HEre's a clutter with Observators three or four times a week! And an everlasting Din about Whiggs and Trimmers, and the Devil and all of Bus'ness! Prethee, Nobbs, let thee and I set up an Observator; 'Tis a pretty Trade, and next to that of an Informer, one of the most Thriving in these dull times. There's an Old Fellow in Holborn gets (they say) Forty Shillings a Paper certain Pen­sion, besides By Jobbs of two or three Hundred Guineys at a lump: And yet frets, and foams, and raves, because he's no better Rewarded.

When all the swarming Intelligencers were [Page 2]silenc'd, and Thompson muzzl'd, and Care run a­way, and Curtis and Janeway (Poor Snails!) had pull'd in their Horns, and were crept into their Original Shells, I was in hopes the Nation should no more have been pester'd with this Make-bate-Trumpery; But since the Incorigible Squire scribbles on as eagerly as ever, I see no reason why we may not put in for a Snack; For a Pamphlet's a Pamph­let, whether it be writ by Roger the Fidler, or Ralph the Corn-Cutter.

But I bar all discourse of Religion or Go­vernment, and Reflections on particular Persons.

Prethee hast thou got a new Invention to make Butter without Cream? Or the Apotheca­ries Trick, to give us Oxycrocium, and not a dram of Saffron in't? Alas man! 'tis the very Essence of an Observator to be full of Mysteries of State, and its Priviledge to fall foul on any Body. How many hundreds have been Libell'd that way? Nay, Per­sons of highest Honour and Office have scarce escap'd him of late. Suppose I have a mind to a good warm Place of Credit and Profit, (and for such Dain­ties Old Men may Long, as well as Young Women) what have I to do, but Print an Observator, up­braid the Government with my Services and Disap­pointments, acquaint the World what Preferments I would be at, and put my Superiours roundly in mind on't; As much as to say, Sirs! You are un­grateful, and neither understand your own Interest, nor my Merits. Then suppose I receive a Rub from some Persons of Quality that don't think me worthy; Straight I at 'em with another Observa­tor, [Page 3]and Expose 'em as Trimmers and Betrayers of the Government; and so Revenge my self, that no body for the future shall dare Oppose my Pre­tensions.

A clever Course! But methinks some­what sawcy; and he that practises it deserves no other Advancement but to the Pillory or Whip­ping-Post. However, since there's an Old Pro­verb— That One may better steal a Steed, than Another peep over the Hedge; I know not whether every Observator may be allow'd the like Preroga­tive: Therefore still I say I'll not meddle with Edg-Tools.

What then shall we talk of nothing at all?

No, but of something next to Nothing, that is, the Ovservator Himself: I go sometimes to SAM's, where People cry him up as the Atlas of the Church, the Argus of the State, the very Buckle-and-Thong of Loyalty: And you see how he vapours of his Forty Years Service to the Crown: Therefore I would gladly be inform'd what Migh­ty Exploits he perform'd during the Old Rebellion, what Commands he had, how many. Thousand Pounds he expended, what Scars of Honour he received.

You must note, The Gentleman was a Younger Brother, (the Scandal of a worthy Family, who have long been asham'd of him) and so far from being able to Contribute to the Royal Cause, that during his Youth, Phill. Porter's Plow was his best Maintenance; and 'tis observ'd, That he [Page 4]liv'd more splendidly under the Ʋsurper, than ever before or since: Whence some have thought, that the same Wind which hurried Old Noll to Old Nick, might also puff away this Gallant's Coach and Horses: For though he kept such an Equi­page before, they were never afterwards visible.

This is nothing to his Personal Gallan­try; Perhaps he Rescu'd the Standard at Edg-hill, storm'd Towns (as Mountebanks draw Teeth) with a Touch, or Routed whole Armies of the Rebels, like Almanzor.

No, no; Valour is none of his Tallent: He has more Wit then to hazard his Precious Per­son with any Gun but Joan's; wisely considering, that if a man happen to be Spitted through the Lungs, or have his Brains dull'd with a Lump of Lead, 'twould go near to spoil his writing of Ob­servators for ever, and then what would become of the Government? He marches, indeed, equipp'd with a Sword, but 'tis onely for Ornament: for he has not so much Courage as a Guinney-Pig; a Boy of Fourteen may at any time dis-arm him with a Bean-Stalk. Did you never hear how Captain C. of Richmond Observator'd him? Or how the Life-Guard-Man wrought a Miracle, and (for a moment) made him honest.

Of the first I have had some inkling; he had Libell'd some of the Captains Relations, who thereupon gave him the Discipline of the Battoon, and made him Dance without his Fiddle; which he receiv'd as became a Philosopher: And 'tis the best Argument he has to prove him a Chri­stian, [Page 5]because Preces & Lachrymae were all his De­fence. — But for the Adventure of the Liseguard­man, I am in the dark.

The Business was thus, — About the year 1677. One Cole having a Sheet against Popery, call'd, A Rod for Rome, (or some such like Title) bearing hard upon the Jesuites, sent it up for a Pass-Port, Mr. Observer refused it, (as he gene­rally did things of that Nature) yet could give no reason; (For he was not so Ungenteel as to boast the Kindnesses he did the Romans.) Thus it lay by, till after the Discovery of the Plot, when the Old man sent it again by Mrs. Purslow a Printer: who having made 40 Jaunts in vain, at last sent: her Maid for his Positive Answer, but she not being so much in his Favour as the Lass (once) in Duck-lane, (to whom he never denyed any thing,) he return'd it, swearing most Bloodily that he would not Allow it; As the Wench came forth, who should she meet with but a Gentleman of the Guard, her Acquaintance; who understanding what she had been about, read the Copy, goes back with her, and as soon as he came into the room, displaying the Paper by one corner, as an Ensign of War, begins— D—me, do you deny such an Honest Thing against the Papists, ha? The Observator was just ready to Atkinize his Breeches, and with a thousand French Cringes and Grimaces, Cries— Good Sir! Noble Sir! As I'm a Gentleman, I never refus'd it, only the Maid importu­ned me when I was busy,—and presently B [...]scrawl'd the Paper with his Licentious Fist; The Wench was fumbling for the Half-Crown, but her friend [Page 6]pluckt her away abruptly, and our Observator was glad he was so well rid of him, though with the loss of his Fee.

But still where are the Instances of his Atchievments for Charles the Martyr? He boasts in twenty of his Pamphlets, how near he was to the Honour of the Gallows; What was he to be Hang'd like Mum-Chance, for doing nothing?

No, but for doing nothing to the purpose. Did you never see a little Hocus by slight of hand popping a piece several times, first out of one Pock­et, and then another, perswade Folks he was dam­nable full of money, when one poor Sice was all his Stock: Just so the Iliads of our Observators Loyalty, when Examin'd, dwindle into one sin­gle, sorry, ill-manag'd Intrigue at Lynn. Which was nakedly thus.

About Novemb. 44. The Town of Lynn being in the Rebels hands, the Gentleman you wot on, pre­tending abundance of Interest there, when indeed he had none at all, procured a Commission from His Majesty to Reduce it, graciously promising him the government of the Town, if he could effect it, and payment of all Rewards he should promise, not exceeding 5000 l. &c. The Hair-brain'd Ʋn­dertaker could think of no other way to Reduce it, but by sending for one Captain Leamon of Lynn, (one that had taken the Covenant, and a known Zealot for the Rebels Cause) to a Papists House two or three miles off, and very discreetly blun­ders out the Business; shews him his Commission, promises him 1000 l. and other preferments if he [Page 7]would betray the Town, adding, That the King did value the surprizing that Town as half his Crown. [A very likely Tale!] Leamon perceiving what a weak Tool he had to deal with, seems to comply, but the same night acquaints the Governour, Col­lonel Walton, and (according to promise) meets our Skulking Town-taker next day, but carried with him a Corporal in Seamans Habit; To whom he also very frankly shewed his Commission. In the mean time, Lieutenant Stubbing, and five Soul­diers habited like Seamen, came from Lynn to the house, and then the disguis'd Corporal seizes our Gallant Ʋndertaker, who tamely surrenders both his Person and Commission; and so being brought to London, it being proved at a Court Martial at Guild-Hall, and by himself Confessed, That he came into the Parliaments Quarters not in an ho­stile manner as a Souldier, but without Drum, Trum­pet, or Pass, as a Spye, and had tampered with their Officers to betray the Garison, he was for the same Sentenced to be Hanged, Decemb. 28.44, and pas­sing from the Court through the Croud, uttered these Heroick words— I desire all people would take warning by me, that there may be no more Blood shed in this kind. However by Appealing to the Lords he shuffled off present Exeeution, and having lain some time in Newgate, obtaind his Liberty; but upon what valluable Considerations, must remain a Riddle, unless his after Familiarity with Cromwel, and the un­accountable Port that he afterwards lived in, during those times, help to explain it.

The Total of the Account then stands [Page 8]thus,—1. That the Gentleman abused the good King with a false Story; It seems he thought it as easy a matter to Surprize a Town, as to over-run the Printers Wife; but was shamefully defeated in both. 2. He manag'd the Affair like a rash Cox­comb, and was out-witted by a dull heavy Round­head. 3. Had it succeeded, though acknowledg'd Justisiable, (such practises being often used in Wars, much more in the Case of Rebels, where the seem­ing Treachery is but Duty) yet there is little of Glory to be derived from such a pitiful Tampering Imploy, only it seems he was not judg'd Capable of any more Brave and Honourable, and therefore must make his most of this. 4. When he was in Danger of the Nooze, he Repented even of this his Loyal undertaking, and Sneak'd most pitifully, and at last got off Suspiciously.—So much for his Old Services. Now let's hear of his Exploits since the Restauration.

—No sooner was that Blissful Change, but our Observator first endeavour'd to set the old Ca­valiers at Variance, and wrot against that faithful Servant to the Crown, the Learned and Loyal Mr. James Howel, and as far as he durst snarl'd at the Court and Chief Ministers for not preferring him­self (forsooth) as well as others. And to be taken notice of, In Defiance to the Act of Indempnity, and of his Majesties most excellent Declaration touching Ecclesiastick Affairs, (A Soveraign Balm that was like to heal all our Wounds, and Mortify for ever the Designs of Rome) he began to ripp up old Sores, and blow the Coals of Division amongst [Page 9]Protestants under pretence of Exposing the Pres­byterians; yet still the Devil of Self-Interest Jog­ged his Elbow: for the man is known, who being newly come from Lambeth, and having received onely Thanks and Benedictions instead of money, swore— Damme! Let the B—s, henceforwards write for themselves. After this, dispairiug of high­er place, he aims at the supervisal of the Press (for which his scribbling humour had somewhat adap­ted him) then gives the Government perpetual (false) Alarms on that side; but having once gain'd the Point, soon learnt the faculty to wink as oft as his Spectacles were Inchanted with the dust of Peru. How that Affair was managed, Let the Booksellers Guinies near Mercers-Chappel, The Books seized, afterwards privately sold from Cam­bray-house, to be Publisht, &c. be Instances; but especially the known Story of the Printers VVife (before mentioned) in Bartholomew-Close, to whom he prostituted the Interest of Church and State, offering to connive at her Husband's Printing Trea­son, Sedition, Heresy, Schism, any thing, if she would but gratify his bruitish Lust.

But still he was tight to the Church of England.

Of his Zeal therein, there are these unde­niable Testimonies.

1. His having been forty times at Mass by his own Confession in Print.

2. His not Receiving the Sacrament, or so much as coming to his Parish-Church 12 long years and upwards.

3. His approving Books destructive to all Chri­stianity, As one Intituled, Anima mundi, burnt af­terwards (with his hand to it) by order (if I mi­stake not) of the Reverend Bishop of London: A­nother called—A Treatise of Humane Reason, that deserved the same Fate, as making every mans private Fancy Judge of Religion, the grand Scandal which Papists have these 100 years falsly cast on Protestantism.

4 By Connivance at Popish Pamphlets all the time of his Dictatorship; Not one having been during those many years honestly Prosecuted by him, though 'tis computed above 100 thousand of them were in that space dispersed, to poison His Majesties Protestant Subjects; Nay on the contrary, as often as that Active Loyal Gentleman, Mr. M. of the Company of Stationers, or any other of the Masters or Wardens, or Mr. Stephens, Messenger of the Press, had discovered any of the Papists Pamphlet-Magazines, this Observator either by secret Intelli­gence prevented the Seizure, or afterwards shuffled off both Book, and Prosecution, pretending the same appertain'd to his immediate care, and so no more was heard on't.

But all the Loyal-world commends his Observators as witty and highly serviccable to the Goverment.

As to the Wit, (no great praise in a Blade of threescore and twelve) 'tis the Observation of Judicious Raleigh, Nihil est Sapientiae Odiosus A­cumine Nimio, Nothing is more an Enemy to Wisdom than Drollery and Over-sharpness of Conceit; Hot­headed [Page 11]Youths, Unthinking shallow People, are ea­sily taken, (as Larks are by Low-Bells) with a Gin­gle of words; and perhaps some She-Politicians may admire him; But the Graver and more Con­siderate Loyalists judge no Papers have really been more Prejudicial to his Majesties Interest; His de­sign therein is Evident, The Act that formerly gave him Bread, being Expired, something must be done for a Lively-hood; His Acquaintance, his In­terest, lay on the Red-Letter'd Side: who quickly Engage him to Ridicule that Plot which his Ma­jesty and four several Parliaments, (after strictest In­quisition) had declar'd Horrid and Damnable; Hence started up the Brass Screws, the Salamanca Certifi­cate, and twenty other Crotchets, which neither Secretary Castlemain, nor Sing, nor any of their St. Omers Pupils had the luck to think of, and yet al­together as empty, Incoherent, and Nonsensical as their Oaths and Allegations; But his feeders still not thinking this enough, have of late put him up­ [...]n another Jobb; To expose not only Fanaticks [...]nd Whiggs, but all Sober Church-men and Moderate Loyal Protestant Subjects under the foolish, but odious Name of Trimmers.

—But still he avows he writes for the Government.

Nothing more false; he writes only for his Belly; 'Tis the Crust not the Cause he leaps at; As long as he Scribbles with such Provocations, tis impossible to stop the other Pamphleteers; Nay he has done The Faction the greatest Service of any man living; being the General Publisher of their [Page 12]Clandestine Pamphlets, and sets People agog to inquire after, and buy them; That Lewd Impu­dent and Traiterous Libel, The Second part of the Growth of Popery and Arbitrary Government, scarce saw the Light, before he proclaimed and repealed it; And if Hunts sawcy Book have Sold 10000, He is beholden at least for putting off 8000 of them, to the Observator. Some affirm, that for this (Se­cret) Service he has a Pension from the Whiggs, e­qual to his Presents from the Tories; but tis cer­tain when any body Prints an obnoxious Pamphlet, they first send it to him by the Penny-Post, to save 10 s. Charge of putting it in the Gazet.

—I could not before guess at the Reason why he has of late express'd so much Malice against the honest Messenger of the Press, that according to his Duty faithfully and Impartially discharg'd his Office towards suppressing all Pamphlets, both Pha­natical and Popish; But if this Gentleman gets Friends by the one, and money by the other; t [...] wonder, if he have a spight at every body t [...] would Damm up both his Mills at once—But it grows late, and I am to meet a Friend at Sam's, so Farewel till I see you next.