BEfore I enter into the Character of the People, it will not be improper to acquaint my Reader with the Motives which induc'd me to make Ob­servations upon 'em, since I who am about to give him an account of others, may perhaps b [...] expected to give some account of my self. Let it therefore sufficee if I tell him, the same Curiosity which leads him to the perusal of these Remarks, prevaild upon me to make 'em; And as I am not arrived to the years of those Men, who think no Country deserving of their Notice, but that in which they were born, so my Inclinations are wholly differ­ent from theirs. In short, I was forc'd to make a loose from Old England, and since I had no green Turf of my own to tread upon, in it, I was resolv'd to set Sail for a place, whither few, but those in the same condition with my self, would direct their Course.

And as it was not impossible but I might recover the esteem of my Friends, which I had unhappily lost; so I was resolv'd against my coming again into favour, to furnish my self with some Story or other to en­tertain their Maids with, like other young Travellers, in order to continue in their esteem. For it's as common now, for an insinuating Servant to alienate a Mothers affection from her Son, or a Sisters from her Brother, as it is for 'em to lie with their Masters, or wear their Mistresses old Cloaths.

Pursuant to to these Inclinations, I pick't up what Money I could, and went Aboard the Owners-Love, a Ship in the River which was bound for Ireland; The Commander had laid in Vsquebaugh and Wine enough, and so I held my self con­tented: and what added to my satisfaction, was, that I did not want for Com­pany to divert my self with, during my Voyage. Three of the Directors of the Old East-India-Company had just brought in their Goods before I came aboard, and several who had considerable Posts in the Office of Land-Credit were making the best of their way off with 'em; we had also a Bawd, who had been forc'd to quit her Venerable Station, on account of the Act against Prophanness and Immorality; and a Poet who had lost all hopes of a good third Day in England, since Mr. Collier's Short View of the English Stage had made its appearance in publick. For my part, I thought the Man of Metre much in the right, and since Hot-Beds are generally made out of Dunghills, the only way to ripen and secure the growth of his Muse, was to transplant her to an Isle where there is nothing else. In short, whilest the three Directors were railing against Heathcot and Shepherd, and the No-Landed Land-Credit-Men were cursing Dr. Chamberlain; The Poet being wholy taken up in biting his Nails, and making wry Faces, as taking leave (as I suppose) of his Mistress in some dolefull Sonnet, or meditating on some Invective against Collier who had made him step aside; I could not but take incitement from his odd sort of Gestures, to attempt something in Verse too; and since I had learn'd something by playing at Crambo formerly with my Mo­thers Maids, and could Write and Read (the chief Excellencies of Poets now a days) I e'en went above-deck, and took my leave of that Famous City, which fled from our sight, as we fled from it, by Penning down the following Lines.

These were the hasty Thoughts I committed to Paper; and I who retir'd to my Muse to divert my self, found that instead of removing from the Ideas of those Troubles I would have avoided, I had by making Application to Her, a more lively Representation of 'em. Wherefore I return'd again to my Com­pany, whom I found sitting in for a hearty Cup, the only Preservative against Melancholly. You may judge I wanted not many Persuasions to make one among 'em, and to endeavour the dislodgment of a Guest, which had taken up free Quarters, and liv'd at descretion, as the Temper I was then in had. Accord­ingly I pledg'd the Bawd, who I must tell you, took something of a liking to me, and did me the honour to drink to me so heartily, and I over my left Thumb, Et sic deinceps; that the East-India Bankrupts had quite forgot that another Company had got the Royal Establishment, the Land-Credit Men were in such a Temper, as if the Iron Chests they have laid in at their Office in Queen-street, were full of those Millions the Undertaker propos'd to have in 'em; and the Virginity Broker, and the Haberdasher of Hexameters were as merry, as if each of 'em had Acts of Parliament for their respective Employs: And I, for my part, with my illuminated Phiz, and my Eyes ready to drop out of my Head, had such entertaining Conceptions, that I could not but imagine my Fortunes bore a Proportion to my Countenance, and had never been under any such thing as an Eclypse. In short, not to be tedious, we did not spare the Bottle during our Voyage, and had such a smooth Passage over St. George his Channel, as if Neptune had known us all to be Bankrupts, and consequently not worth the drowning; since we had nothing to feed his Luxury with but our Flesh, and that was meat hardly good enough for the Fish. But since the Reader may be in haste to know something of the Country we were bound for, I shall close the Journal at Sea, by telling him we got safe to Dublin; where, as it was our Business to con­ceal our selves, we took leave of one another, and went to our respective Quar­ters. A plague on the place; a Garret in Grub-street is one story high to it, and I was forc'd to rest three or four times before I could reach my Bed, which was nothing but a Quilt over some Rushes; and this the Son of a Whore my Landlord would have Eighteen-pence per Week for. I was forced to submit for a time, till I had provided all things for Travelling; and so I visited the several Counties of which the Reader may take the following Account.

IRELAND (at present the Land of Ire, or Heavens Wrath) hath little in it, now, of God's Blessing, and never had very much of the warm Sun. It seems in the Opinion of some, to be part of the refuse of the Earth at the Creation, and that when the rest of Europe was compleated and polished, some of the scrap­ings and rubbish was cast out at this back-door, which being half dried by the squint­ing Beams of Sol, was in some measure dough-baked, into an Island, of what worth and quality shall be hereafter described.

If Europe be compared to a piece of fine Cloath, this must needs be some of the List, or Fagg-end: If to a stately Palace, this is the Postern: If to a humane Figure, where ever we place the Head, this will surely hold more proportion [Page 4] and similitude with the Tail, as will appear upon farther Consideration.

Some formerly have thought fit to call it the Watering-Pot of the Planets; and the French have named it, Le Pot [...] de Chambre du Diable, i. e. the Devil's Piss-pot, seldom dry, but often running over, the Rains falling down so frequently, as if the Heavens were a wounded Eye, perpetually weeping over it it, or the Clouds dropping Spunges,

And then for the often Gusts of Wind, it may well be reck'ned, as Nature's Bellows; but for this, they may perhaps have reason to thank the Bantamites, who sowing so much Pepper yearly in the East-Indies in the Bowels of our Grand­mother Earth, it must needs cause her to break Wind backwards in these Western Parts, where she eases her self of the Collick: What Advantage they reap by it I know not, but the old Proverb says, It's an ill Wind blows no one any Good.

Says one, It is a Frippery for Bankrupts, or the Grand Hospital for such as are troubled with a Consumption in their Estate and Credit. But whatever it were formerly, there is small hopes now that Strangers should be there cured of such desperate Diseases, since the whole Country may well pass for a Map of ge­neral Misery and Poverty, the Natives and Inhabitants being most of them the lively Portraitures of the Prodigal Lad in his most Swinish Condition; so that it were no less difficult now to get into an Estate there (unless by the Conquering Sword) then to get out of their deepest Bogs, when one is sinking, and can neither help ones self out, nor persuade Teague to assist, unless St. Patrick does prompt him in a most special manner.

Yet is the Soil in many Parts fat, and liking, (as Dunghils are) and were it well husbanded, would yield a plentiful Encrease; but what through Laziness, and want of Industry, (I speak of the meer Irish, to whom the whole Character re­lates) and their innate Pride, and Self-conceitedness, which make them disdain to be taught by Foreigners, they do so little Improve their Lands, that unless it be them­selves, nothing to an ingenious Eye can be a sadder Spectacle.

Inclosures are very rare amongst them, and those no better fenced than an old Midwife's toothless Gums, or those Parts of Northamptonshire, where the Hedges were grubbed up by the Rebellious rout of the Commoners.

Much of their Land is reserved for Grazing and Pasturage; and there, in­deed, the Grass being very sweet, and holding a constant verdure, it is in many Places so indented with Purling Brooks and Streams, that their Meadows look like a new green Carpet border'd or fring'd with the purest Silver: Yet Hay is a Rarity amongst them, and would cost them more Pains than they can well afford, towards the making of it; therefore they seldom or never trouble their Heads or Hands about it. And then for their Arable Ground, it lies most com­monly as much neglected and unmanured as the sandy Desarts of Arabia, or a ranting Young Gallant's Old Bed-rid Spouse. And, not to particularize every Circumstance, their National Custom of Ploughing, by tying their wooden Har­ness to the Horse's-Tail, and that other senseless Improvidence of burning their Oates to save the Labour of Thrashing, are two such very remarkable Proofs of their Husbandry, that it would be needless to describe it further: So that what­ever the Country be, they are a wild Herd of brute Animals inhabiting, but not im­proving it.

This Sloath and Carelessness is judged to be one Reason why all sorts of Grain-Fruits are of a less and more degenerate growth, than in other well Cultivated and Improved Countries (which is also noted in most of their Vegetables and Animals, Women and Grey-hounds only excepted) the Corn seldom shoots up to that aspir­ing height upon its Spindle, as may be seen elsewhere, nor does it attain so full and weighty an Ear as to make it bend down to kiss its Mothers Bosom; but grows [Page 5] so dwarfish, thin, and full of Weeds, that it resembles the Field in the Parable, which the Evil One sowed with Tares.

Their Dwellings or Cabans, I should more exactly describe if I durst have adven­tured oftner into them; or could have staid long enough to have Survey'd them at my being there; which I did once Essay, but found it as hazardous almost, as Orpheus his descent into Hell, where there might be indeed a greater Fire, but not more Smoak, which thick Cloud in the midst of the Room did so blind me, and conceal the House, that I could scarce remember any thing, but my sore Eyes, when I came out again: Should they be as much troubled with that other noisom Disease of Scolding Wives, as they are with Smoaky Houses, they might well upon each Door write, Lord have Mercy upon us, for certainly there cannot be a greater Pla [...]ge.

As for the outward Structure, an English Cow house hath more Architecture far; nay, my Lord Mayor's Dog-kennel is a Palace compared to them: and for sweetness, I have heard many affirm, that the soulest Corner about the Bear-garden is Musk and Amber to their sweetest Rooms.

The Walls are made of meer Mud, mixed with a little wet Straw, the Covering is Thatch; the Floor Earth; which, by reason of the constant Rains, is generally so damp, that they may be said to live over a Bog; and the Thatch so ill thrashed, that (by the sprouting of the left Corn, which often springs up green) it may be added, they live under a Meadow; or (as a Person of Honour said of the like place, to which he most aptly compared the Long, long Parliament) they have green Ears over their Heads, and a false Ground under their Feet.

The Beds are upon such a firm Foundation, that nothing but an Earthquake can move them; Instead of Feathers or Flocks, they use Rushes or Straw, which serves them without changing, till cast Horse-litter is a fragrant Nosegay to it, and Iacob's sweet Lodging on the fresh Grass, compared to it, is like the Pleasure of the Mar­riage-Bed.

Sheets they never provide, and to tell the naked Truth, unless they can purchase a poor Cadow, which is not often, they ligg together like Adam and Eve before the Fall, not a Rag to cover them, but themselves: Which may be one reason why they so multiply; for being necessitated to keep together for warmth, they in­gender as thick as Fly-blows, each little Hutt being as full of Children, as a Conney-Burrough in a well stock'd Warren is of Rabbits.

They seldom have any Partitions or several Rooms, but sleep in common with their Swine and Poultrey: and for second or third Story you may look long enough e're you find any. Windows would discover their Poverty and Sluttery too much, and a Chimney is reckoned as superfluous as a Steeple at a new sangled Conventicle: The Door which perhaps is as irregular and multiform as a new made breach in a Wall, serving both to let in the Light, and let out the Smoak; so that you may guess their Abodes are pleasant and airy as a Dungeon, and unless they be compared to one another, each of them may very properly be called None-such.

Their Women generally are very little beholding to Nature for their Beauty, and less to Art: one may safely Swear they use no Painting, or such like auxiliary aids of Fucuses, being so averse to that kind of Curiosity, (tho' they have as much need thereof as any I ever yet beheld) that one would think they never had their faces wash'd but at their Baptism. To whom the perpetual Smoak within Doors, and want of a Bon-grace without, does add such a tincture of Complexion, that a Ploughman's Sun-burnt hand, or a Seaman's weather-beaten face, is Snow and Cream to it: So that one need not fear much temptation, they being, indeed, meer Scare-Crows, and their Phisiognomies such a defence, such a spell for their Plackets, such a refrigeratory 'against the flames of Lust, that in the Day-light they are secure from any violent attempt upon their Chastity, though in the Night they may pass Muster, and the push of Pike, when Ioan is as good as my Lady.

Their Bodies are of a tolerable proportion, and to be born withal, but then are they mounted on such mishapen Trussels or Supporters, that whenever any Man desires to try the Pleasure of their Embraces, he will be sure (as a witty Gentleman observed) to lay their Legs aside. Their Breasts are excepted against by some, for being of the same size with their Buttocks: and their Hands are so tann'd lea­ther'd, that Gloves were but thrown away upon them.

[Page 6] Amorous they are as Doves, but not altogether so chast as Turtles, desiring as much to be billing, and very frequently bringing forth Twins, as the others hatch young ones by Pairs. There needs no great Ceremony or Courtship, for if they yield not at first Summons upon Composition, a slight attack wins the Fortress, and one may soon enter. These old Texts being Orthodox amongst them, Touch and take, Laugh and lye down, Vp and ride, and so to the end of the Chapter.

On a design of Marriage they are not scrupulous or cautious, and so far from sel­ling a Pig in a Poke, that it is not unusual for the Man to mount the Beast, before he binds the Bargain; so that 'tis no strange thing amongst them, to make a Maid a Whore first, and then to make that Whore his Wife afterwards; like a Sloven that first makes a Close-stool of his own Hat, and then claps it upon his own Head. Thus rather than want Horns, they will have some of their own graffing, antidating themselves Cuckolds; and having taught their Wives this Lesson so early, who can wonder if they practise it afterwards; a new Cask still retains a touch of its first Seasoning, and when once such young Colts find the Gap of Liberty set open, they will frisk out of the Bounds of all Modesty, and never leave running till they have brought their Husbands to Cuckolds-Point.

The Men are notorious Thieves, and very Skilful at Leger de main, for which Trade, both Nature and Fortune seem to have fitted them; For as they are miserably Poor, so they are more Impudent than a Court-Page, or an Italian Curtezan, and have made it a common Practice to enter into any House without the Civility of craving leave, or knocking at the Door; and being once in, they have no creak­ing Shoes to betray them, but either they wear Broags, a kind of thin Pumps, or else make so bold with Nature as to use their bare feet: If they spy any portable Prize, their Hands are like Lime-twigs, and the Prey shall hardly escape them; nor are they ever unprovided of a Cloak or Mantle (large as a Iesuite's Conscience) to spread over their Knavery; And lastly, for Agility and swiftness of retreat, they may compare with Mercury himself, being ever in a running Posture, and always setting the best foot foremost.

Surely, of all People they are the least troubled with Corns upon their Toes, they walk so soundly; but amongst a thousand of their Hands, I do not think one Finger could be pickt out that were not tainted with an Itch after unlawful Gain, or infected with a Felony, for so much sweetness do they fancy in the relish of Stolen-Goods, that they have little gusto for any other.

It is an usual Saying, That a good Face needs no Band, and a bad one deserves none; which may be a reason why these are so ill accoutred and negligent in their Apparel; tho' if the extreme Poverty of the generality be consider'd (which yet proceeds from their own sloath, their Condition being much like Iob's upon the Dunghil) we shall find more cause to pity, than wonder at them. Once a Year, perhaps, their Stock may swell to the purchase of a frieze Garment of a brace of Two-pences the bundle; higher it can hardly reach, whatever their Ambition prompt them to: a coarse out-side, indeed, yet most think it suteable enough to the lining with­in, for a Loam Wall deserves but a mean Hanging.

The Females have a Head Attire, which they call Kerchers: among the better Sort it is made of Linnen, but seldom so white as a Dutch-man's Sail: whilst the common Trull's cannot possibly be any thing, but an old Rag turned out of other Service, or the flappet of a Month-worn Smock reprieved from the Wash-bowl; and yet, as one said of the like Sluttery, the poor remnant looks as briskly as if it were promised for the next whole quarter to escape many a scowring.

Flesh-bags they may, some of them, have for the Day, but at Night they ever uncase themselves and ligg in the woollen, if their Wits can gather enough to cover them, otherwise they nustle together in Litter with the Sow and Pigs, being all of a Family: But their Smocks cannot properly be called Changes, for they seldom allow themselves more than one, till that be worn out, which is used till it be fit to be torn off their Backs for touch to light Tobacco as they sit in the Fields, as I have seen them do. Thus the Smock is at last turned into Smoak, having first struck fire in the Devil's Tinder-box the Tobacco Pipe, which one wittily compares to the Passion of Love, thus:

[Page 7]Their Petticoats, if any, are of as many several Colours as a Tailor's fundamen­tal Cushion; to which the Wastcoat is the fittest match that can be, and cross their Shoulders a Linnen shroud of the same hue of a Winding sheet after some Years burial. Shoes are above their Price, neither are Broags a Purchase for every one; No, they stand more upon their Feet than so, and for Stockings they have a very cheap and durable Mode, one Pair lasting their whole Pilgrimage, and those no other than Nature's knitting, which sit close, and so tight, it saves the labour of Gart'ring; having no great fault, but their too much Calf.

Complements are as seldom used among them, as the Common Prayers among the Non-Cons; you might as soon teach an Elephant to cut a Caper, as bring one of them to make a handsome Leg: Such Block-heads have they, that 'tis a trouble to them to pull off their Hats; which done, shall be seconded with a Speech containing less sense and reason than that of Balaam's Ass; and to be sure must either be usher'd in, or out, with a By Chreesht and St. Patrick, or an Elegant-Curse, or two: But for this Nonsense perhaps their Nurses are to be condemn'd, who (especially in Vlster) when they suckle their young Babes, if they chance to have a Cold in their Heads, seldom or never wipe their Noses, but suck them with their Mouths so hard, that, as one observed, 'tis very probable that they suck out all their Brains, and leave them for ever after empty Skull'd. I wonder, said one, to an Irishman, that being Thirty Years of Age, and having travel'd through the best Part of the World, you should be so great a Fool still. That's no wonder, replies another; but the greater wonder is, that there should be a whole Kingdom of such Fools.

Shirts are no less out of date among the Teagues than Surplices among the Dissenters; so that one may guess what poor shift they make to keep their Bodies sweet: and may not this be one reason why they so much dread to hear one break wind at the Postern? The intolerable fustiness that must needs lye lurking in their unlined Breeches, adding a stench beyond the Devil's Pomander: Otherwise they do not ap­pear so over-nice and curious, nor would they contradict the Proverb, That Every Man's Tayl smells sweet in his own Nose: Neither would they let fly so often above-board, for they will belch as loud as Pot-guns, and as often as a Lover in absence breathes his amorous Sighs: But add to the rest the straitness of their Breeches, called Trowsers, which sit as close as a Jealous Wife to her Husband's Tayl, and you need not wonder at their backward Modesty.

Some count them naturally hospitable, but if they are so, it is after such an ill-favour'd manner, that 'tis like the giving an Alms in a nasty Clout, which Ne­cessity may make welcome, but the greatest Charity cannot account Decent.

Bonny-Clabber and Mulahaan, alias Sower Milk, and Choak-Cheese, with a Dish of Potatoes boiled, is their general Entertainment, to which add an Oat cake, and it compleats their Bill of Fare, unless they intend to shew their excessive Prodiga­lity, and tempt your Appetite with a Dozen of Eggs extraordinary, which many times, instead of being new-laid, prove like over-ridden Wenches, either rotten, or else having a young Chick in the belly of 'em. After this, comes Tobacco; which you must either take in Smoak, or Snuff, if you will be good Company, while they sit Chewing it with as much eagerness and desire, as the longing great-bellied Woman did bite at the fat Man's Breech. And for a close to all this Treat ( a la Grandezza) the Mistress shall produce her Moornaun of Sower Milk, and having stript up her sleeve to the Shoulder, she thrusts up to the Arm-pits, and stirring the Curds at the bottom with her Hands, she then presents you with the Liquor, and if you like it, you may fill your Belly with her Kindness till you are satisfied.

I have heard it affirmed also, by knowing Persons in this Country, that in some Parts of it, they have a way of making a Soupe, beyond all the French Pot­tages in Vogue; the way is thus, A Dame of the better sort, having had the good Fortune to boil a piece of very fat Pork, till a great part of it is run into an Oil swimming on the top, she strips of her Smock, dips it therein till it has soaked up all the Grease; then puts it on her Body, and so wears it some days to smoothen her Skin, and supple her Ioints; now if afterwards there be occasion, and no store of other Provision about the Cabban, off comes this anointed Garment again, which being boiled in clear Water, and a little Oatmeal, and a small Faggot of Herbs; the melted Fat, and those other Ingredients will be converted into a most savoury Mess of Irish-Smock broath, and then 'tis done in a Dish.

[Page 8]But let me not forget their Butter, made up with so much Filth and Hair, it looks like the Lime we prepare to Plaister our Walls withal, which being beaten up into as rude a shape as a Spanish Piece of Eight, if eaten without Sindging, or not melted and strained, you shall run as great hazard, as one that would swallow the Burr of an over-grown Artichoke without Butter, or a pickled Rope without Sauce: Hence one may easily guess the difference betwixt this and the Dutch But­ter-box, the one cutting like Spanish Marmalad, the other like untried Kitchin-stuff, and having as rank an odour as a Carriers Summer trotters. If they had the Wit to put the Hair in one Dish, and the Butter in another apart, it might be in a Man's Choice to take or leave as he pleased; but they are so order'd, you must eat both at once.

And that their Bread may be suitable to their Butter, and so stick the closer to­gether, the Women grind their Corn on a Stone placed betwixt their naked Thighs upon the Ground (in the very same posture as they Churn their Cream). Their Mills having this Advantage over others, that they are equally supplied both with Wind and Water at the same instant.

Drinking is not so much their Vice, as some of their Neighbouring Nations, unless their so excessive Smoaking be reckoned in, to which both the Men and Wo­men are so generally addicted; yea, the very Children too, that an Infant of their breeding, shall take more delight in handling a Tobacco-Pipe than a Rattle, and will sooner learn to make use of it, than another shall of its Sucking-bottle. Sure­ly, this Indian Weed is a very Witch, and they have this resemblance, that both of them are very nasty and ugly.

It is an Irish Observation ( and a notable one too) that whenever two Armies meet in Battle, the one must run, for both cannot conquer, and since one must give way, why not at the beginning before much Bloodshed, rather than after too many lives are lost; and since one of them must, or generally does run, who fitter to run than they whom Nature has provided with better Legs to run, than Hands or Hearts to sight; therefore they do commonly run, and run betimes, lest some Wound in their Legs should hinder their nimble Retreat: This made an old experienc'd Of­ficer (who knew the way of the Reasoning of these Brutes) cause some Regiments of Dragoons to march on foot up towards their more numerous Army, with Boots on, whom when the Irish beheld, they straight-way concluded that those English Men being booted, would not, or could not run; and since one Party must go off at last, it must needs be themselves, and therefore they discreetly ran all away immediately.

A Stiff-necked Generation they cannot be called, they lay them down so readily to every Yoke, as if they were born to Servitude, and so we find them inclined to have been indifferently under their own Country-men, or under their old Friends the Spaniards in former Times, and their new Friends the French lately, if the English had not prevented it. Therefore are they the less to be pitied, because by them there is no greater Liberty expected, or much desired and struggled for by them.

Their Language seems to be very ancient indeed, being almost worn quite out of Date, scarce known in any other Country, and not generally used in their own: To a Foreigner it sounds so unpleasant, that it rather grates than tickles the Ear, and seems fitter to conjure than converse in. Withal, they use such a whining tone, and speak so precipitately, that considering their Garb and Po­sture, you would think they had been newly stript of their little All; and were now hastily and earnestly craving your Relief and Charity, for a fresh Supply.

Nor are they more Grave or Demure in their Pace; but frisk it about the Streets so Post-horse like, as if a Bailiff pursued them, or some fiercer Devil drove them.

Yet at their Work they are on the other hand, so slow and deliberate (Digging, Ploughing, Thrashing, &c. with their Cloaks upon their Backs, and wasting so much of their time in Smoaking and Prating) that it is usual to hire Four of these Lubbers to dispatch the same daily Proportion of Work, as is performed by one Industrious English-hind; which would be very chargeable, did they not humbly submit to accept of much lesser Wages, which they take good care not to over-earn, lest they should surfeit themselves, or wear out their precious Limbs too [Page 9] soon; and either want more Business, or the Strength to go thorow with it next day.

Some Historians do speak them to be very tender and careful of their Young ones; but wherein that tenderness consists, is not readily to be found out. For their Food is not in the least degree better than they allow their Pigs, Bonny-rowre for the Summer, and Potato-roots in the Winter are their choicest Dainties: And then for their Cloathing, it is yet courser; of a whole Child the third part is scarce cover'd with Woollen; nor so much Linnen to be seen among a whole Tribe, as would make a Quaker's falling-band, or furnish an ordinary Box with Tinder, they being for the most part as naked as a young Ladies Neck in Dog-days, or the Bird in the Fable, stript of its borrowed Plumes; so that unless their Apish hugging them in their Arms, or carrying them on their Backs can make it out, I cannot.

But however careless they be of the Living, they are mightily concerned for the Dead, having a Custom, (which sure they borrowed from the Egyptians) of howling when they carry any one to Burial, and screaming over the Graves, not like other Christians, but like People without Hope; and sooner than this shall be omitted, they do hire a whole Herd of these Crocadiles to accompany the Corps, who with their counterfeit Tears and Sighs, and confused Clamour and Noise, do seem heartily to bemoan the departed Friend, though all this is with no more concern and reality, than an Actor on the Stage for the frighted Death of his Dearest in a Tragedy.

One Privilege, indeed, they have to boast of above most other Countries; which is, that they are free from Venomous Creatures (as England is from Ra­venous) which we may believe to be a Natural Antipathy, like that of the Islands Cyprus and Guernzey; Tho' they will needs attribute it to their Miracle-monger St. Patrick, who (as their Tradition goes) did one day summon them all together on the tod of an high and large Hill, called Cruich Phadrick, or St. Patrick's Mount; where having by irrisistible Conjuration assembled them, he, by his powerful Invocation called for Fire from Heaven, which came down, and consumed them: To which part of the Legend, some have added, That the great Croud of Irish Witnesses whom the good Saint had brought with him to see this Fear, and bear Testimony of it, finding he had so good interest and familiarity with God Almighty to obtain what he but asked for, desired him forthwith to make a second Petition, That Heaven would send down a plenti­ful Shower of Gold and Silver to Cure them of their Poverty, and make them as Opulent as the richest Nations: But he angerly replied, That God would work no Miracles to gratifie their Coveteousness; That he had already given them a large Country, which they were to Cultivate and Improve, and that their honest Labour would bring them in a sufficient Stock of Wealth, &c. and there­fore if they were not enough satisfied with this great Blessing so freely con­ferred, but continued to murmur, and tempt God too far, perhaps he might for their Unthankfulness and sordid Desires, turn it into a Curse again, to their perpetual Punishment. But they still importuning him, he at last made a se­cond Essay, not Petitioning for Gold or Silver, but that God would send down what he knew to be fittest for that Generation. Which Word he no sooner had pronounced, but there arose a great and furious Whirlwind, which blew and dispersed the Ashes of those Poisonous Creatures over all the whole Coun­try; and the same being forthwith converted all into Lice, they have for ever since continued a most Nasty and Lowzy Generation, and could never find a Cure, or remove this Epidemical, Egyptian Bosom-plague, so close it yet sticks to them.

A most excellent Country it is for a young Traveller to be first seasoned in, for let him but once taste of their Entertainment and Usage, and I dare under­take he shall love all the rest of the World much better ever after (except Scot­land.)

A certain Portion of the County of Galloway is very well worth Observation; for in a Considerable extent thereof, Nature affords 'em neither Water enough to Drown 'em, Wood enough to Hang 'em, nor Earth enough to Bury 'em; yet 'tis very well Inhabited: Now what sort of Creatures, unless a Race of [Page 10] Spanish Gennets, that are said to engender by the Wind, or a brood of Ca­meleons that seed upon Air, can subsist where three of the most necessary Ele­ments are so scarce, I leave Oedipus to judge.

It is reported of the Germans, and some other War-like People, that when they come within sight and hearing of the Enemy, being drawn up in Battalia, and almost ready to Engage, they draw out their broad Sword, and each with a Whet-stone, they carry for that purpose, falls to work to set a keen Edge on his Weapon, with so much eagerness and noise, that it begets no little terrour in the listening Foe, and Proclaims with what undaunted Resolution they prepare to Assault them. Whereas the Teagues do only gaze about to see what Wood or Bog lies nearest, and can best shelter or favour them in their Re­treat, or, perhaps by greazing their Broags, or anointing their Joints, make ready for a more speedy Flight; then throwing down their Arms, and trusting solely to their Legs, dare not so much as once look back, but leave the Devil to take the hindmost.

Ask many of them, What was the Name of the blessed Virgin Mary, and 'tis ten to one, but they'll answer, it was Iane, or Susan, and that St. Patrick was her Godfather; and to any the like Questions, they will furnish you with the like Answer, &c. So that if Ignorance be the true Mother of Devotion, the City of Rome it self cannot produce such devout Catholicks as these Teagues; and there­fore it's pitty but they should be transplanted into the Territories of the Holy Church, as being the most submissive Members thereof.

But here is enough of the midling sort of People; I shall therefore proceed to give him the Prospect of a Place in which he has all the Reason in the World to expect a more agreeable Sight, tho' perhaps he may find the resemblance of what he has already seen in it.