The Last VVill and Testament of the late deceased French fachanap's, who was wont to attend the Bears, &c.
FIrst, for my Executor I do hereby appoint my well-beloved Kinsman and Patron the Taylor that went over to France to make Cloathes there, for his Customers here, in order to the approaching solemnity, whom I also appoint to carry my Bones, when I have paid my tribute to death, back into France, and inter them solemnly amongst the French, we being the ancient Inhabitants of that Nation (according to the most wormeaten Records and Antiquities were ever retrived by Selden and Cambden those rat-crobbing Antiquaries) from whence they unto this day borrow their Mimical gestures, Apish airiness in garb and countenance.
As for my ridiculous Conversation and Courtship affected, I bequeath to most of our new-returned Travellers, and to all such who would be thought so that never travelled further then to Bansted downs to a Horse-race, or at furthest to meet the King at Dover, all whom I leave to be countenanced and admired by your now Madams, who give the preminence to our [Page 4] Cringing Family, and the more that Gentlemen participate of our Nature, the more accomplished Persons and Courtiers they account them; for which Sisterly conceipt and opinion, we intail to their children the perfections onely of dancing, dopping forced face-grinning, called smiling, talking idly, complementing, running dog mad in love, hugging their Mistrissis Gloves, fetching and carrying like Spaniels, of being bred up Dunces, Asses, and Puppets, with a strong Antipathy to all Learning and Arts.
As for the itch of my Tayl, I bequeath to stale Chamber-maids, Green-sicknessed Wenches, to most of your zealous sisters poach'd in the Geneva Pipkin, and high Capon-fed Citizens wives, and old Ladies that continue to patch and paint after fifty.
As for my activity I bequeath to the French Nation, beside many other of my personal Qualities and Endowments, and also to Dancing Masters, Dancers on the Ropes, Jack-puddings, such as show feates of activity. &c.
And to such as savour nothing but what is French in diet, habit, deportment, and all other things I do bequeath my Braines, beside my natural aptness to imitate any thing that is ridiculous.
The nimbleness of my hands and fingers in turning over hair by hair, and looking of heads, I bequeath to French Tire-women especially, and all such that dress Ladies heads, and manage their hair a la mode, with a tedious whole-mornings labour, which in the afternoons is to be seen, and set to the view into the bargain, with the Playes, at the new Theater, and other Play-houses.
[Page 5] My Courage and Valour I bequeath to young Carpet-Knights, and such White-bread and Butter Soldiers that never knew any other hardship but a Feather-bed, no want of provision, but a Caudle in the morning, or Jeccaletto, no Alarums, but a noise of Fidlers, no Skirmishes but with Ladies on Couches and Day-beds, no Batteries but what they have made in Tavern windows, no Sieges but over Close-stools, no Wounds but Patches and slash Doublets, have handled no Arms but Ladies Bodkins, Busks and Fans, fired no Guns but Tobacco-pipes, ride no Horses but a hunting, commanded no Parties but a pack of Hounds, stormed no breaches but what Nature in the kinder sort of women has laid open to them; planted no Ordinance but volleys of Bumbast complements, drawn no Lines but about Petticoats, led no Soldiers but their Lacqueys, lay on no Guards but on the Counters for night-walking, know no Tat Towes but a lusty dose to bed wards, no Parades but dressing themselves, no Patrols but from Bawdy-house to Bawdy-house.
As for my Cap and Feather, Jacket, and my other waring Habilliments Cap ape, I leave to the City Taylors to cut out the next summers fashion by, without the unnecessary charge of sending into France for Paterns.
Many other things I have to bestow, which I leave to the petty maungy French Traders, Handicraft-men and women who swarm over into England, to be promiscuously disposed to those that shall think fit to share in my Legacies.
As for my Epitaph, I desire is may be written in [Page 6] French, and if any modern Poet shall be pleased to make mournful Ballats of me, I desire they may be sung to shrill French tunes, in consort with a Flagelet.
To my Successors I shall only leave these Injunctions of a dying Ape, whose origine, 'tis true, was from France, but his breeding and bringing up still in England, but alwayes after the French fashion.
First, I enjoy you to have your French Tutors, French Dancing masters, French Lacqueys, French Cooks and if ye chance to have yong Apes, to provide French Women, and French Nurses to attend them, lest they should degenerate from our race; so will they learn the French Tongue, the French impudence, the French levity, the French letchery, and all other French fantastique manners, without endangering your pretty Baby in Forraign travail, or divorcing them from the sucking-bottle at home, and the brests of their tender mothers.
Secondly, let all your Cloathes come out of France, or be made here by French Taylors, 'tis no matter if they be Botchers, such who in France, their own Country, could never earn oyl and vineger to the grass and herbs they pick up in fields on free-cost, to cramb their horse-sallat devouring maws with, nay not so much as salt to their onions, and stinking butter to frie their Toad-stools, yet here they pass for rare needle-shop-board Artists, although in France they wrought in lowsie stalls, in petty Villages to Country Peasants, and cut out not higher work then Canvass Doublets, and Canvass Breeches, perhaps might foot Stockings, if any were worn in that Village, which is not usual.
[Page 7] Thirdly, let all your Petriwigs and Bands be brought out of France, although they be made of horse tails, and cobbled on a cap like thrums on a map. Let thy Gloves too come from thence, although so monstrously unshaped, as if they had been cut out with a Hatchet, not Sissers, and seam'd like a sack with large stiches, and needle of a Harnass-maker, not of a Glover, and be sure to buy nothing else, either for ornament or ware, but what is cryed up for French.
Fourthly, let nothing please your eyes but French bravery, French shows, and all other objects appropriate to that sense; nothing please your eares but French Musique, French voices, &c. Nothing your taste but French Gusto's, French Dishes, French Sawces, &c. Nothing your smell but French Odours, nothing your touch but French women, and finally, let nothing please your understanding but French follies.
Fiftly, keep no good not open house, as the ancient Gentry were formerly wont to do in England, but embrace the French parsimonie. Let your Kitchins be chafing-dishes, and your Butteries a few bottles of Vin de Pari, with whole palefuls of water. Give your Families slender board-wages, let them shift for their livings, and feed sparingly, so will they be a less burthen to the tails of your Coaches, which usually carries the whole Family behind them, beside an old woman to look to the house at home; with this provident thrist may the charge of wood, coal, and Chimny-sweeping be saved, and no scraps and offals prodigally cast away to dogs and beggers at the [Page 8] gates, onely the crooked nosed naked French little dog, my Lady pampers, is to make up the second at the upper end of the Table, and feed in the same dish.
But alas! I feel the pangs of death upon me (else I had many other things and instructions to minde you of) and the breath going from me, which I do here bequeath to all those men or women of the English Nation, who daily plead in praise of the French, and of their fashions, and customs, to the disparagement of their own native Country, from whence they receive their breath and nourishment. And it would not be amiss that all those who are so much for employing French, and for slighting, villifying, and despising their own Country-men, might have all their Beefs and Muttons, which this Island in such plenty afford, fetched out of France, and sold here at dear rates for their Bellies, since they let the French gain so much by their back.
With this he bow'd his head, kissed his paw, heaved up his shoulders, gave a French shrug, and expired.