Man was made lit­tle lower than the Angels, what was he? A Prince, a General, or a Great Minister? Nei­ther. He was a Gardiner. Pray what is it [Page 208] that distinguishes Man from Beasts? Why all Philosophers say, Reason. Philosophers are Puppies; if Man were distinguished from the rest of the Creation by Reason, would he not be distinguish'd by the noblest Operation of Reason; the cultivating a virtuous Mind? But how is that? Ask any of these Philoso­phers for Examples of Cruelty, Lust, of Avarice, of Disobedience to Parents, of Ra­pine, of Ambition, of Treachery, of Cow­ardice, of any Vice they shall bring you Instances of all these from Kings, Queens, Generals, Popes, and even Philosophers them­selves: But talk to them of Fidelity, they quote you the Dog; of Piety to Parents, the Stork; of Industry, the Ant and the Bee; of Meekness, the Lamb; of Courage, the Lion; and of Constancy, there my poor Turtle comes in again. Oh! Reason is a dainty Thing; I love that noble Distinction mightily: 'Tis almost as good as Risibility. Hold, dear Hortensius, said I, pray let us be distinguished some Way or other, or let us go naked as they do, and save Taylors Bills; or rather let us get Hair and Feathers on our Skins, for I doubt I should not like to walk about pull'd neither."’ He smiled upon me, and went on, ‘"I design to distinguish for you too: The true Distinction between Man and Beast, and which soli Homini convenit is Gar­dening. Homo est Animal Horticolum: Upon that Condition you may differ from Beasts as much as you please, and be as distinct a Spe­cies as you can. But if you design to take the Advantage of this Proposal, you must be­gin by going to Bed early, that we may be up to Morrow to enjoy the Sweets of the Mor­ning, and therefore I'll wait on you to your Chamber."’ The next Morning was so like [Page 209] one in a Romance, that if it would not make this Paper too long, I could be content to de­scribe it: About Seven a Clock my Friend came into my Chamber, and told me I was going to be very Happy as soon as I had drank my Cho­colate, for every Thing conspired to make our Walk so pleasant, that, what with the Perfume of the Flowers, and the Harmony of the Birds, he questioned whether I would regret either the Smoak or the Noises of London. There were Two Parterres on either Side of the House, which were separated by a neat Espa­lier from the rest of the Garden. These were destined for the Reception of the Flowers of Quality, such as Auricula's, Tulips, Anemonies, Ranunculus's, and Carnations, who lived here removed from the Commerce of the People of Flowers which inhabit the Remainder of this vegetable Kingdom. My Friend was pleased to see me surprized with the Beauties of his Benches of Auricula's. He made me take par­ticular Notice of Number I. which he told me was honoured with the Name of a Great Prin­cess, and the rest of the Confederacy stood in their proper Places after her. The next Series my Friend enlarged more upon, finding I be­gun to tast the Entertainment, and made me remark a Flower which was a little overblown; but he told me it had been wonderfully fine in its Time, and whispered me in the Ear the La­dy's Name it went by: ‘"And what I value it for exceedingly, said he, is, That I have rai­sed those Four Seedlings which stand next her from this Flower. There was a Fifth, but I could not preserve it: If we had not such Losses, we should be too happy."’ In short, he went on with above Fifty fine Ladies one after another, and I believe would never have given off if I had not interrupted him, [Page 210] by asking him how his Flowers came to be all of a Party, and saying that I did not think to have seen that Matter carried so far. ‘"Why, said he, I don't know how that comes about, but we endeavour to fit our Flowers to our Faces and Characters, and this is done in a Manner by Election: But no Body need be without their Flower, for the Daffodil and Piony Kind stand empty for any Ladies that please to take them; and as any new ones come out a­mongst our better Flowers, if they will stand Candidates for them, I shall be very im­partial. But we can't do so well by the Ge­nerals; they must have a Campagne in their Bellies, and can't be provided for till next Spring, and then they'll stand as fair as o­thers."’ We took our Walk on through the rest of the Garden, at the lower End of which there was a little Trout Stream, with Benches by the Side of it. Here we sate down, and Hortensius asked me if I was not tired with such a sauntering Country Life. I assured him no, and wished I had it in my Power to invite him to such another Place. ‘"Why really my Friend, said he, I passed a good Part of my Time in what the World calls Pursuit of Plea­sure and Honour, and have found at last, that all those Things are nothing more than what I have in this little Brook,’ Noise and Motion.'

I WENT Two or Three Nights ago to Brown's Coffee-house to smoak a Pipe, and talk of the Affairs of Germany, with my old Friend Mr. Solomon Million. As we were dis­coursing of Funds and Politicks, I observed a tall genteel Man come in, who made a very re­spectful Bow to Million, and stood at a Distance, but looked as if he had something to say to him. I made him take Notice of it. He tweer'd at him a little, and said, ‘"Friend, would you speak with me? Fray what's your Business?"’ He approached and whispered him, and then Million cry'd, ‘"Why ay, and so I did; but we could not carry it for you: And so look'ee you must be contented. You lost it in good Company, that I must needs say; but it is not always'—’Here he coughed, and I, who had not recollected the Gentleman till then, perceived it was Don Diego. He had a Paper in his Hand, which he delivered Million, who looking upon it, shook his Head, and said, ‘"This is not in our Way; [Page 212] but my worthy Friend Muster Bickerstaff ( [...] may be allowed to name him on this Occasion) may do you a Kindness, if so be he'll recommend it to the World, which I hope he will for my Sake."’ The Paper was as follows.

Though I am far from taking this for a per­fect Scheme, yet I think it does not deserve to be rejected at the first Reading; for perhaps something may be added in a Committee to make it of great Use.

I do therefore refer it to a Committee of the whole Town, who are to examine the Allega­tions, and report their Opinion; for I cannot but think that if something of this Kind could be done, it would be of universal Advantage, and might go a great Way towards extinguish­ing those Heats and Animosities which are amongst us, and put an affectual Stop to those wicked Emissaries that are continually busied in stirring up Jealousies and evil Reports among Her Majesty's loving Subjects.

ONE great Inducement to me in removing to this End of the Town, was for the Benefit of the Air in St. James's Park, where I usually take one Turn in the Morning, and [...] it be any Thing like Weather, another as soon as my Pipe is done after Dinner. In my Walk the other Day I met with so odd an Adventure, that I can't help being particular in the Relation of it; especially since, in Regard to Posterity, it may serve to clear up one of the most impor­tant Passages of my Life. Just by the Cock-Pit, at the Privy-Garden Door, there step'd up gently to me an ancientish Woman, in a little black Hood, a Whisk Band, and a Crape Gown, and in a soft low Voice calls to me, " Sir. I could never think it Charity to relieve your Street-Beggars: What little I do in that Kind, is chiefly to Charity-Schools, and decayed House­keepers. So on I walk'd, and she after me. ‘'But, Sir, says she again with a respectful Whisper, I am a Gentlewoman. Gentle or Simple, said I, that's nothing to me; Prithee, [Page 217] Woman, be gone about thy Business: This is not a Place for you."’ When she had got me to answer her, she proceeds, ‘"Sir, you look like a Gentleman; and my Case is really such, that if you knew but Half—I don't de­sire to know a Quarter,"’ said I. But the Wo­man was so very civil, and withal so very im­portunate, that I could not help turning about to her; and with that she pulls Two or Three dirty torn Papers out of her Stays, and offers them me to read. ‘"Pray Mistress, said I, what is it you would have of me? This is not a Place to read Papers in: But my Name is so, I live in such a Place, and if you think it worth your while to come to me when I have more Leisure, I'll hear what you have to say.'’ I observed she changed Colour upon hearing my Name, and coming up closer to me, told me, ‘"Nothing but the greatest Necessity could have brought her to this: Her Education, it was well known, had been above any such Thing, till the Frowns of Fortune had redu­ced her to this Condition. Why it is a strange Thing, said I, Mistress, that you won't take an Answer. I tell you again that I have not for you, and let that suffice. Ah! dear Sir, said she, there was a Time when one of your Name would have given me a kinder Answer."’ This brought a Thousand confu­sed Imaginations into my Head, and I felt something awakening within me that I could not account for. I stole a Look over my Shoul­der, and saw her wiping a Pair of Eyes, that I thought I should not be a Stranger to, with a greasy Glove, and the Lappet of her Hood. ‘'I have no small Money about me, said I, but I'm just at Home, and made what Haste I could to my House."’ As I was going into my Parlour, I heard my Maid disputing the Door [Page 218] with her. ‘" Mary, said I, let the Gentlewoman come in."’ As soon as we were alone, [...] fix'd my Eye upon her, and ask'd her, ‘"Pray what may your Name be? Ah! Mr. Bicker­staff, she replied, Is it possible you should have forgot me? But indeed the Troubles I have gone thro' since you and I danced toge­ther at the Mayor's Feast at Litchfield, would have altered a better Face than I could ever pretend to. Whatever Changes Time and Trouble may have made in you, said I, I'm sure it has not made so much in me, but that I am mightily concerned to know what has happened to you, since I am now assured you can be no other than Mrs. Olivia Darkin, for whom once I pass'd so many uneasy Mi­nutes. Well, Mr. Bickerstaff, I must own—But pray sit down, said I—And Mary, D'ye hear? Bring me a Pint of that Sack in the Corner, and bake a Toast. Well, pray go on. Why truly, Sir, as I was saying, I did perceive you had a Kindness for me; but alas! What could you expect of a giddy­headed young Thing as I was in those Days? For you must know, Sir, that Mr. Mac-Carrot, that you saw at our House, had engaged my Affections before I came from the Boarding-School; but I am sure I have lived to repent it every Vein of my Heart that ever I cross'd the Seas with him. In short, Sir, we were no sooner married, but he carried me over with him to the County of Kerry, where he had Relations who were well enough to pass, and what with their Assistance, and that little we had of our own, we made a pretty good Shift for some Years, 'till the War breaking out in Ireland, my Husband was too zealous for the Popish Interest, and entered into the Service of the late K— J—s. I told him [Page 219] over and over what would come of it. He gave me no Answer, but that it was his Opi­nion, and he would stand and fall by it; and Child, said he, you are a Fool if you don't turn Catholick. Never talk on it, said I, I'll die a Thousand Deaths before I'll change my Religion, and so he never press'd me any more about it. But as I had foretold, so it happened, he was killed at the Siege of Li­merick, and our House plundered; I may safely say they did not leave me the Value of this Rag to wind about my Finger."’ And [...]en she burst out a Crying. ‘"Ha! said I, this is a melancholy Story indeed; come, here's to you, I'll promise you 'tis a Glass of good Sack: But pray did his Relations do nothing for you? Relations! Ah Lord! said she, they were his Relations, not mine; and when he went, all went with him: You must think, Sir, I went to 'em, but they looked as coldly upon me as if I came to take the Bread out of their Mouths. At last, they agreed among 'em to take one of my Girls off my Hands, and gave me Five Pounds to carry me over to England. But when I came there, I was never the near, for I had anger'd all my Friends in Marrying; and I dare say some of 'em were glad to see me in such Necessity. At last an Aunt of mine sent me Word I should be welcome to her in Staf­fordshire, where, being a Widow, and old and infirm, I was serviceable to her in the Nature of her House-keeper. It pleased God she died in about Two Years after, and left me in Money and Goods to the Value of Four hundred Pounds. Upon this I pluck'd up a good Heart again, and had several Of­fers made me from substantial Farmers of good Repute in the Neighbourhood; but it [Page 220] was a Sort of Life I did not care for, and having no Thoughts of altering my Condi­tion, nothing would serve me but I must come up to Town here; and having a Stock of Linen, and other good Things that my Aunt left me, I hired a handsome House, and took Lodgers. Well, why this put you in a good Way again, said I, interrupting her. Yes indeed, Sir, said she, I had several Par­liament-Men and other very good Gentlemen in my House, and lived as creditably as any Body in my Employ; so that in a few Years I thought I should be able to do very well for my Children. Pray what Children might you have, said I, besides the Girl you were mentioning in Ireland. I had a Son and Daughter, said she, and as hopeful they were, though I say it, as any Woman would wish to be Mother of. But there was a Gen­tleman in my House who belonged to the Army, a civil Man to my thinking, as ever came under any Body's Roof. I never heard an Oath come out of his Mouth, he paid me punctually every Monday Morning, and was so easy and contented, that I thought I could never do enough for him. It seems, as I found afterwards, he took a Liking to m [...] Betty; and I believe there was no Love lo [...] for I observed the Girl would go mopin [...] about the House, and I would often s [...] to her, What's come to you, Child? Methin [...] you take no Pleasure in any Thing you do [...] She would make me no Answer; but on [...] Day, as we were alone, I put it Home [...] her, and then she up and told me th [...] whole Story, that she had been over-pe [...] suaded by the Captain, and was so far gon [...] that it was in vain to conceal it any long [...] Soon after she was delivered of a fine Bo [...] [Page 221] and as soon as she was up, Well, Mother, says she, I will not live here to be a Disgrace to you, I'll try my Fortune in the Indies. So I agreed with a West-India Captain of my Acquaintance, since the Girl had such a Mind to travel into foreign Parts; but the first News I had by the Return of the Ships was, that she died of the Distemper of the Coun­try. Still I was in Hopes my Son Joseph would do well; but he was got in with an idle Gang, who would send for him at all Hours in the Night. I was fond of him, and sed him with Money till I was almost redu­ced again, in Hopes to reclaim him by fair Means: At other Times I would talk to him seriously, and tell him he had had another Sort of an Education: But nothing would do; I found I was but a Woman; he would give me the Hearing, and then away to his Comrades. But one Day above the rest, there was a great Noise of a Robbery and Murder that had been committed upon Bagshot-Heath, and my Son, among others, was taken up and carried to Newgate. Upon his Tryal, he confessed he was among them, and was found guilty; but he declared with his last Breath, he was not concerned in the Murder. I was with him every Day after his Condem­nation. He told me all along he was willing to die; but I did what I could with Money and Friends, till I had nothing left, to get his Pardon; and a Gentleman who belonged to the Court, and had formerly been my Lodger, gave me Hopes to the last, and bid me fear nothing, [...]o that my Son should not suffer. To keep him in Heart, I told him we should get a Reprieve: But when he found he must go into the Cart, he fixed his Eyes stedfastly upon me, and only said, Mo­ther, [Page 222] is it come to this? I repented afterwards that I had deluded my poor Child with vain Promises; for he relied so much upon them, that I am afraid he did not make so good an End as he should have done. It was a bad End indeed, said I, for an only Son; but Children, you know, are certain Troubles, and uncertain Comforts: However, what's past can't be recalled. I am sorry for your Misfortunes; but pray tell me, Do you want any little Assistance that I can give you? Sir, said she, I'll conceal nothing from you; I want for nothing: I have between Six and Seven Hundred Pounds by me, which I have pick'd up in this Way, and hope that will put me above Dependance for the rest of my Life."’ I drank again to her to renew our old Acquaintance, and so we parted. She left me so full of Reflections upon the Escape I had had when I would have married her, that I could not sleep a Wink that Night.

EVER since I have taken upon me the Of­fice of Censor of Great Britain, it has been my principal Care to guard my self against all Manner of just Reproaches, which might depretiate those wholesome Maxims which I every Day distribute to the Publick, and to fence against all those Vices which render old Age contemptible. And 'tis wholly owing to this that I have never fallen into that common Weakness of finding Fault with the present only for an Excuse to cry up the last Age. I must own I have had a great Itch to do it, but as I weigh every Thing before I attempt doing it, I find upon mature Deliberation, that ge­nerally [Page 224] speaking the Age is virtuously inclined, and that what Faults it has proceed chiefly from excellent Principles, and might be made Virtues with a very little Trouble. For, in the first Place, I observe that Part of Mankind, where one would least expect it, to be wonder­fully inclined to Oeconomy; I mean the Young and the Fair of Quality. No Frost, Snow, no [...] East Wind, can hinder a large Set of People from going to the Park in February, no Dust nor Heat in June. And this is come to such an intrepid Regularity, that those a­greeable Creatures that would shriek at an hind Wheel in a deep Gutter, are not afraid, in their proper Sphere, of the Disorder and Danger of Seven Rings. But as the City does generally value it self upon out-doing t'other End of the Town in these Matters, so I have long observed, with infinite Satisfaction, a certain Coach, which I esteem particularly. It belongs to a worthy Trader in or near Well-Close, and no Disparagement to Charles's- Wain, it keeps its Course as regularly as any Fix'd Star of 'em all. The Family to which this wondrous Automaton belongs, goes to Dinner as soon as Morning Service is over, they set out in the Cool of the Noon, about Half an Hour after Twelve, and, according to the Rule of discreet Travellers, make the Coachman drive slowly at first, by which they have Two Ad­vantages; one, that they see all the Company go to Church in the City, and the other, that their Horses have Time to empty themselves. At Charing-Cross they stop and give the Cattel a Mouthful of Hay, have a cool Tankard, or the like, and any of the Gentlewomen that have Occasion step out of the Coach. By the End of Suffolk-street they mend their Pace, and [Page 225] get into a tolerable Trot, which brings them so happily to the farthest Part of their Journey, and in such good Time, that they are there as soon as the best of 'em. I remember last Year I was over-against Northumberland House when this Caravan reposed there; they were Five of the Fair Sex, Three pretty fat ones, one very fat, and a lean one. They were all sure of the Thousand Pounds a Year in the Lottery, and almost fell out about their several Ways of Dis­posing of it. The fattest of them said, ‘"If it should please God to take away her Master, she would not change her Condition tho' she should get the Thousand Pounds a Year, but would lay it up to make her Children love her; but if they should prove undutiful, she could not tell how far she might be prevailed upon; but an't please God she'd never mar­ry a Seaman again, she'd have no more Frights and Twitters at every puff of Wind."’ The next in Size to her Ladiship said, ‘"Laud Mother, Why to be sure, Forsooth, you won't have it; you'll have enough without it. Child, said her Mother, Will you never leave off that ugly Trick? Can't you call a Body, Madam? I wou'd to God I had sent you to Chelsey instead of Stepney, but 'twas such a great Way off. Prithee, Sister, don't fright your self, says another, I shall have it mun; for I was adreamed, and so methought there came a fine Gentleman to me, in a Cinnamon-colour'd Coat and Gold Buttons, and a long Wig, and a Gold Chain about his Neck, and so he ax'd me to go with him to his Country-House at Grinitch, and methought he had my Lord Mayor's Bage and Tisdale, and the City Musick, and he said as how 'twas because I had a great Forti [...]. [Page 226] The Third said, she was sure she should have it, because she had a Mind to it; and if she got it, she'd come away immediately to that very Coffee-house yonder, and send for one of those young Officers out, and marry him immediately; and then, Madam, I'll come and wait upon you in my Glass Chariot, and pass my Time like a little Queen. Ah, Mal! said the old one, thou art a mad Girl; thou'dst think on't twice—Ay so I shall Forty Times, said she; till the Lottery is drawn, I shall do nothing but think on't: But Sister Rachel says nothing. Why, says the lean one, I'm satisfied none of you will have it, for 'tis come into my Head just now that I shall have it my self; and I'll take a House in Devonshire-Square, and get a Set to play all Day long at Lue, and never marry, but despise Mankind; though now I think on't, if any of you have a Girl to my Mind, per­haps I may breed her up, and when I die, leave her all I have, and then she may be married to a Lord: Look'ee there now."’ It grieved me mightily to see the Coach drive a­way at this Period, and I could not but make this Reflection: How Five People could be sanguine enough to expect the great Lot, which was One hundred and fifty thousand to One whether either of them had it, and of the many Thousand Owners of Coaches in and about this great City, not one of them was afraid of having their Necks broke at the Park, where the Odds are not above Two hundred at most; nay, Folks are glad to borrow a Chance for being crippled. I concluded with my self, that those who come from the wary Part of the Town, had perhaps had the Precau­tion to insure in Exchange-Alley, without which [Page 227] I thought it impossible Ladies should venture to travel so far to run such Dangers; for we may perceive by the Number of Offices now in Town, that it is no longer in Fashion to ride Post to Sieges: But the Mystery was soon explained as to these Well-Close Pilgrims; for that very Evening my honest Friend Faber would needs take me from St. James's Park with him to eat a cold Chicken and Sallad, and drink a Flask of Flurrence, as he calls it; and as we were looking out at Window in the Pall-Mall, and seeing the Coaches going to the Park, I saw my Lady and her Daughters re­turn. I had an Inclination to smile at first; but upon Reflection, I could not but admire the Sagacity of those People, who (having a great Way to go) come out of the Park when others are going in, for by that Means they see all the Company, and avoid all the Danger.

I Cannot without Admiration behold the forward Pretensions of the Youth of this Age, wherein we daily find Boys exerting the very first Operations of their Minds in the most abstruse Parts of Learning; so that one would th nk the Souls of their Great Grandfathers had transmigrated into them. This praecoci­ous Wit, as it is very unbecoming in the Pre­sence of a Man of my Years, so is it likewise very ominous to the Persons who are possessed with it; for they are generally short-liv'd, and give Occasion to their Mothers to say, The poor Child had too much Sense to live long. It is therefore my Opinion, That this great Vice takes its Beginning entirely from taking Chil­dren too soon f om the Breast, and admitting them so early to the Use of a luxurious Variety in their Food, which forces an Understanding before its due Time. I have therefore, from a [Page 229] long Observation amongst young Fellows, as I find them in their Conversation, and according to the Subjects which they handle, been able to tell the very Day when the Nurse applied the bitter Drug to the Nipple, to give them an Aversion to Sucking. There was a Law among that wise People the Romans, That no Man should kill above Thirty Asses at a Time for a Banquet; and the Reason was, that they being a Creature then esteemed a great Dainty, and a vast Consumption of them, there was found at length a great Defect of their Milk for the Education of the Offspring of the Common­wealth, to the unspeakable Pain and Labour of the good Women, who were otherwise obli­ged to suckle their Children till they should be fit to carry Arms in Defence of their Coun­try. I have therefore, out of a due Respect to such an excellent Example, and to prevent the Inconveniencies of these too early Essays in Things of sublime Science, ordered the inge­nious Mr. Charles Bubbleboy to get made for the Use of the Publick, from Time to Time, a sufficient Number of Sucking-Bottles, which all young Fellows under the Age of Twenty are to hang with a Chain about their Necks. And I likewise ordain, That when any Person under the Age above written shall presume to launch out of his Depth in Theoretical Learn­ing, it shall be in the Power of any By-stander to apply the Bottle to his Mouth, and make him suck.

I hope by this Simplicity of Diet in some reasonable Time so far to reform the Manners of Youth in Conversation, that no one under the Age aforementioned shall presume to ex­ceed the Limits of Grammatical Learning in Discourse; and likewise to augment the [Page 230] Strength and Stature of my Countrymen, a [...] well as their Understandings.

It has ever been the Custom of our Family to bring up their Children without endeavou­ring to improve their Minds till their Bodies were grown to a full Maturity, and we were suffered as it were to lie fallow without any Cultivation, till the Soil was rich enough to give a full Vigour and Extension to the Seed that should be sown in it. For this Reason I was looked upon as a meer Idiot all the Time of my Childhood, and lived in a State of Ad­miration to an Age wherein others are wont to exert egregious Signs of Wisdom. I remember very well, that I sucked my Mother till I was able to carry my Cradle on my Back, and could not speak a Word till I was Ten Years old, being a perfect Pythagorean by Nature, and always more inclinable to hear than talk, till I grew so full of Conceptions, that at last I was obli­ged to give Vent by Writing, as my Thoughts oppress'd me, the Delivery of which hath had that wonderful Effect as to make me arrive at the Dignity of being Censor of Great Britain.

MY Curiosity led me the other Day to be present at the Election at Westminster School, where I met with an Entertainment of Juvenile Exercises suitable to my Expecta­tion, and observed with great Satisfaction those pretty Velitations of Wit, which may be called the politer Parts of Grammatical Learning, and are the promising Preludes of future Perfections in the sublime Sciences. Those little Epigram­matical Flowers, in which you behold Poetry in her Spring, very various in her Array of Co­lours, but not daring yet to shoot high from the Earth, which were then offered up as Fi [...] Fruits to the Great Harlaeus, as they shew their own Inability of soaring high enough, yet they do in some Measure point at that immense Heighth of Praise, which should be equal to [Page 233] the Subject commended, and which ought to be the particular Province of an Epick Poet.

When I first entered the School, I was struck with a becoming Awe and Veneration to so sa­cred a Place, and the Dignity of the Person presiding in it, not without a due Regard to the Fasces, which are the Symbol of his Au­thority. I could not then forbear taking the Person and Office of a Schoolmaster into a nearer Consideration, and to propose him to my Mind in the Abstract, with a View of what he teaches.

A Schoolmaster is a compleat Treasury of chosen Words from Classick Authors, the very Composition of whose Body does not seem to owe it self so much to the Four Physicical Ele­ments, as to the Four and twenty Letters of the Alphabet; and yet with so little Confusion in his Contexture, that he shall be able, as it were, to unravel his whole Substance into Idi­oms, Proper Diction, Golden Sentences, Ver­ses, Themes, and Declamations. You would think the Oeconomy of his House was directed entirely according to the Three Special Rules, and that the Book of Tenses served for a Clock to it. His proper Business is to teach Gram­mar, which he distributes as sound Aliment to his Scholars, giving every one such a Portion for a Meal, and with that Impartiality, that no one complains of having too little.

Whilst I was amusing my self with these Thoughts, which to some may seem too ludi­crous on so grave a Subject, (though I profess [...]t is far from my Intention to lessen the Idea of [...]o excellent a Function) I was diverted from [...]urther prosecuting the Character, by being obli­ged [Page 234] to take Notice of Three or Four spr [...] young Fellows, that walked about the Scho [...] and seemed to affect an Air of Thoughtlesne [...] They twirled round their Gloves with great [...] difference, looked serene, wore Bob-Wigs, cle [...] Sleeves, and their Coats were generally abo [...] six Inches too short, and seemed not at all [...] give Attention to the excellent Things th [...] were spoke. These I found to be young S [...] dents lately returned from Oxford, who wou [...] not condescend to be pleased with such Trifl [...] exerting at the same Time several Lines [...] their Faces to signify a superior Excellence [...] versifying, and looking down with a Sort [...] Pity on those that admired the present Perf [...] mances.

Interspersed here and there in several Co [...] ners of the School, you might have seen so [...] Fellows of the same Stamp, but something a [...] cienter Date, with a very profound Look, b [...] ting their Thumbs, and scratching their Head [...] Others with their Faces lifted up horizontal [...] to the Sieling; and here and there a Man th [...] required only, for the Assistance of his Inve [...] tion, a Bit of Packthread, or a Pin to play wit [...] between his Fingers.

These Fellows, I found, were endeavourin [...] to revive their Muse long since extinct, and d [...] sirous of being catch'd in a Posture of inten [...] ing something for the Use of the young Ca [...] didates. These Rogues I could not bear wit [...] for that I feared they might defraud the youn [...] Gentlemen of their due Praise, by a false Op [...] nion that might be conceived of their Service [...] whereas it is very natural to think, that Exe [...] cises of this Nature are proper only to Youth [...] who by a peculiar Heat and Vivacity are re [...] der'd [Page 235] capable of that Quickness of Apprehension which is necessary to produce those extempo­raneous and amazing Flights of Fancy.

I left the School with some Indignation, and came down into the Cloysters, where I sur­prized the Great (tho' unfriendly to the Muses) Johannes Kellaeus, just descended from the Room where the Company had dined, stuffing into his Pockets the Leg of a Lobster, the Carcass of a Green Goose, and a great Lump of Pud­ding.

WHEN I was last at Oxford about Seven or Eight and twenty Years ago, I had struck up a great Friendship with Two very brisk Sportsmen, Fellows of All-Souls College, Charles Oppian and Gratius Fa­liscus. They each of them kept their Brace of Geldings. We used to hunt Three Times a Week with Dr. Hammond's Hounds, and ge­nerally passed the Evenings together. We kept a Correspondence very regularly for some Months after I left the University, but by little and little it dwindled away, and I thought they had been both dead, till upon publishing my Papers our Acquain­tance revived again, and they often send me a Hare or a Pike to put me in Mind [Page 237] [...]f the happy Moments we formerly enjoyed at [...]l. Harding's. This which follows came with [...] Present, and may serve as a Specimen to [...]hew the World what an odd Way of Think­ [...]ng a Man of very good Sense may contract, [...]ho has no Commerce with any Thing but [...]is Books, and his own Imagination.

WHen I was formerly an Oxford Scholar, I had the Honour of being Mace-bearer [...]o the Club of Ugly Faces for several Years to­gether; and I remember it was of very great Use to me in those Times, for as I had never [...]ny Money in my Pocket to spend, so neither [...]ad I any Occasion for it, it being a standing Rule in the Club, always to run away without [...]aying the Reckoning; as it was also, that we [...]hould never come to the same House twice. I [...]emember several excellent Discourses had in [...]hat Society in Praise of Deformity: It was [...]enerally defin'd to be a sportive Deviation of [...]ature, when she exercised her Plastick Facul­ [...]y in the Formation of Man, to distinguish her [...]avourites from those of a common Concern. The Two general Divisions ran upon Redun­ [...]ancies and Defects, as they related to the par­ [...]cular Parts of a humane Body. Redundan­ [...]es comprehended Carbuncles, Hair-Lips, Wattles on the Nose, Coalition of Eyebrows, [Page 242] Elevations of Back and Breast, &c. Defe [...] were, Pigs Eyes, Tup Noses, short Necks, [...] vernous Cheeks, flat and sharp Scalps, &c. T [...] several Members of our Society were each [...] them dignified with some one or more of the [...] respective Qualifications; insomuch that, wh [...] we sate down together over our Eleemosyna [...] Cups, we made a very good Symmetry in [...] Appearance, by an artful Disposition of our [...] dies in a proper Place and Light, whereby [...] seemed to transfer from one to another wh [...] might be defective or superfluous, and by [...] tual Applications obumbrate our common Failures and Excesses. It was the customary Business of the Night to make Panegyrical Orations on our natural Features, which were indeed of that wonderful Structure, that neith [...] the Tongue of Demosthenes could describe, th [...] Chissel of Polycletus carve, nor the Pencil [...] Apelles paint, with all those proper Graces th [...] ought to be express'd in such elegant Subjec [...] I remember Anthracius, then Steward of th [...] Club, had a Carbuncle on his Nose of the fir [...] Magnitude, not unworthy the Crown of [...] Oriental Monarch, which did not use to shi [...] in its full Lustre till Midnight. Then it w [...] that the divine Phoxus, with his acumina [...] Crest high towring in the Air, conceived [...] Oration in Words to this Effect: ‘"Most no­ble Anthracius, I am not ignorant how [...] it is above the Power of my Eloquence s [...] ciently to commend the indulgent Benigni [...] of Nature, who has placed that effulge [...] Fungus of massy Light, on the utmost Pro­montory of thy lovely Visage: See how [...] diffusive Rays dazzle his languid Peepe [...] and spread a lambent Fire over the who [...] Surface of his Jowls and Chuckles. Thri [...] happy Insects! Who, now in Egg, are lodg [...] [Page 243] in the benign putrid Cells of so foecund an Ovary, expecting to be called forth to the perpetual Day which always surrounds it: How will you then flirt your flitting Wings, and buz within the Verge of that glowing Vortex."’ The Oration was received with universal Applause, and Anthracius about to answer; but the Proctors coming in, we were obliged to defer the Hearing till next Night.

I am resolved, in Imitation of this wise and excellent Constitution, to establish another Club here in London, where I shall not despair of a Number sufficient to make our Comple­ment, and have already sent me from Oxford the true and genuine Impression of the Mace, taken in Clay at a general Meeting of that ex­cellent Society, and have sent it to my Carver, intending to open with the first Meeting at Fern's, at the Rose in Catherine-street next Mon­day Night, where any Person may be admitted that is duly qualified, after having passed an Examination by my faithful and watchful Se­cretary Mr. Henry Dighton, in Fleetstreet, whom, for his great Sagacity and Judgment in the Mathematical Proportion of Faces, I do depute thereunto.

P. S. Since my finishing this Paper, the fol­lowing Letter came to my Hands from the Club at Oxford, which I thought fit to insert here.

Ordered, That the Spectator make his perso­nal Appearance between this and Monday next before Secretary Dighton, in order to be exa­mined.

Ordered also, That none presume to come to the Club with Faces distorted on Purpose to gain Admission, or with Vizard-Masques to dis­semble an Accomplishment.

N. B. In case of Non-Attendance, I shall summon from Time to Time all those who shall out of Contempt absent themselves, or whose Modesty will not suffer them to lay Claim to their being received in the Society.

LOng have I laboured, and much have I travelled, for the Improvement of my Fellow-Subjects. I have not been wanting by my Speculations to show the easy and pleasant Ways to Virtue; nor have I been less severe in censuring Vice wherever I met it, which I find every where increase, and come on apace, while Virtue slowly creeps up, meets with continual Opposition, and seldom, very seldom comes to that Perfection as to dare to look Vice in the Face; but then it easily looks such false Courage out of Countenance. It was most amazing to me, when I was Yester­day at St. James's Coffee-house, to see a for­ward Youth, well dressed and powdered, whom I knew not only to be of very mean Extract, but of more despicable Parts, lay his extraor­dinary Chin over a Duke's Shoulder, and as familiarly ask him impertinent Questions, as if his Equality or Intimacy entitled him to di­sturb that noble Peer, who, when he was de­livered from the Weight of his Chin, enquired who he was. How easy had it been for me to have told the Company, that that Place was [Page 246] indeed very fit for him, but in another Capacity? However I only privately informed th [...] Master, who, in Respect to his Brother CoffeeMan, desired the Count to know himself, an [...] not be so familiar with those that he did no [...] know. From that Place I came to Tom's at Devereux-Court. I have a singular Respect for that courteous Man, and find, that if he per­mits Doctor Sal-vo—to lay aside the Man in that violent Man, and with an Indignation (greater than can be admitted to any Orator) retire into the Third Sphere, and talk Things indeed not fit to be heard, I assure my Under-Secretary, that as Curiosity at present doubles his Customers at the Doctor's Eloquence, in a short Time, as no Body else now can be heard, there will be no Body to hear.

Ordered therefore, That unless the said Do­ctor will condescend to be on the Level with Common Sense, his Tea be always Two De­grees under Proof; That he be allowed no Tobacco, nor the Use of his own S. V. O. both too conducive to Agitation; but after having paid his Penny, you show him the Situation of your Door.

What made me in some Measure excuse the Doctor's Vociferation was, that I did not see as usual the News-Papers, of which none could give Account, till in about Half an Hour's Time I saw a Man come out of the Yard with a Handful, yet enquiring most thirstily for the Post-Boy; till he had that, he would not deliver the rest. Upon Enquiry, I found him to be my old Friend the Upholsterer revi­ved in a North-British Barber, who is so great a Patriot, so good a Politician, so sollicitous for the Grand Alliance in General, and so tender of [Page 247] the Interest of every particular Court, that for them he neglects the more trifling Cares of domestick Concerns, and appears early and late in a tatter'd Gown. ‘"Sir, (says he to me) by your Leave, there is one Paragraph of ve­ry great Importance which has escaped me."’ And having directed me to it, (for I would not again part with it out of my Hand) desired I would read it, which I did in a direct Line through the whole Paper, without Regard to the Distinction of Columns, and was as fol­lows:

‘'Ay Sir, said he, How can that be? Surely Sir—Nay, look'ee Sir, said I, If you don't like my Reading, if you'll stay so long for it as you have made others, you may have it again; but he retired.'’

DIscouraged and wearied by the ill Success of my Endeavours to reclaim this obsti­nate Age f om its Vices and Follies, I have of­ten had it in my Thoughts to quit my Office. My Friends all importune me to it, and one of them, whom in January last I had desired to continue this Paper during a necessary Avoca­tion of mine, actually tried to lay it down handsomly for me. Nothing has hindered me from complying with their Requests, but a strong Benevolence I have always had towards Mankind, and an ardent Desire of doing some Good in my Generation. These alone have supported me under my Disappointment, and now prompt me to put in Execution a new Scheme, which is to abate something from the Grandeur of my Enterprize; and, since I can­not attain a greater Good, to attempt a less, no longer endeavouring to ease Men of their Fol­lies, but in their Follies; nor striving to make [Page 249] Men supportable to each other, but each one to himself. This Thought arose in me the o­ther Night at the Play, upon observing several Difficulties that many of our Nobility and Gen­try laboured under. A pretty young Gentle­man tore his Breeches, and broke his Sword, by getting over the Box into the Pit, that he might have that Opportunity of exposing to Sight his Pearl-coloured Stockings and red-top'd Shoes. Another, who had a very fine Wig, and a Feather in his Hat, was forced to sit covered all the Time, and spoil the Wig to shew the Feather. A Third, lest his fring'd Gloves should not be seen, underwent the Pain of leaning forwards for a whole Play together upon the fore Part of the Box, setting his Arms upright upon his Elbows. A Fourth, who was in low Circumstances of Stature, every now and then with great Labour heaved into Sight a rich Sword-Knot: And many others were variously hamper'd and perplex'd in displaying their several Fineries. To remedy which In­conveniences, I at first thought it might be pro­per to advise the Owners of the Play-house to appropriate each Division of the Side-Boxes to a several Dress, and to distinguish them by In­scriptions over them in large Letters in these and the like Words:

• Red-top'd Shoes.
• Sword-Knots.
• Feathers.
• Fring'd Gloves.
• Gold Snuff-Boxes.
• Dress'd at all Points.

By which Means the whole Audience would at one Glance be appriz'd of the particular Or­nament of every Person in that Division.

[Page 250] But reflecting since that this Invention would be of too narrow an Use, (it being likely to ex­tend only to the Play-house, and perhaps a Ca­thedral or two) I have applied my self to find out something that may be of general Ease to the Beau Monde; proceeding in this Manner; I considered what might be the Rise or Cause of all that vast Variety of Fashions which we Yearly see. This I found to be solely the Oftentation of Riches; for upon this Accoun [...] it is, that People have no sooner one Sui [...] brought Home from the Taylor's, but (to shew that their Purse is not exhausted) they bespeak another, which (that it may appear to the most careless Eye to be a late Purchase) must differ from the former, not only in Matter, but in Form. This in the present Course of Things will be an eternal Occasion of the Mutability of Fashions, and as a Man has but one Way of being in the Right, and Ten thousand of be­ing in the Wrong, so there can be but one Dress commodious, and as soon as we deviate from that, we shall find all the rest trouble­some. I therefore thought, that if a Medium could be invented by me, whereby both the Fair and the Foul. Sex might at once be rid of the Incumbrances of the Mode, and be conti­nued in the Reputation of Profuseness, I should do an acceptable Piece of Service to my Country, and procure to my self Peace of Mind in a Consciousness that I had not lived in vain. This I hope I have at last happily ef­fected by the following Project:

The Advantages that will arise from this Of­fice are innumerable. I shall only hint at a few, which will put the Reader into a Way of discovering many more.

By Vertue of proper Credentials, Gentlemen may wear Wigs of such Size and Colour as shall best suit with their Features and Complexions, and yet have the Credit of Light Full-Bottoms. Thick Legs may be diminished by black Stock­ings, and Spindle-Shanks enlarged by white, yet both be reputed as Scarlet Silk. Corns may be avoided by keeping the Feet in easy old Shoes, and yet the Owner maintain the Reputation of having a new Pair every Day. Ladies, by these Credentials, may yet farther enlarge their Petticoats, which in their present Method is impossible to be done. They may make their Head-Dresses proportionable to their Petticoats, and they may patch their Faces with Diamonds without Disparagement to their Eyes.

I am not insensible how highly beneficial this Scheme might be in raising Money for the [Page 252] Publick; but a former Project of mine ha­ving been rejected with Scorn when I offer­ed it, and Two Years after made Use of with good Success, but without any Acknow­ledgment of or to the Inventor, I am dis­gusted from making any more Proposals of that Nature. I had once a Mind to apply the Profits to Charitable Uses; but then I thought again, that doing Good with the Money would be so prodigious an Altera­tion in the Application of it, that it would create an insuperable. Objection against the whole Undertaking in those who were likely to be my Contributors; so that I have at last resolved to apply it wholly to my own Benefit.

IT is impossible to describe Wit by Generals: We must descend to Particulars, and trace it Part by Part. For Wit is like Beauty: We may admire the Air, the Symmetry, the whole Collection of Charms; but we cannot express it without running over the Lip, the Neck, the Eye, the Breasts, and every individual Fea­ture. At present I shall examine that Sort of Wit we call Turns. These appear to Advan­tage in some Parts of Poetry, which make their proper Province, but lose their Lustre when misplaced, and have nothing to excuse them, but an unbounded irregular Fancy. The Ornaments of Poetry, like those of Dress, owe their Ecclat in a great Measure to their Situa­tion. A Turn, that would have given Life to an Epigram, will make an Image in Heroicks particoloured and ridiculous; as the same Jew­el which adorned the Ear or the Neck, would in the Nose look monstrous and rueful. This [Page 254] Misapplication then is a Species of False Wi [...] and has a large Share in the Degeneracy [...] our modern Writers. I should be apt to distinguish the Muse that inspired this Sort [...] Wit from the Divine Calliope, as I would a C [...] quet from a Fine Woman: One is all Air an [...] Affectation; the other refines upon good Sense [...] yet converses in proper Words and Sentiments. A Turn is the Creature of Fancy, that after it is born, is put under the Tuition of the Judg­ment, which is to assign it a proper Station, and to stint its Extravagancies. When it de­pends upon the Words or Style, great Care is to be used that it may not dwindle into P [...] and Jingle; and when it consists chiefly in the Thought, the same Diligence is required that it may not sink into any of those Flowers of the School, or Common-Places of Youth, by which they gradually ascend to this Attainment. Both the Real and Verbal Turn owe their Beau­ty to Novelty; for there is no greater Per­fection in these Witticisms, than what arises from that sudden Surprize they make upon the Imagination. They seem to take their Name from their Nature; for they consist mostly in advancing a Thought or Expression, and then making what follows, play upon it in an agreeable Way, either by retracting what went before, or wittily perverting it, or comparing it with something that hits the same Fact or Idea to any Degree of Exactness, or giving some surprizing Reason for it when it seemed a Paradox. Indeed, the Variety of Turns is so great, and their Beauty so entirely owing to this Variety, that it is almost impossible to fix them to any stated Rules. A Turn being the Product of Fancy, it is unnatural to use it but in those gayer and more airy Parts of Poetry, where the Fancy is at Liberty to wanton and [Page 255] gambol. In the Epick, in Tragedy, or in that Sort of Elegy which has Distress for its Subject, it would be ridiculous and trifling; for here the chief Business belongs to the Judgment, and the Fancy is only concerned in ranging for Images and Ideas equal to the Grandeur of the Subject. A Hero in a Passion, might as well express the high Sentiments of his Soul by laughing at one of the Plumes out of his Hel­met, as by playing with a Turn or a Double Entendre. A Lover, lamenting the Rigour of his Mistress, or a Poet the Loss of his Friend, in this sportive Way, would make as aukward a Figure as the resigned Ardelia, when she laughs at the Mischiefs committed by her Monkey, though the Loss of her China wrings her very Soul; or an Irishman, in his Country Way, singing at a Funeral. The Ancients had Abundance of this Sort of Wit, and used it more discreetly than the Moderns. The Greeks indeed appear perfect Strangers to it: They had other Ways to improve that Mirth which was so natural to them. Anacreon and Aristo­phanes write in a Way where Turns are a Beau­ty, and yet it is very difficult to find so much as one Expression of that Sort in their Works. Homer, Hesiod, Theocritus, and Musaeus, have no­thing like it in their Poems. It seems to have begun at Rome, when Epigrams became the common Entertainment of their best People. After Supper, or over a Bottle in a cool Re­treat, it was their Custom to divert one ano­ther with reciting or composing three or four Distichs, that were usually pointed with one of these Turns, in which they were smart upon some of the reigning Coxcombs, Coquets, or Humours of that Age. Modern Lampoons were introduced as a Third Course at the Ta­bles of great Men in Imitation of this Custom. [Page 256] A good Part of Martial's Epigrams seem [...] have been made at some of those Conversations; whence we may account for the grea [...] Inequality in his Works, which himself acknowledges—

For we may imagine, that the Grave Pieces were made just upon the Whet, the Bright after the first Bottle, and the Smutty after a full Dose. The Applause that followed up­on these smart Things, tempted the Fraternity to mingle them with their most Serious and Pathetick Works. Ovid, whose great Fault was Redundante, ran early into a palpable Ex­travagance this Way. In his Exile, amidst Cold, Hunger, Solitude, and Distress, he indulges this aukward B [...]dinery very feelingly. Imagine a generous Fellow, touched with the Loss of a Fine Woman, and could he find Leisure for so egregious a Turn as—

Narcissus is turned into a Flower, and well deserved it for playing with his own Misery, and making Flowers of his Misfortunes. When he bursts forth in the most wanton Merriment, with—

You would think he were varying at Wert­minster, and not preparing himself for a real Transformation.

[Page 257] Virgil, the most judicious and correct Writer in the World, has studiously avoided every Temptation to this Error. His—

Is the only Thing that looks like a Turn. How carefully does he avoid it in that fine Complaint of Gallus—

There is all the Beauty of the Analagy in two Words, which Ovid would have wire­drawn into two Lines at least: For a Professor of Turns can never forbear exerting himself when he happens to bring a Scornful Mistress into the Company of Cold and Frost, till he has made the Lady a perfect Winter-piece; and 'tis all one if Fire had made a Third Per­son in the Conversation. I remember a very celebrated Epigram, which begins thus:

Where the Author submits to be pelted with Snow-balls by his Mistress for Eight Lines to­gether, on Purpose to take the Benefit of this Melting Allegory. It would set up an ordina­ry Critick to take the Moderns to Task upon this single Article, the Misapplication of Turns. The Time may perhaps come, when I may in Person summon our great Alexander, Theodosius, Brutus, Anthony, Caesar, T [...], Appius, and Osmyn, to answer their Extravagancies this Way, and out of their own Mouths shall condemn them. I do not mean for little harm­less Turns made in their Res [...]eries, their cool [Page 258] Soliloquies, or in snip-snap Dialogue with a Priest or a Gentleman-Usher; but for Turus i [...] Fits of Love and of Madness; for Turus spoke [...] in the very Face of Death, and of the Gods themselves; nay, in the very Face of their Mistresses: And I am not mistaken, if they have not sometimes raised the inordinate Ap­petite of Wit to the horrid Outrage of a down­right Quibble.

A Lover's Meditation on his Mistress.

THE Hours to me are Ages of Misery; they must be insupportable to a Wretch who can never know what Joy is but in her Presence. Love may well be defined a restless Impatience to be with those we adore. What a miserable Constraint then must I live under, who make it my Business to avoid the Mistress of my Soul? Where my Heart, my Wishes, my Thoughts are eternally, there I must never be. Did she but know what I suffer, and how much a Discretion as exact as mine makes one miserable; but alas! they must love like me that are to guess at my Torments. I hardly know I live, but by what I endure for her. O! Nothing can touch my Soul; there is no Har­mony [Page 259] in Words, unless she speaks-them; there is no Bliss, but in her Smile; no Terror, but in her Frown; nothing worth living for, but her Esteem. There is this Comfort in an Af­fliction like mine, no other Thing can give me a Moment's Uneasiness. She prevents all other Grief, she prevents all other Pleasure. If the whole World should change its Place, and she not concerned, I should hardly perceive it. Whether Peace or War, what Party prevails, whose Ruin is near, all these Things are now indifferent, they employ not my Thoughts. My only Impatience is to increase her good Opinion, my only Care not to forfeit her Esteem. This Thought brings me into one of those terrible Fits of Fear which often seize them that adore her. I know I am not in positive Disobedience; and a little Equivocation, if so much practised in Religion, may be indulged in Love. I nei­ther write nor send to her; I dare not disobey. Sure if there be any Thing like a Fault in this, I am safe. Who is it is to accuse? Who is guilty? And I hope I may say, What is the Crime? This Letter is sent to you, meant to her, and it came from him; but, Who are these? In this Dress, it is to every Body, it is to no Body. How will you draw up my In­dictment? However let me not be condemn'd unaccus'd, unheard; save me from being cri­minal, if you can think me so. Burn this, and there can be but a single Evidence against me, your self; and there never shall be another. This is the plotting Way of your Servant, who with less Fear would engage in Treason than in what might offend her too scrupulous Nice­ness. I confess I tremble, tho' I can say (if this be one) it is a new Kind of Sin, against which there is no Law.

Her Eyes were not more fatal to me the first Time that I saw them, than my own have been [Page 260] false to my Heart ever since, if they have [...] told her a Thousand Times that I die for [...] Alas! How many Tears will that Happin [...] cost them? They have gaz'd upon her, th [...] have confess'd a Passion; and should not [...] Hand declare, my Tongue endeavour to describe it, that she might know my Love [...] as it ought to be? The Adoration that I [...] her is such, and no other but what we shou [...] all pay the Gods were their charming Attri­butes so visible. I was prepared for their [...] ­tal Influence before I saw her Eyes, I was be­witch'd by her Syren Tongue before I heard it. I lov'd the Spring from whence she came, and my Soul follows the enticing Stream with Plea­sure. I knew there must be Wit and Fire be­fore I heard so, and I found more than was spoken of. Thus I was struck by Prepossession, and the Poison first instilled into my Heart be­fore I saw or knew her, can never be removed from thence by all that I shall ever see or know. I would not profane a Confession as sincere as ever was a dying Man's with the least Aug­mentation of Truth. I will not pretend that I have not endeavoured to remove, by any other Object, a Stroke of Fate (as I may call it) that has given and will give me such Uneasiness. Were I to make a Wish for a Friend, he should have many Half-Passions, but none such as I have felt for her.

O! This would content me alone, that she might know how long I have struggled against her Charms in vain.

As the Beginning of my Fate was extraordi­nary, I think all the Steps of it have been and will be out of the common Road. The Foun­dation of a common Passion is a Desire to please ones self, but the Aim of mine is only to please her I adore.

[Page 261] Could it be more Satisfaction to her to have [...]e wretched than happy, I should chuse the [...]rst, and find some Satisfaction in Misery: But what I cannot endure is to be indifferent to [...]er; to be eternally thinking of her, and never [...]hought of by her. Heavens preserve me from [...]his, and I willingly in every Thing else sub­ [...]it to Fate.

O how I fear her Wit, her Judgment, that Distinction that lets no Folly escape! I fear her [...]ut upon this Score, for sure I am, all her Pe­ [...]etration can never discover the least Contra­ [...]iction, the least Deceit in any Word, the least Want of Respect in any Action. Sure I am, no Time can ever discover the least Diminution in [...]y Zeal, and must I nevertheless fear this most [...]dored Lady should employ that Over-Stock of Wit she hath to ridicule the Sufferings of a [...]reaking Heart, so faithful, so submissive, so [...]incere? O! How shall I express my self? What [...]hall I say? Or is it possible to be silent? There [...] a distracted Language she does not under­ [...]tand; the Dialect is particular to them that [...]ove; and the cruel Lady will find no Sense in [...], because she is insensible. She must not then play the Critick too severely, if she should chance to hear my Complaints. She must ex­cuse my accusing her of Ignorance. What is it she does not understand but Love? Vows, Curses, Melancholy, Madness, Hopes, Despair, Shunning, Pursuing, Passion, Discretion, Im­patience, Resignation; all these in one Letter, she would call a romantick Heap of Contra­dictions shuffled together; yet they do all a­gree in me, and work at once in my distracted Mind. If the greatest Wit had put them toge­ther with the utmost Art and Passion, they would express less than I feel: The Thoughts would be below my Love, and not above the Truth.

[Page 262] Who can teach me to write to this terri [...] Lady, that ignorant of the Fatality of [...] Charms, might suspect the Effects of the [...] and when they are but faintly painted, wo [...] think the Colours fierce? What can I have [...] course to but Plainness and Sincerity? S [...] then without Offence I may tell this Tr [...] What can the Admiration of her Wit, the [...] dence of her Generosity, and Truth added [...] these, that charming Agreeableness in eve [...] Word, in every Look, in every Action? W [...] can all these produce, but Love with the ut [...] Passion? O there the Criminal Word is [...] and yet she cannot be displeased, though [...] without Virtue, without Wit, with little [...] putation, might pretend to be angry.

Were it too much for a Man she hath broug [...] to the Brink of Despair, for a Man that wo [...] die a Thousand Deaths to serve her, to who [...] Life is a Burthen unless she make it easier [...] him? O were it too much to beg Leave, wh [...] he scarce ever sees her, when he dare ne [...] speak, that he might sometimes ease his So [...] in a respectful Line! Has not every Body ete [...] nal Opportunities of speaking to her? And [...] I, that suffer more than ever Man did, not da [...] almost to come near her? I cannot doubt b [...] you will judge impartially upon this Occasio [...] Is it possible, after having gazed upon tho [...] searching Eyes, to escape their Power? Is i [...] possible to hear her Words, and cease adorin [...] her? Is it possible to love to the Distractio [...] that they do who know her, and not langui [...] eternally after the Sight of her? Is it possible, when there is no Hopes of seeing her, to support the cruel Absence without writing to her? I know what you would say for you [...] self. Think then what is the miserable Condi­tion of him who struggles with all these seem­ing Impossibilities; but to live near her, and [Page 263] be as far from her as the Antipodes! And if I never see her only for some hasty Moments in an Age, and in these Separations not permitted to give the least Ease to my distracted Soul, O were not Dying preferable to this restless Life! For I fright my self if I write what I never in­tend to send, and I awake in Terrors if I but dream of her. My hard Fa [...]e condemns me to adore her in all the opposite and most torment­ [...]ng Circumstances of Love, with a Distraction [...]eading to Madness, yet with a Reservedness that would shame Philosophy, and with a Re­spect might suffice a Deity; with an Impatience that gives an eternal Rack to my Soul, yet could I wait Hours, Days, and Weeks, for one Moment's Sight of her. O the false Fires with which the persecuting Fops afflict your Sex! Every Way false! They are not such as warm my Breast. Though I could leap through Flames to come to her, and not feel more Heat; though I could swim through Seas, and not quench the Flame; yet I love with that Cool­ness and Temper, with that Command over my Passion, that, rather than bring her to the least Inconveniency, I would renounce the ut­most Happiness if it were in my Reach. One would think this were enough to be allowed the most passionate, the most miserable of Men. Misery beyond this is hardly to be conceived. This seems Torment enough in Love to drag an afflicted Heart through so many distracted Fears for such an Eternity: But to have lived accused of having deserved her Anger, to think I was accounted Criminal, that knew the ten­der faithful Passion of my Soul; to live thus for Ages, for many Months without obtaining one happy to be justified, without doing any Thing rash or indiscreet to show my Innocence: This you will sure allow to have been Torment and Discretion beyond any Example.

[Page 264] But I eternally find Fault with the faint D [...] scriptions I make of what I suffer, and shou [...] have an eternal Task indeed, were I to begi [...] again till I could satisfy my self in what I say [...] her I love. This, and this alone, justifies [...] forbidding the Attempt, since she only forbi [...] what Impossibility prevents; for were my Pa [...] sion to be described, it would not be unfit [...] her to hear. Not to complain, and endure [...] much, is impossible; but to hope for C [...] without being able to describe the Disea [...] seems Madness; therefore, alas I ask, I see [...] I hope for none. Let her but give me Opi [...] to allay my Grief, and only help me langui [...] out Life in less painful Love. What Word [...] what Language can express my passionate R [...] spect, or give the least Idea of the Distracti [...] of my Soul? She methinks, and she alone th [...] is capable of creating it, might conceive i [...] O were it but conceived, I should not wholl [...] be left unpitied in the wretched Impossibility [...] one Moment's Happiness or Quiet! She wou [...] think with some Conscience, that from the fir [...] Moment I saw, I heard her speak, I have la [...] guished out my Life in never-ceasing Uneas [...] ness. Racks are forbidden for our Bodies b [...] our Laws, and is it lawful for her to torme [...] and crueify my Soul? Against the happy M [...] ment that I see her next, may some genero [...] Friend advise her to consult that Heart of her [...] which would shew more Compassion where i [...] were less necessary: Let her consider, whethe [...] there is nothing due to that faithful Slave, wh [...] at all Times, in all Places lives, but dying fo [...] her.