COme Wil. unstring, and pay your Groat, for I am confident thou wast fuddl'd last night, thou look'st so thin and small-beerish this morning.

Fuddl'd quoth'a, I would that were the worst on't Ned, for then a Nap might do ones business, and set a body to rights again; But I tell thee my Head's broke, my Brains are split, I am distracted, and my senses are all turn'd wrong side outwards; and all this with the dreadful Image and Reflection of yesternights talk.

What, I warrant you drank Brandy last night, with the two Gentlemen that 'lighted at Bess's just as I went away.

That's all nothing; But the talk, the talk that I had with them was enough to have made all the wise men of Greece stark mad. I did but only dream of it in the night, (which you know I could not help) and me­thought the Devil had like to have taken me napping, and carried me sheer away.

Prithee, honest Wil. what could that be?

Hold a blow there Mr. Edward; for, to tell you the truth, the Gen­tlemen have sworn me to secrecy, and I would have you know I scorn to for­swear my self.

Pish, man, art thou no forwarder in the knowledge of this pre­sent world, than to talk of forswearing thy self? That's no sin sure; or at least, every body does not believe it is.

By my troth thou talk'st so like one of their Disciples, that, if thou wilt swear secrecy to me again, I'le e'en tell thee all our Conversation; for in good earnest it lies so heavy upon my stomack, that I would give all the world to be eas'd on't.

I swear then (look this way) by all that's contain'd in the round world, and twenty thousand miles beyond it, That I'le be as se­creat as a deed of darkness; except I should chance to light o' some body that will swear secrecy to me again, and to such a one you know I may tell it, let it be what it will under TREASON.

Very good; I see how it will be; The Gentlemen they have told me something under and Oath of secrecy; I shall tell it thee upon the same terms; thou shalt tell it a third; that third shall tell it to three thousand, and so on to the end of the Chapter, till every body know it, through every bo­dies Perjury.

Alass, alass! Wil. if Perjury be a sin, how many men do you and I know, (and some of very good fashion too) that will smoak for't in the Devils Kitchin. But prithee be sudden, and tell me what is this mighty secret?

Why I'le tell thee then; That Fellow which thou saw'st there in the Velvet-Cap, that look'd so like my Landlord, is a Swearing-Master, and that other tall lean Janizary with the Whiskers that was with him, is his Usher, and they are come down into our Country here to set up a Swearing-School.

A Swearing-School saist thou? And what dost thou think Justice Brushum (God bless his Worship) will say to that? ha?

Away you Fool, thou dost not understand right. All the Scholars at their admission must swear secrecy, and then there's no danger. But if any leaky Fellow (like thee or me) should chance to discover all, the Master has a beyond-sea-Patent to shew for't, from—let me see— Sancha Pancha I think they call the place; and he has a Friend of a certain Doctorhere in England, Dr. Case I think his Name is, and a whole Grand-Jury of a mattet of nineteen good men and true besides.

Hang 'em, they'l do no good on't here in the Country; they were better e'en go back again to London, and there they may fairly put out Printed-bills of their Mystery: But what do such clumsie Bum­kinly Fellows as thou are I care for swearing, except it be at the Ale­house, or at the Sizes? and then we can do it without the help of a Master.

Back again to London, saist thou? That will never do, for a trick that I heard them telling yesternight, till the next P—.

Sweet William, what trick was that?

Why, you must know, Ned, that as the transporting of Irish-Cattel spoil'd the Trade of England, and was voted a Nusance, so the transporting [Page 3]of Irish- Witnesses has been the very ruin and breaking of a great many Eng­lish Oath-breakers, who (poor Rogues) can scarce make own and own at years end, the Bogg-trotters do so under-sell them: But they said, they hop'd that the next P— would prefer a Bill against them, as well as that not long since did against their Cattel.

But prithee what would this Swearing-Master be at? When a Scholar has spent a great deal of Money and Pains in learning to Swear and Forswear, how shall he do, I say, (when he comes to understand his Trade perfectly) to set up for himself, and get a Livelihood by it?

Why to that he answers thus, and methinks very modestly, That, to say the Truth, indeed the Trade is not so good as it was when it came first up, by a great matter in the week; but that it is still such, that a good Husband may make an honest shift to live on't.

Ay, but I have heard that there are a great many of those poor Irish, and some of the English too, of that Profession, that have made said complaints of Poverty, that have been readier to Curse than Swear, and wish'd with all their hearts they had been bound to some other Trades.

Pish! Dost not thou hear all sorts of Trades-men crying out conti­nually of bad Times and dead Trading? That's all but a meer face and juggle to discourage other undertakers; But if there were nothing to be got by Evidencing, why should there be so much projecting and endeavouring to get into the imployment? Nay, I'le tell thee, (for a matter of three or four hundred good substantial What-d'ye-lacks that have shut up Shop within these three years) I can remember but one of these Fellows that has miscarried, (and they say 'twas his own fault too,) and that was one Fitz what-d'ye-call him; and he, poor Rogue, was hiss'd off the Stage I know not how, unpi­tied, and forsaken by every body alive, but his Wife and John Ketch.

Yes, I can tell thee of another; and that was our Country-man, that went to set up at Brussels: I have forgot his Name; but I remem­ber people said he was Nephew to the Quaker that went to Rome to con­vert the Pope.

Why prithee what of him?

He went to the Governour of the Spanish-Netherlands, you must know, with his mouth-full of a fine story of a Plot, a Design, an Intrigue, a Consult, and God knows what, of subverting the Government; but the Issue of his brain was so tender and delicate, that all the Plotters and Counter-plotters in England could never have kept it alive in that Air. Ill luck he had to be found out in it; and so was broken (as they say) upon the Wheel of Fortune.

I marry Sir, this comes of gadding abroad; had he staid, and made the best use of his Talent at home, he might (for ought I know) have been alive, and live-like at this day. But, poor shallow-brain'd Rascal, he never remember'd that all Plants do not grow in all Countries; And that, though they send us now and then a Cross-biter from beyond Sea, yet they'l be hang'd before they'l take any of ours. England, England is the only dear place for [Page 4]propagating of Lies, and Shams, and Plots, and Cheats; The Infidels of the Continent, I warrant you, they laugh smoothly at our Fears, and can make themselves sport enough to see us Islanders damn'd for having too much Faith.

But prithee Wil. tell me now, what wou'dst thou have a body do? Suppose now that Lazarello of Tormes and the Knight of the Ora­cle should take their Corpulent Oaths before Mr. Brushum, That seven Pilgrims in Buckram, with every one a brown Bill in his Pocket, knock'd thee (or say me) i'th' head yester-evening, about six a clock, (or say between six and seven, to be sure,) should either thou or I (think'st thou) be such wicked profligate Unbelievers, as to give no Credit to the Evi­dence, especially since in such Cases (as Gaffer Whisker the Constable tells us) they swear for the King? For my part I know what I think, and I know what I should think: But yet (you may imagine if you please) there are those in England, that would believe (just as they do the Go­spel) that what was sworn must needs be truth; That they were really (according to the Deposition or Narrative) kill'd at such or such a time; and that now, for all their walking, and talking, and drinking, and thinking, they are but meer Ghosts and Spectres, God bless us!

Well, now I'le tell thee in such a case what I would do; I would turn my back exactly to the Evidence, and looking 'em full in the faces over my left shoulder, I would tell 'em they ly'd in their throats; that they were Pimps, and Rogues, and had been brought up at the Swearing-School, though they were the best Tormes's and Oracles in the Nation.

Why at this rate, though every body be free to swear, you wou'd have every body free to believe as they pleas'd, would you not?

Ay that I wou'd in sober sadness; for in my mind 'tis as plain as the Nose upon a mans Face, that swearing Knaves make believing Fools, and that believing Fools make swearing Knaves; and God knows when we shall have an end of this Circle.

Now, Wil. methinks thou hast spoken gravely, and like a Phylosopher, and if we had a Pen and Ink here, I would subscribe what thou hast said; and there's an end.