Nevvs from Hell, Rome, and the Innes of Court.
Wherein is set forth the coppy of a Letter written from the Devill to the Pope.
The true coppy of the Petition delivered to the King at Yorke.
The coppy of certaine Articles of agreement betweene the Devill, the Pope, and divers others.
The description of a Feast, sent from the Devill to the Pope; together with a short advertisement to the High Court of PARLIAMENT, with sundry other particulars.
Published for the future peace and tranquillity of the Inhabitants of Great BRITANY. By J. M.
Printed in the yeare of Grace and Reformation. 1642.
TO OVR DEARELY BELOVED SONNE THE most Pious and most Religious Primate of the Romane Church, and to all our dearely beloved Children the Cardinals, and Lordly Bishops in Europe.
Nor can wee in the first place, but extoll, applaud, and most highly commend thee our deare Sonne for [Page 2] the extraordinary care in the advancement of our Kingdome.
And as next in place the extraordinary diligent and vigilant care of all our beloved children the Lordly Bishops in the advancement of our Regall power to the great enlargement of our infernall dominions, by their rare and subtill plots, and stratagems.
And in a more speciall manner wee are pleased through our infernall grace and favour to extoll them for this their present and excellent invention, in sowing discord amongst the English hereticks, as also in provoking the Scots hereticks to an apparant opposition against their King, yea so farre as to an invasion of the Territories of England; all which services are most deare and acceptable unto us.
In respect of which services, as also for their fidelity to us and our Kingdome, we have caused our principall Secretary of estate, Don Antonio Furioso Diabolo, to make an especiall Inroulement of their names in our Calend, amongst those our deare servants the plotters of the Gun-powder-treason; and the most renowned the complotters of the former Invasion of England, in the year of grace 1588. and since the creation of the world 5609. both which services although their events were no wayes answerable according to our Royall expectation; yet those instruments that so freely adventured themselves in them, shall be ever renowned in our court infernall, and most acceptable to our person.
And for the better incouragement of these our trusty and wel-beloved servants, in the speedier advancement of this worke, now intended for the utter extirpation of [Page 3] all hereticks, and increase of our regall power, we are pleased by this our Royall manuell to give unto them assurance of our aide and best assistance in the most efficacious manner that our Princely power can extend unto. And because our former stratagems put in execution by our beloved Cozen and Counsellor the King of Spaine, were by him no wayes effected according to our Princely expectation: Wee have now therefore imposed our Princely command upon our beloved servant the King of France, at the humble sute made unto us, by our children the Lordly Bishops, and by some of our servants of greatest quality in the Realme of England, as also by our servants the Jesuites and Romane Catholicks of England, to have a puissant armie in readinesse for the Invasion of England at such a time, as those our children and servants shall conceive it most convenient and efficacious.
And further our will and pleasure is, that you our deare Son, shall still persist to stir up and incourage our children the Arch-bishops, as also the disciples and our loyall subjects and servants the Jesuites, Priests, and Seminaries, to this worke, that they with all their might, together with our powerfull policies granted unto them, may strive to effect this worke with all celerity; that we may once more see our Kingdome of Superstition re-established in the Monarchie of Great Brittain and Ireland.
The motives to be pressed, inducing them to the expeditious effecting of the same is principally, their respect to our Kingly honour, next their own increase of greatnes, for we promise & assure them by the word of [Page 4] a King infernall, That every of them shall raigne as Princes under us, not onely over the bodies and estates of men, but also over their soules, by and through the many infernall graces by us most freely and benignely conferred on them: and hereby, to make them the more sensible of these our severall graces conferred on them, we are pleased therefore here at present to expresse but some few of them in particular, (as namely) pride, vainglory, hypocrisie, selfe-love of themselves; and of this present world, love of will worship, and advancement of Idolatry; Together with that speciall gift of covetousnesse, the onely pillar to all the rest of our infernall graces conferred on them.
Thirdly, in respect of the cleare passage by us made for them, by setting the hereticks for this long time at variance amongst themselves, by our trusty servants the Lawyers, and advancement of Idolatry amongst them: The onely meanes in our Princely wisdome conceived to be to the breaking of the bond of unity and peace, thereby to provoke the great God of heaven to leave them to themselves, and to our powerfull stratagems. We are likewise pleased to take speciall notice of that service done by our children the Lordly Bishops, in working the dissolution of the assembly of Parliament in May last past, 1640. by which meanes nothing was effected for the good of hereticks, either concerning their Church or Common-wealth, so as the successe of this designe of ours was thereby no wayes hindered: you are likewise to let them know from us, that the Noblemen of England be disheartered, the Gentry daunted, [...] divided, the number of our servants, the [Page 5] Roman Catholicks infinitely increased, and the Realme in generall greatly oppressed, not onely by the sundry Monopolies, but also by the invincible oppressing power of our children the Lordly Bishops, the multitude of our servants the corrupt Judges, base minded Lawyers, seditious Atturnies, and woodden-headed Doctors of our civill lawes, Proctors, Prothonotaries, Registers, Advocates, Solicitors, and Apparators, whom wee have caused to swarme, like to the Egyptian Locusts, over all the land, for the sowing of discord, and blowing the coales of contention amongst all the Inhabitants of the same, they having all of them long since received instructions by some of our infernall spirits, sent forth from us to that effect.
You are likewise to let them know, that out of our Princely respect to them, & their damnable actions for our honour: We are pleased to take speciall notice of that service, which they most willingly endeavoured to effect for the confusion of all the hereticks, inhabiting England, Scotland, Ireland, and the Netherlands, by the late (conceived) Invincible Armado, procured from Spain in the yeare of our raigne 5660. Which through the providence of the celestiall powers then over them, and the disturbance of Martin Harper Trump, here below, failed of that successe, which wee together with them expected and hoped for, to our no lesse sorrow then theirs.
Nor can we but applaud the diligent care taken by our children and servants of greatest quality in that Kingdome, in preventing the discovery of that Invasive plott by the hereticks, and their small well-meaning [Page 6] State, through their speedy flight to Dover Rode, and private conference there with Don Oquindo, the Generalissimo of Spaine to that effect; All which was most exquisitely performed, especially by our hispaniolized lack-latine Lord, our dearely beloved servant.
And lastly our hope is, that this present plot set on foot by these our trusty and well-beloved children, and servants afore-named, and by their earnest endeavours and our assistance once effected, will crowne all our labours to our unspeakable terrestriall glory, and their eternall favours by us to bee conferred on them in our Royall Pallace of perdition, where we have already imposed our Royal command upon our trusty and wel-beloved cozen and counsellour, Peter Tretyacove Chancellour, Evane Becklemeesheve our Knight Marshall, Richardo Slowe Treasurer, and Don Serborus grand Porter of our said Pallace, to give them free admittance into our Royall Presence.
Thus no wayes doubting of your singular care and diligence in fulfilling this our Royall will and pleasure hereby expressed; we doe further impose our Royall favour and Princely respect to be by you presented unto our trusty and wel-beloved cozen and counsellour your present Nuntio in the Court of England, as also unto our beloved children and servants, the Bishops, Jesuites, Priests, and Seminaries, our faithfull agents in this invincible plot; and also to all our faithfull subjects and servants the Roman Catholicks of England.
We are pleased to remaine your Royall Soveraigne and Patron of all your damnable plots and stratagems now in hand.
[Page 7]Given at out Infernall Pallace of perdition this first of September, and in the 5661. yeare of our most damnable raigne.
Postscript.
Since the above-writtē we are credibly informed of the intention of a most scandalous Petition to be delivered by a small number of hereticall Lords unto their King at York, which doth not a little touch our honour, & the discovery of this our present stratagem. Our expresse will & pleasure is, that there be some speedy course taken for the suppressing of the same, and the authors thereof severely punished, and Pomfret Castle allotted unto them for their abode, untill our will and pleasure be further knowne, and this our designe be effected; of which faile you not, as you tender our Royall favour, the successe of this our designe, and your owne safety. Farewell.
A true Coppie of the Petition which was by the Lords presented unto the KING at York, September the 12. 1640.
THe humble Petition of your Majesties most loyall subjects, whose names are here under subscribed, in the behalfe of themselves, and divers others.
Most gracious Soveraigne,
The sense of that duty we owe to Gods sacred Majesty, and our nearest affection to the good and welfare of this your Realm of England, have moved us in all humility, to beseech your Royall Majesty, to give us leave to offer to your Princely wisdom, the apprehension which we & others your faithful subjects have conceived, of the great distemper and danger now threatning this Church and State, & your Royall person, and of the fittest means to remove and prevent the same. The evils and dangers whereof your Majesty may be pleased to take notice of, are these.
That your Majesties sacred person is exposed to hazard & danger, in this present expedition against the Scottish Army, and that by occasion of this warre, your Majesties revenues are much wasted, your subjects burthened with cote and conduct mony, billiting of souldiers, and other military charges, and divers rapines & disorders (committed,) in severall parts of this your Realm, by the souldiers raised for that service, and the whole Realme full of feares and discontentments.
The sundry innovations in matters of Religion, the oath of Canons lately imposed upon the Clergy, and [Page 9] others of your Majesties subjects, the great increase of Popery, and imploying of Popish Recusants, and others ill affected unto Religion, are established in places of power & trust; especially in commanding of men & armes, both in the field, & in sundry other Counties of this your Realm, which by the lawes, they are not permitted to have any armes in their owne houses, The great mischiefe that may fall upon this Kingdom, if the intention which hath beene credibly reported of the bringing in of Irish and forraigne forces, should take effect; The heavy charge of Merchants, to the great discouragement of trade; The multitude of Monopolies and other Patents, whereby the commodities and manufactures of this Kingdome are much burthened, to the great and universall grievances of your people, the great griefe of your subjects, with the long intermission of Parliaments, and the late and former dissolving of such as have beene called, without the happy effects, which otherwise they might have produced; for remedy whereof, and prevention of the danger that may ensue to your Royall person, & the whole state, They do in all humility & faithfulnesse beseech your Majesty, that you will be pleased to summon a Parliament in some short and convenient time, whereby the causes of these and other great grievances, which your people suffer under, may be taken away, & the Authors & Counsellors of them may be brought to such legall tryal, & condigne punishment, as the nature of their offences shall require, and that the present warre may be composed by your Majesties wisdom without bloudshed, in such a manner as may conduce to the honour of your Majesties person & safety, the cōfort of your people, & uniting of both the Realmes against the common enemies of the reformed religion, & your Majesties petitioners shall &c.
[Page 10]The names of such Earles and Barons as subscribed this Petition. viz. Earles: Bedford, Hartford, Essex, Mougrave, Warwicke, Bullingbrooke, Rutland, Lincolne, Exeter. Vicounts: Lord Say and Seale, Mandifield, Brooke, Harford, North, Willowby, Savell, Wharton, Lovelace, Saint John.
Articles of agreement, made, concluded, and done this 28. of September, in the yeare of grace, 1641. and of the world, 5662. by and between the high and mighty Prince Lucifer, King of Sticks and Phlegeton, the holy and most superstitious Primate of the Roman Church, the Cardinals, Bishops, Jesuites, Priests, and Semenaries, (of the one party) and Judge Bribery, Lawyer Corruption, Atturney Contention, Solicitor Sedition, Justice Connivence, Jaylor Oppression, and State Negligence, (of the other party) in manner and forme following.
Imprimis,
IT is this day mutually agreed, by and betweene the severall parties above-named, That there shal be a league offensive, and defensive, concluded, and confirmed by both parties, at or before Holy-roode day, next ensuing the date hereof. Item, That whereas there hath beene lately by the subtill practises of some Parliamentary reformists, a discord & dissension raised between the State Ecclesiastick, & the state of the Inns of Court, wherby there hath hapned no small prejudice unto the ecclesiastick state, the likes whereof is to be doubted, may also fall upon the state of the Innes of Court, and so consequently upon the Crown and dignity of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer. It is therefore mutually agreed, that all former controverfies and contentions betweene both parties shall cease, and [Page 11] that all unity, peace, and concord, shall be imbraced on either side, according to the expressions in the precedent Article, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, his crowne and dignity.
Item, It is agreed that the said state of the Inns of Court, and the state Ecclesiastick afore-said, shall joyntly & severally use the uttermost of their strength, power, and policy, to resist and suppresse all such proceedings of this present Parliament, which shall any way tend to the Reformation and suppression of Oppression, Extortion, Bribery, Contention, & Tradition; And that they shall and will, with all their might, power, and policie, endeavour and strive to broach, advance, and maintaine, all the said severall impieties again, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, his crowne and dignity.
Item, It is agreed by & betweene our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, and the whole state Ecclesiastick, of the one part, and Judge Bribery; That forthwith upon the dissolution of this present Parliament, He the said Judge Bribery, is then again to put in practise the taking of bribes, passing of false judgment, and maintaining his false & corrupt sentences and decrees, to be things sacred and infallible; oppressing the innocent by close imprisonment; and also favouring all Jesuites, Priests, and Semenaries, if any of them happen by the Instruments of Justice to be laid hold on; animating and instructing all Atturnies, Soliciters, and Clarks, for and to the sowing of strife and contention amongst the people of the land, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, his crowne and dignity.
Item, It is agreed by & betweene our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, & Lawyer Corruption: that he the said Lawyer Corruption, shall notwithstanding any powerfull Parliamentary [Page 12] reformation, still persist in taking fees, both of plaintife and defendant, nor shall ever bring any honest cause to its period, untill he hath (in fees) devoured the whole substance both of plaintife and defendant, neither shall he the said Lawyer Corruption ever at any time give any true and prevalent advice to any his clyents, but shall delude and delay them, untill hee hath draynd them as afore-said, to the utter ruine of them, their wives and children, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, and the propagation of his Crowne and dignity. To their owne present, rich impiety, and assured successefull perdition.
Item, It is agreed and concluded, by and betweene our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, and Atturny Contention; That he the said Atturny Contention, shall and will, at all times, in all places, and upon all occasions, use his best diligence to sow debate, strife, variance, & contention amongst the people of the land without exception of persons; yea, he shall not omit to set the father against the son, and the son against the father, as also one brother against the other, to the utter ruine of their estates, houses, and families, to that end he shall dispose of himselfe and all his imphes, into all the quarters and severall corners of the Kingdom; neither shall there be any market-towne or place of habitation, but hee shall seat himselfe there, to the intent and purpose afore-said, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, his Crown and dignity, and to the advancement of the said science of iniquity.
Item, It is agreed by, & between our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, and Solicitor Sedition, That he the said Solicitor Sedition, shall & will at all times use his best endeavour to stir up, animate, and encourage all people, of what [Page 13] condition, degree, & profession soever, unto [...] in the law, and that he the said Solicitor Sedition, shall & will prove faithfull unto all Lawyers and Atturnies, and shall & will be slow in the prosecution of any mans cause whatsoever, & spin out the thred thereof unto its full length, especially in the Courts of equity, by multiplicity of (begging orders) and by not omitting to have this clause inserted into every of his orders; viz. (unlesse cause be shewed to the contrary at the next court day by the defendant) as also by falsifying of orders through the corrupting of registers, and corrupting of counsell in an honest cause, by deceiving his clyents through false and unjust bils of charges, by brybing the Judges of the severall Courts, and the masters of the Chancery, richly, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, his Crowne and dignity, and the eternall damnation of Solicitor Sedition.
Item, It is agreed & concluded in Perpetuum, between our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, & Jaylor Oppression, that whereas through the rigour of the law, many poore Christian soules are committed unto his keeping and safe custody for sundry causes, & sometimes for no just cause at all: He the said Jaylor Oppression, shall & will, by himself, his clarks & servants, be void of all mercy & compassion towards them; and shall and will, as much as in him lyeth, endeavour to worke the utter ruine of the estates and lives of all such as shall be committed to his custody, and to that end, he the said Jaylor Oppression, shall nor will not bee slacke in giving bribes, otherwise stiled new-yeares-gifts yearly unto all the Judges of the Courts of Justice, for, and towards the better incouragement and animation of them, to the commitment of all such to prison, as are, or shall be brought before them on the least occasion; and that he the [Page 14] said Jaylor Oppression shal be ever ready to yeeld his daily attendance on the Judges in their Courts, thereby to stir them up to be mindfull of him to that effect: & lastly it is agreed & concluded, that he the said JaylorOppression, shal & will by himselfe & his servants, set such snares & gins for all those committed to his custody, that they being once intrapped within his prison doors, shall never find the way out, during the continuance of their lives, or of their estates at the least, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, his Crowne and dignity, and to the eternall perdition of Jaylor Oppression.
Item, It is agreed by and between our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, and Justice Connivence, that he the said Justice Connivence, shall not nor will have any regard or respect to the justnes of any poore mans cause, nor shall ever incline his eare to any his just complaints, but shall & will ever connive and bear with the oppressor, defrauder, & deceiver; and that he the said Justice Connivence, shall and will ever preferre the value of a Goose, a Pig, a Capon, a brace of Partridges, a good fat Sheep, a Bore at Christmas, or a letter from a friend, written in favour of Sir Oppressor, Mr. Defrauder, and Dick Deceiver, far before Justice it selfe, or the justnesse of any honest mans cause whatsoever; nor that hee the said Justice Connivence shall ever execute Justice in any poore mans cause, but on the contrary, he shall oppresse them, and have his Mittimus ready written by his Clark. M' double fees for the speedy commitment of them to prison; neither shall hee ever incline his eare to heare their just complaints against the severall golden persons of worship afore-said, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, his Crowne and dignity, and the benefit of Jaylor Oppression.
[Page 15]Item, It is agreed by and between our Soveragine Lord King Lucifer, and state Negligence, that he the said state Negligence, shall ever preferre his own peace and present benefit, before the welfare and future prosperity of his King and country, & also that he the said state negligence shall not at any time, take notice of any the Illegal proceedings in any the Courts of Justice, nor shall addict himself or ever endeavour to suppresse nor prevent by any good or wholsome lawes the practise of tyranny, oppression, in justice, extortion, bribery, contention, idolatry, and the like. But shall and will soly addict himself to the pastimes, of hunting, hauking, gaming, whoring, & the utter rejection of the present and future benefit and welfare of his native countrey, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, the prosperity of his Religious Vicegerent, and the peace and tranquillity of all his servants the Jesuites, Priests, Seminaries, and the Roman Catholicks of England. In witnesse of the truth of these presents, and of every particular contained in the same, the parties above named have hereunto set their hands and seales, the day aforesaid, and in the 5662 yeere of the raigne of our most damnable Soveraigne Lord, King Lucifer. Etcetera.
HERE FOLLOWETH A BREIF RELAtion of a great feast, which from Lucifer Prince of hell was by the hands of Cardinall Pegusius presented to the view, disposall and approbation of the Pope of Rome, in the yeare of Jubilee, 1641.
MY Lord Cardinall Pegusius, and you the rest of my holy Brethren, I beseech you view these excellent varieties, and variety of excellencies, well dressed, & most exquisitely set forth and garnished. But the contents of every dish, I beleeve, is best known to you my Lord Pegusius, from whom I desire to be satisfied, concerning the contents, qualities and operation of every severall dish.
May it please your Holinesse, These varieties of dishes, w ch your holinesse here sees thus set forth, were all of them prepared, for the onely table of our high and mighty Monarch, King Lucifer, your Holinesse sole Patron and Protector, a certain number of which dishes his Majesty hath gratiously been pleased to cause them to be presented to your Holinesse disposall, and the residue of them, onely to your Holinesse view and approbation, being to be preserved for his Majesties owne peculiar pallate.
I beseech you my Lord Card. let me have them brought hither before me in order, according to the appointment of my Soveraigne and most munificent patron.
Your holinesse will and pleasure shall be accomplished, & here in the first place may it please your holynesse to take notice, that the first dish by his majesties appointment to be presented to your holinesse disposall, is this large (Latine charger) contayning twenty two Lordly Bishops, stued with the fire contention, on the chafindish of exasperation, and seasoned with the severall spices [Page 17] of mans invention, as with the spice of the Masse, Priesthood, holy-days, Altars, Candles, Rayles, holy-bread, holy-water, holy-ashes, devout prayer for the dead, invocation of Saints, offerings at the Altars, excommunications: and the strong and operative spice, of the high commission. It is also garnished about, with the severall hereticall Doctrines of all the new intituled Priests of England, and this dish his majesty hath appointed to be disposed of by your holynesse.
I will surely taste of it, (it looks lovely) oh admirable, it is a most LAVDable dish of meat: I can finde nothing wanting in this dish: but onely three graines of the spice of accomplishments, and then it had bin devoutly seasoned for my pallat: but I pray-what is the next dish my lo'
The next dish may it please your holynesse, is a silver charger, comprehending all the contrivers, and complotters of the dissention betweene England and Scotland, of the last Spanish invasion of England, and the practisers with the French for the subversion of a the heriticks in England, Scotland, and Ireland, it is seasoned with all our Iesuitical practises, Church policies and all our English Romane Catholicke trecheries, and garnished with all our English Romane Statists: this dish of meat is now almost cold, and therefore at this present unfit for your holinesse pallat, it only wants the breath of the Earle of Straffords fiery zeale to heat it, by a LAVDable blast or two.
However I pray let me taste of it, oh the lamentation of a sinner, pity, pity, yea a thousand pities is it, that this dish had not bin kept hot and seasoned to the proofe, that we might have sung most LAVDably, [...]e Lucifer Landamus. But my Lord Cardinal what is the next dish.
May it please your holynesse, this dish contains a certaine number of false and corrupt Iudges, it is seasoned with the spice of aged detestable covetousnesse, bribery, extortion, [Page 18] oppression, injustice, unmercifulnesse, and with pervertion of all the statute lawes, garnished with ship-money, forrest-money, lone-money, and a multitude of Isoprises, but this dish is by his majesties speciall order to be preserved for his owne peculiar palate.
His majesties will be done, I shall ever be ready & obedient to al his majesties commands, nor wil I presume to taste of it, but onely passe my judgement on it, that it is a Princely dish, fit onely for his majesties table.
What is the next I pray my Lord?
The next may it please your Holinesse, is a large golden charger, contayning a very great number of base-minded, covetous, unjust, extorting and oppressing Lawyers who value every word by them uttered at a barre of Justice, at a farre higher price then your Holinesse doth your Buls, issued forth for remission of sins: and these caterpillars, his majesty king Lucifer hath brought into such great esteeme, with all the Inhabitants of England, as that no man of quality thinks his house to stand, unlesse it be supported by one of those vermin pillars & brood of contention, this dish is seasoned with the spice of extorting fees from one 20 shillingspeece, to 5 to 10. yea, to 20, especially by those who are stiled the Judges favourites, all this is given sometimes but for the speaking of two or three words, it is likewise seasoned with the taking fees on both sides, deluding Clyents, spinning out the thread of an honest cause to its full length, until the purs-strings both of Plaintife and defendant cracke, and then they are tyed together, by a commission into the country, where these caterpillers are reverenced and feared like so many gods, by all the people: this dish is garnished with some 10000. pestiferous pettifogging seditious ten-groat-Atturnies, one of whose perfidious bils of charges, in one tearme advances it selfe sometimes unto the sum of 5, 10. [Page 19] 20. yea, 30. pounds, especially when he finds his Clyent naturally inclined to the conditions of an asse. And on every of these garnishes hanges five cony-catching deceitfull Solicitors, properly termed lawyers-lime-twigs, traps or nets to catch the poor silly creatures called Clyents, and this dish his majesty hath also reserved for his own table.
It is a Princely dish indeed, and fit onely for the peculiar table of so great a Monarch, as is our most damnable soveraigne King Lucifer, the operation and vertue of which dish, is able to season a whole kingdome, to be fit meat for his majesties palate, especially if there be but the operative spice added to it, call'd the (action of the Case.)
But what is this dish my Lord Cardinall.
May it please your Holinesse, this dish containes a certain number of base muck-worms, stiled Doctors of our Civill Law, Chancellors and Officials, this dish is also seasoned with the unjust spice of extortion, oppression, fraud and deceit, and garnished about with a most damnable crue of Proctors, Notaries, Registers, Deligates, Advocates, Sumners, and petty Apparaters, these have for many yeares proved notable instruments of strife and vexation, unto the Inhabitants of England, and through their deceiveable wayes, have mightily oppressed the people, being not much inferiour unto the precedent Golden Charger.
But to this dish may it please your Holinesse, there hath happened this year a very great mischance in the cooking, for when we thought it should have bin most Laudably boyled up to its greatest height of Catholick operation there happened a Spider to fall into it, through a sudden blast of reformation which hath made it somewhat dangerous now for your holinesse to taste of, for, the Lamb that was most richly seasoned in it, is now through this sudden & unexpected misfortune putrified, and the Duck being awatry [Page 20] foule, is quite dissolved, and this dish by his majesties speciall order, is to be left now to your holinesse disposall.
I am much bound to his majesty for his gracious favour to me herein, I shall be very carefull through deliberation and mature consideration to study for the most fittest disposall thereof during the time of my vicegency here, and then returne it againe to his Majestyes disposall. But I pray you my Lord Cardinal what do those coper vessels contain?
may it please your holinesse: this covered messe is a gallimophre or as the Flemine cals it a Hutchpot, wherin are sundry meats stued together: it containes a certaine number of beasts called corrupt masters of the Chancery, and halfe a dozen corrupt clarks of the chancery, also 150. of their puny clarks commonly termed Atturnies in chancery, it also containes 6 new Atturnies of the Court of requests and some 60 of their puny clarks: this Hutchpot is seasoned with the spice of bribery, false witnesses stiled Knights of the poste, a spice greatly in request in those Courts, especially in the examiners offices and the late Coventry affidavit office, but his majesties speciall command is to have this covered mispreserved in its present condition, least contention should cease amongst the inhabitants of England, and unity and peace take place, which cannot but tend much to his majesties detriment and losse of dominion in that Kingdome, and to that end he hath caused the same to be sealed up, and to be conveyed from Coventry to Manchester by the goulden-Finche.
Good my Lord Cardinall I beseech you, let his majesties will and pleasure herein be very carefully accomplished, for it concerns much his majestyes honour and our safety.
But what is in this dish my Lord?
This may it please your holines, is likewise a Hutchpot, [Page 21] contayning meates of sundry sorts and operations, it containes a certaine number of Prothonotaries, Registers, and Clarks of the Star Chamber, Chancery, Court of Request, Kings-Bench, Common Pleas, and the Exchecker, this galimofre is seasoned with subornation of false-witnesses, falsifying of orders, and decrees, it is garnished with the subtill practises of the renter warden of the fleet and his imphes, as also with Kilvert, kilfart, kilbennet, kill Bishop, and the like instruments of Lawyers gaine, the operations of this dish chiefly consists in the confusion of mens estates, to extract Gold out of all mens purses, to suppresse vertue and peace, and to advance iniquity and contention, to wrong and oppresse every man, and to do right unto no man.
And this messe is also to be reserved for his Majesties Table.
Good my Lord Cardinal, I pray you let me taste of this messe, the operation whereof by your relation appeares to be admirable, I wish from my heart that I might also grow capeable of that vertue of extracting Gold out of the English nation, as some of my predecessors have don before me, (I confesse) the study of this Art was begun by my Phisition most laudadly, but alasse and woe is me, it was marred by a robustuous storme of winde out of the North, and quite spoyled a vehement shower of puritanicall raine, and what is the next messe my Lord?
May it please your holinesse, this is also a Hutchpot, containing sundry course meats, as scriveners, brokers, usurers, jailors, baliss, sergeants, informers, perjured Chuch-wardens, justlers of the peace, and bumbailifs: this messe is seasoned with parchment, deceit, extortion, usury, oppression, murdering of Christian souls in prisons through famine, false information, injustice, neglect, and tyranny, and is garnished with a number of irreligious Maiors, Sherifs, [Page 22] Feoderies, escheaters, Clarkes of the syse, Clarcks of the peace, Constables and headboroughs. But this messe is by his majesties order to be disposed of unto his servant.
Indeed my Lord Card. me thinks this Messe hath a very bitter rellish with it, else my mouth is quite out of taste, I confesse it to be a messe fit onely for his majesties Hell-hounds, But what is this last messe?
I conceive this messe to be very well known to your holinesse, for it is seasoned with most of those operative spices that all the meat dressed in your holines kitchen is seasoned with this mess, contains divers justicial birds of Middlesex, as namely the Long, the Hearn, the Snape, the Hooker, the Geay, & the likes of them. Seasoned with the fees and bribes of all the whores and theeves that live in Westminster, Coven-Garden, Holborn, Grub-street, Clarkenwell, Rosemarylane, Turnbull-street, Ratcliff, Southwark, Bank-side, and Kent-street; this dish is also garnished with the New-yearsgifts of the whores, theeves, and cutpurses, dwelling in the forenamed severall places, but this Messe is by his majestie reserved for his owne peculiar pallate.
Oh venerable Bead, Oh holy Garnet, O sanctified Faux, O reverend Becket, O beloved Ravilliack, Campion, Watson, Parsons, Morton, Sands, and admired Bellarmine, I call you all to witnesse this day, whether you or any of you have ever as yet been capeable of such a delicious feast, adorned with so many varieties, beautified with so many severall rarieties, and seasoned with such delectable spices.
And thus rendring all humble and hearty thanks, with all reverence in all obedience unto his Majestie, our most damnable prince and Protector, Lucifer, King of Sticks and Phlegeton; I remaine his majesties humble servant and Vice gerent, at his majesties sole disposall during life.
PAPA ROMANORUM
Advices and motives to the Honourable Assembly in Parliament.
Received by me, Fountaine of iniquity, this 22. of September, 1641. by the helpe of Judge Bribery, and the furtherance of Lawyer Impiety, of Romanus Treachery, the summe of 10. pounds of damnable simplicity: 9. pounds of superstitious ignorance: 7. pounds of idolatrous folly: 6. pounds of wilfull stupidity: and 3. pounds of perversenesse, to and for the use of Impatience: And by his appointment to be delivered unto gentle Prodigality, to and for the use of Mistris Inconstancy, daughter and sole heire unto Mistris Letchery, the grand-child of Mistris Bawdery, dwelling next doore unto Mistris Beggery.