I Know not yet what Travel means, if he that leaves his Native soyl, to pass but into another Country, or over a Neighbour-river (admit it be the Rhine or the Tweed) deserve the name (as vulgar opinion seems to allow) whereas he never changes either Skie, Air, or Soyl: I see not (if this be true) any profit, or any [Page 4] [...] [Page 5] [...] [Page 2] worth in the World contained in Travel. My Parents and my friend at Mount-auban have written very often for my return, as though were far from them: whereas I (be­lieve me) have imagined my self fo [...] two whole years there, as if I ha [...] been at home: for how little a way is it from Mount-auban to Paris from Paris to Callis, from Callis to Dover! truly when I think of the Land, it seems about an elle; in the Map, a fingers breadth; in the form of the Heavens, just nothing. Not see I any reason why that England should be held my native soyl more then all Europe: for if you stand upon diversity of Language, how many Languages differ from ours If the conditions of the Nation move ye, view not Europe, but view the whole world, and every Pro­vince thereof, leaning to the qua­lities of those that adjoyn to it; at the Polypus is said to change to the [Page 3] colour of every stone she comes neer. Turn you therefore which way you will, I cannot see how this half a foot travel can benefit us any way. In­deed I hold, that our Drake and our Candish were Travellers, as also Se­bastiano Delcano the Portuguess, be­cause their Voyages put girdles a­bout the whole World: nay, I will allow Christopher Collono that name also, for his discovery of the West-Indies; Francesco Piccaro, and Al­magro, for Peru; Hernando Magel­lano, for the Molucca's; and Sir Hugh Willoughby, for his Northern disco­veries; together with all such as have found out unknown Regions, or have reduced them to order. And truly (I will tell you plainly) my minde did prompt me to an enter­prise of this kinde, such a one as the world might gaze at, and all poste­rity record with admiration. He­roick thoughts having [...]ired my brest full often, and whilst others negle­cted [Page 4] them, have kindled a bold attempt in me, Methoughts I saw thes [...] unknown Lands, which no man s [...] much as dreamed of; which cause [...] me as chearfully to resolve to disco­ver them, for I could not do other wise then imagine but that they did lie towards the Cape of Good-Hope Valiant Country-men, we mus [...] hope, and we must dare. Bug-bear [...] of dangers are onely sit to frigh [...] Babies, whereas they do but ani­mate bolder spirits; if we should stick at them, we should never look out at our own doors. This was the cause that America was so long un­known; and had been still (fo [...] ought I see) had not a Dove been sent as it were from Heaven, which plucking off the Olive-branch from this Continent, taught us by that, that there was more Land, and les [...] Sea then we dreamed of. O how sacred shall his name be to all poste­rity! his Statue shall be advanced for [Page 5] us to gaze upon, and to remain whilst the Earth keeps her founda­tion. It is as great a glory (think I) to be called The new Worlds Disco­verer, as her Conqueror. And why may not we have the same success, and the like glory? I am verily per­swaded, that the large Continent that Seneca prophesied of, is yet un­discovered, and remains to yeild us this honour, if we dare venture on it. I do not question but that there are some will follow me in this my late famous enterprize; for whose grea­ter delight and encouragement, I have written this discovery, which I present to the world in this follow­ing Relation.

After I had taken leave of my friends and acquaintance, I embark­ed at All winds Port, in a Ship called the Fancie: we say led very prospe­rously for some days; at length we fell into a Current which our Pilots [Page 6] were not acquainted with; and be­ing unable to resist its impetuosity, we were hurried to a Land which had not yet been discovered. As soon as we had cast anchor there, it being very secure riding all about, we sent Captain Young on shore, with two of our best Souldiers, Merry man and Good fellow, to discover what they could of the Country: from whom after a short space for their return, we had this following Relation, That this new discovered part of the World was called Psittacorum Regio, or, Womandecoia the she-lands, which are in the Dominions of Prince de l' Amour, scituated towards the Cape of Good Hope, looking towards the Tropick of Capricorn [...]s; a Country replenished with many Fountains of Orange flower water, and Trees whose heads are ever green; and such a great quantity of Sweet William and Rosemary, that the very air is perfumed with it.

[Page 7]That the Grounds were fertile enough, but badly Husbanded (it being pity it should be otherwise, the men being so shrewdly wived) yet nevertheless, sometimes they are more fruitful then the inhabitants desire; for they bring forth before their time; and the fruit falling so plentifully before it is expected, doth cause very great differences, to the detriment and disquiet of the Publick good.

They acquainted us also, that before we could arrive at the She­lands, we must pass through several Provinces, both large and rich, yet all of several Conditions, Habits and Languages.

We could not but rest satisfied with their intelligence; wherefore (after we had taken care and well provided for our Ship) and refresh­ed our selves, we resolved to try our various Adventures. For my part, I so depended upon their re­lation, [Page 8] that I could not otherwise then believe that the Country was rather pleasant then dangerous; in somuch that I travelled so far into it without any conduct, that I mi­stook my way, but at last fortunate­ly discovered a strange Province called Gluttonia (High dyet being an introducer into Lasciviania) which is also in Prince de l' Amours Dominions.

The soyl of this Province is wor­thily admirable, the Air delicately temperate. O how it pitied me, that so bad Husbandmen should possess so fruitful and pleasant a habitation! In Latitude it lyeth full thirty two degrees, and in Longitude forty four: it joyns to Quaffonia, where they speak the same language, and are scituate in the same Longitude and Latitude: they have both one Prince, one Law; and a happy Re­formation (if there could be such a one) would make them concur both [Page 9] in Prince, Law, Habit and Manners. The She-Landresses of Woman-de­coia traffique much hither, but more to Lasciviania, where (when there is a truce between them and that Province) they use to make exchange by bartering of Christalline Glasses for Unguents and Pomanders.

To avoid prolixity, I shall here chiefly discourse of the present cu­stoms and manners of the Natives of this Country. Every Month they are bound by their Law (and would be so, were there no Law) to cele­brate a solemn Feast, where every Aldergut of the whole Society must present himself, all excuses and de­lays whatsoever set a part, to consult (after dinner; for before, it is unlaw­ful for any one to give his voice) a­bout the publick good. The place where they meet is Gurmonds-Hall: every one knoweth his seat, and hath his Jourdan or Chamber-pot standing by him, in a little Coffer [Page 10] made for the purpose. Well, being met, and having turned their Wine into Water, and their Oysters into Shells; every one takes his Chair, and to dinner they go. Their dain­tiest dishes are evermore the first sa­crifices unto their stomacks: for they hold that the best meat meeteth fit­test with the best appetite. Now they do not count it convenient, as to their appetites, in any case to have their Boars, Sheep, Goats, Lambs, &c. served up in parcels and joynts, as we of Europe use; but they must have all whole, (the old Ro­mans taught them that:) you shall see the Waiters come sweating with a whole Hog, or an whole Calf, upon a great pewter Engine, you would bless your self to behold it. He that riseth before six hours are fully run, incurs a most rigorous Fine: and after this, for a while they eat and drink by little and little onely (for that cause that made Aristotle's Pa­rasite [Page 11] Philoxenus wish himself the neck of a Crane) to take the more delight in the delicacies. But for the breaking up of the Feast, they observe this order: They have a door in their Hall, large enough for the greatest Gut-monger that lives, take him fasting: at this door they all enter, when they come to the Feast; which being ended, he that offers to pass the same way that he came, and cannot get his belly tho­row, is let forth another way: but he that passeth as easily as he came in, is staid by an Officer appointed for that purpose, called the Serjeant of the Maw, and brought back again, (will he, nill he) where he must set­tle himself to a new Collation, until his belly be able to kiss both the cheeks of the door at once; and then he is dismissed. (I cannot be fully perswaded, but the creeping through Saint Wilfrids Needle, which was whilom to be seen in [Page 12] Bever-Castle, was a device brought by some ancient Pilgrim, from this more ancient custom.) Nay, mark but whether these men have not a care of the Cities credit. They have a common Hospital (and that I'll assure you a large one) wherein all such as have got the Dropsie, the Gout, the Cough of the Lungs, or any such malady by too much eat­ing, are maintain'd at the publick charge. But all such as have lost their Teeth by age, or by supping their Broth too hot, are forthwith provided for conveniently, and sent away into Spoon-meat-Islands.

Most of these Citizens are of an un­measurable grosness (and seemed to me when I saw them, to walk much like so many tuns, moving each up­on Pottle-pots:) nor is that man worthy of their meanest salutation, that is not all cheeks to the belly, and all belly to the feet; like him whose Epitath this was:

And such shapes do the Women of this City walk in also: (the Ger­man Towns do pretty well in imitati­on of these Great Bosses; but the Barbarians come very neer them) the young Women may not marry till such time, as before a Bench of Matrons, they make a publick de­monstration to their Husbands that shall be, that their Dugs and Chins may meet without any forcing of ei­ther. They go for the most part all naked, onely the Alder-guts may wear Gowns; marry, those must be onely the Skins of such Beasts as they are able to devour alone at one sitting. Yet there is no Freeman of the Town, but wears a large Knife, and a Spoon as big as a Ladle bound [Page 14] to his right arm. Before, upon his brests, each one weareth a poke of Hair-cloth, to save what otherwise may fall besides, and to wipe their mouths withal; but those they use so long in this greasie imploy ment, that whether their shining exceed their blackness, or their blackness their shining, he had need to be well sighted that should distinguish. They are naturally dull of wit, and slow of apprehension; and yet, notwith­standing, most perfect in all the Arts they respect. Their Schools have no Lectures read in them, but onely Apicius his Institutions of the Art of Muncherie: and there all the young Fry are taught the Sciences of Car­ving, Chewing and Swallowing: Oh most profoundly! The Gluttonian Lecturer (when I was there) was one Doctor Full-Gorge, a man most rare in his Profession; and instead of Grammar, he read the first Section of the aforesaid Institutions of Api­cius. [Page 15] Their Library is a large room, ranked full of Pots, Kettles, Spits, and belly-Utensils of all sorts, every sort being enseamed in their several Classes: the Scholars have also each one his full Pot, and his laden Platter, for his book: the Freshmen have lesser measures, the Sophisters larger, and so up to the Graduats. The first, perhaps, hath his Pint and his Pullet; the next, his Quart and his Goose; the third, his Pottle and Quarter of Lamb, or his Gammon of Bacon; and so upwards: nor may any leave his task, or have leave to play, till he have made an end of what was injoyned him. If one stay seven years in these Schools, and benefit nothing, he is, forsooth, banished for ever into Starveling-Isles, to Hungerland is he sent im­mediately, to dyet upon Spanish dinners, furnished with half Pil­chers. Thither also they thrust all Physitians and Prescribers of [Page 16] dyets: if any of them are ill at ease (let Asclepiades swagger and hang if he will) he presently eats a raw Radish, drinks a little hot Wa­ter, spews a while; and within a quarter of an hour, Viah, he lets flie upon Ajax, and afterwards rises up as sound as a bell.

This Region aboundeth with Ri­vers, whose course is (most of them) uncertain, because of the abun­dance of Ordure that stops them, sometimes here, and sometimes there; but generally (take this for an infallible rule) at the beginning of January, and the end of Febru­ary, they are sure all of them to o­verflow the Bancks, and (if the breaches be not stopt in time) to do much harm in the Pastures ad­joyning.

Gourmonds-hall is a very fair large House, beautifully set forth with Arched-bay-Windows; and upon the front of the entrance were writ­ten [Page 17] in Letters of Gold, this gutling inscription.

And within there hung a Table chained to a Marble Pillar, contain­ing these inviolable Laws. Be it Enacted,

• 1. That eating but one meal a day, be henceforth held for a capital transgression.
• 2. That he that overthrows a full dish or a cup rashly, be forthwith by vertue of this Statute enjoyned to stand up right on his feet, and having a dish of Broth set between his heels, to eat it up with a Thimble.
• 3. That none eat alone, nor violate the Laws of the Table by any pri­vate suppers: but that every Citi­zen do eat either in the street, or in any open window, upon pain of eat­ing [Page 18] his next meal with his heels u [...] wards.
• 4. That whosoever forbeareth eat or sleep some hours together, [...] satisfie the State by eating two Sup­pers.
• 5. If the Mouth be full, it sha [...] be sufficient to give an answer holding up the Finger.
• 6. That conspirators against [...] State of Gluttonia, be forthwi [...] starved to death; and other Mal [...] factors punished with the loss of Tooth.
• 7. That all Cooks that dress no their meat according to the judici [...] ous Palate, be immediately bo [...] unto Stakes, and flesh half-roast [...] hung by them, until some pittif [...] and hungry spectator take compass [...] on upon them, so as to eat it all up.
• 8. That to belch be held not one [...] lawful, but honourable also: and the the Government of the next following Feast be assigned to him, th [...] [Page 19] broke winde the strongest at the last.
• 9. That every mans weekly Maun­gery be brought in a billa vera, by his fellow Gourmandizer, unto the Register to be recorded; and withal, that if he have not fulfilled the Law in that case enacted, he may accord­ly be fined.

Signed All-Paunch.

Those that are the least offen­ders, are put for four and twenty hours into the Temple of Famine; a Prison directly contrary to our Bed­lem, Beth-lehem in Hebrew signify­ing bread. It stands without the City, as Aesculapius his Temple stood without Rome: but not for healths sake, (as Plutarch saith that did) but onely lest such as are con­demned to that Gaol, should so much as once sent the Air of the Kitchin. The Walls of it are paint­ed about with all manner of good [Page 24] Victuals, to excite the prisoners appetite, to his greater vexation by tantalizing of him.

I next arrived at Quaffonia, o [...] which I would have none to expe [...] any exact description, for I dur [...] not for my ears go into any City o [...] the whole Province, until it wa [...] dark night, that all the Citizen were wrapt in Wine and war [...] Clothes; and then (you cannot bu [...] imagine) that it must be otherwise then very unlikely, that I shoul [...] discover many remarkable things you may perhaps say, what shoul [...] you fear? Faith I'll tell ye: harki [...] your ear! I feared the Bourgom [...] sters bounty; for their fashion is as soon as any one sets foot in at th [...] City-gate, to give him, by my troth as I was informed, not a few c [...] rouses, and lifts of Wine for hi [...] welcome: Oh, they receive him i [...] pomp; and all out of the Commo [...] Purse of the City: He must pul [...] [Page 25] all off, and drink fair to a pearl on his Nail, or else he is held an ungrate­ful, unmannerly fellow; and which is worse, a direct Foe to the com­mon good of the City. Now I feared both this honour and this danger; and therefore you cannot in the least question, but that your scruple of Conscience is fully an­swered.

This Province is as large as Glut­tonia; but if it were less, what that hath in wealth, this hath in intem­perance. There is no Country or Nation under the cope of Heaven so fortunate in the abundant deli­cate juyce of the Grape, as this is. The peculiar Wines of all our Kingdoms of Europe; the Germains Rhenish; the Frenchmans White and Claret; the Spaniards Xerez, Ma­laga, and the Canaries; tush, they have them all in excess. The tem­perature of their bodies are some­what different from the Gluttoni­ans, [Page 22] for they delight in the qualiti [...] of heat and drought; whereas th [...] Quaffonians more especially affe [...] heat and moisture: But their bodie and their Wits hold both one Key in difference: for the Fuddle landers, as they are more ingeniou [...] then the Eat alians, so are they mor [...] lascivious in their young years, a [...] they are generally more quick witted; but being come to a graver age, (especially old age) the [...] grow so forgetful, that one may cal [...] them So [...]s; you shall nto have on [...] amongst twenty of them that can re­member his own name.

There is not any River in the world comparable to that which runneth through this Province; Da­n [...]w, Thames, Seyne, or, Sir Walter Rawleighs River in Guania, put them all in, they are but kennels to this: For besides the pleasing Me­anders that he makes in his wanton course, the water is so sweet and [Page 23] delicate, that neither the best Eu­ropes Wine, nor the Turks delicious Zerbeth (though made of hony and water) can possibly go beyond it. This worthy Son of the Ocean, hath one peculiar Fish belongeth unto it, called a Tappe; and this Fish will sometimes lye by the Shore, and spout a great quantity of water a­loft (marry, the remaining of it in his belly hath made it somewhat more pleasing to the taste then it was before) and this the Inhabitants watch for in Boats; and when they get it, they highly esteem of it. This River passeth through Turn­ing-fry: Faith I had almost forgot­ten one Town, it goeth from thence to Celleridge, ere it comes to Broach­ing-ford, and so by Broaching-ford passeth directly unto Carousa­kannikin, the prime City of the whole Province. It is a name that I understand not, further then I have a little light from the Germane [Page 20] Tongue: but as for the City, it is built upon a Hill, and carryeth the form of a T [...]nkard, from what Quarter soever you behold it. It i [...] of ancient renown, and one of the best seated Ports for traffique in all the whole Land. On the East part it is strongly fortified with Barrica­does and Bulwarks of Barrels, and the Roofs of the House are most of one and the same manner, covered with the boards of broken Casks: In the entrance of the Gates, from morning until night, there is placed a double Cannon of Pewter (for their Law commandeth this to be duly observed) the Citizens call it the Flaggon of Hospitality; and round about it▪ are these words in­graven, Aut bibe, aut abi; Drink or be gone. He that arriveth must either drink it all off, or else he is carried before the Magistrate, to render an accompt of his Contumacy. The Arms of the City are advanced [Page 21] over the Gate; and they are the three Horse-leaches upon three naked Feet in a bloudy Field; the word, Plaenae quiescimus; Being full we rest. Here by a fortunate chance I met with a Lascivianian born, who was bound for the City, as well as I; his name he told me was Cinciglion, an Italian wold expres­sing the noise that the Wine maketh in running from the Tap. He (be­ing acquainted with their fashions) brought me secretly by night into the Town, and shewed me such things as I should never have disco­vered of my self. Their buildings are not much unlike to the Glutto­nians, but that the Fronts of their Houses are so wholly hid with spreading Vines, that▪ had▪ I not seen the Signs hang out on every side, I should have sworn I had been in a Vineyard, and not in a City: Believe me, it was a pleasant specta­cle. In the Market-place are all [Page 26] the Measures hung up in Chains, sealed with a stamp on their tops▪ The Inhabitants go naked, but for a wreath of Vines about their fore­heads; their skins are painted, some with such [...]ipling Figures as Nature breaths forth; others after the man­ner of the Picts and ancient Britains: You shall have some painted so perfectly after a Flaggon, that if he set but his hands on his sides, you would swear that it were a living Flaggon. I did see one also, so di­rectly in the shape of a Whale, that when he vomited, no man in the world but would have taken him for a live Whale, spewing up the Ocean.

I had a great desire to see the man­ner of their publick Feasts, and yet not to be seen by the Citizens. So my Comrade at last agreed to perform my request, and to satisfie my longing; indeed he gave me withal certain cautions of danger, that I [Page 27] might avoid, if I were discovered; and likewise he informed me in some necessaty points of behavi­our: so having my instructions a­bout me, he being my conduct, we got us into the Town-hall, in the evening, unspyed of any. By and by came the Quaffonians, just as the Glottonians do, onely they had more drink, and less meat. Every one had his purveyance, at either Elbow a Piss-pot for his Urine on one side, and a Bowl for his Vomit on the other.

At first, they begin a sacrifice to Bacchus, their General God: not as the Romans did of old, with pouring a little Wine upon the ground; no, no, far more religiously, and with more stately Ceremonies. At the upper end of the Table stands a stately Statue of Bacchus, holding in his right-hand a mighty great Goblet, of such weight, that (as Virgil said once) the left hand now [Page 28] and then, as it were, endeavours to help her Sister. Into this Goblet, or standing Cup, the Master of the Ceremonies, in the Name of the whole Company, p [...]rs a [...]undlet of Wine, (it holds no [...] le [...], if you will believe me) which passing in Pipes, as if it were in Ve [...]s, into his Mouth, when he pist, both at once made a pretty shew, as if he had both pis [...]ed Wine and spewed it, all in a moment. And this is the Hour glass proportioning the con­tinuance of the Feast; for when he leaveth pouring out▪ they must all leave pouring in▪ Then, Sirs, comes me up a Service of Shooing-horns (do you see) of all sorts, Salt­cakes, Red-herrings, Pickled-her­rings, Anchoves, and Gammons of Bacon, ( Westphalia may go pipe in an Ivie-Leaf, if it seek to equal these) and abundance of such put­ters on. And then begins the full Pots to go round about the Table, [Page 29] and the empty against the Walls; so that you cannot tell whether they are▪ sooner filled to be emptied, or emptified to be filled; but (as Plau­tus [...]aith of one) the Drink is sure to go off, be it out of Can, or Jourdan. Now when one of them will drink to another, he first challength him with a solemn Ceremonial Song, the Reliques of some Tavern-Catch. And then they joyn hands fast toge­ther, and giving a sound shake or two, the [...]llenger advanceth his mo [...] e [...] Weapon, and blows it dry: [...] may puff a little, but the Pot is [...]robed of his Liquor, ere it be severed from his gripe: and then the other answereth him at his own Weapon. The second course is not very dainty; but how soever, they moisten it well with redoubled Rouses. Then comes the Fruit with the third Course, and that in truth is very rarely furnished; and being almost finished, and the Cloth being [Page 30] then thrust on a heap, the Master of the Ceremonies cryeth Healths, three times with a loud voice. I ima­gined this had been a summons to the breaking up of the Company, and was going thence; when my Associate pulled me by the sleeve: Why, how now you sleepy spectator (quoth he) would you be gone when the feast is hardly begun? stay till the conclusion of it, I bescech yee: do you see how fast God Bacchus his Hour-glass runs? So I sat down again and stayed. Then steps me out one of the Company, and taking off his wreath, down upon his knees he placeth himself, (I thought he had been going to his prayers) and presently calls for a Quart-pot; An health (quoth he) unto great Bousing-gut our Tun-strider; and presently the Pot stops his Mouth: he drinks, he puffs, he belches, he talks, until within a while he had gulped down as many Quarts, as [Page 31] his Name had Letters; and when he had done, he falls a spewing, till all cryed twang again, and dyes (as Horace said)

Well, they all follow in order from the highest to the lowest, each one with the same Port; execution, and ejection; proving himself here­by, also a faithful Citizen, and (which is more) a strenuous Tossaf­fakan. This past, up starts ano­ther, with this Catch:

Seasoning his Song with many a goodly belch (quoth he) it is a hot night, let's drink and sleep; and so down upon his Marry Bo [...]; up he takes his Pot hand▪ smooth, the Devil a bone findes he in the drink. After him they must all follow; [Page 32] Woe be to him that hangs an arse. This showre overblown, out steps a third, and he advanceth a quart of plump Lyaeus to the health of all Quagmirists, (which is the general name of the most eminent persons of the famous City of Carousa­kanikin: briefly, after him they go; and thus all of them in order brings in his foundation of a new Round. Now every one having his share, they must each of them, as they sate (pox on't, that madded me) go play the Poet: of one of these might Horace have truely said, Aut insanit homo, aut versus facit. The man is mad, or else he maketh Verses. And these verily they make out of the inspiration of Bacchus onely (the Muses may go hang themselves for any room they can finde there:) and herein according to the old manner that Plutarch speaketh of, every one sings his Song, and instead of his Harpe, he had a Knife and a Quart­pot; [Page 33] and truely they plaid fine musick on it. One in his Song com­mended his Mistress; another, the goodness of the Wine; a third, re­lated all the passages betwixt him and his wife at home; and so it made me remember that old saying of Laberius:

Another rimed all in Satyr against one that was not at this drinking­bout: and every one (me thoughts) kept Anacreons Measures: He was a drunken Poet, and dyed of a Sur­feit; if you will not believe me, it is but putting your selves to the trouble to read Francis Meres, in his Wits Common-wealth (which perhaps you will not esteem worth your time.) While these Songs were [Page 34] a singing, it was a world of rare sport to see their several behaviours; every man had his humour to him­self: you should see one, for very pure love, weeping in his fellows bosome; and another sit a kissing of his Companion: one setting his mouth on the rack with laughter (wise were the men that could tell at what) another down upon all four in devotion to Bacchus; a third swaggering and swearing, because the Bowl of Wine was brought him no sooner; a fourth arguing of Re­ligion, and matters of State: And here in a corner, you should have a fifth sit nodding and slavering, it would do a blind-mans heart good to see him, with several other strange undecent postures, no less unfit then too tedious to insert. At the beginning of their Feast, be­cause they generally have (as hath been said) very slippery memories, quickly forgetting what they do, [Page 35] they have a publick Notary, whom they call Clerk of the Winde-pipe, who is appointed to Register every particular Carouse, and so files them up for common Records, what each man hath drunk, and unto whom; which done, after the Feast he reads them to the Company, (if any be awake to hear them.)

• Pottle-gulp
• Swol [...]e-gut
• Dry-mouth
• Draw-large
• Sup it off

unto

• Swoln-gut 4 Gallons
• Fuddle-deep 4 Gallons ⅓
• Lurch-cup 3 Pottles
• Broken-belt 7 Pottles
• Full-brink half an hog­shead

Concordat cum Originali

P. Skinker.

If any have failed in the taking of his Liquor, he must forthwith make present satisfaction (if he be able) otherwise, at the next meeting he is sure to pay [...]ound interest for his [Page 36] forbearance. Well, the Roll being read, and the Hour-glass run all out: Marry, quoth I to my Com­rade, but how will they get home now? that marvel I at most. Oh, well enough, Sir, (quoth he) trouble not your head for that. Do you not see those Ropes there in the Court, that have fastned unto them Iron Rings? these the servants (who may not touch a drop of Wine till the Feast be done) being so sober as to know every one his own Rope, do take hold of, and the other end being fastned to their Masters Door, so draw themselves and their Masters both in one Cart, directly home. It is like enough that you say true (said I) but what if one should come in the mean time, and tye the Ropes further end to a wrong door? Why do you think (answered he smiling) that any one wakes this night? yet I have known it done, and the Cart go to a wrong House, and the man [Page 37] to another mans wife; who perhaps being as drunk as he, never discovers the matter until next day at noon; and then, that which they ignorant­ly committed, they do wittingly laugh at: for it is a Principle here, That a drunken man can never of­fend; for it is the offence of Bac­chus, that he is but an Instrument unto, and no otherwise. But I re­membred that place in Lucian's Dialogues, That Bacchus never bids them drink more then what may suf­fice to exhilerate Nature. In the Town-Hall, properly called Gul­pers Court, there hangeth up that ancient Embleme of the Order of their Knights of the Golden Tun: he that can drink this Vessel thrice off; and go his ways without any indenting; for this good service he is presently knighted, and hath be­sides a chain of an extraordinary value bestowed on him. The Knights have a large Charter, and [Page 38] are allowed many goodly privi­ledges; they have absolute com­mand in all Taverns, and at all Ta­bles. They may furnish so many Souldiers in Pewter-coats out of any mans Cellar in the Town, Graiis: and besides, they have full authority as concerning Brimmers, and to put what limits they please unto eve­ry mans Pot-tipling. These hardy men have great conflicts at every solemn meeting (as the Sword-play­ers had in Rome, or as the Helots had with the Lacedaemonians) their Weapons are full-charged Cups; and he that carryeth most of them a­way cleer, is Conqueror, and leads the rest about the Town (if they can go) in triumph. And this is their trial of the Victory: If he can put his Finger just into the flame of the Candle, without playing hit-I-misse-I, let him spew whole Fish­ponds, he is a sober man.

Now Reader, I will present thee [Page 39] with the Laws of the City of Ca­rousa-kanikin in the Province of Quaffonia.

That same night I was a Specta­tor of their more then rambling Re­vels: one of the Carousa-kanikin Quagmirists, whose House was of some hight, being loose in the breech, intending to go thither, where nei­ther Pope nor Emperour can send an Ambassador; and being truely cap-shackled, mistook the Window for the Door; and so stepping rash­ly on, he came down with the wrong end forward, and in plain English, broke his neck. His Funeral was very richly set forth, I can tell you: Every Quassonian was dyed all o­ver with black, and for that day [Page 43] wore a Cypress Wreath instead of is Vines. The body was not laid in Coffin, nor upon a Herse, as we use; [...]ut being put into a Cask half full of Wine, was so born to the Grave; and when he came there, it was to lye rather in a Cistern of Sack, then in a Grave of Earth, and to be drown­ed rather then buryed. For where­as the Romans used to cast balls of Frankincense upon the pit wherein the body was burnt, they did not so here, but each one poured his Can of Wine into the Grave; and bid­ing thrice, Adieu most sweet and cor­pulent Country-man, put finger in their eye, wept some Quarts of Rheum, and to it they went hand in hand to the Tavern. This Quagmi­rist it seems was well esteemed of them; for he had a Statue after­wards erected to him in Bacchus his Court, and under it these two Lines in fair Roman Letters.

And upon his Grave they set up a pretty Obelisk, a brazen Flaggon on the top of it, with these Rimes carved about it; questionless such Epitaphs in Latine are to be seen at Siena, two in San-Domingo, and one in S. Spirito:

Farewel fellow toss-pots.

Now had I stay'd two days in this Town, without ever being demand­ed [Page 45] what I was; but then my Com­ [...]nion came and told me, My friend, [...]ou have had a fair reign; if you [...]ay one day longer, you must per­ [...]orce do sacrifice to God Bacchus: I may not conceal you further, un­less you would have me forsworn. No, said I, what custom is that I pray you, that you are so strictly bound unto? tell me the course, and I'll either perform it, and stay lon­ger; or else I'll get me presently gone, and rid us both from future danger. Well, Sir, said he, saw you not the Statue of Bacchus yesterday in Gulper [...] Court, and the large Goblet [...]e holdeth, wherein they poured the Wine that runs out at two passages? I answered, Yes that I did. Well then, said he, you must set your mouth to one of them (chuse you which) and suck until you be able to stand no longer, but fall flat to the ground, and so must you lye under the Spout, wal­lowing [Page 46] in the Wine, until all be [...] out upon you. How like you this Faith, said I, it is not altogether [...] delightful; but I beseech you te [...] me, was there ever any strange that offered this sacrifice? All, all quoth he, and not a mans tail that escaped it, but to it he must, maugr [...] his Beard: some will come spiritful­ly to it, but others are fain to be haled to their teat, like a Bear to the Stake.

Well, Sir, said I, I'll be jogging hence: onely I would intreat you to inform me which Country in this Tract is next in Dignity to this, and the worthiest of travel. So faith he told me, Hot-watrea, or Licor­ardente, which is under the govern­ment of Sir Limbeck Stillitory, a Knight of the Noble Family of Take off your dose: and so led me for­wards, and shewed me the way, as plain as Dunstable Rode; and then courteously gave me the Bascio los [Page 47] manos. I thankt him heartily for his Valienado, and so we parted.

Now I all alone took my way to­wards the North, leaving the River of Froath behind me, until I came at Spewersbury, the silthiest Town that ever I saw since my Mother cradled my head: onely this I must tell the Reader by the way, (for I promise ye it put me often to a shrewd po­ther) I was as much troubled with Pots and Flaggous in my journey, as a Clerk of the Market, or as the Traveller that hath far to go, is with the Spanish and Italian crosses: I could never trace it three Miles to an end, but I should finde a boun­cing Tankard placed under an Arch, and drink I must needs, no gain-saying of the Lands Hospita­lity: at last I overtock a Traveller in an old tattered Ca [...]ock of Hair­cloth, baresoored, and barehead­ed. I demanded w [...] he went so fast? Sir, quoth he, I have under­taken [Page 48] a long Pilgrimage unto Saint Borachio of Bottlesbrook.

I wondered at this new name, and this as yet undiscovered Pilgrimage; so I questioned him at large of the Country, of this Towns situation and discipline; and finally, of the Vertues of this Borachio. Bottles­brook, Sir, said he, is seated in the confines of Hot-watrea, and Lascivi­ania, and is of great fame through­out both the Soyls. Besides divers other ancient Monuments in the Town, there is a Temple of Bacchus Fiery face, they call it the Cappel-Ardent, where a rich and rare Sta­tue of his is erected, not like a grown man, but very youthful, just as his Father took him from the burning Womb of Semele; so it is, having been long ago so cut out of the hard Rock of Rubies. The top of this Temple is all set with Carbuncles, and golden Sparks, most rich to behold; and from the [Page 49] embowed Arch there drops, they say, a kinde of hot fuming Liquor (as Cataracts do in some places of Mardelzur, as Hackluit affirms in his Voyages, and is received into a Borachio that stands placed accord­ingly; whose Vertue is such, that if one drink a large draught of it with good devotion, he shall never in his life after be either drunk before noon, or athirst before midnight: both which helps may do me much good; for I am a man so imployed in my Country, that I can never lye in my bed until midnight for thirst; nor never rise before noon, but I am drunk and fast a sleep again. There­fore have I gone these three days without drinking at all (save that I drunk one dish of water this morn­ing) because I would merit the more of this holy St. Borachio, when I come there; nor dares any man im­portune me to drink, or any in my company, as long as I wear this [Page 50] Weed. Bir-Lady, Sirs, you must think I was not a little glad of so great a priviledge; and therefore [...] intreated both his company and patronage. Well, we went chat­ting on until I observed the Soyl altered; wherefore I asked him, where we now were. This Coun­try, quoth he, ever since we came over the Lake Metheglin, is called the Country of Usquebah, as there is an ordinary pass to Ireland through Wales, being the first Shire of Hot-watrea: It is not so well husbanded, but it is far more fertile then our Country of Wine-cester, ex­ceeding both in fatness of Soyl, and pureness of Air. So when [...] heard the name, I understood pre­sently both the Original and the Definition thereof; Usquebathia, because they drink Usque ad, even to the bottom: There are other de­rivations thereof, but those I leave to the six Wits to censure of. The [...] [Page 51] quoth I, being very weary, Whither go we now? is not this Bottles­brook? O Lord, no, he replyed; but cheer up your self, we have but, in comparison, a foot of ground till we are there; we are onely to trample a little over the pleasant shores of Hot-watrea, and we shall presently arrive at Bottlesbrook. But whence, said I, is that smoak? he replyed, It comes out of Mount Denis, wherein the souls of such as either lived too soberly, or killed themselves de­sperately, are purified by fire; and there they burn, until some of their living friends go in Pilgrimage to Chappel-Ardent for a Bottle of Saint Borachio's water; and pouring that upon their Tomb, they are freed. I smiled at this, and thought now surely I have found the Original of Purgatory: let Abbot Odilo, and his Monks of Coruna tell me never so many tales of Mount Aetna, and so many good-morrows, 'tis here [Page 52] thought I, or 'tis nowhere.

Well, at length we arrived at Bottlesbrook: in truth I found it to be a pretty sweet Town; marry it was both paved with Bottles, and roofed with Lethern-bougets. I do not remember that I saw any Arti­ficer in all the Town, but Lethern Jack-makers. The reason is, the men of this Country use no pure Wine, as the other Drink-alls do, but certain distilled waters mixed with the strongest Grapes they can get; which are so violently hot, that the brittle Glass cannot hold them, and therefore they are forced to fortisie their Bottles with Lethern Jerkins, rivited together with Pitch and Rozen.

We travelled on through many craggy and fenny passages, till at last we arrived at a Port called Puerto d' Aqua forte, the Inhabi­tants of which place drink Brand­fireal, by most of them for brevity [Page 53] called Brandewine, squezed from the sowrest Grapes, which the French (rather then they would throw a­way) thought it more convenient to make a more profitable trastique of. Some say the Dutchlanders, to disperse the unwholesome Fogs which arise from their Seas, strength­en and fortifie their stomacks with this tipple, which I also found here, (how they came by it in these parts I know not) but this I am sure, that it is with them A-la-modo, lustily quaft off. The Yeomen of these Brandy-bottles here are fiery faced, cholerick of condition, of a stagger­ing manner of pace in their going: but that which is most terrible of all, they drink, and they breath nothing but elemental sire, meer flames. As much cold, or scargut, as one of us will drink, so much fire will one of them take: that a man would ve­rily imagine when he saw them, that they were so many fire-darts, or [Page 54] as one might call them, St. George [...] Flap-dragons. I was in danger of water before, but now I feared no­thing but that I should be fired or stifled with the smoak of an Herb called Tobacco, which they took in at their mouths, and gave out at their Noses, resembling the [...]ume [...] of so many Brewers Chimnies. It is reported, that one Rollo Waralador, an ungodly fellow, one of this Country, taught this wicked va­pour by an Indian Devil, first brought it hither into these parts; so what for fire and smoak, I thought it necessary to make my escape. I left my companion at his Orison to Bacchus (I loved him well, but I loved my self better:) the next morning I hastned out of this Vul­cans Shop; for so it was a very Cy­clops▪ Forge, rather then a City of Bacchus.

I travelled on so far, that at last I approached the Verges of Lascivi­ana [Page 55] (some give it another name, which I am very willing to forget.) Being extream weary, I set me down on a delicate [...]rot of Nature, (somewhat out of the way) on which finding my self drowsie, and inclining to sleep, I might the more freely take a nap. I had not been long at my quietus, but that I was awakened with a most sweet voice; I made no inquiry to know who the Singer was, lest my appearance (as I thought) might bereave me of such a melodious happiness; my sence of hearing keeping a right in­telligence with the pleasant mea­sures of the Verse: to my best re­membrance, these were the words of the Song:

The Song was no sooner ended, but those which I took then for Sy­rens, rushed in upon me from an Am­bush; whom I afterwards found to be neither better nor worse, then [Page 58] some of the armed She-landeresses (you heard of them of the She­lands before) who took and carryed me prisoner (the more unfortunate I) a long and [...]oylsome journey, e­ven to their chief City, called Gos­sipingoa. Thither I was brought, and detained a great while longer then stood with my good liking. I will here discover the whole pro­gress of their dealing with me, and then I will go on with the descripti­on and conditions of these new un­discovered people.

As soon as these cruel Conque­resses had taken me upon the Bor­ders of Lasciviania, they brought me away (as I have said) to this their chief City, where they towl'd a Bell, and presently all the Petti­coat-Inhabitants came flocking thi­ther in a trice, and began to prie more narrowly upon me, who stood bound sure enough (God wot) for offering them any false measure. [Page 59] At length one of the rout, (their Captainness it seems she was) gave a sign to the rest to be silent (as she had need) and then she thus be­spake the Company; What, or of whence this fellow is, I do not know, onely we took him in the confines of yonder damned Coun­try of our Enemies, Lasciviania; and seeing they have offered us so much injury, I hold it very fit now (if it be not too late) to take revenge of them, and first with this priso­ner. Now she having made an end of her learned Speech, I got leave (with much ado for noise) to speak, and so declared my Nation, and the cause of my wandring, as well as I could; and told then Womanships, that for my part I had not any ac­quaintance at all in Lasciviania; I was one that wished their Madam­hoods, and all their Sex, all the good I could; and that it would dero­gate much from their Natures, Cle­mencie [Page 60] and from their Honour and just Government, to condemn an in­nocent Pilgrim, and one that had not in the least offended, without hearing of his cause. Well, these good words, I can tell you, wrought so handsomely with them, that the poor young Wenches began many of them to weep: yet the old Countesses were not so much over­sway'd with my Oration, but that I must to prison, to a great house in the Market-place, called Cold and comfortless, until my Country and cause of my travel were truely ma­nifested to the She-council. Well, to Ward I went; and but for that my Countries name is the true Paradise of Women, (as it is the Proverb in France, that England is the Para­dise of Women, the Purgatory of Servants, and the Hell of Horses) which pleaded for me; I had never come out alive: for all the Lascivia­nians that they take, they either fair­ly [Page 61] hang them up, or else put them to most slavish offices in this prison; which they do to plague them for their injuries offered: for the peo­ple of that Province, as they are most of them wanton, run madding after Whores, out of their beastiali­ty neglecting their Wives, or else through their mad-brain'd jealou­sie keep them in continual slavery▪ Oh how many Noble Captains did I see in this prison wearing out their lives in Spinning, Carding of Wool, and Knitting! Faith at length, for my Countries sake, I had my li­berty restored, but not without an Oath; for I was brought to Juno's Altar, and there laying my hand on the same, I was forced to take a so­lemn Oath to observe all these con­ditions following:

• 1. That I should never go about to injure their noble Sex by word or deed.
• [Page 62]2. That I should never interrupt [...] Woman in her tale.
• 3. That wheresoever I lived, I should leave the rule of the House to my Wife.
• 4. That I should never more come to Lasciviania; for it is the common phrase here, Many go thither good men, but come away from thence evil Husbands.
• 5. That I should never aim at more then the love of one.
• 6. That I should never betray my wives secrets.
• 7. That I should never deny my wife any womans ornaments.
• 8. That I should continually give women the—and the praise for Beauty, Wit and Eloquence, and defend them against all men.

This Oath I willingly took, but believe me, Sirs, not without a little equivocation; though rather then fail I would have taken one ten [Page 63] times stricter. So therefore you see my Tongue is tyed by my Oath, not to tell the sine Conundrums that I saw among these mad Wenches. Somewhat I may say, but no harm; no more I would, in truth, if I had not at all been sworn.

I shall now according to my pro­mise make it my next enterprise to go on with the description, conditi­ons, customs, and forms of Govern­ment of this Newfound Land. As touching the situation of the Sha­lands, or Womandecoia, it lyeth in that part of the Southern continent, over against Morleture and Beach, called Psittaccorum Regio, the Land of Parrots; it bordereth on the Do­minions of Prince De l' Amour: on the North side it boundeth on La­sciviania (a Nation, as we have said, that is a great enemy to it;) on the South, upon Thrivingois; on the East, upon the two Foppianians, the Fickle and Fat. The Soyl whereof [Page 64] is very fruitful: it is divided into many Provinces, both large and wealthy: The principal of them are these: Fattingen, Scoldonna, Blubberick, Giglot-angir, the high and low; Cockatrixia, Shrewes­bourg, and Blackswanstack, other­wise called Modestiana. Not far from these is an Island, called Her­maphrodite, or Double-Sex: many of these Provinces I did pass through, when I was carryed Priso­ner to Gossipingoa. But to speak truth, Fattingen, or the Land of Par­rots, is the best Country of them all, and hath many fair Cities in it, as Pratingople, Talesborne, and Lips­wagg; through the last of which there runneth a great River, called Silver Streams, which sometimes will overflow the banks, and drown all the lower parts of the Country, which they call Chinnedale; but the Countrymen have now devised very strong Rampiers to keep it from [Page 65] breaking out any more, but when they list to let it out a little now and then for clearing of the Chan­nel.

As touching their forms of Go­vernment, they are allowed of for a Free State by Prince de l' Amour (questionless the kindest Prince of the world to Women, and the most unlikeliest to debar them of their liberties) their Government being ruder and differing from his, the wo­men in his Country being more courtly and civilized; and if other­wise, upon any dislike sent hither, where they need not to question their welcome entertainment: For here, for ought I could perceive, each one seeks Superiority, and would be so popular, as to avoid o­bedience. They have no Laws at all, doing every thing by the num­bers of Voices. But the giving up of their Voices, struck me into a wonder, being unacquainted there­with, [Page 66] for they set up a cry all toge­ther; none gives [...]ar, but each one yells, as if she were horn-mad; and is not this able to abash a milde mans spirit? They hold a continual Parliament (if the word signifies so, as it is rendred in their consultati­ons) onely to prattle about their affairs of State; so that Erasmus, as he had in part already done in his Colloquies, would be able to give a stronger testimony of Womens turning Suitors. Now this conti­nuance is necessary, because of their Laws uncertainty: for the decrees of this day, are altered or disanulled to morrow; but the same day they cannot, lest their Law▪givers should seem to be inconstant in their Edicts. Every ones voice is alike in worth, the City of Gossipingoa through, but not every ones dignity, for they have a set number of chosen women, they call them Gravesses; and these have the Authority of most Honour [Page 67] in each particular City: but they are not born to this dignity, but are elected, either for their Beauty, or their Eloquence; for by these two are all Elections ordered. They had once a custom to elect these Gravesses by voices, but afterwards every one giving her voice but onely for her self, it bred a confusion, and so made them to abolish that man­ner of Election: and then they drew a Decree, that those onely should have the sway in this same envious contention, who would profess themselves neither to be Fair nor Eloquent: But this brought all to such a pass, that in the whole Mul­titude of them, you should not finde one that would be Electresses; the elder sort holding that they had the Eloquence, and the younger stand­ing as firm in it that they had the Beauty. At length they all agreed to pass over these places of Ele­ctresses unto twelve of the most aged [Page 68] Matrons of old Mumpington (a ru­inous Village hard by) and so they did, giving them the most glorious Titles of Electresses Gravesial: The chief of whom, when I was there were these, the Dutchess of Cackle­tout, the Countess of Banne alleyla, the Arch-presbyteress of Slaver­spreg, the Palatine of Twittle-com­tattle, and eight more subordinate Electresses. To set them the more agog to their charges, they are strangely adored, and wonderfully cursified. And besides this honou­rable stile, The reverend of the age, wealth and abundance comes in flowing continually upon them; for the ambitious young Wenches will so bribe and ply them with gifts, to have their voices at the day of E­lection, that I hold that there is not a Court more corrupt in giving voices, or more wealthy in getting of riches. Instead of Scepters and Swords, the Gravesses have Fans [Page 69] and Glasses born before them, huge Christal Glasses; and still as they pass through the streets, they prank up their attires by the said Glasses, (and loose no time) but set all their gew-gaws in order as they go along.

There are a few Shee▪landresses born in this Nation, but most of them being, as we said, of the unci­viler sort of Females, are excluded out of Prince de l' Amours Domini­ons; such as will either wear their Husbands Breeches, or else such as their Husbands jealousie will banish, those are sent in flocks hither. Now all such as are their Husbands Ma­sters, and are therefore banished upon the unjust claim unto Sove­raignty; these are assigned to inha­bite the Frontiers of the Shee-lands, especially in the Countries of Shrewesbourg; and there they are all put in Garrison. But as for those that are voluntary Exiles, they are [Page 70] generally of meek and unmanly spirits; and these are seated in the heart of the Land, to become Vo­taresses to Peace and Beauty; and yet you need never dream that this Weal-publick (however weakly founded) should go to ruine for want of particular Members: and I will tell you why, there are so many Volunteers, (especially free­women) come to this Camp, that the fear is rather that there will want room for the new Inhabitants, then otherwise. Truely, I am in great perplexity lest my Countrywomen (though they are used so well here) should have any understanding of this State: for if they have, we may go snick-up for any Female that will abide amongst us; but all will away, we should not have one big belly left to lay the Foundation for a fu­ture age by.

At Gossipingoa, I got (besides my Freedom) the Cities Letters for my [Page 71] Pass-port; and so from thence I took my way towards G [...]glot-angyr, a Country lying upon the South part of Womandecoia, towards Lasciviania; the Land of it self in this part is the worlds Paradise. I was not many Leagues from Loves­den, the first Town of this Country, when I entred into an Air as deli­cately seated, as if the Perfumers in England had lately play'd their prizes therefor eternal Soveraignty; the whole Country round about it is so stufft with Apothecaries and Pomandrificoes: The rest I omit, as I look upon these as the chief Mag­nificoes of this State. The women of this Country are generally tall, gracefully adorned; and (were it not that they practice the Art of Sneek-oyling over much) we might imagine them handsome. They wear nothing on their faces, nor on their brests: as for the rest of their habit, it is fair in shew, light in weight, and [Page 72] easie to mount. I travelled hard, till at last I arrived at a Province named Shamesgrave, (for so they call the Shire-town of Giglot-angyr, where it is reported that the Sepul­chre of Modesty lyes. Here their houses are made all of Muscovia Glasses, as transparent as Air: where it is labour lost to seek any of them at home, unless you make your inquest immediately upon their dressing time, or somewhat before: But lay your plot to seek them in a Playhouse, or in a Tavern, or so, and it stands upon a good Founda­tion: for there you are sure to find your Female, either a laughing, a singing, or some extraordinary im­ployment. You never saw Spider contrive a more artificial Net for a Flie, then these women do for the Lascivianians (however their Coun­tries deadly Enemies) yet some of these men serve their desires as Vo­lunteers for provant and prefer­ment. [Page 73] Others they lay their Am­bushes for, and fetch them in first by loose Allurements, then by pray­ers, and then by pence; and if none of these means will work, they com­pel them to serve their wanton de­sires by force. And when they have done so, just as your Stallion Horses are kept for breed, so are they stowed into custody, dieted with Eringo's, Potato's, Cullisses, and other devised dishes, until Ve­nus sends her second summons. This I no sooner heard, but I hated; and no sooner hated it, but I avoided it, as neither daring to presume of my learning, nor policie; but as I knew my self neither to be a proper young man, nor for a fine Gentleman (none dispraised) I durst not hazard my honesty upon so slight Foundations. But you may perceive, it is some­times convenient to want a good faee: and those things which at o­ther times a man doth blame Na­ture [Page 74] for most, may at one time or other stand him in more stead then her greatest benefits in ordinary esti­mations.

Not far from Guaon, the last Isle, between Cape Hermose and Cape Beach, lyes Double-sex-Isles, much like to our Isle of Man on the coast of Lancashire. In this Isle Nature hath so orderly disposed all things to one form, that I could finde no one plant in all the Soyl, but was of a double kinde of Fruits, or one Fruit of two several kindes and names: there was your Bear-apple, your Cherry-damson, your Date-almond, your Chestnut-filberd; and a thou­sand of these conclusions of Na­ture: yea, insomuch, that the very Inhabitants of the whole Island wore all their Habits as Indices of a Co-aptation of both Sexes in one. Those that bare the most man about them, wore Spurs, Boots, and Breeches, from the heels to the [Page 75] hanshes; and Bodies, Rebatoes, and Periwigs, from the Crupper to the Crown: And for those that were the better sharers in Womankinde, they wore Doublets to the Rump, and Skirts to the remainder: nay, their very names bare notes of their participation of either side; there was Mary Philip, Peter Alice, Jane Andrew, and George Audry, and many more that I cannot remember. And all their own Nation that have not shewn themselves perfect, both in begetting, and bringing forth, are made slaves to the rest: and when they take any that are but simply of one Sex, you would admire what a coyl they keep about them, as Pro­digies and Monsters, as we do those that are born double-headed, or o­ther such deformed births. Their onely glory which they esteem most, is, that in their conceit they have the perfection of Nature alone amongst them from all the world besides: [Page 76] For seeing Nature, say they, hath bestowed two hands, two feet, two eyes, two ears, and two nostrils to every mans perfect body; why should not the most perfect Creature of all be perfect in two Sexes also? And again, Cybele, and the Pathiques of old Rome, were fain to use forced means for that which we have given us by Nature. Thus are they wont to perfect their deformities: and truely you may observe in them all, besides their shapes, both mans wit, and a womans craft. They have no Cattle in this Countrie, but Mules; nor any wilde Beasts, but Hares: as the Mule is held both to conceive and beget; and some hold the like of the Hare. They live most upon Shell-fish, for that is their best and most ordinary sustenance.

In my return from the confines of Giglot-angyr, being now upon the Western Angle of the same, I did light (just as my staff fell) into the [Page 77] Countrie of Shrewesbourg, the onely Garrison of this Feminine Govern­ment, and the onely defence it hath against Forreign Incursions. Now this Countrie fearing no Foe but the Lascivianians (for the Thri­vingois are a quiet Nation, and ne­ver will offer to molest them; and the Foppianians cannot, though they would) therefore they place their Forces or Towns of Garrison, onely upon the Eastern Frontiers of Lasciviania.

Here was I sweetly gull'd; for espying persons in the Habits of men, Marry, thought I, this is good luck, I am now gotten out of Wo­mandecoia: but when all came to all, I was nearly couzen'd with a bor­rowed shape: for in this Countrie women wear Breeches, and long Beards; and the men go with their Chins all naked, in Kirtles and Pe­ticoats; spinning and carding Wool, whilst their Wives discharge the main affairs of the State.

[Page 78]In this tract is an ancient and ample Town, generally called Pepuzian and I do not think but Pepuzian Heritiques were of this Original, who held that women should be both Princes and Priests, as well as men▪ The Barbarians in Aristotle's time never used the women half so impe­riously as the men are used here: I had great compassion of their slave­ry; yes verily had I; the poor Snakes dare not so much as wipe their mouths unless their Wives bid them; nor so much as (saving your presence) go piss, nor pass a word with their best Friend, but they must first come to their Wives with a writ of Quaeso Magistra, good Mi­stress give me leave to go, &c. I observed this custom to be more strictly looked unto upon one cer­tain day whilst I was there, then at other times by far; and the reason of it was, because that some of the better-spirited Husbands disdaining [Page 79] to be chained in this unmanly sub­jection by their Wives, had laid a plot amongst themselves to rise up on an appointed night (as it might be this night) in open arms upon the sudden against their Wives, and so to shake off their infamous and dis­graceful servitude. This plot had taken a very good effect, had not misfortune crossed it: for one cow­ardly fellow of their confederacie, being threatned by his Wife to be soundly cudgelled for some other private escape that he had made; to procure himself a pardon, went and revealed all the whole plat­form of the conspiracie, just the e­vening before the night appointed.

The women sit at meat, and the men attend; the women sleep when they please, and the men watch; so do they scold and fight, whilst the men are fain to bear off, with ears, head and shoulders.

Happy may they call that day [Page 80] wherein one Mrs. Disquiet or other doth not Lamb-baste them before night. I imagined my self amongst the Turkish slaves; but that these distinctions of Habits assured me this was a more abject kinde of Cap­tivity.

Ah what a base sight was it to see a Distaff and a Spindle in a mans hand, and a Sword and a Buckler in a womans! Yet I concealed my dislike, as well as I could, desiring for to see without suffering.

If any woman use her Husband somewhat gentlier then ordinary, (as some of them were more tender hearted then others) she is present­ly informed against, and cited to appear before the Parliament of Shrewesbourg, and there indited of High-treason against the State. Her next Neighbours give evidence a­gainst her with such noise and fury, that it is strange to see how far they are overborn with impatience. If [Page 81] she be convicted by the smallest e­vidence that is, she is condemned to this punishment: She must first change attire with her Husband, and then shave off her Hair; and so be­ing led through the Market-place, must stand for one whole day upon the Pillory, as an object unto all the fleering scoffers and beholders: nor shall the man escape scot-free, for being so audacious, as to take the favours offer'd by his Wife without a modest refusal: but when that the woman comes home (she shall be all covered with durt, grains, rotten eggs, &c.) she must not put off her Vesture until she bring a cudgel into the Court, all dyed with the fresh bloud of her Husbands broken-pate. He that out-liveth his Wife, must either mar­ry his Maid, and be sworn to her ser­vice, as he was to his former Wives; or else he must become a slave to the next Neighbours Wife: For no man [Page 82] may be the Ruler of his own House. In this Countrie, when the Wife goeth forth, either to Wars, Con­sultations, or for pleasure, she leaveth her Keyes, and therewithal her Go­vernment, unto her Maid, or her Daughter: either of which if the Husband once mutter against, his shoulders are sure to pay for it soundly at his Wives return, unless he can beg or buy the silence of the Deputie-Governess. They never lye with their Husbands, but when provinder pricks them: (for they hold that it would procure too much familiarity) notwithstanding, if the Husband arise not out of his Cabin in the entry▪, before the Wife be warm in her bed; and coming up stairs barefooted [...], do not knock thrice gently at her Chamber-door, and offer her his service with a soft low voice, he is sure to have a great deal of pains and labour bestowed on his ribsthe next day.

[Page 83]The Women of this Country ob­serve a fashion contrary to ours; for they clip their hair, and let their nails grow long: 'tis supposed that they do thus, that there may be less hold taken by the assailants, and more by themselves. There are al­so certain amongst them that profess the Trade of the Noble Science, and keep Free-Schools, wherein the rest are taught all the Wards of Offen­sive and Defensive, both of Heels, Nails and Teeth; as also the most exact and judicial method of clawing off the skin of mens Faces, putting out eyes, byting of arms, wringing of ears, and tearing of beards: these Lectures they are instructed in, both by precept and practice.

The men are all their drudges, to wash, wipe, scoure, and [...] all that is to do in the House, is expect­ed from them; yea, even to dr [...] all the meat: so that I imagine it i [...] ▪ [...] a mans esteem of the undecencie of [Page 84] such businesses, (not any unableness of his to discharge them) that maketh him eschue such imploy­ments. Believe me, there are no foul spots to be found in any place in the Houses here, saving on the mens Clothes; but these are so fil­thy, that they are certain remarques how they neglect themselves, as much as the Women neglect them; notwithstanding, go but abroad in­to the Fields (which are the womens charge to see to) there you shall finde the hedges broken down all at six and sevens, unlookt to, in a most careless, ruinous and destru­ctive manner. The very Walls of their Cities are half down; and that which standeth is so disgracefully framed, that the very stones seem to beg to be at mans disposure, and to abhor the ordering of woman­kinde.

Thus I travelled, as I have alrea­dy given the Reader an account, [Page 85] through most parts of the Shee­lands; but perhaps he may not for all this rest satisfied, till he ask me a question, which I am confident will be, Why I passed not through that part of the Modestianians, where the Women of Black-swan­mark had their Habitations? Truely, I hold my self unfortunate in that one thing alone, that I could not be so happy as to describe that State as well as the others, seeing that my minde presageth unto me, that it excelleth all the rest of the fore­named. For the present, I can say no more then thus: that there is such a people, my Friend, I'll assure thee; but the Region wherein they inhabit I could never come to dis­cover, only the name I brought from the ancient Chronicles of other States; and that, as I said, should be Black-swan- [...]ark, because a chaste and rare woman is, as Juvenal writes, Rara avis in terris, nigro (que) simil­lima [Page 86] cygno. Indeed there are some of them that live as Anchoresses, and Hermetesses, in the craggy De­serts, in some other part [...] of the Shee-lands; but these [...]nhabitants are generally unknown, and almost inaccessable; [...], notwithstand­ing, are the Mo [...]steries, whither (as it is reported) the [...]a [...]est, chastest, and most zealous of the Shee­landresses do [...]l [...]ily retire themselves: he that will take the pains to search those vast Deserts, may questionless meet with some of those holy Votaresses: I did light in my solitary wandrings by chance of one or two of them, whose vari­ety of Vertues, Beauties, Behavi­ours, have left me in an extasie to this very hour: but our young Tra­vellers are too idle to venture upon so hardan inquest; that is the cause why they have no other colour to cover their slothfulness by, but by unjustly alledging the smalness of [Page 87] the number of modest and honest women. Indeed, considering how dangerously rude those places were that I passed, I know that my Rea­der cannot but admire and inquire how I got safely through them: Faith I'll tell thee truely how, mine age, my habit, and good advice, were my Patrons and Conductors in all this perilous adventure. My habit was manlike, and my face womanlike (for I had yet no beard:) and besides, in some places I found some of my own Comerades undertakers in the same Voyage with me; and these, like true Friends at need, gave such discreet directions, that (as Aeneas did by Sy­billa) I following their advices, got me at length, as I have informed you, through the She-lands; first passing through all the dirty Fens of Blubbe­rick, where the women will fall a weeping upon any wager when they list; & so through the Mushrumpali­an Mountains, till finally I came into [Page 88] the confines of Prince de l' Amour. In this following relation I shall pur­sue the same course as I have all this while done, onely to take no­tice of the most remarkable passages and places. In the Eastern parts of these Dominions are two famous Castles of great importance, Idle­ness, the School of Prince de l' A­mour; or Libertinism, or Licenti­ousness, the Paradise of Venus, where the men are ordinarily oblig'd to take the Governours to task, to gain free and favourable access to the Court; and towards the [...] parts there are two houses, called Beggars▪ bush, and the Lovers- [...]olly, like our Bedlam and Bridewel; to the which, most that follow this Court are forced to go seek for attestation of their life and manners.

Prince de l' Amour, who Reigns over all the people of this Country, is a young Prince that never grows old, nor does he easily admit of any [Page 89] ancient people to dwell in his Land, except it be to serve for Buffoons in the Play: all his designs are taken at random; for he never consults or takes counsel in any thing: 'Tis thought he is Loves Brother, the So­veraign of all Monarchs; but he must then be his bastard - Brother, the Childe of Nature and of disorder, who hath unluckily usurped his Name and Arms; and 'tis certain, that his affairs are mingled more with interest then affection, and the irregularities of debauchments are ever more there, then the right rule and conduct of Reason.

At the entrance of this Court there is a place called Cajolery, open on all sides, which hath been made very spacious by the ruine of ano­ther ancient Temple of Modesty, which also otherwhile stood in that place; which when I was acquaint­ed with, I sadly resented, as plainly perceiving that I should never ap­proach [Page 90] Modestiana, or the Island of S [...]ame-stead, till I returned into my native Country of England. To this place of Cajolery, every day all the hired whisperers, the greatest ad­mirers of little-nothing [...], and many animated Idols, which must be wor­ship'd right or wrong, do constant­ly repair: whatsoever strangers arrive amongst them, they presently en­tertain them with all the pleasures that their Houses and Tables can afford: come to any of them with a dust - licking - Congee, and some three or four Vostra Signiora's, Spa­niard-like, and either commend his good Face, his Perriwig, his new Clothes, his fair Hand, his fine House, or season but his affection with an admiring applause; and this your obsequiousness shall purchase you an Hoste, whose curtesie will imagine nothing too dear for you: good words and fair promises are the monies that these people use. This [Page 91] place may be called Clawback, or Soothing-court, it being peopled with the strangest Monsters that e­ver man beheld▪ [...]hey bea [...] every one two Faces, and speak with two Tongues, as they know how to sooth and backbite: they carry the shapes of Apes upon their foremost parts, and all behind of Dogs; so that they seem [...] be a confused com­position of Man, Ape and Dog. That there are such Monsters, let reverend Munster in his Cosmogra­phy serve for a testimony, who de­scribeth certain Indian people that are partly thus formed.

They make themselves as volun­tary slaves to the Magnifi [...]oes, as if they were born to servitude. And albeit they are so [...]ot [...]ish, that of their own heads they can enterprise nothing praise-worthy; yet can they imitate and counterfeit any action that they see done before them; the World hath not the like for forging such [...] resemblances.

[Page 92]They never wear attire, never speak word, never do deed, but they see and hear the like. Whilst I was there, they halted all upon one leg, and went spitting and spawl­ing all the day long, because that Signior Tickle-ear, their Governour, of late had hurt his foot, and with­al was troubled with an old pockie Catarrhe. They are most of them Barbers, Taylors, Panders and Pro­curers, Parasites and Lick-spittles: There are also by report some gal­lant Courtiers amongst them. But however, your Spanish Mimick is a meer Ninni-hammer to these Claw­back-Courtiers; speak but, or look but upon one of them, and ye shall presently have him kiss his hand, cringe in his ham, stroke with his foot two yards of dust; and with a laborious Congee, like an Eccho, bandy the last word you spake all the Room about; and with an ap­plauding [...]leere, return upon you [Page 93] with all the gracious terms that his invention can possibly vent; toge­ther with a whole Heralds-office of titles, and top-beauty Excellentiaes; and then putting his Lips together with another Bascio delli mani, stand hovering at your next speech, to hear how his last stood to your liking. Then do but you approve him, and talk on, and whatsoever you say (be it scarcely sence) shall into his Table-book, as an Oracle, for a more then humane conceit. Then will he stand with his eyes fixt on the Skies, and adore you (as a Drunkard doth Bacchus) on all four.

Such Fellows acknowledge no God, but the man that they make choice of to serve; and him they observe with more prayers, sacri­fices and adoration then any Idol could exact. Now all this they do with one of their Mouths onely: marry there is not a word comes out [Page 94] of this mouth, but the other (their Dogs mouth) doth forthwith secret­ly retract, and disclaim; for if they say to your face, God save you; when you turn about, they mumble to themselves a backside - comple­ment, that is, either The round pox take you, (which is twenty poxes beaten into one) or else The Devil take you, which with them is twice farewel.

In this place one may also behold walking Shops well enough furni­shed, but that the Wares are heap'd together in confusion, and great disorder; the Merchants also sell Praises and Incomiums, on all man­ner of Subjects, for nothing; onely with this condition, not to examine the goodness of the Commodities, as the truth of their protestations of friendship, the sincerity of their oaths of fidelity, and the reali [...], of their idle wishes to interested per­sons. They have also their com­plaints [Page 95] for non-acknowledgements, their seeming despairs, and a multi­tude of [...]ine words that these Court-Parrots are ever furnished with, and carry about them; sweet expressi­ons they have indeed, and affected regrets at your departure, together with a thousand dainty comple­ments for a four hours tedious ab­sence. They are permitted to deal in Masks of what kinde soever, and are to be found at Jealousies Quarters, where they commonly make use of them to deceive Rivals, and spoil sports.

This City of Prince de l' Amours is the Venus, the Eye and Lustre of all Cities Terrestial, (for the beau­tiful women that inhabit there) it being by some called [...]ivit [...]s A [...]ge­lorum. There are in the whole cir­cumference of the Walls just six­teen Gates: The Geometrical form thereof is neither Circular nor Oval, but of a mean proportion between [Page 96] a Cylinder, and a reversed Pyra­mid, just like unto the pourtrai­ture of a mans body: your under­standings cannot be unacquainted with such a general draught as this, except you are onely Scioccoes, and never saw Belgia in the form of a Lyon; Italy, of a Leg; Morea, of a plain Leaf; Spain, of an Ox Hide; the West-Indies, of a Fishes Lungs; all Europe in the shape of an Em­press. He that hath but seen these, and shall but view this Town, must needs avow directly, that he beholds the lineament either of some Col­lossus, laid all along; or else of Pro­metheus, as he lyeth bound upon the Mount Alazar. In this City is a place called, the Palace of good For­tunes, where Prince de l' Amour re­ceives his Courtiers most secret ho­mage. This Palace of good Fortunes is a house of pleasure, whose Foun­dations were laid by Nature; upon which Art hath since raised very [Page 97] handsome Edifices and Decorati­ons. The Gates are all made of false pleasures, and the rooms fur­nished with lost shame; and the most secret passages may all be call­ed a scandalous Mystery. Silence commands there sometimes, but for the most part Indiscretion, and some­times Distaste doth let in false re­ports, which are Fames fore-runners; upon whose least buz, she must needs sound an Alarm with her Jews trump, and make a tatling with her hundred Tongues. This Pa­lace stands in a Valley so closely barricadoed with Trees, Hedges and Bank [...], that it is neither facile to espie or approach it; those one­ly that are free can have the privi­ledge to enter at pleasure, though [...] be the utmost aims of all the A­ [...]oroso's; and so ambitious they are of honour, that many will often per­swade people they have come from thence, when indeed they could never get in there.

[Page 98]They are all well acquainted both where it is, and know the ways which lead thither; but as there are many several Paths, and those very differing and distant one from ano­ther; each one takes that course which he findes most convenient, and best to agree with his own fancie and condition.

Some walk the plain way of de­lighting and pleasing; which is in­deed the fairest, and the least perilous of all.

Others chuse the Golden path; which without doubt is the most certain, and in which one goes farthest in a short time: but all the World cannot go this way, it being onely reserved for rich men, (the Golden Calves of this Age) and others of the like gang.

There are some that tread in the road of Opportunity, which is none of the worst ways; but they must be careful to look often on their [Page 99] Watches, lest they loose their Tyde and Market-hour; for Take a Lady in her humour, &c. Others there are that rely upon the Path of Obli­gation; but this is the farthest way about, most troublesome, and more uncertain then all the rest.

Last of all, there are some that make their passage through the Fort of Enterprises; which is the shortest cut of all indeed, but it is dange­rous; and because of Countermines, it being so inaccessible a place, oft­times the Traveller is constrained to return back the same way that he came.

Not far from this Palace of good Fortunes, on the top of a Mountain there standeth a Castle of all Ghri­stal, not wrought by any Art of humane power, say the Inhabitanrs, but by the Goddess Fortune (For­tuna favet fatuis, is a saying not so old as true) she being (upon some distaste of the gods) banished from [Page 100] Heaven, her blind Ladyship set up her rest here, and built this her se­cond Terrestrial Heaven. And from hence she spreads her goodness through the World: here she sits giving all abundance, that the most credulous servant she hath can pos­sibly expect: nay, be his expectation constant, 'tis believed he cannot chuse but obtain it: Hither do men and women flock, but especially from Foppiania and Coxcombia; there is not one (almost) high or low, in those parts of the World, but have seen this Mount (and others upon a further discovery will ascend it.) Men talk of Saint James of Compo­stella, our Lady of Walsingam-Hall and Sichem, &c. they are, or will be, desert and desolate places in respect of this: Here the Pilgrim lyes prostrate in the Valley, in de­vout expectation of the Goddesses call; here the people are as thick as ever Hail-stones lye in the high­way [Page 101] after a frosty storm: yet may not any person living approach the ascent of the Hill, until such time as the Priests of the Castle do hang out the White Banner, and that is a sign that the Goddess is pleased that they shall ascend: and then they all cry with one voice, making the Skies rebound again, Madona Scoperta (the Italians cry so, unveiling the Picture of the Lady of Loretto) and then, run that run may, one over another; every one crying out of the straitness of the passage up: Nor will the worst man there give place unto the best; so that sometimes you shall have them scold one with another, like so many disagreeing Neighbours in an Alley; and sometimes to it by the ears with dry blows, every one in the com­pany thrusting on him that was be­fore him, and flouting them that are behind. Here did I see certain of them that durst not venture on the [Page 102] crowd, grown even hoary with ex­pectation, and yet had not means to get up the Hill. But what do they that get up? Faith, desire to have themselves called together; never­theless each one begged that it would be the Goddess pleasure to grant him his desires first.

You shall have one praying for the attainment of his way-ward Love; another, onely that it should please Fortune to send him a Wife that was no shrew; a third, for Honour; a fourth for Riches; every man as he lik'd and had occasion: and there you should have twenty beseeching for such a wealthy mans death; and as many for the burial of so many Church-men, that they might pass from reversions to the possession of this or that fat Benefice: there sate a crew of ill-faced-Wenches, and their snir was for beauty: there was an old Wife also, with as many Oak Trees in her Mouth as Teeth, and [Page 103] she expected to be restored to her youth again: and as many more Sui­tors (you must think more then I can now well remember.) Now the sign of admission being given (as I said) up Hill go all that can go up, not on their feet (for that were, as it is esteemed there, too much pre­sumption) but upon hands and knees: and with great reverence, I warrant you: being gotten on the midway, one of the Priests enter­tains them courteously, and inquires every particular mans name and Country; which when that he heareth, he proclaimeth with a loud voice as ever had Stenior, a fellow that in Homer had a voice as loud as five voices, who was appointed partly to give notice to his fellows, and (as some think) to the Goddess her self, what guests were arrived; and partly by this means inquiring the piety of them, to know ere that they came any neerer, whether they [Page 104] address with the faith and purity that is required: for if they ap­proach thither guilty of any crime, she hangs out her Red Banner, as a sign that they must be removed into the Cloisters, where they must be kept till they are able to salute her with a purer soul, and pass the re­sidue of their journey with a lighter purse. But if the Goddess likes them at the first, the Priest without any Ticket admits them, and so lets them pass, with these words, Believe, expect and Hope; and so God b'w'ye. On go they as cheerful as Pies, until they come to an Iron­threshold, a little below the steps that ascend to the Castle-gate: Upon which Iron this Distick is written.

[Page 105]The Castle-gates are kept by a rigorous Porter; yet Money will make him to do any thing: the en­trie is so narrow, that it seems to be rather a hole then a gate: but after you are crept once in, then shall you see a house more like a heavenly then an earthly; all Pearl and Gold, whose lustre dazles the eye to look upon it, and whose external view promises no less then the height of happiness. I omit to speak of the form of the Temple, the Priests Ha­bits, Orders and Offices; these, for brevities sake, I wittingly over-pass. At length, when you have viewed all (for you must needs bestow a little time to gaze upon this Pile of admi­ration) comes another of the Fla­mines to you, and taking you by the hand (having first blindfolded you with a Linnen-cloth) he leads you through a hundred turnings, indeed whither he lists; but as fond men believe, unto the Temple of [Page 106] this good Goddess, whom mortal eyes must not behold; and therefore you are muffled: now you must couch, and kiss the sacred pave­ment; and lye so without once moving, untill that the Goddess call you by your name; and then ask boldly what you please: do but effect what she commands without delay or distrust, and were your request (say they) never so hard, it shall be fulfilled. Well, but (you will ask) what is the end of all this ceremonious observation? By my troth a ridiculous one, able to move the gentlest spleen alive; they are all singularly and ingeniously Coney­catcht, men and women, rarely fetcht over, and with Arts quintessence: and yet for all that, this Art is so secret, that though no man pass this trial, that is not made an Ass; yet every one had rather blame his own slothfulness and incredulity, or else believe that he had committed some [Page 107] mistake, rather then so much as once to glance at any imperfection in the power of the Goddess. Well, having propounded your petition, (suppose it be Honour) the Goddess assents to it most graciously, commanding the suppliant first, after some hours, to take a potion, whereby his spirit may be the better adapted to the ensuing felicity; and then to lay him down again until she call him the second time: which if he do but rightly observe, he shall assuredly (as they say) be crowned with his full wishes, to continue enstalled in happiness for ever, and to have al­ways the same cause to be grateful to the Goddess for her heavenly be­nificence.

It passeth; the suppliant taketh the cup, and drinks it all off, praising in his own thoughts the drinks de­licious taste; being utterly ignorant, that it is but onely a potion com­pounded of Poppy, Opium, Lettuce, [Page 108] and other such procurers of sleep [...] but the effect is the trial; he falls a­sleep, ye may turn the house out at the Window (if you can) and ne­ver awake him: and then is he haled up and down the room like a dead Carcass, by the Villains that officiate; and when they have laught at him till they are weary, they lay him in a rich Bed, in a Chamber like a Kings, cieled with Ivory, and arched with Golden Pillars, where all the Tables spread with rich coverings, the Arras of Compania, and the Tapestrie of Alexandria, are but Sack-cloath to them.

About the door stands a company of attendants all bare-headed, each in his Golden Chain at least, and all Courtier-like accoutred, expect­ing when this Endymion junior will awake: that Minion of the Moon is said to have slept fortie years toge­ther ere he 'wak'd (this Moon-calf sleeps commonly not above three [Page 109] daies after he hath taken the poti­ [...]n) who then lifting up his head, [...]eholds all the room with amaze­ [...]ent (as well he may;) and seeing all this fair companie of shining at­tendants, is wholly transformed with wonder [...]s whilst they in the meantime approach all in order with a cere­monious revarence to salute the a­waked great person, to whom they wish health and fortunate days: Mass thinks he (taking more then ordinary state on him) this is brave. They humbly approaching him, ask him what apparel his Highness will be pleased to wear to day: your suit of Gold-smiths work? your suit of Tissue, imbrodered with Rubies? your Cloath of Gold Dou­blet with the Carbuncle-buttons, or your Pearl-powdred-Vest? Tissues, Rubies, Carbuncles, Vests? Hey da! (he could not remember that in all his life he was concerned with Tay­lors for any such Apparel) howso­ever [Page 110] he was so well pleased and va­liantly contented (as he imagined the Goddess Fortune had made him already such a Courtier) as that he resolved never to pay any Taylo [...] bills; he is an Endymion indeed now, and will not change states with the Man in the Moon, for all his fulgid glittering Throne that he sits in. Well, rich Cloaths are brought him indeed; every man helps this mighty person on with them, as one says,

‘Dant digitis gemmas, dant longe monilio collo.’

Set a Diadem upon his head adorn­ed with Pearls of incredible great­ness and lustre. All this goes well on still, thinks he; yet would din­ner were ready, he wished, and whispered it privately to himself: for (though he found his own [Page 111] Highness very hungry) he could not, if one had told him so, believe that he had eaten no meat for three days. He no sooner thought thus (for he imagined that it did not con­cern his greatness to speak to his at­tendants of so ordinary an affair which would follow in course:) as I said before, he no sooner thought it, but immediately dinner was pre­pared and served up all in state; such raritie of services, such brave attendants, such ravishing Musick, such Mirth! Pho, nineteen Muses cannot give a man words to de­scribe it. And thus the whole day was spent, as time ye know will pass: his fine Holiness thought all his own still. Well, night comes up with supper, and up supper comes, with as rich, nay, richer purveyance and attendance then waited on the Dinner: and for a conclusion to the [...]east, his i [...]gined Highness hath the [...]other draught [Page 112] given him of the same holy potion, which presently lockt up his sences, in a sleep as profound as the for­mer: and then his poor twelve hours greatness, being, as Virgil says,

‘I am simul expletus, dapibus, vino (que) sepultus,’

‘Gorg'd with good cheer, and wrapt in sleepy wine.’

Is carryed out at a Postern, stript out of his Tissues, his Rubies, and all his Gold-smiths work, and re-in­vested in his old cloaths, (which with his being dragged about, were made somewhat durtier then they were before) and so laid out in the High-way for passengers to gaze up­on; where when he awakes, he falls into as great amazement as be­fore; and remembring how glori­rious a bliss he was enthroned in but yesterday; and finding himself now utterly deprived of all, he falls a lamenting with a heu quo decidimus, [Page 113] miserably deploring, and bitterly [...]ursing either his own sloath, or deafness, that he did not give ear (as the Goddess had charged him) to the second call: Oh, how he cursed himself for his gross ingratitude [...] who being placed in so high a feli­city, that he should neglect to pay the Goddess her high tribute of thankfulness! So away he goes weep­ing and wayling, with this word continually in his mouth, Fuimus Troes; I was whilom a brave fel­low! exhorting all persons to take example by him (as they use to say at the Gallows) he desired them ne­ver to be negligent, never thank­less, but to proceed though con­fidently, yet withal warily, to o­bey what the Goddess enjoyned; and then they could not fail of feli­citie. Such had I once (said he) been, but now by mine onely folly, I have lost it all, everie part and parcel of my former greatness. Now everie [Page 114] one that heareth him, thinks this; I hope to take better heed then so; and they hoodwinck themselves ere ever they come there. 'Tis strange that the people of these parts having two such strings to their [...]ow, should so many of them nei­ther get preferment at the Court or Palace, nor at the Castle of the Goddess Fortune, being served at both in the same manner; so that many of them precipitate themselves into the Abyss of Despair, which i [...] some distance of place, both from the Palace and Castle of the God­dess Fortune: but the wiser sort of them take sanctuarie in a place call­ed Turn-again Chappel: this Chap­pel is built on firm ground, separate from the other places by an Isthmus very dfficult to pass over; 'tis under the Tuition and Government of Captain Repentance, who alone hath the power to give a free pas­sage; he is a melancholy, but very [Page 115] wise person, pious and charitable to those which address themselves to him. He doth not use to give ear to the first complaints of such as onely sigh for their misfortunes, or curse the disorder of their lives; but he penetrates and pierces the bottom of the heart▪ and will ex­amine the sinceritie of it; and never assists any but those which fix upon a constant and firm resolution to quit their impertinent, covetous and ambitious fancies; and then he con­ducts them safely into that miracu­lous Chappel, where as soon as they are arrived, their eyes are unsealed and opened, so that they clearly and evidently perceive how blind they were; and discover that all what before they had beheld in their fancies; was but imposture; that all the sweetnesses of changeable Fortune, are but sugared poisons; that the false pleasures of this life do ever produce real pains; that [Page 116] the happiest of them are continually on the rack, that these outward injoyments are onely vails cast over the troubles and sorrows which await them inevitably; and that there is no place more unhappy and bad then that which is called the Palace of Good Fortune; that in truth it is the Trap for wanton and impudent youth. Thus taking bet­ter resolutions and desires, some walking a quite contrary Path to that which before they had strayed in, they injoy a true and happie peace and satisfaction, which before, in the greedie prosecution of their Fortunes, they had in vain sought after; and so by this means are re­stored to their perfect mindes.

'Tis true, that behind the Palace of Good Fortunes, there is a Garden of a fair extent, which is called the Court of Recompence or Reward. At this word there are few but will imagine and fancie that here is a [Page 117] Terrestial Paradise: but though Art doth every day strive to embel­lish it, yet it seems to be a placè where Nature brings forth nothing but troubles and miserles; the hedges are Thornie and Bryerie; there are no Flowers but blasted [...]Pans [...]y [...], weeping Daffadills, and worm-eat­en fool-coats; and no plants but Ru [...], Worm-word, and Floreamour; no [...] a­ny Fruits but choak-Pears: the Foun­tains indeed flow on both sides, but the waters are for the most part bit­ter; but set them be bitter or sweet, I am resolved no longer to tyre out my Reader with this tedious preach­ment, but to go on jovially with my following description.

In this Court of Prince de l' A­mour, are persons of all degrees, conditions, qualities and sizes.

Not that the Subjects of this State are considered under their divers ti­tles; for they are distinguisht by o­ther qualities far more illustrious.

[Page 118]Some are the sighers, ever cloath­ed with anxietie, and care of a deep sad thought-colour.

Then the wantons are always roabed with Gew-gaws, Nets, Gins, Weather-cocks, and such pretty Traps and Devices.

The Adventurers are in Habits of changeable Taffatie; these run in all roads, and yet never stray far from the Castle of Enterprize.

The glittering Gallants fair with­out and foul within, are considera­ble onely for their gay Trappings: these spend very much to little pur­pose, they are the onely make Fly­alls under the Moon; Dogs, Dice, Hawks, or Kites for a need, &c. are their Objects; they do nothing in the world (next to their hatred of learning) but invent how to spend: thus they flye out their Pa­trimonies (their Fathers were born before them) and when all is gone but their Clothes, then farewel to [Page 119] them also. These are those that call one another Dick, Tom, Jaok: and whither dost thou go to day? to a Play-house? to an Ordinary? to a Wench, &c? Alas poor Gen­tlemen! what's a man but his plea­sure?

When these new Inhabitants have cast all their whole Estate over­board, then they do either retire to other mens Tables, or else are main­tained at the publick charge in that same place, where stands that an­cient model of Cole-harbour, bearing the name of the Prodigals Promon­tory, which is appointed as a San­ctuary to Banckrupt Debtors: thi­ther flee all those for refuge that are cast at law, or feel themselves un­sufficient to satisfie their deluded Creditors; any of whom, if they pursue their Debtors hither, and force them from their protection whether they will or no, they are immediately accused as guiltie of [Page 120] sa [...]iledge, and so are thrown head­long down from the highest Tower in all the Territorie.

Those of this Countrie that have any Sons, assign them their full Pa­trimonie [...]re Nature allow them any Beard: and in case they dye before this time (if [...] can believ [...]) they leave all their Estate unto their Wives to dispose as the [...] list after­wards, without any [...] of pro­geni [...]: But if they have the fortune to burie their Wives, then do they lavishout more upon their Funerals, then would serve fo [...] ▪ Dow [...]ie to the ill favoure [...]st of their Daughters▪

Every man here a [...]ouches▪ him­self to be at least a Gentlem [...]n born: and pretend most of them to shew a Pedegree of ten thousand years before the world was created (which is somewhat beyond the descent of the Shentlemen of Wales) you shall have them shew you Galleries all drawn with thei [...] Lineal and Colla­teral [Page 121] descents; and yet when all comes to all, their Neighbours (without going to any Heralds-Office) are able to prove, that they had Coblers, Carters, Botchers, and Costermongers [...]to their Grand­fathers. Nor is there any of their more select Gentility, but hath his Countrie Farms, three or four, leased out to his Villia [...]oes, his retainers, and those are commonly Clawhack-Courtiers; otherwise, as their Proge­nitors did before them, they might have whistled for their Estates.

The [...]abble are of all hairs, con­ditions & understandings; Buffoons, Upstarts, Braggadochioes, Powder­ed Heads, and Pickled Tails, which, some say▪ of Millers are become Gentlemen; others affirm, that of Gentlemen they are turned Millers: I know not whether is the [...]ruest, since they wear the Millers Liverie on the Head, and the Gentlemans Badge at the Heel.

[Page 122]There are some others that in respect of any valiant use they make of it, might be armed with Tin onely. These stile themselves stout men, and strong wits; where­as, indeed, at the first encounter with any man of Mettle (though the Ladies have wept that Achilles was too hard for Hector) they are pierced to the quick without making any resistance. Let them swear all manner of oaths, no wise man will ever believe them to be valiant. As to their wits, they never speak but onely to shew themselves Criticks, and are onely much esteemed by themselves, though they are as much scorned by others; conceiving that they know all things (whereas, any thing but vice is above their capa­cities) omitting to learn that which is fittest for them, they would erect themselves (what should I call them otherwise?) as much as in them lies (if they could do more then what [Page 123] was done before) general deformers of Prince de l' Amour's Court.

These fellows, when they have strutted to their uttermost extent, the Ladies do but hate them. They do so much want ordering of them­selves, though they would pretend to regulate others, that they are the most impertinent, and will be ever held (but to little purpose) the most importunate presumers that attend that Court. They are so valiant (as I told you before) that none of them stir abroad unarmed: the Cut­lers trust them for Swords; and therefore (as they intend never to pay for them) they give them as freely away to their fellow-Cow­ards, whom one may disarm (though they swore, and stood upon terms) with one single well-managed To­bacco-pipe: For though they have their Ammunition hung about them, they are but onely hired, as so many Porters by Mars, who hath no o­ther [Page 124] occasion for them: Yet one of these Braggadochioes will be al­ways so accoutred, let him go but to my Neighbour Johns, he will have his moveable about him. If he meet any man that will not give him the Wall, Catzo del Diablo, 'tis presently slave draw, or else prepare thy self to kiss my pump, for the refarciation of my honour. They never make any journies forth, but they alway bring blows home; but verie seldom it is that they leave any behind them; for they run on fore­right, and dare not so much as look backwards. If any one of them chance to kill his enemie (it is so rare an accident for him to have such a stomack) that you need not to question, but that he turns Cani­bal, and feeds presently on him. They have no Laws, but all goes (when they are valiant) by might and main. He that is so couragious, if he be wronged, must be his own [Page 125] evenger, or else he may go home like a Fool as he came; for his Sa­ [...]acen-faced, Swash-buckler-com­panions, out of a pale almost dead fear, leave him to shift for himself; they'll be sure to run without a [...]ear or wound safe to the next Ta­vern, where they fortisie themselves, and build a sconce of a victorious never payment: and these are the height of their Atchievements.

The fairest place of all the Citie is the Market, called Royal, both for its excellencie, and for that the Prince is lodged in the middle of it, that so he may at one view behold the Rendezvouz of his Courtiers; so as at least to keep those (if it were possible) that are most enormons in awe.

This Citie is invironed with an infinite number of re [...]iring places, where the chiefest appointed Assem­blies and Meetings are kept, which are so many magnificent Temples [Page 126] consecrated to the new Deities of the Country: in the midst of a great many Portals, Stair-cases, Cells, Galleries, and Closets richly flourished and set forth, there is al­ways one place respected like a San­ctuary, wherein there is an Altar made after the fashion of those beds dedicated to the Pagan Gods, where, for the most part, lyes a Lady ex­posed to the publick view; hand­some, and richly adorned; noble, but accounted vain; sometimes wise, but still sufficient: and thither at her feet does the most illustrious of the Court resort to burn their In­cense, offer their Prayers, and sol­licite her favour to Prince de l' A­mour, that they may obtain en­trance into the Palace of Good For­tunes.

The people of this Country have no true setled Religion; they have many Temples indeed, but they do not go there to pray, but onely to [Page 127] see and to be seen, to scoff and jest, smile, wink, cavil, make matches, take assignations for debauches; and so they make the Cloak of Pietie a cover of their Drollery.

In this Citie there also is a great Obelisk of black Marble, on which all the Fundamental Laws of this State are written in Letters of Gold, of which these few following are the least considerable.

• 1. That Modesty, Discretion, and Reservedness, shall have no admit­tance into this State, unless they may be useful to such as are obliged to play under-board.
• 2. He that hath not wherewith to bestow, must provide himself of some rich Gull to defray all his charges.
• 3. After a long stay at the Park, or elsewhere, a good Husband that waits at home for his wife, may drink one glass of Wine to drive away Me­lancholy, [Page 128] but is absolutely debarred from cutting off [...] ▪ one bit to stay his appetite till his Lady brings home her Gallants with her to supper.
• 4. Whoever maked profession of Fidelity, shall be bound to justifie, that he is of the Race of Am [...]dis, or of the descent of Celadon; and in case that he cannot, he shall pass for an Idiot.
• 5. That the Husbands shall be o­bliged to keep those Children which themselves have not gotten, without troubling of their brains to know what the right father gives under­hand towards their maintenance.

And though Prince de l'Amour receives no homage, nor grants any considerable priviledges, but onely to the Natives; yet nevertheless, for the benefit and advancement of Trade, and inriching of his subjects, he suffers these four sorts of stran­gers to abide there.

[Page 129]1. The Begulled ones, which are a people so cunningly flattered and soothed up by their Wives, that they cannot believe any other par­ticipates with them in their de­lights.

2. The Cravens, which are in doubt, but dare not complain for fear of correction.

3. The Hard to be shod, thus named, because like Mad-colts they kick and fling, and play the Devils, to shun those knocks, which never­theless they are sure to feel; but the difference is this: the one is shod with the half-Moon on the Head, and the other at the Heel.

4. The fourth and last are the Jo­belins, who know they are dubb'd, but had rather quietly conceal their Horns in their Pockets, then have them in the view of all the world; besides the fear of the loss of their worshipful office, if they should un­derstand, [Page 130] or the sad ship-wrack of those profits and incomes maintain­ed by their Wives industry, and the favourites benevolence.

They marry Wives, and love them pestilently well for a while, keeping themselves truely loyal to their espousals, until they take some occasion of dislike with their old bed-fellows, or chance to behold another fairer then she: and then farewell Wife, and farewel with all my heart Husband (saith she) there is no love lost; for the Wife is com­monly as willing for to make an ex­change, as the man is: assure your selves that she is as ready to take a dislike, if her Husband be any way declining: just as our Citizens use a man; as long as he hath cash, you have him brow and bosome; but that failing, my Master is not within, Sir.

The currant coyn of this Country is stampt with a City-hen on the one side, and a Cuckoo on the other re­verse.

[Page 131]There are here some that are mighty courteous, many of them will use a stranger the first day, as if he were their own brother (though they never saw him before:) Marry the next they will pass him by, and forget that ever they saw him. They seldom or never proffer any thing which they do not call back at the next breath (you must take them at the first rebound:) Nor do they e­ver promise, but they afterwards forswear it; you are never sure till it be performed: nor do they for the most part perform any thing which they do not afterwards (though too late) recant and be very sorrowful for. They will not sell you any commoditie to day, but that they think they might have sold it dearer to morrow. They are as inconstant in the management of their Edicts, as the She-landers, for some Laws they alter everie year: For it is not fit (thus they defend it) [Page 132] seeing all mans life is mutable, that the rules of life should not be mu­table also, as well as the effects: besides, mans second cogitations be­ing generally more perfect, it were a strange slaverie to be tyed to a first Decree, that although the after­wi [...] be disliked never so much, it must not be altered.

But that which ought to gain Prince de l'Amour a greater renown, is, that having given Tax-gatherers libertie to negotiate in his Domini­ons, yet he never suffereth them to propound any new impositions to his Council, being still contented with the ancient duties; for in this Citie, he exacts nothing but frequent visits, deeps sighs, and fond (but well dissembled) desires, which are e­steemed common duties, and a ge­neral homage to all commers; and in these things wherein his vassals are the oftest pressed, they expose or tender onely the lips or the hands, [Page 133] except in some particular places where they add the breast: but in this Palace of Good Fortunes, tribute is taken of all, both of Nature and of Art; of all kindes, handsome and homely; and of all sorts of Animals young or old; of all Offices and Im­ployments, both in Citie and Coun­trie; keeping the Courts always o­pen to receive their payments both night and day.

The most eminent and most in­accessible place, is the grand Ma­gazin, fraught and filled with all sorts of Curling-Irons, Boxes▪ with Black-patches, Sweet-powders, Looking glasses, Masks, Ribbans, Hair-Bracelets, Pocket-Tortoise-Combs, Beard-irons, Essences, Cor­dials, Gums, Pomatums, and other like necessary Utensils: and round about this Magazin are the work­men, some of which are imployed to cut Patches, and lay platforms how hese Murderers must be planted for [Page 134] the best advantages, and to do the greatest execution; which onely the Master-workmen dare undertake, to compose artificial Beauties, to slab­ber over the Nose, and blanch the hands; to make all kinds of new-fa­shioned Trimmings, colored Plumes, and sweet Nose-gayes of all sorts of Flowers, and those in all seasons of the year, &c.

Some make profession of a new art of moulding and fashioning of Ladies breasts, undertaking to con­ceal those which are over-big, and to add a just proportion to those that are less perceptible. But their best workmen are the new-fashion mon­gers, Screen-fan-makers, expediti­oners of Sweet-meats, and Collations, Introducers to Plays, and Plotters for private Walks; and nothing is more dearly bought, or further fetched then a craftie cloak to hide a wanton visie, or a quaint excuse to lye alone one night, when to be sure some [Page 135] stinging Flea creeps in, and if disco­vered, then handsomely to pretend some rash mistake, or some other such like peticoat-slight, as the wit of a Chamber-maid is always furnisht withal.

A little without the Citie there are Publick Schools for the industrie of the young Fry, where of the seven liberal Sciences they observe two onely; to Say well, and to Do ill. Here you may go whistle and save your labour, as well as to come to meet with the shadow of a Philoso­pher, or to hear any Lectures read. And for the Laws of Nations, they make use onely of the rights of Na­ture, and common customs Nor do they much care to be great Doctors: everie peculiar man here, is both his own Teacher, and his own Audi­tor. There are some few Gewgawia­sters, who give themselves whol­ly to the invention of Novelties, in Games, Buildings, or A [...]a-mode Fa­shions; [Page 136] he whose device is the most exqui [...]ite amongst them, according to his invention hath a place assigned him. He that first devised to blow out bubbles of Sope and Spittle forth of a Wall-nut shell, is of as great renown amongst them, as ever was the first Printer or Gun-founder amongst us of Europe. These Gew­gawiaster are in great esteem there, yea and amongst the meaner sort also; insomuch, that many of them will not put out some new A-la­mode whimsical devises without their directions; yet these are count­ed Scholars indeed, for the wisest of them spend all their time in great licentiousness: but that which is most honourable amongst them, is, that they have given the Authority of Regencie to persons of Quality, who (how ignorant soever they are) sit in the Chair. The Women also keep the Academies, where all run a Tilt, and are very skilful to run [Page 137] at the Heart; they finde the Rings, and the men the Launces, and all other the like expences.

There are certain-hangers on, who would [...]ain get some allowance out of these publick Schools: These Fellows are like your Italian Moun­tebanks, who draw the people toge­ther to see the effects of some rare Unguento, distilled water, or some other strange Engines: these cheats and impostures would make these Academians understand (which as fond as they are) they are resolved (that as they cannot, so they will not) that out of the basest Metals, by a secret Art (and that by St. Pa­trick a gainful one too) can draw the purest Gold. But in faith they did but laugh at them, and let wiser men but see and consider the toyl­some folly of these extractors: they are gull'd, and gull'd, and terribly gull'd themselves; yet can they not finde in their hearts to give over. A [Page 138] sort of them of late (as I was there informed) would needs go to the Oracle of the Castle of the Goddess Fortune, to know the event of that weighty business they had in hand. The Oracle presently gave them this answer, Travailez; that is, Take pains. Pho, home they come, as if they had gotten their God Mamm [...]n in a Box: and forward they went with their Circulations, their Subli­mations, their Conjunctions, their Fermentations, (their hard words) till all this headless action ended in put refaction, until Reputation and Revenues were both dead and rot­ten; whereas Libanius, one of their Authors, if these Fellows were in their right wits, hath set them down the true definition of Alchimy: Al­chimi [...] est ars sine arte, cujus scire est pars [...]um parte, medium est strenue mentiri, finis; mendicatum iri. And A [...]rosto, that excellent Italian Poet deals as plainly with them in his Orlando Furioso:

Whereas indeed, the Oracle gave them better counsel then they could comprehend, Travailez, Take pains, that is,

These Accademians are so unfor­tunate to have some▪ amongst them also which are called Poets, who are never here likely to be crowned with Lawrel, (because that [...]re [...] is an enemy to the Vine:) nor yet with Ivie, for they are none of Mi [...]ervaes Birds. These drunken Rimers here with their Trade, are not able to purchase Ale, much less Sack. They are the very off-scum of the basest rabble on the surface of the Earth; I was grieved to the vary heart, to hear that any should give them that [Page 140] sacred name of Poet, as Antigenides in his Apuleius was, that Horn win­ders should be called Corneteirs. They are the veryest Lack latines, and the most unalphabetical Rake­shames that ever bred Louse: they cannot make two doughty rythmes in their Mother tongue in two hours; and yet these cocking, narrow­brim'd, tinder-cloakt-shagrags, confederates with Tale-tellers, Jest­breakers, made a shift to live by o­ther mens Trenchers; these Flyes are drunk in every mans Glass; e­very Country is thwackt with them, as an Orange is stuck close with Cloves; they fill all Ordinaries, Ale­houses, Coffee-houses, and intrude into Taverns with their Epistles, Encomiums, Stanzaes, Anagrams, Acrosticks, Epigrams, Epithalami­ums, Madrigals, Elegies, Epitaphs, (the Devil in Buckrom knows what) all the Pedlary ware of Parnassus, such as would make you blind, if [Page 141] you were to see them, and would blister your ears, and make you deaf to hear them read: these are those that have the managing of Masques at boarding and petty Schools, and dispose of the Page­ants at the Lord Mayors Shews, and do also bear the sway, and usurpover the new Ballad-singers.

Having thus given you an account of their publick Schools, I shall now acquaint you with another place, frequented with the bravest Wits amongst them: it is a noble Edifice which serves for a publick Library for the Amoroso's and Amoretta's; it is built of ridiculous imaginations, seldom accomplished wishes, and furnished with several Manuscripts, hitherto unknown in our vulgar language, as Canting, whereof these are the chief and the most studied.

The Mystery of Folly in three Vo­lumes; the first is the Simpletons ad­dress; the second is the Introducti­on [Page 142] to the Bedside; and the last is the Idiots behaviour there.

The Observations of the Heavens, to know the just time and tyde of Oportunity.

The trick to frizzle and curle the hair according to the features of the face.

An Epitome of such Amoretta's as repented before the latter Sea­son, with a recital of their disgraces who have been constrained to do so to their great regret.

The invention how with a little cost to gain much honour.

A Receipt book to cure long and troublesome Tumours and swellings.

The Misfortunes of an admirable Lady whom none ever courted with­out a Jeer.

The Contrasto of a pair of Amo­retta's upon the question, whether it were better to have a discreet or an adventurous lover, resolved in fa­vour of the last.

[Page 143]The Master - peece or Formulary of familiar Declarations to be made in secret, and the different tones of the voices to be used, with an exact observation of the when and where most convenient for the important Mystery.

The troubles of a perplexed Virgin, who having her choice of two Amo­rosoes, fainted at the difficulty of the Election, and after resolved to make use of both, that she might no more endanger life.

The disguised Barod, wherein is discovered the Mystery of negoti­ating without being suspected, ei­ther by old Mothers or young Hus­bands.

The Mediation of the Waiting-Maids, with instructions how to cajole them handsomely, and gain any servants good will and assi­stance.

The Art of Cheating on both sides, first to pick the pocket, and then de­ny the pleasure.

[Page 144]These Manuscripts and Books were written by several Authors; they are to be seen and perused in no other place but in this Library, where they are all of them chained, and not to be removed from thence: be that travels thither, and comes off generously with the Bibliothecary, may satisfie himself further, as con­cerning their more secret contents.

Within this City there are places ordained for Fine Petticoat-Skirmi­shes, and gilded Chariot-Turnaments. Now fine Petticoats are certain kinde of Animals that have neither feet nor teeth, but yet are very costly. There are some Petticoats which are onely of puff-work: these are sub­ject with the least gale or gust of temptation, seconded with a fit op­portunity, easily to be blown about their ears. There are other Petti­coat-Emissaries which are the onely News-carriers from the Palace of Good Fortunes, but in favour onely [Page 145] of such as will be conducted by them. Some likewise are Cross­grain'd Liveries, which a Husband never sees, but that these displeasing objects make him to have sore eyes; howsoever (he saves nothing by it) he must perform his duty unaskt-for, he must nevertheless bestow them against his Will. As for gilded Chariots & Coaches, they are pretty Engines to trundle wealthy Amoro­so's and Amoretta's about in. These have sometimes four Beasts to draw them without, and half a dozen Butter-Flies riding within. The first that enter Maiae's Park, are not always the happiest, but rather the last; for these being freed from the throng, they may the better execute their brave designs, advance, retreat, thrust forward, cast flaming Darts without burning, discharge Pistols without noise; amongst which many other of the City-Coaches are suf­fered to exercise, which though they [Page 146] make not so much noise, do as good execution, and many times come off and on with as great applause. In fine, amongst all their ordinary di­vertisements, this Mystery is the most publick, and yet the least understood; and those which cannot unriddle their winks and nods, and the Stenography of their black patches, their smiles and other sub­tile gesticulations, will take it onely for a confused noise and throng of Coaches, able to cause the Meagri [...] in ones head.

Nor is it more facile to finde out the nocturnal secret of their invisible Musick, which serves often but for a vail for their more private occasi­ons, and is but a kinde of a trouble­some confused noise to all that live nigh them, though it be a pleasing occupation for those who love to make merry at others costs; where­as, those which some Gallants call the Evaporared Ladies, will dance [Page 147] in any place without a Fiddle, sing good Prick-song without Book, and speak all things without fear or wit; nor do such harbour any malice, if you will believe them.

The Ladies of this Court, as of o­thers, do not all of them affect the same ways; for some climb over the Mountains of Advancement, o­thers creep under the Hedge of Li­berty and Toleration; but most love the close way of secret solitude, and [...] favourable opportunity.

There are some of this Sex like­wise, that now and then also chuse the Golden Path; but that is for the most part when they are absolutely necessitated, and led into it, by those two bad Guides, old Age and small desires.

But the best way for them, is a [...]ittle of the one, and a little of the other; half Water, and half Wine; and will be a great advantage to all such as can undergo a little, please [Page 148] a little, expect sometimes, and un­dertake other times, like Dutch-men, sail with every wind; and indeed such as these are ever most welcome to Prince de l' Amour's Court.

The Lady that is most cherished in the whole Court, and whose coun­sel is most followed, is the Mode; she is originally of France, a little wanton, but not unpleasing; her humour is fantastical, and very vari­ous; she condemns easily without any cause, that which she esteemed without a reason, and makes the Caprichios of some renowned Amo­retta, become a Law to all the King­dom: she is Controuler of all new­fashioned Stuffs and Colours; and as Women cannot confine them­selves within their just bounds and limits, but desire willingly to extend the same; so she undertakes for all things, yea, to their very language, insomuch, that none dare either do or say any thing, but it must be A­la-mode; [Page 149] yea, she hath so great a Vogue, and is become so puissant, that having stripp'd all other Amo­roso's and Amoretta's, of whatso­ever they possessed, to appropriate it to her self, if you ask any of them now what Hair have you? what Ribbands? what Head-tyes? or the like; they answer all, 'tis A-la-mode; nay, even their smiles and their gate is A-la-mode: In fine, 'tis a general obligation to have no­thing of their own, all must be A-la­mode.

But the most active person in this Court is an old Italian, named Intrigue; she is of an obscure birth, and hitherto Historians cannot dis­cover either her Father or her Mother: she always goes Mask'd, whether for the deformity of her Vi [...]ge, or to keep her self the most concealed she can, is uncertain. One cannot truly tell how she is habited, by reason she is so disguised: some­times [Page 150] she adorns her self like a great Person, sometimes she dresses her self like a Beggar; yea, some­times she hides her self under a Frock of as many different colours as a Painters Apron, getting by this means free entrance into those places, where otherwise she would become suspected. Sometimes she is like a Gypsie or Fortune teller; at other times she acts the part of a Pedlaress, and trades in Pins and Needles, Cut-works, Fanders-Laces, with all manner of such like bables. She walks more by night then by day, and oftner rides in a Coach then she goes on Foot: she never speaks but softly, and most commonly whispers in the ear: she vents nothing but deceipts, troubles, brawls, separation of body and goods, all manner of horn'd mis­chiefs. In fine, this good woman is a dissembling, ill-wishing, and the most wicked Beldam in the World, [Page 151] who nevertheless hath free access into the stateliest Closets, Bed-cham­bers; yea, even into Hermits Cells, and other places, both prophane and holy.

Besides these two already-disco­vered great Mysteries, those that are most welcome, and most sought for in all this Court, are the ill­match'd ones, not so called for any defect of Grace or Ornament, but beause they are young beauties condemned to suffer under the Ty­ranny of some old, doting, impotent, jealous sot; these seek for redress from the Privy-Council of Prince de l' Amour, where (Justice taking place) they obtained a dispensation, either to maintain a lusty Gentle­man-usher at home, or to wander abroad; and according to the di­ctates of their Consciences to enjoy all their own Liberties.

Besides these strange Cattle, there were those that would force you [Page 152] (whether you would or no) to look and gaze upon them; these were called the besmeared ones, of which there are three sorts; the White-Plaisterers, the Red-Painters, and the Varnish-Daubers, which last Flye the Sun as much as the other shun the Rain. Some of these their naked parts are so crossed over with over-gross paintings (as they use in M [...]scovia) that you would imagine you saw some Statue or Westminster-Tomb, rather then a living Crea­ture; such a Cart-load of false colours ensconce their fairest beauties.

To draw to a conclusion; amongst these Ladies there are the Admirable ones, which nevertheless have no­thing to be admired of them, but the name. And then the Precious ones, which at present were very common and cheap.

The Ravishing ones, that commit more rapes upon the purse then the hearts.

[Page 153]There are also the Perplexed ones, that have still ten plots in their heads, and twenty Gallants at their heels. Together with the little Mincing Minions, which ordinarily have as slender wits as wastes.

There were some also that have the titles of Saints, right Saint- touch­me-not, that would seem to be meer Platonick Idea's, which refuse all before the World, and deny nothing in a corner; Cum multis aliis.

The Air of this Country is so tem­perate and wholesome, that one seldom hears of any great maladies there; and if an Amoretta findes but the least change in her com­plexion, as any apparent redness, or the like, she makes her complaints to all the World, as if it were a most grievous out-rage that Nature had committed against Love: nor are they hindred from keeping their beds, provided that it be for some advantage to diversifie their game, [Page 154] or any other interest, which experi­ence alone can teach them.

But indeed there is nothing more delightful to behold in all this City, then the Flying-hearts, of which it is very full: they are covered with Flames and large Wings; and 'tis to be admired their Flames are so moderate, they do not scorch their Plumes: they court all the Ladies they meet, and tell them fine things in their ears; but are not much solli­eitious, whether they be respected or disdained: these are a Sect by themselves, whose Founder, 'tis said, was one certain Hylas; they have taken the History of Inconstant Lovers for their Directory, and their Motto is, Qui plus en aime, plus aime: in one and the same conversati­on, they pearch upon one Ladies shoulders, on anothers head, in a thirds lap; and are so tame, that they may easily be taken by any fair ones hand: they do homage to this [Page 155] Ladies Eyes, to that Ladies Hair, and pay tribute to their lips and breasts: they flye at all, and stay with none; laugh at every Lady, and are scofft at again; for these Flying-hearts can laugh as well as speak.

Expect not here (gentle Reader) any exacter description of this Coun­try, either of how I found it, or how I left it: you may better inform your selves, if you please but to take pains to give it such a visit as I did: if at your arrival there you do not sinde these Countries, as I de­scribed them to you, blame not any defect in me: for their forms of Government are so continually al­tered, that one may describe ye the shape of Proteus, or the colour of a Chamaelion, or tell ye what weather it will be to morrow, sooner then tender you any true knowledge of their discipline. For my part, I give the Portugals free leave to brag [Page 156] of their travels and large discove­ries; I reached to the hight of my ambition, when with safety I sa­luted my Native Soyl. Farewel.