NAY then, cry'd one Grave Pug to another, why may not the Monkeys and Apes be allow'd to prate and chatter as well as the Bulls and the Bears, and the Mastiff-Cur [...]? I know no reason at all against it, quo' the t'other Pug; for of all Beasts under the Sun, a Monkey is the nearest Resem­blance of Man, and the greatest Imitator of his Actions. 'Tis very true, Brother Pug, quo' the first Monkey, I have heard 'em call one another Ape's-Faces, and Monkey-Faces, and twit one another with their Monkey-Tricks a thousand times. And, by my Troth, under the Rose be it spoken, I think there are some of 'em, and those not a few, greater Imitators of Ʋs than we are of Them: For as Worms in their Tongues make Puppies mad; so Maggots i' their Pates make Men Apish. By the Bones of my deceased Mother Dame Qui­naude, there 'tis then, cry'd the second Pug; for I have been a great looker of Mens Heads i' my time; and as I can see through a Milstone as far as another; I have peep'd into their Sculls, and have seen Worms crawling i' their Brains as long as my Tail. But all this while, I am of opinion, that these sort of Men are wiser than we; for who among us can pretend to Knowledge, and Learning, and Philosophy, nay, and Divinity too, as they do? That's for want of Education, Brother Pug, quo' the first Monkey. I am a Dog of a Monkey if I don't believe, that if I had been bred at the Versity, as they call it, I could have strutted it as conceitedly as some of these Parable-Mongers that I have observ'd about the Streets. Preferment and Education alter the Monkey as well as the Man: And there­fore when our Brother Jackanapes came to be preferr'd to be Gentleman-Usher to the Bears, he became his Horse as well as some Knights. Now then, Brother Pug, you can­not but know there are a great number of Apes and Monkeys about this Town, under several Masters and Mistresses here and there, that chatter any thing for Bread; and therefore do thee but go and set up a Coffee-House in some eminent Street of the City, (I'le warrant thee Custom enough) and then thou shalt see whether we have lost the strength of our Imaginations or no. By the Mass, Brother Pug, quo' the second Monkey, I like your Advice; for there's good Profit [Page 2] to be got by a Coffee-House amongst our Brother Monkeys, if I can keep my Brethren from breaking my Pipes and Dishes; and I long to be one of your Rich Monkeys: I have known some of your Rich Monkeys have come to be Masters of their Companies. But have my Brethren any Money in their Pockets? Oh— never fear it, quo' the first Pug; did you never hear of Ape's Money? 'Tis such as your Alsatia-Men pay their Creditors with.

The second Pug thus inflated with his Bro­ther's Encouragements, presently got him a House, furnish'd it with Tobacco-Pipes, Dishes, and Wax-Candles, Coffee, Tea, Mum, Ale, &c. and then set up his Sign with this Motto on the one side, Aujourdhuy Seigneur, domain Singe—on the other, Tout passe par ses Tripes, comme par le Cul du Singe.

And now to see the luck on't; no sooner had he open'd his Doors, but in comes a Spruce Monkey, and call'd for the News-Letter; where he had not read above a dozen Lines, but he was follow'd by a Black Monkey, with a little plain Band, who clapping down just against the Spruce Monkey, This Coffee-Monkey, quo' he, must certainly have a great Trade, if all the Monkeys, Apes, and Baboons i'th' Town resort to his House. If they don't, quo' the Spruce Monkey, they are very disobliging to one of their own kind. But I wonder how he will do to engage the Cercopithe­culi; [...]udolphus Hist. Ethiop. l. 1. c. 10. for tho' they are alto­gether like us in Shape, yet they are quite of another Temper, and vary from us both in Conditi­ons and Opinions. We are, as all the World knows, Wicked and Mischievous, to the Perdition of all that comes near us; they Gentle and Harmless; and for the Beauty of their outward Shape, and Integrity of their inward good Qualities, highly caress'd and taken care of by their Great Master and Preserver Augustus. But let the Cercopithe­culi go where they please; there are cer­tainly Apes and Monkeys enough to do one Monkey's Business. Well, Sir, quo' the Black Monkey, ( viz. one of the wicked Blackbirds) What d [...] ye hear of News from our Chief Master the great French Ape? Is the Monkey Tyrconnel landed in Ireland, with Succours from the great French Baboon, as they say he is?

Rot these Baboons of News-Mongers, quo the Spruce Monkey; they say nothing as yet of the matter, and yet to my knowledge they have a Sallary from us Apes and Monkeys, to write the News in favour of the French Ape, Cudds Fish, these Baboons of News-mongers have not the right stroke at invention; I'de be bound to be chok'd with rotten Figs, if I did not make more and better every hour of the day. I'le forfeit my Tail close to my But­tocks, if I don't raise a Hundred Thousand Men on one side, and a Hundred Thousand a t'other, and make which Party I please get the Victory, in ten Minutes and three Seconds. Here's a do indeed with Winter Quarters and Campaigns — when they're out ye can hardly get 'em in again; and when they're in ye can hardly get 'em out again; and thus they spend the Winter and Summer to little or no purpose. Ask for the Gazette, and every body cries, there's nothing in't, but Hue and Cries after lost Horses, Grey Hounds, and Lap-Dogs. I'de have nothing, Lippis & Ton­soribus notum, but still Fresh and New, Fresh and New, as May-Butter out of the Churn.

With that, Fresh and New! quo' a two-handed Baboon, that sate at the upper end of the Table, wrapt up in Smoke, like Ixion in a Cloud, why, I'le undertake to tell ye all the News of this next Year before hand—In March the Great French Baboon will pour into Ireland an Army of Forty Thousand of his choicest Baboons; and upon the 1st of April his Fleet will put to Sea, and if they find the Cercopitheculi out before, then they'l go in a­gain. In May the French Baboons will regain Ireland; and in June the French Ape shall land either at Lyme or Melcomb, and sweep all before him, like an Ostler's Broom. For to my certain knowledge, the Emperour is re­solved to make a Peace with the Great French Baboon, and then the Confederates may go whistle—Nay, if this Frost hold long e­nough, I question, my dear Brethren of the long Tail, whether Amsterdam and the Hague be so safe as they think they are — Which put the Apes and Monkeys into such a fit of Exultation, that they fell a chattering as if they [...]d had a Coster-Monger's Basket before 'em.

But tho' the House were not so well filled at the first opening, you may be sure at their next meeting it was crowded like a Play-House upon the Poets day. Thither came the Pas­sive Obedience Monkeys, and the Non-Resistance Monkeys; who at first seem'd to be very friend­ly, shook hands together, and were glad to meet one another, till at length, by an unlucky Chance, and the Industry of the Black Monkeys, who favour'd the great French Ape, the rest of the Apes and Monkeys having no more Reason than such kind of Creatures [Page 3] should have, they were so distracted with Pas­sive Obedience and Non Resistance on the one hand, and the Obligations of Annihilated Oaths on the other, that they all became Apostates to their own Interest, and gave themselves o­ver to the Delusions of the Black Monkeys with that violence, that when one of the Black Monkeys, who had been in great Re­verence and Esteem among them, fell off, and asserted Non-Resistance, and Lawfulness of Oaths to a Prince in Possession, they ex­pell'd him the Coffee-House, or if he came in among 'em, entertain'd him with no­thing but Mopps and Mows after their man­ner, which put the Apes and the Monkeys into such Heats and Quarrels among them­selves, that they did nothing but throw Vindications, Replies, and Remarks at one a­nothers Heads for half a year together. One little Ape there was that set a couple of Weasels upon the Black Monkey, which had done him more mischief than they did, but that they were encountred with two Anti-Weasels; so that the Cercopitheculi had enough to do to hold their sides, and laugh at the terrible Combats of Monkeys against Monkeys, and Weasels against Weasels, and all for a Rice-Pudding of Passive Obedience and Non Resistance.

At another Table sate the Rapparee Monkeys; who having receiv'd a late foyl in a Contest with the Cercopitheculi, one cry'd, he was meerly drawn in; another cry'd, his Paw was set to the Petition against his con­sent; Cuds Fish, cry'd another, were it to do again, I'de do it: What, shall we lose our Priviledges! I'de fain know what we got by our Petitioning, cry'd another? Cry'd the other, we kept Peoples Tongues from lying idle i'their Mouths; and we pursu'd our Nature, which is still to be do­ing Mischief. Upon which, up stept a Re­verend Baboon, and, Come, Brothers, quo' he, Fame's Fame, whether it be good or bad. Herostratus had never liv'd till now in our Memoirs, but for burning the Temple of Ephe [...]us, as I learnt when I went to Paul [...]s School. For my part, I am well sa­tisfied, that we have occasion'd the spoyl­ing Paper enough in single Sheeted Re­mark [...] that will serve all the young Monkeys i'th Torn to make Paper Kites of, where­by our Names will be advanced to the Skies: which, if the Poets don't lie, is one of the great Rewards of Honour; at least we shall be quarter'd i'th [...]ext Chronicle, and that's better than, Here lies the Body of such one, in a Nasty Church-Yard.

But this Discourse was interrupted by a She-Monkye of a Mercury, that cry'd about the Coffee-House, the Restor'd Maidenhead. Presently cry'd one of the Monkeys, Sister, let me see your Restor'd Maidenhead; and smelling to the Title, surely, quo' he, this Monkey of a Writer must ride in his Coach and Eight Horses, if he can but perform what he says. What would not some She-Monkeys about this Town give to have their Maidenheads restor'd, that they might lose 'em as often. By the Tears of my sweet Mother of happy Memory, cry'd another Monkey, 'twas more than all the Gods in Ovid durst ever attempt, for fear of failing; they only turn'd their deflowr'd Mistresses, when they bewail'd their Losses, into Trees and Flowers. Truly, quo' the She Monkey, if I have any skill, this Quack of a Monkey, I fear me, has undertaken more than he can perform, and as I hear, his Receipt gives offence too. Nay then, quo' another Monkey that sate by, let our dear Brother take heed it does not fare with him, as it did with the Monkey that wou'd needs be imitating the Log-Cleaver; for that Monkey, while the Fellow was gone to dinner, cleft on so long, that the first Wedge that kept open the Wood fell out, at the same time that the Monkey's Foot slipt in; so that the two Pieces closing again, put the poor Monkey to those dismal Lamentations as brought out the Log-Cleaver, who, seeing the offi­cious Pug in that distress, This ye get, Sirrah, quo' he, for meddling with that y'have nothing to do withal. Ah, Master, Master, could this Monkey of a Writer but do as he says, I'de give him more Money than ever he had for his Copy, as poor as I am, for a Daughter of my own that has had a Mischance.

So soon as the She Monkey was gone, up starts the first Monkey; quo' he, I told ye at first, that Men call us Monkies, but we believe them to be as much Monkeys as our selves. For I would fain know, Cui Bono was this Restor'd Maidenhead Written? If it were for the General Benefit of the Female Republick, I know not what to say to it; in regard [...] may be presum'd the Female Republick has need enough of such a Project: But [...] it were only to make sport, and create laughter, and con­sequently to get Money, 'tis no more [...] [Page 4] one of us Monkeys could have done: Be­sides, that Female Honour is too tender a thing to be expos'd to the 'rude Blasts of publick Satyrs. But letting this pass, I have got another thing here i' my Pouch, which makes me believe there is some sudden Change in the World at hand. Here's a thing call'd, The Parable of the Bear-Garden.

By the Mass, quo' a Senior Pug, that listned to the First Monkey's Speech, I tremble to think on't. For if Man be transmuted thus into Bulls and Bears, and Mastiffs, and Lap-Dogs, what will they turn us Monkeys into? There's no fear of that, quo' another Monkey; for there is no Creature under the Skie that will so well fit our Nature as our own selves. But as for Men, they had rather a great many of 'em be Beasts as they are, than what they were created. And therefore what said Gryllus in Plutarch to Ʋlysses, when he came to intreat Circe to restore the Grecians she had chang'd into Swine, to their Original Form? Gryllus told Ʋlysses, he was a Coxcomb to come thither about such a Fool's Errand; for that he and his Companions were well contented with their condition, and that for his part he had rather continue a Swine, and wallow in the Mire, than be King of Ithaca. And therefore who knows, in regard the World is in a perpetual posture of change, whether the World is not to undergo the same changes again which it has done al­ready: For first the Men spoke, and then the Beasts and Birds spoke, then the Men spoke again, and now the Beasts and the Birds a second time. But the Fish never spoke in this World; for which reason it is said, As mute as a Fish (and there­fore by the way, I condemn the Parable of the Shark and the Herring-Pond to the Father of Lies) However 'tis well the limits of the Bear-Garden are so spaciously extended. For whereas there was before but one Jackanapes a Horse-back, there may be now occasion for a Hundred; and so there's more room for Preferment among us.

While the Monkeys were thus descanting upon the Parable of the Bear-Garden, in comes a bold Cercopitheculus; Gentlemen, quo' he, I have heard your discourse upon the Parable of the Bear-Baiting: But what think you of the Parable of the Magpies? 'twas the invention, they say, of a Monkey of a Bookseller; a Meager soul'd Monkey, with a Countenance like a sows'd Hogs-Face, look­ing as if he never eat a good Meals Meat in his life, but had always liv'd upon Penny-Porringers of Scalding-Alley Mutton-Broth; who because he lives at the Sign of the Raven, thinks he may take the liberty to croak over the Reputation of all Men. Up­on this, one of the more serious Monkyes, in a sullen tone, Of all the Birds that fly, I love Magpies, quo' he, because they are so roguish and unlucky like our selves (for which we are call'd Wits amongst the Beasts, by a modern Wit amongst the Men) and therefore no fit Emblems to reproach the Reverence due to that Sacred Order which seems thereby to be reflected on. There's your mistake, cry'd another Monkey; 'tis not for their unlucky tricks so much as for their White Breasts, and White Slips upon their Wings, that the Monkey of a Bookseller made use of Magpies. With that the Cerco­pitheculus putting in, Did he so, quo' he, then hang up the Monkey of a Bookseller, with his Parable about his Neck, for abusing the decent Habits of a Sacred Order. No, no, replyed one of the Monkeys, 'tis enough he is so well known to be one of our number; and besides, he is so very covetous that he will abuse any body for the prospect of get­ting Sixpence; ‘Quando dolosi spes refulserit nummi.’ Such Magpies as these will speak Parables at any time. 'Tis in fashion now a days, because People are not to be named, to make plea­sant Satyrs upon 'em, under the Shapes and Characters of Beasts and Birds. Thus you shall hear a Parrot call the Mistress and the Maids Whores, and the Master of the House Knave; and the thing perhaps may be true— Yet because a Parrot only speaks it, no body regards it; and therefore being a new Mode, and the Humour taking, Men must bear their Crosses with Silence and Patience.

These Two Parables have begot seve [...] others of lesser Note, as one Street-Boxi [...] of two great Boobies, sets all the little [...]ys a Cuffing. But here's enough for one [...]me.