CHAP. I. Of the Original cause of all troubles, what share the Authour had therein: Why seeing all men are by nature the children of wrath, do not all thus feel the weight of it, the particular occasion of his first awakening. Satans design in it. Gods over-ruling and turning it to good.

VVHen I consider the sad estate wherein all the sinful Sons of Adam lye, how [Page](through the most righteous judgement of God for our wilful transgression of his holy Law, (which he gave for a rule and tryal of our obedience) miserably they are deprived of a most blessed estate. Gods Image and blessed presence, once had and enjoyed, and how dan­gerously depraved and swollen up into an en­mity against God their Maker; their nature is: I am so far from wondring at the horror that sometimes here and there one is surprized withall, that I must confess 'tis a far greater wonder to me that any are found to live at ease. Dread and horror are the best fruit that can be had for eating of the forbidden tree. If meer justice ruled the world the thickets would be every mans habitation: Magor Missabib might be the fittest name for Adams race, Jer. 20.3 fear round about. now degenerated into a brood of vipers. 'Tis a wonder sin hath not found out and frightned the sinner upon earth, that caught him in and cast him out of Paradice. If it spared him not there, how should it pass him by here: if it turned him out of his walk, his most delightful walk with the God of bliss there, why hath it not tumbled him down into a bed of fire [...]ere? sure I am sorrow, and distress of conscience is as much an attendant upon sin [Page]and guilt, as the shadow is of the body, as hear is of the fire, as dark shadows were of the night by this the children of the day are trans­formed into those of the night, and the heirs of God into haters of God, and children of wrath, and such are all men without excep­tion in a natural condition.

These considerations make it less to be wondred at I say, that any man should groan under the burthen of sin which lyes so heavy upon all; it being a far greater wonder, as I said before, that the just, holy, and righteous God should so long suspend the execution of the antient sentence past upon Adam and his posterity, or that any of the inhabitants of the earth, should not sear their dropping into Hell, and dread their danger.

I, for my part, must (to the honour of my strong Redeemer) take to my self the guilt of that first transgression, and acknowledge that from the loins of the first Adam hath a venemous empoisoned nature been conveyed unto me. Let no man say or think that any part of my past misery sprung from any other fountain then this evil nature. I know that a­midst the numberless number of Satans artifi­ces, this is one of his main engines, whereby he would keep poor captive souls from the [Page]ways of life and peace. He labours to bring up an evil report of such ways, representing religion as the great incending as well in the Consciences as in the Kingdoms of Men, and with as much confidence avers it as wicked Ahab did of the good Prophets that profession of the Gospel attended with it's required strictness is the grand trouble of the world. 1. Kings 18.17. Insomuch that I think 'twould be no mistake should I affirm this for a certain truth. That Satans furious attempts made most what, upon the inward peace of Gospel professions (who having escaped the polutions that are in the world through lust, and committed the keeping of their souls in­to the hands of an able preserver) are not allwayes raised by him in hope of bringing them back into their former bondage, or un­doing their souls by desperation. But that he may stir up a greater dislike in the hearts of his Vassals to the ways of purity. Offences are the trade that Satan sets up and drives. The miseries of us are the mirth of him, But woe to him by whom they come, and woe to the world because of them. Let the Reader know for a certain truth, that however carnall hearts conceive of the way [Page]that is called Holy, branding it by the names of melancholly, mopish and m [...]d wisdom is justified of her Children, all her wayes are wayes of pleasantness and all her paths are peace, Prov. 3.17. car­nal and sensual delights are not in the least to be compared with spiritual and divine, Ps. 46.4. the River that makes glad the City of God is more deep more durable, more delightful; then the Egyp­tian Nilus; the waters of Siloam run but soft­ly, the consolations of God found in the way of holy obedience make no great noise in the ears of common observers, who are meet strangers to such joyes, but they are therefore the more deep and solid. My long experience hath taught me in the midst of all the intricacies of providence to hold this for a certain truth, that godliness never took away any mans peace, nor ungodliness never gave it▪ The closest conformity to the commands of God never did any man harm, nor did the pleasures of sin ever do any man good, the wise lord of all hath thought fit to train me up under ma­ny spiritual afflictions and sore temptations, I am now arrived at the borders of Death through age, of much of my part life may I truly say in the words of the distressed Psal­mist, [Page]that in it my Soul hath been full of troubles, Ps 88.3. by reason whereof my life hath oft drawn nigh to the grave, yet in the greatest of my extremities, have I ever seen a real-worth in holy strict­ness, such a worth have I seen in that; that I may truly say, not it, but Satan taking advan­tage of my want of it, was that which did me harm, the bitter cup of external, internal or eternal evils receiveth it. Fulness from an evil nature, a naughty heart, whoever is em­ployed in the filling of it, the fountain for fetching of it is within our selves; destruction when it cometh as a whirl-wind, suddenly, sur­roundingly, and on every side, so that to de­termine from what particular point it blows may seem impossible, yet must it be granted that its ingendring was in the deep and deadly Caverns of an earthly and an evil heart, what­ever instrumentallity, Men or Devils have in the infliction of our troubles, our destructions are undeniably not from them, but from our selves. Oh! then let none say or think that 'tis Religion, but irreligion; preciseness, but disso­luteness, drawing nigh unto, but departing away from, the living God, much reading, praying, hearing, searching the Scriptures, consorting with the godly, &c. But the con­trary, [Page]have been the causes (though the other sometimes the occasions) of hellish horrors and disquietness of mind. Rom. 7.8.11. Oh! no, no, 'tis sin that is the root of bitterness spring­ing up into troubles? a sinful nature, a sinful life, or the least sinful omission, any one act of sin though never so small is enough to in­fuse that horror into the soul that all the pleasures of time shall never be able to claw off.

Thus that sinful nature, which I brought a­long with me into the world, and by which (as soon as I had attained to my ripeness of years I began to manifest whose child I was bringing forth such fruits whereof I am asha­med: This I say was the root of all the bitter­ness I have hitherto tasted of, 'twas not too much preciseness, which the enemies of true Godliness falsly so call, that wrought this disturbance in me. For at the time when my troubles began I had neither affection to, nor acquaintance with; any other way of serving the God of heaven, then what was common carnal and external.

Q. How then comes it to pass that the whole Earth, upon the matter lyeth still, and is at quiet not troubled themselves with such strange kind [Page]of doubts, fears, and distractions of thoughts about their Eternal state as you speak of, nor troubling others with their complaint about them? Sure, co­ming too near the heels of Religion, is the cause of such fractions of the bones of inward peace, or else why should not others be thus perplexed?

Ans. I answer that however the Objection is manifestly rooted in the minds of carnal men, who by reason of their fondness of their false peace, not willing to raise disturbances within themselves, like no worship of God save that which biteth not, but contrarily bite and devour such as do yet so false and ground less is this Objection that in few words I shall only say.

1. That however tis true (de facto) that, most of those who ingage in the ways of God meet with great troubles and distress of con­science at the first entrance, yet (de jure) no sort of men are more the sons of consolation than they.

2. Such distresses are most needful: most profitable things, and such as commend the wa [...]es of God above all others. For con­sider.

1. How else should the heart of man who (by nature) drinketh in iniquity as a thirsty man water, be put out of his seeming▪ de­lightful [Page]way of sinning, 'tis the way that Heaven hath pitcht upon to save men from Hell, this to acquaint them with the bitterness of sin here.

2. How else should the heart of a sinner be prepared to entertain the terms and tidings of a Saviour, Christ believed in, Christ relyed upon, Christ owned and em­braced and submitted unto, 1 Tim. 3.16. is one of the greatest misteries of Godliness in all the world, and nothing prepareth the heart more to hearken to, and embrace the tidings, the tenders, and the terms of so sweet a name as Je­sus is then spiritual distress souls weary and heavy laden, Mat. 11.28. and none but such have to do, or will have to do with Iesus Christ.

3. How should the Law of God be found powerful to kill, or the Gospel of Christ pow­erful to quicken any other way.

We read of Gods magnifying his word a­bove all his name 'tis his aim, and delight to do so, he will have men to know his word to be a word of power, an instrument of life or death; a two edged sword, and therefore not to be jested with, and the ordinary way of effecting this, is, by raising the benumbed [Page]Souls of sinners from that natural Lethargy and carnal security that lyeth upon their whole inward man, understanding, will, con­science, affections, the Soul, and all that is within the Soul of an unregenerate person standeth not in awe of divine precepts, promi­ses, or threatnings till awakened by divine power. God may speak once, yea twice, yet man perceiveth it not, until in a dream, in a vision of the night. when deep sleep falleth upon men, in slumberings upon the bed, then he openeth the ears of men and sealeth their instruction▪ Job. 33.14. &c. 'tis usually some rough dealing that is required to rouze the sinner out of his pleasant but false dreams of peace. Sometimes he is chastned with pain upon his bed, and the multitude of his bones with strong pains so that his life abhorreth bread, and his soul dainty meat. His flesh is consumed away that it cannot be s [...]on, and his bones that were not seen stick ou [...], his Soul d [...]aweth nigh to the Grave and his l [...]fe to the destroyers. Thus God ruineth and tortureth Sinners into the way of Life, & maketh room for the Messenger, the interpreter the One among a thousand to shew unto Man his uprightness. verses 20.21, 22, 23. Mount Sinai's terrible thunderings did not more powerful make way for the reception of the [Page]Law, then the conviction of sin by the Law, doth for the embracement of the Gospel, and the embracement of it for the settlement of inward distractions.

In a word. The wounds of conscience, plainly shew not only the power of the Law by which sin is strengthned, armed, and enabled, to work death: but also the power of the Gospel in setting poor distressed Souls at freedom from The Law, Sin, and Death.

3. 'Tis a most senceless imagination to judge any mans person or way to be the more excellent because less troublesome in it.

By this crooked rule the unblushing fore­head of an Harlot may pass for an hopeful sign of her future happiness, the Bedlam may boast of his better condition then others be­cause he feels not those prickings of pins and needles which if others had they would cry out of. And yet

4. How many instances have the records of time given us of the confounding terrors that wicked men on the sudden have been overwhelmed with? how oft may it be ob­served how God distributeth sorrow to such in dreadful measures, and how from the [Page 12]heighth of censuall delights God casts them down into destruction how are they brought into de­solation as in a moment? they are utterly consu­med with terrors. Ps 73.18, 19. God hath appoint­ed a day wherein he will make known his wrath upon all the vessels of wrath eminently. And this is called in Scripture, Rom. 25. The day, The great and terible day of the Lord, The day of wrath. But alas how few fear this because tis future? the heart of man fears not wrath to come though no wrath like it. Things pre­sent affect most. And the Apostle hath told us why, because such are blind, and cannot see afar off. 2 Per. 1.9. But now let such remember, the stoutest siners have been unhorst and pe­rished even in the very way. God puts not off all to the g [...]eat and last desires, he hath his petty fessions sometimes., some are tor­mented before their time. They fall in­to the hands of a loving [...]od when they little thought of it. Job. 21.17. How oft is the Can­dle of the wicked put out. Gen. 4.14. Who would have thought that that heart of Cain which feared nothing, should so suddenly be smitten with the fear of every thing! Dan. 5.6? Or that Belshazzar who just now could boldly bid defiance to the God of Israel; should upon the first sight of what he understood not, be [Page 13]surprized with such an hellish fit of quaking? Ch. 4.32? Or that great Nebuchadn [...]zzar now feeding his fancy with the splend our of his own works; and swelling himself into a conceited Deity, should in the same hour, yea while the word was in his mouth became as a Reast? v. 37. How easily can God abase such as walk in pride? should the Lord commission our own thoughts against us no need of any other ene­my to make us miserable, and this he hath of­ten done, as in the cases already mentioned. Stories both sacred and prophane afford us a large account of many more [...]ragicall over­throws of the enemies of holyness. And few ages pass without some drops of wrath [...]mmi­nently falling upon the heads of one siner or other which (were we but wise to consider them) would fully inform us that Gods deal­ings with his Saints and servants in desertion of comfort and permission of Satan to agonize them in this world. However it seem tedious and tiresome for a while, and they apt to speak, as once Job did, he teareth me in his wrath who [...]ateth me: he gnasheth upon me with his teeth. Yet weighing in an equall Ballance these deal­ings of God with his Children, with those earfull cruptions of wrath that seize upon the [...]ngodly, and it will soon appear, that the [Page 14]wayes of God to his people are not severity but lenity, not fury, but mercy, tender mercy and loving kindness.

Thus distress o [...] conscience is not so conco­mitant to profession of the Gospel (as the e­nemies thereof feign. Luke 15.7. but that sometimes it may be found among the jovial crew of unrighteous men needing no repen­tance, and whensoever it falleth upon such, it is much more lamentable then that which is let out upon poor, humble, bruised, obedient Sinners. Because when the Lord riseth up a­g [...]inst the Souls of those that hate and forget him, he comes.

1. With greater fury. Ps. 11.6. An hor­rible tempest is the portion of their cup. Is. 54.8▪ Now when he troubleth his Children for sin he hideth his face from them in wrath, but then it is but in a little wrath, Hab. 3 2. and his wrath makes him not at any time to for­get his love, he can remember that in the midst of it still.

2. With sewer advantages, there is less hope of such a ones recovery.

Distresses of whatsoever sort are like violent purges to the body, preparatives must be had, or else a body full of humors and unaccusto­med to such means is beset with dangers, who [Page 15]knows which way dreadful convictions of di­vine displeasure may drive the amaz'd and af­frighten'd Soul? 'tis possible to God, but very improbable to man that he who hath hardned his own heart against God and his fear, and been forging arguments, and studying offences, and picking quarrels against the ways and worship of God, should ever take to those as his proper remedy in times of temptation. Satan will do all he can to keep up a dislike in such a One against those things that make for true peace, or if peradventure Satan be cast out of the outward conversation; and the man seems to recover his peace by a partial reforma­tion, yet how truly hath our Lord set forth the doleful doom of such half begotten Christi­ans. Mat. 12.33, 34, 35. The latter end of such is worse (for sin and sorrow) then their begin­ning, wounds skinned over will become ulce­rous at last, the sting of the old Serpent (like that of the Ta [...]antula) dispatcheth this kind of sinners into hell laughing.

5. Moreover, the proper time of discove­ry is not yet come, judgement passing before the last act is ridiculous [...]olly.

Mark but the end of wicked men, patiently stay but a very little while; and tell me then what you think of all their pleasures. Follow [Page 16]them to death or at the furthest to judgement, then will the blackness of their countenance, and the loudness of their howling cryes con­firm the truth of that passage; now, little thought of. Eccles. 8.12.13. Though a sinner do evil an hundred times and his days be prolonged, yet surely I know that it shall be well with them that fear God, which fear before him But it shall not be well with the wicked. He that seriously layes to heart the sure and sore miseries that come stealing on upon the sinful, sensual, merry world, Ez. 32. And how even they who have ( Pharoah like been stout hearted oppressors, and reproachers of the distressed remnant of Jacob, though they have caused their terror in the land of the living, are nevertheless gone down to hell and how heavy their iniquities ly [...] upon their bones, I say, he that observes these things and layeth them to heart will find there was a reason for Balaam; wish. Num. 3.10. L [...] me dye the death of the righteous, and my la [...] end b [...] like to his. Heb. 11.24. And that Moses was [...] child when he refused to be called the Son [...] Pharoahs Daughter, chusing rather to fuss [...] affliction with the people of God, then to [...] joy the pleasures o [...] sin for a season: estee [...] ­ing the reproach of Christ greater riches th [...] the treasures of Egypt, to rush upon the po [...] [Page 17]of sufferings when a man may chuse, to ac­count pleasures to be no more then pressures, reproaches to be renown, and treasures to be but trash. Oh! what folly doth the world judge this to be? and yet such a fool was Moses, and so must he be, that would be wise, 'tis the highest wisdom to shun those short pleasures that breed long and eternal pains, an eternal weight of glory will make afflictions that are but for a moment seem but [...]ight and little when heaviest and greatest, 'tis this, the end, the du­ration of good and evil that wisdom conside­reth, before it bestows it's names on any thing. And oh! that men were wise in this, to employ their thoughts more upon the end of their way, and the wages of their work, then upon the way and work it self, then would not the pre­sent delights of sin make the life of a sinner to appear delightfu [...]; because such pleasures are but for a season, the pleasures are but false and fading, but the torments are true and e­ternal ones.

We are told concerning Witches that the Devil appeareth not to them in any terrible shape at the beginning of their contract but in the shape of a man and with many fair pro­mises of wealth, long life, and power to re­venge their wrongs, with many pleasures be­sides. [Page 18]That the hook being bid, it may go down the better, 2 Cor. 4.4. were but the seals of ignorance (by which the God of this world blinds the eyes of them that believe not) taken off, the life of sinners would quickly prove a weary life, and the Ministers of Christ who now are wearied with silence, would find work enough to answer the question, Acts 11.16.30. Sirs what shall we do to be saved.

There is but a thin seal over thine eye and that will not alway there abide. Death or the day of judgement will ferch it off. And when that drops, all thy comforts drops away from thee; sin will find thee out, then, be sure no place shall priviledge thee from its arrest. Is. 32.2. To be found in Christ will be the best hiding place and covert from the Wind and Tempest. Sions heights, and shews of holyness will stand in little stead, when, Is. 33.14. The sinners [in Zion] are afraid fearfullness hath sur­prized the hypocrite: who among us shall dwell with the devouring fire? who amongst us shall dwell with everlasting burnings? sincerity. reall Christianity will be the best Religion then: when shews and shadows shall flee away. Then they that fear God, walk in darkness, that are wounded in spirit, laden with the spi­rit of heavyness, whose faith of adoption ly­eth [Page 19]open to manyfold temptations, troden un­derfoot of Men, and not sp [...]red by the rod of God: these, these I say, then will have a mer­ry day: a day of redemption from sears, and deliverance from every particular of their complaint. Mark well, Mat. 4.2. But unto you that fear my name shall the Son of righ [...]eous­ness arise with healing in his wings, and ye shall go forth, and grow up as Calves of the stall. Ch. 3 17. And they shall be mine saith the Lord of hosts in that day when I make up my Jewels and I will spare them as a Man spareth his own Son that serveth him.

Let all the world then know, that if the un­checked pleasures of time be attended with e­ternall displeasures, there is but small reason why any man should become sins advocate because of that pleasure that attends it, concer­ning which that may as truly be said which St. Iames asserts concerning the life of all Men. What is it but a vapour, which soon appeareth and presently disapeareth, leaving its possessor [...]n an interminable irrecoverable gulf of dis­mall horror and confounding distraction?

This is the fifth branch of my answer to [...]hose that think the troubles of mind which [...]arnall professors are freed from, is an argu­ment strong enough to perswade men from in­termedling [Page 20]in the stricter and purer wayes of holyness: Eternity is before us. Mal. 3.18

Then shall ye return and discern between the righteous and the wicked, between him that fear­eth God and h [...]m that feareth him not.

6. Let me also add this; that as all Gods people are not so happy as to enjoy the heighth of assurance of the love of God without fits of intermission so neither are they also mi­serable as to be cast into the depths of terrors the belly of Hell, without hope of comming thence. Or, this is that I would say, depths of terrors among professors is altogether as rare as heights of assurance. 'Tis but a few that fall in­to such temptation as may render them the wonder of others. The rod of correction is as needfull among Children in a family, as bread its self: and of this all that belong to God are one way or other partakers: but to be whipt with Scorpions, to be chastned in wrath or rebuked in hot displeasure, is a thing rarely to be seen among the thousands of Israel.

7. Those whom God thus puts upon the wrack of unusuall [...]errors have none to thank but an evill nature in themselves and that evil [...] One that is in the world.

The razor that he shaves his people with i [...] an hired one: Is. 7.20. Acts of punishment ar [...] [Page 21]called strange acts. Is. 28.21. God hath none that he thinks fit to own. Sin and Satan, tis that he must blame if any thing; the one for procuring the other for promoting wrathfull dealings against the Soul. All this while God and his ways are free.

8. Though the just God should lengthen the chains of the devouring Lyon so far as that grace and peace seem to be lost for ever: yet the purposes of God to preserve his Elect shall stand fast for ever.

Such is the wisdom power and love of God to his own that though Satan hath an allow­ance to disturb them yet shall he never be a­ble to destroy them. All his labour shall be­come fruitless, and his thoughts but vain. The over-ruling power is still where it was. God (that I may alude to that of the Apostle) ne­ver sends forth any single-warrant against his people. If the Devil, Gods servant, be at any time employed upon a message to tempt, to trouble, to buffet: God hath ever some mes­senger or other at hand commissioned to sup­port, to comfort, to succour and save his en­dangered ones: 1 Cor. 10.13. this double warrant beareth an equal date, and holds an equal pace. This may very well pass for one of the wonders which are wrought in the deep.

In a word. God frustrates the councels of Satan, turns his furious attempts into tokens of favour, overshoots him in his own bow, makes that serve for a means of conversion, which was intended for nothing but subver­sion and perdition.

I hope the Reader will not account me im­pertinent in all that is here said. My design is (oh that I were able) to do all the mischief that may be to the Kingdom of darkness, I mean, the wiles of the Devil, whereby he en­deavours to represent the ways of open sin, or formal Religion, as the onely pleasant way and desirable to walk in, because not observed to trouble its Passengers with fears, doubts and distresses about spiritual and eternal things.

To all which give leave to sum up my an­swer briefly, which is this.

1. The ways of God are the only ways that give a true right to solid peace and comfort.

2. Sometimes the ways of God may not aford that joy which is desired, but then 'tis both needful and gainful to have it so.

3. 'Tis senceless to imagine any Mans per­son or way to be the better because not trou­bled in it.

4. And yet no age wherein God doth not visit some one or other of the stoutest of his [Page 23]enemies with confounding terrors.

5 But the best time to judge whether strict piety, or dissoluteness, and formality be the most undisturbed way will not be till time is at an end.

6. There are but very few of Gods peo­ple, that are under long and strong diserti­ons.

7. All that are so find cause enough to charge their present sufferings upon their for­mer sinful security, and the Devil-their enemy but to acquit God and his ways.

8. Whom God suffers Satan to rage vio­lently upon, he sends help unto, and turns all into good.

This last particular is clearly exemplified in Gods dealings with my self at the first.

It pleased the Lord who drew me out of my Mothers Womb to lay upon me a violent sick­ness, and that in the days of my ignorance and while under a meer natural and unregenerate state, as I said before, in which sickness (being a Feavor) God, who is rich in mercy, began first to fri [...]hten my secure Soul into serious ap­prehensions of its eternal concerns. I had under that distemper clearly, to my apprehension, heaven in its glory, hell in its misery and con­founding torments set before me, and (which [Page 24]was that, that filled me with anguish) I lay under strong apprehensions of Christs forsa­kings, and that my portion lay in that lake of fire, this made so deep an impression upon me, that to this day I still retain the memory of it; nor could any thing but wonderful grace in God have freed me from the terror of its re­membrance. To what a fearful stand such im­pressions must needs bring poor Souls possessed thereby cannot be expressed by me, nor under­stood by any one who is a stranger to such passa­ges within his own breast, only this I must de­clare, that such was the dread and horrour that then I lay under, so strong the delusion of the Devil at that time, that Satan made no small advantage thereof in the whole course of his temptations.

This way which God was pleased to use for my first awakening out of my natural estate, wherein I never dreamed of any danger at all; gives me occasion to speak a word to these three things.

• 1. The nature and usefulness of such means.
• 2. The desperate design that Satan the common Enemy hath in them.
• 3. The merciful over-ruling hand of God that appeareth therein for the frustration of [Page 25]Satans malitious design and the furtherance of his gratious purposes for his elect

As to the first of these, I would have none to understand me as if I took such occasions and accidents to be a necessary or proper instituti­on for revealing a mans condition to himself. Such things may not be called properly con­verting Ordinances, they have no sufficiency of [...]heir own to beget any saving apprehensi­on of the misery of sin, and excellency of Christ.

Nevertheless God can and doth many times make use of such ways as preparatory to the Ministry of Christ by the Gospel. Acts 9. As in the case of Paul, such providences may astonish, confound and fetter [...]he sinner, and by fear bring him into a willingness to entertain the message of the Gospel.

The preaching of Faith; is the setled, fixed, [...]nstituted means to convert and free the Soul from its fears.

God speaks not by visions and Revelations, Heb. 1.1. but by his Son. His Ordinances not [...]rovidences are the means of grace; yet so as [...]hat the one may make way for the other when [...]nd in whomsoever he will.

2. Touching the design that Satan hath in [...]hose tumultuous disquietments raised upon [Page 26]such occasion, I have learnt that among the rest these are some of the principal ones that he mainly in ends.

1. Present overthrow, utter shipwrack, and destruction of all hope, he would dash and split the soul against the rock of damning desperation.

2. And as a consequent thereof, help on the bodily distemper, dry up the humours of the body by the hurries of the Soul, and so if it be possible drag the Soul laden with fears and not yet relieved by faith before the seat of judgement where he that believeth not is sure to be condemned. Jon 3.18.

3. Or if this fails, by recovery out of sick­ness, then his design is, to make such wearied ones willing to cast off all thoughts of that which so much troubleth them in the remem­brance of, and glad to flee to the pleasures of sin to seek for a Remedy. He hopes by that heavy hand of temptation which lyeth upon them to draw the natural principle of self-love to a composition, and rather then remain a close prisoner in such bondage, to change it for a Vassallage to one of these common principles of Hell.

1. That there is no such thing as Heaven nor Hell, 'tis a meer fixion, and therefore but [Page 27]a meer folly to trouble our selves about them. Or else.

2. Tis better for a Man to take his share in the pleasures of the flesh, allowing God and our selves so much service and care as our Forefathers and others have done. And not concern himself so deeply in the affairs of e­ternity. If I am elected I cannot be damned; if reprobated not saved.

To these or some such prisons the Devil shifts souls wearied with terrors. And it mat­ters not him much in which they are, may he but be the keeper.

4. Or lastly if all these fail yet Satan hath a further design. If he find, that the Garri­son cannot be won by storm; that still there is a resistance made against all his attempts. He cannot drive the soul to utter despair of mercy, or to yeild its members servants to divers lusts and pleasures. Yet nevertheless he hopes that the breaches, the wide gashes, that he now makes, may be a way for en­trance in times to come. That a long life shall not be able to make them up again; he knows that upon every falling into sin he shall have a f [...]ll blow at the soul thus troubled; and that the greatness of the doubts now raised may prove a mighty impediment to the hearts [Page 28]closing with Christ by faith.

This last have I found most true in my own case. This first delusion ministred much strength to every following temptation.

3. Satan the great enemy intended no­thing but my final overthrow▪ not the least good, but the greatest evil, and yet shall I here make bold to tell the world how much I stand bound to fear the Lord for his goodness, in delivering me and disposing my fears for good. For.

1. As soon as it pleased God that my body recovered out of its distemper, I lay under much trouble by reason of the great fears be­fore men [...]o [...]ed and this made me seek out for some advice now for my wracked mind. And acquainting that blessed Man of God Dr. [...] with my trouble he gave me to under­stand that i [...] was a meer delusion of Satan.

2. I found i [...] my self serious thoughts of my eternal state, of Heaven and Hell, at­tended with endeavours to seek the one, and avoid the other.

3. And I sound not only the Lord com­ming i [...] by his b [...]essed spirit with conviction of sin: but also re [...]sing in my soul an high estimation of his love and favour.

4. I found my self stirred up to pray. God [Page 29]enabling me by his blessed spirit therein, so that now it might be said, as once of Paul, behold he prayeth. I could then have spo­ken to God as one speaketh to his friend.

5. Open profession of the truth of the Gospel followed hereon. Gladly bearing the reproachful name of Puritan, which was the name in fashion in those dayes to revile pro­fessors withall.

6. Prayer in my Family was set up also by me when young and unmarried.

7. Former sins did not only dislike me but also former pleasures and pastimes. As Bow­ling, and Cocking, &c. And.

8. Association with the godly was my de­light, the Men that feared God were the Men of my choice but especially with much con­tent did I embrace acquaintance with, and was much helped by one Mr. The. Hibben of Rowton above others, a Gentleman eminently worthy for profession of the Gospel.

9. Frequent was my attendance upon the word preached. Often went I to Brompton Brrian to hear that holy Man of God Mr. Peir­son. So that by this time methoughts I could discern a work of God wrought in me where­by I found the new Man as well as the old.

10. Going to Brompton I not only foun [...] [Page 30]much help for my Soul by the Ministry of the word but it pleased God also to bring me into acquaintance with a noble Family eminent in those dayes for Religion Sr. Ro­bert Harleigh. Out of which he gave me a meet helper, both for body and Soul.

Here was the first conflict wherein Satans malice was over matched by the super-abun­dant grace of God.

CHAP. II. Victory in and over temptation matter of admi­ration Satan disappointed in particular temptati­ons. Doth not cease them, but suspend them. Se­curity the unbeseeming consequent of spiritual de­liverance. The Mother of more and greater mi­series. Satans Art may vary, but his Aime that same the writers experience herein.

WHo can but admire the Wisdom, Might, and Mercy of God clearly manifesting it self in holding up poor weak and worthless Man under any one of all those heavy conflicts he hath with the powers of darkness? Oh: what policy? what power? what poison? is every stratagem of the Devil managed with▪ all? how doth that evil one set his All at work [Page 31]that poor Man might be caught, kept, and confounded by him at once. And that temp­tation might not rise up a second time.

But such is the heart of God towards Man in misery that he stands not by as an idle spectator of our sufferings; but teacheth our hands to war and our singers to fight. He makes us to understand what we could hardly believe. 2 Pet. 2.9. That he knows how to deliver out off temptation. That there is no desperate case with him. That our unbe­lief cannot render the faith of God of none effect. 2 Tim. 2.13. That though we believe not yet he abideth faithful and cannot deny himself, such may be the anguish of spirit and cruel Bondage under disertion that (as the Children of Israel could not hearken to the words of promise spoken to them by Moses. Exod. 6.9. Though no condition more nee­ding it, so) faith of Adoption may be much decayed, the Breasts of promise may not let down their wonted consolations. The Soul seemeth to be in a languishing condition by reason of its dissability to imbrace the pro­mises. 'Tis brought to its wits end, come to the utmost of faith and patience. And yet for all this, our God abideth faithful he can­not deny himself, he is the only wise God.

And a Saviour of such as are gone to the ut­most end of faith, ready to drop away into total unbelief. He that can but place Affiance in God the Saviour; though God hath not planted Assurance of Salvation in him; may yet abide confident of deliverance. Dwell in, stay thy self upon God, by this faith: and thou shalt find the want of Assurance may damnifie but cannot damne thee. Mark well that passage of the Psalmist, Ps. 91.1. He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most high shall ledge under the shadow of the Almighty. Give him the honour of his being The most high. And Almightiness shall be thy defence.

Trust in his mercy and thou shalt not need to tremble at his power. But remember (saith blessed Mr. Bradford) it must be such a trust as may be called a Dwelling. Here you must stay, here you must abide, not suffer­ing your Souls to be outed by violence of temptation, nor voluntary giving up the possesion.

[...] is a wonder (I say again) that when the wind of temptation blows high and strong: Psal. 62.9. Poor Man, lighter then a feather, lighter then vanity, should be any note found. Or that grace should ever be able to shew its head when fiery scorching heats of temptation [Page 33]smite the heart. Yet so it is. The secret of the most high is a place above all destructive storms; the shadow of the Almighty is no Jonahs Gourd, but a thick, a safe shelter from the scorching beams of temptation, the fiery darts of the Devil. Wait on the Lord, oh: my Soul! hope in his mercy! here stay, here wait, here dwell in waiting! let no force nor fraud of Hell perswade thee to depart hence, and thou art safe for ever.

I have shewed already how Satan missed of his design which he had upon me in his first delusion. He would have had me (being great­ly afrighted at the thoughts of Hell) to give up my hopes of Heaven, and as a means to ef­fect that did (to my apprehension) present to my view the Lord Christ departing from me. This he did whiles I was under bodily weakness, from which God mercifully set me free. But as I said before, and find since, by long and lamentable experience, his ma­licious purpose in that delusion did not end when the terror of it was abated. His prac­tice upon me so filled my thoughts for many years after that it wonderfully hindred me from receiving my Lord Christ in that faith­fulness as I should have done. He departed from me so as that the violence of his temp­tations [Page 34]were nothing so great as in the time when he first was let loose upon me: but so much of them still stuck and staid be­hind, as did make me drive on but heavily in the wayes of God, filling me with many sla­vish fears and doubts, and thereby making my closure with Jesus Christ upon the offer of the Gospel the more difficult; and his own en­trance at another season more possible and easy. The Lord indeed gave me a gratious deliverance, but Satans war with poor souls is not ended after the first battle. His hopes are that that fort which is not won at first onset may be conquered at last. He was not out of hope of finding a fitter season to renew his temptations against Christ, the head, though he found he had enough of him in the first Combate. Luke. 4.13. The text saith when the Devil had ended all the temptations he departed from him: for a season.

How little doth the thoughts of this affect our hearts? we are apt to fall asleep as soon as the fit of trouble is over; as if our enemy were afraid to shew himself any more, or as if his second attempts would be no worse then the first, or we our selves in a better posture for resistance. Whereas there is nothing more true then the contrary, nor any thing [Page 35]more unbeseeming a Christian then to for­get his past dangers or remit his dillige [...]ne and slacken his hand in services of his God and his pretious soul. To grow careless neg­ligent and secure after such deliverances, or indeed at any time, Is

1. Sinful. 1 Thes. 5.6. Let others sleep as they will, Jesus Christ will not have his people do so. Math. 26.41. To watch is a duty then which none more frequently enjoyned. A duty that carryeth much mercy in the bow­els of it. A watchful frame will beget and maintain a praying frame wherever it is. And both together will be a good means, if not to keep off, yet (at least) to keep up the soul under, the heavy load of temptation our bles­sed Lord who himself hath suffered being tempted, and is able to succour us who are tempted: Heb. 3.18. Hath yet thought it fit to employ poor souls this way during their lucid intervals and quiet hours. Encouraging us thereunto by this. It may be a preserva­tive from entring into temptations. Watch and pray and pray, least ye enter into &c. Math. 26.41.

2. A careless behaviour after deliverance is not only sinful, but foolish. The folly of it appeareth in these considerations.

1. The Devil himself is not at quiet, he is rallying up his forces after every Conquest, he is renewing his war again with greater fu­ry. What he doth in this matter he know­eth he shall gain nothing by but the fulfilling of his malicious and revengeful pleasure in the downfall of our immortal souls. And shall he be thus active in a matter of so small advantage to himself, and we remain stupid when the gain is an immortal matchless gain, and that our own gain too? oh how unbeseeming! how foolish a thing is this? we may well collect how Satan takes his ejectments out of the souls and bodies of Men by the account that the Disciples brought back to their great Master touching the success of their ministry. Luke. 10.17. Lord say they even the Devils are subject to us through thy name. This was the return they made and the text saith 'twas with joy. Christ allows it to be matter of rejoycing because hardly effected. v. 18. And he said unto them I beheld Satan as ligh­tening fall from Heaven. To be permitted to rule in man is the Devils Heaven. To be cast out thence is a torment next to Hell. It is not more contrary to the nature of flame to move downward, then to that evil spirit to be removed out of his place in man: [Page 37]meer force, mighty force must fetch him thence. his fall is as the fall of lightening.

2. It animates and armes our enemy for a sooner and sorer onset.

Satan needeth not stay long to find advan­tages against a sleepy soul. The bed of sloath­ful security will aford room enough for him, but none for Jesus Christ.

And the onset is like to be more sore as well as more soon. Old sores not healed, every touch goes to the heart. Cant. 3.1, 24. Ch. 5.2 &c. The spouse had more a do to get [...]id of her second disertion then of the first, although victorious in both. Security and unwary walking in a time of peace when there is liberty and leisure to fortify our selves, is but a sorry posture for such especi­ally, whose enemies are upon the march. Of all enemies none carry greater dread or greater danger then those that come on the sudden. Gen. 49.17. As Dan (that Serpent in the way and Adder in the path) dealt with the men of Laish who dwelt careless, quiet, and secure. Judg. 18.7.10.27. So the Devil that old Serpent, the fiery red Dragon, abours to do with souls negligent to secure [...]heir spiritual peace.

In a word an heart so stupid after deliver­ance [Page 38]as not to be deeply and durably affected with its past danger, and future duty (of love to Jesus Christ, and pressing after a more distinct and full assured understanding of him) But contrarily walking unevenly or carelesly; must needs be a sinful and foolish thing. For such a frame of heart as this is inviteth a departing Devil to return. When holy dilligence and watchfulness will enforce an approaching Devil to depart. He rally­eth up his forces while we slight the pursuit: whereas in the hottest onset resist him and he will fly from you.

This was my own folly after my first deliver­ance. Sins and miscarriages against my good God cost me dearly. For after many years patience of God it pleased him to withdraw his presence from me and cast me in a more horrible pit of soul distress then I had known.

This second violent impulse of the Devil (though many years past between it and the first, and the way he used in them both were somewhat unlike) I now find to be no other then a more subtile artifice of his, aiming at the same thing. Which now to the best of my abillity I shall plainly declare.

It pleased the Lord to suffer the enemy Sa­tan [Page 39]to break in upon my soul in so fear­ful a manner that he forced me to blaspheme my God though unwillingly. And (taking the advantage of my weakness) laid another delusion upon my fantasie, perswading me that I had betrayed my Lord Christ, and so caused my own tongue to exclaim against my self, that my sins were so great that I thought Judas's sins were nothing to mine, and that I had overthrown the world

In this delusion (the Lord suffering him, mine enemy, to have a strong power over me) he presented to me as though I had com­mitted some bloudy murther (which after­wards he endeavoured to have had me acted) tending to revive and with greater fury to set on the first temptation; that Christ had for­saken me.

In all this he managed his design upon me so, that I apprehended the suggestion not to be of Satan, but of God, insomuch that being asked who told me these things which I utter­ed with so much dread against my self, mine answer was, that it was God.

By all this Satan took advantage to confirm his first delusion, which indeed was no other then a forelaying the way for the better effect­ing of his accursed purpose and practice a­against [Page 40]me. For in the first he acted as if it had been Christ: and now, the Lord permit­ting it for good ends, which at last he accom­plished, suffered him to tempt me, and by that temptation to prevail so farr that my tongue spake something against my Lord Je­sus and this sin he made use of to perswade me that now I was indeed forsaken of God.

I cannot say but that Satan might have been discovered to have been no other then Satan; that this impulse was his, not Gods; if men under such desertions had not their judge­ments much darkened; for herein he acted like himself with violence and at unawares it was a surprize on a suddain.

Nor can I say but that I had at that very time hopeful signs of the grace of God within me, could I but have seen it. For it was not a sin committed with full consent of my will, or without horror. 'Twas my unregenerate part that was prevailed over onely. And so grievous was it to me that in my confession of sins to the Lord afterwards, I acknowledged that he might justly make me an amazement to Angels and men; and such thoughts car­ried about me many years.

Nevertheless the hour of temptation being an hour of darkness, and the Lord permiting [Page 41]the enemy thus to prevail, and not only so, but also to assault me with blasphemous thoughts, this helped forward my doubtings and raised fearful thoughts in me that the first apprehensions I had of being forsaken of Je­sus Christ, were not the delusions of the Devil but the certain perswasions of God, because I thought now I had committed a sin most an­swerable to it.

After certain days being under this sad con­dition, it pleased the Lord to stir up the hearts of divers of his people to keep a day of fasting and prayer at the place where I lay, among whom was that blessed man of God Mr. Pier­son, who prevailed with the Lord for my deli­verance out of the violent extremity of this temptation.

But alas: the sting of that fiery Serpent, the Devil, in this delusion had so far entred, that much pain and anguish remained still. I could not get rid of many fearful thoughts a­rising from the remembrance of the sin com­mitted, and also from the credit I too much gave to that suggestion [that upon the disco­very and bringing to light of this notorious sin [...] should be a shame to all my Friends and to Religion, and be brought also to some shame [...]l end] which my deadly Adversary (as [...] [Page 42]shall shew in its place) by another stratagem would indeed have brought me unto.

My fears thus abiding and doubts growing on still as though Christ bad sorsaken me: and Satan with all his might labouring to carry on his design to spoil me of the comforts which the Lord had formerly given me: as I had oppertunity I would still be speaking to god­ly Ministers and enquiring, whether the di­sertion I lay under were not a final forsaking, and labouring to resolve my doubts whether I had not finned that unpardonable sin against the holy Ghost? all this while ashamed to dis­close the sin I had, as before, committed, it being so strange a fin, and so damnified my self by not discovering of it.

And from those to whom I made known my condition I received some comfort, thence­forth I followed the preaching of the Word, constantly, entertained the Ministers and peo­ple of God at my house, kept many days of humilliation and prayer for the pardon of my sins, and through the course of about twenty years the Lord bare me up in his armes that I f [...]ll not into any great dep [...]h of continued [...]rrors.

CHAP. III. He holds on his profession. Walking remisly und der long peace, is awakened by aflictions, more dangerously wounded with temptations, but mer­cifully rescued.

NOw being so gratiously delivered out of the paw of the Lyon and Bear, from a first and second combate with monstrous delu­sions: 'twas high time to begin to put on for assurance of the pardon of sin. To arise and ak [...] the staff of faith and hope in hand and march a­long after the Ark of the Covenant through this weary land, this wilderness of temptation, in which I had been led so far already. But many inward doubts and fears I had within me still; faith though it held me up in the way of profession, yet was it not so strong as with others, it administred not an abundant entrance into the Kingdom of our Lord and Saviour. I could approve the things that are excellent: but wanted greatly those con­solations of God, arising from the Faith of Adoption, which are the strength of passen­gers through the vale of Baca.

Notwithstanding my assurances of pardon [Page 44]were thus wanting, and I subject to re-en­slavement thereby, I held it my duty and safe­ty to become partner with the people of God in all the divine ordinances and providences that should be imposed upon them, the sence of which duty made me tye my endeavours with theirs to draw the Ark of the God of Israel to its own place. 1 Sam. 6.12. And although (like the Kine) went on lowing all the way yet (to the best of my understanding) I kept the strait wayes of the Lord and did not wickedly depart from my God.

After the intestive broils of those times were somewhat abated, and leisure with li­berty lay common for any man to be as good as he would. Though I thankfully em­braced the freedom of the Gospel as a singu­lar favour from Heaven, yet I must confess (as matter of much sorrow) that neither the many afflictions nor mercyes under which I was exercised, were so well improved as they should. But contrarily I forgot to return to. God according to his benefits.

Not long after this I found my sins growing to so great a bulk that I could not look up.

My former sin began to grow fresh in my remembrance, and the Lord to withdraw the light of his countenance which I had now for [Page 45]a good season, and in a good measure enjoy­ed, my communion with him began much to abate, and his rod of affliction, such as I had not known before, began to smart upon my back.

In my former trials (then which I thought once none could be greater) I was not brought so near the brink of utter ruins as I was in this and what followed.

First the Lord began to lay on a load of sore and gauling afflictions upon my loines mainly. By bringing a day of silence upon his Ministers from whose lips I had often received sufficient drops of that water of life to quench the thirst of my heart panting after God. And blocking up the solemn assemblies of his Saints, permitting things so contrary to my judgement to be introduced and added to his worship. These together with some other hea­vy afflictions at home from some of mine own relations did so concur with my former tryals, that I now concluded more then at any time before God had withdrawn himself from me.

Hereupon he was pleased to suffer that cruel enemy Satan, that old Serpent to break in upon my soul with such dread and terror that he made my body to quake upon my bed, so that I was fain to have one to lye [Page 46]upon me to keep me from shaking, thinking then he had an opportunity to accompl [...]sh his hellish tragedy (my self being so abused by his former delusions and still entertaining thoughts that God had forsaken me) that cursed enemy to the most glorious and ever blessed God would have tempted me (as once Jobes Wife d [...]d her husband) to curse God, and this he pressed with much violence: but through the mercy of God was not able to accomplish his wicked design though he seem­ed to me to affirm (with as strong affirmati­ons and as bloudy oaths as ever were heard from any swearing wretch) that I was dam­ned; territ [...]ing me in the night with fearful dreams and visions of a spiritual nature which were most dreadful to my apprehension [...] and not being be through the goodness of God) to make my tongue his cursed instru­ment departed for a season as though he would have rented the Heavens and the Earth.

But reviving again his temptations, she whom God had given me for a meet helper, fighting against him by earnest prayer to Al­mighty God, and likewise many Christian friends that came to see me, he now began to desist and fail in that way, and therefore be­gan [Page 47]to try another, viz. In relation to the former delution as though I should do some murtherous act. And now shewing himself to be according as our God hath said of him a murtherer from the beginning he with strong temptations endeavoured to make me imbrue my hands in the bloud of my dearest friend, who had been so helpful to me against his for­mer temptations, which was most grievous to my poor soul, and fearing least his violent temptation might have overcome me, I (be­ing so much in his hands) desired her that she would withdraw her self, telling her the temptation. But she (something amazed thereat) undauntedly lifted up her soul to the Lord by holy ejaculations, and resolved she would not give that enemy one inch of ground. But casting us both upon the protection of the Almighty with a lively faith in the Lord Jesus vanquished the enemy at that time.

Yet this temptation continnued about two months, in all which time my poor soul be­ing most dreadfully afflicted, I did again ear­nestly desire my Wife to get some company in the house by night, but having little help or comfort from others, she the more unces­santly acted faith and prayer until our grati­ous God had given us deliverance.

CHAP. IV. His strugling under and against temptations. The means most used and blessed for his support. Cast again the fourth and last time into the furnace of fiery hot instigations to blaspheme the means used and owned for coming thence. An happy issue.

ANd having now passed some five or six years since the last grievous visitation all this time labouring for the pardon of sin in the use of means appointed of God to get out of that sad condition, wherein I was still haunted with blasphemous and horrible in­jections and cursed instigations to curse and swear which that wicked enemy could not af­ter his utmost endeavours bring any further then my tongues end. Now, I say, labouring under these temptations and making my con­dition known to my Godly acquaintance they affirming; that these were not my own but Satans suggestions, some comfort I had from them labouring in the word of the Lord and prayer. This was one good stay.

Making use also of those blessed streams flowing from the word of God, I mean the works of those blessed servants of Christ who [Page 49]have laboured much in writing upon such subjects. As namely Dr. Preston upon the at­tributes (which I read above twelve times o­ver) Dr. Thomas Goodwins Child of light walk­ing in darkness. Mr. Bridges's lifting up of cast down. Mr. Simonds his deserted soul. And that pretious piece of that worthy Mr. Burroughs. Saints walking by faith without sight and sence. And Mr. Bax [...]ers thirty two di­rections, traversing these books over, through the Lords blessing. Were a great comfort and support in bearing up my soul against the enemies cruel attempts, and wearisome af­flictions under which I strugled, having no assurance of the pardon of my sins, and ly­ing still under the guilt of that great trans­gression so long past committed, and under many more since.

Moreover though I could not pray with a free spirit, yet, under all this heavy load, I still followed the Lord by earnest prayer that he would come and take away both guilt and filth of sin, and destroy that cursed nature from which Satan took his advantage against me, and help me (though he tarry yet) still to wait for him, in the way of his judgements.

And now publick assemblies (which were wont to be a great solace to me in my distress) [Page 50]being not to be enjoyed in that purity I ex­pected, and the practise of the publique mini­sters being so contrary to my judgement and conscience, I neither could nor would upon any terms become a hearer of them; and thereupon did rather choose to expose my self to the scorn and displeasure of men, in keeping meetings every Lords day in my Family. Spending that day in prayer and praises, and as occasion was offered, dayes of humiliation.

These duties having most of them been my practise for many years, wherein I served the Lord withall my might, though sometimes un­der much dejection, about the beginning of A­pril, my good God (through the purchase made by the bloud of his Son, that blessed seed of the Woman, through whom he had covenant­ed with out first Parents immediately after the fall to give eternal life) having (by earnest prayer and intercession I humbly claiming this from the Lord that he would account and make me righteous, through that purchase and redemption made by Christ) now resol­ved to take up and put an end to the quarrel which he had against me for all my sins (yet to let me know my deserving and to manifest a further work upon me) did suffer the enemy [Page 51]to break in again upon me in most dreadful manner. Charging upon me that one sin as formerly named above others with such vio­lence and power. That I believe I was in as great despair for the time as ever man was. My soul, by that malicious enemy to man­kind, being stuffed with all abominations of hellish thoughts, injections, cursed instigati­ons, with other base and abominable vile im­maginations, he at last infused into me as much malice against my blessed God as possi­bly he could. I thought now I was utterly forsaken, living in expectation of nothing but the lower most hell, and brought now again al­most to blaspheme.

When I saw that I was in this most dread­ful case, fearing I should I have wilfully blas­phemed I could have been well content that God should have damned me, and thrown m [...] into hell, fear of being over tempted and thereby to blaspheme God made me weary of life. When my Wife would put me on to pray for a blessing upon my meat I did it feignedly being willing to be starved if I could.

And now in this dreadful condition (so dreadful that I believe few Sons of Adam were ever in a worse, that did not do the things [Page 52]that I feared, i. e. blaspheme God and de­stroy himself) I say being in such a conditi­on, and the sin so often spoken of, lying still heavy upon me, and shame withholding me from revealing it for many years, it pleased God to over-rule my spirit that I sent for a worthy Minister of Jesus Christ who coming to me the day before my deliverance I ac­quainted him with that sin which did so lye upon my Conscience, and never was revealed before. Well remembring how holy David Ps. 32.3.5. (who while he kept silence his waxed old through his roaring all the day long) did but say he would confess his sin and the Lord forgave his iniquity. So the Lord the very next day came and set my soul at rest.

The comfort and help that I found from my natural relations and friends this woful condition was none at all, but instead of pit­ty I met with reproach from many, only my dear yoke fellow was my fellow sufferer, of whom I can say the Lord gave her to me for such a day as this to be his blessed instrument of my deliverance, for when I was even di­stracted she laid the glory of the Lord deep­ly to her heart, and did daily bring the word of God to my soul, reading with great dilli­gence [Page 53]the holy Scriptures. Which being done then powring forth her soul to the Lord with ardent affections and with a mighty faith in our gratious God who had manifested his great love to her in former troubles, the experience of which encouraged her to go on still in earnest and frequent prayer and expec­tation that the Lord would accomplish the work of deliverance.

And upon the sixteenth day of April, 1669. (a day for ever to be solemnized as glorious and honourable to the Lord by me his poor creature) she, going on in her constant course of prayer, after she had given the Lord his holy and reverend titles, using Moses his arguments brake forth into these words.

My Father! my Father! what wilt thou do with mine husband? he hath been speaking and acting still in thy cause, oh! destroy him not for thine own glory. Oh! what dishonor will come to thy great name if thou do it. Oh! rather do with me what thou wilt! oh! do with me what thou wilt, but spare my Husband, &c.

Thus laying hold of that word of God in the Prophet. With a lively faith (concerning your Sons and your Daughters, command you me and striving mightily in [Page 54]prayer the duty being e [...]ded, the Lord im­mediately appeared: and then that Lyon of the tribe of Judah, that blessed seed of the Woman, that second Adam, that promised Mes­siah, the Son of the living God who had for­merly broke the Serpents head, he who in a single duel had disarmed the Devil in the Wilderness, t [...]od the Wine press of his Fa­thers wrath alone, this Jesus the Saviour who knew how to succour tempred souls) made hare his holy arm and his own right hand brought d [...]liverance, he delivered me from my strong enemy and saved m [...] from him that hated me.

He that is pleased to stile himself a God, hearing prayer, and in most of his great works delights to advance his own power by using small and unlikely means, after long tar­rying and in▪ a time when I looked not for him, came now and owned his own ordinance, crowned the cryes and faith and patience of a poor Woman with such success, that my praise shall be continually of him. The proud m [...]y scorn, but the humble shall hear ther of and be glad:

That roaring Lyon, mine adversary the Devil: that old Serpent; that red-Dragon; that unclean Spirit that Lyar, Accuser, Mur­therer [Page 55]from the beginning: that Apollion to the Geeck [...], Abbaddon to the Jews, and de­stroyer to all (for as are the names given him by the word of truth, so is his nature, and so hath he laboured mightily for a long season to shew himself in me) even now (when he thought himself almost seated in the p [...]ss [...]ssion of his long sought Dominion, and that there was no casting of him out of my soul, which [...]e abused, making it his dunghil whereon he laid all the filth of hellish thoughts and abomi­nations that he could, wanting nothing but my will (that Fort-royal) to have put me under an eternal vassalage to his long laid de­sig [...]s now, I say, was that accursed enemy to God, and me, his poor creature, sent to his own place, by my dear Lord Christ that holy Son of the blessed God, who took upon him my nature, that he might become my Lord and King; Saviour and Redeemer; who brake the doors of Brass, rescued me from the Rape of Hellish furies, cast them out, delivered my darling soul from the power of the Dog, and barred the Gate, that he could enter no more to stuff my thoughts with his detestable injections, although he attempted a return.

Thou hast thrust fore at me (oh mine ene­my [Page 56]that I might fall but the Lord helped me many a time (may I now say) have these things afflicted me from my youth, many a time have they afflicted me from my youth, yet they have not prevailed against me. The Plowers plowed upon my back they made long their furrows, but the righteous Lord he hath cut asunder the cords of the weeked one, I was brought low and the Lord helped me. He hath delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.

Oh Lord my God I will give thanks to thee for ever.

CHAP. V. Concluding the whole experiment with an ac­count of the unconceivable sweetness of divine con­solations (the usual consequent of long and sort temptations) a more then abundant reason to abide Gods leisure under the heavy load of d [...]sertions. Of the cause of writing.

ANd now at last when the Lord, my Lord▪ of whom the Father said sit thou at my right hand until I make thy enemies thy foot-stool [...] had set my soul at freedom by his mighty power, he sent his blessed spirit, the holy [Page 57]Ghost, that most glorious self evidencing and sweet comforter, whose sweetness no heart can conceive but he who hath tasted how good he is, who shewed me from the Father and his blessed Son, that all the miseries a­fore mentioned, pressing me down were the delusions of Satan: and whereas he intended to have made me a shame and reproach to all that should know or hear of my over­throw, that now my God hath taken advan­tage of the greatness of my sins thereby to magnifie his mercy in pardoning thereof, ac­cording to my cry in the day of my distress; and that now I was of Abrahams Family, numbred among the spiritual Children of Abraham; a priviledge which I often, espe­cially under my troubles, prized highly and desired earnestly to be partaker off.

The blessed spirit bearing witness of these things, wrought in my soul such unconceive­able joy, that in the words of Thomas I cryed out my Lord and my God, so ravishing were the (kisses of those divine lips of love that my heart was silled with joy unspeakable and glorious, my mouth with laughter, my body (much weakened by the anguish and horror of my soul so that I kept my Chamber for ma­ny dayes together) was now revived, and [Page 58]my youth renewed as the Eagle that casteth her Beak, so that I became as lightsome as if I had not known sorrow, to the great admi­ration of my Friends who had known my long confinement to my Chamber by reason of sorrow and heavyness. My heart, my sorrowful heart, of which I was wont to cry out. None so fad, none so disquieted as thou; was now (through the joy of the Lord) quite altered. The spirit of my God now covering me with the glorious robes of his Sons righteousness turned my mourn­ing into dancing, put off my Sackcloath and girded me with gladness, gave me a garment of praise, for the spirit of heavyness, so that then (and since being upheld by the same hand) I could say I carry about me a chear­ful heart, and a much more healthy body, notwithstanding the great disappointments I (in my worldly condition) then met with, and still lye under.

Being now enabled by faith to apprehend my self justified through the righteousness of God, even the righteousness of Jesus Christ, imputeth to poor sinners; the guilt, the ob­ligation of my sins to punishment, being ta­ken away; I can now (through the tender mercy of God whereby the day spring from [Page 59]on high hath visited me) comfortably give a challenge to Death and the Grave. Oh Death where is thy sting: oh Grave where is thy victory? my dear Lord having ransomed me from the power and fear of the grave, and helping me in despight of him that hath the power of death, that is the Devil to look upon my self as one of those whom God the Father hath given to the Son as part of the travaile of his soul, so that the Lord Christ delights in me as the gift of his Father and the pur­chase of his own bloud. And my God loveth me with the same love wherewith he loveth his Son and all the promises of grace made to sinners in the holy word, through Jesus Christ, I have an interest in, and expect to have fulfilled to me as far as it shall tend to his glory and my good. He that gave me his Son will freely also give me all good things.

Well may I therefore take up the words of the Prophet. Oh Lord I will praise thee for though thou wast angry with me thine anger is turned away and thou comfortedst me. For the iniquity of my soul thou wast wroth with me and smot [...]st me but now thou hast healed me, and re­stored comforts to me, the Lord Jehovah is my strength and song he also is become my sal [...]ation. I waited patiently for the Lord, and he enc [...]ned [Page 60]his ear to me and heard my cry, he drew my feet out of an horrible pit out of the miry clay and hath set me upon a Rock and established my goings. What shall I render unto the Lord for all his bene­fits. I will call upon him as long as I live. I will pay my vows unto the Lord now in the presence of all his people.

When the Lord Jesus is pleased to go away (to withdraw the comfortable warm beams of his love and presence) from the sight and sence of his poor people. Joh. 16.6 (like the Apostles) their hearts are filled with heavy­ness, they think every day a week, and every week a month, and every month a year, the time seemeth tedious till he return, till he lifteth up the light of his countenance, till he restores comforts to them (like the mother of Sisera) they are putting forth their heads cry­ing why are his Chariot wheels so long in coming? But oh that such would remember (what I now find) that it is expedient for them that he should sometimes go away from them withholding his consolations; for the holy Ghost the Comforter shall one time or other come to such as wait for it with such joy and peace that passeth all understanding of eye, ear, and heart of man. And then long time spent in waiting shall seem but a little [Page 61]moment, Is. 40 2. and they shall receive double pay for all the punishments of their iniquities.

The Children of this world (in this) are wiser in their generation then the Children of light, no discouragement of wind or rain can make them forbear their seasons of sow­ing in hope, nor can the interposition of many perillous months delay, work a dissolution of the hope that is conceived. Jam. 5.7. And yet the ground they go upon affords no such footing for hope and trust, as doth that of a Christian; Mic. 1.6. how of have they sown much and brought in little? whereas a Christi­an (under all the improbabillities of out­ward sensible appearance) hath sufficient cause to be confident of a plentiful harvest. Under the furrows of dark providences lie the seed of faithful patient endeavours which shall spring up into light and joy. Psal. 126.5. And doubtless they that sow in a w [...]t weep­ing season shall meet with a welcome harvest. The smallest seeds of faith and patience, shall stretch into certain Sheaves of joy. When the earth over-wet with showers is be­come a standing pool who would adventure to bestow his seed. Pains and patience had a [...] such a time the Plowman calls imprudence. [Page 62]Be it what it will, sure I am he never lyed, who hath pronounced Is. 32.20. Blessed are ye that sow [the seeds of pious endeavours] beside all waters [of deep and drowning af­flictions] that send forth thither the feet of the Ox and the Ass.

Venture then to hold on your way, keep hope and trust a going in the paths of duty. Deep mire shall one day prove a fruitful soil to thee, and the joy of the harvest, which is a shouting joy, shall so fill thy soul that many years of wearisome waiting shall seem no longer then the shortest night.

This calling to mind those engagements which I had made unto the Lord in my low estate. viz. that if the Lord would deliver me. I would declare it to the Sons of men, and and whereas the wicked enemy had suggested to me that I should be a shame to my friends and a reproach to religion, if the Lord would redeem my soul out of his hands then would I declare abroad the glorious and renowned works and wonders of the lifter up of my head, and what a great impostor, deceiver; destroying and lying Spirit the Devil this ene­my to mankind is. Hereupon (having had help from God) I have adventured these few pages into the world, may the Lord in­herit [Page 63]the praises of his people hereby, I [...]rall not value the reproaches of his enemies. May poor dropping souls understanding how Satan hath dealt, come to the sight of the net which he hath laid for them, and be perswaded to an holy constancy in resistance I shall be much rejoyced in the success.

Let the Lord do with me and it, as seemeth good in his sight I have enough. My true Joseph is yet alive, I hope shortly I shall goe up to see him, here I shall leave this Pillar of remembrance in the land of the living, it is mine.