A Diurnall of Dangers.
SOme conceive (and not without just cause) that there is a great division in this Kingdome of England, divided into two Parties, the Malignant and the Well-affected; but for my own part, who they be that be Malignant, or well-affected, I am utterly ignorant; that there be Malignant, I doe not much doubt of; but who are, or ought to be the well-affected, I leave to censure: Betwixt these two I am confident there are halfe as many Neuters; men se basely indifferent, and of such timerous natures, that aiming to serve God and Mammon, (it being too hard a taske) they resolve truly to serve neither, but write themselves the servants of the Time: These be they who in times of Action no question will be dangerous, and (as they think) securely mischievous; because they pronounce a faire and submissive friendship both to the right hand and to the left; & I could wish that when they are found out, because we may the better know them again, they may be distinguished by some queint mark, as a K. and a P. and the picture of a Round-cut head on one shoulder, and the forme of a golden Coronet on the other; any thing, so it may make a distinction; that whilst one party is striking at the Crown, the other may be breaking of the pate: And by this means John Indifferent wil be indifferently wel knockt, as (when you shall heare their barbarous and inhumane plots) you will say they are worthy ont; and that it is pity they should live.
Munday.
IT was really reported, that last Munday was Senight, early in the morning, before the valiant Prentices came to exercise in the Artillery-ground by Moore-Fields, that a crew of these Neuters had planted in the 6. Windmils 6. Peeces of Ordnance charged with white powder, to the end there might be no Report heard from the Peeces, when they intended their monstrous and bloudy execution, though against whom on man can yet directly tell, but being mounted with their muzzles towards Shoreditch, it was reported by a very understanding man (of a Citizen) that (as sure as we live) their full intention was to batter down Bow, and make pillage of the green Geese; and nothing (he said) grieved him so much, as that his wife and children would be like to suffer in the flock. Another Gentleman in scarlet (a Soap-boylers man) standing by, having a little better skill in Military affaires, gave his opinion, that if they had intended such a businesse, their onely way had been to beat down Shoreditch, for after that it was ten to one but Bow would yeeld the town up, where they might fortifie themselves against Black-wall, Limus, and Ratcliffe, & having taken them, they might easily purchase shipping, and with those ships take Greenwich & the Castle. Another Cavalier being next him, with a buffe coat, which he constantly wore when he was a brown-baker) gave his opinion that his friend had censured weil, and bolted out sufficient judgement, for, sayes he, (do ye mark me) having taken the Castle, they might easily shoot down Saint Toolies, and then it were a thing of nothing to plant Ordnance upon Saint Mary Overies Church, against the Tower. This Baker for his junhement was [Page 3] presen [...]ly laid hands on as a conspirator: and so it happened, for without the rack he confest that his Miller drew him into the plot, who all this while thought himselfe as secure as a theefe in a mil; but the baker (to redeeme his credit,) ventured up the woodden Fort, and puld the miller downe by the heeles, whose braines gave a rebound upon every staire. After this they discovered themselves, and as it happened the Ring-leader of all this conspiracie, was a fat stradling fellow they cald him Captain Tripes, whose ambitious venture was onely for honour, that he might forsooth be suddainly advanced from a Serjeant to a Captain, yet for his good service, he was not absolutely doomd to perpetuall imprisonment, but confined to live by a prison all dayes of his life, and to have no mnat alowed him but what he can get by the catch (at which it seemes he hath been old dogg at.) These conspirators thus miraculously taken, the 6. Ordnance were dismounted, and by a dozen chosen strong men carried closely back again to Tower wharfe, from whence the night before he brought them. The policie of these mens planting Ordnance in the Windmils, was, because their forts should turne according to their Religion, they being Neuters, that if there should be any battail betweene Bow and Higate, they might winde to the stronger side: but since we have by providence escaped this great and iminent danger, it shall become us to be thankful, make bone-fires, and drinke till with maudlin joy our teares extinguish the firebrands.
Tuesday.
THis first attempt fayling they practised fresh inventions, new conspiracies, their mischiefe grows [Page 4] as faithfull as the round heads of Hidra, whose every lop causeth the springing of another head, whether some of these late honest volenteeres must bee put in Guarrison in these small Villages about the Citie, for the oecessary safeguard of it, or whether it be the conspirators jelousie, (for they that are bad themselves, daily ground jelousies upon others) what is the cause I know not, but the Tuesday night following, these contrivers, these Covenanters, 20. of them pretended to be merry (note the villanie of these rogues) because it was neer Islington, & thought it a Guarrison Towne, and knew they should have good ale and cakes for pillage (impudent villains that dare pillage their own Countrey) went all into the water-house, and called in freely for all varieties, spared no cost, (a pox on them, they knew how to come by it again) the Master of the house though it were mid-night was loath to put them out again, especially being such profitable guests: Yet having been up the night before, desired they would excuse him and suffer him to goe to bed, (cunning Traitors) they were presently as willing as he, that they might act their deede of darknes, their helbred purpose, (for now comes on the horror of it) the servant being drunke a sleepe, they got with all speede about their businesse, in came the hundred barrels of gunpowder, the cunning pioners had sprung a mine under the water by which they had accesse to through the cellar, when they had laid the barrels under water, made their traines sure, and were ready to fire the match, a damp put the candle out, and (as good luck would have it) there was no fire in the house, one of them steps to Clarken-well to fetch fire, which when hee had, the watch seeing a man run [Page 6] hastily with fire to Islington, the houre being late, and the times dangerous, they follow him at heels; not only to the house, but in and down into the cellar, broke open their barrels, conveyed away their fire, apprehended the conspirators, or as sure as we are here they had (before morning) blown up the new River, and drowned all Islington, to the utter desolation of cheesecakes, cakes, lamb-pies, stued prunes, custards, creame and fools: nay theres not a man would have bin left. The plotters were that night carryed to the powdering-tub, where now they remaine in a sweet pickle; if ever they come to tryall, they wil be hanged, drawn and quartered, and glad they scape so too.
Wednesday.
MIschiefs never come alone, and to see how they succeed one on the neck of another. On Wednesday there was a strange and desperate felony committed in the Tower among the Lyons, but it may passe for a cheat; there was the biggest Lyon stole from thence, and a mastife-dog left in the roome; but the thiefe never carryed him to heaven nor to hell, for comming to Fan-church street, who should he meet with but one that knew the Lyon, who forced him back again, & the Lyon is in the Tower at this houre, in a good houre be it spoken; but they have a very sick den of it with two of them; one is troubled with the chin-cough, and the other lyes sick of the tooth-ache.
Thursday.
ON Thursday there was a dangerous rumour in Kent, that at Dover-Peere an Armie of 4000. Venetian Curtizans are landed, to subvert this Nation; for it is reported in other Countries that we are sooner captivated with women then with men: and in such [Page 7] wars there is no difference betwixt the Round-head and the Cavalier; they can both agree well enough in their vices, but cannot in points of Religion; therefore they may doe good, who knows, and be the only means to reconcile us; yet if that were the way, we should not need to borrow aid of other Nations; we have more women already then can live honestly one by another, (take City and Suburbs) therefore I beleeve this is a lye, and will tell it no farther.
Friday.
ON Friday there was no known danger, but toward evening; and then they say the Beares of Paris-garden were seen to row the mastife-dogs up & down the Thames. It is a little unusuall, but no danger in it, it is a signe we shall all be friends.
Saturday.
ON Suturday there was a combustion amongst the Bedlamites; insomuch that the Keeper and his strong assistance could scarce restraine them. One (above the rest) cryed, cryed, He would have Justice, or he would pul the house down: and swore he was committed for a mad man, because he had the audacious impudence to demand his owne at the hands of his betters. Four or five other cryed out, They make us mad, They make us mad, and our onely way is to petition that we have no more new moones. Whilst they were thus speaking, one of the maddest sort, with three or foure mad women, had set fire of the straw, which were seconded by most of the rest; and by a strange miracle were reclaimed, with Musick, and a Song, made and sung by a Gentleman that was almost recovered from his lunacie; and while the fire slacked, thus went on his Ditty:
SONG.
With this conclusion all was quiet, and thus ends this weekes disasters with the strange remedies; thinke of them, and let it be a faire warning to us. Farewell.