The ordinary a comedy / written by William Cartvvright ...

Author: Cartwright, William, 1611-1643.1651

THE ORDINARY, A Comedy, Written by WILLIAM CARTVVRIGHT, M. A. Ch. Ch. Oxon.

LONDON, Printed for Humphrey Moseley, and are to be sold at his shop at the Sign of the Princes Armes in St PAVLS Churchyard. 1651.

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The PROLOGUE.'TWould wrong our Author to bespeake your Eares;
Your Persons he adores, but Judgement feares:
For where you please but to dislike, he shall
Be Atheist thought, that worships not his Fall.
Next to not marking, 'tis his hope that you
Who can so ably judge, can pardon too.
His Conversation will not yet supply
Follies enough to make a 
Comedy;
He cannot write by th' Poll; nor Act we here
Scenes, which perhaps you should see 
liv'd elsewhere;
No guilty line traduceth any; all
We now present is but conjecturall;
'Tis a meere ghesse: Those then will be too blame,
Who make that 
Person, which he meant but 
Name.
That web of Manners which the Stage requires,
That masse of Humors which Poetique Fires
Take in, and boyle, and purge, and try, and then
With sublimated follies cheat those men
That first did vent them, are not yet his Art,
But as drown'd Islands, or the World's fifth Part
Lye undiscover'd; and he only knows
Enough to make himselfe ridiculous.
Think then, if here you find nought can delight,
He hath not yet seen 
Vice enough to 
Write.

[Page]

Dramatis Personae.

Complices in the Ordinary.
- Heare-say—An Intelligencer.
- Slicer—A Lieutenant.
- Meanewell, Littleworth disguiz'd, a decay'd Knights Son.
Shape—A Cheater.
Sir Tho. Bitefigg—A covetous Knight
Simon Credulous—A Citizen.
Andrew—his Son, Suter to M ^rs Jane.
Robert Moth—An Antiquary.
Gamesters.
- Caster.
- Have-at-all.—
Clubbers at the Ordinary.
- Rimewell—A Poet.
- Bag-shot.—A decay'd Clerke.
- Sir Christopher—A Curate.
- Vicar Catchmey.—A Cathedrall Singingman.
M ^rs Jane—Daughter to Sir Thomas.
Priscilla—Her Maid.
Joane Pot-lucke—A Vintners Widow.
Shopkeeper.
Chirurgeon.
Officers.
Servants.

The Scene, LONDON.

[Page]

ACT. I. SCEN. I.

Hearesay, Slicer, Shape, Meanewell.

Hear.

WE're made my Boys, we're made; me thinks I am

Growing into a thing that will be worship'd.

Slic.

I shall sleep one day in my Chaine, and Skarlet

At Spittle-Sermon.

Shap.

Were not my wit such

I'd put out monies of being Maior.

But O this braine of mine! that's it that will

Barre me the City Honour.

Hear.

We're cry'd up

O'th' sudden for the sole Tutors of the Age.

Shap.

Esteem'd discreet, sage, trainers up of youth.

Hear.

Our house becomes a place of Visit now.

Slic.

In my poore judgement 'tis as good my Lady

Should venture to commit her eldest sonne

To us, as to the Inns of Court: hee'l be

Undone here only with lesse Ceremony.

Hear.

[Page 2]

Speak for our credit my brave man of War.

What Meane-well, why so lumpish?

Mean.

Pray y' be quiet.

Hear.

Thou look'st as if thou plott'st the calling in

O'th' Declaration, or th' Abolishing

O'th' Common-Prayers; cheare up; say something for us.

Mean.

Pray vexe me not.

Slic.

These foolish puling sighs

Are good for nothing, but to endanger Buttons.

Take heart of grace man.

Mean.

Fie y'are troublesome.

Hear.

Nay fare you well then Sir.

[Ex. Hea. Sli. Sha.

Mean.

My Father still

Runs in my mind, meets all my thoughts, and doth

Mingle himselfe in all my Cogitations,

Thus to see eager villaines drag along

Him, unto whom they crouch'd; to see him hal'd,

That ne'r knew what compulsion was, but when

His vertues did incite him to good deeds,

And keep my sword dry—O unequall Nature!

Why was I made so patient as to view,

And not so strong as to redeeme? why should I

Dare to behold, and yet not dare to rescue?

Had I been destitute of weapons, yet

Arm'd with the only name of Son, I might

Have outdone wonder. Naked Piety

Dares more than Fury well-appointed▪ Bloud

Being never better sacrific'd, than when

It flowes to him that gave it. But alas,

The envy of my Fortune did allow

That only, which she could not take away,

Compassion; that which was not in those savage,

And knowing Beasts; those Engines of the Law,

The even kill as uncontroul'd, as that.

How doe I grieve, when I consider from

[Page 3] What hands he suffer'd! hands that doe excuse

Th' indulgent Prison; shackles being here

A kind of Rescue. Young man tis not well

To see thy aged Father thus confin'd,

Good, good old man; alas thou 'rt dead to me,

Dead to the world, and only living to

That which is more than death, thy misery:

The Grave could be a comfort: And shall I—

O would this Soule of mine—But Death's the wish

Of him that feares; hee's lazie that would dye.

I'le live and see that thing of wealth, that worme

Bred out of splendid mucke; that Citizen

Like his owne sully'd Wares throwne by into

Some unregarded corner, and my Piety

Shall be as famous as his Avarice;

His Son whom we have in our Tuition

Shall be the Subject of my good Revenge;

I'le count my selfe no child, till I have done

Something thats worth that name: my Braine shall be

Busie in his undoing; and I will

Plot ruine with Religion; his disgrace

Shall be my Zeales contrivement; and when this

Shall stile me Son againe, I hope 'twill be

Counted not wrong, but Duty. When that time

Shall give my Actions growth, I will cast off

This brood of Vipers: and will shew that I

Doe hate the Poyson, which I meanet' apply.

Exit.

ACT. I. SCEN. II.

M ^rs Potlucke

Pot.

NOw help good Heaven! 'tis such an uncouth thing

To be a widow out of Term-time—I

Doe feele such aguish Qualmes, and dumps and fits,

[Page 4] And shakings still an end—I lately was

A wife I do confesse, but yet I had

No husband: he (alas) was dead to me

Even when he liv'd unto the world; I was

A widdow whiles he breath'd; his death did only

Make others know so much. But yet—

[Enter Hear.

Hear.

How now?

So melancholy sweet?

Pot.

How could I choose

Being thou wert not here? the time is come,

Thou'lt be as good unto me as thy word?

Hear.

Nay, hang me if I er'e recant. You'l take me

Both wind and limb at th' venture, will you not?

Pot.

Ay good Chuck, every inch of thee, she were

No true woman that would not.

Hear.

I must tell you

One thing, and yet I'm loth.

Pot.

I am thy Rib,

Thou must keep nothing from thy Rib, good Chuck;

Thy yoak-fellow must know all thy secrets.

Hear.

Why then I'l tell you sweet.

[He whispers her

Pot.

Heaven defend!

Hear.

'Tis true.

Pot.

Now God forbid; and would you offer

T' undoe a widdow-woman so? I had

As leive the old Vintner were alive againe.

Hear.

I was not born with it I confesse; but lying

In Turky for Intelligence, the great Turk,

Somewhat suspicious of me, lest I might

Entice some o'th' Seraglio, did command

I should be forthwith cut.

Pot.

A heathen deed

It was: none but an Infidel could have

The heart to do it.

Hear.

Now you know the worst

[Page 5] That you must trust to, come lets to the Church.

Pot.

Good Mr Hear-say, Nature ne'r intended

One woman should be joyned to another.

The holy blessing of all wedlock was

T'encrease and multiply, as Mr Christopher

Did well observe last Sabbath. Ile not do

Any thing 'gainst Gods word. I do release you

Of all your promises, and that it may not

Be said you lost by loving me, take this.

Perhaps I may get you a contribution

O'th' women of the Parish, as I did

The broken-bellied-man the other day.

Hear.

Seeing you needs will cast me off▪ let me

Intreat this one thing of you that you would not

Make me your Table-talk, at the next Gossiping.

Exit.

[En. Slic.

Pot.

Indeed I pitty thee poor thing, or rather

I pitty thee poore nothing. Good Lieutenant

How dost thou? Thou art mindfull of thy Promise?

Slic.

What else my jolly wench?

Pot.

Good sweet Lieutenant

Give me but leave to aske one Question of you,

Art thou intire and sound in all thy limbs?

Slic.

To tell the very truth, ere now I've had

A spice o'th' Pox, or so; but now I am sound

As any Bell (Hem) wast not shrill my Girle, ha?

Pot.

I do not aske thee about these diseases;

My question is whether thou'st all thy parts.

Slic.

Faith I have lost a joint or two; as none

Of our Profession come off whole, unlesse

The Generall, and some sneaks.

Pot.

My meaning is

Whether that something is not wanting that

Should write thee husband.

Slic.

Ne'r feare that my wench;

Dost think the King would send me to the wars

[Page 6] Without I had my weapons? Eunuchs are not

Men of imploiment in these dayes; his Majesty

Hath newly put me on a peece of service;

And if I e're come off (which I doe feare

I shan't, the danger is so great) brave Widow

Wee'l to't and get Commanders.

Potl.

If you can

Leave me, I can leave you: there are other men

That won't refuse a Fortune when 'tis proffer'd.

Slic.

Well, I must to his Majesty, think on't;

So fare thee well. Thine to his very Death,

That is a Month or two perhaps, D. Slicer.

[Ex. En. Sha.

Potl.

Kind Master Shape, you are exceeding welcome.

Here hath bin M ^r Hearsay, and Lieutenant

Slicer:

You may ghesse at their businesse, but

I hope you thinke me faithfull.

Sh.

I beleeve

The memory of your Husbands ashes, which

Scarce yet are cold, extinguisheth all flames

That tend to kindling any Love-fire: 'Tis

A vertue in you, which I must admire

That only you amongst so many should

Be the sole Turtle of the Age.

Potl.

I doe

Beare him in memory I confesse; but when

I doe remember what your promise was

When he lay sicke, it doth take something from

The bitternesse of Sorrow. Woman was

Not made to be alone still.

Sh.

Tender things

At seventeen may use that plea; but you

Are now arriv'd at Matron: these young sparkes

Are rak'd up, I presume, in sager Embers.

Potl.

Nay don't abuse her that must be your Wife;

You might have pitty, & not come with your nicknames,

[Page 7] And call me Turtle: have I deserv'd this?

Sh.

If that you once hold merits, I have done;

I'm glad I know what's your Religion.

Potl.

What's my Religion? 'tis well known there hath

Been no Religion in my house e'r since

My Husband dy'd.

Ent. Slic. Hearsay.

Hear.

How now sweet Shape? so close

Alone w' your Widow.

Sh.

Sirs dare you beleeve it?

This thing, whose prayer it hath been these ten

Yeares, that she may obtaine the second tooth,

And the third haire, now dotes on me, on me

That doe refuse all that are past sixteen.

Slic.

Why faith this was her sute to me just now.

Hear.

I had the first on't then. A Coachman, or

A Groome were fitter far for her.

Slic.

You doe

Honour her too much to thinke she deserves

A thing that can lust moderately, give her

The sorrell Stallion in my Lords long stable.

Sha.

Or the same colour'd Brother, which is worse.

Potl.

Why Gentlemen—

Hear.

Foh, foh! she hath let fly.

Potl.

Doe y' think I have no more manners than so?

Sha.

Nay faith I can excuse her for that: But

I must confesse she spoke, which is all one.

Slic.

Her breath would rout an Army, sooner than

That of a Cannon.

Hear.

It would lay a Devill

Sooner than all Trithemius charmes.

Sha.

Heark how

It blusters in her nosthrils like a wind

In a foule Chimney.

Potl.

Out you base companions,

You stinking Swabbers.

Hear.

[Page 8]

For her gate, that's such,

As if her nose did strive t'outrun her heels.

Sha.

She's just six yards behind, when that appears;

It saves an Usher Madam.

Pot.

You are all

Most foul-mouth'd knaves to use a woman thus.

Sli.

Your playster'd face doth drop against moist weather.

Sha.

Fie, how you writh it; now it looks just like

A ruffled boot.

Slic.

Or an oyld paper Lanthorn.

Hear.

Her nose the candle in the midst of it.

Sha.

How bright it flames? Put out your nose good Lady

Your burn day-light.

Pot.

Come up you lowsie Raskals.

Hear.

Not upon you for a Kingdom good Joane,

The great Turk, Joane—the great Turk.

Slic.

Kisse him Chuck,

Kisse him Chuck open'd mouth'd and be reveng'd.

Pot.

Hang you base cheating Varlet.

Slic.

Don't you see

December in her face?

Sha.

Sure the Surveyer

Of the high-waies will have to do with her

For not keeping her countenance passable.

Hear.

There lies a hoare frost on her head, and yet

A constant thaw in her nose.

Sha.

She's like a peece

Of fire-wood, dropping at one end, and yet

Burning i'th' midst.

Slic.

O that endeavouring face!

When will your costivenesse have done good Madam?

Hear.

Do you not heare her Guts already squeake

Like Kitstrings?

Slic.

They must come to that within

This two or three yeares; by that time shee'l be

[Page 9] True perfect Cat: They practise before hand.

Pot.

I can endure no longer, though I should

Throw off my womanhood.

Hear.

No need, that's done

Already: nothing left thee, that may stile thee

Woman but Lust, and Tongue; no flesh but what

The vices of the sex exact, to keep them

In heart.

Sha.

Thou art so leane and out of case

That 'twere absurd to call thee Devill incarnate.

Slic.

Th'art a dry Devill troubled with the lust

Of that thou hast not, flesh.

Pot.

Rogue, Raskall, Villaine,

Ile shew your cheating tricks I faith: all shall

Be now laid open. Have I suffer'd you

Thus long i' my house, and ne'r demanded yet

One penny rent, for this? Ile have it all,

By this good blessed light I will.

Hear.

You may

If that you please undo your self, you may.

I will not strive to hinder you. There is

Something contriving for you, which may be

Perhaps yet brought about, a Match or so;

A proper fellow; 'tis a trifle, that;

A thing you care not for I know. Have I

Plotted to take you off from these to match you

In better sort, and am us'd thus? As for

The Rent you aske, here take it, take your money;

Fill, choake your gaping throat. But if as yet

You are not deaf to counsell, let me tell you

It had been better that you ne'r had took

It may stop some proceedings.

Pot.

Mr Hearsay,

You know you may have even my heart out of

My belly (as they say) if you'l but take

[Page 10] The paines to reach it out; I am sometimes

Peevish I doe confesse; here take your money.

Hear.

No.

Potl.

Good Sir.

Hear.

No, keep it and hoord it up.

My purse is no safe place for it.

Potl.

Let me

Request you that you would be pleas'd to take it.

Hear.

Alas 'twould only trouble me; I can

As willingly goe light, as be your Treasurer.

Potl.

Good Mr Slicer speake to him to take it,

Sweet Mr Shape, joyne with him.

Slic.

Nay, be once

O'rerul'd by a woman.

Sha.

Come, come, you shall take it.

Potl.

Nay Faith you shall; here put it up good Sir.

Hear.

Upon intreaty I'm content for once;

But make no Custome of't; you doe presume

Upon my easie foolishnesse; 'tis that

Makes you so bold: were it another man

He ne'r would have to doe with you. But marke me,

If e'r I find you in this mood againe,

I'le dash your hopes of Marriage for ever.

Ex. all but Hear.

ACT. I. SCEN. 3.

To him, Meanewell, Andrew.

And.

GOd save you Tutors both.

Mean.

Fie Andrew, fie;

What kisse your hand? you smell, not complement.

Hear.

Besides, you come too near when you salute.

Your breath may be discover'd; and you give

[Page 11] Advantage unto him you thus accoast

To shake you by the hand, which often doth

Endanger the whole arme. Your Gallant's like

The Chrystall glasse, brittle; rude handling crackes him.

To be saluted so were to be wounded.

His parts would fall asunder like unto

Spilt Quicksilver; an Eare, an Eye, a Nose

Would drop like Summer fruit from shaken Trees.

Mean.

For the same reason I'd not have you dance.

Some Courtiers, I confesse, doe use it; but

They are the sounder sort, those foolish ones

That have a care of health, which you shall not

If you'l be rul'd by me. The hazard's great,

'Tis an adventure, an exploit, a piece

Of service for a Gentleman to caper.

Hear.

A Gallant's like a Leg of Mutton, boyl'd

By a Spanish Cooke; take him but by the one End

And shake him, all the flesh fals from the bones,

And leaves them bare immediately.

And.

I would

Not be a leg of Mutton here.

Hear.

I saw

In France a Monsieur, only in the Cutting

Of one crosse Caper, Rise a man, and come

Downe, to th' amazement of the standers by,

A true extemporary Skeleton;

And was strait read on.

And.

Sure this man,

Good Tutor, was quite rotten.

Mean.

See how you

Betray your breeding now! quite rotten! 'tis

Rottennesse perhaps in Footmen, or in Yeomen,

'Tis tendernesse in Gentlemen; They are

A little over-boyl'd, or so.

Hear.

He is

[Page 12] A Churle, a Hind, that's wholesome; some raw thing

That ne're was at London: One in whom

The Clown is too predominant. Refin'd

People feele Naples in their bodies; and

An Ach i'th' bones at Sixteen, passeth now

For high dissent; it argues a great birth.

Low blouds are never worthy such infection.

An.

Ay, but my Father bid me I should live honest,

And say my Prayers, that he did.

Hear.

If that

You cannot sleep at any time, we do

Allow you to begin your Prayers, that so

A slumber may seize on you.

Mean.

But as for

Your living honost, 'twere to take away

A trade i'th' Common-wealth; the Surgeons

Benefit would go down: you may go on

In foolish chastity, eate only Sallads,

Walk an unskilfull thing, and be to learn

Something the first night of your wife; but that's

To marry out of fashion.

An.

Here's no Proofes,

No Doctrines, nor no Uses. Tutor I

Would fain learn some Religion.

Hear.

Religion?

Yes to become a Martyr, and be pictur'd

With a long Labell out o' your mouth, like those

In Foxes Book; just like a Jugler drawing

Ribband out of his throat.

An.

I must be gone.

Mean.

Obedience is the first step unto science;

Stay and be wise.

An.

Indeed I dare not stay

The Glyster works you sent to purge gross humors.

[Ex.

Mean.

Being you will not take your Lecture out

[Page 13] Good morrow to y' good Andrew. This soft foole

Must swim in's Fathers wealth. It is a curse

That Fortune justly makes the City's lot,

The young Fool spends what e're the old Knave got.

Ex. Mean.

ACT. I. SCEN. IV.

To Hearsay, enter Slicer and Credulous.

Hear.

SIr let me tell you this is not the least

Of things wherein your wisedome shewes it self,

In that you've plac'd your Son in this good sort.

Cred.

Nay nay, let me alone to give him breeding;

I did not hold the University▪

Fit for the training up of such a Spirit.

Slic.

The University? 't had been the only way

T' have took him off his courage, and his mettal,

He had return'd as Slaves doe from the Gallies,

A naked shorn thing with a thin dockt top,

Learnedly cut into a Logick mode.

Hear.

A private Oath given him at first Entrance

Had sworn him Pilgrim unto Conventicles;

Engag'd him to the hate of all, but what

Pleaseth the stubborn froward Elect.

Slic.

But we

Following another Modell doe allow

Freedome and courage, cherish and maintaine

High noble thoughts—

Hear.

Set nature free, and are

Chymists of manners—

Sli.

Do instruct of States—

Hear.

And Wars: there's one, look on him—

Slic.

Doe but view

That searching Head—

Hear.

The very soule of Battell,

[Page 14] True steele.

Slic.

H' hath been an Agent some few years

(A score or so) for Princes, and as yet

Doth not write forty.

Hear.

I confesse I can

Discover th' Entrailes of a State perhaps,

Lay open a Kingdoms Paunches, shew the bowels

And inwards of a Seigniory or two;

But for your deeds of Valour, there is one,

Although I speak it to his face, that can

Write a Geography by his own Conquests.

H' hath fought o'r Strabo, Ptolomy and Stafford;

Travell'd as far in arms, as Lithgoe naked.

Born weapons whither Coriat durst not

Carry a shirt or shooes. Jack Mandevil

Ne'r saild so far as he hath steerd by Land;

Using his Colours both for mast and saile.

Cred.

I'd thought h' had been Leiutenant.

Hear.

That's all one.

Slic.

I've worn some Leather out abroad; let out

A heathen Soul or two; fed this good sword

With the black bloud of Pagan Christians;

Converted a few Infidels with it.

But let that passe. That man of peace there hath

Been trusted with Kings Breasts—

Hear.

His name is heard

Like Thunder, and that meer word, Slicer, hath

Sufficed unto victory.

Slic.

He's close,

Reserv'd, lock'd up. The secrets of the King

Of Tartary, of China, and some other

Counsels of moment have been so long kept

In's body without vent, that every morning

Before he covers them with some warme thing

Or other you may smell 'em very strongly;

[Page 15] Distinguish each of them by severall sents—

Hear.

A grove of Pikes are rushes to him, hail

More frights you, than a shower of Bullets him—

Slic.

The Dutch come up like broken beer; the Irish

Savour of Usquebaugh; the Spanish they

Smell like unto perfume at first, but then

After a while end in a fatall steame—

Hear.

One Drum's his Table, the other is his Musick.

His Sword's his Knife, his Colours are his Napkins▪

Carves nourishing Horse, as he is us'd to do

The hostile Paguim, or we venison: Eates

Gunpowder with his meat instead of Pepper,

Then drinks o'r all his Bandeleers, and fights—

Slic.

Secrets are rank'd and order'd in his belly,

Just like Tobacco leaves laid in a sweat.

Here lies a row of Indian secrets, then

Something of 's own on them; on that another

Of China Counsels, cover'd with a lidd

Of New-found-land discoveries; next, a bed

Of Russia Policies, on them a lay

Of Prester-Johnion whispers—

Hear.

Slights a tempest;

Counts lightning but a giving fire, and thunder

The loud report when heaven hath discharg'd.

H' hath with his breath supplyed a breach.

When he's once fixt no Engine can remove him.

Slic.

'Twould be a Policy worth hatching, to

Have him dissected, if 'twere not too cruell.

All states would lye as open as his bowels.

Turkey in's bloudy Liver; Italy

Be found in's reines; Spaine busie in his Stomack;

Venice would float in's Bladder; Holland saile

Up and down all his veines; Bavaria lie

Close in some little gut, and Ragioni

Di Stato generally reek in all.

Cred.

[Page 16]

I see my Son's too happy; he is born

To be some man of Action, some Engine

For th' overthrow of Kingdomes.

Hear.

Troth he may

Divert the Torrent of the Turkish rule

Into some other Tract; damme up the streame

Of that vast headlong Monarchy, if that

He want not meanes to compasse his intents.

Cred.

The Turkish Monarchy's a thing too big

For him to mannage; he may make perhaps

The Governour of some new little Island,

And there plant Faith and Zeale: But for the present

M'ambition's only to contrive a Match

Between Sir Thomas Bite-figg's only Daughter,

And (if I may so call him now) my Son;

'Twill raise his Fortunes somewhat.

Slic.

We have got

One that will doe more good with's tongue that way

Than that uxorious showre that came from Heaven,

But you must oyle it first.

Cred.

I understand you

Greaze him i'th'fist you meane: there's just ten Peeces,

'Tis but an earnest: If he bring't about,

I'le make those then a hundred.

Hear.

Thinke it done.

Ex. Cred. & Ent. Sh. Mean.

ACT. I. SCEN. V.Hearsay, Slicer, Meanewell, Shape.
OUr life methinks is but the same with others;
To couzen, and be couzen'd, makes the Age.
The Prey and Feeder are that Civill thing
That Sager heads call Body Politick.
Here is the only difference; others cheat


[Page 17] By statute, but we do't upon no grounds.
The fraud's the same in both, there only wants
Allowance to our way: the Common-wealth
Hath not declar'd her self as yet for us;
Wherefore our Policy must be our Charter.
Mea.
Well mannag'd Knav'ry is but one degree
Below plaine Honesty.
Slic.
Give me villany
That's circumspect, and well advis'd, that doth
Colour at least for goodnesse. If the Cloake
And Mantle were pull'd off from things, 'twould be
As hard to meet an honest Action as
A liberall Alderman, or a Court Nun.
Hear.
Knowing then how we must direct our steps,
Let us chalk out our paths; you, 
Shape, know yours.
Sha.
Where e'r I light on Fortune, my Commission
Will hold to take her up: I'l ease my silken
Friends of that idle luggage, we call Money.
Hear.
For my good toothlesse Countesse, let us try
To win that old Emerit thing, that like
An Image in a German clock, doth move,
Not walke, I meane that rotten Antiquary.
Mean.
Hee'i surely love her, 'cause she looks like some
Old ruin'd peece, that was five Ages backward.
Hear.
To the great Vestry wit, the Livery braine,
My Common-Councell Pate, that doth determine
A City businesse with his gloves on's head,
We must apply good hope of wealth and meanes.
Slic.
That griping Knight Sir 
Thomas must be call'd
With the same lure: he knows t' a crum how much
Losse is in twenty dozen of Bread, between
That which is broke by th' hand, and that is cut.
Which way best keeps his Candles, bran or straw.
What tallow's lost in putting of 'm out
By spittle, what by foot, what by the puffe,


[Page 18] What by the holding downwards, and what by
The extinguisher; which week will longest be
In lighting, which spend fastest; he must heare
Nothing but Moyties, and Lives, and Farmes,
Coppies, and Tenures▪ he is deaf to th'rest.
Mean.
I'l speak the language of the wealthy to him.
My mouth shall swill with Bags, Revenues, Fees,
Estates, Reversions, Incomes, and assurance.
He's in the Gin already, for his Daughter
Shee'l be an easie purchase.
Hear.
I do hope
We shall grow famous; have all sorts repaire
As duly to us, as the barren Wives
Of aged Citizens do to St 
Antholins.
Come let us take our Quarters: we may come
To be some great Officers in time,
And with a reverend Magisterial frown,
Passe sentence on those faults that are our own.
Ex Om.

ACT. II. SCENE I.

Have-at-all, Slicer, Hearsay, having rescued him in a Quarrell.

Have:

'TIs destin'd, I'l be valiant, I am sure

I shall be beaten with more credit then,

Than now I do escape. Lieutenant hast

Bethought thy self as yet? hast any way

To make my Sword fetch bloud?

Slic.

You never yet

Did kill your man then?

Have.

No.

Hear.

Nor get your Wench

With child I warrant?

Have.

[Page 19]

O Sir.

Slic.

You're not quite

Free of the Gentry till y'have marrd one man

And made another: when one fury hath

Cryd quit with t'other, and your Lust repair'd

What Anger hath destroyd, the Titles yours,

Till then you do but stand for't.

Have.

Pox! who'd be

That vile scorn'd Name, that stuffs all Court-gate Bils?

Lieutenant thou mayst teach me valour yet.

Slic.

Teach thee? I will inspire thee man. I'l make

Thy name become a terrour, and to say

That Have-at-all is comming, shall make roome

As when the Bears are in Procession.

Heark hither Franks—

They consult.

Hear.

That's good, but—

Slic.

How think'st now?

Hear.

Nay he will pay you large—lie.

[aloud

Hear.

Pay, what else?

Hear.

Make him beleeve the Citizen's his Guest.

The Citizen that he is his.

Slic.

Concluded;

Would you fight fair or conquer by a spell?

Have.

I do not care for Witchcraft; I would have

My strength relie meerlie upon it self.

Slic.

There is a way that I ne'r shew'd it yet,

But to one Spaniard, and 'twas wondrous happy.

Have.

Think me a second Spaniard worthy Sir.

Slic.

Then listen. The design is by a dinner;

An easie way you'l say, I'l say a true;

Hunger may break stone walls, it ne'r hurts men.

Your cleanly feeder is your man of valour.

What makes the Peasant grovel in his muck,

Humbling his crooked soule, but that he eates

Bread just in colour like it? Courage ne'r

[Page 20] Vouchsaf'd to dwell a minute, where a sullen

Pair of brown loaves darken'd the durty Table;

Shadows of bread, not bread. You never knew

A solemn Son of Bagpudding and Pottage

Make a Commander; or a Tripe-eater

Become a Tyrant: he's the Kingdoms arm

That can feed large, and choicely.

Have.

If that be

The way, I'l eat my self into courage,

And will devour valour enough quickly.

Slic.

'Tis not the casual eating of those meats,

That doth procure those Spirits, but the order,

And manner of the meal; the ranking of

The dishes, that does all; else he that hath

The greatest range would be the hardest man.

Those goodly Juments of the Guard would fight

(As they eat Beef) after six stone a day;

The Spit would nourish great Attempts: my Lord

Would lead a Troop, as well as now a Masque;

And force the Enemies sword with as much ease

As his Mistrisses Bodkin: Gallants would

Owe valour to their Ordinaries, and fight

After a crown a meal.

Have.

I do conceive

The Art is all in all. If that you'l give

A bill of your directions, I'l account

My self oblig'd unto you for my safety.

Slic.

Take it then thus. All must be Souldier-like;

No dish but must present Artilery.

Some military instrument in each.

Imprimis sixe or seven yards of Tripe

Display'd instead o'th' Ensign.

Have.

Why, you said,

Tripe-eaters ne'r made Tyrants.

Slic.

Peace Sir, Learners

[Page 21] Must be attentive and beleeve. Do y' think

Wee'l eat this? 'tis but for formalitie;

Item a Coller of good large fat Brawn

Serv'd for a Drum, waited upon by two

Fair long black Puddings lying by for drumsticks;

Item a well grown Lamprey for a Fife;

Next some good curious Marchpanes made into

The form of Trumpets: Then in order shall

Follow the Officers. The Captain first

Shall be presented in a warlike Cock,

Swiming in whitebroth▪ as he's wont in bloud;

The Sergeant Major he may bustle in

The shape of some large Turkey; For my self,

Who am Leiutenant, I'm content there be

A Bustard only; let the Corporall

Come sweating in a Breast of Mutton, stuff'd

With Pudding, or strut in some aged Carpe,

Either doth serve I think. As for Perdues

Some choice Sous'd-fish brought couchant in a dish

Among some fennell, or some other grasse,

Shews how they lie i'th' field. The Souldier then

May be thus rank'd. The common one Chicken,

Duck, Rabbet, Pidgeon. For the more Gentile,

Snipe, Woodcock, Partridge, Pheasant, Quail will serve.

Hear.

Bravelie contriv'd.

Slic.

That weapons be not wanting

Wee'l have a dozen of bones well charg'd with marrow

For Ordnance, Muskets, Petronels, Petarrs;

Twelve yards of Sausage by insteed of Match;

And Caveari then prepar'd for wild-fire.

Hea

Rare Rogue! how I do love him now me thinks.

Slic.

Next wee'l have true fat, eatable old Pikes;

Then a fresh Turbut brought in for a Buckler,

With a long Spitchcock for the sword adjoyn'd;

Wee'l bring the ancient weapons into play.

Have.

[Page 22]

Most rare by heaven.

Slic.

Peaches, Apricocks,

And Malecotoons, with other choiser Plums

Will serve for large siz'd Bullets; then a dish

Or two of Pease for small ones. I could now

Tell you of Pepper in the stead of Powder,

But that 'tis not in fashion 'mongst us Gallants;

If this might all stand upon Drum heads, 'twould

Work somewhat better.

Have.

Wil't so? then we'l have 'em

From every ward i'th' City.

Slic.

No I'm loath

To put you to such charge: for once, a long

Table shall serve the turn; 'tis no great matter.

The main thing's still behind: we must have there

Some Fort to scale; a venison pastie doth it:

You may have other Pies instead of outworks;

Some Sconces would not be amisse, I think.

When this is all prepar'd, and when we see

The Table look like a pitch'd Battel, then

Wee'l give the word, Fall too, slash, kill, and spoile;

Destruction, rapine, violence, spare none.

Hear.

Thou hast forgotten Wine, Lieutenant, wine.

Slic.

Then to avoid the grosse absurdity

Of a dry Battel, cause there must some bloud

Be spilt (on th' enemies side I mean) you may

Have there a Rundlet of brisk Claret, and

As much of Aligant, the same quantitie

Of Tent would not be wanting, 'tis a wine

Most like to bloud. Some shal bleed fainter colours,

As Sack, and White wine. Some that have the itch

(As there are Taylors still in every Army)

Shall run with Renish, that hath Brimstone in't.

When this is done fight boldly; write your self

The tenth or 'leventh Worthy, which you please,

[Page 23] Your choice is free.

Have.

I'l be the gaming Worthy;

My word shall be Twice twelve; I think the dice

Ne'r mounted any upon horseback yet.

Sl.

Wee'l bring your friends & ours to this large dinner:

It works the better eaten before witnesse.

Beware you say 'tis yours: Confession is

One step to weaknesse, private Conscience is

A Theater to valour. Let's be close.

Old Credulous, and his Son, and Mr Caster

Shall all be there.

Have.

But then they will grow valiant

All at my charge.

Slic.

Ne'r fear't; th'unknowing man

Eates only Flesh, the understanding Valour;

His ignorance i'th' mystery keeps him coward:

To him 'tis but a Meale; to you 'tis vertue.

It shall be kept here.

Hav.

No fitter place; there is

An old rich Clutchfist Knight, Sir Thomas Bitefig,

Invite him too; perhaps I may have luck,

And break his Purse yet open for one hundred.

A Usurer is somewhat exorable

When he is full: He ne'r lends money empty.

Slic.

Discreet, and wisely done; I was about

T' have prompted it.

Hear.

Stout Mr Haveatall

Lets be sworn Brothers.

Have.

Pox! thou fear'st Ile beat thee

After I've eaten. Dost thou think I'l offer't?

By my next meale I won't: nay I do love

My friends how e'r: I do but think how I

Shall bastinado o'r the Ordinaries.

Arm'd with my sword, Battoone and foot Ile walk

To give each rank its due. No one shall scape,

[Page 24] But he I win off.

Hear.

You shall have at least

Some twenty warrants serv'd upon you straight;

The trunck-hose Justices will try all means

To bind you to the Peace, but that your strength

Shall not be bound by any.

Slic.

Surgeons will

Pray for your health and happinesse, you may

Bring 'em to be your Tributaries, if

You but denie to fight a while.

Have.

My teeth

Are on an edge till I do eat; now will

I couzen all men without opposition.

I feel my strength encrease with very thought on't.

Sword, sword, thou shalt grow fat; and thou Battoon

Hold out I prethee, when my labour's done,

I'l plant thee in the Tower-yard, and there

Water'd with wine thou shalt revive, and spring

In spight of Nature with fresh succulent boughs,

Which shall supply the Commonwealth with Cudgels.

Thou I first meet after this meal I do

Pronounce unhappy shadow; happie yet

In that thou'lt fall by me. Some men I will

Speak into Carcasse, Some I'l look to death,

Others I'l breath to dust, none shall hold back

This fatall Arm: The Templers shall not dare

T'attempt a rescue; no mild words shall bury

My splitted spitchcock'd—

Slic.

Oliv'd, hasht—

Hear.

Dri'd, powder'd.

Have.

Rosted fury.

Exeunt.

[Page 25]

ACT. II. SCEN. II.

Meanwell, Moth.

Mean.

IF what I speak prove falss, then stigmatize me.

Mo.

I nas not what you mean; Depardieux you

Snyb mine old years, Sans fail I wene you bin

A Jangler, and a Golierdis.

Mean.

I swear

By these two Janus heads you had of us,

And your own too, as reverend as these,

There is one loves you that you think not on.

Mot.

Nad be, none pleasaunce is me ylaft,

This white top writeth my much years, I wis

My fire yreken is in Ashen cold,

I can no whit of daliance: If I kissen

These thick stark bristles of mine beard will pricken

Ylike the skin of Hownd-fish. Sikerly

What wends against the grains is lytherly.

Mean.

Me thinks y'are strong enough and very lusty,

Fit to get heyres; among your other peeces

Of age and time, let one young face be seen

May call you Father.

Mo.

Wholsom counsel! but

The world is now full Tykel sykerly;

'Tis hard to find a Damosel unwenned;

They being all Coltish and full of Ragery,

And full of gergon as is a flecken Pye.

Who so with them maketh that bond anon

Which men do clypen spousaile, or wedlock,

Saint Idiot is his Lord I wis.

Mean.

This is

No tender and wanton thing, she is a stay'd

And setled widow, one who'l be a Nurse

[Page 26] Unto you in your latter daies.

Mo.

A Norice

Some dele ystept in age! so mote I gone

This goeth aright, how highteth she say you?

Mean.

Mrs Joane Potluck, Vintner Potluck's widow.

Mo.

Joane Potluck Spinster. Lore me o thing mere

Alouten, what time gan she brendle thus?

Mean.

On Thursday morning last.

Mo.

Y' blessed Thursday,

Ycliped so from Thor the Saxons God.

Ah benedicite I might soothly sayne,

Mine mouth hath itched all this livelong day

All night me met eke, that I was at Kirke;

My heart gan quapp full oft. Dan Cupido

Sure sent thylke sweven to mine head.

Mean.

You shall

Know more if you'l walk in.

Exit Meanwel,

Mo.

Wend you before me,

Cembeth thy self, and pyketh now thy self;

Sleeketh thy self; make cheere much Digne good Robert:

I do arret thou shalt acquainted bin

With Nymphs and Fawny, and Hamadryades;

And yeke the sisterne nine Pierides

That were transmued into Birds, nemp'd Pyes,

Metamorphosers, wat well what I mean.

Tis is as Jollie now as fish in Seine.

Exeunt.

ACT. II. SCEN. III.

Hearsay, Caster, Shape.

Hear.

CAn I lie hid no where securely from

The throng, and presse of men? must every place

Become a Theater, where I seek shelter?

[Page 27] And solitudes become markets, 'cause I'm there?

Good Sir, I know your tricks: you would intrap;

This is your snare, not your request.

Sha.

Take heed,

He's nois'd about for a deep searching head:

Ile pawn my life 'tis a trick.

Hear.

Leave off these Ginnes,

You do not do it handsomly; you think

Y'have met with fooles I warrant.

Sha.

On my life

A spie, a meere informer.

Cast.

As I hope

For fortunes, my intentions are most faire.

Sha.

A Gamesters Oath: he hath some reservation.

Hear.

Yet did I think you true—

Cast.

By all that's good,

You do me wrong to think, that I'd wrong you.

Hear.

VVhen I lay Agent last in new Atlantis

I met with what you now desire, a strange

New way of winning, but yet very sure.

Were not the danger great I'd—

Cast.

Do you think

I will betray my self, or you, whom I

Esteeme above my self? I have as yet

One hundred left; some part of which—

Sha.

Faith Sir,

These times require advice; if it should come

Unto the Councels eare once, he might be

Sent into other Kingdoms, to win up

Monies for the relief o'th' State, and so

Be as it were an honest kind of Exile.

Cast.

If I do e'r discover may I want

Monie to pay my Ordinary, may I

At my last stake (when there is nothing else

To lose the game) throw Ames Ace thrice together.

[Page 28] Ile give you forty pound in hand—

Hear.

I may

Shew you the vertue of 't, though not the thing;

I love my Country very well. Your high

And low men are but trifles: your poyz'd Dye

That's ballasted with Quicksilver or Gold

Is grosse to this—

Sha.

Profer him more I say.

Cast.

Here's fifty—

Hear.

For the bristle Dye it is

Not worth that hand that guides it; toies fit only

For Clerks to win poore Costermongers ware with.

Sha.

You do not come on well.

Cast.

Here's threescore—

Hear.

Then

Your hollowed thumb join'd with your wriggled box,

The slur, and such like are not to be talk'd of;

They're open to the eye. For Cards you may

Without the help of any secret word,

Or a false hand, without the cut or shuffle,

Or the packt trick, have what you will your self;

There's none to contradict you.

Cast.

If you please

But to instruct me here is fourescore pound.

Hear.

Do y' think 'tis money I esteeme? I can

Command each Terme, by Art as much as will

Furnish a Navy. Had you but five pound

Left you in all the world, I'd undertake

Within one fortnight you should see five thousand.

Not that I covet any of your drosse,

But that the power of this Art may be

More demonstrably evident, leave in

My hands all but some smaller sum to set,

Something to stake at first.

Sha.

Hee'l tell you all

[Page 29] If you but seem to trust him.

Cast.

Here I'l lay

Down in your hands all but this little portion,

VVhich I reserve for a Foundation.

Hear.

Being y'are confident of me, and I

Presume your lips are sealed up to silence,

Take that, which I did never yet discover;

So help you Fortune, me Philosophie.

(I must entreat your absence Mr Shape.)

Exit Shape.

I do presume you know the strength and pow'r

That lies in Phancie.

Cast.

Strange things are done by it.

Hear.

It works upon that which is not as yet.

The little Aethiop Infant had not been

Black in his Cradle, had he not been first

Black in the Mothers strong Imagination.

'Tis thought the hairie Child that's shewn about

Came by the Mothers thinking on the Picture

Of Saint Iohn Baptist in his Camels Coat.

See we not Beasts conceive, as they do fansie

The present colours plac'd before their Eyes?

VVe owe pyed Colts unto the varied horsecloth;

And the white Partridge to the neighbouring snow.

Fancie can save or kill; it hath clos' up

VVounds when the Balsam could not, and without

The aid of salves; to think hath been a cure.

For VVitchcraft then, thats's all done by the force

Of meer Imagination. That which can

Alter the course of Nature, I presume

You'l grant shall bear more rule in petty hazzards.

Cast.

It must, it must, good Sir I pray go on.

Hea.

Now the strong'st fancies still are found to dwel

In the most simple; they being easiest won

To the most firm beliefe, who understand not

VVho 'tis they do believe. If they think 'twill

[Page 30] Be so, it will be so; they do command,

And check the course of Fortune; they may stop

Thunder, and make it stand, as if arrested,

In its mid journey: If that such a one

Shall think you'l win, you must win; 'tis a due

That nature paies those men in recompence

Of her deficiency, that what e'r they think

Shall come to passe. But now the hardest will be

To find out one that's capable of thinking.

Cast.

I know you can produce an Instrument

To work this your design by. Let me owe you

The whole and entire courtesie.

Hear.

I've one

Committed to my custody but lately,

The powerfull'st that way, I e'r found yet;

He will but think he shall b' abus'd in such

A Company, and he's abus'd; he will

Imagine only that he shall be cheated,

And he is cheated: All still comes to passe.

He's but one pin above a Natural: But—

Cast.

Wee'l purchase him; I'l take up for't; old Simon

Shall have my Farme outright now: what's a peece

Of durty Earth to me? a clod? a turf?

Hear.

Because I see your freer nature's such,

As doth deserve supplies, I'l do my best

To win him or a while into your service.

Cast.

If I should strive to pay you thanks, I should

But undervalue this great courtesie.

Sir, give me leave to think & worship. Stay;

First will I beggar all the Gentlemen

That do keep Termes; then build with what I win.

Next I'l undo all gaming Citizens,

And purchase upon that: the Foreman shall

Want of his wonted opportunities,

Old Thomas shall keep home I warrant him.

[Page 31] I will ascend to the Groom Porters next.

Flie higher Games, and make my mincing Knights

Walk musing in their knotty Freeze abroad;

For they shall have no home. There shall not be

That pleasure that I'l baulk: I'l run o'r Nature;

And when I've ransack'd her, I'l weary Art;

My means I'm sure will reach it. Let me see

'Twill yearly be—By Heav'n I know not what—

Hear.

Ne'r think to sum it, 'tis impossible;

You shall ne'r know what Angels, Peeces, Pounds,

These names of want and beggary mean; your tongue

Shall utter nought but millions: you shall measure,

Not count your moneys; your revenews shall

Be proud and insolent, and unruly;

They shall encrease above your conquer'd spendings

In spight of their excesse; your care shall be

Only to tame your riches, and to make them

Grow sober, and obedient to your use.

Cast.

I'l send some forty thousand unto Pauls;

Build a Cathedral next in Banbury;

Give Organs to each Parish in the Kingdom;

And so root out the unmusicall Elect.

I'l pay all Souldiers whom their Captaines won't;

Raise a new Hospitall for those maim'd People

That have been hurt in gaming; Then build up

All Colleges, that Ruine hath demolish'd,

Or, interruption left unperfect.

Hear.

'Twil

Never be done I think, unless you do it.

Provide the wealthiest Gamesters, there's but one

Thing that can do us wrong, Discovery.

You have no enemie, but frailty.

Cast.

Night

And silence are loud names, compar'd with me.

Hear.

I see the tide of Fortune rowling in

[Page 32] Without resistance. Go, be close, and happy.

Exeunt.

ACT. II. SCEN. IV.

Andrew, Meanwell.

And.

VPon my Conscience now he cheated me;

I could have never lost it else so strangely.

Mean.

What is a paltry cloak to a man of worth?

It barr'd men only o'th' sight of your body:

Your handsomnesse will now appear the better.

And.

He was as like our Mr Shape, as could be;

But that he had a patch upon his Cheek,

And a black beard, I should have sworn 'twere he:

It was some body in his cloaths I'm sure.

Mean.

Some cunning Cheater upon my life won

His cloak and suit too.

And.

There it is for certain.

Pies take him, doth he play for cloaks still? Surely

He hath a Fly only to win good cloaths.

[Enter Sha.

Sha.

The Pox and Plague take all ill fortune! this

The second time that he hath cheated me:

My very best suit that I had!

And.

How now?

What lost your cloak, and suit? A jest I vow;

I vow a pretty jest: 'odsnigs I guess'd so;

I saw him have it on; it made him look as like you,

As like you—'Tis a Rogue, a meer Decoy.

Sha.

A Rogue, a meer Decoy? and yet like me?

And.

Nay hold, I mean he is a Rogue, when that

He hath his own cloaths on. D'y' think that I

Would call him so, when he is in your suit?

Sha.

No more of that good Andrew, as you love me

Keep in your wit.

And.

Speak Tutor, do I use

[Page 33] To quarrell? speak good Tutor.

Mean.

That wit Andrew

Of yours will be th' undoing of you, if

You use't no better.

And.

Faith I thought I might

Have broke a witty jest upon him, being

I've lost my cloak.

Mean.

True, but he has lost his too:

And then you know that is not lawfull wit.

[Enter Hear.

Hear.

Here's Mr Credulous, and old Sir Thomas,

They have some businesse with you.

Mean.

Bring 'em in.

Sha

My businesse lies not here Sirs, fare you well.

[Ex.

For Gods sake don't you tell old Sim on't now.

[Sh.

ACT II. SCEN. V.

To them, Sir Thomas Bitefig, Credulous.

Mea.

GOd save you good Sir Thomas.

Sr Tho.

Save you Sir.

Mean.

You'r welcome Mr Credulous.

Cred.

Come hither;

Whither do you steal now? what? where's your cloak?

And.

Going to foiles ev'n now, I put it off.

Mea.

To tell you truth he hath lost it at Doublets.

Cred.

With what a lie you'd flap me in the mouth?

Thou hast the readiest invention

To put off any thing—thou hadst it from

Thy mother I'l be sworn; 'tnere came from me.

Mean.

Peace as you love your self; if that the Knight

Should once perceive that he were given to gaming,

'Twould make him break the match off presently.

Cred.

Sr Thomas here's my Son; he may be yours,

If you please to accept him.

And.

[Page 34]

Father don't

Give me away for this: try me once more.

Sr Tho.

I like his person well enough, if that

You'l make him an Estate convenient.

Mean.

He hath more in him Sir than he can shew;

He hath one fault, he's something covetous.

Sr Tho.

Mary a very commendable fault.

Cred.

He is descended of no great high bloud:

He hath a House, although he came of none.

His Grandfather was a good Livery man,

Paid scot and lot, old Timothy Credulous

My Father, though I say it that should not.

Sr Tho.

I don't regard this thing, that you call bloud:

'Tis a meer name, a sound.

Mean.

Your Worship speaks

Just like your self; me thinks he's noble,

That's truely rich: men may talk much of Lines,

Of Arms, of Bloud, of Race, of Pedigree,

Houses, Descents, and Families; they are

But empty noise God knows, the idle breath

Of that puff nothing Honour; Formall words,

Fit for the tongues of men that ne'r knew yet

What Stem, what Gentry, nay, what vertue lies

In great Revenues.

Sr Tho.

Well and pithy said,

You may work on my Daughter, and prevaile,

For that yong stripling: 'Tis a foolish wench,

An unexperienc'd Girle, she'd like to have been

Caught by Sir Robert Littleworths Son, if that

I had not banish'd him my house: a youth

Honest enough I think, but that he's poor;

Born to more Name than Fortune.

Cred.

He is safe

For ever wooing. I have laid his Father

Out of harm's way; there's picking meat for him:

[Page 35] And God knows where he's gon; he hath not been

Seen this long while; he's sure turn'd vagabond;

No sight of him since th' Arrest of his Father.

Andrew addresse your self too good Sir Thomas.

And.

'Slid Father you're the strangest man— I won't.

Cre.

As God shall mend me thou'rt the proudest thing—

Thou canst not complement, but in Caparisons.

And.

What's that to you? I'd fain say something yet;

But that I can't my losses do so vex me.

Cred.

Come think not on't my Boy, I'l furnish thee.

And.

Sir, though—

Cred.

Nay, to't I say; help him Sir, help him.

And.

Sir, though without my cloak at this time—

To morrow I shall have one—give me leave

Barely to say—I am your servant Sir—

In hose and doublet.

Cred.

I'l do what you told me.

Hear.

Take heed: if that you do't hee'l guesse you'r giv'n

To idle spendings, and so crosse the match.

I will invite him as to my self.

Cred.

Do so.

Hear.

Sir Thomas, if you'l please so far to grace us,

As be a guest to morrow here, we shall

Study hereafter to deserve the favour.

Sr Tho.

Although I do not use to eat at Ord'naries,

Yet to accept your courtesie, good friends,

I'l break my wonted custome.

Hear.

You shall have it

With a free heart.

Sr Tho.

If I thought otherwise,

I do assure you, I'd not venture hither.

Exeunt.

[Page 36]

ACT. III. SCENE I.

Moth.

HArrow alas! I swelt here as I go;

Brenning in fire of little Cupido.

I no where hoart yfeele, but on mine head.

Huh. huh, huh, so; ycapred very wele.

I am thine Leeke, thou Chaucer eloquent;

Mine head is white, but o mine taile is green.

This is the Palyes where mine Lady wendeth

Saint Francis, and Saint Benedight,

Blesse this house from wicked wight,

From the Night-mare and the Goblin,

That is hight good fellow Robin.

Keep it from all evill Spirits,

Fayries, Weezels, Rats and Ferrets,

From Curfew time

To the next prime.

Come forth mine Duck, mine Bryd, mine honycomb.

Come forth mine Cinamon.

Enter Mrs Potluck.

Pot.

Who is't that cals?

Mo.

A Knight most Gent.

Pot.

What is your pleasure Sir?

Mo.

Thou art mine pleasure, by dame Venus brent;

So fresh thou art, and therewith so lycand.

Pot.

Alas! I am not any flickering thing:

I cannot boast of that slight-fading gift

You men call beauty; all my handsomnesse

Is my good breeding, and my honesty.

[Page 37] I could plant red, where you now yellow see;

But painting shews an harlot.

Moth.

Harlot, so

Called from one Harlotha Concubine

To deignous Wilhelme, hight the Conqueror.

Pot.

Were he ten Williams, and ten Conquerors

I'd have him know't, I scorn to be his Harlot.

I never yet did take presse-money to

Serve under any one.

Moth.

Then take it now.

Werme kisse! Thine lips ytaste like marrow milk;

Me thinketh that fresh butter runneth on them.

I grant well now, I do enduren woe,

As sharp as doth the Titius in Hell,

Whose stomack fowles do tyren ever more,

That highten Vultures, as do tellen Clerkes.

Pot.

You've spoke my meaning, though I do not know

What 'tis you said. Now see the fortune on't;

We do know one anothers Souls already;

The other must needs follow. Where's your dwelling?

Mo.

Yclose by Aldersgate there dwelleth one

Wights clypen Robert Moth; now Aldersgate

Is hotten so from one that Aldrich hight;

Or else of Elders, that is, ancient men;

Or else of Aldern trees which growden there;

Or else as Heralds say, from Aluredus:

But whence so e'r this Yate ycalled is

There dwelleth Robert Moth thine Paramour.

Pot.

Can you be constant unto me as I

Can be to you?

Moth.

By Woden God of Saxons,

From whence comes Wensday, that is Wodensday,

Truth is a thing that ever I will keep,

Unto thylke in which I creep into

My Sepulchre; I'l be as faithfull to thee,

[Page 38] As Chaunticleere to Madam Partelot.

Pot.

Here then I give away my heart to you,

As true a heart as ever widow gave.

Moth.

I Robert Moth, this tenth of our King

Give to thee Joan Potluck my biggest crumpe Ring▪

And with it my Carcasse entire I bequeathen

Under my foot to Hell, above my head to heaven:

And to witnesse that this is sooth,

I bite thy red lip with my tooth.

Pot.

Though for a while our bodies now must part,

I hope they will be joyn'd hereafter.

Moth.

And must we part? alas, and must we so?

Sin it may be no bet, now gang in peace.

Ex. Potluck

Though soft into mine bed I gin to sink

To sleep long as I'm wont to done, yet all

Will be for naught; I may well lig and wink,

But sleep shall there none in this heart ysink.

Exit

ACT. III. SCEN. II.

Credulous, and Shape dogging him.

Cred.

SO now the Morgage is mine own outright;

I swear by the faith of my Body now

It is a pretty thing, o' my corporal Oath

A very pretty thing. Besides the house,

Orchards, and Gardens: some two hundred Acres

Of Land that beareth as good Country corn,

For Country corn, as may be.

Shap.

As I'd have it.

Cr.

How now good friend ! where dost thou live? dost thou

Know Caster's Farme?

Shap.

Yes Sir; I fear 'tis gon:

Sure Caster's Farme is cast away.

Cred.

[Page 39]

A jest!

Good troth a good one of a Country one;

I see there's wit there too. Then thou dost know it.

Shap.

I am affraid I shall not know it long;

I shall lose my acquaintance.

Cred.

'Snigs another!

A very perillous head, a dangerous brain.

Sha.

God blesse my Master, and the Devil take

Some body else.

Cred.

Um! that's not quite so good

As th' other two; that some body else is me:

(Now you shall see how hee'l abuse me here

To mine own face) why some Body else good Brother?

Sha.

The rich gout rot his bones; an hungry, old,

Hard griping Citizen, that only feeds

On Heyrs and Orphans goods, they say must have it:

One that ne'r had the wisdom to be honest;

And's therefore Knave, 'cause 'tis the easier Art.

I know he hath not given half the worth on't.

'Tis a meer cheat.

Cred.

'Slid Brother thou hast paid him

To th' utmost, though he hath not paid thy Master.

Now is my wit up too: this Land I see

Will make men thrive i'th' brain.

Sha.

Would he were here,

Who e'r he be, I'd give him somewhat more

Into the bargain: a base thin-jaw'd sneaksbill

Thus to work Gallants out of all. It grieves me

That my poor Tenement too goes into th' sale.

Cred.

What have I done? now wit deliver me.

If he know I am he, hee'l cut my throat;

I never shall enjoy it: sure it was

Your Masters seeking friend; he would ne'r else

Have had to doe with it; he that bought it is

A very honest man; and if you please him

[Page 40] Will deale with you. I may speak a word

In your behalf: 'twont be the worse for you.

Sha.

I'm going Sir unto him; do you know

Where I may find him?

Cred.

What if I am he?

Sha.

I am afraid he is not half so honest

As you do seem.

Cred.

Faith I'm the same; I try'd

What metal thou wast made of: I perceive

Thou wilt not flinch for th' wetting; thou mayst be

My Bayliff there perhaps.

Sha.

And 't please your Worship.

Cred.

So now the case is alter'd.

Sha.

I do know

It was my Masters seeking, you would ne'r

Have had to do with 't else. He sent me to you

For the last hundred pound, by the same token,

That you invited him to th' eating house.

Cred.

(O this simplicity! he does not know

Yet what an Ordnary means.) I was now coming

To have paid it in.

Shap.

I'l save your Worship that

Labour an't please you: let me now begin

My Bayliffeship.

Cred.

'Snigs wiser yet than soe.

Where is thy Master?

Shap.

Sir, my Master's here

I thank my stars; but Mr Caster is

At an Horse-race some ten miles off.

Cred.

VVhy then

I'l stay till he returns; 'twill be by dinner.

Sha.

Your best way's now to send it; if by chance

The race go on his side, your VVorship may

Faile of your purchase.

Cred.

'Snigs and that's considerable.

[Page 41] Here, here, make haste with it; but e'r thou goest

Tell me, is't a pretty thing?

Sha.

O' my corporall Oath,

A very pretty thing: besides the house

Orchards, and Gardens, Some two hundred Acres

Of Land that beareth as good Country Corne,

God give you luck on't.

Cred.

Right as I did say,

Ev'n word by word. But prethee stay a little;

VVhat Meadow ground's there? Pasture in proportion?

Sha.

As you would wish Sir; I'm in haste.

Cred.

Nay Bayliffe

But one word more, and I have done; what place

Is there to dry wet linnen in?

Sha.

O twenty

To hang up cloaths, or any thing you please.

Your VVorship cannot want line-room. God be wi' you.

Cred.

But this once and—

Sha.

I must be gone—The Race.

[Exit Shape.

Cred.

Little thinkst thee how diligent thou art

To little purpose. 'Snigs I pitty him;

VVhat haste he makes to cheat himself! poor foole!

Now I am safe the wretch must pardon me

For his poor Tenement; all's mine. I'l sow

One ground or other every month with Pease:

And so I will have green ones all the year.

These Yeomen have no Policie i'th'world.

Exit.

ACT III. SCEN. III

Priscilla, Meanwell.

Pris.

PRay y' entertain your self a while, untill

I give my Mistris notice of your presence.

I'd leave a book with you, but that I see

[Page 42] You are a Gentleman: perhaps you'l find

Some pretty stories in the hangings there.

Mean.

Thank you sweet-heart.

Prisc.

(A very proper man)

If't lye in me to doe you any pleasure,

Pray you Sir use me, you shall find me ready.

[E. Pr.

Me.

I make no doubt of that: these Implements,

These chamber Properties are such ripe things,

They'l fall with the least touch. From twelve to twenty

They thinke that others are to sue to them;

When once they've past these limits, they make bold

I cannot say to wooe, that's somthing modest,

But aske downright themselves.

Ent. M ^rs Jane.

Jan.

Leave us Priscilla,

And wait without awhile.

Mean.

Faire Mistres pardon

The boldnesse of a stranger, who uncivilly

Thus interrupts your better thoughts.

Jan.

May I

Demand your businesse.

Mean.

Under favour thus.

Not to use farther circumstance faire Virgin,

(And yet lesse faire 'cause Virgin) you are one

That are the thought, the care, the aime, the strife,

I should not erre if I should say the madnesse

Of all young men; all sighs, all folded Armes,

All o'r-cast looks, all broken sleeps are ow'd

Only to you.

Jan.

I'm sorry I should be

A trouble unto any: if I could

Afford the remedy as well as now

I doe your grief, assure your selfe that cure

Shall be the birth of my next Action.

Mean.

That cure is my request. If that this were

Mine own sute, I had us'd no circumstance.

[Page 43] Young Master Credulous a proper man

(For sure he shall be rich) one whom the whole

List of our City-Virgins dote on—you

Conceive the rest I know.

Jan.

Alas, what ailes him?

I'l not be slack to doe him any good.

Mean.

'Tis in your power. He is very much

If you will know't—But sure you will not grant

If I should tell you—

Jan.

If you thus presume

That I am hard, you only aske denyall:

Your expectations cross'd except you faile.

Mean.

If you will know it then, he is in love.

Jan.

I pitty him indeed poore heart: with whom?

Mean.

Even with your beautious self.

Jan.

'Tis not well done

To scoffe one ne'r did injure you.

Mean.

I vow

By all that's good, by your faire selfe, I am

As tender of you as that blest one is

Who e'r he be that loves you most. If I

In any case abuse you, let me be

More miserable than Little-worth.

Jan.

Is he become expression? is his Fate

The period of ill wishes? sure he never

Deserv'd so ill from you.

Mean.

I don't reflect

Upon his ruin'd Fortunes, but your coldnesse.

And sure I may call him unhappy, whom

You doe neglect.

Jan.

That man, where ere he be,

Is happier than your selfe; and were he here,

You should see him receiv'd and your self scorn'd.

Mean.

I doe not thinke so Lady; sure you would

Make more of me than so. I'l bring the man,

[Page 44] And so confute you.

Jan.

It may be I might

Love you the better somthing for that Office,

If he might enter here.

Mean.

Nay I could tell

Y'had cast him off: alas you need not hide it,

I have it from himselfe.

Jan.

Doth he think so?

Could I but see him—

Mean.

If his sight can bring

But the least joy unto you (as perhaps

You'l take some pleasure in his misery)

You shall enjoy it.

Jan.

I doe feare you promise

Only to raise my hopes a while, and then

To triumph in their Ruine.

Mean.

That you may

See how my breast and tongue agree, I'l leave

This Ring with you till I return again.

Jan.

My Littleworth! foole that I was: could I

Not all this while perceive 'twas thee? why didst thou

Deferre my joy thus long by suffering me

To stand i'th' Cloud?

Mean.

Alas! I ghess'd I'd been

Infectious to thee now; that thou wouldst look

On a disease more mildly than on me:

For Poverty is counted a contagion.

Jan.

I call this kisse to witnesse (which I wish

If I prove false may be the last to me

Which friends pay dying friends) I ne'r will be

Others than thine.

Mean.

I like the vow so well,

That the same way I'l seale my promise too.

If I prove not as thou (that is most constant)

May this kisse be, that I may wish it worse,

[Page 45] Than that which is due to departing souls▪

The last that I shall take from thee. I am

Sen there, but yet unknown to them that send me,

To be anothers Spokes-man. The man is

That foolish Son of Mr Credulous:

Thou must pretend some liking▪ 'twas thy Father

Granted me this accesse to win thee for him;

Be thou no way averse. 'T shall be my care

So to bring things about, that thou shalt be

Mine by consent in spight of misery.

Jan.

Be secret, and Love prosper thy design.

Ex. Jan.

Mean.

Happy that man that meets such faithfulnesse.

I did not think it had been in the Sex.

I know not now what's misery. Peace: my Fair

[Musick

Is hallowing the Lute with her blest touch.

A Song within.

1.
COme, o come, I brook no stay:
He doth not love that can delay▪
See how the stealing Night
Hath blotted out the Light,
And Tapers do supply the Day.

2.
To be chaste is to be old,
And that foolish Girle that's cold
Is fourscore at fifteen:
Desires do write us green,
And looser flames our youth unfold.

Mean.

'T cannot be her, her voice was ne'r prophan'd

With such immodest numbers.

3.
See the first Taper's almost gone,
Thy flame like that will straight be none;


[Page 46] And I as it expire
Not able to hold fire.
She loseth time that lies alone.

Mean.

'Tis the breath

Of something troubled with Virginity.

4.
O let us cherish then these Powr's
Whiles we yet may call them ours:
Then we best spend our time,
When no dull zealous Chime,
But sprightfull kisses strike the Hours.

Mean.

What dost thou mean?

[Enter Priscilla.

Pris.

Only to please you Sir.

Mean.

Sweetest of things was't thou? Ifaith I guess'd

'Twould be no others melody but yours.

There have been many of your sex much given

Unto this kind of musick.

Pris.

Sappho was

Excellent at it: but Amphion he

He was the man that out-did all; 'tis said

Of him, that he could draw stones with the sound

Of his sweet strings. I'd willingly arrive

At some perfection in the Quality.

Mean.

I do acknowledge your desires most prone.

This for your trouble.

Pri.

I am not mercenary,

Your acceptation is reward enough.

Mean.

You have it then.

Pris.

Beauty go with you Sir.

[Exeunt several waies.

[Page 47]

ACT. III. SCEN. IV.

Credulous, Hearsay, Slicer, to them Sir Thomas Bitefig, Haveatall, Caster, as to the Ordinary.

Cred.

YOur welcome friends, as I may say—

Hear.

You do forget.

Cred.

— That am a guest as well as you.

Slic.

Most noble sons of Fortune, and of Valour,

You grace us with your presence: you must pardon

Our small provision.

Hear.

No variety here

But you most noble guests, whose gracious looks

Must make a dish or two become a feast.

Have.

I'l be as free as 'twere mine own.

Cast.

Who thinks

On any thing that borders upon sadnesse

May he ne'r know what's mirth, but when others

Laugh at his sullen wrinkles.

Have.

We will raise

A noise enough to wake an Alderman,

Or a cast Captaine, when the reck'ning is

About to pay.

Cre.

Hang thinking, 'snigs I'l be

As merry as a Pismire; come let's in.

Slic.

Let's march in order military Sirs.

Ha.

That's well remember'd most compleat Lieutenant

Ex. as to the Ordnary.

ACT III. SCEN. V.

Rime-well, Bagshot, Vicar Catchmey, Sir Christopher.

Rim.

COme my most noble order of the club.

'Cause none will else, let's make much of our selves.

His letter may procure a Dinner yet.

Bag.

[Page 48]

Cheer up Sir Kit, thou lookst too spiritually:

see too much of the Tith-pig in thee.

Ch.

I'm not so happy: Kit's as hungry now

As a besieged City, and as dry

As a Dutch Commentator. This vile world

Ne'r thinks of Qualities: good truth I think

'T hath much to answer for. Thy Poetry

Rimewell, and thy voice Vicar Catchmey, and

Thy Law too Bagshot is contemn'd: 'tis pitty

Professions should be slighted thus. The day

Will come perhaps, when that the Commonwealth

May need such men as we. There was a time

When Coblers were made Church-men, and those black'd

Smutch'd Creatures thrust into white Surplisses,

Look'd like so many Magpies, and did speak

Just as they, by rote. But now the Land

Surfets forsooth. Poor Labourers in Divinity

Can't earn their groat a day, unlesse it be

Reading of the Christian buriall for the dead:

When they ev'n for that reason truly thank

God for thus taking this their Brother to him.

Catch.

Something profane Sir Christopher.

Chri.

When I

Levell my larger thoughts unto the Basis

Of thy deep shallowness, am I prophane?

Henceforth I'l speak, or rather not speak, for

I will speak darkly.

Catch.

There's one comfort then

You will be brief.

Chri.

My briefness is prolix;

Thy mind is bodily, thy soul corporeal;

And all thy subtile faculties are not subtile,

Thy subtilty is dulness. I am strong.

I will not be conceiv'd by such Mechanicks.

Rime.

I do conceive you though Sir Christopher,

[Page 49] My Muse doth sometimes take the selfsame flight.

Chri.

Pauci, pauci ques aequus amavit.

But Quadragessimall wits, and fancies leane

As ember weeks (which therefore I call leane,

Because they're fat) these I do doom unto

A knowing ignorance; he that's conceiv'd

By such is not conceiv'd; sense is non-sense

If understood by them. I'm strong again.

Rime.

You err most Orthodoxly sweet Sir Kit.

Chri.

I love that though I hate it: and I have

A kind of disagreeing consent to't.

I'm strong, I'm strong again. Let's keep these two

In desperate hope of understanding us.

Ridles, and Clouds are very lights of speech:

I'l vaile my carelesse anxious thoughts, as 'twere

In a perspicuous cloud, that I may

Whisper in a loud voice, and ev'n be filent

When I do utter words; words did I call them?

My words shall be no words, my voice no voice;

My noise no noise, my very language silence.

I'm strong, I'm strong: good Sir you understand not.

Bag.

Nor do desire; 'tis meerly froth, and barme,

The yest that makes your thin small Sermons work.

Chri.

Thou hold'st thy peace most vocally. Again.

Catch.

I hate this Bilke.

Chri.

Thou lovest 'cause thou dost hate.

Thy injuries are Courtesies. Strong again.

Cat.

Good Sampson use not this your Asses jaw-bone.

Chri.

Thou'st got my love by losing it; that earnest

Jest hath regain'd my soul. Sampson was strong;

He kill'd a thousand with an Asses-jawbone.

Ent. a Serv. as passing by

And so will I. 'st, 'st—good friend d'y'hear?

Here is a letter friend to Mr Meanwell.

Bag.

Any Reversions yet? nothing transmiss'd?

Rime.

No gleanings James? no Trencher Analects?

Ser.

[Page 50]

Parly a little with your stomacks Sirs.

Catch.

There's nothing so ridiculous as the hungry:

A fasting man is a good jest at any time.

Ser.

There is a Gentleman without, that will'd me

To ask if you'l admit of him among you,

He can't endure to be in good company.

Catc.

You'r merry James; yes by all means good James;

Admit quoth he? what else? pray y'send him in.

[Ex. Se.

Let's be resolv'd to fail out, now then he

Shall have the glory to compose the Quarrel,

By a good dozen of pacificall Beere.

Rime.

Bag. Agreed, agreed.

Chri.

My Coat allows no Quarrell.

Rime.

The Colour bears't if you'l venture the stuffe,

The tendernesse of it I do confesse

Some what denies a grapling.

Chri.

I will try,

Perhaps my Spirit will suggest some anger.

[Ent. And.

An.

Save you boon sparks: wil't please you to admit me?

Chri.

Your Worship graceth us in condescending

To levell thus your presence humble Sir.

And.

What may I call your name most reverend Sir?

Bag.

His name's Sir Kit.

Chri.

My name is not so short,

'Tis a trissyliable, an't please your Worship:

But vulgar tongues have made bold to profane it

With the short sound of that unhallowed Idoll

They call a Kit. Boy learn more reverence.

Bag.

Yes, to my Betters.

And.

Nay friends, do not quarrel.

Chri.

It is the holy cause, and I must quarrell.

Thou Son of Parchment, got between the Standish

And the stiff Buckram bag: thou that maist call

The Pen thy Father, and the inke thy Mother,

The sand thy Brother, and the wax thy Sister,

[Page 51] And the good Pillory thy Couzen remov'd,

I say learn reverence to thy Betters.

Bag.

Set up an hour-glasse; hee'l go on untill

The last sand make his Period.

Chri.

'Tis my custome,

I do approve the Calumny: the words

I do acknowledge, but not the disgrace.

Thou vile ingrosser of unchristian deeds.

Bag.

Good Israel Inspiration hold your tongue;

It makes far better Musick, when you Nose

Sternolds, or Wisdoms Meeter.

Catch.

By your leave

You fall on me now Brother.

Rim.

'Tis my cause,

You are too forward Brother Catchm.

Catch.

Too forward?

Rim.

Yes I say you are too forward

By the length of your London measure Beard.

Catch.

Thou never couldst entreat that respite yet

Of thy dishonesty as to get one hair

To testifie thy Age.

Bag.

I'm beardlesse too;

I hope you think not so of me?

Chri.

Yes verily,

Not one hairs difference 'twixt you both.

Rim.

Thou violent Cushion-thumper, hold thy tongue,

The Furies dwell in it.

Catch.

Peace good Sir Kit.

Chri.

Sir Kit again? Thou art a Lopez; when

One of thy legs rots off (which will be shortly)

Thou'lt beare about a Quire of wicked Paper,

Defil'd with sanctified Rithmes,

And Idols in the frontisepiece: that I

May speak to thy capacity, thou'lt be

[Page 52] A Balladmonger.

Catch.

I shall live to see thee

Stand in a Play-house doore with thy long box,

Thy half-crown Library, and cry small Books.

By a good godly Sermon Gentlemen—

A judgment shewn upon a Knot of Drunkards—

A pill to purge out Popery—The life

And death of Katherin Stubs—

Chri.

Thou wilt visit windows;

Me thinks I hear thee with thy begging tone

About the break of day waking the Brethren

Out of their morning Revelations.

And.

Brave sport Ifaith.

Rime.

Pray y'good Sir reconcile them.

If that some Justice be i'th' Ordinary now

Hee'l bind them to the peace for troubling him.

Bag.

Why should he not good Sir, it is his office,

An.

Now 'tis o'this side; o for a pair of Cudgels!

Rime.

Peace Inkhorn, there's no musick in thy tongue.

Catc.

Thou and thy Rime lye both; the tongue of man

Is born to musick naturally.

Rime.

Thou thing,

Thy belly looks like to some strutting hill,

O'r shadow'd with thy rough beard like a wood.

Chri.

Or like a larger Jug, that some men call

A Bellarmine, but we a Conscience;

Whereon the lewder hand of Pagan workman

Over the proud ambitious head hath carv'd

An Idoll large with beard Episcopal,

Making the Vessel look like Tyrant Eglon.

Catch.

Prophane again Sir Christopher I take it.

Chri.

Must I be strong again? thou humane beast,

Who'rt only eloquent when thou sayst nothing,

And appear'st handsome while thou hid'st thy self,

I'm holy 'cause prophane.

And.

[Page 53]

Couragious Raskals,

Brave Spirits, Souldiers in their daies I warrant.

Bag.

Born in the field I do assure your Worship:

This Quarrelling is meant and drink to them.

Rime.

Thou lyest. Bag. Nay then I do defie thee thus.

[ Ba. draws his Inkhorn and Ri. catcheth off Sr Chr. hat and spectacles.]

Rime.

And thus I am prepar'd to answer thee.

Ch.

For the good S ^ts. sake part them; I am blind,

If that my Spectacles should once miscarry.

Rime.

Caytiff, this holy instrument shall quaile thee.

Bag.

And this shall send thee to thy couzen furies.

Chri.

I feel a film come o'r mine eyes already,

I must look out an Animal conductive,

I mean a Dog.

And.

Pray y'beat not out his eyes in

Anothers hands.

Chri.

Most strongly urg'd.

Catch.

Your words

Are meerly wind. James ho! what James! some beer.

They're mastive Dogs, they won't be parted Sir,

Without good store of Liquor.

[Ent. Serv. with beere.

And.

I will souce them.

Ser.

Drink t' 'em Sir, if that you'l have 'em quiet.

An.

Is that the way? here's to you my friends; a whole one.

Ba.

Were't not for that good Gentleman thou'dst smoak for't.

Ri.

Had I not vow'd some reverence to his presence.

Thou hadst been nothing.

Bag.

'Fore Mars I was dry:

This valour's thirsty: fill to my Antagonist.

Rime.

No, mine own dish will serve: I'm singular.

Few vessels still do well; I carry this

To drink my beer, while others drink their sack.

I am abstemious Rimewel: I hate wine

Since I spake treason last i'th' Celler. Here

Give me thy hand, thou child of fervency.

[Page 54] Didst thou mistrust thy spectacles?

It was no anger, 'twas a Rapture meerly.

Chris.

Drink, and excuse it after. James your help.

Come Man of voice keep time while that I drink.

This moisture shall dry up all injuries,

Which I'l remember only to forget;

And so hereafter, which I'm wont to call

The future now, I'l love thee stubbornly.

Your beer is like my words, strong, stinging geare.

Catch.

Here little Lawyer, let's be friends hereafter;

I love this reconcilement with my heart.

And.

'Tis the best deed that e'r I did: O my conscience

I shall make a good Justice of the Peace,

There had been bloud-shed, if I had not stickled.

Ser.

More bloud been spilt I warrant than beer now.

And.

That Inkhorn is a deadly dangerous weapon:

It hath undone one quarter of the Kingdom.

Chris.

Men should forgive; but thou art far, yea far

From it O Bagshot; thou'rt in love with hate;

Blesse me! I see the Fiend still in his looks;

He is not reconcilable with drink;

Hee'l never love truly, till he eat with me.

The nature of his Spirit asketh meat:

He hath a Woolf in's breast; food must appease him.

And.

Cold meat will doe it, wil't not?

Rim.

Any thing—

That may imploy the teeth.

And.

Goe James provide;

You are not merry yet.

Catch.

To satisfie you

In that point, we will sing a Song of his.

And.

Let's ha't; I love these Ballads hugeously.

[Page 55] The Song.

1. Catch.

THen our Musick is in prime,

When our teeth keep triple time;

Hungry Notes are fit for Knels:

May lankenes be

No Quest to me.

The Bagpipe sounds, when that it swels.

Chor. May lankenes, &c.

2. Bagsh.

A Mooting Night brings wholsome smiles,

When John an Okes, and John a Stiles,

Doe greaze the Lawyers Satin.

A Reading-Day

Frights French away,

The Benchers dare speak Latin.

Chor. A Reading, &c.

3. Rim.

He that's full doth Verse compose;

Hunger deales in sullen Prose:

Take notice and discard her.

The empty Spit

Ne'r cherish'd Wit.

Minerva loves the Larder.

Chor. The empty Spit, &c.

4. Chr.

First to break Fast, then to dine,

Is to conquer Bellarmine:

Distinctions then are budding.

Old Sutcliffs Wit

Did never hit,

But after his Bag-pudding.

Chor. Old Sutcliffs Wit, &c.

And.

[Page 56]

Most admirable; a good eating Song.

Chri.

Let us walk in, and practice it; my Bowels

Yern till I am in charity with all.

And.

A Christian resolution good Sr Christopher.

Ex.

ACT. III. SCEN. VI.

Meanwell with a letter in his hand, Hearsay, Slicer.

Mea.

SWeet Sir I am most passionately yours,

[Mean. reads.

To serve you all the waies I can. Priscilla.

Very well Penn'd of a young Chambermaid,

I do conceive your meaning sweet Priscilla:

You see I have the happy fortune on't;

A night for nothing, and intreated too.

Slic.

Thou dost not know how I do love thee; let me

Make use of this, thou'lt have the like occasion.

Hea.

Thou art the fawningst fellow Slicer—Meanwel Heark here.

Mean.

For Gods sake be contented Sirs;

I'm flesh and bloud as well as you. Lieutenant,

Think on your Suburb Beauties; sweet Intelligencer,

I will by no means bar you of your Lady.

Your sin I assure you will be honourable.

[Exit Mean.

Slic.

Pox o'your liquorous lips; if that she don't

After this sealing forty weeks deliver

Something unto thee as thy act and deed,

Say I can't Prophesie.

Hear.

If I don't serve him

A trick he thinks not of—

Slic.

Did'st mark how he

Did apply himself to the Knight all dinner?

I am afraid he plaies the cunning Factor,

And in anothers name woes for himself.

Hear.

Let it go on; let it work something farther

[Page 57] 'Tis almost ripe enough to crush; he hath not

Crept high enough as yet to be sensible

Of any fall.

Slic.

Now is the time or never.

This night you know he and his Doxie meet;

Let me alone to give them their goodmorrow.

If that we carry things but one week longer

Without discovery, farewell London then;

The world's our own. He ne'r deserves to thrive

That doth not venture for it. Wealth's then sweet

When bought with hazzard. Fate this Law hath set;

The foole inherits, but the wise must get.

ACT. IV. SCEN. I.

Credulous, Hearsay, Slicer.

Cred.

MY Name's not Tribulation,

Nor holy Ananias:

I was baptiz'd in fashion,

Our Vicar did hold Bias.

Hear.

What, how now Mr Credulous? so merry?

Cred.

Come let's be mad; by yea and nay my Son

Shall have the Turkish Monarchy; he shall

Have it directly: the twelve Companies

Shall be his Kickshaws.

Hear.

Bashaws Sir you mean.

Cred.

Well Sir, what if I do? Andrew the great Turk!

I would I were a pepper corn if that

It sounds not well: do'st not?

Slic.

Yes, very well.

Cred.

I'l make it elle: Great Andrew Mahomet,

Imperious Andrew Mahomet Credulous,

Tell me which name sounds best.

Hear.

That's as you speak 'em.

Cred.

[Page 58]

Oatemeleman Andrew, Andrew Oatmeleman.

Hear.

Ottoman Sir you meane.

Cred.

Yes Ottoman.

Then M ^rs Jane, Sir Thomas Bitefiggs Daughter,

That may be the she Great Turk, if she please me.

Sli.

The Sign o'th' half Moon that hangs at your door,

Is not for nought.

Cred.

That's the Turks Armes they say;

The Empire's destin'd to our house directly.

Hang Shop-books, give's some Wine, hay for a noise

Of Fidlers now.

Hear.

The Great Turk loves no Musick.

Cred.

Doe's he not so? nor I. I'l light Tobacco

With my Sum-totals; my Debt-books shall sole

Pyes at young Andrew's Wedding: cry you mercy;

I would say Gentlemen the Great Turks Wedding.

My Deeds shall be slic'd out in Taylors Measures;

They all imploy'd in making M ^rs Mahomet

New Gowns against the time; hang durty wealth.

Sl.

What should the Great Turks father do w ^th wealth?

Cred.

'Snigs I would fain now heare

Some fighting News.

[Ent. Cast.

Slic.

There's one will furnish you I warrant you.

Cast.

Pox!—Plague!—Hell!—Death!—

Damn'd luck!—this 'tis!—

The Devill take all Fortunes: never man

Came off so▪ quite and clean defunct by Heaven—

Not a peece left.

Cred.

What all your Ord'nance lost?

Cast.

But one to bear, and lose it! all the world

Was sure against me.

Cred.

'Snigs how many fell?

Cast.

He threw twice twelve.

Cred.

By'r Lady a shrewd many.

Cast.

The Devill sure was in his hand I think.

Cred.

[Page 59]

Nay, if the Devill was against you, then—

Cast.

But one for to be hit in all the time—

And that too safe enough to any ones thinking;

'T stood on eleven.

Cred.

'Slid a mighty slaughter;

But did he stand upon elev'n at once?

Cast.

The Plague take all impertinencies, peace.

Cred.

These Souldiers are so cholerick there is

No dealing with 'em; then they've lost the day.

Cast.

'Twas ten to one by Heaven all the while.

Cred.

And yet all kill'd at last? hard fortune faith.

What news from Bruxels? or the Hague? d' y' heare

Ought of the Turks designs?

Cast.

I'l make thee news

For the Coranti Dotard.

Cred.

Ay, the Coranti,

What doth that say?

Cast.

O hell! thou foolish thing

Keep in that tongue of thine, or—

Slic.

Good now peace,

He's very furious when he's mov'd.

Hear.

This 'twas.

You must be ventring without your Fancy-man.

Cred.

What Officer's that Fancy-man, Lieutenant?

Some great Commander sure.

Cast.

Pox! let it go;

I'l win't again: 'twas but the Reliques of

An idle hundred.

Cred.

'Snigs and well remember'd.

You did receive the hundred that I sent you

To th' Race this morning by your man, my Bayliffe?

Cast.

Take him away, his wine speaks in him now.

Cred.

Godsnigs the Farme is mine, and must be so.

Slic.

Debate these things another time, good friends.

Enter Haveatall.

[Page 60] Come, come, have Patience. Od's my life away.

There's Mr Haveatall is mad; hee'l spit you,

If he but know you are a Usurer.

Cre.

A plot, a plot to take away my life and Farm.

[Ex.

Have.

Fight as I live with any one. Lieutenant

Do not come neer me now, nor yet thou Caster;

It works, 'fore Mars it works; I'l take my walk,

And if I do find any one by Iove—

En. Haveatall.

Cast.

What's he fox'd too? some drunken Planet raigns

And works upon the world; Provide my fancie

God Noble Patron: I'l win soberly,

I itch till I have beggard all the City.

Exit Cast.

Hea.

Till that you have undone your self you mean. En.

Mo.

Ey save you both: for derne love sayen soothly Mo.

Where is thylk amebly, Francklin, cleped Meanwel?

Hear.

Hee's gone abroad.

Mo.

Lere me whylk way he wended.

Slic.

He is gon o'r the fields.

Hear.

To the Knights house.

Mo.

Why laugh you every dele? so mote I gone,

This goeth not aright; I dread some Covin.

Exit Moth

Slic.

Now will he meet with Haveatall; there'll be

A Combate worthy Chronicle. Let's go

And see how this grave motion will bestir him.

Exeunt.

ACT IV. SCEN. II.

Haveatall, after a while Moth, Slicer and Hearsay watching.

Ha.

VVHat, no man yet march by? who e'r comes next

I'l give him onerap more for making me

Stay here so long.

Enter Moth.

So so here h'is; how shall

I do to know where he be a Gentleman,

[Page 61] Or Yeoman or Serving-man? I think

I'd best suppose him all, and beat him through

Every degree, and so I shall not wrong him.

What? who goes there?

Moth.

Waes heal thou gentle Knight.

Hav.

Waes heal thou gentle Knight? speak what art thou?

Speak quickly doe: Villain know'st thou not me?

Moth

Now by my troath I know not your Name;

Whider I shall call you my Lord Dan John,

Or Dan Thomas, or Dan Robert, or Dan Albon:

I vow to God thou hast a full faire chine;

Upon my faith art some Officer.

Hav.

Have you the pox Sir? speak.

Moth.

No.

Hav.

No? nor yet

An ach in your Bones!

Moth.

No.

Hav.

No? why then you are

No Gentleman; Lieutenant Slicer says so.

This cudgell then serves turn.

Moth.

You will not foyn?

Hav.

I will not foyn, but I will beat you Sir.

Moth.

Why intermete of what thou hast to done;

So leteth me alone, 't shall be thy best.

Hav.

I fancy'd you a beating; you must have it.

You shall not say but I will shew you favour.

Choose where you will be hacked with my sword,

Or bruis'd by my Batton.

Moth.

Dre not thy true,

And paynant Morglay out of Shete. Lo thus

Eftsoons Sir Knight, I greet thee lowting low.

Hav.

Done lower yet.

Moth.

Rueth on my gray haires.

Hav.

Yet lower: so, then thus I do bestride thee.

Moth.

Tubal the sonne of Lamech did yfind

[Page 62] Musick by knocking Hammers upon Anviles;

Let go thine blows, thylke Art is no compleat.

Hav.

Dost thou make me a Smith thou Rogue? a Tubal?

Moth.

Harrow alas! flet England, flet England:

Dead is Edmond.

Hav.

Take that for history.

O brave Lieutenant now thy dinner works.

Mo.

I nis not Edmond Ironside God wot.

Ha.

More provocation yet? I'l seal thy lips.

Mo.

A twenty Devil way! So did the Saxon

Upon thylke plain of Sarum, done to death

By treachery, the Lords of merry Englond

Nem esur Saxes.

Have.

Villain dost abuse me

In unbaptized language? do not answer;

[Moth entreats by signs.

If that thou dost, by Iove I'l strangle thee.

Do you make mouths you Raskall thus at me?

You're at dumb Service now: why, this is more

Unsufferable than your old patch'd gibberish;

This silence is abuse. I'l send thee to

The Place of it, where thou shalt meet with Oswald,

Vortigern, Harold, Hengist, Horsey, Knute,

Alared, Edgar, and Cunobeline.

[Slic. Hear. step in.

Thus, thus I sheath my Sword.

Slic.

Redoubled Knight

Enough, 'tis thy foe doth vanquish'd lie

Now at thy mercy, mercy notwithstand,

For he is one the truest Knight alive,

Though conquer'd now he lie on lowly ground.

Ha.

Thou ow'st thy life to my Lieutenant, Caitife.

Breath and be thankfull.

Mo.

I reche not thine yeft;

Maugre thine head, algate I suffer none,

I am-thine lefe, thine deere, mine Potluck Jone.

Exeunt.

[Page 63]

ACT. IV. SCEN. III.

Andrew, Priscilla.

And.

FAirest of things—tralucent creature—Hang me

If I do know what's next.

Pris.

This meant to mee?

And.

Fairest of things— tralucent creature— rather

Obscured Deity—'Tis gone again.

Lady will you eat a peece of Gingerbread?

Pris.

You might have better manners than to scoff

One of my breeding.

An.

Heark; indad I love you.

Pris.

Alas!

An.

I vow I burn in love, as doth

A penny Faggot.

Pris.

Hey ho!

An.

And I shall

Blaze out Sir reverence if ye do not quench me.

Pris.

Indeed now?

An.

Though I say't that should not say't,

I am affected towards you strangely.

Pris.

Now who'd have thought it?

An.

There's a thing each night

Comes to my Bedshead and cries Matrimony,

Matrimony Andrew.

Pris.

God forbid.

An.

It is

Some Spirit that would joyn us.

Pri.

Goodly, goodly.

An.

Then do I shake all over.

Pris.

Doth it so?

An.

Then shake again.

Pris.

I pray you now.

[...]nd.

[Page 64]

Then cry

[...] of things—tralucent creature—rather

Obscured Deity, sweet M ^rs Jane,

I come I come.

Prisc.

Sweet Sir you are deceiv'd:

I'm but her woeman; here she comes her self.

[En. Mrs Ja.

And.

Now as my Father saith, I would I were

A Cucumber if I know what to doe.

Jan.

Why how now Pris? who's that that useth you

So lovingly?

And.

Fairest of things—'tis one

Tralucent Creature—'tis—Ay that it is

One—

Pris.

That would willingly run out of doores,

If that he had but Law enough.

And.

I say—

Jan.

Nay ben't afraid: here's none shall doe you harm.

An.

'Tis one that brought his Pigs to the wrong market.

You keep your woman here so fine, that I

Had like t' have made a proper businesse on't

Before I was aware. If any thing

Doe prove amisse, indeed-law you shall be

The Father on't. But know tralucent Creature

I am come off entire, and now am yours

Whole, Andrew Creaulous, your servants servant.

Jan.

Methinks you contradict your self: how can you

Be wholly mine, and yet my servants servant?

And.

I doe but complement in that (I see

Downright's the best way here) if thou canst love

I can love too. Law thee there now. I'm rich.

Jan.

I use not to look after riches; 'tis

The person that I aime at.

And.

That is me;

I'm proper, handsome faire, clean-limb'd: I'm rich.

Jan.

I must have one that can direct and guide me;

[Page 65] A Guardian rather than a Husband; for

I'm foolish yet.

An.

Now see the luck on't Lady

So am I too Ifaith.

Jan.

And who e'r hath me

Will find me to be one of those things which

His care must first reform.

An.

Do not doubt that;

I have a head for Reformation:

This noddle here shall do it. I am rich.

Jane.

Riches create no love; I fear you mean

To take me for formality only,

As some staid peece of housholdstuff perhaps

Fit to be seen 'mong other ornaments:

Or at the best I shall be counted but

A name of dignity; not entertain'd

For love but State; one of your train, a thing

Took to wipe off suspicion from some fairer

To whom you have vow'd Homage.

An.

Do not think

I've any Plots or Projects in my Head,

I will do any thing for thee that thou

Canst name or think on.

Pris.

Pray you try him Mistris,

By my Virginity I think hee'l flinch.

And.

By my Virginity (which is as good

As yours I'm sure) by my Virginity

If that we men have any such thing (as

We men haue such a thing) I do beleeve

I will not flinch. Alas! you don't know Andrew.

Jan.

Can you obtain but so much respite from

Your other Soverains service, as to keep

Your Eye from gazing on her for a while?

An.

If I do look on any woman, nay,

If I do cast a sheeps eye upon any

[Page 66] But your sweet self, may I lose one of mine:

Marry I'l keep the other howsoe'r.

Jane.

I know not how I may beleeve you; you'l

Swear you ne'r cast a glance on any, when

Your eye hath baited at each face you met.

An.

Blind me good now: being you mistrust, I will

Be blinded with this handkercheife; you shall

See that I love you now. So, let me have

But any reasonable thing to lead me home,

I do not care though 't be a Dog, so that

He knows the way, or hath the wit t' enquire it.

Jane.

That care Sir shall be mine.

[Ex. Iane, and Pris.

An.

I doubt not, but

I shall be in the Chronicle for this,

Or in a Balled else. This handkercheif

Shall be hung up i'th' Parish Church insteed

Of a great silken flag to fan my grave:

With my Arms in't, pourtray'd in good blew thread

With this word underneath: This, this was he

That shut his eyes because he would not see.

Hold who comes there?

[Ent. Mean. Shape.

Mean.

One Sir to lead you home.

An.

Who? Tutor Meanwell?

Sha.

Yes I do commit you

Shape counterfeits Mrs Janes voice.

Unto your trusty friend, If you perform

This vow we may—

An.

I'l say your sentence out,

Be man and wife.

Sha.

If you'l do something else

That I'l propose.

An.

Pray make your own conditions.

Sha.

You'l promise me you'l not be jealous of me?

An.

Do what you will I'l trust you.

Sha.

never hire

Any to tempt me?

An.

[Page 67]

By this light (I would say

By this darknesse) I never will.

Sha.

Nor mark

On whom I laugh?—

An.

No.

Sha.

Nor suspect My smiles,

My nods, my winks?—

An.

No, no.

Sha.

Nor yet keep count

From any Gallants visit?

An.

I'l ne'r reckon;

You shall do what you will.

Sha.

You'l never set

Great Chests and Formes against my Chamber Door,

Nor pin my smock unto your shirt a nights,

For fear I should slip from you ere you wake?

An.

As I do hope for Day I will not.

Sha.

Give me

Some small pledge from you to assure your love;

If that you yet prove false, I may have something

To witnesse your inconstancy. I'l take

This little Ruby: this small blushing stone

From your fair finger.

An.

Take it Sweet: there is

A Diamond in my Bandstring, if you have

A mind to that I pray make use of't too.

Sha.

In troth a stone of lustre, I assure you

It darts a pretty light, a veget spark;

It seems an Eye upon your Breast.

An.

Nay take it,

For loves sake take it then; leave nothing that

Looks like an Eye about me.

Sha.

My good Andrew,

'Cause of thy resolution, I'l perform

This office for thee. Take my word for't, this

[Page 68] Shall ne'r betray thee.

Ex. Shape.

An.

Farewell honest Jany,

I cannot see to thank thee my sweet Jany.

Tutor, your hand good Tutor, lead me wisely.

Mea.

Take comfort man; I have good news for thee:

Thine eyes shall be thine own before next morning.

Exeunt.

ACT IV. SCEN. IV.

Shape, Chirurgion, Mercer.

Sha.

HEe's a good friend of mine, and I presume

Upon your secresie.

Chi.

O Sir—the Deed

By which it came was not more close. D'y'think

I would undo me self by twitting? 'twere

To bring the Gallants all about mine Ears,

And make me mine own Patient. I'm faithfull,

And secret, though a Barber.

Sha.

Nay, but hear me;

Hee's very modest: 'twas his first attempt

Procur'd him this infirmity; he will

Be bashfull I am sure, and won't be known

Of any such thing at the first; you must

Be sure to put him to't.

Chi.

Let me alone,

He knows not yet the world I do perceive.

It is as common now with Gentlemen,

As 'tis to follow fashion; only here

Lyeth the difference, that they keep in this

A little longer. I shall have so much

Upon your word Sir?

Sha.

If you do perform

The cure by that time (twenty peeces Sir.)

[Page 69] You are content?

Mer.

Yes Sir.

Chi.

It shall be done

Ex. Shape.

According to your own prescription.

Sit down I pray you Sir, this Gentleman

Is a good friend of yours.

Mer.

Indeed he is

A very honest man as any one

Can wish to deal with verily.

Chi.

Beleeve't

He loves you very well.

Mer.

I am most ready

To do him any service truly; pray you

Good Brother don't delay me, I'm in haste.

Chi.

Indeed, and truly, verily good Brother;

How could these milk-sop words e'r get him company

That could procure the Pox? where do you feel

You grief most trouble you?

Mer.

I'm very well.

What mean you Brother?

Chi.

Nay, be not so modest;

'Tis no such hainous fault, as that you should

Seek thus to hide it: meer ill fortune only—

Mer.

Surely you do forget your self.

Chi.

Come, come,

He told me you'ld be shamefac'd; you must be

Wary hereafter.

Mer.

(I do perceive

He is a little mad indeed; the Gentleman

Told me so much just as I came along)

Yes, yes, I'l be wary, I'l take heed,

Come pray y' dispatch me.

Chi.

So, I like you now.

It is the custome of most Gentlemen

Not to confesse untill they feel their bones

[Page 70] Begin t' admonish 'em.

Mer.

You are i'th' right:

Good friend make haste; I've very urgent businesse.

Chi.

Not rashly neither; Is your Gristle sound?

Me thinks 'tis very firm as yet to th' touch.

You fear no danger there as yet Sir, do you?

Mer.

No, I'l assure you. (He must have his humour;

I see he is not to be cross'd.)

Chi.

When did you

Feel the first grudging on't? 'tis not broke out

In any place?

Mer.

No, no: I pray y' dispatch me.

Chi.

These things desire deliberation;

Care is requir'd.

Mer.

Good Brother go t'your Chest.

Chi.

How can I know what Med'cines to apply,

If that you tell me not where lies your grief?

Mer.

Nay good now let me go.

Chi.

I must not Sir,

Nor will not truly: trust me you will wish

You had confess'd and suffer'd me in time,

When you shall come to dry burnt Racks of Mutton,

The Syren, and the Tub.

Mer.

So now enough;

Pray fetch me what you promis'd.

Chi.

Are you wild,

Or mad? I do protest I ne'r did meet

A Gentleman of such perversnesse yet.

I find you just as I was told you should.

Mer.

I lose the taking, by my swear, of taking

As much, whiles that I am receiving this.

Chi.

I will not hinder you, if that you do

Prefer your gain before your health.

Mer.

Well then

I pray you tell it out; we Tradesmen are not

[Page 71] Masters of our own time.

Chi.

What would you have?

Mer.

What would I have? as if you did not know;

Come come leave jesting now at last good Brother.

Chi.

I am in earnest Sir.

Mer.

Why, I would have

My money Sir, the twenty peeces that

The Gentleman did give you order now

To pay me for the Velvet, that he bought

This morning of me.

Chi.

O! the Gentleman—

Mer.

You should not make a laughing stock good Brother

Of one that wrongs you not; I do professe

I won't be fubb'd ensure your self.

Chi.

The Gentleman!

Oh! oh! the Gentleman! is this the cure

I should perform? truly I dare not venture

Upon such de sperate Maladies.

Mer.

You are

But merrily dispos'd?

Chi.

Indeed they are

Too high for my small Quality; verily

Perhaps good Brother you might perish under

Mine hands truly; I do profess I am not

Any of your bold Mountebanks in this.

Mer.

You're still dispos'd—

Chi.

To laugh at you good Brother.

Gull'd by my swear, by my swear gull'd; he told me

You had a small infirmity upon you,

A griefe of youth, or two; and that I should

Have twenty peeces for the cure. He ask'd you

If that you were content, you answered yes.

I was in hope I'd gain'd a Patient more;

Your best way is to make haste after him.

Mer.

Now could I beat my self for a wise fool

[Page 72] That I was, thus to trust him.

Exit.

Chi.

B'w'y' Brother.

'Fore God a good one. O! the Gentleman.

Ex laughing.

ACT. IV. SCEN. V.

Rimewell, Bagshot, Catchmey, Sir Christopher; A Song at a window; congratulating (as they think) Mr Meanwels Marriage.

1
Whiles early light springs from the skies,
A fairer from your Bride doth rise;
A brighter Day doth thence appear,
And make a second morning there:
Her blush doth shed
All o'r the bed,
Clean shamefac'd beames
That spread in streames,
And purple round the modest aire.

2
I will not tell what shreeks, and cries,
What Angry Dishes, and what ties,
What pretty oaths then newly born
The listning Taper heard there sworn:
Whiles froward she
Most peevishly
Did yielding fight
To keep o'r night
What shee'd have profer'd you ere morn.

3
Faire, we know, maids do refuse
To grant what they do come to lose.
Intend a Conquest you that wed;
They would be chastly ravished.
Not any kisse


[Page 73] From Mrs 
Pris,
If that you do
Perswade and woe.
Know pleasure's by extorting fed.

4
O may her arms wax black and blew
Only by hard encircling you:
May she round about you twine
Like the easie twisting Vine;
And whiles you sip
From her full lip
Pleasures as new
As morning Dew,
Let those soft Tyes your hearts combine.

Sing.

God give you joy Mr Meanwell. God give your Worship good morrow.

Rim.

Come let's be going.

Chr.

Hold, a blow I'l have,

One jerk at th' times, wrap'd in a benediction

O'th' Spouses teeming, and I'l go with you.

A Song.NOw thou our future Brother,
That shalt make this Spouse a Mother,
Spring up, and 
Dod's blessing on't.
Shew thy little sorrell Pate
And prove regenerate
Before thou be brought to the Font.
May the Parish Surplice be
Cut in peeces quite for thee,
To wrap thy soft body about;
So 'twill better service do
Reformed thus into


[Page 74] The state of an Orthodox Clout.
When thou shalt leave the Cradle,
And shalt begin to waddle,
And trudge in thy little Apron;
Mayst thou conceive a grace
Of half an hours space,
And rejoice in thy Friday Capon.
For an errour that's the Flocks
Name Mr 
Paul, but urge St 
Knoxe;
And at every reform'd Dinner,
Let cheese come in, and preaching,
And by that third Course teaching,
Confirm an unsatisfi'd Sinner.
Thence grow up to hate a Ring,
And defie an offering:
And learn to sing what others say.
Let Christ-tide be thy fast,
And lent thy good repast:
And regard not an Holy day.

Enter Constable and Assistants.

Con.

Lay hold on them; lay hold on them I say:

I'l hamper them.

Cat.

Hell take your headlong zeale;

You must be jerking at the times forsooth.

I am afraid the times will scape, and we

The men of them shall suffer now the scourge.

Con.

Let none escape.

Chri.

'Twas godliness verily:

It was a Hymn I warbled.

Con.

Thou dost lye,

It was no Hymn, it was a Song. Is this

Your filthy Rendevow? you shall be taught

Another tune.

Chr.

I do beseech you shew

[Page 75] Mercifull cruelty, and as 'twere a kind

Of pittifull hard heartednesse. I'm strong.

They bring in Andrew, and Priscilla.

Con.

I'm glad you told me so, I will provide

Your Ward accordingly. Drag 'em out both.

An.

Let me but send to th' Ordinary.

Pri.

You shall not,

The Ord'nary hath sent to you: No Baile,

I will take none. I'l suffer no such sneaks

As you, t'offend this way. It doth belong

T'your Betters Sir.

An.

Here's a sufficient Man

I do assure you, take my word for that.

Con.

This staff was made to knock down sin. I'l look

There shall be no Advowtry in my Ward

But what is honest. I'l see Justice done

As long as I'm in office. Come along.

Exeunt.

ACT. V. SCENE I.Sir 
Thomas Bitefig as sick, 
Iane.
Sr 
Tho.
NOw that I have made ev'n Girl, with Heav'n.
Though I am past the worst, and I perceive
My dinner only griev'd me, yet 'cause Life's
Frail, and uncertain, let me counsell thee,
'Tis good to be before hand still. First then
I charge thee lend no money; next serve God;
If ever thou hast Children teach 'em thrift;
They'l learn Religion fast enough themselves.
Nay, do not weep but hearken. When Heav'n shall
Please to call in this Weary Soul of mine,
Ben't idle in expence about my Burial;

[Page 76]Buy me a shroud, any old sheet will serve
To cloath corruption; I can rot without
Fine linnen; 'tis but to enrich the Grave,
And adorn stench, no reverence to the dead,
To make 'em crumble more luxuriously.
One Torch will be sufficient to direct
The footsteps of my Bearers. If there be
Any so kind as to accompanie
My body to the Earth, let them not want
For entertainment, prethee see they have
A sprig of Rosemary dip'd in common water,
To smell to as they walk along the streets.
Eatings and drinkings are no obsequies.
Raise no oppressing Pile to load my Ashes;
But if thou'l needs b' at charges of a Tomb,
Five or six foot of common stone engrav'd
With a good hopefull word, or else a couple
Of capital letters filled up with pitch,
Such as I set upon my Sheep, will serve;
State is not meet for those that dwell in dust.
Mourn as thou pleasest for me, plainness shews
True grief: I give thee leave to do it for
Two or three years, if that thou shalt think fit.
'Twill save expence in cloaths. And so now be
My blessing on thee, and my means hereafter.
Jan.
I hope Heav'n will not deal so rigidly
With me, as to preserve me to th' unmelcome
Performance of these sad injunctions.

[Page 77]

ACT V. SCEN. II.

To them Meanwell.

Mean.

GOod health unto you Sir.

Sr Tho.

I have the more

By reason of the care you took in sending

A Confessor unto me.

Mean.

I? a Confessor?

Sure there is some design, some trick or other

Put on you by those men, who never sleep

Unless they've cheated on that Day.

Sir Tho.

I hope

You do mean your Partners my good friends?

Mean.

They ne'r deserve the name of friends, they do

Covet, not love. If any came from them,

It was some Vulture in a holy habit,

Who did intend your Carkasse, nor your safety;

Indeed I know not of't, I've all this while

Appear'd another to you than I am.

Discloseth himself.

Perhaps you know me now. I'm he whom you

Pleas'd to forbid your house, whom Mr Credulous

Takes leave to stile lost man, and Vagabond.

Sr Tho.

That I forbad you Sir my house was only

In care to my Daughter, not in hate to you.

Mean.

That I frequented it without your leave,

Was both in love to you, and to your Daughter;

That I have all this while liv'd thus disguis'd,

Was only to avert the snare from you,

Not to intrap you; that you might not be

Blinded by those, who like to venemous Beasts,

Have only sight to poyson; that you might not

Ruine your Daughter in a complement.

Sir Tho.

This may b' your plot, and this discoverie

[Page 78] Feign'd only to secure your own designs:

For 't cannot sink into me that they durst

Make mirth of my repentance, and abuse

My last devotion with a Scene of Laughter.

Mean.

They dare beyond your thought. When parted this

Your Confessor?

Sr Tho.

You could not chuse but meet him,

He is scarce yet at home.

Mean.

If that you dare

But venture with me home, I'l almost promise

I'l make it plain they've put a trick upon you.

Sr Tho.

Though every step were so much toward my grave

I'd tread them o'r with comfort that I might

Discover this religious villany.

Exeunt.

ACT V. SCEN. III.

Hearsay, Slicer, and Shape in his Confessors habit.

Hear.

COme my good Vulture speak what prey? what mirth?

Slic.

What income my dear holiness? what sport?

Sha.

Give me the Chair; imagine me the Knight

(When I sit down,) and (when I stand) the Confessor.

As he is thus acting, Meanwell and Sir Thomas discover themselves above.

Thus I come in peace to thy soul good Son,

(Tis you must give it Father; I am ill,

I'm very ill; sit only now for Heav'n.

My Soul would fain be flying, were't not for

A Sin or two that clogs her.) But for a sin

Or two that clogs her? take heed, don't so neer

Your last deliverance play the Sophister

With Heav'n. A sin or two? why, I've heard say

[Page 79] You're wont to skrew your wretched Tenants up

To th' utmost farthing, and then stand upon

The third Rent Capon. Then he answers me

In the small dolfull tune of a Country wench

Examin'd by th' Officiall, for the mischance

Of a great belly caught at a Whitsonale;

(I could not help it.) Then it is your costome

When you invite, to think your meat laid out,

You write your Beef disburs'd, are wont to call

For the return of 't just, as for a debt;

(True.) That two Chimneys ne'r yet smok'd at once

In all your Buildings; (All most true.) That you

Are wont to keep an untouch'd Capon, till

Corruption makes it able to walk out

And visit the Barn Door again: I could

Say much more, but I'd rather have you

Come so much nearer pardon, as t'accuse

Your self by your own mouth.

Slic.

How grave the Rogue was?

Sha.

(I'l do 't as strictly as mine Enemy.)

Sir Tho.

I cannot hold; I'l break in as I am,

And take my vengeance whiles my furie's hot.

Mean.

Repress it Sir a while; h' hath but begun.

Sha.

Then thus he dralls it out. (I do confess

I've been addicted to frugality.)

Son do not mince; pray call it Covetousness.

( Imprimis It hath ever been my custome

To ride beyond an Inn to save my horse meat.

Item, When once I had done so, and found

No entertainment, I beguild the children

Of their parch'd pease, my Man being left to that

We make the embleme of mortality:)

What? grass you mean? (or sweet Hay which you please.)

Hear.

Me thinks this 's truly coming to a Reckoning,

[Page 80] He doth account for's sins with Item so.

Sha.

( Item I've often bought a Cheapside Custard,

And so refresh'd my soul under my Cloak,

As I did walk the streets.) Cloaking of sins,

Although they be but eating sins, I do

Pronounce most dangerous. (I find this so,

I'd almost lost mine Eyes by't being justled.)

Slic.

O thou rich soul of Roguery.

Shap.

(Moreover

I once sung Psalmes with Servants where I lodg'd,

And took part with 'em in their lovely Reliques;

Truly my soul did lust, they were Temptations.)

What sing that you might eat? It is the sin

O'th'Brethren Son; but that their Reliques are

Whole widows houses.

Hear.

O thou preaching Devill!

Sha.

( Item I enter'd into a Chandlers shop,

And eat my bread in secret, whiles my man

Fed on the wholsome steem of Candle sewet.

Item, which grieves me most, I did make bold

With the Black Puddings of my needy Taylor;

Satan was strong, they did provoke me much.)

Sr Tho.

Wretch that I was to trust my bosome to

One so exactly bad, that if the book

Of all mens lives lay open to his view

Would meet no sin unpractis'd by himself.

I will rush in.

Mean.

Good Sir keep close a while,

Sha.

I see no tears, no penetentiall tears.

(Alas! I cannot weep, mine Eyes are Pumice.

But Alms I hope may yet redeem.) Alms giv'n

In a large manner Son. (Won't fifty pounds

Wipe off my score?) If doubled't may do something.

(Can I be sav'd no cheaper? take this then

And pray for me.) With that I thus dismiss'd him.

[Page 81] Blest Son, for now I dare pronounce thee blest,

Being thou'st powr'd thus out thy soul— The wolf!

The wolf! 'sfoot peace, we're in the noose:

We are betrai'd, yon's Meanwell and the Knight—

Truly he is as good a man as any

I ever yet confess'd—don't look that way—

A very honest charitable man,

Full of sincerity, and true devotion.

Sr Tho.

Patience it self would now turn furious,

Let's for some Officers.

Ex. Sir Tho. and Mean.

Sha.

Discover'd all!

Religion is unluckie to me.

Hear.

Man!

Perfidious man! there is no trust in thee!

Slic.

I never lik'd this Meanwell; I did alwaies

See treachery writ in's forehead: I well hop'd

H'ad been in Prison with his wench.

Sha.

leave railing.

Along with me. There is left one way more;

The Cat may yet perhaps light on all foure.

Exeunt.

ACT. V. SCEN. IV.

Sir Thomas Bitefig, Meanwell, Constable, Watchmen.

Sir Tho.

VVHat gone? upon my life they did mistrust.

Mean.

They are so beaten that they smell an Officer,

As Crows do Powder.

Sr Tho.

Watchman call you forth

The Mistris of the house, Imprimis, for

Ex. Officer.

They have their lurking hole near hand most certain.

Enter Moth, and Potluck as Man and Wife.

Mo.

Denuncio vobis gaudium magnum,

Robertus de Tinea electus est in sedem Hospitalem,

[Page 82] Et assumit sibi nomen Galfridi.

Joy comes to our house. I Robert Moth am

Chesen into thylk Hospitall seat▪

Thylk Bason of Jone Potluck, Vintners Widow▪

And do transmue my name to Giffery.

New foysons byn ygraced with new Titles.

Come buss.

Pot.

Fie! Mr Giffery I swear

You make m' asham'd 'fore all this Company.

Sir Tho.

Sir, if you be the Master of this house,

You've harbor'd here a company of cheating Villains,

Which we are come to apprehend.

Pot.

Pray y' look,

Search every Corner, here's no cheats. I'm sure

The house was clear before your Worship entred.

Con.

Make fast the Doors for fear they do escape.

Let's in and ferret out these cheating Rakehels.

As the Watchmen go in and out about the Rooms Hearsay, Slicer, and Shape mingle themselves with 'em, being accounted Watchmen, and so pass without discovery.

Enter 1. Watchman, and Hearsay.

1 Watch.

'Tis very certain they are not in the house.

Sr Tho.

They had no time to get away.

Hear.

Why then,

It may be being they are such cunning Fellows,

They have the trick of going invisible.

Enter 2▪ Watchman, and Slicer.

2 Watch.

There's no place left unsearch'd but Pots and Mouseholes.

Slic.

They're either gone or in the House that's certain.

2 Watchm.

That cannot be; the Doors were shut I'm sure,

And so they could not get out; the Rooms then are

All search'd, and so they cannot be within.

Slic.

[Page 83]

I'l lay my neck to a farthing, then they're vanish'd.

Hear.

Sunk like the Queen, they'l rise at Queenhive sure.

Enter Constable, and other Watchmen, and Shape among 'em, bringing in Credulous, and Caster.

Sha.

Most certain these are two of them: for this▪

Old Knave, I'l take my Oath that he is one.

Con.

Confess, confess, where are your other Comrads?

Cre.

I am as honest as the skin that is

Between thy Brows?

Con.

What skin between my Brows?

What skin thou knave? I am a Christian;

And what is more, a Constable; what skin?

Sr Tho.

You are mistaken friends.

Con.

I cry you mercy.

Sha.

The Constable may call you any thing

In the Kings name upon suspicion.

Sr Tho.

We're cheated friends; these men o'th' Ordnary

Have gull'd us all this while, and now are gone.

Cast.

I am undon. Ne'r let me live if that

I did not think th' would gull me, I perceive

Fansie doth much; see how 'tis come to pass.

Cred.

Where is my Son God blesse him? where is Andrew?

Pray God they have not taken him along;

He hath a perilous wit to be a cheat;

He'd quickly come to be his Majesties Taker.

Con.

I took one Andrew Credulous this morning

In dishonest Adultery with a Trull.

And if he be your Son he is in Prison.

Cred.

Their villany o' my life. Now as I am

A Freeman and a Grocer, I had rather

Have found forty pounds; I pray go fetch him.

Ex. officer.

Sr Tho.

I'm sorry that your Son takes these lewd courses;

He is not fit to make a Husband of.

Cre.

[Page 84]

Do not condemn before you hear. I'l warrant

Though he be guilty yet hee's innocent.

Enter Have at all.

Mo.

Hent him, for dern love Hent him; I done drad

His Visage foul, yfrounct with glowing eyn.

Have.

I come t' excuse my ruder usage of you.

I was in drink when that I did it: 'twas

The Plot of those base Knaves, I hear are gone,

To teach me valour by the strength of Wine;

Naming that courage which was only fury.

It was not wilfully.

Mo.

I do not reche

One bean for all. This Buss is a blive guerdon.

Hence Carlishnesse yferre. 'Tis a sooth saw,

Had I but venged all mine herme,

Mine Cloak had not been furred half so werme.

Enter Officers with Andrew, Priscilla, and the four that were taken at the Window singing.

Cre.

Now Sir you shall hear all. Come Andrew tell me,

How camst thou hither?

An.

Truly Mr Meanwel

Told me that I should meet with M ^rs Jane,

And there I found her Chamber-maid.

Cre.

D'y' see?

Your Chamber-maid Sir Thomas; out you whore.

An.

Take heed what you say Father, shee's my wife.

Cre.

I would thou'rt in thy grave, then 'twere the better

Fortune o'th' two.

Pris.

Indeed this reverend Man

Joyn'd us i'th' Prison.

Chr.

Marriage is a Bond,

So no place fitter to perform it in.

Sr Tho.

Send for my Daughter hither, wee'l know all.

What are you Sir?

Chr.

A workman in the Clergie.

Con.

[Page 85]

Yes, this is one I took at th' Window singing,

With these three other vagrant Fellows here.

Chri.

I was in body there, but not in mind,

So that my sin is but inchoately perfect,

And I though in a fault did not offend,

And that for three reasons. First, I did yield

Only a kind of unwilling consent.

Secondly, I was drawn as 'twere by their

Impulsive gentleness. Mark Sir I'm strong.

Thirdly, I deem'd it not a womans-shambles:

Fourthly and lastly, that I sung was only

An holy wish. Once more Beloved.

Sr Tho.

Peace!

Y'have said enough already. How came you

To sing beneath the Window?

Rime.

Mr Hearsay

Told us that Mr Meanwell was new married,

And thought it good that we should gratifie him,

And shew our selves to him in a Festennine.

Cre.

That Raskall Meanwel was the cause of all,

I would I had him here.

Sr Tho.

Why? this is he,

Sr Robert Littleworth his Son, he hath

Disclos'd their vilanies; he is no cheat.

Mean.

God save you Mr Credulous; you have

Forgotten me perhaps, I'm somewhat chang'd,

You see your lost man's found; your Vagabond

Appears at last.

Cre.

Go, you are a gibing scab:

Leave off your flouting; you're a beardless Boy;

I am a Father of Children.

Mean.

And your Son

Will be so shortly, if he han't ill luck.

To vex you more, that hundred pounds you sent

To Mr Caster, Shape i'th' habit of

[Page 86] A Country fellow gull'd you of.

Cred.

That Raskall;

Thou shewst thy wit t' abuse an old man thus.

As God shall mend me I will hamper thee.

Thou'st been disguis'd here all this while, thou hast;

Would I were braid in mine own morter, if

I do not call th' in Question the next Terme

For counterfeiting of the Kings Subjects.

Come away from him Sirrah, come along.

Ex. Cred. And. Prisc.

Mean.

There's a Trunk they've left behind; I have

Seiz'd it for you; so that you'l be no loser.

Sir Tho.

If you can find a way whereby I may

Reward this courtesie of yours, I shall

Confess my self engaged doubly to you,

Both for the benefit and its requitall.

Ent. Jane.

Mean.

The appearance of your Daughter here suggests

Something to ask, which yet my thoughts call boldness.

Sir Tho.

Can she suggest yet any good, that is

So expert grown in this flesh Brokery?

Mean.

O do not blot that Innocence with suspicion,

Who never came so neere a blemish yet,

As to b' accus'd. To quit you of such thoughts

I did receive a tempting letter from

That Strumpet that's gone out (as sin is bold

To try even where no hope is) I made promise,

But to secure my self, and withall sound

Th' affections of young Credulous unto

Your vertuous Daughter, told him he should meet her

Where I agreed to meet her Chambermaid.

The blame must all be mine.

Sr Tho.

'Tis her deliverance.

Shee hath escap'd two Plagues, a lustfull fool.

Mean.

I dare not challenge her I do confess,

As a reward due to my service, and

[Page 87] If you deny her me, assure your self

I'l never draw her from obedience:

I will not love her to procure her ruine,

And make m' affection prove her Enemy.

Sr Tho.

You speak most honestly, I never did

Think ill of your intents, but alwaies gave

A testimony to your life as large

As were your merits. But your fortunes are

Unequal, there's the want.

Mean.

What's there defective

Love shall supply: True, Mr Credulous

Is a rich man, but yet wants that which makes

His riches usefull, free discretion.

He may be something in the Eye o'th' World;

But let a knowing man that can distinguish

Between Possessions, and good parts, but view him,

And prize impartially, he will be rated

Only as Chests, and Caskets, just according

To what he holds. I valew him, as I

Would an Exchequer, or a Magazine.

He is not vertuous, but well stor'd, a thing

Rather well victuall'd then well qualified.

And if you please to cast your Eye on me,

Some moneys will call back my Fathers Lands

Out of his lime-twig fingers, and I shall

Come forth as gay as he.

Sr Tho.

I'l strive no longer

For fear I seem t'oppose felicity.

If shee'l give her consent y'are one.

Jan.

It is

The voice of Angels to me: I had thought

Nothing in all the store of nature could

Have added to that love, wherewith I do

Reverence that name, my Father, till that you

Spoke this.

Sir Tho.

[Page 88]

I know your former Loves; grow up

Into an aged pair, yet still seem young.

May you stand fresh, as in your Pictures still,

And only have the reverence of the Aged.

I thank you for your pains Mr Constable,

You may dismiss your Watch now.

Sha.

A pox on't!

That after all this ne'r a man to carry

To Prison? must poor Tradesmen be brought out

And no body clap'd up?

Mean.

That you mayn't want

Employment, friends take this I pray and drink it?

Sli.

Sir, when y'are cheated next we are your servants—

Ex. all but Shape, Hear, Slic.

ACT V. SCEN. V.

Shape, Slicer, Hearsay.

Sha.

LYe thou there Watchman; how the knave that's look'd for

May often lurck under the Officer!

Invention I applaud thee.

Hear.

London aire

Me thinks begins to be too hot for us.

Slic.

There is no longer tarrying here, let's swear

Fidelity to one another, and

So resolve for New England.

Hear.

'Tis but getting

A little Pigeon-hole reformed Ruff—

Slic.

Forcing our Beards into th'Orthodox bent—

Sha.

Nosing a little Treason 'gainst the King;

Bark something at the Bishops, and we shall

Be easily receiv'd.

Hear.

No fitter Place.

[Page 89] They are good silly People; Souls that will

Be cheated without trouble: One eye is

Put out with Zeal, th' other with Ignorance,

And yet they think they're Eagles.

Sha.

We are made

Just fit for that Meridian: no good work's

Allow'd there; Faith, Faith is that they call for,

And we will bring it 'em.

Slic.

What Language speak they?

Hear.

English, and now and then a Root or two

Of Hebrew, which wee'l learn of some Dutch Skipper

That goes along with us this Voyage; Now

We want but a good Wind, the Brethrens sighs

Must fill our sailes. For what old England won't

Afford, New England will. You shall hear of us

By the next Ship that comes for Proselytes.

Each soyl is not the good mans Country only;

Nor is the lot his to be still at home:

Wee'l claime a share, and prove that Nature gave

This Boon, as to the good, so to the knave.

Exeunt.

[Page 90]

The EPILOGUE.

Shap.

VVE have escap'd the Law, but yet do feare

Something that's harder answer'd, your sharp Eare.

O for a present slight now to beguile

That, and deceive you but of one good smile!

'Tis that must free us; th' Author dares not look

For that good fortune to be sav'd by's Book.

To leave this blessed soyle is no great woe;

Our griefe's in leaving you, that make it so.

For if you shall call in those Beames you lent,

'Twould ev'n at Home create a Banishment.

FINIS.

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