AMPHITRYON; OR, The Two Socia's.
A COMEDY. As it is Acted at the Theatre Royal.
Written by Mr. DRYDEN.
To which is added, The MUSICK of the SONGS.
Compos'd by Mr. Henry Purcel.
LONDON, Printed for J. Tonson, at the Judges Head in Chancery-lane near Fleet-street; and M. Tonson at Gray's- Inn-Gate in Gray's- Inn-Lane. 1690.
To the Honourable Sir WILLIAM LEVISON GOWER, Bar.
THere is one kind of Vertue, which is inborn in the Nobility, and indeed in most of the Ancient Families of this Nation; they are not apt to insult on the Misfortunes of their Countrymen. But you, Sir, I may tell it you without Flattery, have grafted on this natural Commisseration, and rais'd it to a Nobler Vertue: As you have been pleas'd to honour me, for a long time, with some part of your Esteem and your good Will; so in particular, since the late Revolution, you have increas'd the Proofs of your kindness to me; and not suffer'd the difference of Opinions, which produce such Hatred and Enmity in the brutal Part of Human kind, to remove you from the settled Basis of your good Nature and good Sence. This Nobleness of yours, had it been exercis'd on an Enemy, had certainly been a Point of Honour, and as such I might have justly recommended it to the World: But that of constancy to your former Choice, and the pursuance of your first Favours, are Vertues not overcommon amongst English Men. All things of Honour have, at best, somewhat of Ostentation in them, and Self-love; there is a Pride of doing more than is expected from us, and more than others would have done. But to proceed in the same Tract of Goodness, Favour, and Protection, is to shew that a Man is acted by a thorough Principle: It carries somewhat of Tenderness in it, which is Humanity in a Heroical Degree; 'tis a kind of unmoveable good Nature; a word which is commonly Despis'd, because it is so seldom Practis'd. But after all, 'tis the most generous Vertue, oppos'd to the most degenerate Vice, which is [Page] that of Ruggedness and Harshness to our Fellow Creatures.
'Tis upon this knowledge of you, Sir, that I have chosen you, with your permission, to be the Patron of this Poem. And, as since this wonderful Revolution, I have begun with the best Pattern of Humanity, the Earl of Leicester; I shall continue to follow the same Method, in all, to whom I shall Address; and endeavour to pitch on such only, as have been pleas'd to own me in this Ruin of my small Fortune; who, though they are of a contrary Opinion themselves, yet blame not me for adhering to a lost Cause; and judging for my self, what I cannot chuse but judge; so long as I am a patient Sufferer, and no disturber of the Government. Which, if it be a severe Penance, as a great Wit has told the World, 'tis at least enjoyn'd me by my self: And Sancho Panca, as much a Fool as I, was observ'd to discipline his Body, no farther than he found he could endure the smart.
You see, Sir, I am not entertaining you, like Ovid, with a Lamentable Epistle from Pontus; I suffer no more, than I can easily undergo; and so long as I enjoy my Liberty, which is the Birth-right of an English Man, the rest shall never go near my Heart. The Merry Philosopher, is more to my Humour than the Melancholick; and I find no disposition in my self to Cry, while the mad World is daily supplying me with such Occasions of Laughter. The more reasonable sort of my Countrymen, have shewn so much favour to this Piece, that they give me no doubt of their Protection for the future.
As you, Sir, have been pleas'd to follow the Example of their Goodness, in favouring me: So give me leave to say, that I follow yours in this Dedication, to a Person of a different Perswasion. Though I must confess withal, that I have had a former Encouragement from you for this Address; and the warm Remembrance of your noble Hospitality to me at [Page] Trentham, when some years a go I visited my Friends and Relations in your Country, has ever since given me a violent Temptation to this boldness.
'Tris true, were this Comedy wholly mine, I should call it a Trifle, and perhaps not think it worth your Patronage; but when the Names of Plautus and Moliere are joyn'd in it; that is, the two greatest Names of Ancient and Modern Comedy, I must not presume so far on their Reputation, to think their best and most unquestion'd Productions can be term'd Little. I will not give you the trouble, of acquainting you what I have added, or alter'd in either of them, so much it may be for the worse; but only that the difference of our Stage from the Roman and the French did so require it. But I am affraid, for my own Interest, the World will too easily discover, that more than half of it is mine; and that the rest is rather a lame Imitation of their Excellencies, than a just Translation. 'Tis enough, that the Reader know by you, that I neither deserve nor desire any Applause from it: If I have perform'd any thing, 'tis the Genius of my Authors that inspir'd me; and if it has pleas'd in Representation, let the Actors share the Praise amongst themselves. As for Plautus and Moliere, they are dangerous People; and I am too weak a Gamester to put my self into their Form of Play. But what has been wanting on my Part, has been abundantly supplyed by the Excellent Composition of Mr. Purcell; in whose Person we have at length found an English-man, equal with the best abroad. At least my Opinion of him has been such, since his happy and judicious Performances in the late Opera; and the Experience I have had of him, in the setting my Three Songs for this Amphitryon: To all which, and particularly to the Composition of the Pastoral Dialogue, the numerous Quire of Fair Ladies gave so just an Applause on the Third Day. I am only sorry, for my own sake, that there was one [Page] Star wanting, as Beautiful as any in our Hemisphere; that young Berenice, who is misimploying all her Charms on stupid Country Souls, that can never know the Value of them; and loosing the Triumphs, which are ready prepar'd for her in the Court and Town. And yet I know not whether I am so much a loser by her absence; for I have Reason to apprehend the sharpness of her Judgment, if it were not allay'd with the sweetness of her Nature; and after all, I fear she may come time enough, to discover a Thousand Imperfections in my Play, which might have pass'd on Vulgar Undestandings. Be pleas'd to use the Authority of a Father over her, on my behalf; enjoyn her to keep her own Thoughts of Amphitryon to her self; or at least not to compare him too strictly with Moliere's. 'Tis true, I have an Interest in this Partiality of hers; but withal, I plead some sort of Merit for it, in being so Particularly as I am,
PROLOGUE TO Amphitryon; or, The Two Socia's.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE.
- JUPITER,
- Mr. Betterton.
- MERCURY,
- Mr. Lee.
- PHOEBUS,
- Mr. Bowman.
- AMPITRYON,
- Mr. Williams.
- SOSIA,
- Mr. Nokes.
- GRIPUS,
- Mr. Sandford.
- POLIDAS,
- Mr. Bright.
- TRANIO,
- Mr. Bowen.
- ALCMENA,
- Mrs. Barry.
- PHAEDRA,
- Mrs. Mountford.
- BROMIA,
- Mrs. Corey.
- NIGHT,
- Mrs. Butler.
AMPHITRYON; Or the Two SOCIA'S.
The Scene THEBES.
I have discharg'd my Duty; which was to summon you, Phoebus: we shall know more anon, when the Thunderer comes down. 'Tis our Part to obey our Father; for, to confess the Truth, we two are little better than Sons of Harlots: and if Jupiter had not been pleas'd to take a little pains with our Mothers, instead of being Gods, we might have been a couple of Linck-Boys.
But know you nothing farther, Hermes? What news in Court?
There has been a devillish Quarrel, I can tell you, betwixt Jupiter and Juno: She threaten'd to sue him in the Spiritual Court, for some Matrimonial Omissions; and he stood upon his Prerogative. Then she hit him on the Teeth of all his Bastards; and your Name and mine were us'd with less reverence than became our Godships. They were both in their Cups; and at the last the matter grew so high, that they were ready to have thrown Stars at one anothers Heads.
'Twas happy for me that I was at my Vocation, driving Day-light about the World; but I had rather stand my Fathers Thunderbolts, than my Step-mothers Railing.
When the Tongue-battle was over, and the Championess had harness'd her Peacocks, to go for Samos, and hear the Prayers that were made to her—
By the way her Worshippers had a bad time on't; she was in a damnable Humour for receiving Petitions—
Jupiter immediately beckons me aside; and charges me, that as soon as ever you had set up your Horses, you and I shou'd meet him here at Thebes: now, putting the Premises together, as dark as it is, methinks I begin to see Day-light.
As plain as one of my own Beams; she has made him uneasie at home, and he is going to seek his diversion abroad: I see Heav'n it self is no priviledg'd Place for happiness, if a Man must carry his Wife along with him.
'Tis neither better nor worse, upon my Conscience: he is weary of hunting in the spacious Forest of a Wife, and is following his Game incognito, in some little Purliew here at Thebes; that's many an honest Mans Case on Earth too, Jove help 'em; as indeed he does to make 'em Cuckolds.
But if so Mercury, then I, who am a Poet, must indite his Love-letter; and you, who are by Trade a Porter, must convey it.
No more, he's coming down fowse upon us, and hears as far as he can see too; he's plaguy hot upon the business, I know it by his hard driving.
I'll say that for my Father, he's constant to an handsom Family: He knows when they have a good smack with 'em; and snuffs up Incense so savourly, when 'tis offer'd him by a fair H [...]d.
Mine was a very homely Thought; I was considering into what form your Almighty-ship would be pleas'd to transform your self to night. Whether you wou'd fornicate in the Shape of a Bull, or a Ram, or an Eag [...], or a Swan: What Bird or Beast you wou'd please to honour, by transgressing your own Laws, in his likeness; or in short, whether you wou'd recreate your self in Feathers, or in Leath [...] ▪
Any disguise to hide the King of Gods.
I Love, because 'twas in the Fates I shou'd.
Here's Omnipotence with a Vengeance, to make a Man a Cuckold, and yet not to do him wrong. Then I find, Father Jupiter, that when you made Fate, you had the wit to contrive a Holy-day for your self now and then. For you Kings never Enact a Law, but you have a kind of an Eye to your own Prerogative.
Ay, Brother Phoebus; and our Father made all those Monsters for Hercules to Conquer, and contriv'd all those Vices on purpose for him to reform too, there's the Jeast on't.
Since Arbitrary Pow'r will hear no Reason, 'tis Wisdom to be silent.—
Why that's the Point; this same Arbitrary Power is a knock-down Argument; 'tis but a Word and a Blow; now methinks our Father speaks out like an honest bare fac'd God, as he is; he lays the stress in the right Place, upon absolute Dominion: I confess if he had been a Man, he might have been a Tyrant, if his Subjects durst have call'd him to account: But you Brother Poebus, are but a meer Country Gentleman, that never comes to Court; that are abroad all day on Horse-back, making Visits about the World; are drinking all Night, and in your Cups are still rayling at the Government: O these Patriots, these bumpkin Patriots, are a very silly sort of Animal.
That's but short warning, Father Jupiter: having made no former advances of Courtship to her, you have need of your Omnipotence, and all your Godship, if you mean to be before hand with him.
Then the VVorld's to be at an end, I find.
Or else a Gap in Nature, of a Day.
I'll lay on the VVomans side for all that; that she shall love longest to night, in spight of your Omnipotence.
When wou'd you have me wake?
But why must I be Sosia?
Madam Night, a good Even to you: fair and softly, I beseech you Madam: I have a word or two to you, from no less a God than Jupiter.
O, my nimble finger'd God of Theft, what make you here on Earth, at this unseasonable hour? what Bankers Shop is to be broken open to Night? or what Clippers, and Coiners, and Conspirators, have been invoking your Deity for their assistance.
Faith none of those Enormities; and yet I am still in my Vocation: for you know I am a kind of Jack of all Trades: at a word, Jupiter is indulging his Genius to night, with a certain noble sort of Recreation, call'd Wenching: The truth on't is, Adultery is its proper name.
Jupiter wou'd do well to stick to his Wife Juno.
He has been marry'd to her above these hundred years; and that's long enough in conscience to stick to one Woman.
She's his Sister too, as well as his Wife; that's a double tye of affection to her.
Nay, if he made bold with his own Flesh and Blood, 'tis likely he will not spare his Neighbours.
If I were his Wife, I would raise a Rebellion against him, for the violation of my Bed.
Thou art mistaken, Old Night: his Wife cou'd raise no faction: all the Deities in Heaven wou'd take the part of the Cuckold-making God; for they are all given to the Flesh most damnably. Nay the very Goddesses wou'd stickle in the cause of Love; 'tis the way to be Popular to Whore and Love. For what dost thou think old Saturn was depos'd, but that he was cold and impotent; and made no court to the fair Ladies. Pallas and Juno themselves, as chaste as they are, cry'd shame on him. I say unto thee, Old Night, Wo be to the Monarch that has not the Women on his side.
Then by your rule, Mercury, A King who wou'd live happily, must debauch his whole Nation of Women.
As far as his ready Money will go, I mean; for Jupiter himself can't please all of 'em. But this is beside my present Commission; He has sent me to will and require you to make a swing my long Night for him: for he hates to be stinted in his Pleasures.
Tell him plainly, I'll rather lay down my Commission: What wou'd he make a Bawd of m [...] ▪
Poor Ignorant! why he meant thee for a Bawd when he first made thee. What art thou good for, but to be a Bawd? Is not Day-light better for Mankind, I mean as to any other use, but only for Love and Fornication? Thou hast been a Bawd too, a Reverend, Primitive, Original Bawd, from the first hour of thy Creation! and all the laudable actions of Love, have been committed under thy Mantle. Prithee for what dost thou think that thou art worshipp'd?
Why for my Stars and Moonshine.
That is, for holding a Candle to iniquity: but if they were put out, thou wou'dst be double worshipt, by the willing bashful Virgins.
Then for my quiet, and the sweetness of my sleep.
No; son thy sweet waking all the Night▪ for sleep comes not upon Lovers till thou art vanish'd.
But it will be against Nature, to make a long Winters Night at Midsummer.
Trouble not your self for that: Phoebus is order'd to make a short Summers Day to morrow: so in four and twenty Hours all will be at rights again.
Well, I am edified by your discourse; and my comfort is, that whatever work is made, I see nothing.
About your business then: put a Spoke into your Chariot Wheels, and order the Seven Stars to halt, while I put my self into the habit of a Serving-man; and dress up a false Sosia, to wait upon a false Amphitryon. Good night, Night.
My service to Jupiter. Farewell Mercury.
Scene II. Amphitryon 's Pallace.
Good news, good news, Madam, O such admirable news, that if I kept it in a moment, I shou'd burst with it!
Is it from the Army?
No matter.
From Amphitryon?
No matter, neither.
Answer me, I charge thee, if thy good news be any thing relating to my Lord: if it be, assure thy self of a Reward.
Ay, Madam, now you say something to the matter: you know the business of a poor Waiting-woman, here upon Earth is to be scraping up something against a rainy Day, call'd the Day of Marriage: every one in our own Vocation: but what matter is it to me if my Lord has routed the Enemies; if I get nothing of their spoils?
Say, is my Lord victorious?
Why he is victorious; indeed I pray'd devoutly to Jupiter for a Victory; by the same token, that you shou'd give me ten pi [...]ces of Gold, if I brought you news of it.
They are thine; supposing he be safe too.
Nay that's a new bargain; for [...] vow'd to Jupiter, that then you shou'd give me ten Pieces more: but I d [...] undertake for my Lord's safety: if you will please to discharge his Godship Jupiter of the debt, and take it upon you to pay.
When he returns in safety, Jupiter and I will pay your Vow.
And I am sure I articled with Jupiter, that if I brought you news, that my Lord was upon return, you shou'd grant me one small favour more, that will cost you nothing.
Make haste, thou Torturer; is my Amphitryon upon return?
Promise me that I shall be your bedfellow to Night, as I have been ever since my Lord's absence,— unless I shall be pleas'd to release you of your word.
That's a small request, 'tis granted.
But swear by Jupiter.
But why by Jupiter?
Because he's the greatest: I hate to deal with one of your little baffling Gods that can do nothing, but by permission: but Jupiter can swinge you off; if you swear by him, and are forsworn.
I swear by Jupiter.
Then I believe he is Victorious, and I know he is safe: for I look'd through the Key-hole, and saw him knocking at the Gate; and I had the Conscience to let him cool his Heels there.
And wou'dst thou not open to him! Oh thou Traitress!
No, I was a little wiser: I left Sosia's Wife to let him in: for I was resolv'd to bring the news, and make my penny-worths out of him; as time shall show.
Good my Lord, what's become of my poor Bedfellow, your Man Sosia: you keep such a billing and colling here, to set ones Mouth a watring: what, I say, though I am a poor Woman, I have a Husband as well as my Lady; and shou'd be as glad as she, of a little honest Recreation.
And what have you done with your old Friend, and my old Sweetheart, Judge Gripus? has he brought me home a cramd Purse that swels with Bribes: if he be rich, I'll make him welcome, like an honourable Magistrate: but if he has not had the wit to sell Justice, he judges no Causes in my Court, I warrant him.
A Man had need be a God, to stand the fury of three talking Women. I think in my Conscience I made their Tongues of Thunder.
Bromia
I ask'd the first question: answer me my Lord.
Phaedra
Peace, mine's a Lover, and yours is but a Husband: and my Judge is my Lord too; the Title shall take place, and I will be answer'd.
Then I, it seems, am last to be regarded?
My Lord is very hot upon't: this absence is a great Friend to us poor neglected Wives; it makes us new again.
My Ladies Eyes are pinking to Bedward too; Now is She to look very sleepy, counterfeiting yauning, but She shall ask me leave first.
But Jupiter shou'd ask my leave first, were he here in Person.
'Tis very true, Madam; the poor Gentleman must needs be weary; and therefore, 'twas not ill contriv'd that he must lie alone to Night, to recruit himself with sleep, and lay in enough for to morrow Night, when you may keep him waking.
I must confess I made a kind of promise.—
A kind of promise, do you call it? I see you wou'd fain be coming off: I am sure you swore to me, by Jupiter, that I shou'd be your Bedfellow, and I'll accuse you to him too, the first Prayers I make: And I'll pray a purpose too, that I will, though I have not pray'd to him this seven Years.
O, the malicious Hilding!
I did swear indeed, my Lord.
The more shame for him if he does: there wou'd be a fine God indeed for us Women to worship, if he laughs when our Sweet-hearts cheat us of our Maiden-heads: No, no, Jupiter is an honester Gentleman than you make of him.
Ay, my Lord, I see you are on fire: but the Devil a Bucket shall be brought to quench it, without my leave: you may go to Bed, Madam; but you shall see how Heav'n will bless your Nights work, if you forswear your self: — Some Fool, some meer Elder-Brother, or some blockheadly Hero, Jove, I beseech thee, send her.
Why truly Madam, I am not cruel in my nature, to poor distressed Lovers; for it may be my own case another day: And therefore, if my Lord pleases to consider me. —
Any thing, any thing, but name thy wish, and have it. —
Ay, now you say, any thing, any thing; but you wou'd tell me another story to morrow Morning. Look you my Lord, here's a Hand open to receive; you know the meaning of it: I am for nothing but the Ready—
Thou shalt have all the Treasury of Heav'n.
Yes when you are Jupiter, to dispose of it.
You have got some part of the Enemies Spoil I warrant you; I see a little trifling Diamond upon your Finger; and I am proud enough to think it wou'd become mine too.
Ay, ay, 'tis no matter what you say of us. What wou'd you have your Mony out of the Treasury, without paying the Officers their Fees? Go, get you together, you naughty Couple, till you are both weary of worrying one another, and then to morrow morning, I shall have another Fee for parting you.
Act II. Night-Scene of a Pallace.
WAS not the Devil in my Master, to send me out in this dreadful dark Night, to bring the news of his Victory to my Lady? and was not I possess'd with ten Devils, for going on his errand, without a Convoy for the safeguard of my Person? Lord, how am I melted into Sweat with fear! I am diminish'd of my natural weight, above two Stone: I shall not bring half my self home again, to my poor Wife and Family: I have been in an Ague fit, ever since shut of Evening; what with the fright of Trees by the High-way, which look'd maliciously like Thieves, by Moon-shine: and what with Bulrushes by the River-side, that shak'd like Spears, and Lances at me. Well! the greatest Plague of a Serving-man, is to be hir'd to some great Lord! They care not what drudgery they put upon us, while they lie lolling at their Ease a Bed, and stretch their lazy Limbs, in expectation of the Whore which we are fetching for them.
He is but a poor Mortal, that suffers this! bur I, who am a God, am degraded to a foot Pimp; a Waiter without Doors; a very civil employment for a Deity!
The better sort of 'em will say, Upon my Honour, at every word: yet ask 'em for our Wages, and they plead the Priviledge of their Honour, and will not pay us; nor let us take our Priviledge of the Law upon them. These are a very hopeful sort of Patriots, to stand up as they do for Liberty and Property of the Subject: there's Conscience for you!
This Fellow, has something of the Republican Spirit in him.
Stay; this methinks shou'd be our House: and I shou'd thank the Gods, now, for bringing me safe home: but I think I had as good let my Devotions alone, till I have got the reward for my good news, and then thank 'em once for all: for if I praise 'em, before I am safe within [Page 12] Doors, some damn'd M [...] Dog may come out, and worry me; and then my thanks are thrown away upon 'em.
Thou art a wicked Rogue, and wilt have thy Bargain before hand: Thereto: thou get'll not into the House this Night; and thank me accordingly as I use thee.
Now am I to give my Lady an Account of my Lord's Victory; 'tis good to exercise my Parts before hand, and file my Tongue into eloquent Expressions, to tickle her Ladyships imagination.
Good! and here's the God of Eloquence to judge of thy Oration.
This Lanthorn, for once, shall be my Lady: because she is the Lamp of all Beauty and Perfection.
No, Rogue, 'tis thy Lord is the Lanthorn by this time, or Jupiter is turn'd sumbler.
Then thus I make my Addresses to her:
Madam, my Lord has chosen me out, as the most Faithful, though the most unworthy of his followers; to bring your Ladiship this following Account of our glorious Expedition. Then she— O my poor Sosia,
how am I overjoy'd to see thee! She can say no less: — Madam, you do me too much Honour, and the World will envy me this glory: — well answer'd on my side.— And how does my Lord Amphitryon?— Madam, he always does like a Man of Courage, when he is call'd by Honour. — There I think I nick'd it. — But when will he return? — As soon as possibly he can: but not so soon as his impatient Heart cou'd wish him with your Ladyship.
When Thebes is an University, thou deservest to be their Orator.
But what does he do, and what does he say? Prethee tell me something more of him.— He always says less than he does, Madam: and his Enemies have found it to their cost. — Where the Devil did I learn these Elegancies and Gallantries?
So; he has all the natural Endowments of a Fop; and only wants the Education!
What is the Devil in the Night! she's as long as two Nights: the seven Stars are just where they were seven Hours ago! high Day— high Night, I mean, by my favour. What has Phaebus been playing the Good-fellow, and overslept himself, that he forgets his duty to us Mortals?
How familiarly the Raskal treats us Gods! but I shall make him alter his tone immediately.
How now? what do my Eyes dazle, or is my dark Lanthorn false to me: is not that a Giant before our Door? or a Ghost of some body slain in the late Battel? if he be, 'tis unconscionably done, to fright an honest Man thus, who never drew Weapon wrathfully in all my life!— Whatever Wight he be, I am devilishly afraid, that's certain: but 'tis discretion to keep my own Counsel: I'll sing, that I may seem Valiant.
What sawcy Companion is this, that deafens us with his hoarse Voice? what Midnight Ballad-singer have we here? I shall teach the Villain to leave off Catterwawling.
I wou'd I had Courage, for his sake; that I might teach him to call my singing Catterwawling, an Illiterate Rogue; an Enemy to the Muses and to Musick.
There is an ill favour that offends my Nostrils; and it wasteth this way?
He has smelt me out: my fear has betray'd me into this favour.— I am a dead Man: the bloody Villain is at his fee, fa, fum, already.
Stand, who goes there?
A Friend.
What Friend?
Why a Friend to all the World that will give me leave to live peaceably.
I defie Peace and all its Works; my Arms are out of exercise, they have maul'd no body these three days: I long for an honourable Occasion to pound a Man; and lay him a sleep at the first Buffet.
That wou'd almost do me a kindness; for I have been kept wakeing, without tipping one wink of sleep these three Nights.
Of what Quality are you, Fellow?
What kind of Man?
Why a Two-leg'd Man, What Man shou'd I be?—
— I must bear up to him, he may prove as errant a Milksop as my self.
Thou art a Coward I warrant thee, do not I hear thy Teeth chatter in thy Head?
Ay, ay, that's only a sign they wou'd be snapping at thy Nose.—
— Bless me, what an Arm and Fist he has, with great Thumbs too: and Gols and Knuckle-bones of a very Butcher.
Sirrah, from whence come you, and whither go you? answer me directly, upon pain of Assassination.
I am coming from whence I came, and am going whither I go: that's directly home — though this is somewhat an uncivil manner of proceeding, at the first sight of a Man, let me tell you.
Then to begin our better Acquaintance, let me first make you a small Present of this box o' the Ear.—
If I were as cholerick a Fool as you now, here wou'd be fine work betwixt us two; but I am a little better bred, than to disturb the sleeping Neighbourhood, and so good night Friend.—
Hold Sir; you and I must not part so easily; once more, whither are you going?
Why I am going as fast as I can, to get out of the reach of your Clutches: let me but only knock at that Door there.
What business have you at that Door, Sirrah?
This is our House; and when I am got in, I▪ll tell you more.
Whose House is this, Sawciness, that you are so familiar with, to call it ours?
'Tis mine, in the first place; and next, my Masters; for I lye in the Garrret, and he lyes under me.
Have your Master and you no Names, Sirrah?
His Name is Amphitryon, hear that and tremble.
What, my Lord General?
O, has his Name mollify'd you! I have brought you down a Peg lower already, Friend.
Lord, Friend, you are so very troublesom— What shou'd my Name be but Sosia?
How, Sosia, say you? how long have you taken up that Name, Sirrah?
Here's a fine question: why I never took it up Friend, it was born with me.
What was your Name born, Sosia? take this Remembrance for that Lye.
Hold Friend, you are so very flippant with your Hands, you won't hear Reason: What offence has my Name done you, that you shou'd beat me for it? S. O. S. I. A. They are as civil, honest, harmless Letters, as any are in the whole Alphabet.
I have no quarrel to the Name, but that 'tis e'en too good for you, and 'tis none of yours.
What am not I Sosia, say you?
No.
I should think you are somewhat merrily dispos'd, if you had not beaten me, in such sober sadness. You wou'd perswade me out of my Heathen Name, wou'd you?
Say you are Sosia again at your Peril, Sirrah.
I dare say nothing, but Thought is free; but whatever I am call'd, I am Amphitryon's Man, and the first Letter of my Name is S. too. You had best tell me that my Master did not send me home to my Lady, with news of his Victory?
I say he did not.
Lord, Lord, Friend, one of us two is horribly giv'n to lying— but I do not say which of us, to avoid Contention.
I say, my Name is Sosia, and yours is not.
I wou'd you cou'd make good your words, for then I shou'd not be beaten, and you shou'd.
I hope I may think I was Sosia; and I can find no difference between my former self, and my present self; but that I was plain Sosia before; and now I am lac'd Sosia.
Take this, for being so impudent to think so.
Truce a little, I beseech thee! I wou'd be a Stock or a Stone now by my good will, and wou'd not think at all, for self preservation. But will you give me leave to argue the Matter fairly with you? and promise me to depose that Cudgel, if I can prove my self to be that Man that I was before I was beaten?
Well, proceed in safety; I promise you I will not beat you.
In the first Place then, is not this Town call'd Thebes?
Uundoubtedly.
And is not this House Amphitryon's?
Who denyes it?
I thought you wou'd have denyed that too? for all hangs upon a String. Remember then, that those two preliminary Articles are already granted. In the next place, did not the foresaid Amphitryon beat the Teleboans, kill their King Pterelas, and send a certain Servant, meaning some Body, that for sake-sake shall be nameless, to bring a Present to his Wife, with news of his Victory, and of his Resolution to return to morrow?
This is all true, to a very little; but who is that certain Servant, there's all the question?
Is it Peace or War betwixt us?
Peace.
I dare not wholly trust that abominable Cudgel; but 'tis a certain Friend of yours and mine; that had a certain Name before he was beaten out of it; but if you are a Man that depend not altogether upon force and brutality, but somewhat also upon Reason, now do you bring better Proofs that you are that same certain Man; and in order to it, answer me to certain Questions.
I say I am Sosia, Amphitryon's Man; what reason have you to urge against it?
What was your Fathers Name?
Davus; who was an honest Husbandman, whose Sisters Name was Harpagè, that was married, and dyed in a foreign Country.
So far you are right, I must confess; and your Wife's Name is.—
Bromia, a devilish Shrew of her Tongue, and a Vixon of her Hands; that leads me a miserable Life; keeps me to hard duty a Bed; and beats me every Morning when I have risen from her side, without having first—
I understand you; by many a sorrowful Token; this must be I.—
I was once taken upon suspicion of Burglary, and was whipt through Thebes, and branded for my pains.
Right me again; but if you are I, as I begin to suspect; that whipping and branding might have been past over in silence, for both our Credits.— And yet now I think on't, if I am I, (as I am I) he cannot be I. All these Circumstances he might have heard; but I will now interrogate him upon some private Passages— What was the Present that Amphitryon sent by you or me, no matter which of us, to his Wife Alcmena?
A Buckle of Diamonds, consisting of five large Stones.
And where are they now?
In a Case, seal'd with my Masters Coat of Arms.
This is prodigious, I confess; but yet 'tis nothing now I think on't, for some false Brother may have reveal'd it to him.
But I have another Question to ask you, of somewhat that pass'd only betwixt my self and me; if you are Sosia, what were you doing in the heat of Battel?
What a wise Man shou'd, that has a respect for his own Person. I ran into our Tent, and hid my self amongst the Baggage.
Such another cutting Answer, and I must provide my self of another name.
And how did you pass your time in that same Tent? You need not answer to every Circumstance so exactly now; you must lye a little, that I may think you the more me.
That cunning shall not serve your turn, to circumvent me out of my name: I am for plain naked Truth:— There stood a Hogshead of old VVine, which my Lord reserv'd for his own drinking.—
O the Devil! as sure as Death, he must have hid himself in that Hogshead, or he cou'd never have known that!
And by that Hogshead, upon the ground, there lay the kind Inviter and Provoker of good-drinking—
Nay, now I have caught you, there was neither Inviter nor Provoker, For I was all alone.
Bacon— that word has quite made an end of me:— let me see,— this must be I, in spight of me.— but let me view him nearer.
What are you walking about me for, with your dark Lanthorn?
No harm Friend; I am only surveying a parcel of Earth here, that I find we two are about to Bargain for:—He's damnable like me, that's certain Imprimis, there's the Patch upon my Nose, with a Pox to him— Item, a very foolish Face with a long Chin at end on't: Item one Pair of shambling Legs, with two splay Feet belonging to them. And— summa totalis, from Head to Foot a [...] my Bodily Apparel.—
Well, you are Sosia; there's no denying it; but what am I then? for my Mind gives me, I am some body still, if I knew but who I were.
When I have a mind to be Sosia no more, then thou maist be Sosia again.
I have but one request more to thee, that, though not as Sosia, yet as a stranger, I may go into that House, and carry a civil Message to my Lady.
No Sirrah, not being Sosia, you have no Message to deliver, nor no Lady in this House.
Thou canst not be so barbarous, to let me lye in the Streets all night, after such a Journey, and such a beating— and therefore I am resolv'd to knock at the Door in my own defence.
If you come near the Door, I recal my word, and break off the truce:— and then expect —
No; The Devil take me if I do expect: I have felt too well what sowr Fruit that Crab-tree bears: I▪ll rather beat it back upon the Hoof to my Lord Amphitryon; to see if he will acknowledg me for Sosia; if he does not, then I am no longer his Slave; there's my Freedom dearly purchas'd with afore drubbing; if he does acknowledg me, then I am Sosia again; so far 'tis tolerably well; but then I shall have a second drubbing, for an unfortunate Ambassador as I am; and that's intolerable.
I have sobb'd off his Excellency pretty well. Now let him return, and make the best of his Credentials. I think too I have given Jupiter sufficient time for his Consummation. Oh, he has taken his Cue; and here he comes as leisurely and as lank as if he had empty'd himself of the best part of his Almightyship.
Scene II.
Alcmena I must go.
Not yet my Lord.
Indeed I must.
Indeed you shall not go.
I find my Lord is an excellent Schoolmaster, my Lady is so willing to repeat her Lesson.
That's a plaguy little Devil; what a roguish Eye she has! I begin to like her strangely; she's the Perquisite of my Place too; for my Ladies Waiting-Woman is the proper Fees of my Lords Chief Gentleman. I have the Priviledg of a God too; I can view her naked through all her Clothes: —Let me see—Let me see: I have discover'd something that pleases me already.
I'll bribe you with this kiss to stay a while.
But tell me first, why you wou'd raise a Blush upon my Cheeks, by asking such a Question?
Now I shou'd follow him; but Love has laid a Lime-twig for me, and made a lame God of me. Yet why shou'd I love this Phaedra? She's Interessed, and a Jilt into the Bargain. Three thousand years hence, there will be a whole Nation of such Women, in a certain Country that will be call'd France; and there's a Neighbour Island too, where the Men of that Country will be all Interest. Oh what a precious Generation will that be, which the Men of the Island shall Propagate out of the Women [...] the Continent?
And so much for Prophesie: for she's here again, and I must love her in spight of me. And since I must, I have this Comfort, that the greatest Wits are commonly the greatest Cullies; because neither of the Sexes can be wiser than some certain Parts about 'em will give 'em leave.
Well Sosia, and how go Matters?
Our Army is Victorious.
And my Servant Judge Gripus?
A Voluptuous Gourmand.
But has he gotten where withal to be Voluptuous, is he Wealthy?
He sells Justice as he uses, fleeces the Rich Rebells, and hangs up the Poor.
Then while he has Money he may make love to me. Has he sent me no Token?
Yes a Kiss; and by the same Token, I am to give it you, as a Remembrance from him.
How now Impudence! A beggarly Serving-man presume to kiss me?
Suppose I were a God, and shou'd make Love to you?
I wou'd first be satisfi'd, whether you were a poor God or a rich God.
Suppose I were Mercury, the God of Merchandise?
What the God of small Wares, and Fripperies, of Pedlars and Pilferers?
How the Gipsie despises me?
I had rather you were Plutus the God of Money, or Jupiter in a Golden Shower: there was a God for us Women! he had the Art of making [Page 20] Love: Dost thou think that Kings, or Gods either, get Mistrisses by their good Faces? no, 'tis the Gold and the Presents they can make: there's the Prerogative they have over their fair Subjects.
All this notwithstanding, I must tell you pretty Phaedra, I am desperately in love with you.
And I must tell thee, ugly Sosia, thou hast not where withal to be in love.
Yes, a poor Man may be in love I hope?
I grant a poor Rogue may be in love, but he can never make love: Alas Sosia, thou hast neither Face to invite me, nor Youth to please me, nor Gold to bribe me: And Besides all this thou hast a Wife, poor miserable Sosia! What ho Bromia!
O thou merciless Creature, why dost thou conjure up that spright of a Wife?
To rid my self of that Devil of a poor Lover: since you are so lovingly dispos'd, I'll put you together, to exercise your Fury upon your own Wedlock; What Bromia, I say, make hast; here's a Vessel of yours, full fraighted, that's going off, without paying Duties.
Since thou wilt not let me steal Custom: She shall have all the Cargo I have gotten in the Wars: but thou mightst have lent me a little Creek to smuggle in.
Why, what have you gotten, good Gentleman Soldier, besides a Legion of—
VVhen the Enemy was rowted, I had the plundering of a Tent.
That's to say, a House of Canvas, with moveables of Straw; make haste Bromia—
But it was the Generals own Tent.
You durst not fight I'm certain; and therefore came last in, when the rich Plunder was gone before hand.— will you come, Bromia?
Prithee do not call so lowd:— A great Goblet that holds a Gallon.
Of what was that Goblet made? answer quickly, for I am just calling very loud— Bro.—
Of beaten Gold. Now call a loud, if thou dost not like the Mettal.
Bromia.
That struts in this Fashion, with his Arms a kimbo, like a City Magistrate: and a great bouncing Belly, like an Hostess with Child of a Kilderkin of VVine. Now what say you to that Present, Phaedra?
VVhat I prithee?
VVhy, how to divide the Business equally; to take the Gift, and refuse the Giver. thou art so damnably ugly and so old.
Now the Devil take Jupiter, for confining me to this ungodly shape to day!
But Gripus is as old and as ugly too.
But Gripus is a Person of Quality, and my Ladies Uncle, and if he marries me I shall take place of my Lady. Hark, your Wife! she has sent [Page 21] her Tongue before her. I hear the Thunderclap already: there's a storm approaching.
Yes, of thy Brewing, I thank thee for it: O how I shou'd hate thee now if I cou'd leave loving thee!
Not a word of the dear Golden Goblet, as you hope for— you know what, Sosia.
Not absolutely Hope neither: but Gold is a great Cordial, in love matters; and the more you apply of it, the better. —
I am honest, that's certain; but when I weigh my honesty against the Goblet, I am not quite resolv'd on which side the Scale will turn.
Tell her, what Traytor! that you are going away without seeing her.
That I am doing my Duty, and following my Master.
Umph— so brisk too! your Master did his Duty to my Lady before he parted: He cou'd leave his Army in the lurch, and come galloping home at Midnight, to have a lick at the Honey-pot; and steal to Bed as quietly as any Mouse, I warrant you: My Master knew what belong'd to a marri'd life; but you, Sirrah.— You Trencher-carrying Raskal, you worse than Dunghill-Cock; that stood clapping your Wings and crowing without Doors, when you shou'd have been at roost, you Villain.—
Hold your peace, Dame Partlet, and leave your Cackling: My Master charg'd me to stand Centry without Doors.
My Master! I dare swear thou bely'st him, My Masters more a Gentleman than to lay such an unreasonable command upon a poor distressed marri'd Couple, and after such an absence too. No, there's no comparison between my Master and thee. thou Sneaksby.
No more than there is betwixt my Lady and you, Bromia. You and I have had our time in a civil way, Spouse, and much good love has been betwixt us: but we have been married fifteen Years, I take it: and that hoighty toighty business ought, in Conscience, to be over.
Marry come up, My sawcy Companion! I am neither old, nor ugly enough to have that said to me.
But will you hear reason, Bromia? My Lord and my Lady are yet in a manner Bride and Bridegroom; they are in Honey Moon still: do but think in decency what a Jest it wou'd be to the Family, to see two Venerable old married People, lying snug in a Bed together, and sighing out fine tender things to one another!
How now, Traytor, dar'st thou maintain that I am past the Age of having fine things said to me?
Not so, my Dear: but certainly I am past the Age of saying 'em.
Thou deserv'st not to be yok'd with a Woman of Honour, as I am, thou perjur'd Villain.
Ay, you are too much a Woman of Honour, to my sorrow: many a poor Husband wou'd be glad to compound for less Honour in his Wife, and [Page 22] more quiet. Prethee be but honest and continent in thy Tongue, and do thy worst with every thing else about thee.
Thou wou'dst have a Woman of the Town, wou'dst thou! to be always speaking my Husband fair, to make him digest his Cuckoldom more easily: wou'dst thou be a Wittol, with a vengeance to thee? I am resolv'd I'll scoure thy Hide, for that word.
Thou wilt not strike thy Lord, and Husband, wilt thou?
Since thou wilt none of the Meat, 'tis but justice to give thee the bastings of the Ladle.
Was ever poor Deity so Henpeck'd as I am! nay, then 'tis time to charm her asleep with my enchanted Rod— before I am disgrac'd or ravish'd. —
What, art thou rebelling against thy annointed Wife? I'll make thee— how now — What, has the Rogue bewitch'd me! I grow dull and stupid on the sudden— I can neither stir Hand nor Foot— I am just like him; I have lost the use of all my — Members—
— I can't so much as wag my Tongue — neither, and that's the last live—ing part about a — Woman —
Lord what have I suffer'd, for being but a counterfeit marri'd Man one day! If ever I come to this House, as a Husband again — then— and yet that then, was a lye too— For while I am in love with this young Gipsie, Phaedra, I must return— But lie thou there, thou Type of Juno: thou that want'st nothing of her Tongue, but the immortality. If Jupiter ever let thee set Foot in Heaven, Juno will have a rattling Second of thee; and there will never be a fair Day in Heaven or Earth after it.
A.ct III. Scene, before Amphitryon 's Pallace.
NOw Sirrah, follow me into the House, thou shalt be convinc'd at thy own cost, Villain! What horrible lyes hast thou told me! such improbabilities, such stuft, such nonsence! — that the Monster with two long Horns, that frighted the great King, and the Devil at the Stone-cutters, are Truths to these!
I am but a Slave, and you are Master; and a poor Man is always to lye, when a rich Man is pleas'd to contradict him: but as sure as this is our House—
So sure 'tis thy place of Execution. Thou art not made for lying neither.
That's certain: for all my Neighbours say I have an honest Face; or else they wou'd never call me Cuckold, as they do.
I mean thou hast not wit enough to make a lye, that will hang together: thou hast set up a Trade, that thou hast not Stock enough to manage: O that I had but a Crab-tree Cudgel for thy sake!
How, a Cudgel, said you! the Devil take Jupiter for inventing that heard-hearted, merciless, knobby Wood.
The bitterness is yet to come: thou hast had but a half Dose of it.
I was never good at swallowing Physick: and my Stomach wambles at the very thought of it; but, if I must have a second beating, in conscience let me strip first, that I may show you the black and blue streaks upon my Sides and Shoulders. I am sure I suffer'd them in your service.
To what purpose wou'dst thou show them?
Why to the purpose that you may not strike me upon the sore places: and that as he beat me last Night cross-ways, so you wou'd please to beat me long-ways, to make clean work on't, that at least my Skin may look like Checquer-work.
This request is too reasonable to be refus'd; but, that all things may be done in order, tell me over again the same story, with all the circumstances of thy Commission: that a blow may follow in due form for every lye. To Repetition Rogue, to Repetition.
No, it shall be all a lye if you please, and I'll eat my Words to save my Shoulders.
Ay, Sirrah, now you find you are to be disproved: but 'tis too late: to Repetition, Rogue, to Repetition.
With all my heart, to any Repetition but the Cudgel: but, wou'd you be pleas'd to answer me one civil question? Am I to use Complaisance to you, 'as to a great Person, that will have all things said your own way; or am I to tell you the naked Truth alone, without the Ceremony of a farther beating?
That's a damn'd conclusion of a Sentence: but since it must be so— Back and Sides, at your own peril— I set out from the Port in an unlucky Hour: the dusky Canopy of Night inveloping the Hemisphere.—
Imprimis for Fustian: — now proceed.
I stand corrected: in plain Prose then, I went darkling, and whistling, to keep my self from being afraid; mumbling Curses betwixt my Teeth, for being sent at such an unnatural time of Night.
How Sirrah, Cursing and Swearing against your Lord and Master! take —
Hold, Sir— pray consider, if this be not unreasonable, to strike me for telling the whole Truth, when you commanded me: I'll fall into my old dogtrot of lying again, if this must come of plain dealing.
To avoid impertinences, make an end of your journey; and come to the House: what found you there a God's Name?
I came thither in no God's Name at all; but in the Devils name, I found [Page 24] before the Door a swingeing Fellow, with all my Shapes and Features; and accoutred also in my Habit.
Who was that Fellow?
Who shou'd it be, but another Sosia! a certain kind of other me: who knew all my unfortunate Commission, precisely, to a word, as well as I Sosia; as being sent by your self from the Port, upon the same errand to Alcmena.
What gross Absurdities are these!
O Lord, O Lord, what Absurdities! as plain as any Packstaff. That other me, had posted himself there before me, me. You won't give a Man leave to speak Poetically now; or else I wou'd say, That I was arriv'd at the Door, before I came thither.
This must either be a Dream, or Drunkenness, or Madness in thee. Leave your Buffooning and Lying, I am not in humour to bear it, Sirrah.
I wou'd you shou'd know I scorn a Lye, and am a Man of Honour in every thing, but just Fighting. I tell you once again in plain sincerity, and simplicity of Heart, that before last Night I never took my self but for one single individual Sosia; but, coming to our Door, I found my self I know not how divided, and as it were split into two Sosia's.
Leave Buffooning: I see you wou'd make me laugh, but you play the Fool scurvily.
That may be: but if I am a Fool, I am not the only Fool in this company.
Be not in wrath Sir: I meant not you: I cannot possibly be the only Fool; for if I am one Fool, I must certainly be two Fools; because, as I told you, I am double.
That one shou'd be two, is very probable!
Have not you seen a Six-pence split into two halves, by some ingenious School-Boy; which bore on either side the Impression of the Monarchs Face: now as those moieties were two Three-pences, and yet in effect but one Six-pence.—
No more of your villanous Tropes and Figures.
Nay, if an Orator must be disarm'd of his similitudes.—
A Man had need of patience, to endure this Gibberish: be brief, and come to a conclusion.
What wou'd you have Sir? I came thither, but the to'ther I was there before me: for that there was two I's, is as certain, as that I have two Eyes in this Head of mine. This I, that am here, was weary: the to'ther I was fresh: this I was peaceable, and to'ther I was a hectoring Bully I.
And thou expect'st I shou'd believe thee?
No, I am not so unreasonable: for I cou'd never have believ'd it my self, if I had not been well beaten into it: But a Cudgel you know is a convincing Argument in a brawny Fist: What shall I say, but that I was compell'd at last to acknowledge my self! I found that he was very I, without fraud, cozen, or deceit. Besides, I view'd my self, as in a Mirror, from Head to Foot: He was Handsome, of a noble presence, a charming Air, loose and free in all his Motions. And saw he was so much I, that I shou'd have reason to be better satisfied with my own Person, if his Hands had not been a little of the heaviest.
Once again to a Conclusion: Say you pass'd by him, and entred into the House.
I am a Friend to Truth, and say no such thing: He defended the door and I could not enter.
How, not enter!
Why, how shou'd I enter, unless I were a Spright to glide by him, and shoot my self through Locks, and Bolts, and two inch-boards?
O Coward! Didst thou not attempt to pass?
Yes, and was repuls'd and beaten for my pains.
Who beat thee?
I beat Me.
Didst thou beat thy self?
I don't mean I, here: but the absent Me, beat me here present.
There's no end of this intricate piece of Nonsense.
'Tis only Nonsense because I speak it who am a poor fellow; but it wou'd be Sense, and substantial Sense, if a great Man said it, that was back'd with a Title, and the Eloquence of ten Thousand Pounds a year.
No more; But let us enter to Hold; my Alcmena is coming out, and has prevented me! How strangely will she be surpriz'd to see me here, so unexpectedly!
Make haste after me to the Temple; that we may thank the Gods for this glorious Success, which Amphitryon has had against the Rebels.
Oh Heavens!
So soon return'd!
What says my Lord?
How's this?
What's this you tell me?
I thank you for my Melancholy Vapour.
'Tis but a just requital for my Dream.
I find my Master took too much of the Creature last night,
and now is Angling for a Quarrel, that no more may be expected from him to Night, when he has no Assets.
You dare not justifie it to my face.
Not what?
That I return'd before this hour?
O Impudence! —Why Sosia!
Nay, I say nothing; for all things here, may go by Enchantment (as they did with me) for ought I know.
Speak, Phaedra; Was he here?
You know, Madam, I am but a Chamber maid; and by my place, I am to forget all that was done over-night in Love-Matters,—unless my Master please to rub up my Memory with another Diamond.
Now answer, Sosia.
Yes, now I can answer with a safe Conscience, as to that point, all the rest may be Art Magick; but, as for the Diamonds, here they are, under safe custody.
Then what are these upon my Arm?
Flints, or Pebbles, or some such Trumpery of enchanted Stones.
They say the proof of a true Diamond is to glitter in the dark; I think my Master had best take my Lady into some By-corner, and try whose Diamond will sparkle best.
Yet now I think on't, Madam, did not a certain Friend of mine present 'em to you?
What Friend?
Why another Sosia; one that made himself Sosia in my despight, and also unsociated me.
More words than one to a Bargain, Sir; I thank you: That's no part of prudence for me to commit Burglary upon the Seals: Do you look first upon the Signet, and tell me in your Conscience, whether the Seals be not as firm as when you clapt the Wax upon them.
The Signature is firm.
Then take the Signature into your own custody, and open it; for I will have nothing done at my proper peril.
O Heav'ns! Here▪s nothing, but an empty space; the Nest where they were laid.
Then if the Birds are flown, the Fault's not mine; here has been fine conjuring work; or else the Jewel, knowing to whom it shou'd be given, took occasion to steal out, by a natural instinct, and ty'd it self upon that pretty Arm.
Can this be possible!
Yes, very possible: You, my Lord Amphitryon, may have brought forth another You my Lord Amphitryon, as well as I Sosia have brought forth another Me Sosia. and our Diamonds may have procreated these Diamonds; and so we are all three double,
If this be true, I hope my Goblet has gigg'd another Golden Goblet: and then they may carry double upon all four.
That Question wou'd infer you were not here.
So: This is as good sport for me as an Examination of a great Belly before a Magistrate.
Did I so?
You did.
You wou'd not stay to sup; but, much complaining of your drowsiness, and want of natural Rest—
So, now 'tis coming, now 'tis coming.
I have no more to say.
Why, went we not to Bed?
Perfidious Woman!
Ungrateful Man!
She justifies it too!
I need not justifie: Of what am I accus'd?
Then I, it seems, am false?
As surely false, as what thou say'st is true.
Sir, Shall I wait on you?
No, I will go alone: Expect me here.
What if I shou'd lye now, and say we have been here before? I never saw any good that came of telling truth.
He makes no more Advances to me: I begin a little to suspect, that my Gold Goblet will prove but Copper.
Yes, 'tis resolv'd, I will lye abominably, against the Light of my own Conscience. For suppose the tother Sosia has been here: perhaps that strong Dog has not only beaten me, but also has been predominant upon my Wife, and most carnally misus'd her! Now, by asking certain Questions of her, with a Side-Wind, I may come to understand how Squares go; and whether my Nuptial Bed be violated.
Most certainly he has learn'd Impudence of his Master; and will deny his being here: but that shall not serve his turn, to cheat me of my Present!—
Why Sosia! What, in a brown Study?
A little cogitabund, or so; concerning this dismal Revolution in our Family!
But that shou'd not make you neglect your duty to me, your Mistress.
Pretty Soul; I wou'd thou wert: upon condition that old Bromia were six Foot under ground.
What! Is all your hot Courtship to me, dwindl'd into a poor unprofitable Wish? You may remember, I did not bid you absolutely despair.
No; for all things yet may be accommodated, in an amicable manner, betwixt my Master and my Lady.
Why, I hope we two never quarrell'd?
Must I remember you of a certain Promise that you made me at our last parting?
Oh, when I went to the Army: that I shou'd still be praising thy Beauty to Judge Gripus, and keep up his Affections to thee.
No, I mean the Business betwixt you and me this Morning—: that you promis'd me—
That I promis'd thee.— I find it now: That strong Dog, my Brother Sosia, has been here before me, and made Love to her.
That I shou'd keep my Promise.— The truth on't is, she's anotherghess Morsel than old Bromia.
And I had rather you should break it, in a manner, and, as it were, and in some Sense.—
In a manner, and as it were, and in some Sense, thou say'st?— I find, the strong Dog has only tickl'd up her Imagination, and not enjoy'd her: so that with my own Limbs, I may perform the sweetness of his Function with her.
No, sweet Creature, the Promise shall not be broken; but what I have undertaken, I will perform like a Man of Honour.
Yes, yes, in gross I do remember, something; but this disturbance of the Family, has somewhat stupify'd my Memory: Some pretty Quelque chose, I warrant thee; some acceptable Toy, of small value.
You may call a Gold Goblet, a Toy: But I put a greater value upon your Presents.
A Gold Goblet, say'st thou! Yes, now I think on't, it was a kind of a Gold Goblet; as a Gratuity after Consummation.
No, no; I had rather make sure of one Bribe before hand, than be promis'd ten Gratuities.
Yes, now I remember, it was, in some Sense, a Gold Goblet, by way of Earnest; and it contain'd—
Gallon.
No; that was somewhat too large, in Conscience: It was not a whole Gallon; but it may contain, reasonably speaking, one large—Thimble-full: [Page 31] But Gallons and Thimble-fulls are so like, that in speaking, I might easily mistake them.
Is it come to this? Out Traytor!
I had been a Traytor, indeed, to have betray'd thee to the swallowing of a Gallon: but a Thimblefull of Cordial-water, is easily sipt off: and then, this same Goblet, is so very light too, that it will be no Burthen, to carry it about with thee, in thy Pocket.
O Apostate to thy Love! O perjur'd Villain!
What, are you here, Bromia! I was telling him his own: I was giving him a Rattle for his Treacheries to you, his Love: You see I can be a Friend, upon occasion.
Ay, Chicken, I never doubted of thy Kindness: but, for this Fugitive,— this Rebel,— this Miscreant.—
A kind Welcome, to an absent Lover, as I have been.
Ay; and a kind Greeting you gave me, at your Return; when you us'd me so barbarously, this Morning.
The t'other Sosia has been with her too: and has us'd her barbarously: barbarously, that is to say, uncivilly: and uncivilly; I am afraid that means, too civilly.
You had best deny you were here this Morning! And by the same Token—
Nay, no more Tokens, for Heaven's sake, dear Phaedra.
Now must I ponder with my self a little, whether it be better for me, to have been here, or not to have been here, this Morning.
Phaedra, My Lord's without; and will not enter till he has first spoken with you
Oh that I could stay to help worry thee for this Abuse:
but the best on't is, I leave thee in good hands— —Farewell Thimble.— To him, Bromia.
No; you did not beat me, and put me into a Swound, and deprive me of the natural use of my Tongue for a long Half-hour: You did not beat me down, with your little Wand: But I shall teach you to use your Rod another time— I shall.
Put her into a Swound, with my little Wand, and so forth: That's more than ever I cou'd do. These are terrible Circumstances that some Sosia or another, has been here: Now, if he has literally beaten her, Grammercy, Brother Sosia; he has but done, what I wou'd have done, if I had durst: But I am afraid it was only a damn'd Love-figure; and that the Wand that lay'd her asleep, might signifie the Peace-maker.
Now you are snuffling upon a cold Scent, for some pitiful Excuse: I know you: twenty to one, but you will plead a Drunkenness: You are usd to be pot-valiant.
I was pumping, and I thank her, she has invented for me.—Yes; Bromia, I must confess I was exalted: and, possibly, I might scoure upon thee, or perhaps be a little more familiar with thy person, by the way of Kindness, than if I had been sober; but, prithee, inform me what I did; that I may consider what satisfaction I am to make thee.
Are you there, at your Dog-tricks! You wou'd be forgetting, wou'd you? like a drunken Bully that affronts over-night, and, when he is call'd to account, the next Morning, remembers nothing of the Quarrel; and asks pardon, to avoid fighting.
By Bacchus, I was overtaken; but I shou'd be loth that I committed any folly with thee.
I am sure, I kept my self awake all night, that I did, in expectation of your coming.
But what amends did I make thee, when I came!
You know well enough, to my sorrow; but that you play the Hypocrite.
I warrant, I was monstrous kind to thee.—
Yes, monstrous kind indeed: You never said a truer word: for, when I came to kiss you, you pull'd away your Mouth, and turn'd your Cheek to me.
Good.
How, Good! Here's fine Impudence: He justifies!—
Yes, I do justifie, that I turn'd my Cheek, like a prudent person, that my Breath might not offend thee: for, now I remember, I had eaten Garlick.
Ay, you remember, and forget, just as it makes for you, or against you: but, to mend the matter, you never spoke one civil word to me: but stood like a stock, without sense or motion.
Yet better.
After which, I lovingly invited you to take your place in your Nuptial Bed, as the Laws of Matrimony oblige you: and you inhumanly refus'd me.
Ay, there's the main point of the Business! Art thou morally certain, that I refus'd thee: Look me now in the face, and say I did not commit Matrimony with thee!
I wonder how thou canst look me in the face, after that refusal!
Say it once again, that I did not feloniously come to Bed to thee!
No, thou cold Traytor, thou know'st thou didst not.
Best of all; 'twas discreetly done of me to abstain.
What do you insult upon me too!
But what? How was it discreetly done then? Ha!
Because it is the receiv'd Opinion of Physicians, that nothing but puling Chitts, and Booby-Fools, are procreated in Drunkenness.
A receiv'd Opinion, Snivel-guts! I'll be judg'd by all the marry'd Women of this Town, if any one of 'em has receiv'd it: The Devil take the Physicians, for medling in our Matters: If a Husband will be rul'd by them, there are five weeks of Abstinence in Dog-days too; for fear a Child that was [Page 33] got in August, should be born just nine Months after, and be blear-ey'd, like a May-Kitten.
Let the Physicians alone; they are honest Men, whatever the World says of 'em. But, for a certain reason, that I best know, I am glad that Matter ended so fairly and peaceably betwixt us.
Yes 'twas very fair and peaceable: to strike a Woman down, and beat her most outrageously.
Is it possible that I drubb'd thee!
I find your drift: You wou'd fain be provoking me to a new Trial now: but, i'faith, you shall bring me to no more handy-blows: I shall make bold to trust to my Tongue hereafter: You never durst have offer'd to hold up a finger against me, till you went a Trooping.
Then I am a Conqueror: and I laud my own Courage: This Renown I have atchiev'd by Souldiership and Stratagem. Know your Duty, Spouse, henceforward to your supream Commander.
Indeed I wondred at your quick return.
I fear't will be in vain.
'Tis possible I may sollicit for you.
But wilt thou promise me to do thy best?
I wou'not be ungrateful.
Well; I'll try to bring her to the Window: You shall have a fair shoot at her: if you can bring her down, you are a good Markes-man.
What, with Cats-guts and Rosin! This Sol-la; is but a lamentable, empty, sound.
Then there's a sound will please thee better.
Nay, you must give me leave to express my Gratitude; I have not eaten, to say eating, nor drunk, to say drinking, never since our villanous encamping so near the Enemy: 'Tis true, I scap'd the bloody-Flux, because I had so little in my Bowels to come out, and I durst let nothing go, in Conscience, because I had nothing to swallow in the room on't.
Or rather, as much, as if twenty Gods were to be Guests, or Masters here.
That you may eat for to day, and to morrow.
Or, rather again, for to day and yesterday; and as many Months backwards, as I am indebted to my own Belly.
Away both of you.
SONG.
O stay.
She's gone; and seem'd to frown at parting.
The FOURTH ACT.
O Stay, my dear Alcmena, hear me speak.
Leave me, thou ungrateful Man.
Courtship, from thee, and after such affronts!
Husband, and Lover, both alike I hate.
Unkind, and cruel! I can speak no more.
Can I forget such Usage!
Can you hate me?
I'll do my best: for sure I ought to hate you.
Then, I hate you.—
Then you pronounce the Sentence of my Death?
I hate you, much; but yet I love you more.
Your Lady has made the Challenge of Reconciliation to my Lord: Here's a fair Example for us two, Phaedra.
No Example at all, Sosia: for my Lady had the Diamonds aforehand, and I have none of the Gold Goblet.
The Goblet shall be forth coming; if thou wilt give me weight for weight.
Yes, and measure for measure too, Sosia: that is, For a Thimbleful of Gold, a Thimbleful of Love.
What think you now, Phaedra? Here's
a weighty Argument of Love for you.
Now Jupiter, of his Mercy, let me kiss thee, O thou
dear Metal!
And Venus, of her Mercy, let me kiss thee, dear, dear Phaedra.
Not so fast, Sosia! there's a damn'd Proverb in your way: Many things happen betwixt the Cup and the Lips, you know.
Why, thou wilt not cheat me of my Goblet?
Yes; as sure as you wou'd cheat me of my Maiden-head: I am yet, but just even with you, for the last Trick you play'd me. And, besides; this is but a bare Retaining Fee; you must give me another, before the Cause is open'd.
Shall I not come to your Bed side, to Night?
No, nor to Morrow-Night, neither: but this shall be my Sweet-heart in your place: 'tis a better Bed-fellow, and will keep me warmer, in cold Weather.
Now, what's the God of Wit in a Woman's Hand? This very Goblet I stole from Gripus; and he got it out of Bribes too. But this is the common fate of ill gotten Goods, that as they came in by Covetousness, they go out by Whoring. —Oh, here's Amphitryon again, but I'll
manage him above, in the Balcony.
This is no very charitable Action of a God, to
use him ill, who has never offended me: but my Planet
disposes me to Malice: and when we great Persons do but a little Mischief, the World has a good bargain of us.
How now! what means the locking up of my Doors, at this time of day?
Softly, Friend, softly: You knock as loud, and as sawcily, as a Lord's Footman, that was sent before him, to warn the Family of his Honour's Visit. Sure you think the Doors have no feeling! What the Devil are you, that rap with such Authority?
Look out, and see: 'tis I.
You: What You?
No more, I say, but open.
I'll know to whom first?
I am one that can command the doors open.
Then you had best command 'em, and try whether they will obey You.
Dost thou not know me!
Prithee, how shou'd I know thee? Dost thou take me for a Conj [...] rer?
What's this Midsummer-Moon? Is all the World gone a madding? Why Sosia!
That's my Name indeed: Didst thou think I had forgot it!
Dost thou see me?
Why, dost thou pretend to go invisible? If thou hast any business here, dispatch it quickly; I have no leasure to throw away upon such pratling Companions.
Thy Companion, Slave? How dar'st thou use this insolent Language to thy Master!
How! Thou my Master? By what Title? I never had any other Master, but Amphitryon.
Well: and for whom dost thou take me?
For some Rogue or other; but what Rogue I know not.
Dost thou not know me for Amphitryon, Slave!
How shou'd I know thee, when I see thou dost not know thy self! thou Amphitryon? In what Tavern hast thou been? And how many Bottles did thy business, to metamorphose thee into my Lord?
I will so drub thee, for this insolence.
How now, Impudence! are you threatning your Betters! I shou'd bring you to condign punishment, but that I have a great respect for the good Wine, though I find it in a Fool's Noddle.
What, none to let me in? Why Phaedra! Bromia!
Peace Fellow; if my Wife hears thee, we are both undone. At a word, Phaedra and Bromia are very busie; one in making a Cawdle for my Lady; and the other in heating Napkins, to rub down my Lord, when he rises from Bed.
Amazement seizes me.
At what art thou amaz'd? My Master and my Lady had a falling out, and are retir'd, without Seconds, to decide the Quarrel. If thou wert not a meddlesome Fool, thou woud'st not be thrusting thy Nose into other Peoples Matters. Get thee about thy business, if thou hast any; for I'll hear no more of thee.
Yonder he is; walking hastily to and fro, before his door; like a Citizen, clapping his Sides before his Shop, in a frosty Morning: 'tis to catch a Stomach, I believe.
I begin to be affraid, that he has more stomach to my Sides, and Shoulders, than to his own Victuals. How he shakes his head! and stamps, and what strides he fetches! He's in one of his damn'd Moods again; I don't like the Looks of him.
Oh, my mannerly, fair-spoken, obedient Slave, are you there! I can reach you now, without climbing: Now we shall try who's drunk, and who's sober.
Why this is as it shou'd be: I was somewhat suspicious that you were in a pestilent humour; Yes, we will have a crash at the Bottle, when your Lordship pleases: I have summo'nd 'em, you see; and they are notable Topers; especially Judge Gripus.
Yes, faith; I never refuse my Glass, in a good Quarrel.
Why, thou insolent Villain; I'll teach a Slave how to use his Master hus.
Here's a fine business towards! I am sure I ran as fast as ever my legs cou'd carry me, to call 'em: nay you may trust my diligence, in all affairs belonging to the belly.
He has been very faithfull to his Commission, I'll bear him witness.
How can you be witness, where you were not present? the Balcony! Sirrah, the Balcony!
Why, to my best remembrance, you never invited the Balcony.
What nonsence dost thou plead for an Excuse, of thy foul language, and thy base replies!
You fright a man out of his senses, first; and blame him, afterwards, for talking nonsence:— but 'tis better for me to talk nonsence, than for some to do nonsence: I will say that, what e'er comes on't. Pray Sir, let all things be done decently: what, I hope, when a man is to be hang'd, he is not truss'd upon the Gallows, like a dumb Dog, without telling him wherefore.
By your pardon, Gentlemen: I have no longer patience to forbear him.
Justice, justice, my Lord Gripus: as you are a true Magistrate, protect me. Here's a process of Beating going forward, without sentence given.
My Lord Amphitryon, this must not be: Let me first understand the demerits of the Criminal.
Hold you to that point, I beseech your Honour, as you commiserate the Case of a poor, innocent Malefactour.
To shut the door against me, in my very face, to deny me entrance, to brave me from the Balcony, to laugh at me, to threaten me: what proofs of Innocence call you these? but if I punish not this Insolence—
I beg you let me go—
I charge you in the King's name, hold him fast; for you see he's bloodily dispos'd.
Now, what hast thou to say for thy self, Sosia?
I say, in the first place, be sure you hold him, Gentlemen; for I shall never plead worth one farthing, while I am bodily affraid.
Speak boldly; I warrant thee.
Then, if I may speak boldly, under my Lord's favour, I do not say he lyes neither: no, I am too well bred for that: but his Lordship fibbs most abominably.
Do you hear his Impudence? yet will you let me go?
No Impudence at all, my Lord: for how cou'd I, naturally speaking, be in the Balcony, and affronting you; when at the same time I was in every Street of Thebes, inviting these Gentlemen to Dinner?
Hold a little: how long since was it that he spoke to you, from the said Balcony?
Just now; not a Minute before he brought you hither.
Now speak my Witnesses.
I can answer for him, for this last half hour.
And I.
And I.
Now judge equitably, Gentlemen; whether I was not a civil wellbred person, to tell my Lord he fibbs onely.
Who gave you that order, to invite 'em?
He that best might; your self: by the same token, you bid old Bromia provide and 'twere for a God: and I put in for a brace, or a lease; no, now I think on't, it was for ten couple of Gods, to make sure of plenty.
When did I give thee this pretended Commission?
Why you gave me this pretended Commission, when you were just ready to give my Lady the Fiddles and a Dance; in order, as I suppose, to your second bedding.
Where, in what place, did I give this order?
Here, in this place; in the presence of this very door, and of that Balcony: and if they cou'd speak, they wou'd both justifie it.
O Heaven! these accidents are so surprizing, that the more I think of 'em, the more I am lost in my imagination.
Nay, he has told us some passages, as he came along, that seem to surpass the power of Nature
What think you now, my Lord, of a certain twin Brother of mine, call'd Sosia? 'tis a sly Youth: pray Heaven you have not just such another Relation, within doors, call'd Amphitryon. It may be it was he, that put upon me, in your likeness: and perhaps he may have put something upon your Lordship too, that may weigh heavy upon the forehead.
Let me go: — Sosia may be innocent, and I will not hurt him: —Open the door; I'll resolve my doubts immediately.
The door is peremptory, that it will not be open'd without Keys: and my Brother, on the inside, is in possession; and will not part with 'em.
Then 'tis manifest that I am affronted; break open the door there.
Stir not a man of you, to his assistance.
Dost thou take part with my Adultress too, because she is thy Niece?
I take part with nothing, but the Law; and, to break the doors open, is to break the Law.
Do thou command 'em, then.
I command nothing without my Warrant; and my Clerk is not here to take his Fees for drawing it.
The Devil take all Justice-brokers: — I curse him too when I have been hunting him all over the Town, to be my Witness!—But I'll bring Souldiers to force open the doors, by my own Commission.
Pox o' these forms of Law, to defeat a man of a Dinner, when he's sharp set 'tis against the priviledge of a free-born Stomack; and is no less than subversion of Fundamentals.
Oh, my Friends, I am sorry I have made you wait so long: you are welcome; and the door shall be open'd to you, immediately.
Was not that Amphitryon?
Why, who shou'd it be else?
In all appearance it was he: but how got he thither?
In such a trice too!
And after he had just left us?
And so much alter'd, for the better, in his humour?
Here's such a company of foolish questions, when a man's a hungry: You had best stay dinner till he has prov'd himself to be Amphitryon in form of Law: But I'll make short work of that business: for I'll take mine Oath 'tis he.
I shou'd be glad it were.
How glad it were? with your damn'd Interrogatories, when you ought to be thankfull, that so it is.
That I may see my Mistress Phaedra, and present her with my great gold Gobblet.
If this be not the true Amphitryon, I wish I may be kept without doors, fasting, and biting my own Fingers, for want of Victuals; and that's a dreadfull Imprecation! I am for the inviting, and eating, and treating Amphitryon: I am sure 'tis he that is my lawfully begotten Lord: and if you had an Ounce of true Justice in you, you ought to have laid hold on t'other Amphitryon, and committed him for a Rogue, and an Impostour, and a Vagabond.
Enter quickly, Masters: The Passage on the right-hand leads to the Gallery, where my Lord expects you: —for I am call'd another way.
I shou'd know that Voice, by a secret Instinct: 'tis a Tongue of my Family; and belongs to my Brother Sosia: it must be so; for it carries a cudgelling kind of sound in it. — But put the worst: let me weigh this matter wisely: Here's a beating, and a belly-full: against no beating, and no belly-full. The beating is bad; but the dinner is good: now, not to be beaten, is but negatively good; but, not to fill my belly, is positively bad. — Upon the whole matter, my final resolution is, to take the good and the bad as they come together.
Whither now, you kitchen-skumm? From whence this Impudence, to enter here without permission?
Most Illustrious Sir: my Ticket is my hunger: shew the full Bowe's of your Compassion, to the empty bowels of my famine.
Were you not charg'd to return no more? I'll cut you into quarters, and hang you upon the Shambles.
You'll get but little credit by me: Alas, Sir, I am but mere Carrion! Brave Sosia, compassionate Coward Sosia: and beat not thy self, in beating me.
Who gave you that privilege, Sirrah, to assume my Name? have you not been sufficiently warn'd of it? and receiv'd part of punishment already?
May it please you, Sir, the Name is big enough for both of us: and we may use it in common, like a Strumpet: witness heaven, that I wou'd have obey'd you, and quitted my Title to the name; but, where ever I come, the malicious world will call me Sosia, in spight of me: I am sensible there are two Amphitryons; and why may not there be two Sosia's? Let those two cut one anothers throats at their own pleasure: but you and I will be wiser, by my consent, and hold good Intelligence together.
No, no: Two Sosia's wou'd but make two fools.
Then let me be the fool; and be you the prudent person: and chuse for your self some wiser name: or you shall be the Elder Brother; and I'll be content to be the Younger; though I lose my Inheritance.
I tell thee, I am the onely Son of our Family.
Then let me be your Bastard Brother, and the Son of a Whore; I hope that's but reasonable.
No, Thou shalt not disgrace my Father: For there are few Bastards now-a days worth owning.
Ah! Poor Sosia! What will become of thee?
Yet again profanely using my proper name?
I did not mean my self: I was thinking of another Sosia, a poor fellow, that was once of my acquaintance, unfortunately banish'd out of doors, when dinner was just coming upon the Table.
Sosia, you and I must—Bless me! What have we here, a Couple of you, or do I see double?
I wou'd fain bring it about, that I might make one of 'em: But he's unreasonable and will needs incorporate me, and swallow me whole into himself. If he wou'd be content to be but one and a half, 'twou'd never grieve me.
'Tis a perverse Rascal: I kick him, and cudgel him to no purpose: for still he's obstinate to stick to me: and I can never beat him out of my resemblance.
Which of you two is Sosia? For t'other must be the Devil.
You had best ask him that has play'd the Devil with my back and sides.
You had best ask him who gave you the gold Gobblet?
No, that's already given: but he shall be my Sosia, that will give me such another.
I find you have been Interloping, Sirrah.
No, indeed, Sir; I onely promised her a gold Thimble: which was as much as comes to my proportion of being Sosia.
This is no Sosia for my money: beat him away t'other Sosia: he grows insufferable.
Wou'd I were valiant, that I might beat him away; and succeed him at the dinner; for a pragmatical Son of a Whore, as he is —
What's that you are muttering betwixt your Teeth, of a Son of a Whore, Sirrah?
I am sure I meant you no offence: for, if I am not Sosia, I am the Son of a Whore, for ought I know: and, if you are Sosia, you may be the Son of a Whore for ought you know.
What ever I am, I will be Sosia, as long as I please: and whenever you visit me, you shall be sure of the civility of the Cudgel.
If you will promise to beat me into the house, you may begin when you please with me: but, to be beaten out of the house, at dinner time, flesh and bloud can never bear it.
In the name of wonder, what are you, that are Sosia, and are not Sosia?
If thou would'st know more of me, my person is freely at thy disposing.
Then I dispose of it to you again: for 'tis so ugly, 'tis not for my use.
I can be ugly or handsome, as I please: go to bed old, and rise young. I have so many Sutes of persons by me, that I can shift 'em when I will.
You are a fool then, to put on your worst Cloaths, when you come a wooing.
Go to: Ask no more questions; I am for thy turn; for I know thy heart: and see all thou hast about thee.
Then you can see my back-side too; there's a bargain for you.—
In thy right pocket: —let me see: —three Love Letters from Judge Gripus, written to the bottom, on three sides; full of sustian passion, and hearty non-sence: as also in the same Pocket, a Letter of thine intended to him; consisting of nine lines and a half: scrawl'd and false spell'd, to show thou art a Woman; and full of fraudulence, and equivocations, and shoeing-horns of Love to him; to promise much, and mean nothing; to show, over and above, that thou art a mere Woman.
Is the Devil in you, to see all this? Now, for Heavens sake, do not look into t'other Pocket.—
Nay, there's nothing there, but a little godly Prayer-book, and— a bawdy Lampoon, and —
Look no farther, I beseech you. —
—Ah!
Which you purloin'd last Night from Bromia.
Keep my Counsel, or I am undone for ever.
No: I'll mortifie thee, now I have a handle to thy Iniquity, if thou wilt not love me. —
Well, if you'll promise me to be secret, I will love you: because indeed I dare doe no other.
'Tis a good Girl; I will be secret; and further, I will be assisting to thee in thy filching: for thou and I were born under the same Planet.
And we shall come to the same end too, I'm afraid.
No; no; since thou hast wit enough already to couzin a Judge, thou need'st never fear hanging.
And will you make your self a younger man; and be handsome too: and rich? for you that know hearts, must needs know, that I shall never be constant to such an ugly old Sosia.
Thou shalt know more of that another time: in the mean while, here's a cast of my Office for thee.
Mercury's SONG to Phaedra.
This Power of yours makes me suspect you for little better than a God; but if you are one, for more certainty, tell me what I am just now thinking.
Why, thou art thinking, let me see; for thou art a Woman, and your minds are so variable, that it's very hard even for a God to know them. But, to satisfie thee, thou art wishing, now, for the same Power I have exercis'd; that thou mightest stamp, like me; and have more Singers come up for another Song.
Gad, I think the Devil's in you. Then I do stamp in some body's Name, but I know not whose;
Come up, Gentle-folks, from below; and sing me a Pastoral Dialogue, where the Woman may have the better of the Man; as we always have in Love matters.
A Pastoral Dialogue betwixt Thyrsis and Iris.
Adieu, I leave you to pay the Musick: Hope well Mr. Planett; there's a better Heav'n in store for you: I say no more, but you can guess.
ACT. V. Gripus, Phaedra.
YOU will not be so base to take it from me?
'Tis my proper Chattel: and I'll seize my own, in whatever hands I find it.
You know I onely show'd it you to provoke your generosity, that you might out-bid your Rival with a better Present.
My Rival is a Thief: and I'll indite you for a Receiver of Stoln Goods.
Thou Hide-bound Lover!
Thou very mercenary Mistress!
Thou most mercenary Magistrate!
Thou Seller of thy self!
Thou Seller of other People: thou Weather-cock of Government: that when the Wind blows for the Subject, point'st to Priviledge; and when it changes for the Soveraign, veers to Prerogative.
Will you compound, and take it as my Present?
No: but I'll send thy Rival to force it from thee.
When a Thief is Rival to his Judge, the Hangman will soon decide the difference.
Save your good Lordship.
From an Impertinent Coxcomb: I am out of humour, and am in hast: leave me.
'Tis my duty to attend on your Lordship, and to ease you of that undecent Burden.
Gold was never any Burden, to one of my Profession.
By your Lordship's permission, Phaedra has sent me to take it from you.
What, by Violence?
No; but by your Honour's permission, I am to restore it to her, and perswade your Lordship, to renounce your Pretensions to her.
Tell her flatly, I will neither do one, nor t'other.
O my good Lord, I dare pass my word for your free consent to both.—Will your Honour be pleas'd to take your choice of one of these?
Why these are Swords: what have I to do with them?
Onely to take your choice of one of them; which your Lordship pleases; and leave the other to your most Obedient Servant.
What, one of these ungodly Weapons? take notice, I'll lay you by the heels, Sirrah: this has the appearance of an unlawfull bloody challenge.
You Magistrates are pleas'd to call it so, my Lord; but with us Swordmen, 'tis an honourable Invitation to the cutting of one anothers Throats.
Be answer'd; I have no Throat to cut. The Law shall decide our Controversie.
By your permission, my Lord; it must be dispatch'd, this way.
I'll see thee hang'd before I give thee any such permission, to dispatch me into another World.
At the least, my Lord, you have no occasion to complain of my want of respect to you: you will neither restore the Gobblet, nor renounce Phaedra: I offer you the Combat; you refuse it: all this is done in the forms of honour: it follows, that I am to affront, cudgel you, or kick you, at my own arbitrement; and I suppose, you are too honourable not to approve of my proceeding.
Here's a new sort of Process, that was never heard of in any of our Courts.
This, my good Lord, is Law in Short-hand, without your long Preambles, and tedious Repetitions, that signifie nothing, but to squeeze the Subject: therefore, with your Lordship's favour, I begin.
What's this for?
To give you an occasion of returning me a box o'th' Ear: that so, all things may proceed methodically.
I put in no answer, but suffer a Non-suit.
No, my Lord; for the Costs and Charges are to be paid: will you please to restore the Cup?
I have told thee, no
Then from your Chin, I must ascend to your Lordship's Ears.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh.— Wilt thou never leave lugging me by the Ears?
Not till your Lordship will be pleas'd to hear reason.
Take the Cup; and the Devil give thee joy on't.
And your Lordship will farther be graciously pleas'd, to release all claims, titles, and actions whatsoever to Phaedra: You must give me leave to add one small memento, for that too.
I renounce her, I release her.
Phaedra; My Lord has been pleas'd to be very gracious; without pushing matters to extremity.
I over-heard it all: But give me Livery and Seisin of the Gobblet, in the first place.
There's an Act of Oblivion shou'd be pass'd too.
Let him begin to remember quarrels, when he dares; now I have him under my Girdle, I'll cap Verses with him to the end of the Chapter.
At the last I have got possession without your Lordship's Warrant; Phaedra, tell Alcmena I am here.
I'll carry no such lying Message: you are not here, and you cannot be here: for, to my knowledge, you are above with my Lady, in the Chamber!
All of a piece, and all Witchcraft! Answer me precisely; do'st thou not know me for Amphitryon?
Answer me first: did you give me a Diamond, and a Purse of Gold?
Thou know'st I did not.
Then, by the same token, I know you are not the true Amphitryon: if you are he, I am sure I left you in bed with your own Wife: now you had best stretch out a leg; and feel about for a fair Lady.
I'll undo this Enchantment with my Sword; and kill the Sorcerer: Come up, Gentlemen, and follow me.
I'll save you the labour; and call him down to Confront you; if you dare attend him.
Now the Spell is ended, and Jupiter can enchant no more; or else Amphitryon had not enter'd so easily.
—Whither now, Gripus? I have business for you: if you offer to stir, you know what follows.
O Heav'ns, what's this I see?
What Prodigy!
How, two Amphitryons!
Two drops of water, cannot be more like.
They are two very same's.
Our Jupiter is a great Comedian; he counterfeits most admirably: sure his Priests have coppy'd their Hypocrisie from their Master.
It must not be.
I am content: let him proceed to Examination.
On whose side woud you please that I shou'd give the Sentence?
Follow thy Conscience for once; but not to make a Custom of it neither; nor to leave an evil precedent of Uprightness to future [Page 52] Judges.
'Tis a good thing to have a Magistrate under Correction: Your old fornicating Judge, dare never give Sentence against him that knows his haunts.
Your Lordship knows I was Master of Amphitryon's Ship; and desire to know of him, what pass'd in private betwixt us two, at his Landing, when he was just ready to engage the Enemy?
Let the true Amphitryon answer first.—
My Lord I told him.—
Peace both of you: — 'Tis a plain Case they are both true; for they both speak together: but for more certainty, let the false Amphitryon speak first.
Then it's as plain on t'other side, that they are both false Amphitryons.
Which Amphitryon shall speak first?
Let the Cholerick Amphitryon speak; and let the peaceable hold his peace.
You may remember that I whisper'd you, not to part from the Stern, one single Moment.
You did so.
No more words then; I proceed to Sentence.
'Twas I that whisper'd him; and he may remember I gave him this reason for it; That if our Men were beaten, I might secure my own retreat.
You did so.
Now again he's as true as t'other.
You know I was Pay-master: What directions did you give me the night before the Battle?
To which of the You's art thou speaking?
It shou'd be a double U: but they have no such letter in their Tongue.
I order'd you to take particular care of the great Bag.
Why this is demonstration.
The Bag that I recommended to you, was of Tygers skin; and mark'd Beta.
In sadness I think they are both Jugglers: Here's nothing, and heres nothing: and then hiccius doccius, and they are both here again.
You peaceable Amphitryon, what Money was there in that Bag?
The summ in gross, amounted just to fifty Attick Talents.
To a farthing?
Paugh: obvious, obvious.
Two thousand pieces of Gold were ty'd up in a Handkerchief by themselves.
I remember it.
Then 'tis dubious again.
But the rest was not all Silver; for there were just four thousand Brass half-pence.
Being but Brass, the proof is inconsiderable: if they had been Silver, it had gone on your side.
Death and Hell, you will not perswade me, that I did not kill Pterelas?
Nor you me, that I did not enjoy Alcmena?
This is the true Amphitryon ▪
May your Lordship please.—
No, Sirrah, it does not please me: hold your tongue, I charge you; for the Case is manifest.
By your favour then, this shall speak for me.
'Tis just in the same Muscle.
Of the same length and breadth; and the Scar of the same blewish colour.
Did not I charge you not to speak? 'twas plain enough before: and now you have puzzled it again.
Good Gods, how can this be!
For certain there was but one Pterelas; and he must have been in the Plot against himself too: for he was kill'd first by one of them; and then rise again out of respect to t'other Amphitryon, to be kill'd twice over.
You'll find it true.
Away, Adultress!
But, and't please your Lordship, is my fellow Phaedra to be exalted into the Heav'ns, and made a Star?
When that comes to pass, if you look up a-nights, I shall remember old kindness, and vouchsafe to twinkle on you.
Here he is again; and there's no passing by him into the House, unless I were a Spright, to glide in through the Key-hole.— I am to be a Vagabond I find.
Sosia, come back.
No I thank you; you may whistle me long enough; a beaten Dog has always the wit to avoid his Master.
I permit thee to be Sosia again.
'Tis an unfortunate Name, and I abandon it: he that has an itch to be beaten, let him take it up for Sosia; — What have I said now! I mean for me; for I neither am nor will be Sosia.
But thou may'st be so in safety: for I have acknowledg'd my self to be God Mercury.
You may be a God, for ought I know; but the Devil take me if ever I Worship you; for an unmercifull Deity, as you are▪
You ought to take it for an honour to be drubb'd by the hand of a Divinity.
I am your most humble Servant, good Mr. God; but by the faith of a Mortal, I cou'd well have spar'd the honour that you did me. But how shall I be sure that you will never assume my shape again?
Because I am weary of wearing so villanous an outside.
Well, well; as villanous as it is, here's old Bromia will be contented with it.
Yes, now I am sure that I may chastise you safely: and that there's no God, lurking under your appearance.
Ay; but you had best take heed how you attempt it: for as Mercury has turn'd himself into me, so I may take the toy into my head, to turn my self into Mercury, that I may swinge you off, condignly.
In the mean time, be all my Witnesses, that I take Phaedra for my Wife of the left hand; that is, in the nature of a lawfull Concubine.
You shall pardon me for believing you, for all you are a God: for you have a terrible ill name below: and I am affraid you'll get a Footman, instead of a Priest, to Marry us.
But here's Gripus shall draw up Articles betwixt us.
But he's damnably u'sd to false Conveyancing: — Well be it so: for my Counsel shall over-look 'em before I Sign: Come on, Gripus; that I may have him under black and white
With all my heart; that I may have thee under black and white hereafter.
Begin, begin; Heads of Articles to be made, &c. betwixt Mercury, God of Thieves—
And Phaedra, Queen of Gypsies.— Imprimis, I promise to buy and settle upon her an Estate, containing Nine thousand Acres of Land, in any part of Boetia, to her own liking.
Provided always, that no part of the said Nine thousand Acres shall be upon, or adjoyning to Mount Parnassus: for I will not be fobb'd off with a Poetical Estate.
Memorandum, that she be always constant to me; and admit no other Lover.
Memorandum, unless it be a Lover that offers more: and that the Constancy shall not exceed the Settle [...]nt.
Item, that she shall keep no Male S [...]rvants in her house: Item, no Rival Lap Dog for a Bedfellow: Item, that she shall never pray to any of the Gods.
What, wou'd you have me an Atheist?
No Devotion to any He-Deity, good Phaedra.
Here's no provision made for Children yet.
Well remember'd, Bromia: I bargain that my Eldest Son shall be a Hero, and my Eldest Daughter a King's Mistress
That is to say, a Blockhead, and a Harlot, Phaedra.
That's true; but who dares call 'em so? Then for the Younger Children: — but now I think on't, we'll have no more, but Mass and Miss; for the rest wou'd be but chargeable, and a burden to the Nation.
Yes, yes; the Second shall be a False Prophet: he shall have Wit enough to set up a New Religion: and too much Wit to dye a Martyr for it.
O what had I forgot? there's Pin-money, and Ali-money, and Seperate maintenance, and a thousand things more to be consider'd; that are all to be tack'd to this Act of Settlement.
I am a fool, I must confess; but yet I can see as far into a Mill-stone as the best of you: I have observ'd that you Women-Wits are commonly so quick upon the scent, that you often over-run it: Now I wou'd ask of Madam Phaedra, that in case Mr. Heaven there, shou'd be pleas'd to break these Articles, in what Court of Judicature she intends to sue him?
The fool has hit upon't: — Gods, and great Men, are never to be sued; for they can always plead priviledge of Peerage: and therefore for once, Mounsieur, I'll take your word; for as long as you love me you'll be sure to keep it: and in the mean time I shall be gaining experience how to manage some rich Cully; for no Woman ever made her Fortune by a Wit.
Amphitryon and Alcmena, both stand mute, and know not how to take it.
Our Soveraign Lord Jupiter is a sly Companion; he knows how to gild a bitter Pill.
We all Congratulate Amphitryon.
Keep your Congratulations to your selves, Gentlemen: 'Tis a nice point, let me tell you that; and the less that [...]s said of it, the better. Upon the whole matter, if Amphitryon takes the favour of Jupiter in patience, as from a God, he's a good Heathen.
I must take a little extraordinary pains to night, that my Spouse may come even with her Lady, and produce a Squire to attend on young Hercules, when he goes out to seek Adventures; that when his Master kills a Man, he may stand ready to pick his Pockets; and piously relieve his Aged Parents. Ah, Bromia, Bromia; if thou hadst been as handsome and as young as Phaedra; I say no more, but some-body might have made his Fortunes as well as his Master, and never the worse Man neither.
EPILOGUE,
THE SONGS IN AMPHITRYON, WITH THE MUSICK.
Composed by Mr. HENRY PƲRCELL.
LONDON, Printed by J. Heptinstall for Jacob Tonson at the Judge's-Head in Chancery-Lane. MDCXC.
First Song, in the third Act.
[...] CE—lia, that I once was Blest, is now the torment of — my Breast; Since to [...] curse me you bereave me, of the plea- sure — I pos—sess't; Cru—el Creature [...] to deceive me; — first — to Love and then to leave me; cru—el Creature [...] to — de—ceive me, — first — to Love and — then to leave me; [...] [Page 2]
The second Song, in the fourth Act.
[...] For I—ris I -sigh, —and—houre—ly [...] dye, but — not for a — Lip, — nor a —languishing Eye;— she's [...] [Page 4] Fickle and false, and there we a—gree, O these—are the Vir—tues that [...] Captivate me; we nei—ther be—leive what ei—ther can — say,—and [...] nei—ther be—lei—ving, we —nei—ther be—tray, we—tray. [...]
Last Song. A Dialogue betwixt Thyrsis and Iris.
[...]FAir I—ris and her Swain, were in a sha dy Bow'r, where Thyrsis long—in — [...] Vain had sought the happy — hour: at length his hand advancing upon her Snowy [...] Breast, he said; O kiss me longer, and —long—cryer, and long [...] — er; if— you— will — make me blest: — an— [...] [Page 6] easy yeild-ing Maid, by trusting is un—done; our Sex is oft betray'd by — [...] —grant — ing Love—too soon; — if you de—sire — to — [...] —gain me, your suff'rings to re—dress, prepare to Love me lon—ger,—and — [...] —long—er yet, and long—er,—be— fore you [...] [Page 7] [ Thyrsis.] [...]shall pos—sess: The lit—tle care you show, of all my sorrows past, makes [...] Death appear too slow, and life — too long to — last. Fair I—ris — [...] kiss me kindly,—in pit—ty of my Fate, and kind—ly still, and kind—ly— [...] still, — before it be too late. You fond—ly court your bliss, and no advances [...] [Page 8] make, 'tis not for Maids to give, but 'tis for men to take: so you may kiss me [...] kind —ly, and kindly still and kindly, and I will not re-bell; but doe not kiss and [...] tell, — but doe not kiss and —tell, —no, ne—ver kiss and — tell. — [...] [Page 9] — Yes you may kiss me kind-ly, - and kindly still, and [...] and may I kiss you kindly,—and—kindly still, and kindly, and — [...] kindly still, and kindly, and I will not rebell. Yes you may kiss me kindly still, and [...] will you not re—bell? — and may I kiss you kindly, —and kindly still, and [...] [Page 10] kindly still, and I will not re-bell; but doe not kiss and tell, but doe not kiss and [...]kind-ly still, and you will not re—bell? — no, no, —no, no,— [...] tell, —no, no,—no, no, — no, no, — no, no, — no, no, no, no, — i'le [...] no, no, i'le never kiss and tell, no, no, i'le never kiss & tell, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, [...] [Page 11] never, never, — never — no never, never, never, no, never kiss and tell. [...]i'le ne—ver, ne-ver, never, i'le never, never, never kiss and tell. [...] [Chorus.] [...] Thus at the height we Love and — live and fear not, — fear not — [...] Thus at the height we Love and live and fear not — fear not — [...] [Page 12] to — be — poor; — We — give, and we —give, we —give and we — [...]to be—poor; We give and we — give, we — [...] give, — we give and we give till we can give no more:— [...] give and we give, —and give till we can give no more:— [...] [Page 13] The first strain again. [...] But what to day will take a —way, to morrow, to mor—row [...] But what to day will take a —way, to morrow, to mor—row [...] will re—store. [...]will re—store. [...]