MONTELIONS PREDICTIONS, OR THE Hogen Mogen FORTUNETELLER. Discovering as plain as a Pike-Staff, the Dark INTRIGUES, and Grand CATASTROPHES, carried on, or Designed in most parts of the WORLD.
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With Allowance, May 11. 1672.
LONDON, Printed by S. and B. Griffin, for Thomas Palmer, at the Sign of the Crown in Westminster-Hall, 1672.
MONTELIONS PREDICTIONS, OR The Hogen Mogen Fortuneteller.
ALthough we have ever been of Opinion, that the best of our Modern Prophtes have been only the most Lucky Guessers, and find the Press already opprest with Swarms of Prophetick Pamphlets, no less numerous, than Impertinent. Yet that the Blind World may see our Skill, either in Astrology, or Coskinomancy (that more Mysterious Art of the Sieve and Shears) is not a whit inferiour to the busiest [Page 4] of our fellow-Students, we have resolved on the Question to oblige the Publique (we mean Hawkers, and Coffee - Houses) by delivering our Sentiments on the present Conjuncture of Affairs, induced hereunto; for that not only our Brother, the Apollo of Clerkenwel Green, hath for some time disappeared to Mortals, being (as we are credibly informed) gone to Visit his Nurse at the Antipodes, but also because the heretofore active G [...]osequil of our beloved Pupil, the renowned Poor R [...]bin, is of late grown Dry and Stubbed, yielding little more than the Dregs of Red-Lettice Wit, or nauseous Repetitions. These Considerations we hope will be Apology enough (even in a Critick Conscience) and to offer more Reasons for Writing a Single-sheet Pamphlet, would be Absurd and Unmodish, since many of our great Authors now a dayes can shew none at all for their more Voluminous Scriblings, we cannot (to deal Candidly with or Readers) pretend to any Visions, Apparitions, Revelations, or strange Voices, though perhaps that excellent new Invention of, The speaking Trumpet (subtlely manag'd) might put not a few Giddy Heads on that account, into a Dotage beyond Tom in the Wood's. Angels either Coelestial, or Golden, we dare not boast Familiarity with; Comets they say are Generated above the Orb of the Moon, and so are too high for the Jacobs-Staff of our groveling Understanding, to find out their particular portents. The old new Star in Cassiopeia we shall not medle with, though we have heard our Nodding Grand-Mother in a Winters Evening, discourse thereupon so profoundly, till she fell a [Page 5] sleep; not trouble our self with any Oppositions that may happen between Saturn and Jupiter, as not desiring to Interpose in a Quarrel 'twixt Father and Son: Nor yet shall we put our selves to the unnecessary Charges of Building up Twelve Houses (meer Castles in the Air) in an Ill favoured Schem, not but that we Ken the Knack of those Coelestial Scotch-Hoppers too, as throughly as the most Huffing Taylor ith' Town: But out of pure Aversion to those Hackney Roads of Figures and Characters wherewith some pretend to Score out the Fortune of a Year, and Fate of Empires, in Terms so uncertain and ambiguous, that they may be Verified in any future Contingency whatever, we decline all those Amuzing Parades of Art, and without Clouds and Amphibologies, in plain English, and in Rhyme too, that I may appear the more Prophetick, do declare,
But because (according to the Grand Method we have alwayes pursued in our Writings) a more particular Account of the grand Matters impending may be expected, we proceed in the Stile of the most celebrated Sons of Art, and with all Caution and Sincerity, say: That from the vast preparations, both at Land and Sea, the Declarations of War lately Published on either Side, several Lowring Aspects of disaffected Planets, their Quarrelsome Positions at their vernal Ingress, and diverse other Secrets in Art, we may (on good grounds according to the Doctrine of the Antients) Prognosticate: That some Ruptures are at hand, or Acts of Hostility designed, or ready to break forth into Action in some parts of the World. And since Cancer is the Horoscopical Sign of Holland, and that none loves Butter'd Crabs better than a Dutchman; we are indu [...]ed to believe those very United Provinces may much be concerned in the formidable Catastrophes, whereof these Ph [...]enomina are the Indubitable Prod [...]omt. Not that we find by the abstrusest Rules of Geomancy, that the Hogen States are any more likely this year to Establish the Fifth Monarchy in an Universal Common-Wealth, than Sa [...]othy Levy, to Revive and Recollect the Ten scattered Tribes, for taking Possession of the Holy Land: Yet are we more than Confident, that Sage Aphorism of the late Deceased Plagiary Tresmeg [...]us in his Temple of Wisdom, will shortly be [...]uied to a hairs breadth, viz. That wherever [Page 7] contrary Fleets, or opposing Armies happen to meet, Contests will be apt to arise, and that several Persons by means thereof, may chance, against all Rules of Physick, to be Let Blood ith' Dog-days. About or rather much before which time we also discover, There will be heard strange and unusual Noises at Sea, to the great Affrightment of the Dolphins, and spoyling the Musick of the Syrens:
Immediately after which, the long contested Soveraignty of the Narrow-Seas shall be decided by a most equal Distribution, the Surface remaining in the Possession of his Majesty of Great Brittain (the undoubted Proprietor) and his Valiant Subjects, whilst the Bottom falls to the share of his usurping Enemies, as the just Reward of their unparalled Ingratitude; thereby replenishing the hungry Stomacks of Neptunes Scaly Inhabitants, who now Exercise Lex Talionis, and by Devouring their Devourers, produce of Metempsychosis of Bodies, that Pythagoras never dream'd of. For whereas a Dutchman is little more than Stock-fish, and Red-herring Fleshified, our Crabs and Fresh-Cod, will now be only Dutchmen Fishified. Thus a Ravenous Shark unnaturally Feasts on the fat Paunch of his own Brother, an overgrown Burgomaster, whilst Margery the Cook-maid startles to find the Finger and Sealring of Myne Heer, in the Belly of a Mackril, and the Rotterdam Frows deluge themselves in Tears for the loss of their Swil-Bottles.
[Page 8]We further find by the Hermetick Learning,
That Coffee-Houses (the Mint of Intelligence, and Forge of Lies) shall bee much frequented; and many a Pragmatick Fop spend his Six-pence there over Night, to hear News, that knows not where to get a Dinner next Day; who then with folded arms and croaking Guts, does Pennance for his foolish Curiosity. To supply these Randevouse of Idleness, with continual Novelties, the Press Spawns abortive Pamphlets, that swarm Abroad as thick as Flies in Autumn. And Fame sets up a Cheating Lotery, where for a Prize of Verity, you [...] forty Blanks of Falshood, and in a whole Volley of News scarce meet a true Report: We do not find his Holinesse much Inclinable to entertain thoughts of Marriage, but rather that if his Fancy should grow a little Rampant the Cholick and Stone, would mainly Obstruct his Delights in the Caresses of an Olympia. And seeing he Labours under so many Crosses, we cannot but reprove the uncharitableness of some Gifted Brethren, who in their Little Conventicles, Rail so desperately at a Civil Grave old Gentleman, whom they know no more than the Pope of Rome: The Grand Seignior may yet in spight of some foolish Prognosticators (who seven Years have threatned him with a Peck of Troubles) Live a long time as merry as a Fiddler, if the Mufty will but grant him a Dispensation to Drink now and then a [Page 9] Glass of Sack, but his Viziers Corn cutter will probably be hurried with multiplicity of Business: His Mightinesses Toes being sorely afflicted by reason to tedious Marches towards Hungary. The Crym Ta [...] ter in the midst of his Triumphs, is Tipt into his Grave by a Surfeit on Stew'd Truans. And may the Guardian-Angel of Green-Aprons, protect some eminent Senators nearer Home, from being choakt with Custaras, or admitted Knights of the Noble Order of the Bull-Feather, at a Masquerade: Stephen Ratzins, Brother Stenko, seems Instigated by Venus, Lady of the Seventh, in his Radix Retrograte, to send an Env [...]y Extraordinary to the States General, to demand in Marriage the most Ill [...]ustrious Bessabel, Daughter of the much Celebrated Van-Cobler-Hewson, that they may make a prudent provision for Futurity, and propagate a pretious Seed of Rebels and Boutefeus, to disturb the Peace of the next Generation. Munsterus that Hermaphrodite of State, who with his Crosses in one Hand, and Sword in th'other, looks like a Royston Crow of two Colours, parte per pale, Ingrail'd, Lay and Clergy, hovers with a wary Subtlety over the Heads of the furious Combatants▪ till Fortune declare on whose Crests she intends to Plant the Laurels of Victory, or takes up the Swissers Trade, and Cries, Who bids most for 30000. But Manet alta mente repostam, There is no playing one Game over Twice.
[Page 10]If the Forces of the most Christian King chance to set down before Maestricht, that unhappy Town will be in some Danger of a Seige, and rare it will be to see there so much Belly-Timber for a Breakfast, as is Confounded at a Guild-Hall Dinner; but a dried Sprat is excellent Commons for those in a Strait, that in their best Days thought a Red-Herring a Feast. Holland Cheese we confidently predict, will be a dear Commodity, but Butterboxes never so Cheap and Contemptible, it being but just all Nations should Bandy to Exterpate them, who have Confederated to Abuse all the World. If they have any Assistance, it must be from beyond the Line: For what Christian will be a Second to such Insolents? Nor can they appear Formidable since the Brandy that was wont to Inspire them with Valour is now prohibited. To conclude, Englands Genius soars high, the Lillies flourish, and may they ever retain their Colour; the Emblem of Integrity, the Justness of our Cause, the Conduct and great Example of our Leaders, conspire with our native Courage to bespeak a Victory. And though we know the Innate Valour of our Noble Seamen, and others concerned in this Expedition, needs not to be raised up by Hobling Rhyms, of a sorry Bard, yet to fill up their other Sheet, and that the Reader may be sure to have enough for his Two-pence, we have thought very fit to add this Ballad Loyal.
A BALLAD LOYAL.
The POST-SCRIPT:
SInce Mr. Lillies Predictions in his admired Almanack for the Year 1654. have made so much noise in the World, we cannot but think it convenient to transcribe from that celebrated Author a Short Prayer, which we think as pertinent to the present conjuncture of affairs, as any of the rest, which follows in the said book in these word,, ‘God grant us Vnity in the Church and give the Presbyterians so much love unto their Native Countrey, as to rejoyce when we worst the Dutch, and not to flag down their heads like sorrowful Rabbies at our Successes.’