[Page] A new PLAY Called CANTERBURIE His Change of Diot. Which sheweth variety of wit and mirth: privately acted neare the Palace-yard at Westminster.
[...]uth
- 1 Act, the Bishop of Canterbury having variety of dainties, is not satisfied till he be fed with tippets of mens eares.
- 2 Act, he hath his nose held to the Grinde-stone.
- 3 Act, he is put into a bird Cage with the Confessor.
- 4 Act, The Jester tells the King the Story.
Printed Anno Domini, 1641.
THE FIRST ACT.
Enter the Bishop of Canterbury, and with him a Doctor of Physicke, a Lawyer, and a Divine; who being set downe, they bring him variety of Dishes to his Table,
CAnterbury,
is here all the dishes, that are provided?
Doct.
My Lord, there is all: and tis enough, wert for a Princes table,
Ther's 24. severall dainty dishes, and all rare.
B, Cant.
Are these rare: no, no, they please me not,
Give me a Carbinadoed cheek or a tippet of a Cocks combe:
None of all this, here is meate for my Pallet.
Lawyer.
My Lord, here is both Cocke and Phesant,
Quaile and Partridge, and the best varieties the shambles yeeld.
B. Cant.
Shambles, I am not tyed to such a straite,
Give not me common things, that are in the shambles;
Let me have of the rarest dainties, drest after the Italian fashion.
Divine.
My Lord, here are nothing but rarities; please you to give me leave to crave a blessing,
That your Lordship may fall too and eate.
My Lord, is it your pleasure I shall.
B. Cant.
you vexe me,
He knocking there enter divers Bishops with muskets on their neeks, bandeleeres, and swords by their sides.
Ho, ho, come away,
These Rascals torment me.
Bishop.
What is the matter my Lord: wherefore doe you call us.
Cant.
call you quoth I:
It is time to call I thinke, when I am faine to waite:
Nay call and aske, yet cannot have what I desire.
Bishop.
What would you have my Lord?
Cant.
Them fellowes, bring them to me.
Doct.
What will your Lordship doe with me.
The Doctor is brought to bim.
Cant.
Onely cut off your eares.
Doct.
That would be an unchristian action, a practice without a precede
[...]t.
O cruelty, tyranny! Hold me, hold me, or else J dye:
He cuts of his eares.
Heavens support me under this tyrant.
Cant.
Come Lawyer, your two eares will make me.
He cuts of the Lawyers eares.
That is almost a little dish for rarity.
Divine.
Will your Lordship be so cruell.
Then he cuts of the Divines eares.
Our bloud will be requir'd at your hands.
Cant.
This J doe, to make you examples,
That others may be more carefull to please my palate.
Henceforth, let my servants know: that what
I will,
I will have done,
What ere is under heavens Sunne.
He sends them all away, and commands the eares to be drest for his supper, and after a low courtsie, followes himselfe. Exeunt.
The second Act.
Enter the Bishop of
Canterbury into a
Carpenters yard by the water side, where he is going to take water, and seeing a Grindle-stone, draweth his knife, and goeth thither to whet it, and the
Carpenter followes him.
Carpinter.
What mkes your Grace here, my Lord.
Cant.
My knife is something dull friend:
Therefore
I make bold to sharpen it here,
Because an opportunity is here so ready.
Carp.
Excuse me, Sir, you shall not doe it:
What reason have you to sharpen your knife on my stone: youl serve me, as you did the other three? No, stay!
Ile make you free of the Grinde-stone, before you goe away.
He tyes his nose to th
[...] Grindle-stone
Cant.
Oh man what doe you meane.
Carpen.
Hold downe your head, it will blood you bravely;
By the brushing of your nostrils, you shall know what the paring of an eare is, Turne Boy.
The
Carpenters boy turnes the stone, and grinds his nose.
Cant.
O hold, hold, hold.
Turne, qd.
I, here is turning indeed, such turning will soon deform my face:
O
I bleed,
I bleed, and am extreamly sore..
Carp.
But who regarded hold before, remember the cruelty you have used to others, whose bloud cryes out for vengeance.
Were not their eares to them, as pretious as your nostrils can be to you
[...]
If such dishes must be your fare, let me be your Cooke,
Ile invent you rare sippets.
Iesuit.
[Page]
Right Reverend Sir,
What makes your Grace
In such a sad condition?
Enter a Iesuit, a Confessor, and washeth his face with Holy water, and binde up his sore in a cloth.
B. Cant.
Tis sad indeed, time was, when all the land was swayed by me:
But I am now despised, bound fast, and scorned you see?
What shall
I doe for ease.
Iesuit.
I'le try conclusions for you;
I'le goe in to him, & to his wife; i'le wooe them both, i'le speak them faire,
I'le tell them things they never knew, & if
I can,
I will procure your liberty:
That so your Grace, may escape this danger.
B. Cant,
There will be great difficulty in it?
What shall
I do, my joyes are gone;
My face defaced, and all my comforts left.
Iesuit.
Feare not, there is yet hope: comfort your selfe.
I have a force, may chance, make
Rome to flourish:
That your gray haires, may once more sit in Glory,
Which
England little dreames of.
The Carpenter tyes the Bishop, and leades him away.
The third Act.
Enter the Bishop of Canterbury, and the Iesuit in a great Bird Cage together, and a foole standing by, and laughing at them, Ha, ha, ha, ha, who is the foole now.
Carpenters wife.
[Page]
O good husband, put in these
Cormorants into this Cage;
They that have cut of eares at the first bout,
God knowes what they may cut off next: put them in, put them in.
Cant.
What meane you by this,
He takes the Cage, and puts them into it.
Carpenter.
Onely to teach you to sing.
Iesuite.
Alas. we cannot sing, we are not Nightingales.
Carpen. wife.
Come, come, husband;
Wee'll make them sing, before they come out againe:
A Black-bird, and a Canary-bird, will sing best together.
Cant.
Why should they be so strict to us.
Iesuite.
Yet if we still abide it: though we dye, we dye in honour,
Our merits we shall leave for others wants,
when we are gone.
Carpen.
Mirth quoth I:
If Tower-hill and
Tyburne had their due,
We should have lesse Jesuites, and fewer Masse-priests?
There is many a man, that have merited a rope,
That have not yet met with an halter.
Exeunt,
The fourth Act.
Enter the King and his Jester.
Iester.
O my King ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, I cannot forbeare laughing.
King.
Why what is the matter Sirrah;
Iester.
O the strangest sight, that ever I saw,
They have put the B. of Canterbury, & the Confessor into a Cage together.
Did you ever see the like,
The one lookes like a Crow, and the other like a Mag-pye:
I wayted long to heare them sing, and at last
[...] did,
King.
What note did they sing,
Iester.
What note, I am sure it was 9 Notes and an halfe lower then they use to sing at Court.
King.
What was the Song,
Iest.
One sung thus:
‘I would I was at Court againe for mee,’
Then the other answered,
‘I would I was at Rome againe with thee’
King.
Well sirrah, you will never leave your flouts.
Jest.
If
I should, my Liege,
I were not fit to be a Jester.
Exeunt.
The Gig betweene a Paritor and the Foole.
PAritor,
What newes sir, what newes, I pray you know you,
Foole,
Correction doth waite sir, to catch up his due.
Par.
His due sir, whats that, I pray you tell me,
Foole'
not blew cap, nor red cap, but cap of the See,
Par.
What caps are these pray you, shall I never know,
Foole'
The caps that would us, and our Church overthrow,
They both sing,
O wellady, wellady, what shall wee doe then.
Weel weare tippet foole caps, and never undoe men.
Paritor,
Did you never heare pray, of Lambeth great Paire.
Where white puddings were sold for two shillings a paire.
Foole,
Yes Sir I tell you I heard it and wept,
I thinke you are broke e're since it was kept,
Par.
Broke I am not, you foole I am poore.
Foole,
your master is sicke you are turnd out of doore,
They both sing,
O wellady, wellady, &c.
Paritor,
I might have beene Iester once as well as you,
Foole)
you Iested too much, which now you doe rue,
Par.
wherein have I jested, like a foole in place,
Foole,
to worke projects for such, who practise disgrace,
Par.
you foole will not profit make any thing done,
Foole,
such profit make fooles, sonne after to runne,
Both together,
O wellady, wellady, &c.
FINIS.