1.

A Gamester having borrowed Ten Pounds, and lost it, sent for Ten more, by the same Token that he had borrowed the like Summ before; Nay, reply'd his Friend, unwilling to venture further; you come only by Wo [...]d of Mouth, and may deceive me: therefore tell him, unless I see the Token, I shall not send him a Farthing.

2.

A drunken Blade reeling out of a Ta­vern, and on his way home-ward, found his Head so light, that his Heels scorn­ing to carry it any farther, fairly trip­ped themselves up, and laid him in the Kennel, where he took a pleasant Nap; till the Watch-men coming their Rounds, found him a snoaring; and 'waking him, told him, he must Come before the Constable: Gad, tell the Consta­ble, you Puppies you, said he, that he had nothing to do with me, for I belong to the Scavenger.

3.

A Gentleman in a dark night had got a bit of Link of a Tavern-Drawer to light him home, it being so late, that the Link-Boys had left the Streets: but the Flame in a short time coming so near, that it almost made his Fingers suffer Martyrdom, he drew out his Sword, and stuck it on the Point of it; when coming by a Watch-House in that strange posture, the Constable called him before him, and demanded, why he walked the Streets in Terror at such a season, to Alarm and fright People with Fire and [Page 3]Sword; and began to read him a Le­cture of the great Mischiefs that had been done by those two mischievous In­struments: To which our Spark reply'd, as he staggered and tottered too and fro, Why, why, Mr. Constable, you are a very strange Man, to talk at this rate; what, won't you allow me a Save-all to my Link? This Conceit so pleased the Constable, that he sent a Watch-man to see him safe home.

4.

Sir Thomas Moor in King Henry the Eighth's time, was a Man of infinite Jests, who falling into that King's Dis­pleasure, and being to be Beheaded on Tower-Hill, said to one that gave him his Hand, I prithee, Good fellow lend me thy Hand to get upon the Scaffold, but as for my coming down I take no heed; and when the Executioner was about to strike the fatal Blow, Hold, Friend, said he, let me put my Beard on one side, for although you have Com­mission to cut off my Head, you have nothing to do to cut my Beard: for whatever has been pretended, that has [Page 4]committed no High-Treason, as being grown since I came into my Confine­ment.

5.

Sir Joceline Piercy, Brother to the Earl of Northumberland, in Queen Elizabeth's days, being an Airy Spark, and very Ingenious; observing a Country-wo­man had attended in the Lobby of the Council-Chamber several days, he de­manded her business; who told him, she had a Petition to deliver, in hopes of the Redress of a certain Grievance, and could get no body to deliver it for her. Let me see it then, said he, and look­ing upon it, Puh, this will never do your business, but I will draw up one instantly that shall prove Effectual: her Controversie it seems was with the Par­son of Moortclack, about stopping a Wa­ter-course, that thereupon overflowed her ground, and did her much Damage. He wrote her one, and getting it pre­sented by a Friend, immediately re­tir'd. The Woman was called in, and the Clerk of the Council order'd to read it; who could not for a [Page 5]time do it for laughing, till he was check­ed and commanded to read it, which was in these words,

Upon this, they allburst out into Laugh­ter, and for the Fancy's sake, made an Order, that the Parson should remove his two Stones and a Stake, and leave the good Woman's Water-course open.

6.

Scoggin in his time, having affront­ed the Maids of Honour, and other Court Ladies, by throwing out satyri­cal Jests; they upon their Complaint, obtained he should run the Gauntlet, and every one with a Switch have a blow at his naked Back; but before he began his Race, said, I wonder that you should be all thus bent against me, I know ma­ny of you to be honourable and virtu­ous, but by this Tryal it will be known whom I meant; for she that is guilty of [Page 6]the Charge I urged, will be sure to strike first: hereupon they stood gazing up­on each other, admiring who should be she; each forbearing to begin, till he run quite through them, and escap'd the Punishment design'd.

7.

One time he wanting Money, and meeting a Lord as he was walking mu­sing in the Court, set a good face on't to wheedle him out of a broad Piece, and coming up to him, said, My Lord, I had a strange dream last night, and now half of it is out, for I dreamed I met you here, which now proves so, and that you gave me a broad Piece: Well, said the Lord, then I will make out the other part, and so gave it him; and then said, Alack! I mistook, give it me again, for that is a Piece my Mistress gave me to keep for her sake, which he readily did, in hopes of a better Gratui­ty. Then said the Lord, I'll now tell you my Dream, that it may be out like­wise, viz. I dream'd I gave a Fool Mo­ny, and he had not the Wit to keep it: and so he passed on, leaving Scoggin [Page 7]to scratch his Ears and vex at being out-witted.

8.

King James the First abhorring Flat­terers, and being one day in the Park, where some Noble Men leap'd before him for a great Wager, he said, Is this all you can do? is it the farthest you can leap? A Parasite who stood at his El­bow, said it was nothing to what his Majesty had done in his younger days; thinking thereby further to ingratiate himself: to which the King reply'd, By my Saul Man, thou liest; for I could never leap so far, by five foot.

9.

The same Monarch upon his Acces­sion to the English Diadem, had seve­ral great Presents made him; and a poor Gard'ner hearing that he gave large­ly to the Presenters, resolved to try his Fortune; whereupon he presented him with a Turnep of a vast bigness, and he considering the Man's poverty, ordered him a Hundred Pounds. A person who [Page 8]had a very find Horse, for which he was offer'd 120 broad Pieces: being inform­ed of this, thought to himself, that if the King gave so much for the Presen­tation of so small a Value, he should not miss of trebble the Summ: and ac­cordingly made a Present of his Horse, which the King liked exceeding well; but having private Intimation of the Parties Expectations, he frustrated them, by only ordering the Hundred pound Turnep should be given him to make his best on't: which Frustration caus'd him to go away, scratching his Ears,

10.

A Person having been notorious for Quarrelling, wounding divers, and at last killing a Man, Intercession was made for his Pardon, which this King granted: but such Clemency not being sufficient warning, he killed another; and when the like Suit was made, the King reply'd, Nay by my Saul Man, it was not he, but I that killed this Man; for if he had been hanged before, this party had been alive; therefore he shall dye for making me unwittingly guilty [Page 9]of Murther, and accordingly he was Executed.

11.

The King being upon a Country Pro­gress, and at an Inn, after Dinner went privately from his Attendance, whil'st they were in the height of their Jolli­try, and coming to the Stable, found the Hostler sweating in currying down the Horses; to whom he said, Good Fellow, what News do you hear in these parts? what Discourse have they of the King? Why truly Sir, reply'd he, nothing to the purpose, but that he makes a great many poor Knights. Up­on this, the King retir'd, and ordered him to be sent for; the Fellow being conscious of what he had said, trem­bled at the consequence, but go he must, and coming into the Presence, he was ordered to kneel, which with some unwil­lingness he did: Then the King draw­ing out his Sword, which he supposed was for no other Intent, then to cut off his Head, cryed out for Mercy, and begged his Pardon; but was a little com­forted, when the Royal voice bid him [Page 10]Rise up Sir Roger Clodpate Knight; telling him his Report was now verify'd, for he had made one poor Knight; and so dis­missed him to occupy his former Em­ployment of rubbing down the Horses Heels.

12.

This King seperated from his Com­pany in hunting a Stag, went to a mean Cottage, on the edge of a Forrest; where he found an old Woman seething Pottage, and being keen in Appetite, desired some of them, which she pre­sented him; but being none of the cleanliest, and having unusual Herbs in them, caused in him an extraordinary Belly ach, of which he complaining, she immediately fetched a Bullet, de­siring him to swallow it as a present Re­medy; when straining to get it down, she cry'd, O Sir, you have a very nar­row Throat, I have swallow'd it a hun­dred times upon the like occasion, and never found any difficulty in it.

13.

Archee the King's Jester, when Arch-Bishop Laud bore a great Sway in King Charles the First's time, being asked his Opinion of a Set of Coach-horses that were presented to the King; said, they should be Ecclesiasticks, come from the pampering of good Benefices, by their Fatness, but were too unweildy for Ser­vice; making in his Comparisons Re­flection on the Arch-Bishop: which he highly resenting, caused search to be made for him, to cause him to be pu­nished; but he could not be found, till some of his Friends prevailed with the King to make his Peace: And where then, said he, do you think all this while I have hid my self? We know not, re­ply'd they; Why, said Archee, I'll tell you; even in the Chappel-Pulpit, for I knew his Grace never wou'd come there to look for me.

14.

A down-right Country Farmer com­ing to bring this great Prelate Rent for [Page 12]some Tenures he held of him, and ha­ving never before been in the presence of any but a Justice or the Mayor of a Corporation, accosted him, with May it please your Worship, at the same time giving a scrape with his Hob-nail Shoes, but was jogged by the Servants behind him, and order'd to say Grace instead of Worship; What, said he, must I say Grace where there's no Meat? but if it be the fashion here, 'tis an odd one; then lifting up his Hands, he said, The Eyes of all things, &c. and so went on, to the Admiration of the Bishop, who took him to be distracted, till he found he had done it by Mis­understanding.

15.

King Charles the First, riding a Pro­gress, and coming to a Country Knight's House, who though proud of the King's Visit, yet his Coffers could not reach to a very sumptuous Entertainment for so great a Train; but having very fine Orchards and Gardens, it being Fruit time of year, what wanted in Fish, Fowl, Sweet-meats, &c. was supplyed by the [Page 13]Tables being loaded with Pears, Apples, Plumbs, Nuts, &c. insomuch, that the King said, What means this? we shall ruin the Country: which a blunt Coun­try Fellow who waited hearing, and thinking to put a fine Gloss upon the matter, replyed, Your Majesty need not fear that, for we have so many, that we are forced to give them to the Hogs: which pretty Complement set the whole Company in a Laughter.

16.

Hugh Peters, the Bell-weather Holder-forth, who was a kind of a Buffoon Je­ster to Oliver Cromwell, Preaching at White-Hall before him, began com­mend the Officers for their Courage and Bravery, telling how they had been Ad­vanced, what Favours they had receiv­ed from the Protector; but here's par­ticularly one amongst you that has been as deserving as the best of you; a Man that has had Experience of Hemp in his Calling; for some say he's a Shoe-maker, others, that he's but a Cobler; but let him be which of these he will, his Name is Hewson, and here sits a sleep under [Page 14]the Pulpit. This Banter upon the cob­ling Colonel made such a tittering a­mong those that sate next to him, that he awak'd, and thinking all was done, was about to go out; which Peters per­ceiving, said, Nay, Colonel, since you have had such a large Nap, you are by this time sober enough to take 'tother Glass; and turning up his Pulpit-glass, went on with another Hour's Harrangue, much to the like edifying purpose.

17.

The French Ambassadour residing at Court, in the Reign of King Charles the Second, to boast the Greatness and Suc­cess of his Master, went vauntingly a­bout, shewing a Distich he had made;

This proud Insult displeasing the wit­ty Lord Rochester, since dead, he was resolved to put upon the Monsieur, and looking over his shoulder, turn'd them thus into English.

Upon this, the French-man made his Complaint to the King, but to no purpose; the King telling him, he was a person that would have his Humours of that kind, do what he could.

18.

This Noble-Man being very early in St. James's Park, walking and musing for new Crotchets of Poesie, met the King, with his Brother, and the Duke of Lauderdale, walking from White-Hall to St. James's; the King seeing him, said, How now, Rochester? what makes you so early here? I warrant you have some new-minted Fancies in your Head? Come, let us hear one of them; the Earl excused it, as not convenient; but the King pressing it, promising he would not be angry whatever it was, he thus descanted on them: [Page 16]

O my Conscience, says the King, he has Satyr'd upon us all: well, go thy ways, thou art an Arch Wag, and so they parted.

19.

King Charles the Second was a very merciful Prince to Offenders, and ex­tended his Clemency to a great many that were condemn'd; the condemn'd Roll one day being presented to him by the Recorder of London, to know his Pleasure, who should Suffer; several Courtiers being present, interceded some for one, and some for another; whom he crossed out, till there was but one left; then he asked who spoke for him, but none answering, O my Conscience, says [Page 17]the King, this is a poor Fellow, and wants Mony, I'll stand his Friend; and struck him out.

20.

When the great Heat of Petitioning was one Foot, a Petition among others was Delivered by—which being read, King Charles looking upon those that brought it, said, very familiarly to them, Well, Neighbours, I cannot but wonder you should trouble your selves about my Business, however, we'll defer it for this time; and tell the rest of my Neigh­bours, when I come to Windsor, I'll dis­course it further with them over a Pot of Ale, and so dismissed them; smiling at the Answer they were to return to the rest of the Subscribers.

21.

A Woman who was adapted to some-what of the Frailty of her Sex, being brought to bed of a Boy, her Hus­band sitting by the Bed-side, was consult­ing who should be Gossips, and amongst others, he named a person who was by [Page 18]some suspected to have a hand in the pye; saying, he knew he would stand: whereat lifting up her Hands, she reply'd, O the Father! that you should think of him.

22.

A plump Country Lass being in a Lon­don Service, her Master wheedled her to his Embraces, so that after repeated Dalliances, she proved with Kid, and one day there being a Pig for Dinner, she happening to Long for the Ears, eat them; as knowing, if they came to the Table, they would not fall to her share, and therefore made sure work be­fore-hand; the Mistress however mis­sing them, made Enquiry, and being told the naked Truth by the simple Girl, demanded how she came to be in that con­dition? Why truly and indeed forsooth, reply'd she, by my Master's help; the Woman then wishfully looking upon her Husband, who sate by, said, Is this true? Yes indeed, reply'd he, I believe it may, And when was it done, said she? Why truly Sweet-heart, when you were sick last: Ah! reply'd she, with a Sigh, and [Page 19]was I so sick, can a Woman be so sick, that her Husband must needs go astray? O unkind Man—

23.

A Woman in the Country being in Labour, divers were called, and amongst the rest, an old Woman; but it being a cold Night, she neglected to rise till day-light, and then hasted to the house, and had notice the Woman was safely de­livered; when stumbling at an old Cradle, where a sick Pig was wrapped up in a piss-burn'd Blanket; she, for want of her Spectacles, mistaking it for a Child, fell to kissing and slabbering it; crying, O pretty Babe, it is as like its own Father as if it had been spit out of his Mouth.

24.

A Country Lass having been at Lon­don, in a Service, and had gotten tolle­rable good Rigging upon her; coming down again, had a great many brave Kinsfolks came to visit her, amongst the rest a Widow-woman's Son fell in Love with her; but stumbling home from his Courtship, her Mother asked [Page 20]him whether at the parting he had kis­sed Mrs. Mary or not? No, indeed for­sooth, said he, I forgot it; then reply'd she, I charge you, Boy, upon my Bles­sing, go back and do it; lest you be thought unmannerly, and disgrace our Family: Away thereupon trudged Hob­nail; but the Door being lock'd, she refused to let him in, it being very late, but proffer'd him the Favour he desir'd through the Casement; and finding him a simple Fellow, instead of her Face, presented him her Breech, which he very amorously smuggled, and giving a scrape, went away very thankfully; and told his Mother at his Return, that now he liked Mrs. Mary better and bet­ter; because he was sure she was a good Housewife: How know you that, said the old Woman? well enough, reply'd he, For she had been late up a spinning, and had Toe in her Mouth when he buss'd her.

25.

A witty young Man in the Country, having a Love for a Rich Farmer's Daughter, and she the like for him; [Page 21]but he being poor, the Farmer would by no means consent to the Marriage, which put the Spark upon a Stratagem, viz. going abroad with his Mistress one Evening in the Fields, he pulled out his Knife, and cut a round hole in the ground, desiring her to make Water in it, which she modestly refused, till he entreated it again; urging, they should both reap the Fruits of their Desires by it; she had no sooner done this, but he fell to be-labouring the place with his stick, and so concealing the conceit, went home with her, and then with a kind Kiss parted and went to an Ale-house, where his Companions began to pity his Disappointment: No matter, said he, let who will have her, I'm sure I have pay'd her pissing-hole sufficient­ly This being taken in the worst Sense, soon came to the Ears of the Father and Mother, who, with open cries fell to reproaching their Daughter as a wicked naughty Wretch, to defile her self, and slain her Family. The Maid remembring what had passed, took the Hint, and improved it; saying, if any such thing had happened, it was their Faults, in hindring her from mar­rying [Page] [Page 22]with a Man she so well loved O you young Whore then! said the Old Man, do you confess it? Come Wife, continu'd he, let's send for the Rogue, and marry them, before it be noised any further; and accordingly by this Trick the Lovers obtained their Desires with the consent of all parties, which no Entreaties before could pro­cure.

26.

A super annuated Chamber-Maid perceiving the Midwife to be so well pay'd, and have a great deal of Mo­neys at her Mistresse's Christenings, re­solved to study that Art, and having got some Notions out of Books, decla­red her self a Proficient; giving warn­ing, and resolving to set up for a Mother Midnight: her Mistress being a witty Woman, smiled at this, and to improve the Frollick, told her, she highly ap­proved of her Undertaking, and doubt­ed not her Skill; adding, she should try her first practice on a young Cousin of hers, who was to come from London to lye in at her house in a few days: for this [Page 23]promise she returned her Mistress many Thanks, and prepared her self with Ne­cessaries. In the mean while the Mi­stress and some Gentlewomen whom [...]he had acquainted with the Intreague, procured a smock-fac'd beardless Youth, who, dressed in Womans cloaths, came [...]s from London, and passed for the ex­pected Cousin, with a Cushion under­ [...]eath for a great Belly: Throws were pretended, and the new Midwife called, who immediately fell to grabbling, and [...]atching hold of his Label of Mortali­ [...]y, fell a tugging at it, as supposing it [...]art of the Child, crying, Now all hands [...]o help, for I'll assure you 'tis Labour, [...]or here is one Leg in the World al­ready; at which they all bursted out [...]nto a Laughter, till their sides ak'd, [...]nd Mother Midnight finding her Mi­ [...]take, left not only her Service for [...]ame, but forswore the Practice for e­ [...]er, seeing she had been so fooled at [...]e first Bout.

27.

A Country Lass coming up to Town [...]n a Pack-horse to seek her Fortune, [Page 24]had the good luck to be hired as a Ser­vant to an an old Rich Mercer, who was a Batchelour, and pleased him so well, that at last he married her; he [...] Brother, and the top of her own Kin­dred, who was a down-right hone [...] Plough-man, hearing of his Sister's pro­motion, threw by his Paddle-staff, pu [...] on his Holy-day cloaths, took up h [...] Quarters Wages, and up to London h [...] came; and knowing the Streets by th [...] Direction of a Letter, though not th [...] House, enquir'd from Door to Door fo [...] his Sister Joan, who had lately marrie [...] her Master, till at last he was so luck [...] to find the right, where he was highl [...] welcomed, and being at Dinner, th [...] old Mercer said, Well, Brother-in-Law as I now must call you, I am glad [...] see you, or any of my Wife's Relation [...] she has been a good Servant to me, an [...] I hope she'll make as good a Wise; w [...] have a plentiful Estate, and all I wish [...] a Child to inherit it, which yet we hav [...] no hopes of: at this Dick looking wi [...] fully upon Madam his Sister, blunt [...] said, How now Joan, what art the turned a barren Sow in London? the wast not wont to be so in the County [Page 25]and though she frown'd, beckon'd, and made dumb signs for him to hold his Peace, yet he went on: And well, Bro­ther, (continu'd he) as for an Heir, you need not trouble your self, for she has a thumping Boy in the Country, got by Will. Dobs, her Master's Thrasher; and the Parish would be glad to be dis­charg'd of it. At this, the Old Man star'd, and Madam went blushing from the Table, that a Fool's Bolt so unwit­tingly shot, had ruined her Reputa­tion.

28.

A Woman having a Cros-grain'd Husband, hard to please; she desir'd him to write down what she should do, and what she should not do, that she might not err in her Performance: this was done, and she well observed her Rules; when one day going a mile or two to visit a Friend, the good Man got light-headed, and on his Return home, reeled into a Ditch, calling to his Wife to help him out: Indeed Hus­band (said she) I remember no such Article in my Orders, but I'll go home [Page 26]and see; and if there be, I'll come and help you, or else you must get out as well as you can, for I am resolved not to break them.

29.

An unmarried Gentlewoman desi­rous to have her Picture drawn, sent for a Limner, and gave him Directions to draw it at Large, in full Proportion, but to represent a Virgin: he having drawn the Face to her Content, drew the Drapery and other Parts at home; but, when she saw it, she was disgusted, because it was not of Stature and Pro­portion to her Body: O Madam, (said he) I lessened it on purpose; for had it been so Large, none would have believ­ed it could have represented the Picture of a Virgin in this early Age.

30.

A Girl about Ten Years old, had got a trick of confidently staring in Mens Faces when they were talking; for which her Mother reproved her, saying; Daughter, our Sex enjoyns us [Page 27]Modesty, and you ought to be bashful, and look downward when you are in Mens Company, and not to stand gazing and gaping as if you were looking Ba­bies in their Eyes: to which the pert Girl reply'd, This Lecture forsooth, should have been read in the former ignorant Ages, but every Age grows wiser and wiser; that Maids of this Age know better: Men indeed, may look down on the primitive Dust, from whence they were taken, but Man be­ing our Original, I will stare in their Faces, say what you can to the con­trary.

31.

A wealthy Citizen, and once a Man of great Authority, considering how Time improves Understanding, was heard to say, that every Age grew wi­ser and wiser, than that which preceed­ [...]ed it; for ( continu'd he) thus I prove it; My Father was wiser than my Grand-father, I am wiser than my Fa­ther, and my Daughter is wiser than us all three.

32.

A Widower, whose former Wife had lead an unquiet Life, by reason of his Insufficiency, came a courting to a brisk Lass, who thereupon refused; but her Mother chid her, saying, She was a Fool to refuse such an Offer, seeing he's very Rich, and would maintain her very bravely: Ay, but Mother, (reply'd she,) If we should chance to fall out, what shall we do for a Peace­maker to reconcile us? In troth, let who will take him, I had rather go in my Hair-Lace and Slippers with a Cock of the Game, than to russle in Silks, to be trod by a Capon.

33.

A Country Squire of a home-spun breeding, Courted a brisk Girl, Daugh­ter to a Rich Farmer, who by her Fa­ther's Consent, was persuaded to marry him, he having a pretty good E­state; and accordingly the day was ap­pointed: but one day espying a Mare, on which the old Man used to ride to [Page 29]Market, and for her easie going was much esteemed, which he desired into the Bargain; but being refused, flung away in a Huff, and told him, he might then keep his Daughter: the Girl was mighty glad of this Rupture, but soon after repenting his Folly, he came a­gain, when none but she was at home; but she made as if she knew him not, Why, this is strange (said he) that you should so soon forget me; why, I am such a one, O, I cry you mercy Sir! (reply'd she) You are the Gentleman that came a wooing to my Father's Gray Mare; why truly, your Mistress is gra­zing in the Orchard; you may go and make your Addresses to her, if you please. This Repartee so dashed him out of Countenance, that he never had the sa [...]e to speak to her afterward.

34.

A Woman having often up [...]aided her Husband for following Whores; he came one night, expecting a Juniper-lecture, having a Gut filled with Ox Blood, tyed at both ends, in his Breeches, he missed not his Expectation; for she [Page 30]presently began to open at him in the old Dialogue: Well Wife (says he) since this breeds our difference, I'll ease you of your Jealousie, by removing the Cause of it; and so in a furious manner, pul­ling out his Knife, cut the Gut, and threw it in the fire: the Woman seeing the Blood, and thinking he had destroy­ed her Play-fellow, run screaming out, crying for help, for that her Husband had murther'd himself, and a great ma­ny Women coming in, found him on the Floor in a counterfeit Swoon: an old Woman among the rest, undertook to search the Wound, and sadly assured them, it was too true, for his Guts were all in his Breeches: O then said the Wife, I had rather he had cut his Head off.

35.

A Company of Roaring Blades com­ing into a House, called for Wenches, but there happened to be but one at that time in waiting; at which they be­gan to bluster; saiyng, What a Pox, have you no more Whores, Landlord? No Sirs, (reply'd he) not at present, but by [Page 31]and by I shall; and in the mean time if you please, I'll send you up my own Wife.

36.

Two Country Fellows going by Saint Pauls, as it is now Magnificent in build­ing, says one to the other, (who stood with his Mouth at half Cock,) look you here Robin, here's a great House, I [...]se warrant it cost Vorty Shillings buil­ding: Ay, reply'd the other, Vorty and Vorty to that. Nay, hold you there Robin, not too many Vorties; for my Vather had a Barn built for Visty Shil­ling.

37.

A Merry Wench perceiving a Fellow with a Torn pair of Breeches sit strad­ling, and his Whim-wham hanging out, said, Prithee Harry what's all this? Why, only my Purse and Pack-thread: Say you so; (said she) why then my Purse being cut, Prithee lend me your Pack-thread to mend it.

38.

Two Gentlemen travelling, and spy­ing at a Brook in a Field, by the way­side, a bouncing Country Lass, with her Coats trussed up to the middle of her Thighs, bucking her Cloaths; says one to the other, let us put upon this Wench. I'll venture a Bottle, says his Companion, she answers you. Done, says the other: Then Sweet-heart (says he) what ails your Thighs to look so red? O Sir, (reply'd she) I carry fire in mine Arse, and want your Nose for a Bucket to take up water to quench it: Upon this unexpected Repartee, he durst not make a second Attack, but yielded his Wager lost.

39.

A Parson over-seeing the mending of a Causey before his Deor, a Noble-man riding by, thought to joak upon him, saying, Well Doctor, I see you are men­ding the way; but it seems it is not the way to Heaven: No, my Lord, (re­ply'd he) if it were so, I should look [Page 33]upon it as a great wonder to see your Lordship come this way.

40.

A Country Fellow mounted between two Dorsers in Bartholomew Fair, sate gaping at the jugling Tricks of the Jack Puddings, whilst four arch Fellows shoul­dering up his Pack-saddle, ungirthed it, and drew his Horse from under him, which they carryed into a neighbour­ing Inn: the Fellow all this while look­ing stedfastly up to the Scaffold; whilst being weary with supporting him, they slip'd aside, and let him fall squalch to the ground: whilst this amazed him, and made him stare about, one came with a snip of Hose-hair in his Hand, saying, he saw the Horse sink into the ground, and catching by his Tail, tho' he could not hold him, had plucked off that Hair: The Fellow took it for Con­juration, and on his Knees besought them to restore his Keffel; but no­thing would do, till he had deposited all the Mony he had taken at Market for his Butter and Eggs.

41.

One having stoln an Alarum Watch, stiffly denyed it before the Justice, so that upon the slender Evidence, he was discharged; but before he got out of the Hall, the Alarum went, and he was thereupon ordered to be brought back again; at which he cryed out, O what hard [...]uck have I! that I, could so easily baffle both Justice and Constable, and yet am trappan'd by the Watch.

42.

A Drover driving some Sheep through a narrow passage where the Trap-door of a Cellar was open, a black Ram fell in, and it being night, the rest were driven on, without it being miss'd: The Boy being sent down for Drink, and seeing a black thing, with shining Eyes, came running up in a manner breath­less crying out, the Devil was in the Cell [...]; the Master going down to see, came up more affrighted; whereupon a Parsona little fuster'd, being in the House, undertook to Exorcise the supposed De­mon, as most proper to his Function; and so with his Book and his Candle went down. The Ram no sooner heard [Page 35]him make a great noise, but he came running full drive at him; the Parson starting at this unexpected Assault, and throwing his Arms abroad, one of his Sleeves catched hold on a Tenter-hook, whereupon in the Fright, thinking he had been in Belzebub's Paws, throwing away his Book and Candle, cryed out with a lamentable Voice, Help! help! he has me, he has me: which so fright­ed those above, that instead of coming to his Assistance, they all run out of Doors, and left him to shift for him­self.

43.

An ordinary Shentleman of Wales travelling to London to seek his Fortune, and being put to hard shifts, borrow­ed a Silver Tankard at an Inn where he lay, which being found upon him, he was Tryed at the Old-Baily, and there burnt in the Hand; which narrow es­cape of hanging, made him haste back again to the Mountains: upon his re­turn, one of his Country-men enquired of his Adventures; O (said he) a­mongst other rare Things, hur met with [Page 36]the cunningest Fortune-tellers imagina­ble, who looking on her, told her, whe­ther her should live or die, and that hur might the better remember what they said, it was writ with an Iron Pen in hur Hand.

44.

Another Welsh-man who had been whipp'd at the Carts-arse, and his Com­panion hang'd; upon his Return, be­ing demanded what was become of the latter, (reply'd hur) was pravely marry'd. Are you sure on't, (said they?) Yes, Plutter-a-nails was hur, for hur very well remember, hur danc'd such a Shigg at her Wedding, as hur never danc'd in all hur life before.

45.

Teague an Irish-man, being Servant to an English Gentleman, his Master go­ing to the Bowling-Green, and forget­ting a pair of Bowls he had caused to be made for his own playing, sent Teague to fetch them; who mistaking him, went unto the next Close to fetch [Page 37]the Bull, but he would not come with­out the Cows, so he brought them al­together, and drove them into the Green. Sirrah, (says his Master) what's the meaning of this? where are my Bowls? Why, Dear Joy (reply'd he) here is thy Bull; but upon my Shoul, I cou'd not get the damn'd Bitch to come with­out his Moder and Sisters, and dat be de Reoshon I stay'd so long, hoping dou wilt not be angry. The simplici­ty of the Fellow, put them all present­ly into a fit of Laughter, and induced his Master of forgive him.

46.

Remember, (says a Gentleman to Irish Donnel) that you mind me to write a Letter, and send you to morrow mor­ning to such a place; Yes, Dear Joy, (reply'd he) and so getting up the next morning, away he trudged Three Miles, without speaking to his Master; being come to the House, the Porter asked him his business, or what he come for. By my Shoul Joy, (said he) I cannot tell; Why, who sent you, (says the o­ther,) Why, my Master bid me bring a [Page 38]Letter. Where is it? (says the other) I cannot tell. (said the Irish-man) Who did write it? In good troth I cannot tell; (continu'd he) for I came away before [...]e was up: The Man seeing him block­ [...]d [...]h, resolved to put a Trick upon him, [...] eupon ordered one of his [...]ervants [...] a Wa [...]p's Nest, and catch about [...] in a Box: this done, he [...] knew what his Master [...] him for, viz. was a Box of Silk-Worm [...] but he must put them in his Breeches to keep them warm, or they would die; he did it accordingly, but had not gone far on his way, but the box opened, and out came Mon­sieur Yellow Jackets, fixing their Launces in his Thighs and Buttocks; which made him caper, run and roar like one pos­sessed with a Fury.

47.

Another Gentleman having one of this Nation to his Footman, as wise as the rest; order'd him to step over the way to such a Tavern, and ask if he were there: the Fellow very ignorant­ly went, and returning, says his Ma­ster, [Page 39]Am I there or no? No, be my Shoul Joy, they say dee be not there, but thou wilt be there by and by.

48.

Two bouncing Lasses washing them­selves at a Spring in an Orchard, it happen'd whilst they were merry and dashing one another; a Fellow that came to steal some Fruit, lay snug in a Tree, whose Boughs hung over the Water, but peeping out of Curiosity too low, his hold slipp'd, and souze he sell in, crying out, miserably he should be drowned: the naked Lasses frighted hereat, left their Cloaths behind them, and sled amain. The old Man their Father, was just shutting the Door as they came to it; but they rushing in, boat him down backwards, and running up stairs, covered themselves in the Bed. The Old Man thus overthrown, lay sprawling and crying out Thieves, and Murder; when the Neighbours com­ing in to demand the cause of his Ex­clamation, O! (said he) there are Thieves in my House, desperate Rus­s [...]ans, all in Buff, with black Bandileers [Page 40]under their Waists, are run up stairs: This startled them at first, but the truth being known, turned their Fear into Laughter.

49.

A Priest visiting a Party that was sick, and without hope of Recovery, proceeded to comfort him, saying, If he dyed, he need not fear to be car­ried to Heaven on Angels Wings: That will do well (reply'd he) with a faint Voice, for I am so weakned with my Sickness, I shall never get there on foot.

50.

A Gentleman sending his Irish Ser­vant into the Mew, to see whether his Hawks had Cast, and he seeing one that had got his Hood off, playing with the other, and somtimes laying hold of his Head; he run in, and assured his Master, that one of them were about to Cast: How do you know that? says his Master Why, by St. Patrick's Shoe-buckle, there [Page 41]be the great shign of it, for the other Hawk is holding his Forehead.

51.

A Country Yeoman marrying a Farmer's Buxom Daughter, but she ha­ving a greater Kindness for another, had promis'd him her Maiden-head; and whil'st all were in the height of Merriment, they two retir'd into a back Milk-house, and there the Pro­mise was made good; but before the Sport was well ended, her Mother came in, and discovering what had passed, fell a ratling her extreamly, whil'st her Gallant sneaked away. The Bridegroom hearing the noise, came and desired to know what the matter was? O Son! says the old Woman, the Baggage has just now carck'd a Pipkin that has been kept without a Flaw these Nineteen Years: O Law! (says Clodpate) who cou'd not reach the meaning on't; is that all? Pray don't be angry, and here is a Groat to buy another.

52.

A Woman who had a drunken Husband, hi [...]nking to reclaim him by Affright­ment, put him once into a Coffin, and and laid him in a Vault, where being dead drunk, he slept all Night; the next morning she knock'd so loud at the door of the Vault, that he awaking asked who was there? One (said she) that is come to bring Meat to the Dead [...] If you had brought Drink (reply'd he) you had been welcome, but for Meat I have no occasion for, and therefore may carry it back again. O misera­ble Woman that I am! (said the Wise, what a hard Fortune is mine, to have a Husband that will be drunk even in his Grave.

53.

A Brisk Lass having married a Tay­lor, carryed him to see her Friends in the Country, where some Wenches gig­ling, and being heard to say, Margery has marryed a Taylor, good lord! what (said she) replying sharply, wou'd [Page 43]you have had me a marryed an An­gel?

54.

An old Knight, who along time had a Female Help-mate, called a House­keeper; who had so well tickled his Fancy, that when he dyed, he left her his Coach and Horses, and Five Hun­dred a Year: in requital of which Ex­traordinary Benificence, she Erected him a Monument, where among o­ther Things, his Figure lay along at Large, and hers was placed kneeling at its Feet with a Book, as if Reading: An Arch Wag seeing this, who was no stranger to their Intreagues, writ under it with a piece of Charcole, viz.

55.

A Gentlewoman, who in her Life­time was of but light Fame, and so Lust­ful, that she labour'd to Sue out a Divorce against her Husband for Insufficiency; but dyed before it could be obtained: whereupon laying a Stone over her, he caused these Lines to be Cut on it.

56.

A Weaver's Wife in Spittle-Fields, up­on the Death of her Husband, ordered a Mason to lay a Stone on his Grave [...] and being desirous to have some Word [...] upon it, knew not what; at last it cam [...] into her Head, viz. Here lyeth the Bod [...] of John Ball, Weaver of Spittle-Fields [Page 45]And what more? says the Mason, who was a Thick-skull'd Fellow at Invention. That's all, says the Woman; upon this, he thinking she meant the last Words for a Rhime, set it down in this man­ner.

57.

In another place, a Man having been very troublesome to his Neighbours, they were all glad when he died, yet in Remembrance of him, clubb'd for a Stone, upon which were Engraved these Lines.

58.

A Country Fellow, who had never seen a Coach before, observing one come rattling along with a Gentlewoman in [Page 46]it; demanded of one that came riding behind, what that Trundling-House was call'd? who reply'd, a Coach: Ve­ry fine, reply'd the Countryman: And who is that Gay Woman in it? Why the Queen of Hearts, said the other; In troth (reply'd he) I thought so, be­cause the Knave of Clubs was so close at her heels; for they are always shuffled together.

59.

A Mountebank riding along the Road, saw a great Croud in another Road a little distant, and sent his Man to see what the matter was; who come ri­ding back in great hast and Consterna­tion, crying out before he came at him, O Master! fly, fly, for your Life; What ails the the Fool? what's the matter? said our Doctor? O Sir! said his Man, there's a Fellow a [...]going to be hanged for kil­ling a Man, and you have killed forty to my knowledge in your time, with your Pills and Potions.

60.

A swinging stomach'd Fellow be­ing set to a large piece of Roast-Beef, [...]ut sometimes at one end, and some­times at another; the Mistress of the House entreated him to cut fair, and not spoil the fashion of the Meat: Don't [...]ou take care no care for that; (reply'd [...]e) it matters not where I out, for I [...]o intend to make both ends and the middle meet, before I go: and he prov­ed as good as his word; for he eat it [...]ll up, to the Admiration of all the Be­holders.

61.

Counsellour Marriot the great Eater, [...]argaining with a Man that know him [...]ot, to fill his Belly with Gammon of Ba­ [...]on for a Shilling, he presently devoured [...]ne Gammon; at which the Man be­ [...]an to grumble, saying, He had put it [...]nto his Breeches, or convey'd it out at [...]he Window, for he was consident, no Man could ever eat it; it weighed (said [...]) Nine Pound and half: Puh, thou art [Page 48]a silly Fellow, (says Marriot) and dost not understand what belongs to eating: I'll wager you the price of both, I eat another. Done, said the Cook, and fetch­ed another; standing by till he had eat above half, and was going on to the rest; then he snatched it away, saying, Certainly thou art the Devil; for none but the Devil cou'd devour at such a rate: and so without taking a penny of his Money, entreated him to be pack­ing.

62.

Henry the Eighth, designing to Wa [...] against France, ordered a Rough Mes­sage of Defiance to be carried to the French King, which was so grating, that the Messenger doubted of his Life if he delivered it: saying, The French King would undoubtedly take his Head off reply'd old Harry sternly, If he dares to do it, I will revenge the Affront, in taking off the Heads of a Thousand o [...] his Subjects: But alas! Sir, said the o­ther, what good will that do me, when I have lost mine? for I do not believe any of theirs will fit my Shoul­ders.

63.

A Lady having a Lap-Dog, that she was very fond of; one day the maid hapen'd to beat him for a naughty Trick, and my Lady hearing his Cry, came running to his Rescue; demanded what he had done? and began to chide her rough usage of her beloved Whelp. Madam, (says the Wench) he deserves this Correction, and worse; if you knew all, you'd say so: Why, what has he done? tell me quickly, Nothing, Madam, but you having carelessy left your Dressing-Box open, he has very unmannerly untrussed a Point amongst your Lady ship's paints and Perfumes.

64.

A Taylor's and a Baker's Boy meet­ing together, Come, says the first, let us go and crack a Pot, we shall ne'er want Money at our Trades, as long as there are Backs and Bellies, and our Masters have chalk'd out a way to pinch and Steal for our Expences. I know not what Tricks your Master has shewed [Page 50]you, (says the Baker's Boy) but I'll take it upon me to say, that my Ma­ster is as honest a Man, as ever liv'd by Bread.

65.

A Person seeing a Fray in the street, and being Pot-valiant, wou'd needs thrust himself into it; got a shrew'd crack'd Crown, which obliged him to send for a Surgeon; who being long at Probing; he asked him what he was doing? Why searching (said the other) For what? (said the Patient) To see if your Brains were not hurt, (says the Surgeon.) Truly Sir, (reply'd he) you may spare that labour, for if I had had any Brains, I had escaped this Mischief, by being wise enough to keep out of a Fray, wherein I had no Concern­ment.

66.

A Man coming to a Painter to draw him a Bear upon a Sign-board, and be­ing to be brought to but a very indiffe­rent Price; (says the Painter) the [Page 51]Chain and Collar must be Leaf-Gold, and that is dear: Puh (says the Man) I care not a Pin whether there be any Chain or Collar. So drawn it was at his price, but with such slight Colours, that the next great Rain washed it off. The Alehouse-Man hereupon sent for the Painter, and reproached him for a Cheat; O (says he) did I not tell you that by all means, you should have had a Collar and a Chain; but being left loose, has e'en run away, and all that I can say to the matter is, you must find him where you can.

67.

A Scotch-man intending to set up a Two penny-Chop-Ordinary, went to a Carvers, and bargain'd with him to Carve him a Bare Head for his Sign, and he taking him for a Barber or Per­riwig-maker, Carved him one accord­ingly: but seeing it, disliked it; (say­ing) Upon my Saul Man, in geud faith this is not the Bare Head I meant; No (says the Carver) what then? Why, a Bare Head of the Sows Husband who has little Grices and Gruntlins follow­ing [Page 52]her, crying a-week, a-week. O now I understand you, (says the Car­ver) you mean a Boars Head, Yes, by Saint Andrew do I; (said Jockey) and so they agreed.

68.

In Popish Times, when the Holy Rood was set up; a Country Carver had made such an ugly Image, that it stood like a Bug-bear to fright the Chil­dren from Church, so that the people would not contribute to pay him; he thereupon warned them before the Mayor of the Town; who told them, 'twas reason the Man should be pay'd for his Labour, and if they lik'd it not for a God, they might make a Devil of it.

69.

A Fellow being sharply reproved by his Neighbour's Wife, for conserting with Lewd Women: Why, what would you have me to do (says he) I am a Batchelour and resolve not to marry; yet if I could have an opportunity to [Page 53]kiss an honest Woman when I had an occasion, it would wean me: Hark you then (said she) whispering in his Ear, my Husband won't come home to night, and I'll leave the back Door open for you, you know the way to my Bed.

70.

A Woman having a drunken Hus­band, who when she scolded at him, u­sed to beat her when he came home in that pickle; whereupon she went to a Doctor to know what would cure him of that boisterousness; who by her Dis­course, perceiving that her Tongue oc­casion'd her hard Usuage, told her, he would give her a Water, which if she held in her Mouth when she let him in, and till he was in bed, he should have no power to beat her. The silly Wo­man put it in practice, and whil [...] her Mouth was so sill'd, she could not use her Clacker, and so escap'd many a bang'd sides: Mr. Doctor got a Crown a week of her, till one of her Gossips diving into the Mystery; told her, she might as well save the Charge, and hold her [Page 54]Tongue without it and consequently be secure from beating.

71.

A Country-man being sent by a Gen­tleman to his Son with some Moneys, who was a Student in the Temple, and finding a Note in the Key-hole, viz. I am gone to the Devil, he started, and his Hair stood an end, and for a while knew not what to think or say; till supposing himself near the Consines of Hell, and that he might be fetched to accompany him: he thunder'd down stairs, took Horse, whipping and spurring without having the Courage to look behind him, till he came home, and there with ab­rupt stammerings, delivered the suppo­sed dreadful News of his young Master's fatal Disaster testified under his own Hand: but when the Truth of the bu­siness came out, it proved to be only the Devil Tavern, where he was recreating himself with some Friends.

72.

A Country Lawyer being in years, yet, upon a second Marriage, taking a brisk young Wife, she made many dumb signs to inveigle his Clerk to her Em­braces [...] who, for a while, did not, or would not understand them: but grow­ing gamesome, she persecuted him so at last, that by tickling, and other Love-tricks he could not write in his Desk for her. Wheroupon, he made a mark with Chalk, about two yards distance, upon the floor, telling her, That if she came over it, he would lay her down and ruffle her to some purpose. Will you so, (said she,) I'll venture that. Up­on which, seeing but too plainly what she wou'd be at, he took her in his arms, and threw her upon the bed: where, as to what they did, we drew the curtain. A little Boy, that cou'd but just speak, saw this passage; and the Lawyer com­ing home, and about to step over the chalk, he catch'd hold of him, crying, Oh, Father! Father! if you step over the chalk the Clerk will take you and throw you on the bed, and then lye upon you a [Page 56]great while, as he did upon my Mother. By this we see, Children and Fools tell truth.

73.

A Woman, playing not only false with her husband, but with her Gal­lant, admitted more to her Embraces: so that one coming suddenly, before she cou'd dismiss the other, she made the first get upon the Beds Teaster, whil'st she entertain'd the second; but hearing her Husband's tread, coming up stairs, she thrust him under the bed. The Husband, by the heat and confusion she was in, the rumpling of her cloaths, and the like, smelling a Rat, commanded her to tell him who had been there. She solemnly protested, No body. But he urging it further, she, with up lifted hands, protested again, saying, There's One adove knows all. The Fellow on the Teaster thinking she had purposely betray'd him, put out his Head, all hung with Cobwebs, and said, There's one underneath the Bed knows as much as I: Whereupon, the other crept out, all rowled in the Dust. She seeing now, [Page 57]it was in vain to deny it, fell upon her knees; and begg'd pardon. Which the good-natur'd Cuckold granted her, ta­king her Word for her future Ho­nesty.

74.

A grave, old Country Blade coming before a Judge, and taking his Oath in a Cause, he was bid to have a care what he swore, lest he went to the Devil: I fear not that, (reply'd he, by way of retort,) for I have given him my eldest Son, and he ought to be contented with one out of a Family. How's that, (says the Judge,) pray explain your self. Why truly, I have made him a Lawye, and you know the Devil was a Lawyer from the beginning. A Lyar you mean, (said the other.) I know not (reply'd he) what distinction there may be made in Lon­don, but I'm sure, by sad Experience, we in the Country know no difference between a Lawyer and a Lyar.

75.

A French-men coming to plead at the Barr, in a Cause, and speaking broken English, came at last to citing of Cases: Now, my Lord (said he) ha­ving gone thus far, I'll shite you some Cases to prove it. Then I shite you the First Case; now I shite you a Second: Having cited these two, Now (said he) I will shite you a Turd. Then said the Judge, joakingly, I hope you will have the manners to withdraw, and not do it openly in the Court, before all this Company, especially in hot Weathor. This non-plus'd Monsieur, and put him beside his Cases, whil'st the People found matter for laughter.

76.

An old Blade with a great Beard, standing near a Carr-Horse, the Horse taking his Beard for a bottle of Hay, cry'd Whehee, and snap'd at it; which made the old Man give such a leap back, that he stumbled and fell in the Kennel: when getting up, he fell to [Page 59]cudgelling the Horse, and in a great rage, cry'd out, You plaguy Toad, who made you a Barber, that you must at­tempt to shave me, with a pox t'yee?

77.

A Water-man having taken divers into his Boat, and they not sitting in equal ballance, cry'd, as is usual, Pray, Gentlemen, trim the Boat. Whereat, a Barber being one in company, star­ted up and cry'd, You Whore's-bird! How came you to know that I am a Barber?

78.

A humor some Fop taking pleasure to be laugh'd at, thinking, upon that ac­count, that his Discourse was very plea­sing: A brisk Lady told him, Truly, Sir, you have a tickling Fancy; and ra­ther that want being the subject of Di­version you will court your own Sha­dow to flout yee.

79.

A Sailor having been a three-years Voyage, his Wife came to welcome him home, with a Kinchin of about half a year old in her arms: At the fight of which he grew crusty, saying, He thought she had been an honester Woman, than to have serv'd him such a trick? Why (Reply'd she) did you force me to do it, by staying longer that your Promise? I could not help that, (said he.) Nor could I this, (said she:) For one night leaving my Cham­ber-door open, between sleep and 'wake, I found my self boarded a-stern, and thought it had been thee, my Dear, that came stealing in to surprize me; but being more vigorously attack'd than usual, I something doubted, and said softly to my self, I pray God it be John! Well (said he) if it happen'd against thy Will, I freely forgive thee: come, let's kiss and be Friends; but be sure to be more cautious how you leave your Door open another time, for this is a slippery world we live in, I must tell you that.

80.

A French man coming to a house, had a Dish dress'd after the Gallick Mode; but some Spice being wanting, he call'd, in the absence of the Mistress, to a Country Wench, that was newly come thither as a Servant, to take the Dish, and put some Pice in it, (that being the French pronunciation, in broken English, for Spice.) The Wench ima­gining he bid her piss in it, set her flood­gate open, and pic'd it to the purpose, and so returned it. But he seeing no Spice, still call'd for some, not minding any thing else. When the Mistress com­ing in, said, How now, why don't you give the gentleman what he asks for? Indeed, Madam, said she, I have; for I piss'd as much as I cou'd, and he is so unreasonable, as not to be contented with it

81.

A young Widow having buried an old Husband, pretends so great a love to his Memory, that she had his Image [Page 62]carv'd, and laid by her Side every Night; which she kissed and embraced, vowing perperual Widow-hood. But her Maid thinking this but Hypocrisie, brib'd by a [...] young Gallant, suffered him to [...] place of the Image, as a more [...] fellow for a brisk Woman: [...] him unwittingly the [...] but e're Morning, [...]o far [...] him: but the [...] want of Billets to [...] said, Burn old Simon, [...], (so she call'd the Image, [...] Husband's Name,) for now I have done with him, and got a better Bed-fellow.

82.

A Widow returning from the burial of her Husband, all in Tears; you must know, an officious Neighbour offered her his Service, to hand her home; which she accepted, and by the way, began a needless Oration to comfort her; telling her withal, That he was a Widower, and at her devotion. Indeed [Page 63]Sir, said she) I thank you for your kind­ness, but it is too late to make such a Proffer; had you done it a day sooner, I should have accepted it, but I was married privately this Morning, as not being able to lye longer alone, for fear of Spirits.

83.

An old Beldam being carry'd before the Justice, for keeping a Bawdy house, endeavoured to deny and excuse it: How, Huswife! says the Justice, have you the impudence to deny it? I know you do keep a Bawdy-house, and I'll maintain it. At this the old Woman, mistaking his meaning, took heart, and dropping him a Court'sie, said, I thank your Worship a hundred times, I want such good Customers and Supporters as you, to recover my great decay of Trade, or I shall be ruin'd, as Times goe. At this the Justice blush'd, and the People laugh'd; yet, for the Con­ceit's sake, remitted her Punishment.

84.

A Country Gentleman being a Justice of Peace, having been highly offended by his Footman, resolv'd to have him corrected, without giving himself the trouble of doing it; and therefore writ a Letter to the Keeper of the Bride well, That he should, upon the receit, take the Bearer of it, and give him severely the Correction of the House. This Let­ter he gave him to carry, and bring a speedy Answer back. Yet by the Di­rection, mistrusting some mischief, came to an Ale-house, where he sound alusty Tinker half drunk, and for Two Pots got him to carry it. The Bridewell-man, upon first sight, caused him to be stripp'd, saying, How durst you, Sirrah, abuse so worthy a Gentleman? Upon this, he deny'd he knew him, and told where he had the Letter. But all would not do, till he had Forty Lashes; and then being let loose, ran to find out and kill the Fellow that had put the trick upon him: But Peell-garlick, upon no­tice, was rubb'd off; and telling his Master how he had trick'd the Tinker, obtain'd his Pardon.

85.

A Fellow, comically dispos'd, having gotten a great many Horns in a Basket, cryed, New Furniture, Rare Furniture. Whereupon, a grave Citizen admi­ring what it should be, desir'd to see it; and thereupon said, Why, you cox­combly Fool, think you any one is so mad, to buy such Ware? Yes, marry, I do, reply'd he; for though you are fur­nish'd, there are many, as wise as your self, that may have occasion for them.

86.

A Fellow running along the street, half out of breath, crying, Fire! Fire! Nay, said the People, you had better cry Water, for it seems there is too much Fire already.

87.

A Man having bought a pair of Bucks-Horns, his Wife asked him, what he meant to do with them? Oh, says he, hang my Hat on them. And why [Page 66]upon Horns. Husband? you might have done that, and have kept it upon your Head.

88.

A Bailiff clapping a Man on the Shoulder, said, I Arrest you, Sir, for a Horse, (meaning, for the Money he ow'd for a Horse.) Why, reply'd the De­fendant, thou errant Coxcomb, thou art not, certainly, such a Fool as thou ma­kest thy self? Pray look upon me again: What likeness can you see, that you should be so blockheaded, as to take me for a Horse? Then tripping up his heels, said, However, I'll shew you a Horse-trick; and after giving him two or three kicks, left him in the Kennel, and so march'd off.

89.

At a French University, they admit the Degree of Doclor to be taken, in lieu of a Summ of Money to supply certain Colleges, without conside4ing their Learning and Abilities. One of which thinking to punn upon the place, said, [Page 67]merrily, that since he was made a Doctor, he was willing his Horse might [...]e commenced too, that being far from great Towns, where many times he [...]net with Patients, he need not, having [...]is Horse with him, be at the trouble to send for another Physician, upon any thing that required a Consult. That may be done, said the Prolocuter; for it is no such difficulty for us who have made an Ass a Doctor, to make an Horse one likewise.

90.

A brisk Widow having an Inn, bear­ing the Sign of the Maiden-Head, left her as a Dowry; but there being a dofective Title, she was Ejected: wherefore, in a pitiful Tone, she said, Now I find there's Law, even against keeping of Maiden-heads, for I have lost this Mai­den-head by Law. Says one to her, Prithee, tell me, Did you take so on, when you lost your other Maiden-head? No, indeed, said she, I had rather have [...]ost that twenty times over; for the Fruits of that Maiden-head I can shew still, but this is gone from me for ever.

91.

A Man being to get Goffips for the Christning of his Wife's Child, told her, He had pitch'd upon such a One. who, by the Neighbours, was thought to be more than ordinarily familiar with her. At which, lifting up her Hands, she cry'd out, O the Father! that you shou'd think of him!

92.

A Shentleman of Wales, seeing one with a large Pomkin in his hand, said, Was beseech hur, tell hur what has hur got there? Why, a Mare's Egg, you Fool you, (reply'd the other.) And was hur get a Coult out of it, was think hur? Yes, (reply'd the other) Then hur was want one, if hur will sell hur one? Yes, (said the other.) Then, Cot, Cot, bur will give hur a Groat for it? Content, (said the other.) So the Money was laid down, and Pomkin deliver'd, and the Welsh-man trudg'd up a Hill with it [...] but the Stalk breaking, it fell; and rowling down, struck against a Bush, [Page 69]out of which started a Hare; which the Cambrio. Britain seeing, and thinking his Mare's Egg had brought forth, run after her, crying, Stop hur Colt, stop bur Colt; but Puss not minding his Clamour, kept on her way, and the Pomkin roul­ing into the Thicket, lay undiscove­red; so that to his great fretting and disappointment, he went home discon­tented without either, to tell the strange Adventure.

93.

A Physitian having sent for a Farrier, [...]o blood and drench his Horse, and of­fering him Money; No, says the Farrier, we are Brothers in our Practice, and must take no Fees of one another, only my desire is, That when I have occasi­on for you, you would deal as sincere­ly by me, as I have done by your Horse.

94.

A young Gentlewoman, of great For­tune, being Married, and the first and second Year, no Child in likelyhood, [...]er Mother made strict Inquiry, where [Page 70]the Defect lay; and upon her discove­ry, after many blushings, and hesitations, that it was in the Husband, she prevail­ed [...] her to sue out a Divorce: And the young Lady coming to shew he [...] Reasons, des [...]ed, for Modesty's sake, she might wri [...]e them, which was al­lowed; and at [...]empting it, being told there was no Ink in her Pen, Why tru­ly, said she, that is my Cast, and you have saved me the Labour, by finding out what I designed to write.

95.

A drunken Tinker, having told, in a dograding way, That he had ofter worked at such a Gentleman's House but that he kept such a penurious watch over his Servants, they durst not give him a d [...]aught of Drink. The Gentle [...] man being displeased at this, ordered [...] Butt of Stout, that stood an end, t [...] have the upper Head taken out, and En­quiry to be made for this smutty Meta [...] monger, to come and mend some Cop­pers; and being found, accordingly [...] came: when being lead into the Celar, Two lusty Fellows stript him, an [...] [Page 71]set [...] the Liquor up to the Chin; then came the Gentleman with his drawb [...] as if in an angry mo [...]d, [...] you have thus dis­graced [...] Butt, or off goes your [...]ead the [...] gegged his [...]ardon, [...] do) for seeing you [...] have at you; then [...] over the Top of the [...] the Tinker, to [...]void the [...] and having often compelled [...] till almost drowned in the [...] he bid him beware how he complaited for Liquor at his House another time. Nay, truly Sir, said he. I never will; for now I have had too much.

96.

A young Gentlewoman having new­ly buried, her Husband, who left her a considerable Estate, the Cobler of the [...] on this, resolving to try his [...], put on his Roast-meat Cloaths, and desired to speak with her about Bu­siness, that nearly concerned her Per­son; and with some difficulty, being ad­mitted, say'd, Madam, understanding [Page 72]you are a Widow, and I a widower, I come to offer my Service to you: For what? said she, Why, in good troth re­ply'd he) to make you a Husband. A­way filthy Fellow! said she, get you gone, or I shall call up my Servants to kick you down Stairs for your Impu­dence. Nay Madam, reply'd he, be not Angry, for I cou'd but ask you, and if you won't, another will.

97.

Some married Persons going by the place, where the Royal Oak Lottery was kept, a Motion was made, to go in and try their Luck: says one, None but Cuckolds have any at Gaming; says his Wife, However, Husband try, for I am confident you cannot miss of a good Chance.

98.

A soft headed Gentleman, [...] Estate, having his Child put to Nurse by the order of his Wife, in his Ab­sence, would needs go to see how i [...] throve; and finding the Nurse to be a [Page 73]married Woman, grew out of humour, and said, It was sit a Virgin, Chamber-Maid Nurses, and not Marry'd Nurses, should have the suckling of Gentlemens Children; for they consequently have the best Milk: giving his Reason, That Virgin-Milk must be as pure as Virgin-Honey, or Pullets Eggs: And such a one he would provide. Alas, Sir, said she, there are none such to be sound amongst us simple People in the Coun­trey; but if you go to the Intelligence Offices in London, you may have a Wet-Chamber-Maid recommended to you, but I hardly believe you will find a Vir­gin there that gives suck.

99.

A Gentleman who had a monstrous great Nose, coming often to Dine at a Nobleman's who kept a Fool, the Fool would [...] staring and fleering at [...], See there! See there! [...] Nose that Man has! Which sometimes occasioned laughter in the Company, but made the Owner of the Nose fret, though he could not tell how to help himself. His Business lying fre­quently [Page 74]here, one day met the Fool privately, and told him, He would give him Sixpence, if he'd promise to twit him with his great Nose no more. The Fool promised he would be his Friend in it, and so they parted. But the Gen­tleman sitting at Dinner, when time came, as usual, in comes the Fool, and thinking to do the Gentleman a Cour­tene, by retracting what he had said, cry'd out, That Man has no Nose at all! No Nose at all! No Nose at all! and so he continued bawling; which occasion'd more laughter than before.

100.

These sort of Fools are sometime very malicious, and bloodily revenge­ful, for any Aff [...]onts they receive: A [...] a poor Fellow, a Carpenter, once sadly experienced, who having anger'd a Nobleman's Fool, by throwing Water i [...] his Face, he kept his Resentments t [...] himself, but watched an Opportunity. The Man not thinking any harm, a [...] ­ter Dinnor, it being het Weather, la [...] at his length, upon a Log, a-sleep, wit [...] his Axe by him; with which the Foo [...] [Page 75]being a sturdy Fellow, with one strong blow struck off his Head, and hid it in the Saw dust: Then running in a doors, he fell into a fit of laughter, till he dri­vel'd again: And being ask'd why he did so? Oh! said he, the bravest funn that ever you heard of. What is that, Jack, said one of the Servants? Why, reply'd he, I laugh to think, when the Carpenter wakes, how like a Fool he'll look without his Head, and lose his Af­ternoon's work, to find it out where I have hid it.

101.

A Country Fellow, ditching by the Way-side, happen'd, as some Persons were riding along, to see a Hundred Pound Bag drop out of a Portmantua; which he carefully took up and carry'd to his Wife, whithout opening. She knowing him to be a soft-headed Fellow, and fearing he would discover it, threw it aside, saying, What d'yee bring this Pudding bag of Dirt to me for? you might have as well have stopp'd a gap with it. Truly, Sweet-heart, says he, I found it, and thought it might have [Page 76]been worth something; but if it ben't, it is but my labour lost. Come, Come, says she, you are simple, and must go to School, to learn to Read and Write, and then you may get into a better Em­ployment. E'en what you will, Sweet­heart, said he; and so the old Blade was sent to learn his Horn-book; till by the Childrens laughing at him, he grew weary of it, and returned to his former Business. The Parties who had lost the Money, upon their return from London, enquired all along the Road, if any such Bag was taken up; and remembring they had seen this Man at work, asked him. Who answered, Yes; and his Wise had it at home. So home they went with him: But the woman stifly deny'd it, saying, He was foolish and phrensical, and sometimes talk'd idly, and therefore they ought not to give cre­dit to what he said. But they insisting on it, she desir'd them to ask him when it was that he sound it? Why, reply'd he among all the days of the year, I very well remember, it was the day before I first went to School. At this they fell a laughing, and thinking indeed he was crack-brain'd, departed, satis­fied [Page 77]with what the Woman had told them.

102.

A Usurer having lost an Hundred Pounds, put out Ten Pounds Re­ward for any that should bring it him. A tender-conscienc'd Man finding it, brought it to him, demanding the T [...] Pounds. Then, to baffle him, he al­ledg'd, there was a Hundred and Ten Pounds in the Bag, when lost; but up on breaking-open the Seal, there ap­pear'd no more than an Hundred. The Man Arrested him for his Promise; and it coming to be Try'd before a Judge of Nisi Prius, it appearing the Seal had not been broken-open, nor the Bag ripp'd, says the Judge to the Defendant, The Bag you lost had a Hundred and Ten Pounds in it, you say? Yes, My Lord, said he. Then, reply'd the Judge, ac­cording to the Evidence given in Court, this cannot be your Money, for here was but a Hundred Pounds; therefore the Plaintiff must keep it till the true Owner comes, and you must look for your Hundred and Ten Pounds where you can find it.

103.

A weighty Cause coming before a corrupt Judge, he took Bribes on both Sides: One gave him a Coach, and the other a pair of fine Horses; so that he that gave the Horses, had the Cause: Oh, Coach! then said the other, thou art gone the wrong way! Said the Defen­dant, How could you expect otherwise? for you might well think, where my Hor­ses draw, your Coach must follow.

104.

A foolish Aft [...]ologer being Jealous of his Wise, not without reason, resolv'd to try, by his Art, whether he was a Cuckold, or no. Of which her Gal­lant hearing, sent him these Lines:

105.

A Gentleman whose Mistress, with Vows and Protestations, had affur'd him a lasting Love and Constancy: yet finding, through her Dissimulation, that she was fickle and wavering; to shew the little Credit he gave to her Pro­testations, wrote these Lines:

106.

Two Fellows reeling, drunk, fell into a Gravel-Pit; and imagining they fell into the Trap-door of a Cellar, one cry'd, Ho! Jack! where are you? Why, said he, I am searching about to find the Taps, that I may let all the Drink out. That's well done, says t'other; and I am clambering up, to pull down the Sign: We'll teach 'em to leave their Cellar-door open, at this time of Night, to catch Travellers.

107.

A Country 'Squire coming up to Town, and being at a Tavern among his Acquaintance, and complained he had had his Pocket pick'd in a Crowd, as he came along. Says the Country Blade, I defie any one to pick mine; for I always carry my Hands in 'em. I'll wager a Guinea, to be spent, says another, that you shall not go to Smith­field-Rounds, but you shall lose your Wa­ger. Done, said he. And so, while they drunk about, the Party sent for [Page 81]Two notable Proficients in the Mystery of Diving and Sharping, gave 'em a sight of our Country 'Squire, told them the way he was to go, and that he pur­posed to carry in his Mouth a Broad-Piece of Gold, mark'd with a (W.) This will be hard to get: however, said they, we'll try our Skill: and so being promised a Crown, and Indemp­ [...]y, they watch'd hi [...] setting out and followed him. Coming to the [...], while he flood looking about [...] one of them pull'd out a Handker [...] and, as by chan [...] scatter'd some [...] and Farthings: Thereupon, crying [...] undone, if they stood not by him to prevent a Scramble! Our Country­man, among the rest, was busie, and pick'd up some; which he gave him Then his Comrade asked him if he had all? No indeed, said he, I want a Broad-piece of Gold, that I highly prize, be­cause it was given me by my Grand­mother, upon her Death bead. Why, said the other, I saw this Country-man put it into his Mouth. Then said he, if it be mine, it is mark'd with a (W.) The Country 'Squire deny'd not that he had such a Piece, but said it was his [Page 82]own: however, the Rabble gathering about him, and crying out, Knock him on the Head, for a Rogue! he was forc'd to deliver it. So away the two Sharpers went, and deliver'd it to the Party that had set them at work; who gave them the promis'd Reward. At last, in came our country Blade very melancholy, owned his Wager lost, and said, He fear'd, if he stay'd long in London, he should have his Teeth stole out of his Head, at this rate: therefore he would down into the Country again, where there was no Cheating but among Great Men and Jockeys at Horse-Races, and Ladies at Cards.

108.

One having lost a Watch, and com­ing into the Company of an arch Poet, upon telling his lamentable Disaster, One desir'd a Verse or two to be made on it, as a Memento to others: Which run thus:

109.

One following a Gentlewoman, and passing her, turn'd back to look in her Face, and said, Madam, you are ex­ceeding Handsome. I wish, Sir, said she, without wronging my Judgement, I could return you the like Complement. A Pox take your Scruples! reply'd he; Why can't you tell a Lye for me, as well as I have told one for you?

110.

A Gentlewoman desiring to know of a Physitian, Whether the Milk of a Cow might not do as well as Asses Milk, so much cry'd up, upon that account? Truly, said he, every thing ought to have Milk of its Kind; my Patients ought to have Affes Milk: but if any other Doctor has Calves to his Patients, Cows Milk is proper.

111.

A noted Bawd being sent to Bridewell, for occasioning the debauchery of a [Page 84]young Gentlewoman, by enticing her to the lascivious Embraces of a Spark, for a Summ of Money, she fell sick and died there, leaving much Wealth behind her, ordering, by her Last Will, Five Guinea's for a Funeral Sermon; in the Conclusion of which, the Minister was to give her a good Character. But not knowing what to say of her who had lead so leud a Life, lest he should be ban­ter'd upon, as one of her Customers, he got a Stranger to Preach: Who, after [...] said, It is, I doubt not, ex­pected, but that I should say something in behalf of the Party deceased: All that can be said, is, She was Born well, Brought-up well, Liv'd well, and Dy'd well: being born at shadwell, brought-up at Camberwell, living a House-keeper at Clerkenwell; and, lastly, my Beloved, dying in Bridewell.

112.

An ignorant Country Lad being cited, among the rest of the Parish-Children, upon a Visitation, to be Catechized; after some othee had answered, the Commandments came to his turn to re­peat: [Page 85]And being asked, how many there were? he stood gaping, as if he had heard Dutch spoken. What! said the Minister, Can a Fellow of your Age be ignorant of this Question? I though you had known them, and kept them too? No indeed, reply'd be, very seriously, I never kept any thing in my life, but my Father's Sheep.

113.

A Country Woman having sent her Son with a Basket of Medlers, to a Lady that was her Landlady; he, though very clownish, thought, however, to bestow a Complement upon so fine a Woman, at the delivery, said, Forsooth, my Mother has sent you a whole Peck of Open-Arses; but let me tell you, by the way, if you don't keep them till they are as rotten as a Turd, they will not be worth a Fart. The Lady smiling at his Manners, gave him a Shilling. Soon after, the Mother came with her Rent; and being sat at Dinner, the Lady was telling her what a pretty Boy she had, but withal, very Clownish, and told her likewise what he had said. Was he so [Page 86]Unmannerly, notwithstanding the good Breeding I have bestow'd on my self, (says the Woman, starting up in a Rage,) Ne'er stir! Madam, if I don't go home and whip the Rascal till he beshits him­self agen! This turn'd some squeamish Stomachs; but the Lady smiling at it, said, No, No, you shall not beat him; for I see he was no better taught.

114.

A Lady having cast a Person at Law, who contended with her for great a part of her Estate, in Joy for her Success, invited her Tenants to a splendid Dinner; and telling them the cause of it, said, You see, my honest Neighbours, my Right has, at last, taken place, and my Adversary is frustrated of his unjust Ex­pectations. Upon this, up starts a blunt Country, and thinking to pass a Com­plement, said, Madam, i always thought he took the wrong Sow by the Ear, when he meddl'd with your Lady­ship.

115.

Some Gentlemen coming into an Inn, in London, in cold Weather, and per­ceiving the Carriers and Porters had wedged in the Fire, that they could not come at it; One wink'd at the Hostler, and bid him fetch Half of Peck of Oysters, and give them to his Horse. At this some star'd, and others laugh'd. Why, Good Fellows, said he, if you knew what kind of Horse mine it, you would not think it strange; for he's a Sea-Horse, and only feeds upon Shell-Fish. At this they all start up, and run to see him, as some strange Wonder; whil'st the Gentlemen and his Com­panions possessed their warm Places, and left them in the Cold, to fret at their folly, in being so dexterously out-witted.

116.

A Man that had marry'd a bitter scolding Wife, that worry'd him almost out of his Life, being frighted one Even­ing, as he was coming home, by a [Page 88]Phantom, or Spirit, which, as it drew nigher, put him into a sweating and trembling Condition, Oh! said he, if thou art a Good Spirit, thou wilt do poor Mortals no Injury; but if thou art a Bad One, and belongest to the Devil, there is all the reason in the world thou should'st spare me, because I am so nearly related to thy Master, as having but newly marry'd his Sister.

117.

A Fellow suspecting himself to be a Cuckold, resolved, by a Stratagem, to get Confession of it from his Wife; and thereupon getting a great many Coc [...]s Spurs, with some Glew, demanded the Question? But she deny'd it. Well, said he, for all this, I know I am so; and I have been with a Cunning-Man about it, and he has found out, that you have play'd false with me once, and see here thereupon a Horn risen on my Fore-head; and he tells me, next time I come. he will raise as many Horns, by his Art, to upbraid you, as the times you have been false to my Bed. O dear Husband! said she, don't go to him no [Page 89]more, lest you become a Monster all over.

118.

An old Woman, of Fourscore, having marry'd a lusty Fellow of Five and twen­ty; and he using her scurvily, which made her crawl to a Justice's, to make her Complaint, and get a Warrant, in order to Bind him over to his Good-behaviour: Where she was reproved, for being so foolish to marry in her Old Age, when she ought to have minded better things, as having one Foot in the Grave. What! reply'd she, very angrily, wou'd you have me turn Whore?

119.

A Fellow having Indicted a Butcher of Picadilly, at the Old-Baily, for stealing his Sow, produced the Sow's Head, which was found in his Powdering-Tub, as an Evidence of the Fact. Says the Court, did you shew this to any body, as soon as you found it? Yes, (says the Fellow, mistaking by speaking too ea­gerly, I carry'd the Justice's Head be­fore [Page 90]the Sow, and there the Prisoner confess'd the Fact.

120.

A Country Fellow driving a Team, and the Fore-horse being very sat, the rest lean, two Lawyers overtaking him, one said to the other, let us joak upon this Fellow? A Match (said the other.) Good Fellow, says the former, what is the reason that your Fore-Horse is so plum, and full of flesh, and all the rest are of Pharaoh's lean Kine? O, Sir. says he, he is the Lawyer, and the rest are the Clients.

121.

A Welsh-man having sold a great Estate in the Mountains, and in the Val­leys, came up to London with a full Purse; and seeing a Gentleman give Five Pounds for a Hawk, cheapned and bought one at the same price, and im­mediately rung off his Neck. And be­ing ask'd the Reason for so doing? He reply'd, Plut, was let bur English-men know hur was a Shentleman of Wales, and [Page 91]cou'd afford to eat as good a Bird as the best of 'em all.

122.

A Spark that lodg'd in a House where there was a brisk Landlady, whose Hus­band was none of the ablest in Perfor­mance; he coming into her Chamber, one day, in the absence of the Good-Man, said, He hoped she would be kind to him? Why, when, said she, was I ever otherwise? Ay, but I mean, said he, in another manner? Why, truly, this is the first time you ever ask'd me, and I should be uncivil, to refuse your first Request. This coming briskness dashed the Gallant out of countenance, and made him willing to be off agen, as at that time not well provided; and thinking, by this means to do it, said, Madam, One thing I'll barr. What's that? said she. Why, reply'd he, That you shall not cry-out? Puh! reply'd she, trouble not your self about that; but if you barr any thing, barr the Door, to prevent a Surprize.

123.

A Country Girl, newly come to a London-Service, looking over the Shoul­ders of some that were at Cards; a Man that was hem'd in, said, Prithee, Sweet-heart, go into the Yard and make. Wa­ter for me, for I can't get out. To which the harmless Wench simply reply'd, Truly, Sir I can't do it now; for I just made Water in the Back-Room: but when I have a Need agen, I'll do't for you, with all my heart.

124.

A lusty Country Lass, gathering Ap­ples, venturing too far, and over-reach­ing her self, slipp'd her Hold, and dropt with her Legs between the Forks of a Bough; which stripp'd up her Cloaths, that she hung naked to the navel, kick­ing and sprawling, and crying out for Help. A Fellow that was Thrashing, ran immediately to relieve her, setting the Ladder to that Bough: But as he was going up, what through fear, shame, and struggling to unloose her self, her [Page 93]Flood-gate burst open, whil'st she cry'd out, Don't look, Harry! Don't look, Harry! Zuz' and fut'! Look! quo'thee? Why, thou hast so blinded me with Urine, that I can hardly find my way to thee.

125.

A Miller having a good quantity of Corn come to be Ground, in his ab­sence; when he came home, with his Dish in his Hand, demanded, who had taken Toll? That have I, said the Wife: And I, said the Boy: And I, said the Maid. Well, said he, I shall believe ne'er a Rogue nor Whore of you all: for this is such a Lying Age, that a Man ought not to believe any thing but what he sees which his own Eyes; therefore, to be upon sure grounds, I'll take it my self.

126.

A Man and a Woman, after hot Words, falling, together by the Ears in the Street, a great Crowd was gathered about them: Among the rest, an Old [Page 94]Woman crowded in, to know what was the occasion of that Tumult? and de­fir'd a man that stood by her, to inform her how it began? You're a Whore! says he: And you're a Rogue, reply'd she, to call me Whore. Why, e'en so, Mo­ther, said he, the Quarrel began.

127.

Two Women falling out in Kent-street, after many hard Words had pass'd on both Sides, says one, You had not only a Great-Belly when you was Married, but have made your Husband a Cuckold divers times since. The Man, who was a Taylor, and at work in a Garret cross the way, hearing this, could hold no longer, but put his Head out of the Window; and calling aloud. What's that she says, Sweet-heart? Why, my Dear, reply'd his Wife, she says you're a Cuckold. Do's she so, said he? Had she call'd me Ass, or Puppy, or any such sociable Creature, I cou'd have borne it; but this Reflexion is insuffe­rable: therefore, Come up presently; carry my best Cloak to the Broaker's, and pawn it for Ten Groats; I'll have [Page 95]a Warrant for her, and ruine her, what­ever betides me.

128.

A Journey-man and the Man of the House's Sister being very intimate, had often private Conversation when the rest were a bed; and one Night, among other gamesome Frollicks, a large Smock hanging upon the Line by the Fire, the Man handling it, said, VVhose Shift is this, Mrs. Sarah? VVhy, 'tis mine, reply'd she. Indeed, said he, you are very extravagant; half the Holland would have serv'd. No indeed, reply'd she, it would not; for it is never a whit to wide, as the Fashion is now. VVhy, said he, I'll wager you a Treat of Ten Shilling, it is big enough for us both, if our Cloaths were off? Done! said she; and immediately they stripp'd. (it not being the first time they had been so, upon other Occasions;) but forcibly thrusting their Arms streight in the Sleeves, (tho' the Wager was yielded,) they could not get them out agen, but resolved to tear one of the Sleeves upon a Tenter-hook belonging to the Shelf [Page 96]where the Pewter stood: in order to which, they got upon a Joynt-stool, and having fasten'd the Linnen, jumpt down, and pull'd after them the Shelf, and all the Pewter. This unlucky Accident very much furpriz'd 'em; and no less the Master, and the rest of the Fa­mily, who imagining there were Thieves in the House, arm'd themselves accor­dingly with Spits, Forks, Tongs, and such like Weapons; the Master, as Cap­tain, marching in the Front, saying to the others, Come, Boys, be of good Courage, you know the old Saying, One honest Man is stouter than Ten Thieves; Come on, I say; for I question not but we shall quickly oblige them to yield, when one they perceive our Courage and Resolution. Thus marching down the Stairs, as resolute as an Army of Soldiers at the besieging of a City, upon the Promise of Free-Plunder, they search'd first in one Room, then in another, still meeting with nothing that might oppose them; but at length, coming into the Room where the Pewter was wont to stand, instead of taking the Game they hunted for, they were more surprised than before, [Page 97]at the sight of this unexpected and seem­ingly monstrous Object, not knowing what to make on't, considering they had unluckily put out the Candle in their striving to get out of the Smock, but only they might discern something all white, with Two Heads, and Four Legs moving upon the floor, by the small light which the Fire gave them: This struck such a Terror upon them all, that none of 'em durst attempt to approach nigh it. All this while our entangl'd Couple lay strugling, and sweating on the ground, not daring, through fear and shame, to make them­selves known to their affrighted Be­holders: Till the Master of the House, being more couragious than the rest, boldly resolv'd to discover what it was; and coming towards 'em, was about to stick the Spit which he had in his Hand thorough the Body of this supposed Monster; but the Woman perceiving the up-lifting of his Hand, skreamed out, saying, Oh, Brother! Mercy! Mercy, for Heav'ns sake1 it is I, it is I, your distressed Sister, and unfortunate Journey-man, Richard, who innocently sporting together, have [Page 98]most unhappily twined our selves in this manner; out of which it is impos­sible for us to get free, without some Assistance from your helping hand therefore, I beseech you, as a tender Brother, have some Compassion for your miserable Sister, and her unhappy Com­panion, in the Condition we are now in, and our urmost Endeavours shall be, for the future, to retaliate your Kindness in the highest manner we shall ever be capable of performing; (the Fellow groaning and sighing all the while, not speaking one word for himself, but ex­pecting to be sent immediately into the other World, for the Affront put upon his Master, in being so over-familiar with his Sister.) Her Brother starting, to hear his Sister's Voice, fancy'd himself to have been in a Dream, by reason he perceiv'd some small familiarity betwixt them at other times: But her repeated Importunities and Crying out, soon convinc'd him of the Reality of what he before but barely imagin'd. And considering withal, what an Odium their Family would undergo, first turn'd his Sister upon the Man, resolving at once to pin them both to the ground [Page 99]with his Spit; and was just ready to pierce it through their Bodies, had not another of the Family, who perceived now the worst of the Danger, fortu­nately stepp'd in, and stopping his Hand, prevented the fatal stroke, and interceded for their Pardon. The Bro­ther, at first, could not easily be appea­sed; but his Passion abating, and consi­dering, the best way would be, to keep it as private as they could from the Ears of their Neighbours, he promised to unloose them; but with this proviso, That they should tye themselves faster by a Matrimonial Conjunction, and by that means prevent the Scandal which unavoidably would be brought upon their Family. To this they very joyful consented; and lovingly Kissing as they lay on the ground, swore Constancy and Fidelity to each other, and in a few days after were marry'd accordingly, and liv'd very happily together for many years, but vow'd never to get both at once into the Smock agen.

129.

A Gentleman coming along the Road, and seeing a blind Man carrying a Cripple on his Back, and being Poe­tically given, thus descanted on them:

130.

A company of pretended Cripples, with counterfeit Sores, false Legs and Arms, sitting begging at the bottom of a Hill where a Country Fair was kept; a mad Fellow, to try an Experiment, crying, Have among you, Blind Harpers! rowled down a Garden Rowling-stone, directly aimed at them. But they fore­seeing the danger, cut the Strings that tied up their true Legs, and fell to scam­pering, as nimbly as Boys of sixteen.

131.

A Gentleman seeing a Fellow a Lousing himself underneath a Hedge, in a miserable tatter'd Condition; Friend, says he, How come you to be in this poor Equipage, seeing you have such abundance of live Cattle to dispose of? Alas! Sir, reply'd he, that is my misfortune: for although I have a large Stock, I'm forc'd to keep it in my own Hands, for want of a Chapman; and shall be constrained to do so still, unless your Worship will be pleas'd to take them off, at reasonable Rates.

132.

A merry Poet having marry'd a shrew'd Wife, soon repented his Bar­gain, and complained; and thus fabled:

133.

A Country Gentleman have mar­ry'd a rich Citizen's Daughter, she car­ried down a large Monkey with her: which being chained at the Parlour-door, an Old Woman who was his Tenant, coming to speak with him, took it for his Page, and making a reverend Court'sie, said, Pray, young Gentle­man, Is your Master within? At which Pugg grinn'd and chatter'd. Why truly, said she, this is very un­civil, to flout at a Woman that is old enough to be your Mother.

134.

A Welsh-man coming to London, and seeing a Jackanapes sitting behind the Counter, in a Shop, went in, putting off his Hat, and desired hur to give [Page 103]hur a Groat and Eight Tokens for half a Shilling. The Jackanapes took the Money, and whip'd it into the Chink, and then sat him down again very gravely. The Welsh-man making a clamour for his shange, the Master came out, and sternly demanded, Whether he came to rob his Shop, or not? No, (reply'd he) but hur come to shange Half a Shilling. Where is it? (said the Master of the Shop.) Why (reply'd Shon ap Shinkin) hur gif it to hur aged Father here, and hur have put it into that Hole. The Shop-keeper laughing at this, gave him Six-pence, without further Enquiry, and so dismist him.

135.

A Fellow for Forgery, being adjudged to lose his Ears, and the hangman, upon search missing them, said, Thou art an errant Cheat; for thou hast not only deceived others, but even me, who am the very Hand of Justice. Why Block­head, (said he,) Am I bound to find every Rascal Ears to cut off, ad infinitum.

136.

A Man and his Wife falling out, among other Reproachss, she clapping her Hands, cry'd, Ah, you Cuckoldly Rogue! Huswife (said he) if I am a Cuckold, how the Devil came you to know it?

137.

A Man riding along a Road that pas­sed through a Corn-Field, said to a Swin­herd, You have a troublesome fort of Cattle to deal withal. Yes truly (said the Swinhe [...]d) they are so, and know not a Letter but what I teach them. Why (said the other) do they understand Letters? I can't tell that, (again reply'd the Swinherd,) they understand my Instructions well enough, and one ano­ther too. Why (said the Traveller,) What says that Hog that is pressed by the other? Alas, poor Soul! (reply'd the Swinherd,) he bids him lye further off, and complains that he hurts his Shoulder. Why truly (said the Man) thou art the first Hog School-Master I [Page 105]ever met with, in all the Travels of my whole Life.

138.

A Man commending his Wife, for the great Love she bore him, another would [...] it. Why (said he) it [...] appears in this; As soon as [...] takes a pleasure to remove into the very place where I have lain. Ay (said the other) that makes it plain­ly appear, that she loves your Absence better than your Company.

139.

A conceited Spark, who would be often thrusting himself into Ladies Com­panies, one day bragging of the Favour they allow'd him, and that they were proud to accept of his Favours, fre­quently begging one thing or other of him. This, Sir, (said an arch Wag that sat by,) is very true; for I my self have heard them intreat, that you would be­stow your very Absence on them.

140.

A Man and his Wife having agreed in bed, in a cold Night, That whoever spoke first, should arise and shut the Door, which they had accidentally left open: In the mean while, a rambling Fellow, that was shut out of his Lodg­ing, and a little in drink, came re [...]ling in; and finding a Bed, crept in, the two Parties lying all the while silent: but by and by the Husband perceiving how it was with his Wife, could hold no longer, but said, Why do you suffer this? O Husband! (reply'd she,) you have spoken first, therefore you must rife and shut the Door.

141.

A Youngster newly come from the University, who had not sown his wild Oats, being put into a small Living in the Country; long he had not been there, but a Complaint was made by a precise Non Con, That he had play'd at Cudgels behind the Church, on a Sunday, after Sermon. His Patron check'd him [Page 107]highly for it, telling him, the Scandal reflected upon himself, for placing such a One in the Cure. Why, Sir, (re­ply'd he,) what would you have me do? I am placed over a Company of Block­headed People, that forget all that I say to them, before they get out of the Church-yard; therefore seeing Words are not of force sufficient to penetrate their thick Skulls, I could consider of no better way, than to beat my Instructions into their Heads, that they might carry them home in their remembrance, and edifie accordingly.

142.

An arch Spark being carried before a Justice who was none of the wisest, for running his Sword thorough a Tanner's Dog, that breaking out of the yard, as­saulted him as he was walking by the Door. Sirrah! (said the Justice,) How durst you kill this honest Man's Dog? you, no doubt, have a design to rob the House. No indeed, Sir, not I; but I'll show you how it was (said he:) The Dog leaped over the Pails, and came running full at me, as I do at you, with [Page 108]a Bough, Wough, Wough; and hereupon the Justice, being troubled with the Gout, and sitting in a Chair, he quite over-threw him, Chair and all: Where­upon he cried out, Oh! this murther­ing Rogue has kill'd me! Make his Mittimus, and send him to Goal; I'll have him hang'd, whatever comes on't. By this time he was helped up, and a little recovered; Come, Sirrah! (says he.) What is your Name? So and so (said the Gentleman, telling him what his Name was.) Why (said the Justice) that is My Lord such a one's Name. True, Sir, (reply'd the other,) and I am the Man. Oh! are you so? then I crave your Mercy, dear Sir, and the case is alter'd, (said the Justice;) and turning to the Tanner, with a very stern Coun­tenance, Sirrah! (says he,) How durst you let your Dog loose, to fly upon such a worthy Gentleman? Come, come, I'll teach you to take more care another time; Make his Mittimus, and send him to Goal. And accordingly he had been committed, had not the Gentleman in his Generosity excus'd him.

143.

A Woman at Wapping having lost some trivial Matters, was in a great hurry for her Hood and Scarf, to go to a Woman that profess'd the Art of Astro­logy (you must needs know.) Which a Boy about Eight or Nine Years old see­ing, said, Where are you running in such haste? Why (said she) to the Wise Woman. Oh, Mother! (reply'd the Boy,) then, good new, let me go with yee; for I never saw a VVife VVoman in my life, as yet.

144.

A Young Gentlewoman being forced, by the rigour of her Parents, into the Arms of an Old Man, for a great Estate, and frustrated of marrying One to whom she had given her Promise; the two Lovers, however, met privately, and had sundry Enjoyments; but at last, the jealous old Blade, by the Spies he had set, intrapp'd them: but they were so far from being 'frighted, that they boldly justified the Action, saying, They [Page 110]were, in Conscience, before God, Man and VVife. This vexed the Miser to the Heart; but not daring to demand Satisfaction with his Sword, he resolv'd to have it by Law, and accordingly Ar­rested the Gentleman for a 1000 l. Damages. But upon the Tryal, the Gentleman, who was well belov'd, had so many friends in the Jury, that upon the return of the Verdict, they brought in only a Mark Damage for the Plain­tiff. At which falling into a great rage, VVell (says he) Gentlemen, this is monstrous strange, that having proved my self a Cuckold upon Record, you should give me but a Mark! and so flinging out of the Court, said, I pray God that all your VVives may mark you as shamefully as mine has done me; and may your Horns be as long as Bar­ber's Poles.

145.

A conceited Fop having dressed him­self very gay, and being with his Mi­stress, often peep'd in the Glass, and careen'd his VVig; then strutting to­wards her, said, Madam, VVho do you [Page 111]think is the prettiest Man you ever saw? (imagining she would point out him­self;) but on the contrary, Truly, Sir, (said she,) the Man that is the most un­like you, of all Men living.

146.

Two Persons contending about Sing­ing, a Person whom they appointed to decide the Matter pretending to have Skill, but indeed had none, giving his Verdict apprently in the wrong: the injur'd Gentleman said, Now, Sir, I will tell you a Story: Once upon a time, when Birds and Beasts cou'd speak, a Cuckow and a Nightingale contended who sung sweetest, or gave the best con­tent to their Auditors; but not agreeing, it was put to the next Passenger to de­cide; which unluckily happen'd to be an Ass.

147.

Two Sharpers of the Town acciden­tally meeting, fays one, Come, Jack, since we are so happily stumbl'd upon one another, let us take a Pint together? [Page 112]A Match, (says the other;) and so they went into a Tavern. But drinking about for a while, when they came to examine their Pockets, they found them­selves deceived, one thinking the one had, and the other thinking the other had Money enough to defray the Char­ges, when, indeed, both of them could make but Eight Farthings. Hang it then (said the Inviter) we had as good be in for a great deal as a little, so they call'd lustily, till it came to a Crown; then looking out at the Window, as if they had been viewing the descent says one to the other, I have it now. Upon that, knocking, and desiring to speak with the Master, up he came: Sir, says one, we came hither about a Mathematical business, to measure from your Window to the Ground; I have lay'd upon 13 Foot, 9 Inches; my Friend on 13 Foot; and you are to be Judge, that I slip not this Line till he goes down to see whe­ther from this Knot (shewing it him,) which is just so much, it reaches the Ground. The Vintner was content. The other Sharper being below in the Street, cry'd, It did not reach by 11 Inches. Pray, Sir, says he to the Vint­ner. [Page 113]hold it here, till I step down and see; for I cannot believe him. So down he went, telling the Drawer he had pay'd his Master, and away they both scowr'd, leaving the String for his Reckoning.

148.

A Coffee-man of a very thick Skull, often bragging that a great Estate would fall to him before he dy'd; for a Gip­sey who had told him his Fortune, had assured him of it. A Person who had a mind to put upon him, coming in one day, as in pussing haste, said, Now, Mr. N. I come to tell you brave News: There is an Estate left you by One of your old Acquaintance. Who is that? (said he.) Nay, (said the other,) I am out of breath; Let us drink first, e're I tell further? With all my heart, Sir, (said the Coffee-man;) What will you please to drink? Command it, and it shall be at your Service? Why (said the Gentlemen) I think, a quart of Mum: And down thunder'd Ignora­mus to fetch it; when the Thoughts of this Estate employ'd his Faculties to that [Page 114]degree, that for haste, he came running up agen with his Spigot in his Hand, whil'st the Barrel of Mum run about the Cellar. The Gentleman minding him, could not forbear laughing: Which the other not regarding, insisted to know when he should be possessed of this great Estate he talk'd on? Why e'en (says the Gentleman) when you come to Years of Discretion, and can distinguish a Lye from an Aesop's Fable; and so lest him to be banter'd by the rest of the Com­pany.

149.

A grave Blade going by a House he had formerly frequented, seeing it shut-up; and a Bill to Lett it, he demanded what was become of the Owner of it? Why, reply'd one that stood by, he is gone off, and it is seiz'd upon for a Mortgage. Nay, said old Dry-boots, I found the House within so full of Meat and Drink, when I was there last, that I guess'd it would grow queasie-stomach'd in a short time, and spew out its Master.

150.

An aged Woman being very much indisposed, One came to comfort her, and asked if he should read by her? Yes, if you please, said she. And what shall I read? said be. Why truly, re­ply'd she, what you imagine best: but now I think further on it, continu'd she, I think it had best be Matrimony; for that has been very sweet and comforta­ble to me formerly; and may yet for ought I know, give some Ease and Re­freshment by the Power of Imagina­tion.

151.

A Man with a great red Nose, being a Passenger on Shipboard, was mighty timorous in a Storm: and though the Ship was in danger to be cast away, the Cabbin-Boy could not forbear laughing, though he receiv'd some Bastinado's for his unseasonable mirth. The Storm be­ing over, the Party demanded the Rea­son of his Laughter? Oh! said he, to think how your Nose would have [Page 116]whizz'd, if we had been cast-away; and made the Water boyl up, as you were going down to the bottom.

152.

A Person very mis-shapen, would, notwithstanding, have his Picture drawn: but being covetous withal, when it was finish'd, he would not pay the Price agreed on. Well, Sir, said the Limner, this is very unfair; however, I value it not a Pin, for I shall lose no­thing by it, though you think you have disappointed me. Why, what will you do with it? said the Gentleman: Puh! continu'd be, Who d'yee think will give any such Price as I now bid you, for another Man's Picture? Oh! said the Painter, it is but altering the Property a little, and that do's it. As how, pray? said the Gentleman. Why, said the Lim­ner, 'tis but putting a Tail to it, and it will pass for an excellent Babboon, to place in a Nobleman's House of Ease­ment. At this the Gentlemen storm'd and bluster'd at a high rate; but for fear he should do as he said, was forc'd to pay him his Price, and take it himself.

153.

A Student that was newly marry'd, being a Bed with his Wife, and being used, when single, to read himself a­sleep, call'd for his Book: But she ha­ving another kind of Lesson for him to read, call'd for her Wheel and Spindle. How! said he; What mean you by this, now 'tis late? Why truly, said she, that I may spin, whil'st you reel; for none but one reeling drunk, would study, by Book, for to learn the Bus'ness we have to do to Night, since every one has it by rote.

154.

A Sailor that had lost one of his Arms, marrying a Female that pass'd for a Virgin; but pretending to be a Critick in Maiden-heads, told her on the Wedding-Night, That she had put a butter'd Bunn upon him. No matter, said she, it is good enough for such a one as you, who are but Part of a Man. Why, you Drab, says he, Do you jear me for being maimed, when it was done, [Page 118]valiantly fighting with my Enemy? And why then, said she, do you upbraid me with what I have lost, amorously embracing with my Friend? Is it not better to be in Love, than Hatred? You lost by your Enemy, and I by my Friend; there's the difference, and so let us agree it.

155.

A poor Fellow who had a long time gone under a Scandal among the Wo­men, for his Insufficiency; several of them being got into a knot, chatting together, seeing him come along, some pointed at him with forked Fingers; others clapp'd their Hands, Ha loo, my Dog! When in the interim, a grave Matron, something more charitable (you must know) thrusting her self into the Gang of Gossips, without knowing the meaning of this Diversion, said, Oh! Fye upon you! How can you be so hard-hearted, as thus to abuse a poor Man, that does you no injury. Yes, says one, whispering to her, he has put the Cheat upon our Sex; for he has marry'd a brisk Woman, and has got nothing to [Page 119]satisfie her. Oh, Rogue! reply'd she, has he so? Then, Ha loo, my Cat too.

156.

A Cooper having a Wife that used to take too much of the Juyce of Barley over night, could not keep her Vessel from leaking a-bed: For which he cha­stising her one morning with a Hoop­stick, divers of her Gossips came to inter­cede for her: some chid him, and others intreated, saying, she was the weaker Vessel. Why, Goody Prattle, said he, that's the reason I am about my work; for when she's well hoop'd, she will be stronger, and hold her Water the better.

157.

A Gentleman that used to Romance egregiously, cheapening a large Eel at a Fishmongers Stall, and being asked Half a Crown for it; Puh! says he, I bought one at Amsterdam, as thick and as long as the May- [...]olen the Strand, for that Price, my Man here can justifie it. Truly said his Man, (willing to bring his Master off, because the Fishmonger [Page 120]thought it incredible,) I think, Sir, it was scarce so long, considering the Chimney it was roasted in, but I be­lieve it might be as thick.

158.

An Apothecary having over charged his Brain at a Tavern, and no Coach to be got, he was put into a Basket, and the Porter sent home with him on his Back. Being asked by the Watch, What he had got there? replied, Only A-Pot. I carry.

159.

A Taylor being rampant in the ab­sence of his Wife, strowling the Streets for a bit of Harlotry, cruising too near danger, fell foul of a Fire-ship; which firing his Main-Yard, that communi­cated the flame to other Parts: so that for fear of sinking into another World, he found himself constrained to be re­fitted at a Bottom-Menders (call'd a Sur­geon,) who in his Bill, reckon'd him such an extravagant rate, viz. 70 l. that he would not pay it without Refe­rence: [Page 121]And Two of the Profession, not to lower the Value of so great a Cure, brought it in, That it was a very Reasonable Bill: So that altho' Mr. Stitch grumbl'd, he was obliged to pay it. But resolving to be even with him, and not to be out-lengthen'd in his bill, brought him in Eighty Pounds for a Suit and Cloak: Which Two Taylors judged, upon reference, to be very Rea­sonable. By which means he out-wit­ted his Doctor, got his Money, the Va­lue of the Cloaths, and his Cure, for Nothing. This for the Honour of the Tailors, and the Conscience of either Calling.

160.

A handsome young Woman being marry'd to a rich Man who had lost his Sight by a Blast of Powder, some blam'd her for it; but an arch Wag, to vindi­cate her, wrote thus:

161.

A scolding Woman being often re­proved for the sharpness of her Tongue, she justified, That it was the Woman's only Weapon, the Use of which they ought not to be denied, (as I find it in a certain Female Author; viz.)

162.

A Man having a very turbulent Wife, and she having tired him out with her Curtain-Lectures, he left the House, and plac'd himself upon a Chamomile-Bank in the Garden: Which she ob­serving, and resolv'd on a fuller Re­venge, threw the Chamber-Pot out of the Window, upon his Head. Well, said he, we must always expect a Shower after Thunder and Lightning.

163.

A Landlord coming one Morning to dunn a Tennant for Rent, found him standing in the Door-way, with his Eye full of Water. How now! said the Landlord; What's the matter with you? Why, reply'd the Tennant, the House smoaks so intolerably, there's no endu­ring it. I can't, believe that, said the Landlord; It never us'd to do so. Then, [Page 124]pray, said the Tenant, to be better satis­fy'd, go up and see. So up he went; and the Room being something dark, the Woman thinking it had been her Husband returned to have t'other Bout at Cudgels for the Breeches, fell to be­labouring him with the Broom-stick, crying, You Rogue! I thought I had bang'd you sufficiently! but now I'll do't to the purpose! And so drubbing him down Stairs, he caught his Tenant by the Hand, saying, Come along! Come along! I find your words true, There is no enduring it: Let us therefore to the next Ale-house, and consult how it may be remedy'd.

164.

A Young Woman being marry'd to a Man of Years, and having a brisk Ap­prentice, he perceiv'd by the Language of her Eyes, and some other Love-Motions, that she bid him come on if he dare: Therefore, his Master being out of Town, he resolving to run the hazard, got into her Bed, and lay as snug as a Thief in a Mill, expecting her coming: and accordingly she came, un­dress'd, [Page 125]and went in, not knowing of his being there; for he had hid himself over Head and Ears. But no sooner she perceived an unexpected Bed-fellow, but she started, and was about to cry-out. At which, he said, Pray, Mistress, don't be frighted; 'tis only I. You! Sirrah! you impudent Rogue! reply'd she; How came you here? Indeed. said he, now I consider better, coming up in the dark, I have mistook my Chamber; and heartily begging your Pardon, I'll retire. No, said she; now you are here, I command you to stay till Morning, that I may make you sen­sible of your VVeakness; but be sure you presume not the like again, for fear I should acquaint your Master with it.

165.

A downright Country Fellow, Son to a Farmer, having cast his Eyes upon another Farmer's Daughter, desired his Father to speak to her Father, that he might have her to Wife: (For it is the laudable Custome, in some Countries, for the Fathers to make up the Match between their Children, over a Pot of [Page 126]Ale, Unsight, Unseen, as the Coun­try Phrase is.) The Old Men agreed; and then came Dick to court his Mi­stress, and address'd himself to her in this Complemental manner. Well, Joan, Do'st thou know what my Va­ther said to thy Vather? No indeed, Richard, not I, reply'd she. Law yee now! said he; What a Vool was thy Vather, he did not tell thee? Why they have agreed, That you and I shall be buckled toge­ther, as Man and Wife. Alas! Richard, reply'd she, I believe you are but in Jest? Indeed and good troth, said he, I am in Earnest. I can't think it, said she; for I know you may have my Betters. That I know well enough, reply'd down-right Dick; but you shall serve turn, if you will: and without any more a-doe, I'll take thee, for better for worse, as thy Vather took thy Mother.

166.

A Man of a very squeamish Stomach, coming into a Cook's Shop, in Smith­field, to purchase a Dinner; but it being Bartholomew-Fair-time, and the People sweating at the Fire, and otherwise em­ploy'd, [Page 127]though he spoke several times, they minded him not: so that being overcome with the Steam of the Meat, and great Heat of the Fire, his Appe­tite went from him, and he was going out. The surly Cook, though before not at leisure, now clapt hold on his Shoulder, and charged him with Running away, and not Paying his Reckoning. The Man told him he had had nothing, but had filled his Belly with the Scent. Why, that's all one, said the Cook; a Belly-full's a Belly-full, though it be of Air; and you shall pay me for that, be­fore you go, seeing you have troubled my Shop. The Cook insisting on this, it was agreed to be put to reference: And in the mean time, a Natural Fool coming by, it was agreed, on both Sides, that he should decide it. Let me see, Mr. Cook, said the Fool, a couple of empty Dishes? Which were brought. Now, said the Fool to the other, Let me see a Piece of Mony? Which he pro­duced. Then he put the Mony be­tween the Dishes, and gingling it about, cry'd, Do you hear it, Mr. Cook? Yes, reply'd he; but I had rather have it in my Pocket. No, reply'd the Fool; my [Page 128]Award is, That you shall be satissy'd with the Gingling of the Money, as the Man was with the Scent of the Meat.

167.

A Person of Quality, desirous to beg a Gentleman for a Fool, thereby to get his Estate, made great Interest at Court in that Affair. But the Gentleman be­ing to have a Hearing, before it could be allowed, said, I wonder this Noble­man should be desirous to rob me and my Posterity, under pretence, That I am a Fool! Why, grant I am an Ideot; my Father that begot me was a Wise Man: And why then may not I, who am a Fool, beget wise Children? while this Nobleman, for ought I know, as Wise as he is, may have a Fool to his Son, as well as my Father. This reaso­nable Answer dash'd the Project; and the Nobleman had only a slap with a Fox's Tail, for his pains.

168.

A Fool coming to a Gentleman's House, and in the Tapestry-Hangings seeing the Picture of a Fool wrought in, he very fairly takes his Knife and cuts it out, and privately hid it. Soon after, running to the Master of the House, he said. Come, Harry, give me a Bottle of Sack, for saving your Hangings. How so! Jack! said the Gentleman; How have you sav'd'em? Were they on fire? No, reply'd he; but by cutting out the Picture of the Fool that was in them: for had my Master seen it, he would have begg'd them, as he did me and my Estate.

169.

A Person who was a great Eater and Drinker, delighting in Gluttony and Riot, courting, one day, a brisk young Widow, among other complemental Expressions, said, Madam, I love you as well as I do my own Soul: By all that's Good! — Nay, Nay, said she, inter­rupting him, you need not swear it; for [Page 130]by the course of Life you lead, it ap­pears, you have no regard for its wel­fare: but if you had said, You lov'd me as well as you do your Body, there might have been something in that; seeing you are at so great Care and Charge, in cramming it every day.

170.

A Country Fellow seeing the rude Rabble a pulling down a Bawdy-house, said, Ah! What a shame is this, to be suffered! For it they be thus permitted to go on, where, in a short time, shall we find a House standing in England?

171.

A Quaker having sold a Man a Horse, whose Eyes, though they appeared tol­lerably fair, were, nevertheless, stone-blind: so the Jockey asked him, after he had pay'd down the Mony, what Faults he had. Do'st thou see any in him! says yea and Nay. No, truly, re­ply'd the Jockey, not I. Then I'll affure you, said the Man of Conscience, upon the VVord of a Friend, he sees none in [Page 131]thee. And so, with a Quibble, the Biter was bit.

172.

A down-right Country Fellow being troubled with a Standing-Ague, which put him to pain, he went to a Quack-Doctor, and made known his Grievance to him: VVho with a Cloth, and cold VVater, reduced the rebellious Member to a quiet temper; for which he gave him Half a Crown. But a while after, being in the same Predicament, and go­ing for another Application, when in­stead of the Doctor, he found only his VVife at home; who being inform'd of his Grievance, took another way to cure him, with a more proper Remedy; the newness and strangeness of which so tickled his Conceit, that he offered her a Crown; but she having received her Satisfaction before, would take no Mony: so after many Scrapes and Cringes, he departed. But searce was he got a Bow­shoot from the House. e're the Doctor, coming homeward, espy'd him, telling the Gentlemen in his Company what he was, and upon what account he had [Page 132]been at his House; and, to please them, resolv'd to put a Joak upon Hob-nail: And well! says he, honest Fellow! How stands it now with you? I see you have been at my House again. In good vaith! Zur, reply'd he, it Stands not at all with me now; for your VVife put it into a warm place, and lay'd it presently, and for never a Varthing. At this the Doctor blush'd; and the Gentlemen laugh'd till their Sides ak'd, to find the Doctor so finely dubb'd of the Forked-Order.

173.

A Butcher being made Mayor of a small Corporation, his VVife fancy'd, that by reason of this new Honour, she should be highly reverenc'd by her Neighbours. So coming to Church the next Sunday just as the Creed began, the People all started up, it being usual to stand when it is reading; Mistress Mayoress imagining it was done in respect to her, cry'd out, VVell, good People, I see now, you have some good Breeding, and know how to behave your selves be­fore your Betters; for which you may [Page 133]expect my Husband's Kindness, before he goes out of his Place.

174.

A Country Fellow, that had never heard Cathedral Musick, coming into the Choir, and there lisming a while to the Organs and the melodious Harmony of the Singing Men, cry'd out, as if he had been transported, Lord! must I go to Heaven presently? Let me but go home first, and take leave of my Wife and Children, and then I'll go most willingly.

175.

A covetous fellow having an indiffe­rent Fortune, would often brag, how bravely he would live, if he could en­crease it to so much more: which, in process of time, happen'd according to his desire, with an Overpluss; and then he lived more niggardly than before, hardly allowing himself Necessaries for the Support of Life or Decency: When one day, passing by One's Door with whom he was at enmity, the Man stand­ing [Page 134]there, said, Well, Neighbour, you grow Richer and Richer; and I pray God to send you as much morre as you have. Why that Wish from you, said he, when I know you hate me? That makes me wish so, says the other, that you may double your Covetousness, and starve your self.

176.

A raw Country Wench being newly come to an Inn to live, a Gentleman ordered her to grease his Boots against Morning; which she accordingly did, and set them in a Loft where Rats were used to haunt, and several Holes were soon eat in them: which she finding, early in the Morning ran into the Gen­tleman's Chamber, in a great fright, crying out, Oh, Sir! the saddest and strangest News you ever heard in your whole Life! What is that? said he, (thinking no less than that half the Coun­try had been sunk by an Earthquake.) Why, said she, the Rats have eat your Boots, Man! And is that so strange! replied he; such Chances have often hap­pen'd: but if thou had'st brought me [Page 135]certain News, That my Boots had eaten up the Rats; that had been worth the hearing.

177.

A rich Miser having made a poor Man wait on him for some Mony he promised him; at last began to banter him, saying, If he could persuade him to it, he should have it. Well, said the other, there is but one thing now, that I would persuade you to, and that I would do, if it was possible. And what is that? said he? Prithee, let me know it? Why truly, reply'd he, to persuade you to hang your self, that the World might have one Knave the less in it.

178.

A brisk Lass, asking a Gallant, How it came to be a Custom, That the Men always make the first Address to the VVomen? That does not always hold good, replied he: but however, the rea­son is, Because the Men always come when they are prepared; but the VVo­men need no time for that, for they are ready at all times.

179.

A Fellow being to be Hang'd with others, for Robbing a House, his VVife came after him to the Gallows. At which he grew very angry, saying, Get you home Huswife, and wash your Dishes; there cannot be a Meeting in all the Country, but you must make one among them, with a Murrain t'yee!

180.

VVhen Popery, of late, began to be rampant in England, some Priests being jolly at a Tavern near Somerset-House, were disputing which was the Highest Saint. One said, St. Dominick; ano­ther, St. Ignatius: And so not agreeing, they resolved to put it to the Drawer, when he came up with the next Bottle. VVhich being done; Puh! said he; Can't you tell that? Every Fool that looks upon a Sign, can tell that. VVell! And which of them, say you, is the Highest? because you pretend to such Know­ledge? says he who had stood up for Igna­tius. Why, truly, reply'd the Drawer, [Page 137]St. George: for he rides a Horse bac [...], and all the rest go on Foot.

181.

A Man chiding his Younger Son, for being a Sluggard; said, His Elder Bro­ther had the good luck to be abroad early, before the Roads were much fre­quented, and had found a Bag of Mony. Ay, Father, said he; but the Owner, who got up so early, and lost it, had better have been a bed, as I am.

182.

Two Country Fellows going along the Streets, gaping all the way at the Signs, at last they came to that of the Mermaid; which put them to a stand, what to make of it. Oh! says he, now I know what it is; It is a Lady with a Fish in her Arse. Ay! but how got it in? says the other. It may be, reply'd his Companion, it might be, when she wash'd her self last in the Sea. This being learnedly discussed, one of them step­ping forward, and seeing the Sign of the Unicorn, cryed, Lau yee! Here is [Page 138]a stranger thing! What is this call'd? Why, you Fool! said the other: Don't you know what that is? Why, 'tis a Horse with a Barber's Pole in his Fore­head?

183.

An ignorant Blockhead, complaining for a great deal of Mony that was Owing him; was asked, who was his Debtor? reply'd, By one that had been dead seven years: yet he was resolved to sue him for it, for all that; for he should not think to cheat him so. At this the hearers began to laugh, telling him, the Dead are not sensible, nor ever pay Debts; therefore it was but a folly to expect it. Hey day! says he, that's very pretty, indeed! Why, by this means, when a Man has a mind to cheat all the World, it is but to die, and they may go look their Remedy.

184.

A Gentleman who took a great de­light in Cock-fighting, sent his Bag of Cocks, by an Irish Servant, to the Pit, [Page 139]where a great Match was to be fought [...]hat day, charging him to keep them [...]ose till he came. But O Donnel being [...]arly there, forgetting his Orders, re­solved to have a little Sport, to pass away [...]e time, and so threw the three Cocks [...]nto the Pit; who being of the right [...]rain, fell immediately together by the [...]ars, sometimes one to one, sometimes two upon one, and sometimes all in a huddle: whil'st O Donnel leapt and skipt about them, and challenging any one to wage Two new Halfpenny Half-Croon Pieshes which beat. But so mor­tal was the Combat, that two were kill'd out-right, and the other mortally wounded. His Master hereupon com­ing, and seeing what had happen'd, in a great Rage, said, You confounded Dog! How came this about? By my Shalwashion, Dear Joy, if dee wot no mauk mush anger, Y will tell dee, indeed: Y did pot dem down upon de plaush here, and dey did faul out, as if dey had never seen one anoder before: De'ell tauk'em, if Y did shee de like in all my life now, dat dey shou'd mauk such falling-out, and pot the kill upon one anoder, and yet be Broders, born and bred in one and de same Housh, is very [Page 140]strange, in good fait, metinks, truly, my Dear Joy!

185.

An Irish Footman coming to a No­bleman's House, desired of the Porter, that he might speak with his Lord, for he had earnest Bus'ness with him. He told him he was at Dinner, and he must wait till his Lord had Din'd. But he told him again, That his Business was so Earnest, that he could not stay two Moments. The Porter not knowing of what Concern it might be, whisper'd his Lord in the Ear; Who left the Ta­ble, and came out to him. Says Teague to him, Are you his Lord's Graush? Yes (sayd he;) What is your Business? Only, Y wou'd pray dee to do me de favour, to do me de kindnesh, to tell thy Man, Pa­trick, when he comes home, Y wou'd fain speak with him, about earnest business. And is this all (reply'd the Nobleman) that you have troubled me for? Yes, indeed, Joy, (said the other. Then (said the Nobleman) it will be requisite that I give you something in remembrance of it, and so order'd him to the Whip­ping-Post, [Page 141]where he received a Re­ward at the Hand of the Common Offi­cer, suitable to the Affront put upon so Noble a Gentleman.

186.

A French-man's Mony falling short, he was forced to buy a Fore Quarter of Mutton with a pair of Horns on it, for his Sunday's Dinner: but it being an un­usual Dish, he was non-pluss'd how to dress it; desiring the Butcher to give him a Receipt, how to order it. The which whil'st he was doing, a Dog snatch'd it off the Block where he had [...]aid it; and was got a pretty way, be­fore the People cry'd out, French­man! French-man! You have lost your Sheep's-Head. At which, turning about, and not finding himself capable of overtaking the Thief, says, Let him go, Let him go, like a Fool as he is; [...]or he'll be never the better for it, see­ing I have the Receipt, and he knows not how to dress it.

187.

Another of this Country, washing a parcel of raw Tripe at a Brook, which he intended to boyl for his Dinner; and having done, and laid it behind him [...] whil'st he was washing his Hands, [...] Dog came slily and stole it away. The [...] Monsieur being angry thus to be disap­pointed of his Dinner, a while after seeing the Dog, resolved to catch him [...] and chastize him; but the Curr shunn' [...] him: Whereupon, to allure him into his Clutches, he pull'd out his Bauble and shaking it, cry'd, Here Dog, M [...] Tripe; Mo Tripe, Dog. But the Cur [...] was too Old, to be caught with Chaff.

188.

A Fellow whose Name was Roac [...] reeling along by a River-side, and being lop-heavy, plung'd in, and lamentable cry'd out for help. But his Companic [...] being as drunk as he, minded him no [...] till he had scrabbled out of his own a [...] cord; then asked him how he fared [...] Oh! (said he that had been double [Page 143]dipp'd,) You are a trusty Stick, indeed; I might have been drowned, for what care you took of me. Truly, (says the other,) I thought there was no Danger, seeing you was but in your own Ele­ment.

189.

A drunken Fellow, reeling home in a frosty Night, when the Moon shone, finding himself very sleepy, laid him down on a Bank that discended sloap­ing into a shallow Ditch of Water; and with tumbling and tossing, slid with his Feet into it, and so lay snoring till Peo­ple came by, and found him in that posture: they jogg'd him hard, for a time, e're they could wake him at all; and then, between half-'wake and 'wa­king, he cry'd, Friends, Pray don't di­sturb my rest at this time a night, but go to your own Beds, for I can spare you no room; only lay a few more Cloaths upon the Feet, and don't put out the Candle.

190.

A drunken Fellow being brought be­fore a Country Justice, and upon the Interrogatories put to him, nothing could be got out of him, but that, Your Worship's wondrous Wise. So he was com­mitted to the Roundhouse that Night, and ordered to be brought in the Morning, when he should be sober. Then said the Justice, How now! Sirrah! How came you to so Drunk, last Night? Lay down your Ten Groats. Was I Drunk, (reply'd he;) indeed I know nothing of it. It may be so, (said the Justice;) you have slept since; but then nothing could be got out of you, but, Your Wor­ships wondrous Wise. Did I say so? (said the Fellow.) Yes, (said the Justice; here are several to witness it. It needs not, (reply'd the Fellow;) I'll take your Worship's Word: and if I did say so, I'm sure I was Drunk; and it is but reason, that I should pay, for putting such an Affront upon you, that you little de­serve from any body's mouth; thorefore give me Two-pence, and here is Three and Six-pence.

1

THree Men walking in the Fields, about the beginning of Harvest-time, cryes one on a sudden, Look yonder, Tom! there's a bunch of Red Black-berries already! At which [...]e laugh'd, crying, It was a Bull. Why [...]o! (says the third,) Are not Black-berries Red when they are Green?

2.

A Country Gentleman having a grea­ter Estate, than Stock of Understanding, being upon hard Travel, the Horses tier'd, so that he was forced to put into an Inn: but not liking his Accommoda­tions, and being withal in haste to see a Mistress he was going to be married to, the Bargain being already made by Proxy, he fell a swearing at his Coach-man, for not driving on. Sir, said the Coach-man, the Horses are able to go no further. Why, hang 'em then, for founder'd Jades, leave 'em in the Inn, and drive on the Coach without 'em.

3.

Two Irish-men seeing a Great Officer in a Mazarine Blue Coat, Embroider'd with Silver; says one to the other, Dat [...] is very pretty Garshment; Y wou'd pot great [...] kindnesh upon any one dat wou'd be so shive [...] as to put such a one upon my Bauk, just now [...] Ah! (said the other,) Dear Joy, if [...] cou'd get a Scarlet S [...]oat of dat colour, how very fine shou'd Y then be, indeed now!

4.

A Fellow having footed it much, till the Soles of his Shoes were about to leave the Upper-Leather, went to a Transla­tor, and making some wry Faces, told him, He would give him three-half-pence, which was all the Mony he had in the World. Give it me! (says S. Hugh;) I prithee, for what? Why, (reply'd the other,) only to do me the kindness to put two Heel-pieces on the Toes of my Shoes, to keep the Water out.

5.

A simple Fellow that had stole a Horse, being before a Judge, and ha­ving some odd Notions, buzz'd into his Head, he pray'd him to direct the Jury to find him guilty of Manslaughter, and not of Felony; for he had rather be Burnt in the Hand, than Hang'd.

6.

A Country Fellow who had been at London, and among some small matter [Page 148]of Mony receiving a Guinea, and never having had one before, shew'd it to his Country-folks, as a Rarity: Who stand­ing with their Mouths at half-cock, much admir'd its lustre, asking if there were any store of them at London? Yes, in good troth, are they, reply'd he; for a Man can't take Forty Shillings, but he is compell'd to take Seven or Eight of 'em, though he had rather have Silver.

7.

A Person having been at a Noble­man's House, where there was a great Feast; a Neighbour, at his return, asked him what Chear he had there? Oh! very great store, reply'd he; for there was four or five Second Courses brought up and plac'd on the Table.

8.

One coming in great haste, to give notice of the Death of a Man that dy'd suddenly; and being asked, when he died? Why truly, said he, even to Morrow Morning. Ay! said he; that's strange! And when, pray, is he to be [Page 149]buried? Why, Yesterday, reply'd he. Why, this is a strange Contradiction, and cannot be probable. In good sober sadness, says the Fellow, they told me so; I know no otherwise.

9.

A Fellow that newly came up to Lon­don, as an Apprentice, being sent for a Pound of Candles, and in his return, giving too large a step over the Kennel, stumbl'd, and all di [...]ted them: Where­fore, having a cross Mistress, he went to a neighbouring Ale-house, and in a Pail of Water washed them. But then being wet, an arch Wagg advis'd him to hang them by the Fire to dry, whil'st he tippl'd his Pint. But prating, and not minding them, the Fire being very hot, had quickly melted all the Tallow; when turning about and mis­sing them, Well, said he, I have often heard that this London is a very thieving place, and now I find it true; for some body has put his Arm down the Chim­ney, stole my Candles out of the top of it, and left only a bunch of Candle-Wicks in the room of them; and, with [Page 150]this lamentable Story he went home to accept of a broken Pate.

10.

An old Inn-keeper having married a brisk young Woman in the Town, a Spark that came to the Inn, had a great mind to be tickling her Fancy; and by Ogling, squeezing her Finger, and softly treading on her Toe, made her under­stand the Passion he had for her; so that they soon came to a Parley, and he found little difficulty to make her pro­mise him to Surrender; but a conve­nient Place was next to be assigned, for the Signing and Exchanging Articles. At length they appointed to meet, when it was dark, in the House of Easement. But when they were in the mid'st of their merry Conceit, the Old Man came thundering at the Door. Who's there? says the Spark? It is I, reply'd he; Let me in; I'm in haste. You can't come in says the Spark; I am in before you, and you must stay while I have done. Why so? says the Husband; there are two Holos. I know that, says the Spark; but I am just got into one, and [Page 151]the other is all befoul'd: With which flamm he sent him away, to ease him­self upon the Dunghill, while the two Lovers went on with their Show.

11.

Many People have wonder'd at the meaning of Throwing at Cocks on a Shrove-Tuesday; which, for your better Information, take as followeth. A good Woman, you must know, once upon a time, in her Husband's absence, had occasion for some secret Service to be done her by a Neighbour of hers; to which only the Cocks and Hens were privy: When Crowing-time came, the old Cock standing a tiptoe on his Dung­hill, began his usual Crow; which the Woman's guilty Conscience interpreted thus, My Master's a Cuckold, I [...]now it. Do you so? says she; I'll spoil your tel­ling of Tales: Whereupon, catching him up, she was about to wring off his Neck; but thinking that too easie a Pu­nishment for so great a Crime, she gave him to a parcel of rude Boys, to knock on the head with a Cat-stick: And so be­gan the foolish Custome.

12.

A Country Farmer, who drudg'd on only for the Payment of Rent, and a little Victuals; yet to add to his Misery, was troubled with a turbulent, scolding Wife; as one day he was at Plough, weary and sweating, his Horses were Jaded; and crossing him, he fretted ex­tremely; and in his Passion, call'd out for the Devil to come immediately and fetch them away: When (as the Story goes) up came one of Belzebub's menial Servants, to fulfil his Request. At whose terrible Shape, and fierce Countenance, the poor Man being affrighted, intreated his absence; for he had no business with with him. Why, said Mephostophiles, did you not call me to take your Horses? Ay, said he; but I was only in jest. Oh! reply'd the Devil, I don't use to be jested with, but will have something e're I go. Then, said the poor Man, pray go and take my Wife away. Then skipp'd the Infernal Messenger, and horsing her on his back, flew with her to his Ma­ster's Dungeon: but there she kept such a Clamour, made such Cabals and Distur­bances, [Page 153]that the poor Dog of a Devil was ordered, upon pain of being hung up by the heels in a smoaky Chimney for a Thousand Years, to carry her back again. But then the Husband would not take her, declaring she was bad be­fore, but now she would be ten times worse. Why? said Mephostophiles; If you will do it, I will make you a fa­mous Doctor; and prescribe what you will, it shall have success, if you see me at the Bed's-Head; but if at the Feet, the Party will die. This being agreed, the first he practis'd on, was an Usu­rer, whose Conscience started at the Thoughts of Another World: but the Devil, it seems, appearing at the Feet, he very sadly told him, He must die. Oh! said he, talk not to me of Death; use your best Endeavours to save me, and I'll give you a Hundred Pound. Upon this, he beckoned the Devil to come up to the [...]ed's Head: but he shook his Horns, as unwilling to do it. Where­upon, stepping to him, and whispering in his Ear, he said Before George, if yee don't do it, I'll fetch my Wife to you. The terrour of which Threat made him skip thither presently, and then he gave [Page 154]his Patient comfort under his Affliction in a very short time.

13.

A Quaker that was a Barber, being sued by a Parson for Tythes; Yea and Nay went to him, and demanded the reason, why he troubled him, seeing he never had any Dealings with him in his whole Life. Why, says the Parson, it is for Tythes. For Tythes! says the Quaker; I prithee, Friend, upon what Account? Why, said the Parson, for Preaching in the Church. Alas! then, reply'd the Quaker, I have nothing to do to pay thee; for I come not there, Oh! but you might, says the Parson; for the Doors are always open, at convenient Times: And thereupon, told him, he would be pay'd, seeing it was his due. Yea and Nay hereupon, shaked his Ears, and making several wry Faces, depar­ted, and immediately entred his Action, it being in a Corporation Town, against the Parson, for Forty Shillings. The Parson, upon notice of this, came to him, and very hotly demanded, why he put such a Disgrace upon him? and for [Page 155]what he did owe him the Mony? Truly, Friend, reply'd the Quaker, for Trimming. For Trimming! said the Parson; why, I was never Trimm'd by you in my Life. Oh! but thou might'st have come and been Trimm'd, if thou hadst pleas'd, for my Doors are always open, at con­venient Times, as well as thine.

14.

In former days, an ambitious Gen­tlewoman, desirous to be a Lady, had indented with her Husband on Articles of Marriage, That he should be Knigh­ted. Which coming in, in discourse with another Gentlewoman, she ask'd how much that Honour would cost? Why, reply'd the other, about an Hun­dred Pounds. Why then, said she, mine shall never be at that Charge; for I'll Dubb him my self first, and so may you yours, and save the Mony, if you be wise.

15.

A young Scholar, the Son of a Far­mer, coming to visit hi [...] Parents, put out [Page 156]many Quibbles: which made the Country Fellows that came to see him, stare, and imagine he Conjur'd, and was calling up Mephostophiles to show Tricks. But one night, being at Supper, and a couple of Fowls set on the Table, to show his further Skill, he must needs be chop­ping Logick: Now, said he, Father, I'll show what Learning can do: You see these Two Fowls. Ay, (said the Father, and so said the Mother.) Well then, continu'd he, I'll show you how to make Three of them. That's brave! (says the Old Woman,) and will quickly encrease our Store: But how (continu'd she) do you make that appear? Oh! (said he,) by Logick: As thus; Here's One, is there not? Yes, (said she.) Then ta­king up the other, Here's Two, (said he: Now, Two and One makes Three. Well (said the Father,) I think you have made it out pretty well; we will have these Two, and you shall have the Third for your self: And so our Logician, for his Quibble's sake, was forc'd to go sup­perless to bed.

16.

An Old Woman having forgotten her Spectacles, and seeing some People crowding about a great Babboon, dress'd up in Antick Fashion, took it for the In­dian Embassador, squeez'd in among them; and seeing some laugh, said, O fye! good People; Are you not asham'd to use Strangers at this rate? I protest, it is no wonder that you are us'd no better in their Country, when you thus flout a reverend Gentleman, because he is new come over, and can't understand our Language.

17.

A Constable whose Name was Nott, being upon the Watch, a jolly Fellow who had some little knowledge of him, was brought before him; and then de­manding where the Constable was, the other strutting with his Staff in his hand, said I am he. You are Nott the Con­stable, reply'd the other. Then said Mr. Constable, Nott, I say, I am the Constable; and that you shall find, to [Page 158]your sorrow, if you dare deny my Au­thority once more. You do not hear me, reply'd the other, deny your Autho­rity; for I say, you are Nott the Con­stable. Well, said the Regent of the Nocturnal Band of Bill-men, Take him to the Counter. And the next Morn­ing, it being canvass'd before a Justice, and the Constable's Ignorance appearing, in not knowing his own Name, when he heard it, he was order'd to pay the Fees; and give the Party he had com­mitted a Treat of a Guinea, to be Friends with him.

18.

A lusty Wench coming out of the Country, and living with the Beadle of the Parish, an old Watchman made Love to her: who having stay'd a long time, without ever being asked the Question; and searing, if she miss'd this Opportu­nity, never to meet with one so favou­rable again, clapt up the Bargain, and desired a Neighbour who was going into the Country, to give that little Kindred she had there, an Account of the good Luck she had met with at London, in so [Page 159]speedily altering her Condition. The Man, upon his arrival, was received with such Entertainment as their poor Abilities could afford, and all flock'd about him to hear the News, demanding in what Capacity this Husband of their Kinswoman's was. Oh! said he, He is a very reverend Person, a careful One, that looks to the City; and is no less dig­nify'd, than being One of the Elders that sits in the Gate. All rejoyced at this, concluding him no less than an Al­derman, or a Colonel of the Train'd Bands: So leaving them thus deceived, several of them prepared their best Equi­page, and came up to congratulate Do­rothy's Success, in hopes of Rewards and Favours for former Kindness: But when they found she had yoak'd with a Noc­turnal Bill-man, whose highest Income was but Forty Shillings a Quarter, they sneak'd home again, without so much as a How d'yee, Cousin?

19.

A Country Fellow having been to visit the University at Oxford, and being asked what strange Things he had seen [Page 160]there? Oh! said he, many strange Things; but one above the rest most ad­mirable. What's that? said the other. Oh! said he, I saw, in one of the Col­leges, a Dog in a Wheel, Spinning of Roast-meat.

20.

Ben. Johnson, one day, passing over Covent-Garden, a lame Beggar followed him, begging hard for an Alms. How now, Fellow! says Ben. by what Au­thority do you beg here? disturbing People with your Clamours, as they pass along on their lawful Occasions? Oh, Si [...]! reply'd he, I have lost the Use of my Limbs in the Service, and have a License for it. Ha! (says Ben.) Is it so? — Well, Friend, Lice, I believe you have; but I'm sure, little or no sense, to beg Mony of a Poet, as Wit is rated in this Age.

21.

Some Spaniards being at Sea in a Storm, one of them vowed to offer a Wax Tapour at the Shrine of St. Agatha, [Page 161](to whom they attribute a Power over Winds and Tempests) as big as the Main-Mast, if she would bring him safe to Land. Ay! says his companion, but where would you get Mony to buy Wax? or a Mold big enough to make it in? Puh! reply'd he; never trouble your Head for that; for though I pro­mise such a one now, yet when I get a­shore, one of Twelve in the Pound shall serve her turn.

22.

A rambling Foot-man that had been to see some of his quondam Companions in the City, reeling home late, was brought before an Intelligible Constable, who demanded who he belong'd to? He, with some stuttering, told him, to one Mr. Baxter. Oh! reply'd the Man of Night-Rule, I understand you now! You say you are Page of the Back-Stairs: Well, well, go about your Bu­siness; I must not stop such worthy Men as you, who are Officers at Court: And he dismist him accordingly.

23.

Two Justices, in a former Reign, ha­ving gotten a Fellow between them, upon Examination for a trivial Matter, made a mighty Puther, urging him to go on with his Confession. Why tru­ly, my Masters, said he, I find my self between Hawk and Buzzard, and can remember no more at this time, and so pray'd to be dismist.

24.

A Woman being told by an arch Wagg, of whom she enquired for News, That there was an Order made, That every painful, laborious Man, that had been Cuckolded Three times, should have a Pension allow'd by the Society of Cuckold-makers in London. Will they so, said she? why, that will be a great help to us; for my poor Husband may justly claim Ten Pensions.

25.

A needy Fellow walking in the Fields and musing how to get Mony, espying in a Tuft of Grass a heap of Album Grae­cum, (as the Learned call it,) or in plain English, White Dogs-turd, he took it up, and cast in his Mind, how he might make some Advantage of it, to supply his craving Necessities. And finding any thing, in a manner, that had but a hard Name, went off at London, among some fort of People, he Christen'd it Torvine; and putting it up in Papers very decently, feigning an Outlandish Tone, went about the Streets, crying, Who buy my Torvine, to make you Ready­witted, and speak. Truth presently. Among others, a Yorkshire Man, that was to give Evidence in Law-Matter, and ha­ving but a bad Memory, thinking by this means to be made an Orator, pur­chased a Paper of a Shilling Price, with large Directions how to take it; and [...]eing greedy of Knowledge, fell to nib­ [...]ng of it immediately, and then to puttering and spawling, crying out, It was a Tyke's Turd. Why, Lau yee [Page 164]there! said the other, laughing; Did I not tell you, it would make you Ready­witted, and speak Truth presently.

26.

A Man that had Robb'b a House, being Taken and Condemned at Paris, was carried a Mile out of that City to be Hang'd; but could not, all the way he went, forbear laughing at a merry Conceit that came into his Head. Hi [...] Father-Confessor chid him for it, ex­horting him to be serious, and urged him to give him the Reason of that ill [...] tim'd Mirth. He told him, He should know the Occasion of it, before he dy'd [...] And so coming to the fatal Place, when he was mounted on the Ladder, he de­sired the People to sing a Salvo Reginae [...] that is, a Hymn to the Virgin Mary Which when they had ended; Now Father, said he, you have often told me o [...] the Miracles done by St. Francis, St. Ig­natius, and Others; and the Cause wh [...] I laughed, was, To think I should do a great a one as any of them, before [...] die. What's that? said the Fryer. Why even, reply'd he, to make a company [Page 165]of Cuckows sing in the Middle of Winter.

27.

A romancing Fellow, telling a Story, That in the Cham of Tartary's Court, he saw a Man of a mighty Stature eat a Load of Hay, all but the Truss-bands, for a Wager. That's a small matter, said another, resolving to Out-lye him, thought likely to be very true; for I had an Uncle, that was a Woodman, who would make nothing to eat up a Load of Logs for his Breakfast, and a Load of Bavins-bands for his Dinner; but they fill'd him so, he seldome could eat any Supper.

28.

A true Toper, that liv'd at the Sign of the Three Cups, having a Letter di­rected to him by a Friend, the Super­scription was, Three Hundred Cupps; the next time he met him, he asked him how he came to blunder so, by a false Direction? Oh! reply'd he, I knew well enough what I did; for I could [Page 166]never find but you loved Cups very well, and therefore resolved not to stint you in your number.

29.

A Man being very earnest to know of his Wife, how many of the Ten Chil­dren he had, were his own: But she put him off, sometimes with Flamms, and at other times with Protestations; till at last he, impatient of Delay, vow'd he would go to the Cunning-man to be resolved, if she made any further refusal. This made the good Woman start, and intreat him not to do it; for such unlaw­ful Enterprizes might provoke God to take them from him. Well, said he, to prevent it, tell me truly. Indeed, said she, I will: This, and this, and so going on to the number Nine, are yours. And whose is the other? said he. Nay, Husband, pray don't ask me that? Well, said he, to save you a Scruple of Conscience, and to prove my self an honest Man, the Parson shall have this for Tythe; for I am satisfied he has a Right to it.

30.

Some quibbling Experiments being pushed about among jovial Companions, says one, What think you of this Four­square House, now it is likely to rain, if I should so order it, that the Rain should fall but on one side of it. Why, said another, it cannot be, unless you Conjure, and have Power over the Elements. Yes, said he; you shall see the Experience of it, for a two Bottles Wager. Done! says one; and Done! says the other. So staying a little while, it began to rain very plen­tifully. Now, said one, you have lost. No, said the other, I have not: And thus I demonstrate it, viz. What you see now, is only the Out-side of the House on which the Rain falls, but the In-side is dry; and if you make me any more than the Out-side and the In­side of a thing, then I yield my Wager lost.

31.

A Fellow that had got a shrewd Wife, seeing a Man turmoil'd with an unruly Horse, cry'd out, Friend! Friend! if you would tame him, Marry him, and I'll warrant you that will do it.

32.

An Old Man that was very deaf, com­ing to Market to sell a Cow, a Sharper who observ'd his Infirmity, was very diligent in hearkening who cheapen'd; and following one of the Chapmen into an Ale-house, who would not come up to the Price, said, Come, Friend, my Father, yonder, (pointing to him tho­routh the Window,) is willing to take your Mony; pay it to me, and the Cow shall be deliver'd: sown the Mony was laid. The Sharper thereupon steps to the Old Man, and strikes him earnest for his Cow, at his own Price; but that he must help his Servant to drive her to his Yard, at the lower-end of the Town. To this he consented; and then calling out him that had bought her really, away [Page 169]went the Old Man with him whil'st the Sharper rubb'd off with the Mony, and left them to scuffle it out at Law; till at length, finding themselves bub­bled and cheated, they ended the Con­troversie with a Woodcock-Feast.

33.

A Plaisterer and his Boy being em­ploy'd to Whiten a House by the Day, were so tedious, that tiring the Patience of the Owner, he one day asked the Boy, in his Master's absence, when he thought they would have done? Who reply'd very bluntly, That his Master was gone to look for another Jobb; and if he found one, they should make an end of it that Week: but I believe, continu'd he, if he misses of any other Work, it will be the End of the next Week before we shall have finish'd this.

34.

A Gentleman requiring a Painter to draw him the Prospect of a sine House, with a Porter standing at the Gate with [Page 170]a Staff in his Hand; he did it all well, to content, but the Porter; which part of his Instructions he forgot, and was chid for. Why, Sir, said he, are you so angry? the Butler has only invited him into the Cellar, to drink a Glass of Wine! I'll undertake for him, he shall be at the Gate in an hours time: And so drew him in his proper place.

35.

An old rich Citizen, intending to keep himself very warm, resolved to double the Cloth of a Suit he made; that is, to Line the Coat with the same; as likewise the Breeches: but in the lat­ter, next his Skin, a Dimmoty Lining was plac'd. The conscious Taylor thought therefore, in such a case, any Cloth would save, and therefore re­solved to save that Remnant: in the room of which, he put in an old pain­ted Cloth that had been used in a Play at Bartholomew-Fair. When one day, the Party going to Air himself, as he was step­ping over a Stile, a Snag happen'd to tear his Breeches; and going to look upon the Rent, he espy'd two painted De­vils [Page 171]threatning, in horrid Shapes, with Much-Forks in their Hands; which made him haste to pull them off; and looking further, found other Devils tormenting Dives in Flames. Starting at this, he ran with them under his Arm to the Taylor, upbraiding him for cheating him; but most of all, that he had made him carry Hell-Fire in his Breeches. Mr. Snipp upon this, pro­tested, with up-listed Hands and Eyes, that he [...]new nothing of it! and wish'd he might go to Hell, to find the Cloth thus chang'd, if he did! (craftily mean­ing that under the Shop-board)

36.

A brisk young Sempstress having out­witted many an airy Fop, and sparkish Gallant, was, at last, out-witted her self, in this manner: A Town-Shift, in very good Habit, coming into her Shop, cheapen'd and bargain'd for a conside­rable parcel of Linnen: and then pau­sing — said, Oh! I had like to have forgot one thing; I want a Shirt of the largest make; it is not for my self, but for one as big agen. She shewed him [Page 172]thereupon several; but he complained they were too strait: and then she shewed him another; which he seemed to like, saying, Pray, Madam, do me the favour to let me see you strip it on over your Cloaths. The which, to please and humour so good a Custo­mer, she did. Then he turning her about, to see how it sate, fasten'd pri­vately the hinder Lappets, with two la [...]ge Pins, thorough her Cloaths, to the hi [...]der part of her [...]mock; then snatch­ing the Linnen he had bargain'd for, off the Counter, out he ran. She there­upon followed him, crying, Stop him! Stop him! and hastily going to pull the Shirt over her Ears, as ashamed to pur­sue him in such a Garment, she with it drew up all her Cloaths, and exposed her naked Posteriors to the Publick, and so ran on, still pulling to get off the Shirt; whil'st some good Matrons, who supposed her to be Mad, stopped her, sensible that she ought to be cover'd be­hind: Which gave the Sharper an op­portunity to rub cleverly off with his Booty.

37.

A Citizen, not much acquainted with Horse-Flesh, seeing a very sine Mare manag'd in her Paces, commended her highly: but, said he, her often breed­ing will spoil her; therefore, it were better they could clap a pair of Stones between her Legs, and make her a Gelding.

38.

A Citizen having married a very young Girl, and of as young an Under­standing, being invited to a Christ'ning, she took the Child in her Arms, and fell to dandling it, the better to be expe­rienc'd, when one she long'd for came to town: And how old is this Child? says she to the Nurse. Why truly, reply'd the Nurse, but Five Days. Nay, said she, I know by my little Spot, it must be Nine Days old, or it could not see. At this the Nurse laugh'd, and told her, she would be better inform'd, when she came to Years of Discretion.