MS Phale & Company Enter [...] Cave they meet a Solitary

M Delegaard Returns back M.S. Phale Receives a letter.

M.S. Phale Examins y e Footman y t bro by • Let from her [...]ro [...]

M. Ponsin Gives his Mother acc [...] • of M.S. Phale's Rescue.

POOR ROBIN'S JESTS: OR, The Compleat Jester.

Being A Collection of several Jests not heretofore published.

Now newly composed and written By that well-known Gentleman, Poor Ro­bin, Knight of the burnt Island, and well-willer to the Mathematicks.

Together with the true and lively Effigies of the said Author.

Licensed Feb. 2. 1666. Roger L'Estrange.

LONDON: Printed for Francis Kirkman and Richard Head.

To the Intelligible Reader.

DId not Custom claim an E­pistle, I might have saved my self this labour of writing one; and yet let me tell thee, that good Wine may be sold within, although there hangs no Bush at the door. Now thou dost expect (I suppose) that I should say something of these Jests; if I should tell thee that they were all good, I think thou wouldst not be­lieve me; and if thou shouldst say they were all bad, I profess I should not believe thee. I suppose they are not like to the women in the World, because here is more good ones then bad ones; whereas amongst them, [Page] there is more bad then good: if af­ter the perusal of them thou finde fault, reflect upon thy self, whether thou hast not more Vices then Ver­tues within thee, and forbear to cen­sure too rigidly, lest a wiser head then thy own commending them, thou for thy pains be accounted a fool.

But me thinks I hear some long­ear'd fellow to say that the most of these are but Collections, the Works of other men; and therefore the less to be regarded: why Apes-face, let me ask thee this Question; Is the Honey the worse, because the Bee sucks it out of many flowers? or is the Spiders Web the more to be praised, because it is extracted out of her own Bowels? Wilt thou say the Taylor did not make the Gar­ment, because the Cloath it was made of, was weaved by the Weaver? 'Tis true, many of these Jests were delivered before by others; but with so much prolixity, and in such a [Page] rough stile, as was both tedious and unpleasant to the Reader; but now they are so ordered, that the worst of them all may pass with approbati­on, if thou doest not marre their sence, by thy ill-favour'd reading of them; which if thou shouldest do in my hearing, I profess, as I am a true man, an honest man, and no Taylor, I should be very angry with thee for thy labour.

And now let me tell thee, that be­sides the old, here is a great many new ones; yea, spick and span new, scattered amongst the others (like Plumbs in a Cake) to make the old ones to relish the better: and indeed Jests are like Cakes, which should have in them the sweet Plumbs of pleasant language, spiced with de­light, and sugered with pleasure; but the nearest resemblance is, that Jests and Cakes are both of them best when they are broken.

Now if thou likest them, so; if thou [Page] dislike them, then so, so: but if thy teeth stand like an old Park-pale, here one rotten, and there one out; forbear to read them before thy Sweet-heart, lest when thou grinnest, thou discover so much, as to help thee, thou be forced to flee to the old Proverb for refuge, That those whose teeth are out kiss softly.

Much more might be said, if there were a necessity for it; but if thou beest not wise, then thou art other­wise; now if thou beest wise, then a word to the wise is sufficient; and if beest otherwise, all the words that I can use, will not make thee a wise man.

Next, a word or two to the women, and then I will conclude: Two sorts of the Female Sex would I advise by all means not to read this Book; viz. those women that have made their Husbands Cuckolds, and those that paint their faces. For the first sort, those women that wear Cork-shooes, [Page] which makes them to be light-heel'd, let them not dare to touch it, lest they meet with some passages in it, which may make them to blush as red, as if they had been drinking of burnt-Cla­ret; when they consider with them­selves, that by their doing, and being done, their Husbands, who (had they had honest Wives) might have lived and dyed handsome, fine, smooth-foreheaded men, now by these wag­tails are metamorphosed into such-kinde of Creatures, as Bulls, Oxen, Stags, Rams, Goats, Humble-bees and Snayles.

Then for those that paint their faces, if they should laugh them­selves into an extraordinary Sweat, it might chance to spoil their com­plexions, by reason of their Fucus melting off; let them therefore for­bear, forewarn'd, forearm'd: for all other sorts of women, let them read and welcome, laugh till they be­piss [Page] themselves, it is but washing their Smocks again; so fall too, and much good may it do you.

Yours in all civil Mirth, POOR ROBIN.

Will. Summers in Commendation of this Book.

I Who did live i'th' days of eighth King Harry
(That in his time six several wives did marry,)
And oft did make him laugh his belly full
With Jests I put upon Cardinal Wol-Sey,
do now appear again in print
For this same Book, to tell you what is in't;
'Tis with a medley of such queint Jests stor'd,
The best that any Age did yet afford:
For other Commendations it don't need them;
They're good upon my word, and therefore read them.

Scoggin on the Book.

I Nither to have lived in great fame,
But these queint Jests will quite eclipse my name,
And put me down (so far they do excel)
Even as a Bucket is put down a Well:
For those whose Wits are dull, whose brains are dry,
Here is at least a twelve-months fresh supply.
Me thinks I see when Tom and Will doth read them,
How all the Company with attention heed them:
[Page]Such store of mirth it breeds when they sit quaffing,
That Jenny breaks her twatling-strings with laughing.
My Commendations of them in this Verse,
Is like my greazing the fat Sow o'th' Ar—
For they are stor'd with so much mirth & sport,
The longest Verse doth in their praise come short.

Dick Tarlton on the Compleat Jester.

NExt to Will Summers, and my Brother Scoggin,
Let me amongst the rest put my dry bob in;
For you will say there were some reason for't,
If you had seen me in Queen Besses Court,
Where I did live in great renown and bravery,
And pleas'd most people with my harmless kna—
But some will say, what needeth all this clatter?
Here's nothing hath been spoken to the matter.
'Tis true indeed, the thoughts of my past glory
Had made me almost quite forget my story;
Which was (if I am not therein mistook)
To give my approbation of this Book:
All I shall say, is, those that discommend it,
Let them (if they can do the same) come mend it.

Pasquil upon the following Jests.

MY being was i'th' days of Mother Bunch,
Who sold good Liquor, Sider, Ale & Punch,
[Page]Metheglin, Perry, Ʋsquebah and Coffee,
As good as ere was drunk by Persian Sophy:
And sometimes Brandy, Chocolet, Stepony,
Which thither did invite many a Croney;
Where whilst they sat a drinking of their Ale,
Each man by turns did tell a merry tale;
Which I had printed in one Book for sport too,
Neither in Twelves, nor Octo, but in Quarto:
That Book of mine and if you do resort to,
'Twill make you laugh, and smile, and if not fart too:
But yet I must confess, I can't deny it,
This following Book (unless I should bely it)
Surpasses mine in so many degrees,
As Water is by Wine, or Chalk by Cheese.

Long-Meg of Westminster on the Book.

AMongst the men, next give a woman place too,
Who once did live in great renown and grace too;
And for being tall, and kept a filthy stir,
Men stiled me Long-Meg of Westminster.
Many mad pranks I plaid, and many a gam­ble,
Whilst in this lower Orbe I had my ramble;
For which my name grew great, and thundred so,
Lowder then Cannon-shot, or Bell of Bow.
And be it known unto all Christian people,
It mounted higher far then is Pauls-steeple:
[Page]That since the days Eve woo'd our father A­dam,
Was never known a stouter strapping Madam.
But now I fear as sure as Egs are Egs too,
And that mens Bodies are born by their Legs too;
These Jests puts down my fame, have me out-stripped,
As School-boys puts down hose when they are whipped.

Hobson, the merry Londoner, in praise of this Book.

FOrth from the hollow Caverns of old Tellus,
I come to spend my breath, like winde from Bellows,
To tell the world this Book it hath no f [...]llows;
Read it, 'twill cure the jealous of the Yellows,
The rich of Pride, the sad of Melancholy,
The poor of Spleen, the simple-man of folly:
It is the onely Ʋniversal Doctor,
'Twill cure thee of the P— if thou hast knockt her.
There's no disease of care, nor yet of grief too,
But reading this, it gives the minde relief too:
Then if for to be cur'd, thy minde be willing,
Pull out thy purse, the price is but a shilling.

Archy in praise of this Book.

AMongst the train of nimble wits next march I,
King Charles the Martyrs Jester, famous Archy:
[Page]Valiant I was, as was french Knight de Amadis,
And full of mirth, as Egge-shell with meat cramb'd is;
And which o'th' matter sets a higher rate too,
Jested my self into a good Estate too.
Now since my censure must pass on this Book,
I durst avouch, if that thereupon you look,
You'll finde rare jocund tales, both new & old too,
By several men, and at several times told too.
For what Taylor of Coriats works once utter'd,
Th' were good as tosted Cheese, or Fish that's butter'd;
Might in a better sence of these be taken,
They're good as powder'd Beef, or Egs & Bacon.

Poor Robin on himself.

LAstly, for to bring up the Rear
In my own person I appear,
To make it known unto the world
What falshoods have on me been hurl'd:
One says I'm this, another that,
And most do prate they know not what:
For like to Geese in mud that paddle,
Each broods his Eggs, and all prove addle.
One says that I a Parson am,
He heard me Preach, and knows my name;
And if that lyes be true, then he
Has hit the truth assuredly;
[Page]But if that it be otherwise,
Then truth is truth, and he tells lyes.
Another in me a Lawyer sees,
That in false case I ne'er took fees;
But sure the mans in's judgement's blind,
For why, such Lawyers few can finde.
Another doth affirm me for
A Doctor, or a Quacksalver,
(Or if you will a Mountebank,
Where Jack Pudding on Stage is crank)
And that I do cure each disease,
Lost Maiden-heads, or what you please:
But were I Doctor, I'd be trying
To cure that party of his lying.
Another says it is a Knight
Poor Robin's Almanack does write:
Another says it is a Squire;
And I say each of them's a lyar.
One did report I was a Vulcan;
Because (they say) I love a full Can:
Another in his words did vary,
Said I was an Apothecary.
A third, whose brains were something adler,
Aver'd for truth I was a Sadler.
A fourth hath an Opinion newer,
That I love Beer, and am a Brewer:
But he had been a truer hinter,
That I love Wine, and am a Vintner:
[Page]For though in trade from truth they vary,
I must confess I love Canary.
Now I have told you what I am not,
But what I am, to tell I cannot;
For he who can himself conjecture,
Is wiser then our late Protector,
Who had forgot he was a Brewer,
And could above him none indure:
Nor think I he could prophecy,
When dead, his head should mount so high;
Or that his Trunk with two on's fellows
Should buried be under the Gallows.
But they who do desire to know me,
If they such love or kindness owe me,
Come to Limehouse neer to Dicks-shore,
A mile from Aldgate, if not more;
Neer unto Signe of the White Lyon,
Hard by's a Shop, if you cast eye on:
[...] may be found without all doubt,
Always within, if not gone out.
There do I sit some certain hours,
Contemplating the starry powers:
And from that place as may be guest,
Brought up Will Summers and the rest
Brom Elyzium, or from Limbo,
To make Verse like rime in Crambo,
[...] commendation of this Book,
As you may read, if there you look.
[Page]Now I imagine in all reason
I've writ enough at this same season:
And those who like not this Epistle,
Lay the book down, and go whilstle.
P.R.
WRitten at Lime-house neer Dick [...] shore,
The day o'th' month, five and a score:
The month April, th' hour Eleven,
Year Sixteen Hundred Sixty Seven.

POOR ROBIN'S JESTS: OR, The compleat Jester.

The Lady and Tenant.

A Lady inviting some of her Tenants to Dinner at a Christmas, as soon as Grace was said fell to commending her meat; saying, there was a Sir-loyn of Beef, the Ox whereof cost ten pounds, and a Capon that cost half a Crown, &c. A poor man sit­ting at the lower end of the Table, hearing her discourse, fell straightways upon the Ca­pon, before the others were past their roast Beef: the Lady seeing that, called to him, saying, My friend, eat some of that roast [Page 2] Beef. No Madam (said he) an Ox of ten pounds is too dear meat for me, a Capon of half a Crown will serve my turn well enough, I thank you.

Another.

THe same Lady carving a wing of a most dainty Bird to another of her Guests, told him that those sorts of Birds were worth no less then five pounds a dozen: To whom the fellow said, If you please Madam, I will content my self with Beef or Pork, and give me my share of those Birds in money.

Will. Summers and Cardinal Woolsey.

WIll. Summers that was first Cardi­nal Woolsey's Fool, hearing that his Master was like to be Pope, came run­ning to the Cardinal, and with great ex­pressions of joy, told him what he ha [...] heard: Why art thou so over-joy'd at this news, said Woolsey to his Fool? Marry quoth Will, because that I hope when you are Pope, you will do as St. Peter did when he was Pope. What was that, said the Cardinal? Why St. Peter, when he was Pope he brought in Lent, and all the Fastings days because his Father and Brothers were Fishermen; and I hope when you are Pope, you will [Page 3] put them all down, because your Father and Brothers were Butchers.

King Henry the Eighth.

KIng Henry the Eighth having behead­ed two or three of his Wives, and desirous still of more change, sent a Messen­ger into Germany, to treat with a very ho­nourable Lady there in way of Marriage; she that had heard how he had served other of his Wives before, returned this answer by the Messenger, That to be his Queen she would willingly venture her body, but she was very loath to venture her head.

This Scholar deserv'd Wine.

A Young and pregnant Scholar who was Nephew to an Arch-bishop of Canter­bury; the Bishop sent him from his own Table a Dish of Fish, and bad that he should make a pair of Verses ex tempore upon that subject; which the Scholar presently did in this manner:

Mittitur in disco mihi piscis ab Archiepisco▪
Po non ponatur, quia potus non mihi datur.

The Arch-bishop, and they that were at Table with him, laughed heartily at the [Page 4] conceit; but one Gentleman who under­stood not Latine, wisht it had been in Eng­lish, that he might have laught with them; whereupon the paper was sent back to the Scholar, that he should turn it into Eng­lish, which he did thus:

There was sent me fish, in a dish, from the Arch­bish­Hop
was not here, because he sent no beer.

An impertinent Host.

AN Host (a small Wit) had bargain' [...] with an humorous Painter for the new drawing of his Sign, which was to be that of St. George and the Dragon; an [...] most earnestly and often, even to the inter­ruption of his work, importuned and intreated him to have an especial care, that he drew St. George with a most killing Countenance (to the life) and ever and a non renewing his desire, the choleric [...] Painter looked very sternly upon him, and taking off his Pencil from the frame, said Mine Host, be quiet, and leave your prating or (the Devil take my wife) if I do not make the Dragon kill St. George.

The Cut-purse and Watch.

A Company of Gentlemen being drink­ing together in an Ale-house, a bold Cut-purse intruded himself into their company: at last' one of the Gentlemen mist his Watch; and knowing he had it when he came into the room, a Constable was straight sent for, where by mutual con­sent it was agreed amongst them, that all the Company there present should be searched for it; amongst which was this Cut-purse, but he had before conveyed it into such a se­cret place in his hose, that nothing was found about him; but long he had not sat there, when the Watch which had a La­rum in it, rang such a peal, as gave notice to them all who was the Thief; which he seeing, gave the Gentleman his Watch a­gain, saying, What ill luck had I to escape the Constable, and be taken by the Watch?

The Gallant Cut-purse.

ANother Cut-purse being in a very gen­tile habit, or as we ordinarily say, as fine as a Lord, had in a Crowd nipt the Bung of a Country-man, and taken away all his mony; which the Country-man perceived well enough, but seeing him so brave, durst [Page 6] not charge him with it. Soon after, his hand was taken in another mans Pocket, and a cry being made of a Cut-purse, a Cut-purse, he was thereupon hurried away by the multitude before a Justice of the Peace, with whom the Country-man went along for company; where when the accuser had done his tale, the Country-man stepped up before the Justice, and told him, That his worship (meaning the Thief) had also sto­len away his purse. Marry, said the Justice, and I'll tell ye friend, we shall make so bold [...] to hang his worship for the same.

One cured of his money.

ONe who had gotten a pain in his limbs rid down to the Bath to be cured of the same; but being come thither, h [...] chanced to light into some drunken company, where first he spent all his money, afterwards sold his Horse, and spent that: upon his return he told some of his friends that he was perfectly cured, For though be ri [...] down to the Bath on Horse-back, yet he ca [...] up again from thence on foot.

Sir Harry Vane.

SIr Harry Vane Junior having made Speech in the long-Parliament, abo [...] [Page 7] the beginning thereof; when he had done, Sir Arthur Hazelrig stept up and said, Well Gentlemen, if young Sir Harry Vane lives till he be old— and breaking off there abruptly, one said, Sir Arthur, and what then? then (said he) he will be old Sir Harry Vane.

The Jesuite and Fryar.

A Jesuite preaching at the great Church in Padua, towards the end of his Ser­mon, he fell into a large commendation of the Order of the Jesuites, extolling it a­bove all the religious Orders that then were, or ever had been in the world, giving God thanks, that he had the happiness to be of that Order; and in the close of his discourse, he told his Auditory that he would acquaint them with a Vision which he had lately seen: The other night (said he) I dreamed that I was in Hell, where me thought I saw Popes, Emperours, Kings, Queens, Cardinals, Bishops, Abbots, Monks, Fryars, and some of all sorts of men both Ecclesiastical and secular, but not one Je­suite amongst them all; which made me to bless God that ever I was born to be of so blessed a Society; which though it had sent so many thousands of that holy Order to the Grave, yet never any of them went [Page 8] to Hell; and so he concluded his Sermon with a fresh Encomium of the Society of Jesuits. The next Sunday after, a Domi­nican Fryar preached in the same Church, and he also, towards the end of his Sermon fell upon the high praises of the Order of the Jesuits; repeating much of the Jesuits Ser­mon the day before, and bewayling him­self that it was not his fortune to be of that holy Order, whereof none ever went to Hell, as the Reverend Father had told them the day before; at last he told the people, that he also had seen a Vision, and dreamed likewise one night that he was in Hell, where he saw Popes, Emperours, Kings, Cardinals, and all sorts of Orders, as the Je­suit had notably shewed them the day be­fore; but not a Jesuite (said the Fryar) could be seen amongst them all: then thought I to my self, O what a blessed Or­der is this, that there should not be a Jesuit there! and still I cast my eyes all over Hell, wishing my self had been a Jesuit and not a Dominican, to see not one piece of that Order there: At last me thought I beckon­ed a little Devil to me, and askt softly in his ear, whether there were any Jesuits in that place or no? He answered, That there were none there, but that they were kept [Page 9] in a Hell by themselves, which is a great room under this, where (said the little Devil) there be abundance of them; and they come hither so fast, that my Master Lucifer scarce knows were to bestow them; and besides, they are so unruly, that if they were not kept by themselves, every body would be soon weary of this place: adding withal, that his Master durst not let them have any Gun-powder, for fear they should blow up Hell it self.

Three Wishes produced but a Ladle.

A Poor Country-man had so spent his time in true and honest pains, con­tented and not murmuring, that Fortune seemed to smile upon him, as oft as he came to worship at her Temple, whither he oft re­sorted; the gracious looks of the Goddess encouraged him to ask something more then before he used; and yet considering with himself, that too bold a Votary might be repulsed, he modestly bounded his re­quest with this suit, that her goodness would confer three wishes upon him, which from the Oracle was answered, Ratified, wish, and be happy. The joyful man ac­quainted his Wife straight, who having been the constant companion of his Labours, [Page 10] was to meet share in his good fortunes; and desired of her Husband that one of those wishes might be left to her disposal. The good old man willing to gratifie her, grant­ed her request: so to the Fair they came▪ whither they were bound, and the woman casting her eyes round about, to see what she should make the choice of her wish, at last (remembring what she wanted at home) spyed a handsome wooden Ladle, which she forthwith wished for, and as soon the thing was in her hand; which her Husband seeing, and impatient at the miscarriage of the first wish, wroth with his Wife for her simplicity, wished the Ladle in her Breech which out of hand was instantly ther [...] But the poor woman (like a Fly with a stra [...] in the same place) was so tormented, besides the shame, that she desired her Husband, that as he ever hop'd to partake [...] [...]he delights of the opposite place, he would remove this impediment: to which the U [...] orious man condescended, and in chari [...] to his Wife, wished it out again: So as the three wishes went in and out with Ladle.

A providential Father.

THere was a Gentleman who was very discreet, and searching into the Na­tures and dispositions of his Family, and finding amongst his Daughters that one, and one of the least and youngest, was ripest, and more requiring then the rest; very provi­dentially provided her a Husband. The Virgin over-joy'd that her good hour was come, could not contain and be content that the Servants should invite the Guests, but her self would needs speak to some of especial familiarity with her, unwilling any should forestall the news to those, whom she wish'd in the same happy condition with her self; which when she had done to her play-fellows, (for she was not well wean'd from that society) they wonder'd, and said, (good Lady!) Mrs. Dorothy, how comes it to pass that you are so forward, and leap over your Sisters heads? we should never have believ'd it, but from your own sweet lips. Truely (said she, simpering, and with her Handkerchief at her mouth) it were presumptuously done, but that my Father, who knows me of an Egg, gave very good reason for it, for he said, (I know not what he meant by it) That some Eggs would hatch [Page 12] in an Oven, and that in hot weather things w'ont keep without salt.

The Vintners Boy.

TWo Gentlemen being drinking in a Tavern, chanced so [...]o fall out, that from words they proceeded to blows; whereupon soon after ensued a suit of Law: the main witness to prove what was done, was the Vintners Boy, who being sub-poena'd and sworn at the day of tryal, began to tell his tale in this sort: My Lord (said he) I live at the sign of the St. Pauls head, my name is John, and by reason I draw to Gentlemen of the best Wine, they have given me the appella­tion of honest, so that I am now commonly called honest John. My Lord seeing him so impertinent in his preface, called to him, and bid him speak to the matter, for that was quite besides it. I'll warrant you (said John) you shall find it to the purpose present­ly, and thereupon proceeded: My Lord, these two Gentlemen came in there to drink, the one of them his name is Mr. B. the other Mr. F. it was about three of the Clock in the after­noon, and we had newly risen from dinner: we had to dinner that day a piece of boild powder'd Beef, and butter'd Turneps, and part of a roasted Brest of Mutton cold; I could not eat [Page 13] very much of it, by reason I had gotten a cold with sitting-up late two or three nights before. My Lord hearing him flie out thus again in his impertinences, bid him speak more home to the matter, or else hold his tongue for a Doe. My Lord (said John) I was sworn to speak the truth, and all the truth, and I am resolved to do it; and so went on: These two Gentlemen asked for a room, and I shewed them up into the green Chamber, it was two stories high, upon the left hand as soon as you are up two pair of Stairs. Honest John (said my Lord) if thou art so called, trouble us not with these impertinences, but come to the matter. I am about it, quoth John, and so proceeds: As soon as they were in the room, they said unto me, Now honest John bring us up a pint of the best Canary, which I did; it was of the furthermost Pipe but one in all our Sel­lar, and we had no better wine in all the house; it cost my Master four and twenty pound the Pipe: as I was going up the stairs, my Master called to me, and asked me whither I was carry­ing up that pint of wine, and I told him to the two Gentlemen. John (said my Lord) that is not the question I asked you, but what pas­sed betwixt these two Gentlemen? I shall tell you, quoth John, presently: When I had carried them up the wine, and that they had [Page 14] tasted of it, they told me that I was as good as my word, and that it was of the best Canary. But, said my Lord, what is this to the pur­pose? Yes (said John) it is to the purpose, and if your Lordship pleases to come thither at any time, I shall draw ye of the same wine, and then you will say that honest Johns words were true indeed. My Lord seeing no good to be done with John, bid them set him aside, which John took in very great dudgeon, professing he had spoken nothing but the truth, neither durst he speak any thing but what was true, his Master bidding him be­fore he came to have a special care of what he said. After some other Witnesses be­ing examined, the Counsel on the Plantiffs side began to speak in the name of his Cly­ent (as the usual custom is) saying, My Lord, we came into this Tavern with a peaceable in­tention, onely to drink a pint of wine with that Gentleman, where we were by him abused, bea­ten and misused, and put in danger of our life. John hearing him to say so, could for­bear no longer, but stepping up, said, My Lord, that fellow with the coyfe there tells a most damnable lye, for he says he was beaten and misused in our house, when (I can justifie) that he never was in our house in all his life.

[...]

A Ric [...] [...] [...]ntestate, his son came up to London to take out Let­ters of Administration of his Estate, but be­ing unacquainted with the customs belong­ing to the Spiritual Courts, he went first to a friend of his, telling him, That his Father dyed detested, leaving onely him and two young Infidels, and therefore he was devised to come up to London to a Concealer of the Law, that he might thereby deminish the Estate.

Good to save something for last.

ONe who was much conceited of his wit, had made several Encomions on his Mistress, beginning first with her head, and so proceeded upon each member, until such time as he came to her feet, missing no part save onely her neck; the reason whereof being demanded, O, said one, there is great reason for that, He reserves the neck-verse for himself, knowing he shall have occasion for it hereafter.

TWo men walking through a Church­yard, one of them affirmed that the Grave was Hell; the other who had a shrewd curst wife lately buried there, point­ing [Page 16] to her Grave, said▪ Then one of the great­est Devils in Hel [...] [...]

Too true, the more's the pitty.

ONe that was a common swearer, being sub-poena'd upon a tryal at Law, where a Book was tender'd him whereon to take his Oath, he told them they might save that labour, For there was no oath but he could swear it without Book.

Nothing ask'd, nothing given.

ONe asked a certain boon of a Gentle­man, for which his main reason to in­force it, was this; Alas, Sir, you may very well grant it me, for this is nothing. To whom the Gentleman replyed; Sir, I shall grant you your request, for (according to your own words) 'tis nothing that you ask me, and so nothing I grant you.

Children and Fools tell truth.

ONe was chiding his Prentice for being so great a gurmundizer, telling him that his Mistress did not eat the fourth part so much as he, and yet she was plump and fair; to whom the Prentice said, I onely eat at set meals, but my Mistress hath Cul­lises before Dinner, and sweet-meats after [Page 17] dinner, and puts more into her belly then ever you see or heard [...]

A double mistake.

A Gentleman lodging in a strange Inne, having store of mony in his pockets, put his Breeches under the Bolster, when he went to Bed to secure them: but the next morning (having gotten a pretty dose over night) he had quite forgotten where he had bestowed them; and having fruitlesly searched a pretty while, despairing of find­ing them, he called for the Chamberlain, asking him if he knew what was become of them? Sir, (said the Chamberlain) are you sure that you brought any in with you? Why, quoth the Gentleman, do you think that I came without Breeches? Sir, said he, if you are sure that you brought them with you, you had best search your pockets, and I question not but you will finde them there.

Some seeking to praise, dispraise.

A Gentleman having invited (about the Lent-time) some friends to his house, his Lady provided such chear as was seasonable, the Collops and Eggs, and as it fell out (a Hog being slain) she had a ser­vice [Page 18] vice of the puddings, which being deserved­ly commended by t [...] [...]ests; Nay, said the Gentleman, frie [...] be [...] known to you, my wife is abomination good pudding-wife.

A Taylors Hell.

A Certain Taylor, who had in his life­time damned many a peece of Stuff to Hell; at last chanced to fall extreamly sick, and being in a trance, he thought he saw all the Feinds of Hell mustered in his Chamber, where they displayed a Banner of sundry colour'd Silks which he had sto­len, wishing that he might finde them all in Hell. This Vision so affrighted him, that upon his recovery he reformed his life, carried home what was remaining of any Garment, and laid a special charge upon his Journey-man, that if any stuff brought in fell out too large, if he saw his fingers in­clined to filch, that he should put him in minde of the Vision. Not long after, a Cap­tain of a Ship brought to him some Velvet to make him thereof a pair of Breeches, which being too much, he snipt away three quarters of a yard of it under his Shop­board: his Journey-man seeing this, called to him, and said, Remember Master the Vision: Peace knave (said he) peace, there [Page 19] was not one su [...]h colour as this in all the whole Flag.

Anger without cause.

A Gentleman sent to an Arras-maker, bidding him to work him on a piece of Cloath the figure of a Castle with a Dog in it, sitting upon his tail and barking, and at the Castle-gate a man standing in ar­mour; all which the Work-man promised to do, and not long after brought it unto him. But when the Gentleman saw it, he began to fume, asking the work-man where was the Dog that he bid him to make? O Sir, said the work-man, I suppose those that are in the Castle are now gone to dinner, and the Dog may be in some corner gnaw­ing of a bone.

A costly truth.

A Wealthy Citizen had a riotous spend­thrift to his son, whereupon he vow­ed that when he dyed, he would give all his Estate to the poor. In a little whiles time his son, what with Dice, and what with Drabs, had spent all the maintainance that he had; whereupon he told his Father that he might now give all his Estate to him, and yet keep his vow, for he could not give it to one poorer then himself.

A witty theivish answer.

A Fellow that was weary of going on foot, spying a lusty Gelding in a Pa­sture, was resolved to ride, but having no bridle (and a halter being ominous) he was enforced to imbrace the Brute about his neck, and with all speed made to the road: But the Owner being in some grounds not far off, and espying the cheat, made after him undiscovered, and being very well hors'd, over-took this rank Rider; and requiring of him the reason of his speed, the other said, Sir, are you in a good hour the Master of this wilde Jade? In a good hour I am, re­plyed the Gentleman, for half an hour la­ter I believe had alterd the case. In troth, Sir, (said the Theif) it is the joy of my heart that you have thus happily over-taken me, for this head-strong Jade might very well have run away with me: Or else, said the Gentleman, you have run away with him, for therein was most danger; but howsoe­ver I will ease you of that trouble; and so dis­mounting him, forced him to walk on foot to the next Village, where at the Whipping-post he had the price of his postage scored up upon his [...]

More afraid then hurt.

A Gentleman in a Duel-having received a small scratch, being unaccustomed to wounds, sent for a Chyrurgion in all haste to dress him; who having opened it, bid his man with all speed possible fetch such a salve from such a place in his Study. Why, quoth the Gentleman, is the hurt so dangerous? O yes (answered the Chyrur­gion) if he returns not the speedier, the wound will heal it self, and so I shall loose my fee.

A mistake.

A Mechanick in the late times of liber­tism, when every one took a free­dom to himself to preach and prate what he would; this fellow usurping the Pulpit, would needs be in his comparisons, how that the wicked kept company and flocked together, even like, saith he, as you see the Crows how they fly in the Air by them­selves, and the Rooks fly in the Air by themselves; the White Herrings they swim in the Sea by themselves, and the Red Herrings they swim in the Sea by them­selves.

Another.

A Young Maid being come out of the Country to live in London, upon a discourse concerning Lent, and what Coun­tries were best provided for Fish; she very soberly attested, that where she was born (being near the Sea-side) the Fisher-men there with their Nets did catch so many Red Her­rings, as served all their County, not onely for Lent, but for Wednesdays and Frydays all the year long.

Wit without Book.

ONe having read a very pithy, learned and witty Dedication before a flat, dull, foolish Book, he very much admired, and said, how they should come to be so match'd together: In truth, said another, they may very well be match'd together, for I pro­fess they are nothing of kin.

Of Witches.

A Company being in a place together discoursing of Witches, one of them affirming that there were no Witches; a woman then present with more earnestness (I suppose) then truth, contradicted him, saying, That there were Witches, she knew it by experience.

Of the Wall.

ONe walking in London-streets, met a Gallant, who cryed to him a pretty distance beforehand, I will have the wall. Yea, (answered he) and take the house too, if you can but agree with the Landlord.

An alone Jest.

ANother passing along London-streets, saw written upon a Paper that was fixed on a Door: This House and Shop is to be let: which he having read, asked a Shop­keeper at the next Door, If that Shop were not to be let alone? Yea, (said he) you may let it alone if you please.

The Spaniards wooden God.

A Country man in Spain coming to an Image enshrined, the extruction and first making whereof he could well remem­ber; and not finding from the same that respectful usuage which he expected, You need not be so proud (said he) for I have known you from a Plum-tree.

A friend at need.

SOme Guests being at Dinner at a Gen­tlemans table; amongst other di­scourse, [Page 24] the Mistress of the house asked a Gentleman, how many Children he had. Madam, said he, my wife hath eight. Now fie, said she, these men are always putting of causeless suspitions upon women; why could you not as well have said that you had eight? Tush, quoth her husband, why do you blame the Gentleman? he hath spoken very discreetly, for it might redound to his shame to name all his own Children, and therefore he onely tells you how many his Wife hath.

Who are Debters.

ONe notwithstanding that he owed much, was boasting that he was out of Debt; to whom another said, That may very well be, for those onely are in debt who mean to pay it.

A wise question of a Mahumetan.

A Persian in England attending on the Embassador, anno 1625; who per­ceiving wealthy people in London, in the time of the Plague tumultuously posting to their Country Houses: What (saith he) have the English-men two Gods, the one for the City, and the other for the Country?

A hungry Banquet.

ONe invited some friends in a comple­menting way home to dinner with him, which contrary to his expectation was ac­cepted of; in their way as they went, he told them though they found short of meat at his house, yet they should have good sauce; which he made good in the performance, for when they came to his house, there was not any Victuals, and hunger (you know) is of all other the best sauce.

Health before Wealth.

A Rich man told a poor man that he walked to get a stomack for his meat: And I (said the poor man) walk to get meat for my stomack.

The building of Cripple-gate.

TWo men walking by Cripple-gate, one of them asked the other from whence the name of that Gate was derived, to which he answer'd, That there was a Cripple of famous memory, who stole the golden Wea­ther-cock from Pauls Steeple, before it was a Tower, which was, said he, the highest piece of desperate valour that ever was performed, but that his Piety was as noto­rious [Page 26] as his Sacriledge, for with the same Weather-cock he built this Gate, which e­ver since retains his name.

The Fryars Doctrine.

A Fryar being to preach, took for hi [...] Text this Theme, Erat qu [...]dam homo, which is in English, There was a certain man ▪ Out of which words, say [...] he, you must not that the Text says there was, it doth no [...] say there is: for now adays men are uncer­tain, both in promise, oath, word an [...] deed; yet however you finde by my Tex [...] that a certain man there was, but if yo [...] search all the Bible over, you cannot find this Text, That there was a certain woman.

Earl Gowry

WHen Gowry (who attempted to ki [...] King James) was had to the To [...] er, a friend of his told him, Ah, my Lord I am sorry you had no more Wit. Tu [...] (quoth he) thou knowest not what thou saye [...] when sawest thou a fool come hither?

A shirking shift.

A Nimble Taylor coming to an In [...] something late at night, was by reason of his handsome outside lodged in a better [Page 27] room and bed then he deserved; for the Candle being left with him, he very suc­cinctly made him a good Shirt of one of the Holland Sheets, dispatching the remaining shreds in the fire. In the morning he found very much fault with his lodging, for that he had but one Sheet; the Wench swore she thought she brought two: and none ever imagining the conversion of the Linen, he came cleanly off, though he came lowzily on, being better able to shift ever after.

A Parson out-witted by a Woman.

A Woman whose Neighbour was dead, was sent by the deceaseds wife to a Parson, to speak to him to preach a Funeral Sermon; she that would dispatch her bu­siness throughly, having a promise of him to do it, would likewise be so inquisitive as to know the price of it: The Parson told her twenty shillings was the lowest. Why, said she, an Ass once spake for an Angel, and will not you speak under a piece? The Parson feel­ing himself a little gall'd, told her she was better fed then taught. True, said she, for my husband feeds me, and you teach me.

The Country-man and Mastive Dog.

A Poor man having a Pike-staff on his shoulder, and travaili [...]g thorough [...] Country Village, a great Mas [...]ive Cur ra [...] mainly at him, so that hardly he could de­fend him from himself. At the length it was his chance to kill the Dog: for which the owner immediately apprehending him▪ and bringing him before a Justice, alleadge [...] that he had slain his Servant, which de­fended his life, house and goods, and there­fore challenged satisfaction. The Justice leaning more in favour to the Plaintiff, as being his Friend, Neighbour and familia [...] then to the justice of the cause, reprove the poor fellow very sharply, and peremptorily commanded him to make satisfaction, or else he would commit him to pr [...] son. That were injustice, replyed the poor man, because I killed him in defen [...] of my own life, which deserveth much better respect then a Million of such Cur [...] Sirrah, sirrah, said the Justice, then you should have turned the other end of you Staff, and not the Pike; so the Dogs li [...] had been saved, and your own in no danger. True, Sir (quoth the fellow) if the Dog would have turn'd his tail and bit [...] [Page 29] with that, and not his teeth, then we both had parted quietly.

Much adoe about nothing.

A Brace of Students who were kept short of the Colledge-fines (for that [...]as meat for their betters) while their Se­niors were sharing that money, walkt in their Grove, (taking the fresh Air without any contradiction of Superiours:) At last one makes a supposition, If thou or I now should happily finde a purse of Gold, how should we divide it? They were you must conceive of different degrees, one Master, the other Batchelor of Arts. The Master of Arts like the Lyon, asked the greatest part; the other said no, Simul occupantes, aequè divi­dentes: Equal purchase, equal share. The Master would not forgo his priviledge of Se­niority; the Junior insisted upon his title of half: at last it grew so hot, that they fell to cuffs, and bang'd one another very sound­ly, until weary of their blows, they began to examine each other of the ground of their falling out, which was no other then about the divident of a purse of gold which was never yet found.

Truth mistaken.

A Lady sent her servant to the Play-house, to inquire what Play was acted that day; the Players told him, 'Tis pitt [...] she is a Whore. The fellow misunderstand­ing them, that they spake this of his Lady▪ and not the name of the Play, when he returned, refused to tell his Lady, but said They were a company of Rogues to abuse his Lady, who was as honest as any of their Mothers.

A shrewd mistake.

ANother seeing in a Play-bill upon post, A great man gull'd, and unde [...] neath, By his Majesties servants, read it thus A great many gull'd by his Majesties Servant [...] adding to it these words: By my soul as tru [...] a thing as ever was writ.

A witty retort.

MR. Burbage the Player riding a Gallop up the Strand, one called t [...] him out of a Tavern-window, asking his what Play was to be acted that day: he being angry to be stopped upon such a frivolous business, told him he might see that upon every Post. O cry you mercy (said the other) indeed I took you for a Post, you rid s [...] fast.

Mr. Beaumont and Mr. Fletcher.

MR. Beaumont and Mr. Fletcher those Gemini of Wit and Learning, being about to make the Play called, The Maids Tragedy: whiles it was yet in the Embryo, they being walking in the fields contriving their design, of which one part was concern­ing murdering a King, one saying he would have him stabb'd, the other poysoned; A Country fellow who undiscerned heard their discourse, concluding it no less then high Treason that they were about, fol­lowed them to the next Town, and ob­serving the Tavern whither they went to drink, hyed him to the Constable, who taking a strong Guard along with him, apprehended the two Gentlemen; but be­ing had before a Justice of the Peace, they making the truth of the matter appear, were soon dismist; when returning to the Ta­vern, they had great store of mirth to see their Tragedy to have such a Comical beginning.

THe same Play being to be acted in the time of the Rump-Parliament; in that part thereof where a Lady was to be sworn to secresie concerning the murther of the [Page 32] King asoresaid; some being of Opinion to binde her to it one way, and some another: A Gentleman Spectator hearing the Con­troversie, bid them to give her the Covenant, and he would warrant them that would do it.

Valorous Love.

A Butcher being once at a Play, called, The Greeks and Trojans, seeing Hector over-powred by Myrmidons, got upon the Srage, and with his Battoon took the Tro­jans part so stoutly, that he soon routed the Greeks, and rayled upon them loudly for [...] company of cowardly slaves to assault one man with so much odds. He stroke moreover such an especial aquaintance with He­ctor, that for a long time Hector could not obtain leave of him to be kill'd, that the Play might go on; and the cudgelled Myrmidons durst not enter again, till Hect [...] having prevailed upon his unexpected s [...] cond, returned him over the Stage agai [...] into the yard from whence he came.

Of Mr. Johnson.

BEn. Johnson the famous Comoedia [...] having been drinking at the Devi [...] Tavern; as he came down stairs his fo [...] slipt, so that he fell down three or four ste [...] [Page 33] at once, and in his fall beating against a door, made it to fly open, in which were a company of Gentlemen a drinking: having recovered himself, and gotten again upon his feet, he said unto them, Since it was my chance Gentlemen to fall into your company, I intend for to drink with you before that I go.

Another.

AT another time Ben. Johnson being in place with a company of Gentlemen, who were busie in riming; one of them con­cluding his Speech with Nebuchadonozer, another said it was impossible for any one to make a rime to that: Yes, said Ben. that may be done thus: A mischief light on you Sir.

A Poetical Jest.

MR. Randolph (whom all must acknow­ledge for one of the prime Wits of his age) having been drinking hard late one [...]ight, the next morning went to an Ale­ [...]ouse to quench that thirst which com­monly burns in a man after immoderate drinking: there was in the same room with [...]im two Mizers, who had adventured upon [...]e costly charge of a penny a piece for their [...]ornings draught. Now Mr. Randolph by [...]ason of his drought spitting very dry, [Page 34] one of these Mizers perceiving it white, i­magining it to be a piece of Silver, stooped to take it up; which Mr. Randolph seeing, said unto him, I pray, Sir, do not rob the Spittle.

A good Jest d'you see?

A Certain Vintner was extreamly troubled with the word d'you see, so tha [...] upon all occasions he would be sure to u [...] it: upon a time being put to it to say Grace he began, The eyes of all things, d'you see do look unto thee, d'you see? and tho [...] providest their meat, d'you see? in due season, d'you see? and so on d'you see, t [...] he came to Amen d'you see. But before [...] had done, no man could see for laughing which so vexed him, that he swore he wou [...] not say Grace d'you see? so long as he liv [...] for this, d'you see? that a man should laugh'd at for his good will, d'you see?

Another of that kinde.

MUch of the same nature was that of Judge, whose customary word to a [...] material thing was, in that kinde. He being once to give a charge at the Affizes, beg [...] thus: Gentlemen of the Jury, you oug [...] to inquire after Recusants in that kinde, [...] such as do not frequent the Church in t [...] [Page 35] kinde; but above all, such as haunt Ale­houses in that kinde; notorious Whore­masters in that kinde, Drunkards and Blas­phemers in that kinde, and all notorious of­fenders in that kinde, are to be presented in that kinde, and as the Laws direct in that kinde, must be proceeded against in that kinde; which set all the people into such a laughter of that kinde, that being charged by the Cryer to silence, they could not, till they had ended laughing and crying together: And a Gentleman after the Court arose, being asked how he liked the Judges charge, said, It was the best in that kinde, that e­ver he heard.

Queen Mary and Heywood.

QUeen Mary lying upon her death-bed, Mr. Heywood the Poet came to see her, to whom she said; Ah Heywood, here they in­tend to kill me, for my Physitians will force me to sweat, which is so great a pain to me, that I will rather dye then to endure it. Madam (said he) be contented, you must sweat, or else I swear we shall all sweat for it.

French arms and French harms.

A Stranger coming up to London, chanced to happen into a house of iniquity, [Page 36] which had the Flower-de-luce to its Signe, where he got a Clap with a French Coul-staff; whereupon at his going forth, he wrote this Verse over the Door:

All you who hither chance to come,
Mark well ere you go in;
For French-mens arms are Signs without,
And French-mens harms within.

A gall'd Horse will wince.

ONe called a man Ass before his wifes face, whereat she was nothing dis­pleased; soon after he called him Ox, at which she began to curse and to swear: A [...] Mistress (said he) now I see you begin to wince, when I touch your husband in the gall'd place.

A new way to get Mony.

NO longer ago then in the year 1666, a certain Quaker, upon a certain day, came a wooing to a certain Widow, living in a certain place not far from Aldgate: In the conclusion of his wooing discourse, he told her he had forgotten to bring his purse with him; and being to buy some wares be­fore his return, Canst thou not (said he) lend me an Angel of the worldy Mammon till I s [...] thee again? Yea, (said she) I will lend the [Page 37] an Angel; but this spirit of light could ne­ver see the way to the House any more af­terwards, for neither he nor the Angel ever appeared to her again.

All covet, all loose.

A Poor Clyent went to a rich Lawyer to have his Counsel in a certain Cause, which after some long attendance he ob­tained; but going away without paying him, the Lawyer asked him for mony: Sir, said the Clyent, I have no coyn, but will it please you to take a Hare? The Lawyer who had rather play at small Game then stand out, told him that he would: Then (quoth the fellow) you must run apace, for this morning one run quite away from me.

Cromwel and the Scotch Parson.

WHen Cromwel was with his Army in Scotland, one Andrew Cant a Scotch Parson was to preach before him; who in his Prayer used these expressions, Lear [...], we beseech thee, look down here upon our Ge­neral before us, and [...] thou hast put a sweard into his hands, see, we beseech thee, to put it into his heart, for the geud of the three Nations.

No Plague greater then a curst Wife.

IN a great Plague-time, a Constable pas­sing by one of his Neighbours houses heard his wife soundly basting him; where­fore that night he set up a Red-cross upon the door. The man next morning seeing it, was highly offended, and complained thereof to the Alderman of the Ward; who whereupon was sent for to answer wherefore he did it. To which the Con­stable said, Yesterday passing by his house, I heard his wife soundly belam him, and I think there can be no greater Plague in a house then that.

A Bull.

A Citizen riding from London to Cam­brige, upon his return, some of his friends asked him what he saw worthy of notice in his Journey: Truely, said he, I saw little memorable, but onely at a place called Stableford, where was a Church tyled with thatch.

The Gallant and Gentlewoman.

A Young Gallant having some discourse with a Gentlewoman, of which she doubted the truth of it; he to confirm it, said, Upon my soul, Madam, it is true. To [Page 39] which she replyed, Pray stake down some other pawn, for that is forfeited long ago.

The Sick-man.

A Man lying desperately sick, was advised by his Physitians to prepare himself for Heaven, for he was not like to continue long in this world: I (saith he) God par­don me as I forgive all them that have in­jur'd me; and for such a one who hath much wronged me, I pardon him with all my soul; but if it please God that I recover this sickness, I will be revenged on him, if it be possible.

Hanging ends all trouble.

A Plain Country-man riding up to the Term, met by the way a Prisoner, who was going to the Gallows to be hanged; to whom he said aloud, Thrice happy man thee, that hast nothing at all to do at the Term.

The Country-man and his Ass.

A Country-man driving his Ass before the Court-gate, beat and misused the poor Beast; which a Gentleman or two see­ing, bid him be more milde, and favour the dumb Creatu [...]e: with that the Clown [Page 40] straight ways dost his cap, and made a low courtesie to the Ass, saying, I beseech you, good Mas [...]er Ass, pardon my boldness all this while, for I never thought that you had friends in the Court before now.

A Bull.

TWo Neighbours walking in Smithfield on a Market-day, one of them espyed a goodly Stear: Look yonder (said he to his fellow) did you ever see a braver Cow in your life, then is that same Bull?

The Country man and his wife.

A Country-man having been at London, saw there many brave women and o­ther fine Lasses, far surpassing his homely Jone at home; wherefore upon his return, when his wife gave him a mess of hot broath to Supper, he bid her take it away, for he had seen such fine Lasses at London, as had quite taken away his stomack: his Wife asking him if he did not also see fine men there, he replyed, Yes: Why husband (said she) those fine women were made for those fine men. Nay then wife (said he) reach me my porridge again.

The Maids mischance.

A Country-maid riding to the Market in Leaden-hall-street, in the Market-place her Mare stumbled, and down she fell over and over, shewing all that ever God sent her; whereupon being much abasht▪ at rising up again, she turn'd her round abou [...] unto the people, and said, Uds foot (Sirs) did you ever see the like before?

A Painter.

ONe desired a Painter to paint him the Picture of a fair Whore: Sir (said he) you may spare that cost, for if she be a right Whore, she will paint her-self.

The Scold.

A Country-man who had a scold to his wife, when she dyed, he would needs have these two Lines written upon her Grave for an Epitaph:

Here in this ground lyes buried a wife,
Who was a Plague to her husband all the days of her life.

No life to Leachery.

CErtain merry Blades seeing a fair Gen­tlewoman standing at her window, one of them said, I could willingly pawn my Cloak for a nights lodging with yonder Gentlewoman: A Beggar standing by, and over-hearing him, said, I, and thither should my Crutches go too.

Saving in this case the greatest gains.

ONe being in danger of drowning, ano­ther that stood on the shore said to him, If you gain but to yonder tree, you are safe enough. Tell not me (said he) of getting or gaining, for I care now but onely to save my self.

A Bull.

ONe commended a Greyhound of his for an excellent running Dog: Sir, said another, I have a black Bitch at home, I am confident is a better running dog then he.

The young man and his father.

A Young man receiving an hurt on his face which much disfigured him, his father said, it would not have grieved him half so much if it had been in his arm, leg, or any place but there. To whom [Page 43] he son replyed, Oh father, receivers must [...]e no chusers.

The Cuckolds Cap.

A Country-woman whose Hen had new­ly hatched, was perswaded that the Chickens would thrive the better if they were kept in a Cuckolds Cap; whereupon she went to most of her Neighbours to borrow one; but they denying they had any, she in a chafe said, Well, before I will be thus troubled to borrow, I will ere long have one of my own.

The Country-man and Fryar.

A Fryar being belated in his Journey as he travel'd the Country, desired lodging of a poor man, who very charitable to such people, lodged him in his own bed; the Fryar being weary fell fast asleep, and the man and his wife having no other lodging went to bed to him: the next morning the man arose betimes, and went to work, leaving the Fryar abed with his Wife: be­ing at his work he fell into a great laugh­ter, and being by one of his fellows de­manded the reason thereof, I laugh, said he, to think how shamefac'd the Fryar will be whom I left abed with my wife.

The Fryar and the Pope.

A Preaching Fryar came once to see Pope Sixtus the Fourth, who shewed him all his Treasure and Jewels, and withal saying, I cannot say as my Predecessor St. Peter did, Gold and silver have I none. Truely, answer'd the Fryar, neither can you say as he did to the sick, lame, and impotent people, Arise, take up your Couch and walk.

The Arch-bishop and Country-man.

AN Arch-bishop of Cullen riding with a great train after him, by a place where a Country-man was a ditching; the Swain burst out into an exceeding great laughter; which the Bishop perceiving, com­manded him straight before him, and asked him, Why he laughed so? Marry I laugh (said the Pesant) to think that St. Peter, who was the Prince of the Apostles, should live and dye so poor; and that those who pretend to be his Successors should ride in so great Pompe and State. The Arch-bi­shop seeing himself thus nearly toucht, said, My friend, I ride not with this great train as I am an Arch-bishop or Priest, but as I am a Duke and Prince of the Empire. The Swain hearing him say so, burst out into a [Page 45] greater laughter then before; and being a­gain demanded the reason thereof, I laugh (said he) to think that if this Duke, you name your self to be, were in Hell, where do you i­magine the Arch-bishop would be?

The Noble-mans Arms.

THere was a Noble-man which gave the Half-Moon to his Crest, and had it fairly engraven upon a Wall: one of his Pages seeing it, wrote underneath with a Coal, Be it never at full. His Master having knowledge of what he had written, asked him the reason thereof; who answered, Marry, Sir, because the Moon being once at full, of force it must decrease.

A Bull.

A Gentleman and his man riding along the way, the man chanced to spye a fellow astride upon a Cow, and said to his Master, Look yonder, Sir, is one on horse­back upon a Cow. That, said the Gentle­man, is a notorious Bull. Nay, Sir, (said his man) it is a Cow, I kn [...]w by her teats.

Another.

ONe being invited to a Breakfast, there was set before him a Rib of Beef hard­ly [Page 46] roasted: being afterwards asked by one what cheer he had; Why, said he, we had an excellent Rib of roast Beef, but I coul [...] eat none of it, because it was raw.

A merry old man.

ONe asking a merry Blade how old his wife was; he answered, Her mark is not yet out.

A Bull.

TWo men being at Bowls, the one of them fell a swearing grievously. To whom the other said, Wherefore do you swear thus? it is the great mercy of God that the Bowling-green doth not fall up­on our heads.

The hungry Traveller.

TWo Travellers meeting together at an Inne, had a Capon served them in for their dinner: the one of them being very sharp set, to while the other off, asked him whether he had a father living or no? the other answered, No; and withal enter'd into a long discourse, how, where, and when his father dyed. In the mean time the Questionist had eaten up all the best of the Capon; which the tale-teller at last per­ceiving, [Page 47] half angry said unto him, Now I pray you tell me, have you a father living? He answered, No. Then tell me (quoth the other) how he dyed: He very earnest at his victuals, briefly answered, Suddenly, suddenly, very suddenly.

The Taylor and Weaver.

A Taylor and a Weaver being at a Far­mouts house together, had a hot Custard set before them: the Taylor being hungry, very nimbly took a spoonful thereof and put it in his mouth, which so much scalded it, that it made his eyes to run over with water: the other looking on him, asked him why he wept? he not being willing to be known that he had burnt his mouth, told him that he had but one Unkle in all the world, and he was hanged, and whensoe­ver he thought of him it made him to weep. The Weaver thinking he had said true, put a spoonful in his mouth, and burnt it also, that his eyes likewise water'd: the Taylor perceiving it, spake to the Weaver, and said, Tell me wherefore do you cry? The Wea­ver perceiving how he was beguil'd, Marry, said he, I weep because you were not hanged when your Ʋnkle was.

The skilful Physitian.

THere was a Physitian who pretended by his skill in casting of Urines to tell what distemper any man was troubled with; a woman whose husband had fallen down a pair of stairs, went with her husbands [...]a­ter to this cunning Leach, who having by discourse pumpt out as much as he could of the Woman, at last guest that he fell down eight stairs; but the woman making it ap­pear that it was eleven, he asked her if there were all the water: she confessing there was some left, O then (said he) there went the three stairs away.

The Gardiner and his wife.

A Gardner being to be hanged, his wife followed him to the Gallows to give him her last kiss; who spying her said, Out upon ye you idle quean, we are to like thrive well at the years end, when there cannot be a meeting in the Country but you must be at it; home and weed houswife, home and weed, and do not stand loytering here.

A Tinkers Character.

ONe said that a Tinker was no coward but a man of Metle, and that a canting [Page 49] Rogue was an enemy to Hostlers, be­cause he was of the Infantry, and al­ways went on foot.

Of early rising.

A Father chid his Son for lying so long abed in the morning, telling him that such a one with early rising had found a bag of gold; to whom the son answer'd, Too early rose he (father) that lost it.

Of Roger Bale.

ONe Roger Bale a poor Carpenter, but a good Workman, was for his skill em­ployed chief Master in the building of a Bridge, whereby he gained so much that he became a rich man. And in ostentation up­on one of the main Posts thereof engraved these words, (Roger Bale made this Bridge) another came after, and wrote underne [...]th with a coal ( This Bridge made Roger Bale)

Of Wood the great eater.

WOod the great eater of Kent having over-cloy'd himself with feeding too much upon a wager, being invited to some more teeth-exploits the next day, he complained that he had lost his stomack; Well, said one that stood by, if a poor man [Page 50] happen to finde the same, he is for certain ut­terly undone.

The Parson and his man.

A Certain Parson sent his man one Sun­day morning to one Davids a Butcher, for some meat for his Dinner: Mean while he went to Church to Preach, and having taken out his Text, was reciting many au­thorities out of Scripture for the proof of the same, And now (says he) what says Da­vid to this matter? Just as he said this, in steps his man at the Church-door, and hearing him talk of David, said aloud, N [...] more meat (he swears) unless you pay his the old score.

Of Musitians.

A Gentleman being asked his opinion concerning Musitians, said, that si [...] were a Consort, five Musitians, four Fidlers and three Rogues.

A cunning Lass.

A Bridegroom the first night he was in bed with his Bride, said unto her When as at such a time I sollicited thy chastity, hadst thou then condescended, I would never have made thee my wife, for I did [...] [Page 51] onely to try thee. Faith (said she) I i­magined as much, but I had been cozened so three or four times before, and I was resolved to be cozen'd so no more.

The slender-witted Gentleman.

IN Spain and those other Countries where the Pope hath Dominion, the Bishops marry not. A Spanish Gentleman who had [...] slender-witted son, on a time he taught him how to entertain guests with some discourse, as to ask them, How doth your Wife and your Children, your Brother and Sister, &c. The next day a Bishop came to this Gentlemans house, and the Wise-acre his son thus saluted him: I pray you (my Lord) how doth your Wife and your Children, your Sons and your Daughters, your Brothers and your Sisters? &c.

Easier to come down then go up.

A Certain Preacher who desired higher preferment, on a time after his Ser­mon was ended, coming down the Pulpit, a Gentleman proffer'd him his hand to help him down; Pardon me, Sir, (said he) may it please you rather to help me up, for I can come down alone fast enough.

The Fryar and Woman.

A Fryar being very busie in his Sermon, espyed a woman as busie in talk to one of her Gossips: whereupon he called to her and said, Thou woman in the tawny Gown there, leave thy babling. The wo­man angry to be reprehended thus openly, quickly answer'd, I beshrew his heart that bableth most of us two.

The Dominican and Franciscan Fryars.

A Dominican and a Franciscan Fryar travelling together on the way, came to a Brook, where the Dominican requested the Franciscan, (because he was bare-foot) to carry him over upon his back, to which he willingly condescended, and being in the midst of the Channel, he said to the Domi­nican, Tell me Brother, have you any mo­ny about ye? The Dominican thinking he looked for something for his pains, an­swered, Yes; then said the Franciscan, You know my Order allows me to carry no mo­ny about me, and I am resolved not to break my Vow; and thereupon threw the Domi­nican off of his back into the water, who soundly drenched, all too late repented his over-much credulity, in trusting to the Franciscans carrying him over.

The learned Conies.

SOme Scholars on a time going to steal Conies, by the way they warn'd a No­vice amongst them to make no noise for spoiling their Game. But he no sooner espyed some, but he cryed out aloud, Ecc [...] Cuniculli multi: Whereupon the Conies ran with all speed into their berries; his fel­lows chiding him therefore, Who the Devil (said he) would have thought that the Conies had understood Latine?

A poor Scholars pittance.

A Thin slice of cheese being set before a Scholar, as soon as he saw it, he laid his finger on his mouth, and being asked why he did so, he answered, Lest my breath should blow it away.

Of Dr. Mathews.

One Dr. Mathew a very learned man, but of little stature; one seeing him pass along the Street, called him in jest, Mi­nimus Apostolorum; which he over-hearing, merrily answer'd, yet is Mathew Maximus E­vangelistarum.

[...]
[...]

The turning Doctor.

AN old Doctor which had been a Pro­testant in King Edwards days, a Pa­pist in Queen Maries days, and a Protestant again in Queen Elizabeths, seeing a Lady dance a Galliard, commended her dancing very much; to which she answer'd, That she knew she danc'd well enough, onely she could not turn so well as he.

Physitians and Lawyers.

IT was once a great controversie in the U­niversity of Leyden, between the Physick and Law-Doctors, which should have pre­cedency, and go foremost at Commence­ments: The Chancellor being deputed to decide this Controversie, asked them whe­ther at an Execution the Fellon or the Hang-man went foremost; and it being an­swered the Fellon; Then ye Lawyers (said he) go ye foremost as Thieves, and ye Physiti­ans follow after as Hang-men.

A Musitian.

A Musitian who had a very good voice was in consideration thereof profer'd a good exhibition in a Cathedral Church which he refused, and went to another [Page 55] place: within a year after he came thither again, but with his voice much impaired, and now he offer'd his service upon those conditions which he formerly refused; but he had answer made him, That where h [...] wasted his steel, he might go and wast his Iron.

A mistake.

A Citizen having been abroad in the Country, came home to his wife all bemi [...]ed with durt; who asking him how he came in that sad pickle, Why, said he, as I was riding along in a fair way, my Horse stumbled, and threw me over head and ears in durt.

The Knight and Gentleman.

THere was a Knight who spent much, and owed much, who had a young Gentleman living by him, that was so good a fellow as he seldom eat at home; yet not­withstanding retain'd a Steward in conti­nual standing wages: The Knight upon a time merrily asked him what he means to keep a Steward, having so little use to put him to: The Gentleman no less merrily an­swer'd, Your worship hath great reason, for in truth my Steward and your Treasurer may very well be whipt at the Carts-tail for Vagabonds.

The Yeoman and Gallant.

A Plain Yeoman riding upon a large lean horse, a Gallant that met him thinking to put a Jest upon him, asked him what a yard of his horse was worth: the Yeoman thereupon alighted, and lifting up his horse-tale, said, Enter into the shop, and they within will show you.

Jack Franck.

MY Lord Maynard kept a Fool whose name was Jack Franck, that went in a py'd Calve-skin suit; he being one day in the High-way, a Gallant came riding by all bedawbed with Silver-lace, who spy­ing Jack, asked him whose Fool he was: said Jack, I am my Lord Maynards Fool; and now I have told ye whose Fool I am, pray tell me whose fool you are.

A witty answer of a Jester.

ONe asked a Lords Jester what vertue he thought was in a Turkey-stone; to which he answer'd, That if you should chance to fall from the top of a house, you to break your neck, and the stone to have no hurt.

A mistake.

A Certain Noble-man being invited to dinner at a Knights house, amongst other chear there was a Chine of Beef, which did so please him, that he said he would speak to his Slaughter-man to cut all his meat out into Chines.

The Printers man.

A London-Printer sent his Prentice for a mess of Mustard, who asking where he should fetch it; he very surly answer'd him, In France; I will, Sir, said the Pren­ [...]ice; and taking a Mustard-pot in his hand, went forthwith down to Billingsgate, where finding a Ship bound for France, he em­barked therein, and away he went, where he continued so long time before he re­turned as made up that day twelve-month, when coming to his Master, he delivered the foresaid pot full of Mustard, saying, Here Master is a mess of French Mustard for you.

Of the same.

THe said Prentice going up into the work-house, found there a Dutch­man working at the Press; and snatching the Balls out of his hand, gave him a good [Page 58] cuff on the ear, and said, Why how n [...]w Bu [...] ter-box, can a man no sooner turn his back [...] fetch a mess of mustard, but you must straig [...] step in his place?

A Fishmonoger a Member.

IN the late times, at such time as the Forces had taken Abberdeen in Scotland being betwixt sleeping and waking, which they were debating whether they should keep or flight the Town: He thinking they had been talking of keeping Habberdin, ste [...] up and said, For that I think there is ne [...] a one here knows better than my self, y [...] must put it into clean Rye straw, &c.

A vindication.

HE being at another time one of a clo [...] Committee, a friend of his told his he heard that he had spoken High-treas [...] there; to which he answered, He lies, for I [...] ­ver spake one word good or bad in all that time ▪

Country-man and Faulkner.

A Plain Country-man and a Faulkn [...] journeying together, the Countr [...] man told him that his Hawk had dung' [...] the Faulkner told him he should have samuted. Anon after the fellow stumble [...] [Page 59] [...]nd fell into a Cow-share; and the Faulk­ [...]er asking him how he came so bewray'd, [...]e answer'd, He fell in a Cow-mute.

A mistake

A Gentleman being in company was commending a Tobacco-box of his: [...]ne asked him whether it were a wooden [...]ne or no; No, said he, it is made of Pear­ [...]ee.

Double meaning.

A Certain Weaver who had often broken the eighth Commandment, [...]nd from all his Customers would be sure [...]o steal something more or less, which he [...]id in a privy place he had in his house that [...]e called Hell: Now when any of his Cu­ [...]tomers used to charge him with such theft, he would protest and swear, If I have any [...]ore then my due, I pray God I may finde [...]t in Hell.

The Maid a Washing.

A Maid washing cloaths by the Rivers side, as she stooped many times her Smock would cleave close to her Buttocks; one that came by seeing it, said, Have a care Maid, for Bayard biteth on the bri­dle: No (quoth she) not so, he doth but [Page 60] onely wipe his mouth, imagining you wi [...] come and kiss him.

The Devil upon Dun.

ONe prefer'd a rich Miser a Dun hors [...] to sell him, who utterly refused hi [...] because of the colour, saying, The people call me the Devil already, and if I should ride upon him, they would say there is t [...] Devil upon Dun.

The Justice and fellow.

A Justice of the peace called one th [...] was brought before him arrant knav [...] who replyed, I am not so arrant a knave [...] your Worship (and there he made a pawse, [...] feigning to spit, and then adjoyned takes me to be.

A wise reply.

ONe told his Neigbour that he had Pope in his Belly; who answer'd, Better so then to have a Devil in my heart.

The Maid and Physitian.

THere was a Maid who had taken a dra [...] too much of the Bottle, and not we [...] knowing what she ailed, carried her wate [...] to a Physitian, who bid her be of goo [...] [Page 61] chear, For (said he) within these few months [...]u shall have the cause of your grief in your arms.

King Edward the Sixth.

KIng Edward the Sixth, though he drew no strong Bow, yet he shot well at a [...]ark; and when Dudley, Duke of Northum­ [...]rland, commended him once for well [...]ooting, You shot better (said he) when [...]ou shot off my good Unkle Protectors [...]ead.

The Cooper and his Wife.

A Hasty Cooper beat his wife with a hoop for pissing the bed: the Neigh­ [...]ours to reconcile him to her, told him she [...]as the weaker Vessel; Therefore (quoth [...]e) do I hoop her, because she should hold water.

The French for a Cuckold.

AN English-man asked a French-gal­lant what was French for a Cuckold: who answer'd (Cocque:) Then, said the English-man, is it not true French to say, Monsieur vous estes Cocques? the French-man finding himself toucht to the quick, an­ [...]wer'd, It is true French in the plural num­ber, but not in the singular.

R.H.

A Gentleman was commending the Wine at the Rose in Newgate-market I cannot tell (said one) what praise the Wine deserves, but I am confident there no better Wine in London, then the Ale [...] the Unicorn in Queens-head-alley.

The Traveller and King Henry the Eighth.

A Gentleman of King Henry the Eight [...] privy Chamber went to Travel, and upon his return, the King asked him dive [...] questions concerning his journey; among others, what he had seen memorable in t [...] City of Venice: To which he replyed, the truely he had taken little notice thereof For, said he, I onely gallop'd post thorough [...] by night, and so came away.

The Captain in 88.

THe Naval fight against the Spaniards 1588, was pourtrayed in a curio [...] suit of hangings (which are still preserve [...] and adorn the Parliament-house) together with the lively Effigies of the most emine [...] Commanders and Captains in that fight A Sea-Captain, who had been in that service, looking on the Hangings, and not fin [...] ing [Page 63] his Effigies there, seemed very angry, saying, he deserved a place there better then some others that were in it: To whom one said, Be content Captain, and make not this ado, you are reserved for another Hanging.

The Justice of Peace and Constable.

A Lubberly Constable went to appre­hend a Shoomaker within his house; but the Shoomakers wife so well bestirred her, that she soundly basted the Constable, whiles in the mean time her husband got away. The Constable thereupon went to [...] Justice of peace, and complained unto him of the battery, and of the Shoomakers wives misusage; alleadging that if such a thing were not severely punish'd, it would [...]end much to his Worships disgrace: Whereto the Justice answered, Seeing as thou say'st the disgrace will be mine, I forgive the Shoomakers wife.

The Country-man and Astrologer W.L.

A Country-man having his wives ho­nesty in suspition, went one morning betimes to an Astrologer, to be resolved of his doubts; the Wizard was not then up, and the Country-man having extraordina­ry occasion, untrust a point upon the [Page 64] threshold: At last the Astrologer came down, and smelling what was done, in [...] great chafe, he said, If I knew who it was tha [...] did this nasty trick, I would have him se­verely punisht. The Country-man hear­ing him say so; Nay then (said he) a die [...] Wizard, I'll home again to my Jenny; if y [...] know not who it was that shit at your door, [...] am sure you know nothing of my wives honesty.

The Country-man and Doctor.

ANother Country-man suspecting that [...] young Shepherd was over-familia [...] with his Daughter, he went to a Doctor who was famed for a great Sooth-sayer i [...] that Country, and presented him with [...] couple of Capons, desiring to be resolved [...] his foresaid jealousie. The Doctor having received the present, took a great Book, an [...] turning over divers leaves, made a rumbling to himself as though he conjur'd: at la [...], taking his spectacles off his Noise, he asked the Country-man both their ages, who told him that his Daughter was fifteen years of age, and the Shepherd two and twenty: Nay, then (said the Doctor) if they be of that age, byrlady friend, it may very well be so indeed.

The fellow and his Dogs.

A Gentleman sending a brace of Grey­hounds to a Knight, the Knight ask'd the Messenger that brought them, if they were good Dogs or no: Good Dogs, quoth the fellow, here is this (pointing to one of them) the best that ever ran upon four legs; and this other here is five times better then he.

A Noble-man and his Page.

A Noble-man sent his Page with a Pea­cock between two curious Venice-Dishes to another Earl. Now it chanced that as the Page went to take off the upper dish, to shew the Earl the present, it fell down and broke all to pieces; however, the Earl re­ceived the Peacock, and sent one of his Gentlemen with the Page, to excuse him to the Noble-man: Who hearing of the mis­chance, asked the Page angerly, how he broke it: the Page trembling, let the other fall out of his hand, which likewise broke all to pieces, and then said, Even thus and like your honour I broke it.

The poor Man and hasty Cook.

A Poor man in the City of Paris, went to a Cooks shop to have had some meat; [Page 66] but the Cook was so busied about serving higher Guests, that in the mean time the mans stomack was satisfied with onely the smell of the meat, and so would have gone away: but the covetous Cook would be paid for his dinner; which the man re­fusing, at last it was agreed to be decided by the next person that came by, which chanced to be the arrantest Idiot in all the City: he calling for a couple of pewter­dishes, bid the man put his mony betwixt them, and then decreed that the Cook should rest satisfied for the smell of the meat, with onely the gingling of the mony.

A wise reason of a Fool.

A Fool lying asleep in an open field, had prick'd his staff in the ground be­fore his face, to fence him from the winde▪ and telling one the reason why he did so, the other said, That could no ways shield him: Why (said the Fool) can the winde think ye blow thorough the staff?

A rich Heir.

A Rich Heir was by his Unkle beg'd for a Fool, who used always to have him with him, whithersoever he went: It chanced one time they were at a Gentle­mans, [Page 67] who had the picture of a Fool drawn in his Hangings. The Fool watching his op­portunity, with a pen-knife cut that Picture out of the Hangings, and being repre­hended for it, he said, You have more rea­son to thank me for it; for if my Unkle had spyed it, he would have beg'd the Hangings, as he beg'd my Lands.

A witty answer of a Fool.

A Serving-man made his Masters Fool be­lieve he would cut off his head: The Fool thereupon ran straight to his Master and told him of it: who answered, Fear not, he shall not cut off thy head, if he do, I'll hang him the next day after. Nay, I pray (replyed the Fool) rather hang him a day before.

Another.

ONe chid a Fool for throwing dust into his eyes: the Fool answered, Truely I took you for a Letter.

A witty answer of a mad-man.

A Country-man coming to London, went to see the mad-folkes in Bedlam; one of them asked him what place he came from; he replyed, from Newarke: The mad-man then asked him what business he had [Page 68] in Town; he told him onely to see them. And come you hither onely to see us, said he? believe me (brother) I am not here for so great folly.

The Fool and Dog.

A Fool was bitten by a Dog: the next day the Fool found him asleep in the grass, and knockt out his brains; saying, He that hath Enemies, let him have a care how and where he sleeps.

Good to watch as well as pray.

A Gentleman being at his prayers in the Church, a Cut-purse pickt his pocket; and complaining thereof, one told him, If he had watched as well as pray'd he had not lost his mony.

The valorous heart.

A Valiant person in these late Wars, be­ing to go encounter with the Enemy, he fell a trembling; at which his men much marvailing: See, see, Sirs, (said he) how basely my flesh quakes to think what a peck of troubles my adventurous heart will put it in anon.

The Lawyer and his Clyent.

A Lawyer told his Clyent, that his Ad­versary had removed his suit out of that Court into another: Let him remove it to the Devil, said he, if he will, I am sure for mony, you'll follow after it.

Mony gains the Victory.

A Sergeant at the Law being at supper with a Gentlemen, who had a Nist prius to be tryed the next day: the Gen­tleman in discourse stated his case to him, and the Serjeant by several arguments made it to be most clear on the Gentlemans side: But when it came to hearing, this Serjeant was retained against him, and the cause went clear against the Gentleman; who thereupon told the Serjeant, Sir, you were not of this opinion yesternight. No matter, said he, for that, what I talkt at my supper was for my recreation, but what I speak here is for my Fee.

Nothing without mony.

ONe went to a Lawyer for his advice without mony, but the Lawyer was deaf on that ear; the man being more ear­nest with him to have his advice: Will you [Page 70] have your Lampe burn (said he) without oyl?

The case is alter'd, quoth Ployden, how that Proverb came up.

THere was a Statute in Queen Elizabeths days, that whoever had Mass said in their house should pay fifty pounds: Mr. Ployden being in his heart a Papist; a Noble­mans Coach-man undertook to bring him into that premunire; and getting on Priests weeds, went to Mr. Ploydens, who taking him for a Priest, he was there admitted to say Mass: The Council being informed of the business, Mr. Ployden was sent for, and the thing laid so home to his charge, that he confessed it, and deposited down fifty pounds on the Table. Then one of the Council said unto him, You may see Mr. Ployden what a blind Religion you are nursed in; for he that said Mass at your house was no Priest, but onely such a No­ble-mans Coach-man. Nay then, quoth Mr. Ployden, the case is alter'd; for no Priest, no Mass; no Mass, no fifty pounds; so swept up his mony, and away he went.

The Parents and different Childe.

A Man and his wife who were both great drinkers, had a Son very temperate; whereupon one said, that it was contrary to Nature, that the horse should trot, and the Mare trot, and that the Colt should amble.

The Gentleman that was in earnest.

A Gentleman passing up Fleet-street, met with another Gentleman, who gave him so great a justle, as had well- [...]igh thrown him into the Chanel; but recover­ing himself, he stept up to the other Gen­tleman, and asked him if he were in jest or in earnest; he replying, In earnest; Ve­ry well, said he, I am glad it is so, for I tell you true, I like no such jesting.

The Turkey-Pye.

A Poor Gentleman had a Turkey-pye very often serv'd to his Table; a serving-man being to carry it in again, neg­lected it; whereupon his Master calling for it, and asking why he did not bring it in: he reply'd, It hath been here so often, I thought by this time, it could have found the way in alone.

A Fart.

MAny Clowns being eating of a Posse [...] together, one of them burned hi [...] chaps for greediness, with pain whereof he let flie a fart; Go thy ways, said he, tho [...] art the happiest of all thy fellows, fo [...] hadst thou still remained within, tho [...] wouldest have been most miserably scalded.

Dead and Alive.

ONe asked a Boy, how many horses hi [...] Father had, who answer'd, five, with four that are dead.

The Gentleman and Boy.

A Gentleman riding on the way, saw a Boy keeping of Piggs, and asking him whose they were, he said, his Mothers; then asked he him who was his Mother, the Boy said his Fathers wife; then asked he him who was his Father? Nay, for that Sir (said he) you must ask my Mother.

The Novice Prentice.

A Country-Boy that was new bound Prentice, seeing a Lord Mayors show, and wondring much at the bravery there­of, Who said he would live in the Coun­try, [Page 73] seeing wee must all come to ride in such State?

The Bastayd Boy.

A Young Bastard was throwing of stones, amongst a multitude of People; to whom one said, Have a care Sirrah, or you may chance to hit your Father.

Like Mother, like Daughter.

A Country-woman much blamed her Daughter for gadding up and down among Ale-houses: Indeed Mother, said she, you have reason to be jealous of me, for I have often heard it said, that I was your Daughter afore ever that you was mar­ried to my Father.

The Wench with-Child.

A Country-Wench was gotten with-child, and would by no means con­fess that she had the use of any Man; but being told it was a thing impossible; Why, said she, may not I have a Child without a Man, as well as a Hen lay Eggs without a Cock?

A loud Lie.

TWo Gentlemen being talking of fishing, one of them said that he had caught a fish in his time as big about as the May­pole [Page 74] in the Strand; which being hist at a [...] a notorious lye, he called his man in to justifie it, Ralph (said he) did not I at such a time catch a fish as big about as the May­pole in the Strand? I cannot tell, said Ralph, for the bigness of it, because I did not mea­sure it; but if it was not so big, I am sure it was as long.

The Country-man and Scrivener.

A Country-man who had never been at London before, was gaping into a Scriveners shop; the Scrivener standing at the Door, asked him what he would buy; Gaffer, said he, what is it you sell? the Scri­vener told him loggerheads: said the man, I perceive you have quick trading, that you have but one left in the shop.

The Man and his Hare.

ONe meeting a man carrying a Hare at his back, and asking him if he would sell it; he anwerd no, I will not sell it, but give me twelve pence and take it.

The Gentleman having sore Eyes.

A Gentleman that had sore eyes was wished to forbear drinking wine, as ve­ry destructive to his eye-sight; but he by no [Page 75] [...]eans would yeild unto it, affirming it was lesser evil to shut up the windows of his [...]ody, then to l [...]t the whole house fall down or want of reparation.

The Scottish Parson.

A Scot was preaching how that all men are one anothers Neighbors and Bro­ [...]hers in Christ, even the Turk, the Jew, [...]he Moore, the Canniball, the far Indian; [...]nd then concluded, Yea and the very En­ [...]lishman is our Neighbour too.

Another.

BEn Johnson having over-night taken a Cup too much of the juice of the Grape, [...]he next morning his head aking he wore a Cap, and meeting with Master Drayton his [...]llow-Poet, told him he thought he should [...]ye, and therefore desired him for the love that had been betwixt them, to prefix these two lines upon his Grave, for his Epitaph:

Here lies Ben Johnson
That was once one.

that shall I do Brother Ben (said Master [...]rayton) and for the love I always bore to [...]our Muse, I shall add two more of my own, which shall be these.

[Page 76]Who whilst he lived in his bravery
Was exceeding full of Knavery.

Ben Johnson.

MAster Noy the Attorny-General ma [...] once a great Venison-Feast at a T [...] ­vern: Master Johnson having a minde some of it, being in a room below w [...] some of his Companions, wrote these vers [...] and sent them up to Master Noy.

When all the World was drown'd, no Venis [...] could be found;
For then there was no Park:
Loe here we sit without ere a bit,
Noy has it all in his ark.

These verses produced not only Venison, [...] also half a piece in Gold to wash it do [...] in Sack.

Another of him.

BEn Johnson intending to pass tho [...] the Half-Moon Tavern in Aldersg [...] street, (where is a thorowfare into Barth [...] ­mew-close) the Tavern-door being shut [...] he was denied entrance; whereupon made these verses:

[Page 77]Since the Half-Moon is so unkind to make me go about,
The Sun my money now shall take, the Moon shall go without.

And thereupon went to the Sun-tavern [...] Long-lane end; where afterwards he proved a good guest, forsaking the Half-Moon for their discourtesie.

Another.

BEn. Johnson kept an unlucky Boy, who when he sent him of an arrand, would usually loyter by the way, and then come home with some lye for an excuse to his Master: It fortuned one day that his Ma­ster looking out at an upper window, saw his Boy very devoutly playing at Nine-pins; whereupon when [...] came home his Master deeply charged him with Idolatry; the Boy denying that ever he was guilty of Ido­latry in his life: No sirrah (said he) did not I see you fall down and worship that great wooden Idol the Nine-pin? but I assure ye, if ever ye commit Idolatry again, I shall pu­nish ye worse then those are punisht that com­mit adultery.

Two Poets.

TWo Poets went to Rime one with another, whereof the one was name Johnson, the other Silvester: Silvester fi [...] began in this manner.

My Name is Silvester.
I lay with your Sister.

The other answered,

And my Name is Johnson.
I lay with your Wife.

But that said Silvester is no Rime; Rime [...] Rime not, said Johnson, I protest it is tr [...] though.

Master Randolph.

THo. Randalph the wit of Cambridg [...] coming to London, had a great mind [...] see Master Johnson, who was then drinking [...] the Devil-Tavern near Temple-bar, wi [...] Master Drayton, Master Daniel, and Mast [...] Silvester, three eminent Poets of that a [...] he being loath to intrude into their compa­ny, and yet willing to be called, peeped i [...] several times at the door, insomuch the Master Johnson at last took notice of him [Page 79] and said, Come in John Bo-peep. Master Ran­dolph was not so gallant in cloaths as they, however he sat down amongst them; at last when the reckoning came to be paid, which was five shillings, it was agreed, that he who made the best extempore verse should go Scot-free, the other four to pay it all: whereupon every one of them put out their verses; at last it came to Master Randolphs turn, whose lines were these:

I John Bo-peep, to you four sheep,
With each one his good fleece;
If you are willing to pay your five shilling,
'Tis fifteen pence apiece.

Another of Master Randolph.

MAster Randolph one day and a Gentle­man being in company, they happen­ed to have some angry words pass betwixt them, insomuch that the Gentleman at last drew out his sword, and striking at Master Randolph, cut off his little finger, which was no sooner done, but scarcely before it [...]uld be dressed, he made these verses.

[Page 80]Arithmetick nine digits and no more
Admits of, then I still have all my store:
But what mischance hath t'ane from my left hand,
It seems did onely for a cypher stand;
Hence when I scan my verse, if I do miss,
I will impute the fault only to this:
A fingers loss, I speak it not in sport,
Will make a verse a foot too short.

John Taylor.

JOhn Taylor the Water-Poet, was once a­board of a Ship called the Hector, where he was by the Master so follow'd with Wine, that it was easily perceived by every Sea­man, who thereupon began to play upon him, and to abuse him; whereupon John in a poetical rage, thus invocated the Pa­tron of the Ship.

O thou noble Hector, the valiant Son o [...] Priam,
Grant that all these men may be as drunk I am.

Sir Thomas Moor.

ONe presented Sir Thomas Moor once with Book, for his approbation, who per­using it, and finding nothing in it worthy the reading, told him it would be far better if it were put into verse, which accordingly he did, and brought it again to Sir Thomas, who taking it, and reading a few lines thereof; I marry, said he, now I see here is some rime, before there was neither rime nor reason.

Another

THe same Sir Thomas Moor, for denying the Kings Supremacy, was committed Prisoner to the Tower of London; At his [...]rst landing, the Gentleman-Porter de­manded his uppermost garment for his Fee; Sir Thomas then pulled a white Cap off of his head which he wore, saying, Here take it, this is the uppermost garment I have.

Another

ONe commended to Sir Thomas Moor, the clearness of his Beer, and the well rellish of the hop; to whom Sir Thom [...] said, If it had been a little clearer, one could not have discerned it from water; and if it had hopt a little farther, it had hopt into the Thames.

Another.

SIr Thomas Moor being once a drinking, spied a Flie in his Glass, wherefore with his knife he took it out, but having drunk put in again; saying, Though I do not love them in my drink, perhaps some others do.

Another.

WHen Sir Thomas Moor was Lord-Chancellour of England, being at his house at Chelsey, some one had gotten a little Dog from a begger-woman, and pre­sented it to the Lady Moor; The beggar-woman complained thereof to Sir Thom [...], who could not perswade her to part with the Dog: But Sir Thomas told her it be­longed to his Office, to do Justice to every one; and thereupon he commanded his Lady and the beggar-woman to come into his great Hall, placing the one at the one end, and the other at the other; Then took he the Dog, and holding him in the middle betwixt them both, he bid either of them call him: but no sooner was the Dog let loose, but he ran to the beggar-wo­man, whereupon he adjudged the Dog to be­long to her, and told his Lady that if she would have him, she must buy him of the right owner.

Another.

NOt long after Sir Thomas was condemn­ed, he sent for a Barber to the Tower, intending to have his Beard cut; but before such time as the Barber came, word was brought him to prepare himself, for he must dye the next day; Wherefore when the Barber came, he told him he had thoughts to have cut his Beard, but having now so short a time to live, he was resolved his Beard should take the same fortune with his head.

Another.

AFterwards when he was upon the Scaf­fold ready for to dye, going to lay down his head upon the block, he bid the Executioner stay a while, till such time he had laid his Beard over the block: for though, (said he) the King gave you a Com­mission to cut off my head, he gave you no Com­mission to cut that.

A Noblemans health.

CErtain Knights being drinking a health to a Nobleman of this Kingdome, one of them to honour it the more, put into the Glass some pieces of gold: [...] last it came to the share of a merry-disposed Gentleman [Page 84] to drink, who having swallowed up all the wine, turn'd the gold into his hand, and put it in his pocket, saying, I never drank of any drink in my life, but I could always make bold with the toast.

A Deformed wit.

ONe seeing a man of excellent learning, crooked and deformed in body, said, Lord, what a poor Cottage doth yonder good wit inhabit!

The toothless Miser.

AN over-pin'd Miser complain'd that he had almost lost all his teeth in his head, with the Rheume; one that stood by answer'd him, it was more likely for want of use.

A New-fashion'd Coat of arms.

ONe seeing his enemies Arms fairly drawn on a wall, took a pensil to draw the like underneath; So in the first house he drew his enemies chiefe coat, and all the rest of the Escutch [...]on he figured with twenty kinds of Pots, Cups and drink­ing-Glasses, and underneath wrote thus: These my fore-fathers left me, and I will in­crease them.

The Thiefes question.

ONe having done a robbery in one Shire, was taken in another, and brought before a Justice there, who refused to med­dle with him, but return'd him to the Shire where he had done the Robbery: the Thief thereupon said unto him, I pray Sir if that be the Law, let me ask you one question; If a man be taken abed with his Neighbours wife this night, what must he be sent thither a­gain the next night?

A Rougish trick to a Stranger.

A Stranger coming to a Brook, asked a Country-man on the other side, if it were passable or no: Yea, Sir (said he) you may pass very well: But plunging in, he stuck there so fast, that he had much a­doe to get out again, whereupon he curst and swore very bitterly at the man: truly Sir, said he, I had thought you might, for my Neighbour Parkers geese and mine pass over it every day.

The Country-man.

A Fellow that was hang'd, was carted back again to the Town to be buried, and the Coarse being set down, a great ma­ny [Page 86] men and boyes stood gazing on it. By chance a Country-fellow came by, and see­ing them stand so gazing, Away, away (Sirs) for shame, said he, you are able to put an ho­nest man out of countenance, so to gaze on him.

Of one spitting in the fire.

ONe sitting by the fire to warm him in very cold weather, said that the fire was his friend; and quickly after spit into it: to whom one that sat by him said, In­deed Sir you do not well to quench your friends love by spitting in his face.

A deep Question.

ONe having read in the story of the seven Champions, how St. Georg [...] had killed the Dragon, and delivered from death Sa­bra the fair maid of Egypt, he said he won­der'd how men could invent such lies: for there never was any Dragon, neither was there ever any St. George; to which ano­thor reply'd, For St. George or the Dragon, it matter'd not whether there were ever such or no; but the greatest matter was, whether there was a maid.

Of Madam Carlton.

MAdam Carlton, commonly called or known by the name of the German-Princesse, being by the procurement of her Husbands friends committed prisoner to the Gate-house; one of those her back-friends went to give her a visit, telling her he had a great desire to see her, having heard much of her extraordinary breeding: to whom she replied; Alas Sir, I am sorry you have lost your labour, having left that in the City amongst my Husbands kindred, who had such extraordinary need thereof.

Another of Her.

ANother of these her visitants among o­ther discourse, told her, that marry­ing and hanging went by destiny; to whom she answer'd, that she had received from the de­stinies marriage, and he in probability might hanging.

Hugh Peters and Oliver.

OLiver the late Usurper riding abroad one day in his Coach, Hugh Peters was mounted on a Steed, and followed af­ter; it chanced a sudden shower of rain to fall, whereupon Oliver being unwilling his [Page 88] Chaplain should be wet, sent him his Co [...]t to keep him dry: which Hughkin modestly refused, returning this answer to the Mes­senger, that he would not be in his Coat for a thousand pound.

Pride and Hewson.

PRide and Hewson, two of Cromwels pa­geant Lords, the one formerly a Dray­man, the other a Cobler; these two meet­ing together, Pride told Hewson he saw a piece of Coblers wax sticking upon his Scar­let Cloak; No matter for that, (said Hew­son) a handful of Brewers grains will wipe it off well enough.

The Parson and the good Wife.

A Parson preaching a Sermon on a Good-Friday, said, Now which of you all in honour of this good day, will not forgive his enemy with all his heart? A woman hearing him say so, stept forth and said, Sir I do? Whom, said the Parson? Marry (quoth she) whosoever will do so much as kill the knave my Husband.

The Parson and Church-Warden.

A Parson riding into the North of Eng­land, it was his chance to stay at a small Village on a Sunday, where they had no Minister at that time: whereupon he of­fer'd to bestow a Sermon on them; which the Church-Warden being informed of, went to him, and asked him if he were Li­censed to preach; Yes said the Parson that I am, and there-withall drew out of a Box his License, asking the Church-Warden if he understood Latine? No (said he) I do not, yet however let me see it, perhaps I may pick here and there a word out of it. No quoth the Parson I will have no words pickt out of it, for that is the way to spoile my License.

Dr. Adams, and Dr. Low.

TWo Ministers, whereof the one was named Mr. Adams, the other Dr. Low, being to preach before a great Auditory, the Doctor chose for his Text this place of Scripture, Adam, where art thou! he hav­ing done, Master Adams stepped up, and took for his Text the following words, viz. Low here am I.

Dr. Heylin.

DR. Heylin the famous Cosmographer, being sent for to his Elder Brother [...] by a Serving-man, who had a long time re­tained to that Family, as they journeyed along they lost themselves in a Wood: the Serving-man being quite at a loss, desired the Doctor to ride before; which he (a [...] good reason was) refusing, the man in [...] pelting chase, said, I have heard my old Master your Father say, that you writ a book of a [...] the whole World: now if you so well knew a [...] the World, me thinks you might easily find the way out of a Wood.

Dr. Donne.

DR. Donne having privately married Si [...] George Moors daughter, whose name was Anne; falling into his Fatherinlaw [...] displeasure, he with a Diamond-ring wrote thus on the glass-window; John Donne, Ann [...] Donne, done and undone.

Of Pope Adrian.

POpe Andrian the sixth being minde [...] to throw Pasquins Image into Tyber [...] to take away the cause of Libelling, which was then used under the name of th [...] [Page 91] [...]mage, The Duke of Sesa said unto him, [...]f your Holiness throw Pasquin into Tyber, he will then turn Frog, and croke both day and night; whereas now he only crokes a day time ▪

The Pope and St. Peter.

IT is said of a certain Pope, that when he was dead he went to Heaven­ [...]ates and knocked there. St. Peter de­ [...]anding who he was, he said the last de­ [...]eased Pope: then said St. Peter, If you be [...]he Pope, why do you knock, since you [...]ave the keys to come in at your pleasure? [...]o whom the Pope answer'd; that his Prede­ [...]essors indeed had the keys, but since that time [...]e wards were alterd.

The Spanish Bishop, and Shepherd.

A Spanish-Bishop seeing a Shepherd sun­ning himself, said unto him, I wonder [...]at Shepherds now adays are not as they [...]ere in time past, when great Prophets [...]nd Kings refused not to keep Sheep, and [...]o them also the Angels told the birth of [...]ur Saviour; to whom the Shepherd an­ [...]er'd, Neither are Bishops now adays as in old [...]me, at divers of whose deaths Bells are said to [...]ng of themselves, and now can scarcely be [...]de to ring with mens strength.

Bishop Bonner.

BIshop Bonner being at the time of the Reformation degraded from his Bi­shoprick, one thinking to put a jest upon him, desired a piece of his tippet to heel­stall his hose: to whom Bonner answer'd, that his tippet was not fit for that purpose, but told him he had a foolish head of hi [...] own, which would serve very well to line his Hat. Another time riding abroad, one met him and said, good morrow Bishop Quondam; to whom Bonner replyed, Adi [...] knave semper idem.

The Spanish-Fryar.

A Spanish-Fryar had a Bishoprick in In­dia granted unto him, but he desiring not to go out of his own Country, th [...] spake to the Kings Secretary: Sir, knowing that a Bishops place is a dangerous thing [...] undertake, and being conscious of my own insufficiency, I am in the mind that to take i [...] upon me, is the high-way to Hell; and to go to Hell by India is a great way about, wherefore I pray assign me some nearer Sea, or no [...] at all.

The Bishop and his Chaplain.

A Bishops Chaplain helping his Lord on with his Rotchet, it being the first time, [...]nd he not very perfect at it, he said unto him, My Lord, methinks your Sleeves are [...]ery strait: True (answer'd the Bishop) for I have been these twenty years in getting them [...], and never till now could do it.

Reason for this.

ANother said that the chief reason why the Anabaptists would have had the [...]ells down out of the Churches, was, be­cause of the Ropes, being conscious to them­ [...]elves what they had deserved.

A useless Library.

A Scholar having a great Library, and seldome or never coming at it to Stu­dy, one said unto him, It seems (Sir) that [...] and your books are at a truce.

Peter Martyr.

PEter Martyr Chronicler to the King of Spain, having a long time sued for a [...]ishoprick, and hearing at last that four Confessors were made Bishops at once, [...]aid, Faith amongst so many Confessors, one Martyr would have done very well.

The Bishop and Student.

A Young Student in Spain for some [...] demeanors he had committed, [...] summoned before a Bishop who had a ve [...] reverend beard: who after several Reaso [...] and Arguments in his defence, at last ple [...] ed Conscience. What, you talk of Co [...] science (saies the Bishop) and have never beard yet? I cry you mercy, quoth the S [...] dent then, for I perceive if Conscience g [...] [...] beards, your Lordship hath got a very large [...]

A Request answered.

ONe desired a Gentleman to speak [...] him to a certain Bishop, that his Lo [...] ship would be pleased to forgive him a De [...] to whom he answer'd, his Graces power [...] to bind, and not to loose.

The Abbot, and the Messenger.

THere was a Bishop that sent six [...] Capons to an Abbot, whereof the Messenger eat up one of them by the way▪ The Abbot having read the Bishops Letter and understanding that he had sent him [...] Capons, bid the Messenger thank his Lordship from him for five of them, and as for t [...] sixth pray thank him thy self.

King Henry the eighth, and the Abbot.

HEnry the eighth being abroad on hunt­ing, through the eager pursuit of his Game lost his attendants; at length he wandred to the Abby of St. Albans, where (unknown) he dined with the Abbot, and fell so stoutly on, that the Abbot tak­ing notice thereof, said, he would give a hundred pound he had so good a stomach, for quoth he my stomach is so queasie, that I am ready to Surfeit with the pestle of a Larke, or the wing of a Partridge. The King remembring his words, the next day sent for him up by a couple of Pursevants, and without shewing any reason clapt him in the Tower, where he was fed for a Fortnight with onely bread and water: at last the King sent him a Rib of roast Beef, on which he fed so heartily, and made so deep an impression, that the King step­ping from his Coverture wherein he stood to see what the Abbot would do, de­manded of him his hundred pounds; say­ing, Since I have been your Physitian, and re­covered your stomach, pay me my mony; which the Abbot was forced for to do.

Another of King Henry the eighth, and the Ab­bot of Glastenbury.

THe same King Henry having a months [...]nd to the Abbot of Glastenburies E­sta [...]e, (who was one of the richest Abbots in England) sent for him to his Court, and told him that without he could resolve him three Questions, he should not escape with his life: The Abbot willing to get out of his clutches, promised his best endeavours. The Kings Questions were these: First, of what compass the world was about: Secondly, how deep the Sea was; and Thirdly, what the King thought. The Abbot desired some few days respite, which being granted, he re­turned home, but with intent never to see the King again, for he thought the questi­ons impossible to be resolved; This his grief coming at last to the ears of his Cook, he un­dertook upon forfeiture of his life, to re­solve those Riddles, and to free his Master from danger; The Abbot willingly condes­cended. So the Cook got on the Abbots cloaths, and at the time appointed went to the Court, and being like the Abbot in Phy­siognomy, was taken by all the Courtiers to be the same man: when he came before the King (omitting other circumstances) h [...] [Page 97] thus resolved his three questions; first of what compass the world was about; he said, It was but twenty four hours journey, and if a man went as fast as the Sun, he might easily go it in that space. The second, How deep the Sea was? he answered, Onely a stones cast, for throw a stone into the deep­est place of it, and in time it will come to the bottom. To the third, Which I con­ceive, saith he, your Majesty thinks the most difficult to resolve, but indeed is the easiest, that is, what your highness thinks; I answer, that you think me to be the Abbot of Glastenbury, whenas indeed, I am but Jack his Cook.

King Henry the Eighth, and Will. Summers.

KIng Henry going once by water, took Will. Summers his Jester along with him for his divertisement. It happened the weather to prove very tempestuous, so that being in some danger, Summers said to him, Harry, Harry, I had rather be thy Fool by Land, then thy Companion at Sea: which made the King when he came on Land, to laugh heartily at his timorous disposition.

Another.

AT such time as King Henry was in op­position with the King of France, it [Page 98] happened that Summers was then in the French Court, in whom for his pleasant discourse that King was highly delighted; and going upon a time to the House of Of­fice, to have the merryer Stool called Sum­mers along with him, and said unto him, Look here Summers, how I value thy King, whose picture thou seest hanging here in my privy; I see it well, said Summers, and withall I observe, that you never look upon it, but at the sight thereof you are ready to bewray your Breeches.

King Henry the eighth and the Prior of Dun­mow.

KIng Henry going once to the Priory of Daumow, he observed therein two Monkes which were reputed for very Holy­men: whereof the one was exceeding fat, the other extraordinary leane; and asking the Prior the reason thereof, he answer'd; If it please your Majesty, this Monke who is so exceeding fat, thinks onely of God and the joys of Heaven: and the other who is so extraordi­nary leane, meditates continually on Death, Dooms-day, and Hell.

King Henry the thirds base Son.

KIng Henry the third had a base Son named Geoffery, who in all his prote­stations used these words, By the honour of the King my Father; to whom Walter Malpas the Kings Confessor, said: Methinkes you might do well sometimes to remember your Mothers honesty, as well as so often to mention your Fa­thers Royalty.

The Portugal Fryar.

A Portugal Fryar discoursing in his Ser­mon of a great victory his Nation had obtained against the Spaniards that day twelve-month, he said, Then both Armies camped near unto the River, Wee Christians on the one side, and the Spaniards on the other.

An Atheistical speech of a French-man.

A Younger Brother of a good Family in France, having committed a Robbery, was for the same convicted, and Sentence of death pronounced against him: at which he grew very much disquieted, and some­thing outragious in his discourse; Where­fore the Fryar who was appointed to be his Confessor, sought by Religious perswasions to comfort him, bidding him be of good [Page 100] cheere, for his next meals meat should be in Heaven; Faith, quoth the Thiefe, I have small appetite at this time to any Heavenly food; therefore if you will take the dinner for mee, I will give you five pounds to discharge the shot.

The Irish Lord and Tory.

AN Irish Lord named Mac Mahowne had taken one of the Tories Prisoner, and for some secret grudge he bare unto him, would by no entreaty spare his life, but commanded he should be hanged pre­sently, and made a Fryar to shrive him; who examining him of his sins, asked him which was the heaviest, and did most burthen his Conscience; The Tory answer'd, that which he most repented of, was, that the last week when he had Ma­howne at his mercy in the Church, that he did not set fire to it, but out of pitty to save the Church let him escape; which he count­ed the worst Act that ever he did. The Fry­ar bid him to change his minde, and die in charity, or he would never go to Heaven; N [...]y, quoth the Tory I will never change my minde whatsoever becomes of my Soul. Whereupon the Fryar went to Mahowne, and desired him to defer the fellows Execu­till he were in a better minde, for if he died [Page 101] being so much out of charity, his Soule was sure to go to Hell: The Tory hearing the Fryar entreate thus for him, desired of Ma­howne, that seeing he was so unprepared to die, and the Fryar so well disposed, and ready to goe to Heaven, that he would hang the Fryar, and let him tarry till another time. Mahowne hearing this mad answer, forgave him his offence, and pardon'd him that time.

The winking Parson.

A Parson in a certain Church in Lon­don, used commonly to pray with his eyes shut; one demanding the reason why he did so; it was answer'd, Because he would be thought to know the way to Heaven so well, that be could find it blind-fold

Cardinal Wolsey and the Nobleman.

A Ruffling Nobleman in the time of King Henry the eighth came into the Court, with a Suit all bedawbed with Gold and Silver-lace, saying, Am not I a lusty man that can carry five hundred acres of land on my back? To whom Cardinal Wol­sey said, You might better have employed some of it in paying your Debts; 'Tis true indeed, quoth the Nobleman, for the Lord my Father, ought the goodman your Father thr [...]e [Page 102] half pence for a calves-head, hold, there is two-pence for it. Wolseys Father being a But­cher.

The Welshman that fasted against his will.

A Welshman who was not much used to the Religious observation of fasting dayes, was entertained into a Gentlemans service; where according to the custome, he was made to fast the Eves of divers Saints; as Saint Peter, Saint Paul, Saint Bartholo­mew, &c. All which he grudgingly per­formed: at length came the Eve of all Saints, for which he was very willing to fast, as supposing no more would come after; but on Saint Andrews Eve it was told him he must fast again, which he utterly refused, saying he had fasted for all the Saints toge­ther, and therefore he would fast no more: but it was told him that he must fast for Saint Andrew also; Why then quoth he, pray tell mee, where was Saint Andrew when all the Saints were together?

A good Jest of a Welshman.

A Welsh shentleman who had one of his own country-men waiting on him, being at a Faire, and drawing out a Purse with store of Money in it, was espyed by a [Page 103] Cut-purse, who never left dogging him, till such time he had eas'd him of that burthen; But his man espying him, drew out his knife, and cut off the Thiefs eare: who feel­ing it to smart, asked him what he meant by it: No great harme friend, said the Welshman, (showing him his ear in his hand) onely give hur Master hur Purss, and hur will give hur ear again.

Another.

A Young Cockney-Squire, who loved to eat of Partridge, would to have it the more reasonable (as he thought) keep a Hawk of his own, and to that purpose went to a shop where they were to be sold; the Master of the shop perceiving him to have no great skill, sold him an Owl instead of a Hawk: which he having kept a day or two, the Owle began to cry, Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo; the Squire hearing her, said, I have got a good penny-worth, for I have a Hawk and a Hawkner too.

Dulman and the Lords Ape.

A Certain Knight kept a Dulman to his Clerk, and having some occasion to write to the Lord chiefe Justice, he sent this Clerk with the Letter: who coming to the [Page 102] [...] [Page 103] [...] [Page 104] chief Justice place, saw at the Gate an Ape sitting there in a coat made for him, as they use to apparel Apes for sport. The Clerk seeing one in such bravery, imagined it to be my Lord chief Justices Son, and therefore pulld off his Cap, and bowed very lowly un­to it, saying, My Master commendeth him to my Lord your Father, and hath sent him here a Letter; The Ape took it, looked thereon, and afterward upon the man, mak­ing many mocks and mows, as the property of Apes is to do: whereupon Dulman because he understood him not, went back again to his Master, saying he had delivered the Let­ter to my Lord chief Justices Son, who sat at the Gate in a fair coat. His Master asked him what answer he gave him, he said he gave him an an [...]wer, but it was in French, or Latine, for he understood it not; but Sir, said he, you need not fear your business, for I saw by his looks that he would do your errand to my Lord his Father.

Welshmens prerogative.

ONe said that Welshmen are without compare on Saint Davids day, because that none wears Leeks but they.

Of a Welshman.

A Welshman was for theft arraigned and convicted, but by the favour of the Bench had his book granted him: be­ing burnt in the hand he was bid to say, God save the King: Nay, said he, God bless my Father and Mother, for had not they taught me to read, I might have been hang­ed.

Another.

THere was a Welshman who wanted both money and victuals, and being in this extremity, yet thought it better to steal then starve: wherefore spying a Bull with a cut taile in a Pasture, there being a Faire but six miles off, he made a vertue of necessity, and took the Bull along with him thither. It happened that the ma [...]ket was so slow, that the owner came before he had sold him; but he in the mean time mistrusting the worst, had procured another Beasts taile, and so fastned it to the Bull that it seemed to be his own; the owner walking by, and viewing the Bull well, said to a Neighbour of his, Had this Bull a cut taile I would swear it were mine; the Welshman over­hearing him, said, Sir, will you swear this Bull is yours? Yea said the owner, I should [Page 106] have sworn it if it had had a cut tail: I will try that presently, quoth the Welshman, and thereupon steps to the Bull, and with his knife cuts off his taile, just above the place where he had fastned the false one; and throwing it away, said, Now Sir, will you swear that it is your Bull? The man seeing the Bull bleed extremely, thought it was best to be gone, and so left the Welshman to sell the Bull as he pleased himself.

Another.

A Welshman having received some affront in Smithfield, made no more adoe but brake the fellows head who gave him that affront, for which he was taken and forced to pay ten Groats, (his whole estate:) be­ing at liberty, and both hungry and thirsty, he went to a Cooks shop, and called for as much belly-Timber of each sort as came to five-Groats. The Cook himself, his house being empty, seeing his Guest alone, sat down to bear him company: in their dis­course, the Welshman told him how he had lately been abused, and would know of him whether it were a just thing for a man to pay ten Groats for drawing of blood; Yes, quoth he, it is so according to law: then said the Welshman, Here is five Groats to pay, [Page 107] [...]reake my head, and give me the rest again; which was all the satisfaction the Cook [...]ould have of him for his Victuals.

Of a Milk-woman.

A Milk-Woman in London, that had by mixing water with her Milk gotten the sum of an hundred Pounds, to encrease it more, ventured the same in a voyage at Sea, but by chance of Tempest the Ship was cast away; which the woman hearing of, Then farewell hundred Pound, (quoth she) lightly come, lightly go; I got it by the water, and I lost it by the water.

The impertinent babler.

ONe having made a long, tedious and idle discourse, before a grave learned and Reverend Person of this Realm, concluded it thus; Sir, I doubt, I have been too te­dious to you with my many words: In troth (said the Gentleman) you have not been te­dious to me, for I gave no heed to any thing you said.

Doctor Trigg and the wench.

A Young Wench who had taken a dra [...] of the bottle, went with her water t [...] Doctor Trigg, who told her the Baker ha [...] been too busie with her, and left a peny-lo [...] in her belly; No indeed Sir (said she) you ar [...] mistaken, it was not he, it was my Fathers ma [...].

On spitting in the face.

A Country Farmer was very angry with a Gentleman for Hawking in hi [...] ground; whereupon the Gentleman spit in his face; the Farmer therewith more incensed, asked him the reason why he did so; Friend, said the Gentleman, you have no reason to be angry, because I gave you warning, for I hawk'd before I spit.

Another.

ONe by chance spit in another mans face, whereat as being sorry for his offence, he said, I cry you mercy Sir for spitting in your face, but if you please to l [...]e down, I will tread it out again with my foot.

The Master and man.

UPon Saint Stevens day it is the custome of many people to let their horses blood; A Gentlemans man asking his Ma­ster if his horse should not bleed that day according to the fashion: No Sirrah (said he) I would have you to know that my horse is not sick of the fashions.

Whereabouts Cuckcolds horns grow.

THree Gossips chatting over a pinte of Canary, one of them said, I wonder whereabouts Cuckolds horns do grow; one of them said in the forehead, another in the nape of the neck; and that may very well be, said the third, for my Husbands bands are all worne out behind.

On one named Sampson.

TWo or three Gentlemen were drinking together, whereof the one of them was named Sampson; being in discourse concerning the differences betwixt the En­glish and the Dutch, one of them said, What need we to fear the Dutch, since here is Sampson able to conquer them all? true (said Sampson) that I may do, if you please to lend me one of your jaw-bones.

The Lord and his Steward.

A Passionate Lord called his Steward knave; to whom the Steward mildly replyed, Your honour may speake as you please, but I believe not a word that you say, for I know my self an honest man.

On Claret.

TWo Gentlemen coming into a Tavern, one of them called for quart of Claret: the other said to him, What, do you love Claret? for my part ile see it burnt before ile drink a drop of it.

A Witty clash of words.

A Gentleman invited some of his friend [...] into his Cellar to taste of his Sack, but wanting a Cup, one of them proffer'd to lend him a Can: No (said another) we will not drink in a Cain, for then we shall not be Abel to get up again.

On Mr. Stone.

ONe Mr. Stone riding by a deep River, his Horse stumbled and cast him into it: a Companion of his that was riding along with him, seeing him swim to save his life, laughed heartily, and being asked his rea­son [Page 111] therefore, answer'd, That it would make [...]ny man laugh to see a Stone swim.

On a Recorder of London.

ONe named Peper was brought before a Recorder of London, who mistaking his name, called him Piper; whereupon Peper being something offended told the Recorder of his mistake; Why, said the Recorder, what difference is there betwixt Piper in Latine, and Peper in English? Yea, said Peper, there is as much difference as there is between a Pipe and a Recorder.

On a foolish Book.

A Learned witty Dedication being pla­ced before a dull foolish Book, a Gen­tleman said, he wondred how they came to [...]e matched together; In truth, said another, they may well be matched together, for I protest they are nothing akin.

Of Gaming.

ONe advised his friend who was a great Gamester to give over play, affirming it to be a great sin and folly; to whom the other replyed, that it was rather a special vertue and remedy against the seven deadly sins; for first (said he) how can that man [Page 112] be proud, who having lost a hundred or two of pounds at dice with a Nobleman, will afterward be so humble as to venture his tester with a Lacquey? Or second, how can he be covetous, that will not safe-guard his utmost penny from Play? Or in the third place, how lusty to women, that continual­ly tires himself out at play? Or fourth, how a glutton, that dares not bestow a tester on his belly, for fear he should need the same at Play? Or fifth, how envious of o­ther mens goods, that is so careless of his own? Or sixth, how angry, that puts up a thousand curses from others, without re­turning ere a word? Or seventh, how sloth­full, that sits up whole days and nights at play?

The wordless Song.

ONe was saying, that a Fidler who lived in such a place had a most rare Song with never a word in it; A Scholar hear­ing of it, went thither, desiring the Fidler to sing it, and he would take it in short-hand.

Of going to Bedlam.

A Country-Fellow coming to London, asked a Shop-keeper who stood at his door, which was the next way to goe to Bedlam: the Citizen told him the nearest [Page 113] way was to be mad: and that is the reason, quoth the Fellow, that you horn-mad Citi­zens can direct us in the way so perfectly.

An Ignoramus.

QUeen Elizabeth minding to favour a young Gentleman whose Father had been in some disgrace, said unto him, I hope you will now raise up your Fathers house again, and make amends for his default. The young Novice answer'd, An't like your Majesty, one end of my Barn is sore decayed indeed with the last winds, but my Mother hath promis'd to be at the charge of reparation.

Every one to his Trade.

A Rustical Husbandman challenged kin­dred of an eminent Bishop of this Land, requesting him to bestow an office up­on him: Couzen (said the Bishop) if your Cart be broken, ile mend it; if your Plough be old, ile give you a new one, and seed to sowe your land; but an Husbandman I found you, and a Husbandman ile leave you.

King James and the Welshman.

KIng James riding late home from Theo­balds to White-hall chanc'd to be catcht in a shower of rain, whereupon command was given to his retinue to ride faster: amongst the rest was a Welshman a retainer to the Earle of Pembroke, who being badly mount­ed, flutterd and spurd with his legs to keep pace with them, and made such a bustle with be labouring his horse, that the King asked him who he was? Ant please her Ma­jesty (the Welshman replyed) her is as good a Shentleman as the best of them, but her Cattel cannot travel so fast.

Of the French Kings Letter.

FRancis King of France, in a Letter which he sent to the Emperours Ambassadour wrote thus, To the Ambassadour of Kings, and King of Ambassadours.

The Taylors man.

A Taylor sent his man to a Gentleman with a long bill for some little money due to him, who rather willing to cavil then to pay, in a great rage said: Why Sirrah, does your Master think I am running a­way, that he is so hasty to send for his money? [Page 115] No Sir, said the Servant, my Master doth not imagine you to be about to run away, but he himself is, which makes him so earnest with you and others, to get money to carry along with him.

How Taylors came to be of the bloud-Royal.

WHen King Henry the fifth was Prince of Wales, he was a very dissolute Prince, and with a company of Roysters that belonged to him, would oftentimes Rob on the High way; and though for the most part they bore away the prize, yet of­tentimes they met with stout opposition. It happend one time that they were so hard­ly matcht, that his party received many blows, and amongst the rest he had some cuts or slashes given him on a doublet he then wore, which for the rarity of it his Father took special notice of: therefore, that it might not be espyed, it was carried to a Taylors to mend: the Taylor having viewed it, and considering it could not be well mended without taking in pieces, threw it unto his Journey-man to un-rip, and he being poor and proud, Taylor-like, scorning such inferiour work as to un-rip, threw it to the under-prentice, who in slash­ing the seames, chanced to find a Lowse, [Page 116] and thereupon cryed out, I have found a Lowse in the Princes doublet; his Master hear­ing of it, bid the boy give it to him, that by eating thereof he might become of the blood-royal: the Journey-man hearing him say so, claimed likewise a share, as being the person that should have mended it; so that there rose great contention betwixt them, which of them should have the Lowse: at last, to save the effusion of blood, both of them chusing rather to feed then to fight, it was agreed betwixt them to cut the Lowse in two, and either of them to eat half, by which meanes they might both become of the Royal-blood: the under-Prentice who had found the Lowse, thought it hard measure that he should have no share amongst them, but to live and die a poor Peasant: at last, casting his eyes aside on the Sheares, he espyed them all stained with the blood of the Lowse which had been shed in the dividing of her, wherefore lick­ing the blood off with his tongue, he also became of the Royal-blood; so that by eating that which had sucked the blood of the Prince, Taylors have ever since been of the blood-Royal.

Of a Taylor.

A Taylor playing at cudgels, and hav­ing his legs well beaten, the company laughed heartily at him. Why laugh you Gentlemen? quoth the Taylor, It is not my legs I stand upon when I get my living.

Another of Taylors.

ONe commended Taylors much for their dexterity, saying, they had their busi­ness at their fingers ends; and I, said another, think them to be meer Woodcocks, because they have both of them long bills.

Another.

ONe said that a Taylors feet must needs stink, for when he was at his work they were always in his breech.

The Gentleman and Beggar.

A Beggar asked an Alms of a Gentle­man, who gave him a Tester: the Beg­gar thanked him, and said he would pray to God heartily for him; but the Gentle­man bid him pray for his self, and not for him, for be did not use to take any Alms usury.

Another.

A Gentleman walking over Lincolns-In­fields, was followed by a Beggar, and earnestly importuned with the Terms of Good your Honour, pray your Worship, sweet Master bestow somthing on mee: he to try this Beggars humour, said, that they used to call such as gave them nothing, Rogues and Ras­cals: no indeed, said the Beggar, not I, I scorn to do it: well said the Gentleman, Ile try ye for this once; but the Beggar return'd him such a peale in his eares, that he was glad to mend his pace to get out of the hearing of it.

The Loving Wife.

A Kinde wife followed her Husband to the Gallows; and being half-way, he desired her to trouble her self no further, but to go home; to which she answer'd: Yes, dear Husband, now I have seen you thus far on your way, faith ile see you hang'd too before I will leave ye.

Of a Witch.

A Witch being condemned, and at the Stake to be burned, desired her Son to fetch her some drink, telling him she was [Page 119] exceeding dry: O mother, said he, it is well you are so, you will burn the better for that a great deal.

The unbelieving Cuckold.

A Fellow looking out at a window, espy­ed his wife and another man very closely at it in lascivious embraces; and hearing her tell the man how dearly she loved him above all the men in the world, the Cuckold said aloud unto him, Believe her not friend, for she hath told me as much a thousand times, and a thousand at the end of that, and yet I have still found her false.

The Judge and his Tenant.

A Judge who bare great sway in the Country where he lived, was about a sumptuous building; for the bringing in of which materials, divers Country-men were requested, with their carts and horses: amongst others, one that dwelt neer him went with his Cart and Horse. The Stew­ard, as was the manner of the Country, had provided two Tables for their dinners, for those that came gratis special cheer, but for those that came for hire very ordinary. Being in the Hall, he in his Lords name invited them to sit down, telling them one [Page 120] board was for them that came in love, the other for those who came for money. This Husbandman hearing how the business was orderd, sat down at neither; and being by the Steward asked why he did not place him­self, the Hind replyed, he saw no Table pro­vided for him, for he came neither for love nor money, but for very fear.

Marrying a Scold worse then hanging.

A Duke being highly offended with his Slave, would have hanged him; but at last he bethought himself of a worser punishment, as he thought, saying, No, hanging is too mild a torment for him, I will Plague him worse, I'll marry him to a Scold.

The Fool best liked.

A Young youth having been to see a Play, was asked when he came out of the Play-house, which amongst those brave fellows he liked best; the Youth said he liked the Fool best, because he made most mirth, and could have wished with all his heart, that they had been all fools for his sake.

On disturbing the Players.

AT such time as the Rump began to bear sway, the Players were soon di­sturbed by the Souldiers, and had the thanks of the House for this their service, being not willing that any should play the fool but themselves. Amongst others, Al­derman A— moved in the House that the Souldiers might have the Players Cloaths for their pains: to which motion Harry Martin stood up, and told the Speaker that he liked the Gentlemans motion very well, but feared that they would fall out for the fools Coat.

Of Harry Martin.

THis Harry Martin being condemned for the execrable murther of the King, was after sentence brought before the House of Lords, to shew cause why he should not suffer the Execution of that sentence; to which he returned answer, That he came in upon the Kings Proclamation, and well hoped, that he should not suffer for that which he obeyed, having never observed any of the Kings, nor his Predecessors Proclamations be­fore.

A sharp nip.

A Young Gallant in company was up with a great deal of foolish and pro­phane talk; to whom a Gentlewoman said, How much is the world mistaken in you, that reports you to be an unthrift, when you are so good a Husband, that you will not spend your wit and words at once?

A watchful Mayor.

A Mayor of London dyed the same day that he was sworn; of whom one said merrily, He was a very vigilant Mayor, that never slept all the time [...]f his Mayoralty.

Of speaking Latine.

TWo Gentlemen were talking Latine in the company of a Gentlewoman, who being suspitious that they spake of her, de­sired them to speak in English, that she might understand them, For I am per­swaded, said she, you are talking no good, because I know when men speak Latine, if it be but two words, one of them is naught: whereupon one of them said presently, Bona Mulier: to which she said, I know Bona is good, but I'll warrant ye Mulier signifies something that is naught.

The riotous Gallant.

A Young Gallant new come to his means, rioted in a very high manner; his Mo­ther blaming him for his unthriftiness, in a [...]elting chafe he said, Faith (Mother) taunt [...]e so but once more, and for very spight [...]'ll sell all the land and living I have. To whom his Mother answered, If you sell it for six pence, you will be no looser by it, for it [...]ever cost you a groat.

A witty Jest.

TWo Gentlemens servants being drink­ing together chanced to fall out; and [...]t last, amongst other discourse, fell to vy­ [...]ng the Nobleness of their Masters; one of [...]hem saying, My Master spends more in Mu­ [...]ard then yours does in Beef. To whom [...]he other replyed, The more sawcy men his [...]ollowers.

A sharp retort.

AN ancient Knight of a Noble Family meeting with other Justices upon a Commission, one upstart Justice, the son of [...]n Husbandman, espy'd the Knights Sattin [...]oublet out at the Elbows, and said unto [...]im, Fie, Sir, what mean you to wear [...]uch a torn doublet? Go to sirrah (said [Page 124] the Knight) you came so lately out of sack [...] cloath, that you know not what Sattin means.

The Lawyer and his man.

A Lawyer riding into the Country, had a man attending on him, who had been his servant neer a dozen years: Sir, said he, I have been with you thus long, and yet am very ignorant in the chief matters of your Profession, I pray resolve me which i [...] the chief point of the Law. To whom hi [...] Master said, If you will pay for our supper to night, I will tell it you: to which the servant willingly yeilded. Well then, said his Master, good witness is the chief point. So at night when they came to their Inne, his Master was very liberal in calling for Wine, good Cheer and Tobacco, insomuch that the Reckoning at last amounted to thirty shillings; which the Master told the man, he was to pay: Not I, says his man. Where­fore? why, did not you promise to do it, said the Lawyer, if I would tell you the chiefest point in the Law, which I did? His man replyed, Where's your witness?

A fair woman, a Heavenly Creature.

A Gentleman riding by, where many Gentlewomen sat at a street-door; a Mastiff dog came running out, and flew up­on him: the Gentleman turning him a­bout, said to the Gentlewomen, This Cur is Hell, and all you Heaven.

The upstart Gentleman.

AN upstart Gentleman, who by his mony had purchased a flourishing Coat of Arms, was mocking at the plain Coat of an Esquires, of an ancient house: to whom the Esquire returned this answer, I wear the Coat which my great, great, great, great, Grandfather left me; but had I been to have [...]ought one as you did, it should have been guarded after the newest fashion.

Of a vain boaster.

A Talkative man, who took himself to be a grand Wit, was boasting that in what Company soever he came, he was the lea­der of the discourse, and that none durst speak in his presence, if he held his peace: No marvail, said one, for they are all struck dumb at the miracle of your silence.

Another.

ANother fellow was boasting himself to be a great Wit, saying, he was judged to be all Wit: Is it possible, said one, that people do think you to be all Wit? if it b [...] so, then the Anagram of your name is Wit-All.

A chast Gentleman.

A Gentleman had been to see the Peak, and in his return at night in his Inne a Wench stept into the Chamber, and pro­fer'd him her service all night: to whom the Gentleman answer'd, No, he would not enter the Peak twice in twelve hours.

Nothing without mony.

A Gentleman coming to Court in his Coach, as he was lighting out of it, asked a Page that retained to some person therein, what it was a Clock: Sir, said the youth, what will you give me then? Why said the Gentleman, must you have mony given you to tell that? Sir (quoth the lad) I would not have you mistake your self, we Courtiers do nothing without mony.

The Traveller and Cobler.

A Conceited Traveller having his shooes torn, went to a Coblers to have them mended, to whom he used these ex­pressions, God save you Master mend-all, I have brought you here a pair of Cram-a-Crees, beseeching you of your benevolence to fix me on four preservatives against the cold evil of the Indies. The Cobler think­ing coyned Silver was better then such coyned Language, returned him this an­swer, Sir, your Eloquence passes my Intelli­gence; yet if you please, I will Cobble you on four pieces for six pence.

On Mr. Prat.

SOme Thieves had stollen Sheep from one Mr. Prat, and killed them in a Wood; at their departure they had writ­ten these lines, and fixed them in a Paper [...]o the body of a Tree.

Master Prat,
Your Sheep were very fat,
We thank you for that.
Out of eleven
We took but seven,
Pray thank us for that.
Amongst the Bryers and Thorns
We have left you the head and the horns,
Pray thank us for that.
The wool with the skins
To buy your wife pins,
Pray thank us for that.

Mr. Prat found the Verses, but could ne­ver after that hear of his Sheep.

On John Brown.

THere was a University-Capper in Ox­ford, named John Brown, who whilst he was ringing in one of the Belfries of the said City, the Clapper of the Bell fell up­on his head, and almost kill'd him: at arch wag seeing this mischance, and con­ceiving it mortal, writ over the place where this mischance hapned, these lines:

Here lies John Brown the Ʋniversity-Capper,
That liv'd by the Bell, and dy'd by the Clapper

But John Brown afterwards recovering, an [...] seeing the Verses, writ this underneath.

John Brown is alive, and liveth in hope
To live by the Bell, when thou dy'st by the Rope.

The Gentleman and Musitian.

A Musitian to bid a Gentleman good morrow, was singing under his win­dow, ‘The fair wife prov'd a Shrew.’

The Gentleman hearing him, rise out of his bed, and said, The fair wife you speak of, you must look somewhere else, but the Shrew is abed with me.

The gra [...]eless Son.

ONe was complaining that no man ever had such an undutifull Son as he had. Yes, said his Son, (with less grace then truth) my Grandfather had.

The modest Captain.

A Captain going to visit a Knight, he before many Guests commended the Captain, for many wonderfull acts, which he did at the Siege of St. Quintins. The company much admiring thereat, the Captain answer'd, that what the Knight said was not wonderful, for the Armour he then wore was as thick as betwixt London and St. Quintins. Why, said the Knight, were you not there then? No indeed, said the Captain. [Page 130] No matter, quoth the Knight, but if you had been there, I am sure you would have done as much as I said.

Fool-hardiness.

ONe having received a deep cut in the head, in a Foolish fray, went to a Chyrurgion to be dressed: who searching to see if his brains were not perished, and not easily finding them; said the wounded man, Trouble not your self to search for my brains, for if I had had any, I should not so rashly have enter'd in so an unluckie a brawl.

Of Lent.

A Parish in the West-Country called Lent, happened to be on fire; one passing by and bemoaning the sadness of the accident, asking what was the name of the Town; and being answer'd Lent; Lent? quoth he, I pray ye then in with Frydays and Satur­days too, that the Fire may consume them all together.

Dreams Fables.

ONe told King Henry the eighth that h [...] dreamed he would give him a bag of Gold; but, said the King, you are no good Christian if that you believe dreams to b [...] true.

Put always the Cart afore the Horse.

AN old man with a long white beard, be­ing to take his Oath at a Tryal in Law, the Judge asked him how old he was; My Lord, said he, I am six and fourscore: And why not fourscore and six? said the Judge: Because quoth he I was six before I was fourscore.

Of an old man.

AN old man complained that he had but one tooth left in his head, which was fallen out lately with eating of a ripe Figg: to whom one said, But your tooth was more ripe.

A quick answer, to a vain Boaster.

ONe boasted that there was not any one of his name in all England, and yet he himself was a Gentleman: to whom said one, I am sorry Sir you have such a name, that there is not one good of it.

Great bribes, do great matters.

A Controversie in Law was at last referr'd to a Gentleman to decide, and both Parties bound to stand to his award; the Plaintiff, to win him to his side, presented him with a new Coach: and the Defendant to gaine his favour gave him four brave [Page 132] Horses. The Gentleman liking the Horses better then the Coach, gave the verdict on the Defendants side: whereupon the Plain­tiffe asked him how it came to pass the Coach went out of the right way: the Gentleman answer'd, he could not help it, for it was the Horses had drawn it so.

Nothing like money.

A Poor man in a Rightfull cause had sued a rich man, so that at the last it came to a Tryal: the rich man knowing his cause bad, bribed the Judge with a dozen of A­postle spoons, which at the time of tryal al­most turned the Scales on his side; the poor man perceiving how the matter went, down on his knees in the middle of the Court, and holding up his hands, said; Now the Lord Jesus be on my side, or my cause is lost, for the twelve Apostles are against mee.

The Serving-man and Mr. Jordan.

A Servingman being sent of an errand to one Mr. Jordan, to tell him that his Master would speak with him, meeting him by the way, with more hast then man­ners said thus to him: Mr. Piss-pot, my Ma­ster must needs speak with you presently. The Gentleman angry to be thus abused, said, [Page 133] Sirrah do not you know that my name is Jordan? Why (quoth the Servingman) pray what difference is there betwixt a Piss-pot and a Jordan?

Of dying in Debt.

ONe that had often asked an old Debt, was still put off with words, that he would pay him ere it were long; which made him to say, I suppose at last you will die in my Debt; to which the other answer'd, I have lived now this forty years, and am sure I never died in any ones Debt yet.

Of telling a Lye.

ONe seeing his Friend looking out at a Prison-window, asked him why he came there: who answered, that it was for telling a Lye: at which the other marvail­ing, he explained his meaning, saying, that owing such a one a sum of money, and not paying him at the time promised, he arrest­ed me for the same, and put me in Prison, by which meanes I am here for telling a Lye.

Of a Calves head.

SOme Gentlemen being set at dinner, where amongst other dishes was a Calves-head, one of them was very much commending it: and amongst other good [Page 134] properties, for the clearness thereof; to which he was answered by one, that it was very clear indeed, yea so clear that he might see his own face therein.

The Country-fellow and Ship.

A Country-fellow new come to London that had never seen a Ship in his life, coming to Tower-wharfe, he there had the view of several; wondring what they should be, he asked one of the Ship-boys what that great thing was called in which he was; who told him it was a Ship. Then asked he him how old it was; who answer'd him, Two years old. Good Lord, said the Country­man, but two years old? what a great thing it will be by that time it comes to my age!

The Drunkards cause of spewing.

SOme Gentlemen being a bowling, a drunken fellow was got into the Green, whose Stomach being over-charged, he fell a spewing before them all; for which one of the Gentlmen blaming him, Marry (said he) it would make any man spew to see how you bowle.

Of greedy eating.

A Fellow being sent of an errand to a Country-Gentlemans house, had Victuals set before him, on which he fell so greedily, as made the Gentleman to stand and admire at his teeth and stomack-ex­ploits; and therefore in a kinde of Ironi­cal speech he spake to him, and bid him to eat heartily. I thank you, Sir, said the fel­low, so I do, I think I eat like a man. Nay, quoth the Gentleman, that thou doest not▪ for I never saw a man to eat so before, I think thou doest rather eat like a Beast.

Woodcock and Swallow.

TWo Gentlemen were bowling together, whereof the one was named Woodcock▪ the other Swallow. Mr. Swallow having thrown a good cast, was boasting thereof: to whom the other said, It is not one Swallow that makes a Summer. No, said Swallow to him again, neither is it one Woodcock that makes a winter.

The Gentleman and Mare.

A Glownish Gentleman had so far pre­vailed upon the affections of a Gen­tlemans Daughter, that the Marriage was a­greed upon; but he besides the Portion pro­mised, would have into the Bargain a good­ly Mare which was grazing in a Pasture be­fore the house; and so high he stood there­on, that upon the refusal thereof he told the Gentleman, that if he had not the Mare, he would have none of his Daugh­ter; upon which the Marriage was quite broken off. About a twelve-month after, this penurious wooer chanced to meet the Gentlewoman at a Matket, and would needs have renewed old acquaintance with her: but she pretending ignorance, told him that she did not know him. No, said he, do no [...] you know me? why I was once a Suiter to you. O cry you mercy, said she, I think there was once such a Gentleman a suiter to my Fathers Mare, but I assure you never any such a one a suiter to me.

Of picking a bone.

SOme variance happening betwixt a Gen­tleman and his Wife, she refused to sit down to dinner with him: whereupon to affront her, having eaten the meat off of a bone, he sent it to her by a Servant, bid­ding him to tell her, that there was a bone for her to pick: to requite this frump, she sent him word back again by the same Servant, that she had three Children since they were married together, whereof one of them was none of his; and bid him to tell him, that that was a bone for him to pick.

The Gentleman and Butcher.

A Company being at Bowls, of which was a Butcher and a Fantastical gal­lant, in their play they chanced to fall out, so that the Gallant up with a Bowl, and struck the Butcher such a blow on his head, as laid him shaking of his heels: whereupon one of the standers by said, I have seen ma­ny a Butcher knock down a Calf, but I ne­ver before saw a Calf knock down a Butcher.

The Master and Maid.

A Master was once had before a Justice of the Peace for getting his Maid with Childe; the Master pleaded that his Maid came into the bed to him: Why then, said the Justice, you should have gone out of the Bed from her. Yea (said the Ma­ster) would you have done so, if a handsome Maid had come to Bed to you? no I'll warrant ye.

Another.

ANother Maid (who lay at her Masters Beds feet) was by him gotten with Childe; whereupon her Mistriss rated her soundly: the Wench to excuse her self, said, That her Master would do it: But then (quoth the Mistress) you should have cryed out. Why (replyed the Wench) I have often heard my Master and you about the same business, and I never heard you for to cry out.

An illiterate Church-warden.

ONe of great wealth, but no learning at all, was by the Vestry chosen Church-warden of the Parish; he to excuse himself as being an illiterate man, desired them they would excuse him therein, For (said [Page 139] he) that Office requires a learned man, when I protest that I can write nor read no more then the Pope of Rome.

Of Mastery 'twixt man and wife.

A Man and his wife were striving for ma­stery; or as we say, who should wear the Breeches; when in the interim one knocks at the door, which occasioned a cessation of blows for a time: whilst the goodman steps to the door, and asks the party who he would speak withal? who told him, The Master of the house: Stay friend, said the goodman, but a little while, and I shall re­solve thee, for as yet the case is doubtful; and so stepping in, his wife and he went to it again, till at last she yeilded him the Victory; which being obtained, he goes again to the door, Now friend, said he, thou must speak with me, but I could not tell thee so much be­fore, till my wife and I had decided the con­ [...]oversie.

A Bull.

A Tradesman having accidentally struck his wife a blow, whereof she dyed; [...]ne being told of it, said, That being he did [...]ot do it willingly, the killing of that woman [...]uld [...]e found but Manslaughter.

A tale of a pack of Cards.

A Precise Gentleman kept a Serva [...] that was a great player at Cards, wh [...] was complained thereof to his Master by one of his fellow-Servants. The Gentle­man, who would not endure such wicked­ness as he thought to raign in his Family, had his man in examination, charging hi [...] very deeply for a great Gamester: Sir, said the Servant, I am so far from being a player at Cards, that I know not what a pair of Cards means. No, said the Gentleman to the tell-tale, did not you say he was a great player at Cards? Yes and please your Wor­ship, quoth he, he is so, and so addicted to them, that he seldom goes without a pair in his pocket. Upon these words the Gentle­man commanded his pockets to be search­ed, wherein was a pair found indeed. What is this? said the Gentleman, did not you say you knew not Cards? then pray what things are these? O that, quoth the man, is my Almanack, which I carry con­tinually about with me. Pray, said the Gentleman, make it appear how these Cards can be an Almanack. Why thu [...] Sir, said the man; there are in these thing [...] you call Cards, as many suits as there are [Page 141] [...]y! for Heavens sake! It is I, It is I, our di­ [...]tressed Sister, and unfortunate Journey-man Ri­chard, who innocently sporting together, have most unhappily Twined our selve [...] in this manner; out of which it is impossible for us to get free, without some Assistance from your helping hand: Therfore, I beseech you as a tender Brother, have some Compassion for your miserable Sister, and her unhappy Companion, in the Condition we are now in, and our utmost Endeavours shall be, for the future, to retaliate your kindness in the highest manner we shall be ever capable of perfor­ming, (the Fellow groaning and sighing all the while, not speaking one Word for himself, but expecting to be sent immediately into another World, for the affront put upon his Master, in being so over familiar with his Sister) her Bro­ther starting to hear his Sister's Voice fancy'd himself to be in a Dream▪ by reason of some Fa­miliarity that had passed between them, at other times; but her repeated Importunities and crying out, soon convinc'd him of the reality of what he before had but barely imagin'd. And considering withal, what an Odium their Family would un­dergo, first turn'd his Sister upon the Man, re­solving to pin them both to the Ground with his Spit, and was just ready to pierce it through their Bodies, had not another of the Family, who perceived now the worst of the danger, fortunate­ly [...]topping his hand: prevented the fatal stroak, and interceded for their Pardon. The Brother at first could not easily be appeased, but his Passion a­bating, and considering the best way would be, to keep it as private as they could from the Ears of their Neighbours, he promised to unloose them: but with this proviso, That they should tye them­selves faster together by a Matrimonial Conjunct­ion, and by that means prevent the Scandal which unavoidably would be brought upon their Family. [Page 142] To this they very joyfully consented, and loving­ly Kissing on the Ground, swore Constancy and Fidelity to each other, and in a few days after, were marry'd and liv'd very happily together.

425.

A Constable carry'd a big belly'd Woman before a Justice, and said, An't please your Worship, I have brought you here a Maid with Child. The Wench call [...]d him Fool and Knave; she being re­proved, said, he must needs be one of 'em, for said she, If I am a Maid, he is a Fool to think I am with Child, and if I am not with Child, he is a Knave for saying I am.

426.

A Person looking upon some Pictures, which hung up against a Wall, and among the rest there Was the Picture of King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba, an old Woman coming by, nestles up close to him; Pray Sir, says she, what pretty Pict­ure is that? Whereupon the Gentleman resolved her, but she pretended Deafness two or three times, desir'd him to speak a little louder, and the fourth time she got his Watch out of his Pock­et, and dropping him a low Courte [...]ie, told him she was very well satisfied

427.

A debauched Fellow was brought before a Just­ice of the Peace for Swearing, the Justice com­manded him to pay his Fine, which was two Shil­lings▪ for two Oaths, whereupon he pulls out half a Crown, and ask'd the Justice the Price of a Curse, who told him Sixpence: Then a Pox take you all for Knaves and Fools, and there's half a Crown for you, who the Devil would stand changing of Money.

428.

A Miser having a Sheep stole from him by a poor Man, would needs send him to Prison, saying, There was not such a damn'd Rogue in all the World: Pray Sir, says he remember your self, and judge not me

429.

A wise Mayor with his discreet Wife, went to [...]e the Queen's Ape, as she came in the Ape catch'd [...]t his Wife, and made Months at her, but the Mayor told the Ape He was an unmannerly Gen­ [...]man, to mock an ancient Woman as his Wife was [...]d old enough to be his Mother.

430.

One When the Hangman went to put the Hal­ [...]r about his Neck, desired him not to bring the [...]ope too near his Throat: For, says he, I am so [...]cklish about that Place, that I shall hurt my self, [...] with over-laughing, that it will go near to throt­ [...] me.

431.

One was stop'd, by the Constable, he ask'd him that was his Name? He told him Adultery. [...]hen Sir I'll commit you; Sir, says he, If you do, [...]ur Wife will be angry, for committing Adultery [...]on your Watch.

432.

The Watch passing by, out of a Window one [...]rew a Piss-pot upon their Heads; they being [...]gry, he a [...]ked who they wore? They reply'd [...]e Watch. Why then, Harm watch, harm catch.

433.

One came to the Tower-gate, just as it was shut, [...]d the Wardens going in with the Keys, Ho, [...]llow, says he, open the Gates: None of your [...]llow but a poor Knave; why then poor Knave. [...]ay, no Knave neither Sir; Why then says he, [...] was a Knave that told me so.

434.

A Horse stealer was brought to be examin'd be­fore the Justice, who finding the Fellony apparent, [...]ell, Sirrah, says he, If thou art not hang'd for [...]is, I'll be hang'd for you! I humbly thank your [...]orship, (replyed the Thief,) and when the time [...]es, I desire you not to be out of the way.

435.

A Welsh man arraigned and convicted, by Favour [Page 144] of the Bench, had his Clergy granted him, [...] when he was burnt in the Hand, they bid him say Cot save the King: Nay, says the Welsh-M [...] Cot bless her good Father and Mother, for [...] they had not brought her up to Read and Write, her might have been Hang'd for all hur King.

436

A simple Fellow being arraigned at the B [...] ▪ the Judge was so favourable to him as to give hi [...] his Clergy, and they bid him Read: Read▪ Truly my Lord, says he, I can Read no more than the Pope of Rome.

437

Another Fellow had the Favour of his Clergy also, and being illiterate, a Scholar stood behind him to instruct him, and the Words were Lord have mercy upon us; so the fellow held the Book, and the Scholar bid him say after him O Lord, says the Scholar, O Lord, says the Fellow, and hi [...] Thumb being upon the other part of it, the Scholar said, Take away thy Thumb: Then says the Fellow, O Lord, take away thy Thumb. Then says the Judge, Legit aut n [...] Clerice? Non Legit, says he, Then the Judge said, Take him away Goaler.

438

A new married Man being in bed with [...] Wife, and thinking her a Virgin told her he [...] afraid he should hurt her, and therefore wou [...] rise and fetch an instrument to order affairs [...] easier Way; but she speaking simply, and to e [...] him, said, Good Husband don't trouble your se [...] for my Father's Journey-man hath saved you the Labour a Twelve Month ago.

439

A Man and his Wife being in Bed together, toward Morning pretended some uneasiness desired to Lye in her Husbands Place, so Good Man being Willing to please Her, came [...] Her, making some short stay in his Passage: [Page 145] had not lain long there, but she desir'd him to change places, and ask'd him to come over her again: Nay, nay, says he, stay there, I had rather go a mile about first.

444.

A Citizen more tender of his Wife than himself, us'd to make her go to bed first in the Winter­time, and lye in his place to warm it, and the [...] call'd her his Warming pa [...], which she not well re­lishing, went according to her usual custom to war [...] his bed, and left something smoaking in the place: He suddenly leap'd into it, and findin [...] himself in a stinking pickle, Wife, says he, I'm be­shit: No, Husband, says she, it is but a Coal dropt out of your warming-pan.

445.

A Country fellow came to a Turner's Shop to buy a Mat; many were shew'd him, but he lik'd none: Then to jeer the Bompkin he call'd his Wife and Daughter Mat, and told him, there was all the Mats he h [...]d: No, says he, they will not do, for I must have one that has not been lai [...] upon.

446.

A Man having married an old Woman, he told her, he had let something wherein he should be a great loser: with that she let a lusty Fa [...]t; O now, says he, I must confess you have made me a great Savour.

447.

One hearing of the Story of St. George that kill'd the Dragon, said sure 'twas a Lye, nay some be­lieve, there was never a St. George nor a Dragon. I, says a simple fellow, Pray God there be a Maid.

448.

Some Gentlemen being a drinking, a Wench came up to attend them: she being not enough, in anger they knock'd for more, the Master com­ing up, ask'd what they call'd for: Said they, must we be thus attended? Have you no more whores in [Page 146] the Hous [...] but this? Yes, Sir, pray be patient, I'll send up my own Wife immediateley.

449.

Two Widows sitting by the fire, were chatting together of their dead Husbands, says one, let us have another Candle, for my poor Husband lov'd Light, God send him Light everlasting; and says the other, my Husband lov'd a good Fire, I wish him Fire everlasting.

450.

Sir Thomas Moor had many Daughters but no Sons, so that his Wife did often wish for a boy, which at last she had, which was very simple; A [...] Wife says he, thou hast often wish'd for a Boy, and this will be a Boy so long as he lives.

451.

A Maid that had more Beauty than wit, stood viewing herself naked in a glass, at last she sets the Glass a pretty distance off from her, so that screw­ing her Body, she saw the reflection of something in the Glass; whereupon she said, well, 'tis no matter, tho' the shadow be Wry-Mouth'd, yet the Substance is as right as my Leg.

452.

A Country man told his Wife, 'twas her Fault his Daughter play'd the Whore, for she should have lock'd her up: Lock me no Locks says she, for the Devil take that Key that can't unlock it.

453.

A Fellow wooing a Wench, she sat so long be­tween his Legs that he fell fast asleep: She rose up and put the Churm between his Legs, h [...] wak­ing hug'd it and said, Well, and how dye now? Th [...]ing the Wench had been there.

454.

A Gentleman had o't solicited his Wife's Maid for a little of that which Harry gave Doll, but she deny'd it still, saying, he'd hurt her, and then [...] should cry out; after all was done, Look ye no [...] says be, did I hurt you? Well, says she, or did cry out then?

456.

A Wench was got with Child, and her Mistress would know who got it, she said, no Body; says her Mistress, you Whore, do you think any Wo­man can be with Child without a man? Why, says she, may not I have a Child without a Ma [...], as well as a Hen lays Eggs without a Cock.

457.

A married man having got a Wench with Child, was told by the Justice, that he thought such a man as he, would not have defil'd his Bed so: You mi­stake, Sir, says he, there was no defiling of the bed in the case, for it was done in the Field.

458.

Another was accused for getting his Maid with Child, and that he went into the Maid's Bed to do it. He to excuse it, swore, he never went into his Maid's Bed, for the Bed was his own.

459.

One ask'd his Trading Wife, what was the rea [...]on he must have his Life burden'd so by her ill Cour­ses? Pray Husband, says she, let not that trouble you, for you know that I bear more Burden [...] you every day, and yet I am contented.

460.

A virtuous Lady being once in a musing vein, sat with her Legs Pretty wide; says her Husband, Sweet heart, your Cabinet stands open; say you so, says she, why do not you lock it then? For I am sure, none keeps the Key but your self.

461.

A Gallant espying a handsome Maid, says he, Swe [...]t heart, give me leave to kiss your Hands an [...] Feet: O lack, Sir, says she, you are in extreams to aim both high and low at once, for I have o [...] heard there's vertue in the middle, and there you may kiss, if you won't you may let it alone.

462.

A Lawyer would not only conte [...] himself with a s [...]fficient Dose of the Juice of the [...]pe, but af­ter [Page 148] he came home, (which was generally late, and when his Wife was a bed) would slip into Bed in the dark to his Maid, and steal the forbidden plea­sures of Adultery. This he continued to do often, using when he rose from her to go to his Wife's Bed, to give her half a Crown. At length, his Wife finding it out, watch'd his coming home one Night, and privately order'd the Maid a Lodging up one pair of Stairs higher, and went her self in­to the Maid's Bed: When her Husband came home as usual, without a Light, he goes softly to the Bed, and there without any words, falls to work very hard with his Wife, and when he had done, gives her half a Crown, and rises to go down Stairs to cool himself, before he went to his wife: In the mean time she rises and goes to her own bed, and falls fast a sleep. But in the morning before her Husband was up, she calls the Wench, pays her her Wages, and bids her be gone. The Husband hearing a noise below, rises, and comes down, just as the Wench was going out of Doors, and asking what was the matter? Was answer'd by his Wife without any reason, that she had pay'd her off and she was going away. But she had not gone out of Sight, before the Mistress call'd after her, and said, ‘Ah Lack-a-day! Hus [...]y, I'd like t'ave forgot the Half-Crown I earn'd for you last Night, but here it is;’ and so gave it her before her Husband, who, you may imagine, guess'd then the meaning of her going away.

463.

A French man who having liv'd a single Life too long as he thought to his advantage, was re­solved to marry a Wife to dress his Vict [...]ls, or­der his Houshould Affairs, and take care of other necessaries, &c. At l [...]st he pitches upon one, but she being a proud fin [...]ky▪ Creature, car'd to do little or nothing: So that a [...]ter he had been mar­ried a Month, and the Honey-moon was over, he desires she would dress the meat he had bought [Page 149] for Dinner: At which she mumbl'd, and look'd like the Devil over Lincoln, saying, Truly she expected to have a Maid to do that for her, for she was never bred up to such slavery: At which the contented Husband seem'd very well satisfy'd, and replyed, very well, my Dear. If dat you vil not do't par me, begar, me vil do't par you. So did it accordingly. The next day the Bed wan­ted to be made, and she would not do't, however he would do it for her: When Saturdy came, the House wanted to be clean'd, then she would not do it, but he was forc'd to do it himself. A little time after, he takes his Wife abroad in the Fields as u­sual, and sitting down pretty tyr'd under a hedge, Monsieur spyes a pretty C [...]abstick; at which he drew his Knife, and desired his Wif [...] to cut it for him, but she complain'd of being weary, and said she would not rise, not she; Ve [...], Madam, says he, I'll do it for ye; so rises, and cuts the stick and trims it fit for use; when coming to her, he, said, see my dear vat pretty Stick is dis; take i [...], do take it, and beat your self with it; No no crys she in a Passion, what d'ye think I'm a Fool, or mad? Well den says he, I'll do it for you, and so he belabour'd her to some purpose, that ever afterwards she became a good Wife, and was wil­ling to do what ought to be done her self, without putting her Husband to the trouble of doing it for her.

464.

An Attorney's Man having got a Wench with Child, who being brought to Bed of a Son, he was puzl'd to contrive for its maintenance: But at last he found out a way, which was thus; He with four more of his Companions were at a Tavern, and an old Woman comes up, saying, [Page 150] will you buy any Ribbon, Gentlemen? Aye, says our Spark, and buys some, giving her half a crown to go down and change, instead of which, she left her Basket behind, wherein they found a Child, which they obliged themselves equally to main­tain, and put to Nurse.

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