THE DISCOVERY of A NEW WORLD or A Description of the South Indies. Hetherto vnknowne By an English Mercury

Imprinted for Ed: Blount and W. Barrett.

TO THE TRVE mirror of truest honor, WILLIAM Earle of Penbroke.

IF IT BE an offence (my noble LORD) to shew our Affections vnto those wee honor in any ob­iect of du­tyfullnesse whatsoeuer: then haue I offended, and must kneele [Page] for remission. But if loue and grati­tude be law dable effects, in what forme soeuer they appeare, then haue not I broken any condition of decorum, in consecrating this worke to your illustrious honour. It bare the badge of an honorable Patron in the originall: and I could make it doe no lesse in the translation. And for mine election, the worlds generall decay of the e­steeme of learning, in those breasts that haue best meanes to support it, and the farre-spread fame of your glory, by that Phoenix-bounty that hath left all the land to build her nest in your bosome, these motiues haue more then induced mee to approache so neere that bright lustre your Ho­nour lights the world with, as to beare one part in the Hymnes of your prayses, by this dutifull dedication▪ And (good my Lord) herein bee▪ you my seauen-sold shield against the shout of all those blistered mouthes, whose most felicitie is to mis-interprete most [Page] maliciouslie: Or doe but giue mee foote-holde, and then let mee alone to beate all their disgraces about their owne eares, and the whole worlds, in a true Satyrick furie; in an Ariostoes Swanne, that shall snatch their names from times all-wasting skirt, and beare them vp, to euer-lasting recorde in the Temple of Infamie. But for my dutie to your sacred vertues, let this expresse mee: I will bee that Bolognian dogge, whose faith purchased him this Epi­ [...]aph: that hee did alwayes

Latrai a ladri, & a gli amanti tacqui, &c.

Barke lowd at theeues, and make them euer faile:
But whē friends came, lay down, & wagd his taile.

Such am I: consecrated to your Lord­ships seruice: and vnder the protecti­on of this mine owne zeale, aduen­ture to present you with A discoue­rie and no discouerie, of a world and no world, both knowne and vnknowne, by a [Page] traueller that neuer trauelled. Written first in Latine, and no Latine, and now translated, and yet not translated, by the same man, yet not the same man that first of all pend it.

Your Honours most zealously deuoted: I. H.

To the Readers, Instructions for their voiage into this new world.

THere are diuers inquisitiue Scepti­ques (vnpartial reader, for such I would haue thee to be,) who since this new Discouery of the South Indies, vpon some ouer-sight of mine owne, in not gi­uing sufficient intimation of the grounds whence I had the first light of the said Discouery, as also of the manner where­in I haue proceeded vpon the said grounds haue out-runne their owne iudgments in descanting farre otherwise of this worke, then a fauourable censure would euer haue held it to deserue, and being either lead with too much zeale to the well deser­uing vertues of that Reuerend man that long agoe laid the first proiect of this Dis­couery, or with (it may be a true) obser­uation of some imperfection in mee that now of late haue raised this new building vpon that old foundation: haue taken oc­casion both to thinke him lesse worthy of their good conceites, and also to proclaime me a iust deseruer of the seuerest and most [Page] exemplary censures. Which wrong done vnto him (whome I must euer reuerence) hath bound mee to make an ingenuous ac­knowledgement of mine owne forgetful­nesse in the first edition of this present worke, rather then to sit still and see his reputation exposed to the misconstructi­ons to which my negligence is (& in some iudgements, iustly) imagined to haue gi­uen the first and originall cause. But let this protestation be (if it may be) suffici­ent to remooue the weight of siniste im­putations from his grauity, and lay them vpon mine owne youthfulnesse, that I dare engage my life, there is no man in the whole world, who hath either conuersed with himselfe in person, or his workes in print, that euer will surmise this present copy to haue had any testimony of his ac­knowledgement, or approbation to bee any way befitting his place, or (which is more) his profession. Wherefore to giue a full answere vnto that grosse misprision of theirs, who imagine the worke it selfe to haue beene of his writing and publish­ing in the forme wherein it now passeth; whereby they take occasion to taxe him of [Page] diuers (in their iudgement) immodest, light, scurrilous, and ridiculous passages therein. I doe here absolutely auerre, and giue notice to all that shall hereafter take view hereof, This worke was neuer his, he neuer saw it, neuer dreamed of any such matter, vntill hee met it in the hand of another man. There was indeed a little booke some 8. or 9. yeares agoe that came from Franckford, which some few (I know not vpon what illumination more then ordinary) affirmed to haue passed the file of his muse, which if it be true, it can be no way in the world either preiudiciall to his learning, (seeing it hath all perfection fit­ting an absolute poeme) nor to his grauity or profession, seeing it was a birth of his youth; wherein neuerthelesse I will a vow that hee hath towred aboue the capacities (at least aboue the imitation) of all those ouer-weening iudgements that dare any way presume to traduce his originall. In iust defence of which worthy worke, I cast defiance in the teeth of all that malice or traduce him, that it is neither any way scurrilous, immodest, light, nor ridiculous: and I will giue the proudest Critique [Page] that liues, as many yeares as hee and his fellowes haue bin fooles, either to parallell it, or to pick any the least touch out of it, which cannot bee defended euen till his wittes that shall oppose, be drawne as dry as euer Dutchman left cup.

But as touching this present pile of English, it is mine, it hath no further al­liāce to his, then chalke hath to cheese, for as these haue no cohaerence in their nearest proprieties (which translations should ne­uer want) but onely in their generall kind of essence as they are both corporeall sub­stances; no more doth this worke any way resemble his in fashion, stile, or discourse, but onely in the inuention and proiect. As for the passages in it, which some pre­tend to bee scurrilous or immodest, there may perhaps bee some indeed that carry not that pondrous respect in them which an ancient iudgement, or retired grauity may seeme to require: I grant it, what would yee haue more? they are flashes of youth: semel insaniuimus omnes; And I pray yee (that censure mee so ruthlesly) which of you all is there, but one time or other in the forenoone of your daies, hath [Page] had his vagaries in the world, and hath flowne out sometimes as well as I? Oh but, not inprint, saies some seuerer Critique! Alas yet had Ouid his Amores, Seneca his Lusus in Claudium, and others as graue as hee, their exorbitances now and then as vnguirt as others! But that these weakenesses (for so I confesse they are) in mee, should be made as staines to the repu­tation of another, of one whose learning, life, and workes now extant may serue as purging fires whereat all those that hence haue taken occasion to wrong him thus, might long agoe haue lighted their igno­rance were it neuer so immense; that my lightnesses should bee reputed as births of his worthines! Oh that my pen (whereby since I have ignorantly iniur'd him, I doe thus willingly and freely cleare him) could but make them see what an vniust con­struction they haue made of an ignorant (and I protest vtterly vnwilling) offence! But since mine owne vnwarinesse gaue first occasion of those vnkinde, and more then foolish callumniations which igno­rance draweth from mine error, to staine his goodnesse with; all the satisfaction I [Page] can giue him, is to shew my selfe willing to make a faire way againe for his deserts, in the bosomes of such as hence take their occasiō of dislike, by proclaiming this truth to all that shall read it, that this present Discouery of the South-Indies is none of his, but had this forme giuen it, with­out his knowledge, by one who will euer acknowledge his worth & grauity to haue beene vtterly ignorant of any vnfit phrase whatsoeuer included in the whole booke. Hee whom my contrition, and this satis­faction (COLLATERALLY) cannot content, is without mercy, and I assure my selfe will dye without merit, if hee bee not quickly shipt away for this new Continent, with letters of commendation to all our friends in Cockscombaya.

As for you (gentlemen and frinds) whose iudgements haue giuen gracious acceptance to this our Imaginary world, I will euer endeuor to further your con­tentments with the best inuentions that the labours of a yong scholler can produce. You, (right Iouiall spirits) and none but you, are they to whom I consecrate these my trauels, since none but you can discerne [Page] the sence which they include. Onely in one thing I must intreate your fauorable Censures, and that is, in my allusions here and there vnto the names of some cities of fame and respect, both of our owne, and o­thers: assuring you (as your true exami­nation of the particulars may assure you better) that I had no intent to intimate any collation or reference of the state or maners of those I describe, vnto theirs to which I allude. Let this protestation there­fore cleare me from sinister imputations, and you from all vntrue suppositions.

And know all you that haue not yet seene these Lands, but intend to take a view of thē hereafter, that you must first of al take one of that French Doctors pills, Despo­uillez vous de tout affection, and this will enable you fully to endure the altera­tion of all ayres in this clime. Secondly you must neuer trauell single, but two, or three in a company, for one you know may apprehend more then another can, and those before, that haue miscaried in this voiage, as you haue heard, incurred their misfortunes onely by neglecting this di­rection, and by too much conuersing with [Page] those of the Foolianders nation. Third­ly, you must go ouer the country thrice, ere you shalbe able to make any exact plat­forme of it: Once for Strabo, once for Socrates, and once for Merlin Cocaius; The first for the Geography, the second for the Morality, and the third for the Language, and Etymology. No more at this time, but aboord when you please and a good gale of wit go along with you.

His, that is his. IOHN HEALEY.

A Table of the chapters.

The first Booke.
  • THE discouery of the land of Ten­ter-belly part of the South Indies bordering vpon Tierra del fuego, and the situation thereof. liber 1. chapter 1.
  • Eat-allia and Drink-allia. chap. 2.
  • Dressem-bourg the first Canton of Eat-al­lia. cap. 3.
  • Banquetois the second Canton of Eat-al­lia. cap. 4.
  • Pewter-platteria the third Canton of Eat-allia. cap. 5
  • The metropolitaine Citty of Eat-allia [Page] and the peoples conditions. cap. 6.
  • The warres of the Eat-allians. cap. 7.
  • Of Idle-bergh an Imperiall free towne. cap. 8.
  • The lawes of the land. cap. 9.
  • Their religion. cap. 10.
  • The election of the great Duke. cap. 11.
  • Of Starue-ling Iland, or Hungerland. cap. 12.
  • Drinke-allia the second Prouince of Tenter-belly and the conditions of the Inhabitants. Chap. 1.
  • THE shires of their countrie. cap. 2.
  • The discription of Carousi-kanikin the chiefe citty of Drink-allia, as also of the fashions and conditions of the Drink-alls. cap. 3.
  • Of the Knights of the goulden Tunne, and of the lawes of the Cittie. cap. 4.
  • [Page]The artes, and millitary discipline of the Drink-alls. cap. 5.
  • The funeralls of one of the cheefe Quagmyrists, and the sacrifices of Bacchus. cap. 6.
  • Of Hot-watria or Lycor-Ardent, and of the Pilgrimage to Saint Borachio. cap. 7. And last of the first booke.
The second Booke.
  • THE description of Shee-landt, or Womandecoia and of the situtation thereof. cap. 1.
  • How the Gossipingo-esses vsed the author of this descouery. cap. 2.
  • Their formes of gouernment, and elec­tions of persons of State. cap. 3.
  • The originall of the Shee-landresses. cap. 4.
  • Of Gigglot-tangir. cap. 5.
  • Of Double-sex Ile, otherwise called Skrat or Hermophrcodite Iland. cap. 6.
  • Of Srews-bourg. cap. 7.
  • And last of the second booke.
  • The third Booke, or the descouery of Fooliana and the Situation and populousnesse thereof. Chap. 1.
  • THE parts of Fooliana and the peo­ples conditions in general. cap. 2.
  • Of Fooliana the fickle. cap. 3.
  • Of the peoples conditions and attires. sect. 1.
  • Of the Duke and Inhabitants of Solita­ria the sad. sect. 2. 3. 4.
  • Of Cholericoy the other Dutchie of Fooli­ana the craggy. cap. 5.
  • Fooliana the fond. cap. 6.
  • Of Ass-sex. sect. 2.
  • Of the Citties of Cocks-combria, and Ass­sex and of Blocks-foord the metropoli­tane sea. sect. 3.
  • Of the Bourgue-maisters of Blocks-foord. sect. 4.
  • Of the Marquisate of Spendal-ezza. sect. 5. and 6.
  • Of Fooliana the fatte. cap. 7.
  • [Page]The quality and condition of the peo­ple. sect. 2.
  • The paradise of Fooliana the fatte. sect. 3.
  • Of Fooliana the deuout. cap. 8.
  • Sectorioua the second Prouince of Fooli­ana the deuout. sect. 2.
  • The State politique of Fooliana, in ge­nerall. cap. 9.
  • And last of the third booke.
  • The fourth Booke, or the descouery of Thee-uingen and the des­cription thereof. Chap. 1.
  • THE conditions of the Robbers-wal­ders. cap. 2.
  • The pirats, and Sea-borderers of Rob­bers-walder. cap. 3.
  • How the author got into this country of the Harpies. cap. 4.
  • Of Lyers-buy plaines; The natures of [Page] the Leger-demanians of Free-purlogne, and Bags-death. cap. 5.
  • Of Lurtch-thrift a Country in Legerde­maine. cap. 6.
  • Of Still-moore. cap. 7.
  • And last of the forth booke.
FINIS.

❧The occasion of this trauell, and the pre-instruc­tion for it.

MINE acquaintance with trauellers of all sorts, is both well knowne to our Vniuersitie men, and re­corded by the curteous correspondence that haue beene euer held betweene strangers and me: whether this of Homer mooued mee to this humour,

[...]
[...]:

Or were it that mine vnquenched thirst and desire of knowledge, togither with the applausiue carriage I found in these men, were the motiues to these effects, I knowe not. I was already fully acquain­ted with all the rarities of mine owne Nation: and falling into a discourse of the profit of trauell with two Aliens of my neare acquaintance (Peter Beroaldus, [Page] a Frenchman, and Adrian Cornelius Droge, a Dutchman) wherein wee had many delightfull passages about compari­sons of languages, conditions, and cities; at last, In troth (quoth Beroaldus) I know not as yet what trauell meanes, if hee that leaues his natiue soyle to passe but into a neighbour countrie, or ouer a neighbour riuer (admit it bee the Rhine, or the Tweed) deserue this name (as vulgar opinion seemes to allow) whereas hee neuer changes eyther skie, ayre, or soyle: I see not (if this bee true) any profit or worth in the world, contained in trauell. My parents & friends at Montauban, haue written very often for my returne, as though I were farre from them: whereas I (beleeue mee) haue imagined my selfe all this whole two yeares at home: for how little a way is it from Mount-auban to Paris, from Paris to Callis, from Callis to Douer? Truely when I thinke of the land, it seemes about an elle: in the Mappe a finger-breadth: in the forme of the heauens, iust nothing. Nor see I any reason why that France should hee held my natiue soyle more then [Page] all Europe: for if you stand vpon diuersity of language, how many languages (I pray yee) haue yee in Europe quite different from the French? If the conditions of the nations mooue yee, view not Europe, but view the whole world, and euery Prouince thereof, leaning to the qualities of those that adioyne vpon it, as the Polipus turnes into the colour of euery stone shee comes neere! O Beroaldus (quoth I againe) but we do enuie at the licence you haue to con­temne trauell: wee (wretches) that like Tortoyses, are bound to our owne houses, whilest you haue taken suruey of all the worlds singularities, and now that you are filled with their knowledge, you set them at nought thus. Might I but view the Snowie Alpes, or the shady Pyrenes, oh how much should I thinke my selfe beholding to mine eyes at my resting time, when all that I had seene should turne to my benefit, and store mine vnderstanding with a fresh fraught of knowledge! Ah how much (quoth Be­roaldus) doth absence promise him that would bee present, and how vaine are the hopes that attend on ignorance! friend, [Page] when I was at home, vnexperienced, I thought as you do; but triall hath now taught me to see mine owne simplicity. A trauell of so small toyle yeelds easie satisfaction: and in this, your expectation shall exceede your experience in all those nouelties. For­reine parts are so like ours, that you cannot thinke them strange to yee, though you ne­uer saw them before. And what is there in all the knowne world, which mapps, and au­thors cannot instruct a man in, as perfectly as his owne eyes? your England is described by Cambden: what vnderstanding man is there, that cannot, out of him, make as perfect a description of any cittie, riuer, mo­nument, or wonder in all your Ile, as well as if hee had viewed it in person himselfe? What part of Europe is there that affoords more to a strangers eye then is related by one pen-man or other? The seuerall condi­tions of the people are all described already: as farre as eyther pen or experience can set downe: but neither can giue any vniuersall knowledge. The French are commonly called rash, the Spaniard proud, the Dutch drunken; the English the busi-bands; the [Page] Italians effeminate; the Swethen timo­roas, the Bohemians inhumaine; the Irish barbarous and superstitious: but is any man so sottish, as to thinke that France hath no staid man at all in it; Spaine, no meacock; or Germanie none that liues soberly? They are fooles (beleeue it) that will tie mens manners so firme vnto the starres, that they will leaue nothing to a mans owne power, nothing to the parents natures, nothing to nurture and education. View this Pernas­sus here, whereon we liue: Suppose here were a Colledge of Italians, Spanish, French, Danes, Dutch and Polacques? doe you thinke to finde more varietie of dispositions in this company of Students, then you may doe amongst your owne English?

Turne yee therefore which way yee will, I cannot see how this halfe a foote trauell can benefit vs any waye, excep­ting that wee may reape some annimation to learning by the sight of such great Schol­lers, as Whitaker, Raynolds, Bellar­mine, Beza, Iunius, Lipsius, and such like as those vvere. Indeede I holde, that your Drake and your Candish were [Page] trauellers, as also Sebastian Delcano, the Portughesse, because their voyages put girdles about the whole world: Nay I will allow Chrystopher Colono that name also, for his discouerie of the West Indies, Francesco Piccaro, and Almagro for Peru, Hernando Magellano for the Mo­luccaes, and Sir Hugh Willoughbye for his Northren discoueries: together with all such as eyther haue first found out vn­knowne regions, or haue brought them to order. And truly (I will tell you two plaine) my minde doth prompt me with some noble enterprise of this kinde, such as the world might gaze at, and all posterity record with admiration. With that hee blusht, and held his peace, as if he had blabd some bold secret. Yea Beroaldus (quoth Drogius to him) & dare you not speake it out? doe you imagine to torture our mindes with setting them on worke vpon doubtfull inquiries, or is your modest secret (hetherto so closely suppressed) afraide to aduenture vpon so many eares at once? Nay speake what ere it bee, wee haue cleere browes (looke you) open eares, and faithfull hearts: nor can your vnknowne [Page] enterprise come to light eyther vvith more securitie, or fitter occasion. Well Drogius well, (quoth Beroaldus) you take my si­lence in no good sence, but mixe it with your coniectures, that though great matters neuer goe but (like as Prin­ces doe with their numerous traines) with a great preamble of ambiguous tearmes; yet that I should not doe so, but vent a pondrous conceite, a birth that my braine hath trauelld a yeare with, all naked, with­out any praemonitions. In truth I resolued at the first to let you know it: marry not with-out some graduall proceedings, and materiall preparations, without which, I know well how fond the vvisest proiect doth commonly seeme: but now I see my selfe chayned to a head-long discouerie mauger my beard, vnlesse I should giue you iust cause to call my loue to you both, in question. Wherefore you shall know it: sooner (I assure you) then I did intend, but with no lesse willingnesse: Onely ima­gine you, that you haue already heard mine intended premonition.

It hath euer offended mee to looke vpon [Page] the Geographicall mapps, and finde this: Terra Australis, nondum Cognita. The vnknowne Southerne Continent. What good spirit but would greeue at this? If they know it for a Continent, and for a Southerne Continent, why then doe they call it vn­knowe? But if it bee vnknowne; why doe all the Geographers describe it after one forme and site? Idle men that they are, that can say, this it is, and yet wee know it not: How long shall wee continue to bee ignorant in that vvhich vvee professe to haue knowledeg of?

Certé si nemo vnquam
—vv—Fragilem truci
Commisisset Pelago ratem

If none had euer beeen So bold as to expose the slender barke vnto the Oceans teene

Then vvee might haue had some excuse for our obstinate (wee may euen as vvell confesse it) and notorius idlenesse: But seeing all is opened now; seeing there is not a ship-boy but knows all the vvindes, [Page] creekes, shelfes and harbours of the whole world; slie vpon this slouth of ours, this more then female feare, this vaine careles­nesse, that vvittingly and willingly robbes vs of another world. What colour haue vve for it? vvhat feare vve? shadowes, or our selues? there is heauen, there is earth in that continent, & there is men, perhaps more ciuill then wee are. Who euer expected such wit, such gouernment in China? such arts, such practise of all cunning? wee thought learning had dwelt in our corner of the world: they laugh at vs for it and well may▪ auouching that they of al the earth, are two­ey'd men, the Europians the one eyd, and all the world else, starke blind. But admit there be no men in this climate: it is a shame for a wise man either to feare or complaine of solitarinesse.

These thoughts haue fired my brest full of­ten: and whilest others neglect them, haue kindled a bold attempt in mee, beyond the rest. I see the land lye vnknowne; no man dreames of it; I will assay to discouer it. Your enterprise Beroaldus (quoth I) is great, and almost more then mortall [Page] power can execute. Howeuer it succeede, I applaude your generous spirit, as like your owne: but as you said, great matters, as they require many praemonitions, so doe they more premeditations. Haue you therefore cast your full account of the dangers, la­bours, hopes, expences, and all other such ac­cidents as must attend this your attempt? There is heauen you say: there may bee so, and yet you bee kept from the sight of it by perpetuall darkenesse.

There is earth; but you may bee driuen out of that by beasts and serpents: There are men: but perhaps you had rather want their company, when you know them, then haue it. If one of you Patagonian Giants should catch your and eate you quite vp, where are you then my fine discouerer? It is good thinking of those things, but it is dan­gerous trying. O sir (saith Beroaldus a­gaine) you know not that the Cape of good hope lies ouer against this land. We must hope, and wee must dare. Those bug-beares of dangers at fit to fright babies: but they anymate bolder spirits. If we should sticke at them, wee should neuer looke out at our [Page] owne dores. That was the cause America lay so long vnknowne, and had done still (for ought I see) but that GOD sent a Doue from Heauen, which plucking of an Oliue branch from this Continent, taught vs by that, that there was yet more land, and lesse sea then wee dreamed of: O how sacred shall his name beheld with all posterity! His statue shalbe aduanced, for vs al to gaze vp­on, whilst earth keepes her foundation. It is as great a glory (thinke I) to bee called The new worlds discouerer, as her conque­ror. And why may not wee haue that suc­cesse, and the like glory? I am the more ex­cited to this, by that ancient, and famous prophecy of Seneca, which remayneth vnto vs to fulfill.

Seneca in Mc­dea.
—Venient annis
Secula seris, quando Oceanus
Vnicula rerum laxet, & ingens
[...]ateat Tellus.

—When certaine years are spent Hereafter; shall the spumy Ocean shew [...]is secret store, and ope to mortals view —A larger continent.

[Page] What can be spoken more plaine, to point out this discouery? Here did Drogius re­plie: What Man? beware how you raise so great a building on so weake a foundati­on. Your Doue hath fulfilled your Poets coniectures, all of them, alreadie. The summe of yeares is now runne: Ameri­ca is that large continent. Dreame you of any other either age, or discouery? I know the generality of your opinion (quoth Bero­aldus) but I doubt of the truth, for Prophe­cies are alwaies de futuro: and what if I prooue the countrie America to be knowne to former ages? If I doe, Senecaes wordes are no presage, but an intimation of a thing done. Now I am fully perswaded that some part of these west Indies was that Ophir, where Salomons and Hirams nauy had their gold. For whereas there are fiue seue­rall opinionists touching this, viz. 1. Raba­nus, Maurus and Nicholaus de Lyra, af­firming that Ophir was in the East-Indies. 2. Volateranus, and Ortelius, auoutching it to bee an Island in the Ethiopian Ocean, from an apocryphall relation of one Lewis Venetus; 3. Gaspar Varerius, who affir­med [Page] all that was contayned in Pegu, Mala­ca, and Sumatra, to be whilom called by this name. 4. Francis Vatablus whom Colo­nus also (as P. Martyr saith) did follow: who said that Hispaniola was Ophir. 5. Wil­liam Postelius, Goropius Becanus, and Arias Montanus, all which auoutch direct­ly that Ophir was this continent in which Peru lieth. Of these the two last, and likeli­est, make for vs, I care not which you take. The first two, Varerius hath ouerthrowne, horse & foote: to ad more were too superflu­ous. Sufficeth only that I proue him errone­ous, in putting Pegu, Sumatra & Malaca for Ophir. And first, holy writ saith plaine, that those two nauies were two years out, in each of their voiages to Ophir: but y e space of 10. months, or 12. at the most, will serue to passe and returne from the red sea to Su­matra: how then can this proposition of time agree with his opinion? what can Va­rerius say to this: that nauigation was not exact then, as the Portugalls haue made it since, and therefore in such a vast roome for ignorance, the nauies might spend the more in a wrong course.

[Page] Well sir, but how came Salomon to the knowledge of this farre distant land? From God you say, I beleeue yee. So then, hee that taught him that there was such a land, and that there was gold in such a land, and aduised him to send thither, would not hee (thinke you) shew him the right way the­ther? Againe, the time of their being out is alwaies set downe but one: at the end of which they euermore returned, neither stay­ing longer, nor comming sooner: which proues the distance of the place, and not the error of the sailers. Lastly, the very name speaketh for vs as plaine as may: [...] and [...] do but transpose one letter, and they are all one. Let mee therefore hold you for incredu­lous obstinates if you confesse not that A­merica was knowne long before Senecaes time. You are victor Beroaldus, quoth I, and may now lawfully triumph: But admit that it was knowne to Salomon, and his naui­gators; doth it follow therefore that it was discouered to the whole world besides, and such as had no commerce at all with the Iewes? or might not the memory of it bee vtterly extinct before the later times of [Page] the Romaines? Which if it were, your opi­nion and Senecaes presage are both ouer­throwne. Nay nay, quoth Beroaldus, I am not so easily disheartened with shadowes of reason. This sit doubt of yours, giues mee the stronger foote-hold. History is not silent in this discouery, but preserues the memory of it euen vnto the last posterities of the Ro­mans. For you know that from Salomon to the building of Carthage was little lesse then 150. yeares. But the Carthaginians (as Aristotle witnesseth, nor can I beleeue that they did this in their Citties infancie) after a tedious nauigation did finde an Is­land beyond the Gades, (which can bee none but this) situate in the Atlantike sea; wherevpon they made a law (which is a true signe that neither did they people it, nor the rest of the world, as then, commonly knew it) that none should euer saile thether againe; fearing least the wealthy and pleasant soile should allure the Citizens to leaue Car­thage and go dwell there. Now the Greci­ans hauing this knowledge of it from Car­thage, how should it bee euer kept from Rome? But sirs, kicke against the truth as [Page] long as you list, or yeeld to it as I doe: I am most firmely perswaded that Senecaes large continent is yet vndiscouered, and staies to yeeld vs this glorie, if we dare ven­ter on it. For my selfe; I am comming (my world) after so many vowes, and delaies, now I come at last, all fraight with hope and confidence, either to vnmaske thee to Eu­rope, or to lay my bones in thee. And you (my friends and fellowes) if there bee any true vertue, or loue of glory in your breasts, goe and share with mee in my fortunes in this great enterprise. Shame goe with those frozen bosomes that affect nothing but se­curity and in glorious estate; that like no se­pulcher but of the nations earth where they first breathed. We shall thirst, we shall be sicke, wee shall perish, O base hearing! vn­seemely for a Philosopher once to think vpō! And shaming the thoughts of trauellers, of such as seeke out a new world, and scorne this olde one. There wanteth nothing but a good will. If yee bee men take that will vnto yee, arme your selues against weake opinatiuenesse, and let vs undertake that iourney which may be perhaps, delightfull, [Page] and cannot but proue glorious vnto vs how­soeuer it may seeme laborious. If not, lusk at home with vigour without honor: I will finde some that shall beare mee company in this famous enterprise, whose after re­nowne you may perhaps enuy too late. Here he stopt his speech, and beheld vs with an eye somewhat disturbed. His pithy speech (whereof I cannot rehearse the tenth part) mooued vs much, and so did our desires of nouelty and glorie: briefely, wee assen­ted, and resolued all to assay this great dis­couerie, and embarked our selues in a ship called The Fancie, taking our leaues of all our friends and acquaintance.

After three daies wee arriued on the Belgique shores, and at the weekes end in Aquitane: but Drogius staied behinde at Delfe, and Beroaldus left mee here and departed vnto Monutauban, against both their wills: exposing mee to the de­rision of all mine acquaintance, after their great expectation of this our discoue­rie vnlesse I would proceede, and aduen­ture vpon all those vnknowne perills alone. Yet this vnexpected departure [Page] of theirs did not ouer-come my resolution, but I would needes forwards, and hauing (after two yeares) passed the Canaries, the coasts of Affrica, and Monomotapa: At last I arriued at that promontory of Tenter-belly, which is called Il Cabo Negro.

The discouery of the land of Tenter-belly, a part of the South Indies, bordering vpon Terra del fuego.
THE FIRST BOOKE,

Of the situation thereof.

THe land of Tenter-belly is a region farre exten­ding both in longitude and latitude, bounding on the North vpon the Ethiopian Ocean, on the East vpon For Glut­tony is the induction vnto lecherie. Letcheritania & Shee-landt: on the South, vpon A fat belly makes a leane braine. Fooliana the fatte: and on the West vpon Filtching-fennes. It lieth in that vndiscouered Continent, where that huge and monstrous Birde called This birds picture is to be seene in the largest maps of the vvorld, with an Elephant in his poun­ces. And for his insati­ate greedi­nesse, is held to be the Re­gions Genius. RVC, snatcheth vp (now and then) a whole Elephant at a stoope, and swappes him vp at a bit. This is not incredible, for what I auerre, most of our Geographers in their moderne dis­coueries doe confirme.

[Page 2] Touching the soyle, the fertilitie is most worthily admirable: the ayre most delicately temperate: ô how I haue pit­tied, that so bad husbandmen should possesse so happy an habitation. In lati­tude it lieth full sixtie degrees, and in longitude seuenty foure frō Cabo de bona speranza, and is situate almost directly opposite vnto the Southerne frontiers of Affrica. Such Cosmographers as write hereof, diuide it generally into two Prouinces, Eat-allia (called other­wise in the naturall idiome of the inha­bitants Gluttonia) and Drink-allia, or (in the same language) Quaffonia: the for­mer, situate in the same longitude and latitude (God saue the sample) with our England and the later, with the two Germanies. Both haue one Prince, both one lawe: and a little reformation would make them concurre both in Prince, lawe, habite and manners.

Eat-allia, or Gluttonia. CHAP. 1.

EAt-allia, is in forme triangulare, like the Greeke letter Delta, which bea­reth this forme: [Δ] It is And so are most of you Belly gods, the inhabitants thereof. as broad as long, and resembleth the figure of the old Aegypt; being full of high skie tow­ring hills, and yet so fertile, that the very Birds (that flock thether from all places to feed) if they stay but one three mo­neths at the mangery this soile affords them, are so ladened with the luggage of their owne fatned bodies, that they cannot possibly get wing so high as to ouer-toppe one of the meaner moun­taines, but become sworne inhabitants of this fatte countrie all their liues af­ter. Fatte? why your Italian Ortolano, or Beccafico is but carrion to them. No. they are rarely fedde. This may seeme a fiction, but hee that hath seene the workes of nature in Scotland, where the leaues that fall from certaine trees, lying but a while to rotte, become [Page 4] a goodly kinde of fowle called Hector Boetius, Hol­lingshead, &c. Bar­nacles, (which are a kinde of wild-geese) or in Scythia, where (as an honorable embassador of ours hath giuen an appro­ued testimonie) there are certaine crea­tures grow out of the earth in the shapes of The Dukes of Muscouie haue the skins of these crea­tures kept for their ovvne vses: they grovv in Hor­da zauolh a plaine in Scy­thia, and are called the skins of Sa­marchand. Of this lambe you may read in Scaliger, Excercit. 59. cardan. Baro Heberstin. & Libau. tract de agno vege­tab. Lambes, which being fast ioyned vnto the stalke they grow vpon, do not­withstanding eate vp all the grasse about them: he (I say) that hath assurance of these rare effects, cannot but assent vnto mine assertions as most authenticall. But (to leaue digressions, and to returne to our purpose) The fishes of the Eat-allian shores (and fish they haue in great a­boundance) are naturally so rauenous and greedy, that (whether they pertake of the nature of the nation, or like Iunenal. Satyr. 4. Nero's Turbut, presage their honorable Sepultures) you can no sooner cast out your angle-hooke amongst them, but immediatly, (like the soules in Lucian about Charons boate, or Cole-miners about the Rope when the candles burn­ing blew tels the dampe commeth) you shall haue hundreds about the line, some [Page 5] hanging on the hooke, and some on the string besides it, such is their pleasure to goe to the pot, such their delight to march in pompe from the dresser. Be­sides, the land hath diuerse good hauens, but they serue for harbour to no ship but such as comes fraught with good fare, and is laden with delicious viands. If any parcell of their fraight haue taken Salt-water, or bee otherwise offensiue to the iudgment of the Whose name vvhen I vvas there, vvas Sir Spati­ous Mouth. maister of the cu­stome-house, it commeth not a shore by any meanes. The soyle beares no tree that beares no fruite: Ashes, Oakes, Willowes, & such fruitlesse fill-roomes, such saw I none, for none were there to be seene. But all the hedges (and so it is also in Drink-allia) were stuck thick with Hops: and surely in my conceit, the Shrop­shire & Wor­cestershire. westerne English and the Lumbards had this custome (at first) from the Drink-alls.

This territory of old, was (vnlesse their chronicles do mistake) vnder the gouer­ment of the Thriuingers (inhabitants of Onely Fooliana lyeth betvveene Tenter-belly and Thriuin­gois: for if men vvere not fooles they vvould follovv thrift and flie luxurie. Thriuingois (a nation lying a good way further into the maine land) for [Page 6] their Annales report, how in the dayes of old Saturne, the Thriuonian Princes bare sway ouer all this continent, and had their principall seate in that part now called Eat-allia, and that because the men of those times liued most part vp­on Garlick (called in Latine Allium) therefore was this region called Allia: but forreine inuasions ensuing, and those antient worthies being hereby chased from their places of soueraigntie, the conditions of the people grew to a great alteration, & to proportionate the name of the country to the natures of the in­habitants, they added Eate vnto the an­cient name, Allia, & so from that change, it beareth the name of Eat-allia vnto this present.

Dressembourg, the first Canton of Eat-allia. CHAP. 3.

DRessembourg, For meate must first be dressed and then eate. is the first part of this great land of Eat-allia, & fittest [Page 7] for vs to begin with in our intended discouery. This Canton (were it not for a greater instinct of naturall inclination) is in too hotte a climate for any true Eatall to inhabit: for the vttermost cor­ner of it, (which some Geographers name the South cape,) lieth vnder the same la­titude with the most Southerne point of Castile, and is about two and fortie degrees distant from the Aequinoctiall. The inhabitants be of a swartie tawnie, and most of them haue their skins all riuelled and withred, and for their con­ditions, they affect deliciousnesse rather then excesse. Vpon the foresayd point of this Canton which wee named the Swarty cape, (as the whole countrie is wondrously ouer-clowded with smoke, partly because the soile is very Fennish, and partly because of the neerenesse of Terra del fuego, the land of Fire, which lieth as all the discouerers thereof doe with one voyce affirme, immediatly vp­on the right hand thereof) standeth the citty Kitchin, the buildings of which towne are generally very lofty, and yet [Page 8] as generally smoakie and euill sented: I imagine that Cochin in the East Indies, was a colony sent at first from this citie. In the midst of this cittie standeth a goodly temple, dedicated to Of him here-after. chap. 11. God All-Panch, a vaste and spacious building, wherein there are a thousand altars, bur­ning with continuall Incence (excepting from Shrouetide vnto Easter-euen) vnto the foresaid Deitie. In the midst of this temple is a tower erected, of incredible altitude, no worke made with mans hand euer came neere it, the Pyramides of Memphis are but mole-hils to it: the inhabitants called it Chymney-turret, and from the height thereof the whole region round about it haue the vsuall signall of warte giuen them; for where­as wee vse to giue notice of such en­suing dangers by fyring a tarre-barrell on the toppe of a beacon, they on the contrary side haue their informa­tion from the ceasing of the smoake, for when-so-euer that eternall fume ceaseth to ascend in caliginous clouds, it is a sure warning that the foe ap­proacheth: [Page 9] and this inuasion is most cōmonly attempted by the inhabitants of the Starueling Iles, (otherwise called Hunger-landers,) for these are the most formidable enemies that the Eat-alls haue, or can be annoied by.

Neare vnto the sayd City Kitchin, are certaine villages that are all within the liberties thereof: and first, there is Cole-house, a large towne truely, and all con­sisting (a strange forme of building) of caues vnder the ground: then is there Ashe-ton, and that stands vpon the toppe of Cole-house, on a most droughty and barren soile. Tonges-worth, another little village and this Ashe-ton, are both in one parish, and so is Fyer-pan and Othervvise called vvar­ming-pan. Ayre-bumme, two goodly sweet farmes: On the left hand you haue three others, Three villages vvhere spits, kettles and spounes vvere first in­uented. Spit-stead, Kettle-drop, and Spoones-by, all pretty townes, and maruellous well peopled. Kettle-drop hath a faire riuer passeth through it, called In English Moisture. Ture-mois, which (they say) boyleth euery 24. houres, not much vnlike the fountaine of the In Darby­shire. Peake, in England.

Banquet-ois, the second Canton of Eat-allia. CHAP. 4.

PAssing out of Dressembourg, the next Canton yee enter is the very garden of all Eat-allia, it is called Banquetois, and is as it were a continuall forrest of nothing but Dates, Almonds, Figges, O­liues, Pomegranates, Cytrons, and Nut­megs: and the riuer of Oylebrooke hath his course through the heart of all this goodly territory. The Citty of March-paine is the chiefe towne of note in this Canton, beeing built after a stately man­ner with turrets, and obeliskes all guilt ouer, but indeede it is but of a slender kinde of fortification, and lieth verie o­pen to the enemies cannon, a little aboue this City are certaine mines, called the Sugar-hills, whence they digge a certain oare in collour whitish, in touch hard, & in tast sweete, a substance Galen knew it not. vnknown of old, & since hauing bin counterfetted by arte, and drawne by Alchymy Plin. lib. 12 chap. 8. out [Page 11] of the Arabian and Indian Reedes. This City hath very few inhabitants of any yeares that haue any teeth left: but all, from 18. to the graue are the naturall heires of stinking breaths. Next vnto this, lieth another little corporation cal­led Drugges-burge, and here they haue a law, that none must bee made free of the City but Apothecaries, Grocers and Boxe-makers. The Shee-landresses vse much traffique vnto this place, but more vnto Letcheri-tania, where they vse to make exchange by bartering christaline glasses, for vnguents and Pomanders. Now for these Drugges-burgers, the very heauens seeme to conspire with the pla­ces fitnes, to increase their trading: for at certaine times of the yeare, you shall haue the whole countrie couered quite ouer with Aromaticall trochisches, comfits and confections, that fall from the aire in as great aboundance That is al­waies in the Greeke Cal­ends. neuer but then. (at those times when they do fal) as euer fel showre of Haile: Now I hold this to be nothing really, but that same hony-dew which we shall finde now and then vpon [Page 12] the leaues of the Oke in a kindly spring: the onely difference is in the solidity, for where as ours falleth in small dewy droppes, theirs is congealed by the cold of the ayres midle region, and so falleth in round balls, that rebound in their fall through this their accidētall induration.

Pewter-platteria, the third Canton of Eat-allia. CHAP. 5.

AS wee passed vnder the 55. degree beyond the line, wee entred into a spacious plaine, the inhabitants named it Pewter-platteria, and wee for breuity sake, entred it in our mappe vnder the name of Platters-plaine: it lieth in the very heart of Eat-allia, and the first City that we met within this tract was Built in the same fash­ion that Cam­balu is, if you were euer there. Vic­tullu, through the midst of which there passeth a riuer called From this riuer only the Eat-alls haue all their water wherewith they do dresse their meate. Sauce, whose wa­ter is some-what tart in the taste. In the market place of this town we beheld a tombe, which as far as I could guesse by [Page 13] the weather-worne inscription, contei­ned the bones of the Romane Apicius. Volaterr. It was no rare peece of worke but it was of a most ancient model, Autropol. l. 13. and the tombe­stone was cut in forme of a Sea-crab. And surely (let Seneca say what hee please) it might very well be that this fa­mous Gurmōd hauing bestowed a great deale of lost labour in seeking bigger Crabbes on the African shores then the French afforded, turned his course vnto this country, (or els was forced hither by tempest) and so here layd his bones, vp­on some deadly surfet. Let the Colledge of Critiques be iudge.

I do here purposely omit the fruitfull plaines of Goblet the great, and Fat-land Forrest: togither with the goodly citty Like vnto Cartaegena in Spaine, but far better seated. Sausagiena: oh there's a towne rarely seated, onely it stands a little too neere the salt-water: I ouer passe that stinking Two ports where our Hollan­ders haue much traf­fique. Cheese-mongeria also, and Two ports where our Hollan­ders haue much traf­fique. Butterkin the fennie, the last towne of all Eat-allia, and situate vpon the very borders of Quaffonia, these I passe ouer slightly, onely because I would faine bee at the [Page 14] metropolitane City of the whole regi­on, for that very place alone, in struc­ture of houses, manners of inhabitants, and formality of discipline, is worth all the rest to one that wayeth it well.

The Metropolitane City of Eat-allia: The peoples conditions. CHAP. 6.

HEreabouts are but few villages, no more then in other places of the land, so that one may easily discerne that the And rea­son good the land is called Eat-allia. Cities haue eaten vp all the bo­roughs. Neither are their Citties so a­boundant in nūber as they are in ritches and inhabitants, but of them all, the prime and mother Cittie is that fa­mous Flesh-pasty-nople.

Their old records doe report, that in former ages there were two ritch and potent Citties, Fleshton, and Py-nople, betweene whome (as is vsu­all amongst great men, and great pla­ces, in so much that the Cambridge and Oxford. two best [Page 15] vniuersities of the worlde, both of them my mothers, and one of them my nurse also, and both sisters, yet can scarely for-beare this froward contention) there was long and ve­hement altercation about the soue­raignity.

Py-nople stood vpon hie antiquitie: and assuredly in old Saturnes time, the world afforded not hir parallell. But Flesh-ton counterpoised the others con­tinuance, with hir owne glorie, plea­sant situation and powerfulnesse: well, a Parliament was called, and finally, the whole house with one consent gaue the supremacy vnto Flesh-ton. Such is the vilenesse of this depriued age, that though it bee gray headed with decay, yet wil it prefer proud and vnripe (or ra­ther to soone ripe nouelty) an hundred degrees before pure simple antiquity. This was Py-nople the plaine: but Oyster pynople, and Potato-py-nople are Cities in Let­cheritania, that flourish vntill this day: bee­ing both founded by Hercules, vp­on his copu­lation with 50. women vpon one night. Georg Cap. currant. de punct. Are­tinens. lib. 27. Py-nople being thus disgraced, decay­ed to nothing, it is at this daie almost impossible to know where it stood that was whilome a goodly Cittie neuer had Spencer in his ruines of time. Poets, Saint Albones [Page 16] iuster cause to accuse the malice of man and of time, then this poore ruined pile hath to condemne it. Now grew Flesh­ton into more and more lustre, and both to adde a magnificence to the name, as also to past the foile of Py-nople vpon the fore-head of all posterity, it left the last syllable of the old name, and assumed the two last of Py-nople for it, ioyning them, togither with the cement wherof the ancient walls were made (called in their language, Payste) and so was thence-forth called Flesh-pasti-nople. Touching the forme of it, it is rather vast in compasse then comely in buil­dings: and hath a ditch (or rather a riue­ret) of spring water running almost through euery streete, in which water, you shall see a thousand seuerall impay­led Fish-ponds, wherein also they keepe Swannes; Duckes, Diue-dappers, He­rons, Teales, and all water foules what­soeuer, (as they do now at Auspurg, vp­on instruction from hence) and this cur­rent is called If a pasty haue no grauy in it, it is not worth a doite [...] ▪ Grauy-ditch. It is dou­ble walled about, with the bones that [Page 17] remained of their carniuall reuellings, and these bones were most artificially disposed each in his due place, the great bones standing vnderneath as pillers to the whole worke; the mid-most were next in order aboue them, and the smal­lest were ranked in the highest place, and all very well fastned togither with mor­ter made of the whites of egges; in good sadnesse most artificially, and with full iudgement. Their houses with-in, were neither too stately nor too lofty, they needed no Strabo. Geog. lib. 5▪ Augustus to forbid the building aboue 70. foote high, nor a­ny Satyra. 3. Iuuenal, or Contro. lib. 3. Seneca to complaine of their stories vpon stories. No (faith) they kept a very good course for that.

They loue no ascents by staires vp to their dores, for two causes; partly be­cause it is toilesome to climbe vp them when their bellies are bum-basted, and partly because it is dangerous to come downe them when their braines are throughly moistned, (as they must bee most commonly vpon a great forfeiture): Insteed of lead, tile, & states, their houses [Page 18] are all rooft with beasts shoulder-bones, very cunningly knit together I assure yea: Their City consisteth not of any saue such as haue one dependance or o­ther vpon the good fellowes rack and manager. The husbandmen, Carpenters Millers and Butchers haue each their habitations assigned thē in the suburbes: who notwithstanding if they can bring their bellies vnto a certain set size, are presently carried to Gurmonds hall, and there made free of the Wide-throates, or Large-weasands: but no stranger can haue his freedome at first, vnlesse he be either a Cooke, a Baker, or an Inkeeper: the citty is gouerned by a set number of gratie Senators, peculiarly enstiled Alder-guts, who are not elected (as our European Bur­gomaisters are) for their wisdome, their wealth, or their horse-taile beards, but by the circumference of their naturall tan­kards (their paūches) which at a sollemn set feast are euery yeare measured once: and the more that each mans rotundity of corpulence is found to bee enlarged; vnto the higher place is hee presently [Page 19] [...]: so that I haue seene some come sneaking out of the fagge end of the suburbes, who had held their A diminu­tiue of shops you shall find the word in Antony Mundaies discourse of [...]he ref [...]rmation of Redfaces. Shappikino [...]e in the verges of the Cities Bodex; food knowes how many win­ters, iustle notwithstanding at length, into and honorable place in the Citty, and at lasticome to be a principal Syre of this famous Common-weale. But now [...] all heare or [...] her sicknesse, (as it often falleth out) or age, doe chance to make these Alder-guts cast their Colloppes afterward, they are im­mediate put off the Bench and loose both greace, and grace [...] one clap: this is hard now but it [...] as hard as it is I can [...] that. The [...] (which) ad­mired in a City otherwise so regardlesse of curiosity) are al paued with faire large marble stones: because (as I imagine) o­thewise the inequality of pebbles lay thē neuer so euen, would haue bin a tro­ble to the Gourmonds & other citizens in making them lift their feete too high, whereas [...] they are both eased of that encombranced, and their Coaches haue [Page 20] lesse occasion to shake their distended Guts: for they neuer go abroad on foot, nor on hors-back, nor in Litters, but are caried about the streetes in great foure-wheeled Coatches, that they may haue the quieter means to sit and spaule when they are caried home from Wheeleing-in. The Geometricall proportion of the city is Circular, and hath foure gates at which there doe sit daily (course by course) 4 Alderguts selected, and proper­ly instiled of that office Superuisors of the Paunshery: and these are (like the Guales guard in a town of garrison) to examine al Ingredients, and Egredients: the fatter, to see that they go not out fasting (which their long and graue experience in the extension and contraction of gutts makes them able most exactly to disco­uer, and where they finde the person de­fectiue, his Mulct is to eate two suppers) and the first, to see that they come not in emptie-handed: for not to go out ful­bellied and not to come in ful-handed, is an heinous contempt of the citties right health-ful gouernment. Euery month, [Page 21] they are bound by their law, (and would bee so were there no such law) to cele­brate a sollemne feast, where euery Al­dergut of the whole society must prefent himself, all excuses and delaies set apart what soeuer, to consult (after dinner, for before it is vnlawful for any one to giue his voice) about the publique good. The place where they meet is Gourmonds hall: Euery one knoweth his seate, & hath his Iourdan or chamber-pot standing by him in a little coffer made for the purpose. Wel being met, & hauing turned their wine into water, and their oysters into shells, euery one takes his chaire and to dinner they go. Their daintiest dishes, are euermore the first sacrifices vnto their stomakes, for they hold it fit that the best meat meeteth fittest with the best appetite. Now they may not in any case haue their Boares, Sheepe, Goates, lambs &c. serued vp in parcels & ioynts, as we of Europe vse, but they must haue all whole (the old Romanes taught them that) you shal see the waiters come swea­ting with an whole Hogge, or an whole [Page 22] Calfe vpon a great pewter Engine, you would blesse yee to behold it. Hee that riseth before six houres bee fully ruine, runs his head vnder a rigorous fine and al this while they eate & drinke by little and little only (for that cause that made In Ethic. his name was Philoxenus. Aristotles Parasite with himselfe the necke of a crane) to take the more de­light in the delicacies. But for the break­ing vp of the feast, they haue this order. They haue a dore in their hall, large e­nough [...] the greatest Gut-monger that liues, and take him fasting. At this dore, the Alder-guts enter when they come to the feast, which beeing ended, he that offers to passe the same way hee came, and cannot get his belly through, is let forth another waie: but hee that passeth as easily as he came in, is staid by an officer appointed for that purpose, called The Serieant of the Mawe, and brought back againe (will hee nill hee) where hee must settle him to a renewed Rouse, vntill his belly bee able to kisse both the cheekes of the dore at once, and then he is dismissed. (I cannot bee [Page 23] fully perswaded but the creeping through Which was whilom to be seene in Beuer castle. Saint Wilfrids needle was a deuise brought by some ancient Pilgrim from this more ancient Alder-guts cus­tome). The towns-men of this place haue the hugest gardens of the world, but they are all out of order, nothing like the gardens of Adonis, Alcinous, no nor Where Lipsius pretendeth that Langius and he had that discourse De Constantia. Langius-his neither, no sir, come not thether to looke for your arbours, your alleies, or your conceited flowry knots, mary if you looke for your radish, your garlike, your cabbidge, your muske-me­lon, or so, they are for you: Italy her selfe had most of her more delicate rootes from hence: an hundred Carthusians might haue a Christmas dinner from hence at an houres warning.

Martiall E­pig. lib. 3. chap. 47.
The goodly Colewort there you soone should finde,
The Lettuce, and the Onions double kinde:
And Beetes, for him that would be loose behinde.

Nay marke but whether these men haue a care of the Citties credite. They haue a common hospitall (and that, I [Page 24] may tel you, a large one) wherein al such as haue got the dropsie, the goute, the cough of the lungs, or any such malady by too much gour-mandizing, are main­tained of the publike charge. But al such as haue lost their teeth by age, or by eat­ing their broth too hot, are forth with prouided for very conueniently & sent away Iles in the Atlantike sea like our Ora­des, where they that haue the fewest teeth are held in highest re­spect, and hee that hath none, is made a Clarissimo of Suppington, the chiefe cit­ty of the whole terito­rie. into Spone-meat Ilands: there are many belonging to this city that liue in forme of slaues, and those are appointed to till the fields, and sow the gardens. E­uery ritch Gurmond keepes diuers of these labourers, who notwithstanding when the guts are at sufficient growth, haue their freedome giuen them gratis. If any of the nobility chance to die of a surfet (as there doth assuredly, more, then of a­ny other death) his Statue is presently forged of most select & delicate dishes, and so he is laid forth for his slaues and His hang bits. his p [...]ndentes per, to tire vpon: nor is it lawfull for them to bee so idle as to refuse immeditate execution of this ho­norable ordinance.

The, whole sort of al these citizens are [Page 25] generally of an vnmeasurable grose­nesse (and seemed to mee when I sawe them walke iust like so many tunnes, mo­uing each vpon two pottle pots): nor is that man worthy of any (the meanest) saluation in the world, that is not Like him whose Epi­taph this was: Here lyes sir Iohn of Red­crosse streete: he was beard to th' belly, and belly toth' fecie. all cheekes to the belly, and all belly to the knees: and such shapes doe the women of this cittie walke in also: (The Ger­maine Frowes doe prittily well in imita­tion of these Fusty-lugs, but the Barbari­ans come very neere them). The yong women may not mary till such time as before a bench of Matrons, they make a publicke demonstration to their hus­bands that shall bee, that their dugges and chinnes may meete without any forcing of either. They go for the most part all naked, onely their Alder-guts may weare gownes; mary those must be onely the skinnes of such beasts as they are able to deuoure alone at one sitting. Yet there is no free-man of the towne but weares a large knife, and a spoone as big as a ladle bound to his right arme. Before; vpon the breasts, each one wea­reth [Page 26] a poke of hayre-cloth to saue the gobbets that chance to fall besides, and to wipe their mouths with-all, but those they vse so long in this greasie imploy­ment, that whether their shining exceed their blacknesse, or their blacknesse their shining he had need be well sighted that should iudge. They are naturally dull of wit, and slow of apprehension, and yet notwithstanding most perfect in all the arts they respect. Their schooles haue no lectures read in them, but onely For some such bookes he wrote, witnesse Suidas. Apicius his Institutions of the Arte of Muncherie: & there are all the yong fry taught the Sciences of Caruing, chew­ing and swallowing, oh most profoun­dly: the Muncherie lecturer (when I was there) was one Doctor Full-Gorge, a man most rare in his profession, and insteed of his Grammar, hee read the first section of the foresaid Institutiō of Apicius. Their library is a large roome, rancked full of potts and kannes of all sorts, euery sorte being enseamed in their seuerall classes: so the schollers haue also, each one his full pott and his laden plat [...]er, [Page 27] We haue some Vniuer side men that are too well read in these authors, yet verily, some study them so sore that they bring them­selues of on their legs by it, saith Pa­nurg. in his Le Tric-trac clericorum. for his booke: the freshmen haue les­ser measures, the sophisters larger, and so vp to the Graduates. The first per­haps hath his pinte & his pullet, the next his quart & his Goose, the third his pot­ [...] and his fat Lambe, or his gammon of Baton, and so vpwards: nor may any leaue his taske, or haue leaue to play till he haue made an end of what was enioy­ned him. If any one stay seauen yeares in these schooles, and benefit nothing, he is forth-with banished for euer into the Starueling Iles, to Hunger-land is he sent away immediatly, to deale vpon Spa­nish dinners, furnished with halfe pilt­chers. Thether also they thrust all Phisi­tions and prescribers of diers: if any of thē be ill at ease (let Asclepiades swagger & hang if he list) he presently eates a raw radish, drinkes a little hott water, spewes a while, & within a quarter of an houre, Viah, he lets flie vpon Aiax, & rises from his roast as sound as a bell. Now all the what you wil, that the voids at either end during this purging time, is immediat­ly confiscate vnto the Dukes treasurie [Page 28] and Not strained through a colander you must thinke, but seazed vp­on by those inquisitors. strained vpon in such a case, by certaine surueyors, especially appointed for such commodities.

They loue venison dearely well, yet can they not tell how to catch it: onely such Deere as comes willingly amongst them, those they entangle in netts and soyles and so take them. But the noble Swine, oh they prize that beast aboue all that euer nature produced; but whe­ther it be because of their sympathy of natures, being both fatally consecrated to the table, or by reason that the swine will feede on the coursest meate and yet be soonest fedde, this I leaue to a more iudicious Censor to determine. What man is he now would thinke, that in this inundation of profusenesse their should be any dry hillock left for Parsimony to in­habit? yet (sooth) there is many haue an vnfit dwelling among such Gulp-thrifts: Certainly I haue obserued an exceeding care they haue in the reseruing of the smallest bit-bone, and fragment that re­maines after their banquetings; where­vpon they neither keepe dogge, catte, [Page 29] hawke, nor any creature whatsoeuer that will eate flesh: Nay which is more, in the fatting of their Pidgeons, and Ca­pons, they will take them and make them vn-gorge the corne that they haue already halfe disgested, and giue it for meate vnto the others. The Venetians haue learnt this pretty trick of them al­ready, and So can our Poulters here in Lon­don, yea and worse, as some report, the deuill con them thanke for it. can doe it very neatly. Now as for the men themselues, if any one keepe any victuals by him vntill they stinke, hee is forth-with condemned of high treason, and spitted vpon a stake. Onely two reseruations this lawe agree­eth vnto, the first is, they may keepe their. Venison vntill it bee all hoarie, and mouldie quite ouer, and the second is, they may lay vp (foh, nasty!) their cheese where they thinke good, so long, vntill it be ready to creepe quite away with Maggots, and then they take these wormes (the very putrification of a most putride meate) and scraping a little su­gar on them, crash them vppe with spoones as if they were Almond-com­fites. Out vpon them; I wonder our Low [Page 30] Dutch would be such logger-heads as to follow them in this filthy fashion.

This region aboundeth with riuers, whose course is (most of them) vncer­taine, because of the aboundance of or­dure that stops them, some-times heere, and sometimes there, but generally (take this for an infallible rule) At Christ­mas and at Shrouetide all the [...]akes­f [...]rmers termes at the be­ginning of Ianuary, and the ending, or about the ending of February, they are sure all of them to ouer-slow the bankes, and (if the breatches bee not stop in time) to do much harme in the pastures adioyning.

The warres of the Eat-allians. CHAP. 7.

THe Eat-allians haue vnreconcileable warres with Gluttony is a deadly enemy both to hunger and good hus­bandry. two other nations, the Hunger-landers of the Starueling Iland, and the Thriuingers of Thriuingois: the first, inhabite certaine westerne Iles in the Atlantike sea, not farre from Eat­allia: but the later lie somewhat further of it, by reason of a great part of the ter­torie of Fooliana, and some parcell also [Page 31] of For an whore wil euer stand between thrift and thee. Shee-landt, that puts in betweene them: their historicall monuments relate that the Plienger-landers being confede­rate with the Theeuing-arians, haue made many terrible inuasions vp on the Eat-allians borders: and one time gaue them a sore foyle, insomuch that the poore in­habitants were faine to hide themselues in hores and causes vnder ground: vntill at last their gods guardions pitied them, and made their foes owne chappes their full destruction; for they did so ingorge them selues after this sudden change, that growing hereby all disea­sed, there was not a man left of them in three yeares, if you would haue giuen a Spanish reall for a man: not a man to cast at a dog. The Thriuingers also, the anci­ent inhabitauts of this land, haue made many attempts to regaine their lost possession, but (as fortune lightly lea­ [...]eth to the wrong side) haue beene continually beaten backe by the Eat­all an [...] good successe. They march vn­to battell, armed onely before, for what-neede any fence behinde, se [...]ing [Page 32] they cannot turne them-selues to runne away?) with Oxe-hides, sheepe-skins, & swines pelts,that you would imagine, seeing them goe to warre, that it were a heard of cattle that were a driuing to the watring place: their weapons com­monly are spits, and fire-forkes, mary some of them haue, gunnes, and crosse­bowes made of the bones of the largest oxen they kill: But the very truth is (I may tell it here to you in priuate, but 'tis a rare point of pollicie.) The Drink-allians giue them their best assistance, for had not they beene, the Eat-allians had beene downe the winde long ere this: and there is And so it is: for giue one his liquor soundly first, and then set him on to sight, and he will rush vpon dangers, the very thought whereof were inough to kil him, were hee sober. the maine of all the matter.

Of Idle-bergh, an Imperiall free towne. CHAP. 8.

BVt I haue some-what to say of Idlenesse hath a great sway among Gluttons. Idle-bergh, though I haue said no­thing of it yet; it may not passe mee so [Page 33] being so famous and free a state as it is. It hath a large territorie vnder com­mand, & is situate in y e farthest confines of Pewter-Platteria, towards Fooliana. There is not a towne either of more an­tiquity, or worthy more admiration in all Eat-allia then this is: The Citizens liue in farre more happy estate then euer Monke did: for they haue all things they can desire, in aboundance. For first the towne is so strongly situate, that it is vt­terly impregnable, and may iustly mock at all the enemies enterprises, being built vpon a rock 'Tis no lesse, beleeue it: if you will not, go and see your selfe, and trust your owne eyes. But we haue Englishmen enow that haue beene in Idle-bergh, and can auouch this to be true. O Anglia quam segnis, quàm insignis? Bucer. ten Germaine miles in height, and withall so steepe, that it is vt­terly inaccessible: At the foote of this cliffe runs the riuer of Idle, whereof the towne taketh her name: runs said I? nay it seemes rather to creepe: being more like a lake then a riuer. There is but one way vp to the towne, and that is not by mounting the rock by degrees, and win­dings, as wee see in other forts of this si­tuation, but the townes-men let downe a roape and a basket, like the bucket of a Well, and so hale vp the passengers. [Page 34] They liue all vpon certaine birds natu­rally bred amongst them, I neuer saw any of them else-where, the inhabitants call them We haue store of them here in Eng­land, & most of your beds in court are stuffed with their fethers. I haue seene many of them together fly­ing in com­panies from one tauerne figne to ano­ther, for the space of an whole mo­neth together Gulls, and they are not much vnlike to our bald Cootes. They serue the cities vse with three sorts of meates, flesh, egges, and fish; flesh, from their owne carcasses, egges from their nests, where they lay them in great aboundance, and fish which they bring for the feeding of their young ones, in huge excesse: and besides, the sticks of their nests finde the citizens perpetuall firing. What, would yee more? and more yee shall haue. Their fethers serue the citizens for stopping of their beds, yea and some to spare also, for transportati­on. The grounds within the walls bring forth both whole vintages of delicate grapes, and whole haruests of the purest wheate. Nor is there any other thing whatsoeuer that the Idle-berghers e­steeme, but they enioy it within them­selues. The people do liue an vncurious life, and in Apuleius his sence (who cal­led a fatte Lambe, an vncurious one) [Page 35] selues are truly vncurious. Dauies in Fuscnm Epig. 39. They sup, they sleepe, they rise, they dine, and they sup, and so round in a ring, (vnlesse a lit­tle whoring now and then chance to adde one dance more to y e round.) They haue a lawe (and that I thinke they had from the The most luxurious na­tion that euer was. Sybarites) that barreth all Eunuches, and all Artificers from dwel­ling amongst them. Their swine serue for their plow-men (as they did whilom in Aegipt) they vse no other husban­drie: yet the ritcher sort haue atten­dants: one to open the maisters eyes gently when hee awaketh: another to fanne a coole ayre whilest hee eateth, a third to put in his viands when hee ga­peth, a fourth to fit his girdle to his belly, as it riseth and falleth, the maister onely excerciseth but eating, disgesting, and laying out.

There are diuerse other cities that hold of this Idle-bergh in capite, & vnder pro­tection of her, enioy the same priuiled­ges with her, namely The two twins of Idle­nesse. Sleepe-on, and Snort-apace: yet here the citizens are sel­dome or neuer awake, but (as lib. 8. cap. 36 Pliny [Page 36] writeth of the Beares) do generally lye so soundly a iouking, that a man may wound them ere hee awake them: and it is strange to see how fatte they grow by this drowsie lethargie.

The Lawes of the Land. CHAP. 9.

GOurmonds hall is a very faire, large house, statefully set forth with ar­ched bay windowes, and vpon the front of the entrance are these words fairely engrauen in letters of gold, TO, RE­VELL, AND TO, METHODE. And vnder it were these verses engra­uen. Frolick fatnesse here doth dvvell: Keepe leanesse out and all goes well. And within, there hung a table chai­ned to a Marble piller, conteining these sacred and inuiolable lawes.

BE IT ENACTED.

  • 1. THat eating but one meale a day, bee hence-forth held for a capitall trans­gression.
  • 2. That he that ouer-throwes a full dish [Page 37] or a cup rashly, or howsoeuer, be forthwith by vertue of this statute enioyned to stand vp­right on his feete, and hauing a dish of broth set betweene his heeles, to eate it all vp with a thimble.
  • 3. That none eate alone, nor violate the lawes of the table by any priuate suppers: but that euery Citizen do eate either in the streetes or in an open window, vpon paine of eating his next meale with his heeles vp­ward.
  • 4. That whosoeuer forbeareth to sleepe or eate foure houres together, do satisfie the state by eating two suppers.
  • 5. Yet if the mouth bee full, it shall bee sufficient to giue an answer by holding vp the finger.
  • 6. That conspiratours bee forth-with starued to death, and other malefactors pu­nished by the losse of a tooth.
  • 7. That all Cookes that dresse not their meate according to the iudicious palate, be immediatly bound vnto stakes, & flesh halfe roasted hung by them, vntill some pittifull and hungry spectator take compassion on them, and eate it all vp.
  • [Page 38] 8. That to belch bee held not onely law­full,
    Sueton. in Claud.
    but honorable also: and that the gouer­ment of the next future feast bee assigned vnto him that broke winde the strongliest at the last.
  • 9. That
    The reason of this law is to bee read in the next chapter.
    if any one hold his breath whilest his belly is a measuring, he be forth­with made vncapable of all aduancement, and condemned to fast one whole day in a grate, where he may behold the rest of the Alder-guts at dinner and supper.
  • 10. That euery mans weekly maungery be brought in a billa vera by his fellow Gur­mond vnto the Register to be recorded, and withall that if he haue not fulfilled the lawe in that case enacted, hee may be accordingly fined.
Signed All-Paunch.

Those that are the least offenders, are put for foure and twenty houres into the Temple of Famine, a prison directly con­trary vnto our Beth-lehem in Hebrew, is the house of bread in English Bedlem. It stands with­out the Cittie as Aesculaps temple stood [Page 39] without Rome: but not for healths sake (as Plutarch saith how that did) but onely least such as are condemned vnto that gaole should so much as once sent the ayre of the Kitchin. The walls of it are all painted about with all manner of good victualls, onely to excite the pri­soners appetite vnto his greater plague, and verily one Iesuite or other hath seene these walles, and there-vpon deui­sed pictures for their Chambers of medi­tation. They vse no money: what haue wee to doe, say they, with these saplesse and vnsauory mettals? no, they follow that ancient custome that In Politic. Aristotle records, and barter goods for goods by way of exchange. Two sparrowes is the price of a stare, two stares for a black­bird, two black-birds for a hen, two hens for a goose, two geese for a lambe, two lambes for a calfe; two calfes for a goate, & two goates for a cow: and thus they do also in fish and rootes, at a set price: the towle-mens especiall care beeing this, that neither their stuffe be too bad, nor their price too great.

Their Religion. CHAP. 10.

THey cannot endure Iupiter, for he, when hee thunders, sowres all their wines, and ouer-wets their plants with vnseasonable showers. They haue a good deuotion vnto God Trine, because he ea­teth vp althings before him, and shewes himselfe herein a true Eat-all. They haue built a goodly temple vnto him, in which I saw the picture of Saturne eating vp his children, passing artificially portrayed. On Shroue-tuesday, they offer sacrifice vn­to the Genius of the place, whom they hold for their chiefe Deitie, and almost for their onely deity: Euery yeare once doth this power appeare vnto them in forme of a monstrous Fowle, most huge and most rauenous, (the inhabitants call him RVC) and accepts the offrings of his seruants, and they for their parts are not behinde hand with him, but present him with whole Hecatombes of raw-flesh, thus ordered.

[Page 41] In Pewter-platter-ia (of which you heard before) there is a large plaine, ly­ing towards the South, circled in with mountaines on each side. Vnto this plain do al the inhabitāts flock at a certain day appointed, bringing with them an ocean of victuals, Elephants, Rhinocerots, Ca­mells (all which they feed for this pur­pose, for other-wise they would neuer keepe such vnprofitable creatures) Ox­en of the largest size, Boares, Sheepe, Goates, togither with a whole army of Birds, all with the feathers pluckt off: all these they put as it were into this large cage; which being done, they get them vp on the mountaines sides, as if they tooke their seates in a play-house, and with bended knees doe there expect the comming of this great Deity, old Ruc of Rucs hall. At length sir, you shall see him come a farre off, with a noise, able to deafe the whole nation three hundred miles about, with a great crooked bill as bigge Almost, not fully so big: it wants some 359. degrees. 59. min. 60. se­conds. (almost) as halfe the Equi­noctiall circle, with a paire of tallants, like two broade spred Okes, with two [Page 42] eyes in his head like two townes that were on fire, and such an inundation of Harpies, Rauens, Vultures, and Haukes, about him,! O strange! stupendious sight, for man to see! with a cry, able to procure an earth-quake they approach the plaine, and by and by, their wings eclipse the Sunne, and bring a midnight ouer the whole valley, they are so huge a multitude.

Three times they flagge about the plaine, while the people powre out their very bladders in teares, and all that is in their bellies in hearty praiers vn­to this route of religious birdes. By this time, Generall RVC, the leader of this starued regiment hath spied his pray, for hee out of all that Folio Cata­logue of Carcasses, must choose what pleases his tooth first, supose hee take some fiue Elephants, or halfe a score oxen, he is to be first serued, and then e­uery one to his sharke, tagge and ragge there yee should see one fly away with a Calfe here another with a Lambe, ther [...] one with a Boare and here anothe [...] [Page 43] with a Swanne, euery one fitting his luggage to his strength, and thus with a reuerent and religious applause of all the lookers on, Into the forrests of Theuegen, whereof read the 4. booke. chap. 4. they depart euery one with his cariage, and leaues the rest behind them: all which (and that is an huge deale of meate) the people are bound in conscience to get ready and eate vp ere they goe, whereby their bel­lies are so ouer-stuffed, that they loath flesh almost forty daies after, during which space they liue all vpon fish (but that is costly drest with sirrups and sau­ces) and with the dainties of Banquet-ois: both to refresh themselues with the de­licacy thereof, as also to returne to flesh againe which the sharper appetite, ha­uing thus long forborne it. Sure as death the Pope had his Lent sent him out of this country, vpon the granting them some odde indulgence, or vpon dispen­sing with them for Ember weekes.

The Election of the Great Duke. CHAP. 11.

NOw wee come to the Great Dukes Place, and thether by good chance came I, the very same day that a new Duke was elected, according to the cus­tome of the country. There is a Stately Palace standeth vpon a narrow ledge of land lying iust betweene Eat-allia and Drink-allia, which also ioyneth them both together: This pallace was built (as their most ancient Chroniclers a­uouch) by a Giant called (in the sayd Chronicles) All-Paunch: who was of an incredible height of body; not like him whose picture the Schollers of Cambridge goe to see at Hogmagog hills: but rather like him that ought the two aple-teeth which were digged out of a Well in Cambridge that were little lesse then a mans head, (yet was not the tooth that was found on the shore of [Page 45] Vtina any way comparable to these) Plinyes Who was 7. cubites high. Plin lib. 7. chap. 16. Orestes, or Who was 16. cubites in height. Plutarches O­rion were but dwarfes in respect of this same great All-Paunch. Suppose ra­ther that you saw Antaeus that was three-score cubites heigh, or him whose carcasse being digged vp at Drepano, was, (as Boccace affirmeth the Symetrians to haue gathered by his thigh bone) two hundred cubites in length, this la­ter I thinke might bee brother to him wee speake off.

This All-Paunch was the first that conquered this countrie from the Thri­uingois, draue them all out of the land, brought in a new people, and gaue them new lawes: and his soule they imagine (as Pythagoras his opinion af­firmed) to bee entred into that huge bird RVC, in which shape (as I said) they do yearly adore him. The silly people haue this fellow in as great reuerence as the Turkes haue Mahomet. Hee ly­eth buried in the midst of the Palaces Base Court: Where for a sacred me­morial of him, there is a Statue erected, [Page 46] farre higher then Lisippus his brazen colossus, neare vnto which his tombe is, vpon which I discerned some markes of letters, but antiquity had so eaten them out, as Ouid saith.

Old time that razeth all and spareth none,
And age that eateth through the hardest stone

had so defaced the inscription, that I could scarcely make any good sence of it.

The fragments stood in this manner.

[Page]I ALL PANCH D [...]KE OF TENTERBELLY LY HERE A LORD A VICTOR A PRINCE A DEITY. LET NO­NE GOE BY ME FASTING NOR NAME ME HVNGRY. NOR SALVTE ME SOBER. BE MINE HEIRE HE THAT CAN. MY SVBIECT HEE THAT WILL MINE ENEMY HE THAT DARE. Farewell Bellies and be fatte. [Page 48] Now I imagine it should conteine these words; Iudge I pray the Gentle reader, and if thou canst restore the fragments to their true contents bet­ter then I haue done here, thou maist doe the Antiquaries much pleasure here­in: I thinke it is thus.

I ALL-PAVNCH, DVKE OF TENTER-BELLYE, LY HERE ENTOMBED. DYING A LORD, A VICTOR, A PRINCE, A DEITY. LET NONE GO BY ME FASTING, NOR NAME ME HVNGRY, NOR SALVTE MEE SOBER. BE MINE HEIRE HEE THAT CAN, MY SVBIECT HEE THAT WILL, MINE ENEMY HE THAT DARE. FARE-WEL BELLIES AND BE FATTE.

This tombe is to bee seene in the pallace of the Duke, who hath his regalitie according to this first Dukes [Page 49] institution, not by succession, but by e­lection, for there are foure chiefe lina­ges, or families in the land: The Tre­ble-chins, the Bacon-choppes, the Wool­sacks, and the Nimble-iawes: any one of these foure houses may stand for the Dukedome, and vpon desert obtaine it. This now is the order of the election: there is a yearely tilting ordained (not any tilting with speares, but a tilting of barrells) whervnto euery one comes ar­med with his teeth, all new sharpened, and to it they goe, where hee that vn­horseth most meate, and lifteth most measures of wine out of their pewter­saddles, is not onely honoured with a crowne of clustered vines, but further­more is made Lord high Steward of the Land, the Dukes next inferior: which done, and the tournament en­ded, each one ariseth (if hee can) and laying his hand on the sacred tombe of dead Duke All-Paunche, taketh an othe by the deities of Bacchus, Sa­turne; and the reuerend All-Paunch to performe his duety in this election [Page 50] without any partiall dealing whatso­euer.

Then they depart vnto the Theater which is prepared for that daies vse (not too high for feare of beeing tired ere they got vp staires) and there they take their places to behold this fu­ture election. Then first commeth forth the new chosen Lord high Ste­ward, and he bringeth in his hand a gol­den girdle, all enchased with Pearles, Diamonds, Rubies &c. and this they call The holie belt of State: and vpon it, I espied these words, set in perfect Ru­bies; NOTHING, IF NOT BE­YOND.

Now first, the last yeares Duke puts it on, and taketh the exact measure of his owne Souse-tub, and then al the rest of the Nobility doe so after him, and hee that can set it on the tenters (with­out stretching of his bellie, or hol­ding of his breath) so stiffe, that it neede bee letten out one hole more; Hee is the man that with great accla­mations is proclamed High Duke of [Page 51] Tenter-belly. And then presently com­meth his Cup-bearer, and vpon his knees presents him with a siluer tankard of some dozen quartes, and intreates his Grace to drinke a health vnto the people.

Hee takes it, and lifting vppe the Lidde, beginnes an oration to the people befitting occasion, or if hee bee no good oratour, yet hee giues them as kinde a congratulation as hee can.

Truely I was verie attentiue to it Yee know that the fettest Geese haue the smallest wind-pipes. but they doe all speake so in the throate, that I could neither like the sound nor learne the sence, vntill mine interpretour told mee how it was: and thus it was indeede.

After hee had yeelded thankes (quoth hee) to Bacchus, The God desse of all shambles and flesh-markets whatsoeuer. Carnea, and all those fauourable deities, e­speciallie to his owne Great Mawe, the giuer of such high honours, and had giuen gramercie to his eyes, that had beheld him the best man in all Tenter-bellie The hone­ster they, to stick so reuel to him. ere they fell [Page 52] out, hee turned his speach vnto the peo­ple, and in most excellent and Rhetori­call good tearmes, tooke a fresh oathe by Saint All- [...]aunche, The Dukes Oration to the people after his e­lection. that hee would be a Bulwarke to our liberties, a drudge to our businesses, a terrour to our ene­mies, a childe to our aduises; a follower of our counsells, a preseruer of our stu­dies, a father to our desires, an enlarger of our Weasands, and an increaser of our measures: finally, he would preserue vs as wee were now, and make vs as wee would bee. And then hee denoun­ced himselfe a professed foe to Hun­ger, Abstinence, Diet, Naughty Ale and Meagernesse of wine, beere, and bodie, and swore once more (to assure vs) that while hee bare that roiall belt, none should either fast vnpunished, or bee drunke vnrewarded.

Goe on my good subiects (quoth he) I adiure you by the sacred weight of your well distended wombes, goe on, bee yee all and alwaies free and fro­licke! O the royalty of reuells! O ho­norable helter skelters! Let neuer [Page 53] this goodlie formed Goblet of wine (quoth hee, and tooke vppe his pot of twelue quartes) goe Iouiallie through mee, (and then hee set it to his mouth, stole it off euery droppe saue a little re­mainder which hee was by custome to set vpon his thumbes naile and licke it off, as hee did, and then proceeded) vn­lesse I doe from the bottome of mine heart, will and wishe you continuallie dronken heads, full bellies, and fatte fortunes.

Then hauing made an end, the audience made all ring with their applause, they gaue it him so fully and so faithfully: Longe liue Bounsingut, Wool-sack, Cae­sar, Emperor of Tenter-belly, long liue he, long reigne hee, long grow hee; this they rattled yee vppe, at least a dozen times ouer.

Then were the armes of the Duke­dome giuen him, which was the Ram­pant Estridge, swallowing of an Iron horshooe: the word Disgest, and Do best. For his sword and scepter, the Lord High-Steward presented him with a [Page 54] great knife, and a pretty golden Tunne, and in deliuering them (according to custome) pronounced these words, Vse and enioye them. But then for the Co­ronation dinner and supper! Oh merci­full Heauens! what Castles of platters and chargers, what mountaines of flesh and banquetry, what deluges of Wine Ale and Vsquebath did I see there! I will neuer stand vpon perticulars: onely this I cannot ommit, the streetes that night were strowed so thicke with drunken carcasses that I thinke in con­science there was neuer more memories left in the field, of the greatest massacre that euer this moderne age was wit­nesse of.

There are diuers Cities besides in this dominion, as Swallow-all, Hogges-den, Tickle-Chere, and Lickingoa is a colony, sent from Goa in the East-Indies, saith Panta­gruel in his Merda Geo­graphica. lib. 7 chap. 39. Sect. 594. Lickingoa, but their formes of gouernment are peculiarlie declared in the description of Flesh-Pas­tinople, and so need no perticular rehears­all.

The Starueling Iland, or Hun­gerland. CHAP. 12.

BVt wee had quite forgotten the re­membrance of Starueling Iland, take it therefore with you now, as a pen­nance for your tedious abode in Eat-al­lia. It lieth vnder three and thirty de­grees of longitude, and foure and fifty of latitude, beeing on the North, directly opposite vnto Cabo Bianco, and on the South, vnto Filtching-Fennes. It is a stonie, swartie, barren, Grass-lesse, san­die soyle: there are some trees in it, but they haue neuer an inch of barke left, nor blossome, nor budde: nay the plentie of all places, the weede, can­not finde in his heart to make any (the smallest) residence in these quar­ters.

The Lands naturall barrennesse affordes no distinction either of Sum­mer or Winter, whether it bee because [Page 56] the inhabitants snappe vppe there herbes as soone as euer they peepe out of the Ground, or that it bee the effect of Ceres curse, (who sayling about the world to seeke her Daughter, made ship-wracke on the craggie shore of this Ile, and therevpon, they say, layde her malediction vpon it) it lies not in mee to resolue you.

There is none that dwells in this soile willinglie, but all the inhabitants are Exiles: and their hew is natural­lie betweene a pale and a swartie, their skinnes crumpled like halfe burnt partchment, and puckered like the hide of an Elephant: The Sunne did neuer see more meager creatures, you would sweare they were Anato­mies couered with fresh skinne, or els one of Athenodorus his apparitions, they looke so ghastly. You shall haue one laying a plotte how to intrappe the flies: another, contriuing a con­spiracie against the wormes; nay there bee they that sitte shauing of the Earthes (GOD knowes [Page 57] already neere shorne) beard, to discouer the rootes of the vngrowne grasse: nay they will lye in ambushes one for an­other (like so many Otherwise (although vn­properly) cal­led Cannibals. Bald-Cannyes in a dead vacation of butcherie) yet not­withstanding they haue a good excuse for this out of Aristotle, for you know that the greater number of strangers arriuing, the greater scarcity of Belly-timber must needs ensue. By this meanes no stranger escapes them vnlesse he bee either too strong for their assaults, or too leane for their stomacks.

They are (most of them) Black­smiths, notwithstanding that the Eate­alls banish all their Philosophers and Phi­sitians hither, and so doe the Spaniards all their slaues that haue serued out their time.

They haue a strange and fierce wilde Beast rangeth continually in the night all about the deserts of this Iland, and they giue it the name of We haue of these beasts here in Eng­land, Duke Humphrey keepes a ken­nell of them continually. An Emptie-Maw: It will keepe such a terrible bark­ing, that it makes the hollow ayre eccho againe: and he of this land that heareth [Page 58] it not barke once in twelue houres, growes deafe immediatly, but hee that heareth it thrice in six and thirty houres and giueth it nothing to deuoure ere twelue houres more be runne Prouided alwayes, that he can liue no longer. dieth presently, without all auoidance. Tou­ching other beasts, I saw none in all this whole Iland, but a sort of Wolues, and some A Munkey will eate the owne taile for hunger. Monkeyes that had eaten of a great part of their owne tailes. Not any else could I espie, Indeed I durst not make any long aboade in so leane a land, it was no wisdome, was it thinke yee?

Thus farre of Eat-allia, and the adiacent Iles; now come we to Drink-allia, and so good night.

Of Drink-allia, the second prouince of Tenter-belly. CHAP. 1.
The Conditions of the Inhabitants.

LEt none expect any exact descripti­on of Drink-allia in this place, for I [Page 59] durst not for mine eares offer to go into any Cittie of the whole Prouince, vntill it was darke night, that all the citizens were wrapt in wine and warme clothes, and then (you know) how was it possi­ble to discouer any thing? you may per­haps say, what should you feare? faith Ile tell yee: harke in your eare! I feared the Burgomaisters bountie: for their fashion is, as soone as any one settes foote in at the Cittie gate, to giue him, by my troth I wotte neere how many lifts of Wine for his welcome; oh they receiue him in pompe; and all of the common purse of the Cittie: now so many stoopes must hee pull of, or else hee is held an vngratefull, vnman­nerly fellow, and which is worse, a direct foe to the common good of the Cittie. Now I feared both this honour and this danger, and now I hope you are answered. To our pur­pose.

This Prouince is some-what larger then Eat-allia, and what that hath in wealth, this hath in intemperancie. It [Page 60] is as broad or rather broader then both the Germanies: nor is there any nation vnder the cope of heauen so fortunate, nor so aboundant in the delicate iuice of the grape, as this is. The peculiar wines of all our kingdomes of Europe, the Ger­maines Rhenish, the Frenchmans White and Claret, the Spaniards Xeres, Malaga, and the Canaries, tush, they haue them all here in excesse. The temperature of their bodies are somewhat different from the Eat-alls, for these delight in the qualities of heate and drought, whereas the Drink-alls especially affect heate and moisture: so that the bordering neigh­bours doe ieastingly call the Eat-alls, Blackmen, and Kitchin-Tenter-bellyes, but the Drink-alls they name Read-men, and Cellerian-Tenter-bellyes. But their bodies and their wittes hold both one key in dif­ference: for the Drink-alls as they are more ingenious then the Eat-alls, so are they much more lasciuious: In their young yeares they are generally very quick witted, but being come to a more grauer age (especally old age) they [Page 61] grow so forgetfull, that you shall not haue one amongst twenty that can re­member his owne name.

The Shires of the Countrie. CHAP. 2.

THe Inhabitants affirme the whole Prouince to bee diuided into three Counties: the countie of Wine-cester, the county of Vsque-bathe, and the coun­tie of Hoppe-Sack, or Strong-biera.

The first of these, Wine-shire, is parted from Eat-allia, vpon the westerne verge thereof by the riuer Piss-on, a salt cur­rent that ebbes and flowes. This riuer runnes round about the Dukes Palace, and as for the saltnesse, the Philosophers of this countrie say it hath it not from the sea, but from an ayrie humor that often-times falls vpon it. The first towne that I came vnto in this region, was cal­led Vine-spring, and was in forme of a fiue-angled trencher: it lay downe as farre as Vine-prophils, and so some of it [Page 62] became part of the suburbes of Cluster-beg, a pretty fine Cittie, walled about with stones of the colour of bricke, but some-what deeper of dye. This Cittie stands in the bottome of Pressing-dale, (a valley so called) through the which runnes a delicateriuer called Iuice, which passeth along by three or foure pretty citties, (seated vpon the bankes thereof, most iudiciously, and to the founders eternall commendations) their names as I remember were Tankards-bridge, that was the first, then Tunning-trie, then Broachingford, & lastly, Carousi-kanikin. Tunning-try I remember was fotified with a wall of wood, and Broaching-ford had neuer but one gate open at once, and that when it was shut, was made fast with nothing but the end of a faggot­stick. There is not in all the world any one riuer comparable to this that runs through these cities; Donaw, Thames, Volga, Seyne, or Sir Walter Rawleys riuer of Guiana, put them all in, they are but ken­nells to this: for besides the pleasing Meanders that hee makes in his wanton [Page 63] course, the water is so sweete and deli­cate, that neither the best Europes wine, nor the Turkes delicious A drinke made of ho­ney and water. Zerbeth can possibly goe beyond it. This worthy sonne of the Ocean, hath one peculiar fish belongeth vnto it, called a Tappe, and this fish will some-times lye by the shore, and spoute a huge deale of the water aloft, (mary the remaining of it in his belly hath made it some-what more pleasing to the taste then it was before) and this the inhabitants watch for in boates, and when they get it, make great store of it. This riuer (as I told you) passeth through Tuning-try: masse I had fotgotten one towne, it goeth from thence to Celleridge, ere it come to Broaching-ford, and so by Broaching-ford passeth directly vnto Carousi-kannikin, the prime Cittie of the whole Prouince.

The description of Carousi-kanikin, chiefe City of Drinke-allia, as also of the fashions and conditions of the Drink-alls. CHAP. 3.

CArousi-kanikin, is a name that I vn­derstand not, further then that I haue a little light of it from the Germaine tongue, but as for the citie, it is built vp­on an hill, and carieth the forme of a Tankard, from what quarter soeuer you behold it. It is of ancient renowne, and one of the best seated ports for traf­fique in all the whole land. On the East part it is strongly fortified with Barrica­does, and Bulwarkes built all of Barrels, and the roofes of the houses are most of one and the same manner, tiled with the boords of broken Caskes. In the entrance of the gate, from morning vn­till night there is placed a double canon of Pewter, (for their lawe commandeth this to bee duly obserued) the citizens [Page 65] call it the Flaggon of Hospitalitie, and round about it, are these words engra­uen, [...], such an inscription is vpon the Dolphin in Cambridge. Aut bibe, aut abi: Drinke or bee gone. Hee that ariueth, must either lift it all of, or else he is caried before the Ma­gistrate, to render accompt of his con­tumacie. The armes of the Citie are ad­uanced ouer the Gate, and they are the three horse-leaches vpon three naked feete, in a bloudy field; the word, Plaenae, quiescimus. Being full, we rest. Here by a fortunate chance, did I meete with ano­ther stranger, a Letcheri-tanian borne, who was bound for the Citie as well as I, his name he told me was An Italian word expressing the noise that the wine maketh in running from the tap. Cinciglion. He (being acquainted with their fashions) brought mee secretly by night into the towne, and shewed mee such things as I should neuer haue discouered of my selfe. Their buildings are not much vn­like the Eat-alls, but that the fronts of their houses are so wholy hidde with spreading Vines, that had I not seene the signes hang out on euery side, I would haue sworne I had beene in a Vineyard and not in a Cittie: in sadnesse [Page 66] it was a pleasant spectacle. In the Market place are all the measures hung vp in chaines, sealed with the Dukes stampe on their tops, and by them, hangeth a table of the lawes of the land, which you shall haue truely set downe here­after. The inhabitants go all naked, but for a wreath of Vines about their fore­heads. But their skins are all carued with figures, and painted after the maner of the ancient Picts, and Brittons. One hath himselfe drawne into the forme of a Centaure, another of a A beast that is halfe like a Goate, and halfe like a Stag. Tragelaphus, a third of a Pidgeon (a terrible drinking byrd) and you shall haue some painted so perfectly like a flaggon, that if hee set but his hands on his sides you would sweare it were a liuing flaggon. I did see one also so directly in the shape of a Whale, that when hee vomited, no man in the world but would haue taken him for a liue Whale, spewing vp the Ocean. I had a great affection to see the maner of their publike feasts, and yet not bee seene by the citizens. So mine hoste at last agreed to performe my request, and [Page 67] satisfy my longing, mary hee gaue mee, withall, certaine cautions of danger, that might ensue if I were discouered, and likewise informed me in some neces­sary points of behauiour: so hauing mine instructions about me, I and mine honest hoste, my leader, got vs into the Townes hall, in the euening, vnspyed of any. By and by come the feasters, and take their places, iust as the Eat-alls doe (as you haue heard) onely they had more drinke and lesse meate. Euery one had his purueyance at either el­bowe, a pisse-pott for his vrine on one side, and a bowle for his vomite on the other.

At first, they begin a sacrifice to Bacchus, their Generall God: not as the Romanes did of old, with powring a little wine vpon the ground; no, no, farre more religiously, and with more stately ceremonies. At the vpper end of the table stands a statue of Bacchus, holding in his right hand a mon­strous great Goblett of such weight, that (as Virgill sayde once) the left [Page 68] hand is now and then faine to helpe her sister. Into this Goblet or standing Cup, the maister of the ceremonies in the name of the whole company, powres an hoggs-head of wine, (it holds no lesse I can assure yee) which passing in pipes as if it were in veines vnto his mouth, and his t'other thing both at once, makes a pretty shew as hee both pissed wine and spewed it, all in one moment. And this is the houre-glasse proportioning the con­tinuance of the feast, for when he leaueth powring out, they must all leaue pow­ring in, and that vpon paine of sacriledge. Then sir comes me vp a seruice of shoo­ing-hornes (do yee see) of all sorts, salt-cakes, red-herrings, Anchoues, & Gam­mons of Bacon (Westphalia may goe pipe in an Iuie leafe, if it seeke to equall these) and aboundance of such pullers on. Here is no vse of the ol [...] Romane caution, vsed in their mee­tings, Drinke three potts, or fiue, but neuer foure. Plutarch. Sympos. Acad. 3. Athanae. l. 10 Plaut. in Stich. And then begins the full potts to goe round about the table, and the empty against the walles, so that you cannot possibly tel whether they are sooner filled to be emptied, or emptied to be filled; but (as Plautus saith of one) the drinke is sure [Page 69] to go, be it out of Can, A Quoniam is a glasse as well knowne in Drink-allia, as Chaucers old Queynt is in Letcheri-tania. Quoniam, or Iourdan. Now when one of them will drinke to another, he first challengeth him with a solemne The re­liques of some [...]auerne ca [...]ch. ceremoniall song. and then they ioyne hands fast together, and giuing a sound shake or two, the challenger aduanceth his moistened wea­pon, and blowes it drye: hee may puffe a little, or talke a few gentle words among hands, but the pott is disrobed of his li­quor, ere it bee seuered from his gripe: and then the tother answereth him at his owne weapon. The second course is not very dainty, but howsoeuer, they moy­sten it well with redoubled rouses. Then comes the fruite with the third course, and that in truth is very rarely furnished, which being almost finished, and the cloth being now thrust vpon an heape, the maister of the ceremonies cryeth Healths, three times with a lowd voyce. I imagined that this had beene a sum­mons to the breaking vp of the compa­nie and was a going hence; when mine hoast pulled mee by the sleeue, why how now yee sleepie spectator (quoth hee) [Page 70] and the feast is scarcely begun? stay and see the conclusion of it I pray yee: doe yee not see how fast God Bacchus his houre-glasse runnes? So I satte downe againe and stayed. Then steps mee out one of the company, and taking of his wreath, downe vpon his knees he goes, (I thought hee had beene going to his prayers) and presently calls for a quart pott. An health (quoth hee) vnto Great Bousing-gut; Woolsack, Arch-duke of Ten­belly, and presently the potte stops his mouth: he drinkes, he puffes, he belches, hee talkes, vntill within a while hee had gulpd downe as many quartes as his name had letters, and when he had done, hee falls a spewing, till all cryed twang againe, and dyes (as Horace said)

The pauement where he stood,
Mero tingit pauimentum superbo.
With proud Lyaean bloud.

Well, they all follow in order from the highest to the lowest, each one with the same pott, execution, & eiection: proo­uing him-selfe hereby a faithfull citizen, [Page 71] and (which is more) a strenuous Empty­kan. This past, vpstarts another, with this catch, A health to you and vs, this day, and health to all Drink-allia, seasoning his song with many a goodly belche, and so downe vpon hi [...] mary-bones, & vp with the pott hand-smooth, the deuill a bone finds hee in the drinke. After him they must all follow wo be to him that hangs anarse. This showre ouer-blowen, out steps a third, and hee aduanceth a quarte of plumpe Lyaeus to the health of all the Quagmirists (which is the generall name of the Nobility) of the most famous and eternall Citie of Carousi-kanikin; briefly, after him they goe, and thus euery man in order brings in his foundation of a new Round. Now euery man hauing his share, they must each one in his order (poxeon't, that madded mee) goe play the Of one of these might Horace haue truly said, Aut insanit homo, aut ver­sus facit, the man is mad, or else he ma­keth verses. Poet, out of the inspiration of Bacchus onely (the Muses may go hang for any roome they haue here) & herein according to the old maner that Plutarch speaketh of, euery one sings his song, & insteed of his Harpe, he had a knife and [Page 72] a quart pot, and truly they plaid fine mu­sick on it. One, in his song commended his mistresse, another, the goodnesse of the wine, a third related all the passages be­twixt him and his wife at home, so that it m [...]de mee remember t [...]at old saying of Laberius: ‘Ebriulati mentem hilarem accipiunt.’

When wines effect the braine doth binde,
Then mirth doth caper in the minde.

An other rimed all in Satyre against one that was not at this drinking: and euery one (mee thought) kept He was a drunken Poet and dyed of a surfet. Aske Francis Meres in his VVitts Commō wealth if you will not beleeue me. Anacreons measures; (Like will to like quoth the deuill to the Collier.) But in the meane time, while these songs were a singing, it was a world to see their seuerall behauiours, euery man had his humor to himselfe: you should see one, for very pure loue, weep­ing in his fellowes bosome, and another sitte a kissing of his companion, one set­ting his mouth on the racke with laugh­ter (wise were the man that could tell at what,) another downe vpon all foure [Page 73] in deuotion to Bacchus, a third swagger­ing & swearing godts hundred thou­sand tufels, because the bowle of wine was brought him no sooner; a fourth ar­guing of religion and matter of state: & here in a corner you should haue a fift sit nodding and slauering, it would doe a blind-mans heart good to see him. But now at the beginning of the feast, be­cause they are generally so slippery of memory that they quickly forget what they haue to doe, they haue a publike Notary, whom they call The wind-pipe office there, is farre greater then the Pipe of­fice here in England. Clarke of the wind-pipe, and he registers euery perti­cular carouse, and so files them vp for common records: what each man hath drunke, and vnto whom; which done after supper hee readeth them to the company (if any man be awake to heare them)

  • Pottle-gulp. vnto Swolne-gut.—iii. Gallons.
  • Swolne-gut. vnto Gultche.—iiii. Gallons ½
  • Dry-mouth. vnto Lurtch-cup.—iii. Pottles.
  • Draw-large. vnto Broken-belt.—vii Pottles ½
  • Sup-it-off. vnto Full-brink.—halfe an hogshead
Concordat cum originali. P. Skinker.

[Page 74] If any one haue failed in the taking of his liquour, hee must forth-with make present satisfaction, (if hee bee able) o­therwise, at the next meeting hee is sure to pay sound interest for his forbea­rance. Well the roll being read, and the houre-glasse runne all out: Mary quoth I to mine host but how will they get home now? that maruell I at most. Oh well inough sir (quoth hee) feare ye not. Do yee not see those ropes there in the court, that are fastned vnto them Iron rings? These, their seruants (who may not touch a droppe of wine till the feast bee done) beeing so sober as to know e­uery one his owne rope, doe take hold of, and the other end of it beeing fast­ned to their maisters dore, so draw themselues and their Maisters both in one cart, directly home, for these ropes are as good vnto them as a thred in a labyrinth. Masse you say true (quoth I) but what if one should come in the meane-time and tie the ropes further end to a wrong dore? Why doe you thinke (quoth hee smiling) that any [Page 75] one wakes this night? Yet I haue known it done, & the cart go to a wrong house and the man to another mans wife; who perhaps beeing as drunke as hee, neuer discouers the matter vntill next day at noone; and then, that which they ig­norantly committed, they doe wittingly laugh at: for it is a principle here, that a drunken man can neuer offend, for it is the effects of Bacchus, that hee is but in­strument vnto, and nothing else. But I remembred that place of Lucian; In Dialog. Bacchus neuer biddes them drinke more then they neede.

Of the Knights of the Golden Tun, and of the lawes of this Citty. CHAP. 4.

IN the townes Hall, (properlie cal­led Gulpers Court) there hangeth vp that ancient embleme of the order of their Knights, the Golden [...]unne; Hee that can drinke this vessell [Page 76] thrice off and goe his waies without in­denting, for this good seruice is present­ly knighted by the great Duke himselfe, & hath a chaine of extraordinary value bestowed vpon him besides. These knights haue a large Charter, and are allowed many goodly priuiledges; they haue absolute commaund in al Ta­uernes, & at al Tables. They may furnish so many soldiours in pewter-coates out of any mans celler in the towne, Gratis; and besides they haue full authority to set what limmets they please vnto euery mans pot-licking. These hardy men haue great conflicts at euery sollemne meeting (as the Or as the Helots had with the La­cedaemoni­ans. sword-plaiers had in Rome) their weapons are full charged cuppes, and hee that carrieth most of them away cleere, is conquerour, and leads the rest about the towne (if they can goe) in triumph. And this is their triall of the victory. If hee can put his finger iust into the flame of the can­dle without playing hit-I-misse I, let him spew whole fish-ponds, hee is held a sober man.

[Page 77] Now gentle Reader will I present thee with the lawes both of Carousi-ka­nikin, and of all Drink-allia: read and if thou wilt not laugh, choose.

IT IS DECREED, AND AB­solutely enacted, by the high and migh­ty Duke of Tenter-belly, and the whole States both of Eat-allia and Drink-allia.

  • 1. THat all promises, othes, bills, bonds, indentures or any other conueyan­ces whatsoeuer, made, or caused to bee made in the after-noone, bee vtterly voide and of none effect.
  • 2. That no man of what state or degree soeuer hee bee, haue his cuppes priuate vnto himselfe, vpon paine of drinking two daies, after in a fire-shouell?
  • 3. That if any one cast away any snuff, but meere froath, he be forthwith enioyned to goe downe vpon his knes and lick vp the otherwise perrishing liquor.
  • [Page 78] 4. That euery one pledge his challen­ger in the same cup, and on the same fashi­on, vpon paine of beeing debarred from drinke two daies after.
  • 5. That the Pottes in banquets bee ei­ther alwaies full, or empty: the waiter that presents a pot halfe filled, and the person that takes it shalbe both guiltie of breach of goodfellowship.
  • 6. That hee that beeing sober shall strike him that is drunk, be immediate dis­abled for euer giuing testimony in any cause whatsoeuer: but the drunken man striking the sober shalbe acquitted.
  • 7. That he that being sober shall robbe him that is drunke, bee forbidden wine for euer: and if he kill him, he shalbe put to death by thirst.
  • 8. That hee that shall speake euill of the Duke of Tenter-belly, as in saying, God send him a dry health, or so, bee held guilty of high treason.
  • 9. That hee whome either nature or sicknesse hath made abstinent; bee banished the land.
  • 10. That hee that goeth from any [Page 79] publique meeting, without staggering, bee accompted a malefactor in the highest degree.
  • 11. That all that stay three daies in the Cittie, doe offer sacrifice vnto Bacchus.
  • 12. That the calling of a Citizen theefe or whore-maister, beare no action, that to call him abstayner, shalbe lyable to the lawe.
  • 13. That hee that mixeth water with his wine, bee sent to suppe amongst the dogs.
  • 14. That hee that sweareth by Bac­chus, and keepeth not his word, bee vtterly disabled from making any will, and bearing any witnesse.
  • 15. That hee that striketh with a pot▪ and either spilleth the wine, or breaketh the pot, bee enioyned to touch neither pot nor wine for foure and twenty houres after.

Ouer the portall of the hall were these verses written.

The house of youthfull mirth, and lusty cheere:
Peace, wine, sport, rest, haue al their mansions here.
Subscribed STILLYARD.

The artes, and Military discipline of the Drink-alls. CHAP. 5.

THe people of this Prouince are al­most all bleere-eyed, and troubled with the palsie, with goodly Chowles about their necks and chinnes whereof the mountainers of the Alpes and the Pyrenaeian hills are so proud. They are very good Painters, when drinke and age hath made their hands to quiuer, that you would thinke verylie (as Lucian saith) that hee were sober that did it, when indeed hee is as foxt as forty beggers. They haue also some Poets amongst them, whom their principall neuer crow­neth with lawrell (because that tree is a foe vnto the vine) but all with iuye: these Poets are the very off-scum of the basest rascally rabble, I am as much greeued that they should beare that so sacred a name, as Antigenides in Apuleius was, that horne-blowers should be called [Page 81] Cornetiers. They are the veriest Lack­latines, and the most Vn-alphabeticall rag­gabashes that euer bred lowse: they can­not make two rimes in their mothers tongue in two houres, and yet these shake-ragges liue by other mens tren­shers, filling all the tauernes in the town with Epithalamiums, Elegies, and Epita­phes, your eares would blister to heare them, these are they that haue the ma­naging of maskes, and the disposing of Pageants and haue the same sway ouer the vses of balets that the knights of the tunne haue ouer the barrells. They had but one good Poet (as it is said) in an whole age, and hee was starued to death for telling truth out of season. They goe often to warre, in assistance of the Eat-alls; but they neuer goe armed, not so much as with an Irish steel-coate, a shurt on their backes; their lances are sapplins of Elmes, sharpned and dri­ed at the ends in the fire, but yet not­withstanding (for stand well they can­not) it is admirable to behold both their valour in fight and their fortune [Page 82] in conquest. Indeede they haue a law that none must goe sober to the field, so that the wine maketh them as bold and valiant as Lyons, and you know full well, Audaces Fortuna iuuat, fortune helpes the forward.

The funeralls of one of the chiefe Quagmyrists: and the Sacrifices of Bac­chus. CHAP. 6.

THE same night that I was a specta­tor of their more then rambling re­uells, one of the Quagmyrists, whose house was of some height, beeing loose in the breech, intending to goe thether whether neither Pope nor Emperour can send an Embassador, and being true­ly tapp-shackled, mistooke the window for the dore, so stepping rashly on, downe hee came with the wrong end forward, and in plaine English, broake his neck. His funeralls were very ritchly [Page 83] set forth: I can tell, for I was at them. E­uery man was died, all ouer with black, and for that day ware a cypresse wreath, in steed of his vines. The body was not layd in a coffin, nor vpon an hearse, as we vse, but being put into a caske halfe full of wine was so borne to the graue, and when hee came there, it was to lie rather in a cesterne of sacke, then in a graue of earth, and to bee drowned ra­ther then buried. For whereas the Romanes vsed to cast balls of frankin­cence vpon the pile wherein the bodie was burnt, they did not so here, but each one powred his kanne of wine in­to the graue, and bidding thrise Adieu most sweete and corpulent countriman, put finger in their eye, wept some quart of Rheume and to it they went, hand in hand to the Tauerne. This Quagmirist it seemes was well esteemed amongst them, for hee had a statue erected him in Bacchus his court, and vnder it these two verses in faire Romane letters.

Although he tooke his window for his dore
His valiāt death shal make his honor more.

[Page 84] And vpon his graue they set vp a pritty obeliske, and a brazen flaggon on the top of it, with these verses carued round about it. Three such Epitaphes in Lattine are to be seene at Siena, two in San Domin­go, and one in S. Spirito.

By wine I liu'd, and wine me kild, men say:
For being sober, I could nere see day.
Gone is my flesh, yet thirst lies in the bone:
Giue me one rouse my freind, and get thee gone.

Farewell fellow tosse-pots.

Now had I staid too daies in this towne, without euer beeing demanded what I was, but then mine host came and told mee, my friend quoth hee, you haue had a faire reign; if you stay one day lon­ger, you must perforce do sacrifice vn­to god Bacchus: I may not conceale you further vnlesse you would haue mee forsworne. No, quoth I? what cus­tome is that I pray you that you are so strictly bound vnto? Tell mee the course, and Ile either performe it and staie longer, or els Ile get mee present­ly gone, and ridde vs both from future [Page 85] danger. Well sir (saies hee) saw yee not the statue of Bacchus yesterdaie in Gulpers Court, and the huge goblet hee holdeth, wherein they powred the wine that runnes out at two passages? yes that I did. Well then, you must set your mouth to one of them (choose you which) and suck vntill yee bee able to stand no longer, but fall flat to the ground, and so must you lie vnder the spout, wallo-wing in the wine, vntill all bee runne out vpon you. How like you this? Faith not altogither so de­lightfull (quoth I) but I pray tell mee, was there euer any strangers that offered this sacrifice? All, all, (quoth hee) not a man nor a mans taile es­capes it, but to it hee must, maugre his beard; some will come spiritfullie to it, but others are faine to bee ha­led to their teate, like a Beare to the stake.

Well sir (quoth I) but Ile be iogg­ing hence: Onelie I would intreate yee to informe mee which country in this tract is next in dignitie vnto this of [Page 86] yours and worthiest of trauell. So faith hee told mee: Hot-waters quoth hee) is the best, some call it Liguour-ardente, it is vnder the gouernment of Sir Lim­beck Stillitorye, a knight of the noble familie of the King-Cuppes: and so ledde mee forth, shewed mee the way, as plaine as Dunstable roade, and then cur­teouslie gaue mee the Bascio los manos, and I thankt him heartily for his Valie­nado, and parted.

Of Hot-watrea, or Licor-ardente, and of the pilgrimage of Saint Borachio. CHAP. 7

NOw gan I all alone to take my way towards the North, leauing the ri­uer of [...]roath, behinde mee, vntill I came at If Bucklers­bury stood a­lone it were very like this towne. Sure as death there is some af­finity be­tweene them▪ Spewers-burie, the filthiest towne that euer I saw since my mother crade­led my head. Well I staid not long there (I had not neede) but on I pas­sed vntill I came to Coopers-nor-ton, a [Page 87] pretty well seated village, but not a droppe of water was to bee got in it for loue nor money: the reason is (as I heard afterward) least they should mixe it with the wine and so prooue euill common-wealths men. Onelie this I must tell the reader: by the way, for I promise yee it put mee often to a shrewd putther, I was as much troubled with pottes and flaggons in my iourney, as the traueller that hath farre to goe, is with the Spanish and Italian Crosses: I could neuer goe three miles to an end, but I should finde a bouncing tankard: kenneld vnder an arch, and drinke I must needes, no gain-saying the lawes of the Lands holie hospitality: at last I ouertooke a traueller, in an old tat­terd Cassocke of haire-cloath, bare-foote and bare-head. I demaunded whether hee went so fast. Sir (quoth hee) I haue vndertaken a long Pil­grimage vnto Saint Borachio of Bottles-brooke.

I wondered at this new name, and this as yet vndiscouered Pilgrimage, so I [Page 88] questioned him at large of the country, of this townes situation, and discipline, and finally of the vertues of this Bora­chio. Bottles-brooke sir (quoth hee) is sea­ted in the confines of Hot-watria, and Let cheritania, and is of great fame through out both the soiles. Besides diuers other ancient monuments in the towne there is a temple of Bacchus Fiery-face, they call it the Chappell Ardent, where a ritch and rare statue of his is erected, not like a grown man as else-where it is, but of an informed birth, iust as his fa­ther tooke him from the burning womb of Semele, so is it, hauing beene long ago so cut, out of the hard Rocke of Rubies. The top of this temple is al set with Car­bunickles▪ & golden sparks, most ritch to behold, & from the embowed arch there drops they say, a kinde of hot fuming li­quour (as the Hackluits voyages af­firme as much. Cataracts doe in some places of Mar del zur) and is receiued into a Borachio that standes placed accordinglie, whose vertue is such, that if one drinke a large draught of it with good deuotion, he shall neuer in [Page 89] all his life after be either drunke before noone, or a thirst before midnight: both which helpes may doe mee much good, for I am a man so employed in my coun­trie, that I can neuer lye in my bed vntill mid-night for thirst, nor neuer rise in the morning but before noone I am drunke and fast a sleepe againe. Therefore haue I gone this three dayes without drinking at all, (saue that I dranke one dish of wa­ter this morning) because I would me­rite the more of this holy Saint Borachio when I come there; nor dares any man importune mee to drinke, or any in my company as long as I weare this weede. Bir-lady sir you must thinke I was not meanly glad of so good a pri­uiledge, and therefore I intreated both his company and patronage. Well, wee went chatting on, vntill I obseruing the soile altered, asked him where we were now. This country (quoth he) euer since wee came ouer the Lake Metheglin, is called the Our ordinary passe to Ireland is through Wales. Countie of Vsquebath, be­ing the first shire of Hott-watria: It is not so well husbanded, but it is farre [Page 90] more fertile then our country of Wine­cester, exceeding both in fatnesse of soile and purenesse of ayre. So when I heard the name I vnderstood presently both y e originall and the definition thereof. Vs­quebathia, because they drinke there Vs­que ad [...], euen to the bottome: there are other deriuations thereof, but those I leaue vnto the six wits to censure of. The people of this nation are gene­rally fulsome and slouenly, and of a con­tinuall fearce and terrible aspect (vnlesse they be drunke) yet they vsed mee very kindly for my religious pilgrims sake (as they are very much giuen to supersti­tion) who lodged with me the first night in the common hospitall of an obscure little cittie (I forgot the name) yet we lay very quietly, for wee found all the towne dead drunke at our comming, and left them so at our parting, much other matter past vs, but I leaue it as vnwor­thy of regarde. At length through ma­ny craggie, fennie, woody passages, wee ariued at a famous port towne, called Puerto d' Aqua forte. Now quoth I (being [Page 91] as weary as a dog) whether goe we now? is not this Bottlesbroke? O Lord no quoth he: but cheere vp your selfe, we haue not a foote of ground more to passe vntill we bee there, all the rest of our iourney lyes by water: which when we haue pas­sed, we shall coast a little by the pleasant shores of Hott-watria, and presently we are at Bottlesbroke: (this country is like Denmarke parted into two by the sea, & that was the cause of our crossing the water. Well, to ship we went, and away: By this time imagine vs in the midst of the sea: well, my heart is cold yet to thinke but what a danger wee escaped there: for looke yee sir, our Mariners were all drunke to a haire, not a man could guide himselfe, if hee might haue a kingdome. One was a sleepe at the sterne: another going about to row, had Palinures destinie, and fell ouer-boord, whō two more seeking to hale vp again, had not we two held thē, had both falne after. A third falls into choller, & laieth a fourth ouer the pate for not helping his fellow: he st [...]ikes againe, & to it they go, [Page 92] fight Beare fight dogge: and all the rest diuided themselues on two sides. Now flew the pondrous oares about their eares, and clubbs and pumpe-staues, all their armes appeares, the water was qui­et, and euery one vsed his oare in the aire. But indeed they are easily knockt downe, whose ham-strings Bacchus hath already cut in two. Flat they lay, all but a couple of conquerors, who being too late weary of the massacre, fell vpon vs two, laying all the blame vpon vs. But wee two, scorning to bee put downe by two walking tankards, got vp a couple of cudgels, and gaue them their due, dis­armed them, bound them fast to the Mast, and plaide the sailers our selues. But our boat (sympathizing belike with hir ancient maisters the drunkards) did so welter from side to side, that had not Aeolus sent vs a strong gale, and forced the boate on against hir will, wee had laide our bones in the bottome of those seas, for ought that I saw, and my religi­ous fellow had neuer seene Saint Bora­chio. As we sailed on, I descried a farre [Page 93] of, on the left hand, a certaine high Iland couered with snow, and asking him how he called it, It is (quoth he) the Frozen Iland, where Bacchus liued for feare of his step-dames wrath, when hee was young: and the inhabitants vsing him churlishly, and at length chasing him by force from thence, his father being of­fended, laid a plague of perpetuall snow and darknesse vpon them. But whence is that smoake I see a farre of? That smoake comes out of Mount Denis, Dionysius is Denis, and Bacchus both. wherein the soules of such as either liued too sober­ly, or killed themselues desperately, are purified by fire; and there they burne, vntill some of their liuing friends go in Pilgrimage to Chappell Ardent for a bot­tle of S t. Borachios water, & powring that vpon their tombe, they are freed. I smi­led at this, and thought, now surely I haue found the originall of Purgatorie; let Abbat Odilo, and his Monkes of Co­runna tell mee neuer so many tales of mount Aetna, and many good morrows: 'tis here or 'tis no where.

Well, at length we came a shore, and [Page 94] found it a pretty sweete towne in truth (to giue it the due) marry it was both paued with bottles, and roofed with le­therne bougets. I doe not remember I saw any attificer in all the towne but letherne Iack-makers, and taylors for Bottle-cases; so that now I saw what vt­terance the Eat-alls had for their hides. The reason is, the men of this towne and country, vse no pure wine, as the other Drink-alls doe, but certaine distilled wa­ters mixt with the strongest grape they can get, which are so forcibly hott, that the brittle glasse cannot hold them, and therefore they are driuen to fortifie their bottles with letherne Ierkins, riuer­ted together with pitch and rosen. The citizens are fiery of face, and cholericke of condition, enuious, suspicious, para­litique, and of a staggering manner of pace in their going: but that which is most terrible of all, they drinke and they breath nothing but meere flames. As much cold water, or scarr-gut, as one of vs will drinke, so much fire will one of them take: that a man would verily ima­gine [Page 95] when hee saw them, that they were so many fire-drakes, or Saint Georges dra­gons. I was in danger of water before, but now I feared nothing but that I should be stifled with fire. So that I left my companion in his orisons vnto Bac­chus (I loued him well, but I loued my selfe better) the very next morning I got me out of this Vulcans shop, for so it was, and a very Cyclops forge, rather then a Citie of Bacchus. Now being vpon my way, I began to resolue with my selfe to passe by the verges of Lecheritania back againe, and so to see some-what of the fashions of the Otherwise called Strong­ [...]ieros. Hop-sackers, the third countie of Drink-allia; but iust as I was plodding on with this thought in my head, rushes mee forth an Ambush of armed Sheelandresses (you heard of Shee-landt before) besette mee, tooke mee, and carryed mee prisoner (the more vnfortunate I) a long and toyle­some iourney, euen to the chiefe cittie of the land, called Gossipingoa.

I would not haue the reader take any vn­kindnesse at my hands for omitting y e rest [Page 66] of Drink-allia, for as my Pilgrim told me, it is the basest part of the land, this coun­tie of Hop-sack; and but that it is more beast-like, different in nothing from the others which you heard described before.

Finis lib. 1.

The second Booke.
The description of Shee-landt, or Womandeçoia.

Of the situation and the parts thereof. CHAP. 1.

THE new discouered Womandeçoia, (which some mistaking both name and nation) call Wingandecoia, & make it a part of Virginia) [Page 97] otherwise called Shee-landt, lieth in that part of the Southerne continent, which our Geographers of Europe Ouer a­gainst Mole­ture and Beach. called Psytacorum Regio, the land of Parrots. On the North side it boundeth vpon Letche­ritania (a nation that is a great enemy to it) on the South, vpon Thriuingois: on the East, vpon the two Fooliana's, the Fickle and the Fatte. The soile thereof is very fruitfull, but Twere pitty it should be otherwise, being so shrewdly wi­ued. badly husbanded: It is diuided into many Prouinces, both large and ritch, yet all of seuerall condi­tions, habites and languages. The prin­cipall of them are these; Tattlingen Scoldonna, Blubberick, Gigglot-angir the high and the lowe; Cockatrixia, Shrewes­bourg, and Blackswanstack, otherwise cal­led Modestiana. Not farre from these is also an Iland called Ile Hermaphrodite, or more properly, Double-sex. Many of these Prouinces did I passe through, sore a­gainst my will Ile bee sworne. But to speake the truth, Tattlingen is the best country of all the rest, & hath many faire cities in it, as Pratlingople, Tales-borne, & Lyps-wagg, through the last of which [Page 98] there runneth a great riuer called Slauer, which some-times will ouer-flow the bankes, and drowne all the lower part of the country, which they call Chinn-dale, but the countrimen haue now deuised very strong rampires of bones and bend lether, to keepe it from breaking out any more, but when they list to let it out a lit­tle now & then for scouring of the chan­nell. But of all the citties of Tattlingen, or of all Shee-landt, Gossipingoa is the principall. Thether was I brought, and deteined a great deale longer then stood with my good liking: I will (for passing away a little time vntill the Capon bee enough, we haue nothing else to do) dis­course the whole progresse of their dea­ling with mee here, and then Ile goe on with the conditions of this new nation.

How the Gossipingoesses vsed the Author of this discouerie. CHAP. 2.

AS soone as these cruell conqueresses had taken mee vpon the borders of Lecheritania, they brought mee away to [Page 99] their chiefe city, & so to the court, told a bell and presently all the inhabitants came flocking thether in a trice, & began to prie more narrowly vpon mee who stood bound sure enough (god wot) for offering them any false measure. At length, one of the rout, (their Captainesse it seemed shee was) gaue a signe to the rest to be silent (as she had need) and then bespake the company thus. What, or of whence this fellow is, I doe not know, onely wee tooke him in the confines of yonder damned country Letcheritania, and seeing they haue offered vs so much iniury, I hold it very fitte now (if it bee not too late) to begin to take reuenge of them, and first with this prisoner. Now she hauing made an end, I got leaue (with much a doe for noise) to speake, & so de­clared my nation, and the cause of my wandring as well as I could, and told her Womanship that for my part I had not any acquaintance at all in Letcheritania, I was one that wished her Madam-hood and all hir sex all the good I could, and that it would derogate much from her nature, [Page 100] clemencie, and from the honor of her iust gouernment to condemne an Inno­cent pilgrim, and one that had not offen­ded, without hearing of his cause. Well these good words I can tel yee wrought so prettily well, that the poore yong wenshes began many of them to weepe: yet the old countesses were not so much ouer-swaied by mine oration, but that I must to prison to a great house in the market place called Cold and com­fortlesse, vntill my country and cause of trauell were truely manifested vnto the Shee-counsell. Well to warde I went, and but that my countries name (the It is a pro­uerb in France that England is the paradice of women, the purgatory of seruants, and the Hell of horses. true Paradice of women) pleaded for mee, I had neuer come home aliue, for all the Lecheritanians that they take, they ei­ther faire hange vp, or els put them vnto most slauish offices in this prison. Here­in plaging them for their iniuryes of­fered; for that Nation, although it bee most lasciuious, yet it rūneth a madding eirher after whore, or els in bestiality, either neglecting their wiues vtterly, or els keeping them continuall prisoners [Page 101] through mad-braind ielousie. O how ma­ny noble captaines did I see here wea­ring out their liues in spinning, carding woll and knitting? faith at length, for my countries sake, I had my liberty, but not without an oth for I was brought to Iunos Altar, and there laying my hand on the same, tooke a sollemn oth to obserue all these conditions following.

  • 1. That I should neuer goe about to iniure this noble sexe by word nor deed.
  • 2. That I should neuer interrupt a woman in her tale.
  • 3. That wher-soeuer I liued, I should leaue the rule of the house to my wife.
  • 4. That I should neuer more come in Le­tcheritania, for it is the common phrase here, Many go thether good men, but come away againe euill husbands.
  • 5. That I should neuer aime at more then the loue of one.
  • 6. That I should neuer bewray my wiues secrets.
  • 7. That I should neuer deny my wife any womans ornaments.
  • 8. That I should continually giue women [Page 102] the prick and praise for beauty, wit and elo­quence, and defend it against all men.

This oth I I beleeue yee sir with a little aequiuo [...]cation. willingly tooke, & would haue taken one ten times stricter, rather then haue staied there. So therefore you see my tongue is tyed by mine oth, not to tell all the fine Conundrums that I saw among these mad wenches. Some­what I may say, but no harme, no more I would in truth, if I had not beene sworne at all.

Their formes of Gouernment, and elections of persons of state. CHAP. 3.

THeir state (for ought that I could obserue) is popular; each one seeking superiority, and auoyding obedience. They haue no lawes at all, but do euery thing by the numbers of voices. But the giuing vp of their voices struck me into a wonder, being vnacquainted therewith for they set vp a erie all together, none giues eare, but each one yells as if shee were horne mad. Is not this able to abash a good mans spirit.

They hold a continuall parliament a­bout [Page 103] their more weighty affaires of state, In Collo qui so that Erasmus were he aliue now, would be able to giue a strong testimony of womens turning sutors. Now this continuance is necessary because of their lawes vncertainty: for the decrees of this day, may bee all disanulled to mor­row, but the same day they cannot, least their law-giuers should seeme vncon­stant in their edicts. Euery ones voice is alike in worth, the whole citty thorow, but not euery ones dignity, for they haue a set number of chosen women, they call them Grauesses, & these haue the autho­rity of most honor in each particular ci­tie: But they are not borne to this digni­ty, but elected either for their beauty, or their eloquence, for by these two are all elections ordered. They had once a cu­stome to elect these Grauesses by voices, but afterwards, euery one giuing her voice onely for her selfe, it bred a confu­sion, & so made them abolish that maner of election: and then they made a decree y t only those should haue the sway in this enuious contention, who would professe [Page 104] themselues neither faire nor eloquent. But this brought all to such a passe that in the whole multitude of them, you should not find one that would be Elec­tresse, the elder sort holding that they had the eloquence, and the yonger stan­ding as firme in it that they had the beauty. At length they all agree to passe ouer these places of Electresses vnto twelue of the most aged matrons of Old Mumpington (a ruinous village hard by) and so they did, giuing them the glori­ous title of The chiefe of whom when as I was there were these, The Dutchesse of Cackletout, The Coun­tesse of Banne-alleyla the Arch-pressbyteresse of Slauer­sperg, the Countesse Pratline of Twitlecome and eight more Subor­dinate Elec­tresses. Electresses Grauessiall, to set them the more a gogge to performe their charges. And besides this honora­ble stile, the hony of age, wealth and a­bundance, comes continually vpon thē; for the ambitious young wenshes will so bribe and ply them with giftes, to haue their voices at the day of election, that I hold there is not a court either more corrupt in giuing voices, or more wealthy in giuen ritches. In stead of scepters and swordes, the Grauesses haue fannes and glasses borne before them: huge Christall glasses, and still [Page 105] as they passe through the streetes, they pranke vp their attires by the sayd glas­ses, and set all their gew-gawes in order as they go along.

The originall of the Shee-landresses. CHAP. 4.

THere are few Shee-landresses borne in this Nation, but such as either will needes weare their husbands bree­ches, or els such as their husbands iea­lousie will needs either banish or make prisoners, those runne flocking from all parts hether. Now all such as are their husbands maisters, and are therevpon banished for their vniust clayme vnto soueraignty: these are assigned to inha­bite the frontiers of Shee-landt especial­ly in the countries of Shrewes-bourg, and there they are all put in garrison. But as for those that are voluntarie exiles, they are generally of meeke and vnman­ly spirits, and these are seated in the [Page 106] heart of the Land, to become Votares­ses to Peace and to Beautie, and yet you need neuer dreame that this weale-pub­like (how euer weakely founded) should go to ruine for want of perticuler mem­bers: and Ile tell you why: there are so many voluntaries, (especially free wo­men) come to this campe, that the feare is that rather here will want roome for new inhabitants, then otherwise. Truely I am in a great perplexity least my coun­try women should haue any vnderstan­ding of this state: For if they haue, wee may goe snicup for any female that will bide amongst vs, but all will away, wee should not haue one big belly left to lay the foundation for a future age by, and therefore I pray you sir (whosoeuer you be) as you loue the preseruation of our linage and the generall multipli­cation of mankinde, bee silent in this so important a secret: for it lies vs all vpon to keepe it vndiscouered from our gid­die females, vnlesse wee can find a better meanes of generation.

Of Gygglot-tangyr. CHAP. 5.

AT Gossipingoa, I got (besides my freedome) the Cities letters, for my passe-port, and so from thence I tooke my way towards Giglot-tangire, a coun­try lying vpon the South part of Wo­mandecoia, towardes Letcheritania; The Land of it selfe in this part, is the worlds paradise: I was not many leagues from Loues-den, the first towne of this Coun­ty, when I entred into an ayre as delicat­ly sented, as if all the perfumers in Eng­land (doe yee see) had lately plaied their prizes there for eternal soueraignty: the whole country round about is so stuft with Apothecaries, and The states Magnificoes. Pomendrifi­coes. The rest I omit. The women of this wapentake are generally tall, gracefully adorned, and (were it not that they practise the art of Cheeke-oyling o­uer much) very beautifully. They weare nothing on their faces, nor on their breasts: as for the rest of [Page 108] their habite, it is faire in shew, light in weight, and easie to mount, as is the aire. But their naked parts are so crus­ted ouer with ouer-grosse painting, (as they vse in Muscouia) that you would verily imagine, you saw some statue on a Westminster tombe, rather then a li­uing creature, such a cart loade of false colours ensconce their fairest beauties.

The women of The Se­pulchre of Modesty is in this towne. Shames-graue, (for so they call the shire towne of Gigglot-tangire) haue their houses made all of Muscouia glasse, as transparent as ayre: And it is labour lost to seeke any of them at home, vnlesse you make your inquest immediately vpon their dres­sing time, or some what before: But lay your plot to seeke them at a Play-house, or in a Tauerne, or so, and it stands vpon a good foundation: for there you are sure to finde your femall, either a laugh­ing, a singing, Dauncing is here taken in the largest sence, inclu­ding both the moderne, as galiard, pauan [...]ig &c. and the ancient, called the be­ginning of the world vide Rab. A­podemat. 17. chap. 3. a dancing, or vpon some such employment in state. You neuer saw spider contriue a more artifi­ciall net for a flie, then these women do for the Lecheritanians (how euer their [Page 109] countries deadly enemies) yet some of these men serue their desires as volun­taries, for prouant, and preferment. O­thers, they lay their ambushes for, and fetch them in first by loose allurements, then by praiers, and then by pence, and if none of these meanes will worke, they compell them to serue their wanton de­sires by force. And when they haue done so, iust as you see stallion horses kept for breede, so are they stowed into custody, dieted with Eringo's, Pota­toes, Cullises, and other dishes of lusts deuising, vntill Venus send her second summons. This I no sooner heard, but I hated, and no sooner hated it, but I a­uoided it as neither daring presume of my learning, nor policy, but that I knew my selfe neither for proper young man, nor very fine Gentleman (none disprai­sed) I otherwise durst not haue hazar­ded mine honesty vpon so slight foun­dations. But you may see; It is some­times good to want a good face: and those things with many a man doth oftentimes blame nature most for, may [Page 110] at one time or other stand him in more stead then her greatest benefits in ordi­nary estimations.

Of Double-sex Ile, otherwise called Skrat or Hermophradite Iland. CHAP. 6.

NOt farre from Guaon, the last Ile of the Moluccaes, betweene Cape Her­mose, and Cape Beach, lies Double-sex Ile, much like vnto our Ile of Man on the coast of Lancashire. In this Ile nature hath so orderly disposed all things to one forme, that I could finde no one plant in all the soile but was of a double kinde; no tree, but beare two kinde of fruites or one fruite of two seuerall kindes & names: there was your Peare-apple, your Cherry-damsen, your Date-alimond, your Chestnut-fylberd, and a thousand of these conclusions of nature. Yea in so much that the very inhabitants of the whole Iland wore all their habits [Page 111] as Indices of a coaptation of both sexes in one. Those that bare the most man a­bout them, wore spurres, bootes and britches from the heeles to the hanshes: and bodies, rebatoes and periwigges from the crupper to the crowne: and for those that were the better sharers in woman kind, they weare doublets to the rumpe, and skirts to the remainder. Nay their very names bare notes of their per­ticipations of either side: There was Mary-Philip, Peter-alice, Iane-andrew, and George-audry, and many more that I re­member not. All of their owne nation that haue not shewn themselues per­fect both in begetting, & bringing forth, are made slaues to the rest: & when they take any that are but simply of one sexe, Lord what a coile they keepe about thē, shewing them as prodigies & monsters, as wee doe those that are borne double­headed, or other such deformed birthes. Their onely glory which they esteeme most, is that in their conceite they haue the perfection of nature amongst them alone, of all the world besides them. [Page 112] For seeing nature (say they) hath be­stowed two hands, two feete, two eyes, two eares and two nosthrills to euery meaner perfect bodie, why should not the most excellent creature of all be per­fect in two sexes also? And againe: the ancient sacrificers to Cybele, and the Pathiques of old Rome were faine to vse forced meanes for that which wee haue giuen vs by nature. Thus are they wont to protect their deformities: and truely you may obserue in them all, The Mule is held both to conceiue and to beget, in Syria, Arist. and some hold the like of the Hare. besides their shapes, both a mans wit, and a wo­mans craft. They haue no Cattle in this countrie but Mules nor any wild beasts but Hares. They liue most vpon shel­fish, for that is their best and most ordi­nary sustenance.

Of Shrewes-bourg. CHAP. 7.

IN my returne from the confines of Gigglot-tangia, beeing now vpon the most westerne angle of the same, I light [Page 113] (iust as my staffe fell) into the Country of Shrewes-bourg, the onely garrison of this feminine gouernment, and the onely defence it hath against forreigne incursions. Now the country fearing no foe but the Letcheritanians (for the Thriuingois are a quiet nation and neuer will offer to molest them, and the Foo­lianders cannot though they would) doe therefore place their fortes and townes of garrison vpon the Easterne frontiers of Letcheritania.

Here was I truely guld; for espying persons in the habites of men, masse thought I, this is good, I am now got­ten out of Womendecoia: but when all came to all, I was flat cousned with a borrowed shape: for in this countrie women weare britches, and long beards, and the men goe with their chinnes all naked, in kirtles and peticoates; spin­ning and carding wooll, whilest their wiues discharge the maine affaires of the state.

In this tract is an ancient and ample towne seated, generally called Pepuzia, [Page 114] and I do not thinke but Arist. de haeres. Pepuzian He­retiques were of this originall, who held that women should be both Princes and Priestes as well as men. The Barbari­ans in Aristo-Polit. lib. 1. 5. 1. Aristotles time neuer vsed their women halfe so imperiously as the men are vsed here: I had great compassion vpon their slauery: Yes verely had I: The poore snakes dare not so much as wipe their mouthes vnlesse their wiues bidde them: not so much as (sauing your presence) goe pisse, nor passe a word with their best friend, but they must first come to their wiues with a writ of Quaeso Magistra, good Mistresse giue me leaue to goe &c. I ob­serued this custome to bee more strictly looked vnto vpon one certaine daie whilest I was there, then at other times by far: and the reason was, because that while some of the better spirited hus­bands disdayning to bee chained in this vnmanly subiection by their wiues, had laid a plot amongst themselues to rise on a set night (as it might bee this night) in open armes vpon the sudden against [Page 115] wiues, and so shake off this infamous and disgracefull seruitude.

This plotte had come to verie good effect had not misfortune cros­sed it: for one cowardly fellow of their confederacy, beeing threatned by his wife to bee soundly cudgel­led for some other priuate escape that hee had made; to procure him­selfe a pardon, went and reuealed all the whole plat-forme of the conspi­racie, iust the euening before the night appointed.

The women sitte at meate and the men attend, the women sleepe and the men watch; so doe they scold and fight, whilest the men are faine to beare off with eares, head and shoulders.

Happy may they call that daie whereon they are not lambeaked be­fore night. I imagined my selfe a­mongst the Turkish slaues, but that these distinction of habites assured mee this was a more base kinde of cap­tiuity.

[Page 116] Ah what a beastly sight was it to see a distaffe and a spindle in a mans hand, and a sword and buckler in a womans▪ Yet I concealed my dislike as well as I could, desiring but to see without suf­fering.

If any woman vse her husband some­what gentlier then ordinarie (as some of them bee tender hearted) shee is presently informed against, cited to ap­peare before the Court Parliament of Shrewes-bourg, and there endited of high treason against the state. Her next neighbours giue euidence against her with such noise & furie, that it is strange to see how farre they are ouer-borne with impatience. If she be but conuicted by the smallest euidence that is, shee is condemned to this punishment. Shee must first change attires with her hus­band, and then shaue off all her haire, aud so beeing ledde through the mar­ket place must stand for one whole daie vpon the pillorie, as an obiect vnto all the fleering scoffes of the beholders, nor shall the man escape scot-free, for [Page 117] beeing so audacious, as to take the fa­uours offred by his wife without a mo­dest refusall: but when the woman comes home (be shee all couered with durt, graines, rotten-egges, &c.) she may not put off her vesture vntill shee bring a cudgell into the Court, all died with the fresh bloud of her husbands broken pate. He that out-liueth his wife, must ei­ther marry his maide and bee sworne to her seruice as hee was to his former wiues, or els hee must become slaue to the next neighbours wife. For no man may bee the ruler of his owne house, in this country: when the wife goeth forth, either to warres, consultations, or for pleasure, she leaueth her keyes, & there­withal her gouernment vnto her maide, or her daughter: Either of which if the husband but once mutter against, his shoulders are sure to pay for it soundly at his wiues returne, vnlesse hee can ei­ther begge or buy the silence of the de­putie gouernesse. They [...]ust court fashion in England. neuer lie with their husbands but when prouan­der prickes them: For that (they [Page 118] hold) would procure too much fami­liarity, notwithstanding if the husband arise not out of his cabbin in the entry before the wife bee warme in her bedde, and comming vppe staires bare-foote, knock thrise gentlie at her Chamber dore, and offer her his seruice in a soft voice hee is sure to haue on the rubbes the next day.

The women of this tract obserue a fashion directly contrary vnto ours, for they That there may bee lesse ho [...]d ta­ken by their assailants, and more by themselues. clip their haire and let their nailes grow long. There are also cer­taine amongst them that are Proffessi­trixes of the Noble Science, and keepe free schooles, wherein the rest are taught al the wards offensiue and defen­siue, both of heeles, nailes and teeth: as also the most exact and iudiciall method of clawing off the skinne of mens faces, pulling out eyes; byting of armes, wringing of eares, and tearing of beards: These lectures they are instructed in both by precept and practise.

Now you would thinke it incredible if I should tell you of the neatenesse of [Page 119] their houses, yet the men are all their drudges to wash, wipe, scoure and sweepe all that is done: yea and dresse all the meate besides: so that I ima­gine that it is but mans esteeme of the vndecencie of such businesses, (not any of his vnablenesse to discharge them) that maketh him eschue such employ­ments. There is no foule spot to bee found in any house here, sauing on the mens clothes, but those are so filthie that they are true notes how they neg­lect themselues as much as the women neglect them; Notwithstanding goe but abroad into the fieldes (which are the womens charge to see to) and there you shall finde all most beastlie: The verie walls of the Citties are halfe downe and that which standeth is so disgracefullie framed, that the verie stones seeme to begge to bee at mans dispose, and to abhorre the ordering of womankinde.

I know gentle Reader thou mar­uelest much how I gotte safelie away from such a daungerous place, and [Page 120] from so mischieuous a forme of gouern­ment. Faith Ile tell thee truely, mine age, my habite, and good aduise were my patrons in all this perrilous aduen­ture. My habite was manlike, my face womanlike (for I had yet no beard) and besides I met a many of my owne coun­trimen (a strange chance in a region so vnknowne) whom I knew by sight as well as the begger knowes his dish▪ veri­ly I did, and these (like true friends at need) gaue me such good directions, Aeneid. 6. that (as Aeneas did by Sybilla) I following their aduises got at length (though with much toile and daunger) through all the dirty fennes of Where the women will fal a weeping vpon any wa­ger, euen when they list. Blubber-ick, o­uer the Mushrumpallian Mountaines, and so finally into the confines of Fooliana.

But now you may come vpon me with another question, and aske me why I tra­uelled not in that part when the Modesti­nians, the women of Black Swan-mark had their habitation. Truely I hold my selfe infortunate in that one thing alone, that I could not come to see their [Page 121] state as well as the rest, seeing that my minde presageth vnto me, that it excel­leth all the fore-named. There is such a people my friend I tell thee plaine: but the region wherein they inhabit I could neuer come to discouer, onely the name I brought from their ancient chronicles of the other states, and that as I sayd is A chaste and modest vvoman, is Rara anis ia terris, nigro (que) simillima cigno Iuuenal. Black-Swan-marke. Indeed there are some of them that liue as Anchoresses, and Hermitesses in the craggie deserts of some other parts of Shee-landt, but their habitations are generally vn­knowne, and almost inaccessible: these notwithstanding are the monestaries, whether (as it is reported) the fairest, chasest, and most zealous of the Shee­landresses doe voluntarily retire them­selues: hee that will take the paines to search those vast deserts, may question­lesse meete with some of those holy Vo­taresses: I light by chance of one or two of them, whose variety of vertues, beau­ties and behauiours haue left mee in an extasie vntill this very houre: but our young trauellers being too idle to enter [Page 122] vpon so hard an inquest, that is the cause why they haue no other colour to couer their slouthfulnesse by, but by vniustly alledging the smalnesse of the number of honest women.

Finis lib. 2.

The third Booke.

The Discouerie of Fooliana. The situation and populousnesse of Fooliana. CHAP. 1.

FOoliana is the most Stultorum plena sunt omnia. vast and ill-husbanded region that euer mine eyes beheld, and yet withall, the most po­pulous. If a man should but goe into the Burse of any towne of traffique in this whole nation, he would sweare, (as one did once of Paris) that the whole world came to trade thether. I am not ignorant of the number of the people that are imagined to be in all Eu­rope, take it therefore as from the Histo­riographers, [Page 123] and not from mee. Italy is said to conteine 9000000, more or lesse: Spaine, a number somewhat lesser; Eng­land, 3000000; the Low Countries as ma­nie; both the Germanies, 15000000; France as many; Sicilia 130000: Wee know also what they (that vse to ampli­fie vpon all things) say of the number of the inhabitants of China, that they do a­mount vnto [...]0000000. That countrie paralelld with the whole country of Foo­liana, is rather an vnhabitable desert thē a peopled nation: it lieth iust vnder the Antarctike pole, as the Mercator in his Atlas Geograph, af­firmes as much. Pigmey-land li­eth vnder the Articke: and hence doe I gather (as any man else may) that the ex­tremity of cold in both these opposed regions, is cause both of the Pigmees lit­tlenesse, and the Foolianders blockish­nesse [...] nature so well gracing hir selfe by effecting the defect of body in one place, and counterpeysing it with as great a defect of witte in another. To confirme this, doe we not see that such as inhabite the temperate Zones are generally perfect both in body & mind: [Page 124] But let this be remooued vnto the cloi­sters of the Philosophers, I must proceed with my purpose.

Fooliana, on the South butteth vpon Tenter-belly, on the East vpon Shee-landt, and the farthest corner of Thriuingois, and finally on the West, vpon Theeues-wijck.

The parts of Fooliana: the peoples conditions in generall. CHAP. 2.

FOoliana the great, is diuided into fiue lesser Fooliana's, as namely there is Fooliana the fickle, in the Easterne fron­tires: Fooliana the craggie, iust vnder the Pole: Fooliana the fatte, towards the South-west, Fooliana the fond, betweene both: and Fooliana the deuoute, towards the West. Now the inhabitants of all these fiue, are generally tall of body (for all the vehemencie of the cold climate wherein they liue) their haire a pale flax­en, their heads As Homer saith of Ther­si [...]es, [...]. like sugar-loues; their lipps bigg like a Moores, and their eare [...] [Page 125] thick and spacious. But their conditions do not keepe all one forme: some things they haue generally in them all, and they are these: what euer stranger arriue a­mongst them (vnlesse he light in Fooliana the craggie) they presently entertaine him with all the pleasures that their towne-house, & table can by any means affoord: Come wee to any of them all, with a dust-licking congee, & some three or foure vostra Signioria's, Spaniard like, and either commend his good face, his new coate, his fine hand, his faire house, or season but his affections with an ad­miring applause, and this your obsequi­ousnesse shall purchase you an hoste whose curtesie will imagine nothing too deare for you; good words & faire pro­mises are all the moneys that this nation vseth; yet they haue great store of gold, which they barter away for feathers, bells, timbrells, and garlands, happy hee that hath the best store of such commo­dities to vtter at these Ports. The inha­bitants are of a hard constitution, going bare-brested, & thin attired in the depth [Page 126] of winter, to take ayre the better: marry in the heate of summer, they were rugge gownes, and cloakes aboue that, to keep out heate the better: yet they haue some Philosophotericall professors amongst them, that will go almost naked in midst of winter, in contempt of the colde, and their reason is this, that seeing all crea­tures besides man can bee content with haire and hide onely, why should not man that is made maister to them all, make shift to breake through all the battalions of colde, being armed onely with his shirt of nature, his skin? I pro­mise you, a strong & sensible argument.

You shall neuer take any of them so­litary, for they doe continually talke and contend in argument with them-selues when they are alone and in game: you shall haue them fall terribly out some­times with themselues onely; one word prouoking him to teares, & another im­mediatly procuring laughter, & the per­son being all this while single by him­selfe. They haue also certaine sects of people, generally called Fool-osophers [Page 127] amongst them, and these haue the same credit there, that the Bonzoes haue in Chi­na. I haue well neere forgotten their se­uerall orders: some of them run vpō my tongues end, and I thinke (I am not sure) that there was one sort called Browne-backs, and another called Clunia­censes. Clunches: besides (as I remember) there are the The Tri­nitarians with square caps. Quadricornes, the Barly-faces, the Greene­geese, the societies of Saint Patch del Culo, Saint Gynny come home at noone, & many more that are far frō my remembrance. all these giue their own allowances vnto others, and begge for scraps themselues, wandring through y t verges of Fooliana, & where they finde a stone with any pic­ture vpon it, (be it what it will) downe they go vpon all foure, with curtsies, and cringes, 'tis more thē strange to obserue them: gold is ready change with them for led, prouided it haue a taile of parchmēt at the end of it. Tapers and noone day meete ordinarily at euery dinner time a­mongst them. To eate flesh is altogether vnlawfull for them; but for fish, take your gorge full gratis, and neuer breake statute for it, Ile bee your warrant: [Page 128] It is a sinne inpardonable The tale of the Franciscan and the Domi­nican is com­mon. for some of them to touch gold or siluer with their bare hands: as it is also their gene­rall custome scarcely to salute any man, yet may they neither omitte crosse, nor carued statue without a religious duck: They whip them-selues cruelly; the Who were solemnly scourged at the altar of Diana. Plut. in Apoph. Spartans boyes scourging was but a flye blowing vnto this of theirs: first because no man but themselues will vndergoe sore lashes, and secondly because in the obedient times, they had a tradition gi­uen them y t calues bloud was a pleasing sacrifice to their gods nosthrils. Their crownes are shauen, eyther to put the world in minde that all men are borne bald, or, for auoyding heate of the head, or else, least the haire growing betwixt heauen and the braine, should bee any hindrance to the minde in her celestiall meditation. Onely two things (in my simple iudgement) they are iustly to be accounted too wittie in: first in that they bring the people into such a fooles paradice, that they fetch all the fruits of other mens labours into their platters, [Page 129] whilest themselues sitte at ease in their cells: and secondly, in that they can so cunningly auoide the bearing of their crosses at home, by getting grasse for their stallions abroad, and by keeping their foles at other mens mangers. There is witte in this beleeue me.

If any of these monasticall men be sick, the couent neuer ceaseth weeping till he either goe for vp, or take a longer day: Phisick hee must haue none: yet when they are in their pangs of death, their foolosophers anoint them with oyle: They measure not ones wisdome by his silence (for so may one of Iohn of Paules Church-yeards blocks, prooue wiser then he himselfe) but by the choise compo­sition and deliuerance of good & grace­full termes: Hee is held a wise man, that speaketh not much vnto little purpose, not he that speaketh little vnto none at all. They neuer come on horse-back, nor a shipp-board, but hold it fondnesse to hazard their liues either on a stumbling iade, or in a weltring barge: they suck vn­till their beards come: nor do they euer [Page 130] bury their dead, holding it a slauish part for a man to tumble his parent, wife, bro­ther or so, into an hole, because that life is out of them, & to make a feast of them vnto the wormes, because of the lack of a little breath, & therefore they As the Indians of Bra­silia, Peru, and other places did when these parts were first dis­couered. Petr. Mart. ab Anglcria Decad. Ocean. hang them vp in the aire, in their best attire, & euery yeare keepe a solemne obite in ho­nor of their departed ghosts, iust in the place where they are hung vp, and this forme of buriall is most ancient as may bee gathered out of many monuments yet extant in Fooliana the deuoute.

The women of this nation are the prin­cipall gouernesses also of the state, but their dominions more tolerable in that their witts cannot informe them of the true state of Soueraignty. But what they haue (as I was told) grew first vpon this: The Shrewes-burgesses whilom ouer-run all the whole region of Fooliana, Annal. foolian dens. Centur. 19. sect. 7. li. 3. cap. 293. which not-with-standing by reason of the bar­rennesse of the soile, they would not pos­sesse, but left the inhabitants in possessiō: prouided, they held it no longer then they did homage for it vnto them; pay­ing [Page 131] them an Asse laden with gold, for their yearly tribute. This rent was paied along time, vntill at last the Foolianders brake out vpon these conditions, that as for the gold, they did not respect it, so that the Shrews-burgesses would demand it when it was due: but for them to force a louing creature, and one of their natu­rall towne-borne country-broode, with stroakes and battes, to beare this burden out of their land against his proper will and pleasure, this was a condition very hard, nay to their iudgments intollera­ble; besides that their quiet hereby stood in doubt; for one asse (you know) being heauier then another, if gold and asse and all, weighed more or lesse this yeare then they did the yeare before, the Shrews-burgesses might alledge that they had not their due: especially (which is a maine reason of this breach) seeing that the poore creature, though seeming neuer so able to beare out his burden at first, yet after a few dayes iourneys hath beene forced to lay him downe vnder his loade. This message incensed the [Page 132] Shrewesburgesses much, where-vpon to armes they go, & entring Fooliana, came without any resistance vnto Blocksford, otherwise called Duns-ton, the chiefe ci­tie of the land: alarum was giuen: out comes all the Blocks-fordians hurling vp­on an heape without armes or order. The foe was fairely ranged, and gaue the charge: downe falls a citizen or two, which the rest beholding, fell all vpon their knees in submission, with prayers for mercy, and protestations of innocen­cie: The weapons were held, and by and by one of the grauest Foolianders be­spake them in this maner. The Fooli­anders orati­on vnto the Shrewef­burg [...]sses. Ah what a violent inundation of cruelty hath ouer­flowne your good hearts, you right vali­ant Shrewes-burgesses? that for one poore Asse you should kill thus many proper men, and pritty schollers: especially (and oh let this especiall reason rule yee) see­ing that one quick asse, or one asse being quick (do ye vnderstand me) would haue bin more seruiceable to your estate then a thousand (a thousand said I? may then fiue and forty) men being dead, as naile [Page 133] in dore? take, (mistake me not, I bid you take) take euery one his asse, and his bur­den of gold, we had rather liue without them then to die for them: you shall all haue asses (asses are not so scant in this country of ours) once more I say, you shall haue asses, Gods plenty: ô then put vp your shining things, & spare the liues of a many weaponlesse men: I know (& to your honor be it spoken) I do vnder­stand that your valour scornes to stand in defence against a weaponlesse wretch: O spare vs then I do beseech you, & free vs from that present feare! Wel, the con­queresses are moued by this patheticall oration, & consented to giue them their pardons, mary vpon this condition, that the women of Fooliana should euer­more in domestique employments, haue preheminence before the men. The van­quished gaue their humble consents, and wee thanke yee too, for it was a noi­some toile to them to bee euer-more in the taile of a slow-back, egging him on to performance whether hee would or no.

Of Fooliana the fickle. CHAP. 3.

FOoliana the fickle, is the Easter-most part of all Fooliana the great, and next vnto Shee-landt. Expect not here (gentle reader) any exact description hereof: how I found it, and how I left it, I know thou shalt know as well as I: but if you chance to go thether your selfe (as many a fine Gentleman I can tell yee, and men of good worship haue done within this few yeares) and finde not the state as I describe it vnto you, blame not any de­fect in me: for their formes of gouern­ment are so dayly altered, that one may describe yee the shape of Proteus, or the colour of the Chamaelion or tell what we­ther it will bee to morrow, sooner then giue you any true notice of their disci­pline. The Portugales may brag of their trauels and discoueries, let them do so, but I durst venter a large wager, that if it could be tried, the ancient It is natu­rall to the French-man to be a we­ther cocksape, and to an English-man (pardon me you few of firmer spirits) to bee his ape. French-men did first discouer this country, there are [Page 135] as yet so many monuments remaining that shew it, both in the names of the townes▪ their most ancient lawes, and their chiefe coines. Their grounds neuer cary any one certaine forme two yeares together: that which is pasture this yeare, shall bee arrable the next: that which was all high mountaines this yeare, shall be all carried away to fill vp dales withall, the next. Nay they turne the very course of their riuers also, so that sometimes, as Virgil saith.

Virgil.
Plaustra boues ducunt quà remis acta carina est.
The plough now teares that vp, y t whilom was
A way for nothing but for boates to passe:

So do the inhabitants shut out their swelling riuers on one side, & they them­selues (raging at their forced stops) carue themselues a new course out on the other sides. They haue great store of magnificent cities, but they change their fashion euery other day at the farthest: The chiefe of which, at my first com­ming thether, was called Which is in Italian a [...] Butter flye. Farfellia, [Page 136] but ere I went away, it was decreed by the whole body of the counsell, that it should thence-forth bee called Butter­flieux: the whole frame of this city goeth all vpon wheeles, & may be drawne like a cart, whether the councels pleasures is to haue it. It is recorded to haue altered the situation a hundred times since the foundation, & thirty times it hath quite lost the former shape. In the time that I was there it stood seated by Sir Thomas Moore in his Eutopia hath a riuer of the same name, [...] the riuer of Water-lesse, and was very shortly to be carried vp to the height of Mount Want­wood. The riuers are all so frozen ouer with the extreame colde, that if any towne be wearie of the old place it may passe the waters vnto a new one. Euery moneth the forme of the city changeth, for euery house is separable from the next vnto it: so that as soone as euer they finde any the least fault with the old neighbors away goes house and house­hold and all, to seat themselues in a new street. The armes where-with this cities scutchion was whilom charged, was a Snaile with her shell on her back, on a [Page 137] chiefe argent: the words, Mea mecum, I cary mine owne about mee: but now it is the Butterflie desplaied, in a field vert and floured: the word, Vbilibet: Where I list.

Of the peoples conditions, and attires. Sect. 1.

THe Inhabitants goe all in painted fe­thers, as the Indians doe; for seeing that these light things kept the little birds warme enough, why (say they) should we desire now beeing farre more able to beare out could then those poore and tender creatures are? Now when they would seeme to haue new-coates, then they change the places of their fe­thers: so that that which in the morning wore on their heads, commeth before night to wipe the dust from their heeles, and so the rest, that which kept the knee warme but now, by and by getteth vp aboue halfe a yard higher.

They do marry wiues, and loue them [Page 138] pestilently well for a while; keping them selues truly loyall to their espousalls, vn­till they either take some occasion of dislike in their old bedfellow, or chance to behold another that is fairer then she: and then, farewell wife, and welcome with all mine heart husband sayth shee; for the wife is commonly as willing to make exchange, Iust as our Citizens vse a man as long as hee hath cash, you haue him, brow and bo­some, but that fayling, my maister is not within sir. as the man is: (assure your selues that shee taketh the first dis­like, if her husbands Cocke-shippe bee, any way declyning). They vse a stranger for the first daie as if hee were their owne brother, (though they neuer saw him before): marry the next daie they will passe you by, and forget that euer they knew yee.

They seldome or neuer proferre a­ny thing which they doe not call backe againe at the next breath they take, be­fore the promise bee confirmed: Nor doe they euer promise, but they after­wards forsweare it, vntill it bee perfor­med: nor doe they euer performe any thing which they doe not afterwards, (though all to late) repent and bee sorie [Page 139] for. They will not sell you any thing to day, but if you dislike it, they will giue you double the price you paid for it to morrow. They make their lawes new euery yeare once: for it is not fit (thus they defend it) seeing all mans life is mutable, that the rules of life should not bee mutable also as well as the effects: besides, mans second cogitations being generally more perfect, it were a strange slauery to bee tied so to a first decree, that although the after-wit dislike it ne­uer so, may not be altered.

Turne-coates tombe. The nations ancient Coines. Sect. 2.

IN this Citty, neere vnto the Built in the fashion of our Exchange & far better tra­ded. Asse-change, is a tombe of one Turne-coate, of small antiquity, and of smaller beauty, vpon it I reade this inscription.

PASSENGER.

Stay, Reade, Walke. Here lieth.

Iust such an Epitaph is there in Bo­logna in Italy in Saint Pe­ters, begin­ning, Aelia Laelia Crispis, nec vir nec inulier, nec Androgynan, nec casta, &c. ANDREVV TVRNE-COATE, VVHO VVAS NEITHER SLAVE, NOR SOLDIOR, NOR PHISITIAN, NOR FENCER, NOR COBLER, NOR FILTCHER, NOR LAVV­IER, NOR VSVRER, BVT ALL: VVHO LIVED NEITHER IN CITTY, NOR COVNTRIE, NOR AT HOME, NOR ABROADE, NOR AT SEA, NOR AT LAND, NOR HERE, NOR ELS­VVHERE, BVT EVERY VVHERE. WHO DIED NEYTHER OF HVNGER, NOR POYSON, NOR HATCHET, NOR HALTER, NOR DOGGE, NOR DISEASE, BVT OF ALL TOGETHER. I, I. H. BEING NEYTHER HIS DEBTOVR, NOR HEIRE, NOR KINSMAN, NOR FRIEND, NOR NEIGH­BOVR, BVT ALL: IN HIS MEMORY HAVE E­RECTED THIS, NEITHER MONVMENT, NOR TOMBE, NOR SEPVLCHER, BVT ALL: VVISH­ING NEYTHER EVILL NOR VVELL, NEY­THER TO THEE, NOR MEE, NOR HIM, BVT ALL VNTO ALL.

[Page 141] Somefoure miles from Giggumbobbia, there is a plaine where there were cer­taine old coines digged vp whilest I was there, I care not much if I shew you the formes of some of them.

One was a square peece, hauing a Ia­nus head with two faces on the one side, and the semblance of a globe-like stone vpon a smooth table on the other, and in darke rust-eaten letters, this about it. FBR. VAR. DVC. the forme was this.

[figure]

There was another that was round, ha­uing on one side one in a gowne, see­ming to bee of a middle age, leaning his right hand vpon the head of a little prettie dogge, and holding in the left hand, a booke; and on the other side was a Chamaeleon enameled in all her al­tering colours, and ouer her, these [Page 142] wordes, Const. Lips. This figure, as I re­member it bare.

[figure]

The third was larger, and of more value it seemed; bearing the figure of an egge: hauing on one side a leane face with a long nose, and a wreath of law­rell about the fore-head: on the other, a Polipus is a disease in the nose, cal­led Noli me­langere asvvell as a many footed fish. Polypus (a many-footed fish called a Pour-countrell, vpon a stone, passing well cut verely: the word was Pour-Bon.

The inuentor of this coine, I neither know nor care to know: nor what hee meant by this deuise can I possibly ima­gine. Notwithstanding a little skill in antiquities would soone fetch to light the true scopes of all these inuentions: I would some of deeper iudgement would take the paines. [Page 143]

Pour.

Bon.

Of the Vniuersity that is in Fooliana the fickle. Sect. 2.

AS I traueled along the valley Caprit­chious, I chanced to light vpon a towne that bare some shape of an Vni­uersitie. The name they told mee was Whether-for-a-pennia. Here met I with some shadowes of Philosophers, but neuer a substance: You may go whistle and saue your labour, as well as to come and looke for any lectures, rec­tors, bookes or schooles of the seauen sciences here. Euery peculiar man here is both his owne teacher and his owne Auditor. Yet are there [Page 144] two Colledges in the towne: one of the Philoso­phers that held them­selues discus­sers and exact inquirers of all things. Gell. lib. 11. chap. 5. Skeptikes, who deny that their is any trust to bee giuen to the sence: and they are such absolute suspenders, that they dare not for their eares decree any thing positiuely, no not this, that they ought to hold al things in suspence. Steale away any one of their purses, cloakes or victualls In Diog. Laert. De lacyda. (as one of them was serued once) and hee presently falls into a doubt whether euer hee had such a thing or no: Strike one of them as hard as you can, he doubts of it, both whether you struck hard or no, & whe­ther hee feele it or no. Speake to him or touch him, hee heares, sees, and feeles you, yet he dare not assure himselfe that any one thing of this is true.

The other Colledge consisteth who­lie of Gew-gawiasters, who giue them selues wholy to the inuention of no­uelties, in games, buildings, garments, and gouernments. Hee that can deuise a new game or a new fashion, according to his inuention hath a place of dignity assigned him by the Duke.

[Page 149] He that first deuised to blow out bub­bles of sope and spettle forth of the wal­nut shell, is of as great renowne amongst them, as euer was the first Printer, or Gun-founder amongst vs of Europe: these Gew-gawiasters, are in great esteeme in Court, yea and amongst the meaner sort also, in so much that many of them will not put on a tatter, nor once moue, without their directions.

Nay these I can tell yee are schollers indeed: they haue deuised a new lan­guage wherein they kept the misteries of their knowledge, onely to themselues: it is called the So do the Parace [...]sists call their bal­de [...]dashe. Supermonicall tongue. Some of the words I will set downe in this place, for the good of such as shall trauell those countries hereafter, that they bee not vtterly Cedarine, in Paracelsis­me is block­ish or igno­rant. Cedarine in this language when they heare it spoken.

They call the earth; Silo.

The soule; Adek.

Al thing within the skin; Chohos.

The inner part of the midriff, Coostrum.

Aquality borne with the body; Relloleum.

[Page 146] A thing naturall: Cherionium.

Salt: Al, and Malek.

The earths vapor: Leffas:

The waters mouing: Lorindt.

Wilde hony: Tereniabin.

The euill fumes of the elements; Realgar.

A mandrake: Aroph.

A male Cony, Ircub.

A beginning, Ilech.

A thinke supernaturall, Iesadoal.

An vnguent; Oppodeltoch.

Vineger, Xisinium.

Star-slime, Nostoch.

Iupiter, Cydar.

Successiue generation, Dordo.

An vncertaine presage, Erodinium.

A certaine one, Essodinium.

Pustules, Bothor.

Lame, Artetiscus.

Crooke-backed, Nasda.

An amulet against the plague, Xenechtū.

But I wondered much more at the names of their mineralls and spirits, for they call brimstone, Chibur, Alcubrith, Kibrit, and Alchur.

Quicksiluer, Sibar, plissadā, azoth, vnquasi.

[Page 147] Vnfined lime, Wismadt.

The Philosophers salt, Alembrot.

Mercury precipitate, Diatessadelton.

A mettall like Iron, Bobolt.

Iron, Edir.

Mercury, Missader, Zaibar.

Minerall gold, Chifir, Fido.

Copper, Maelibeum.

The rust of copper, Almizadir.

Vitriol, Colcohar.

A compound of corall and the lobster, Dubelcolep.

And now come the spirits names, with whom they are wondrously familiar.

Euestrum, Is the good Genius.

Xeniphidei, Good spirits that reueale se­cret things to man.

Trifertes, Spirits of the fire.

Caballi, Goblins.

Trarames, Apparitions.

Operinethiolin, Minerall spirits.

Gamahaea, An image impressed in the Phantasie.

Sylphes, Ayry spirits.

Paracelsus was prouost of the colledge, who inuented thē this strange language: [Page 152] But indeed I am not sure whether this tongue continuestill amongst them, or hath by this time giuen place to some language of the later edition. How-soe­uer it bee, I haue done my duty in war­ning you of it before hand.

Of Fooliana the Craggye. CHAP. 4.

FOoliana the Craggy lieth iust vnder the pole: the farthest of all the Land Southward: it is a Mountaynous, sto­ny, and eternally frosty country, lying in an ayre extreamely cold, and as ex­treamely dry. Here there is an Iron Rock, iust like that Rocke of Lode-stone, which the Geographers say is vnder the North pole: and this is the reason why the compasse, af [...]er you are past the Epinoctiall, declines towards the South, the cause whereof no Geo­grapher, or Marriner could euer as yet declare.

[Page 153] This land is diuided into two dutchies rather spacious then fertile, commonly called Solitary and the sad, Cholerik-oye.

Of the Duke, and inhabitants of So­litaria the sad. Sect. 2.

THE Duke of Solitaria is generally called by the name of Grumble-doro the Great, a testy and seuere man, whose subiects are as like in conditions vnto him, as they are vnlike to all the rest of the other Foolianders. Hee hath a huge & spacious pallace called Hearts-griefe-Court, built all of Ebonye and Iet, in a most magnificent kinde of structure. Ouer the portch are these words encha­sed in Corall.

Merentum locus est:
Written by Ranizouius in a chappell nere to Sige­berg.
procul hinc discedite laeti:
This is the place where sorrow dwels and care:
Fly far, far hence, all you that mirthfull are.

The people of this nation are gene­rally [Page 150] al haire-be growne, leane, slouenly, swarty complexioned, rough headded, sternely visaged, and heauy eyed, fixing their lookes as in amazement, and sel­dome mouing their ey-bals: their optike organs stand far into their heads, making them looke like so many hollow-eyed sculls. Here it is in vaine to looke either for citty or village: they dwell euery man in a place far from other, as Hares choose their seates: and professe a kinde of life most truly Heremiticall: partly be­cause they are of too suspicious and fearefull a nature to dwell in companie; & partly because the Duke hath expres­ly forbidden all men to build any one house within the sight of another, or within the distance of thus many miles from any habitation whatso-euer. They seldome or neuer stirre forth a dores, partly for the continuall darkenesse that couereth all this climate, and partly for their owne, and their Princes plea­sures: and when they doe goe abroad they doe very seldome salute any one they meet, for this is one statute in their [Page 151] lawes: Let no man stirre abroad, but vp­on necessity, nor salute any man hee meetes but vpon This the Ca [...]thusians obserue very duly, and de­uoutly. Thursdaies. Goe to any of their houses, and knocke at the dore, you shall stand a good while to coole your toes, and at last bee sent a­way with a snappish answere: for they are the most insociable creatures vnder the cope of heauen. But how doe they spend their time thinke you? Faith in imagining & framing fictions to them­selues of things neuer done, nor neuer likely to bee done: in beleeuing these their fictions, and in following these beleefes: This is the reason why they abhorre company, and hate to bee interrupted in their ayrie castle buildings.

You shall haue one of them directly perswaded that hee is dead, and lying all along vnder the stoole, like a dead car­casse. If any one come to question him, hee flieth in his face with most violent furie, supposing him some Necromancer, that hath called his soule backe againe from the dead, by [Page 156] his magicall enchantments, and from that time forwards, So did one Pisander in a melancholy fit. Cael Rhodig. lib. 9. chap. 26. he wanders all a­bout the country like a Ghost, imagi­ning himselfe hence-forth wholy inuisi­ble: but if any of his fellowes take him and binde him, hee forth-with deemes him a fury sent from Pluto, to fetch back the soule that lately brake away from hel, and now is he in the most pitiful tak­ing that euer was man; imagining his house which he held to be but his graue before, to be a direct hel to him now. A­nother is of opinion that he is become a Mole, and lieth in a caue vnder ground, hunting for wormes, and turning vp the earth with a pike vpon his nose proui­ded iust for the purpose: if any one fol­low him, and giue him but a little pricke, hee presently beleeueth himselfe taken by the Mole-catcher, and with miserable cries prepares himselfe to bee hung vp on the hedge. A third holds himself to be Atlas, the worlds supporter; and so standeth immoueably still, now and then fetching a sigh or two, sometimes lifting vp his shoulder, and sometimes [Page 157] shrinking it downe-wards: now when hee hath swet a little with this excessiue toile, if any one come and thrust him from his station, he presently falls flatte downe on his face with roares and cries, expecting euery moment when the skies should fall vpon him, and railing at the wickednesse of man, that had so little respect of his owne preseruation, and the safety of the whole world. Another auowes himselfe to bee Megaera, one of the furies, & affrighteth the passengers with terrible gestures: shaking his haire (which he thinkes is nothing but snakes) hissing, and running at them that come by him, with open mouth: if hee catch a whelpe or a catte, ô how hee will tor­ture it: and imagining it the soule of some sinner, taketh great pleasure in the cries of the poore beast (as it is said Aiax in his madnesse did by the Rammes). Another beleeues his nose to be grown of such a size, (as Cyngar did in The inuen­tor of the Ma­caronicall tongue, hee wrote of the gests of Bal­ [...]us, Cyngar, Fracasso, Vin­ [...]azzo, Se­raffus, &c. all in Strambot­tologicall verse. Cocaius) he gets him a great many thongs, to bind it vp at his back for the more conueni­ent cariage. Another supposeth himselfe [Page 154] made all of glasse or Potters earth, and so flieth all mens company, least hee should be broken amongst them. Thus hath euery particular man in the whole land some conceit or other, vnto which he holds his shape to be conformed.

Sect. 3.

FRom the foot of Mount-eye, the riuer of Teares hath his first spring, run­ning through most part of this Prouince, which is parted into two, by a continuall ledge of mountaines, called the Nose­autems, iust as Italy is diuided in the midst by mount Appenine. These moun­taines haue nothing in them but dire and frightfull desolation, nor giue harbor to any liuing thing saue Beares, and Wit­ches, and these abound all the deserts through. The Beare (a most lumpish me­lancholy creature) will lye yee all winter through, in a lightlesse caue, liuing onely vpon sleepe and licking of his feete. The witches being bleare-eyed & toothlesse old hags, do nothing but sitte muttering [Page 155] of charmes to raise winds and waters, to cure maladies, and call vp the dead, ouer all which they promise them-selues assu­red authority, and yet in the meane time are starued to death for want of meate. These hills on the one side are all coue­red with a thick darke wood, called Owles-wood, which is continually haun­ted with spirits and apparitions, and not for mā to enter, or to passe through. Here shall you haue your Lycanthro­pi, they are men or wo­men that by sorcery can put on the shapes of wolues, & yet reserue the reason of man. Witch-wolues in aboundance, whose howling if you know not their customes before, will set your haire an end with terror. In Diuels-dale at the foote of these hills, you shall see many whom that famous Enchantresse By a Me [...]tathesis, other­wise called Melancholy. Choly-melan is said to haue transfor­med into All me­lancholie is Asse-like, or Lion-like. Lions & Asses, and yet left them both the faces and voyces of men.

Sect. 4.

HEre we may not ouer-passe the onely wonder of y e whole co [...]ntry, 'tis this. On the side of the highest mountaines of all the Nose-autems is Cholly-melans caue. [Page 160] It hath a narrow entrance, and is almost frozen vp with Ice, but it is as it seemeth by the sound, of a large compasse with­in. All the sides of the entry are hung with huge Ice-hickles, which shewing like teeth, do make the place seeme like the picture of Hels-mouth. In this caue they say the soules of melancholike per­sons are plagued with continuall and ex­treame cold: whosoeuer offers to looke in (as few will that wise are) is presently struck downe sencelesse, where his body lieth a good while dead, expecting the returne of his tormented spirit: but hee that layes his eare to the ground a little without the hole, oh what howling, sigh­ing, ratling of chaines, and falling of Ice-sickles shall hee seeme to heare? Or hee that sleepeth vpon any part of this mount (which I more hardily then wari­ly aduentured) good God what Chimae­ra's, Centaures, and thousands of such a­mazefull apparitions shall hee (to his horror) behold in his dreames!

Of Cholerikoye, the other Dutchie of Fooliana the craggie. CHAP. 5.

NExt vnto this is Cholericoye, a bar­ren, burnt, sandie soile; producing a brood of hasty, furious, haire-braind, mad people: The naturall token of choller. low of stature, pale-faced, read headed, ferret eyed, trembling lip­ped, & vnequally (though ordinarily ha­stie) paced. These are all vnder the go­uernment of Duke Swash-buckliero, the model & Embleme of all tyrranny. The reader will admire, and hold it incredi­ble, that he should vse his subiects as he doth. The famous Russian tyrant was a mercifull Prince in respect of this man: there was neuer Caesar, neuer Cannibal so bloud-thirsty as he is. Here now the in­genious searchers of nature may make a great doubt, how a nation so exorbi­tantly cold, should produce such extra­ordinarily fiery constitutions, the bodies of others generally following the nature [Page 158] of the clime wherein they are borne. O sir, content your selfe whosoeuer yee be (if not, yee may choose, I will neuer in­treate yee) wee Philosophers know well inough, that where the heat is kept in by the stronger Antiperistasis, that is, where it is the stronglier bound in by encircling cold, there it breaketh out into a more violent operation. Doth not Affrica, that burnt region, produce serpents of the coldest nature of all others? are there not flies bred in y e furnaces of Cyprus, Mercurial. va [...]. lection. Georg. Agric. lib. de Subte­rean. whose cold do quite extinguish the heat of the fire? hath not the thunder and lightning their first originall in the midle region of the ayre? and is not the whole earth often-times shaken by a fire, hatched in the depth of her owne cold bowels? wel, Philosophy is on my side, and I dare therefore be hold to say what I doe say. On with our description.

This Dukedome is diuided into foure weapentakes; Sallow-hew, Grene-chekes, Blew brow, and As much to say Fiery-front. Rouge in French, is red in English. Rougeux: the people of the first, weare all tawny: the second all greene, the third all blew, and the fourth [Page 159] all red. There is none of these that euer stirre abroad vnarmed; hee that is but halfe sufficiently apparelled, will bee sure howsoeuer to haue his armour vp­on him A capo a pie: and like a Porter hyred by Mars, ha's his Musket on one shoulder, and his Halberd on the to­ther, his sworde there, and his great bumme dagger here, with two boxe hilts, a man may boyle two ioynts of meate in them, and at his back hee bore his bow and shafts; thus is hee accou­tred if he goe Iohn Fisti­cankots, Aiax his sonne and heyre, accord­ing to the pe­digree drawne by Peter de qui, in his Ca­talogus Duns­or. Ioannens. lib. 2. Cap. 17. but to my neighbour Iohns, hee must haue his mooueables about him. If hee meete any man that will not giue him the wall; catzo del dia­blo, slaue, drawe, or prepare thy selfe to kisse my pumpe, for the resarciation of mine honour. They neuer make any iourney forth, but they eyther bring blowes home, or leaue some behinde them. If one chance to kill his enemy, hee feedes vpon him immediatly, for they eate raw flesh altogether, and drinke warme bloud, and this is the best esteemed fare.

[Page 164] They haue no lawes, but all goes by might and maine. Hee that is wronged, either reuengeth his owne wrong, or else hee may go home sitte him downe, and so turne ouer the leafe & sing: All the rules they follow is but one and that is this, Conquer and possesse.

If you haue any minde to reuenge a wrong, to regaine what was your owne, or to take from another, you may call him to the field at any time, and he must come, or loose his estate. If any come to interrupt yee, and so begin a sedition all that remaine vnslaine, are forth-with forfaited to furnish the Dukes shambles, which crafty lawe doth both suppresse conspiracies, that were otherwise very likely to bee daily practised vpon the state, and also furnisheth the Dukes ta­ble in farre greater aboundance, and at farre lesse charges. The chiefe seate of the Duke is called Built iust after the forme of Tangir in Africa. Fierce-fooliangir, a great citie, but it is built onely of wood-worke, the Duke would not haue it otherwise, that hee might the better (vpon iust cause giuen) set iron fire, and [Page 161] so burne cittie and cittizens when his pleasure is. It is inhabited with none but Tinkers, Black-smiths, & Butchers, in whose shops you shall as commonly see legges of men hang vp, as here with vs you shall finde pestels of Porke, or leggs of Veale. Through this citty runs the riuer Furieuse, with a course like a torrent, which in winter they say will be exceeding hotte (aboue your fountaines in frost) and giueth vp vnwholesome fumes. Hard by it stands the Dukes Pal­lace, on the top of an exceeding high hill, called Mount Scalpe, and it is repor­ted how it is growne to this height one­ly by the multitude of dead mens heads that haue beene throwne on an heape continually in this place. The Dukes Pallace is built of brick, very strong, yet liueth hee in a continuall suspect of his subiects loyaltie, and had rather trust his owne Iron gates, then their glassie obe­dience Hee hath a guard of 10000. Eps, ware, Things, and Welsh Dauie, were whi [...]om of his gard, as I was credibly enformed by such as knew. Hacksters, who are ministers both to his furie and gluttony. If any stranger come heere, that knoweth not how all goeth, [Page 162] he is presently seazed vpon, & his head presented to the Duke for picking meat at supper, which hee holdeth more deli­cate, and hunteth more after, then euer did Vitellius after the Sueton in Vitelio. Phoenicopters tongues, or Lampreyes intrailes. Hee li­kens a Negro to a Thrush, and a white man to a Quaile; but such as dye onely to doe his gutts seruice, are farre bet­ter vsed then the rest, for they (as Diod. Si­cul. Olympias offered Euridice) haue their choice what way they will dye, whether being hangd or beheaded.

The most famous mount in all this Pallace, is the Inquisition chappell, they call it Saint Shambles: dedicated vnto the powers infernall, whose statues stand all therein, in horrible figures, wrought all with Ieatt and Corall, and these doe they offer their orisons vnto. Here might you behold all the sorts of deaths and tortures possibly to bee deuised: Wheeles, Iibbets, Hatchets, Halters, Swords, Clubbes, and rusty Pistols, so old, that I dare passe my worde for the Chinians, they will confesse that they [Page 163] had their first Gunnes from hence. A thousand Altars are in this Chappell, fuming with continuall sacrifices to the Deuill, and the Duke, offering the soule to appease the furie of the first, and the body to satiate the couetousnesse of the later; and for the bloud, they haue a certaine Arte to keepe that from con­gelation, and so caske it vp like Aligant, for the Dukes owne weasand. Through the middest of this chappell runneth a channell called Nastie, and downe that, they scowre all the filth of the bloud­stained pauement.

These men doe neuer goe, but runne altogether, and generally you shall not misse to take them all on a sweat. But there are two strange things, and worthy obseruation in this countrie, the first is, you shall not finde one man in this whole region, but hee is either lame in body, or deformed in face: which the more scarres that it beares, the more beauty it is held to adde vnto the bearer: and the second is, that a man of three score yeares old, is here held for [Page 164] a miracle. For it is more then extraordi­nary for any of them to attaine to the middle age of man, they are flesht so young.

Neere to the heart of the countrie is a fenne called Full-gall, as large and as fa­mous as euer was the ancient Meotis, now called Ortel. or [...] della Ta­ [...]a: Bellonius [...]ch the Ita­ [...]ans, call it [...]ar Bianco. [...] Scythia it is [...] Ca [...]pa­ [...], as Tzetz [...] [...]. Mar delle Sabacche: The water of it is of a deepe yellow to the eye, and most bitter to the taste: it ouer­floweth the bounds very often (but at no sett times) and some-times drownes the most part of Cholerikoye: that which it doth drowne, the sulphurous nature of the water doth burne, as Phaetons ill-guided waggon did the whole world: and at these times do all the inhabitants bottle vp this water, imagining that be­ing drunke it annimateth their spirits vnto the most dangerous attempts. But here I would not haue my reader too credulous, for I haue this but by heare-say, by my faith sir I durst not goe to see if it were true or no, I rememberd that French-mans saying too wel, Il faut mena­ger la vie. This part of Fooliana was too [Page 165] dangerous a region for me to trauell: I staid at mine ease in Blockes-ford, and held it better to take this relation vpon cre­dence; then to confirme it with mine owne experience.

Fooliana the fond. CHAP. 6.

THis part of Fooliana is both the lar­gest and the most ancient of all the rest: the inhabitants of it affirme them­selues to haue been created in this coun­try, before any other part of the world was peopled: so that is held the Had not our first pa­rents [...] fooles, in [...] not beene [...] but now it is▪ mo­ther of all nations, as Blocks-ford is of cit­ties. It lieth in the very middest of all the rest, as the nauell of this goodly body. On the South it hath Fooliana the craggy: on the East, the Fickle: on the West, the Deuoute: and on the North, the Fatt. The south part of it is called Cocks-combaya, peopled with slouthfull & flegmatique inhabitants; but the northren part ther­of is possessed by more industrious and actiue spirits. Had I not beheld the strange behauiours of this stupid sort of [Page 166] people with mine eyes, I should neuer haue beleeued that nature had bestowed so diuine a gift as reason vpon such bru­tish creatures. For all those that border vpon Fooliana the craggie, goe directly like beasts vpon all foure, nor doe they know (silly things) any other way of go­ing. There is no house in all this part of the country: because the inhabitants neither can build any them-selues, nor dare aduenture to come into any that are built by others, least they should fall vpon their heads. There are euery yeare great multitudes of them starued, and stormed to death, in that they can nei­ther make ready their meate, nor frame themselues apparell, nor beds: nay they can scarcely speake true sence: not a man of them that knowes his owne fa­ther, nor his owne sonne, nor wife: nor how to returne the same way he came: nor how to distinguish a Beare from a Sheepe, or a Lion from a whelpe. Nay you haue of them that cānot tel whether they should put their meate in at their mouth, at the nosthrils, at their eares, or [Page 167] at some other more vnseasonable hold. finally, to be briefe imagine but that you saw a Camane Asse in an humaine shape, and such an one is a true Cockscombayan.

Of Asse-sex. Sect. 2.

ASse-sex Assex in Fooliana is larger then our three sexes in Eng­land here, Essex, Middlesex & Suffix. the Northerne part of Fooliana the fond, is some-what bet­ter furnished with wit, and worthier of a trauellers presence and obseruation. The people hold themselues wonderful wise, and professe the search of natures most abstruse effects: neuer leauing till they haue drawne one reason or other, from the very depth of inuestigation. They haue but one eye a peece: They are not borne so, but the parents at the childs birth plucks out the other, as being of no vse in nature, in that when the one eye is shut, the other hath a more strong facul­tie to discerne. Part of this nation go all naked, to auoid the labour of putting on & off: part of them haue houses, but with out either dores or walls, y t the fresh aire may haue the freer accesse: part of them build nests like birds in the highest trees, [Page 168] both to bee nearer heauen, and for their bodies exercise in climing vp to them; euery particular man of them hath both his peculiar opinion and profession. Am­bition & desire of glory draweth diuerse of them into most strange & incredible actions: you shall haue some going vp & down the streets on their heads & hands; & others flying about with wings made of wax & fethers, you would verily ima­gine that The two winged bre­thren sonnes vnto Boreas: they ridd Phi­neus of the Harpyes. Zetus and Calain were come againe from the dead, if you but beheld how boldly these fellowes dare trust their wings with their necks.

Others, like your Italian Mount-bankes, draw the people together to see y t effects of some rare vnguento, distilled water, or some strange engine: others, out of the basest of mettals, by a secret art (and that by S t. Patrike a gainfull one too) can draw the purest gold. But in faith it is worth the laughing at, to see the toylesome fol­lie of these extractors: they are guld, and guld, and terrible guld yet can they not finde in their hearts to giue ouer. A sort of them of late (as I was infor­med) [Page 169] would needes to the Oracle, to know the euent of that weighty busi­nesse they had in hand. The Oracle pre­sently gaue thē this answere Libauius sets downe this rime of Alchimy. Alchymia est ars sine arte Cuius scire est parscum par [...]e, medium est strenue men­tiri. Finis, [...] dicatum [...]. Trauail­lez that is, take paines. Pho, home come they as if they had gotten their God in a boxe: and forward they goe with their circulations, their sublimations, their coniunctions, their fermentations, till all this head-lesse action ended in putrefaction, vntill reputation and re­uenues were both dead and rotten.

Ariost. Orland. Furios.
Thus each man seekes, to be an Alchymist
Till all be gone, and he his number mist.

Whereas indeede the oracle gaue them better counsell then they could comprehend: Take paines, that is,

A mattock and a spade will get you gold▪
Sooner then Chymistry, a thousand fold.

Of the Cities of Cockscombaya and Asse-sex, and of Blocs-foord, the metropolitane sea. Sect. 3.

THE first Citty I light vpon in this country was Hollow-pate, a towne [Page 170] of good antiquity, and well contriued: but it affordes no rarityes, and there­fore I leaue it and passe on to Bable-dock, a corporation most worthely famous for the wisedome of the Aldermen. These men a little before my arriuall, held a sitting vpon this occasion. They skie was verie cloudy, and raine was generallie feared on all sides: the Ma­ior calls a bensh, and fell to consulta­tion, how to dispell the feared sho­wer.

The first mans aduise was to ring out all the bells of the towne: another ad­uised them to burne stinking sauour in the open streetes (as the Italian women doe to driue away tempests): At length, the grauest Foolianders opinion was demanded, who arising, told them in plaine tearmes, their policy was vn-auaylable, and that the onelie quirke to fetch ouer this perempto­rie storme, was to suffer all the mois­ture to fall that those bigge faced cloudes contained, and by that meanes (and by no other) the tempest would [Page 171] bee so braue (seeming to haue no resis­tance) that as Hanniball did at Capua, it would ruine it selfe or euer it were a­ware: was this an idle plotte? no be­leeue it: the whole bensh liked it and allowed it. Twitlecome twattes, wis­dome is not sworne to sitte in Europe onlie.

The very Venus, The Author had this des­cription from an experien­ced Geogra­pher, or Foo­liander. the eye, the lustre of all Citties terrestriall, is here sea­ted: Ciuitas Angelorum? Why tis a verie Peticoate Lane, a Pease-market hill to it: The name of it is Blocks-foorde: for site, it standeth partlie vpon a plas­hie plaine, and part vpon a little moun­taine: both of them lying in the descent, Northward: farre from any wood, or any riuer.

The vpper part of the towne serues the lower with snow water, and the lo­wer doth the like for the vpper with spring water, mary that is of Iohn a Cragges standing. There are in the whole circumference of the walles iust sixeteene gates, wherein (according to the intent of the founders) it exceedes [Page 172] all citties of the world, by foure.

The geometricall forme therof is nei­ther circular, nor ouall, but of a meane proportion betweene a Cylinder, Spell the mea­ning. and a renuersed Pyramide, iust like vnto the portraiture of a mans body. What now? are your vnderstandings vn-aquainted with such a geometrical draught as this? why then you are but Scioccoes, & neuer saw Belgia in the forme of a Lyon, Ita­ly of a leg, Morea, of a plaine tree leafe, Spaine, of an Oxe-hide, the West Indies, of a fishes lunges, nor all Europe in the shape of an Empresse. Hee that hath seene these, and shal but view this towne (as he cannot lightly choose) must needs avow directly, that he beholds the linea­ments either of some Colossus, laid all a­long, or else of Prometheus, as hee lieth bound vpon mount So doth Theuet call Caucasus. Adazar▪ The market place is on the hills toppe: for that it is the head of the citty, and so administers life and sence to the re­sidue.

But (honest Reader) if thou consider but the toyle that the poore porters [Page 173] endure by both horse and foote, whilest they lugge vppe all necessaries, euen hogs-heads of beare and wine against the steepe descent of the hil: Vpon mine honest word I know not whether I should bidde thee laugh or lie downe: thou woldest sweare thou wert in hell, and saw an hundred Sisiphi at once, row­ling so many restlesse stones. And when they are gotten halfe vp the hill (nay by Saint Loye sir, perhaps almost to the top) with halfe an hogs-head of sweate vpon their quarters: then (beshrew that then, may they say) down comes another bar­rel, which hauing y e vpper ground, holds it selfe the better man, and laies all the poore mens labour in the durt, and that not without endaungering them­selues.

On this mountaines toppe, the Mag­nificoes, and the whole Signioria of the Cittie haue their habitations, to the end that the whole towne may lie as a fitter obiect to their prospect: this, as I sayd, resembleth the head of the towne: down from thence you descend a narrow [Page 174] which resembles the neck of this head, and this is inhabited onely with Serie­ants, Beadles, Deputy-constables, and Hangmen, and other ex­ecutioners. Derick-iastroes. From the lower end of this street, do two other extend them­selues on either side, expressing the armes and hands in mans bodie, and these are peopled (but slenderly God hee knowes) with handicrafts men, but not ouer many handicraftes maisters. The bulke of this fabrike lies in a broa­der streete, and here you haue all your Innes, Alehouses, Tauernes and Hoste­rians whatsoeuer, and these haue houses downe to the very loynes, where (as mine author affirmes, but I was neuer so farre in the towne) they keepe the Burdello.

Here indeed (saith hee) dwell the Co­catrices, the Roffianaes, the Makquerells, & all those This is a mataphor that needes no glosse. ancient fish wiues that sell Ruffes, Mackrell and Whiting-mops what­soeuer; and then if you descend a little further, (all in one parish) you come into A Iakes farmers bur­den in the night is called a Bride, as I haue heard. Bride-streete, and there haue all the Scauingers, Scoure-Aiaxes, and eleauen [Page 175] a clocke Perfumers, tagge and ragge: this is called the Draffe-sacke of the Ci­tie: The legges and feete of the towne are boxes to the Ragmans Rolles of Porters and Panier-ists: and here your poore Traueller is (now and then) full faine, to take vp an hourely roost, bee his pennie neuer so good siluer. I am seges est vbi Troia fuit. Swine-troughes and Sepulchers are some-times sworne acquaintance. But Parcius ista viuis. Tamen obij­cienda memen­to.

The houses of this towne (faire though it bee) haue none of them any foundation: for what alledge they? had not wee rather giue honest bu­riall to the harmelesse stones, then teare them out of their graues? hold yee con­tent my friends, this is no laughing matter.

The Magnificoes build their houses of a statelie forme, and a loftie: to bee thereby the nearer to the skie, and the more eleuate from this vnrefined garbe of terrestrial conuersation. Their houses are all passinglie well Muro bian­co carto di matto. A white wall is a fooles booke. painted within, [Page 176] especially with the names of their an­cestry, their guests, and acquaintance, gracefully delineate with coale and candle.

Of the Burguemasters of Blosk-foord. Sect. 4.

THE Gran-dunsonioes (for so the Bur­guemaisters will haue themselues enstiled) of Blocks-foord, whilest I was there, held a Parliament about matter of state, in generall and in speciall, a­bout the securing, beautifiing, and ad­uancing the weale-publike of their City of Blocks-foord. Euery one gaue vp his opinion, according to that which see­med to him most commodious. One would aduise them to cut a conuenient hauen through the mountaines (though it were some fiue hundred miles from the sea, a matter of small charge you know) for shippes to traffique to the towne by: he wanted no store of exam­ples from other cities, whose glory [Page 177] stoode wholy vpon the ritches they rea­ped by the sea.

A second presently rises, and clearing his fore-head from furrowes, confutes all that euer the former had affirmed, shewing withall, how dangerous a thing it was to repose any confidence in such an inconstant and vnsatiate element: nor wanted hee examples at full, of citties that lay buried in the seas deuouring wombe. Well, vp rises a third: and hee would haue the rarest conduites made that euer were deuised, and bring the water vp in pipes from the valley to the hills toppe; a thing as possible, as could be thought vpon, seeing that euery man seeth the water in fountaines to bubble vp voluntarily, and striue vpwards of the owne accord, and wanting meanes to containe it to ouerflow the whole plaine about it: and againe, when the wa­ter runnes downe the kennell, doe yee plainely, that one part driues another forward? as plaine as day. Well, for all that, this will not fadge with the fancies of the bensh. Speake another: one doth [Page 178] so: and his speech tends to the raysing of an high mountaine about the cittie, for these subsequent vses.

First that the whole world might not haue notice of the actions of the Blocks­fordians, especially of the Grandunsoni­oes. Second, that the cittie therby might be more augmented and fortified. Third that there might be better auoidance of cold, by the warme seating of the Citty within so high a mount: and for the mount it selfe, those that dwelt below should digge it out of the valley, and lay it togither. And then should there be a­bridge built from that vnto the next mount, by which the citty should bee furnished with necessaries. But then steps vp another, and smiling, asked how it were possible that a valley should bring forth a mountaine, but to allow a possibility of that, to suffer a bridge to be built were meere indiscretion: for if a carriage, or a traueller should stumble or loose foote-hold thereon, there were no way in the world for you but death, yea and that (which is worse) with the [Page 179] breaking of a legge or an arme: no, as for my small experience in state affaires (quoth hee) I would rather aduise thus (graue Grandunsonians) to enterprise a matter which to effect is not labori­ous, and yet being effected, shall prooue most glorious: so that beeing propoun­ded, I know that the well-willers of the state cannot choose but approue it: and thus it is.

Euery man according to his ability and the size of his house, shall erect a spire vpon the toppe thereof, and vpon the toppe, of that, shall aduance a Cock (vulgarlie tearmed a weather-cocke) of brasse, or siluer, with a combe of gould, or Gold smiths worke: and this shall bee mooueable, to follow and ex­presse the changes of the winde: Now in euery spire I would haue a clocke to strike hourelie: which beeing once fully performed, O what pathetique spi­rit can expresse the reduplicate delight shall from hence redound both to the eye and the eare: to see such a bright fulgor of lof [...]ie spires, and to heare [Page 180] such a sweete clangor of harmonious bells. He had not shut his mouth, before the whole house opens, in acclamation to his proiect, so grauely, and statesman like propounded: And so they rose, to see it performed according to the intent of such a ponderous aduise: So that hee that shall in his trauell hereafter, arriue at this Cittie, shall finde it in farre more gorgeous estate then it was my happe to behold it in, let him assure him selfe of that, for I sawe some of the broaches raysed ere I depar­ted.

Of the Marquisate of Spen­dall-ezza. Sect. 5.

NEere vnto Blocks-foord lieth the Marquisate of Spendallezza, a coun­trie whilom most ritch, and of ancient and honorable memory, but now tis quite gone downe the winde: nor ob­serued I any thing in it worthy obserua­tion [Page 181] but a forrest called Actaeon was eaten vp by dogs, that is, he spent his estate vpon them▪ Actaeons Dogs, Dice, and Ha [...]kes, the three obiects of prodiga­li [...]y. Dogkennell, an eight square citty, called Hey-dice, and an other little corporation called Haukes-peartch. The inhabitants are the only spenders vnder the moone: they do nothing in the word, but inuent how to spend with the best garbe: Some vpon dogges, some vpon haukes, or kites for a need: some vpon a paire of Iuorye Cubes, or abunsh of speckled past­boards, and thus flie their patrimonies: and when all is gone but the cloathes, farewell they also, the dise or the brokers are their ordinary cope-men; alas poore Gentlemen, what's a man but his pleasures? But whether this Mar­quisate belong to Fooliana the Fond or the Fatte, that I cannot resolue yee in, who soeuer ought it of yore, at this day I am sure it is not in the hands of the olde maisters; It may bee there haue beene some Lawiers, or some Vsu­rers in this Country in times past, but now farewell they.

When these new inhabitants haue cast all their whole estate ouer-boord, [Page 182] then they doe either retire vnto other mens tables; or else are maintained at the publike charge. And here is that ancient modell of Cole-harbour, bea­ring the name of The Brodigalls Promon­torie, and beeing as a Sanctuary vnto banque-rupt detters: hether flie all they for refuge that are cast at lawe, or feele themselues insufficient to satifie their deluded Creditors: any of whome, if they pursue their debters hetheb, and force them from their protection whe­ther they wil or no, they are immediate­lie accused as guiltie of sacriledge and so are throwne head long from the higher tower in all the territorie; and when they rise from their fall, can no way complaine of any iniustice, but haue vnder gone the ancient law of the whole Marquisate.

Those of this countrie that haue any sonnes, assigne them their full patrimo­nie ere nature allow them any bearde: and in case they die before this time, they leaue all their estate vnto their wiues to dispose as they list afterwards, [Page 183] without any respect of progenie: But if they haue the fortune to burie their wiues, then doe they lauish out more vpon their funeralls, then would serue for a dowrie vnto the fowlest of their daughters.

Sect. 6.

BEtweene this Marquisate and Fooli­ana the fatte, lieth another nation called Or flatter itan [...]a▪ Clawback-ourt, peopled with the strangest monsters that euer man beheld. They beare euery one [...]n one hood. two faces, and speake with two tongues: carrying the shapes of To sooth, and to back­bite. Apes vpon their formost partes, and all behinde of Dogges: so that they seeme to bee a confused composition of Man, Ape, and Dogge. That there are such monsters, let reuerend Munster serue as a testimonie, who describeth cer­taine Indian people that are partly thus formed.

This Nation, it seemes, is borne to seruitude: the greatest part of [Page 184] them doe make themselues voluntarie slaues vnto the Magnificoes of Fooliana the fatte, which borders vpon their countrie. And albeit they bee so sot­tish, that of their owne heads they can enterprise nothing praise-worthie: Yet can they imitate, and counterfeite any action they see done before them, the world has not the like, for forging such exact resemblances.

They neuer weare attire, neuer speake word, neuer doe deed, but they see or heare the like before they goe a­bout it. Whilest, I was there, they hal­ted all vpod one legge; and went spit­ting and spawling all the daie longe, because that Signior Tickle-eare, their gouernor, of late had hurt his foote, and with all, was troubled with an olde pockie Catarrhe. They are most of them Barbers, Taylers, Pandars, & procurers: There are also by report, some gallant courtiers amongst them: But how so euer, your Spanish Mimike is a meere ninni­hammer vnto these Clawbakc-ourtiers, take them as generally as you can. [Page 185] Speake but, or looke but vpon one of them; and yee shall presently haue him kisse his hand, cringe in the hamme, lick his two yeards of dust, and with a labori­ous Congee, like an Eccho, bandy the last word you spake, all the roome about, and with an applauding fleere, returne vppon you with all the gratious termes his gorge can possibly vent; together with an whole Heralds office of Titles, and top-heauie Exellentiaes, and then putting his lips together with another Bascio dalli mani, stand houering at your next speach, to heare how his last stood to your liking. Then do but you approue him, and talke on, and whatsoeuer you say (bee it scarcely sence) shall into his tables, as a more then humaine conceit; as a very oracle. Then will hee-stand with his eye fixt on the skyes, and adore you (as a drunkard doth Bacchus) vpon all foure.

They acknowledge no God but the man whom they make choise to serue, and him they obserue with more prayers, sacrifices and adorations then any Idol [Page 186] would exact. Now all this they do with one of their mouthes onely: marry there is not a word comes out of this mouth, but the other, (their dogges mouth) doth forth-with secretly retract, and dis­claime. And thus much for their condi­tions.

The first Cittie in this Region, is called In English it is Praise [...]all. Tutto-lodanie of faire and sight affecting structure: but so slight­lye built, that there is no hope it should continue: it is much enriched by the trafficke which it hath by the meanes of the riuer of Fiction, and againe, verye much endamaged by the same riuer, through often and seuerall inun­dations.

Neere vnto this towne standeth a village, called Tongue-walke, the inhabi­tants whereof are neuer well but when they are talking. This village stands at the foote of a mountaine that rises along as farre as Tickling-streete, another fa­mous borough, where the townes-men keepe themselues continually employed in chasing of laughters. Close vnto [Page 187] this, lyeth that pleasant valley called Soothing-dale, at the farther end whereof there is a Marish, called Scoffe-stowe Fenne, which reacheth downe along as farre as Shame-stead, a towne of in­famous note: whether they vse to bannish all their Wizards, and all those whome they call Bashfull modestie is a foe to flattery. Bashfull-apians.

Of Fooliana the fatte. CHAP. 7.

THIS Region, compared eyther for wealth or pleasure with all the Regions of this Southerne conti­nent, exceeds them all: and were it as wealthy as it maketh shew of, I make a great question whether the whole Northren worlde could finde a countrey to parallell it: but indeede the people thereof doe generallye faigne to haue what they haue not, and to amplifie by their braues that which they haue indeed.

[Page 188] There is a double ledge of Moun­taines extended some sixtie Germaine miles in length on either side, betweene which lieth a plaine, full as iong, and this is Fooliana the fatte: through which, the riuer of Sound, a goodly current, hath his course, almost encircling the whole plaine. The reader may soone conceiue what a goodly ranke of Cities are seated on the Mountaines sides, hauing the prospect ouer such a fertile plaine, so delicately watred and diuided into such a many cantons, all fraught with fatte pastures, and spacious champians. The neatnesse of the Cities in this tracte, excells their number; yet are they but of a slender manner of building, & though their outward formes promise all deco­rum, yet when you are within you shall not finde ouer-much good order.

At the mouth of the passage through the Rhodomantadian Mountaines, stand­eth the Citie Hydalgo, otherwise called Like Ma­dril in Spaine. Braggadrill: proudly built, but beg­gerly stated: and neare vnto this, is Back-bitembourg, a towne that may be mother [Page 189] to the dirty streetes of Paris. By this towne is a Rock of incredible height, (and of as incredible note) called Break-neck-cliffe: not much different from the Peakes crag in England. It is as broad at the top as at the bottome: and yet so steepe, that it beareth the former rather of a towre built by mans hand, then any meere worke of nature. And this Rocke is as famous for a place of execution here, as euer the Tarpeian cliffe was in Rome.

On the other side of this famous hill, hath the Cittie of Bawdesden hir seate: this towne hath beene oftener on fire then euer was olde Rome: partly through the negligence of the Citizens, and partly through the aptnesse to take fire, that is in the Bitumen, which they vse in their buildings in steed of Lime. Adioyning vnto this is another Cittie called Punkes-nest, built all of Flint, and the hardest Cement that can be deuised. And then a little further in, towards the frontires of Idle-bergh, lie those large mountaines, commonly called Hollyday-Hills, [Page 190] where the people keepe continuall reuells, and sitt in iudgement vpon such as obserue any working-dayes: two cit­ties there are vpon these hills, Games­ware and Merry-cum-twang: and on the East side of these two, the riuer of Sound falls into the riuer of Idle, making three or foure Hands, Skip-free Iles the Inha­bitants called them where the peoples continuall exercise is in dancing vnto the sound of musicall instruments.

The qualitie and condition of the people. Sect. 2.

EVery particular man in this Coun­trie, auouches himselfe at least a Gentleman borne: and most of them are able to shew a pedegree of ten thou­sand yeares long before euer the world was created. You shall haue them shew yee large galleries all drawne with their lineall and colaterall descents, and yet when all comes to all, their neighbours [Page 191] are able to prooue, that they had Cob­lers, carters, or coster-mongers to their Grand-fathers. Nor is there any of their more select Gentilitie, but hath his countrie Farmes, three or foure, leased out vnto his Viliacoes, his retai­ners, and those are commonly Claw­back-courtiers.

The Quasi senza lode, vnworthy of praise. Sennaladij, their best sort of Gentlemen, doe content them-selues with the poorest fare that euer atten­ded a fasting day: yet some of them per­haps at the yeares end, will make a feast, which for excesse of preparation, and multitude of guests, will giue an end to the bidders whole reuenues: but all the yeare after hee will so defraude his barking stomacke, that many of them (I assure you it is true,) doe de­stroye themselues through meere hun­ger. Others of them lett the guttes grone neuer so lowde, neuer respect the belly, but clappe all they can scrape vppon the backe: yet will they neyther acknowledge nor confesse their defect of belly-timber, but quite [Page 192] contrary, wheresoeuer you meete them about dinner time, you shall haue them go brushing of their beards, and picking of their teeth; as if they were newly come from the death of an whole de­luge of seuerall dishes. There is none of them hath so much either money or land, as his cloake and sword would purchase; nor any of them that keepes not aboue an hundred Mange­guadagnos: so the Italians cal their seruants▪ Munch-gaines, (for so they call their seruants) yet haue they nothing in the world but they pay interest for it (no man will lend them a quatrine vpon their credites) in so much that I haue knowne diuerse of them hire their apparrell at the Brokeria, onely for foure and twenty houres. Nay I knew one of them build his horse a stable fit­ter for a Kings horse then his: adorning it with farre-fetched Marble, nay and en­chasing the walls and pillers with Iuory, and he himselfe meane while fatte war­ming of his heeles in a poore little, straw-thatched cottage.

They giue themselues As he did who demand­ing lodging at a meane Inne, and being as­ked what hee was: Our name quoth he is Hernan­do Gonzales Ri [...]adeneira de Toledo. By my troth sir (quoth the Hostesse) wee haue not beds enow for so many. tedious long names, and delight vnmeasurably [Page 193] to haue their country and their alliance mentioned in their stiles, adding such compositions, and reduplications vnto their prolixe titles, that to recite them with one breath is a thing directly im­possible Estridge fethers are deare with them, as Rushian furres are with vs. Some of them vse to hang siluer bells at their heeles, by the noyse whereof they may attract the peoples eyes vppon their gracefull carriage as they passe the streetes.

Those few of them that cannot deny their births to be base, are neuerthelesse of as haughtie spirits as the rest. I re­member I read this distich ouer one of their dores.

Misero quello, chi di persona vile,
Nasce di cor magnanimoe gentile!
O wretched he, that hauing had his birth
From a braue spirit, basely affecteth earth!

One thing I maruelled at aboue all the rest, as I lawfully might: There are few of this nation that liue by meate, or [Page 194] by drinke, but altogether vpon the fume of a certaine herbe; which they take in smoake at their mouths, and giue it out at their noses, resembling the fumes of so many Brewers chimneys. I know not certainly whether they had this from the Indians, or the Indians from them. I [...] is reported, that one Rollo Warallador, an vngodly fellow of this country (though one of good place) was taught the in­uention of this wicked vapour by an Indian deuill: yet some affirme that the Indians of the Torrid Zone inuented the same to make themselues black within, disliking vtterly to haue their inner parts of one colour, and their outward of an­other. But this I am sure of once, that though it fill the nostrils, it empties the coffers, or that many good patrimonies haue by this meanes gone in snuffe out of their owners noses: that smoakt so long in fume, till all the satte was in the fire, and all the fire out of the Kitchin.

In all the Cities, especially in Baudes­den and Punkes-nest, euery other house keepes sale Trugges or Ganymedes, all [Page 195] which pay a yearly stipend for the li­cence they haue to trade. It is very law­full to deale with these vpon any condi­tions you can make with them; it is no shame for a man to salute his Cockatrice, (I and to do more too, to kisse her) in the very market place, yea euen before his wife; nay you shall haue some of them will make their wiues obserue their hu­mors with all seruiceable attendance.

The Paradise of Fooliana the Fatte. Sect. 3.

THere is not in all Fooliana, (no nor I doubt in the whole world) so rare and stupendious a monument, as is the Paradise of Fooliana the fatte: a worke worthy all admiration, it is worthy both the toile & the cost of all trauellers, but once to behold it. You shall a farre of, behold a shining mountaine, all of pure gold (for so it is, or so it seemes, and thats as good) framed (as it is repor­ted) in old time by arte Chymicall: yet if any one come to trie the goodnesse of [Page 196] the mettall by instrument, it falles all into dust; if by fire it ascends all in smoake. On the top of this mountaine there standeth a castle all of Christall; not wrought by any arte of humane power, say the inhabitants: but the Goddesse Fortuna fauet fatuis, is not so old as true. Fortune, being (vpon some distast giuen vnto the court of the gods) banished from heauen, set vp her rest here, and built this as a second, and ter­restriall heauen. And from hence shee spreads her goodnesse through the world: here shee sitts giuing all aboun­dance that the most credulous seruant she hath, can possibly expect: nay be his expectation constant, he cannot choose but obtaine it. Hether doe men and wo­men flock, from all the nations of the earth, but especially from Fooliana the Deuoute: there is not one (almost) high or lowe, in the whole world, but hath seene this mount and ascended it. Men talke of Our Lady of Loretto, Saint Iames of Compostella, our Lady of Walsingham, Hall, and Sichem, they are desert and de­solate places in respect of this: here the [Page 197] pilgrims lye prostrate in the valley, in deuoute expectation of the Goddesses call, as thick as euer haile-stones lay in high wayes after a frostie storme: nor may any man liuing approach the ascent of the hill, vntill such time as the priests of the castle do hang out the white ban­ner, & that is a signe that the Goddesse is pleased they shall ascend: and then they crie all with one voice, making the skies rebound againe, The Ita­lians crie so, vnuailing of the picture of our Lady of Lore [...]to. Madona Scoper­ta, and then run that run may, one ouer another, euery one crying out of the straightnesse of the passage vp. Nor will the worst man there giue place to the best, so that some-times you shall haue them scold one with another, like so ma­ny inhabitants of Ram-Alley: and some­times to it by th'eares, with dry blowes, euery one in the company thrusting on him that is before him, & flouting them that are behind. Heere did I see certaine of them that durst not venter vpon the crowd, growne euen hoarie with expec­tation, and yet had not meanes to get vp the hill. But what doe they that get vp? [Page 198] faith, desire to haue, called them toge­ther, & hope holds them together, each one praying that it would bee the God­desses pleasure to grant him his desires▪

You shall haue one praying for the at­tainment of his way-ward loue: another, only that it would please Fortune to send him a wife that were no shrew: a third for honors, & a fourth for ritches, euery man as hee likes, and there yee shall haue twenty praying for vnckles deaths, & as many for the burial of thus many church men, that he may passe from reuersion to possession of this or that fatte benefice. There sat one king-like fellow at the gate & he (they said) sued for the next monar­chy: & by him sat a crue of ill-faced wen­ches, & their suite was for beauty: there was an old wife also, with as many oake trees in her mouth as teeth, & she expec­ted to be restored to her youth againe, & a many more sutors (you must thinke) then I could take note of. Now the signe of admission being giuen (as I said) vp the hill go all that can go, not on their feete (for that were sacriledge) but vpō hands and knees, & with great reuerēce I war­rant [Page 199] ye. Being gotten to the midway, one of the priest intertains them courteously & inquires euery particular mans name and country, which when he heareth, he proclaimeth it with as lowd a voice as euer had A fellow in Homer [...] had a voice a­lowd as fiftie mens. Stentor, partly to giue notice vnto his fellowes, and the Goddesse her selfe, what guests were arriued, & partly by this means inquiring y e deity of them, to know ere they come any neerer, whe­ther they come with the faith and purity which is required: for if you come guilty of any heauy crimes, shee hangs out her red banner, in signe that you must be re­moued into the cloisters, where he must be kept til he be able to salute her with a purer soule and passe the residue of the iourney with a lighter purse. But if the goddesse like you at first, the Priest giues you a leaden token, & so lets you passe: mary withall hee speakes these 3. words in your eare ere you passe; Beleeue, Expect and Hope: and so God buoy. On go you as cheerfull as a Pie, vntill you come at an Iron threshold, a little below the steps that ascend to the Castle gate: vpon which Iron this distich is written: [Page 200]

Sannazer.
Fortunam si auidè vorare pergas,
Illam vt male concoquas necesse est.

Who swalloweth Fortune ere he chew it,
Through ill disgestion needs must rew it.

The Castle gates are kept by a rigorous porter: yet money will make him do any thing: the entrie is so narrow, that it seemes to be rather an hole then a gate: but after you are crept once in, then shal you see an house more like an heauenly habitation then an earthly. All pearle & gold, whose lustre dazels the eie to looke vpon it, and whose external view promi­seth no lesse then the height of happi­nesse, I omit to speake of the forme of the temple, the priests habits, orders & offi­ees: these, for breuities sake, I wittingly ouer-passe. At length when you haue viewd all (for you must needs bestow a little time to gaze vpon this pile of admi­ration) comes another of the Flamines to you, and taking you by the hand (hauing first blind-folded you with a linnē cloth) he leads you through a hūdred turnings, indeed whether hee lists, but as fond mē beleeue, into the temple of this good [Page 201] Goddesse, whom mortall eyes must not behold, and therefore are you muffled. Well, now you must coutch, and kisse the sacred pauement: and lie so with­out once moouing, vntill the Goddesse call you by your name, and, then aske boldly what you list: doe but effect what she commands without delay, or distrust, and were your request neuer so hard, it should bee fulfilled. Well, but what end of all this ceremonious obser­uation, say you? By my troth a ridicu­lous one, able to mooue the gentlest spleene aliue. They are all singularlie, and ingeniously con-icatcht, men and women, rarely fetcht ouer, and with arts Quintessence: and yet for all that, this art is so secret, that though no man passe this triall, that is not made an Asse, yet euery one had rather blame his owne slothfulnesse or incredulity, then once glance at any imperfection in the power of the Goddesse. Well, hauing propounded your petition, (suppose it bee honour) the Goddesse assents to it, most gratiouslie, commanding the [Page 202] suppliant, first after some houres, to take the holie potion, whereby his spirit may bee the better adopted vnto the ensu­ing felicity: and then, to lay him downe againe vntill shee called him the se­cond time: which if hee doe but due­lie obserue, hee shall assuredly be crow­ned with his full wishes, to continue enstalled in happinesse for euer: and to haue euer the same cause to bee gratefull vnto the Goddesse for her hea­uenly beneficence.

It passeth; the suppliant taketh the cuppe and drinkes it off: praysing to his owne thoughts the drinkes delici­ous taste, beeing vtterlie ignorant that it is onelie a potion made of pop­pie, opium, lettuce, and other such procurers of sleepe: but the effect is the triall; hee has not beene an houre after hee hath taken it, but downe lies hee in a sleepe, yee may turne the house out at the windowe, (if yee can) and neuer awake him: and then is hee haled vppe and downe the pallace like a dead carcasse by the buriers, [Page 203] and when they haue laught at him till they bee a wearie, they lay him in a ritch bedde, in a Chamber like a Kings, all seeled with Iuory, and arched with golden pillers, all the Tables spread with couerings, the Arras of Campania, and the Tapistrie of Alexan­dria are but sacke-cloath to them.

And about the doore standes a com­panie of attendants, each in his gold-chaine at least, and all courtier-like ac­coutred, expecting when this The Mi­ [...]on of the Moone▪ he slept 40. years together ere euer hee awaked. Endymion iunior will awake, (which is commonlie some three daies af­ter,) who lifting vppe his head, bee­holdes all the roome with amazement, (as hee well may) and seeing all this faire companie of shining attend­ance, is wholie transformed with wonders: Whilest they in the meane­time approach all in order with a cere­monious reuerence to salute the awaked King: Health and happie daies to thy Sacred Maiestie, great King. King thinks hee? masse this is braue. What ap­parell will it please your Maiestie to [Page 204] weare to day? your sute of Golds-miths worke, your suite of tissue embrodered with Rubies, your cloth of gold doublet with the Carbuncle buttons, or your Pearle poudred cassock? I? tissues, Ru­bies, Carbuncles, cassockes? Heyda! my man's an Endymion indeede now, and will not change states with the man in the moone, he, for al his fulgid throne he sittes in. Well, ritch cloathes are brought him indeede, euery man helps this braue King, and as one saies.

Dant digitis gēmas, dāt longe monilia collo:
His hāds with sparkling gems they deck
And hang ritch chaines about his neck.

Set a diademe vpon his head adorned with Pearles of incredible greatnesse and lustree. All this goes well still, thinkes hee to himselfe: 'Tis time poore king, for thou hast eaten no meate this three daies. Get dinner readie. So sayd, so done: dinner was prepared, and serued vp, all in state, such raritie of seruices, such braue attendants such mirth and such melodie! Pho, [Page 205] nineteene muses cannot giue a man words to describe it. And thus they spend the whole daie, as time, yee know, will passe. Still my fine King thinkes all his owne, still. Well, night comes, vp with supper, and vp supper comes, with as ritch, nay ritcher purueyance & attendance then waited on the dinner: and for a conclusion to the feast, my maiesticall King has the tother draught giuen him of the holy potion, which presently locks vppe his sences in sleepe as profound as the former: And then my poore twelue-houres King, beeing as Virgill saies

Iam simul expletus dapibus, vino (que) sepultus,
Gorgd with good cheere and wrapt in sleepy wine.

Is caried out at a posterne, stript out of his tissues, his Rubies, and al his Gold-smiths worke, and re-invested in his old cloathes, (made somewhat more sluttish then they were before) and so laid out in the high way, for passengers to gaze [Page 206] vpon: where when hee awakes, hee falls into as great amazement as before; and remembring how glorious a blisse hee was enthroned in but yesterdaie, and finding himselfe now vtterlie depriued of all, Heu quò de­cidimus. hee falles a lamenting most ex­treamelie, miserablie deploring, and bit­terlie cursing either his owne sloath, that would not giue eare (as shee had charged him) to the Goddesses second call: or his grosse ingratitude, who being placed in so high a felicity, neglected to pay the good goddesse her due tribute of thankefulnesse. So away goes hee weep­ing and wayling with this word continu­ally in his mouth, Fuimus, Troes! I was whilome a braue man,! And exhorting all men to take example by him, neuer to bee negligent, neuer thankelesse, but to proceede with heed, and confidence, and obey what the goddesse enioyned, and then they could not faile of felicity. Such had I once (saith hee) but now, by mine owne onelie follie, I haue lost it all, euery part and parcell of my former greatnesse. Now euerie one that [Page 207] heareth him, thinkes this; I hope to take better heede then so; and they hood-winck themselues ere euer they come there.

Of Fooliana the Deuout. CHAP. 8.

VPon the westerne and part of the two Foolianaes, the Fat, and the Fond, lieth Fooliana the Deuout, a region fertile enough of it selfe, but through the in­habitants negligence, altogither vncul­tured. For whereas it is diuided into two Prouinces, Trust-fablia, and Secta­ryuoa, (the former beeing farre the lar­ger of the two) yet is it so wholie giuen ouer to a sort of rotten Ceremonies, that the Inhabitants thereof are all of this opinion, that one cannot doe God better seruice then in the vtter neglect of themselues. There are good store of pretty Hamblets in this prouince; there is Fragment, surnamed the mouldy, wonders-field, and within a little of them, [Page 208] Crepe-ham high crosse, Cringing-beck; and kissing-all-vp.

The borders of this nation are verie deserts to speake of, and haue scarcelie any inhabitants: some of the villages (for some villages there are, but very few) as Lentestow right-maw, Pilgrimes Inne, and Scourge-nock, are left almost vtterly desolate, but that they are once a yeare (at a set day) visited by some Venetians; otherwise their thresholds are worne by none but their owne countrimen.

And here I may not ommit one me­morable worke, erected vpon mount Bagnacauallo; it is a goodly, well contri­ued spittle, both for largenesse, and full furniture: it beareth the name of the Hospitall of incurable Foolianders, and was built at the publike charge of the whole countrie, and therevpon is maintained. The Proctor of it, at my beeing there, was one Thus was hee borne that wrote the Hospitall of incurable fool [...]s. Garzoni, an Italian, a man of good prouidence and discretion, and truelie hee hath desposed the almesmen in passing good methode and in decent order. Hether haue diuers colonies [Page 209] beene sent out of all parts of Fooliana.

But for a truth the number of the monasteries in this country, doe very nere exceed the number of the villages: besides which, there is nothing but scur­uy sheddes, worse then any Westphalian Inne: nor is there any freeholder left in all this countrie: the Cloisters haue got vp all the lands euery straw-bredth, to make the deities the better cheere. Foure sorts of buildings did I obserue in this soile: Temples, Monasteries, Hos­pitalls and Cottages: for all those that are not professed cloysterers, are either slaues or beggers. They are all of one religion, mary they cannot tell of what: but professe ignorance, and neglect in­quiry, it is inough for them to follow their fore-fathers, and to hold the places whilom belonging to Saints, that is all they care for. In their pace they make continuall crosses; one thigh comming thwart another at euery step, and so makes the forme of a crosse at euery foote of ground they passe: And so like­wise do they cary their armes, folded in [Page 210] cross-like manner, as if they were all in loues Melancholie. They haue goodly Temples, yet downe vpon their knees will they go in the plaine fieldes, if they spy but any antique face vpon a stone, or an old logge, or so: and then their beades (which they beare vpon strings) must needes rattle some two and fiftie times ouer. There is more Gods be­longs to this country, then there is men. Varroes nūber of the Romane gods was but halfe an vnite in respect of those. They make them of stone, wood and lome: and some of them augment their deities number, with adoration of hor­ses, hogges, and hounds. Euery daie giues life vnto a new deity: and some­times yee shall reckon two hundred, made in one Temple vpon one day. And here wee finde the olde Egiptian cus­tome receiued, that men, whilest they liue, are naught set by, but dying, they are entombed in honorable sepulture. 800. pounds haue I seene bestowed at one funerall, and none of the greatest mans neither. In this land will I lay my [Page 211] bones, and I doe here by will and testa­ment, charge mine heires to see me here entombed: and pray that all those that doe either condemne or commend this my description, beyond the desert, bee sent as mourners to accompany my corps to the graue, as likewise all such that shall hereafter bee guilty of im­mitation thereof. But let vs forward with it.

At those obiects, besides the tapers, incenses, bells, and bables that attend the body, as beneficiall vnto the soule; there are two select persons bound by the law to attend the bodie all the way with two blacke silke fannes, to driue a­way the flies from it, be it in winter when the flies are all dead, and the carcasse not a fart the sweeter, all's one for that, law is law, and must bee al­lowed.

These Foolianders neuer touch a­ny thing, bee it Water, Oyle, salt, Waxe, or Iron, vnlesse it bee first exor­cised, and the diuell driuen out of euery corner of it.

[Page 212] They hallow guilt roses, with great fol­lemnity, as they doe also in baptizing of their bells, and ensignes. But here is the rarest miracle that euer nature saw or man heard of. In Wonders-field there is not a stone, but can heare, weepe, laugh, mooue, cure diseases, sweate bloud, and do al that euer was done by the Semones, the Daemones, or al the black guard what­soeuer.

Sectarioua, the second Prouince of Fooliana the Deuout. Sect. 2.

THe other part of Fooliana the De­uout, Sectarioua, is a county of much variety, but little delight: Euery village, euery house has his peculiar fashion, quite different from the rest. Nor did I euer see, in all my trauells such a multi­tude of vnruined monuments, as I saw here. Here was Saturnietta, & the seauen Piramides (somewhat ruined) which the citizens of this state built This was the Saturnians opin [...]on. in memory of the 7. Angells that made the world a­gainst Gods wil: then was there The Basi­lidians held that there were 265. heauens, ac­cording to the number of the letters con­tained in the word [...] Abra­xia, [Page 213] the Basilidians seate; wherein there were but iust 365. houses, the townes­men being forbidden by an ancient law, either to increase their number, or di­minish it. Nere to this, stands They were called Gno­stikes, that is, muddy, for the falthinesse of the misteries, and so were the Carpocra­tians called: Iren. l. 1. c. 24. Gnostico, wherein there are 30. old weather worne statues, standing al hand in hand: where­of there are eight larger then the rest, all marked with Hebrew characters. Not far from thence is a desert somewhat wooddy wherin the Iren. in ep. ad Eus [...]b. These held th [...]t they might deny, their faith in persecution. Hieron. Elcesaites or Eb [...]o­nites had their mansions a long time: and here did I see some of the ruined alters whereon they had beene forced to offer sacrifice vnto Idols. On the left hand were the tombes of the They had a nevv maner of re­deeming their dead with oyle, balsame, water. Heracleo ni­tikes, al moystned with oyle and balsame. And on the right hand was the They held that Christ was that ser­pent that de­ceiued. Euah and kept a snake vvhich came forth at Priests incantations, licken of the offring & then retur­ned to his hold. Ox­hites valley, where the Sacred Serpent had his caue, before which there stood an Altar vpon the which their charmes forced him now and then to shew him­selfe. Hard by were the caues of the Caianists, (and that is hard by hell they say) and here they kept Caines Batte, and Iudas his halter, as holie and reuerend [Page 214] reliques. Vpon the banke of the riuer Higri, you shall finde the These would drinke no wine, but held it to bee brought forth by Satan and the earth Au­gust de Heres. Seueri­ans dish hung vp by a chaine at a piller, the dish out of which those obstinate men did whilom drinke their water.

By this riuer also are the They held marriage to bee as bad as fornication, & therefore vsed little beds and lesse tables for they eate no flesh. Aug. ibid. Tacians, little cabbins, and lesser tables, and here and there by the They pric­ked little in­fants vvith kniues and of the bloud and meale, they made themselues communion cakes. Aug. ib. Montanists fatall cakes, all scattred about: Here also are to bee seene the They held it good seruice vnto God to geld both themselues and strangers valesians pumy stones, the m Manichees thorny gar­dens, the n Psallians oratories, the o Patricians gallowes, the p Ascites vas­sells, the q Patrolorinchites statues of Silence, the r Aquarians cuppes, and all the monuments of antique heresies.

But of all those glorious buildings of antiquity, ſ Rhetorius his pallace doth iustly deserue the prick and praise: [Page 215] it beareth the fashion of all the other, and yet seemes neuerthelesse to haue a perticular one of the owne.

There are standing yet some of the They ne­uer vsed their wiues carnal­ly, and yet would not liue without them, so that they made w [...]ing choise of their neigh­bours chil­dren to inhe­rite their e­states. Aug. ibi. Abelians walls, those that conti­nuallie adopted other mens Children, and vsed to glorie of the pedegrees and statues of such as were none of their owne fathers.

Here is one new cittie, built by a­couple of damned vagabonds, The two founders of Anabaptisme, or the Family of loue. Hen­rie Nicholas, and Dauid George: and here also haue certaine Certaine English Brownists, exi­led into Vir­ginia. Virginian exiles laid a plot for to erect themselues a bo­die politique. O all you earthly Po­tentates, that know the contagious na­ture of heresie, and loue to haue your states secured from so dangerous an in­fection, banish those damnable pertur­bers of holie peace, vnto this country, and let them take vppe their stations here where they can doe no great mis­chiefe.

The state politique of Fooliana, in generall. CHAP. 9.

THe cities of this whole land are ei­ther vnder an Aristocraticall go­uernment, or a Democraticall. The people choose as many Burguemaisters as they thinke good of: and these must rule, but neither for their yeare, nor their liues, but euen while the people please. If any man of them giue any proofe of somewhat more sound iudge­ment then the rest, hee is presently put out of office, and banished by Ostracis­me [...]. But all these Prouinces do acknow­ledge one Grand superior, & doe fealty to one chiefe Prince, whose name when I was in those parts, was Ill Buffo­nio Ottimo Massimo. His palace is in Fooliana the Fatte, neere vnto the Deuout, and beares the The cham­ber where the pope is elec­ted. name of Papagalli. Hee is as it were a com­pound of an Emperour and a Priest, [Page 217] wearing a crowne vpon a miter, or a mi­ter in a crowne. There is euer borne be­fore him a key and a sword, the ancient emblemes of Ritches & Power. His Key sheweth that all the Foolianders coffers are at his command: his sword, that hee may at his owne pleasure both take from others, and defend his owne. All that come into his presence must kisse his foote, by an ancient custome, begun at first by certaine Kings (long agoe) that were troubled with sores and apo­stemes on their hands. Hee is not borne but chosen to this dignity, yet not be­fore hee bee very olde, least the people should bee a weary of him (as they are wondrous prone to innouation) ere he were a weary of life. Before Saint Sapa's chappell are two seates of Porphiry, wherein hee that is to bee elected must passe a triall of his Rems and his Res, ere he bee installed. Hee seldome rides but vpon mens shoulders, to shew that men in respect of him are but as beasts in re­spect of men. He sittes alway, and goeth abroad alwayes vnder a canopy: tush, [Page 218] these are things that others may do also as well as he: let vs here some of his sin­gularities, beyond all others you shall. He neuer askes peny tribute of any sub­iect he hath, but what they giue willing­ly, he takes thankfully and spends freely. He decrees nothing against the consent of the meanest counsellor in his state. He makes no lawes, nor keepes any: nor doth he promulgate any decree of con­tinuance, but once within two yeares it is quite out of vse. He vseth his seruants, (yea euen his slaues) with much familia­ritie, and when hee list can lift them vp aboue the best man in his court. Hee al­lowes his Parasites to doe euen what themselues thinke good, to breake lawes, to counterfeit coines, or to disperse mo­ney stamped with their owne names and faces. I might haue learnt much more matter in this court worthy obseruati­on, but that I do not loue of all things in the world, to tarry in court longer then needs must: No, I was neuer good cour­tier, nor (I hope) euer shall be.

Finis lib. 3.

The fourth Booke.
The description of Theeue-ingen.

CHAP. 1. Of the situation thereof.

THeeuingen A word compounded of Theue, in English, and Ingenium in Latine. is boun­ded on the West with the straite of Magella­nus, and on the East, with Fooliana the deuout & part of Tenter-belly. It is a soile so vtterly voide of fertility (excepting one little country that Pluto might rather seeme to haue stolne Ceres daughter frō hence then from Sicily. Nor shepheard, nor husbandman shall yee finde here, would yee seeke your heart out: yet is it not strange that this barren country should neuer-the-lesse haue such aboundance of all necessaries, maye and superflu­ities also, that it may challenge all the world in a prize of wealth, and (as farre as their naturall fiercenesse [Page 220] permitteth) of delicacy too? Take it from me (quoth Hieremy Ratcliffe) they may; there is no rariety, nor excellent thing of worth in all the world, but they will haue it, by hooke or by crooke, and if they once get it, yee shall sooner get a fart from a dead man, then fetch it back out of their clouches. The Easterne part is enritched by the spoiles of the two Fooliana's, the Fatte, and the Deuout: the Westerne, by the treasures of India, together with the Spaniards, Caricks and As the Spaniard cal­led one of their great Caricks, which si [...] Francis Drake tooke. Her name (quoth he) was Caca fuego shite-fire before, but now she may be called Caca plata, that is, shite-siluer. Cacaplataes, for they are the notablest Pyrates of the whole terrestriall Globe. Assambeg of Alexandria, Barbarossa, Captaine Warde, and Yagup Hemskerk; tush these were all meere Adalantadoes of Herring-boates, in respect of the Pi­raticall spirits this climate affords: I say it and I will stand vnto it.

The whole countrie is deuided into two Signiories: As there are two spe­cies of this trade, the euery and cousinage Robbers-waldt and Lieger demaine: the first of which butts vpon Fooliana and an angle of Tenter­belly: the latter lyeth more West, and (against all custome of the other Thee­uingers, [Page 221] the wandring Robber swalders) keepes it selfe in the owne bounds: but both of them are barbarous and vtterly inhospitable.

The conditions of the Robbers-walders. CHAP. 2.

RObberswaldt is diuided from the two Foolianaes, by the Fennes, vsually cal­led Filtching-fennes, wherein there are more Ilands, or full as many, as is in the riuer Rawley of Guiana, made by the turnings of the water. The whole regi­on is so woody and mountainous, that it seemes rather a desart then a place in­habited: and (as Strabo saith of a cittie in the world) is to be held fitter for re­bellion then habitation. Their Of this language there is an excellent ex­act discouerie made in Tho­mas Deckers Bellman, but in his Lan­thorne and Candle-light, he hath out­stript all the world for va­riety of know­ledge in Can­ting. lan­guage is very crabbed, I could not possi­bly learne it; onely I obserued some Welsh words, taught them as it seemes by some ancient trauellers of our We­sterne Brittons. This Signiorie is indif­ferent well peopled, but vnder no forme [Page 222] of rule: each man holds himselfe borne onely for himselfe, and so liueth obeying and respecting himselfe onely. What he can bereaue another of (by any violence whatsoeuer) is forth-with his owne, as good and lawfull prize: and the more powerfull he growes, the more he is fea­red, and is attended by the more vnder­sharkers that are his followers: they liue all in certaine families, all which giue due obedience to the father of the houshold and euery one forbeares his own bloud, and robs where he can besides, freely & without controll Both the Fooliana's had by these sharkers bin long since eaten vp, but that the inhabitants are faine to pay yearely a great sum of money, for their protection all the yeare after. This ran­some (for a kind of ransome it is) is paid by the principals of Fooliana, vnto the chiefe housholders of Robberswaldt.

In bodily shape they are like vnto vs, sauing that all but the Ilanders, haue clawes vpo their hands insteed of nailes: and this is not onely naturall vnto all the Robberswalders, but euen to the Lieger du­manists [Page 223] also. Vpon the mountaines of this soile there breedeth a kinde of peo­ple called the Sbanditi, and these are e­speciall keepers of Booty-forrest (a frith so called) which is of that breadth, that that same High Dutch Hercynian Shere­wood, put Schwarizwaldt, Oden­waldt, Steigerwaldt, Westerwaldt, Behemerwaldt, waldt quoth you? nay put all the waldts, welts and gards in Europe to it: I tell yee, let one word suffice, they all make but a dayes iour­ney for an Irish Lowse, (bee shee ne­uer so speedie) if you measure it with this.

No, I will bee as good as my word, and iustifie, that if Hercynia keepe ten thousand theeues (as lightlie it doth alwayes,) Booty-forrest shall keepe a thousand thousand: Baw waw! Her­cynia? why 'tis a blanket for a Catte, a petty Cock-pitte, nay a very Tobacco­boxe in respect of Booty-forrest.

In this country, you shall not find any man of state but he keeps a fort: yes veri­ly, all garrison soldiars: neither are their [Page 224] fortresses any way beautifull, but they are most iudiciously contriued, both for defence and purueyance: and here, they that liue within keepe all that they pur­loyne without (and that is no small prize) maugre the beard of haughtie Zulzemin. No, they are no Shitilecocks! what they haue theile hold, they are in place, & what's a mans place if hee make no vse of it? Now in the meane while the poore commonalty vntrusse their states and their Port-manuels vnder trees, and lay their noddles close to the stumpe of some ancient Oke; Sic fuit ab initio (quoth the Gentleman to the Chandlers sonne) so did your fore-fa­thers (my maisters) be you neuer so top­heauie now, and so do these honest lads, these true Tartarians, that neuer keepe one mansion eight and forty houres. But alas! would this were all: but I must needes goe on. These plaine seeming Villiacoes delight in nothing but to lye in waite to make prize of poore passen­gers, and when they catch them, they strippe them starke naked: they will not [Page 225] leaue them a tatter to serue for a cur­taine to the worlds propagatour; yet will they not murther, as the damned, soule­lesse, fiend-bred, hell-borne Italian theeues do, & those durty, gut-swolne, toad-sprung Germaines, (they haue no cause indeed, for their fact is not lyable to the lawe) but him that they vnhuske, they doe presently binde, and carry in state vnto their Dukes court, vnto whom hee must sweare perpetuall obe­dience and loyaltie: which if hee breake either in running his countrie, or in o­mitting to practise Pourloynerie once or twise in a moneth, hee is forthwith con­demned to commence at Tiborne was built for him, as some say. Doctor Sto­ries cappe: trusted he shall be no more, but once trust vp for all: this law ma­keth them maruailous mighty: and a­gaine, the Legerdumanists of late enac­ted this decree, That no yonger brother shall haue any share in the fathers land, and this law hath added a great multitude of voluntaries vnto Robbers-waldt, as cannot but appeare to the politique, and him that can ponder it. The deuout Foolianders [Page 226] (as I said before) loue crosses: well they cannot loue them so much as these hate them. So that though their tribute as­sure them quiet at home, yet if they bee ouer-taken in Robberswaldt, farewell Foo­liander, vp they goe as round as a Iug­lers boxe: and the onely cause is, they vse to mock the Robberswalders, by mak­ing Iybbets at them with their fingers.

The maine housholders are continu­ally at dissention and ciuill warres a­mongst themselues, about iniurious booties, forced from one another: and by my faith sir, the whole world fares the better by it: for should these rogish improouers once lay their heads toge­ther against our world, we might put vp our pipes, the case is be-shitt, and go cast our capps at the Moone, for any state that we should holde long: O sir, vnder­stand me, the case is plaine, we were sure of ruine I grant ye that: and so were all that could not stand in defence against them: but the wiser sort of them-selues preuent that, by nousling priuate dissen­tions at home.

[Page 227] It is a great commendation of toward­nesse in their children (as De bello Galiico. lib. 6. Caesar said of the Germaines) to bee cunning filtchers, in their young yeares: for this arte they teach them euen from their infancies, in precepts which they call Hermeticall: ye shall haue the little theeuelings, euen while they suck their mothers brests, to steale needles & pence from out of their purses: but if they either ouer-shoote themselues, & be taken in the maner, by being either too slowe handed, or too boisterous, vp goes their bums inconti­nent: Now as they grow to yeares, so must they augment their practise, by stealing of Geese, Ducks, or any such like prouant: nor doth any day passe them wherein they do not increase their stock by one lift or other. If their plot chance to haue any dangerous induction about it, then do they content themselues with As the Welch man stole Rushes, onely to keep his hand in vre. stealing a clod from your neighbors land, or a stake from his hedge, least their hands should grow out of vse: this is the ordinary practise of y • borderers of Lie­gerdumaine: betweene it & Robberswaldt [Page 228] lieth a large heath called (e) Lyers-buy plaine, of which you shall heare more here-after, when we haue passed the ma­ritimall coasts of Robberswalat.

The Pyrates, and sea-borderers of Robbers-waldt. CHAP. 3.

THese Pirates disperse themselues all along the shores of Magellanus his straite, on the bankes of Theeuingen, and in the Iles of Filtching-fennes. Now they know that no ship that passeth the straite can possibly returne back, the current is so swift, and therefore they stoppe the passage with chaines and shallops, and so make prize of all that should passe: whereby they that goe this voyage, doe seldome or neuer returne, more by rea­son of the multitude of these Pyrates, then y e strength of the opposed streame. Europe affoords not any sea-man that knowes his bayes, creekes, tides, shelfes, rockes and channells better then these [Page 229] doe generally: besides that they swim as nimbly and as perfectly as the fi­shes themselues doe. Their chiefe hauen is called Not Dun kirke. Kirk-dun, a towne of no great strength, nor compasse: but fraught with as hardie Pirates as Christendome affordes, and with as great store of stolne ritches. It is situate in that angle of Rob­berswaldt that lyeth iust vpon the head of Filtching-fennes, ouer-against a part of Tenter-belly. The shores here-abouts, as it is reported, are all ledged with Rocks of the Loade-stone, which drawe the ships vnto these coasts, that are an incredible distance off, and heere they hold them. But the Kirk-duners that sayle out into the maine, and fetch in the merchants, they gette the cash. And strange it is to see how many purchases their bolde valour hath borne from strengths some-times trebbling theirs: some ascribe this vnto the Magicall Ensignes they haue from Fooliana, let the reader choose whether hee will be­leeue them or no. The Citties armes, is the vulture, that feedes as shee flyes: [Page 230] the word, Fruor nec quiesco: Ritch and yet restlesse: Mantled, Geules; doubled, ermines.

A little within the mouth of the riuer Filtching, is there another towne, called Port van Berghen, the Queene and Lady of all those Iles and waters: it taketh tribute of all vessells that passe that way whatsoeuer, they cannot passe ere they paye: and besides, it layeth out great hookes with loade-stones vpon them, where-with it angleth for shipps, iust as wee doe for Pikes, Troutes, and other fishes: and where it once seazeth, there keepeth it sure hold. In these fens, and in this broade riuer, filled all with Iles, you No more then the Egip­tian Pyrates had in Helio­dorus. lib. 1. shall not finde one cottage, nor one boate: partly in that the people doe choose rather to make themselues and their families nests in Reeds (which growe heere in a farre larger size then those of India,) and partly because they are commixt with the Foolianders (lying one so neere another) whereof there is none but had rather swim then sayle: so that they are so perfect in that arte, [Page 231] that like to the Crocodiles, they liue as much in the water as in the land, and mooue as swiftly as the swifted whirry. And of these doe the Nauigators stand more in feare, then of the other Pyrates, by much: for these come suddenly vp­on them, and many of them clap to them to the ship at once, stay her as fast as if a Remora stuck to her keele: and then they tumble her with the bottome vpwards and sinke her, or traile her to a rock, and there wrack her.

How the Author got into this country: Of the Harpies. CHAP. 4.

BVt the reader may well maruell how I came to learne thus much: and make a question whether any man (that were wise) would expose himselfe to such a barbarous nations curtesie: well sir I preuented all that. Vnderstand, that the Foolianders (the deuout I meane) and these people hold a Iubylee both to­gether, euery fiftie yeare: during the [Page 232] which yeare, they are at peace with all the world, & all men are free from feare of the rankest theefe that breathes. At these times doe men come hether from all parts of this continent: yet at their comming they do giue such gifts to the inhabitants, that this one yeares peace is more profitable vnto them, then foure yeares filching. Now it was my chance to light here vpon this very yeare: and so I and my fellow trauellers had the bet­ter meanes to take an exact view of the country. Onely we were in some feare of the Harpies, as we trauelled: our gold got no peace at their hands. They are (by my troth I know not what; either fowles or diuels) & haue kept here (by report) euer since (Zethes & Calais chased them out of Europe: they build their nests with strong beames, laying them a thwart ouer the forked armes of huge growne trees: they are faced like owles, backt & bodied like Estridges, fethered like Porcupines, beakt and pounced like Eagles. Truely they made me remember the birds that (as Aristot lib. de mirabi. lib. one writeth) do keepe in the Dio­medaean [Page 233] Iles, which would sawne vpon vpon the Greekes, and flie at the faces of all men besides: Iust so did the Harpyes vse vs that were stangers; they would not touch an inhabitant, but were as fa­miliar with them as tame Pidgeons; but when any of vs came neere them, they would flie vpon vs like fiends: nor can any man passe Booty Forest, but they teare him all to peeces, vnlesse hee haue a So doe the Turkes cal the from Cayro to Ormus, and the other po [...]ts of their traffique. Carauan, of Robberswalders for his con­uoie.

Of Lyers-bury plaine. The natures of the Le­gerdumaynians. Of Free-purlogne, and Baggs-death, two Citties. CHAP. 5.

NOw I come againe to Lyers-burie plaine, which lieth vpon the Eas­terne verges of Robberswaldt and Leger­dumayne: beeing As the way by the crosse was in Cam­den. I am free Marchant as passengers may ken, to Scots, to Brittaines, and to Englishmen. a free march vnto them both, there is a riuer runs thorow the midst of it, called For a lier must haue a good memo­ry. memento, which parts the whole plaine into two: and on this riuer, are diuers of the Liegerdumay­nians [Page 234] townes of garrisons seated. I am far mistaken if I saw not her some olde monuments of Pliny, and Herodotus, in this very dale. Mercurius Gallobelgicus, has built himselfe a delicate house in the country: and there is a certaine If he doe meane Baro­niu [...] hee is not farre amisse, many suppose. Cardinall (an Historian) that hath layd the foundations of a mighty and spaci­ous castle in these quarters. For euer since Spaine got the conquest of those Indies that ioyne vpon this land, the Liegerdumanians haue giuen leaue to the Iesuites (those busy-bauds, that must scald their lips in the whole worlds pot­tage) to visite, and to inhabite this land, which the Robberswalders irruptions had otherwise vtterly dispeopled. Here are many Astrology schooles, whose professors are more in fauour with the Liegerdumanians, then any other artists whatsoeuer, excepting poets & lawiers. In this very place, did I (better confesse here then in a worse place) set vp a schoole my selfe, and read the lecture of spying maruells in the heauens vrinall as methodically as any Star-gazer a [...] thē [Page 235] all: I had my Ptolomy, my Guido Bonatus, my Bencorat, my Zahel, my Messahalach, my Albohali, my Hali Aben Razehell, al at an inch: and by their prescriptions wrote Right, for this is but a discouery of Mundus al­tered et idem. an infallible prognostication of these present times. These Liegerdumay­nians are far more sociable (at least more circumspect & secret in their villanies) then the Robberswalders; for that which these doe in publike, the Leigerdumayni­ans doe very closely: liuing vnder a law, & a Prince also, called (as I heard) by the name of Tiberiodi Goldē-gripi: who keep­eth state in Free-purloine, a delicate citty in the very inmost edge of Lyers-burie plaine: they neuer stir abroad on the day time, but effect all their businesse in the night: they hate the sunne and loue the moone, both with y e extreamest of affe­ction. The trees of this soile are natural­ly so viscous, y • no bird can light in them but she is presently taken. The greatest town of trafike in al this tract, is Bagges-death otherwise called Of Bo [...]sa vvhich is in Spanish, a purse; and Se­co, in Latine to cut: H [...]er [...] ­nimus B [...]secus, that same rare raskall that wrote the liues of Cal­uine and Beza, was the foun­der of this city. Bolseco, wherein there are two streetes, Tongue-street, and Pawns-brooke, which two in my iudgment [Page 236] exceed all the streetes of any one citty in the world, for largenesse, for buil­dings. Tonguestreete is the Rendeuous of all the lawiers, and Cause-mongers: Pawnes-brooke, of the vsurers, brokers, and taylers.

And surely there is no nation vnder heauen so stored with lawiers as this is: who (as In Paenulo. Plautus saith of one) if they wante meanes of contention, play the seed-men, and sow them themselues. Our Westminster, lay all the Innes of Court, and Chancery to it, is but a very Katherines hall, to the vtter Temple of this streete: and yet, though their num­ber do daily increase, it is held notwith­standing by the best politicians of the land, that they cannot continue. For when they haue lickt vp all the whole country (as they haue almost done alrea­dy) they must needs lacke clyents, and so for want of emploiment goe to law one with another, & by that meanes disperse their euill gotten goods amongst the cōmunalty againe, to leaue their posteri­ty the means of more gainefull trading. [Page 237] The lawiers men are all suted in As the v­niuersity shew makers do vsually sute their parasites. par­ty coloured liueries; to signifie that their maisters are ready to take fees on either side. Now as for their emploiment, the vsurers doe make them the most of it, togither with the violent riuer Fraude, which running amongst the Otherwise called th [...] Strophades, of [...], to wrest or turne, those Quirkneyes are somewhat like our orke­neyes, for situ­ation, but not not for con­dition. Quirkney Iles, eateth one peece away here, and casteth it vp, there; and afterward wash­eth it from thence, and laies it in a third place; changing his course now and then, and taking away one mans whole inheritance, to giue it vnto another, this it is that makes worke for the lawiers.

The Inhabitants are most of them (as the High-land men of the Alpes are) troubled with Chowles vnder their chins, called the Demosthe­nes his disease. It raignes here in Eng­land, at some seasons of the yeare, very powerfully, God knowes, and to the wrack of ma­ny an vpright cause. Melio­ra Deus. Mony-chokes; a malady so ordinary amongst them that they nei­ther care for curing it nor couering it. But here is a strange worke of nature: their skinnes doe naturally attract gold and siluer, with as powrefull a strength, as the loadestone draweth steele, and holds it as fast: a thing that was neuer seene elsewhere, and therefore the [Page 238] worthier of record. Pawnes-brooke is peo­pled with all sorts of artificers: Yet they open no shops: but euery one attends the passengers at his owne dore with what lack yee Gentlemen, & then if he get a chapman, hee leads him in, and shewes him his wares in priuate. Clauius Chrysopaeiae. lib. 1. &c. One will shew yee a chaine crusted offer with thin plates of gold; and sweare, that India nor Arabia did euer afford purer mettall. Another cheares yee with a counterfeite Musk-cod: a third with pearles, so rarelie adulterate both for The fiue true trialls of the goodnesse of pearles. Plin. weight, fashion, clearenesse, smooth­nesse and biggenesse, that you cannot discerne them from true ones: and then hee will shew yee the shells where­in they grew. And here yee shall haue your Lapidaries, with gemmes of all sortes, able to delude any eye in the world: the Cyprian Dyamond, the Co­rynthian Hephestiles, the Sicilian Agat, the Aegiptian Galactites, the Arabian Asbest, the Macedonian Paeanites, the Asian Alabandine, the Indian Berill, the English Ieat, the Persian Eagle-stone, the [Page 239] African Chalcedon, the Scithian Sma­ragde, the Germaine Corneil, the Aethi­opian Chrysolite, the Lybian Carbun­cle; here they are all; al singularly forged. Apothecaries there are also here in great abundance, and these do nothing but so­phisticate receites with their Succedanea, & their quid pro quo: It would aske a great volum to make a perticular discouery of their deceites. But one thing I am ama­zed at, & grieue at their successe herein, they are neuer takē in their falsifications, be they neuer so grosse: nor do they feare any trial of their forgeries, but only that of the fire. When they are tript, they are punished with al seuerity: but they haue this preuention for that: they can change their shapes, voices, trades & habits, vpō an instant, so cunningly, that he doth but wash an Ethiop that seeketh for him to day that couzend him yesterday. There is a famous schoole in the suburbes, where art Spagirike (pardon me you Al­chymists, or blame your selues, that haue giuen falshood so good a name) is read vnto the youth of the city.

[Page 240] And here they haue a booke which they hold as holy as the Turkes do their Alca­ron, it is called, The History of Mercury, (a booke vnknowne to vs) wherein is related, how he in his infancy stole Nep­tunes mace, Mars his sword, Phaebus his bow and shafts; Vulcans tongues, and Venus her girdle: and how hee proloind Ioues thunder, being as then so young as it seemed Lucian. hee had learnt the art of filtching in his mothers belly. It con­teyned furthermore, all the documents of deceite and cousenage whatsoeuer. Teaching the student of it how to picke lockes, how to draw latches, how to treade without noise, how to angle in a lockt chest with a twined thred: how to him the pence and neuer touch the purse: how to forsweare an ill deede without blushing & a thousand such se­crets that I might haue learned but that I cared not for their art Caballist. But of all of them, the Inkeepers are the knaues Rampant: so faithlesse, that the traueller dares neither trust his purse vnder his pillow, nor in any Iron casket whatso­euer, [Page 241] but must bee faine (as Iosep. de Bello Iudaico. the Iewes did, beeing besieged) to engorge his gold for all the night, and seeke it in his close-stoole the next morning, it would bee gone else euery Quart d'escu. The villages are inhabited with none but The two Emblemes of the euerie. Millers and Taylers, and vnlesse you happe here and there to finde some stragling Gypsies.

Of Lurtch-wit, a County in Leger­dumaine. CHAP. 6.

LVrtch-witte a large County, lieth on the west of this Leigerdumaine, wherein is the cittie Rigattiera, new re­paired: nere vnto which is mount Scapula stole his Greek Lexicon, from Steuens, and yet durst a­vow this. Hoc ego con­tendo Lexicon­esse vovum. Sca­pula, a very high hill. A Poet that is a Critique may here finde many ancient monuments. One stone I saw here whereon were engrauen certain Greeke verses, Iustin. Mar­ter in Pro­treptico ad Gentes, and Canter. var. Lect. P. 1. c. 3. stolne by Homere from Or­pheus and Musaeus. From Orpheus, these. Hom. Iliad. p. [Page 242]

[...].
[...].
[...].

And from Musaeus this.

[...].

I found also many of Virgils vpon an­other stone, which the inhabitants said he had hought of by y e knees out of Ho­mer and Hesiod. Here were also some of Petrarchs, nimd from another D [...]nte, or messier C [...]no, or Sen [...]ccio, or some of those times. Tus­cane Poet: and many other such like monuments. On the South part, lieth It is inha­bited with none but Pur­suiuants, and Benefice-bar­ [...]erers. Rapineux, a plaine all full of rubbish and ruines, which shew that there hath beene many cities there: but they were all pulled down long ago, to build those two magnificent piles, Penny-patron, and Chaffer-kirke: so that you shall see in this country, many old Churches turned in­to stables, streetes into pastures, and steeples into priuies. Besides this, the riuer Fraude doth continually teare a­way one peece or other from this part of the country, and laieth it either on the marshes of Lurtch-wit, or Otherwise called, Neuer-enough. Stille-more.

Of Still-more. CHAP. 7.

THis Prouince is in the hands of a monstrous kinde of men, such as you see pictured in Munster and Maundeuill, with heads like hogges. They go alwaies vpon their hands and knees, least they should otherwise misse any thing as they passe along the streetes, that were worth the taking vp. Their voice is a kinde of grunting, nor haue they other speach. None may dwell amongst them, but Couetice is called the old mans euill. old folkes. Their youth they doe spend in Booty-forrest (if they be valiant) or else in Bags-death Schooles: the inha­bitants are all husbandmen, marchants, and mettall-mongers. They do eat earth (as Gesner. de Quadruped. the Wolfe doth when hee is to go to fight) almost continually: yet some there are that eate nothing at all; but liue vpon the sight onely of gold and sil­uer. They neuer sleepe but with their eyes open; herein onely Idem ibid. resembling the Lyon.

They serue a God whom they call Quadagno, with al superstitious reuerēce: [Page 244] they neuer goe to their rest but when they haue seene him: nor doe they eate but in his presence.

Touching the citties of this Prouince, there is Swine-borow, a filthy towne, a very stincking heape: but then is there Gatherington Ritcher then Amster­dam for all that it is called the Low-coun­tries store-house. Hoord-sterdam, and Lock­adolid, all handsomly built things, marry I could not come to view them within: by reason that euery particular citizen in all these places hath a priuate key for the gates, to lock at his going in & out, so that by this meanes they preuent all strangers accesse. The residue of this na­tion liue more like swine then men, in the Ilands of Hoggs-bourg and the Scra­piglias.

These men, townes, and manners, did I be­hold, admire, and laugh at: and after 30. yeares trauell, growing weary of wan­dring, I returned into my natiue country.
FINIS.
THE CAMBRIDGE PILGRIME.

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