1. Drunken Wimble-tree, ali-ass Reeler.

THe fore-man of the Jury to give in their verdict at Bacchus his Barre, that a full pot is better then an empty purse: make way for him there, let him have elbow-roome enough; mark how how he comes rowling like a wheelbarrow, wel­tring like a Greenland Whale, and tumbling like a ship amongst Waves, half under water: look at him well (as an embleme of our Perniz'd times, as good as any in Catz, Quarles, Whitney, or Withers,) how he turnes round like a ball, or an unbiassed bowle, runs in a circu­lar motion, like a Scopperill, or Whirligigg, as though more quick-sil­ver were in his heels, then silver in his purse; and more weathercock on his head, then wit in his head: how naturally his feet without any art, like a poetizing louse, with six feet, make Hexameters with Penta­meters, long and short, up and downe, like the spoaks in the whirling wheels of those Coaches, in which Tamberlaine was drawne by the pampered Jades of Asia: By the influence of the Moone on his maulted Element, one would think this Moon-calfe, like other calves, had the sturdie, or like a Smithfield Jade, the staggers, he takes such frisks and capers from the circumference of the wide streets, into the center of the channell, which he claimes as his hereditary right, by such a title as the Rebells kept a plot of ground neere Athy in Ireland, called Gal­lowes Green, from whence they oft marched (as Campian, Garnet, and other Jesuites, from Tyber to Tyburne) downe Gallowes-gate, and up Hempstreet: he is so intoxicated in his giddy braines like a Midsummers Goose, that he staggers in his motions, like our old and new Enthusiasts, Familists; Anabablers once in Germany, and now in England, with our new Seekers for the Man in the Moon drinking Claret, reeling in their motions, and miscreant opinions, as once drun­ken Elderton in his Potions: I will stand to it, that however he goes to the Ale-stand a Nowne Substantive, he ever comes from it a Nowne Adje­ctive, no more able to stand by himselfe, then a hop or a vine without a prop or a wall: a trencher-Parasite without a feeding Patrone, or a weaning child without the upholding hand of a mother, or a nurse; [Page 2]take your hand from him, and let him stand on his owne leggs, and you take crutches from a cripple, and a leaning staffe or post from a lame Giles, knockt in the head with a Barly bullet, as an Oxe with a Butchers Axe, procumbit humi bos, he stands so long as he can stand, then stag­gers and falls, per varios casus, after he hath declined potum, (to which he is much inclined) throughout all cases, till he be fit to be trust up in a cap-case, tendit in lutum, he reels into the mire, where he wallowes like a weake horse in a bog, or a Gentleman in debt, and cannot get out, till some charitable hand help him: To anatomize him further, this Brute-asse (though not so oraculously as Brutus) oft kisseth his Mother earth, and acknowledgeth her bowell-bred wormes to be his brothers, yea with as much humility, as once S. Francis said brother Wolfe, he oft saith brother Hog, since it cannot be denied, but that as the same Barley-graines feed and fat them both, so they are oft stied to­gether, and kennelled in one channell, which although he lift his leggs oft verie high, when his head goes very low, it's very probable, that he is as full of grave thoughts, or thoughts of his grave, as a Goose egge long sitten full of matter, since he is so oft digging his grave, as the Badger his hole, with his very nose, onely his pride is, that after he hath kept his priorums amongst his Aristippized pot-professors, he causeth the stones, as once Tarlton, to kisse his posteriornms, though they be the bones of his old mother Tellus, as Poets tell us: the thing I most pity in him is this, that for all the reeling of this Ganderized giddy head, if his wife card no better at home, then he reels abroad, they will make a web no better then Arachnes clew, fit to be swept down, or then a fooles Medley of Goates wool, Doggs haire, and mossie downe; they will twist such webs as Penelope and Lucrece wove ad Ca­lendas Graecas, in Platoes great year, when all Hens will make holy wa­ter, all Virgin vestall Nuns give milk, all Judges hate bribes, all Law­year refuse fees, and all Black-coats great benefices: but since it is as probable that he may reel home, to steale a nap, as some Senior or Ju­nior Immerito may be informed in these reformed times, how to slip, steale, or stumble into an undeserved plump personage, we will leave him to lolling, till his wine be out of his head, and his wit in, and re­flex on his next fellow.

2. Drink-hard Helluoh.

A Tospottalian of a stronger bulk and braine then the former wind (or wine) shaken reed, or any of his fellowes: one that is no flincher, [Page 3]he will stand to it more then any Tinker, as a metall'd man indeed, back and edge; he will not out, till the last man be born, nor shrinke from his tippling taske, (like most now a daies from their poor friends) like Westerne cloth in the wetting, he is not loose in the haft, like so many Totnams that have lately turned French, yea Hispanioliz'd, Italionate, or Devills incarnate for their own ends, if he set his feet once at Bac­chus his Barre, he cannot be peerkt over as a wrangler, he will goe thorow stitch with his work in sucking Bacchus his grapes, till they be as dry as a kimestick, or the sparks in a smiths throat: he will not fall off, as a Horse-Leach from sucking the Gouty leggs of a Gundimer, when she is full, or as a Souldierly Clineas, or Dametas from his co­lours, when his faint heart is in his heels: he is a stiffe blade indeed, steele to the very back, yea to give this doughty Drunkard (like the de­vill) his due, though I set him in the second place to his small grace, as though it were something, as in the Olimpick Games, to be a second in wrastling, as the Pitcher-bangers in Alexanders Feast at Babylon, for the Barly wreath and Bacchus his Garland, yet indeed he is like a Cock of the game amongst Famlerts, or a Conqueror amongst Cravens, the King and Cob of all the rest, usually a Ledger when they are all un­der board; no Beere Brewers horse hath the commendation to draw on, (draw in) or beare his drinke better then he: as there is fama in malo, fame even in infamy, (which he aimed at, who burnt Diana's Temple) so like these furre-blazed Bacchanalians in their times, Tricon­gius, Novengius, Bonosus, Tymoleon, and the rest of the riotors, he is the Coripheus and prime amongst all the frothy fraternity of Fudlers, the proto-Lippler amongst all his Naballs, his Nebuloes, his drunken neighbours, the maine barrell amongst lesser firkins, in which he steeps his Lands monies and meanes, till both he and his be in a pitifull pickle; he hath a drunken Dropsie in his throat harder to be quenched with wine, then the Golden Dropsie in a covetous Cremes, or then the flames in the Northern Hecla, the Scicilian Aetna, or that Vesuvius which choaked Pliny, to be quenched with water; harder to be cured then the Gout, the Sciatica, the Strangury, or the regnant spleen amongst Sectaries of all sorts and sexes: yea as dangerous, so no lesse difficult to be cured, then the shaking of the elbow in an habituated Gamester, the hot mouth Feaver in a scold, the tongue Palsie in a babbling Battus, the stone in the heart, worse then in the reines of Pharoized impeni­tents, his Appetite for drink; is like the grave for bodies, hell for [Page 4]sonles, materia prima for formes, the fire for fuell, and the barren womb of a Messalina for lust, which was lassata non satiata, insatiable, as Pliny the younger, Plautus, Cleanthes, Demosthenes, and others in their Diurnall, and nocturnall studies, were Helluobs (Librorum) of Books, so he is Helluoh liquidorum, of bottles filled with liquids, quo plus bibuntur, plus sitiuntur aquae, the more he drinks, more dry he is, like the Smiths forge, saith Leonius, ( de Morbis lib. 8. cap. 8. sect. 3.) which by an Antiparistasis burnes more fiercely by casting water on it, like un [...]leckt lime: liquids rather inflame him, then cool him, I know no disease more spread over millions of Microcosmes, like a Canker, more domineering, more incapable of cure, then this swelling Gangrene, or a swilling drinking Dropsie, except a Tympany of more then An­tichristian, even Luceferian pride in many Sectaries.

3. Of drunken Barnabee.

WIth whom to make a short dispatch, and to trusse up his humor in a paper halter, because we have dwelt too long upon Hel­luoh, this Barnabee, ali-ass Maudlin drunk, besides the description that his proper new Ballad makes of him, as drunke all night and dry in the morning, his carch being still one tooth is dry, like one old Cham­berlaine, called old Twitcher in Yorkshire, who though he had washed many hundred pounds downe his throat, protested he was yet dry for all that: but passing by that humour, which hath some coincidence with Helluohs, this our maultified Maudlin is but halfe drunk and half sober, like a Newter in Religion, halfe a Protestant, half a Papist, halfe light, halfe darknesse, like the twi-light, or as a luke-warme Laodicean professor, half hot, half cold, or indeed his true Hierogliphick is an Ar­chized, Tarltonized Buffon, half a fool, half a knave, like a mule, half a horse, halfe an asse, or a Cynocephalist, halfe a dog, half an ape, or a Mare-maid, half fish halfe flesh, (Mulier formosa supernè desinens in piscem,) but chiefly reflecting on Virgils worse verse, as a Ventriloquist termed his semivirum (que) bovem, semibovem (que) virum, half a man in his sober part, halfe an Oxe, a very beast in his acted drunken postures, just (or unjust) as King Philip was on his Tribunall, half asleep, half awake, not as a Lion, the embleme of a Polititian, waking when he feignes to sleep, as that Witt-all, or all-wit, in Rome did to Mecoenas: (with his soli Mecoenati dormio) but like a Semidormant, and Semivigilant, be­twixt hawke and buzzard, cup and can, a Semi-drunkard, and Semi-so­beratus, quoth old Horsley, like a meer mongrill, halfe a Gray-hound, [Page 5]halfe a Mastife: yet as in Divinity we say, that God will have all in man or nought, the whole man or no man, without any more will to admit a corrivall, then Caesar to shift stakes with Pompey, or Alexander with Darius, or the true mother once to divide the child with the false mother, detesting an Agrippa, that is but half perswaded to be a Chri­stian and no further, like a Cake, half bak'd, or flesh half boil'd, or halfe broil'd, occasioning so much our Irish Fluxes: so in moralty, though I approve what Paul allowed Timothy, and Solomons Mother the sad hearted, a little wine, as a little raine to refresh the earth, not to bog it with too much, or so many cups from the grape (according to the old distinction) as tend to necessity, and to hilarity, yea to acuity to whet­ten the wits of a heavy Dutchman, and to heat a cold Beotian braine, yet I dislike a man to be half drunk, maudlin drunk, and but partly so­ber, as I distast a man that is but partly honest, and not down-right as Cato in Rome, and Phocion in Athens, and a woman that is suspected to be too great a dancer with the Romane Sempronia, or too great a comrade, with young Gallants, like Augustus his Livia, and Julia, to be held absolutely honest. But to trouble the by-standers no more with this half-staking Gamester, I touch upon another, who hath oft troubled me.

4. One drunken Tom Trouble-towne, or Troublesome.

A Wonderfull Linguist, tho no Artist; unlesse that illiberall Ars bi­bendi, the art of drinking or drowning all arts and good parts like some Beuclarks in drink, as Pearles cast into boggs, be an art, though as needlesse as for a young Phaeton to help Phoebus in his Cha­riot, or a candle to help the Suns light, to as much purpose as for a pen-feathered, pride-puft ignorant arrogant Novice to intrude himself to gain soules, or rather silver from an aged, a powerfull, painfull, and gifted Divine, which were as though some Gusman or Gooseman Juni­or, should offer to help an old man, though a bold man, and spirited, to get children on his Brides Matrimoniall or Ministeriall: This pre­mised, to descant and describe him in his pestilent postures. A blu­string blatrant blade he is, who cannot be content to be drunk in si­lence, (as many a biting usurer, a close adulterer, an envious Snake, a silent Serpent, a covetous Euclio, a churlish Nabal, a plotting Court Haman, a Camp'd Achitophel, are damned in hugger mugger, and go to the Devill their Father without any noise) but his brains once washed, and his tongue oyled with the bleedings of the Barley, the clack of a [Page 6]Water Milne, the striking of the Jacks, the whirling of the wheels in a Clock, the scolding of two Xantippes, the prevarications of two So­phisters in the Schooles, the word Tiltings of two Lawyers at the Bar, yea, the chatterings of Crowes in a wood, when their nests are pulled downe, or the removall of a Court or a Camp, are not with more noise and disturbance then drunken blusterings, houtings and shoutings of this turbulent Tom Trouble-towne, which are more harsh then the noise of Dragons, the hallow tones of Biturnes, the shrill shreeks of Night-owles, or the loud Hones and Hubbubs of our clamorous Irish: but if these speak him not fully, when he drinks fluently, the shouts which the old wives in Chaucer gave, and Dame Partlet the Hen, when the Fox carried Chanticleere the Cock to the wood, or the vo­ciferations of the Carthaginean wives, when their children were ship­ped, and carried pledges to Rome, scarce parallel the clamours and Sten­tor voices, which this obstreperous immorigerous troublesome Tof­pot with his night-walking Nebuloes make, when their throats are deep ramm'd, and the barrells of their brains full charg'd with Bacchus his bolts: Oh they roare then as if in so many Pumps, they so deafe the snortings of Beares, the howling of Irish Wolves, and the barkings of all the Towne-Doggs, that it is not possible to steale a nap for them, so long as these Tarmagants roare; for my poor part, I had ra­ther heare a hundred bullocks of mine owne bellow, and a thousand sheep of mine owne bleat, then to have my ears taken up by a Com­mission in the commotion of their black Santos: and however some Zealists have rather delighted in an untuned Welsh Harp, or in a Scotch Bagpite, then in the bellowings out of an Ale-house into Cathedralls of some white and black-spotted Bulls of Basan, (as they Satirically stigmatized them, and their unedefying Cantings to loud Organs,) yet to me nothing comes more harsh then the Reboations of these tumul­tuous Trouble-townes, excepting to hear or see an ominous Owle or a foolish Moore Cock making a noise in an ill becomed usurped cage, with the extrusion of a more-desired, more-delighting, more-deserving Nightingale, or an ignorant beardlesse Symplicius with no more lear­ning then a Lay-man, flurting up as unwarrantably, unworthily, unwel­comely into the Pulpit of such a Divine extruded, as might be his Tu­tor for gifts and years, to beat into his blockish braines both morality, Divinity, science, conscience, humanity and civility, with all all the blu­sterings of Sir John Barlicornes clamorous Clyents could not so dis­quiet [Page 7]me, as to soe or heare (what I heard at second hand in Ireland) numerous Locusts singing, and Frogs croaking from Po and Tyber in the chambers (as Quondam neere Thames) of Catholicall Grandees, and collapsed Ladies: yet in conclusion in the greatest feared confu­sion, I should be distressed, disturbed, and distracted more then by all these, if I should see or hear in this our white Albion (died red by the Pseudodox, as once Jerusalem, Antioch, and Damascus with the blood of the Orthodox) the raging of French and Spanish Bears, the roarings of Turkish Lions, the bellowings of Romish Bulls, (louder then from five Popes in Queen Elizabeths daies) and the howlings of Irish Wolves, called Rebells, in the deadly tones of the Moabites, up and to the spoiles of our English Israelites, let us fish our owne ends in their muddied yea bloodied waters, we are called in by a powerfull, and pestilent party-coloured spotted Leopard, called Liberty of Conscience, to plant every Nation and nature with more immunity and impunity then in Poland and Holland, his owne braine-bred Religion, though a blasphemous Alchoran, or Thalumd, or Valentinus his renewed fond Aeones, or the reawakened dreames of Montanus and Priscilla, or the deluding dotages of the Fratricellians, and Begnardines, and filthy Fa­milists and Adamites, which fired Italy and Germany; all these with a Warrantizabimus by the unerring spirit of Revelation without any Scripturian foundation, to be planted by power and possession, to the supplanting of grace, peace, truth, and to the deforming a pretended and projected uneffected Reformation. But least my porcupined pen pricking the galled hides of guilty hearts, should so far trouble some zeal-drunk Zoilists, more then Drunkards trouble me, as not only to kick me out of a Church, as if innocent Philip from his owne pride to be possessed by some Herodian hot-spur, but to hurry me into Johns prison, or Jeremiabs Dungeon, since procul à Jove, procul à Fulmine, it's good sleeping in a warme skin, least this troublesome fellow by Law concluding in Ferio, trouble me as I have troubled him; I fly from him tanquam à cane & angue, as from an unworm'd dog or snake, and bring on the Stage another, as though butter would not melt in his mouth. And that is

5. Drunken Agonethetas,

THe Master of the Revells, called M. Controler, who as peert as a Peermonger, and as spruce as a finicall Barber, will have either thing (which we scarce doe in our devotions) done in his drink in or [Page 8]der, though he cares as little for any solid Doctrine, as Aesops Cock fora Pearle, or a dogg for a holy thing, which he sleights, as the Gade­rens did the best Doctor, and as our Gadders now into the Land of Nodd, nullifie our best Divines: yet he is wonderfull punctuall, for Discipline is observed more strictly in his Taphouses, then in some Tem­ples, or in the whilom Camps of Caesar, Scipio, Hannibal, Sertorius, Charles the fifth, or the Germane Otho the 4. for even when he drinks with his comraigns as unmeasurably as any historified. Tricongians and Novengians, or as Alexander at Celanus his Funerall, and when he dan­ceth after full pots, as after full blowne pipes, the English Dance (now most in use in Courts, Camps, Countreyes and Cities) called, Passing measure, and Sellingers round, or the world upon wheels, yet he will be unmeasurably angry and more hot then a Graves-end Toast, if all things be not done in measure: hence he acts more complements in drinking then Jesuites and Friers in their studied Cringings and duc­kings, or then the French, Spanish, or Italian in their Courtings, all be­sprinkled with Court-holy water; so long as he can stand, he stands as much upon ceremonies in all houses that are Ale-houses, as ever they were stood upon, urged, pressed and prescribed in Bishop Quondams daies, ere the altar-case so much altricated, did alter and halter too ( quo Jure, I discusse not) in the reigne of Sir John Presbyter, opposed by Hugh Sir Peter, and his Petreans: hence in all his punctuall postures acted to a haire, he vents all his invented and new minted comple­mentall phrases of Ditantoes, supernaculmus, upsefreeze, pro fas, cup-Waggins bearing up stiffe, winding up to the bottome, with his con­stant care of observing all the Statutes enacted in Bacchus his head­lesse, brainlesse, staggering and party-coloured Senate, as amongst the rest: First, that no blowne drink be left, it's loathed as some birds loath their eggs, if a Serpent do but breath on them. Secondly, healths as they go (like causes oft in Courts) by favour and friends, so they must be pledged personally, not (as some noble men say grace, and have some to venter hell for them) by any Atturneyes, Stewards and Deputies. Thirdly, some healths must go (as the globed world and the tottering times go) round, and like current coine passe from man to man, till the motion the potion begin againe, from terminus à quo, till it end in the terminus ad quem. Fourthly, though some Auditors and Schoolboyes in Churches care not for more then needs, being so con­scionable, that they care not how little they have for money; yet as a [Page 9]just measuring man that will have penniworths for his penny, he will have the black pot as brim full as he hath the liquids from it brainefull, blatherfull, and bellifull. Fifthly, he will have no drinking to the Tapster, Chamberlaine, Drawer, or vulgar Officers, as once Tom Brown to his man. Sixtly, he so observes the Sex Feminine before the Mas­culine, being honoured in England, womens paradice, more then in In­dia, Turky, Italy, or any Countrey their Purgatory, withall knowing that in most Countries Ducks will drink as much as Drakes, and Geese as much as Ganders, he enacts, that a woman must be drunk unto first, before a man, and sometimes first drunk also. Seventhly, he looks that every man pledge what is drunk to him, not looking for any Lord-Dane or Lurdan to be pledge for him. Eighthly, he oft urgeth, that every man shall drinke as many cups as there be letters in the name of his absent friend, whose health he drinks, for which he quotes a verse of as much Antiquity or Iniquity, in Martiall, that Naevia sex Cyathis septem justina bibatur, Lide quatuor Ide tribus. Ninethly, every man must keep to his first man, souping of his full Can if he can, herein resembling the Lion whose eye is never off him who darted first at him. Tenthly, he will not have it forgotten to call ever for a shot pot or come againe, after the reckoning, as a man of great reckoning in his drinke, though of small account, being sober; in such exact punctualities he would turne all drinkings, as some lately (to their small Laud be it spoken) all Church-Service into Ceremony, all so­lemne spirituall Worship into Formality, as all Bottle-ale turnes into froath, most of Owles flesh into feathers, and Banbury Cheese into pa­rings. But we have had enough of him and his Complements, we Summon next to the Bar,

6. Drunken Dick the Gull-Gallant.

NOt Dick mihi Musa virum, for though this be a true Trojan, and a mad merry Grigg, though no Greek; yet he is not Virgils Dick, nor Dick of the old house of Lancaster, nor Dick Ecclesiae; old Dick Bancroft of Canterbury in his time the Domine fac totum, that with a perillous pen writ his Theses Periculosae, perillous positions, like Lisama­chus Nicanor, and Owens Antipareus, parallelling English and Scottish Puritans (as Pluritans branded them) with State-firing Jesuites; nor is it Dick Dulman who commenc'd at Dawes Crosse, and to say no more of him, as if Dunsticall Husbands should be inforced upon a relucting Brides, is huft and puft up into a Pulpit as his Parish crosse or curse: [Page 10]nor is it Dick Litchfield the neat Cantibrigian Barber, whom Tom Nash so trim'd in his Epistle against the three Harvies, but it is Dick the Gull-Gallant, the silken sot, who though he have like a black pudding some such excellent blood, mixt with his oatmeale and sewet, as a widdow wished for, in her matrimony, or matter of money, I mean great meanes to his generous or noble birth, such Patrimony to his Parentage, as expose him not to the misery of naked honours, with many of our Barons or bare-ones in both Clymes: yet neverthelesse he hath so many wide-throated Crowes about him to pluck his silver plumes yea to prey on him (and not as on other carrions) before he be dead, that they pluck him as bare as a birds taile, yea as naked as a Crecket, or Baboon, as our Irish Wolves lately shore and tore our En­glish sheep; for as though an Elephant should stoop to catch a mouse, and an Eagle pounce a flie, yea as though Alexander in the Olympick Games, should run or tilt with a Peasant, not with a Prince, this most unworthy Gentleman, who never was candid nor Gentile, hath his wealth possest, like a cowards sword, by such a dastard and dun­sticall Master, that playing at small Games ere he sit out, as if a Hawk should keep airy with Buzzards, he consorts himselfe usually with Cordions and Coblers, Rakehells and Raveners, Oastlers and Tapsters, Raggamuffins, and Tatergallians, Tipplers, and Tinkers, and all the Troup of trash allied to the lash: These are delitias Domini, every one of them his vade mecum, his fidus Achates, his alter ego, his Phi­ladelphus, at the least his Lackeys (till he lack) to attend him; yea his very spirits like Brutus his Ghost, which haunt him and follow him as close as his shadow, he can no more shake them off then Doctor Fau­stus his Mephistopholes: or Cardinall Crescence, and Cornelius Agrippa their Familiars in forme of black Doggs: in their deaths they cleave to him like burres, contrary to other Horse-leaches, they will not fall off even when they are full, they wait on him like inferiour beasts, called Courtiers and Pensioners to the Regall Lion, to feed upon his leavings, or rather upon his livings, he feeds these Spaniels which fawne upon him, with good lappings from the tap: then when these Stentors are as full of wine as Organ-pipes, and Bag-pipes of wind, they proclaime his worthlesse worth further then the Birds of Sapho and Hanno let out of their cages, sung the fictitious Dieties of their feeders, as loud as those poore men whom the Duke of Savoy feasted, as his Hounds, by which Papistically he hunted heaven, opened loud [Page 11]when he came amongst them, with their God blesse the Founder, (and as his Steward, replied the confounders too;) and though these his Water-doggs like the Doggs of Actaeon, devoure this their great Master, and as Pharoahs lean kine eat up this fat one by degrees, yea though these insatiable Gulphs swallow him quicke as it were another Codrus, downe their wide weasands in some proportion, as then Whale did Jonas; at best, though these Cornvorants and Harpies prey on him, flocking after him like Vultures at the scent and smell of the blood of the grape, so eating into his lands and livings by gradati­ons, as worms into the entralls, and Flesh-wolves into the flesh where they were bred and long fed, that at last his best meanes being spunged, as the best juice out of Oringes and Lemmans, in his purse-consump­tion, he growes as lank as a Grey-hound, or a shotten Herring, or as a jaded horse so over-ridden, that he is run cleane out of his girts, like one Gabriel Archer once in the Towne of Maulton, or Mault-Towne, that was so guawne by these water rats in his golden mines of 1000. a year, as once Hatto of Mentz, and Popiel of Poland by land­rats in their flesh, that though his Father was Bayliffe of Buy-land, he came by such Catterpillers his comraiges, so to be Duke of Sell-land, and at last to be Prince of No-land, that his best Taverns were water­springs, his Host-Duke Humphrey, his Hostesse mother Need, his lod­ging Beggars Inne, where many a lewd Leutulus, a prophane Esau, a profuse Prodigall hath lodg'd both before him, and since after him: yet neverthelesse when my Gull-Gallant is amongst such potti [...]ing Peasants as claw him like a Tyger, whilst he washeth their mouths, and oyles their throats, placed in the midst amongst them, as the Devill sometimes in the shape of a beast amongst Witches and Conjurers, being here the chiefe figure amongst these Cyphers, the principall verb amongst these Heteroclites, the Cock of the game amongst these Famlerts, even crowing upon these dunghills; but chiefly the maine male Deere and Buck of the first head, with his silver hornes amongst these Rascalls, where he may be Sir Jack say all, and Sir ohn pay all, being here as Caesar wished, King and Corypheus over these Mole-hills, rather then a subject to mountaines. Oh! he is in his desired Center, his Turk [...]h heaven, his Temple, his Elizian fields, his petty Paradise: but if it be his hard hap as he thinks, to stumble into better company, his e­qualls or superiors, oh then he is as melancholy as a Hare or an Owl, as dogged as a Tymen, as Saturnall as once Brutus, as silent as a [Page 12]Birding Cat, or a Turkish Mute, as much frightned as frogs with light­ning and thunder, he dares no more speake then Roscius once before Gato, he fears as much to open his mouth as a black Bird to chatter, or Cranes to make any noise when the Hawke sores over the one, and Eagles watch the other, as they fly over Caucasus; oh, then he is in his reall Purgatory, he had rather be turning the wheel at Roterdam, yea Ixions wheese, or fill leaking tubs with Danaus daughters, or rowle Sisiphus his stone, or doe any other Herculean task that he could man­nage, then undergo the penance of conversing with any above his owne Sphere, from whom he flies further then Daphne in the Poet, from Apollo, or that young man in the History from John the Divine, loving the company of Theeves more then his; with his good will he comes no nearer any better then himselfe, then a Serpent to an Ash­tree, or to Irish ground, or then Spiders to Irish wood in Westminster­hall, where in no case they dare come to spin any catching webs for fat flies, though Doctor Didimus doubts it, and Scepticus doth discusse it, but I am sure he flies from all generous and ingenuous society as Moses from kis rod turned serpent, quid piscis in arido, Monachus in Mundo, he wonders what he should doe amongst such more then a fish in the Forrest, or a Monk out of his Cell amongst seculars: and amongst such he shuts his lips as Graculus inter Musas, unfit he should jangle amongst witty Gentlemen: so he shuts also his purse, and binds it faster then any man a scolding tongue, to such good behaviour, that it lies quiet in his pocket and never stirrs: to get a farthing from him, unlesse amongst his owne froathy followers, were to get oyl out of a stone, or water out of a flint, or a penny from most Churches now in Troynovant to relieve distressed Hibernians, though roasting us at lin­gring fires, or if ought be wrung from him, as Neptunes Trident, or Ju­pitor [...] Mace out of their fists, for very shame not to be counted a hedger, this is as to wring the blood out of his nose, he parts with it as wil­lingly as with his right eyes, or what is spent this way, he counts it mispent as oyle spilt upon the ground; but hoping that though he have fed long on Widgins, Dotterills and Woodcocks, yet by change of diet, and a fresh aire removed from the bogs of base bagages up to the hills of holier spirits, and by a little Hellibore to cure his mad­nesse, his badnesse, and many break-fasts of Rew mixt with thrift, he slsalt not hereafter break fast, as he hath begun. Let us reflect more briefly on a spurious base brother of his, his Cozen Germane a Crow [Page 13]of a rotten egge steept in wine Lees, or rather a hot spawne of the old Serpent the unclean spirit. And that is

7. Drunken Laurence, ali-ass Lusty-guts.

WHose indictment to draw as favourably as I can, however when he is himselfe, and hath on his considering cap, he is as seeming­ly continent as an Hippolitus, a Scipio, a Zenocrates, as though he fed much on Agnus, Castus, and sallets of Lettice and Rew steep'd in drink, viris Venerem minuens, (Mulieribus addens) a great friend to Masculine ch [...]stity, and being unmarried, wanting wedlock waters to coole his fires, he improves as a Votary to Minerva and the Muses the ordinary use of ex [...]iccating Tobacco, and is put to his shifts of daily shifted shirts, yea of swimming in ponds and rivers, as S. Francis tumbled himselfe naked in the nettles, and S. Dominick in the snow, ad restinguendam Venerem, to keep himselfe chast by art, though not by nature; yet when he puts off his considering cap, and puts on his barly cap, as he begins to be a friend to Bacchus and Ceres, he shewes him­selfe no foe to Venus, (as once her Adonis:) nay then as much as any of her Priap [...]ed Friers, or such vestall Nuns her Votaries as filled Grego­ries Fish-pond with five hundred sculls of dead Infants, or as Pope Joan who by the help of a Cardinall or carnall [...]oal'd a faire young Pope in the open street, (as the right Scarlet Whore indeed) least the Papacy should want heire males of her bodie unlawfully begotten, or as chast as that Cardinall in England who declaimed against the mar­riages of Ministers, when himselfe was catched in bed with a Concu­bine that very night: this late Lusty Laurence, that Lancashire Lad, who had 17. bastards in one year, if we believe his Ballad, after his Ale­mash and pot provender, is a stallion that neighs after every female Filly, every Phillis or Ill-is, he is in this hot humour, omnium horarum homo, as the Schoole-boy or Foole-boy misconstrued it, a man for e­very whore, a Jack for every Gi [...] omnium mulierum vir, as Caesar was called, prostituting his Terentia, Servillia, Po [...]humia, and other Mi­stresses, more then the late French Henry had; in this potting pickle: any flesh fits his over-boyling pot, all is fish, or rather flesh that comes to his net, from Madame to mad, he will use puddle waters to quench his fires, rather then none, any dirty pudding serves this hot whelp of Cerberus, he desires to devoure more flesh then any Minotaure, he would not spare an Ephigenia if she come in his way, this Cub would lick and worry also leane lambs rather then none, no Jephtas daughter [Page 14]should bewaile her Virginity, if she would but bend her string to his bow, for as he waxeth wild with wine, he would seale all his obscame Letters with Virgins wax, and breake up every Bride Pie, ere it be well bak'd by Hymen, though it breed nought but wormes within him, and raw crudities in his drunken thirst, he is such a hot-spur, that he would lose every Virgin Zone ere it be truly tied by Hymen, and good Sir John; in this hot pot posture he will promise every maid marriage, and seale his promise if he can with his owne Image, though once seducing a­ny daughter of Eve to tast the forbidden fruit, this hot Serpent casts off the poisoned tree, this Spaniel shakes off the water on the shore, when he hath used it to catch his desired Duck, when he hath corrupted the wine, he throwes by the crack'd barrell, as Polititians throw by all ladders (if not break them, if Court-ladders for Princes) once climing to their own ends; his desires after women increase with his wine, the fifty daughters of Danaus in one night deflowred by Herculès, nor the one hundred Sarmatian Virgins prostituted by Proculus in one weeke, nay all the women in the grand Turks Seraglio would scarce sattisfie the desires of this flesh-monger, this Mutton-worrier: this calfe so sur­feits on change of pastures, and he is so oft shaven with female Barbers, whose waters are heated with S. Anthonies fire, that vox populi cries, there went the haire away, so far and so fast plucked off by a French P. called if you will a Pincer, that there is not a haire betwixt his head and heaven, but with this he shames so little, not caring one heire for his haires, that he counts it his (gracelesse) grace to be neare a kin to Romes Caesar, oft called, as a cooling card to his triumphs, Mechum calvum the bald Lecher, as also to the French Carolus calvus and Baldus the great Civilian. But I leave this Junior Heliogabalus or Sar­danapalus, or pale-asse in praesenti tobe more wise in futuro, when the burnt child hath so oft felt the feared fire, otherwise unlesse he mend his waies, should I survive him, I would write on him this Epitaph,

But as I have no Genius for a Poet, I would not for a world the world should know it, so I turne my Prose in the next place to a Poet indeed, a doughty Poet in his drink,

8. Drunken Don Quixo [...], ali-ass Wittypoll.

OF a sudden by the fumes of Bacchus a mushrump Poet, (as a Plebeian Enthusiast in a trice by a Revelation dropped out of the clouds, or like a Pallas (pale-asse) borne out of a fictitious Jupiters braine, in his owne conceit or deceit, is a Mushrump Preacher,) with his est Deus in nob is agitante calescimus illo, Moses and Aaron yeeld to us our fires, Promethians be our Spirits, heaven inspires, but to send your eyes after this Sir Ferdinando Fash, this Furor Poeticus, however when he is himselfe meer man, and no more, his Genius is obtuse, and dull and heavy, as a great headed Oxe that needs the Goad, or as a Smith-field jade that needs the spur, yet heated with such waters, as are extracted by fires from Limbecks of coldest Simples, he is present­ly in excelsis, he is hoisted up as a squib into the aire, with such cracks and flashes as would terrifie all the Buzzards that flock about him, and all the Ducks and Ganders that swattle with him in the same puddles or fuddles, Icarus, Dedalus, Simon Magus, our English King Blad [...]d never soared higher by Magicall or Artificiall wings, then he by the sufflations of grinded and powdered Barly, hotter in his braines to blow up his inventions, then any Salt-Peter to blow up a Parliament-House into the aire, for sympathizing with his Predecessors Tom Nash, George Peale, Kit Marlow, John Green, old Elderton, Churchard (buri­ed with Alectoes torch in the Church-Porch) fantastique Fenner, and the rest of the pottizing Poetizing fraternity: he never is so good a Poe­taster, as when a pot-taster, when he is as giddy with drink, as a Mid­summers Goose, then he swaggers more valiantly with a Goose-quill, then any Cline [...]s or Damatas from the Bodkin to the pike upward, then he marcheth thorow any mans guts as it were with Gunpowder­termes, his pen pricks sharper then a Porcupines, his ink is as strong as his drink, it peirceth into a mans braines, in jerking Iambicks and pric­king Satyres, sharper then the bristles of a Hedge-hogg, it were able to make another Hipponax go hang himselfe. Oh, how he then [...]ents Sesquipedalian words, how his [...]e [...]mes are stronger then Aqua-fortis that eats into steel, how he speaks lapldes & Fulmina, squibs and fire­works, how his wits sparkle like salt in the fire, he casts them amongst his Comraiges, as one Maples in Cambdens Britania said, he was cast amongst Courtiers, as salt amongst fresh Eels, to ma [...]e them frisk, and dance without a piper: of all Heresies now revived extremo ab orco, as from the lowest held, which [...]ow pester the Church, as Locusts from the [Page 16]bottomlesse pit, as he hates most the Heresie of the Aquarii, or water­drinkers, so he is very glad that it is not set abroach now amongst the rest; he holds this Axiome above any Article in the Nicene or Apo­stolick Greed, that nulla, scribuntur, Carmina aquae potoribus, that as good verses come from Rurall Skinkers, as from our Hydro-Poets, wa­ter drinkers, and he is verily perswaded that however Tailour row in the water, yet when he shaped his best Poeticall shreds, his Muse drunk wine out of the old bottells of the Tower: in briefe, lapping out of old Homers bason, that Vinum Cos. which Homer drunk, though he doe not as exactly as Virgil imitate Homer, nor as our Chaucer and Spencer Vir­gil, yet as Anguitur vini vinosus Homerus, as Homers raptures smell of wine, so doe his Rapsodies with old Ennius nunquam nisi potus ad arma, he never poetizeth so vigorously, as when he poetizeth with his tip­pling tools, then secundi & foecundi calices fecere desertum, he quaffes elo­cution out of full cups pleno cornu, every Can is his Cornucopia, post sump­tum vinum loquitur sun lingua Latinum, he with his wine sips wits and words so strong as fill him fluent with his Latine Tongue, his pinta Maior, and pinta Minor, this pot and that pinte makes him more fluent then Hector pinta upon Esa: these are to him for words and phrases more then either Couper or Minshaw, or Calepine, or Holyoake or Rider, or Thomas Thom-ass or any other Dictionaries: if he be to hammer out any wordy work indeed, he never stands musing on the matter, with his Pierides Musae, nor doth invocate his great Pan, a great Can, out of which he steals a hearty draught, elevates his soring raptures as high as Parnassus, his Helicon is only to Hell-it-on, as we say in Yorkshire, and power in spirited liquor which will cause him powre out spirited lines; but at last leaveing this Junior Randoll; Pupill to Aristippus to read his red Latice Lectures, I take a Synopsis with a little more brevity on

9. Drunken Spermologous.

A Bird of the same feather, a word-minter, a Coriatized Odcomb, a meer verball Windy-bags, above any mountbank, Emperick, or Albumazar, a coiner of fustian phrases in Bacchus his forge, in such proud pittied and derided follies, straining to be eloquent, as the fabled Frog swelled to be an Oxe, in his Inkcornisme Rombismies; Gallymaw­freyes, and Omnigetherums, of English and Latine, and some shreds of French too, and in his Gibberish in Welsh and Cornish, which he would have to go for Greek, mixt also together in such a drunken hotch­potch [Page 17]of affected rope Rhetorick, as makes him as ridiculous as a jang­ling Jay, or prating Parrot, which talks at randome she knowes not, nor she cares not what; all his discourse, as too course for any judici­ous and solid eare, being held onely to keep a fitting Symetry with Sir Simon Simple, and Sir Gregory Non-sence, such companions as most of our zeale-drunk Plebeians take with them up into most of our usur­ped Pulpits, which they leave as fouly polluted with ignorance and arrogance, as Foxes, Fowmarts, Weasells and Poulcats leave ill smells behind them where ever they come: but having enough of this Windy­baggs, permitting him to fly with the wings of his wits, fantastically feathered, as an Ole in an evening, I make as bold as welcome, to de­scant a brother of his,

10. Drunken Phylautus,

WHo double drunk with selfe-conceit, as well as wine, he is no sooner a note above Ela in his maultified mentall musick, but then especially, he conceits all his Geese to be Swans, his Capons Cocks, his Goats Sheep, his Rats Rabbits, and his Glow-worms blazing Stars; and that he, and not that whilom fantastike Parsons, nor yet old Obe­ron is King of the Fayries, or faire-eyes, the great Duke of Eutopia, and the grand Seignior of all that Land, within the Orb of the Moone, which the Authour of the Lunatick Moon-book Mathematically and Supposititiously describes unto us: I must confesse, when I observe the strange humours and conceits of his out-weaned worthlesse selfe, which the Devill and drink infuseth into this proud drunken foole, and note all the addle idle eggs which Bacchus hath in his braine, I lesse marvell, that a poor, silly, simple, vulgar, Mechanick Ideot drunk with meer blind and bewitching zeale, and selfe-conceit of his supposititious and imaginary gifts, should conceit himselfe to be as legall, as able, as gifted as called a Preacher, as any of the Sons of the Prophets, on whom God hath redoubled, as the spirit of Elias on Elisha, the spirit of preaching, and whom the Church hath called to the Function of a Pa­stor. But being as much ashamed, that Doctor Carter, Carrier, Currier, Brewer, Dunce, and Dulman, should presume to equallize Doctor Worth, Wisdome, and Discretion, as that Cumanus his Asse should jet it in a Li­ons skin, or that any Midas should as an emblame of a sottish Audi­tor, preferre Pans harsh poore pipe, before Apolloes melodious Harp: I sound retreat to stand, and observe another strange Bac­chanalian,

11. Drunken Sip-Sobrius.

A Strange Hermaphrodite, who in one houre changeth from drunk to sober, as a Raven in few daies changeth from white to black in her hatching nest, and as a Hare and Hiena are said in one yeare to change from male to female, and as Camerarius in his Historicalls, Gou­lart and Wolfius in their Admiranda, instance in many changing Sexes, from men to women, as the witches in Livonia in the moneths of June and July, are said to change from women into wolves: so this Sip-So­brius, as though rope-maker-like he went backward and forward, as some men and women with their words and works, he is in a very trice both drunk and sober: what operation the diversified musick of Timotheus had to cause Alexander first to put on his Armour to fight as a Lion, then to calme him as mild as a Dove, or to turne him to a sad melancholy, and then by other strains to be joviall, me thinks the same worke hath drink in this Camelionized metamorphosed Mault­worme, Peernizing him from drunk to sober, sooner then all solid preaching and powerfull oratorious perswafions can work upon the intoxicated braines of a mad Plebeian Enthusiast, to turne him from a zeale-drunk self-conceited Teacher, to his owne former garb of a so­ber Tradesman, which being almost as impossible as to conjure down a Devill into hell, his old Center, or to gather the dispersed winds into Aeolus his bag againe: I leave him, and being bold to straine curtesie with the Clergie as well as the Laity, I make up my Browne Dozen with

12. Drunken Clericus, or Simplicius.

THe Countrey Vicar, who to his meat must have liquor, as well as others, even as oft as a Lemman to his fauce, as Mr. Howard told Queen Mary when she took away wines from the Clergie, yea though many call him Sir Iohn Lack Latine, yet with his good will this Senior Immerito, will not lack liquids; in which humour, pace tanti viri, I have oft seen I must confesse, even learned Latinizing Beuclark himselfe, and sometimes Ingenioso, a Master of Arts, as well as Tripes the prevarica­ting Sophister, or Aristippized Randoll, or Iunior, and Senior vix Sanior Bachalaurius, Baculo, non Lauro dignus, with many fellowes as right good fellowes in Colledges, as Noah was a good Lawyer, Butler a good Physitian, and Paracelsus a good Chimist: and although that Carp-fish that Aristarchus or stark-ass, that Tymonist, that Misanthro­pist, yea that dogged Cynick, if not formall Pharisee, that Samet more [Page 17]precise then wise brain-sick Zealist, who will not only friske away from the best gifted Preacher, as a young Heifer with a tick on her taile, out of a fresh pasture, leaping over hedges, or as a wild Deere or Rascall trips over the mountaines at chop of a Beagle, but will shoot his fooles bolts at him, that he is a friend to Publicans or Sinners, if he see him but (semel in anno ridens Apolle) raro aut nunquam, now and then in an Inne or Tavern, though perhaps upon as lawfull an occasion as the Spies had who lodged in Rahabs Inne in Jerico, or as Josoph had when he took up his lodging in Bethlem: I say such a criticall or hypo­criticall censor, had need to have either his braines took out and washt with salt and sage, or his inwards purg'd from the over-flowings of gall and swellings of the spleen: yet neverthelesse as I would have all of Levies Tribe to steere from the rocks of the least offence, because a little mote is seen in their eyes, a little mire on their coat, and that which is drunkennesse (saith a Father) in others, is sacriledge in them; so for my part, sepe bilem, vestri movere tumultus, it oft stirres up my passion, as well as compassion, to see so many excellent good parts, pains, gra­ces, and wits not only washed, but as once Noahs for a time drowned in drink, at least soiled as Pearls in a quagmire; as they tax the finnes of others, so the observing vulgars taxing some of them, not for legall using, but too much abusing both Bacchus Tobacco, and all strong li­quids in their quiffs and their quasss, that they oft drink till there be no wine in their pots, wits in their pates, nor wealth in their purses, in most Climes, some ecclipsing and clonding all the best of their shining gifts by the interposition of a lunatick watery Plannet, many more commonly then commendably taking their liquors till their liquors take them, as the Lobster catch'd the Cat, when the Cat thought to catch the Lobster, and as the Wasp catch'd the Welsh-man by the nose, when her thought to eatch the Wasp by the laps of her yellow Jerkin: carousing as freely all sorts of strong liquids, whether Der­by Ale, or Nantwich Whiskings, or Bristow Beer, or Glocestershire Sydar, or Worcestershire Perry, or Welch Meath and Metheglin, or French Claret, or Germane Rennish, or sweet Muscadine, and Malmsie, or Spanish Sack well mixt with sugar, as zeale with discretion, all quaft as freely as the Turks their Cossa, the Graecians their Falern, and Vinum Cos, the Irish their Aqua vitae, and Ʋsque bangh, or the Iesuites in Paris their vinum Sorbonicum & Jesuiticum; I resolve to tell you the truth, (as giving you thirteen to the Dozen) to Anatomize

13. Drunken Tom Tell-troath.

TO give you the full or foole of him, he is one that either never read or never understood nor regarded Alberius magnus, that great All-beard, nor Wickerus, nor Baptista Porta, nor Levinus Lemnius de secretis, nor Cardan de occultis, nor any writings of hid things and se­crets, which he no more heeds nor observes to keep, then most in this false and sickle age, heed or keep faith, truth, honesty, justice, cre­dit or conscience, which most of them are fled to heaven to complaine of their want of entertainment upon earth. Of all others he is unfit to be a Secretary as a woman, who for the most part writes Romane hand, few of that sex Secretary; eversince Fulvia bewrayed the secrets of Cataline, Martia of Comodus, Dalilah of Sampson, or Fabia of her husband Fabius, concerning that which Augustus revealed to him of adopting Tyberius to be his successor in the Empire, what ever he knows must out at one hole or other: were I a King, and he as familiar with me, as Schoogan with the French King, I would make him of my pri­vy, rather then of my counsell, least he kept it no better then a sive or a riddle keeps water: what I would have known or divugled, I would tell him, he would vent it sooner in his cups, then if I told it in a Barbers shop, a Milne, a Market, a Schoole-house, amongst boyes, a Bake-house amongst wenches, or at a Gooseups feast, onely commen­ding one good thing in him, (as once one just act in Cambises) I leave him, and that is, that he never lets any secrets rot in his mouth, (as a Romane once Apologized) to cause him to have a stinking breath. But least we hunt him and his fellowes out of breath, for their being foxt like Foxes till they stink again, giving them a breathing time to repent, and to weep, if it be but drunken tears in their Dog-sick vomits, we reprieve them till the next Sessions, where more of their fellowes, God willing, shall be arraigned with them at Bacchus his Barre: and as we find some dozen and a halfe more of them guilty, after whipping and stripping, they shall have a shipping into Drunkallia, or the Isle of Gulls, for their too bold and base abusing of Sir John Bar­ly corne, and M. Mault his bearded son, and M. Barly-broth, his braine­lesse daughter, as in a manner unworthy, till they mend their manners, to stay or stagger any longer in the Isle of Man.