THE Philosophers which lived in the old time, their Opini­ons were so hard of Marriage, that they never delighted therein: for one of them being asked, why he married not? he answered it was too soon: And afterwards when he was old, being asked the same question, he then replyed, It was too late. And as another well said, Many are the troubles which come galloping at the heels of a woman, which many young men before hand do not think of. The world is not all made of Oate­meal; nor all is not Gold that glisters; nor a smiling countenance is no cer­tain testimonial of a merry heart; nor the way to Heaven is not strewed with Rushes; no more is the Cradle of ease in a womans lap. For know; it is an old saying, That he which hath a fair wife, and a white horse, shall never be without troubles: for commonly a woman that hath a fair face, is ever matched with a cruel heart, and their modest countenance with merciless minds: she can both smooth and sooth, and is so cunning in the art of flattery, as if she had been bound Prentice twice seven years to the Trade: They have Syrens tongue to allure thee, and Circes cunning to inchant thee: They bear two tongues in one mouth like Judas, and two hearts in one breast like Magus; the one full of smiles; the other, full of frowns: they can with the Satyr, out of one mouth, blow hot and cold. And what of all this? truly nothing, but to tell thee, That an unconstant and unchast woman is better lost than found, better forsaken, then taken; but a constant, chast, and vertuous woman, doth far excel the most purest and refinest gold.

A lewd and froward woman is compared to a Pumice-stone; for which way way soever you turn it, it is full of holes: Even so is such a ones heart, for if [Page] she retains love at one hole, she excludeth it at another. O they have delicate tongues, which will ravish and tickle the ears of giddy-headed young men; so foolish, that they think themselves happy, if they can but kiss the Dazie where­on their Love did tread: who if the frown, then he descends presently into hell; but if she smile, then he is carryed with Wings up into heaven. Is there not an old saying, That when a Dog wags his tayl, he loves his Master? So many think, that if a woman smile on them, she is presently over head and ears in love: one must wear her Glove, another her Garter, another her colours of delight, and another shall spend and live on the spoyl which the getteth from all the rest: Know therefore, If thou wilt give thy body to the Chyrurgeon, and thy soul to the De­vil, such Syrens are for thy dyet.

It is strange to see the mad feats of such Girls; they will now be merry, then again sad; now laugh, then weep; now sick, then presently whole: all things which like not them, are naught; and if it be never so bad, if it like them, it is excellent. O it is death for women to be denied the thing which they demand, and yet they will despise things given unasked! When a woman wanteth any thing, she will flatter and speak fair; not much unlike the flattering Butcher, who gently claweth the Ox, when he intendeth to knock him on the head. Nay more, they are called Night-Crows, for that commonly in their Chamber they will make request for such toys, as cometh in their heads in the day. Women know their time to work their craft; for in the night they will work a man like Wax, and draw him like as the Adamant doth the Iron: and having once brought him to the bent of her Bow, then she makes request for a Gown of the new fashion stuff, for a Petticoat of the finest Stammel, or for a Hat of the newest fashion: and will never be quiet, if her mind be set upon a thing, till she have it. So that if her husband put her off with delays, then her fore-head will butt full of frowns, as if she threatned to make Clubs Trump, and he (poor soul) ne­ver a black Card in's hand: For with her cruel tongue she will ring him such a peal, that one would think the Devil were come from hell, calling of him Rogue, Rascal, Wittal, Sot, &c. saying, she could live without such a faggot-fac'd hornifi'd Coxcomb, as he, with a wannion to him.

Sure I am, men may live without women, but women cannot live without men: For Venus, whose beauty was excellent fair, yet when she needed a mans help, she took Vulcan, a club-footed Smith. And therefore if a woman face gli­ster, and her gesture pierce the Marble Wall; or if her Tongue be so smooth as Oyl, and so soft as silk, and her words so sweet as honey; or if she were a very Ape, for wit, or a baggage of Gold for wealth; or if her personage have stoln away all that Nature can afford, and she be deckt up in gorgeous apparel, then a thousand to one but she will love to walk where she may get acquaintance, and acquaintance bringeth familiarity, and familiarity setteth all follies a­broach; and twenty to one, that if a woman love gadding, but that she will pawn her honesty to please her fantasie.

Alas, alas! Man must be at all the cost, and yet live by the loss; a man must take all the pains, and women spend all the gains; a man must watch and till, and look what he getteth in seven years, a Wanton Gill will spread it abroad with a fork in one year, and yet little enough to serve her turn, but a great deal too little to get her good will.

What shall I say more, but as they were by God created, and by Nature for­med, and therefore by policy and wisdome to be avoided; for good things abu­sed, are to be refused, or else for a moneths pleasure, she may hap to make thee go stark naked: she will give the rost-meat, but she will beat thee with the spit: If thou hast Crowns in thy purse, she will be thy hearts gold, untill she leave not a whit of white money: they are like Summer-birds, for they will abide no storm, but flock about thee in the pride of thy glory, and fly from thee in the storms of affliction; for they aym more at thy wealth then at thy person, and esteem more thy money, then vertuous qualities.

In a word, they esteem of a man without money, as a horse doth of a fair stable without meat.

These things being wisely considered, who would submit unto their alluring Angles, and bow at their becks? and who would impoverish himself, to enrich such Harlots, to make them swim in their silks, and make Gill a Gentlewoman, insomuch that she careth not a peny for the finest, nor a fig for the proudest: she is as good as the best, although she have hardly as much honesty as will serve her own turn, suffering every mans fingers as deep in the dish, as thine are in the platter, and every man to angle where thou castest thy hook, holding up to all that come, not much [...]like a Barbers Chair, that so soon as one Knave is out, another is in, a common hackney for every one that will ride, a boat for eve­ry one to row in.

Now if thy wealth do begin to fail, then she biddeth thee farewel, and gives thee the adieu in the Devils name: not much unlike the Knavish Porters in Bristow, who will cry ‘A new Master, a new; and hang up the Old.’

To ma [...]e thee strongest therefore, to strive against these Serpents, it is the Law and Precept of sundry modest women, to all men whatsoever, To beware of six ki [...]ds of women, and to take heed that they match not themselves to any one of them; that is to say, If a woman be never so comely, beautiful of body, sober of countenance, sober of countenance, eloquence in speech, and adorned with vertue, yet they have one ill quality or other, which overthroweth all the rest.

Beware also how thou matchest unto a Jezabel widow, for she will be the cause of a thousand woes: if rich, then she will govern: if poor, then thou art plagued both with beggery and bondage: If thou shew thy self sparing, she will say, thou shalt not pinch her of that which is her own; and if thou do any thing contrary to her mind, she will say, her other husband was more kind: If thou chance to dine from home, she will bid thee go sup with thy harlots a­broad: If thou go abroad, and spend any thing before thou comest home, she will say, A begger I found thee, and a begger thou meanest to leave me. If thou stay [Page] always at home, she will say, Thou art happy thou hast gotten a wife that is able to maintain thee idle. If thou carve her the best morsel on the Table, though she take it, yet she will take it scornfully, and say, She once had a husband that would let her cut where she liked her self. And if thou come in well disposed, thinking to be merry, and intreating her with fair words, she will call thee dissembling hypocrite, saying, Thou speakest me fair with thy tongue, but thy heart is on thy Mini­ons abroad. Besides this, she will not trust thee with a handsome Maid in thy house, but must have a brended slut, like a Hell-hag, with a pair of paps like a pair of dung-pots; so that if upon just occasion thou throwest the platters at thy Maids head, seeing thy meat brought in by such a slut, and so sluttishly drest, then will thy Widow take pepper in the nose, and stamp, and stare, and look so sowr, as if she had come but even then from eating of Crabs, saying, If thou hadst not married with me, thou wouldest have been glad of the worst morsell that is here, thou Cornuted Beast thou.

Loe here's a life, but it is as wearisome as Hell; for if they kiss in the mor­ning, being friends, yet ere Noon are ready to throw the house out at window. A sad life, and a mad life! For note, that one having married with a Widow, being one day at a Sermon, heard the Preacher say, Whosoever will be saved, let him take up his Cross and follow me. This mad fellow after Sermon was ended; took his wife upon his back, and came to the Minister, saying, Here is my Cross, I am ready to follow thee whither thou wilt.

Another merry companion having married with a Widow, and carryed her over Sea into France, there suddenly arose a great storm, insomuch that they were all in danger of drowning; the Master of the ship called unto the Mari­ners, and bad them take and throw over-board all the heaviest goods in the ships: This married man hearing him say so, he took his Widow, and threw her over: and being asked the reason why he did so, he said, That he neverfelt any thing in all his life that was so heavy to him as she had been.

Another having marryed with a widow, and within a while after they were married, she went out into the garden, and there finding her husbands shirt hang close on the edge by her Maids smock, she went presently and hanged her self, upon a jealous conceit that she took: and a merry fellow asking the cause why she hanged her self, and being told that it was for jealousie, I would, said he, that all Trees did bear such fruit.

In a word, there is no woman but either she hath a long tongue, or a longing tooth, and they are two ill Neighbours, if they dwell together; for the one will ligh­ten the purse, if it be still pleased, and the other will waken thee from thy sleep, if it be not charmed.

It is strange of what kind of mettal a womans tongue is made, that neither correction can chasten, nor fair means quiet? For there is a kind of venome in it, that neither by fair means nor soul they are to be ruled. All Beast by men are made tame, but a womans tongue will never be tame: it is but a smal thing and seldome seen, but is often heard, to the terrour and confusion of many a man.

Some with sweet words undermine their husband, as Dalilah did Sampson, and some with chiding and brawling are made weary of the world, as Socrates and others. Socrates when his wife did chide and brawl, would go out of the house till all were quiet again: but because he would not scould with her again, it grieved her the more; for on a time she watched his going out, and threw a Chamber-pot out of a window on his head, Ha, ha, quoth he, I thought after all this thunder there would come rain.

Therefore as a sharp Bit curbs a froward Horse, even so a curst woman must be roughly used; but if women could hold their tongues, three to one but men would hold their hands. As the best metled blades are mixt with Iron, even so the best woman that is, is not free from faults; the goodliest Gardens are not free from Weeds, no more is the best nor fairest woman from ill deeds.

For who was adorned with more beauty then fair Venise in Cyprus, and Rodepe in Aegypt? yet both notorious Strumpets.

It is said, that the gods themselves did change their shapes, for the love of such women they lusted after: Jupiter transformed himself into a Bull, Neptune into a Horse, and Mercury into a Goat. Nay, Sampson and Hercules, for all their great strength and conquest of Gyants and Monsters, yet the one yielded his Club at Delanira's foot, and the other revealed his strength to Dalilah, and paid his life for his folly. Was not wise Solomon, and holy David overcome by the sweet enticements of women? And the great Captain Holofernes, whose sight made many thousands to quake, yet he lost his life, and was slain by a woman. Wherefore, to avoid the sight many times is the best Razor to cut off the occa­sion of the evil which cometh by women; for had not Holofernes seen the beau­ty of Judeth, and marked the fineness of her foot, he had not lost his head by her. If Herod had not seen Herodias daughter dance, he had not so rashly granted her St. John Baptists head. Had not Eve seen the Apple, and so was tempted with the beauty of the Serpent, who (as School-men write) shewed himself like a fair young-man; but had not she seen it, I say she had not eaten thereof, to her own grief, and many more.

So that consequently, he that lays his Net to catch a fair Woman, he may chance to fall into the sprindge which was laid for a Woodcock: therefore I do admonish young men, and advise old men; and I counsail simple men, and I warn all men, that they flye a wicked woman, as from the pestilence, or else she will make thee fly in the end.