THE PIMPES PREROGATIVE: Exactly and compendiously deciphered in a Dialogue between Pimp-Major Pig, and Ancient Whiskin, two most eminent men in that Faculty, with their exultation at the downfall of Doctors Commons.
WHat Ancient Whiskin? Your face prognosticates a good Term insuing; you have sure gotten some new acquaintance: I pray resolve me punctually; Are there any handsome young Countrey Girles lately come to Town that you know of, who have not too much of bashfulnes, but are a little entred and partly exercised in their severall Postures and Motions, whereby they may be fit to present to an inteligent Heyre of ample Revennues?
Truly Seigneur Pigg, my selfe am (I confesse) sufficiently experienc'd in the bréeding and bringing up of young Lasses (gramercy good Venus) and have béene as glad of such a purchase, as St. Nicholas Clerks of a ponderous Purse; yea, and have paid soundly for't too, being cited to appeare before a Court of Ciuilians; and thence indéed is the chiefe cause of my blith countenance, to heare of the downfall of those Courts, (I meane the Doctors Commons, (my Bully-rooke) that is it that elevates my Spirits in Quintoquillio to thinke upon.
Let me hugge thée for that newes kind Ancient: But, art thou sure thou speak'st nothing but truth?
Am I sure that thy face kéeps the old tincture still▪ that never-fading dye, that pure scarlet Nose of thine enami'ld with blew? So sure what I tell thée is truth without exception.
This thy good newes is welcome to me, and, will be seconded with much mirth through all our Quarters. There's not a reverend Matron in all the Suburbs but (for joy to heare of this News) will make her Bottle ale flye like Chambers at the Bank-side on a Lord Majors day; wée'l have this day registred in the Sister of the Scabberds Calender, and annually kept Holiday.
We have good reason so to doe; for those Baudy-Courts are such scarcrowes to our capering Trade, that we have béene so troubled with the Sumners, Apparitors, Promooters, Snap-dragons and Smel-smocks, wée could not lye in our beds at quiet for them, but we should have commendations from one spirituall Iudge or other.
I; and if they met not with us, they would clap a Paper upon the Dore as if the house had béene infected, or to be let; I know not what a pore they call it, I think a Quorum nomen or some such damnd name: by this Charme we were forc'd presently to walk to the Consisting Court in Pauls; or they would excommunicate us from the Church next Sunday.
Faith, if they had knowne our devotion, they would never have troubled themselves so far; our chiefe trading is on Sundayes; so they doe us a courtesie, and we may stay away cum privilegio.
Tush, their Excommunications fright not us; but our Land-ladies (poore soules) lie in most danger; for them they serve after with Excommunicato capiendo; and then our Forts are beleaguer'd with Vnder-Sheriffs, Bum-Bayliffs, Shoulder-clappers, &c. whom we somtimes beat back by violence.
That happens but seldome Brother; I am sure Madam Burley of Béech-lane was faine to compound and pay the Knaves Quartridge: she durst aswell bide at home a whole Shrove-Tuesday, as deny it. Ther's an old plump Divel cal'd Beelzebub haunts her often; that Rogue will never be satisfied, hee'l devoure more Ale then a Legion of Whores (as he termes them) for love whereof he is since turn'd Brewer.
Dammée Brother Whiskin, I was ever most troubled with your dapper Clarkes; they'l demand the best ware i'th house, put their hands in their pockets nimbly, and come upon us with an injungendo mandamus; they feed high▪ and are as hot as Goates to be satisfied: I have kept the dore forthem at their Coitum, and they pay me as a Vsurer do's a Noble-mans Porter, with God a mercy Pig: but somtime I help them to a ripe Medlar, and within a wéek after they will catch a running Nag.
I, but now wee may fit them for their swaggering and stand on our Pantofles; this happy downfall of the Doctors Commons is as welcome news to our Regiment as a rich Fathers death to his Prodigall Sonne.
True, Iack Whiskin; now my golden dayes come in: I intend to keep my foot-boy ere long; my Revennues will quickly swell to a high pith; not a Cockatrice shifts a smock without my privity, nor opens her Shop without my licence. O my conscience were I free of any Company, I should within two years be cald upon for Sheriffe; a scarlet gowne would be come me rarely.
I grant it, and make thy habit with thy face sutable. The very gilding of thy face cost more then any Broker will lend on't; yet 'tis wonderfull rich, one can scarce put a pins head betwixt a Rubie and a Pearle.
Faith Iack how rich so ere it be, it nere cost me twopence, I thank my Starrs I am respected by the bravest Boyes in Town; they grace me with the name of Cousin. I flesh and furnish with variety young Gallants, whose stomacks can digest nothing but raw mutton, and they fill my Fob for't with their bounties, and foxe my Nose at their owne proper charges. I am now puveying for a Gent. a young Leveret; therfore I must take leave, and cannot stay.
Well go thy way Tom: thou hast a priority of thy whole Profession: Ile have The destruction of Doctors Commons proclaim'd, that the Lemmonds may trade with more security: they will now keep open-house, dance Levalto's for joy, and danme a Tun in healths to its confusion.
Farewell.
The last Will and Testament of DOCTORS COMMONS.
I DOCTORS COMMONS, of the Parish of St. BENEDICTS Pauls-Wharfe London, being very aged, and sorely shaken both in Body and mind by a Westminster Ague; and perceiving by generall Computation, and sundry apparant Symptomes, that I cannot long continue, but my time drawes neere to an end; yet neverthelesse for the present of perfect memory; (to avoid all Suits and Controversies that hereafter may arise concerning my Estate, or any part or parcell thereof, and to the intent and purpose that my contentious dayes may bee consummated and ended in peace) Doe by these presents constitute, ordaine, declare and make this my last Will and Testament in manner and Forme following.
First, and principally, I bequeath my Soyle to the Salt-peeter-men to be made into Gun-powder, which shall onely be employed for the discharge of the new Cannons. Item, I bequeath my whole Bulke and Body to the Earth from whence it came, decently but not sumptuously to be buried, in the Convocation House adjacent to the Cathedrall Church of St. Pauls London aforesaid according the discretion of my Executors hereafter named. Item, for my personall Estate, (having never beene possessed of any Lands) I willingly bequeath the Iudges. Vicars-Generalls, Chancellors, Commissaries, Arch-Deacons, Deanes, Chapters, and their Surrogates; as also all high Commissioners, Iudges, Delegates, Advocates, and Legum Doctores quoscun (que) (O G, the great Commissary, alias Dr. Roan only excepted) to the high Court of Parliament▪ there to be ordered according to their merits and deservings. Item, all my Procurators, Registers, Deputy-Registers, Proctors, Examinors, and publique Notaries I bequeath to the Courts of Kings Bench, Common-Pleas, at Westminster, there to be admitted Attourneys, (in case there be not enow already, or Prohibition to the contrary.) Item, I will and bequeath all my fifty Pound Clerks to their Friends in the Countrey, or the Iustices of Peace and Quorum, to be imploy'd as Clerks use, tho wiser then their Worships. Item, I bequeath all my Iourney-men sub-journeymen, Hackney and Penny-lease Clerkes, to Chancery-lane Offices, and Brittanick Sir Hugh Prestar to the Star-Chamber. Item, I will and bequeath all my Pursevants, Messengers, Apparators, Cryers, Sumners, Beadles and Promooters, &c. to the under-Sheriffs, or to be sent to their Father the Divell for he has most right to them. Item, all my Writings, Manuscripts, Records, Transcripts, Prescripts, Postscripts, and Subscripts. I will and bequeath as followeth. All my great Books of Acts to be divided between the Fortune and the Bull; for they spoyle many a good Play for want of Action. My Decrees to the Courts of Chancery. My Sentences to those Orators that imitate Tullies Quanquam te Marci Fili &c. My Bonds to large measuring Taylors; my Bills of Transmission to retailing Tobacconists; my incontinent Articles to Bloomsbury. Long Acre, and other places of good Fellow-ship; My Libels of defamation to all the Scolds at Billings-gate and elsewhere to be orderd by their discretions. Lastly, I will and bequeath my new Cannons, and the Oath, &c. to the Tower to defend him that made them. And all the rost of my Manuscripts, Escripts, Writings, and superfluous Papers whatsoever to Cookes, Bakers, Grocers, and Chandlers. Item, I make the Scotch-men my Executors, (who (I doubt not) but with all diligence will see the execution of this my last Will and Testament, and desire they will see these my Legacies paid and performed immediately after my decease. In witnesse whereof, I the said Doctors Commons have hereunto set my hand and Seale this 26. of Iune in the yeare of our Lord. 1641.
Imprinted at London in the Yeare, 1641.