JOHN had a Mother, whom he Lov'd and Honour'd extremely, a Discreet, Grave, Sober Good Con­dition'd, Cleanly Old Gentlewoman, as ever liv'd; she was none of your Cross-grain'd termagant [Page] scolding Jades, that one had as good be hang'd as live in the House with, such as are always censuring the Conduct, and telling scandalous Stories of their Neighbours, extolling their own good Qualities, and undervaluing those of others. On the contrary, she was of a Meek Spirit, and as she was strictly Virtuous her self, so she always put the best Construction upon the Words and Actions of her Neighbours, except where they were irreconcileable to the Rules of Honesty and Decency. She was neither one of your precise Prudes, nor one of your phantastical old Belles, that Dress themselves like Girls of Fifteen; as she neither wore a Ruff, Fore-head Cloth, nor High-crown'd Hat, so she had laid aside Feathers, Flowers, and crimpt Ribons in her Head-dress, Furbulow Scarfs and Hoop'd Petticoats. She scorn'd to Patch and Paint, yet she lov'd to keep her Hands and her Face Clean. Tho' she wore no flaunting lac'd Ruffles, she would not keep her self in a constant Sweat with greasy Flan­nel: Tho' her Hair was not stuck with Jewels, she was not asham'd of a Diamond Cross; she was not like some Ladies, hung about with Toys and Trinkets, Twiser Cases, Pocket-Glasses and Essence Bottles; she us'd only a Gold Watch and an Almanack, to mark the Hours and the Holy-Days. Her Furniture was neat and genteel, well fancy'd with a bon Goust. As she affected not the Grandeur of a State with a Cano­py, she thought there was no Offence in an Elbow Chair; she had laid aside your Carving, Gilding and Japan Work, as being too apt to gather Dirt, but she never could be prevail'd upon to part with plain Wainscot and clean Hangings. There are some La­dies that affect to smell a stink in every Thing; they are always highly perfum'd, and continually burning Frankincense in their Rooms; she was above such Af­fectation, yet she never would lay aside the Use of Brooms and scrubbing Brushes, and scrupl'd not to lay her Linnen in fresh Lavender: She was no less genteel in her Behaviour, well-bred without Affectation, in the due mean between one of your affected Cursying [Page] pieces of Formality, and your Romps that have no regard to the common Rules of Civility. There are some Ladies that affect a Mighty regard for their Relations; We must not Eat to Day, for my Uncle Tom , or my Cousin Betty dy'd this time ten Years; Let's have a Ball to Night, it is my Neighbour such a ones Birth-day; she look'd upon all this as Grimace; yet she constant­ly observ'd her Husband's Birth-day, her Wedding-day, and some few more. Tho' she was a truly good Woman, and had a sincere Motherly Love for her Son John, yet there wanted not those who endeavour'd to create a Misunderstanding between them, and they had so far prevail'd with him once, that he turn'd her out of Doors to his geeat Sorrow, as he found after­wards, for his Affairs went all at sixes and sevens. She was no less Judicious in the turn of her Conversation and Choice of her Studies, in which she far exceeded all her Sex; your Rakes that hate the Company of all sober, grave Gentlewomen, would bear hers, and she would by her handsome manner of proceeding sooner reclaim than some that were more sower and reserv'd; she was a zealous Preacher up of Chastity, and Con­jugal Fidelity in Wives, and by no means a Friend to the new-fangl'd Doctrine of the Indispensible Duty of Cuckoldom: Tho she advanc'd her Opinions with a becoming Assurance, yet she never usher'd them in, as some positive Creatures will do, with dogmatical Assertions, This is infallible; I cannot be mistaken; none but a Rogue can deny it. It has been observ'd that such People are oftner in the Wrong than any Body; tho' she had a thousand good Qualities, she was not without her Faults, amongst which one might perhaps reckon too great Lenity to her Servants, to whom she always gave good Counsel, but often too gentle Correction. I thought I could not say less of John Bull's Mother, because she bears a part in the following Transactions.

JOHN had a Sister a poor Girl that had been starv'd at Nurse; any Body would have guess'd Miss to have been bred up under the Influence of a cruel Step-Dame, and John to be the Fondling of a tender Mother. John look'd ruddy and plump, with a pair of Cheeks like a Trumpeter; Miss look'd pale and wan, as if she had the Green-Sickness; and no wonder for John was the Darling, he had all the good Bits, was cramm'd with good Pullet, Chicken, Pig, Goose and Capon; while Miss had only a little Oatmeal and Water, or a dry Crust without Butter. John had his golden Pippens, Peaches and Nectarnes; poor Miss a Crap Apple, Sloe or Blackberry. Master lay in the best Apartment, with his Bed Chamber toward the South Sun. Miss lodg'd in a Garret, expos'd to the North Wind, which shrevel'd her Countenance; however, this Usage tho it stunted the poor Girl in her Growth, gave her a hardy Constitution; she had Life and Spirit in abundance, and knew when she was ill used; Now and then she would seize upon John's Commons, snatch a Leg of a Pullet, or a bit of good Beef, for which they were sure to go to Fisticuffs. Master was indeed too strong for her, but Miss would not yield in the least Point, but ev'n when Master had got her down, she would scratch and bite like a Tyger; when he gave her a Cuff on the Ear, she would prick him with her Knitting-Needle. John brought a great Chain one Day to tye her to the Bed Post, for which Affront Miss aim'd a Pen-knife at his Heart: In short, these Quarrels grew up to rooted Aversions, they gave one another Nicknames, she call'd him Gundyguts, and he call'd her Lousy Peg: Tho' the Girl was a right clever Wench as any was, and thro' her pale Looks, you might discern Spirit and Vivacity, which made her not indeed a perfect Beauty, but something that was agreeable. It was barbarous [Page] in Parents not to take Notice of these early Quarrels, and make them live better together, such Domestick Fewds proving afterwards the occasion of Misfortunes to them both. Peg had indeed some odd Humours and comical Antipathy, for which John would jeer her. What think you of my Sister Peg ( says he) that faints at the Sound of an Organ, and yet will dance and frisk at the Noise of a Bagpipe? What's that to you, Gundy-guts , (quoth Peg ) every Body's to chuse their own Musick.' Then Peg had taken a Fancy not to say her Pater-noster, which made People imagine strange things of her. Of the three Brothers that have made such a Clutter in the World, Lord Peter, Martin and Jack; Jack had of late been her Inclinations; Lord Peter she detested; nor did Martin stand much better in her good Graces, but Jack had found the way to her Heart. I have often admir'd what Charms she discover'd in that aukward Booby, till I talk'd with a Person that was acquainted with the Intrigue, who gave me the follow­ing Account of it.

IN the first place, Jack was a very young Fellow, by much the youngest of the three Brothers, and Peo­ple indeed wonder'd how such a young upstart Jack­anapes shou'd grow so pert and saucy, and take so much upon him. (2.) Jack brag'd of greater Abilities than other Men; he was well gifted, as he pretended; I need not tell you what secret Influence that has upon the Ladies. (3.) Jack had a most scandalous Tongue, and persuaded Peg that all Mankind besides himself were pox'd by that scarletfac'd Whore Signiora Bubo­nia. ‘As for his Brother Lord Peter, the Tokens were evident in him Blotches, Scabs, and the Co­rona: His Brother Martin though he was not quite so bad, had some nocturnal Pains, which his Friends pretended were only Scorbutical; but, he was sure, proceeded from a worse Cause.’ By such malicious Insinuations, he had possess'd the Lady, that he was [Page] the only Man in the World, of a sound, pure, and untainted Constitution: Tho' there were some that stuck not to say, that Signiora Bubonia and Jack rail'd at one another, only the better to hide an Intrigue; and, that Jack had been found with Signiora under his Cloak, carrying her home in a dark stormy Night. (4.) Jack was a prodigious Ogler; he would Ogle you the outside of his Eye inward, and the White up­ward. (5.) Jack gave himself out for a Man of great Estate in the Fortunate Islands, of which the sole Pro­perty was vested in his Person; by this Trick he chea­ted abundance of poor People of small Sums, pre­tending to make over Plantations in the said Islands; but, when the poor Wretches came there with Jack's Grant, they were beat, mock'd, and turn'd out of Doors. (6.) I told you that Peg was whimsical, and lov'd any thing that was particular: In that way Jack was her Man; for he neither thought, spoke, dress'd, nor acted like other Mortals: He was for your bold Strokes; he rail'd at Fops, tho' himself the most af­fected in the World; instead of the common Fashion, he would visit his Mistress in a Mourning Cloak, Band, short Cuffs, and a peaked Beard. He invented a way of coming into a Room backwards, which he said shew'd more Humility, and less Affectation: where other People stood, he sat; where they sat, he stood; when he went to Court, he us'd to kick away the State, and sit down by his Prince Cheek by Choul, Confound these States (says he) they are a modern Invention; when he spoke to his Prince he always turn'd his Br [...]ch upon him; if he was advis'd to fast for his Health he would eat Roast beef; if he was allow'd a more plen­tiful Diet, then he would be sure that Day to live upon Watergruel; he would cry at a Wedding, laugh and make Jests at a Funeral. He was no less singular in his Opinions; you would have burst your sides to hear him talk Politicks: ‘All Governments (says he) is founded upon the right Distribution of Pu­nishments; decent Executions keep the World in awe; for that Reason the Majority of Mankind [Page] ought to be hang'd every Year; for Example, I suppose, the Magistrate ought to pass an irreversible Sentence upon all blue-ey'd Children from the Cra­dle; but that there may be some shew of Justice in his proceeding, these Children ought to be Train'd up, by Masters appointed for that purpose, to all sorts of Villany, that they may deserve their Fate, and the Execution of them may serve as an Object of Terror to the rest of Mankind.’ As to the giving of Pardons he had this singular Method, That when these Wretches had the Ropes about their Necks, it should be enquired, who believ'd they should be hanged, and who not? The first were to be Pardon'd, the last hang'd out-right: Such as were once par­don'd, were never to be hang'd afterwards, for any Crime whatsoever. He had such Skill in Physiogno­my, that he would pronounce peremptorily upon a Mans Face, That Fellow (says he) do what he will, can▪t avoid Hanging; he has a hanging Look. By the same Art, he would prognosticate a Principality to a Scoundrel. He was no less particular in the Choice of his Studies; they were generally bent to­wards exploded Chimera's, the perpetum Mobile, the circular Shot, Philosopher's Stone, and silent Gun­powder, making Chains for Flea's, Nets for Flies, and Instruments to unrevel Cobwebs, and split Hairs. Thus, I think, I have given you a distinct Account of the Methods he practis'd upon Peg. Her Brother would now and then ask her. ‘What a Devil dost thou see in that pragmatical Coxcomb, to make thee so in Love with him? He is a fit Match for a Tailor or a Shoemaker's Daughter, but not for you that are a Gentlewoman. Fancy is free (quoth Peg) I'll take my awn way, do you take yours; I do no care for your flaunting Beaus, that gang with their Breasts open, and their Sarks over their Waistcoats, that accost me with set Speeches out of Sidney's Arcadia, or, The Academy of Compliments. Jack is a sober grave Youngman; tho' he has none of your study'd Ha­rangues, his Meaning is sincere: He has a great Re­gard [Page] to his Father's Will; and he that shews himself a good Son, will make a good Husband; besides, I know he has the Original Deed of Conveyance to the Fortunate Islands; the others are Counterfeits.’ There is nothing so obstinate as young Ladies in their Amours; the more you Cross them, the Worse they are.

JOHN BULL, otherwise a good natur'd Man, was very hard-hearted to his Sister Peg, chiefly from an Aversion he had conceived in his Infancy. While he flourish'd, kept a warm House, and drove a plentiful Trade, poor Peg was forc'd to go hawking and pedling about the Streets, selling Knives, Scissars and Shoe-buckles; now and then carry'd a Basket of Fish to the Market; sow'd, spun and knit for a poor Livelihood, till her Fingers-end were sore; and when she could not get Bread for her Family, she was forc'd to hire 'em out at Journey-work to her Neighbours; Yet in these her poor Circumstances, she still preserv'd the Air and Mien of a Gentlewoman; a certain decent Pride, that extorted Respect from the haughtiest of her Neighbours; when she came into any full Assem­bly, she would not yield the pas to the best of them. If one ask'd her, Are not you related to John Bull? Yes (says she) he has the Honour to be my Brother. So Peg's Affairs went, till all the Relations cry'd out shame upon John, for his barbarous Usage of his own Flesh and Blood; that it was an easie matter for him to put her in a credible way of living, not only with­out Hurt, but with Advantage to himself, being she was an industrious Person, and might be serviceable to him in his way of Business. Hang her, Jade, (quoth John) I can't endure her, as long as she keeps that Rascal Jack's Company. They told him, the way to reclaim her was to take her into his House; that by Conversation, the childish Humours of their younger days might be worn out. These Arguments were en­forc'd [Page] by a certain Incident. It happen'd that John was at that time about making his Will, and entailing his Estate, the very same in which Nic. Frog is nam▪d Executor. Now his Sister Peg's Name being in the Entail, he could not make a thorough Settlement without her Consent. There was indeed a malicious Story went about as if John's last Wife had fall'n in love with Jack, as he was eating Custard a Horseback; that she perswaded John to take his Sister Peg into the House the better to drive on her Intrigue with Jack, concluding he would follow his Mistress Peg. All I can infer from this Story is, that when one has got a bad Character in the World, People will report and believe any thing of them, true or false. But to return to my Story; when Peg receiv'd John's Message, she huff'd and storm'd like the Devil: ‘My Brother John (quoth she) is grown wondrous kind hearted all of a suddain, but I meikle doubt, whether it be not mair for his awn Conveniency than my good; he draws up his Weits and his Deeds forsooth, and I mun set my Hand to them, unsight unseen. I like the young Man he has settled upon well enough, but I think I ought to have a valuable Consideration for my Consent: He wants my poor little Farm, because it makes a Nook in his Park Wall; ye may e'en tell him, he has mair than he makes good use of; he gangs up and down drinking, roaring and quarrelling through all the Countrey Merkats ma­king foolish Bargins in his Cups, which he repents when he is sober; like a thriftless Wretch, spending the Goods and Gear that his Fore-Fathers won with the Sweat of their Brows; light come, light go▪ he cares not a Farthing: But why should I stand Surety for his silly contracts? the little I have is free, and I can call it my own; Hame's hame be it never so hamely; I ken him well enough, he could never a­bide me, and when he has his ends he'll e'en use me as he did before; I'm sure I shall be treated like a poor Drudge; I shall be set to tend the Bairns, darn the Hose, and mend the Linnen. Then there's no [Page] living with that auld Carline his Mother, she rails at Jack and Jack's an honester man than any of her Kin: I shall be plagu'd with her Spells and her Pater­nosters and silly auld warld Ceremonies: I mun ne­ver pair my Nails on a Friday, nor begin a Journy on Childermas day, and I mun stand becking and bin­ging as I gang out and into the Hall: Tell him he may e'en gan his get, I'll have nothing to do with him, I'll stay like the poor Country Mouse, in my own Habitation.’ So Peg talkt; but for all that, by the Interposition of good Friends, and by many a bonny thing that were sent and many more that were promis'd Peg, the matter was concluded, and Peg ta­ken into the House upon certain Articles; one of which was, That she might have the Freedom of Jack's Conversation, and might take him for Better and for Worse, if she pleas'd; provided always, he did not come into the House at unseasonable Hours, and di­sturb the Rest of the Old Woman, John's Mother.

IT is an old Observation, that the Qnarrels of Rela­tions are harder to reconcile than any other; Inju­ries from Friends fret and gall more and the Memo­ry of them is not so easily obliterated: This is cunning­ly represented by one of your old Sages, called Aesop, in the Story of the Bird, that was griev'd extremely, for being wounded with an Arrow feather'd with his own Wing; as also of the Oak that let many a heavy Groan, when he was cleft with a Wedge of his own Timber. There was no Man in the World less sub­ject to Rancour than John Bull, considering how often his good Nature had been Abus'd; yet I don't know, but he was too apt to hearken to tatling People, that carried Tales between him and his Sister Peg, on pur­pose to sow Jealousies, and set them together by the [...]ars: They say that there were some Hardships put upon [...], that had been better let alone; but it was the Business of good People to restrain the Injuries on [Page] one side, and moderate the Resentments on the other; a good Friend acts both parts, the one without the other will not do. The Purchase-Money of Peg's Farm was ill paid; then Peg lov'd a little good Liquor, and the Servants shut up the Wine-Cellar, but for that Peg found a Trick, for she made a false Key; Peg's Ser­vants complain'd that they were debar'd from all man­ner of Business, and never suffer'd to touch the least thing within the House; if they offered to come into the Warehouse, then strait went the Yard slap over their Noddle; if they ventur'd into the Counting-Room, a Fellow would throw an Ink bottle at their Head; if they came into the best Apartment, to set any thing there in order, they were saluted with a Broom; if they meddl'd with any thing in the Kit­chen, it was odds but the Cook laid them over the Pate with a Ladle; one that would have got into the Stables, was met by two Rascals, who fell to work with him with a Brush and a Curry-comb; some climb­ing up into the Coach box, were told, that one of their Companions had been there before that could not drive, then slap went the long Whip about their Ears: On the other Hand it was complain'd, that Peg's Servants were always asking for Drink-Money, that they had more than their share of the Christmas-box; to say the Truth, Peg's Lads bustl'd pretty hard for that, for when they were endeavouring to Lock it up, they got in their great Fists, and pull'd out Handfuls of Half-Crowns, some Shillings and Six-pences, others in the Scramble pick'd up Guineas and Broad-pieces. But there happen'd a worse thing than all this, it was com­plain'd that Peg's Servants had great Stomachs, and brought too many of their Friends and Acquaintance to the Table; that John's Family was like to be Eat out of House and Home. Instead of regulating this Matter as it ought to be, Peg's young Men were thrust away from the Table; then there was the Devil and all to do, Spoons, Plates and Dishes, flew about the Room like mad, and Sir Roger, who was now Major Domo, had enough to do to quiet them. Peg said this [Page] was contrary to Agreement, whereby she was in all things to be treated like a Child of the Family; then she call'd upon those that had made her such fair Pro­mises, and undertook for her Brother John's good Behaviour; but alas! to her Cost, she found that they were the first and readiest to do her the Injury. John at last agreed to this Regulation, that Peg's Footme [...] might sit with his Book-keeper, Journey-men and Ap­prentices; and Peg ▪s better sort of Servants might sit with his Footmen, if they pleas'd.

Then they began to order-Plumb Porridge and Minc'd Pies for Peg's Dinner: Peg told them she had an Aversion to that sort of Food; that upon forcing down a Mess of it some Years ago, it threw her into a Fit, 'till she brought it up again: Some alledg'd it was nothing but Humour, that the same Mess should be serv▪d up again for Supper, and Breakfast next Morning; others would have made use of a Horn, but the Wiser sort bid let her alone, and she might take to it of her own Accord.

THO' our Affairs, Honey are in a bad Condition. I have a better Opinion of them since you seem to be convinc'd of the Ill Course you have been in, and are resolv'd to submit to proper Remedies. But when I consider your immense Debts▪ your foolish Bargains and the general Disorder of your Business, I have a Curiosity to know what Fate or Chance has brought you into this Condition.

I wish you would talk of some other Sub­ject, the Thoughts of it make me mad, our Family must have their run.

But such a strange thing as this, never happen'd to any of your Family before; they have had Law Suits, but tho' they spent the Income, they never Mortgag'd the Stock: Sure you must have some of the [...] or the Norfolk Blood in you; prithee give me some Account of thse Matters.

Who could help it? There lives not such a Fellow by Bread, as that Old Lewis Baboon, it is the cheatingest, contentious Rogue, upon the Face of the Earth. You must know, one Day as Nic. Frog and I were over a Bottle making up an old Quarrel, the old Knave would needs have us drink a Bottle of his Champaigne, and so one after another, till my Friend Nic. and I, not being used to such heady Stuff got bloody Drunk. Lewis all the while, either by the Strength of his Brain, or Flinching his Glass, kept him­self sober as a Judge. ‘My worthy Friends (quoth Lewis) henceforth let us live Neighbourly, I am as peaceable and quiet as a Lamb, of my own Temper, but it has been my Misfortune to live among quarrel­som Neighbours. There is but one thing can make us fall out, and that is the Inheritance of Lord Strutt ▪s Estate; I am content, for Peace sake to wave my Right, and submit to any Expedient to prevent a Law-Suit; I think an equal Division will be the fair­est way. Well mov'd Old Lewis (quoth Frog) and I hope my Friend John here will not be Refractory.’ At the same time he clap'd me on the Back, and slabber▪d me all over from Cheek to Cheek, with his great Tongue. Do as you please, Gentlemen (quoth I) 'tis all one to John Bull. We agreed to part that Night, and next Morning to meet at the Corner of Lord Strutt's Park Wall, with our surveying Instruments, which accordingly we did. Old Lewis carried a Chain and a Semicircle, Nic Paper, Rulers and a Lead Pen­cil, and I follow'd at some distance with a long Pole. We began first with surveying the Meadow-Grounds, afterwards we measur'd the Corn Fields Close by Close, then we proceeded to the Wood-Lands, the Copper and Tin Mines. All this while Nic. laid down every thing exactly upon Paper, calculated the Acres and Roods to a great Nicety. When we had finish'd the Land, we were going to break into the House and Gardens, to take an Inventory of his Plate, Pictures, and other Furniture.

What said Lord Strutt to all this?

As we had almost finish'd our Concern, we were accosted by some of Lord Strutt's Servants: ‘Hey day, what's here? What a Devils the mean­ing of all these Trangams and Gimcracks, Gentle­men? What, in the name of Wonder, are you go [...]ng about, jumping over my Master's Hedges, and run­ning your Lines cross his Grounds? If you are at any Field-Pastime, you might have ask'd leave, my Ma­ster is a civil well-bred Person as any is.’

What could you Answer to this?

Why truly my Neighbour Frog and I were still hot-headed; we told him his Master was an Old doating Puppy that minded nothing of his own Busi­ness; that we were Surveying his Estate, and settling it for him, since he would not do it himself. Upon this there happen'd a Qurrrel but we being stronger than they, sent them away with a Flea in their Ear. They went home, and told their Master, ‘My Lord (say they) there are three odd sort of Fellows going a­bout your Grounds with the strangest Machines that ever we beheld in our Life; I suppose they are going to Rob your Orchard, fell your Trees, or drive a­way your Cattle; they told us strange things of set­tling your Estate: One is a lusty old Fellow, in a black Wig, with a black Beard, without Teeth; there's another thick squat Fellow in Trunk-Hose; the third is a little long Nos'd, thin Man. (I was then Lean, being just come out of a fit of Sickness.) I suppose it is fit to send after them, lest they carry something away.’

I fancy this put the Old Fellow in a rare Tweag.

Weak as he was, he call'd for his long To­ledo swore and bounc'd about the Room, ‘Sdeath! what am I come to, to be Affronted so by my Trades­men? I know the Rascals! my Barber, Clothier and Linnen-Draper, dispose of my Estate! bring hither my Blunderbuss I'll warrant ye you shall see Day­light through them. Scoundrels! Dogs! the Scum of the Earth! Frog, that was my Fathers Kitchen­boy, he pretend to meddle with my Estate! with my Will! Ah poor Strutt, what art thou come to at last, thou hast liv'd too long in the World, to see thy Age [Page] and Infirmity so despis'd? How will the Ghosts of my noble Ancestors receive these Tidings? They cannot, must not sleep quietly in their Graves. In short, the Old Gentleman was carried off in a Fainting Fit, and after bleeding in both Arms hardly recover▪d.’

Really this was a very extraordinary way of Proceeding: I long to hear the rest of it.

After we had come back to the Tavern, and taken t'other Bottle of Champaigne, we quarrell'd a little about the Division of the Estate; Lewis hall'd and pull'd the Map on one side, and Frog and I on t'o­ther, till we had like to have tore the Parchment to pieces. At last Lewis pull'd out a pair of great Tay­lor's Shears and clip'd off a Corner for himself, which he said was a Mannor that lay convenient for him, and left Frog and me the rest to dispose of, as we pleas'd. We were over-joy'd, to think Lewis was contented with so little, not smelling what was at the bottom of the Plot. There happen'd, indeed, an Incident, that gave us some Disturbance; A Cunning Fellow, one of my Servants, two Days after, peeping through the Key-hole, observ'd that Old Lewis had stole away our part of the Map, and saw him fiddling and turn­ing the Map from one Corner to the other, trying to join the two pieces together again: He was mutte­ring something to himself, which he did not well hear, only these Words, 'Tis great Pity, 'tis great Pity! My Servant added, that he believ'd this had some ill-meaning; I told him he was a Coxcomb, always pre­tending to be Wiser than his Companions; Lewis and I are good Friends, he's an honest Fellow, and, I dare say, will stand to his Bargain. The Sequel of the Story prov'd this Fellow's Suspicion to be too well-grounded; for Lewis reveal▪d our whole Secret to the Deceas'd Lord Strutt, who, in Reward to his Trea­chery, and Revenge to Frog and me, settled his whole Estate upon the present Philip Baboon: Then we un­derstood what he meant by piecing the Map toge­ther.

And was you surpris'd at this? Had not Lord Strutt reason to be Angry? Would you have been contented to have been so us'd your self?

Why, truly Wife, it was not easily recon­ciled to the common Methods, but then it was the Fashion to do such things: I have read of your Golden Age, your Silver Age, &c. one might justly call this the Age of the Lawyers. There was hardly a Man of Substance in all the Country, but had [...] Counterfeit that pretended to his Estate: As the Philosophers say, that there is a Duplicate of every Terrestrial A­nimal at Sea, so it was in this Age of the Lawyers, there was at least two of every thing; nay, o' my Conscience, I think there were three Esquire Hackums at one time. Lewis Baboon entertain▪d a Fellow that call'd himself John Bull's Heir; I knew him no more than the Child unborn, yet he brought me into some Trouble and Expence. There was another that pre­tended to be Esq. South; and two Lord Strutts, you know. In short, it was usual for a parcel of Fellows to meet, and dispose of the whole Estates in the Coun­try: This lies convenient for me Tom; Thou would do more good with that Dick, than the Old Fellow that has it ▪ So to Law they went with the true Owners; the Lawyers got well by it, every Body else was undone. It was a common thing for an honest Man, when he came Home at Night, to find another Fellow domi­neering in his Family, hectoring his Servants, calling for Supper, and pretending to go to Bed to his Wife. In every House you might observe two Sofia's quar­relling who was Master: For my own part, I am still afraid of the same Treatment, that I should find some Body behind my Counter selling my Broad Cloath.

There are a sort of Fellows that they call Banterers, and Bambouzlers, that play such Tricks; but, it seems, these Fellows were in earnest.

I begin to think that Justice is a better Rule than Conveniency, for all some People make so slight on't.

AS John Bull and his Wife were talking together, they were surpriz▪d with a sudden knocking at [Page] the Door, those wicked Scriveners and Lawyers no doubt (quoth John) and so it was; some asking for the Money he ow'd, and others warning to prepare for the approaching Term: What a cursed Life do I lead ▪quoth John)? Debt is like deadly Sin; for God-sake, Sir Roger , get me rid of these Fellows. I'll warrant you (quoth Sir Roger) leave them to me. And in eed it was pleasant enough to observe Sir Roger's Method with these importunate Duns; his sincere Friendship for John Bull, made him submit to many things, for his Service, which he would have scorn▪d to have done for himself. Sometimes he would stand at the Door with his long Poll to keep off the Duns, 'till John got out at the Back-Door. When the Lawyers and Trades­men brought extravagant Bills, Sir Roger us'd to bar­gain before hand, for leave to cut off a quarter of a Yard in any part of the Bill he pleased; he wore a pair of Scissars in his Pocket for this purpose, and would snip it off so nicely, as you cannot imagine; like a [...] Goldsmith he kept all your Holydays; there was not one wanting in his Calendar; when ready Money was scarce, he would set them a telling a tho [...] Pounds and Six-pences, Groats, and Three pe [...] Pieces: It would have done your Heart good to have seen him charge thro' an Army of Lawyers, Attorney's, Clerks and Tradesmen; sometimes with Sword in Hand, at other times nuzling like an Eel in the Mud: When a Fellow stuck like a Bur, that there was no shaking him off, he [...] to be a mighty inqui­sitive about the Health of his Uncles and Aunts in the Country; he could call them all by their Names, for he knew every Body, and could talk to them in their own way. The extremely Impertinent he would send away to see some strange Sight, as the Dragon at Hock­ley the Hole; or bid him call the 30th of next February. Now and then you would see him in the Kitchen, weighing the Beef and Butter, paying ready Money, that the Maids might not run a-tick at the Market; and the Butchers, by bribing of them, sell Damag▪d and Light Meat. Another time he would slip into the Cellar, and gage the Casks: In his leisure Minutes he [Page] was posting his Books, and gathering in his Debts; uch frugal Methods were necessary where Money was so scarce, and Duns so numerous. All this while John kept his Credit, could show his Head both at Change and Westminister-Hall; no Man protested his Bill, nor refus'd his Bond, only the Sharpers and the Scrive­ners; the Lawyers and other Clerks pelted Sir Roger as he went along. The Squirters were at it with their Kennel-Water, for they were mad for the loss of their Bubble, and that they could not get him to Mortgage the Mannor of Bullocks Hatch. Sir Roger shook his Ears and nuzled along, well-satisfied within himself that he was doing a charitable Work, in rescuing an honest Man from the Claws of Harpies and Blood-suckers. Mrs. Bull did all that an affectionate Wife, and a good Housewife, could do; yet the Boundaries of Virtues are indivisible Lines, it is impossible to march up close to the Frontiers of Frugality, without entering the Territories of Parsimony. Your good Housewifes, are apt to look into the minutest Things: Therefore some blam'd Mrs. Bull for new heel-piecing her Shoes, grudging a quarter of a Pound of Soap and Sand to scowre the Rooms, but especially, that she would not allow her Maids and Apprentices the Benefit of John Bunyan, the London-Apprentice, or the Seven-Champions, in the Black Letter.

IT is a most sad Life we lead, my Dear to be so teaz'd paying Interest for Old Debts, and still contracting new Ones. However I don't blame you for vindicating your Ho­nour and chastizing old Lewis; to curb the Insolent, protect the Opprest, recover ones own, and defend what one has, are good Effects of the Law: The only thing I want to know is how you came to make an End of your Money before you finish'd your Law Suit.

I was told by the Learned in the Law, that my Suit stood upon three firm Pillars: More Mo­ny for more Law, more Law for more Mony, and no [Page] Composition. More Money for more Law was plain Demonstration, for who can go to Law without Mony? and it was as plain, that any Man that has Mony, may have Law for it. The third was as Evident as the other two; for what Composition could be made with a Rogue that never kept a Word he said?

I think you are most likely to get out of this Labyrinth by the second Door, by want of ready Money to purchase this precious Commodity: But you seem not only to have bought too much of it, but have paid too dear for what you have bought; else how was it possible to run so much in Debt, when, at this very time the yearly Income of what is Mortgag'd to those Usurers would discharge Hocus's Bills, and give you your Belly full of Law, or all your Life, without run­ning one Six Pence in Debt? You have been bred up to Business; I suppose you can Cypher, I wonder you never us'd your Pen and Ink.

Now you urge me too far; prithee, dear Wife, hold thy Tongue. Suppose a young Heir, heedless, raw, and unexperienced, full of Spirit and Vigour, with a favourite Passion, in the Hands of [...] Scriveners: Such Fellows are like your Wire [...] Mills, if they get hold of a Man's Finger, [...] pull in his whole Body at last, till they squeeze [...] Blood and Guts out of him. When I wanted Mon [...], half a dozen of these Fellows were al­ways waiting in my Antichamber, with their Securi­ties ready drawn. I was tempted with the Ready, some Farm or other went to Pot. I receiv'd with one Hand, and paid it away with the other, to Lawyers; that, like so many Hell hounds, were ready to devour me. Then the Rogues would plead Poverty, and Scarcity of Money, that always ended in receiving Ninety for the Hundred After they had got Possessi­on of my best Rents, they were able to supply me with my own Mony. But what was worse, when I look'd into the Securities, there was no Clause of Redemp­tion.

No Clause of Redemption, say you; that's hard!

No great matter, for I cannot pay them. They had got a worse Trick than that; the same Man bought and Sold to himself, paid the Mony, and gave the Acquittance: The same Man was Butcher and Grasier, Brewer and Butler, Cook and Poulterer. There is something still worse than all this; there came twenty Bills upon me at once, which I had given Mo­ny to discharge; I was like to be pull'd to Pieces, by Brewer, Butcher, and Baker, even my Herb-Woman dun'd me as I went along the Streets (thanks to my Friend Sir R [...]ger, else I must have gone to Goal). When I askd the meaning of this, I was told, the Mony went to the Lawyers; Counsel won't tick, Sir; Hocus was urging; my Book-keeper sat Sotting all Day, playing at Purt, and All-fours: In short, by griping Usurers, devouring Lawyers, and negligent Servants, I am brought to this pass.

This was hard usage! but methinks, the least reflection might have retriev'd you.

'Tis true, yet consider my Circumstances, my Honour was engag'd, and I did not know how to get out; besides, I was for Five Years often Drunk, always mud­dled, they carried me from Tavern to Tavern, to Ale­houses and Brandy-shops, brought me acquainted with such strange Dogs: There goes the prittiest Fellow in the World (says one) for managing a Jury, make him yours. There's another can pick you up Witnesses. Serjeant such a one has a Silver Tongue at the Bar. I believe, in time I should have retain'd every single Person within the Inns of Court. The Night after a Trial, I treated the Lawyers, their Wives and Daughters, with Fid­dles, Hautboys, Drums and Trumpets. I was always hot-headed; then they plac▪d me in the middle, the Attorneys and their Clerks dancing about me, hoop­ing and hallowing, Long live John Bull, the Glory and Support of the Law!

Really, Husband, you went through a very notable Course.

One of the things that first alarm'd me was, that they shew'd a Spite against my poor Old Mother; ‘Lord (quoth I) what makes you so Jealous [Page] of a poor, old, innocent Gentlewoman, that minds only her Prayers, and her Practice of Piety, she never meddles in any of your Concerns? Foh (say they) to see a handsome▪ brisk, genteel▪ young Fel­low, so much govern'd by a doating old Woman; why don't yo and suck the Bubby? Do you consider she keeps you of a good Jointure? she has the best of your Estate settled upon her for Rent-Charge: Hang her, old Thief, turn her out of Doors, seize her Lands, and let her go to Law if she dares. Soft and fair, Gentlemen (quoth I) my Mother's my Mother, our Family are not of an unnatural Temper. Tho I don't take all her Advice, I won't seize her Jointure; long may she enjoy it, good Woman, I don't grudge it her: She allows me now and then a Brace of Hun­dreds for my Law-Suit; that's pretty fair.’ About this time the old Gentlewoman fell ill of an odd sort of a Distemper; it began with a Coldness and Numb­ness in her Limbs, which by degrees affected the Nerves (I think the Physicians call them) seiz'd the Brain, and at last ended in a Lethargy. It betray'd it self at first in a sort of Indifference and Carelesness in all her Actions, Coldness to her best Friends, and an A­version to stir or go about the common Offices of Life. She that was the cleanliest Creature in the World, ne­ver shrunk now if you set a Close-stool under her Nose. She that would sometimes rattle off her Servants pretty sharply, now if she saw them drink, or heard them talk profanely, never took any notice of it. Instead of her usual Charities to deserving Persons, she threw away her Money upon roaring swearing Bullies, and randy Beggars, that went about the Streets. What is the mat­ter with the old Gentlewoman (said every Body) she nev [...] us'd to do in this manner? At last the Distemper grew more violent, and threw her downright into ravi [...] Fits; in which she shriek'd out so loud, that she d [...] sturb'd the whole Neighbourhood. In her Fits [...] call'd out upon one Sir William. Oh! Sir William, [...] hast betray'd me! kill'd me! stabb'd me! sold me [...] Cuckold of Dover! See, see, Clum with his bloody Kni [...] seize him, seize him, stop him! Behold the the Fury, [...] [Page] her hissing Snakes! Where's my Son John! is he well! is he well! poor Man, I pity him! And abundance of such strange Stuff, that no Body could make any thing of. I knew little of the Matter, for when I enquir'd about her Health, the Answer was, that she was in a good mo­derate way. Physicians were sent for in haste; Sir Ro­ger with great difficulty, brought R [...]ff; G [...]th came upon the first Message. There were several o­thers call'd in; but, as usual upon such Occasions, they differ'd strangely at the Consultation. At last they divided into two Parties, one sided with G [...]th, and the other with R [...]ff. Dr. G [...]th. This Case seems to me to be plainly Hysterical; the Old Woman is Whimsical; it is a common thing for your Old Women to be so: I'll pawn my Life, Blisters with the Steel Diet, will recover her. Others suggested strong Purging and Let­ting of Blood because she was Plethorick. Some went so far as to say the Old Woman was mad, and nothing would do better than a little Corporal Correction. R [...]ff. Gentlemen, you are mistaken in this Case, it is plainly an accute Distemper, and she cannot hold out three Days, without she is supported with strong Cordials. I came into the Room with a good deal of Concern, and ask'd them what they thought of my Mother? In no manner of Danger, I vow to God (quoth G [...]th) the Old Woman is Hysterical, Fanciful, Sir, I vow to God. I tell you, Sir (says R [...]ff) she can't live three Days to an end, unless there is some very effectual Course taken with her, she has a Malignant Fever. Then Fool, Puppy, and Block­head, was the best Words they gave. I could hardly restrain them from throwing the Ink-Bottles at one another's Heads. I forgot to tell you, that one Party of the Physicians desir'd I would take my Sister Peg into the House to Nurse her, but the Old Gentlewoman would not hear of that. At last one Physician ask'd if the Lady had ever been us'd to take Laudanum; her Maid answer'd, not that she knew; that indeed there was a High German Livery-Man of hers, one Van Pts­chirnsooker, that gave her a sort of a Quack Powder. The Physician desir'd to see it; Nay, says he, there is Opium in this, I am sure.

I hope you examin'd a little into this Matter.

I did indeed, and discover'd a great My­stery of Iniquity. The Witnesses made Oath, That they had heard some of the Livery-men frequently railing at their Mistress. ‘They said, She was a troublesome fiddle faddle old Woman, and so ceremonious that there was no bearing of her. They were so plagu'd with bowing and cringing as they went in and out of the Room, that their Backs ach'd; she us'd to scold at one for his dirty Shoes, at another for his greasie Hair, and not combing his Head: Then she was so passionate and fiery in her Temper, that there was no living with her; she wanted something to sweeten her Blood; that they never had a quiet Night's rest, for getting up in the Morning to early Sacraments; that they wish'd they could find some way or another to keep the old Woman quiet in her Bed.’ Such Dis­courses were often overheard among the Livery-men, that the said Van Ptschirnsooker had undertook this Matter. A Maid made Affidavit, ‘That she had seen the said Van Ptschirnsooker one of the Livery-Men, frequently making up of Medicines and administring them to all the Neighbours; that she saw him one Morning make up the Powder which her Mistress took; that she had the Curiosity to ask him whence he had the Ingredients? They come (says he) from several Parts of de World; dis I have from Geneva, dat from Rome, this White Powder from Amsterdam, and the Red from Edinburgh; but the chief Ingredi­ent of all comes from Turkey.’ It was likewise proved, that the said Van Ptschirnsooker had been frequent­ly seen at the Rose with Jack, who was known to bea [...] an inveterate Spite to his Mistress; That he brought [...] certain Powder to his Mistress, which the Examina [...] believes to be the same, and spoke the following Word [...] ▪ Madam, here is grand Secret van de Warld; my sweetni [...] Powder, it does temperate de Humour, despel de Wind [...] and cure de Vapour; it lulleth and quieteth de Animal Sp [...] rits, procuring Rest, and pleasant Dreams: It is the infall [...] ble Receipt for de Scurvy, all Heass in de Bloodt, and Br [...] ­ing [Page] out upon de Skin; It is de true Blood Stancher, stopping all Fluxes of de bloodt. If you do take dis, you will never ail any ding; it will Cure you of all Diseases: And abun­dance more to this purpose, which the Examinant does not remember.

John Bull was interrupted in his Story by a Porter, that brought him a Letter from Nicholas Frog, which is as follows.

WHat [...]lum is it that makes thee jea­lous of thy old Friend Nicholas? Hast thou forgot how some Years ago he took thee out of the Spunging House? ['Tis true, my Friend Nic. did so, and I thank him; but he made me pay a swinging Reck'ning.] Thou begins now to repent the Bar­gain that thou wast so fond of; and, if thou durst, would forswear thy own Hand and Seal. Thou sayst, that thou hast purchas'd me too great an Estate already; when at the same time thou knowest I have only a Mortgage: 'Tis true, I have Possession, and the Tenants own me for Master; but, has not Esquire South the Equity of Redemption? [No doubt, and will redeem it very speedily; poor Nic. has only Possession, eleven Points of the Law] As for the Turnpikes I have set up they are for other People not for my Friand John : I have order'd my Servant con­stantly to attend to [...]et thy Carriages through without paying any thing: only I hope thou wilt not come too heavy laden to spoil my Ways. Certainly I have just Cause of Offence against thee my Friend, for supposing it possible that thou and I should ever quarrel: What Hounsfoot is it that puts these Whims in thy Head? Ten Thousand Last of Devils haul me if I don't love thee as I love my Life. [No question, as the Devil loves Holy-Water!] Does not thy own Hand and Seal oblige [...] to purchase for me, till I say it is enough? Are not [...] Words plain. I say it is not enough. Dost thou think thy Fri [...]nd Nicholas Frog made a Child's Bargain? Mark the Words of thy Contract, tota pecunia , with all thy Money. [Very well! I have purchas'd with my own Money, my Childrens, and my Grand childrens Money, is not that enough? Well [Page] tota pecunia let it be, for at present I have none at all; He would not have me purchase with other Peoples Money sure, since tota pecunia is the Bargain; I think it is plain, no more Money, no more Purchase.] And whatever the World may say, Nicholas Frog is but a poor Man in comparison of the rich, the opulent John Bull great Clothier of the Warld. I have had many Losses, six of my best Sheep were drown'd, and the Water has come into my Cellar, and spoil'd a Pipe of my best Brandy: It would be a more friendly Act in thee to carry a Brief about the Country to repair the Losses of thy poor Friend. Is it not evident to all the World, that I am still hem'd in by Lewis Baboon? is he not just upon my Borders? [And so he will be if I Purchase a thousand Acres more, unless he gets some Body betwixt them.] I tell thee Friend John thou hast Flatterers, that persuade thee that thou art a Man of Business; do not believe them: If thou would'st still leave thy Affairs in my Hands thou should'st see how handsomly I would deal by thee. That ever thou should'st be dazzled with the inchanted Islands, and Mountains of Gold, that old Lewis promises thee! 'Dswounds! Why dost thou not lay out thy Money to Purchase a Place at Court, of honest Israel? I tell thee, thou must not so much as think of a Composition. [Not think of a Composition, that's hard indeed; I can't help thinking of it, if I would.] Thou complainst of want of Money, let thy Wife and Daughter burn the God Lace upon their Petticoats, sell thy fat Cat­tle; retrench but a Sirloin of Beef, and a Peck-Loaf in a Week from thy gormandizing Guts [Retrench my Beef, a Dog! Retrench my Beef! then it is plain the Rascal has an ill Design upon me, he would starve me.] Mortgage thy Manor of Bullocks Hatch, or Pawn thy Crop for Ten Year. [A Rogue! Part with my Country Seat, my Patrimony, all that I have left in the World, I▪ll see him hang'd first.] Why hast thou chang'd thy Attorney? Can any Man manage thy Cause better for thee? [Very pleasant! because a Man has a good Attorney, he must never make an End of his Law-Suit.] Ah John, John, I wish thou knevvest thy ovvn Mind: Thou art as fickle as the Wind. I [Page] tell thee thou hadst better let this Composition a­lone, or leave it to thy Loving Friend,

Frog had given his Word, that he would meet the above mention'd Company at the Salutation, to talk of this Agreement; tho' he durst not directly break his Appointment, he made many a shuffling Ex­cuse; one time he pretended to be seized with the Gout in his right Knee; then he got a great Cold that had struck him deaf of one Ear; afterwards two of his Coach-Horses fell sick, and he durst not go by Water, for fear of catching an Ague. John would take no Excuse but hurry'd him away: Come Nic. ( says he) let's go and hear at least what this old Fellow has to propose; I hope there's no hurt in that. Be it so ( quoth Nic.) but if I catch any harm, woe be to you; my Wife and Children will curse you as long as they live. When they were come to the Salutation, John conclu­ded all was sure then, and that he shou'd be troubled no more with Law affairs; he thought every Body as plain and sincere as he was. Well Neighbours (quoth he) let's now make an end of all Matters, and live peaceably together for the time to come; if every bo­dy is as well inclin'd as I, we shall quickly come to the upshot of our Affair: And so pointing to Frog to say something, to the great surprize of all the Company, Frog was seizd with a dead Palsy in the Tongue. John began to ask him some plain Questions, and hoop'd and hollow'd in his Ear. John Bull, Let's come to the Point, Nic' Who would'st thou have to be the Lord Strutt? Would'st thou have Philip Baboon? Nic, shook his head and said nothing. John Bull Wilt thou then have Esquire South to be Lord Strutt? Nic. shook his Head a second time. John Bull. Then who the Devil wilt thou have? say something or another. Nic. open▪d his Mouth, and pointed to his Tongue, and cry'd A, a a, a! which was as much as to say, he could not speak. John Bull. Shall I serve Philip Baboon with [Page] Broad cloth, and accept of the Composition that he offers, with the Liberty of his Parks and Fishponds? Then Nic. roar'd like a Bull, O, o, o, o! If thou wilt not let me have them, wilt thou take them thy self? Then Nic. grin'd, cackled and laugh'd, till he was like to kill himself, and seem'd to be so pleas'd, that he fell a frisking and dancing about the [...]oom. John Bull. Shall I leave all this Matter to thy [...]anagement, Nic. and go about my Business? Then Nic. got up a Glass, and drank to John, shaking him by the Hand till he had like to have shook his shoulder out of Joint. John Bull. I understand thee, Nic. but I shall make thee speak before I go. Then Nic. put his Finger in his Cheek, and made him cry Buck, which was as much as to say, I care not a Farthing for thee. John Bull. I have done Nic. If thou wilt not speak, I'll make my own Terms with old Lewis here. Then Nic loll▪d out his Tongue, and turn'd up his Bumm to him; which was as much as to say, Kiss [...]. John perceiving that Frog would not speak, turns to old Lewis: Since we cannot make this obstinate Fellow speak, Lewis pray condescend a little to his Humour, and set down thy meaning upon Paper, [...] may answer it in another Scrap. I am infinitely [...] (quoth Lewis) that it happens so unfortunately; for playing a little at Cudgels t'other Day, a Fellow has given me such a Rap over the Right Arm, that I am quite Lame: [...] have lost the Use of my Forefinger and Thumb, so that I [...] hold my Pen. John Bull , That's all one, let me [...] for you. Lewis. But I have a Misfortune, that I [...]nnot read any bodies hand but my own. John Bull. Try what you can do with your Left Hand. Lewis. That's impossible; it will make such a Scrawl, that it will not be legible. As they were talking of this Matter, in came Esquire South all drest up in Feathers and Ribbons, stark staring mad, brandishing his Sword, as if he [...]ld have cut off their Heads; crying, Room, room, [...] for the grand Esquire of the World! the Flower of [...]quires! What, cover'd in my Presence; I'll crush your [...]ouls, and crack you like Lice! With that he had like to [...]ave struck John Bull's Hat into the Fire; but John, [...] was pretty strong fisted, gave him such a Squeeze, [Page] as made his Eyes Water. He went on still in his mad Pranks; When I am Lord of the Universe, the sun shall [...] and adore me! Thou, Frog, shalt be my Bailiff; Lewis my Taylor, and thou, John Bull , shalt be my Fool! All this [...] Frog laugh▪d in his Sleeve, gave the Esquire [...] Noggan of Brandy, and clap▪d him on the Back which made him ten times madder. Poor John stood in amaze, talking thus to himself: Well John thou art got into rare Company! One has a dumb De­vil▪ t'other a mad Devil, and the third a Spirit of Infir­mity. An honest Man has a fine time on▪t amongst such Rogues. What art thou asking of them after all? Some mighty Boon one would think! Only to sit quietly at thy own Fireside. 'Sdeath, what have I to do with such Fellows! John Bull after all [...] Losses and Cr [...]sses can live better without them, than they can without him. Would to God I liv'd a thousand Leagues off them: But the Devil's in't: John Bull is in, and John Bull must get out as well as be can. As he was talking to himself, he observ▪d Frog and Old Lewis edgng towards one another to Whisper; so that John was forced to sit with his Arms a-kimbo, to keep them asunder. Some People advis'd John to Blood Frog under the Ton [...]ue, or take away his Bread and Butter, which would certainly make him speak; to give Esquire South Hellebore; as for Lewis, some were for emollient Poltass, others for opening his Arm with an Incision knife.

I could not obtain from Sir Humphry, at this time, a Copy of John ▪s Letter, which he sent to his Nephew by the young Necromancer; wherein he advises him not to eat Butter, Ham, and drink Old Hock in a Morning, with the Esquire and Frog, for fear of giving him a sour Breath.