Harry Hangman's Honour: OR, Gloucester-shire Hangman's Request TO THE Smoakers or Tobacconists in LONDON.
YOu that trade in that Weed called Herba Exotica, Herba Nicotiana, Petum, but commonly called TOBACCO, and by your Profession are called Smoakers, or Tobacconists; give me leave to address my self unto you, and make my Grievances known; forasmuch as I understand, that the very same thing which offends me, is also very offensive unto you: and I shall gladly assist you to the present Power, for a redress of those our Grievances.
[Page 2] But take it not ill at my hands, that I should offer to associate my self with you: for I shall prove my Place and Calling to be far before and beyond yours, for
- 1. Antiquity,
- 2. Dignity,
- 3. Integrity,
- 4. Innocency,
- 5. Utility,
- 6. Necessity,
- 7. Piety,
- 8. Civility.
1. For Antiquity; I shall be able to prove, that there was a Hangman in Gloucester-shire, before there was any Smoaker or Tobacconist in London: and I doubt not but I shall produce a Coat of Arms, not from William the Norman Conqueror, Dane or Saxon; but from Julius Caesar, 1600 yeers since, who brought the Romanes first into this Nation: and with them came in this death which I inflict upon offenders.
2. For Dignity, My place is above the Judges; and if above the Judges, much more above yours. That it is above the Judges, I'll prove it: for although the Felon or Murderer be apprehended, by the Justice of Peace committed, by persons concerned prosecuted, by the Clerk of the Assizes arraigned, by the Jury convicted, by the Judge condemned; yet Execution (which is the life of the Law) lies in my hands. Finis coronat opus: in all Trades, he that finisheth the work, is commonly reputed the better workman. And this I can speak with confidence, to the comfort of my soul, I am as much honoured in the hearts of the people, as any Sequestrator or Excise-man in the Commonwealth of England.
[Page 3] 3. For Integrity, My place is far before you: ye use mixture and composition, compounding English with Virginia, Virginia with Spanish: I deal in honest plain simple Hemp; and never promise a man a good turn, but commonly I make good my word. And indeed, I work above-board, & above ground, candidly and clearly, by vertue of no Hocus Pocus at all, or using fraud or deceit, cheating the State, whose servant I am. And to speak truth, it behoves me so to carry my self; for the eyes of the Congregation are more fixed upon me and my actions, then they are upon the Preacher in the publike Assemblies: neither do they sleep in my Congregation, although they sit up all night, or although it be at a Summer-Size. There is one Calling which indeed seems to aspire neer my Calling; that's the Taylor; but that hath not been originally so: for anciently the Taylor sate upon the ground at work, until a great Sow came into the Room, and caught a little Taylor up in his mouth, and ran away with him; since which time, the Taylor got upon the board to work; and the rumout thereof, struck such a terror and amazement to the Taylors in London, that ever since they work in Garrets on the top of the houses.
4. For Innocency, Likewise I am before you: ye consume either Wax, Tallow, Waste-paper, or Fire; I consume neither, for I do my work by day-light: I go to work after the Sun is up, and leave work before the Sun is down.
4. For Utility, I am more profitable then you: I take off ill members, as the Poet long since said, [Page 4] Sed immedicabile vulnus fune recidendum est, ne pars sincera trabatur: and herein I go beyond your Barber-Surgeons; Barber-Surgeons take off corrupt members from the natural body, but withal, dull the edge of the instrument, and put the body to the sence of pain; but I am so much an Artist, I never dull the edge of the instrument, or put the body politique to any sence of pain at all. I go beyond Physitians too; Physitians, some, are good at one disease; some, at other diseases: but I make a perfect cure of all diseases in my Patients at once, and that with one Medicine.
6. For Necessity, Likewise I am far before you: There is a necessity of my Calling, there's none of yours; neither you nor any man else could properly call any thing his own, that now he doth enjoy, were it not for my Trade; nay, ye might look to have your throats cut in your beds.
7. And for Piety, which is the principal thing, I exceedingly surpass you. It may be said of Tobacco, as sometime Tarlton said of Oysters, That they were ungrateful meat, because they were alwayes eaten before grace; and so it may be said of you, and of your Customers or Friends, when you take Tobacco, you use no devotion at all; but now when I go to work, there is a great deal of devotion used; many times singing of Psalms, saying of Prayers, strong Ejaculations, and liftings up of the heart; and I think my Congregation is the freest Congregation in England from Hypocrisie: and to tell you the truth, I am a Preacher too, although my voyce be low, that it cannot be heard; yet I preach by my [Page 5] works and actions, but all legal Sermons, threatning nothing but death and mortality to the creature, judgement without mercy; yet some crums of small comfort I afford them, for I cheer them up by the chin, and make them see the heavens through a hole in a three-penny halter, not opening a wider gap, or proclaiming more liberty then anciently hath been, thereby destroying Fundamentals, because indeed I took the Covenant or protestation, wherein I did protest against all innovations, and I stand to my first principles; howsoever some flexible tender spirits can take Protestations and Engagements every week, and every Engagement blowing in the face of each other; nay, although they be as long as the Crest in my Coat of Arms, I mean, the Gallows beam: and I much have scorned the baseness of those Parsons that have taken the Covenant because they would get other mens livings, & took the Engagement because they would keep them. And indeed ye might call my Sermons Funeral Sermons if you please, but that I scorn to daub and flatter, and send men to heaven in halters, as some Preachers do in coffins, for ten or twenty shillings, a mourning gown or cloak; and I might have the upmost place at the Funeral-Table, but that when I come to make application of the point, I cannot speak a word of commendation concerning the party deceasing, or a word of consolation to any of their friends, who are spectators, and my hearers. I am above Preachers too: Preachers preach, that a man cannot attain unto happiness by natural will; I shew, and am able to teach, how men may be [Page 6] brought unto those high attainments under my dispensation by the freedom of a natural will, without grace supernatural or restringent, (onely in a string;) and yet many that live above themselves, come up to me and die above-ground, and many that live below Ordinances are brought up to be acted under my administrations, and turn Quakers before they die.
8. For Civility, I am to be preferred much before you: yea if a Customer or Friend come to you, ye say, Sir, will ye be pleased to take or taste a pipe of good Tobacco? here's that which is good, come, here's a sort I can commend unto you, London affords not a better sort, then I can shew you; come, take one pipe more, 'tis but such a hour of the day, or such an hour of the night; and thus ye idle out your precious time: but now, as dearest friends must part, so do we, but alwayes in due time; and I have a priviledge before any Calling in the Commonwealth of England, I have the remission of the greatest action of unkindeness, that one man can possibly express to another, before it's committed; for I take him by the hand that comes to be acted by me, and say unto him, Wilt forgive me? Yea, saith he, with all my heart; and as soon as he hath said thus, I turn aside the ladder and take away his life. And yet the greatest gallant that ever fought a Duel upon Callice-sands, never comes off with so much honour and credit as I do; for he, if he kill his adversary, as he besmears his sword with blood, so he besmuts his soul for ever with the guilt thereof, unless wip'd off by a more precious: [Page 7] and it must be murther or manslaughter at the best; but I do my work so artificially, I never shed one drop of blood, 'tis neither murther, nor manslaughter, but an act of justice; and herein I come off more a Gentleman, then the best of them.
By this time, Gentlemen, I hope you will admit of my Society, and accept of my assistance in the prosecution of the designe for the remedy of those our grievances.
And now, Gentlemen, I cannot but tell you, it hath been a sad thing to my spirit, to see some of you written Esquires, most or all of you called Gentlemen, and I all this while but plain Harry Hangman.
The truth is, Gentlemen, the very planting of Tobacco hath proved the decay of my Trade: for since it hath been planted in Gloucester-shire, especially at Winchcomb, my trade hath proved nothing worth. It's well known, that for several Assizes at Gloucester I have had but three suits of clothes at a Size, and at some Assizes no suit of cloathes at all; onely by great luck and good fortune, I had four this yeer. Is it not a sad thing, when a mans wife shall meet him coming from work, and shall ask, O husband, what trade at Gloucester to yeer? and when I have told her, But onely three suits of clothes, and very little money; she hath said to me, Husband, if this trade hold, we may go hang our selves; and were it not but onely for the credit of being a States officer, you should never follow the trade more.
It's well known, that heretofore I was used to keep Deerhurst-Fayre, a place in Gloucester-shire famous [Page 8] for three things; old Clothes, Lice, and shitten Stiles.
1. For old Clothes, because the comers thereunto wanted money to buy new.
2. For Lice, they have been so proper, goodly, fat and tall, that a Louse from that Fayre, according to his proportion and stature, hath carried as much Tallow as an Ox that comes within Smithfieldbars; and, that he hath marched about the Table carrying a half crown upon his shoulders, onely for his recreation sake, they that have seen it can speak it by experience.
3. Famous for shitten Stiles, and that's conceived to be done out of State-policy, to preserve the place from any infection, or contagion that might be left there, by means of cloaths coming from diseased parts and places; for take a fresh stoole from a sweet proper beautiful Lady or Gentlewoman, aged forty yeers, being wrap'd up in a sweet, clean linen Handkerchief, and applied unto the Nose, it is an excellent Antidote against the Plague; the juyce whereof being strained into a dish, dipping a liquorish stick into the same, and anointing the lips and teeth therewith, and chewing the same, cures the Tooth-ache, kills the Cankers, and is good for the Cough of the Lungs, and is as good in the judgement of the learned Physitian, as a receipt taken from a cheating Mountebank upon a Stage; and had it but one operation more with it, to preserve the Father of lyes from lying between the lips of men, it were the most precious Medicine in the World. They that have tried it, can set a probatum upon it.
[Page 9] This Deerhurst-Fayre I have kept many yeers, at both Fayrs, and with eight, ten, twelve suits of Cloaths at a Fayr, and some of the same Cloaths that I sold there, at one Fayr, were brought to me at the next Assizes; then Trading was something worth, then 'twas a merry World with me: for indeed before Tobacco was there planted, there being no kinde of Trade to employ men, and very small Tillage, necessity compelled poor men to stand my Friends, by stealing of sheep, and other Cattel, breaking of Hedges, robbing of Orchards, and what not? insomuch, that the place became famous for Rognes, as 'twas taken up in a Proverb by many that stood on the top of Breedon-hill viewing the Country, would say, Yonder is rich Worcester, brave Gloucester, proud Tewksbury, beggerly Evesham, drunken Pershore, and roguish Winchcombe. And Bridewel was erected there, to be a terrour to idle persons; but since Tobacco was planted there, Bridewel marched away in discontent to Gloucester, thinking to finde some idle persons among the Souldiers; but when it came there, it found none of the Souldiers idle, some slept on their Beds, others slept on the Guard; some playing at Ball, others playing at Skittles: thereupon the Countrey having bestowed six hundred pounds to put a suit of Cloaths on Bridewel's back, they had none to put into it, but the Keeper and his Wife; I dare not say, The Country were cheated of one half of the money; and if there be no toleration given to them, they must either beg, famish or steal; they have lived handsomely by their labour, and [Page 10] now they are loath to go a begging: famish they will not, for hunger will break stone walls, that's burglary; and if they go to steal in the fields, they will be quickly brought over to me. Gentlemen, we may be instrumental to do each other good; you may serve me, and I shall be glad to serve you in any office that falls within the power of your poor Servant,
The DISCOURSE between the Hang-man and his Wife.
HUsband, did not I tell you at the beginning of the troubles, when you see the Kingdom run mad, and so many thousands run to cut each others throats, and one neighbour ready to hang another, could you imagine, that ever your Trade would be good again? I may well say, they were mad, when so many thousands lost their precious lives, and to this day know not what they fought for, more then for their pay.
Yes, Wife, I'll tell thee what they fought [Page 11] for; The Liberty of the Subject, and the Priviledges of Parliament.
The liberty of the Subject, and priviledges of Parliament! but where is it?
Speak one word more of that, I'll lace your Coat with the best halter I have.
What need you to be so angry, Husband? I thought it had been nothing but paper, because I was wont to see men hold papers before their eyes, and say, Liberty of Subject, and priviledges of Parliament: and truely I thought, that the same accident had befallen it, as befel the Engagement which the poor man went to Eveshome to take, and bringing it home in his pocket with some crums of bread and cheese, laying it upon a stool by the fire-side, the hungry dog, that prophane car, eat both crums of bread and cheese and Engagement together; insomuch, that the poor man and his wife could willingly have hanged the dog, but onely for fear of bringing themselves into trouble, for hanging the dog and the Engagement together.
No, Wife, I partly understand my self, as well as another man doth, I'll tell thee what the liberty of the Subject and the priviledges of Parliament were; they were two Ceremonies setting forth these things: 1. The liberty of the Subject was a type and figure of that licentiousness that some men should assume unto themselves in these dayes of reformation, to live as they list, and others to do what they please. 2. By priviledges of Parliament, were lively and notably shaddowed forth, those many excellent, good and precious things which some men have attained unto in these times, by seeking themselves; and now the substance being [Page 12] come, the Ceremonies must needs be abolished.
Ah, Husband, I might have gone to Church long enough to a Preacher, before I should have heard any such matter.
I think so too, for Preachers are not the best Interpreters of these things; old Parliamentmen and Officers of the State give the plainest explanation of this truth; and we see it by experience, and experimental knowledge is the best: and 'tis as cleer to me, as the Gallows at Summer Sizes.
But, Husband, what is all this to us? you had been better have been ruled by me, and followed my counsel. Did not I perswade you to leave your Calling, when Trading grew dead, and turn Excise-man? though it were a Place below you, there were some honest men of the Trade; and at the beginning when it was first set up, you might have got the grace of forgetfulness, and kept money in your hands, and you could have but paid for it at last, if it had been called for. O no, not you, that would be a disparagement unto your reputation.
2. I perswaded you to turn Sequestrator: O no, not you forsooth, you were the man to whom the Judges were so much beholding, for turning their promises into performances, (they indeed, as you then could tell me, could say) Thou shalt go to the place from whence thou camest, and thence to the place of execution; but without you, what should he do there? and thus your ambition and confidence in the Judges favour, could more take with you, then any perswasion of mine.
Had you turned Sequestrator, you might have informed against a man, or procured others to have informed: provided [Page 13] alwayes, it had been such a man that had some considerable estate, and then you could not ordinarily have wanted witnesses upon some considerations to prove his malignancy: then besides the salary, having seized his goods, you might have prized it at a low rate, compounding with him upon condition he should give you ten or twenty pounds, according to the proportion of his goods and stock; and if he would not rent his Land himself, you might have set it to his loving neighbours, and then you might have terrified other Farmers and Yeomen in the Country, telling them, That they sent Money, Horse, Arms, Plate into the King's Quarters, or you were raising money at such a time and place, and then rather then they would be brought upon the stage, they would have given you ten or twenty pounds to hold your peace: not you, your honour lay in the way. Ah, hang this honour!
Then I perswaded you to obtain friends to be a Committeeman in the Country. Oh not you! though you had not the same regard, yet you had the same guard as the Judges had. I gave you all the encouragement I could, and told you what good opinion the Country had of you, which was, that you had as good a face and as honest a face as some of them: then you might have set Delinquents estates worth two or three thousand pounds a yeer, for two or three hundred: six hundred for one hundred and fifty pounds, and got money of the owners of the lands, to set them good bargains, and so cheated on both sides.
And when you had received four or five hundred pounds into your hands, you might have paid it to the Captains and Lieutenants the one half, upon condition you should keep the other.
I perswaded you to stand up for a Captain's place: not you, your valour had been so great, that you had showen your face where the best of thē would be ashamed to shew theirs. Then you might have made false musters, when false musters were in fashion; you might have muster'd ten, sixteen, twenty, thirty men in a day more then you had, or by making one man answer to two or three names, and then bought your Souldiers Debenters, at 3 s 4 d the pound, or thereabouts; and then away [Page 14] to Gurney-house, Worcester-house, and got Bishoys, Deans and Chapters lands, Kings lands, Kings rents, and the like: and then to that you pleaded tenderness, forsooth, 'twas against the hair, and it would bring a curse upon what was well gotten. O that you had been at Hereford, when that City was plundered, when the Country and City in a short time sustained the loss of 300000 l. had you had a command then, especially of Horse; and likewise at Worcester, when that was taken, how bravely did that set up many Souldiers and other Tradesmen, who had brave bargains to encrease their stocks?
And then I perswaded you to turn Gullector for the years 44 and 45. for British mony as 'twas then kirsned, when its thought there was a general cheat over the whole Nation: an instance may very well be given by our County, and County of the City, when the tax laid upon them for two yeers, amounted unto thirteen thousand nine hundred seventy pound, or thereabout, and not 40 l. left in arrear, and but 8000 l. brought into the treasury, as acknowledged by the Treasurer; and your Secretary can speak something to that business, who was part of the time imployed in the service, by way of receiving.
Call him hither.
Ah poor man! he is not, neither hath been well, ever since the last Assizes: for as he said, He waited upon you then, and saw you execute two poor men, one for picking of a pocket of 12 s. and another for picking of a pocket of 30 s. when there are many, and some of them great ones too, that have pick'd the pockets of thousands cum privilegio, with a face of authority, and nothing as yet said to them: but here he comes, let him speak for himself.
Sir, what my Mistress hath said, is true; and this I can say, That I went thrice to London to make a discovery of the same, not so much for conscience, as for that I had an old publick spirit, and was willing to do good to my self, and the Commonwealth too, hoping to have something for the discovery; but purse and patience being spent, I returned as wise as I went.
But prethee, Wife, tell me, with what face could I gather contribution from others, when I my self pay none? our [Page 15] Calling being freed from it: And it's upon this account, because there is an Ordinance which exempts Hospitals and Schools; and upon the matter, I am a School-master, for I read moral Philosophy, & teach men good manners, as it is written in the Primer, To keep their hands from picking and stealing: and when my Scholars will not receive admonition, then all the correction I give, is to tie them to the good behaviour.
I'll tell ye what course you shall take; go and sollicite causes for Ministers before the Commissioners for approbation; there is a friend and a neighbour of ours hath got a great deal of mony there, who hath been able to pass and repass men; yea, able to detain men from Augmentations and Parsonages, who are reputed able men, and help very able Dunces to pass by; and his word hath been taken, before a Certificate signed by the Maior and Aldermen of our City: which hath caused the Commissioners to be as much admired for their simplicity, as approved of by others for their known integrity.
I am not a Scholar.
You are more a Scholar then he is; for it's known that he can neither write nor read, and you have your Neck-verse.
Truely, Wife, I have heard the Gentleman much commended for a great Scholar, & that he far surpasseth Sir Oliver Fleming the Lord Protector's Interpreter; for he is able to read Hebrew, Greek, Latine, Italian, Syriack, Arabick, Chaldee, and all other Tongues and Languages exprest in Weem's book of Antiquities, the names of the Tongues and Languages taking up a leaf in quarto: and all these he can read as well as English, which is the main thing that brings him in that great esteem with the Commissioners.
That's but a jest put upon him, because he cannot read English.
Is that it? But I know little in matters of Religion.
No matter for that, a little Religion will serve turn; get but a form of words, that will do; learn the language of the honest Officers of the Army, and ingratiate your self with the Gentlemen in private, and tell them, Such a man is a gadly man, deriving the word from Gad, the brother of Many-asses, as some of them are; tell them, that such a man is honest in the main, &c. [Page 16] but be sure to arm your self with confidence, and a good portion of impudence, that will stand in great stead: and lest Mr. Marston should print you for a Bribe-taker, Broker, and Forger of hands, help him to a living, and stop his mouth. But make haste, for the Commissioners are but of humane institution, and down they will and must.
Thou hast told me of many undertakings: if such things should fall out again, how should I do by Conscience?
I am ashamed to hear you speak, a man of such a trade as you have; I'll tell thee, Harry, put a threepenny halter in thy pocket, and wherever thou meetest him, hang him: but put that edge-tool out of thy pocket again; for if the devil and a bad conscience meet together. they may do you a shrewd turn; but fear him soundly with a hot-iron, and then he will never trouble you until the hour of death; and when you finde your self begin to be sick, then hang your self. But further, there are a sort of very knowing mē who are of opinion, that there is nothing sin, but what a man apprehends to be sin; no day of judgement, unless a man apprehend that there is a day of judgement, and no hell hereafter: and get to be of Pythagoras opinion, (of which some are at this day) who held the transmigration of the Soul, that when it goes out of one body. it enters into another: get acquaintance with such persons, learn and believe these things; and then, when the Soul departs out of this body of yours, it enters into another, and there let it shift for it self as well as it can, we shall live happily in the mean season.
Secretary, I am a little proud of thy service, because thou hast served the State, and art now come to serve me; I do promise at the next Assizes thou shalt have the ends of all the halters, and peradventure a whole one may fall to thy share.
That's more then I desire.
But not much more then thou deservest.
Keep your halters, Masters for if all great Thieves should come to the Gallows, you may want halters afore your die, and one to bless your self.