1. APelles the Famous Painter, having drawn the Picture of Alexander the Great on Horseback, and presented it to him, he gave it not that Praise that so Exquisite a Piece deserved; where­upon Apelles desir'd a Living Horse might be brought, who seeing the Picture, fell to Pawing and Neigh­ing, taking it to be a real Rival; Up­on which Apelles ingeniously told that Great Emperour, That his Horse un­stood Painting better then He.

2. An Ignorant Countrey-man coming to Town, went to Covent-Garden, to a Gentleman to whom he was dire­cted; who out of civility to the Coun­trey man, shew'd him what was re­markable thereabouts, as the Piazza's, [...]nd several Persons of Qualities state­ly Houses: At length he came to the Church, and the Countrey-man poin­ing to it, asked the Gentleman whose House that was? He told him it was the Lord of Hosts: The Countrey­man having never heard of such a Lord before, reply'd, It was some Scotch Lord, he'd warrant him.

3. A Gentleman of Grays-Inn last last Winter, desir'd another of the same Inn to lend him Bakers Chronicle for an hour or two: He sent him word, That he could not spare it out of his Chamber, but if he pleas'd to come thither, he might use it all day there. Not long after, the other Gen­tleman desir'd him to lend him his Bellows: he sent him word, He could not spare them out of his Chamber but if he pleas'd to come thither he might use them all day long there.

4. A Mayor of a certain Corporation dining with the Aldermen his Bre­thren; after Dinner, to shew his Loy­alty, began his Majesties health on one Knee, and presented it to one of the Aldermen, whom he imagin'd to be no great Admirer of Health-Drinking; The Alderman took the Glass, and pledg'd him on both Knees; which the rest of his Brethren observing, the Loyal Mayor was not a little concern'd to be out-done (as he thought) by the Alderman, and ask'd him why he did it not as he had begun it, on one Knee? Why truly (says the Alderman) one Knee was in Honour of the King, and the other to ask God Forgiveness for so doing: What, (says the Mayor) for doing the King Honour? No (says he) not for that, but because I pledg'd a Health on that which I ought to pray on.

5. A Spaniard and a Frenchman meet­ing in Covent-Garden, after the usual Complements pass'd between them, fell to disputing about Religion; Why (quoth the Spaniard) will you contend with us about Religion? There are more Saints in Spain then, I have Hairs on [Page 4] my Beard: And there are more in France (said the Frenchman) then I have Hairs on my Head and Beard too. Then said the Spaniard, let the contest be thus decided, I will pull a Hair off your Beard, for every Saint I name; and you shall pluck one off mine, for every Saint you name: So the Frenchman began, and pull'd one off the Spani­ard's Beard, crying St. Dennis; then the Spaniard doing the like, said St. Ignace: The Frenchman pulling ano­ther, cry'd St. Martin; the Spaniard, St. Xavier; the Frenchman, St. Lovis; the Spaniard, St. Terese; the French­man, St. Clotilde; the Spaniard, St. Isidore; the Frenchman, St. Bun; the Spaniard pulling two at once, cry'd, St. Cosme and St. Phillip; the French­man resolving to be reveng'd, pluck'd off a whole Mustache, saying, The Eleven Thousand Virgins: Upon this, the Contest ended; the Spaniard not being able to endure or parallel so great a number.

6. A Countrey-fellow thatching a House, had an arch Boy to serve him with Straw; now there comes by a great Hog, and turns up his Head, [Page 5] as if he were listening; says the Thatch­er then to the Boy, What does that Hog think now? O (says the witty Rogue) I'll warrant you he's hatching of Mischief: And while he was busie at his work on the Ladder, the Boy hunted the Hog just towards it, and justling against it, down came the Ladder, and Man and all: Pox on you, says this Blockhead to the Hog, 'tis true as the honest Boy said, you were hatching of Mischief indeed; for I think my Shoulder's out; and if ever I thatch for any Body hereafter, I'll make my Bargain with them, that they shall all tye up their Hogs.

7. Two young Scholars travelling from Roan to Paris, met a Countrey fellow riding upon an Ass, which bray­ed in such a manner, as if he had been over-joy'd to be in such learned Com­pany: These Students thinking to put a trick on the Fellow, said, Friend, why do you let your Brother cry so? Can't you find out some way to still and quiet him? The Fellow, who was none of the dullest of the Parish that he dwelt in, answered, My Ass, Sirs, is soextreamly pleas'd to meet with his [Page 6] Relations and Old Acquaintance, that he cou'd do no less than sing a Song of mirth and merry glee, in testimony of your hearty Welcom to him.

8. One told a Gentleman, That he wou'd willingly marry, but he wou'd have a Wife that is perfectly good: To whom the Gentleman reply'd, That if none but such a one wou'd serve his turn, he must bespeak her, for there was no such ready made.

9. Two young Students were in a deep dispute about the Man in the Moon, whether he was a Gentleman or a Citizen; and after a great many Pro's and Con's between them, one of them very wittily solv'd it thus: When the Moon was at Full, then there was a Gen­tleman in her; but when she appear'd with two Horns, then he might swear there was a Cit in her.

10. Three Souldiers talking together, were over-heard by a Courtier to say thus: One said, Had he a Thousand Pounds, he should be happier then the King the other said, Were he a Captain under the King, he should be happier then [Page 7] he; the third said, That had he one Nights Lodging with the Queen, he should be the happiest man in the World. The Courtier related this to the King, and his Majesty (for Divertisement) sent for the three Souldiers the next day before him; and commanded them to tell him what they said the night before at such a time. The first, fearing the Kings Displeasure, said, That he had indeed rashly said, That if he had a thousand Pounds, he should be as happy as the King; so the King commanded a Thousand Pounds should be given him: The Second begg'd his Majesties Pardon for his bold say­ing, That had he a Captains Command under him, he should be as happy as he; then the King confer'd that honoura­ble Office upon him. Then the third fell upon his Knees, imploring his Ma­jesties Pardon, for that he had said, That if he lay one Night with the Queen, he should be the happiest man in the World. Well, said the King, that is not in my Power to grant; but if you can get her consent, you shall have mine: So he brought him before his Queen, and told his Petition; but the Queen, to shew that our desires ought to be pla­ced [Page 8] on suitable Objects, caus'd him to be soundly whipt.

11. A witty young Fellow was try'd for his Life, since his Majesties Restau­ration; and being cast, they told him he must be hang'd: But he pleaded in his own defence a long time; at last desir'd the Judge, That if he must be hang'd, he might be hang'd after the new way that Oliver was, three or four years after he was dead.

12. One that was advis'd to marry a Widow, reply'd, That they were too Politick a Generation for him; which he prov'd by Similies: Many Voyages (said he) make an expert Seaman, many Offices, a Crafty Knave; and many Marriages, a Cunning False Widow.

13. A Justice of Peace overtaking a Parson upon the Road, between Lon­don and Bow, told his Company that he would put a Trick upon him; and so coming up to him, said, Sir, You don't follow your Masters Rule, for he was content with an Ass, but you have a very fine Horse: The Parson reply'd, [Page 9] The Reason was, because the King had made so many Asses Justices, that a Clergy-man could not get one to Ride on.

14. A young Gentleman of the Temple, left a Note in the Keyhole of his Chamber-door, thus, I am gone to the Devil; but if you cannot Read, carry it to the Stationers at the Gate, and he will do it for you.

15. A Rich Man, in the Countrey, who was never thought to be one of Solo­mon's Off-spring, went with his Wife to see a Child of his at Nurse; when he came, he very wisely ask'd the Nurse whether she was a Maid or Married? she reply'd she was Married; says he, I'll have no Married Woman, I'll have a Maid to be my Child's Wet-Nurse: Truly Sir; says she, then you had best bespeak one at London, for we have no such ready made here in the Countrey.

16. A Valiant Fellow who had been in the West, was met by a Gentleman here, who ask'd him what Exploit he had done there? he answer'd, That he had cut off one of the Rebels Armes; the [Page 10] Gentleman reply'd, That it had been something if he had cut off his Head: O (said he) you must consider his Head was off before.

17. When Metellus Nepos ask'd the fa­mous Roman Orator, in a jearing way, who was his Father? he reply'd, Your Mother has made that Question harder for you to Answer.

18. A Rich Blade, that was a very great Eater, came to a Gentleman's House to Court his Daughter: the Gentleman out of Civility, desir'd him to stay and Dine with him, which he did, and Eat very heartily: after Dinner, he began to speak to the La­dy about the matter, and having ut­ter'd several Expressions of his Passion; he protested that he lov'd her as his own Soul; to whom she wittily re­ply'd, But not so well as your Body, Sir.

19. A Gentleman coming into London out of the Countrey, as he came by Stepny Church his Horse threw him, which a young Gentlewoman seeing, fell a Laughing: the Gentleman being angry that she jeer'd him, said, Pray­admire [Page 11] not at this, Madam; my Horse always stumbles when he sees a Whore. To which she answer'd merily, Have a care then, Sir; for if you ride into the City, you'll break your Neck.

20. A sharping Scholar of King's Colledg in Oxford, being in the Kitchin, and seeing the Cook take up a Plumb pud­ding out of the Pot, watching his op­portunity, while the Cook's back was turn'd; he whipt up the pudding into his own Chamber: which the Cook presently missing, runs up into the Scholars Chamber, and search'd all about for it, but could not find it; the Scholar swore it was not in his Chamber (though the Cook smelt it) for he had ingeniously hung it out of his Window, which when the Cook was gone, he pull'd in, and eat as ingeniously

21. One desiring a pretty Maid to go to a Gentleman and kiss him, Nay Sir (says she very wittily) I'le ne're go to Market for that Ware which I can have brought home to my Door.

22. At the Battel of Newport, the Prince [Page 12] of Orange having the Spanish Army be­fore him, and the Sea behind him, said to his Souldies, Gentlemen, if you have a mind to live, you must do one of these two things; either eat those Spaniards, or drink up this Sea.

23. A London Scrivner dying in Cam­bridg, a merry Fellow writ thus over him: Know all men by these pre­sents, That I that have bound so ma­ny, am now bound fast my self, by a Gentleman of an Ancient Family, whose Name's Mr. Death, who brought me my last Sheet, and to my last full point. And though I was never Guilty of any great Wickedness, yet I often made many a blot, which my Daughter Pen was the occasion of: I gave no bad Example to any, but good Copies to all: I was not unlearn'd neither, because I always dealt in good Letters, and was a Justice of Peace in my own dominions; and though I could not hang (except an Arse sometimes, when my own money was to be Paid) yet I cou'd draw: I made all Bond-men but my Apprenti­ces, for those I made Free: And af­ter I had finish'd all my Letters, this [Page 13] Mr. Death threw some dust upon 'em, and as I was making Bonds, assaulted me with Bills, and at last Seal'd the Letters of my Eyes quite up, and then sent me away to my long-home.

24. A Welsh-man that was condemn'd to be Hang'd just before he was to be turn'd off, the Hang man ask'd him if he had any thing to say; he answer'd he had a desire to speak with some of his Countrey-men, before he died (if there were any there) so the Hang­man call'd to know if there were any there he shou'd hold up his Hand. It so happened that there was one there, so the Hang-man told him that the poor man wou'd speak with him; so he drew near, and the Welsh-man ask'd him if he knew such and such in Wales, he replied he did; Then, says the Welsh-man, you know my Father and Mother, who I am certain will be very sorrry to hear of my misfortune; but pray, to comfort them, tell them that I dye a very good Christian, and am inform'd that I shall go to Heaven, and I hope they will follow me thither the same way.

25. When Charles the Bald was Empe­rour and King of France, one Johan­nes Erigena a Scots man, for his great Learning had the honour to sit at Ta­ble with the Emperour; but being ve­ry ungentiel in his behaviour, the Em­perour ask'd him, Quid interest inter Scotum & Sotum? Which in English is, What's the difference between a Scot, and a Sot? To which he readily, (but rudely) answer'd, Mensa; that is The Table: thereby calling the King Sot, by craft.

26. Another time this Johannes, who was but of little Stature, din'd at the King's Table, with two other Scholars who were tall men. The Emperor set him a Dish with two great Fishes and one small one, bidding him divide them between himself and the two Schollars; whereupon Johannes took the two large Fishes and laid them on his own Plate, and gave the small one to the two Scholars. The Emperor smiling, said, In faith Mr. Johannes you are no equal Divider: That's your Highnesses mistake (said he) and pointing to himself and the two great [Page 15] Fishes, said, Here are two great, and one little; and on the other side, is one little, and two great.

27. One going in the dark, held both his Arms out to save his face, and com­ing accidentally against the door, which it seems stood slanting out, he hit his Nose a good blow against it, Hey ho, says he, I never thought my Nose was longer then my Arms till now; but if ever I go in the Dark again, I'le have a Candle in my hand.

28. A noted Countrey Gentleman blaming a Comicall Poet for bringing a leud debauch'd Ruffian on the stage, and so gave bad example to young men, Truly, Sir, (said he) I brought such a man on, but I hang'd him before he went off, and so gave them a good example.

29. An Englishman and his Wife lodg­ing at a Frenchmans house in Paris, the Englishman's Wife cried out in the night; so he ran up stairs to acquaint the midwife who lay there, of his wives condition, and went down to inform his Lanlord and Lanlady of it; [Page 16] so he stood by their bed side shivering in his shirt, for it was in a cold winter night; but could not speak French, and so had much a do to make them under­stand him; at last he did: his Landla­dy pitying him, said to her husband, Prethee, my Dear, let him come into Bed to us, and lye till day light, seeing it is so cold, and that he cannot in Civility go into his own Chamber; you need not fear any thing since you are in Bed with me: so he consented to it, and the English­man came and lay down on the other side of the Woman; the Frenchman being tir'd soon fell fast asleep, the Englishman presently grew warm, and began to caress the French­woman; the motion of the bed, which was caus'd by their amorous engage­ment, wak'd her husband, he call'd out, Wife, Wife, what are you doing? Why what wou'd you have me do, said she, if I should speak to him, you know he can't understand a word of our Language.

30. A Countrey Gentleman being at Dinner in London, with several Gen­tlemen of his acquaintance, one of them whose Name was Chambers, thinking to [Page 17] put a Joque upon him, ask'd him why he wou'd not live in London in the Win­ter, where he might find all sorts of Company to fit his humour? I wou'd Sir, says he, if I cou'd find a House fit for my turn. Says Chambers, I can help you to one that has three Rooms of a Floor, but 'tis built of Wood. Where is it, says the Gentleman? Says he, at Tyburn: 'Tis true indeed, says the Gentleman, 'tis a convenient House, and stands in a good Air: for it will quickly Cure a Man of all Diseases, and for a House that is but one Story high, 'tis a very good one, and wants nothing in it but Chambers

31. An extravagant young Heir, having sold all his Lands to maintain his Debauchery, fell Sick and sent for a Physician; who perceiving that his Distemper arose from ill humours, contracted by his Intemperance, or­der'd him to be let Blood, and com­ing to see it, he told him it was very green. Alas Sir, says he, how can it be otherwise, when I have Eaten up all my Meadows and Corn-fields.

32. A Doctor of Divinity, that had [Page 18] a good Estate, and no Child, resolv'd to make himself memorable to posteri­ty, by some publick Charity; and so order'd a Caus-way to be made to a Market-Town, for the security of Travellers in the Fenny-Countrey. As the Labourers were at Work, the Doctor being there to oversee them, a Noble-Man came by, who had no great esteem for Men of his Coat, and said jearingly, Doctor, for all the Cost you have been at, I don't think this is the way to Heaven. I am of your mind (quoth the Doctor) for then I cou'd not have expected to meet your Lord­ship here.

33. A Quaker being in Bed with his Wife, in the middle of the Night she pull'd him, saying thus Awake, Eben­ezer, awake: What say'st thou the Wife of my Bosom, says he? Arise quickly, says she, and go into the next Room, and nigh unto the place that pays Tribute to Caesar, there standeth a Wicker-Chair, thereon hangeth my Red Petticoat; take from thence two Farthings, and go to our Friend Theophilus the Tallow Chandlor, and buy therewith two Candels; light one of them, and spring in hastily, for I [Page 19] fear our youngest Son Aminadab has B [...]sh [...]t himself

34. A Constable carrying a bigbelly'd wench before a Justice, said to him; An't please your Worship I have brought you a maid with Child: whereupon the wench call'd him Fool and Knave; being reprov'd by the Justice, she answer'd thus: Sir, this Constable must be one of them; for if I am a Maid, he is a Fool to think I can be with Child: and if I am not with Child, he is a Knave for saying so.

36. Two Gentlemen quarrelling, the one gave the other a Challenge to meet him at a Six a Clock the next morning at such a place upon his ho­nour: Hang Honour, says the other, for we both are but Worshipful; and you know 'tis not my custom, and I know 'tis not yours neither, to rise before Eleven or Twelve a Clock; therefore pray let us consid [...]r whether we shou'd break our Rest to break our Limbs. The other told him, If he did not meet him, he'd Post him: Well, said he to him, if you do, I'll ride Post out of Town, and stay there till your furie's over.

37. An Oxford Scholar going along Fleet-street, was met by a huffing Fop, who thrusting between the wall and him, jostl'd him almost to the Kennel, saying (with a no. Sir-Courtly-Face) I don't use to give the Wall to every Saw­cey Loggerhead: To whom the Scho­lar, with Cap in hand, replied smartly, But I do.

38. A Proper Tall Gentleman that had married a very little Woman to his Wife, being ask'd the reason of it, he replied, That of all Evils, it was al­ways the best to choose the least.

39. A Countrey man coming up to London, a little after the rebuilding of it, to see a Friend who made great Complaint of his own particular loss, as well as of the loss of so stately a City: As for your own loss, says the Countrey man, I am very sorry for it, but as for the Loss of your City, I can't tell what to say; for who wou'd be troubled to have a good new suit for an old one?

40. An Arch Wag speaking of the late dreadful Fire of London. said, Can­non-street. [Page 21] roar'd, Wood-street was burnt to Ashes, Bread-street was burnt to a Coal, Pie-corner was over-bak'd, and Snow-hill was melted down.

41. An old Gentleman was chid by a neighbour for marrying a young Girle; to whom he replied, She'll be a Woman to morrow; for, says he, Wives are young mens Mistresses, Mid­dle-ag'd mens Companions, and old mens Nurses; and will you blame a man to have a Nurse in his old Age? No, says he, I don't blame you for ha­ving a Nurse, but for your not Providing for Heaven; but that your Wife must do, for says he, Don't you know whither all Cuckolds go? O, says the old Gentleman, Now you put me in mind on't, 'tis true; for I have heard your Wife say some years ago, That she was sure her husband wou'd go to Heaven; and now I find which way; and mum for that, my dear neighbour too.

42. A Highway-man being to be hang'd in a Countrey Town, Order was sent to the Carpenter to make a Gallows; which he neglecting to do, the exe­cation [Page 22] was forc'd to be defer'd, for which the Judge was not a little angry, who sending for the Carpenter, ask'd him why he had not done it? Why Sir, said he, I have done two or three already, but was never paid for them; but had I known it had been for your Worship, I wou'd have left all other bu­siness to have done it.

43. One ask'd a Gentleman if he'd ven­ture any thing at the Lottery this Fair, and what he won, his Wife shou'd have for her fairing? No, says the Gentleman, for there's not one in forty has any luck but Cuckolds; which his sweet Wife hearing, said, Dear Hus­band, Pray venture, for I'm sure you'l have good luck.

44. A silly Fellow hearing a Lady's ser­vants call her Madam, at every word, he thought to be more mannerly then they, and therefore made an Addition of Mistress to it, saying, Mistress Madam, an't please your Ladiship.

45. One that had a confounded Scold to his Wife, being continually tormen­ted with the perpetual Clack of her [Page 23] Tongue, wish'd one day, That she was in Heaven; she knowing thereby that he had a mind to be rid of her, in a great rage told him, She had rather see him hang'd first.

46. A Lords Son in the North, that was much addicted to the Pleasures of Venus, haunted all the pretty Girls thereabouts, but especially one above the rest, that was a very handsome Maid, and a Farmers Daughter who was his Father's Tenant; which gave him the more liberty of Courting her; and having Importun'd her very much, yet she would not grant: At last he promis'd her Marriage, and thereby had the pleasure of Enjoyment: But his Father and Mother fearing that he would make up a Match with the Far­mers Daughter, by going so often thither, sent to another Lord that liv'd five Miles off, to Treat with him for his Daughter, who was a pretty Woman also, for his Son. So they soon agree'd, and the Marriage day was appointed, and the Young Blade was Riding with his Man to the Bride-House; but the Farmer and his Daugh­ter had way laid him. The Farmer [Page 24] ask'd him, What satisfaction he shou'd have for the wrong he had done his Daughter? Well, says he, There's forty Guinneys for you, and I'll give you a Bond, to make it up a hundred Pounds, to be paid in three Months, if you'll be contented. So the Bond was making under the Hedg, and the People at the Bride-House admiring at his stay, sent one to see; who when he came, found him Indenting with the Farmer and his Daughter under the Hedg. So when he had done, he Rid away to the Bride-House as fast as he could Gallop, and soon after was Married to the La­dy; and when they were abed toge­ther, he began to Kiss her: Pray, says she, resolve me one Question first: What made you under the Hedg with the Farmer & his Daughter so long? Why, says he, that does not concern you at all. Well, says she, I will know, or else you and I shall be at a distance: Why then, says he, if you won't be angry, I'll tell you. Well, I will not, says she, let it be what it will. Why then, says he, I got the Farmers Daughter with Child, and she was such a Fool to tell her Father of it. So she was by my Troth, says she, for my Fathers Man got me with Child above a [Page 25] Twelvemonth ago, and you are the first that ever I told of it.

47. An Ignorant Fellow, having got in to be Reader in a Countrey-Church; the first Chapter of Mathew being ap­pointed to be Read, which contains the Genealogy, and is full of hard Names: He began with Abraham be­gat Isaac, and so read on three or four more, till he was quite nonplus'd; but cafting his Eyes forward, And so, says he, they beg at one another to the end of the Chapter.

48. A Knight in Northampton-shire, that had three Sons, and no great Estate, told his youngest Son that he must needs bind him an Apprentice, and bid him chuse his Trade. The Boy being of a smart and ingenious temper, told his Father he'd be a Tanner. Push, says he, that's a nasty Trade: That's true, says he; but yet 'tis the most convenient Trade for me of any; because you have but a little to give me, and three Hides will set me up. What Hides are those, says his Fa­ther? Why Sir, Reply'd the Boy, Yours and my two Brothers.

49. An Impudent Fellow having several Indictments brought against him, the Judge seeing the Notoriousness of his Crimes, said, Sirrah, if you ben't Hang'd, I'll be Hang'd for you: To whom the Rogue Reply'd, I thank your Honour, for your kind Offer; pray be not cut of the way when that time comes.

50. A Gentleman of Lincoln's-Inn, hea­ring of the Death of his Father, in the Countrey, was not a little con­cern'd, as not knowing how he had left his Estate. An Intimate Friend of his seeing him, said, Chear up, Jack; if your Father has left you a good Estate, you have no great cause to grieve; and if he has given you nothing, who'd grieve for such a Father?

51. A Ranting Bully Drinking a Health to a Sober Man, he refus'd to Pledge him; upon which he wish'd this Curse might light upon him, That in a dark and cold Rainy Night, he were set upon a tir'd Jade, bare Ridg'd, in a dirty Lane, with a Pocky Whore behind him, and his own Bones rotten, and seven Miles from any House, not knowing one [Page 27] step of the way, and with never a Penny in his Purse, both Hungry and Thirsty. Hold Sir, says the Man, there's e­nough already: I thank you for your good wishes; but hope in a little time you'll enjoy 'em all your self.

52. An Arch Fellow in Oxford, took a great many Rams horns in his Basket, and went about the City with them, crying, Fair Cherries in Winter; this made many People call to him, and amongst the rest a Lawyer, who seeing his Ware, laught at him, say­ing, You fool, who do you think will buy your Horns of you? O Sir, repli­ed he, Though you are provided, yet I may meet with some that are not.

53. A Gentleman told his Cook that he would dine on a Venison Pasty, and so order'd him to provide one; which he did, with two or three other dishes preliminary to it. So when the din­ner was ready, he brought it up in or­der; the first dish was a good Surloin of Beef, which he set upon the Table before the Gentleman, which as soon as the Cooks back was turn'd, he took and threw out of the Window; then [Page 28] the Cook brought up the second Course, which was a Leg of Mutton and Colly-flowers, which he sent out of the Window after the other; then the Cook brought up the Venison Pa­sty, and threw it out of the Window, after the other two dishes; which his Master storming at him for, ask'd him the reason of it, says he, I thought your Worship intended to dine below, because you sent the dishes down.

54. Two Persons who had no great kindness for one another, were in­vited to dinner together with a Knight, who had a mind to be merry. Now they were both pretty witty; but one was slovenly, and the other spruce and neat: the spruce man was there first, and when the other came, he ran to the door to salute him and conduct him in, and thinking to make a Jest on his un­courtly habit, started back, saying, I thought to have met a worthy Doctor; but I doubt in his stead I accost a Butcher. The Doctor (who very well under­stood Repartee's) answer'd, Sir, I can't blame you for being surpriz'd, be­cause 'tis natural for horned Beasts to dread the Butcher: which to one mar­ried [Page 29] under Capricorn, was a very close Repartee.

55. One held a Paradox, that Wise men were the greatest Lyers,; for says he, the Proverb says, Children and Fools speak Truth.

56. A certain Person speaking unseemly words before a Gentlewoman, she ask'd him what Profession he was of? Madam, says he, I'm a Civil Lawyer. Alas, Sir, replied she then, If Civil Lawyers are such rude People, I wonder what other Lawyers are.

57. Socrates being ask'd why he suffered so much brawling from his Wife: says he, Why do you suffer so much kackling of your Hens? Because they lay Eggs, says he. And I from my Wife, reply'd So­crates, because she bears Children.

58. At a Market Town in Sommerset­shire there liv'd a Quaker that was a Barber, to whom the Parson of the Pa­rish came, demanding Fifteen Shillings of him for Tythe; The Quaker told him he ow'd him none, nor none wou'd he pay him: He told him 'twas his [Page 30] due, and if he wou'd not give it him by fair means, he'd make him do it by foul. The Quaker ask'd him for what it was due? he told him for Preaching and Reading Divine Service, and o­ther Ministerial Duties in the Church: Why, says the Quaker, I never came there: You might if you wou'd, says the Parson, the Door stands open. Soon after the Quaker hearing that he was suing him for the money, enters an Action also against the Parson for Fifteen Shillings: The Parson hearing of it, went and ask'd him how he came to owe him Fifteen Shillings? he told him for Trimming: Why, says the Parson, I was never Trim'd by you in my life: You might if you wou'd, says the Quaker, my Door stands open.

59. A Doctor of Physick in Oxford that us'd to salute every one he met, with these Words, I am very glad to see you well; A Student, a Gentleman of good quality, whom he so greeted, told him ingeniously, He believ'd he ly'd, for the World went ill with him when People were well.

60. One perswaded a man to hang his Dog that had done some mischief, I am loath to hang him, says he, but I'll go amongst his Neighbours and give him an ill-name, and that's as bad.

61. A French Captain having been a long time closely Besieg'd in a place where for four Months he Eat nothing but Horse-flesh; at length being re­liev'd, he repair'd to his former Mi­stress, thinking to enjoy the same dal­liances and caresses that he was former­ly bless'd with; But she having been inform'd how he [...]d far'd since his de­parture; Hold, says she, Monsieur; for though I have a mind to be gotten with Child, yet I'm resolv'd never to be gotten with Colt.

62. A covetous Tradesman had a mind to be married, but was afraid of the charge of having Children too fast; at last he resolv'd to be married, and a­greed with his Wife that they wou'd lie together but once a Fortnight; and, says he, I intend to get every Fortnight a Joynt of the Child from Head to Foor; so by that device we shall not [Page 32] have too many Children: But I do it, my Dear, to ease thee in the bearing of 'em, which you know would be no small trouble to you. After Marriage, it seems he lay with her the first night, and I can't tell how it came about, but at 40 weeks end she was brought to bed of a brave Boy. Why how now Wise? says he, this is not according to my expectation: Yes Husband, says she, but I may thank good Neigh­bours, or else for ought I know we might have had a Deform'd Child.

63. The King of Spain coming into one of his chief Cities, the Mayor came to make a speech, and began thus: When the King of Peace rode to Jerusalem; but being dash'd out of Countenance, he said again, When the King of Peace rode to Jerusalem; and so the third time, but cou'd not proceed: Then the King turning to his Courtiers, said, We may easily imagine this Man to be an Ass by the Consequent.

64. Mr. Philemon Holland having Tran­slated several Books, as Plutarch, Pli­ny, Livy, Cambden, &c. at length he Translated Suetonius Tranquillus in­to [Page 33] English; upon which, an ingenious Blade writ this Distich on him:

65. A Gentleman going into a Church in London, when they were chaunting Sternhold's and Hopkin's Psalms, which are not the most Melodious in the World, the Words were these, Have mercy upon us Miserable Sinners: Ay, (says he) thoy might as well have said, Have mercy upon us Miserable Singers.

66. Two Sparks standing together in the Cloysters, seeing a pretty Lady pass by, says one of them. There goes the handsomest Lady that ever I saw in my Life: She hearing him, turn'd back, and seeing him very ugly, said Sir, I wou'd I cou'd in way of Requital say as much of you: Faith, says he, so you may, and Lye as I did.

67.A Poor Man in Smithfield having a mind to Bind his Son to a Butcher; but being solicitous to get a Master of [Page 34] whom he might learn his Trade well, he ask'd his Friend, who was an Inge­nious Gentleman, and had great Ac­quaintance, to whom he shou'd Bind him? O, says he, there is a Physitian hard by you, Bind him to him; for he Kills more then all beside in the Town.

68. A Gallant, Dining at a Friends House, had promis'd a Lady to meet her in the Afternoon; but being en­gag'd after Dinner at Cards, cou'd not fairly get away; wherefore he call'd his Boy, and sent him to the La­dy to Excuse him; whispering him in the Ear, that what ever Answer the Lady return'd, he shou'd tell it him as if 'twere from a Man; that the Com­pany might not know. So the Boy went on his Errand, and a little after return'd to his Master, who ask'd him aloud before the Company, What was the Gentleman at home? Yes. Sir, an­swer'd the Boy: Well, what said he to you; He said, Sir, you might appoint any other time: What was he doing, says the Gentleman: He was putting on his Hood and Scarf, to go to Mass, says the Boy, which discover'd the Intreague, and set them all a Laugh­ing

69. A Woman asking her Husband for some Money to buy a broad Silver and Gold Lace, to put on her Petticoat, he replied thus to her, If I once make you a Gold-finch, you will prove a Wag tail all your life after.

70. One that was a great Eater, fitting down to Supper, complain'd that he had lost his Stomach. W [...]ll, says a merry Fellow that was there, If a Poor Man has found it, he'll be utterly undone.

71. A Bishop being inform'd by his Steward of the greatness of his Ex­pence, that it was over proportiona­ble to his Estate; and that particular­ly the number of his Servants was too great: the Bishop order'd him to draw up a Note, of such as were necessary, and such as were not; which being done, he Summoned all his Ser­vants together, and reading the Note, separated them; and then said, These I have need of, and therefore they must continue; those have need of me, and therefore they must continue also.

72. Just after the late Kings Restaurati­on, when going to Church came to be in fashion, an old Woman was advis'd by her Neighbours to go to Church; for fear of being Presented, she was resolv'd to go once a Month to save her Bacon: So Dressing her self very fine, she came into the Church just at the Expiration of the Letany, and the Parson having said, Lord have Mercy upon us, and then the People Respon­ding thereunto; she Cry'd out aloud, I never was here before in my Life, and since you make such a Wonder ment at it, I'll never come again.

73. Two Gentlemen walking in Cheap­side, in Oliver's time, saw the Sign of the Golden-Cross; One of them pro­fer'd to lay two Bottles of Wine with the other, that he wou'd make the Master of the Shop pull down the Sign: The Wager being laid, he pulls off his Hat, and makes half a dozen Leggs to the Sign, first on one side, and then on t'other, which the Master of the Shop seeing, thinking to prevent his future superstition, suddenly pull'd down his Sign, whereby the Gentle­man [Page 73] won his two Bottles of Wine.

74. A Minister finding his Parishoners to be Ignorant, was reolved to Exa­mine and Instruct them at home; so going to an Ancient Womans house, amongst other Questions, he ask'd her how many Commandments there were? She told him she could not tell: He told her there were Ten: Whereat she reply'd, A Jolly Company! God Bless you and them both together: Well, but Neighbour (says he) Do you think you can keep these Commandments? Ah! God Bless you, Sir, (said she) I am a Poor Woman, and can hardly keep my self, I hope you will not put me to the Charge of keeping any of the Command­ments for you.

75. Going to another of them, he ask'd her, who made her? She Replyed, She did not know: A Child standing by, he ask'd him the same Question, who Answer'd, GOD; whereupon the Parson Reproving the old Woman, told her it was a shame that she should be so Ignorant, who had liv'd to those Years, and that little Child could tell Marry, quoth she, I am an old Wo­man [Page 38] and have been made a great while, and he was made but t' other day; he may well tell who made him.

75. A Quaker went to sell a Horse in Smithfield, a Chapman who look'd on the Horse, complain'd of his Head; Quoth the Quaker, He that made that Head, won't learn of thee t [...] make Heads. Why Friend, says the other, may I not speak of thy Horses faults if I see them? Nay, said he for he sees none in th [...]e, why should'st thou see any in him. The Man was so taken with the bluntness of the Quaker, that he bought his Horse; which, as he had told him be­fore, was stark blind.

76. Two Gentlemen Riding on the Road, espied at a distance an old wo­man a doing her necessary occasion, by a Hedg side; one of them offered a Bottle of Wine, that she wou'd turn and see what she had done; they a­greed on the Wager, and she accor­dingly did. Well, says the Loser, I'll ask her why she did so when I come to her; then Riding up to her, Well, good Woman, said he, I see you have been Evacuating your self; Do you so? [Page 39] quoth she, you see no more with your Eyes, then you may carry away in your Mouth. But pray Mris. said the Gen­tleman, what made you look back on it, when you had done? To see if there were enough for you Both, Sirs, reply'd she.

77. A young Esquire, who had more Money then Wit, Traveling into Spain to a University, where a Man might be made a Doctor for Money, had a mind to take his Degrees; so for his better Reception, he invited the Doctor of the Chair to Supper, where being a little flush'd with the ex­pectation of his new Honour, he ask'd the Doctor if he wou'd take Money to make his Horse a Doctor too? Yes, says he, I may make a Horse a Doctor, as well as an Ass; and so by consiquence your Horse as well as your self.

78. An Impertinent Fellow told a Gen­tleman, that he was mad for doing a thing with less Judgment then he ought to have done, and that he ought to be sent to Bedlam to be cur'd of Frenzie; and went on at that rate, till the Gen­tleman wittily answer'd, That he ad­mir'd [Page 40] as much, why (as in every Com­monwealth there was provided a Bedlam for Madmen) there was never any place allotted for Fools.

79. A merry Archer coming into the Market on a Market day, neck'd an Arrow as if he intended to Shoot, and said with a loud Voice, Now have at a Cuckold. A woman thinking he aim'd that way, and her Husband being by her, cries out, Stand away Husband, stand away Husband: Why you silly Jade ( says he) I am no Cuckold, am I? No, no, (quoth she) but who knows how a consounded Arrow may glance?

80. A Farmer in Essex, who for his Means was made a Knight, and his Wife thereby growing very Gallant and Fine; a Jocose Gentleman told his Worship, That he did not do well, in spoiling a Good Wife, to make a Mad-Dame.

81. A merry Gentleman seeing a great Dish of Broth brought to the Table, with a little Chop of Mutton in the middle of it, began hastily to unbut­ton his Dublet; one asking him the [Page 41] meaning of it; I mean (says he) to swim through this Sea of Pottage, to that Island of Mutton.

82. A merry Fellow Riding with his Master, he desir'd to ask him a Que­stion; his Master knowing him to be a jocose witty Rogue, gave him leave: Why then, Sir, said he, you see a Horse and an Ass yonder feeding toge­ther; now suppose you were forc'd to be a Beast, which of those two wou'd you he? You Fool, said the Master, I wou'd be a Horse, as being the nobler and more generous Creature: I'm of another Opinion, said the Man, for I wou'd be an Ass: His Master being pleas'd with the humour, ask'd his reason? Why, said he, I have often seen an Ass Ride the Great Horse, strus briskly before his Company, be made a Justice, have the honour of Knighthood confer'd on him, and often Elected Mayor of a Corporation; but I never knew a Horse capable of any of these Prefer­ments.

83. An ignorant Countrey Fellow com­ing along Paternoster-Row, had occasi­on to change a Half-Crown into small [Page 42] money, and looking over a Grate which which stood on the Stall, there sat a large Monkey, whom he pray'd to change his money; the Monkey took it, and put it into the Till of the Comp­ter, where he had observ'd money to be put, and then came and Grinn'd at the man; who being in a passion, made a noise at the Door, whereat the man of the Shop coming into the Shop, ask'd him what was the matter? Sir, said he, I gave your Son half a Crown to change, and he will not give it me again, but Laughs at me, and will not give me one word of answer, tho I have asked him for it many a time.

84. Two Friends meeting, one being o­ver joy'd to see the other, Hark you Sir, said he, Between you and I, my Wife's with Child. Faith, cry'd the other, you're a liar, for I have not seen her this twelve Months.

85. Two Persons who had been former­ly acquainted, but had not seen each other a great while, meeting on the Road, one as'kd the other how he did? he told him, He was very well, and was Married since he saw him: the o­ther replyd, That was well indeed: Not [Page 43] so well neither, said he, for I have Married a Shrew. That's ill, said the other. Not so ill neither, said he, for I had 2000 Pounds with her. That's well again, said his Friend. Not so well neither, for I laid it out in Sheep, and they died of the Rot. That was ill indeed, said the other. Not so ill neither, said he, for I sold the Skins for more money then the Sheep cost. That was well indeed, quoth his Friend. Not so well neither, said he, for I laid out my money in a House and it was burn'd. That's very ill, said the other. Not so ill neither, said he, for my Wife was burn'd in it.

86. One that had been very much vex'd in Law-suits, went to Tyburn one day to see the Execution, and vow'd, That 'twas better to have to do with Tyburn, then Westminster-Hall; for there Suits hang half a year, but at Tyburn half an hour's hanging ends all.

87. A young Countrey Esquire, who you must think never read Cook upon Lit­tleton, &c. had a mind to borrow some money privately, for which he was to give a Bond, and hearing it run, [Page 44] Be it known unto all men; Hey boys! says he, if all men must know it, then I'm sure it will come to my Fathers Ear; therefore I'll have no such Bond drawn.

88. A Handsom young Widow having lately Buried an old grave Husband, call'd Old Symon, had been so us'd to a Bed-fellow, that she cou'd not sleep without one; but cou'd endure the thoughts of none but her dear Hus­band; wherefore she order'd a Carver to make her Husbands Statue as near as he cou'd; which every Night (be­ing well warm'd) had a Shirt and Night-Cap put, on, and was laid by her in Remembrance of her Husband, that she might, at least, embrace him in Effigie. This trade had lasted ever since her Husband's Death, and she wou'd not admit the Courtship of any Suiter; till at last a young Gentleman who was inflam'd with no small passion for her, had by the help of his Wit, and some good Angels, prevail'd with her Maid to lay him one Night in the place of Old Symon: So the Widow came to bed to him, and casting her hand over her dear Statue (as she thought) she felt a more agreeable [Page 45] warmth then usual; nay, she fancied 'twas alive and had motion; She was not frighted at it (which is not a little wonderful) but by degrees crept closer and closer to her Side-mate, till at length they were lock'd in Mutual Em­braces; by which she with pleasure found that it was not her Wooden Bed­fellow. In the Morning the Maid call'd at the Chamber-door, as she us'd to do; Madam, what will you please to have for Dinner to Day? She reply'd, Rost the Goose and the two Pheasants that were brought in Yesterday, Boyl a Leg of Mutton and Colly-flowers, and and get a good Dish of Tarts and Cu­stards, and a Dish of good dry'd Fruit. Madam, says the Maid, I think we have hardly Billets enough for a quick fire. You may burn Old Symon (says she) burn Old Symon.

89. A young Buxom Maid, that was newly Married to an old Man (by her covetous Father for money) was very melancholy; which a merry Fellow seeing, to comfort her, said, Be of good Chear, my pretty dear Rogue, for an old Horse will perform as good a Journey as a young one: She Smirking and Sighing [Page 46] said, withal stroaking down her Belly, But not in this Road, Sir.

90. A Gentleman that was a Lawyer, coming up to London, to the Term, met a plain Countrey-man, and after the usual Complement, of well met, &c. says the Gentleman, Pray Friend an­swer me this Question, Which are the greatest wonders in the World? To which, after a little consideration, he dryly Replyed, Women's and Lawyer's Tongues; for, says he, they always lye, yet never lie still.

91. A Gentleman Riding on the Road, overtook a young brisk Countrey Lass, who after some time Travelling toge­ther, consented to his Amours; the man being conscious of what he had done, and how Prejudicial it might prove to the Maid; told her, if any thing came of their Endeavours, she should hear of him at a certain place in London: 'Tis no matter Sir, said she, I am to be Married on Monday.

92. An old Woman in Southwark hea­ring that Pontius Pilate was very civil in his Office, took an occasion to com­mend [Page 47] him to the Parson, whom she had heard speak of him: Prethee, Woman said he, who was this Ponti­us Pilate, whom thou talk'st of? Quoth she, How should I know? I never was acquainted with any such kind of People. The Parson reprov'd her for her Ignorance, and bid her consider and enquire against such time she saw him again: She being very in­dustrious in the matter, made the Dis­covery, and the next time she saw the Parson, she told him that she had found him out, and it was the little Oatmeal Man that came about with the white Horse; the Parson being amaz'd at so strange an Imagination of the Wo­mans, she cry'd out, What's the matter, Sir? I believe you don't know him your self; but your Maid does, for I saw her buy a Pennyworth of Oatmeal of him, but two days ago.

93. Another ignorant old Woman in the Countrey hearing a Minister Preach on the Passion of Christ, of the Cruel and Barbar [...]us Death that the Jews put him to, wept grievously; and when the Minister had done, she came to him, and ask'd him how long [Page 48] it was since this sad thing was done? The Minister told her it was sixteen-hundred Years since: O then, says the Woman, being a little revi­ved, if it be so long ago, I hope in God it mayn't be true.

94. A brisk young Woman, going to her Husbands Funeral, a Gentleman comes and whispers her in the Ear, profering his Service in way of Court­ship: She thank'd him very kindly, but told him, He came too late; for, says she, I was Yesterday made sure to another.

95. A Citizen Travelling into the Coun­trey, came into a very good Inn, where the Master of the House was Complai­sant to him, showing all his conveni­encies; which were so far beyond the common Inns, that he told him, It was a House for a Nobleman; at which the Inn-keeper fell into a great passion, calling him Raskal, and abusive Fellow. The Gentleman not being pleas'd with his Entertainment, went to the next House in the same Town; where telling his Host the business, he in­form'd him, That the Man had lately [Page 49] Broke, and Paid but a Noble in the Pound of his Debts, which had Enabled him to Build that spacious House.

96. An Amorous Gentleman in Paris, Playing under his Mistrisses Window with a Lute, she commanded her Ser­vants to throw stones at him, which he took in good part, and esteem'd as a great Grace, fancying himself like Orpheus; saying, The Stones danc'd af­ter his Musick.

97. A Wine-Cooper in Mark-Lane ta­king a Gentleman down into his Cel­lar to Treat him, he finding no Seat there for him to sit on, ask'd him the reason of it: Why, says the Wine-Coo­per, I will have no Man here Drink lon­ger then he can stand.

98. A Citizen of London had for a long time been Jealous of his Wife, mistru­sting her Chastity, but had no real proof of it; till at length he resolving to have an Ocular Demonstration, pre­tends to go into the Countrey, but re­turns the same Night; and coming in­to the House, looks through the Door into his Wives Chamber, and sees a [Page 50] brisk Spark Caressing her in an Amo­rous manner. Having thus satisfied his curiosity, he retires, resolving to discipline her the next day; so he comes to her, and after some little dis­course, taxes her with the last Nights Recreation. She denies it, and he af­firms it, telling her that he saw it with his own Eyes; to which she wittily and simperingly said, What my Dear! Won't you believe your own dear Wife, before your own Eyes?

99. Two young Fellows observing a Countrey man go up into the Monu­ment, went up after him, and when they came to the top, they bound him, and pickt his Pocket; which as soon as ever they had done, they hear'd some body coming up; so being put to their shifts, and in some danger of discovery, they made haste down, and meeting a Man, they told him, There was a pleasant Scene acting at top, be­tween a young Maid and her Sweet­heart; so the Man believing them, and being a merry Fellow, went down with them; saying, That if he could make no sport, he was resolv'd to spoil none; and so by this witty Stratagem the [Page 51] Rogues escap'd with the money, and the poor Countrey-man was left to be reliev'd by the next comer.

100. An old Baud being brought before a Justice of Peace, in London, for kee­ping a Baudy-House, and being ac­cus'd by several Witnesses, and upon probable Grounds, the Justice said in a Passion to her, You Old Hag, you do keep a Debauch'd House, and I will maintain it: whereupon the old Jade dropt him a Cour'sy, saying, I most humbly thank your Worship, I desire no better Warrant.

101. A Tinker coming through Cornhill, and sounding briskly on his Kettle, Have you any Work for a Tinker? A Grocer that thought to put a Jest upon him (there being a Pillory near his Door) bid him stop those two Holes, pointing to the Pillory; to whom the Tinker smartly reply'd, Sir, if you will lend me your Head and Ears, I will find a Hammer and Nails, and give you my Work into the bargain.

102. A modest Gentlewoman being forc'd by her Mother to accuse her Husband of Defect, she desir'd the Judge, being in Court, that she might Write her mind for Modesties sake. So the Judge granted her request, and order'd Ink and Paper to be given her; so she took the Pen without dip­ing it into the Ink, and made as if she wou'd Write; says one of the Counsellers to her, Madam, there's no Ink in your Pen. Truly Sir, says she, that's just my Case, and therefore I need not Explain my self any further.

103. Queen Elizabeth coming into a School in London, and seeing a very part Boy, ask'd him how often he had been Whipt? To whom he Ingeni­onsly answer'd in the words of Aeneas to Queen Dido, ‘Infandum Regina jubes renovare do­lorem.’ For which she gave him a Reward.

104. Another time the Queen coming into Westminster-School, had some Verses made to her Extempore, by a [...]oor Boy; and being pleas'd with his [Page 53] quickness, she bid him make some Verses upon this, Pauper ubique jacet, which he did presently as follows:

For which the Queen took special notice of him, and gave him great preferment afterwards.

105. A Gentleman being in Mourning for his Father, was Riding out with some fine Ladies, who seeing his Horse have a Velvet Saddle, and Embroi­der'd Cloath, ask'd him why that was not black too? O, says the Gentle­man, my Horses Father is not dead yet.

106. A Countrey Farmer coming up to London, had a Token to deliver to his Landlord's Son, a young Gentleman of the Temple: when he came to his Chamber, he found a Note in the Key-hole, written, I am gone to the De­vil; whereupon the poor Farmer fell into a great fright, having the saddest apprehensions imaginable. Alas▪ said he, that ever my Landlord shou'd [Page 54] send his Son to this wicked place; a fine young Gentleman that has cost his Father many a fair Pound to bring him up to Learning, and that ever he shou'd come to this Ungodly Town, in two or three Months time to go to the Devil; I dare not carry this sad evil Tydings to his Father: And as he was making these sad Lamentati­ons, a young Student camp up and told him, that the Note only meant the Devil-Tavern hard by, and that he believ'd he might find him there. So he went thither, and found the Gentleman, and presented his Father's Token, and then told him the Extra­ordinary trouble he was in, upon Reading the Note. At which the Gentleman Laugh'd heartily, and gave the Farmer such an Entertain­ment, that when he came down into the Countrey, he told his Friends, That he never far'd better in his Life, then he did at the Devil; which put them all into no small Astonishment.

107. A Scholar of Oxford, having wore out the Heels of his Boots, brought them in his hands to a Cobler, and shewing him them, said, O thou curi­ous [Page 55] Artificer, that hast by no small pains and study, arriv'd to the perfection of that exquisite Art of reparing the defects of old decayed Calcuments, affix me two Semicircles to my Suppeditors: The Cobler star'd upon him, as if he wou'd have look'd him through; but a lit­tle recovering himself, said, Before George, Sir, I understand not your hard Language; but if I put on two Heel­pieces, I'll have a Groat for them.

108. The same Scholar being ask'd by a Porter for a Gentlemans Chamber in the Colledg, he directed him thus, You must crncifie the Quadrangle, and as­cend the Grades, and you will find him perambulating in his Cubicle, near the Fenester. Pray Sir, says the Porter, what is that Fenester? It is, replies the Scholar, the Diaphanous part of an Edifice, erected for the Introduction of Illumination; which so amaz'd the Porter, that at first he did not know what to think, till recovering himself, he went and enquir'd of another, who gave him plainer directions, in more intelligible terms.

109. An old Usurer dying, left a good Estate to his Son, who was more la­vish in the spending of it, then his Fa­ther had been careful in scraping it up: As this young Spark was Riding in his Coach to Epsome, he was angry whith his Coachman, for not driving faster, calling to him, saying, You Dog, if you don't make more haste, I'll come and Kick you to the Devil: Sir, re­ply'd the Coachman, I swear if you do, I'll there t [...]ll your Father how Extra­vagantly you have spent his Estate.

110. A Gentleman living in the Coun­trey, having some urgent business at London, and his Lady at the same time being ready to Lye-in, leaves order with his Servant, a Welshman, that when his Lady was Delivered, if it were a Son, he should come to London, and acquaint him, promising him for his paines a new Suit of Cloaths; the Lady was in a short time after Deli­vered of a Daughter; however Jack (unwilling to lose his Suit of Cloaths) goes to London and acquaints his Ma­ster that his Lady was brought to Bed of a brave young Son; the Gentle­man [Page 57] being over-joy'd at the News, perform'd his Promise, and Jack be­ing well accoutred, returns to his Mi­stress: and in a short time after, the Gentleman returns; and meeting his Wife, wisheth her much Joy of her Son; but she alleadging it was a Daugh­ter, and he finding himself abused, orders Jack to be sent for; who when he came, still continued in his former saying, that it was a Son; whereup­on the Child was produced, and shown to the whole Company; Jack still avers it to be a Son; why thou Fool, quoth the Nurse, if it were a Son it should have a Cock here Cots­plut, quoth the Welshman, is hur in haste? Would hur have a Cock there already? Let hur keep hur till hur is sixteen or seventeen years old, and if hur have no Cock then, Hang hur.

111. A brisk young Lady, seeing the Sheriff of a County, who was a come­ly young Man, wait upon the Judge, who was an old Man, was ask'd by one, which she had most mind to, the Judge, or the Sheriff? She answer'd, The Sheriff. He asking the reason, she [Page 58] replied, That she lov'd Judgment well, but Execution much better.

112. Some Soldiers in the Camp being very Lowsy, complain'd to their Cap­tain, who being a Jocose man, bid them turn their Shirts and shake them, telling them that the Lice wou'd have a days March at least, before they cou'd come to their Skin.

113. A Handsom Countrey Maid coming to Croyden Market, and being very nimble, leap'd off her Horse, but the Pummel of her Saddle being high, catcht hold of her Petticoat, & shew'd almost all that Nature gave her; which a Gentleman standing by and seeing, said, Sweetheart, you have a very clear Skin, To whom she answer'd briskly, Sir, if you like it so well, why did not you come and Kiss it, to take your leave on't, for you are not ever like to see it again?

114. Two Scots-men meeting about Din­ner-time, one ask'd the other to lend him Six-pence; by my Troth, quoth he, I have but a Groat; Prethy mon, said he, lend me that, and I will trust you for the other Twa-pence.

115. A young Woman having Married a great Student, who was so intent on his Studies, that she thought her self too little regarded by him, and one day when they were at Dinner with some Friends, she wish'd her self a Book, that she might have more of her Husbands Company; If it must be so, says her Husband, I wish thou wer't an Almanack, that I might change thee for a new one once a Year.

116. A Gentleman alighting out of his Coach at White-Hall, ask'd a Foot-man that stood there, what a Clock it was: Sir, says the Footman, what will you give me? Why, replied the Gentle­man, must I give you any thing to tell me that? Yes Sir, said he, for we Courtiers do nothing without money.

117. Two Gentleman discoursing over a Glass of Wi [...]e, of the Affairs of En­gland, and of the several Classes of men therein; One of them wittily said, That in it there were neither Scho­lars enough, Gentlemen enough, nor Jews enough. I can but admire at your opi­nion in that, says the other Gentleman; [Page 60] for methinks, there are rather too ma­ny of those sorts, then too few: To which he replied, If there were Scholars enough, so many wou'd not be double or treble benefic'd; If Gentlemen enough, so many Peasants wou'd not be reckoned a­mongst the Gentry; And if Jews enough, so many Christians wou'd never profess Ʋsury.

118. A Conceited Scholar, that was late­ly come from Oxford, Drinking with two or three Gentlemen at the Mitre-Tavern in the Poultrey, was very brisk and airy, and wou'd needs be forming of Sylogisms, &c. One wise one was this, He bid them fill two Glasses of Wine, which they did: Now, says he, I will prove those two Glasses to be three, thus, Is not here one, says he? Yes, says the Gentleman. And here another, that's two, says he: Yes, says the Gentleman again. Why then, says he, one and two is three, so 'tis done. Very well, says the Gentleman, I'll have one Glass, and that Gentleman shall have the other, and you shall have the third for your pains in finding it out.

119. One who had layn with his Female Servant, the next day ask'd her how many Commandments there were? She answer'd nine: Thou Fool, quoth he, hast thou liv'd to this Age, and knowest no better? There are ten. I I know, said she, very well, there were ten Yesterday; but you and I broke one of them the last Night, so that there are but nine of them left.

120. A witty, though unfortunate Fellow, having tried several Trades, and fail'd in them all, at last took an Ale-house, and set up the Sign of the Shirt; Wri­ting under it, This is my last Shift; which witty Device, brought him much Company and Profit.

121. A Gentleman that had never been us'd to Wounds, receiv'd a small Scratch with a Sword in a Tavern-Frav; at which he was sadly frighted, and sent immediately for a Chirurge­on, who coming, and seeing the Wound but slight, and the Gentleman in a great fear; for Sport's sake pretended great danger, and therefore sends his Man with great speed to fetch him [Page 62] such a Plaister: Why Sir, quoth the Gentleman, is the Wound so dangerous? O Yes, reply'd the Arch Chyrurgeon, for if he don't make great haste, it will heal of it self.

122. A Woman in the Countrey that had Ten Children, told her Husband that Nine of them were his, and no more; now he mistrusting the Parson of the Parish had been sweet upon her, said, Well, Wife, I'll keep the Nine, but I never deny'd the Clergy their due, and so will not begin now; for the Parson shall have the Tenth for his Tythe, it being rightly due to him.

123. A Countrey man coming through Cheapside with Hob-nails in his Shoes, and treading in a slippery place, his Heels flew up; which a Citizen taking notice of in his Shop, said to the Fel­low, How now, Friend? You see our Ci­ty stones are so proud, they scorn to let a Countrey-Clown tread on them▪ Hah! says the Countrey man, as proud as they are, I made them kiss my Arse.

124. A Welshman that was condemn'd to be hang'd, had the benefit of the Cler­gy [Page 63] granted to him, and so was burnt in the Hand; which when it was doing, they bid him say, God bless the King: Nay, says he, God bless hur Father and Mother; for if they had not taught hur to read, hur might have been hang'd for all the King.

125. A huffing Young Blade coming to Epsom, call'd an honest plain Countrey­man that was there to hold his Horse: Can one hold him, says he; Yes, yes, says the Gallant: Then you may do it your self, says the Countrey man, and so went away.

126. A Countrey man that was very ig­norant, coming to the Arch-Bishops House with his Rent, the Arch-Bishop coming through the Hall, ask'd who 'twas? An't please your Worships Ho­nour, says the Countrey man, I am come to pay you your Rent; so the Arch-Bishop went out; and the Servants told him, he must say, An't please your Grace; But the Arch-Bishop coming in again, he was at, An't please your Worship's Honour: they told him he must say Grace; Must I so? says he; then putting his Hat before his Eyes, he said, The Eyes of all things, &c.

127. A Gentleman reproving his Friend that was a married man, for getting a maid with Child, saying, He admir'd that such a man as he wou'd defile his Bed so: You mistake, Sir, says he, there was no defiling of my Bed in th [...] Case, for I did it in the Fields.

128. A conceited Fellow, that had an ex­traordinary good opinion of himself, ask'd his Friend what others thought of him? Why, says his Friend, The Wise think you foolish, and Fools think you wise; Now pray what think you of your self.

129. Two Gentlemen that had been a great while at Law together, and had spent a great deal of Money at it, one of the Gentlemens Friends told him, That his Antagonist had remov'd his Suit into Chancery; Let him remove it into H [...]ll, says he, I don't question but to get a Lawyer to follow it for money.

130. An English Merchant at Lisbon in Spain, sold some Jews five hundred pounds worth of Gloves; but they falling off from their Bargain, would [Page 65] have but half of them: Well, said the Merchant, you must give me some time to sort them, and then you shall have half; so he order'd his Man to put all the Right-handed Gloves in one par­cel, and the left-handed ones in ano­ther. Then when the Jews came, he bid them take their choice; which when they had done, and were pack­ing of them up, they perceiv'd them to be all for one hand; and so were glad to take the other parcel at the Merchants own rate.

131. One standing in the Pillory at the Exchange, and his Wife being by him to bear him Company, a Gentleman that saw him, said, He believ'd he was a Papist, because he had his Cross with him.

132. Another man hearing a Parson Preach on that Text, Take up your Cross and follow Me; took his Wife on his Back the next Sunday, and came into the middle of the Church, while the Parson was preaching, and looking up to him, said, Now Sir, I have brought my Cross, what must I do with it? The Minister being a little surpriz'd [Page 66] at the humour of the Fellow, hardly knew what to say to him, but at last he bid him set it down there: Yes, that I will; says he, with all my heart, though it were in the middle of the Sea: But I see, says he, as well as you pretend to love the Cross, mine may lie upon my hands this forty Years, before you'll ease me of it.

133. A Gentleman ask'd one of the Fe­male Sex, Whether she was Maid, Wife, or Widow; and bid her tell him truly: She being a little put to it, after some consideration upon this hard question, and being above twenty years old, an­swered him thus, Though I was never married, Sir, yet you may write me down Young Woman.

134. King Henry the Eighth, going once to Gravesend, took Will. Summers his Jester with him for his diversion; the Wind being very high, it was very tempestuous; and Summers being ve­ry fearful, thought himself in great danger, and said to the King, Harry, Harry, I had rather be thy Fool by Land, than thy Companion by Water: At which the King laugh'd heartily.

135. A Nobleman having a mind to be merry, sent for his Chapl [...]in, and told him, That unless he could resolve him these Three Questions, he should be discarded, and turn'd out of his Service; but if he cou'd, he shou'd have Thirty Guinneys, and the best Horse in his Stable: So he propos'd the Questions to him, which were these; First, What compass the World was about? Secondly, How deep the Sea was? And Thirdly, What he thought? The Poor Chaplain was in a peck of Troubles, and did not know how to answer them, or what to say, think­ing them very unreasonable Questi­ons; so that all he could do was to desire a little time to consider upon them, which the Earl granted. So he going along the Fields one day very melancholy, a Cobler of the Town, a merry Fellow (who was very like the Chaplain, both in Physiognomy and Stature) met him, and ask'd him the reason of his Sadness; which with some Reluctancy he told him: O Sir, says the Cobler, don't be dejected, chear up; I've thought of a device to save your Place, and get you the Mo­ney [Page 68] and Horse too; but you shall give me Ten Guinneys for my pains. So he agreed to't; and it was thus: Says he, I'll put on your Cloaths, and go to my Lord, and answer his Questi­ons. Accordingly he went, and when he came before him, he answer'd him thus: To the first Question, What Compass the World was about? He an­swer'd, It was four and twenty hours Journey; and if a man could keep pace with the Sun he might easily go it in that time. To the second, How deep the Sea was? He answer'd, Only a stones throw; for cast it into the deepest place [...]f it, and in time it will come to the bot­tom. To the third, (which I fancy your Lordship thinks the most difficult to be Resolv'd, but is indeed the easi­est) which is, What your Lordship thinks? I answer, That you think I am your Chaplain, when as indeed I am but the Cobler of Gloucester. The Noble­man was so pleas'd with his witty An­swers, that he perform'd his Promise to his Chaplain, and gave the Cobler Ten Guinneys for his Ingenuity.

136. Says a Glazier to a Painter, I see you do all under a Colour. Get you gone, you [Page 69] Rogue, reply'd the Painter, you're al­ways picking of Quarrels.

137. A Certain King kept a Fool in his Court, that us'd to write down in a Book, all the Follies of the great Men in the Court; which Book the King sometimes, when he was dispos'd to be Merry, wou'd look into. Now one day after Dinner, the King read­ing of the Book, found himself in it, with a Story of five-thousand Pounds, which he gave a Jew in his Court, to go to Barbary and buy Horses with: So the King ask'd his Jester, why he put him in? Why, says he, for giving your Money to one that you may never see again: But says the King, What if he should return and bring the Horses, what Folly is it then? Why, if he do's, replied the Fool, I'll blot out your Name, and put in his, for a Fool, for not keeping your Money when he had it.

138. Two Women scolding in the Street, another of their Acquaintance came by, whom they wou'd refer their Ca­ses to; No, says the Woman, pray Excuse me, I won't meddle in it, but will stand Neuter: How can that be, says [Page 70] one of them, when you have been com­mon to all the Town?

139. Doctor Fuller, overtook one Mr. Woodcock upon the Road, falling into Discourse in a facetious manner, ask'd him what difference there was between a Woodcock and an Owl, (suppo­sing Mr. Woodcock had not known him) He wittily replied, That an Owl was Fuller in the Head, Fuller in the Face, Fuller in the Eyes, Fuller in the Neck, and Fuller all over.

140. A Scholar meeting a Countreyman upon the Road, Rid up very briskly to him; but the Countreyman out of Respect to him, was turning off his Horse to give him the Road, when the Schollar laying his Hand upon his Sword, said, 'Tis well you gave me the Way, or I'd—What wou'd you have done? said the Countreyman, holding up his Club at him: Given it you Sir, says he, pulling off his Hat to him.

141. One Reading in the Famous Histo­ry of the seven Champions, how St. George kill'd the Dragon, and sav'd Sabra the fair Maid of Egypt, said, [Page 71] He admir'd how Men cou'd invent such Lies; for, says he, I believe there never was any such Dragon, or such a Man as St. George. O, says another, I can believe that, better than that there was a Maid.

142. A Tallow-Chandler dying, a mer­ry Fellow said, He wonder'd, that he that had made so many Weeks, cou'd make his Life no longer.

143. A Lusty young Man, in Somer set­shire, after he had been Married about four Months, grew very Lean and Fee­ble, so that he cou'd hardly crawl a­long; He one day seeing a Butcher run over a Plough'd Field after a Mad-Bull, ask'd him the reason of it) Why, says the Butcher, it is to Tame him: O, says the Fellow, Let him be Mar­ried, let him be Married; if that don't Tame him, I'll be hang'd.

144. A Soldier, a merry. Fellow, finding a Louse on his Sleeve, walking to take the Air, took him up by the Back, and said, I swear, if I catch you again out of your Quarters, you shall be Hang'd; and so put him into the Collar of his Doublet.

145. A certain Highway-man having committed a Robbery in Devon-shire, was taken in Dorset-shire, making to­wards London, and brought before a Justice of Peace, who wou'd not med­dle with him, but wou'd send him back into the Shire where he committed the Robbery; which a witty Coun­trey man hearing (that had been at the trouble of taking him, and was unwil­ling to Guard him back into the other County) desir'd leave to ask the Ju­stice one Question, which he granted: Why then, says the Man, I desire your Worship to tell me, if a Man be taken abed with your Wife to Night, whether he must be sent thither again the next Night?

146. A Gentleman order'd a Crane for Supper; but his Cook having a Sweet­heart in a longing condition, cut off a Leg and sent her; so the One-Legg'd Crane was set on the Table, which the Gentleman seeing, was enrag'd at his Cook; but he being an arch Wag, readily told the Gentleman, that Cranes had but one Leg; and avow'd it with that confidence, that he gain'd upon his wise Masters belief; but he [Page 73] resolving to observe it as he was walk­ing in the Fields one Frosty-Morning, he saw a flock of Cranes, and sending for his Cook, they held up one of their Legs under their Wings, as is the cu­stom of those birds in the cool wea­ther; So, says his Cook, I hope your Worship is satisfied that they have but one Leg; but the Gentleman going pretty near to them, cries Cush, and frighted them up, whereupon both legs ap­pear'd; Look, says the Gentleman, they have now two Legs: Oh, says the Cook, if you had cried Cush to that in the Dish, it wou'd have had two Legs too.

147. A Gentleman losing his Watch, Complain'd to his Friend of his loss; Alas, Sir, says he, all the World can't help it, Time will away.

148. A Bully meeting a brisk Lady in St. James's Park, with her naked Breasts appearing very tempting, says to her, Madam, is that Flesh to be sold? No, replied she, no money shall buy it: Then, says he, Madam, if you won't sell your Ware, I'd wish you to shut up your Shop: Faith, Sir, says she, you may be sure I'll never let you come within my [Page 74] Doors: 'Tis no matter, Madam, replied he, for I am sure they are wicked ones.

149. A Person of Quality in the Coun­trey, keeping a Baboon at his Door with a handsom fine Coat on; a Coun­trey Fellow brought a Letter and gave it to the Baboon, who tore it to pieces; and the Lord happening to come out, saw him do it; at which he was angry with the Fellow, and ask'd him why he deliver'd it not to him himself? Why, says the Fellow, I gave it to your Son, and he tore it: You Fool, says he, 'tis a Baboon: Indeed, says the Fellow, I thought it was your Son, he is so like you.

150. A Woman having a mind to oblige her Husband, desir'd him to invite some of his Friends to Dinner, and they wou'd be merry, for, says she, I have provided a curious Leg of Mut­ton for you: I thank you my Dear, says he, you are always very free of your Flesh to me, and every body else that has any Appetite to it.

151. Some Scholars having a spight a­gainst their Master, because of his Harshness to them, resolv'd to play [Page 75] him some trick; so knowing him to be a very curious neat Man, they dau­bed the Rails of the Stairs with a Sr. R—Now the Master coming down in the dark, laid his Hands in it, which set him into a terrible feu'd; so he called all the Scholars, and took them into strict Examination; but suspecting one above the rest, he was very sharp upon him, urging him to confess it, telling him he did it; the Boy utterly denied it; but the Master was the more pressing upon him: In­deed, said the Lad, with all the Asse­verations imaginable, I did it not, but if you please, I'll tell you who had a hand in it: Hereupon the Master thought to have found out the Truth, and so very eagerly ask'd him who? Your Worship, Sir, says he: Whereupon he was dismiss'd, with the applause of all his Fellows, for his Ingenuity.

152. A Merry Fellow in a great Storm at Sea, when all were at Prayers, Eat heartily on Salt-Beef; and being ask'd his reason, answer'd, He should Drink more that day, then ever he did in his life.

153. John Taylor the Water Poet, being aboard the Ship, call'd, The Hector, was so Treated with Punch by the Cap­tain, that it was easily perceiv'd by the Seamen, who began to play upon him; whereupon John in a Poetical rage, in­vok'd the Patron of the Ship thus,

154. A Certain Knave asking a virtuous Gentlewoman, Jearingly, What was ho­nesty? She answer'd What's that to you? Meddle with those things that concern you.

155. A Young Man in London being caught abed with his Mistress, was se­verely reprimanded by his Uncle, who set before him the example of Joseph: Oh, says he, If Joseph's Mistress had been as handsome as mine, I doubt not but he wou'd have done as I did.

156. A Gentleman that had many Chil­dren, was saying one day to his Friend, that his Wife was more Fertile then his Land. I'll give you a good reason [Page 77] for that, says his Friend, for if you are weary and won't take pains to make her so, others will.

157. A Witty Fellow going a long Pater­noster-Row in a dark Winter night, saw a Lanthorn hang out with a Can­dle in it, which he had a mind to, to light him home; but as [...] [...]ad clim'd up to it, and was just goi [...] to unty it, the Maid of the House saw him, and ask'd what he meddled with the Lan­thorn for? I beg your Pardon, says he, Sweet-heart, I only went to snuff the Can­dle, that I might see to go along.

158. Two Gentlemen riding from Barnet to London, met a Miller riding softly on his Sacks; and they being merrily dispos'd, had a mind to abuse the Mil­ler; so one went on one side of him, and the other on the other, and having Rid so a little way with him, they pray'd him to resolve them one Que­stion, Whether, says they, art thou more Knave or Fool? Truly, replied the Mil­ler, I don't know which I am most, but I think I am between both.

159. Mr. Randolph, the Great Wit of Cambridg, coming to London, had a mind to see Ben-Johnson, who was Drinking at the Devil-Tavern with Mr. Drayton, Mr. Daniel, and Mr. Sil­vester, three famous Poets of that Age; he being loth to intrude into their Company, and yet desiring to be call'd in, peep'd in at the door several times, till at last Mr. Johnson perceiving him, said, Come in, John Bopeep; which he did: and when the Reckoning came to be Paid, which was Five Shillings, t [...]ey agree'd among themselves that he that made the best Extempory Verses, should be excus'd from paying any thing, and the other four should pay it all, so every one made his Verses, and when it came to Mr. Randolph's turn, he made these:

160. Ben-Johnson and Silvester being very merry one day at the above-nam'd Tavern, began to Rhime upon one another; so Silvester began thus:

To whom Ben-Johnson answer'd:

That, says Silvester, Is no Rhyme; but, Faith, 'tis true though, says Ben-John­son.

161. Mr. Noy the Attorney General making a Venison Feast in a Tavern, where Ben Johnson and some of his Companions were Drinking, and he having a mind to some of the Venison, wrote these Verses, and sent them to Mr. Noy:

For the ingenuity of which, Mr. Noy sent him a good corner of a Pasty, and half a Dozen Bottles of Sack to wash it down.

162. At another time, Ben-Johnson in­tending to go through the half-Moon-Tavern [Page 80] in Aldersgate-street, was deni­ed entrance, the door being shut: up­on which he made these Verses,

And so he went to the Sun-Tavern at Long-Lane end, forsaking the Half-Moon, for this affront.

163. A Fool being very sick and like to dye, on that went to see him, went to comfort him, bidding him chear up, for if you dye, says he, Four proper Fellows shall carry you to Church: Ay but, quoth he, I had rather by half go thither my self.

164. A Courtier importuning Queen Elizabeth, for a certain place that was vacant, the Queen told him, He was not fit for it. An't please your Majesty, says he, I can get one to Officiate for me: Very likely, says the Queen, and I can put in one of my Maids, that can do so too.

165. A Tutor in Oxford, reading a Le­cture to his Scholars about the Virtues in moral Philosophy, gave them this general Rule to know Vertues from Vices, That Virtues consisted in the Middle, but Vices were Extreams. The next day he bid his Scholars give an Example of the fore-going Rule; so one of them, being a sharp Lad, in­stanc'd in Virginity. Why Sirrah, says the Tutor, who told you that Virginity was a Vertue? You did, Sir, replied the Lad, for you told us, that all Virtues consisted in the Middle, and so does Vir­ginity.

166. Says a Tall Man, going along with a little Man, The People won't gaze so much at a Pigmy, because I'm in your Company. Yes, says the little Man, they will gaze the more upon me, to see me have an Ass in my Company, and not Ride.

197. A Lawyer meeting a Countrey Fel­low driving his Cart, ask'd him mer­rily, why his Fore-ho [...]re was so Fat, and the other so Lean? Why, says the Fellow, my Fore-horse is a Lawyer, [Page 82] and the rest are his Clients; for which witty answer, the Lawyer gave him a Shilling to Drink.

168. A Countrey-man coming up to London, having never been there be­fore, star'd into a Scriv'ners Shop; the Scriv'ner standing at the Door, ask'd him what he wou'd buy? What do you sell, says the Countrey-man? Why Logger-heads, says the Scrivner, will you buy one? Yes, says he, but I see you have such a good Trade, that you have no Choice, having but one left in your Shop.

169. One said, That no Man had greater confidence in their Countrey, then Thieves, for they put themselves upon it, though they are Hang'd for their paims.

170. One told his Wife, that there was a Law making, That all Cuckolds should be drown'd: O pray, my Dear Husband, says she, then learn to Swim.

171. A Blunt Rustical Fellow, having been netled with a Jest that one put upon him, resolv'd one way or other to be even with him; therefore having a [Page 83] good Cane in his Hand, he laid him over the Pate with it saying, Every Man has his Talent; you can break Jests, and I can break Heads.

172. Some Thieves coming to Rob a Gentlemans House before he was a­sleep, he call'd out of the Window, and bid them stay but one hour, and by that time he should be asleep; which frighted them so, that they ran away faster then they came thither.

173. A Gentleman having his Pocket pickt whilst he was at Prayers at Church, complain'd to his Friend of it; why says his Friend, If you had VVatch'd as well as Pray'd, you would not have lost your Money.

174. A Constable taking a pretty Wench late at Night, brought her before a Justice, who seeing her handsom and gentilely Drest, was very favourable to her, winking at her fault in being out so late, and bid the Constable take her home to his House that Night. Yes, that I will with all my heart, says the Constable, if your VVorship will be pleas'd to commit my VVife till the Morn­ing.

175. Two young Oxford Scholars agree­ing together to go into an Adjacent Warren to steal some Rabets; one be­ing to watch, and not to speak one word, and the other to catch them: So they being come to the place, he that watch'd, cried out, Ecce Cuniculi multi; which noise frighted all the Ra­bets into their Burrows; whereupon the other was very angry with him; Why, says he, who thought that Rabets under­stood Latin?

176. A Lady receiving a Letter from a Foppish Gentleman, taken verbatim out of Cassander, which he had read, she sent it him back again, bidding the Messenger tell him, That he was mistaken, for though the Letter was di­rected to her, it was written to Madam Roxana.

177. A Gentleman borrowed five Pounds of his Friend, and lost it at Play; thereupon he sent to borrow five Pounds more, by the Token that he ow'd him five Pounds already: Pray, said his Friend, bid your Master send me the Token, and I'll send him the five Pounds.

178. A Wench that was got with Child, sent her Friend to the Father of it, to tell him that she was quick; he repli­ed, If she be quick, I'll be as nimble, and so run away.

179. One seeing Doctor Mathews, that was a very Learned man, but little of Stature, pass by, said, There goes mini­mus Apostolorum; which the Doctor hearing, merrily replied, That Ma­thew was Maximus Evangelistarum.

180. A Gentleman standing in a brown Study, a Lady ask'd him, What he was thinking of? He said, Of nothing: What do you think on, says the Lady, when you think on nothing? Faith, says he, Then I think on you, and the incon­stancy of your Sex.

181. The Lord Bacon going the Northern Circuit, a Fellow that was try'd for his Robbing, was very importunate with the Judge to be favourable to him, tel­ling him that he was a Kin to his Lord­ship: Why, how so, said the Judge? Why, answer'd the Fellow, An't please your Lordship, your Name is Bacon, and [Page 86] my Name is Hog, and those two are alike. 'Tis true, said the Judge; but you and I can't be Kindred till you are Hang'd, for Hog is never good Bacon till 'tis Hang'd.

182. King James Riding a Hunting in Essex, comes to a Gate which he must go through, and seeing a Countrey-Clown at it, he says to him, Prethee good Fellow open the Gate? But he knowing who it was, answer'd, No, an't please your Grace, I am not wortby to be in that Office; but I'll run and fetch Mr. Johnson, who is a Justice of Peace, and lives a Mile off, and he shall open it for your Grace; and so he run away as fast as he could, and left the King to open it himself.

183. When the Turks were Besieging Vi­enna, a Gentleman being to be sent to the Grand Vizier, upon some impor­tant Affair, desir'd to be excus'd; for, says he, I'm affraid, because he is so faithless and treacherous, that he'll take my Head off: If he does, says the Governour, I'll take a Thousand of his Mens Heads off. I, Sir, replied the Gentleman, but I question whether any of them will fit my Shoulders.

184. A young Lad being chid by his Un­cle, for lying a Bed so long in a Mor­ning, telling him that such a one had found a Purse of Money by rising early in the Morning; I, says the Lad smart­ly, but he rose too early that lost it.

185. A merry Gentleman, in the begin­ning of the late Civil Wars, being ask'd, if he should dye, how he would be buried? Answered, With his Face downwards: For, says he, in a little time England will be turn'd up side down, and then I shall lie right.

186. A man being brought before the Duke of Millan, for falling down from a House (which he was Tiling) upon a poor man that was going by, and bruising him very much: Look you, Friend, says the Duke to the Man that was hurt, I'm for the Law of Retaliati­on; You shall go up to the top of the House where he was, and he shall go along just where you did; and so you shall fall upon him, and bruise him, as much as he did you: Which unexpected piece of Ju­stice, put an end to the mans Prosecu­tion.

187. A Farmers Daughter in the Coun­trey bringing up her Fathers Cows near the House to be Milk'd, they all run away from her down a dirty Lane; upon which the Girl cry'd out, O Mo­ther, the Cows are run down the Lane to the Devil; shall I go after them? No, Child, says her Mother, let your Father go, for he has high Shoon.

188. A Tallow-Chandler having some Candles stole, complain'd to his Friend: O, says he, be patient, for I'm confident in a short Time they'll all come to light.

189. An Oxford Scholar coming up to London, went into a House of Iniquity in Covent-Garden, which had the Flow­er-de-luce to its Sign, where he got a Clap: whereupon he writ these Ver­ses over the door at his going away:

190. One asking a Painter how he cou'd draw such curious Pictures, and yet get such ugly Children? He answer'd, Be­cause he drew the Pictures in the day, but got his Children in the night.

191. Another asking why men sooner gave to Poor People than to Scholars? was answer'd, Because they think they may sooner come to be Poor, than Scho­lars.

192. A Player Riding along Fleetstreet in great haste, a Gentleman of the Tem­ple stop'd him, and ask'd what Play was to be acted that night? The Player was not a little vex'd at him, for hinde­ring him on such a slight occasion; however recovering himself, he told him he might see that on every Post: I beg your Pardon, said the Gentleman, indeed I took you for a Post, you rid so fast.

193. Two Gentlemen being drinking to­gether, one of them prest the other to drink more then he could well bear, and therefore he refus'd it, desiring to be excus'd; but the other being pret­ty [Page 90] well dipt, swore he shou'd take t'o­ther Glass, or else he'd run him thro'. No, says he you shan't, I'll save you that labour, for I'll run my self through, and Pledge you afterwards; saying so, he run through the door down stairs, and left the Spark to pay the Reckon­ing.

194. Sir Thomas Moor being surveying of St. Pauls Church, as he was walking on the Leads of it, there happened to be a Madman there, who seeing some Jack daws flying about the Church, catch'd up Sir Thomas (being a little man) in his Arms, saying, Now Sir, we will fly down as those Birds do; and so was going to throw him over; but he cry'd out to him, saying, Hold Friend, let us go down, and fly up to them, which stopt the Madmans hand.

195. A Woman coming to a Parson, de­sir'd him to preach a Funeral Sermon on her Son that was lately dead; the Parson promised her to do it; but she desiring to know the Price of his Ser­mon, he told her it was Twenty Shil­lings: Twenty Shillings! says she; An Ass spoke for an Angel, and won't [Page 91] you speak under Twenty Shillings? The Parson being a little netled at her, told her she was better Fed then Taught: Sir, says she, 'tis very true; for my Husband feeds me, and You teach me.

196. A Countrey Gentleman riding a­long Cheap-side, his Horse stumbled and threw him in the Dirt; so he got a fellow to hold him, and went into the next Shop; the Mistress of which being a pleasant Woman, smiling, (seeing he had no hurt) ask'd him if his Horse us'd to serve him so? Yes Madam, says he, When he comes just against a Cuckold's door. Then in truth, replied she ingeniously, You are like to have twenty falls, before you get to the Exchange.

197. A Gentleman riding to Epsom, overtook a hadsome Countrey Wench jogging along easily upon a Poor dull Mare; the Gentleman being mer­rily dispos'd, ask'd her how she did? and told her, if she pleas'd he'd occu­py her. O Sir, says she, what good will that do me? Why, says he, 'twill make you brave and brisk; Pray then Sir, says she, Occupy my Mare, for she's very dull.

198. An Elder Brother told his younger Brother, that that White Camlet Cloak he had on, became him ex­traordinary well: Faith Brother, says he, but a black mourning Cloak for you, wou'd become me a great deal better.

199. A Great Swearer being subpoena'd to give his Oath upon a Trial, they brought him a Book to swear on: Faith, says he to the Clark, You may save your self that Labour, for there is no Oath but I can Swear it without Book.

200. A Scolding Woman us'd to abuse her husband, who was pretty softly, and call him Cuckold Twenty times a day, which a silly Fellow hearing, said, He wondred the Husband was such a fool to let his Wife know that he was a Cuc­kold.

201. A Drunken Countrey Fellow whose name was Will. Johnson, driving his Cart between Cambridge and Sturbridg, fell fast asleep in it; and in the mean time his two Horses were stole out of it: he awaking said, Either I am Will. Johnson, or I am not Will Johnson: if I [Page 93] am Will. Johnson, then I have lost my two Horses: if I am not Will. Johnson, then I have found a Cart.

202. A Gentleman discoursing of his Travels, was interrupted by a Lady in the Company, that said She had tra­vell'd further then he: Say you so, Ma­dam? says the Gentleman, Then We as Travellers, may lye together with Autho­rity.

203. One that had been married but a Week, call'd her Husband Cuckold: which her Mother hearing, reprov'd her; You slut, says she, do you call your Husband Cuckold already? And I have been married this twenty years to your Father, and never durst tell him of it.

304. A Countrey Man going along Lime­street, saw a rope with a handle to it hang out of the door; now he not knowing what was the meaning of it, went and play'd with it; and pulling it a little hard, the Merchant being in the Compting-house, came out to the door, and ask'd the Countreyman what he wou'd have? He answer'd, Nothing but he pull'd the string, and the Bell [Page 94] rang: the Merchant seeing him so simple, ask'd him what Countrey man he was? I am an Essex-man, an't please you, says he: Ay, says the Merchant, I have heard that in Essex a man can't beat the hedg, but out comes a Calf: True, says he, And I see that in London a man can't ring a Bell, but out comes a Cuckold.

205. A Drunken debauch'd Dyer, com­plaining to his Friend that was a so­ber man, that whatever he took in hand to dye, came to some mischance or other: O, says his Friend, The way to succeed in your business, is to amend your Life; for a man that does not live well, can never dye well.

206. A Fidler boasting what a chaste Wife he had: says a Gentleman, I'll lay my House against thy Fiddle, that if I have opportunity, I'll get her con­sent to lie with her: the Wager was laid, and he had the Fidlers consent to try; but the Fidler went in the mean time, and sung this Song under the Window:

To which his Wife answer'd:

207. A Facetious Gentleman discoursing with a Witty Lady, who was speak­ing of the Weakness of her Sex, and the vast advantage that men had above them: Hold, Madam, said he; I beg your Pardon, if I dissent from you in this commonly-receiv'd-point; for it is no difficult thing to prove that your Sex is now a days stronger then ours; for Samp­son, the strongest man, carried only the Gates of the City upon his Shoulders; but now every little Lady of your Sex car­ries a Tower upon her Fore-head. To which she wittily and briskly replied, Certainly, Sir, you have a very strong Head, to carry so many Windmils up and down in it.

208. One that had weak Eyes, being jear'd by a man that had clear Eyes; he told him, They were not so dim, but he could [Page 96] see a Fool: It may be so, says the o­ther, but you must look in a Glass then.

209. A Schoolmaster examining his Boys, and asking them several Rules for Pearsing, espied one to have a dirty face and hands, and ask'd him by what Rule it was that he was dirty; the Boy readily answer'd, By deme Lavo Lavi.

210. One telling his Friend that he saw a Man and his Wife Fighting: Why did not you part 'em, says he? Part 'em! says the Gentleman, I have been better bred, then to part Man and Wife.

211. Some Gentlemen coming into a Ta­vern whose Sign was the Moon, (where for a Fancy they sold nothing but Cla­ret, for which they were very noted, and had great Custom) call'd for a Bottle of Sack: Whereupon the Draw­er told him they had none: At which, they not a little admiring, as not knowing the humour, ask'd the Draw­er the reason, who told them, The Man in the Moon drinks Clarret. The Fancy of which pleas'd them so, that they said they were resolv'd to be [Page 97] sociable; and so call'd for each Man his Bottle, to drink their Brothers Health in the Moon.

212. One being ask'd what he was that had a fine Wit in Jest? Answer'd, A Fool in Earnest.

213. One gave a Fellow a Box o'th' Ear, upon which the Fellow whom he strook gave him another: What do you mean, said he that gave the first Box? I did not lend you a Box, I freely gave it you: No matter, says the other, I am a Gamester, and am always us'd to pay the Box.

214. Says a Gentleman to his Friend, Methinks a Player, has the idlest Em­ployment of any: No, reply'd he, you are mistaken, for he is always in Action.

215. A Gentleman was us'd to say of a Drunkard, That it signified not much what he said in his Cups, for he seldom spake any thing that he could stand to, tho made by Indentures.

216. One seeing a Book that was but one sheet of Paper, said, A Man need not libel it, for it did Penance in a sheet already.

217. One Tom. Love, University Capper in Cambridge, ringing in one of the Belfreys, the Clapper of the Bell fell upon his Head, and almost kill'd him. An arch young Student seeing his Mis­chance, and thinking the wound Mor­tal, writ over against the place where he fell, these folloing Verses.

But Tom. Love recovering, and see­ing these Verses, under-writ thus: