WHo's at dore?

Is my Husband here?

He is just come in. Pray Mris Trouble­some go into the Coffee-room, there's none but a Broker with him.

Truly Mr. Suck-soul you drive a fine Trade here, you'l ene make your body as black with this cursed liquor, as your Soul is with extortion; but efaith I'le beat up your quarters a little oftner then I have done; for if your haunt be here Black burnt will Soul-suck you with his Coffee more than you do the poor with extortion.

Indeed Mris Troublesome you judge very uncharitably, for my gain is but ten pence in the shilling, and I am as well contented with that as he that gets pounds.

I marry, that you may well be, for ten pence in the shilling is just. 83 pound, 6 shillings and 8 pence per cent. and if my husband get but 30, or 40 pound in the hundred hee's as safe as a thief in a mill. Come Suck-soul, let's be gone.

Prethee love be patient, I'le follow the presently.

You shall go with me, or the house shall be to hot to hold you or any of your Companions, before Black-burnt shall keep you [Page 2] up in his Hell-black Ordinary, I'le make h [...]m fly his house, I and his Country too.

Pray Mris. Troublesome don't make such a ratling noise here to d [...]sturb my house, and fright away my customers, if you do, I shall be forcd to turn you out a dores.

Mr. Black-burt I must needs go, or there will be such a peal of thunder by and by, as will far exceed the heat of your Coffee; for this is but one of my Wives preambles she will enlarge presently, to prevent that danger farewel.

Well overtaken Mr. Purge, Whether away so fast?

In sooth I'me going to the Devils Ordinary call'd the Coffee House.

Efaith Change time is almost past. Let's away with all dexte­rity, agility and celerity, least we lose our oportunity; for I intend to perswade as many as I can to drink that Indian liquor, 'twill make work enough for me.

I and for me too I hope, if your trade go forward.

And that it shall do, for what Ingredients I want, I'le have of none but your self.

Come then, let's enter this Coffee-house.

Mr. Black-burnt, Have you any Coffee ready?

Yes Sir; the best in London.

Give me a dish. Oh it's rare liquor, good for several disea­ses, an infallible Medicine I'le promise you for the Gout, Consumpti­on, Dropsie, Ptisick and all other Maladies.

Truly Sir we have found some good in it, but if it be infallible, and so rare for all diseases, wee'l make this our head­quarters.

Do you see Mr. Purge how it takes with them, I shall have imployment enough; for I know it is the only liquor in the universe, to fill the body with diseases, it drys up the brains, putrifies the blood, shrinks up the Sinews, Nerves, Arteries and corodes upon every part of the body, that I am sure to have patients enow infected to fill my Coffers.

Sil, I hope as fortune favours you with store of patients, [Page 3] you will be pleased to favour me with your Custome, for I can fit you with Unguents, Syrups, O [...]ls, Pills, Plaisters, Powders, and other In­gredients of all sorts.

I know thou'rt an able fellow, be confident of my custome, till when farewell.

Honest Ione, how fares it with you these hard times?

Worse then ever I expected; for I believe I shall never en­joy any comfort from our man Snapshort since he went, with my Ma­ster to the Coffee-house, he is so dry as a kix, that damn'd liquor will shorten his life and ability at least five in the fifteen.

And truly our Toby is come to the same passe; for since he drank Coffee, he is no more like the man he was then an apple's like an Oyster.

In truth Dorothr my Mistris complains as much of my Master; for now, if she look him, she finds him no where but at a Coffee-house forsooth, with a dish in his hand and a pipe at his nose, where there's a fmoak like a Brewers Stoak-hole.

Verily Ioane my M [...]is. dos cry out as much against my Master, for formerly she was wont to find him at a Taverne, where she could have a glasse of Canary to refresh her languishing spirits, but now (since this black-broth came up) if she look him, hee's at a Coffee house, making a chimney of his noddle, where there is such an odious scent; fogh, fogh, fogh it makes my heart ake to think what a Jaques he makes of his brains.

I believe the Devil first invented this liquor, on purpose to plague our Sex.

I imagine so too, but rather then I'le dote upon a man that drinks Coffee, I am resolv'd to leod Apes in Hell.

I protest Ione there's a little comfort in Chocolate, but before I'le flng my self away upon any such dry horson as drinks Coffee, I'le wrap my Maiden-head in my smock, and fling it into the Ocean to be bugger'd to death by young Lobsters.

And for my part, I'le hang my Maiden-head on a Wind-mill to be bated to death by the four Winds, rather then be poyson'd with the scent of old crusts, and shreads of Leather burn'd and beaten to [Page 4] powder, of which I believe this cursed Coffee is made; some decayed Marchant has doubtless brought this in fashion to replenish his crack'd estate; and without question blind Hewson was the first inventer of this liquor, who converted his old shoes to powder, and sent them over on purpose to poyson the English; but I'le do the best I can to pre­serve my self from being infected with the scent of the Devils ordina­ry, and so farewel sister Dorothy.

Adieu till to morrow, and then, if we meet, instead of Coffee, wee'l have a cup of wholsom Ale and a tost, till when let us he gone for yonder comes Snapshort and Toby.

Heav'ns assist me! What's this? a vision! Sure 'tis honest Snapshort the Userers man! Efaith 'tis he in his own likeness, How fairs it with you?

So strangely that I am ready to stagger with thinking, as much as the most distemper'd sot in the world can be with swallowing a whole brewing of English Ale.

Prethee Snapshort what's the cause of thy suddain distemper?

Cause enough to make thee mad if there were no more men in the world but thy self; for upon Thursday last, I travel'd to the Royal Exchange, to collect certain sums of mony due to my Master from some decayed Marchants; and by the confused noise of several Languages, I was so confounded in my noddle that my brains ran to and fro like a foot-boy; and passing from thence into Lothbury, I went into a Coffee-house, took a dish of that Hell-burn'd liquor, think­ing to settle them in their right Center, with the ratling noise of Ket­tles, Skimers and Ladles amongst the Brasiers, my brains run round so swift as a Wind-mill, and all my joynts were as num as a [...] old Wo­mans troubled with the dead Palsy 30 years togather, till I went into Moor-fields, took a turn or two in the Userers walk, and drank a cup of good wholsome Ale, with which I was revived, enlivened and restored to my memory, so perfectly, that I had an account in my pate of every penny due to my Master since the Creation.

Sfoot Snapshort, I'me not a little joyful of thy recovery to thy sences, but for that cursed Indian liquor, 'twill poyson a horse, it is a drench for the Devil; for since I drank Coffee, twice I adventer'd to storm the Fortresse of our maid Joane, with as much eagerness as ever the Great Turk did attempt to gain Constantinople; yet all my hopes were frustrated, and I did but just fling away a nights lodging or [Page 5] two, to as little purpose as if I had run my Head into a Kitching-stuff Tub;

I that, that, thas's the liquor I fancy; for I've as great an ambition to try our maid Dorothy as ever I had to satisfy my hungry maw with a breakfast of poach'd Eggs.

Honest Snapshort, I'le help the to a cup of the best about London, for a cunning Landabe [...]is of mine invited me (not long ago) to a house in Petty-France, where after a bottle or two, I grew so strong, that I call'd for a more convenient room, went up staires, had a fresh bottle, flung her on the bed, and gave her as good a meales meat as ever she eat since the prime of her understanding; these are the effects of Bracket, but for Coffee, that curs'd liquor disables the most valiant Hectors in the universe. Nay, I dare pawn my honesty, had Coffee been made in the days of fair Hellen of Greece, so many he­roick Champions would not have been so Ivsty, to adventur their lives and fortunes for a Nunquam satis.

But to leave off this dispute, where shall we pacifie the fury of our angry Stomacks with a good dinner?

If you'l accept of such faire as I have provided for a friend or two of mine, you shall be as welcome as Maycrel in May; Go with me to the Labour in Vain, I have bespoke a Shoulder of Veal stufft with Cockles, a Lobster-tart, a Goose-giblet Custard, ner'e a bone of Bief, a Lack of Mutton and two Wood-cocks, if you'l make a third you'l find as good company as your self; for there's Donpancratone the Spanish Postelion, and Mounsieut La Flamsted the Plank-weaver of Tenebrosa, as good company as ever mortal mouth'd meat withal, besides a rare eccho of invissible musick.

Never was gentleman of quality better pleas'd with a din­ner than I am in election to be. Divine chear! Oh how pomper'd my poor panch is like to be by honest Toby! Veal, Cockles, Lobsters, Mutton, Bief, Wood-cocks, Goose-giblets, Musick and pure company; the gods themselves could not have more variety of dainties for fish and flesh; But among all this chear is there no Coffee?

Not a drop comes in my mouth or any mans there. What, poyso [...] my guesse, no honest Snapshort, there's a cup of good whole­some English Ale,