A CHARITABLE CHVRCH WARDEN.
OR, An Hypocrite Anatomiz'd.
Set forth in a Discourse betweene two Church-wardens, one of them being an honest man, and that's a wonder.
VVherein is discovered the manifold abuses and impious Actions of many Officers in this City, with the oppression of the poores Box, frequently used by many Church-wardens, especially by him which is here mentioned.
Very pleasant and delectable, and very true i'le assure you, as Master Coniwooll the Church-warden can witnesss.
Written by Thomas tell-troth, and dedicated to all those that are well-willers to vertue, and despisers of vice.
LONDON, Printed for JOHN THOMAS. 1641.
The Charitable Church-wardens,
WEll met Mr. Coniwooll? whether away so fast this melancholy morning.
Troth neighbour, J am going to get a protection, or a Iustices warrant.
What's the matter man?
J [...]e tell you Neighbour, you know that last winter coales were extreame deare, and our Parishoners being charitably dispos'd laid in thirty chaldron of coals at their owne charge for the reliefe of the poore, and because J could get no sellering so convenient for my owne benifit J laid them in my owne, and alack you know wee poore Churchwardens take all and pay all, we beare all the burthen of the Parish upon our backs, therefore J thought best now while J had the staffe in my own hand, to make use of time, and get something by my place, and yet as J am an honest man J sold the poore folks them at a reasonable rate, they gave me but sixteene-pence a bushell.
What did they cost you?
Why truly Neighbour they cost me (as I am an honest man seven pence a bushel, J got but poore 9. pence in a bushell.
was not that enough Neighbour?
On my honesty neighbour 'twas very reasonable, and yet these beggerly Rogues are not content, but abuse me, and throw durt upon my hats, nay the dagletaile water bearers threaten to scratch my eyes out, nay my seven [Page]starres are so imbrodered with kennell-durt, that they appeare like so many broken Citizens muffled in blacke cloaks to hide them from the phangs of Tripes & his griping associates and long nayl'd Griffins, wherefore J intend to go; to a Justice that promised me not (Long) agoe to stand my friend and bind them all to the peace.
Believe him not, he durst not doe it, he dares not take your part in so vnjust a cause.
Is it not just that every one should live by his calling, am not I call'd to be a Churchwarden, and when did your ever know but that the Churchwardē shar'd with the poore, shall a man have a place and shall he not make a benefit of it.
But Neighbour such benifit will turne to losse in the end, the curses of the poore are like killing plagues theirs no resisting of them.
Tut, tut, tell not me of their curses, what care I if they starve so that I have enough, what care I if they sit and blow their fingers for want of fire, so I have coales, yet if they will give me my price I care not if I trust any poore man for halfe a bushell, provided that they leave me a sufficient pawne, the times are dangerous, and I am loath to be a looser by my love.
Well Brother, J am sorry to heare your resolution, but pray tell me whē you were overseer for the poore, how did you order your sums of mony that were gathered.
By rates, and that which was given on Communion dayes, then Brother are you to learne that, at these yeares, ile tell you every inf [...]rior Office from the under Beadle to the Doctor of the Parish is perfect in that quaint mysterie.
Pray relate it.
As for monies gathered by rates, that we for the [Page]more glosse to colour our proceeding, distribute justly to the poore according to their necessities, because they partly know to what valew the rates amount, onely now and then we share a crowne or an Angell, for expences spent in our Circuits, though perhaps wee spend not above six pence, alas Brother you know the labourer is worthy of his hire.
But for the other monies which is gathered on Communion dayes.
That is equally shar'd amongst the poore Officers, alas; Sack must be had in the morning to make us speake cleare and cry, Pray remember the Poore, heartily, and then at noone a cup of burn't wine to warme us after wee have stood an houre in the cold, alas Brother, our places are chargeable, and therefore we had need have some cō mings in, should the poore have all and wee none, they would be rich, and then wee should be poore Churchwardens indeed.
J have often wondred indeed, that men have been so ambitious to get Offices, which J conceived could not choose but be very expensive and laborious, but never knew till now what the reason was, I had thought it had bin a charitable disposition that induc't them to take upon them so troublesome a Stewardship.
No no brother you are deceived, 'tis no such matter, 'tis ambition to have our wives pleased, who are never content though we doe as much as possible wee can our selves, and winke at their doings abroad, yet if they be not exalted as high as their Husbands crests, they never leave pouting, and perhaps scolding too at their Husbands want of sufficiency (of wit J meane)
Speake you by experience Master Coniwooll, was your wife guilty that way.
O abhominably, she was never quiet till shee had the title of Mrs. Churchwardon, that she might take the [Page]upper hand of her betters, and sit in the chiefe places at Gossipings and Feasts, then flew my stock for this taffata Petty-coate, and that lac't Gorget, that I protest to you Neighbour as I am an honest man, had not the poores box helpt me and lent me money a matter of five and twenty times in one yeare, J had been as poore as Iob, and as low a Rascall as ever lay under a Hedge.
It seemes neighbour the poores box ha's bin a true friend to you, that ha's furnisht you upon all occasions.
J protest to you in sincerity, it ha's been an indifferent friend, but I have had many strings to my Bow. For I had the fortune to be made Executor to a good Gentleman, he left me a brace of thousand pounds, Heaven rest his soule, but J thanke my wit J increast it, for every Legacy that he gave, I detained in my hands some twelve moneths, putting them off with faire promises, and that I could not get in debts, then after J had made use of the money a matter of a twelve moneth, I payd them their moneys all in farthings a crowne seal'd up together, and out of every crowne I gelded a shilling.
But would they take them, were they content with farthings.
Content or not, it is all one to me if they would take & give me a discharge they might, if not they should not get a crosse, tush, I knew them poore, and should they goe to Law i'de make their Legacies serve to fee some clubfisted Lawyer, and hold them play with their owne moneys.
But doe not you thinke of death, your ill-got goods will never thrive, besides doe not you feare to boast these actions, your Parishioners by your owne words may overthrow you, and force you to make a restitution.
J let them, alas they dare not, they are as deep themselves, [Page]besides the Masters of our Parish you know, are of my profession and J can plague them, J know they doe not love me, but they dare not displease or taxe my actions, because themselves are guilty of the same.
Pray sir relate, how you can curbe them, and keepe them so in Awe.
J shall sir, J have a Pattent lately granted, me, to buy, ingrosse, and sell all sorts of Coniwooll which make our Castors, nor can they buy a hand full in the City but what they fetch from me, at such a rate as J shall please to afford to sell them at, and should they mutter at my equall share, or weekes allowance from the Poore-mans box, i'de so torment them with my Coniwooll, there should not be a Castor in the Kingdome but what my shop should utter.
Believe me a rare Project.
A Project, the Abel-Alderman was but an Asse to me, J have got more by my Pattent in one moneth, then ever he shall doe as long as he lives, although he should broach his owne Hogshead, and Kilverts to boote, tush ther's ne're a state informer of them all that J feare, ile live secure and merrily, and brother be rul'd by me, you are but newly come to your place, but if you'le come to my house, I will give you such directions, as J warrant, you although the poore curse you, the curse of poverty shall never fall upon you.
Well neighbour, J will come and see you.
You shall be kindly welcome, I must away to find my Iustice, I feare J have stay'd to (Long) and then those beggerly Rogues will scape his powdering tub, farewell neighbour, farewell.
Ill shall hee fare, that takes thy councell, had J not beleeved it; well my faire Haberdasher, it shall goe hard but il'e spoyle your proceeding, [Page]and be a meanes to right the poore, which in this City suffers under the tyranie of such irreligious Officers, but first il'e goe and deliver a Coppy of these abuses to the higher Powers, and I will come a witnesse against this gryping Haberdasher, It's not his lease for a long life shall secure him, if I prevaile, and that the poore obtaine what I desire.