CHAP. I. How Pantagruel arriv'd at the Ring­ing Island, and of the noise that we heard.

PUrsuing our Voyage, we sail'd three days without discovering any thing; on the fourth we made Land. Our Pilot told us, That it was the Ringing Island, and indeed we heard a kind of a confus'd and often-repeated Noise, that seem'd to us at a great distance not unlike the sound of great, middle-siz'd and little Bells rung all at once as 'tis custo­mary at Paris, Tours, Gergeau, Nantes, and elsewhere on high Holidays; and the nearer [Page 2] we came to the Land, the louder we heard that Jangling.

Some of us doubted that this was the Dodonoan Kettles, or the Portico call'd Hepta­phone in Olympia, or the Eternal humming of the Colossus rais'd on Memnon's Tomb in Thebes of Egypt, or the horrid Din that us'd formerly to be heard about a Tomb at Li­para, one of the Eolian Islands. But this did not square with Chorography.

I don't know, said Pantagruel, but that some swarms of Bees here abouts may be taking a Ramble in the Air, and so the Neighbourhood make this dingle dangle with Pans, Kettles, and Basons, the Co [...]i­banting Cimbals of Cybele, Grand-Mother of the gods, to call them back. Let's har­ken! when we were nearer, among the everlasting Ringing, we heard the indefa­tigable Singing (as we thought) of some Men. For this Reason, before we offer'd to Land on the Ringing Island, Pantagruel was of opinion that we should go in the Pinnace to a small Rock, near which we discover'd an Hermitage, and a little Gar­den. There we found a diminutive old Hermit, whose name was Braguibus, born at Glenay. He gave us a full Account of all the Jangling, and regal'd us after a strange sort of a fashion; four live-long-days, did he make us fast, assuring us, That we should not be admitted into the Ringing [Page 3] Island otherwise, because 'twas then one of the four Fasting, or Ember-Weeks. As I love my Belly, quoth Panurge, I by no means understand this Riddle; methinks, this should rather be one of the four Win­dy-weeks, for while we fast, we are only puff'd up with wind. Pray now, good Father Hermit, have not you here some other pastime besides Fasting; methinks 'tis somewhat of the leanest, we might well enough be without so many Palace-holidays, and those fasting Times of yours. In my Donatus, quoth Fryar Ihon, I could find yet but three Times or Tenses, the Pre­terit, the Present, and the Future, doubt­less here the fourth ought to be a work of Supererogation. That Time or Tense, said Epistemon, is Aorist, deriv'd from the Pre­terimperfect Tense of the Greeks, admitted in War, and odd Cases: Patience per force, is a Remedy for a Mad dog. Saith the Her­mit, 'tis as I told you, fatal to go against this, whoever does it, is a rank Heretick, and wants nothing but Fire and Faggot, that's certain. To deal plainly with you, my dear Pater, cri'd Panurge, being at Sea, I much more fear being wet, than be­ing warm, and being drown'd than being burnt.

Well, however, let us fast a God's Name; yet I have fasted so long, that it has quite undermin'd my Flesh, and I fear that at last, [Page 4] the Bastions of this Bodily Fort of mine will fall to ruin. Besides, I am much more affraid of vexing you in this same Trade of Fasting, for the Devil a bit I understand any thing in it, and it becomes me very scurvily, as several People have told me, and I am apt to believe them. For my part, I have no great Stomach to Fasting; for alas, 'tis as easy as pissing a Bed, and a Trade of which any body may set up, there needs no Tools. I am much more inclin'd not to fast for the future; for to do so, there's some Stock requir'd, and some Tools are set a work. No matter, since you are so stedfast, and have us fast, let's fast as fast as we can, and then break­fast in the name of Famine; now we are come to these esurial idle Days. I vow, I had quite put them out of my head long ago. If we must fast, said Pantagruel, I see no other Remedy but to get rid of it as soon as we can, as we would out of a bad way. I'll in that space of time some­what look over my Papers, and examine whether the Marine Study be as good as ours at Land. For Plato, to describe a silly, raw, ignorant Fellow, compares him to those that are bred on Ship-board, as we would do to one bred up in a Barrel, who never saw any thing but through the Bunghole.

[Page 5]To tell you the short and long of the matter, our Fasting was most hideous and terrible; for, the first day we fasted at Fisticuffs, the second at Cudgels, the third at Sharps, and the fourth at Blood and Wounds; such was the Order of the Fai­ries.

CHAP. II. How the Ringing Island had been in­habited by the Siticines, who were become Birds.

HAving fasted as aforesaid, the Hermit gave us a Letter for one whom he call'd Albiam Camar, Master Aedituus of the Ringing Island; but Panurge greeting him, call'd him, Master Antitus. He was a little quear old Fellow, bald pated, with a Snout whereat you might easily have light­ed a Card-match, and a Phiz as red as a Cardinal's Cap. He made us all very well­come, upon the Hermits Recommendation, hearing that we had fasted, as I have told you.

When we had well-stuff'd our Puddings, he gave us an Account of what was Re­markable in the Island; affirming, That it had been at first inhabited by the Siti­cines, [Page 6] but that according to the course o [...] Nature, as all things, you know, are sub­ject to change, they were become Birds.

There I had a full Account of all that Atteius Capito, Paulus Marcellus, A. Gellius, Atheneus, Suidas, Ammonius and others had writ of the Siticines, and Sicinnists; and then we thought we might as easily believe the Transmutations of Nectimene, Progne, Itys, Alcyone, Antigone, Tereus, and other Birds. Nor did we think it more reaso­nable to doubt of the Transmogrification of the Macrobian Children into Swans, or that of the Men of Pallene in Thrace into Birds, as soon as they have bath'd them­selves in the Tritonie Lake. After this the Devil a word we could get out of him but of Birds and Cages.

The Cages were spacious, costly, mag­nificent, and of an admirable Architecture. The Birds were large, fine, and neat ac­cordingly; looking as like the men in my Country, as one Pea do's like ano­ther; for they eat and drank like men, muted like men, endued or digested like men, farted like men, but stunk like De­vils, slept, bill'd and trod their Females like men, but somewhat oftener; in short, had you seen and examin'd 'em from Top to Toe, you would have laid your head to a Turnip, that they had been meer men. However, they were nothing less, as Master [Page 7] Aedituus told us; assuring us at the same time, that they were neither Secular nor Layick; and 'truth is, the diversity of their Feathers and Plumes, did not a little puzzle us..

Some of them were all over as white as Swans, others as black as Crows, many as grey as Owls, others black and white like Magpyes, some all red like Red-birds, and others purple and white like some Pigeons. He call'd the Males, Clerghawks, Monk­hawks, Priesthawks, Abbothawks, Bish­hawks, Cardinhawks, and one, Popehawk, who is a Species by himself. He call'd the Females, Clergkites, Nunkites, Priestkites, Abbesskites, Bishkites, Cardinkites, and Popekites.

However, said he, as Hornets and Drones, will get among the Bees, and there do no­thing but buzz, eat and spoil every thing, so, for these last Three hundred Years, a vast Swarm of Bigottello's flockt I don't know how among these goodly Birds eve­ry fifth full Moon, and have bemuted, be­ray'd, and conskited the whole Island. They are so hard-favour'd and monstrous, that none can abide 'em. For their wry Necks make a figure like a crooked Billet; their Paws are hairy like those of rough-footed Pigeons, their Claws and Pounces, belly and breech like those of the Stym­phalid Harpies. Nor is it possible to root [Page 8] them out, for if you get rid of one, strait four and twenty new ones fly thither.

There had been need of another Mon­ster-hunter, such as was Hercules, for Fryar Jhon had like to have run distracted about it, so much he was nettled and puzzled in the matter. As for the good Pantagruel, he was e'en serv'd as was Messer- Priapus, contemplating the Sacrifices of Ceres, for want of Skin.

CHAP. III. How there is but one Popehawk in the Ringing Island.

WE then ask'd Master Aedituus why there was but one Popehawk among such numbers of venerable Birds, multi­ply'd in all their Species? He answer'd, that such was the first Institution and fatal destiny of the Stars. That the Clerghawks begot the Priesthawks and Monkhaws, with­out carnal Copulation, as some Bees are born of a young Bull. The Priesthawks beget the Bishhawks, the Bishhawks the state­ly Cardinhawks, and the stately Cardinhawks, if they live long enough, at last come to be Popehawk.

Of this last kind, there never is more than one at a time, as in a Beehive there [Page 9] is but one King, and in the World is but one Sun.

When the Popehawk dies, another arises in his stead out of the whole Brood of Car­dinhawks, that is, as you must understand it all along, without carnal Copulation. So that there is in that Species an individual Unity, with a perpetuity of Succession, neither more nor less than in the Arabian Phoenix.

'Tis true, that about Two thousand se­ven hundred and sixty Moons ago, two Popehawks were seen upon the Face of the Earth; but then you never saw in your lives such a woful Rout and Hurly-burly as was all over this Island. For all these same Birds did so peck, clapperclaw and maul one another all that time, that there was the Devil and all to do, and the Island was in a fair way of being left without In­habitants. Some stood up for this Pope­hawk, some for t'other. Some, struck with a dumness, were as mute as so many Fishes; the Devil a Note was to be got out of them, Part of the merry Bells here were as si­lent as if they had lost their Tongues, I mean their Clappers.

During these troublesome Times, they call'd to their Assistance the Emperours, Kings, Dukes, Earls, Barons, and Com­monwealths of the World that live on t'o­ther side the water; nor was this Schism [Page 10] and Sedition at an end, till one of them died, and the Plurality was reduc'd to Unity.

We then ask'd what mov'd those Birds to be thus continually chanting and sing­ing? he answer'd, that it was the Bells that hang'd on the Tops of their Cages. Then he said to us, Will you have me make these Monkhawks whom you see bardocuculla­ted with a Bag, such as you use to still Bran­dy, sing like any Wood-Larks? Pray do, said we. He then gave half a dozen pulls to a little Rope, which caus'd a diminitive Bell to give so many Ting-tings, and pre­sently a parcel of Monkhawks ran to him as if the Devil had drove'em, and fell a sing­ing like mad.

Pray Master, cry'd Panurge, if I also rang this Bell, could I make those other Birds yonder with red-herring-colour'd Feathers sing? Ay, marry would you, return'd Ae­dituus. With this Panurge hang'd himself (by the hands, I mean) at the Bell-Rope's end, and no sooner made it speak, but those smoak'd Birds hy'd them thither, and be­gan to lift up their voices, and make a sort of an untowardly hoarse noise, which I grudge to call singing. Aedituus indeed told us, that they fed on nothing but Fish, like the Herns and Cormorants of the World, and that they were a fifth kind of Cucullati newly stamp'd.

[Page 11]He added, that he had been told by Ro­bert Valbringue, who lately pass'd that way in his Return from Africa, that a sixth kind was to fly hither out of hand, which he call'd Capushawks, more grum, vinegar-fac'd, brainsick, froward, and loathsome, than any kind whatsoever in the whole Island. Africa, said Pantagruel, still uses to produce some new and monstrous Thing.

CHAP. IV. How the Birds of the Ringing Island were all Passengers.

SInce you have told us, said Pantagruel, how the Popehawk is begot by the Cardinhawks, the Cardinhawks by the Bishhawks, and the Bishhawks by the Priesthawks, and the Priesthawks by the Clerghawks, I would gladly know whence you have these same Clerghawks. They are all of them Passengers, return'd Aedi­tuus, and come hither from t'other world; part out of a vast Countrey, call'd Want-o-bread, the rest out of another toward the West, which they stile, Too-many-of-'em. From these two Countries flock hither every year, whole Legions of these Clerg­hawks, leaving their Fathers, Mothers, Friends and Relations.

[Page 12]This happens when there are too many Children, whether Male or Female, in some good Family of the latter Countrey; insomuch that the House would come to nothing, if the Paternal Estate were shar'd among them all; ( as Reason requires, Na­ture directs, and God commands.) For this cause Parents use to rid themselves of that Inconveniency by packing off the Younger Fry, and forcing them to seek their For­tune in this Isle Bossart, (Crooked Island.) I suppose he means I' Isle Bouchart, near Chinon, cry'd Panurge. No, reply'd t'other, I mean Bossart (Crooked); for there is not one in ten among them, but is either crooked, crippled, blinking, limping, ill-favour'd, deform'd, or an unprofitable load to the earth.

'Twas quite otherwise among the Hea­thens, said Pantagruel, when they us'd to receive a Maiden among the number of Vestals; for Leo Antistius affirms that it was absolutely forbidden to admit a Virgin into that Order, if she had any Vice in her Soul, or Defect in her Body, tho it were but the smallest Spot on any part of it. I can hardly believe, continued Edituus, that their Dams on t'other side the water go Nine Months with them; for they cannot endure them Nine Years, nay scarce Seven, sometimes in the House: But by putting only a Shirt over the other Cloaths of the [Page 13] Young Urchins, and lopping off I don't well know how many Hairs from their Crowns, mumbling certain apostrophis'd and expiatory words, they visibly, openly, and plainly, by a Pythagorical Metempsycho­sis, without the least hurt, transmogrify them into such Birds as you now see; much after the fashion of the Egyptian Hea­thens, who us'd to constitute their Isiacs, by shaving them, and making them put on certain Linostoles, or Surplices. However,I don't know, my good Friends, but that these She-things, whether Clergkites, Monkites, and Abbesskites (that should not) instead of singing some plaisant Ver­ses and Charisters, such as us'd to be sung to Oromasis by Zoroaster's Institution, may be bellowing out such Catarates and Scythropys, (curs'd, lamentable, and wretched Impre­cations) as were usually offer'd to the Ari­manian Daemon; being thus in Devotion for their kind Friends and Relations, that transform'd them into Birds, whether when they were Maids, or Thornbacks, in their Prime, or at their last Prayers.

But the greatest number of our Birds come out of Want-o-Bread, which tho a barren Countrey, where the days are of a most tedious lingring length, overstocks this whole Island with the lower Class of Birds. For hither fly the Assaphis that inha­bit that Land, either when they are in dan­ger [Page 14] of passing their time scurvily for want of Belly-timber, being unable, or what's more likely, unwilling to take heart of grace, and follow some honest lawful cal­ling, or too proud-hearted and lazy to go to service in some sober Family. The same is done by your frantick Inamoradoes, who when cross'd in their wild Desires, grow stark-staring mad, and chuse this Life sug­gested to them by their despair, too coward­ly to make them swing like their Brother Iphis of doleful Memory. There is another sort, that is, your Goal-birds, who having done some Rogue's Trick, or other hei­nous Villany, and being sought up and down to be truss'd up, and made to ride the Two or Three-legg'd Mare that groans for them, warily scour off, and come here to save their Bacon: Because all these sorts of Birds are here provided for, and grow in an instant as fat as Hogs, tho they came as lean as Rakes: For having the Benefit of the Clergy, they are as safe as Thieves in a Mill, within this Sanctuary.

But, ask'd Pantagruel, Do these Birds ne­ver return to the world where they wer [...] hatch'd? Some do, answer'd Aedituus [...] formerly very few, very seldom, very late and very unwillingly. However, find some certain Ecclypses, by the vertue o [...] the Coelestial Constellations, a great Crows of them fled back to the world. Nor d [...] [Page 15] we fret or vex our selves a jot about it; for those that stay, wisely sing, The fewer the better Cheer; and all those that fly away first, cast off their Feathers here among these Nettles and Bryars.

Accordingly we found some thrown by there; and as we look'd up and down we chanc'd to light on what some people will hardly thank us for having discover'd; and thereby hangs a Tale.

CHAP. V. Of the dumb Knighthawks of the Ringing Island.

THese Words were scarce out of his mouth, when some Five and twenty or Thirty Birds flew towards us: They were of a Hue and Feather like which we had not yet seen any thing in the whole Island. Their Plumes were as changeable as the Skin of the Chamelion, and the Flower of Tripolion, or Tenerion. They had all under the Left Wing a Mark like two Diameters dividing a Circle into equal parts, or (if you had rather have it so) like a Perpendicular Linefalling on a Right Line. The Marks which each of them bore, were much of the same shape, but of different Colours; for some were White, [Page 16] others Green, some Red, others Purple, and some Blue. Who are those, ask'd Panurge, and how do you call them? They are Mongrels, quoth Aedituus.

We call them Knighthawks, and they have a great number of rich Commanderies, (fat Livings) in your World. Good your Worship, said I, make them give us a Song, an't please you, that we may know how they sing. They scorn your words, cry'd Aedituus, they are none of your Singing Birds; but to make amends, they feed as much as the best two of them all. Pray, where are their Hens, where are their Fe­males, said I? They have none, answer'd Aedituus. How comes it to pass then, ask'd Panurge, that they are thus bescabb'd, bescurf'd, all embroider'd o're the Phiz with Carbuncles, Pushes, and Pockroyals; Some of which undermine the handles of their Faces. This same Fashionable and Il­lustrious Disease, quoth Aedituus, is com­mon among that kind of Birds, because they are pretty apt to be tost on the Salt Deep.

He then acquainted us with the occasion of their coming. This, next to us, said he, looks so wistfully upon you, to see whether he may not find among your Company a stately gawdy kind of huge dreadful Birds of Prey, which yet are so untoward, that they ne're could be brought [Page 17] to the Lure, nor to Perch on the Glove. They tell us that there are such in your World, and that some of them have good­ly Garters below the knee with an Inscrip­tion about them, which condemns him (qui mal y pense) who shall think ill of it, to be bewray'd and conskited. Others are said to wear the Devil in a string before their Paunches; and others a Ram's skin. All that's true enough, good Master Aedi­tuus, quoth Panurge, but we have not the honour to be acquainted with their Knight-ships.

Come on, cry'd Aedituus in a merry mood, we have had Chat enough o' Consci­ence! let's e'en go Drink, — and Eat, quoth Panurge: Eat, reply'd Aedituus, and Drink bravely old Boy; Twist like Plough-jobbers, and Swill like Tinkers, Pull away and save Tide; for nothing is so dear or precious as Time, therefore we'll be sure to put it to a good use.

He would fain have carried us first to bathe in the Bagnio's of the Cardinhawks, which are goodly delicious places, and have us lick'd over with precious Oint­ments by the Alyptes, alias Rubbers, as soon as we should come out of the Bath. But Pantagruel told him, that he could Drink but too much without that: He then led us into a spacious delicate Refectu­ary, or Fratrie-room, and told us, Bra­guibus [Page 18] the Hermit, made you Fast Four day. together; now, contrarywise, I'll make you Eat and Drink of the Best, Four days through stitch before you budge from this place. But hark-ye-me, cry'd Panurge, mayn't we take a Nap in the mean time? Ay, ay, answer'd Aedituus, that's as you shall think good, for he that Sleeps, Drinks. Good Lord! how we liv'd! what good Bub! what dainty Cheer! Oh what an honest Cod was this same Aedituus!

CHAP. VI. How the Birds are cramm'd in the Ringing Island.

PAntagruel look'd I don't know howish, and seem'd not very well pleas'd with the Four days Junketting which Aedituus enjoyn'd us. Aedituus, who soon found it out, said to him, you know, Sir, that seven days before Winter, and seven days after, there is no Storm at Sea: For then the Elements are still, out of respect for the Halcyons, or Kingfishers, Birds sacred to Thetis, which then lay their Eggs and hatch their Young near the Shoar. Now here the Sea makes it self amends for this long Calm; and whenever some Foreign­ers come hither, it grows Boisterous and [Page 19] Stormy for four days together. We can give no other reason for it, but that it is a piece of its Civility, that those who come among us may stay whether they will or no, and be copiously Feasted all the while with the incomes of the Ringing. Therefore pray don't think your time lost, for willing, nilling, you'll be forc'd to stay; unless you are resolv'd to encounter Juno, Neptune, Doris, Aeolus and his Fluster-blusters; and in short, all the pack of ill-natur'd lefthanded Godlings and Vejoves. Do but resolve to be cheary, and fall to briskly.

After we had pretty well staid our sto­machs with some tight snatches, Fryer Ihon said to Edituus, For ought I see, you have none but a parcel of Birds and Cages in this Island of yours, and the Devil-a-bit of one of them all that sets his hand to the Plough, or Tills the Land, whose Fat he de­vours: Their whole Business is to be fro­lick, to chirp it, to whistle it, to war­ble it, tos'ing it, and roar it merrily night and day; Pray then, if I may be so bold, Whence comes this Plenty and Overflow­ing of all dainty Bits and good Things which we see among you? From all the other World, return'd Aedituus, if you except some part of the Northern Regions, who of late years have stirr'd up the Jakes; Mum! they may chance e're long to rue [Page 20] the day they did so; their Cows shall have Porrage, and their Dogs Oats; there will be work made among them, that there will: Come, a Fig for't, let's Drink, — But pray what Countreymen are you? Tourain is our Countrey, answer'd Panurge; Cod so, cry'd Aedituus, you were not then hatch'd of an ill Bird, I'll say that for you, since the blessed Tourain is your Mother. For from thence there comes hither every year such a vast store of good Things, that we were told by some folks of the Place that happen'd to touch at this Island, that your Duke of Tourain's Income will not afford him to Eat his Belly-full of Beans and Beacon [a good Dish spoil'd between Moses and Pythagoras] because his Prede­cessors have been more than liberal to these most holy Birds of ours, that we might here munch it, twist it, cram it, gorge it, craw it, riot it, junket it, and tickle it off, stuffing our Puddings with dainty Phea­sants, Partridges, Pullets with Eggs, Fat Capons of Loudunois, and all sorts of Ve­nison and Wild Foul. Come Box it about, Tope on my Friends. Pray do but see yon jolly Birds that are Perch'd together, how Fat, how Plump, and in good Case, they look with the Income that Tourain yields us! And in faith they Sing rarely for their good Founders, that's the truth on't. You never saw any Arcadian Birds mumble more fair [...]y [Page 21] than they do over a Dish, when they see these two gilt Battoons, or when I Ring for them these great Bells that you see above their Cages. Drink on, Sirs, whip it away, verily Friends 'tis very fine Drinking to day, and so 'tis every day o' the week; thenDrink on, Toss it about; here's to you with all my Soul, you are most heartily Welcome: Never spare it, I pray you, fear not we should ever want good Bub, and Belly-Timber; for, look here, though the Sky were of Brass, and the Earth of Iron, we should not want wherewithal to stuff the Gut, though they were to continue so Seven or Eight years longer than the Fa­mine in Egypt. Let us then with Brotherly Love and Charity refresh our selves here with the Creature.

Woons, man, cry'd Panurge, what a rare time you have on't in this World! Pshaw, return'd Aedituus, this is nothing to what we shall have in t'other: The Eli­zian Fields will be the least that can fall to our Lot. Come, in the mean time let's Drink here, come here's to thee old Fud­dlecap.

Your first Siticines, said I, were superla­tively wise, in devising thus a means for you to compass whatever all men naturally covet so much, and so few or (to speak more properly) none can enjoy together; I mean, a Paradice in this Life, and ano­ther [Page 22] in the next; sure you were Born wrapt in your Mother's smickits. O happy Crea­tures! O more than men! Would I had the luck to fare like you.

CHAP. VII. How Pantagruel came to the Island of the Apedefers, or Ignoramus's, with long Claws, and Crooked Paws, and of terrible Adventures and Monsters there.

AS soon as we had cast Anchor and had mor'd the Ship, the Pinnace was put over the Ship's side, and Mann'd by the Coxswain's Crew. When the good Pantagruel had prayed publickly, and given thanks to the Lord that had deliver'd him from so great a Danger, he stept into it with his whole Company, to go on shore, which was no ways difficult to do; for as the Sea was Calm, and the Winds laid, they soon got to the Cliffs. When they were set on shore, Epistemon, who was ad­miring the Scituation of the Place, and the strange shape of the Rocks, discover'd some of the Natives. The first he met, had on a short Purple Gown, a Doublet cut in Pains like a Spanish Leather Jerkin; half-sleeves [Page 23] of Satin, and the upper part of them Leather, a Coif like a Black Pot tipp'd with Tin; he was a good likely sort of a Body, and his name, as we heard afterwards, was Double-fee. Epistemon ask'd him, how they call'd those strange Craggy Rocks and Deep Vallies? he told him it was a Colony, brought out of Attorney-land, and call'd Process; and that if we forded the River somewhat further beyond the Rocks, we should come into the Island of the Apede­fers. By the memory of the Decretals, ask'd Fryer Ihon, tell us, I pray you, what you honest men here live on? Could not a man take a chirping Bottle with you, to taste your Wine? I can see nothing among you but Parchment, Inkhorns and Pens. We live on nothing else, return'd Double-fee; and all who live in this place must come through my hands. How, quoth Panurge, are you a Shaver then, do you fleece 'em? ay, ay, their Purse, answer'd Double-fee, nothing else. By the Foot of Pharao, cry'd Panurge, the De'll a Sous you'll get of me. However, sweet Sir, be so kind as to shew an honest man the way to those Apedefers, or Ignorant People, for I come from the Land of the Learned, where I did not learn over much.

Still talking on, they got to the Island of the Apedefers, for they were soon got over the Ford. Pantagruel was not a little [Page 24] taken up with admiring the Structure and Habitation of the People of the Place. For they live in a swindging Wine-press, fifty steps up to it; you must know there are some of all sorts, little, great, private, middlesiz'd, and so forth. You go through a large Peristile, alias a long Entry set about with Pillars, in which you see in a kind of Landskip the Ruins of almost the whole World; besides so many great Robbers Gibbets, so many Gallows and Racks, that 'tis enough to fright you out of your seven Senses. Double-fee perceiving that Pantagruel was taken up with Contempla­ting those things, Let us go further, Sir, said he to him, all this is nothing yet. Nothing, quoth he, cri'd Frier Ihon, By the soul of my over-heated Codpiece, Friend Panurge and I here shake and quiver for meer hun­ger. I had rather be drinking, than staring on those Ruins. Pray come along, Sir, said Double-fee. He then led us into a lit­tle Wine-press that lay backwards in a blind Corner, and was call'd Pithies in the Language of the Countrey. You need not ask whether Master Ihon and Panurge made much of their sweet selves there; 'tis enough that I tell you, there was no want of Bolonia Sawcidges, Turky-poots, Ca­pons, Bustards, Malmesy, and all other sorts of good Belly-Timber, very well drest.

[Page 25]A pimping Son of ten Fathers, who, for want of a better, who did the Office of a Butler, seeing that Frier Ihon had cast a Sheep's eye at a choice Bottle that stood near a Cup­board by it self, at some distance from the rest of the Bottellic Magazine, like a Jack in an Office, said to Pantagruel, Sir, I perceive that one of your Men here is making love to this Bottle, he ogles it, and would fain caress it; but I beg that none offer to med­dle with it; for 'tis reserv'd for their Wor­ships. How, cri'd Panurge, there are some Grandees here then I see: 'Tis Vintage-time with you, I perceive.

Then Double-fee led us up a private Stair­case, and shew'd us into a Room, whence, without being seen, out at a Loop-hole, we could see their Worships in the great Wine­press, where none could be admitted with­out their leave. Their Worships, as he call'd them, were about a score of fusty Crackropes and Gallowclappers, or rather more, all posted before a Bar, and staring at each other like so many dead Pigs: Their Paws were as long as a Crane's Foot, and their Claws four and twenty Inches long at least; for you must know, they are injoin'd never to pair off the least Chip of them, so that they grow as crook­ed as a Welch Hook, or a Hedging Bill.

We saw a swindging Bunch of Grapes that are gather'd and squeez'd in that [Page 26] Country, brought in to them. As soon as it was laid down, they clapp'd it into the Press, and there was not a bit of it out of which each of them did not squeeze some Oil of Gold. Insomuch, that the poor Grape was tri'd with a Witness, and brought off so drain'd and pick'd, and so dry, that there was not the least moisture, juice or substance left in it, for they had prest out its very quintessence.

Double-fee told us they had not often such huge Bunches, but, let the worst come to the worst, they were sure never to be without others in their Press. But hark you me, Master of mine, ask'd Pa­nurge, Have they not some of different growth? ay marry have they, quoth Dou­ble-fee; do you see here this little Bunch, to which they are going to give 'tother wrinch; 'Tis of Tyth-growth you must know; they crush'd, wrung, squeez'd and strain'd out the very heart's blood of it but t'other day, but it did not bleed freely, the Oil came hard, and smelt of the Priest's Chest; so that they found there was not much good to be got out of 't. Why then, said Pantagruel, do they put it again into the Press? only, answer'd Double-fee, for fear there should still lurk some Juice among the Husks, and Hullings, in the Mother of the Grape. The Devil be damn'd, cri'd Frier Ihon, do you call these [Page 27] same Folks illiterate Lobcocks, and Dunsi­cal Doddipoles? may I be broil'd like a Red-herring, if I don't think they are wise enough to skin a Flint, and draw Oil out of a Brick-wall. So they are, said Double-fee, for they sometimes put Castles, Parks and Forests into the Press, and out of them all extract Aurum potabile. You mean, Por­tabile, I suppose, cri'd Epistemon, such as may be born. I mean as I said, repli'd Double-fee, Potabile, such as may be drunk; for it makes them drink many a good Bot­tle more than otherwise they should.

But I cannot better satisfy you as to the growths of the Vine-tree Syrup that is here squeez'd out of Grapes, than in desiring you to look your self yonder in that Back­yard, where you'll see above a thousand different growths that lie a waiting to be squeez'd every moment. Here are some of the publick, and some of the private growth; some of the Builders, Fortifica­tions, Loans, Gifts and Gratuities, Es­cheats, Forfeitures, Fines and Recoveries, Penal Statutes, Crown-Lands and De­mesne, Privy-Purse, Post-Office, Offe­rings, Lordships of Mannors, and a world of other growths for which we want Names. Pray, quoth Epistemon, tell me of what growth is that great one with all those lit­tle Grapelings about it. Oh, oh! return'd Double-fee, that plump one is of the Trea­sury, [Page 28] the very best growth in the whole Countrey; whenever any one of that growth is squeez'd, there is not one of their Worships but gets Juice enough out of it to soak his Nose six Months together. When their Worships were up, Pantagruel desir'd Double-fee to take us into that great Wine-press, which he readily did. As soon as we were in, Epistemon, who under­stood all sorts of Tongues, began to shew us many Devises on the Press which was large and fine, and made of the Wood of the Cross (at least Double-fee told us so.) On each part of it were names of every thing in the Language of the Countrey. The Spindle of the Press was call'd Receipt; the Trough, Costs and Damages; the Hole for the Vice-pin, State; the Side-boards, Money paid into the Office; the great Beam, Respit of homage; the Branches, Radiatur; the Side-beams, Recuperetur; the Fats,

Ignoramus; the two-handled Baskets, the Rolls; the Tread­ing place, Acquittance; the Dossers, Validation; the Pan­niers, Authentic Decrees; the Pailes, Potentials; the Fun­nel, Quietus est.

By the Queen of the Chitterlings, quoth Panurge, all the Hieroglyphics of Egypt are mine A— to this Jargon. Why! here's a parcel of Words full as analogous [Page 29] as Chalk and Cheese, or a Cat and a Cart­wheel! But why, pr'y thee, Dear Double-fee, do they call these Worshipful Dons of yours, Ignorant Fellows? Only, said Dou­ble-fee, because they neither are or ought to be Clerks, and all must be ignorant as to what they transact here; nor is there to be any other Reason given, but, The Court hath said it; The Court will have it so; The Court has decreed it. Cop's Body, quoth Panurge, they might full as well have call'd 'em Necessity; for Necessity has no Law.

From thence, as he was leading us to see a thousand little puny Presses, we spy'd another paltry Bar, about which sate four or five ignorant waspish Churls, of so testy, fuming a Temper, and so ready to take Pepper in the Nose for Yea and Nay, that a Dog would not have liv'd with 'em. They were hard at it, with the lees and dregs of the Grapes, which they grip'd over and over again, might and main, with their clench'd Fists. They were call'd Con­tractors, in the Language of the Countrey. These are the ugliest, mishapen, grim-look'd Scrubbs, said Fryar Ihon, that ever were beheld with or without Spectacles. Then we pass'd by an infinite number of little pimping Wine-presses, all full of Vintage-mongers, who were picking, examining, and raking the Grapes with some Instru­ments, call'd Bills of Charge.

[Page 30]Finally, We came into a Hall down Stairs, where we saw an overgrown curst mangy Curr with a pair of Heads, a Wolf's Belly, and Claws like the Devil of Hell. The Son of a Bitch was fed with Cost; for he liv'd on a Mulctiplicity of Fine Amonds, and Amerciaments, by Order of their Wor­ships, to each of whom the Monster was worth more than the best Farm in the Land. In their Tongue of Ignorance they call'd him Twofold. His Dam lay by him, and her hair and shape was like her Whelp's; only she had four Heads, two Male, and two Female, and her Name was Fourfold. She was certainly the most curs'd and dan­gerous Creature of the place, except her Grandam, that had been kept lockt up in a Dungeon, time out of mind, and her Name was Refusing of Fees.

Fryar Ihon, who had always twenty yards of Gut ready empty, to swallow a Gallimaufry of Lawyers, began to be some­what out of humour, and desir'd Panta­gruel to remember he had not din'd, and bring Double-fee along with him. So, away we went, and as we march'd out at the Back-gate, whom should we meet but an old piece of Mortality in Chains; he was half Ignorant, and half Learned, like an Hermaphrodite of Satan. The Fellow was all caparison'd with Spectacles, as a Tortoise is with Shells, and liv'd on no­thing [Page 31] but a sort of Food, which, in their Gibberish, was call'd Appeals. Pantagruel ask'd Double-fee of what Breed was that Prothonotary, and what Name they gave him? Double-fee told us, that time out of mind, he had been kept there in Chains, to the great Grief of their Worships, who starv'd him, and his Name was Review. By the Pope's sanctify'd Two-pounders, cry'd Fryar Ihon, I don't much wonder at the meager Cheer which this old Chuff finds among their Worships, do but look a lit­tle on the weather-beaten Scratch Toby, Friend Panurge; by the sacred Tip of my Cowle, I'll lay Five Pounds to a Hazel-Nutt, the foul Thief has the very Looks of Gripe-me-now. These same Fellows here, ignorant as they be, are as sharp and know­ing as other Folk. But were it my Case, I'd send him packing with a Squib in his Breech, like a Rogue enough as he is. By my oriental Barnicles, quoth Panurge, ho­nest Fryar, thou'rt in the Right; for if we but examin that treacherous Review's ill-favour'd Phiz, we find that the filthy Snudge is yet more mischievous and igno­rant than these Ignorant Wretches here; since they (honest Dunces!) grapple and glean with as little harm and pother as they can, without any long Fiddle-come­farts, or Tantalizing in the Case; nor do they dally and demur in your Suit, but, in [Page 32] two or three words, whip-stitch, in a trice▪ they finish the Vintage of the Close, ba­ting you all those damn'd tedious Interlo­cutories, Examinations and Appointments, which frets to the hearts-blood your Furr'd Law-cats.

CHAP. VIII. How Panurge related to Master Aedi­tuus, the Fable of the Horse and the Ass.

WHen we had cramm'd and cramm'd again, Aedituus took us into a Chamber that was well furnish'd, hung with Tapestry, and finely gilt. Thither he caus'd to be brought store of Mirabo­lans, Cashou, Green Ginger preserv'd, with plenty of Hypocras, and delicious Wine. With these Antidotes, that were like a sweeter Lethe, he invited us to for­get the hardships of our Voyage; and at the same time he sent plenty of Provisions on Board our Ships that rid in the Harbour. After this, we e'en jogg'd to Bed for that Night, but the Devil-a-bit poor Pilgarlic could sleep one wink, the everlasting jingle-jangle of the Bells kept me awake whether I would or no.

[Page 33]About midnight Aedituus came to wake us, that we might drink. He himself shew'd us the way, saying, You Men of t'other World say that Ignorance is the Mo­ther of all Evil, and so far you are right; yet for all that, you don't take the least care to get rid of it, but still plod on, and live in it, with it, and by it, for which cause a plaguy-deal of mischief lights on you every day, and you are right enough serv'd; you are perpetually ailing some­what, making a moan, and never right. 'Tis what I was ruminating upon just now. And, indeed, Ignorance keeps you here fasten'd in Bed, just as that Bully-rock Mars was detain'd by Vulcan's Art; for all the while you don't mind that you ought to spare some of your Rest, and be as lavish as you can of the Goods of this famous Island. Come, come, you shou'd have eaten three Breakfasts already, and take this from me for a certain Truth, That if you wou'd consume the Mouth-Ammunition of this Island, you must rise betimes; Eat them, they multiply; Spare them, they dimi­nish.

For Example: Mow a Field in due Sea­son, and the Grass will grow thicker and better; don't mow it, and in a short time 'twill be floor'd with Moss. Let's drink, and drink again my Friends; come, let's all carouse it. The leanest of our Birds are [Page 34] now singing to us all, we'll drink to them if you please. Let's take off one, two, three, nine Bumpers, Non Zelus, sed Charitas.

When Day peeping in the East, made the Sky turn from Black to Red, like a boiling Lobster, he wak'd us again to take a Dish of Monastical Browess. From that time we made but one Meal that only lasted the whole Day, so that I cannot well tell how I may call it, whether Dinner, Supper, Nunchion, or After-Supper; only to get a Stomach, we took a turn or two in the Island, to see and hear the blessed singing Birds.

At Night Panurge said to Aedituus, give me leave, sweet Sir, to tell you a merry Story of something that happen'd some three and twenty Moons ago in the Coun­trey of Chastelleraudland.

On the first of April, a certain Gentle­man's Groom, Roger by Name, was walk­ing his Master's Horses in some fallow ground. There 'twas his good Fortune to find a pretty Shepherdess, feeding her bleeting Sheep, and harmless Lambkins, on the Brow of a neighbouring Mountain, in the shade of an adjacent Grove: Near her, some frisking Kids tripp'd it o're a green Carpet of Nature's own spreading, and to compleat the Pastoral Landskip, There stood an Ass. Roger, who was a Wag, had a Dish of Chat with her, and after some If's, And's, [Page 35] and But's, Hem's, and Heighs on her side, got her in the mind to get up behind him, to go and see his Stable, and there take a Bit by the bye in a Civil way. While they were holding a parley, the Horse directing his discourse to the Ass (for all Brute Beasts spoke that year in divers places) whisper'd these words in his Ear: Poor Ass, how I pitty thee! Thou slavest like any Hack, I read it on thy Crupper; thou do'st well, however, since God has created thee to serve Mankind; thou art a very honest Ass: But not to be better Rub'd down, Curri­com'd, Trap'd, and Fed than thou art, seems to me indeed to be too hard a Lot. Alas! Thou art all Rough-coated, in ill Plight; Jaded, Foundred, Crestfallen, and Drooping like a Mooting Duck, and Feedest here on nothing but course Grass, or Bryars and Thistles: Therefore do but Pace it along with me, and thou shalt see how we noble Steeds, made by Nature for War, are Treated; come, thou'lt lose no­thing by coming, I'll get thee a taste of my Fare. I' troth Sir, I can but love you and thank you, return'd the Ass; I'll wait on you, good Mr. Steed. Methinks, Gaffer Ass, you might as well have said, Sir Grandpaw Steed: Oh! Cry mercy, good Sir Grandpaw, return'd the Ass; we Country Clowns are somewhat gross, and apt to knock Words out of joynt. How­ever, [Page 36] an't please you, I'll come after your Worship at some distance, lest for taking this Run my side should chance to be Firk'd and Curried with a Vengeance, as 'tis but too often, the more's my sorrow.

The Sheperdess being got behind Roger, the Ass followed, fully resolv'd to Bate like a Prince with Roger's Steed. But when they got to the Stable, the Groom who spy'd the Grave Animal, order'd one of his Underlings to welcome him with the Pitch-fork, and Curricomb him with a Cudgel. The Ass who heard this, recommended himself Mentally to the God Neptune, and was packing off, thinking, and syllogising within himself thus; Had not I been an Ass, I had not come here among great Lords, when I must needs be sensible that I was only made for the use of the small Vulgar; Aesop had given me a fair warn­ing of this in one of his Fables. Well, [...] I must e'en scamper, or take what follows▪ With this he fell a Trotting, and Winsing, and Yerking, and Calcitrating, alias Kick­ing, and Farting, and Funking, and Cur­vetting, and Bounding, and Springing, and Galloping full drive, as if the Devil had been come for him in propriâ personâ.

The Sheperdess who saw her Ass scour off, told Roger that 'twas her Cattle, and desir'd he might be kindly us'd, or else she would not stir her foot over the Threshold [Page 37] Friend Roger no sooner knew this, but he order'd him to be fetch'd in, and that my Master's Horses should rather chop Straw for a Week together, than my Mistress's Beast should want his Belly full of Corn.

The most difficult point was to get him back; for in vain the youngsters compli­mented and cox'd him to come; I dare not, said the Ass, I am bashful; and the more they strove by fair means to bring him with them, the more the stubborn Thing was untoward, and flew out at heels; Insomuch that they might have been there to this hour, had not his Mistress advis'd them to toss Oats in a Sive, or in a Blanket, and call him, which was done, and made him wheel about, and say; Oats with a witness, Oats shall go to pot, ad­veniat; Oats will do, there's Evidence in the Case; but none of the Rubbing down, non of the Firking. Thus Melodiously Singing, for as you know that Arcadian Bird's Note is very Harmonious, he came to the young Gentlemen of the Horse, alias Blackgarb, who brought him into the Stable.

When he was there, they plac'd him next to the great Horse, his Friend, Rub'd him him down, Curricom'd him, laid clean Straw under him up to his Chin, and there he lay at Rack and Manger; the first stuff'd with sweet Hay, the latter with [Page 38] Oats; which when the Horse- Valets-de Chambre sifted, he clap'd down his Lugs to tell them by Signs that he would Eat it but too well without sifting, and that he did not deserve so great an ho­nour.

When they had well Fed, quoth the Horse to the Ass, Well poor Ass, how is it with thee now? How dost thou like this Fare? Thou wert so nice at first, a body had much ado to get thee hither. By the Fig, Answer'd the Ass, which one of our Ancestors Eating, Philemon dyed Laughing, this is all sheer Ambrosia, good Sir Grandpaw; But what would you have an Ass say? Methinks all this is yet but half Cheer; don't your Worships here use now and then to take a leap? What leap­ing dost thou mean, ask'd the Horse, the Devil leap thee, dost thou take me for an Ass? I' troth, Sir Grandpaw, quoth the Ass, I am somewhat a Blockhead you know, and can't for the heart's blood of me learn so fast the Courtway of speaking of you Gentlemen-horses; I mean don't you Stallionize it sometimes here among your metal'd Fillies? Tush, whisper'd the Horse, speak lower; for, by Bucepha­lus, if the Grooms but hear thee, they' [...] maul and belam me and thee thrice and threefold; so that thou'lt have but little stomach to a leaping bout. Cod so, man, we [Page 39] dare not so much as grow stiff at the tip of the lowermost snout, though 'twere but to leak or so, for fear of being Jirk'd and Paid out of our Letchery. As for any thing else we are as happy as our Master, and perhaps more. By this Packsaddle, my old Acquaintance, quoth the Ass, I have done with you, a fart for thy Litter and Hay, and a fart for thy Oats: Give me the Thistles of our Fields, since there we leap when we list: Eat less, and leap the more, I say; 'tis Meat, Drink and Cloath to us. Ah! Friend Grandpaw, it would do thy heart good to see us at a Fair when we hold our Provincial Chap­ter! Oh! how we leap it while our Mi­stresses are selling their Goslins and other Poultry! With this they parted: Dixi: I have done.

Panurge then held his Peace; Pantagruel would have had him to have gone on to the end of the Chapter; but Aedituus said, A word to the wise is enough; I can pick out the meaning of that Fable, and know who is that Ass and who the Horse; but you are a bashful youth I perceive; Well, know that there's nothing for you here, scatter no words. Yet, return'd Panurge, I saw but e'en now a pretty kind of a cooing Ab­beykite as white as a Dove, and her I had rather ride than lead. May I never stir, if she is not a dainty bit, and very well [Page 40] worth a Sin or two. Heav'n forgive me! I meant no more harm in it than you; may the harm I meant in it befal me pre­sently.

CHAP. IX. How with much ado we got a sight of the Popehawk.

OUR Junketting and Banquetting held on at the same Rate the third day, as the two former. Pantagruel then earnestly desir'd to see the Popehawk, but Aedituus told him, it was not such an easy matter to get a sight of him. How, ask'd Pantagruel, has he Plato's Helmet on his Crown, Gyges's Ring on his Pounces, or a Cameleon on his Breast, to make him invi­sible when he pleases? No, Sir, return'd Aedituus, but he is naturally of pretty dif­ficult access; however I'll see and take care that you may see him if possible. With this he left us piddling; then within a quarter of an hour came back, and told us the Popehawk is now to be seen; so he led us, without the least noise, directly to the Cage wherein he sate drooping, with his Feathers staring about him, attended by a Brace of little Cardinhawks, and six lusty fusty Bishhawks.

[Page 41] Panurge star'd at him like a dead Pig, ex­amining exactly his Figure, Size, and Mo­tions. Then with a loud voice he said, a Curse light on the hatcher of the ill Bird, o'my word this is a filthy Whoophooper. Tush, speak softly, said Aedituus, By G— he has a pair of Ears, as formerly Michael de Me­tiscone remark'd. What then, return'd Pa­nurge, so hath a Whoopcat. So, said Aedi­tuus, if he but hear you speak such another blasphemous word, you had as good be damn'd: Do you see that Basin yonder in his Cage? Out of it shall sally Thunder­bolts and Lightnings, Storms, Bulls, and the Devil and all, that will sink you down to Peg-Trantums an hundred Fathom un­der ground. 'Twere better to drink and be merry, quoth Friar Ihon.

Panurge was still feeding his Eyes with the sight of the Popehawk, and his Atten­dants, when somewhere under his Cage he perceiv'd a Madgehowlet; with this he cry'd out, By the Devil's-maker's Master, there's Roguery in the Case; they put Tricks up­on Travellers here more than any where else, and would make us believe that a T—d's a Sugar-loaf. What damn'd cou­sening, gulling, and Coney-catching have we here! Do you see this Madgehowlet? by Minerva we are all beshit. Odsoons, said Aedituus, speak softly, I tell you, 'tis no [Page 42] Madgehowlet, no she-thing, on my hon [...] word, but a male and a noble Bird.

May we not hear the Popehawk sing, ask'd Pantagruel? I dare not promise that, re­turn'd Aedituus, for he only sings and eats at his own time; so don't I, quoth Pa­nurge, Poor Pilgarlic is fain to make every body's time his own; if they have time, I find time: Come then, let us go drink if you will. Now this is something like a Tansy, said Aedituus; you begin to talk somewhat like, still speak in that fashion, and I'll secure you from being thought an Heretic. Come on, I am of your mind.

As we went back to have t'other fud­dling Bout, we spy'd an old green-headed Bishhawk, who sate moping with his Mate and three jolly Bitter Attendants, all sno­ring under an Arbor. Near the old Chuff stood a buxom Abbeskite, that sung like any Linet; and we were so mightily tickl'd with her singing, that I vow and swear we could have wish'd all our Members but one turn'd into Ears, to have had more of the melody. Quoth Panurge, This pretty Cherubin of Cherubins is here breaking her Head with chanting to this huge, fat, ugly-face, who lies grunting all the while like a Hog as he is. I'll make him change his Note presently in the Devil's Name. [Page 43] With this he rang a Bell that hung over the Bishhawk's Head; but tho he rang and rang again, the Devil a-bit Bishawk would hear; the lowder the sound, the lowder his snoring. There was no making him sing. By G—quoth Panurge, You old Buzzard, If you won't sing by fair means, you shall by foul. Having said this, he took up one of St. Stephens's Loaves, alias a Stone, and was going to hit him with it about the middle. But Aedituus cry'd to him, Hold, hold, honest Friend, strike, wound, poyson, kill and murther all the Kings and Princes in the world, by Treachery, or how thou wilt, and as soon as thou wouldst, unnestle the Angels from their Cockloft, Popehawk will pardon thee all this. But never be so mad as to meddle with these sacred Birds, as much as thou lov'st the profit, welfare and life not only of thy self, and thy Friends and Relations alive or dead, but also of those that may be born hereafter to the thousandth Generation; for so long thou wouldst entail misery upon them. Do but look upon that Basin. Cat-so! let us rather drink then, quoth Panurge. He that spoke last, spoke well, Mr. Antitus, quoth Friar Ihon; while we are looking on these devilish Birds, we do nothing but blas­pheme; and while we are taking a Cup, we do nothing but praise God. Come on [Page 44] then, let's go drink; How well that w [...] sounds!

The third day (after we had drank, as you must understand) Aedituus dismiss'd us. We made him a Present of a pretty little Perguois Knife, which he took more kindly than Artaxerxes did the Cup of cold Water that was given him by a Clown. He most courteously thank'd us, and sent all sorts of Provisions aboard our Ships, wish'd us a prosperous Voyage and Success in our undertakings, and made us promise and swear by Jupiter of Stone to come back by his Territories. Finally, he said to us, Friends, pray note that there are many more Stones in the world than men; take care you don't forget it.

CHAP. X. How we arriv'd at the Island of Tools.

HAving well ballasted the holds of our Human Vessels, we weigh'd Anchor, hois'd up Sail, stow'd the Boats, set the Land, and stood for the Offing with a fair loom Gale, and for more hast unparrell'd the Misen yard, and lanch'd it and the Sail over her Lee-quarter, and fitted Gives to keep it steady, and boom'd it out; so in [Page 45] three days we made the Island of Tools, that is altogether uninhabited. We saw there a great number of Trees which bore Mattocks, Pickaxes, Crows, weeding Hooks, Sythes, Sickles, Spades, Trowels, Hatchets, hedging Bills, Saws, Addes, Bills, Axes, Sheers, Pincers, Bolts, Piercers, Augres and Wimbles.

Others bore Dags, Daggers, Poniards, Bayonets, Square-bladed Tucks, Stilet­toes, Poinadoes, Skenes, Penknives, Pun­cheons, Bodkins, Swords, Rapiers, Back­swords, Cutlasses, Semiters, Hangers, Falchions, Glaives, Raillons, Whittles and Whinyards.

Whoever would have any of these, needed but to shake the Tree, and imme­diately they dropp'd down as thick as Hops, like so many ripe Plumbs; nay, what's more, they fell on a kind of Grass call'd Scabbard, and sheath'd themselves in it cleverly. But when they came down there was need of taking care lest they happen'd to touch the Head, Feet, or o­ther Parts of the Body. For they fell with the point downwards, and in they stuck, or slit the continuum of some Member, or lopt it off like a Twig; either of which generally was enough to have kill'd a man though he were a hundred year old, and worth as many thousand Spankers, Spur-royals and Rose-nobles.

[Page 46]Under some other Trees, whose names I can't justly tell you, I saw some certain sorts of Weeds that grew and sprouted like Pikes, Lances, Javelins, Javelots, Darts, Dartlets, Halbarts, Boarspears, Eelspears, Partisans, Tridentes, Prongs, Trout-staves, Spears, Half-pikes and Hunting Staffs. As they sprouted up and chanc'd to touch the Tree, strait they met with their Heads, Points and Blades, each suitable to its Kind, made ready for them by the Trees over them; as soon as every individual Wood was grown up, fit for its Steel; even like the Childrens Coats that are made for them as soon as they can wear them, and you Weane them of their Swadling Clothes; nor do you mutter, I pray you, at what Plato, Anaxogoras and Democritus have said; Od's fish! they were none of your Lower-Form Gimcracks; were they?

Those Trees seem'd to us Terrestrial Animals, in no wise so different from Brute Beasts as not to have Skin, Fat, Flesh, Veins, Arteries, Ligaments, Nerves, Cartilages, Kernels, Bones, Marrow, Hu­mours, Matrices, Brains and Articulations; for they certainly have some, since Theo­phrastus will have it so; but in this point they differ'd from other Animals, that their Heads, that is, the part of their Trunks next to the Root are downwards; [Page 47] their Hair, that is, their Roots, in the Earth; and their Feet, that is their Bran­ches, upside down; as if a man should stand on his Head with out stretch'd Legs. And as you, batter'd Sinners, on whom Venus has bestow'd something to remember her, feel the approach of Rains, Winds, Cold, and every Change of Weather, at your Ischiatic Legs, and your Omoplates, by means of the perpetual Almanac which she has fix'd there; So these Trees have notice given them by certain sensations which they have at their Roots, Stocks, Gums, Paps or Marrow, of the growth of the Staffs un­der them; and accordingly they prepare suitable Points and Blades for them before­hand. Yet as all things, except God, are sometimes subject to Error, Nature its self not free from it, when it produceth Mon­strous things; likewise I observ'd some­thing amiss in these Trees. For a Half­pike that grew up high enough to reach the Branches of one of these Instrumentiferous Trees, happen'd no sooner to touch them, but instead of being join'd to an Iron-head, it impal'd a stubb'd Broom at the Fonda­ment. Well, no matter, 'twill serve to sweep the Chimney. Thus a Pertusan met with a Pair of Garden-shears; Come, all's good for something, 'twill serve to nip off little Twigs, and destroy Catter­pillars. The Staff of a Halbert got the [Page 48] Blade of a Sythe, which made it look like an Hermaphrodite; happy be lucky, 'tis all a case, 'twill serve for some Mower. Oh 'tis a great blessing to put our trust in the Lord! As we went back to our Ships, I spy'd behind I don't know what Bush, I don't know what Folks, doing I don't know what business, in I don't know what posture, scowring I don't know what Tools, in I don't know what manner, and I don't know what place.

CHAP. XI. How Pantagruel arriv'd at the Island of Sharping.

WE left the Island of Tools to pursue our Voyage, and the next day stood in for the Island of Sharping, the true Image of Fontainbleau; for the Land is so very lean there, that the Bones, that is the Rocks, shoot through its Skin. Be­sides, 'tis sandy, barren, and unpleasant. Our Pilot shew'd us there two little square Rocks, which had eight equal Points in the shape of a Cube; they were so white that I might have mistaken them for Ala­baster or Snow, had he not assur'd us they were made of Bone.

[Page 49]He told us that twenty chance Devils, very much fear'd in our Countrey, dwelt there in six different Stories, and that the biggest Twins or Braces of them were call'd Sixes, and the smallest Amb'sace; the rest Cinques, Quaters, Treys and Dewses. When they were conjur'd up, otherwise coupled, they were call'd either, Sice cincq, Sice quater, Sice trey, Sice dewse, and Sice ace; or Cincq quater, Cincq trey, and so forth. I made there a shrewd Ob­servation; would you know what 'tis, Gamesters? 'Tis that there are very few of you in the world but what call upon and invoke the Devils. For the Dice are no sooner thrown on the board, and the greedy gazing Sparks have hardly said, two sixes, Frank, but six Devils damn it, cry as many of them; If amb's Ace, then, A Brace of Devils broil me, will they say. Quater Deuse, Tom; The Dewse take it, cries another, and so on to the end of the Chapter. Nay, they don't forget sometimes to call the Black Cloven-footed Gentlemen by their Cristen-names and Sir­names; and what's stranger yet, they use them as their greatest Cronies, and make them so often the Executors of their Wills, not only giving themselves, but every body and every thing to the Devil, that there's no doubt but he takes care to seize, soon or late, what's so zealously bequeath'd him. [Page 50] Indeed 'tis true, Lucifer do's not always im­mediately appear by his lawful Attornies; but alas! 'tis not for want of good will; he is really to be excus'd for his delay, for what the Devil would you have a Devil do? he and his black Guards are then at some other places, according to the pri­ority of the persons that call on them: Therefore pray let none be so venturesom as to think, that the Devils are deaf and blind.

He then told us, that more Wrecks had happen'd about those Square-rocks, and a greater loss of Body and Goods, than about all the Syrtes, Sylla's and Charibdes, Sirens, Scrophades and Gulphs in the Universe. I had not much ado to believe it, remem­bring, that formerly amongst the wise Egyp­ptians, Neptune was describ'd in Hierogly­phics by the first Cube, Apollo by an Ace, Diana by a Duce, Minerva by seven, and so forth.

He also told us that there was a Phial of Sang real, a most divine thing, and known but to a few. Panurge did so sweeten up the Syndics of the place, that they blest us with the sight of't: But it was with three times more pother and ado, with more Formalities and antick Tricks, than they shew the Pandects of Justinian at Florence, or the Holy Veronica at Rome. I never saw such a sight of Flambeaux, Torches and [Page 51] Hagio's, sanctifi'd Tapers, Rush-Lights, and Farthing Candles, in my whole life. After all, that which was shewn us, was on­ly the ill-fac'd countenance of a roasted Conny.

All that we saw there worth speaking of, was a good face set upon an ill game, and the shells of the two Eggs formerly laid up and hatch'd by Leda, out of which came Castor and Pollux, fair Helen's brothers. These same Syndics sold us a piece of 'em for a Song, I mean, for a morsel of bread. Before we went, we bought a parcel of Hats and Caps of the Manufacture of the place, which, I fear, will turn to no very good account: Nor are those who shall take 'em off our hands, more likely to com­mend their wearing.

CHAP. XII. How we past through the Wicket, in­habited by Gripe-men-all, Arch-Duke of the Furr'd Law-cats.

FRom thence Condemnation was pass'd by us: 'Tis another damn'd barren Island, whereat none for the world car'd to touch. Then we went through the Wicket, but Pantagruel had no mind to bear us company, and 'twas well he did not, for we were [Page 52] nabb'd there, and clapp'd into Lob's-Poun [...] by Order of Gripe-men-all, Arch-Duke o [...] the Furr'd Law-cats, because one of our Company wou'd ha' put upon a Serjeant some Hats of the sharping Island.

The Furr'd Law-cats are most terrible and dreadful Monsters, they devour little Children, and trample over Marble-Stones. 'Pray tell me, Noble Topers, do they not deserve to have their Snouts slit? The hair of their Hides do's n't lie outward, but in­wards; and every Mother's son of 'em for his Devise wears a gaping Pouch, but not all in the same manner; for some wear it ty'd to their Neck Scarf-wise, others upon the Breech, some on the Paunch, others on the Side, and all for a Cause, with Rea­son and Mystery: They have Claws so ve­ry strong, long, and sharp, that nothing can get from 'em, that is once fast between their Clutches. Sometimes they cover their heads with Mortar-like Caps, at other times with mortify'd Caparisons.

As we enter'd their Den, said a common Mumper to whom we had given half a Teston, Worshipful Culprits, God send you a good deliverance. Examine well, said he, the Countenance of these stout Props and Pillars of this Catch coin Law and Iniquity; and pray observe, that if you still live but Six Olympiads, and the Age of two Dogs more, you'll see these Furr'd Law-cats [Page 53] Lords of all Europe, and in peaceful Posses­sion of all the Estates and Dominions be­longing to it; unless by Divine Providence what's got over the Devil's Back is spent under his Belly; or the Goods which they unjustly get, perish with their Prodigal Heirs: Take this from an Honest Poor Beggar.

Among 'em reigns the Sixth Essence; by the means of which they gripe all, devour all, conskite all, burn all, draw all, hang all, quarter all, behead all, murther all, imprison all, waste all, and ruin all, with­out the least notice of Right or Wrong: For among them Vice is call'd Virtue, Wick­edness Piety, Treason Loyalty, Robbery Justice: Plunder is their Motto, and when acted by them is approv'd by all men, ex­cept the Heretics; and all this they do, be­cause they dare; their Authority is Sove­reign and Irrefragable.

For a sign of the Truth of what I tell you, you'll find, That there the Mangers are above the Racks. Remember hereafter, that a Fool told you this; and if ever Plague, Famine, War, Fire, Earthquakes, Inundations, or other Judgments befal the World, do not attribute 'em to the Aspects and Conjunctions of the Malevolent Pla­nets, to the Abuses of the Court of Ro­mania, or the Tyranny of Secular Kings and Princes, to the Impostures of the [Page 54] false Zealots of the Cowl, Heretical Bigo [...] False Prophets and Broachers of Sects, [...] the Villany of griping Usurers, Clipper [...] and Coiners; or to the Ignorance, Imp [...]dence, and Imprudence of Physicians▪ Surgeons, and Apothecaries, nor to th [...] Lewdness of Adulteresses and Destroye [...] of By-blows; but charge 'em all who [...] and solely to the inexpressible, incredible and inestimable Wickedness and Ruin▪ which is continually hatch'd, brew'd, an [...] practis'd in the Den of those Furr'd L [...]cats. Yet 'tis no more known in the wo [...] than the Cabala of the Jews, the more [...] the Pity; and therefore 'tis not detested chastis'd, and punished, as 'tis fit it should be. But shou'd all their Villany be one display'd in its true Colours, and expos' [...] to the people, there never was, is, no [...] will be any Spokesman so sweet-mouth'd whose fine colloguing Tongue cou'd saw 'em; nor any Laws so rigorous and Dra­conic, that could punish 'em as they de­serve; nor yet any Magistrate so powerful as to hinder their being burn'd alive in their Cony-boroughs without Mercy. Ev'n their own Furr'd Kittlings, Friends and Relati­ons wou'd abominate 'em.

For this reason, as Hannibal was solemn­ly sworn by his Father Amilcar to pursue the Romans with the utmost hatred, as long as ever he liv'd; so, my late Father has en­join'd [Page 55] me to remain here without, till God Almighty's Thunder reduce them there within to Ashes, like other presumptuous Titans, Prophane Wretches, and Opposers of God; since Mankind is so inur'd to their Oppressions, that they either do not remem­ber, foresee, or have a sense of the Woes and Miseries which they have caused; or if they have, either will, dare, or cannot root 'em out.

How, said Panurge, say you so! Catch me there and hang me! Damme, Let's march off! This Noble Beggar has scar'd me worse than the Thunder would do them. Upon this we were filing off; but alas! we found our selves trapp'd: The door was double lock'd and barricado'd. Some Messengers of ill news told us, 'twas full as easy to get in there as to get into Hell, and as hard for some to get out. Ay, There indeed lay the Difficulty: For there is no getting loose without a Pass and Dis­charge in due course from the Bench. This for no other reason than because Folks go easier out of a Church than out of a Spun­ging-house, and they could not have our Company when they would. The worst on't was when we got through the Wicket, for we were carry'd to get out our Pass or Discharge, before a more dreadful Monster than ever was read of in the Legends of Knight-Errantry: They call'd him Gripe-men-all: [Page 56] I can't tell what to compare it t [...] better than to a Chymaera, a Sphynx, a C [...]berus; or to the Image of Osiris, as th [...] Egyptians represented him, with Thre [...] Heads, one of a Roaring Lion, t'other [...] a Fawning Cur, and the last of a Howling Prowling Wolf, twisted about with [...] Dragon, biting his Tail, surrounded wit [...] Fiery Rays. His Hands were full of Gore his Talons like those of the Harpies, hi [...] Snout like a Hawk's Bill, his Fangs o [...] Tusks like those of an overgrown brindle [...] Wild-Boare; his Eyes were flaming, like the Jaws of Hell, all cover'd with Mortars interlac'd with Pestles, and nothing of his Arms was to be seen, but his Clutches His Hutch, and That of the Warren cats his Collaterals, was a long, spick-and-span new Rack, a top of which (as the Mumper told us) some large, stately Mangers were fix'd in the Reverse. Over the Chief Seat was the Picture of an Old-woman holding the Case or Scabbord of a Sickle in her Right hand, a Pair of Scales in her Left, with Spectacles on her Nose: The Cups of the Balance were a Pair of Velvet. Pouches; the one full of Bullion, which over-pois'd t'other, empty and long, hoisted higher than the middle of the Beam: I'm of opinion that it was the true Effigies of Justice Gripe-men-all; far different from the Institution of the Ancient Thebans, who [Page 57] set up the Statues of their Dicastes without Hands, in Marble, Silver, or Gold, accord­ing to their Merit, even after their Death.

When we made our Personal Appearance before him, a sort of I don't-know-what-men, all cloath'd with I don't-know-what Bags and Pouches, with long Scrowls in their Clutches, made us sit down upon a Cricket: [ Such as Criminals sit on when they are Try'd in France.] Quoth Panurge to 'em, Good my Lords, I'm very well as I am, I'd as lieve stand, an't please you. Besides, this same Stool is somewhat of the lowest for a man that has new Breeches and a short Doublet. Sit you down, said Gripe-men-all again, and look that you don't make the Court bid you twice. Now, continu'd he, The Earth shall immediately open its Jaws, and swallow you up to quick Damnation, if you don't answer as you should.

CHAP. XIII. How Gripe-men-all propounded a Rid­dle to us.

WHEN we were sate, Gripe-men-all, in the middle of his furr'd cats, call'd to us in a hoarse, dreadful Voice; Well, come on, give, give me presently — an answer. Well, come on, mutter'd Pa­nurge [Page 58] between his Teeth, give, give [...] presently — a comforting Dram. Harke [...] to the Court continu'd Gripe-men-all.

[Page 59]Give, give me out of hand—an An­swer to this Riddle, quoth Gripe-men-all. Give, give me—leave to tell you, good good my Lord, answer'd Panurge, That if I had but a Sphynx at home, as Verres one of your Precursors had, I might then solve your Enigma presently; but they verily, good my Lord, I was not there; and as I hope to be sav'd, am as innocent in the matter as the Child unborn: Foh, give me— a better Answer, cry'd Gripe-men-all, or, by Gold, this shall not serve your turn; I'll not be paid in such Coin: If you have no­thing better to offer, I'll let your Rascal­ship know, that it had been better for you to have fallen into Lucifer's own Clutches, than into ours. Dost thou see 'em here, Sirrah? hah? and dost thou prate here of thy being Innocent, as if thou could'st be deliver'd from our Racks and Tortures for being so! Give me — Patience! Thou Widgeon, our Laws are like Cobwebs; your silly little Flies are stopt, caught, and destroy'd there, but your stronger Birds break them, and force and carry them which way they please. Likewise don't think we are so mad as to set up our Nets to snap up your great Robbers and Tyrants: No, they are somewhat too hard for us, there's no medling with them; for they would make no more of us, than we make of the little ones: But you paultry, silly, Innocent [Page 60] Wretches, must make us amends; and, by Gold, we will Innocentise your Fopship with a Wannion, you never were so innocen­tis'd in your days.

Friar Ihon hearing him run on at that mad rate, had no longer the power to remain silent, but cry'd to him, High dey! Pr'y­thee, Mr. Devil in a Coif, would'st th [...] have a man tell thee more than he knows? has-n't the Fellow told you he does not know a word of the business? his Name's Twyford. A Plague rot you, won't Truth serve your turns? Why, how-now, Mr Prate-a-pa [...] (cry'd Gripe-men-all, taking him short) Marry come up, who made you so sawcy as to open your lips before you were spoken to? Give me — Patience! By Gold! this is the first time since I reign, that any one has had the impudence to speak before he was bidden. How came this Mad Fellow to break loose? (Villain, thou liest, said Friar Ihon, without stirring his lips.) Sirrah, sir­rah, continued Gripe-men-all, I doubt thou'l [...] have business enough on thy hands, when it comes to thy turn to answer (Damme thou liest, said Friar Ihon, silently.) Dost tho [...] think, continu'd my Lord, thou'rt in the Wilderness of your foolish University wrangling and bawling among the idle wandring Searchers and Hunters after Truth? By Gold, we have here other Fish to fry, we go another-gat's way to work [Page 61] [...]hat we do: By Gold, People here must give Categorical Answers to what they don't know. By Gold, they must confess [...]hey have done those things which they have not and ought not to have done. By Gold, they must protest that they know what they never knew in their lives: And [...]fter all, Patience per Force must be their on­ [...]y Remedy, as well as a Mad Dog's. Here [...]lly Geese are pluck'd, yet cackle not. Sir­ [...]ah, Give me—an Account, Whether [...]ou had a Letter of Attorney, or whether [...]ou were fee'd, or no, that you offer'd to [...]awl in another man's Cause? I see you [...]ad no Authority to speak, and I may [...]ance to have you wed to something you [...]on't like. Oh you Devils, cry'd Friar [...]hon, Proto-Devils, Panto-Devils, you would [...]ed a Monk, would you? Ho ha, ho ha, [...] Heretick, a Heretick, I'll give thee out [...]r a rank Heretic.

CHAP. XIV. How Panurge solv'd Gripe-men-all's Riddle.

GRipe-men-all, as if he had not heard what Friar Ihon said, directed his [...]iscourse to Panurge, saying to him, Well, [...]hat have you to say for your self, Mr. Rogue­enough, [Page 62] hah! Give, give me out of hand— an Answer. Say! quoth Panurge, w [...] what would you have me say? I say th [...] we are damnably beshit, since you give [...] heed at all to the Equity of the Plea, a [...] the Devil sings among you; let this a [...]swer serve for all, I beseech you, and [...] us go about our business; I am no longer able to hold out, as gad shall judge me.

Go to, go to, cry'd Gripe-men-all, W [...] did you ever hear that for these Th [...] hundred years last past any body ever [...] out of this Weel without leaving so [...] thing of his behind him. No, no, get [...] of the Trap if you can, without loss Leather, Life, or at least some Hair, a [...] you'll have done more than ever was d [...] yet. For why, this would bring the W [...] dom of the Court into question, as if [...] had took you up for nothing, and d [...] wrongfully by you. Well, by hook or [...] crook we must have something out of [...] Look ye, 'tis a folly to make a Rout [...] fart and a doe; one word's as good twenty; I have no more to say to th [...] but that as thou likest thy former en [...] tainment, thou'lt tell me more of the n [...] for 'twill go ten times worse with t [...] unless, by Gold, you give me—a Solu [...] to the Riddle I propounded. Give, [...] —it, without any more ado, I say.

[Page 63]By Gold, quoth Panurge, 'tis a black Mite or Weevil, which is born of a white Bean, and sallies out at the hole which he makes, gnawing it: The Mite being turn'd [...]nto a kind of a Fly, sometimes walks and sometimes flies over Hills and Dales. Now Pythagoras the Philosopher and his Sect, besides many others, wondering at its Birth in such a place, (which makes some [...]rgue for equivocal Generation) thought [...]hat by a Metempsycosis the Body of that [...]nsect was the Lodging of an Human Soul. Now were you Men here, after your wel­ [...]om'd Death, according to his Opinion, [...]our Souls would most certainly enter into [...]he Body of Mites or Weevils; for in your present state of life you are good for no­ [...]hing in the world, but to gnaw, bite, eat, [...]nd devour all things; so in the next you'll [...]'en gnaw and devour your Mothers very [...]ides, as the Vipers do. Now, by Gold, [...] think I have fairly solv'd and resolv'd your Riddle.

May my Bawble be turn'd into a Nut-cracker, quoth Friar Ihon, if I could not almost find in my heart to wish that what comes out at my Bunghole were Beans, that [...]hese evil Weevils might feed as they de­serve.

Panurge then, without any more ado, [...]hrew a large Leathern Purse stuff'd with Gold Crowns [ Escus au Soleil] among [Page 64] them: The Furr'd Law-Cats no soone [...] heard the jingling of the Chink, but the [...] all began to bestir their Claws, like a par [...] of Fiddlers running a Division; and the [...] fell to't, squimble squamble, catch that cat [...] can. They all said aloud, These are th [...] Fees, these are the Gloves; now this [...] somewhat like a Tanzy: Oh, 'twas a pret­ty Trial, a sweet Trial, a dainty Tria [...] O' my word they did not starve the Cause▪ these are none of your sniveling Forma P [...]peris's: No, they are Noble Clients, Gen [...]tlemen every Inch of them. By Gold 'tis Gold, quoth Panurge, good old Gold I'll assure you.

Saith Gripe-men-all, The Court upon [...] full Hearing, (of the Gold, quoth Panurge) and weighty Reasons given, finds the Priso [...]ners Not Guilty; and accordingly order 'em to be discharg'd out of Custody, pay­ing their Fees. Now, Gentlemen, proceed go for wards, said he to us; we have no [...] so much of the Devil in us, as we have [...] his Hue; tho we are Stout, we are Mer­ciful.

As we came out at the Wicket, we we [...] conducted to the Port by a Detachment of certain Highland-Griffins, scribere [...]dashoes, who advised us, before we came to our Ships, not to offer to leave the place, till we had made the usual Presents, first to the Lady Gripe-men-all, then to all the Furr'd [Page 65] Law-Pusses; otherwise we must return to the place from whence we came. Well, well, saith Frier Ihon, we'll fumble in our Fobs, ex­amine every one of us his Concern, and e'en give the Women their due; we'll ne'er boggle or stick out on that account; as we tickled the Men in the Palm, we'll tickle the Women in the right place. Pray, Gentlemen, added they, don't forget to leave somewhat behind you for us poor Devils to drink your Healths. O Lawd! never fear, answer'd Frier Ihon, I don't remember that I ever went any where yet where the poor Devils are not mention'd and encourag'd.

CHAP. XV. How the Furr'd Law-Cats live on Corruption.

FRiar Ihon had hardly said those words e're he perceiv'd Seventy Eight Gallies and Frigats just arriving at the Port. So he hied him thither to learn some News; and as he ask'd what Goods they had o'board, he soon found that their whole Cargo was Venison, Hares, Capons, Tur­keys, Pigs, Swine, Bacon, Kids, Calves, Hens, Ducks, Teals, Geese, and other Poultry and Wild-fowl.

[Page 66]He also spy'd among these some pieces of Velvet, Satin and Damask. This made him ask the New-comers whither and to whom they were going to carry those dain­ty Goods? They answer'd that they were for Gripe-men-all, and the Furr'd Law-Cats.

Pray, ask'd he, what's the true name of all these things, in your Countrey Lan­guage? Corruption, they repli'd. If they live on Corruption, said the Friar, they'll perish with their Generation; May the De­vil be damn'd, I have it now: Their Fa­thers devour'd the good Gentlemen, who, according to their state of life, us'd to go much a Hunting and Hawking to be the better inur'd to Toil in time of War; For Hunting is an Image of a Martial Life; and Xenophon was much in the right on't, when he affirm'd that Hunting had yielded a great number of excellent War­riors, as well as the Trojan Horse. For my part I am no Scholar, I have it but by hear­say, yet I believe it. Now the Souls of those brave Fellows, according to Gripe-men-all's Riddle, after their decease, enter into Wild-boars, Stags, Roe-bucks, Herns, and such other Creatures, which they lov'd, and in quest of which they went while they were men; and these Furr'd Law-Cats having first destroy'd and devour'd their Castles, Lands, Demesnes, Possessions, [Page 67] Rents and Revenues, are still seeking to have their Blood and Soul in another Life. What an honest Fellow was that same Mumper who had forewarn'd us of all these things, and bid us take notice of the Man­gers above the Racks!

But, said Panurge to the New-comer, how do you come by all this Venison? methinks the Great King has issued out a Proclamation strictly inhibiting the destroy­ing of Stags, Does, Wild-boars, Roe­bucks, or other Royal Game, on pain of Death. All this is true enough answer'd one for the rest: But the Great King is so good and gracious, you must know, and these Furr'd Law-Cats so curst and cruel, so mad and thirsting after Christian Blood, that we have less cause to fear in trespassing against that Mighty Sovereign's Commands, than reason to hope to live, if we do not continually stop the mouths of these Furr'd Law-Cats with such Bribes and Corruption. Besides, added he, to­morrow Gripe-men-all marries a Furr'd Law-Puss of his to a high and mighty Double­furr'd Law-Tibert.

Formerly we us'd to call them Chop-hay; but alas, they are not such neat Creatures now as to eat any, or Chew the Cud. We call them Chop-Hares, Chop-Partridges, Chop-Woodcoks, Chop-Pheasants, Chop-pullets, Chop-Venison, Chop Connies, [Page 68] Chop-Pigs; for they scorn to feed o [...] courser Meat. A T—d for their Chops▪ cry'd Frier Ihon, next year we'll have 'em call'd Chop-Dung, Chop-Stront, Chop-Filth.

Would you take my Advice, added h [...] to the Company? What is it, answer'd we? Let's do two things, return'd he First, Let's secure all this Venison and Wild-fowl, (I mean paying well for them:) for my part I am but too much tir'd alrea­dy with our Salt-meat, it heats my Flan [...] so horribly: In the next place let's go bad to the Wicket, and destroy all these devili [...] Furr'd Law-Cats. For my part, quot [...] Panurge, I know better things, catch m [...] there, and hang me; No, I am somewha [...] more inclin'd to be fearful than bold, [...] love to sleep in a whole skin.

CHAP. XVI. How Friar Ihon talks of rooting o [...] the Furr'd Law-Cats.

VErtue of the Frock, quoth Friar Iho [...] what kind of a Voyage are we m [...] king? A shitten one o'my word; the Devi [...] of any thing we do but sizzling, farting sunking, squatrering, dozing, raving, an [...] doing nothing. Ods Belly, 'tis n't in m [...] [Page 69] Nature to lie idle, I mortally hate it; un­less I am doing some Heroic Deed every foot, I can't sleep one wink o' nights. Dam it, did you then take me along with you for your Chaplain, to sing Mass and shrive you? By Maunday-Thursday, the first of ye all that comes to me on such an Ac­count shall be fitted; for, the only Penance I'll enjoin shall be, that he immediately throw himself headlong over-board into the Sea like a wicked Cow-hearted Son of ten Fathers; this in deduction of the Pains of Purgatory.

What made Hercules such a famous Fel­low, d'ye think? nothing, but that while he travell'd he still made it his business to rid the World of Tyrannies, Errors, Dan­gers and Drudgeries, he still put to death all Robbers, all Monsters, all venemous Serpents and hurtful Creatures. Why then do we not follow his Example, doing as he did in the Countries through which we pass? He destroy'd the Stymphalides, the Lernaean Hydra, Cacus, Antheus, the Centaurs, and what not; I am no Clericus, those that are such, tell me so.

In imitation of that noble By-blow, let's destroy and root out these wicked Furr'd Law-Cats, that are a kind of Ravenous Devils; thus we shall remove all manner of Tyranny out of the Land. Mawmet's Tutor swallow me Body and Soul, Tripes [Page 70] and Guts, if I would stay to ask your help or advice in the matter, were I but as strong as he was. Come, he that would be thought a Gentleman, let him storm a Town: Well then, shall we go? I dare swear we'll do their business for them with a wet Finger; they'll bear it, never fear; since they could swallow down more foul Language that came from us, than ten Sows and their Babies could swill Hog­wash. Dam 'em, they don't value all the ill words or dishonour in the world at a Rush, so they but get the Coin into their Purses, though they were to have it in a shitten Clout. Come, we may chance to kill 'em all, as Hercules would have done▪ had they liv'd in his time. We only want to be set to work by another Eurystheus, and nothing else for the present; unless it be what I heartily wish them, That Jupiter may give 'em a short visit only some two or three hours long, and walk among their Lordships in the same Equipage that attended him when he came last to his Miss Semele, jolly Bacchus's Mother.

'Tis a very great mercy, quoth Panurge ▪ that you have got out of their Clutches; for my part, I have no stomach to go there again; I'm hardly come to my self yet, so scar'd and appall'd I was; my hair still stands up an end when I think on't; and most damnably troubled I was there, for [Page 71] three very weighty Reasons. First, Because I was troubled. Secondly, Because I was troubled. Thirdly and lastly, Because I was troubled. Heark'n to me a little on thy right side, Friar Ihon, my left Cod, since thou'lt not hear at the other: When-ever the Maggot bites thee, to take a Journey down to Hell, and visit the Tribunal of Minos, Eacus, and Rhadamantus, do but tell me, and I'll be sure to bear thee company, and never leave thee, as long as my name's Panurge, but will wade over Acheron, Styx and Cocytus, drink whole Bumpers of Lethe's Water, (tho I mortally hate that Element) and even pay thy Passage to that bawling cross-grain'd Ferryman Caron. But as for that damn'd Wicket, if thou art so weary of thy life as to go thither again, thou mayst e'en look for some body else to bear thee company; for I'll not move one step that way, e'en rest satisfy'd with this positive Answer. By my good-will, I'll not stir a foot to go thither as long as I live, any more than Calpe will come over to Abyla. [Calpe is a Mountain in Spain, that faces another, call'd Abyla in Mauritiania, both said to have been sever'd by Hercules.] Was Ʋ ­lysses so mad as to go back into the Cy­clops's Cave to fetch his Sword? No marry was he not. Now, I have left nothing be­hind me at the Wicket through forgetful­ness, why then should I think of going thither?

[Page 72]Well, quoth Fryar Ihon, as good sit still as rise up and fall; what can't be cur'd, must be endur'd. But, pr'ythee, let's hear one another speak. Come, wert thou not a wise Doctor, to fling away a whole Purse of Gold on those mangy Scoun­drels? Hah? A Squinzy choak thee, we were too rich, were we? Had it not been enough to have thrown the Hell-hounds a few cropt Pieces of white Cash?

How could I help it, return'd Panurge? Did you not see how Gripe-men-all held his gaping Velvet-Pouch, and every moment roar'd and bellow'd, By Gold, give, give me out of hand; By Gold, give, give, give me presently. Now, thought I to my self, we shall never come off scotfree; I'll e'en stop their mouths with Gold, that the Wicket may be open'd, and we may get out; the sooner the better. And I judg'd that lowsy Silver would not do the business; for, d'ye see, Velvet-Pouches don't use to gape for little paultry clipt Silver, and small Cash: No, they are made for Gold, my Friend Ihon, that they are my dainty Cod. Ah! when thou hast been larded, basted, and roasted, as I was, thou'lt hardly talk at this rate, I doubt. But now what's to be done —we are en­join'd by them to go for- Wards.

The Scabby Slabberdegullions still wait­ed for us at the Port, expecting to be greas'd in the Fist as well as their Masters. [Page 73] Now when they perceiv'd that we were ready to put to Sea, they came to Fryar Ihon, and begg'd that we might not forget to gratify the Apparitors before we went off, according to the Assessment for the Fees at our Discharge. Hell and Damna­tion, cry'd Fryar Ihon, Are you here still, ye Bloodhounds, ye citing, scribling Imps of Satan? Rot you, Am I not vext enough already, but you must have the impudence to come and plague me, ye scurvy Fly­catchers you? By Cob's-Body I'll gratify your Ruffianships as you deserve, I'll Appa­ritorize you presently, with a Wannion, that I will. With this he lugg'd out his slashing Cutlas, and, in a mighty heat, came out of the Ship, to cut the cousening Varlets into Stakes, but they scamper'd away, and got out of sight in a Trice.

However, there was somewhat more to do; for some of our Sailors, having got leave of Pantagruel to go o' shoar, while we were had before Gripe-men-all, had been at a Tavern near the Haven to make much of themselves, and roar it, as Seamen will do when they come into some Port. Now I don't know whether they had paid their Reck'ning to the full or no; but, however it was, an old fat Hostess meeting Friar Ihon on the Key, was making a woful Com­plaint, before a Sergeant, Son-in-law to one of the Furr'd Law-Cats, and a Brace of Bums his Assistants.

[Page 74]The Friar, who did not much care to be tir'd with their impertinent Prating, said to them, Harkee me, ye lubbardly Gnats­nappers, Do you presume to say, that our Seamen are not honest Men? I'll maintain they are, ye Dotterells, and will prove it to your brazen Faces, by Justice; I mean this trusty piece of cold Iron by my side; with this, he lugg'd it out, and flourish'd with it. The forlorn Lobcocks soon shew'd him their backs, betaking themselves to their heels: But the old fusty Landlady kept her ground, swearing, like any Butter-whore, that the Tarpawlins were very honest Cods; but that they had only forgot to pay for the Bed on which they had lay'n after Din­ner, and she ask'd Five-pence French money for the said Bed. May I never sup, said the Friar, if it be not Dog-cheap; they are sorry Guests, and unkind Customers, that they are; they don't know when they have a Penniworth, and will not always meet with such Bargains; Come, I my self will pay you the money, but I would wil­lingly see it first.

The Hostess immediately took him home with her, and shew'd him the Bed, and ha­ving prais'd it for all its good qualificati­ons, said that she thought, as Times went, she was not out of the way, in asking Five-pence for't. Friar Ihon then gave her the Five-pence, and she no sooner turn [...]d her [Page 75] back, but he presently began to rip up the Ticking of the Featherbed and Bolster, and throw'd all the Feathers out at the window. In the mean time the old Hag came down, and roar'd out for help, cry­ing out Murther, to set all the Neighbour­hood in an uproar. Yet she also fell to ga­thering the Feathers that flew up and down in the Air, being scatter'd by the wind. Friar Ihon let her bawl on, and, without any further ado, march'd off with the Blanket, Quilt, and both the Sheets, which he brought aboard undiseover'd; for the Air was dark'ned with the Feathers, as it uses sometimes to be with Snow. He gave them away to the Sailers, then said to Pantagruel, that Beds were much cheaper at that place than in Chinnonois, tho we have there the famous Geese of Pantile; for the old Belda [...] had ask'd him but Five-pence for a Bed, which in Chin­nonois had been worth above Twelve ^* Francs.

CHAP. XVII. How we went For- wards, and how Pa­nurge had like to have been kill'd.

WE put to Sea that very moment, steering our Course For- wards, and gave Pantagruel a full account of our Ad­ventures, which so deeply struck him with compassion, that he wrote some Elegies on that Subject, to divert himself during the Voyage. When we were safe in the Port, we took some Refreshment, and took in fresh water and wood. The People of the place, who had the countenance of jolly Fellows, and boon Companions, were all of them For- ward Folks, bloated and pufft up with Fat; and we saw some who slash'd and pink'd their Skin, to open a passage to the Fat, that it might swell out at the slits and gashes which they made: neither more nor less than the shitbreech Fellows in our Countrey-bepink and cut open their Breeches, that the Tafety on the inside may stand out and be puff'd up. They said that what they did was not out of Pride or Ostentation, but because other­wise their Skins would not hold them with­out much pain. Having thus slash'd their Skin, they us'd to grow much bigger, like [Page 77] the young Trees, on whose Barks the Gar­deners make Incisions, that they may grow the better.

Near the Haven, there was a Tavern which forwards seem'd very fine and state­ly; we repair'd thither, and found it fill'd with People of the Forward Nation, of all Ages, Sexes, and Conditions; so that we thought some notable Feast or other was getting ready: But we were told that all that Throng were Invited to the Bursting of mine Host, which caus'd all his Friends and Relations to hasten thither.

We did not understand that Jargon, and therefore thought that in that Coun­trey, by that Bursting they meant some Merry meeting or other, as we do in ours, by Betrothing, Wedding, Groaning, Chri­stening, Churching [ of Women] Shear­ing [ of Sheep] reaping [ of Corn, or Harvest home] and many other Junket­ting Bouts that end in ing. But we soon heard that there was no such matter in hand.

The Master of the House, you must know, had been a Good-fellow in his time, lov'd heartily to wind up his Bottom, to bang the Pitcher, and lick his Dish; he us'd to be a very fair swallower of gravy Soupe, a notable accountant in matter of Hours; and his whole life was one conti­nual Dinner, like mine Host at Rouillac. [Page 78] But now having Farted out much Fat for Ten years together, and water'd the Mari­golds with much Wine of his own Burn­ing, according to the custom of the Coun­trey, he was drawing towards his Burst­ing hour; for neither the inner thin kell wherewith the Intrals are cover'd, nor his skin that had been jagg'd and mangl'd so many years, were able to hold and enclose his Guts any longer, or hinder them from forcing their way out; like a Wine-Vessel whose sides fly out. Pray, quoth Panurge, is there no remedy, no help, for the poor Man, good People? Why don't you swad­dle him round with good tight Girts, or secure his natural Tub with a strong Sor­bopple-tree-hoop? nay, Why don't you Iron-bind him if needs be? This would keep the Man from Flying out and Burst­ing. The word wa [...] not yet out of his mouth, when we hear [...] something give a loud Report, as if a huge sturdy Oak had been split in two; then some of the Neigh­bours told us, that the Bursting was over, and that the Clap, or Crack, which we heard, was the last Fart: And so there was an End of mine Host.

This made me call to mind a saying of the venerable Abbot of Castillers, the very same who never car'd to hump his Maids but when he was in Pontificalibus. That Pious Person, being much dunn'd, teiz'd, [Page 79] and importun'd by his Relations to resign his Abbey in his old Age, said and profess'd, That he would not Strip till he were rea­dy to go to bed; and that the last Fart which his Reverend Paternity was to utter, should be the Fart of an Abbot.

CHAP. XVIII. How our Ships were Stranded, and we were reliev'd by some People that were Subject to Queen Whims [qui tenoient de la Quinte.]

WE weighed and set Sail with a merry Westerly Gale, when about Seven Leagues off [Twenty two Miles] some gusts, or scuds of Wind suddenly arose, and the Wind ve [...]ring and shifting from Point to Point, was, as they say, like an old Woman's Breech at no certainty; so we first got our Starboard Tacks Aboard, and Haled off our Lee Sheets. Then the Gusts encreas'd, and by fits blow'd all at once from several Quarters; yet we nei­ther setled nor braded up close our Sails, but only let fly the Sheets, not to go against the Master of the Ship's Direction; and thus having let go amain, lest we should spend our Topsails, or the Ship's Quick-side should lye in the Water and she be overset, [Page 80] we lay by and run adrift, that is, in a Landlopers phrase, we temporis'd it. For he assur'd us, that, as these gusts and whirl­winds would not do us much good, so they could not do us much harm, considering their easiness and pleasant strife, as also the clearness of the Sky, and calmness of the Current. So that we were to observe the Philosopher's Rule, Bear, and Forbear: that is, Trim, or go according to the Time.

However these Whirlwinds and Gusts lasted so long, that we persuaded the Ma­ster to let us go and lye at Trie with our main Course; that is, to hale the Tack Aboard, the Sheet close aft, the Boling set up, and the Helm tied close Aboard; so after a Stormy Gale of wind we broke through the whirlwind. But 'twas like falling into Scylla to a [...]oid Carybdis, [out of the Fryingpan into the Fire.] For we had not Sail'd a League, e're our Ships were Stranded upon some Sands, such as are the Flats of St. Maixant.

All our Company seem'd mightily di­sturb'd, except Fryar Ihon, who was not a jot daunted, and with sweet-Sugar-plumb-words comforted now one, and then ano­ther, giving them hopes of speedy assistance from above, and telling them that he had seen Castor at the Main-yard-arm, Oh! that I were but now ashoar, cry'd Panurge, [Page 81] that's all I wish, for my self (at present) and that you who like the Sea so well, had each man of you Two hundred thousand Crowns; I would fairly let you set up Shop on these Sands, and would get a fat Calf dress'd, and a hundred of Faggots, [ i. e. Bottles of Wine] cool'd for you against you come ashoar. I freely consent never to mount a Wife, so you but set me ashoar, and mount me on a Horse that I may go home; no matter for a Servant, I'll be con­tented to serve my self; I am never better treated than when I'm without a Man. Faith old Plautus was in the right on't when he said, the more Servants the more Cros­ses; for such they are, even supposing they could want what they all have but too much of, a Tongue, that most busy, dan­gerous, and pernicious Member of Ser­vants; accordingly 'twas for their sakes alone, that the Racks, and Tortures for Confession were Invented; though some Foreign Civilians in our time have uncivily drawn alogical and unreasonable Consequences from it.

That very moment we spy'd a Sail that made toward us; when it was close by us, we soon knew what was the Lading of the Ship, and who was aboard of her. She was full Freighted with Drums: I was acquainted with many of the Passen­gers that came in her, who were most of [Page 82] 'em of good Families; among the re [...] Harry Cottiral, an old Tost, who had got a swinging Ass's Touchtripe fasten'd to his waste, as the Good women's Bead [...] are to their girdle. In his left hand he held an old over-grown greasy foul Cap, such as your Scald-pated Fellows wear, and in the right a huge Cabbage-stump.

As soon as he saw me he was over­joy'd, and bawl'd out to me, What Cheer ho? How dost like me now? Behold the true Algamana (this he said shew­ing me the Asses Ticklegizard.) This Doctor's Cap is my true Elixir; and this (continued he, shaking the Cab­bage-stump in his Fist) is Lunaria M [...] ­jor, you old Noddy, I have 'em, old Boy, I have 'em; we'll make 'em when thou'rt come back. But pray, Father, said I, whence come you? Whither are you bound? What's your Lading? Have you smelt the salt deep? To these Four Questions he answer'd, From Queen Whims; for Touraine; Alchymy ▪ to the very Bottom.

Whom have you got o' boar'd, said I? Said he, Astrologers, Fortunetellers, Alchymists, Rhimers, Poets, Painters, Projectors, Mathematicians, Watchma­kers, Sing-songs, Musitioners, and the Devil and all of others that are Subject [Page 83] to Queen ^* Whims. They have very fair legible Patents to shew for't, as any body may see. Panurge had no sooner heard this, but he was upon the High-Rope, and began to rail at them like mad. What o' Devil d'ye mean, cry'd he? to set idly here like a pack of loitering Sneaksbies, and see us stranded, while you may help us and tow us off into the Current! A plague o' your Whims, you can make all things whatsoe­ver they say, so much as good Weather and little Children, yet won't make haste to fasten some Hawsers and Cables, and get us off. I was just coming to set you a'float, quoth Harry Quotiral; By Trisme­gistus I'll clear you in a Trice. With this he caus'd 7532810 huge Drums to be un­headed on one side, and set that open side so that it fac'd the End of our Streamers and Pendants; and having fasten'd them to good Tacklings, and our Ship's head to the Stern of theirs, with Cables fasten'd to the Bits abaft the Manger in the Ship's Loof, they towed us off ground at one pull; so easily and pleasantly, that you'd have wonder'd at it, had you been there. For the Dub-o-dub rattling of the Drums, [Page 84] with the soft noise of the Gravel, which murmuring disputed us our way, and the merry Cheers and Huzzaes of the Sailors made an Harmony almost as good as that of the Heavenly Bodies when they roul and are whirl'd round their Spheres, which rat­ling of the Celestial wheels, Plato said he heard some nights in his sleep.

We scorn'd to be behind-hand with 'em in Civility, and gratefully gave 'em store of our Sawsidges and Chitterlings, with which we fill'd their Drums; and we were just a hoisting Two and sixty Hogsheads of Wine out of the Hold, when two huge Whirlpools with great Fury made to­wards their Ship; spouting more wa­ter than is in the River Vienne, [Vigenna] from Chinon to Saumur: To make short. All their Drums, all their Sails, their Concerns, and themselves were sows'd, and their very Hoze were water'd by the Collar.

Panurge was so overjoy'd seeing this, and laugh'd so heartily, that he was forc'd to hold his sides, and it set him into a Fit of the Cholic for two hours and more. [...] had a mind, quoth he, to make the Dogs drink, and those honest Whirlpools e'gad have sav'd me that Labour and that Cost▪ There's Sawce for them; [...] Water's good, saith a Poet, let 'em Pind [...] ­rise upon't; they never car'd for fresh wa­ter, [Page 85] but to wash their Hands or their Glas­ses. This good Salt water will stand 'em in good stead for want of Sal Armoniac and Nitre in Geber's Kitchin.

We could not hold any further discourse with 'em; for the former Whirlwind hin­der'd our Ship from feeling the Helm. The Pilot advis'd us henceforwards to let her run adrift and follow the stream, not bu­sying our selves with any thing, but ma­king much of our Carcasses. For, our only way to arrive safe at the Queendom of Whims, was to trust to the Whirlwind, and be led by the Current.

CHAP. XIX How we arriv'd at the Queendom of Whims, or Enthelechy.

WE did as he directed us for about twelve hours, and on the Third day the Sky seem'd to us somewhat clear­er, and we happily arriv'd at the Port of Mateotechny, not far distant from Queen-Whims, alias the Quintessence.

We met full-but on the Key a great number of Guards and other Military Men that garison'd the Arsenal; and we were somewhat frighted at first, because they made us all lay down our Arms, and [Page 86] in a haughty manner ask'd us whence we came?

Cousin, quoth Panurge to him that ask'd the Question, we are of Touraine, and come from France, being ambitious of pay­ing our Respects to the Lady Quintessence, and visit this famous Realm of Enthelechy.

What do you say, cry'd they? do yo [...] call it Enthelechy or Endelechy? Truly, tru­ly, sweet Cousins, quoth Panurge, we are [...] silly sort of grout-headed Lobcocksan't pleas [...] you; be so kind as to forgive us if w [...] chance to knock words out of joint; as fo [...] any thing else, we are down-right hon [...] fellows, and true hearts.

We have not ask'd you this question without a cause, said they; for a grea [...] number of others who have pass'd thi [...] way from your Country of Touraine, seem' [...] as meer joltheaded Doddipoles, as eve [...] were scor'd o're the Coxcomb, yet spo [...] as correct as other folks. But there ha [...] been here from other Countries a pack [...] I know not overweening self-conceite [...] Prigs, as moody as so many Mules, an [...] as stout as any Scotch Lairds, and no [...]thing would serve these, forsooth, but the [...] must wilfully wrangle and stand out a [...]gainst us at their coming; and muc [...] they got by it after all; Troth we e'en fit [...]ted them, and claw'd 'em off with a venge [...]ance, for all they look'd so big and so gru [...]

[Page 87]'Pray tell me, Do's your time lie so heavy upon you in your world, that you don't know how to bestow it better than in thus impudently talking, disputing and writing of our Sovereign Lady? There was much need that your Tully, the Con­sul, should go and leave the Care of his Commonwealth to busie himself idly about her; and after him, your Diogenes Laerti­us the Biographer, and your Theodorus Gaza the Philosopher, and your Argiropilus the Emperor, and your Bessario the Cardi­nal, and your Politian the Pedant, and your Budeus the Judge, and your Lascaris the Embassador, and the Devil and all of those you call Lovers of Wisdom; whose number it seems, was not thought great enough already, but lately your Scaliger, Brigot, Chambrier, Francis Fleury, and I can't tell how many such other junior sneaking Fly-blows must take upon 'em to en­crease it.

A Squincy gripe the Cods-headed Changelings at the Swallow, and eke at the cover-weesel; we shall make 'em — But the Dewse take 'em; (they flatter the Devil here, and smoothify his name, quoth Panurge, between his Teeth) you don't come here, continu'd the Captain, to uphold 'em in their Folly, you have no Commis­sion from 'em to this Effect; well then, we'll talk no more on't.

[Page 88] Aristotle, that First of Men and peerless Pattern of all Philosophy, was our Sove­reign Lady's Godfather; and wisely and properly gave her the Name of Entelechy. Her true Name then is Entelechy, and may he be in Tail beshit, and entail a Shit-a-bed Faculty, and nothing else on his Fa­mily, who dares call her by any other Name; for whoever he is, he do's her wrong, and is a very impudent person. You are heartily welcome, Gentlemen; with this they coll'd and clipt us about the neck, which was no small Comfort to us, I'll assure you.

Panurge then whisper'd me; Fellow-Traveller, quoth he, hast thou not been somewhat afraid this Bout? a little, said I. To tell you the Truth of't, quoth he, ne­ver were the Ephraimites in a greater fear and quandary when the Gileadites kill'd and drowned them for saying Sibboleth in­stead of Shibboleth; and among Friends, let me tell you, that perhaps there is not a man in the whole Country of Beauce, but might easily have stopt my Bunghole with a Cart-load of Hay.

The Captain afterwards took us to the Queen's Palace, leading us silently with great Formality. Pantagruel would have said something to him; but the other, not being able to come up to his heighth, wish'd for a Ladder, or a very long pair [Page 89] of Stilts; then said Patience, if it were our Sovereign Lady's will, we'd be as tall as you; well, we shall, when she pleases.

In the first Galleries we saw great num­bers of sick persons, differently plac'd ac­cording to their Maladies. The Leprous were apart; those that were poison'd on one side, those that had got the Plague on another. Those that had the Pox in the first Rank, and the rest accordingly.

CHAP. XX. How the Quintessence cur'd the sick with a Song.

THE Captain show'd us the Queen, attended with her Ladies and Gen­tlemen in the second Gallery. She look'd young, tho she was at least Eighteen hun­dred Years old; and was handsom, slen­der, and as fine as a Queen, that is, as hands cou'd make her. He then said to us, 'Tis not yet a fit time to speak to the Queen, be you but mindful of her doings in the mean while.

You have Kings in your VVorld, that fantastically pretend to cure some certain Diseases; as for Example, Scrophube or Wens, swell'd Throats, nick-nam'd the King's Evil, and Quartan Agues, only [Page 90] with a touch; Now our Queen cures all manner of Diseases without so much as touching the sick, but barely with a Song, according to the nature of the Distemper; he then shew'd us a Set of Organs, and said, that when it was touch'd by her, those miraculous Cures were perform'd. The Organ was indeed the strangest that ever Eyes beheld; for, the Pipes were of Cas­sia Fistula in the Cod; the Top and Cor­nish of Guayacum; the Bellows of Rhu­barb; the Pedals of Turbith; and the Clavier or Keys of Scammony.

While we were examining this won­derful new make of an Organ, the Leprous were brought in by her Abstractors, Spo­dizators, Masticators, Pregustics, Tabachins, Chachanins, Neemanins, Rabrebans, Ner­cins, Rozuins, Nebidins, Tearins, Saga­mions, Peratons, Chasmins, Sarins, So­teins, Aboth, Enilins, Archasdarpenins, Mebins, Chabourins, and other Officers, for whom I want names; so she plaid 'em I don't know what sort of a Tune or Song, and they were all immediately cur'd.

Then those who were poyson'd were had in, and she had no sooner given them a Song, but they began to find a use for their Legs, and up they got. Then came on the Deaf, the Blind and the Dumb, and they too were restor'd to their lost Senses with the same Remedy; which did so [Page 91] strangely amaze us (and not without reason, I think) that down we fell on our faces, re­maining prostrate like men ravish'd in Ex­tasy, and were not able to utter one word thro the excess of our Admiration, till she came, and having touch'd Pantagruel with a fine fragrant Nosegay of white Roses, which she held in her hand, thus made us reco­ver our Senses and get up. Then she made us the following Speech in Byssin Words, such as Parisatis desir'd should be spoken to her Son Cyrus, or at least of Crim­son Alamode.

The Probity that scintillizes in the Su­perficies of your Persons, informs my ra­tiocinating Faculty, in a most stupendous manner, of the radiant Vertues, latent with­in the precious Caskets and Ventricles of your Minds. For, contemplating the mel­lifluous Suavity of your thrice discreet Reverences, 'tis impossible not to be per­swaded with Facility, that neither your Affections nor your Intellects are vitiated with any defect, or Privation of liberal and exalted Sciences; far from it, all must judge that in you are lodg'd a Cornucopia, an Encyclopedia, an unmeasurable Profun­dity of Knowledge in the most peregrine and sublime Disciplines; so frequently the Admiration, and so rarely the Concomi­tants of the imperite vulgar. This gently compels me, who in preceding Times [Page 92] indefatigably kept my private Affectious absolutely subjugated, to condescend to make my Application to you in the tri­vial Phrase of the Plebeian World; and assure you, that you are well, most well, most heartily well, more than most hearti­ly welcome.

I have no hand at making of Speeches, quoth Panurge to me privately; prithee, man, make answer to her for us if thou canst; this would not work with me however, neither did Pantagruel return a word; so that Queen- Whims, or Queen Quin­tessence (which you please) perceiving that we stood as mute as Fishes, said: Your Taciturnity speaks you not only Disciples of Pythagoras, from whom the venerable Antiquity of my Progenitors in successive propagation was eman'd and derives its Original; but also discovers, that, through the Revolution of many Retrograde Moons, you have in Egypt press'd the Extremities of your Fingers, with the hard Tenants of your Mouths, and scalptiz'd your heads with frequent applications of your Un­guicules. In the School of Pythagoras, Ta­citurnity was the Symbol of abstracted and superlative Knowledge; and the silence of the Egyptians was agnited as an expres­sive manner of Divine Adoration: This caus'd the Pontifs of Hieropolis to Sacrifice to the great Deity in silence, impercussive­ly, [Page 93] without any vociferous or obstreporous Sound. My design is not to enter into a Privation of Gratitude towards you; but by a vivacious formality, tho matter were to abstract it self from me, excen­tricate to you my Cogitations.

Having spoken this, she only said to her Officers, Tabachins a Panacea; and strait they desir'd us not to take it amiss, if the Queen. did not invite us to dine with her; for she never eat any thing at din­ner but some Categories, Jecabots, Em­nins, Dimions, Abstractions, Harborins, Chelimins, second Intentions, Caradosh, Antitheses, Metempsycoses, transcendent Prolepsies and such other light Food.

Then they took us into a little Closet, lin'd through with Alarums, where we were treated God knows how. 'Tis said, that Jupiter writes whatever is transact­ed in the World, on the Diphthera or Skin of the Amalthaean Goat that suckled him in Crete, which Pelt serv'd him in­stead of a Shield against the Titans, whence he was Nick-nam'd Egiochos. Now, as I hate to drink water, Brother Topers, I protest, it would be impossible to make Eighteen Goat-skins hold the Description of all the good Meat they brought be­fore us; tho it were written in Chara­cters as small as those in which were penn'd [Page 94] Homer's Iliads, which Tully tells us he saw enclos'd in a Nut-shell.

For my part, had I one hundred Mouths, as many Tongues, a Voice of Iron, a Heart of Oak, and Lungs of Leather, to­gether with the mellifluous Abundance of Plato; yet I never could give you a full account of a Third part of a second of the whole.

Pantagruel was telling me, that he be­liev'd the Queen had given the Symbolic Word us'd among her Subjects, to denote Sovereign good Chear, when she said to her Tabachins, A Panacea; just as Lucullus us'd to say, in Apollo, when he design'd to give his Friends a singular Treat, tho sometimes they took him at unawares, as among the rest, Cicero and Hortensius some­times us'd to do.

CHAP. XXI. How the Queen pass'd her Time after Dinner.

WHEN we had din'd, a Chachanin led us into the Queen's Hall, and there we saw how, after Dinner, with the Ladies and Princes of her Court, she used to sift, searse, boult, range, and pass away [Page 95] time with a fine large white and blew Silk Sieve. We also perceiv'd how they re­viv'd Ancient Sports, diverting themselves together at

• ^* 1. Cordax.
• 2. Emmelia.
• 3. Sicinnis.
• 4. Jambics.
• 5. Persica.
• 6. Phrygia.
• 7. Thracia.
• 8. Calabrismes.
• 9. Molossia.
• 10. Cernophorum.
• 11. Monodia.
• 12. Terminalia.
• 13. Floralia.
• 14. Pyrrhice.

And a thousand other Dances.

Afterwards she gave orders that they should show us the Apartments and Curi­osities in her Palace; accordingly we saw there such new strange and wonderful things, that I am still ravish'd in Admira­tion every time I think of't. However [Page 96] nothing surpriz'd us more than what was done by the Gentlemen of her Houshold, Abstractors, Pazarons, Nebidins, Spodi­zators, and others, who freely and with­out the least dissembling, told us, That the Queen their Mistress did all impossible things, and cur'd Men of incurable Diseases; and they, her Officers, us'd to do the rest.

I saw there a young Parazon cure ma­ny of the new Consumption, I mean the Pox, tho they were never so pepper'd; had it been the rankest Roan-ague [ Anglicè, the Covent-garden Gout] 'twas all one to him, touching only their Dentiform Verte­bra thrice with a piece of a Wooden-shooe, he made them as wholesome as so many Sucking-pigs.

Another did thoroughly cure Folks of Dropsies, Tympanies, Ascites, and Hypo­sarcidies, striking them on the Belly nine times with a Tenedian Satchel, without any Solution of the Continuum.

Another cur'd of all manner of Fevers and Agues, on the spot, only with hang­ing a Fox-tail on the left side of the Pati­ent's Girdle.

One remov'd the Tooth-ach only with washing the root of the aking Tooth with Elder-vinegar, and letting it dry half an hour in the Sun.

[Page 97]Another, the Gout, whether hot or cold, natural or accidental, barely making the Gouty-person shut his Mouth, and open his Eyes.

I saw another ease nine good Gentlemen of ^* St. Francis's Distemper, in a very short space of time, having clapt a Rope about their Necks, at the end of which hang'd a Box with ten thousand Gold Crowns in't.

One with a wonderful Engine, throw'd the Houses out at the Windows, by which means they were purg'd of all Pestilential Air.

Another cur'd of all the three kinds of Hectics, the Tabid, Atrophes, and Ema­ciated, without bathing, Tabian Milk, Dropax, alias Depilatory, or other such Medicaments: Only turning the Consum­tive for three Months into Monks; and he assur'd me, that if they did not grow fat and plump in a Monastick way of living, they never would be fatten'd in this World, either by Nature, or by Art.

I saw another surrounded with a Croud of two sorts of Women; some were young, quaint, clever, neat, pretty, juicy, tight, brisk, buxom, proper, kind-hearted, and as right as my Leg, to any Man's thinking. [Page 98] The rest were old, weather-beaten, over-ridden, toothless, blear-ey'd, tough, wrink­led, shrivell'd, tawny, mouldy, ptysicky, decrepit hags, beldams, and walking Car­casses. We were told that his Office was to cast anew those She-pieces of Antiqui­ty, and make them such as the pretty Crea­tures whom we saw, who had been made young again that day, recovering at once the Beauty, Shape, Size, and Disposition, which they enjoy'd at Sixteen, except their Heels that were now much shorter than in their former Youth.

This made them yet more apt to fall backwards whenever any Man happen'd to touch 'em, than they had been before. As for their Counterparts, the old Mother-scratch-tobies, they most devoutly waited for the blessed hour, when the Batch that was in the Oven was to be drawn, that they might have their turns, and in a migh­ty haste they were pulling and hawling the Man like mad, telling him, that 'tis the most grievous and intollerable thing in nature, for the Tail to be o' Fire, and the Head to scare away those who should quench it.

The Officer had his hands full, never wanting Patients; neither did his place bring him in little, you may swear. Pantagruel ask'd him, whether he could also make old Men young again? He said, [Page 99] he could not. But the way to make them new men, was to get 'em to cohabit with a new-cast Female; for thus they caught that fifth kind of Crinckams, which some call Pellade; in Greek, [...], that makes them cast off their old Hair and Skin, just as the Serpents do; and thus their Youth is renew'd like the Arabian Phoenix's. This is the true Fountain of Youth, for there the Old and Decrepit become Young, Active and Lusty.

Just so, as Euripides tells us, Jolaus was transmogrifi'd; and thus Phaon, for whom kind-hearted Sappho run wild, grew young again for Venus's use; so Tithon by Aurora's means; so Aeson by Medea, and Jason al­so, who, if you'll believe Pherecides and Si­monides, was new-vamp'd and died by that Witch; and so were the Nurses of Jolly Bacchus, and their Husbands, as Es­chinus relates.

CHAP. XXII. How Queen Whims's Officers were em­ploy'd; and how the said Lady re­tain'd us among her Abstractors.

I Then saw a great number of the Queen's Officers, who made Black-a-moors white, as fast as Hops, just rubbing their [Page 100] Bellies with the Bottom of a Pannier.

Others with three Couples of Foxes in one Yoke, plow'd a Sandy-shoar, and did not lose their Seed.

Others wash'd burnt Tiles, and made them lose their Colour.

Others extracted Water out of Pumice-Stones, braying them a good while in a Mortar, and chang'd their substance.

Others sheer'd Asses, and thus got Long-fleece-wooll.

Others gather'd Barberries and Figs off of Thistles.

Others stroak'd He-goats by the Dugs, and sav'd their Milk in a Sieve; and much they got by it.

Others taught Cows to dance, and did not lose their fidling.

Others pitch'd Nets to catch the Wind, and took Cock-lobsters in them.

I saw a young Spodizator, who very ar­tificially got Farts out of a dead Ass, and sold 'em for five pence an Ell.

Another did putrify Beetles. O the dain­ty Food!

Poor Panurge fairly casted up his Ac­compts, and gave up his half-penny, [i. e. vomited] seeing an Archafdarpenin, who laid a huge plenty of Chamberlee to pu­trify in Horse-dung, mish-mash'd with a­bundance of Christian Sir Reverence; pugh, fie upon him, nasty Dog. However, he [Page 101] told us, that with this sacred Distillation, he water'd Kings and Princes, and made their sweet Lives a fathom or two the lon­ger.

Others built Churches to jump over the Steeples.

Others set Carts before the Horses, and began to flay Eels at the Tail; neither did those Eels cry before they were hurt, like those of Melun.

Others out of nothing made great things, and made great things return to nothing.

Others cut Fire into Stakes with a Knife, and drew Water with a Fish-net.

Others made Chalk of Cheese, and Ho­ney of a Dog's T—d.

We saw a knot of others, about a Ba­ker's dozen in Number, tippling under an Arbour. They top'd out of jolly bottom­less Cups, four sorts of cool, sparkling, pure, delicious Vine-tree Syrup, which went down like Mother's Milk; and Healths and Bumpers flew about like Lightning. We were told, that these true Philosophers were fairly multiplying the Stars by drink­ing till the Seven were Fourteen, as braw­ny Hercules did with Atlas.

Others made a Virtue of Necessity, and the best of a bad Market, which seem'd to me a very good piece of Work.

[Page 102]Others made Alchymy [i. e. Sir-reve­rence] with their Teeth, and clapping their Hind-retort to the Recipient, made scurvy Faces, and then squeez'd.

Others in a large Grass-plat, exactly measur'd how far the Fleas could go at a Hop, a Step, and Jump; and told us, that this was exceeding useful for the Ru­ling of Kingdoms, the Conduct of Armies, and the Administration of Commonwealths. And that Socrates, who first had got Philoso­phy out of Heaven, and from idle and tri­fling, made it profitable and of moment, us'd to spend half his Philosophizing time in measuring the leaps of Fleas, as Aristo­phanes, the Quintessential, affirms.

I saw two Gibroins by themselves, keep­ing Watch on the top of a Tower; and we were told, they guarded the Moon from the Wolves.

In a blind Corner, I met four more very hot at it, and ready to go to Logger-heads. I ask'd what was the cause of the stir and ado, the mighty coil and pother they made? And I heard that for four live-long-days, those over-wise Roisters had been at it ding-dong, disputing on three high, more than Metaphysical Propositions, promising themselves Mountains of Gold by solving them: The first was concerning a He-asses Shadow: The second, of the Smoke of a Lanthorn: And the third, of Goat's Hair, [Page 103] whether it were Wool or no? We heard that they did not think it a bit strange, that two Contradictions in Mode, Form, Figure, and Time, should be true. Tho I'll warrant the Sophists of Paris had rather be unchrist'ned than own so much.

While we were admiring all those men's wonderful doings, the Evening Star alrea­dy twinkling; the Queen (God bless her) appear'd attended with her Court, and again amaz'd and dazled us. She perceiv'd it, and said to us;

What occasions the Aberrations of hu­mane Cogitations through the perplexing Labyrinths and Abysses of Admiration, is not the Source of the Effects, which sagacious Mortals visibly experience to be the conse­quential Result of Natural Causes; 'Tis the Novelty of the Experiment, which makes Impressions on their conceptive, cogitative Faculties, that do not previse the facility of the operation adequately, with a subact and sedate Intellection, associated with diligent and congruous Study. Consequently let all manner of Perturbation abdicate the Ventricles of your Brains, if any one has invaded them while you were contempla­ting what is transacted by my Domestick Ministers. Be Spectators and Auditors of every particular Phaenomenon, and every individual Proposition, within the extent of my Mansion, satiate your selves with [Page 104] all that can fall here under the Considera­tion of your Visual or Auscultating Powers, and thus emancipate your selves from the Servitude of Crassous▪ Ignorance. And that you may be induc'd to apprehend how sincerely I desire this, in considera­tion of the studious Cupidity, that so de­monstratively emicates at your external Organs, from this present Particle of time, I retain you as my Abstractors. Geber, my Principal Talachin, shall Register and Ini­tiate you at your Departing.

We humbly thank'd her Queenship, without saying a word, accepting of the Noble Office she conferr'd on us.

CHAP. XXIII. How the Queen was serv'd at Dinner, and of her way of eating.

QUeen Whims after this, said to her Gentlemen, The Orifice of the Ven­tricule, that Ordinary Embassador for the Alimentation of all Members, whether Su­perior or Inferior, importunes us to restore by the Apposition of Idoneous Sustenance, what was dissipated by the internal Cali­dity's Action on the Radical Humidity. Therefore Spodizators, Gesinins, Memains, and Arazons, be not culpable of Dilatory [Page 105] Protractions in the Apposition of every re-roborating Species, but rather let 'em pullulate and super-abound on the Tables. As for you, Nobilissim Praegustators, and my Gentilissim Masticators, your frequent­ly experimented Industry internected with perdiligent Sedulity, and sedulous Perdili­gence, continually adjuvates you to perfi­ciate all things in so expedititious a manner, that there is no necessity of exciting in you a Cupidity to consummate them. There­fore I can only suggest to you still to ope­rate, as you are assuefacted indefatigably to operate.

Having made this fine Speech, she retir'd for a while with part of her Women, and we were told, that 'twas to bathe, as the Ancients did, more commonly than we use now-a-days to wash our Hands before we eat. The Tables were soon plac'd, the Cloath spread, and then the Queen sate down; she eat nothing but Coelestial Am­brosia, and drank nothing but Divine Nectar: As for the Lords and Ladies that were there, they as well as we, far'd on as rare, costly, and dainty Dishes, as ever Apicius wot or dream'd of in his Life.

When we were as round as Hoops, and as full as Eggs, with stuffing the Gut, an ^* Olla Podrida was set before us, to force Hunger to come to terms with us, in case [Page 106] it had not granted us a Truce; and such a huge vast thing it was, that the Plate which Pythius Althius gave King Darius, would hardly have cover'd it. The O [...] consisted of several sorts of Pottages, Sa­lads, Fricasees, Saugrenees, Cabirotadoes, Rost and Boil'd-meat, Carbonadoes, swind­ging pieces of Powder'd-beef, good old Hams, dainty Somates, Cakes, Tarts, a world of Curds after the Morisk-way, fresh Cheese, Gellies and Fruit of all sorts. All this seem'd to me good and dainty; however the sight of it made me sigh; for alas; I could not taste a bit on't; so full I had fill'd my Puddings before, and a Belliful's a Belliful you know. Yet I must tell you what I saw, that seem'd to me odd enough o' Conscience; 'twas some Pasties in Paste; and what should those Pasties in Paste be, d'ye think, but Pasties in Pots? At the bottom I perceiv'd store of Dice, Cards, ^* Tarots, ^* Luettes, Chess-men, and Chequers, besides full Bowles of Gold Crowns, for those who had a mind to have a Game or two, and try their Chance. Under this, I saw a Jolly Com­pany of Mules in stately Trappings, with Velvet foot-cloaths, and a Troop of Am­bling [Page 107] Nags, some for Men, and some for Women; besides, I don't know how ma­ny Litters all lin'd with Velvet, and some Coaches of Ferrara-make; all this for those who had a mind to take the Air.

This did not seem strange to me; but if any thing did, 'twas certainly the Queen's way of eating, and truly 'twas very new, and very odd; for she chew'd nothing, the good Lady, not but that she had good sound Teeth, and her meat requir'd to be masticated; but such was her Highness's Custom. When her Praegustators had tasted the meat, her Masticators took it and chew'd it most nobly; for their dainty Chops and Gullets were lin'd through with Crimsin Satin with little Welts, and Gold Purls, and their Teeth were of delicate White Ivory; thus, when they had chew'd the Meat ready for her Highness's Maw, they pour'd it down her Throat through a Fun­nel of fine Gold, and so on to her Craw. For that reason, they told us, she never visited a Close-stool but by Proxy.

CHAP. XXIV. How there was a Ball in the manner of a Turnament, at which Queen Whi [...] was present.

AFter Supper there was a Ball in the form of a Tilt or Turnament, not only worth seeing, but also never to be forgotten. First, the Floor of the Hal [...] was cover'd with a large piece of Velvete [...] white and yellow chequer'd Tapistry, eac [...] Chequer exactly Square, and three full Spans in breadth.

Then thirty two young Persons came in­to the Hall; sixteen of them array'd i [...] Cloath of Gold; and of these, eight we [...] young Nymphs, such as the Ancients de [...]scrib'd Diana's Attendants; the other eigh [...] were a King, a Queen, two Wardens [...] the Castle, two Knights, and two Archers Those of the other Band were clad in Cloa [...] of Silver.

They posted themselves on the Tap's [...] in the following manner: The Kings [...] the last Line on the fourth Square, so th [...] the Golden King was on a White Squa [...] the Silver'd King on a Yellow Square, an [...] each Queen by her King; the Gold [...] Queen on a Yellow Square, and the S [...]ver'd Queen on a White one, and on ea [...] [Page 109] side stood the Archers to guard their Kings and Queens; by the Archers the Knights, and the Wardens by them. In the next Row before 'em stood the eight Nymphs; and between the two Bands of Nymphs, four rows of Squares stood empty.

Each Band had its Musicians, eight on each side drest in its Livery; the one with Orange-colour'd Damask, the other with White, and all plaid on different Instru­ments most melodiously and harmonious­ [...]y, still varying in Time and Measure as [...]he Figure of the Dance requir'd. This [...]eem'd to me an admirable thing consi­ [...]ering the numerous diversity of Steps, [...]ack-steps, Bounds, Rebounds, Jerts, [...]aces, Leaps, Skips, Turns, Coupés, Hops, [...]eadings, Risings, Meetings, Flights, Em­ [...]uscadoes, Moves, and Removes.

I was also at a loss, when I strove to [...]omprehend how the Dancers could so sud­ [...]enly know what every different Note [...]eant; for they no sooner heard this or [...]at sound, but they plac'd themselves in [...]e peace which was denoted by the Mu­ [...]ck, tho their Motions were all different. [...]or the Nymphs that stood in the first [...]e, as if they design'd to begin the Fight, [...]arch'd strait forwards to their Enemies [...]om Square to Square, unless it were the [...]st step, at which they were free to move [...]er two steps at once, They alone never [Page 110] fall back [which is not very natural to oth [...] Nymphs] and if any one of them is [...] lucky as to advance to the opposite King [...] Row, she is immediately crown'd Qu [...] of her King, and after that, moves w [...] the same State, and in the same manner [...] the Queen; but till that happens, th [...] never strike their Enemies but forwar [...] and obliquely in a diagonal Line. Ho [...] ever, they make it not their chief B [...]ness to take their Foes, for if they [...] they would leave their Queen expos'd▪ the adverse Parties, who then might [...] her.

The Kings move and take their E [...]mies on all sides square-ways, and o [...] step from a white Square into a yellow [...] and vice versa, except at their first step [...] Rank should want other Officers than [...] Wardens; for then they can set 'em in [...] place, and retire by him.

The Queens take a greater Liberty [...] any of the rest, for they move backwa [...] and forwards all manner of ways, [...] strait Line, as far as they please, provi [...] the place be not fill'd with one of her [...] Party, and diagonally also keeping to [...] Colour on which she stands.

The Archers move backwards or [...]wards, far and near, never changing [...] Colour on which they stand.

[Page 111]The Kights move, and take in a lineal manner, stepping over one Square, tho a Friend or a Foe stand upon it, posting them­selves on the second Square to the right or left, from one Colour to another, which is very unwelcome to the adverse Party, and ought to be carefully observ'd, for they take [...]t unawares.

The Wardens move, and take to the right or left, before or behind them, like the Kings, and can advance as far as they find places empty; which liberty the Kings [...]ake not.

The Laws which both sides observe, is [...]t the end of the Fight, to besiege and en­close the King of either Party, so that he may not be able to move; and being re­duc'd to that extremity, the Battle is over, and he loses the day.

Now to avoid this, there is none of [...]ither Sex of each Party, but is willing to sacrifice his or her Life, and they begin to take one another on all sides in time, as [...]oon as the Mus [...]ick strikes up. When any one takes a Prisoner, he makes his Honours, [...]nd striking him gently in the hand, puts [...]im out of the Field of Combate, and En­ [...]amps were he stood.

If one of the Kings chance to stand where he might be taken, it is not lawful for any of his Adversaries that had disco­ver'd him, to lay hold on him; far from [Page 112] it they are strictly enjoyn'd humbly to pay him their Respects, and give him notice, say­ing, God preserve you, Sir, that his Officers may relieve and cover him, or he may re­move, if unhappily he cou'd not be re­liev'd. However, he is not to be taken, but greeted with a Good morrow, the others bending the Knee; and thus the Turna­ment uses to end.

CHAP. XXV. How the Thirty two Persons at the Ball fought.

THE two Companies having taken th [...] Stations, the Musick struck up, an [...] with a Martial-sound, which had something of horrid in it, like a Point of War, rom' [...] and allarm'd both Parties, who now be [...]gan to shiver, and then soon were warm' [...] with Warlike rage; and having got in [...] readiness to fight desperately, impatient [...] delay, stood waiting for the Charge.

Then the Musick of the Silver'd Ba [...] ceas'd playing, and the Instruments of th [...] Golden-side alone were heard, which de [...]noted that the Golden-party attack'd. Ac [...]cordingly a new Movement was plaid for th [...] Onset, and we saw the Nymph, who stoo [...] before the Queen, turn to the left toward [Page 113] her King, as it were to ask leave to fight; and thus saluting her Company at the same time, she mov'd two Squares forwards, and saluted the adverse Party.

Now the Musick of the Golden Brigade ceas'd playing, and their Antagonists be­gan again. I ought to have told you, That the Nymph, who began by saluting her Company, had by that Formality also given them to understand that they were to fall on. She was saluted by them in the same manner with a full turn to the left, except the Queen, who went aside towards her King to the right; and the same man­ner of Salution was observ'd on both sides, during the whole Ball.

The Silver'd Nymph that stood before her Queen likewise mov'd, as soon as the Musick of her Party sounded a Charge; her Salutations, and those of her side, were to the Right, and her Queens to the left. She mov'd into the second Square forwards, and saluted her Antagonists, facing the first Golden Nymph, so that there was not any distance between them, and you would have thought they two had been going to fight, but they only strike side-ways.

Their Comrades, whether Silver'd or Golden, follow'd 'em in an intercalary Figure, and seem'd to Skirmish a while, till the Golden Nymph, who had first en­ter'd [Page 114] the Lists, striking a Silver'd Nymph in the hand on the right, put her out of the Field, and set her self in her place. But soon the Musick playing a new Mea­sure, she was struck by a Silver'd Archer, who after that was oblig'd himself to retire. A Silver'd Knight then sallied out, and the Golden Queen posted her self before her King.

Then the Silver'd King dreading the Golden Queen's Fury, remov'd to the right, to the place where his Warden stood which seem'd to him strong and well-guarded.

The two Knights on the left, whether Golden or Silver'd, march'd up, and on either side took up many Nymphs, who could not retreat, principally the Golden Knight, who made this his whole business: But the Silver'd Knight had greater De­signs, dissembling all along, and even sometimes not taking a Nymph when he could have done it, still moving on till he was come up to the main Body of his Ene­mies, in such a manner, that he saluted their King with a, God save you, Sir.

The whole Golden Brigade quak'd for fear and anger, those words giving notice of their King's danger; not but that they could soon relieve him, but because their King being thus saluted, they were to lose their Warden on the right Wing, without [Page 115] any hopes of a Recovery. Then the gol­den King retir'd to the Left, and the silver'd Knight took the golden Warden, which was a mighty Loss to that Party. Howe­ver, they resolv'd to be reveng'd, and sur­rounded the Knight that he might not es­cape; he try'd to get off, behaving himself with a great deal of Gallantry, and his Friends did what they could to save him, but at last he fell into the golden Queen's hands and was carried off.

Her Forces not yet satisfied, having lost one of their best men, with more Fury than Conduct mov'd about, and did much mischief among their Enemies: The sil­ver'd Party warily dissembled, watching their opportunity to be even with them, and presented one of their Nymphs to the golden Queen, having laid an Ambuscado, so that the Nymph being taken, a golden Archer had like to have seiz'd the silver'd Queen. Then the golden Knight under­takes to take the silver'd King and Queen, and says, good morrow. The silver'd Ar­cher salutes them, and was taken by a gol­den Nymph, and she her self by a silver'd one.

The Fight was obstinate and sharp: The Wardens left their Posts, and ad­vanc'd to relieve their Friends. The Bat­tel was doubtful, and Victory hover'd o­ver both Armies. Now the Silver Host [Page 116] charge and break through their Enemy Ranks, as far as the Golden King's Te [...] and now they are beaten back; The gol­den Queen distinguishes her self from the rest by her mighty Atchievements, [...] more than by her Garb and Dignity for at once she takes an Archer▪ and go­ing side-ways, seizes a silver'd Warden. Which Thing the silver'd Queen perceiving she came forwards, and rushing on with e [...]qual Bravery, takes the last golden Warde [...] and some Nymphs. The two Quee [...] fought a long while hand to hand; no [...] striving to take each other by Surprize, then to save themselves, and sometime [...] to guard their Kings. Finally, The gol­den Queen took the silver'd Queen; b [...] presently after she her self was taken by the silver'd Archer.

Then the silver'd King had only three Nymphs, an Archer, and a Warden left; and the golden only three Nymphs and the right Knight, which made them fight more slow­ly and warily than before. The two King [...] seem'd to mourn for the Loss of their loving Queens, and only studied and e [...]deavour'd to get new ones out of [...] their Nymphs, to be rais'd to that Dig [...]nity, and thus be married to them. Th [...] made them excite those brave Nymphs [...] strive to reach the farthest Rank, wher [...] stood the King of the contrary Party [Page 117] promising them certainly to have them Crown'd if they could do this. The gol­den Nymphs were beforehand with the others, and out of their number was crea­ted a Queen, who was drest in Royal Robes, and had a Crown set on her head. You need not doubt the silver'd Nymphs made also what haste they could to be Queens; one of them was within a step of the Coronation Place; but there the golden Knight lay ready to intercept her, so that she could go no further.

The new golden Queen, resolv'd to shew her self valiant and worthy of her Advance­ment to the Crown, atchiev'd great Feats of Arms, But in the mean time, the sil­ver'd Warden takes the golden Knight who guarded the Camp; and thus there was a new silver'd Queen, who, like the other, strove to excel in Heroic Deeds at the be­ginning of her Reign. Thus the Fight grew hotter than before. A thousand Stratagems, Charges, Rallyings, Retreats and Attacks were try'd on both sides; till at last the silver'd Queen, having by stealth advanc'd as far as the golden King's Tent, cry'd; God save you, Sir. Now none but his new Queen could relieve him; so she bravely came and expos'd her self to the utmost Extremity to deliver him out of it. Then the silver'd Warden with his Queen, reduc'd the golden King to [Page 118] such a stress, that to save himself, he was forc'd to lose his Queen; but the golden King took him at last. However, the rest of the golden Party were soon taken; and that King being left alone, the silver'd Par­ty made him a low Bow; crying, Good morrow, Sir; which denoted that the sil­ver'd King had got the Day.

This being heard, the Musick of both Parties loudly proclaim'd the Victory. And thus the first Battel ended to the unspea­keable Joy of all the Spectators.

After this the two Brigades took their former Stations, and began to tilt a second time, much as they had done before; on­ly the Music plaid somewhat faster than at the first Battel; and the motions were altogether different. I saw the golden Queen sally out one of the first, with an Archer and a Knight, as it were angry at the former Defeat, and she had like to have fallen upon the silver'd King in his Tent among his Officers; but having been baulk'd in her Attempt, she skirmish'd briskly, and overthrew so many silver'd Nymphs and Officers, that it was a most amazing sight. You would have sworn she had been another Penth [...]silea; for she behav'd her self with as much Bravery as that Amazonian Queen did at Troy.

But this havock did not last long; for, the silver'd Party, exasperated by their [Page 119] Loss, resolv'd to perish, or stop her Pro­gress; and having posted an Archer in Ambuscado on a distant Angle, together with a Knight Errant, her Highness fell into their hands, and was carried out of the Field. The rest were soon routed after the taking of their Queen; who without doubt, from that time resolv'd to be more wary, and keep near her King, without venturing so far amidst her Enemies, unless with more Forces to defend her. Thus the silver'd Brigade once more got the Victory.

This did not dishearten or deject the golden Party; far from it, they soon ap­pear'd again in the Field to face their E­nemies; and being posted as before, both the Armies seem'd more resolute and chear­ful than ever. Now the martial Consort began, and the Music was above a Hemiole the quicker, according to the Warlike Phrygian Mode, such as was invented by Marsias.

Then our Combatants began to wheel a­bout and charge with such a swiftness, that in an instant they made four moves, besides the usual Salutations. So that they were continually in Action, flying, ho­vering, jumping, vaulting, tumbling, cur­vetting, with petauristical Turns and Mo­tions, and often intermingled.

[Page 120]Seeing them turn about on one Foot after they had made their Honours, we compar'd them to your Tops or Giggs, such as Boys use to whip about; making them turn round so swiftly, that they sleep, as they call it, and motion cannot be perceiv'd, but resembles rest its contrary: So that if you make a Point or Mark on some part of one of those Gigs, 'twill be perceiv'd not as a Point, but as a continual Line, in a most divine manner, as Cusanus has wisely observ'd.

While they were thus warmly engag'd, we heard continually the Claps and Epi­semasies which those of the two Bands rei­terated at the taking of their Enemies; and this, join'd to the variety of their Motions and Music, would have forc'd Smiles out of the most severe Cato, the never-laughing Crassus, the Athenian Man-hater Timon; nay, even the whining He­raclytus, tho he abhorr'd Laughing, the Action that's most peculiar to Man. For who could have forborn? seeing those young Warriors with their Nymphs and Queens so briskly and gracefully advance, retire, jump, leap, skip, spring, fly, vault, ca­per, move to the Right, to the Left every way still in Time, so swiftly, and yet so dextrously, that they never touch'd one another but methodically.

[Page 121]As the number of the Combatants les­sen'd, the Pleasure of the Spectators en­creas'd; For the Stratagems and Motions of the remaining Forces were more singu­lar. I shall only add, that this pleasing Entertainment charm'd us to such a degree, that our minds were ravish'd with Admi­ration and Delight; and the martial Har­mony mov'd our Souls so powerfully, that we easily believ'd what is said of Ismenias's having excited Alexander to rise from Table and run to his Arms with such a warlike Melody. At last the golden King remain­ed Master of the Field; And, while we were minding those Dances, Queen-Whims vanish'd, so that we saw her no more from that day to this.

Then Geber's Michelots conducted us, and we were set down among her Abstractors, as her Queenship had commanded. After that, we return'd to the Port of Mateo­techny, and thence strait o' board our Ships; For the Wind was fair, and had we not hoisted Sail out o' hand, we could hardly have got off in three quarters of a Moon in the Wain.

CHAP. XXVI. How we came to the Island of Odes, where the Ways go up and down.

WE Sail'd before the Wind, between a pair of Courses, and in two days made the Island of Odes; at which Place we saw a very strange thing. The ways there are Animals; so true is Aristotle's Saying, that all self-moving things are A­nimals. Now the Ways walk there; Er­go. They are then Animals: Some of them are strange unknown ways, like those of the Planets; others are High-ways, Cross-ways, and By-ways. I perceiv'd that the Travellers and Inhabitants of that Coun­try ask'd whither do's this way go? whi­ther do's that way go? Some answer'd, between Midy and Feurolles, to the Parish Church, to the City, to the River, and so forth. Being thus in their right way, they us'd to reach their Journeys end with­out any further trouble, just like those who go by water from Lyons to Avignon or Arles.

Now, as you know that nothing is per­fect here below, we heard there was a sort of People whom they call'd High-way-men, Way-beaters, and makers of Inroads [Page 123] in Roads; and that the poor ways were sadly afraid of them, and shun'd them as you do Robbers. For these us'd to way­lay them, as people lay Trains for Wolves, and set Ginns for Woodcocks. I saw one who was taken up with a Lord-Chief-Ju­stice's Warrant, for having unjustly and in spight of Pallas taken the School-way, which is the longest. Another boasted that he had fairly taken his shortest, and that do­ing so, he first compass'd his design. Thus Carpalin, meeting once Epistemon looking upon a Wall with his Fiddle-diddle, or live Urinal, in his hand, to make a little Maid's water, cry'd, that he did not won­der now how the other came to be still the first at Pantagruel's Lever, since he held his shortest, and least us'd.

I found Bourges Highway among these. It went with the deliberation of an Abbot, but was made to scamper at the approach of some Waggoners, who threatned to have it trampled under their Horses feet, and make their Waggons run over it, as Tullia's Chariot did over her Father's Body.

I also spy'd there the old Way between Peronne and St. Quentin, which seem'd to me a very good, honest, plain way, as smooth as a Carpet, and as good as ever was trod upon by shoe of Leather.

Among the Rocks I knew again the good old way to la Ferrare, mounted on a huge [Page 124] Bear. This at a distance would have put me in mind of St. Jerome's Picture, had but the Bear been a Lyon; for the poor way was all mortified, and wore a long hoary Beard uncomb'd and entangled, which look'd like the Picture of Winter, or at least like a white-frosted Bush.

On that way were store of Beads or Ro­saries, coursely made of wild Pine-Tree; and it seem'd kneeling, not standing, nor lying flat; but its sides and middle were beaten with huge stones; insomuch, that it prov'd to us at once an Object of Fear and Pity.

While we were examining it, a Runner Batchelour of the Place took us aside, and shewing us a white smooth Way, some­what fill'd with Straw, said, Henceforth, Gentlemen, do not reject the Opinion of Thales the Milesian, who said that water is the beginning of all things, nor that of Homer, who tells us, that all things de­rive their Original from the Ocean: For, this same Way which you see here, had its beginning from water, and is to return whence she came before two months come to an end; now Carts are driven here where Boats us'd to be row'd.

Truly, said Pantagruel, you tell us no news, we see five hundred such changes and more every year in our World. Then reflecting on the different manner of going [Page 125] of those moving Ways; he told us, he believ'd that Philolaus and Aristarchus had Philosophis'd in this Island, and that some indeed were of Opinion, the Earth turns round about its Poles, and not the Heavens, whatever we may think to the contrary; As when we are on the River Loire, we think the Trees and the Shoar moves, tho this is only an effect of our Boat's motion.

As we went back to our Ships, we saw three Way-Layers, who having been taken in Ambuscado, were going to be be bro­ken on the Wheel; and a huge Fornica­tor was burn'd with a lingring Fire, for beating a way, and breaking one of its sides: we were told it was the way of the Banks of the Nile in Egypt.

CHAP. XXVII. How we came to the Island of Sandals; and of the Order of Semiquaver Fryars.

THence we went to the Island of San­dals, whose Inhabitants live on no­thing but Ling Broth. However, we were very kindly receiv'd and entertain'd by Benius the Third, King of the Island; who, after he had made us drink, took [Page 126] us with him to show us a spick-and-span-new Monastery, which he had contriv'd for the Semiquaver Friars; so he call'd the Religious Men whom he had there. For he said, that on t'other side the Water liv'd Friars, who stil'd themselves her sweet La­dyships most humble Servants. Item, the goodly Friar-minors, who are Semibreves of Bulls; the smoak'd-herring Tribe of Minim Friars; then the Crotchet Friars. So that these diminitives could be no more than Semiquavers. By the Statutes, Bulls, and Patents of Queen- Whims, they were all drest like so many House-Burners, ex­cept that as in Anjou, your Bricklayers use to quilt their Knees when they tile houses, so these holy Friars had usually quilted Bellies, and thick quilted Paunches were among them in much Repute: Their Cod­pieces were cut Slipper-fashion, and every Monk of them wore two; one sow'd be­fore, and another behind, reporting that some certain dreadful Mysteries were due­ly represented by this duplicity of Cod­pieces.

They wore Shoes as round as Basons, in Imitation of those who inhabit the sandy Sea. Their Chins were close shav'd, and their Feet Iron-shod; and to show they did not value Fortune, Benius made them shave and powl the hind part of their Poles, as bare as a Bird's Arse, from the Crown [Page 127] to the Shoulder-blades: But they had leave to let their Hair grow before, from the two triangular Bones in the upper part of the Skull.

Thus they did not value Fortune a But­ton, and cared no more for the Goods of this World, than you or I do for hanging. And to show how much they defi'd that blind Jilt, all of them wore, not in their Hands like her, but at their Waste, instead of Beads, Sharp-razors, which they us'd to new grind twice a Day, and set thrice a Night.

Each of them had a round Ball on their Feet, because Fortune is said to have one under hers.

The Flap of their Cowles hang'd for­wards, and not backwards, like those of others; thus none could see their Noses, and they laugh'd without fear both at For­tune and the Fortunate, neither more nor less than our Ladies laugh at bare-fac'd Trulls, when they have those Mufflers on, which they call Masks, and which were formerly much more properly call Cha­rity, because they cover multitude of Sins

The hind part of their Faces were al­was uncover'd, as are our Faces, which made them either go with their Belly, or the Arse foremost, which they pleas'd. When their hind Face went forwards, you [Page 128] would have sworn this had been their Na­tural-gate; as well on account of their round Shooes, as of the double Codpiece, and their Face behind, which was as bare as the back of my Hand, and coursely dawb'd over with two Eyes, and a Mouth, such as you see on some Indian-nuts. Now, if they offer'd to waddle along with their Bellies forwards, you would have thought they were then playing at Blind-man's Buff. May I never be hang'd, if 'twas not a Co­mical sight.

Their way of Living was thus; about Owl light they charitably began to Boot and Spur one another: This being done, the least thing they did, was to Sleep and Snoar; and thus Sleeping, they had Bar­nacles on the Handles of their Faces, or Spectacles at most.

You may swear, we did not a little won­der at this odd fancy; but they satisfi'd us presently, telling us, That the Day of Judgment is to take Mankind napping; therefore to shew they did not refuse to make their Personal Appearance, as For­tune's Darlings use to do, they were always thus Booted and Spur'd, ready to mount whenever the Trumpet should sound.

At Noon, as soon as the Clock struck, they us'd to awake. You must know that their Clock-bell, Church-bells, and Refe­ctuary-bells; were all made according to [Page 129] the Pontial device, that is, quilted with the finest Down, and their Clappers of Fox­tails.

Having then made shift to get up at Noon, they pull'd off their Boots, and those that wanted to speak with a Maid, alias piss, piss'd; those that wanted to Scum­ber, scumber'd; and those that wanted to Sneeze, sneez'd. But all, whether they would or no (poor Gentlemen!) were oblig'd largely and plentifully to Yawn, and this was their first Breakfast (O rigo­rous Statute!) Methought 'twas very co­mical to observe their Transactions; for, having laid their Boots and Spurs on a Rack, they went into the Cloysters: There they curiously wash'd their Hands and Mouths, then sat them down on a long Bench, and pick'd their Teeth till the Pro­vost gave the Signal, whistling through his Fingers; then every He stretch'd out his Jaws as much as he could, and they gap'd and yawn'd for about half an hour, sometimes more, sometimes less, accord­ing as the Prior judg'd the Breakfast to be suitable to the day.

After that, they went in Procession; two Banners being carried before them, in one of which was the Picture of Virtue, and that of Fortune in the other. The last went before, carried by a Semiquavering-Friar, at whose Heels was another with [Page 130] the Shadow or Image of Virtue in one hand, and an Holy-water-sprinkle in the other; I mean of that Holy Mercurial-water, which Ovid describes in his de fasti [...]. And as the preceeding Semiquaver rang a Hand-bell, this shak'd the Sprinkle with his First. With that, says Pantagruel, This Order contradicts the Rule which Tully and the Academics prescrib'd, That Virtue ought to go before, and Fortune follow. But they told us, they did as they ought, seeing their Design was to breech, lash, and bethwack Fortune.

During the Processions they trill'd and quaver'd most melodiously betwixt their Teeth I don't know what Antiphones, or Chantings by turns: For my part, 'twas all Hebrew-Greek to me, the Devil a word I could pick out on't; at last prick­ing up my Ears, and intensely listning, I perceiv'd they only sang with the Tip of theirs. O, what a rare Harmony it was! How well 'twas tun'd to the sound of their Bells! You'll never find these to jar, that you won't. Pantagruel made a notable Observation upon the Processions; for, says he, have you seen and observ'd the policy of these Semiquavers? To make an end of their Procession, they went out at one of the Church-doors, and came in at the other; they took a deal of care not to come in at the place whereat they went [Page 131] out. On my honour, these are a subtle sort of people, quoth Panurge, they have as much wit as three folks, Two Fools and a mad man; they are as wise as the Calf that ran Nine miles to suck a Bull, and when he came there 'twas a Steer. This Subtilty and Wisdom of theirs, cry'd Friar Ihon, is bor­row'd from the Occult Philosophy, may I be gutted like an Oyster, if I can tell what to make on't. Then the more 'tis to be fear'd, said Pantagruel; for Subtilty suspe­cted, Subtilty foreseen, Subtilty found out, loses the Essence and very Name of Subtil­ty, and only gains that of Blockishness. They are not such fools as you take them to be, they have more Tricks than are good, I doubt.

After the Procession, they went slug­gingly into the Fratry-Room by the way of walk and healthful Exercise, and there kneel'd under the Tables, leaning their Breasts on Lanterns. While they were in that Posture, in came a huge Sandal, with a Pitch fork in his hand, who us'd to baste, rib-roast, swaddle, and swindge them well-favour'dly, as they said, and in truth trea­ted them after a fashion. They began their Meal as [...] you end yours, with Cheese, and ended it with Mustard and Lettice, as Martial tells us the Ancients did. After­wards a Platter full of Mustard was brought before every one of them; and thus they [Page 132] made good the Proverb, After Meat comes Mustard.

Their Diet was this.

O' Sundays they stuff'd their Puddings with Puddings, Chitterlings, Links, Bolo­nia-Sawcidges, Forc'd-meats, Liverings, Hogs-haslets, young Quails, and Teals; you must also always add Cheese for the first Course, and Mustard for the last.

O' Mondays, they were cramm'd with Pease and Pork, cum commento, and inter­lineary Glosses.

O' Tuesdays, they us'd to twist store of Holy-bread, Cakes, Buns, Puffs, Lenten-Loaves, Jumbals and Biscuits.

O' Wednesdays, my Gentlemen had fine Sheeps-heads, Calves-heads, and Brocks-heads, of which there's no want in that Country.

O' Thursdays, they guzzled down seven sorts of Porridge, not forgetting Mu­stard.

O' Frydays, they munch'd nothing but Services or Sorbapples; neither were these full ripe, as I guess'd by their Com­plexion.

O' Saturdays, they gnaw'd Bones, not that they were poor or needy, for every Mother's Son of 'em had a very good fat Belly-Benefice.

As for their Drink, 'twas an Antifortunal, thus they call'd I don't know what sort of a Liquor of the place.

[Page 133]When they wanted to eat or drink, they turn'd down the Back-points or Flaps of their Cowls forwards, below their Chins, and that serv'd 'em instead of Gorgets or Slabberring-Bibs.

When they had well din'd, they pray'd rarely, all in Quavers and Shakes; and the rest of the day, expecting the day of Judg­ment, they were taken up with Acts of Charity. And particularly,

O' Sundays, Rubbers at Cuffs.

O' Mondays, lending each other Flirts and Fillups on the Nose.

O' Tuesdays, clapperclawing one ano­ther.

O' Wednesdays, sniting and fly-flapping,

O' Thursdays, worming and pumping,

O' Fridays, tickling,

O' Saturdays, jirking and firking one another.

Such was their Diet when they resided in the Convent, and if the Prior of the Monk-house sent any of them abroad, then they were strictly enjoyn'd, neither to touch nor eat any manner of Fish, as long as they were on Sea or Rivers; and to abstain from all manner of Flesh whenever they were at Land, that every one might be con­vinc'd, that while they enjoy'd the Object, they deni'd themselves the Power, and even the Desire, and were no more mov'd with it, than the Marpesian Rock.

[Page 134]All this was done with proper Anti­phones, still sung and chanted by Ear, as we have already observ'd.

When the Sun went to bed, they fairly Booted and Spurr'd each other as before, and having clapt on their Barnicles, e'en jogg'd to bed too. At Midnight the Sandal came to them, and up they got, and having well whetted and set their Rasors, and been a processioning, they clapt the Tables over themselves, and like wire-drawers under their work, fell to it as aforesaid.

Friar Ihon des Entoumeures, having shrewd­ly observ'd these jolly Semiquaver-Friars, and had a full account of their Statutes, lost all patience, and cry'd out aloud; Bounce Tail, and God ha' mercy Guts; if every Fool should wear a Bable, Fewel would be dear. A Plague rot it, we must know how many Farts go to an Ounce; would Priapus were here as he us'd to be at the nocturnal Festivals in Crete, that I might see him play backwards and wriggle and shake to the purpose. Ay, ay, this is the World, and t'other is the Country; may I never piss, if this be notan Antichthonian Land, and our very Antipodes: In Germany they pull down Monasteries and unfrockifie the Monks; here they go quite Kam, and act clean contrary to others, setting new ones up, against the hair.

CHAP. XXVIII. How Panurge ask'd a Semiquaver Fry­ar many questions. and was only an­swer'd in Monosyllables.

PAnurge, who had since been wholly ta­ken up with staring at these Royal Semiquavers, at last pull'd one of them by the Sleeve, who was as lean as a Rake, and ask'd him,

Hark 'e me, Friar Quaver, Semiquaver, Demisemiquavering Quaver, where's the Punk?

The Fryar pointing downwards, an­swer'd, There.

Pray have you many?

Few.

How many Scores have you?

One.

How many would you have?

Five.

Where do you hide 'em?

Here.

I suppose they are not all of one age; but pray how is their Shape?

Straight.

Their Complexion?

Clear.

Their Hair?

Fair.

Their Eys?

[Page 136]

Black.

Their Features?

Good.

Their Brows?

Small.

Their Graces?

Ripe.

Their Looks?

Free.

Their Feet?

Flat.

Their Heels?

Short.

Their lower Parts?

Rare.

And their Arms?

Long.

What do they wear on their hands?

Gloves.

What sorts of Rings on their Fin­gers?

Gold.

What Rigging do you keep 'em in?

Cloath.

What sort of Cloath is it?

New.

What Colour?

Sky.

What kind of Cloath is it?

Fine.

What Caps do they wear?

Blew.

[Page 137]

What 'the Colour of their Stockins?

Red.

What wear they on their Feet?

Pumps.

How do they use to be?

Fowl.

How do they use to walk?

Fast.

Now let's talk of the Kitchin, I mean that of the Harlots, and without go­ing hand over head, let's a little examine things by particulars. What is in their Kit­chins?

Fire.

What Fuel feeds it?

Wood.

What sort of Wood is't?

Dry.

And of what kind of Trees?

Yews.

What are the Faggots and Brushes of?

Holme.

What Wood d'ye burn in your Chambers?

Pine.

And of what other Trees?

Line.

Harkee me, as for the Buttocks, I'll go your halves: Pray, how do you feed 'em?

[Page 138]

Well.

First, what do they eat?

Bread.

Of what Complexion?

White.

And what else?

Meat.

How do they love it drest?

Rost.

What sort of Porridge?

None.

Are they for Pies and Tarts?

Much.

There I'm their Man. Will Fish go down with them?

Well.

And what else?

Eggs.

How do they like 'em?

Boild.

And how must they be done?

Hard.

Is this all they have?

No.

What have they besides then?

Beef.

And what else?

Pork.

And what more?

Geese.

What then?

Ducks.

[Page 139]

And what besides?

Cocks.

What do they season their Meat with?

Salt.

What Sawce are the most dainty for?

Must.

What's their last Course?

Rice.

And what else?

Milk.

What besides?

Pease.

What sort?

Green.

What do they boil 'em with?

Pork.

What fruit do they eat?

Good.

How?

Raw.

What do they end with?

Nuts.

How do they drink?

Neat.

What Liquor?

Wine.

What sort?

White.

In Winter?

Strong.

[Page 140]

In the Spring?

Brisk.

In Summer?

Cool.

In Autumn?

New.

Buttock of a Monk! cry'd Frier Ihon, how plump these plaguy Trulls, these arch Se­miquavering Strumpets must be! That damn'd Cattle are so high fed that they must needs be high mettal'd, and ready to winse, and give two ups for one go-down, when any one offers to ride 'em below the Crupper.

Prethee, Friar Ihon, quoth Panurge, hold thy prating Tongue, stay till I have done.

Till what time do the Doxies set up?

Night.

When do they get up?

Late.

May I ride on a Horse that was foal'd of an Acorn, if this be not as ho­nest a Cod as ever the Ground went up­on, and as grave as an old Gate-post into the Bargain. Would to the blessed St. Semi­quaver, and the blessed worthy Virgin St. Semiquaverera, he were Lord Chief President [ Justice] of Paris. Odsbodikins, how he'd dispatch! with what Expedition would he bring disputes to an upshot! what an A­breviator and Clawer off of Law-suits, Reconciler of Differences, Examiner and [Page 141] Fumbler of Bags, Peruser of Bills, Scrib­ler of Rough-drafts, and Ingrosser of Deeds, would he not make! Well, Friar, spare your Breath to cool your Porridge: Come, let's now talk with Deliberation, fair and softly, as Lawyers go to Heaven. Let's know how you Victual the Venereal Camp.

How is the Snatchblatch?

Rough.

How is the Gate-way?

Free.

And how'st within?

Deep.

I mean, what weather is it there?

Hot.

What shadows the Brooks?

Groves.

Of what's the Colour of the Twigs?

Red.

And that of the Old?

Gray.

How are you when you shake?

Brisk.

How is their Motion.

Quick.

Would you have them Vault or Wriggle more.

Less.

What kind of Tools are yours?

Big.

And in their helves?

[Page 142]

Round.

Of what Colour's the Tip?

Red.

When they've been us'd, how are they?

Shrunk.

How much weighs each Bag of Tools?

Pounds.

How hang your Pouches?

Tight.

How are they when you've done?

Lank.

Now, by the Oath you have taken, tell me, when you have a mind to Coha­bit, how you throw 'em?

Down.

And what do they say then?

Fye.

However, like Maids, they say nay, and take it, and speak the less, but think the more; minding the work in hand, do they not?

True.

Do they get you Bairns?

None.

How do you pig together?

Bare.

Remember you're upon your Oath, and tell me justly, and bonâ fide; how ma­ny times o' day you Monk it?

Six.

[Page 143]

How many bouts o' Night?

Ten.

Cat so, quoth Friar Ihon, the poor fornicating Brother's bashful, and sticks at Sixteen, as if that were his stint. Right, quoth Panurge, but couldst thou keep pace with him, Friar Ihon, my dainty Cod? May the Devil's dam suck my Teat, if he does not look as if he had got a Blow over the Nose with a Naples Cowlstaff.

Pray, Friar Shakewell, does your whole Fraternity quaver and shake at that rate?

All.

Who of them is the best Cock o'the Game?

I.

Do you never commit dry Bobs, or Flashes in the Pan?

None.

I blush like any black Dog, and could be as testy as an old Cook, when I think on all this; it passes my Understand­ing. But, pray, when you have been pumpt dry one day, what have you got the next?

More.

By Priapus, they have the Indian-herb, of which Theophrastus spoke, or I'm much out. But harkee me, thou Man of Brevity, should some Impediment honest­ly, or otherwise, impair your Talents, and [Page 144] cause your Benevolence to lessen, how would it fare with you then?

Ill.

What would the Wenches do?

Rail.

What if you skipt, and let 'em fast a whole day?

Worse.

What do you give 'em then?

Thwacks.

What do they say to this?

Bawl.

And what else?

Curse.

How do you correct 'em?

Hard.

What do you get out of 'em then?

Blood.

How's their Complexion then?

Odd.

What do they mend it with?

Paint.

Then; what do they do?

Fawn.

By the Oath you have taken, tell me truly, what time of the year do you do it least in?

Now ^*.

What season do you do it best in?

March.

[Page 145]

How is your performance the rest of the Year.

Brisk.

Then, quoth Panurge sneering, Of all, and of all commend me to Ball, this is the Friar of the World, for my Money; you've heard how short, concise, and compendious he is in his Answers? Nothing is to be got out of him but Monosyllables; by Jingo, I believe he would make three bits of a Cherry.

Dam him, cry'd Friar Ihon, that's as true as I am his Uncle, the Dog yelps at another gat's rate when he is among his Bitches; there he is Polisyllable enough, my Life for yours; you talk of making three bits of a Cherry! God send Fools more Wit, and us more Money; May I be doom'd to fast a whole Day, if I don't verily believe he would not make above two bits of a Shoulder of Mutton, and one swoop of a whole Pottle of Wine; zoons do but see how down o'the mouth the Cur looks? He's nothing but Skin and Bones; he has pist his Tallow.

Truly, truly, quoth Epistemon, this Ras­cally Monastical Vermin all over the World mind nothing but their Gut, and are as ra­venous as any Kites, and then forsooth, they tell us they've nothing but Food and Rayment in this World; 'sdeath, what more have Kings and Princes?

CHAP. XXIX. How Epistemon dislik'd the Institu­tion of Lent.

PRay did you observe, continu'd Episte­mon, how this damn'd ill-favour'd Se­miquaver mention'd March as the best Month for Catterwawling. True, said Pantagruel, yet Lent and March always go together; and the first was instituted to macerate and bring down our pamper'd Flesh, to weaken and subdue its Lusts, and curb and asswage the Venereal rage.

By this, said Epistemon, you may guess what kind of a Pope it was, who first en­joyn'd it to be kept; since this filthy woo­den-shoo'd Semiquaver owns that his Spoon is never oftner or deeper in the Porringer of Letchery than in Lent; add to this, the evident Reasons given by all Good and Learned Physicians, affirming, That through­out the whole Year no Food is eaten, that can prompt Mankind to lascivious Acts, more than at that time.

As for Example, Beans, Pease, Phasels or Long-peason, Ciches, Onions, Nuts, Oysters, Herrings, Saltmeats, Garum, (a kind of Anchovy) and Salads, wholly made up of venereous Herbs and Fruits, as

• [Page 147] Rocket,
• Nose-smart,
• Taragon,
• Cresses,
• Parsly,
• Rampions,
• Poppy,
• Sellery,
• Hop-buds,
• Figs,
• Rice,
• Raisins, and others,

'Twould not a little surprize you, said Pantagruel, should a Man tell you, That the Good Pope, who first order'd the keeping of Lent, perceiving that at that time o' year the Natural heat (from the Centre of the Body, whither it was retired, du­ring the Winter's Cold) diffuses it self as the Sap does in Trees, through the Cir­cumference of the Members, did therefore in a manner prescribe that sort of Diet to forward the Propagation of Mankind. What makes me think so, is, that by the Registers of Christenings at Touars, it ap­pears that more Children are born in Octo­ber and November, than in the other ten months of the Year, and reckoning back­wards, 'twill be easily found that they were all made, conceiv'd, and begotten in Lent.

[Page 148]I listen to you with both my Ears, quoth Fryar Ihon, and that with no small pleasure I'll assure you. But I must tell you, that the Vicar of Jambée ascrib'd this copious Prolification of the Women, not to that sort of Food that we chiefly eat in Lent, but to the little licens'd stooping Mumpers, your little booted Lent-Preachers, your lit­tle draggle-taild Father Confessors; who, during all that time of their Reign, damn all Husbands, that run astray, three Fathom and a half below the very lowest Pit of Hell. So the silly Cods-headed Brothers of the Noose, dare not then stumble any more at the Truckle-bed, to the no small discomfort of their Maids, and are e'en forc'd, poor Souls! to take up with their own bodily Wives. Dixi, I have done,

You may descant on the Institution of Lent as much as you please, cry'd Episte­mon; So many Men, so many Minds: But certainly all the Physicians will be against its being supprest, tho I think that time is at hand, I know they will, and have heard 'em say, Were it not for Lent, their Art would soon fall into Contempt, and they'd get nothing, for hardly any Body would be sick.

All Distempers are sow'd in Lent; 'tis the true Seminary and native Bed of all Diseases; nor do's it only weaken and pu­trifie Bodies, but it also makes Souls mad and [Page 149] uneasy. For then the Devils do their best, and drive a subtle Trade, and the Tribe of canting Dissemblers come out of their holes. 'Tis then Term-time with your cucullated Pieces of Formality, that have one Face to God, and another to the Devil; and a wretched clutter they make with their Ses­sions, Stations, Pardons, Syntereses, Con­fessions, Whipping, Anathematizations, and much Prayer, with as little Devotion. However, I'll not offer to infer from this, that the Arimaspians are better than we are in that Point; yet I speak to the purpose.

Well, quoth Panurge, to the Semiquaver Fryar, who happen'd to be by, Dear bum­basting, shaking, trilling, quavering Cod, what think'st thou of this Fellow, is he a rank Heretic?

Much.

Ought he not to be sindg'd?

Well.

As soon as may be?

Right.

Should not he be scalded first?

No.

How then should he be roasted?

Quick.

Till at last he be?

Dead.

What has he made you?

Mad.

What d'ye take him to be?

[Page 150]

Damn'd.

What place is he to go to?

Hell.

But first, how would you have 'em serv'd here?

Burnt.

Some have been serv'd so?

That were Heretics.

Less.

And the number of those that are t [...] be warm'd thus hereafter is?

Great.

How many of 'em d'ye intend to save?

None.

So you'd have them burnt?

All.

I wonder, said Epistemon to Panurge, what pleasure you can find in talking thus with this lowsy Tatterdemallion of a Monk; I vow, did not I know you well, I might be ready to think you had no more wit in your head, than he has in both his shoulders. Come, come, scatter no words, return'd Panurge, every one as they like, as the Wo­man said when she kiss'd her Cow; I wish I might carry him to Gargantua; when I'm married he might be my Wife's Fool. And make you one, cry'd Epistemon. Well said, quoth Fryar Ihon, now, poor Panurge, take that along with thee, thou'rt e'en fitted; [Page 151] 'tis a plain case, thou'lt never scape wearing the Bull's Feather; thy Wife will be as common as the high-way, that's cer­tain.

CHAP. XXX. How we came to the Land of Satin.

HAving pleas'd our selves with observ­ing that new Order of Semiquaver Fryars, we set Sail, and in three days our Skip­permade the finest and most delightful Island that ever was seen; he call'd it the Island of Frize; for, all the ways were of Frize.

In that Island is the Land of Satin, so celebrated by our Court Pages. Its Trees and Shrubs never lose their Leaves or Flowers, and are all Damask and flower'd Velvet: As for the Beasts and Birds, they are all of Tapestry-work. There we saw many Beasts, Birds and Trees of the same Colour, Bigness and Shape of those in our Country, with this difference, however, that these did eat nothing, and never sung, or bit like ours; and we also saw there ma­ny sorts of Creatures which we had never seen before.

Among the rest, several Elephants in va­rious Postures; twelve of which were the six Males and six Females that were brought [Page 152] to Rome by their Governour in the Time of Germanicus, Tiberius's Nephew; some of them were Learned Elephants, some Musicians, others Philosophers, Dancers, and Showers of Tricks, and all sat down at Table in good Order, silently eating and drinking like so many Fathers in a Fratry-room.

With their Snouts or Proboscis's some two Cubits long, they draw up water for their own drinking, and take hold of Palm Leaves, Plumbs, and all manner of Edi­bles, using them offensively or defensively, as we do our Fists; with them tossing men high into the Air in Fight, and making them burst out with laughing when they come to the ground.

They have Joints, whatever some men, who doubtless never saw any but Painted, may have written to the contrary. Be­tween their Teeth they have two huge Horns; thus Juba call'd 'em, and Pausa­nias tells us, they are no Teeth, but Horns: However, Philostratus will have 'em to be Teeth, and not Horns. 'Tis all one to me, provided you will be pleas'd to own them to be true Ivory. These are some three or four Cubits long, and are fixt in the upper Jaw-bone, and consequently not in the lowermost. If you hearken to those who will tell you the contrary, you'll find your selves damnably mistaken, for that's a Lye with a Latchet: Tho 'twere Aelia [...] [Page 153] that Long-Bow-man that told you so, ne­ver believe him, for he lyes as fast as a Dog can trot. 'Twas in this very Island that Pliny, his Brother tell-truth, had seen some Elephants dance on the Rope with Bells, and whip over the Tables, Presto, be gone, while people were at Feasts, with­out so much as touching the Toping To­pers, or the Topers toping.

I saw a Rhinoceros there, just such a one as Harry Clerberg had formerly shew'd me; methought it was not much unlike a cer­tain Boar which I had formerly seen at Limoges, except the sharp Horn on its Snout, that was about a Cubit long; by the means of which that Animal dares encounter with an Elephant, that is some­times kill'd with its Point thrust into its Belly, which is its most tender and de­fenceless part.

I saw there two and thirty Unicorns; they are a curst sort of Creatures, much resembling a fine Horse, unless it be that their Heads are like a Stags, their Feet like an Elephants, their Tails like a wild Boar's, and out of each of their Foreheads sprouts out a sharp black Horn, some six or seven Foot long; commonly it dangles down like a Turkey-Cock's Comb. When an Unicorn has a mind to fight, or put it to any other use, what does it do but make it stand, and then 'tis as straight as an Arrow.

[Page 154]I saw one of them, which was attended with a Throng of other wild Beasts, pu­rify a Fountain with its Horn. With that Panurge told me, that his Prancer, alias his Nimble-Wimble, was like the Unicorn, not altogether in length indeed, but in Vertue and propriety: For as the Unicorn purify'd Pools and Fountains from Filth and Venom, so that other Animals came and drank securely there afterwards; In the like manner, others might water their Nags, and dabble after him without fear of Shankers, Carnosities, Gonorrhaea's, Buboes, Crinckams, and such other Plagues caught by those who venture to quench their Amorous Thirst in a common Pud­dle; for with his Nervous Horn he re­moved all the Infection that might be lurking in some blind Cranny of the Me­pbitic sweet-scented Hole.

Well, quoth Friar Ihon, when you are Sped, that is, when you are Married, we'll make a Tryal of this on thy Spouse, meer­ly for Charity-sake, since you are pleas'd to give us so beneficial an Instruction.

Ay, ay, return'd Panurge, and then im­mediately I'll give you a pretty gentle A­gregative Pill of God made up of two and twenty kind Stabs with a Dagger, after the Cesarian way. Cat 'so, cry'd Friar Ihon, I had rather take off a Bumper of good cool Wine.

[Page 155]I saw there the golden Fleece, former­ly conquer'd by Jason, and can assure you on the word of an honest man, that those who have said it was not a Fleece, but a golden Pippin, because [...] signifies both an Apple and a Sheep, were utterly mistaken.

I saw also a Chameleon, such as Aristo­tle describes it, and like that which had been formerly show'd me by Charles Maris a famous Physician of the noble City of I [...]ons on the Rosne; and the said Chameleon liv'd on air just as the other did.

I saw three Hydra's, like those I had formerly seen. They are a kind of a Ser­pent, with seven different Heads.

I saw allso fourteen Phoenixes. I had read in many Authors that there was but one in the whole World in every Centu­ry; but if I may presume to speak my mind, I declare, that those who said this, had never seen any, unless it were in the land of Tapestry; tho 'twere vouch'd by Claudian or Lactantius Firmianus.

I saw the Skin of Apuleius's golden Ass.

I saw three hundred and nine Peli­cans.

Item, Six thousand and sixteen Seleucid Birds marching in Battalia, and picking up stragling Grashoppers in Corn-Fields.

[Page 156] Item, Some Cynamologi, Argatiles, Ca­primulgi, Thynnunculs, Onocrotals, or Bit­terns, with their wide Swallows, Stympha­lides, Harpies, Panthers, Dorcas's or Bucks, Cemas's, Cynocephalis's, Satyrs, Cartasons, Tarands, Uri, Monops's, or Bonasi, Neades, Stera's, Marmosets, or Monkeys, Bugles, Musimons, Byturos's, Ophyri, Scriech Owls, Goblins, Fairies, and Gryphins.

I saw Mid-Lent o' horseback, with Mid-August and Mid-March holding its Stir­rups.

I saw some Mankind-Wolves, Centaurs, Tigers, Leopards, Hyena's, Camelopardals, and Orix's or huge wild Goats with sharp Horns.

I saw a Remora, a little Fish call'd E­chineis by the Greeks, and near it a tall Ship, that did not get o' head an inch, tho she was in the Offin with Top and Top-gal­lants spread before the Wind; I am some­what inclind to believe, that 'twas the ve­ry numerical Ship in which Periander the Tyrant happen'd to be when it was stopt by such a little Fish in spight of Wind and Tide. 'Twas in this Land of Satin, and in no other, that Mutianus had seen one of them.

Fryar Ihon told us, that in the days of Yore, two sorts of Fishes us'd to abound in our Courts of Judicature, and rotted the Bodies and tormented the Souls of those [Page 157] who were at Law, whether noble or of mean Descent, high or low, rich or poor: the first were your April Fish or Makerel, [Pimps, Panders and Bawds] the others your beneficial Remorae's, that is, the Eter­nity of Law-Suits, the needless Lets that keep 'em undecided.

I saw some Sphynges, some Raphes, some Oinces, and some Cepphi, whose fore-feet are like Hands, and their hind-feet like Man's.

Aso some Crocuta's, and some Eales as big as Sea-horses, with Elephant's Tails, Boar's Jaws and Tusks, and Horns as pliant as an Asse's Ears.

The Crocuta's most fleet Animals, as big as our Asses of Mirebalais, have Necks, Tails and Breasts like a Lyon's, Legs like a Stag's, have Mouths up to the Ears, and but two Teeth, one above, and one below; they speak with human Voices, but when they do, they say nothing.

Some people say, that none e're saw an Airy or Nest of Sakers; If you'll believe me, I saw no less than Eleven, and I'm sure I reckon'd right.

I saw some left-handed Halberts, which were the first that I had ever seen.

I saw some Menticores, a most strange sort of Creatures, which have the Body of a Lyon, red Hair, a Face and Ears like a man's, three Rows of Teeth which close [Page 158] together, as if you join'd your hands with your fingers between each other; they have a Sting in their Tails like a Scorpions, and a very melodious Voice.

I saw some Catablepas's, a sort of Ser­pents, whose Bodies are small, but their Heads large without any Proportion, so that they've much ado to lift them up; and their Eyes are so infectious, that whoever sees 'em, dies upon the spot, as if he had seen a Basilisk.

I saw some Beasts with two Backs, and those seem'd to me the merriest Creatures in the World; they were most nimble at wriggling the Buttocks, and more diligent in Tail wagging than any Water-wagtails, perpetually jogging and shaking their dou­ble Rumps.

I saw there some milch'd Craw-fish, Creatures that I never had heard of before in my Life; and these mov'd in very good order, and 'twould have done your heart good to have seen 'em.

CHAP. XXXI. How in the Land of Satin we saw Hear-say who kept a School of Vouching.

WE went a little higher up into the Country of Tapistry, and saw the Mediterranean Sea open'd to the Right and left down to the very bottom, just as the Red-Sea very fairly left its bed at the A­rabian Gulph, to make a Lane for the Jews, when they left Egypt.

There I found Triton winding his silver Shell instead of a Horn, and also Glaucus, Proteus, Nereus, and a thousand other God­lings and Sea-monsters.

I also saw an infinite number of Fish of all kinds, dancing, flying, vaulting, fight­ing, eating, breathing, billing, shoving, milt­ing, spawning, hunting, fishing, skirmish­ing, lying in Ambuscado, making Truces, cheapning, bargaining, swearing and sport­ing.

In a blind Corner we saw Aristotle hold­ing a Lantern in the Posture in which the Hermit uses to be drawn near St. Christo­pher, watching, prying, thinking, and set­ting every thing down.

Behind him stood a Pack of other Philoso­phers, like so many Bums by a Head-Bailiff; as Appian, Heliodorus, Athenaeus, Porphyrius, [Page 160] Pancrates, Archadian, Numenius, Possidonius, Ovidius, Opianus, Olympius, Selenus, Leo­nides, Agathocles, Theophrastus, Demostratus, Metianus, Nymphodorus, Aelian, and five hundred other such plodding Dons, who were full of business yet had little to do; like Chryfippus or Aristarchus of Soli, who for eight and fifty years together did nothing in the world but examin the state and concerns of Bees.

I spy'd Peter Gilles among these, with an Urinal in his hand, narrowly watching the water of those goodly Fishes.

When we had long beheld every thing in this Land of Satin, Pantagruel said, I have sufficiently fed my Eyes, but my Belly is empty all this while, and chimes to let me know 'tis time to go to dinner; Let's take care of the Body, left the Soul abdicate it; and to this effect, let's taste some of these ^* Anacampserotes that hang over our heads. Pshaw, cry'd one, they are meer Trash, stark naught o' my word, they're good for nothing.

I then went to pluck some Mirabolans off of a Piece of Tapistry whereon they hang'd, but the Devil a bit I could chew or swal­low 'em, and had you had them betwixt [Page 161] your Teeth, you would have sworn they had been thrown Silk, there was no man­ner of savour in 'em.

One might be apt to think Heliogabalus had taken a Hint from thence, to feast those whom he had caus'd to fast a long time, promising them a sumptuous, plentiful and imperial Feast after it: For all the Treat us'd to amount to no more than several sorts of Meat in Wax, Marble, Earthen-Ware, painted and figur'd Table-Cloths.

While we were looking up and down to find some more substantial Food, we heard a loud various noise, like that of Paper-mills; so with all speed we went to the place whence the noise came, where we found a diminitive, monstrous, misha­pen, old Fellow, call'd Hear-say; his Mouth was slit up to his Ears, and in it were seven Tongues, each of 'em cleft in­to seven parts. However, he chatter'd, tattled and prated with all the seven at once, of different Matters, and in divers Languages.

He had as many Ears all-over his head and the rest of his body, as Argus formerly had Eyes; and was as blind as a Beetle, and had the Palsie in his Legs.

About him stood an innumerable num­ber of men and women, gaping, list'ning, and hearing very intensely; among 'em I observ'd some who strutted like Crows [Page 162] in a Gutter, and principally a very hand­some bodied man in the Face, who held then a Map of the World, and with lit­tle Aphorisms compendiously explain'd e­very thing to 'em; so that those men of happy Memories grew learned in a Trice, and would most fluently talk with you of a world of prodigious Things; the hun­dredth part of which would take up a man's whole Life to be fully known.

Among the rest, they descanted with great Prolixity on the Pyramids and Hie­roglyphics of Egypt, of the Nile, of Ba­bylon, of the Troglodytes, the Hymantopodes or Crumpfooted Nation, the Blaemiae People that wear their Heads in the middle of their Breasts, the Pygmies, the Cannibals, the Hy­perborei and their Mountains, the Aegypanes with their Goat's-feet, and the Devil and all of others: Every individual word of it by Hear-say.

I am much mistaken if I did not see a­mong them Herodotus, Pliny, Solinus, Bero­fus, Philostratus, Pomponius Mela, Strabo, and God knows how many other Antiquaries.

Then Albert the great Jacobin-Fryar, Peter Tesmoin alias Witness, Pope Pius the Second, Volaterran, Paulius Jovus the Valiant, Jemmy Cartier, Chaton the Armenian, Marco Paulo the Venetian, Ludovico Romano, Pedro Aliares, and forty Cart-loads of other mo­dern Historians, lurking behind a piece of [Page 163] Tapistry where they were at it ding-dong, privately scribling the Lord knows what, and making rare work on't, and all by Hear-say.

Behind another piece of Tapistry on which Naboth's and Susanna's Accusers were fairly represented, I saw close by Hear-say, good store of men of the Country of Perche and Maine, notable Students, and young enough.

I ask'd what sort of study they ap­ply'd themselves to? and was told, that from their youth they learn'd to be Evi­dences, Affidavit-men and Vouchers; and were instructed in the Art of Swearing; in which they soon became such Proficients, that, when they left that Country, and went back into their own, they set up for them­selves, and very honestly liv'd by their Trade of Evidencing. Positively giving their Testimony of all things whatsoever to those who feed them most roundly to do a Job of Journey work for them; and all this by Hear-say.

You may think what you will of it, but I can assure you, they gave some of us Cor­ners of their Cakes, and we merrily help'd to empty their Hogsheads. Then in a friend­ly manner they advis'd us to be as sparing of Truth as possibly we could, if ever we had [...] mind to get Court-preferment.

CHAP. XXXII. How we came in sight of Lantern-Land.

HAving been but scurvily entertain'd in the Land of Satin, we went o' board, and having set Sail, in four days came near the Coast of Lantern-Land. We then saw certain little hovering Fires on the Sea.

For my part I did not take them to be Lanterns, but rather thought they were Fishes, which loll'd their flaming Tongues on the surface of the Sea, or Lampyris's, which some call Cicindela's or Glow-worms, shining there as ripe Barley do's o' nights in my Country.

But the Skipper satisfy'd us that they were the Lanterns of the Watch, or more properly Light-houses, set up in many pla­ces round the Precinct of the Place to dis­cover the Land, and for the safe Piloting in of some outlandish Lanterns, which like good Franciscan and Jacobin Fryars, were coming to make their personal Appearance at the Provincial Chapter.

However, some of us were somewhat suspicious that these Fires were the fore­runners of some Storm; but the Skipper assur'd us again, they were not.

CHAP. XXXIII. How we Landed at the Port of the Lychnobii, and came to Lantern-land.

SOon after we arriv'd at the Port of Lantern-land, where Pantagruel disco­ver'd on a high Tower, the Lantern of Rochel, that stood us in good stead, for it casted a great light. We also saw the Lan­tern of Pharos, that of Nauplion, and that of Acropolis, at Athens, sacred to Pallas.

Near the Port, there's a little Hamblet inhabited by the Lychnobii, that live by Lanterns, as the gulligutted Friars in our Country live by Nuns: They are studious People, and as honest Men as ever shit in a Trumpet. Demosthenes had formerly lan­ternis'd there.

We were conducted from that place to the Palace by three ^* Obeliscolichnys, Mili­tary-Guards of the Port, with high-crown'd Hats, whom we acquainted with the cause of our Voyage, and our Design, which was to desire the Queen of the Country to grant us a Lantern to light and conduct us, during our Voyage to the Oracle of the Holy Bottle.

[Page 166]They promis'd to assist us in this, and added, that we could never have come in a better time, for then the Lanterns held their Provincial Chapter.

When we came to the Royal Palace, we had Audience of her Highness, the Queen of Lanternland, being introduc'd by two Lanterns of Honour, that of Aristo­phanes, and that of Cleanthes, Mistresses of the Ceremonies. Panurge in few words acquainted her with the Causes of our Voy­age, and she receiv'd us with great De­monstrations of Friendship, desiring us to come to her at Supper-time, that we might more easily make choice of one to be our guide, which pleas'd us extreamly. We did not fail to observe intensely every thing we could see, as the Garbs, Moti­ons, and Deportment of the Queens sub­jects, principally the manner after which she was serv'd.

The bright Queen was dress'd in Virgin Christal of Tutia, wrought Damask-wife and beset with large Diamonds.

The Lanterns of the Royal Blood, were clad partly with Bastard-diamonds, partly with Diaphanous Stones, the rest with Horn, Paper, and Oyl'd-cloath.

The Cresset-lights took place according to the Antiquity and Lustre of their Fami­lies.

[Page 167]An Earthen-dark-lantern shap'd like a Pot, notwithstanding this, took place of some of the first Quality, at which I wonder'd much, till I was told, it was that of Epictetus, for which three thousand Drachmaes had been formerly refus'd.

Martial's ^* Polymix Lantern made a very good Figure there: I took particular no­tice of its Dress, and more yet of the Lych­nosanity, formerly consecrated by Canopa the Daughter Tisias.

I saw the Lantern Pensile former­ly taken out of the Temple of Apollo Palatinus at Thebes, by Alexander the Great.

I saw another that distinguish'd it self from the rest by a Bushy Tuft of Crimsin Silk on its Head. I was told, 'twas that of Bartolus, the Lantern of the Civili­ans.

Two others were very remarkable for Glister-pouches that dangled at their waste. We were told, that one was the Greater Light, and the other the Lesser Light of the Pothecaries.

When 'twas Supper-time, the Queen's Highness first sate down, and then the La­dy-lanterns [Page 166] according to their Rank and Dignity.

For the first Course, they were all serv'd with large Christmas-Candles, except the Queen, who was serv'd with a hugeous thick, stiff flaming Taper, of white Wax, somewhat red towards the Tip, and the Royal Family, as also the Provincial Lan­tern of Mirebalais, who were serv'd with Nut-lights; and the Provincial of Lower Poitou, with an arm'd Candle.

After that, god-wot, what a glorious Light they gave with their wicks: I do not say all, for you must except a parcel of Junior Lanterns, under the Government of a high and mighty one. These did not cast a Light like the rest, but seem'd to me dimmer than any long-snuff-farthing Candle, whose Tallow has been half melt­ed away in a Hot-house.

After Supper we withdrew to take some Rest, and the next day the Queen made us chuse one of the most Illustrious Lan­terns to guide us; after which we took our leave.

CHAP. XXXIV. How we arriv'd at the Oracle of the Bottle.

OUR glorious Lantern lighting and directing us to heart's content, we at last arriv'd at the desired Island, where was the Oracle of the Bottle. As soon as Friend Panurge landed, he nimbly cut a Caper with one Leg for Joy, and cry'd to Pantagruel, Now we are where we have wish'd our selves long ago. This is the place we've been seeking with such Toil and Labour. He then made a Complement to our Lantern, who desir'd us to be of good Cheer, and not be daunted or dis­may'd whatever we might chance to see.

To come to the Temple of the Holy Bottle, we were to go through a large Vine-yard in which were all sorts of Vines, as the Falernian, Malvesian, the Muscadine, those of Taige, Beaune, Mirevaux, Orleans, Picardent, Arbois, Coussi, Anjou, Grave, Cor­sica, Vierron, Nerac, and others. This Vine-yard was formerly planted by the good Bacchus, with so great a blessing, that it yields Leaves, Flowers, and Fruit all the Year round, like the Orange Trees at Su­rêne.

[Page 170]Our magnificent Lantern order'd every one of us to eat three Grapes, to put some Vine-leaves in his Shoes, and take a Vine-branch in his left hand.

At the end of the Close, we went un­der an Arch built after the manner of those of the Ancients. The Trophies of a Toper were curiously carv'd on it.

First, On one side was to be seen a long Train of Flaggons, Leathern Bottles, Flasks, Cans, Glass-bottles, Barrels, Nipperkins, Pint-pots, Quart-pots, Pottles, Gallons, and old fashion'd Semaises [swindging Wooden-pots, such as those out of which the Germans fill their Glasses] these hang'd on a shady Arbor.

On another side was store of Garlick, Onions, Shallots, Hams, Botargos, Caviar, Biscuits, Neat's Tongues, Old Cheese, and such like Comfets, very artificially interwo­ven and pack'd together with Vine-stocks.

On another, were a hundred sorts of drinking Glasses, Cups, Cisterns, Ewers, False-Cups, Tumblers, Bowls, Mazers, Mugs, Jugs, Goblets, Talboys, and such other Bacchie Artillery.

On the Frontispiece of the Triumphal Arch, under the Zoophore, was the follow­ing Couplet.

[Page 171]We took special care of that, cry'd Pan­tagruel, when he had read them; for there is not a better, or a more Divine Lantern than ours in all Lanternland.

This Arch ended at a fine large round Alley, cover'd over with the interlaid Branches of Vines, loaded and adorned with Clusters of five hundred different Colours, and of as many various Shapes, not natural but due to the skill of Agricul­ture, some were Golden, others Blewish, Tawny, Azure, White, Black, Green, Pur­ple, streak'd with many Colours, Long, Round, Triangular, Cod-like, Hairy, Great-headed, and Grassy. That pleasant Alley ended at three old Ivy-trees verdant, and all loaden with Rings. Our inlight­ned Lantern directed us to make our selves Hats with some of their Leaves, and cover our Heads wholly with 'em, which was immediately done.

Jupiter's Priestess, said Pantagruel, in for­mer days, would not like us have walk'd under this Arbour. There was a Mystical Reason, answer'd our most perspicuous Lan­tern, that would have hinder'd her. For had she gone under it, the Wine, or the Grapes of which 'tis made, that's the same thing, had been over her head, and then she would have seem'd overtopt and master'd by Wine. Which implies, that Priests, and all Persons who devote them­selves [Page 170] to the Contemplation of Divine Things, ought to keep their minds sedate and calm, and avoid whatever might di­sturb and discompose their Tranquility; which nothing is more apt to do than Drunkenness.

You also, continued our Lantern, could not come into the Holy Bottle's presence, after you have gone through this Arch, did not the noble Priestess Bacbuc first see your Shooes full of Vine-leaves; which A­ction is diametrically opposite to the other, and signifies that you despise Wine, and ha­ving master'd it, as it were, tread it under foot.

I am no Scholar, quoth Friar Ihon, for which I'm heartily sorry; yet I find by my Breviary, that in the Revelation, a Woman was seen with the Moon under her Feet, which was a most wonderful sight. Now, as Bigot explain'd it to me, this was to sig­nify, That she was not of the Nature of other Women, for they have all the Moon at their Heads, and consequently their Brains are always troubled with a Lunacy: This makes me willing to believe what you said, dear Madam Lantern.

CHAP. XXXV. How we went under ground to come to the Temple of the Holy-Bottle; and how Chinon is the oldest City in the World.

WE went under ground through a plaister'd Vault, on which was coursely painted a Dance of Women and Satyrs, waiting on old Silenus who was grin­ning o' Horseback on his Ass. This made me say to Pantagruel, that this Entry put me in mind of the Painted Cellar, in the oldest City of the World, where such Paintings are to be seen, and in as cool a place.

Which is the oldest City in the World, ask'd Pantagruel? 'Tis Chinon, Sir, or Cai­non in Touraine, said I. I know, return'd Pantagruel, where Chinon lies, and the Painted Cellar also, having my self drunk there many a Glass of cool Wine; neither do I doubt but that Chinon is an Ancient Town. Witness its Blazon; I own 'tis said twice or thrice,

But how, continued he, can you make it out that 'tis the oldest Town in the World? where did you find this written? I have found in the Sacred Writ, said I, that Cain was the First that built a Town; we may then reasonably conjecture that from his Name he gave it that of Cainon. Thus, after his Example, most other Founders of Towns have given them their Names; Athena, that's Minerva in Greek, to Athen [...], Alexander to Alexandria; Constantine to Con­stantinople; Pompey to Pompeiopolis in Cilicis; Adrian to Adrianople; Canaan to the Cana­anites; Saba to the Sabaeans; Assur to the Assyrians; and so Ptolemais, Caesarea, Tibe­rias, and Herodium in Judea got their Names.

While we were thus talking, there came to us the great Flask whom our Lantern call'd the Philosopher, her Holiness the Bottle's Governor. He was attended with a Troop of the Temple-Guards all French Bottles in Wicker-Armour, and seeing us with our Javelins wrapp'd with Ivy, with [Page 175] our Illustrious Lantern, whom he knew, he desir'd us to come in with all manner of safety, and order'd we should be im­mediately conducted to the Princess Bacbuc, the Bottle's Lady of Honour, and Priestess of all the Mysteries; which was done.

CHAP. XXXVI. How we went down the Tetradic Steps, and of Panurge's Fear.

WE went down one Marble Step under ground where there was a resting, or (as our Workmen call it) a landing-place; then turning to the left we went down two other Steps, where there was another resting-place; after that we came to three other Steps turning a­bout, and met a third; and the like at four Steps which we met afterwards. There, quoth Panurge, Is it here? how many Steps have you told, ask'd our Mag­nificent Lantern? One, two, three, four, answer'd Pantagruel. How much is that, ask'd she? Ten, return'd he. Multiply that, said she, according to the same Py­thagorical Tetrad? That's ten, twenty, thir­ty, forty, cri'd Pantagruel. How much is the whole, said she? one hundred, an­swer'd Pantagruel. Add, continued she, [Page 174] the first Cube, that's eight; at the end [...] that fatal Number you'll find the Temple-gate; and pray observe, this is the [...] Psychogony of Plato, so celebrated by the Aca­demics, yet so little understood; [...]moiety of which consists of the unity of the two first Numbers full of two Square and two Cubic Numbers. We then went down those Numeral Stairs all underground, and I can assure you in the first place, that our Legs stood us in good stead; for had [...] not been for 'em, we had rowl'd just like so many Hogsheads into a Vault. Second­ly, our Radiant Lantern gave us just [...] much light as is in St. Patrick's Hole in Ire­land, or Trophonius's Pit in Boeotia; which caus'd Panurge to say to her, after we were got down some seventy eight Steps;

Dear Madam, with a sorrowful a king heart, I most humbly beseech your Lan­ternship to lead us back. May I be led [...] Hell if I be not half dead with fear, my Heart's sunk down into my Hose; I am afraid I shall make butter'd Eggs in my Breeches. I freely consent never to many. You have given you self too much trouble on my account; the Lord shall reward yo [...] in his great Rewarder, neither will I be un­grateful when I come out of this Cave o [...] Troglodytes. Let's go back, I pray you▪ I'm very much afraid this is Taenarus, the Low-way to Hell, and methinks I alread [...] [Page 175] hear Cerberus bark. Hark! I hear the Cur, or my Ears tingle; I have no manner of kindness for the Dog; for there never is a greater Tooth-ake, then when Dogs bite us by the Shins: and if this be only Tro­phonius's Pit, the Lemures, Hob-thrushes and Goblins will certainly swallow us alive, just as they devour'd formerly one of Demetrius's Halbardeers for want of Bri­dles. Art thou here, Friar Ihon? Prethee, dear, dear Cod, stay by me, I'm almost dead with fear; hast thou got thy Bilbo? [...]as poor Peelgarlick's defenceless, I'm a naked man thou know'st; Let's go back. [...]oons, fear nothing, cri'd Friar Ihon, I'm by thee, and have thee fast by the Collar, Eighteen Devils shan't get thee out of my Clutches, though I were unarm'd. Never did a man yet want Weapons who had a good Arm with as stout a heart; Heav'n wou'd sooner send down a shower of them; even as in Provence, in the Fields of la Crau, near Mariane, there rain'd Stones (they are there to this day) to help Hercules, who otherwise wanted wherewithal to fight Neptune's two Bastards. But whither are we bound? are we a going to the little Children's Limbo? By Pluto, they'll be­pawh, and conskite us all; or are we go­ing to Hell for Orders? By Cob's Body, I'll hamper, bethwack and belabour all the Devils, now I have some Vine-leaves in my [Page 178] Shooes. Thou shalt see me lay about me like mad, old Boy. Which way? where the Devil are they? I fear nothing but their damn'd Horns; but Cuckoldy Pa­nurge's Bulls Feather will altogether secure me from 'em.

Lo! In a Prophetic Spirit I already see him, like another Actaeon, horn'd, horny, hornified. Prithee, quoth Panurge, take heed thy self, dear Frater, lest, till Monks have leave to marry, thou wedst's some­thing thou dostn't like, as some Cat o'nine Tails, or the Quartan Ague; if thou dost, may I never come safe and sound out of this Hypogeum, this Subterranean Cave, if I don't tup and ram that Disease merely for the sake of making thee a cornuted, cor­niferous Property, otherwise I fancy the Quartan Ague is but an indifferent Bed-fellow. I remember Gripe-men-all threatned to wed thee to some such thing, for which thou callst him Heretic.

Here our Splendid Lantern interrupted them, letting us know this was the Place where we were to have a taste of the Crea­ture, and be silent; bidding us not despair of having the Word of the Bottle before we went back, since we had lin'd our Shooes with Vine leaves.

Come on, then cri'd Panurge, let's charge through and through all the Devils of Hell; we can but perish, and that's soon [Page 179] done: However, I thought to have re­serv'd my Life for some mighty Battel. Move, move, move forwards. I am as stout as Hercules, my Breeches are full of Courage; my heart trembles a little, I own; but that's only an effect of the cold­ness and dampness of this Vault; 'tis nei­ther Fear nor an Ague, Come on, move on, piss, pish, push on. My name's Willi­am Dreadnought.

CHAP. XXXVII. How the Temple Gates in a wonderful manner open'd of themselves.

AFter we were got down the Steps we came to a Portal of fine Jasper of Doric Order, on whose front we read this Sentence in the finest Gold, ENOINΩ AAH [...]EIA, that is, In Wine Truth. The Gates were of Corinthian-like Brass, Massy, wrought with little Vine-branches, finely inemall'd and ingraven, and were equally join'd and clos'd together in their Mortaise without Padlock, Key-chain, or Tie what­soever. Where they join'd, there hang'd an Indian Loadstone as big as an Egyptian Bean, set in Gold, having two Points, Hexagonal, in a right Line; and on each side towards the Wall hang'd a handful of St [...]rdium [Garlick Germander.]

[Page 180]There our Noble Lantern desir'd us not to take it amiss that she went no further with us, leaving us wholly to the Conduct of the Priestess Bacbuc; for she her self was not allow'd to go in, for certain Causes rather to be conceal'd than reveal'd to Mortals. However, she advis'd us to be resolute and secure, and to trust to her for the Return. She then pull'd the Load­stone that hang'd at the folding of the Gates, and throw'd it into a Silver Box fix'd for that purpose; which done, from the Threshold of each Gate she drew a Twine of Crimsin Silk about nine Foot long, by which the Scordium hang'd, and having fasten'd it to two gold Buckles that hang'd at the sides, she withdrew.

Immediately the Gates flew open with­out being touch'd, not with a creaking, or loud harsh noise, like that made by heavy Brazen Gates, but with a soft pleasing Murmur that resounded through the Ar­ches of the Temple.

Pantagruel soon knew the cause of it, having discover'd a small Cylinder or Rowler that join'd the Gates over the Threshold, and, turning like them towards the Wall on a hard well-pollish'd Ophits Stone, with rubbing and rowling, caus'd that harmonious Murmur.

I wonder'd how the Gates thus open'd of themselves to the right and left, and [Page 181] after we were all got in, I cast my Eye between the Gates and the Wall, to en­deavour to know how this happen'd; for one would have thought our kind Lantern had put between the Gates the Herb Aethi­ [...]s, which they say opens some things that are shut; but I perceiv'd that the Parts of the Gates that join'd on the inside were cover'd with Steel; and just where the said Gates touch'd when they were open­ed, I saw two square Indian Loadstones, of a blewish Hue, well polish'd, and half a Span-broad, mortais'd in the Temple-wall. Now, by the hidden and admira­ble Power of the Loadstones, the Steel Plates were put into motion, and conse­quently the Gates were slowly drawn. However, not always, but when the said Loadstone on the outside was remov'd, [...] which the Steel was freed from its [...]ow'r, the two Bunches of Scordium being [...] the same time put at some distance, be­ [...]ause it deadens the Magnes, and robs it of [...] attractive Virtue.

On the Loadstone that was plac'd on the [...]ight side, the following Iambic Verse was [...]ously engraven in Ancient Roman Cha­ [...]acters.

[Page 182]The following Sentence was neatly [...] in the Loadstone, that was on the left.

CHAP. XXXVIII. Of the Temple's admirable Pavement▪

WHen I had read those Inscription I admir'd the Beauty of the Tem [...]ple, and particularly the Disposition of i [...] Pavement, with which no Work that [...] now, or has been under the Cope of He [...]ven can justly be compar'd; not that the Temple of Fortune at Praeneste in Sy [...] Time; or the Pavement of the Gr [...] call'd Alerotum, laid by Sosistratus at P [...]mus. For this here was wholly in C [...]partments of precious Stones, all in the Natural Colours: One of Red Jasper, [...] charmingly spotted. Another of Op [...] A third of Porphyry. A fourth of Lyco [...]my, a Stone of four different Colo [...] pouder'd with sparks of Gold, as [...] as Atoms. A fifth of Agath, strea [...] here and there with small Milk-colo [...] Waves. A sixth of costly Chalcedony, [...] Onyx Stone. And another of Green Jas [...] with certain red and yellowish Ve [...] [Page 183] [...]d all these were dispos'd in a Diagonal [...]ine.

At the Portico, some small Stones were [...]laid, and evenly join'd on the Floor, all [...] their [...]ative Colours, to embellish the Design of the Figures, and they were or­der'd in such a manner, that you would [...]ave thought some Vine-leaves and Bran­ [...]es had been carelessly strow'd on the [...]vement: For in some place they were [...]ick, and thin in others: That Inlaying was very wonderful every where; here, [...]e seen, as it were in the Shade, some [...]ils crawling on the Grapes; there, lit­ [...] Lizards running on the Branches; [...] this side, were Grapes that seem'd yet [...]nish; on another, some Clusters that [...]'d full ripe, so like the true, that [...]y could as easily have deceiv'd Starlings, [...] other Birds, as those which Zeuxis [...]ew.

Nay, we our selves were deceiv'd; for [...]here the Artist seem'd to have strow'd [...] Vine-branches thickest, we could not [...]ear walking with great Strides, lest [...]e should intangle our Feet, just as People [...]over an unequal Stony place.

I then cast my Eyes on the Roof and [...]alls of the Temple, that were all par­ [...]tted with Porphyry and Mosaick Work; which from the left side at the coming in, [...]st admirably represented the Battel, in [Page 184] which the Good Bacchus overthrew the In­dians; as followeth,

CHAP. XXXIX. How we saw Bacchus's Army drawn up in Battalia in Mosaic Work.

AT the beginning, diverse Towns, Hamlets, Castles, Fortresses, and Forests were seen in Flames; and several mad and loose Women, who furiously rip'd up, and tore live Calves, Sheep, and Lambs, Limb from Limb, and de­vour'd their Flesh. There we learn'd how Bacchus, at his coming into India, destroy'd all things with Fire and Sword.

Notwithstanding this, he was so de­spis'd by the Indians, that they did not think it worth their while to stop his Pro­gress, having been certainly inform'd by their Spies, that his Camp was destitute of Warriers, and that he had only with hi [...] a Crew of Drunken Females, a low- [...] old, effeminate, sottish Fellow, continually raddled, and as drunk as a Wheel-barrow with a pack of young Clownish Doddi­poles, stark naked, always skipping and frisking up and down, with Tails and Horns like those of young Kids.

[Page 185]For this Reason the Indians had resolv'd to let them go through their Country with­out the least Opposition, esteeming a Victo­ry over such Enemies more dishonourable than glorious.

In the mean time, Bacchus march'd on burning every thing; for, as you know, Fire and Thunder are his Paternal Arms; Jupiter having saluted his Mother Semele with his Thunder; so that his Maternal House was ruin'd by Fire. Bacchus also caus'd a great deal of Blood to be spilt; which when he is rouz'd and anger'd, principally in War, is as natural to him, as to make some in time of Peace.

Thus the Plains of the Island of Samos, are call'd Paneca, which signifies Bloody, because Bacchus there overtook the Ama­ [...]s, who fled from the Country of Ephe­s [...], and there let 'em Blood, so that they all dy'd of Phlebotomy. This may give you a better insight into the meaning of an Ancient Proverb, than Aristotle does in his Problems; viz. Why 'twas formerly said, Neither eat nor sow any Mint in time of War. The reason is, That Blows are gi­ven then without any distinction of Parts or Persons, and if a Man that's wounded, has that day handled or eaten any Mint, [...]is impossible, or at least very hard to stanch his Blood.

[Page 186]After this, Bacchus was seen marching in Battalia, riding in a stately Chariot, drawn by six young Leopards; he look'd as young as a Child, to shew that all good Topers never grow old; he was as red as a Cherry, or a Cherub, which you please; and had no more Hair on his Chin, than there's in the inside of my Hand; his Fore­head was grac'd with pointed Horns, above which, he wore a fine Crown or Garland of Vine-leaves and Grapes, and a Mitre of Crimsin Velvet; having also gilt Buskins on.

He had not one Man with him, that look'd like a Man; his Guards, and all his Forces consisted wholly of Bassarid [...]s, Evantes, Euhyades, Edonides, Trietheride [...], Ogygiae, Mimallonides, Maenades, Thyiades, and Bacchae; frantick, raving, raging, fu­rious, mad Women, begirt with live Snakes and Serpents, instead of Girdles, dischevell'd, their Hair flowing about their Shoulders, with Garlands of Vine-branches instead of Forehead-cloaths, Clad with Stags or Goat's Skins, and arm'd with Torches, Javelins, Spears, and Halberts, whose ends were like Pine-apples; besides they had certain small light Bucklers, that gave a loud sound if you touch'd 'em ne­ver so little, and these serv'd them instead of Drums: They were just Seventy nine thousand two hundred twenty seven.

[Page 187] Silenus, who led the Van, was one on whom Bacchus rely'd very much, having formerly had many proofs of his Valour and Conduct; he was a diminutive, stooping, palsied, plump, gorbellied, old Fellow, with a swindging pair of stiff-standing Lugs of his own, a sharp Roman Nose, large, rough Eye-brows, mounted on a well-hung Ass; in his Fist he held a Staff to lean upon, and also bravely to Fight, whenever he had occasion to alight; and he was drest in a Woman's yellow Gown. His Followers were all young, wild, clow­nish People, as hornified as so many Kids, and as fell as so many Tigers, naked and perpetually singing and dancing Country-dances; they were call'd Tityri and Satyrs; and were in all Eighty five thousand one hundred thirty three.

Pan, who brought up the Reer, was a monstrous sort of a Thing, for his lower. Parts were like a Goats, his Thighs hairy, and his Horns bolt upright, a Crimsin fie­ry Phiz, and a Beard that was none of the shortest. He was a bold, stout, daring, desperate Fellow, very apt to take Pepper in the Nose for yea and nay.

In his Left hand he held a Pipe, and a crooked Stick in his Right. His Forces consisted also wholly of Satyrs, Aegipanes, Agripanes, Sylvans, Fauns, Lemures, Lares, Elves, and Hobgoblins, and their Number [Page 188] was Seventy eight thousand one hundred and fourteen. The Signal or Word com­mon to all the Army, was Euohe.

CHAP. XL. How the Battle, in which the Good Bacchus overthrew the Indians, was represented in Mosaic Work.

IN the next place we saw the Represen­tation of the Good Bacchus's Engage­ment with the Indians. Silenus, who led the Van, was sweating, puffing, and blow­ing, belabouring his Ass most grievously; the Ass dreadfully open'd its wide Jaws, drove away the Flies that plagu'd it, winc'd, flounc'd, went back, and bestir'd it self in a most terrible manner, as if some damn'd Gad-bee had stung it at the Breech.

The Satyrs Captains, Serjeants, and Corporals of Companies, sounding the Or­gies with Cornets, in a furious manner went round the Army, skipping, capering, bounding, jerking, farting, flying out at Heels, kicking and prancing like mad, in­couraging their Companions to fight brave­ly; and all the delineated Army cry'd out Euohe.

[Page 189]First the Menades charg'd the Indians with dreadful Shouts, and a horrid Din of their brazen Drums and Bucklers; the Air rung again all-a-round, as the Mosaic Work well express'd it. And 'pray, for the future don't so much admire Apelles, Aristides the Theban, and others who drew Claps of Thunder, Lightnings, Winds, Words and Spirits.

We then saw the Indian Army, who had at last taken the Field, to prevent the Devastation of the rest of their Coun­try. In the Front were the Elephants with Castles well garison'd on their backs. But the Army and themselves were put into Disorder; the dreadful Cries of the Bacchae having fill'd them with Consterna­tion, and those huge Animals turn'd Tail, and trampled on the men of their Party.

There you might have seen Gaffer Sile­nus on his Ass, putting on as hard as he could, striking athwart and alongst, and laying about him lustily with his Staff, after the old fashion of Fencing. His Ass was prancing and making after the Ele­phants, gaping and martially braying, as it were to found a Charge, as he did when formerly in the Bacchanalian Feasts. He wak'd the Nymph Lotis, when Priapus full of Priapism had a mind to priapise, while the pretty Creature was taking a Nap.

[Page 190]There you might have seen Pan frisk it with his goatish Shanks about the Maenades, and with his rustick Pipe excite them to behave themselves like Maenades.

A little further you might have blest your Eyes with the sight of a young Satyr who led seventeen Kings his Prisoners, and a Bacchis who, with her Snakes, hawl'd along no less than Two and forty Captains; a little Faun, who carried a whole dozen of Standards taken on the Enemy; and goodman Bacchus on his Chariot, ri­ding to and fro fearless of Danger, making much of his dear Carkass, and cheerfully toping to all his merry Friends.

Finally, we saw the Representation of his Triumph, which was thus; First, his Chariot was wholly lin'd with Ivy, ga­ther'd on the Mountain Meros; this for its scarcity, which you know, raises the Price of every thing, and principally of those Leaves in India. In this Alexander the Great follow'd his Example at his Indian Triumph. The Chariot was draw'd by Elephants join'd together, wherein he was imitated by Pompey the Great at Rome in his African Triumph. The good Bacchus was seen, drinking out of a mighty Urn, which Action Marius ap'd after his Victory over the Cimbri near Aix in Provence. All his Army were crown'd with Ivy, their Javelins, Bucklers, and Drums were also [Page 191] wholly cover'd with it; there was not so much as Silenus's Ass, but was betrapp'd with it.

The Indian Kings were fasten'd with Chains of Gold close by the Wheels of the Chariot; all the Company march'd in Pomp with unspeakable Joy, loaded with an infinite number of Trophies, Pageants, and Spoyls, playing and singing merry Epiniciums, Songs of Triumph, and also rural Lays and Dithyrambs.

At the farthest end was a Prospect of the Land of Egypt; the Nile with its Croco­diles, Marmosets, Ibides, Monkeys, Tro­chilos's, or Wrens, Ichneumons or Pharo's Mice, Hippopotami or Sea-Horses, and o­ther Creatures its Guests and Neighbours: Bacchus was moving towards that Coun­try under the Conduct of a Couple of horn'd Beasts, on one of which was written in Gold, Apis, and Osiris on the other; be­cause no Ox or Cow had been seen in Egypt till Bacchus came thither.

CHAP. XLI. How the Temple was Illuminated with a wonderful Lamp.

BEfore I proceed to the Description of the Bottle, I'll give you that of an admirable Lamp, that dispens'd so large a Light over all the Temple, that tho it lay under ground, we could distinguish every Object as clearly as above it at noon­day.

In the middle of the Roof was fix'd a Ring of massive Gold as thick as my clench'd Fist. Three Chains somewhat less most curiouslly wrought, hang'd about two foot and a half below it, and in a Triangle supported a round plate of fine Gold, whose Diameter or Breadth did not exceed two Cubits and half a span. There were four holes in it, in each of which an empty Ball was fasten'd, hollow within, and open o' top, like a little Lamp; its Cir­cumference about two hands breadth, each Ball was of Precious Stone; One an Ame­thyst, another an African Carbuncle, the third an Opale, and the fourth an Anthra­cites: They were full of burning Water, five times distill'd in a Serpentine Lymbeck, and inconsumptible like the Oyl formerly put into Pallas's Lamp at Acropolis of A­thens [Page 193] by Callimachus, In each of them was a flaming Wick of Asbestine Flax, as of old in the Temple of Jupiter Ammon, such as those which Cleombrotus a most studious Philosopher, and Pandelinus of Carpasium had, which were rather renew'd than con­sum'd by the Fire.

About two foot and a half below that gold Plate, the three Chains were fasten'd to three Handles that were fix'd to a large round Lamp of most pure Christal, whose Diameter was a Cubit and a half, and o­pen'd about two hands breadth o' top; by which open place a Vessel of the same Christal shap'd somewhat like the lower part of a Gourd-like Lymbeck, or an Uri­nal, was put at the bottom of the great Lamp, with such a quantity of the afore­mention'd burning Water, that the flame of the Asbetine Wick reach'd the Centre of the great Lamp. This made all its sphe­rical body seem to burn and be in a Flame, because the Fire was just at the Centre and middle Point: so that it was not more easy to fix the Eye on it, than on the Disque of the Sun; the matter being wonderful­ly bright and shining, and the VVork most transparent and dazzling, by the Re­flection of the various Colours of the pre­cious Stones, whereof the four small Lamps above the main Lamp were made, and their Lustre was still variously glitter­ing [Page 194] all over the Temple. Then this wan­dring Light being darted on the polish'd Marble and Agath, with which all the in­side of the Temple was pargetted, our Eyes were entertain'd with a sight of all the admirable Colours which the Rain­bow can boast when the Sun darts his fiery Rays on some dropping Clouds.

The Design of the Lamp was admira­ble in it self; but, in my opinion, what added much to the Beauty of the whole, was that round the body of the Christal-Lamp; there was carv'd in Cataglyphick Work, a lively and pleasant Battel of na­ked Boys, mounted on little Hobby-horses, with little whirligig-Lances and Shields, that seem'd made of Vine-branches with Grapes on them; their Postures generally were very different, and their childish Strife and Motions were so ingeniously exprest, that Art equall'd Nature in eve­ry Proportion and Action. Neither did this seem engrav'd, but rather hew'd out and imboss'd; in Relief; or, at least like Grotesque, which by the Artist's Skill has the appearance of the roundness of the Object it represents; this was partly the effect of the various and most charming Light, which flowing out of the Lamp, fill'd the carv'd Places with its glorious Rays.

CHAP. XLII. How the Priestess Bacbuc show'd us a Fantastic Fountain in the Temple.

WHile we were admiring this incom­parable Lamp, and the stupend­ous Structure of the Temple, the Venera­ble Priestess Bacbuc, and her Attendants came to us with jolly, smiling Looks; and seeing us duly accoutred, without the least difficulty, took us into the middle of the Temple, where just under the aforesaid lamp, was the fine Fantastic Fountain.

CHAP. XLIII. How the Fountain-water had the Taste of Wine, according to the Imagina­tion of those who drank of it.

SHE then order'd some Cups, Goblets, and Talboys of Gold, Silver, and Cristal to be brought, and kindly invited us to drink of the Liquor that sprung there, which we readily did; for to say the truth, this Fantastick Fountain was very inviting, and its Materials and Work­manship more precious, rare, and admira­ble than any thing Pluto ever dreamt of in Limbo.

[Page 196]Its Basis or Ground-work was of most pure and limpid Aleblaster, and its height somewhat more than three Spans; being a regular Heptagone on the out-side, with its Stylobates or Footsteps, Arulets, Sima­sults or Blunt Tops, and Doric Ʋndulations about it. It was exactly round within. On the middle Point of each Angle and Brink stood a Pillar orbiculated, in form of Ivory or Alabaster Solid Rings.

Each Pillar's length from the Basis to the Architraves, was near seven Hands, taking an exact Demension of its Diame­ter through the Centre of its Circumfe­rence and inward Roundness; and it was so dispos'd, that casting our Eyes behind one of them, whatever its Cube might be, to view its Opposite, we found that the Pyramidal Cone of our Visual Line ended at the said Centre, and there, by the two Opposites, form'd an Equilaterial Triangle, whose two Lines divided the Pillar into two equal Parts.

That which we had a mind to measure going from one side to another, two Pil­lars over, at the first third part of the distance between them, was met by their lowermost and fundamental Line, which in a Consult Line drawn as far as the Uni­versal Centre, equally divided, gave in a just Partition the distance of the Seven op­posite Pillars in a right Line; beginning at [Page 197] the Obtuse Angle on the Brink; as you know that an Angle is always found plac'd between two others in all Angular Figures odd in number.

This tacitly gave us to understand that seven Semi-diamiaters are in Geometrical Proportion, Compass and Distance, some­what less than the Circumference of a Circle, from the Figure of which they are extracted, that is to say, three whole Parts with an eighth and a half, a little more; or a seventh and a half, a little less, according to the Instructions given us of old by Euclid, Aristotle, Archimedes, and others.

The first Pillar, I mean that which fac'd the Temple-gate, was of Azure, Sky-co­lour'd Saphir.

The second of Hiacinth, a precious Stone, exactly of the Colour of the Flower, into which Ajax's Cholerick Blood was trans­form'd; the Greek Letters, A I, being seen on it in many places.

The third an Anachite Diamond, as bright and glittering as Lightning.

The fourth a Masculin Ruby Ballais [Peach colour'd] amatistising, its Flame and Lu­stre ending in Violet or Purple, like an Amatist.

The fifth an Emerald, above five hun­dred and fifty times more precious than that of Serapis in the Labyrinth of the Egyp­tians, [Page 198] and more verdant and shining than those that were fix'd instead of Eyes in the Marble Lyon's Head, near King Hermias's Tomb.

The sixth of Agath, more admirable and various in the Distinctions of its Veins, Clouds, and Colours, than that which Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, so mightily e­steem'd.

The seventh of Sienites, transparent, of the Colour of a Beri [...], and the clear Hue of Hymetian Honey, and within it the Moon was seen, such as we see it in the Sky, Si­lent, Full, New, and in the Wain.

These Stones were assign'd to the Seven heavenly Planets by the Ancient Chaldeans; and that the meanest Capacities might be inform'd of this, just at the Central Per­pendicular Line, on the Chapter of the first Pillar, which was of Saphir, stood the Image of Saturn in Eliacim Lead, with his Scythe in his Hand, and at his Feet, a Crane of Gold, very artfully enemall'd accord­ing to the Native Hue of the Saturnine Bird.

On the second, which was of Hiacinth, towards the lest, Jupiter was seen in Jo­vetian Brass, and on his Breast an Eagle of Gold enemall'd to the Life.

On the third was Phoebus of the purest Gold, and a white Cock in his right hand.

[Page 199]On the fourth was Mars in Corinthian-Brass, and a Lyon at his Feet.

On the Fifth was Venus in Copper, the Metal of which Aristomides made Athamas's Statue that express'd in a blushing white­ness his Confusion at the sight of his Son Learchus, who died at his Feet of a Fall.

On the Sixth was Mercury in Hydrargyre, I would have said Quicksilver, had it not been fixed, malleable, and unmoveable: That nimble Deity had a Stork at his Feet.

On the Seventh was the Moon in Silver with a Grayhound at her Feet.

The size of these Statues was somewhat more than a third part of the Pillars on which they stood, and they were so admi­rably wrought according to Mathematical proportion, that Polycletus's Cannon could hardly have stood in competition with them.

The Bases of the Pillars, the Chapters, the Architraves, Zoophores and Cornishes, were Phrygian Work of Massive Gold, pu­rer and finer than any that is found in the Rivers Leéde near Montpellier, Ganges in In­dia, Pô in Italy, Hebrus in Thrace, Tagus in Spain, and Pactolus in Lydia.

The small Arches between the Pillars were of the same precious Stone of which the Pillars next to them were. Thus that Arch was of Saphir which ended at the [Page 200] Hiacynth Pillar; and that was of Hiacynth which went towards the Diamond, and so on.

Above the Arches and Chapters of the Pillars on the inward Front a Cúpola was raised to cover the Fountain; it was surrounded by the Planetary Statues, Heptagonal at the bottom, and Spherical o' top; and of Christal so pure, transpa­rent, well polished, whole, and uniform in all its parts, without Veins, Clouds, Flaws or Streaks, that Xenocrates never saw such a one in his life.

Within it were seen the Twelve Signs of the Zodiac, the Twelve Months of the Year, with their Proprieties, the Two Equinoxes, the Ecliptic Line, with some of the most Remarkable fixed Stars about the Antartic Pole and elsewhere, so curi­ously engraven, that I fancied them to be the Workmanship of King Necepsus or Peto­siris the Ancient Mathematician.

On the top of the Cúpola, just over the Centre of the Fountain, were three noble long Pearls all of one size, Pear-fashion, perfectly imitating a Tear, and so joined together as to represent a Flower-de-luce or Lilly, each of the Flowers seeming above a Hand's-breath. A Carbuncle jetted out of its Calix or Cup, as big as an Ostridge's Egg, cut seven square (that Number so belov'd of Nature) and so prodigiously [Page 201] glorious, that the sight of it had like to have made us blind; for the fiery Sun, or the pointed Lightning are not more dazling and unsufferably bright.

Now were some Judicious Appraisers to judge of the Value of this incomparable Fountain, and the Lamp of which we spoke, they would undoubtedly affirm, it exceeds that of all the Treasures and Cu­riosities in Europe, Asia and Africa put to­gether. For that Carbuncle alone would have darken'd the Pantharb of Joachas the Indian Magician, with as much ease as the Sun outshines and dims the Stars with his Meridian Rays.

Now let Cleopatra that Egyptian Quean boast of her Pair of Pendants, those two Pearls, one of which she caused to be dis­solv'd in Vinegar in the presence of An­thony the Triumvir, her Gallant.

Or let Pompeia Plautina be proud of her Dress cover'd all over with Emeralds and Pearls curiously intermix'd, that attracted the Eyes of all Rome, and was said to be the Pit and Magazine of the Conquering Robbers of the Universe.

The Fountain had three Tubes or Chan­nels of right Pearl, seated in three Equila­teral Angles already mention'd, extended on the Margent; and those Channels pro­ceeded in a Snail-like Line winding equally on both sides.

[Page 202]We look'd on them a while, and had cast our Eyes on another side, when Bacbuc di­rected us to watch the Water: We then heard a most harmonious sound, yet some­what stopp'd by starts, far distant, and Subterranean, by which means it was still more pleasing than if it had been free, un­interrupted, and near us; so that our Minds were as agreeably entertain'd through our Ears with that charming melody, as they were through the Win­dows of our Eyes, with those Delightful Objects.

Bacbuc then said, Your Philosophers will not allow, that Motion is begot by the power of Figures; Look here, and see the contrary. By that single Snail-like motion, equally divided as you see, and a five-fold insoliature, moveable at every inward meet­ing, such as is the Vena cava where it enters into the right Ventricle of the Heart; just so is the Flowing of this Fountain, and by it an harmony ascends as high as your World's Ocean.

She then order'd her Attendants to make us drink; And to tell you the truth of the matter as near as possible, we are not, Heav'n be prais'd! of the nature of a Drove of Calf-lollies, who (as your Spar­rows can't feed unless you bob them on the Tail) must be Ribroasted with tough Crabtree, and firk'd into a stomach, or at [Page 203] least into an humour to eat or drink; No, we know better things, and scorn to scorn any man's Civility who civilly in­vites us to a Drinking Bout. Bacbuc ask'd us then, how we liked our Tiff; We an­swer'd, that it seem'd to us good harmless sober Adam's Liquor, fit to keep a man in the right way, and in a word, meer Ele­ment; more cool and clear than Argyrontes in Aetolia, Peneus in Thessaly, Axius in Migdonia, or Cydnus in Cilicia, a tempting sight of whose cool silver Stream caus'd Alexander to prefer the short-liv'd Pleasure of bathing himself in it, to the Inconveni­ences which he could not but foresee would attend so ill-tim'd an Action.

This, said Bacbuc, comes of not consi­dering with our selves, or understanding the motions of the Musculous Tongue, when the Drink glides on it in its way to the Stomach! Tell me, Noble Strangers, Are your Throats lin'd, pav'd, or ena­mell'd, as formerly was that of Pythilus, nicknam'd Theuthes, that you can have miss'd the Taste, Relish and Flavour of this Divine Liquor? Here, said she, turning to­wards her Gentlewomen, Bring my scrub­bing Brushes, you know which, to scrape, rake, cleanse and clear their Palates.

They brought immediately some stately, swindging jolly Hams; fine, substantial Neat stongues, good Hung-beef, pure and [Page 204] delicate, Botargos, Venison, Sawcidges, and such other Gullet-sweepers. And to comply with her Invitation, we crammed and twisted till we owned our selves tho­roughly cured of Thirst, which before did damnably plague us.

We are told, continu'd she, that for­merly a Learned and Valiant Hebrew Chief leading his People through Deserts, where they were in hopes of being famish'd, ob­tain'd of God some Manna, whose taste was to them by imagination such as that of Meat was to them before in reality: Thus, drinking of this miraculous Li­quor you'll find it taste like any Wine that you shall fancy you drink. Come then, fancy, and drink. We did so, and Pa­nurge had no sooner whipp'd off his Brim­mer, but he cry'd, By Noah's Openshop, 'tis Vin de Beaulne, better then ever was yet tipp'd over Tongue, or may Ninety six Devils swallow me. Oh that to keep its taste the longer, we Gentlemen Topers had but Necks some three Cubits long, or so, as Philoxenus desir'd to have, or at least like a Crane's, as Melanthius wish'd his.

On the Faith of true Lanterners, quoth Friar Ihon, 'tis gallant sparkling Greek Wine; Now, for God's sake, Sweetheart, do but teach me how the devil you make it. It seems to me Mirevaux Wine, said Pantagruel, for before I drank, I suppos'd [Page 205] it to be such. Nothing can be mislik'd in it, but that 'tis cold, colder, I say, than the very Ice, colder than the Nonacrian and [...]eraean Water, or the Conthopian Spring at Corinth, that froze up the Stomach and Nutritive Parts of those that drank of it.

Drink once, twice or thrice more, said Bacbuc, still changing your Imagination, and you shall find its taste and flavor to be exactly that on which you shall have pitch­ed. Then never presume to say that any thing is impossible to God. We never of­fered to say such a thing, said I; far from it, we maintain he is Omnipotent.

CHAP. XLIV. How the Pristess Bacbuc equipt Pa­nurge in order to have the Word of the Bottle.

WHEN we had thus chatted and tippled, Bacbuc ask'd, Who of you [...]ere would have the Word of the Bottle? [...] your most humble little Funnel, an't [...]lease you, quoth Panurge. Friend, saith [...], I have but one thing to tell you, which [...], that when you come to the Oracle, [...] take care to hearken and hear the Word only with one Ear. This, cry'd [...]riar Ihon, is Wine of one Ear, as Frenchmen all it.

[Page 206]She then wrapt him up in a Gaberdine, bound his Noddle with a goodly clean Biggin, clapt over it a Felt, such as those through which Hypocras is distilled, at the bottom of which, instead of a Cowle, she put three Obelisks, made him draw on a pair of old fashion'd Cod pieces instead of Mittins, girded him about with three Bagpipes bound together, bath'd his Jobbernol thrice in the Fountain; then threw a handful of Meal on his Phyz, fixt three Cock's Feathers on the right side of the Hypocratical Felt, made him take a jant nine times round the Fountain, caused him to take three little leaps, and to bump his A— seven times against the ground, repeating I don't know what kind of Con­jurations all the while in the Toscan Tongue, and ever and anon reading in a Ritual, or Book of Ceremonies, carried after her by one of her Mystagogues.

For my part, may I never stir, if I don't really believe, that neither Numa Pompilius the Second King of the Romans, nor the Cerites of Tuscia, and the Old Hebrew Cap­tain, ever instituted so many Ceremonies as I then saw performed; nor were ever half so many Religious Forms used by the Southsayers of Memphis in Egypt to Apis, or by the Embrians, or at Rhamnus to Rhamnusia, or to Jupiter Ammon, or to Feronia.

[Page 207]When she had thus accoutred my Gen­tleman, she took him out of our Company and led him out of the Temple through a golden Gate on the Right, into a round Chappel made of transparent speculary Stones, by whose solid Clearness the Sun's Light shined there through the precipice of the Rock without any Windows or other Entrance, and so easily and fully dispersed it self through the greater Temple, that the Light seemed rather to spring out of it, than to flow into it.

The Workmanship was not less rare than that of the Sacred Temple at Ravenna, or that in the Island of Chemnis in Egypt. Nor must I forget to tell you, that the Work of that round Chappel was contriv'd with such a Symmetry, that its Diameter was just the heighth of the Vault.

In the middle of it was an Heptagonal Fountain of fine Alablaster most artfully wrought, full of Water, which was so clear, that it might have pass'd for Ele­ment in its purity and singleness. The Sa­cred Bottle was in it to the middle, clad in pure fine Christal, of an oval shape, except its Muzzle, which was somewhat wider than is consistent with that Figure.

CHAP. XLV. How Bacbuc, the High-Priestess brought Panurge before the Holy Bottle.

THERE the Noble Priestess Bacbuc made Panurge stoop and kiss the brink of the Fountain; then bad him rise and dance three ^* Ithymbi. Which done, she ordered him to set down, between two Stools placed there for that purpose, his Arse upon the ground. Then she opened her Ceremonial Book, and whispering in his left Ear made him sing an Epileny, in­serted here in the Figure of the Bottle.

[Page 209]

Bottle, whose Mysterious Deep

Do's ten thousand Secrets keep,

With attentive Ear I wait;

Ease my Mind, and speak my Fate.

Soul of Joy! Like Bacchus, we

More than India ▪ gain by thee.

Truths unborn thy Juice reveals,

Which Futu [...]ity conceals.

Antidote to Frauds and Lies,

Wine, that mounts us to the Skies,

May thy Father Noah's Brood

Like him drown, but in thy Flood.

Speak, so may the Liquid Mine

Of Rubies, or of Diamonds shine.

Bottle, whose Mysterious Deep

Do's ten thousand Secrets keep,

With attentive Ear I wait;

Ease my Mind, and speak my Fate.

[Page 210]When Panurge had sung, Bacbuc throw'd I dont know what into the Fountain, and strait its Water began to boil in good earnest, just for the world as doth the great Monastical Pot at Bourgueil when 'tis high Holiday there. Friend Panurge was list'ning with one Ear, and Bacbuc kneeled by him, when such a kind of a hum­ming was heard out of the Bottle as is made by a Swarm of Bees bred in the Flesh of a young Bull kill'd and drest according to Aristaeus's Art, or such as is made when a Bolt flies out of a Cross-bow, or when a shower falls on a sudden in Summer. Im­mediately after this was heard the Word TRINC. By Cob's Body, cri'd Panurge, 'tis broken, or crack'd at least, not to tell a Lie for the matter; for, even so do Chri­stal Bottles speak in our Countrey when they burst near the Fire.

Bacbuc arose, and gently taking Panurge under the Arms, said, Friend, offer your Thanks to Indulgent Heaven, as Reason requires, you have soon had the Word of the Goddess Bottle; and the kindest, most favourable and certain Word of an Answer that I ever yet heard her give since I offi­ciate here at her most Sacred Oracle: Rise, Let us go to the Chapter, in whose gloss that fine Word is explain'd. With all my heart, quoth Panurge; by Jingo, I am just as wise as I was last year: Light, [Page 211] where's the Book. Turn it over, where's that Chapter? Let's see this merry Gloss.

CHAP. XLVI. How Bacbuc explain'd the Word of the Goddess Bottle.

BAcbuc having thrown I don't know what into the Fountain, strait the Water ceas'd to boil, and then she took Panurge into the greater Temple, where was the enlivening Fountain.

There she took out a hugeous Silver Book in the shape of a Hast-tierce, or Hog's-head of Sentences; and having fill'd it at the Fountain, said to him; The Philoso­phers, Preachers and Doctors of your World feed you up with fine Words and Cant at the Ears; now, here we really incorporate our Precepts at the Mouth. Therefore I'll not say to you, read this Chapter, see this Gloss; No, I say to you, Taste me this fine Chapter, swallow me this rare Gloss. Formerly an Ancient Pro­phet of the Jewish Nation eat a Book, and became a Clerk even to the very Teeth; now will I have you to drink one, that you may be a Clerk to your very Liver. Here open your Mandibules.

[Page 212] Panurge gaping as wide as his Jaws would stretch, Bacbuc took the Silver Book, at least we took it for a real Book, for it look'd just for the world like a Breviary; but, in truth, it was a Breviary or Flask of Right Phalernian Wine as it came from the Grape, which she made him swallow every drop.

By Bacchus, quoth Panurge, this was a Notable Chapter, a most Authentic Gloss o' my word! Is this all that the Trismegi­stian Bottle's Word means? i' troth I like it extreamly, it went down like Mother's Milk. Nothing more, return'd Bacbuc, for Trinc is a Panomphean Word, that is, a Word understood, us'd and celebrated by all Nations, and signifies Drink.

Some say in your World that Sack is a Word us'd in all Tongues, and justly ad­mitted in the same sense among all Na­tions; for, as Esop's Fable hath it, all men are born with a Sack at the Neck, natu­rally needy, and begging of each other; neither can the most powerful King be without the help of other men, or can any one that's poor subsist without the rich, though he be never so proud and insolent; as for example, Hippias the Philosopher, who boasted he could do every thing. Much less can any one make shift without Drink than without a Sack. Therefore here we hold not that Laughing, but that [Page 213] Drinking is the distinguishing Character of man. I don't say Drinking, taking that word singly and absolutely in the strictest sense; No, Beasts then might put in for a share; I mean drinking cool delicious Wine. For you must know, my Beloved, that by Wine we become Divine; neither can there be a surer Argument, or a less deceitful Divination. Your ^* Academics assert the same when they make the Eti­mology of Wine, which the Greeks call OINOΣ, to be from Vis, Strength, Ver­tue and Power; for 'tis in its power to fill the Soul with all Truth, Learning and Phi­losophy.

If you observe what is written in Ionian Letters on the Temple-gate, you may have understood that Truth is in Wine. The Goddess Bottle therefore directs you to that divine Liquor, be your self the Expounder of your Undertaking.

'Tis impossible, said Pantagruel to Pa­nurge, to speak more to the purpose than does this true Priest; you may remember I told you as much when you first spoke▪ to me about it.

Trinc then: What says your heart ele­vated by Bacchic Enthusiasm?

With this, quoth Panurge,

CHAP. XLVII. How Panurge and the rest rim'd with Poetick Fury.

WHat a Pox ails the Fellow, quoth Friar Ihon? stark staring mad, or be witch'd, o' my word! Do but hear the chiming Dotterel gabble in Rhime. [Page 215] What o' Devil has he swallow'd? His Eyes rowl in his Logger-head, just for the world like a dying Goat's. Will the addle-pated Wight have the grace to sheer off? Will he rid us of his damn'd Com­pany, to go shite out his nasty riming Bal­derdash in some Bog-house? will no bo­dy be so kind as to cram some Dog's-bur down the poor Cur's Gullet, or will he Monk-like run his Fist up to the Elbow in­to his Throat to his very Maw to scour and clear his Flanks? Will he take a hair of the same Dog?

Pantagruel chid Friar Ihon, and said,

How! quoth the Friar, the fit Rhiming is upon you too! Is't come to that? Then we are all pepper'd, or the Devil pepper me. What would not I give to have Gar­gantua see us while we are in this Maggot­ty Crambo-vein! Now, may I be curst with living on that damn'd empty Food, if I can tell, whether I shall scape the catching Distemper. The Devil a bit do I understand which way to go about it; however, the Spirit of Fustian possesses us all, I find. Well, by St. John, I'll Poetise since every Body does; I find it coming. Stay, and pray pardon me, if I don't Rhime in Crimsin; 'tis my first Essay.

Panurge then proceeds in his Rapture, and says,

Friar Ihon answers him in a Rage, and says,

Panurge pulling off his Gaberdine and My­stical Acoutrements, reply'd,

Go to, quoth Friar Ihon, thou old Nod­dy, thou doddipold Ninny, go to the De­vil thou'rt prating of; I've done with Rhiming, the Rhume gripes me at the Gullet. Let's talk of paying and going; come.

CHAP. XLVIII. How we took our leave of Bacbuc, and left the Oracle of the Holy Bottle.

DO not trouble your self about any thing here, said the Priestess to the Friar; if you be but satisfied, we are. Here below in these Circumcentral Regi­ons, we place the Sovereign Good not in taking and receiving, but in bestowing and giving; so that we esteem our selves hap­py, not if we take and receive much of others, as perhaps the Sects of Teachers do in your World, but rather if we impart and give much. All I have to beg of you, is that you leave us here your Names in Writing in this Ritual. She then open'd a fine large Book, and as we gave our Names, one of her Mystagogues, with a Gold Pin, drew some Lines on it, as if she had been Writing; but we could not see any Chara­cters.

This done, she fill'd three Glasses with fantastick Water, and giving them into our Hands, said, Now, my Friends, you may depart, and may that Intellectual Sphere, whose Centre is every where, and Circumference no where, whom we call GOD, keep you in his Almighty Prote­ction. When you come into your World, [Page 220] do not fail to affirm and witness, that the greatest Treasures, and most admirable Things are hidden under Ground, and not without reason.

Ceres was worshipp'd, because she taught Mankind the Art of Husbandry, and by the use of Corn, which she invented, a­bolish'd that beastly way of feeding on Acorns, and she grievously lamented her Daughter's Banishment into our Subterra­nean Regions, certainly foreseeing that Proserpine would meet with more excellent Things, more desireable Enjoyments be­low, than she her Mother could be blest with above.

What do you think is become of the Art of forcing the Thunder, and Coelestial Fire down, which the wise Prometheus had formerly invented? 'Tis most certain you have lost it; 'tis no more on your Hemi­sphere; but here below we have it. And, without a Cause, you sometimes wonder to see whole Towns burn'd and destroy'd by Lightning, and Ethereal Fire, and are at a loss about knowing from whom, by whom, and to what end those dreadful Mischiefs were sent. Now, they are familiar and useful to us; and your Philosophers who complain that the Ancients have left them nothing to write of, or to invent, are ve­ry much mistaken. Those Phaenomena which you see in the Sky, whatever the surface [Page 221] of the Earth affords you, and the Sea, and every River contain, is not to be compar'd with what is hid within the Bowels of the Earth.

For this reason, the Subterranean Ruler has justly gain'd, in almost every Language, the Epithete of Rich. Now, when your Sages shall wholly apply their Minds to a diligent and studious Search after Truth, humbly begging the Assistance of the So­vereign God, whom formerly the Egyp­tians in their Language, call'd, The Hidden and the Conceal'd, and invoking him by that Name, beseech him to reveal, and make himself known to them, that Almighty Being will out of his infinite Goodness, not only make his Creatures, but even himself known to them.

Thus will they be guided by good Lan­terns. For all the Ancient Philosophers and Sages have held two things necessary, safely and pleasantly to arrive at the Knowledg of God and true Wisdom; first, God's gracious Guidance, then Man's Assi­stance.

So among the Philosophers, Zoroaster took Ariamspes for the Companion of his Travels; Esculapius, Mercury; Orpheus, Musaeus; Pythagoras, Aclophemus; and a­mong Princes and Warriors, Hercules in his most difficult Atchievements, had his singular Friend Theseus; Ʋlysses, Diomedes; [Page 222] Aeneas, Achates; you follow'd their Ex­amples, and came under the Conduct of an Illustrious Lantern: Now, in God's Name depart, and may he go along with you.