The Three Merry VVIVES OF Green-Goose Fair: VVith them for Mirth None can Compare.
OR, A Pleasant discourse of three Merry-Cummers.
Being full of delight and pleasant wit, The merriest Book that ever was writ.
Printed in the Year, 1694
The Preface.
IN the dayes of old, when men were little boyes,
And pretty Maids delighted in fine toyes;
About that time, in the dayes of yore,
I pen'd this story never pen'd before.
Fetcht from the satchell of Antiquitie,
Blame me not if I chance to tell a lie;
For 'tis so old, that I that pen'd the same,
Can hardly tell from whence the story came.
Some say in the bottom of the sea 'twas found,
A fortnight since my Gransires Mare was drown'd:
Some say it was in the belly of a fish,
Found on a fasting day, in a Friers dish.
And in the sweet bag of a Humble Bee,
And so my Authors cannot well agree;
But 'tis not so, for in a cup of Wine,
I found it scattered by the Muses nine.
And after cast into Parnassus Well,
But how it was hookt up, I cannot tell:
Nevertheless there's many a silly elfe,
Doe think that I invented this my self.
Well, let them think their pleasure. I'le proceed,
But have a care and laugh not when you read;
For fear you strain your eyes, and they run o're,
So being blind you never read it more.
The three merry Wives OF Green-Goose Fair.
I Know not when, but three blyth wives there were
That took their journey into Green-Goose fair
One had unto her husband a Shoemaker,
She lov'd the Brewer better then the Baker
Another had a Corn-cutter, O strange!
An active fellow known at the Exchange;
A Carvers Wife the other woman was,
A verie merrie, lustie, bonnie lass.
These three to Green-Goose fair, did take their way;
Onlie to be merrie as some say:
Walking along they found a Diamond Ring,
Pleasure with profit is a gallant thing
All saw it at one time, but she that did,
Take the Ring up, did seem for to forbid;
The other two to claim their shares in it,
Covetousness had taught her so much wit.
The other two had vow'd to have their shares▪
In this same Ring, or fall about her ears;
When she saw them so hot, she told them this,
To have the Ring divided 'twas amiss
Quoth she, before the Ring shall be divided,
I had rather yeild the cause shall be decided▪
By the next man they meet, they were content,
So onward of their journey then they went.
The next man that they met, was a chaste Frier,
[Page 4]Onelie he burn'd a little in desire:
In fiery zeal tovvards a holy sister,
And vvhensoever he met he kindlie kist her.
Creept from the Cloister leaving his Devotion,
All that he novv did seek vvas for Promotion;
He sought to be admitted vvillinglie,
A grave Confession of a Nunnerie.
But O! it could not be and vvhat of that?
He vvent vvithout a morsell for his Cat:
But since he mist his Opportunity,
He vvalks abroad to fish for other fry,
Meeting with these three women by the way,
He was the first did act the Comick Play;
Well met faire woman, quoth the Fryer then,
Good morrow, quoth the women, honest man,
O how the women wronged him! fie for shame,
To call him honest man was not his name;
He thought they jeared him, and began to smile,
Yet he was very patient all that while.
Good Master Fryer, quoth the Carvers wife,
Do justice now, and save a womans life;
You must be Umpire Sir, in this our cause,
O seek to save me from those Tygers clawes.
I found a Diamond Ring, and these two Sluts,
Have sworn, and vow'd that the'l rip up my guts:
Unlesse they have shares in this same Ring,
Now I have told my tale, judge of the thing.
The Frier understanding of the matter,
Did cheat the one, and with the other flatter;
But yet he found that he small good could do,
For he in pleasing one displeased two.
He to the Carvers wife bore some good will,
The Ring she had, he bad her keep it still:
'Twas musick in her eares, but presently,
[Page 5]It prov'd a discord in the Harmony.
The other women stamp, curse and swears,
As loud as thunder in the Friers eares;
And calls him balde-pate, sillie Coxcomb vain,
That was so partiall in a cause so plain.
The Frier half afraid, but would not shew,
His fear to them for fear that they should grow
More cholerick, but speakes them
[...]verie fair,
As being loath to lose such dainty ware:
Blaming himself that was so rude and dull.
As not to satisfie them to the full;
Withall he kindly promis'd that rude rout,
That he would bring the business so about.
To tell them, and it should be plain exprest,
Which of them did deserve the Ring the best:
They were content, why then quoth he 'tis so,
That I must lie with every one of you
At severall times, appoint the time and place,
And I will finish them all in little space;
The woman then that puts me in most fear,
Doth best deserve the Ring away to bear.
And be not doubtfull what will follow, after,
With that they all burst forth into a laughter:
Nevertheless they being covetous,
Were all contented that it should be thus.
Whispering together then a little space;
Shall we, quoth they, yeeld for to be so base
Well if we do ly with this balde-pate
Sim,
We'l keep our honestie and punish him.
Women look to the thing ye have in hand,
The bargan is made, the Frier will make it stand:
A Frier is a dangerous knave at put,
Then have a care and keep the wicked shut.
O you have need be wise and look about you,
[Page 6]For you have lust within, and knives without you;
But now there rose a new combustion great,
The Frier he had us'd a strong deceit
To wheel them in, and greatlie they complain'd,
Musing how they should keep themselves unstain'd;
But yet the Ring although of value small,
Makes them adventure honestie and all.
Ere they would lose it they would lose their lives,
So they must needs go whom the Devil drives:
But there they held a counsell in the field,
Yet never a woman was there that would yeeld▪
To be the first should lye with Frier
Sim,
Untill at length they took advice of him;
For to draw lots, this counsel pleas'd them all,
On the shoe-makers Wife the lot did fall.
She blushing like the Damask Rose in June,
Sayes Frier if it must be, come thou soon:
But yet not so, the morning is the best,
I'le pause upon it when I take my rest.
My husband he goes forth to morrow morn,
But 'tis not thou shall make him wear the horn;
When he is gone, then at the window knock,
I'le open door though I be in my smock,
And let thee in, and kick thee out again,
After that thou hast laboured long in vain:
And put thee in such fear, that thou wouldst give,
A Kingdom if thou hadst it, but to live.
Remember then thy words think on this thing,
He that doth fear thee most shall have the Ring;
Spare me not woman, quoth the Frier then,
They that do fear a woman are no men
And so they part and take their leave of
Sim,
Ploting new projects how to punish him:
The Carvers wife, a subtile Wench was she,
[Page 7]Said Gossips if you will be rul'd by me.
Weel put the Frier into such grievous flights,
He'd better be with Goblins, Hags and Sprights;
Weel hide somethings our husbands bear about,
Some tooles we know they cannot be without,
And we shall then be sure that they'l come back,
When they are forth to fetch them tools they lack:
And then the Frier when he is in Bed,
Will think no less, but he should lose his head.
But lets be sure to hide the Rogue away,
Lest we and our husbands have a frey;
In the mean time, our husbands being there,
She that shall put the Frier in most fear▪
By my consent shall bear away the Ring,
The other two were pleased with this thing:
And after they at Green-Goose Fair had been▪
Their hearts being set upon a merrie pin.
They friendlie part, your patience let me borrow,
And you shall know what hapned on the morrow,
How the Frier went to the Shoemakers Wife, and what hapened.
THat night the lustie Frier could not sleep,
But earlie in the morning up did creep;
And did as he was counselled before,
Stand opposite against the womans door.
Waiting when her husband forth did goe,
Which was not long if you the truth would know:
No sooner he was gone, but brazen face,
More bold then welcome, 'gins to knock apace
The woman opens when she heard him knock,
Leaps from her bed and meets him in her smock:
To bed they went, the Frier began to play,
[Page 8]As thinking he was sure of his prey
Now Frier, quo
[...]h the woman, what's your will;
But as you love your life sir lie you still,
Stir not a hand, nor yet a finger move,
But let us first discourse a while of love.
Frier you can resolve me I do know,
Whether the thing be lawfull yea or no?
Then he begins to tell her stories rare,
And seems to build Castles in the Air.
Frier quoth she, pray let your hands lie still,
I am forbidden fruit, talke what you will;
As weak a Schollar as I am, I know,
The heaven is high, the place you seek is low.
And so she held him still in talke untill,
Her husband came to keep the Frier from hell:
For she it seems her husbands tools had hid,
To cause him to come home all this she did.
Frier quoth she, my husband knocks, he's come,
Now for the Ring, Frier beware you bumm;
O whither shall I run the Frier cryes?
He looking round about, a chest he spies.
In which he creeps, and she imprisons him,
And keeps the keyes to keep in Frier
Sim:
Then for her husband openeth the door,
The Frier was never in such a case before.
To bed the woman goes, husband quoth she,
What come you home for, for my tools quoth he;
Quoth she, they ly underneath the bed.
Since you went forth I have been almost dead,
O husband verie sick, I pray you give me,
A little
Aquavitae to relieve me:
The bottle is in the Chest. O it is there,
The Frier he began to stink for fear,
Where are the keyes wife? quoth the loving man,
[Page 9]Quoth she alas I know not by Saint
Ann;
But if you were as sick as I, I swear,
I could not have the patience to forbear.
But break the Chest, and not for keyes so look,
With that the man a bar of iron took:
Laid on the Chest as if he had been mad,
Which made the woman smile, the Frier sad.
The poor distressed Frier that sillie elfe,
For verie fear did so bepisse himself;
That it run through the Chest about the flour,
All o're the room even to the verie door.
O hold your hands, quoth the woman then,
I think you are the unhappiest of all men:
For I protest and swear by
Aristotle,
That you have broke my
Aquavitae bottle.
Husband be gone, and be not you perplext,
I love you nere the worse, though I am vext;
With that he gave her kindlie kisses two,
Took up his tools and bid his wife adue,
But O how glade was
Sim, when as he heard,
The Shoemaker was gone, whom he so feard:
Then with a hollow fainting voice he spoke,
Mistris, I say your bottle is not broke.
But overcharg'd with liquor, lack of air,
And forced forth by thundring claps and fear;
Open your Chest and take your bottle out,
Behold the
Aquavitae runs about.
If there be anie Purgatorie sure,
This is the place where torments I endure:
God and Saint
Francis help me for I am spent,
I have endured sufficient punishment.
The woman heard him make such pitteous moan,
She let him out and wisht him to be gone;
And Frier do not you forget this thing,
[Page 10]She that doth fear you most, must have the Ring:
The Frier discontented went away.
And to the Corn-cutters wife he went next day.
How the Frier went to the Corncutters Wife, and what happened.
ONe storm is past & though the sk
[...] be clear,
Another tempest follows verie near:
The burned child they say doth dread the fire
But so much wit had not the senceless Frier.
For he to get between a womans armes,
Would adventure through a thousand harmes;
Go's to the Corn-cutters wife, & there he stands
Against the door rubbing of his hands;
The man goes forth which makes the Frier glade,
He knocks at door as if he had been mad:
The woman she was loath her self to venter,
At length she opens and the Frier doth enter.
Me thinks quoth she I should not goe to bed,
But with the man that had my maiden-head;
Sweet Mistris quoth the Frier yeeld consent,
Change of delights breeds women most content,
The woman went to bed with him, but yet
She had more grace then the Frier had wit:
For she like to a kind and loyall wife,
Before the Friers face did draw her knife.
And laid it in the bed between them two,
A sign that to her husband she was true;
And ever and anon this was her note,
Frier lie still or else I will cut thy throat.
O Mistris, quoth the Frier, by my cool,
Venter thy bodie, I'le venter my Soul:
'Tis but a veniall crime loves fruit to steal,
Keep your own counsell, I will ne're reveal.
[Page 11]The lustfull Frier no longer could forbear,
Begins to stir, the woman begins to swear;
And quicklie she had gotten up her knife,
Her Husband came to save the Friers life.
Hark Frier quoth the woman my husband knocks,
Fit punishment for such dunghill cocks:
Alas quoth the Frier what shall betide me,
Good Mistris use your skill now for to hide me.
She with the bed-cloaths covered Frier
Sim,
Then runs to her husband lets him in;
The Corn-cutter told his loving Wife,
That he came home for his Corn cutting knife.
The woman told her husband she knew that,
But the poor Frier that lack'd a bit for's cat:
Durst not stir hand nor foot, nor hardlie breath,
But to Saint
Francis did his life bequeath,
His throbing heart with fear was almost broken,
His life he would have given for a token;
Husband quoth she, I'le go to bed again,
I am not verie well, I tell thee plain.
To bed she goes to hide the Friers disgrace,
And with the blanket covereth his face:
Wife quoth the man, farewell I cannot stay,
Husband quoth she, before you go away.
Pray will you cut my corn it pains me so,
That I can verie hardlie stand or go;
I heard you say a moneth ago, sweet wife,
You never had a corn in all your life.
A corn quoth she may grow within a sennet,
And a mans horn quoth he, within a minute:
He that shall seek indeed to wrong you so,
Shall dearlie pay for it before he go
What shall become of me then, quoth the Frier,
This spark I fear will turn into a fire;
[Page 12]Now one thing must be understood by all,
The Frier being in bed lay next the wall.
Wife quoth the man, lets see your corn, come
Peg,
With that she took the Frier by the leg,
And pulld it o're her, like a craftie slut,
Husband, quoth she, here is a corn to cut:
She wiselie handled the matter so,
That he saw nothing but the Friers toe,
Thinking it was his wifes that craftie elfe,
Now for the Ring, Frier beware of thy self:
Wife, quoth the man, here is no corn, here's none,
Husband, quoth she it lyeth near the bone;
Cut deeper man, what do you mean, cut nigher,
Suppose ye were a gelding of a Frier,
Should goe about to make you wear the horn,
As you would deal with him deal with this corn:
I feel it not, cut deeper good
Iohn Goff,
I care not though you cut this toe quite off;
Although it bleed and it be very sore,
Cut off the toe, the corn will come no more;
With that the Frier pluckt her by the breech,
O husband hold your hand I you beseech.
For now I feel it, 'tis cut near the bone,
It is sufficient let it now alone:
The man perceiving it vvas cut so deep,
Thinking no less but that tvvas her did vveep.
And vvent about to salve the sore, but she,
Said husband no too pittifull you be,
Pox take it, and with that gave it a cuff,
I tell thee husband it is not deep enough;
The sillie man amazed then did grow,
To see her so hard hearted to her toe,
As he supposed, nothing be suspected:
But in spite of love, I greatlie fear,
[Page 13]If he had known the Frier had been so near,
His counting house, he surelie would have thought
For all his love to her she had been naught:
And therefore she did wiselie for to hide him,
Though otherwise her heart could not abide him;
His leave then of his wife the man did take,
Which made
Sims heart glade, which before did ake.
Frier quoth the woman, rise, and make report,
How well you like my honest new found sport:
Pox take you and your sport, the Frier said,
I ne're in all my life was so afraid;
I am so lame that I can hardlie goe,
Sure I shall lose the use of my great toe:
Frier quoth the woman 'tis the least of harmes,
To lose a toe between a vvomans armes.
The Carvers vvife see ye do not abuse,
Lest you a better joint then this do lose.
How the Frier went to the Carvers wife, and what happened.
THe Frier being tvvise repulst before,
Came off vvith shame, but vvould not yet give ore
Nor could the present loss of his great toe,
Daunt him so much but that he needs must go,
Unto the Carvers vvife: vvell so it vvas,
He the third time must prove himself an ass:
His present danger could not make him rue,
But since the Carver vvas abroad he knevv.
He boldlie entered the house vvith shame,
And thus salutes the honest minded Dame;
Mistris, quoth he, I did presume to knock,
As hoping for to find you in your smock.
As now I have my hopes accomplished,
The sooner I shall find you in your bed:
[Page 14]And being there a little time well spent,
I doubt not but to give you good content:
And go as willingly with me to bed,
As when you went to lose your maiden-head.
And stand not on delays, for why tis thus,
Delayes you know prove oft times dangerous;
You are the last that now must use your skill,
To win the ring after we have our fill.
Of sweet delights, he her so much did charme,
She gave him leave to take her by the arm:
And lift her to her bed, when he was laid,
He creept to bed to her, and thus he said;
You are the Carvers wife, come be not coy,
But give me leave to Carve you out a boy.
What though your husband be a workman good,
Those Creatures which he carves in stone and wood,
Are mooveless, sensless, thus much let me tell ye,
That I can carve a Creature on your bellie.
That shall outstrip them all, O do not scoffe me,
But be you pleas'd to make some triall of me▪
At length she gave the Frier a box on th'ear,
For creeping to her as it seems too near.
He grints, she gives him then another cuff.
And in my mind she serv'd him well enough▪
The chollerick Frier knew not what to say,
At last the Carver came to part the fray:
The Carver knocks the woman begins to start;
The Frier he was vexed to the heart;
Skips out of bed, and all about did run,
Where shall I hide my self, I am undone.
My husband knocks, Frier bestir your stumps,
Make haste I say, for he will make clubs trumps
Where shall I hide me quoth the Frier then,
I think I am the unhappiest of all men▪
[Page 15]Now Frier quoth the woman if you be wise,
And would be safe, then follow my advice;
Next room is full of Images most rare,
Of naked men and women past compare;
That you would almost swear they living were,
Strip you stark naked then and stand you there:
In middle of those Images there stand,
But do not stir a foot nor yet a hand.
Now Frier at the last you will agree,
To yeeld the ring to none but unto me;
And so she left him standing full of wo,
Just like an Image made of barley dough.
And lets her husband in, when in she came,
He did begin to question with his Dam
[...]:
Who had been there since, unto whom she said,
A Gentleman to have an Image made.
And I, quoth she, have made it verie neat,
And though I say it, livelie and compleat;
With that the Carver he began to smile,
Thinking that she had jested all the while,
Nay do not laugh. quoth she, for here it is,
Look on it now, and tell me what's amiss:
With that into the room she guided him,
Shewed him the Image of Frier
Sim.
Who stood among the Images as still,
As anie of the rest against his will;
Zounse, quoth the man, this is no Image Wife,
If ever I saw a man in all my life.
This is a living man, a Frier I think,
With that the Frier he began to stink:
The Carver went to take him by the hand,
The Frier so demurelie then did stand.
Thinking now surelie he should goe to wrack,
Had not the woman pul'd her husband back;
[Page 16]I pray you forbear quoth she, for by this light
It is new painted and you'l spoil it quite.
Hardlie could she perswade this man alas,
To believe otherwise then what it was;
And is it possible, quoth he, a woman,
Should make so neat and rare a thing that no man
That ever saw it, but would say, nay swear,
But that it was alive, it is so rare;
Let me but touch it sure it is alive,
Husband, you shall not as I hope to thrive;
I pray forbear, one touch will quite deface it,
I would not for a crown you should disgrace it;
But if you see a fault, mend it I pray,
Look well upon it ere you go away.
Nay wife there is no fault, thou dost excell,
Except there be a fault in doing well:
Husband I see your Judgement is not good,
If that the thing be rightlie understood.
Your weakness now no longer will I smother,
One of his stones is bigger then the other,
And must be par'd away, or I protest,
The sight of that will quite disgrace the rest:
Go borrow me a toole, for ours are all,
Either too blunt, too big, or else too small;
The man to borrovv a toole vvent half a mile,
And she conveyed avvay the Frier the vvhile:
The Frier svvore by Saint
Hughs bones,
He'd rather lose his Life then lose his stones:
To her he yielded for to give the Ring,
That put him in most fear about this thing;
That vvomen are so honest, is this true?
Think vvhat you vvill, say nothing, so adue▪
FINIS,