THE Lady's New-Year's-Gift: OR, ADVICE TO A DAUGHTER.
I Find, that even our most pleasing Thoughts will be unquiet; they will be in motion; and the Mind can have no rest whilst it is possess'd by a darling Passion. You are at present the chief Object of my Care, as well as of my Kindness, which sometimes throweth me into Visions of your being happy in the World, that are better suited to my partial Wishes, than, to my reasonable Hopes for you. At other times, when my Fears prevail, [Page 2] I shrink as if I was struck, at the Prospect of Danger, to which a young Woman must be expos'd. By how much the more Lively, so much the more Liable you are to be hurt; as the finest Plants are the soonest nipped by the Frost. Whilst you are playing full of Innocence, the spitefull World will bite, except you are guarded by your Caution. Want of Care therefore, my dear Child, is never to be excus'd; since, as to this World, it hath the same effect as want of Vertue. Such an early sprouting Wit requireth so much the more to be sheltred by some Rules, like something strew'd on tender Flowers to preserve them from being blasted. You must take it well to be prun'd by so kind a Hand as that of a Father. There may be some bitterness in meer Obedience: The natural Love of Liberty may help to make the Commands of a Parent harder to go down: Some inward resistance there will be, where Power and not Choice maketh us move. But when a Father layeth aside his Authority, and persuadeth only by his Kindness, you will never answer it to Good Nature, if it hath not weight with you.
A great part of what is said in the following Discourse may be above the present [Page 3] growth of your Understanding; but that becoming every day taller, will in a little time reach up to it, so as to make it easie to you. I am willing to begin with you before your Mind is quite form'd, that being the time in which it is most capable of receiving a Colour that will last when it is mix'd with it. Few things are well learnt, but by early Precepts: Those well infus'd, make them Natural; and we are never sure of retaining what is valuable, till by a continued Habit we have made it a Piece of us.
Whether my skill can draw the Picture of a fine Woman, may be a question: but it can be none, That I have drawn that of a kind Father: If you will take an exact Copy, I will so far presume upon my workmanship, as to undertake you shall not make an ill Figure. Give me so much Credit as to try, and I am sure that neither your Wishes nor mine shall be disappointed by it.
RELIGION.
THe first thing to be confidered, is Religion. It must be the chief Object of your Thoughts, since it would [Page 4] be a vain thing to direct your Behaviour in the World, and forget that which you are to have towards him who made it.
In a strict sense, it is the only thing necessary: you must take it into your Mind, and from thence throw it into your Heart, where you are to embrace it so close as never to lose the Possession of it. But then it is necessary to distinguish between the Reality and the Pretence.
Religion doth not consist in believing the Legend of the Nursery, where Children with their Milk are fed with the Tales of Witches, Hobgoblings, Prophecies, and Miracles. We suck in so greedily these early Mistakes, that our riper Vnderstanding hath much ado to cleanse our Minds from this kind of Trash: The Stories are so entertaining, that we do not only believe them, but relate them; which makes the discovery of the Truth somewhat grievous, when it makes us lose such a Field of Impertinence, where we might have diverted our selves, besides the throwing some shame upon us for having ever received them. This is making the World a Jest, and imputing to God Almighty, That the Province he assigneth to the Devil, is to play at Blindmans-busf, and shew Tricks with Mankind; [Page 5] and is so far from being Religion, that it is not Sense, and hath right only to be call'd that kind of Devotion, of which Ignorance is the undoubted Mother, without competition or dispute. These Mistakes are therefore to be left off with your Hanging sleeves; and you ought to be as much out of countenance to be found with them about you, as to be seen playing with Babies at an Age when other things are expected from you.
The next thing to be observ'd to you, is, That Religion doth as little consist in loud Answers and devout Convulsions at Church, or Praying in an extraordinary manner. Some Ladies are so extream stirring at Church, that one would swear the Worm in their Conscience made them so unquiet. Others will have such a Divided Face between a Devout Goggle and an Inviting Glance, that the unnatural Mixture maketh even the best Looks to be at that time ridiculous. These affected Appearances are ever suspected, like very strong Perfumes, which are generally thought no very good Symptoms in those that make use of them. Let your earnestness therefore be reserv'd for your Closet, where you may have God Almighty to your self: In Publick be still and calm, neither undecently [Page 6] Careless, nor Affected in the other Extream.
It is not true Devotion, to put on an angry Zeal against those who may be of a differing Persuasion. Partiality to our selves makes us often mistake it for a Duty, to fall hard upon others in that case; and being push'd on by Self-conceit, we strike without mercy, believing that the Wounds we give are Meritorious, and that we are fighting God Almighty's Quarrel; when the truth is, we are only setting out our selves. Our Devotion too often breaketh out into that Shape which most agreeth with our particular Temper. The Cholerick grow into a hardned Severity against all who dissent from them; snatch at all the Texts of Scripture that suit with their Complexion; and because God's Wrath was some time kindled, they conclude, That Anger is a Divine Vertue; and are so far [...]rom imagining their ill natur'd Zeal requireth an Apology, that they value themselves upon it, and triumph in it. Others, whose Nature is more Credulous than ordinary, admit no Bounds or Measure to it; they grow as proud of extending their Faith, as Princes are of enlarging their Dominions; not considering that our Faith, like our Stomach, is [Page 7] capable of being over-charg'd; and that as the last is destroy'd by taking in more than it can digest, so our Reason may be extinguish'd by oppressing it with the weight of too many strange things; especially if we are forbidden to chew what we are commanded to swallow. The Melancholy and the Sullen are apt to place a great part of their Religion in dejected or ill-humour'd Looks, putting on an unsociable Face, and declaiming against the Innocent Entertainments of Life, with as much sharpness as they could bestow upon the greatest Crimes. This generally is only a Vizard, there is seldom any thing real in it. No other thing is the better for being Sowre; and it would be hard that Religion should be so, which is the best of things. In the mean time it may be said with truth, That this surly kind of Devotion hath perhaps done little less hurt in the World, by frighting, than the most scandalous Examples have done by infecting it.
Having told you, in these few Instances, to which many more might be added, what is not true Religion; it is time to describe to you, what is so. The ordinary Definitions of it are no more like it, than the common Sign-posts are like the Princes [Page 8] they would represent. The unskilful Dawbers in all Ages have generally laid on such ill Colours, and drawn such harsh Lines, that the Beauty of it is not easily to be discerned: They have put in all the forbiddng Features that can be thought of; and in the first place, have made it an irreconcilable Enemy to Nature; when, in reality, they are not only Friends, but Twins, born together at the same time; and it is doing violence to them both, to go about to have them separated. Nothing is so kind and so inviting as true and unsophisticated Religion: Instead of imposing unnecessary Burdens upon our Nature, it easeth us of the greater weight of our Passions and Mistakes: Instead of subduing us with Rigour, it redeemeth us from the Slavery we are in to our selves, who are the most severe Masters, whilst we are under the Usurpation of our Appetites let loose and not restrain'd.
Religion is a chearful thing, so far from being always at Cuffs with Good Humour, that it is inseparably united to it. Nothing unpleasant belongs to it, though the Spiritual Cooks have done their unskilful part to give an ill Relish to it. A wise Epicure would be Religious for the sake of Pleasure; Good Sense is the Foundation [Page 9] of both; and he is a Bungler who aimeth at true Luxury, but where they are join'd.
Religion is exalted Reason, refin'd and sisted from the grosser parts of it: It dwelleth in the upper Region of the Mind, where there are fewest Clouds or Mists to darken or offend it: It is both the Foundation and the Crown of all Vertues: It is Morality improv'd and rais'd to its height, by being carried nearer Heaven, the only place where Perfection resideth. It cleanseth the Vnderstanding, and brusheth off the Earth that hangeth about our Souls. It doth not want the Hopes and the Terrors which are made use of to support it; neither ought it to descend to the borrowing any Argument out of it self, since there we may find every thing that should invite us. If we were to be hired to Religion, it is able to out-bid the corrupted World, with all it can offer to us, being so much the Richer of the two, in every thing where Reason is admitted to be a Judge of the Value.
Since this is so, it is worth your pains to make Religion your choice, and not make use of it only as a Refuge. There are Ladies, who finding by the too visible decay of their good Looks, that they can shine no more by that Light, put on the [Page 10] Varnish of an affected Devotion, to keep up some kind of Figure in the World. They take Sanctuary in the Church, when they are pursued by growing Contempt which will not be stopt, but followeth them to the Altar. Such late penitence is only a disguise for the tormenting grief of being no more handsome. That is the killing thought which draweth the sighs and tears, that appear outwardly to be applied to a better end.
There are many who have an Aguish Devotion, Hot and Cold Fits, long Intermissions, and violent Raptures. This unevenness is by all means to be avoided. Let your method be a steady course of good Life, that may run like a smooth Stream, and be a perpetual Spring to furnish to the continued Exercise of Vertue. Your Devotion may be earnest, but it must be unconstrained; and like other Duties, you must make it your Pleasure too, or else it will have very little efficacy. By this Rule you may best judge of your own Heart. Whilst those Duties are Joys, it is an Evidence of their being sincere; but when they are a Penance, it is a sign that your Nature maketh some resistance; and whilst that lasteth, you can never be entirely secure of your self.
[Page 11] If you are often unquiet, and too nearly touch'd by the cross Accidents of Life, your Devotion is not of the right Standard there is too much Allay in it. That which is right and unmixt, taketh away the Sting of every thing that would trouble you: It is like a healing Balm, that extinguisheth the sharpness of the Bloud; so this softeneth and dissolveth the Anguish of the Mind. A devout Mind hath the Privilege of being free from Passions, as some Climates are from all venomous kind of Creatures. It will raise you above the little Vexations to which others for want of it, will be expos'd, and bring you to a Temper, not of stupid Indifference, but of such a wise Resignation, that you may live in the World, so as it may hang about you like a loose Garment, and not tied too close to you.
Take heed of running into that common Error, of applying God's Judgments upon particular Occasions. Our Weights and Measures are not competent to make the Distribution either of his Mercy or his Justice: He hath thrown a Veil over these things, which makes it not only an Impertinence, but a kind of Sacrilege, for us to give Sentence in them without his Commission.
[Page 12] As to your particular Faith, keep to the Religion that is grown up with you, both as it is the bed in it self, and that the reason of staying in it upon that Ground is somewhat stronger for your Sex, than it will perhaps be allow'd to be for ours; in respect that the Voluminous enquiries into the Truth, by Reading, are less expected from you. The Best of Books will be direction enough to you not to change; and whilst you are fix'd and sufficiently confirm'd in your own Mind, you will do best to keep vain Doubts and Scruples at such a distance that they may give you no disquiet.
Let me recommend to you a Method of being rightly inform'd, which can never fail: It is in short this. Get Vnderstanding, and practise Vertue And if you are [...]o Blessed as to have those for your Share, it is not surer that there is a God, than it is, that by him all Necessary Truths will be revealed to you.
HVSBAND.
THAT which challengeth the place in your Thoughts, is how to live with a Husband. And though that is so large a Word, that few Rules can be fix'd to it which [Page 13] are unchangeable, the Methods being as various as the several Tempers of Men to which they must be suited; yet I cannot omit some General Observations, which, with the help of your own may the better direct you in the part of your Life upon which your Happiness most dependeth.
It is one of the Disadvantages belonging to your Sex, that young Women are seldom permitted to make their own Choice; their Friends Care and Experience are thought safer Guides to them, than their own Fancies; and their Modesty often forbiddeth them to refuse when their Parents recommend, though their inward Consent may not entirely go along with it. In this case there remaineth nothing for them to do, but to endeavour to make that easie which falleth to their Lot, and by a wise use of every thing they may dislike in a Husband▪ turn that by degrees to be very supportable, which, if neglected, might in time beget an Aversion.
You must first lay it down for a Foundation in general▪ That there is Inequality in the Sexes, and that for the better Oeconomy of the World, the Men, who were to be the Law-givers, had the larger share of Reason bestow'd upon them; by which means your Sex is the better prepar'd [Page 14] for the Compliance that is necessary for the better performance of those Duties which teem to be most properly assign'd to it. This looks a little uncourtly at the first appearance; but upon Examination it will be found, that Nature is so far from being unjust to you, that she is partial on our side. She hath made you such large Amends by other Advantages, for the seeming Injustice of the first Distribution, that the Right of Complaining is come over to our Sex. You have it in your power not only to free your selves, but to subdue your Masters, and without violence throw both their Natural and Legal Authority. at your Feet. We are made of differing Tempers, that our Defects may the better be mutually supplied: Your Sex wanteth our Reason for your Conduct, and our Strength for your Protection: Ours wanteth your Gentleness to soften, and to entertain us. The first part of our Life is a good deal subjected to you in the Nursery, where you Reign without Competition, and by that means have the advantage of giving the first Impressions. Afterwards you have stronger Influences, which, well manag'd, have more force in your behalf, than all our Privileges and Jurisdictions can pre [...]end to have against you. You have more [Page 15] strength in your Looks, than we have in our Laws, and more power by your Tears, than we have by our Arguments.
It is true, that the Laws of Marriage, run in a harsher stile towards your Sex. Obey is an ungenteel word, and less easie to be digested, by making such an unkind distinction in the Words of the Contract, and so very unsuitable to the excess of Good Manners, which generally goes before it. Besides, the universality of the Rule seemeth to be a Grievance, and it appeareth reasonable, that there might be an Exemption for extraordinary Women, from ordinary Rules, to take away the just Exception that lieth against the false measure of general Equality.
It may be alledged by the Counsel retained by your Sex, that as there is in all other Laws, an Appeal from the Letter to the Equity, in Cases that require it▪ It is as reasonable, that some Court of a larger. Jurisdiction might be erected, where some Wives might resort and plead specially. And in such instances where Nature is so kind, as to raise them above the level of their own Sex, they might have Relief, and obtain a Mitigation in their own particular, of a Sentence which was given generally against Woman kind. The causes [Page 16] of Separation are now so very course, that few are confident enough to buy their Liberty at the price of having their Modesty so exposed. And for disparity of Minds, which above all other things requireth a Remedy, the Laws have made no provision; so little refin'd are numbers of Men, by whom they are compil'd. This and a great deal more might be said to give a colour to the Complaint.
But the Answer to it, in short is, That the Institution of Marriage is too sacred to admit a Liberty of objecting to it; That the supposition of yours being the weaker Sex, having without all doubt a good Foundation, maketh it reasonable to subject it to the Masculine Dominion; That no Rule can be so perfect, as not to admit some Exceptions; But the Law presumeth there would be so few found in this Case, who would have a sufficient Right to such a Privilege, that it is safer some Injustice should be conniv'd at in a very few Instances, than to break into an Establishment, upon which the Order of Humane Society doth so much depend.
You are therefore to make your best of what is settled by Law and Custom, and not vainly imagine, that it will be changed for your sake. But that you may not be [Page 17] discouraged, as if you lay under the weight of an incurable Grievance, you are to know, that by a wise and dexterous Conduct, it will be in your power to relieve your self from any thing that looketh like a disadvantage in it. For your better direction, I will give a hint of the most ordinary Causes of Dissatisfaction between Man and Wife, that you may be able by such a Warning to live so upon your Guard, that when you shall be married, you may know how to cure your Husband's Mistakes, and to prevent your own.
First then, you are to consider, you live in a time which hath rendred some kind of Frailties so habitual, that they lay claim to large Grains of Allowance. The World in this is somewhat unequal, and our Sex seemeth to play the Tyrant in distinguishing partially for our selves, by making that in the utmost degree Criminal in the Woman, which in a Man passeth under a much gentler Censure. The Root and the Excuse of this Injustice is the Preservation of Families from any Mixture which may bring a Blemish to them: And whilst the Point of Honour continues to be so plac'd, it seems unavoidable to give your Sex, the greater share of the Penalty. But if in this it lieth under any Disadvantage, you are more than recompens'd, [Page 18] by having the Honour of Families in your keeping. The Consideration so great a Trust must give you, maketh full amends; and this Power the World hath lodged in you, can hardly fail to restrain the Severity of an ill Husband, and to improve the Kindness and Esteem of a good one. This being so, remember, That next to the danger, of committing the Fault your self, the greatest is that of seeing it in your Husband. Do not seem to look or hear that way: If he is a Man of Sense, he will reclaim himself; the Folly of it, is of it self sufficient to cure him: if he is not so, he will be provok'd, but not reform'd. To expostulate in these Cases, looketh like declaring War, and preparing Reprisals; which to a thinking Husband would be a dangerous Reflexion. Besides, it is so course a Reason which will be assign'd for a Lady's too great Warmth upon such an occasion, that Modesty no less than Prudence ought to restrain her; since such an undecent Complaint makes a Wife much more ridiculous, than the Injury that provoketh her to it. But it is yet worse, and more unskilful, to blaze it in the World, expecting it should rise up in Arms to take her part: Whereas she will find, it can have no other Effect, than that she will be served up in all [Page 19] Companies, as the reigning Jest at that time; and will continue to be the common Entertainment, till she is rescu'd by some newer Folly that cometh upon the Stage, and driveth her away from it. The Impertinence of such Methods is so plain, that it doth not deserve the pains of being laid open. Be assur'd, that in these Cases your Discretion and Silence will be the most prevailing Reproof. An affected Ignorance, which is seldom a Vertue, is a great one here: And when your Husband seeth how unwill [...]ng you are to be uneasie, there is no stronger Argument to perswade him not to be unjust to you. Besides, it will naturally make him more yielding in other things: And whether it be to cover or redeem his Offence, you may have the good Effects of it whilst it lasteth, and all that while have the most reasonable Ground that can be, of presuming, such a Behaviour will at last entirely convert him. There is nothing so glorious to a Wife, as a Victory so gain'd: A Man so reclaim'd, is for ever after subjected to her Vertue; and her bearing for a time, is more than rewarded by a Triumph that will continue as long as her Life.
The next thing I will suppose, is, That your Husband may love Wine more than is convenient. It will be granted, That [Page 20] though there are Vices of a deeper dye, there are none that have greater Deformity than this, when it is not restrain'd: But with all this, the same Custom which is the more to be lamented for its being so general, should make it less uneasie to every one in particular who is to suffer by the Effects of it: So that in the first place, it will be no new thing if you should have a Drunkard for your Husband; and there is by too frequent Examples evidence enough, that such a thing may happen, and yet a Wife may live too without being miserable. Self-love dictateth aggravating words to every thing we feel; Ruine and Misery are the Terms we apply to whatever we do not like, forgetting the Mixture allotted to us by the Condition of Human Life, by which it is not intended we should be quite exempt from trouble. It is fair, if we can escape such a degree of it as would oppress us, and enjoy so much of the pleasant part as may lessen the ill taste of such things as are unwelcome to us. Every thing hath two Sides, and for our own ease we ought to direct our Thoughts to that which may be least liable to exception. To sall upon the worst side of a Drunkard, giveth so unpleasant a prospect, that it is not possible to dwell upon it. Let us pass then to the [Page 21] more favourable part, as far as a Wife is concern'd in it.
I am tempted to say (if the Irregularity of the Expression could in strictness be justified) That a Wife is to thank God her Husband hath Faults. Mark the seeming Paradox my Dear, for your own Instruction, it being intended no further. A Husband without Faults is a dangerous Observer; he hath an Eye so piercing, and seeth every thing so plain, that it is expos'd to his full Censure. And though I will not doubt but that your Vertue will disappoint the sharpest Enquiries; yet few Women can bear the having all they say or do represented in the clear Glass of an Understanding without Faults. Nothing softneth the Arrogance of our Nature, like a Mixture of some Frailties. It is by them we are best told, that we must not strike too hard upon others, because we our selves do so often deserve Blows: They pull our Rage by the Sleeve, and whisper Gentleness to us in our Censures, even when they are rightly applied. The Faults and Passions of Husbands bring them down to you, and make them content to live upon less unequal Terms, than Faultless Men would be willing to stoop to; so haughty is Mankind till humbled by common [Page 22] Weaknesses and Defects, which in our corrupted State contribute more towards the reconciling us to one another, than all the Precepts of the Philosophers and Divines. So that where the Errors of our Nature make amends for the Disadvantages of yours it is more your part to make use of the Benefit, than to quarrel at the Fault.
Thus in case a Drunken Husband should fall to your share, if you will be wise and patient, his Wine shall be of your side; it will throw a Veil over your Mistakes, and will set out and improve every thing you do, that he is pleased with. Others will like him less, and by that means he may perhaps like you the more. When after having dined too well, he is received at home without a Storm, or so much as a reproaching Look, the Wine will naturally work out all in Kindeness, which a Wife must encourage, let it be wrapped up in never so much Impertinence. On the other side it would boil up into Rage, if the mistaken Wife should treat him roughly, like a certain thing called a kind Shrew, than which the World, with all its Plenty, cannot shew a more Senseless, ill-bred, forbidding Creature. Consider, that where the Man will give such frequent Intermissions [Page 23] of the use of his Reason, the Wife insensibly getteth a Right of Governing in the Vacancy, and that raiseth her Character and Credit in the Family, to a higher pitch than perhaps could be done under a sober Husband, who never putteth himself into an Incapacity of holding the Reins. If these are not intire Consolations, at least they are Remedies to some Degree. They cannot make Drunkenness a Vertue, nor a Husband given to it a Felicity; but you will do your self no ill office in the endeavouring, by these means, to make the best of such a Lot, in case it should happen to be yours, and by the help of a wise Observation, to make that very supportable, which would otherwise be a Load that would oppress you.
The next Case I will put is that your Husband may be Cholerick or Ill-humour'd. To this it may be said, That passionate Men generally make amends at the Foot of the Account. Such a Man, if he is angry one day without any Sense, will the next day be as kind without any Reason. So that by marking how the Wheels of such a Man's Head are used to move, you may easily bring over all his Passion to your Party. Instead of being struck down by his Thunder, you shall direct it where and upon [Page 24] whom you shall think it best applied. Thus are the strongest Poisons turn'd to the best Remedies; but then there must be Art in it, and a skilful Hand, else the least bungling maketh it mortal. There is a great deal of nice Care requisite to deal with a Man of this Complexion. Choler proceedeth from Pride, and maketh a Man so partial to himself that he swelleth against Contradiction; and thinketh he is lessened if he is opposed. You must in this Case take heed of increasing the Storm by an unwary Word, or kindling the Fire whilst the Wind is in a Corner which may blow it in your Face: You are dextrously to yield every thing till he beginneth to cool, and then by slow degrees you may rise and gain upon him: Your Gentleness well timed, will, like a Charm, dispel his Anger ill placed; a kind Smile will reclaim, when a shrill pettish Answer would provoke him; rather than fail upon such occasions, when other Remedies are too weak, a little Flattery may be admitted, which by being necessary, will cease to be Criminal.
If Ill. Humour and Sullenness, and not open and sudden Heat is his Disease, there is a way of treating that too, so as to make it a Grievance to be endured. In order to if, you are first to know, that naturally [Page 25] good Sense hath a mixture of surly in it: and there being so much Folly in the World, and for the Most part so triumphant, it giveth frequent Temptations to raise the Spleen of Men who think right. Therefore that which may generally be call'd Ill-Humour, is not always a Fault; it becometh one when either it is wrong applied, or that it is continued too long, when it is not so: For this Reason you must not too hastily fix an ill name upon that which may perhaps not deserve it; and though the Case should be, that your Husband might too sowerly resent any thing he disliketh, it may so happen, that more Blame shall belong to your Mistake, than to his Ill-Humour. If a Husband behaveth himself sometimes with an Indifference that a Wife may think offensive, she is in the wrong to put the worst sence upon it, if by any Means it will admit a better. Some Wives will call it Ill-humour if their Husbands change their Style from that which they used whilst they made their first Addresses to them: Others will allow no Intermission or Abatement in the Expressions of Kindness to them, not enough distinguishing Times, and forgetting that it is impossible for Men to keep themselves up all their Lives to the height [Page 26] of some extravagant Moments. A Man may at some times be less careful in little things, without any cold or disobliging Reason for it; as a Wife may be too expecting in smaller matters, without drawing upon her-self the inference of being unkind. And if your Husband should be really sullen, and have such frequent Fits, as might take away the excuse of it, it concerneth you to have an Eye prepared to discern the first Appearances of Cloudy Weather, and to watch when the Fit goeth off, which seldom lasteth long if it is let alone. But whilst the Mind is sore, every thing galleth it, and that maketh it necessary to let the Black Humour begin to spend it self▪ before you come in and venture to undertake it.
If in the Lottery of the World you should draw a Covetous Husband, I confess it will not make you proud of your good Luck; yet even such a one may be endured too, though there are few Passions more untractable than that of Avarice. You must first take care that your Definition of Avarice may not be a Mistake. You are to examine every Circumstance of your Husband's Fortune, and weigh the Reason of every thing you expect from him before you have right to pronounce [Page 27] that sentence. The Complaint is now so general against all Husbands, that it giveth great suspicion of its being often ill-grounded; it is impossible they should all deserve that Censure, and therefore it is certain, that it is many times misapplied. He that spareth in every thing is an inexcusable Niggard; he that spareth in nothing is as inexcusable a Madman. The mean is, to spare in what is least necessary, to lay out more liberally in what is most required in our several circumstances. Yet this will not always satisfie. There are Wives who are impatient of the Rules of Oecomomy, and are apt to call their Husband's Kindness in question, if any other measure is put to their expence than that of their own Fancy. Be sure to avoid this dangerous Error, such a partiality to your Self▪ which is so offensive to an understanding Man, that he will very ill bear a Wife's giving her self such an injurious preference to all the Family, and whatever belongeth to it.
But to admit the worst, and that your Husband is really a Close-handed Wretch, you must in this, as in other Cases, endeavour to make it less afflicting to you; and first you must observe seasonable hours of speaking. When you offer any thing [Page 28] in opposition to this reigning Humour, a third hand and a wise Friend, may often prevail more than you will be allowed to do in your own Cause. Sometimes you are dexterously to go along with him in things, where you see that the niggardly part of his Mind is most predominant, by which you will have the better opportunity of perswading him in things where he may be more indifferent. Our Passions are very unequal, and are apt to be raised or lessened, according as they work upon different Objects; they are not to be stopped or restrained in those things where our Mind is more particularly engaged. In other matters they are more tractable, and will sometimes give Reason a hearing, and admit a fair Dispute. More than that, there are few Men, even in this instance of Ava [...]ice, so intirely abandoned to it, that at some hours, and upon some occasions, will not forget their natures, and for that time turn Prodigal. The same Man who will grudge himself what is necessary, let his Pride be raised and he shall be profuse; at another time his Anger shall have the same effect; a fit of Vanity, Ambition, and sometimes of Kindness, shall open and inlarge his narrow Mind; a Dose of Wine will work upon this tough humor, and for the time dissolve it. Your [Page 29] busness must be, if this Case happeneth, to watch these critical moments, and not let one of them slip without making your advantage of it; and a Wife may be said to want skill, if by these means she is not able to secure her self in a good measure against the Inconveniences this scurvy quality in a Husband might bring upon her, except he should be such an incurable Monster, as I hope will never fall to your share.
The last supposition I will make, is, That your Husband should be weak and incompetent to make use of the Privileges that belong to him. It will be yielded, that such a one leaveth room for a great many Objections. But God Almighty seldom sendeth a Grievance without a Remedy, or at least such a Mitigation as taketh away a great part of the sting, and the smart of it. To make such a Misfortune less heavy you are first to bring to your Observation, That a Wife very often maketh better Figure, for her Husband's making no great one: And there seemeth to be little reason, why the same Lady that chuseth a Waiting-Woman with worse Looks, may not be content with a Husband with less Wit; the Argument being equal from the advantage of the Comparison. If you will [Page 30] be more ashamed in some Cases, of such a Husband, you will be less afraid than you would perhaps be of a wise one. His Vnseasonable Weakness may no doubt sometimes grieve you, but then set against this, that it giveth you the Dominion, i [...] you will make the right use of it. It is next to his being dead, in which Case the Wife hath right to Administer; therefore be sure, if you have such an Idiot, that none, except your self, may have the benefit of the forfeiture; Such a Fool is a dangerous Beast, if others have the keeping of him; and you must be very undexterous if when your Husband shall resolve to be an Ass, you do not take care he may be your Ass. But you must go skilfully about it and above all things, take heed of distinguishing in publick, what kind of Husband he is: Your inward thoughts must not hinder the outward payment of the consideration that is due to him: Your slighting him in Company, besides that it would, to a discerning By stander, give too great encouragement for the making nearer applications to you, is in it self such an undecent way of assuming, that it may provoke the tame Creature to break loose, and to shew his Dominion for his Credit, which he was content to forget for his [Page 31] Ease. In short, the surest and the most approved method will be to do like a wise Minister to an easie Prince; first give him the Orders you afterwards receive from him.
With all this, that which you are to pray for, is a Wise Husband, one that by knowing how to be a Master, for that very reason will not let you feel the weight of it; one whose Authority is so soften'd by his Kindness, that it giveth you ease without abridging your Liberty; one that will return so much tenderness for your Just Esteem of him, that you will never want power, though you will seldom care to use it. Such a Husband is as much above all the other Kinds of them, as a rational subjection to a Prince, great in himself, is to be preferr'd before the disquiet and uneasiness of Vnlimited Liberty.
Before I leave this Head, I must add a little concerning your Behaviour to your Husband's Friends, which requireth the most refined part of your Understanding to acquit your self well of it. You are to study how to live with them with more care than you are to apply to any other part of your Life; especially at first, that you may not stumble at the first setting out. The Family into which you are grafted [Page 32] will generally be apt to expect, that like a Stranger in a Foreign Country, you should conform to their Methods, and not bring in a new Model by your own Authority The Friends in such a Case are tempted to rise up in Arms as against an unlawful Invasion, so that you are with the utmost Caution to avoid the least appearances of any thing of this Kind. And that you may with less difficulty afterwards give your Directions, be sure at first to receive them from your Husband's Friends. Gain them to you by early applying to them, and they will be so satisfied, that as nothing is more thankful than Pride, when it is complied with, they will strive which of them shall most recommend you; and when they have helped you to take Root in your Husband's good Opinion, you will have less dependence upon theirs, though you must not neglect any reasonable means of preserving it. You are to consider, that a Man govern'd by his Friends, is very easily inflamed by them; and that one who is not so, will yet for his own sake expect to have them consider'd. It is easily improved to a point of Honour in a Husband, not to have his Relations neglected; and nothing is more dangerous, than to raise an Objection, which is grounded upon [Page 33] Pride: It is the most stubborn and lasting Passion we are subject to, and where it is the first cause of the War, it is very hard to make a secure Peace. Your Caution in this is of the last importance to you.
And that you may the better succeed in it, carry a strict Eye upon the Impertinence of your Servants; take heed that their Ill-humour may not engage you to take Exceptions, or their too much assuming i [...] small matters, raise Consequences which may bring you under great Disadvantage. Remember that in the case of a Royal Bride, those about her are generally so far suspected to bring in a Foreign Interest, that in most Countries they are insensibly reduced to a very small number, and those of so low a Figure, that it doth not admit the being Jealous of them. In little and in the Proportion, this may be the Case of every New married Woman, and therefore it may be more adviseable for you, to gain the Servants you find in a Family, than to tie your self too fast to those you carry into it.
You are not to overlook these small Reflections, because they may appear low and inconsiderable; for it may be said, that as the greatest streams are made up of the small drops at the head of the Springs from whence they are derived, so the greater [Page 34] circumstances of your Life, will be in some degree directed by these seeming trifles, which having the advantage of being the first acts of it, have a greater effect than singly in their own nature they could pretend to.
I will conclude this Article with my Advice, That you would, as much as Nature will give you leave, endeavour to forget the great Indulgence you have found at home. After such a gentle Discipline as you have been under, every thing you dislike will seem the harsher to you. The tenderness we have had for you, My Dear, is of another nature, peculiar to kind Parents, and differing from that which you will meet wi [...]h first in any Family into which you shall be transplanted; and yet they may be very kind too, and afford no justifiable reason to you to complain. You must not be frighted with the first Appearances of a differing Scene; for when you are used to it, you may like the House you go to, better than that you left; and your Husband's Kindness will have so much advantage of ours, that we shall yield [...] all Competition, and as well as we love you, be very well contented to Surrender to such a Rival.
HOVSE, FAMILY, and CHILDREN.
YOU must lay before you, My Dear▪ there are degrees of Care to recommend your self to the World in the several parts of your Life. In many things, though the doing them well may raise your Credit and Esteem, yet the omission of them would draw no immediate reproach upon you: In others, where your duty is more particularly applyed, the neglect of them is amongst those Faults which are not forgiven, and will bring you under a Censure, which will be much a heavier thing than the trouble you would avoid. Of this kind is the Government of your House, Family, and Children, which [...]ince it is the Province allotted to your Sex, and that the discharging it well, will for that reason be expected from you, if you either desert it out of Laziness, or manage it ill for want of skill, instead of a Help you will be an Incumbrance to the Family where you are placed.
I must tell you, that no respect is lasting, but that which is produced by our being in some degree useful to those that pay it. Where that faileth, the Homage and the [Page 36] Reverence go along with it, and fly to others where something may be expected in exchange for them. And upon this principle the respects even of the Children and the Servants will not stay with one that doth not think them worth their Care, and the old House-keeper shall make a better Figure in the Family, than the Lady with all her fine Cloaths, if she wilfully relinquishes her Title to the Government. Therefore take heed of carrying your good Breeding to such a height, as to be good for nothing, and to be proud of it. Some think it hath a great Air to be above troubling their thoughts with such ordinary things as their House and Family; others dare not admit Cares for fear they should hasten Wrinkles? mistaken Pride maketh some think they must keep themselves up, and not descend to these Duties, which do not seem enough refined for great Ladies to be imploy'd in; forgetting all this while, that it is more than the greatest Princes can do, at once to preserve respect, and to neglect their Business. No Age ever erected Altars to insignificant Gods; they had all some quality applied to them to draw worship from Mankind; this maketh it the more unreasonable for a Lady to expect to be consider'd, and at the same time [Page 37] resolve not to deserve it. Good looks alone will not do; they are not such a lasting Tenure, as to be relied upon; and if they should stay longer than they usually do, it will by no means be safe to depend upon them: For when time hath abated the violence of the first liking, and that the Napp is a little worn off, though still a good degree of kindness may remain, Men recover their sight which before might be dazell'd, and allow themselves to object as well as to admire.
In such a Case, when a Husband seeth an empty airy thing sail up and down the House to no kind of purpose, and look as if she came thither only to make a Visit. When he findeth that after her Emptiness hath been extreme busie about some very senseless thing▪ she eats her Breakfast half an hour before Dinner, to be at greater liberty to afflict the Company with her Discourse; then calleth for her Coach, that she may trouble her Acquaintance, who are already cloy'd with her: And having some proper Dialogues ready to display her Foolish Eloquence at the top of the Stairs, she setteth out like a Ship out of the Harbour, laden with trifles and cometh back with them: at her return she repeateth to her faithful waiting Woman, [Page 38] the Triumphs of that day's Impertinence; then wrap'd up in Flattery and clean Linen, goeth to Bed so satisfied, that it throweth her into pleasant Dreams of her own Felicity. Such a one is seldom serious but with her Taylor; her Children and Family may now and then have a random thought, but she never taketh aim but at something very Impertinent. I say, when a Husband, whose Province is without Doors, and to whom the Oeconomy of the House would be in some degree Indecent, findeth no Order nor Quiet in his Family, meeteth with Complaints of all kinds springing from this Root; The Mistaken Lady, who thinketh to make amends for all this, by having a well-chosen Petty Coat, will at last be convinced of her Error, and with grief be forced to undergo the Penalties that belong to those who are willfully Insignificant. When this scurvy hour cometh upon her, she first groweth Angry; then when the time of it is past, would perhaps grow wiser, not remembring that we can no more have Wisdom than Grace, whenever we think fit to call for it. There are Times and Periods fix'd for both; and when they are too long neglected, the Punishment is, that they [Page 39] are Irrecoverable, and nothing remaineth but an useless Grief for the Folly of having thrown them out of our power. You are to think what a mean Figure a Woman maketh, when she is so degraded by her own Fault; whereas there is nothing in those Duties which are expected from you, that can be a lessening to you, except your want of Conduct makes it so. You may love your Children without living in the Nursery, and you may have a competent and discreet care of them, with out letting it▪ break out upon the Company, or exposing your self by turning your Discourse that way, which is a kind of Laying Children to the Parish, and it can hardly be done any where, that those who hear it will be so forgiving, as not to think they are overcharged with them. A Woman's tenderness to her Children is one of the least deceitful Evidences of the Vertue; but yet the way of expressing it, must be subject to the Rules of good Breeding: And though a Woman of Quality ought not to be less kind to them, than Mothers of the Meanest Rank are to theirs, yet she may distinguish her self in the manner, and avoid the course Methods, which in Women of a lower size might be more excusable. You must begin [Page 40] early to make them love you, that they may obey you. This Mixture is no where more necessary than in Children. And I must tell you, that you are not to expect Returns of Kindness from yours, if ever you have any, without Grains of Allowance; and yet it is not so much a defect in their good Nature, as a shortness of Thought in them. Their first Insufficiency maketh them lean so entirely upon their Parents for what is necessary, that the habit of it maketh them continue the same Expectations for what is unreasonable; and as often as they are denied, so often they think they are injured: and whilst their Desires are strong, and their Reasons yet in the Cradle, their Anger looketh no farther than the thing they long for and cannot have; And to be displeased for their own good, is a Maxim they are very [...]low to understand: So that you may conclude, the first Thoughts of your Children will have no small Mixture of Mutiny; which being so natural, you must not be angry, except you would increase it. You must deny them as seldom as you can, and when there is no avoiding it, you must do it gently; you must flatter away their ill Humour, and take the next Opportunity of pleasing [Page 41] them in some other thing, before they either ask or look for it: This will strengthen your Authority, by making it soft to them; and confirm their Obedience, by making it their Interest. You are to have as strict a Guard upon your self amongst your Children, as if you were amongst your Enemies. They are apt to make wrong Inferences, to take Encouragement from half Words, and misapply what you may say or do, so as either to lessen their Duty, or to extend their Liberty farther than is convenient. Let them be more in awe of your Kindness than of your Power. And above all, take heed of supporting a Favourite Child in its Impertinence, which will give Right to the rest of claiming the same Privilege. If you have a divided Number, leave the Boys to the Father's more peculiar Care, that you may with the greater Justice pretend to a more immediate Jurisdiction over those of your own Sex. You are to live so with them, that they may never chuse to avoid you, except when they have offended; and then let them tremble, that they may distinguish: But their Penance must not continue so long as to grow too sowre upon their Stomachs, that it may not harden in stead of correcting them: The [Page 42] kind and severe Part must have their several turns seasonably applied; but your Indulgence is to have the broader mixture, that Love, rather than Fear, may be the Root of their Obedience.
Your Servants are in the next place to be considered; and you must remember not to fall into the mistake of thinking, that because they receive Wages, and are so much Inferiour to you, therefore they are below your Care to know how to manage them. It would be as good Reason for▪ a Master Workman to despise the Wheels of his Engines, because they are made of Wood. These are the Wheels of your Family; and let your Directions be never so faultless, yet if these Engines stop or move wrong, the whole Order of your House is either at a stand, or discomposed. Besides, the Inequality which is between you, must not make you forget, that Nature maketh no such distinction, but that Servants may be looked upon as humble Friends, and that Returns of Kindness and good Vsage are as much due to such of them as deserve it, as their Service is due to us when we require it. A foolish haughtiness in the Style of speaking, or in the manner of commanding them, is in it self very undecent; [Page 43] besides that it begetteth an Aversion in them, of which the least ill Effect to be expected, is, that they will be slow and careless in all that is injoyned them: And you will find it true by your Experience, that you will be so much the more obeyed as you are less Imperious. Be not too hasty in giving your Orders, not too angry when they are not altogether observed; much less are you to be loud, and too much disturbed: An evenness in distinguishing when they do well or ill, is that which will make your Family move by a Rule, and without Noise, and will the better set out your Skill in conducting it with Ease and Silence, that it may be like a well disciplin'd Army; which knoweth how to anticipate the Orders that are fit to be given them. You are never to neglect the Duty of the present Hour, to do another thing, which though it may be better in it self, is not to be unseasonably preferred. Allot well chosen Hours for the Inspection of your Family, which may be so distinguished from the rest of your Time, that the necessary Cares may come in their proper Place, without any Influence upon your good Humour, or Interruption to other things. By these Methods you will put your self [Page 44] in possession of being valued by your Servants, and then their Obedience will naturally follow.
I must not forget one of the greatest Articles belonging to a Family, which is the Expence. It must not be such, as by failing either in the Time or measure of it, may rather draw Censure than gain Applause. If it was well examined, there is more Money given to be laughed at, than for any one thing in the World, though the Purchasers do not think so. A well-stated Rule is like the Line, when that is once pass'd we are under another Pole; so the first straying from a Rule, is a step towards making that which was before a Vertue, to change its Nature, and to grow either into a Vice, or at least an Impertinence. The Art of laying out Money wise'y, is not attained to without a great deal of thought; and it is yet more difficult in the Case of a Wife, who is accountable to her Husband for her mistakes in it. It is not only his Money, his Credit too is at Stake, if what lyeth under the Wife's Care is managed, either with undecent Thrift, or too loose Profusion. You are therefore to keep the Mean between these two Extremes, and it being hardly possible to hold the Balance [Page 45] exactly even, let it rather incline towards the Laberal side as more suitable to your Quality, and less subject to Reproach. Of the two a little Money mispent is sooner recovered, than the Credit which is lost by having it unhandsomely saved; and a Wise Husband will less forgive a shameful piece of Parcimony, than a little Extravagance, if it be not too often repeated. His Mind in this must be your chief Direction; and his Temper, when once known, will in great measure, justifie your part in the management, if he is pleased with it.
In your Clothes avoid too much Gaudy; do not value your self upon an Imbroidered Gown; and remember, that a reasonable Word, or an obliging Look, will gain you more respect, than all your fine Trappings. This is not said to restrain you from a decent Compliance with the World, provided you take the wiser, and not the foolisher part of your Sex for your Pattern. Some distinctions are to be allowed, whilst they are well suited to your Quality and Fortune, and in the distribution of the Expence, it seemeth to me that a full Attendance, and well chosen Ornaments for your House, will make you a better Figure▪ than too much glittering in [Page 46] what you wear, which may with more ease be imitated by those that are below you. Yet this must not tempt you to starve every thing but your own Appartment; or in order to more abundance there, give just cause to the least Servant you have, to complain of the Want of what is necessary. Above all, fix it in your thoughts, as an unchangeable Maxim, That nothing is truly fine but what is fit, and that just so much as is proper for your Circumstances of their several kinds, is much finer than all you can add to it. When you once break through these bounds, you launch into a wide Sea of Extravagance. Every thing will become necessary, because you have a mind to it; and you have a mind to it, not because it is fit for you, but because some body else hath it. This Lady's Logick fetteth Reason upon its Head, by carrying the Rule from things to Persons; and appealing from what is right to every Fool that is in the wrong. The word necessary is miserably applyed, it disordereth Families, and overturneth Governments by being so abused. Remember that Children and Fools want every thing because they want Wit to distinguish: and therefore there is no stronger Evidence of a Crazy Vnderstanding, [Page 47] than the making too large a Catalogue of things necessary, when in truth there are so very few things that have a right to be placed in it. Try every thing first in your Judgment, before you allow it a place in your Desire; else your Husband may think it as necessary for him to deny, as it is for you to have whatever is unreasonable: and if you shall too often give him that advantage, the habit of refusing may perhaps reach to things that are not unfit for you.
There are unthinking Ladies, who do not enough consider, how little their own Figure agreeth with the fine things they are so proud of. Others when they have them will hardly allow them to be visible; they cannot be seen without Light, and that is many times so sawcy and so prying, that like a too forward Gallant it is to be forbid the Chamber. Some, when you are ushered into their Dark Ruelle, it is with such solemnity, that a Man would swear there was something in it, till the Vnskilful Lady breaketh silence, and beginneth a Chat, which discovereth it is a Puppet play with Magnificent Scenes. Many esteem things rather as they are hard to be gotten, than that they are worth getting: This looketh as if they [Page 48] had an Interest to pursue that Maxim, because a great part of their own value dependeth upon it. Truth in these Cases would be often unmannerly, and might derogate from the Prerogative, great Ladies would assume to them selves, of being distinct Creatures from those of their Sex, which are inferiour, and of less difficult access.
In other things too, your Condition must give the rule to you, and therefore it is not a Wife's part to aim at more than a bounded Liberality; the farther extent of that Quality (otherwise to be commended) belongeth to the Husband, who hath better means for it. Generosity wrong placed becometh a Vice. It is no more a Vertue when it groweth into an Inconvenience, Vertues must be inlarged or restrained according to differing Circumstances. A Princely Mind will undo a private Family: Therefore things must be suited, or else they will not deserve to be Commended, let them in themselves be never so valuable: And the Expectations of the World are best answered when we acquit our selves in that manner which seemeth to be prescribed to our several Conditions, without usurping upon those Duties, which do not so particularly belong to us.
[Page 49] I will close the consideration of this Article of Expence, with this short word. Do not fetter your self with such a Restraint in it as may make you Remarkable; but remember that Vertue is the greatest Ornament, and good Sence the best Equipage.
BEHAVIOUR and CONVERSATION.
IT is time now to lead you out of your House into the World. A Dangerous step; where your Vertue alone will not secure you, except it is attended with a great deal of Prudence. You must have both for your Guard, and not stir without them. The Enemy is abroad, and you are sure to be taken, if you are found stragling. Your Behaviour is therefore to incline strongly towards the Reserved part; your Character is to be immoveably fixed upon that Bottom, not excluding a mixture of greater freedom, as far as it may be innocent and well timed. The Extravagancies of the Age have made Caution more necessary; and by the same [Page 50] reason that the too great Licence of ill Men hath by Consequence in many things restrained the Lawful Liberty of those who did not abuse it, the unjustifiable Freedoms of some of your Sex have involved the rest in the Penalty of being reduced. And though this cannot so alter the Nature of things, as to make that Criminal, which in it self is Indifferent; yet if it maketh it dangerous, that alone is sufficient to justifie the Restraint. A close behaviour is the fittest to receive Vertue for its constant Guest, because there, and there only, it can be secure. Proper Reserves are the Outworks, and must never be deserted by those who intend to keep the Place; they keep off the possibilities not only of being taken, but of being attempted; and if a Woman seeth Danger tho at never so remote a Distance, she is for that time to shorten her Line of Liberty. She who will allow her self to go to the utmost Extent of every thing that is Lawful, is so very near going farther, that those who lie at watch, will begin to count upon her.
Mankind, from the double temptation of Vanity and Desire, is apt to turn every thing a Woman doth to the hopeful side; and there are few who dare make an impudent [Page 51] Application, till they discern something which they are willing to take for an Encouragement. It is safer therefore to prevent such Forwardness, than to go about to cure it. It gathereth Strength by the first allowances, and claimeth a Right from having been at any time suffered with Impunity. Therefore nothing is with more care to be avoided, than such a kind of Civility as may be mistaken for Invitation; and it will not be enough for you to keep your self free from any criminal Engagements; for if you do that which either raiseth Hopes or createth Discourse, there is a Spot thrown upon your Good Name; and those kind of Stains are the harder to be taken out, being dropped upon you by the Man's Vanity, as well as by the Woman's Malice.
Most Men are in one sence Platonick Lovers, though they are not willing to own that Character. They are so far Philosophers, as to allow, that the greatest part of Pleasure lieth in the Mind; and in pursuance of that Maxim, there are few who do not place the Felicity more in the Opinion of the World, of their being prosperous Lovers, than in the Blessing it self, how much soever they appear to value it. The being so, you must be very cautious not to [Page 52] gratifie these Cameleons at the price of bringing a Cloud upon your Reputation▪ which may be deeply wounded, tho your Conscience is unconcerned.
Your own Sex too will not fail to help the least Appearance that giveth a Handle▪ to be ill-turned. The best of them will not be displeased to improve their own Value, by laying others under a Disadvantage, when there is a fair Occasion give for it. It distinguisheth them still the more their own Credit is more exalted, and, like a Picture set off with Shades, shineth more when a Lady, either less Innocent, or le [...] Discreet is set near, to make them appear so much the brighter. If these lend thei [...] Breath to blast such as are so unwary as to give them this Advantage, you may be sure there will be a stronger Gale from those, who, besides Malice or Emulation have an Interest too, to strike hard upon a Vertuous Woman. It seemeth to them, tha [...] their Load of Infamy is lessened, by throwing part, of it upon others: So that they will not only improve when it lieth in thei [...] way, but take pains to find out the least mistake an Innocent Woman committeth, i [...] Revenge of the Injury she doth in leading a Life which is a Reproach to them. With these you must be extreme wary, and neither [Page 53] provoke them to be angry, nor invite them to be Intimate.
To the Men you are to have a Behaviour which may secure you, without offending them. No ill-bred affected Shyness, nor a Roughness, unsuitable to your Sex, and unnecessary to your Vertue; but a way of Living that may prevent all course Railleries or unmannerly Freedoms; Looks that forbid without Rudeness, and oblige without Invitation, or leaving room for the sawcy Inferences Men's Vanity suggesteth to them upon the least Encouragements. This is so very nice, that it must engage you to have a perpetual Watch upon your Eyes, and to remember, that one careless Glance giveth more advantage than a hundred Words not enough considered; the Language of the Eyes being very much the most significant, and the most observed.
Your Civility, which is always to be preserved, must not be carried to a Compliance, which may betray you into irrecoverable Mistakes. This French ambiguous word Complaisance hath led your Sex into more blame, than all other things put together. It carrieth them by degrees into a certain thing called a good kind of Woman, an easie Idle Creature, that doth neither Good nor Ill but by chance, hath no Choice, but [Page 54] leaveth that to the Company she keepeth▪ Time, which by degrees addeth to the signification of Words, hath made her, according to the Modern Stile, little better than one who thinketh it a Rudeness to deny when civilly required, either her Service in Person, or her friendly Assistance, to those who would have a meeting, or want a Confident. She is a certain thing always at hand, an easie Companion, who hath ever great Compassion for distressed Lovers: She censureth nothing but Rigor, and is never without a Plaister for a wounded Reputation, in which chiefly lieth her Skill in Chirurgery; She seldom hath the Propriety of any particular Gallant, but liveth upon Brokage, and waiteth for the Scraps her Friends are content to leave her.
There is another Character not quite so Criminal, yet not less Ridiculous; which is that of a good-humour'd Woman, one who thinketh she must always be in a Laugh, or a broad Smile, because Good-humour is an obliging Quality; thinketh it less ill-manners to talk Impertinently, than to be silent in Company. When such a prating Engine rideth Admiral, and carrieth the Lantern, in a Circle of Fools, a cheerful Concomb coming in for a Recruit, the Chattering of Monkeys is a better noise than such a [Page 55] Concert of senceless Merriment. If she is applauded in it, she is so encouraged, that, like a Ballad singer, who if commanded, breaketh his Lungs, she letteth her self loose, and overfloweth upon the Company. She conceiveth that Mirth is to have no intermission, and therefore she will carry it about with her, though it be to a Funeral; and if a Man should put a familiar Question, she doth not know very well how to be angry, for then she would be no more that pretty thing called a Good humour'd Woman. This necessity of appearing at all times to be so infinitely pleased is a grievous mistake; since in a handsom Woman that Invitation is unnecessary; and in one who is not so, ridiculous. It is not intended by this, that you should forswear Laughing; but remember, that Fools being always painted in that posture, it may fright those who are wise from doing it too frequently, and going too near a Copy which is so little inviting, and much more from doing it loud, which is an unnatural Sound and looketh so much like another Sex, that few things are more offensive. That boilterous kind of Jollity is as contrary to Wit and Good Manners, as it is to Modesty and Vertue. Besides, it is a course kind of quality, that throweth a [Page 56] Woman into a lower Form, and degradeth her from the Rank of those who are more refined. Some Ladies speak loud and make a noise to be the more minded, which looketh as if they beat their Drums for Volunteers, and if by misfortune none come in to them, they may, not without reason, be a good deal out of Countenance.
There is one thing, yet more to be avoided, which is the Example of those who intend nothing farther than the Vanity of Conquest, and think themselves secure of not having their Honour tainted by it. Some are apt to believe their Vertue is too Obscure, and not enough known, except it is exposed to a broader Light, and set out to its best advantage, by some publick Trials. These are dangerous experiments, and generally fail, being built upon so weak a foundation, as that of a too great Confidence in our selves. It is as safe to play with Fire, as to daily with Gallantry. Love is a Passion that hath Friends in the Garrison, and for that reason must by a Woman be kept at such a distance, that she may not be within the danger of doing the most usual thing in the World which is conspiring against her Self: Else the humble Gallant, who is only admitted as a Trophy, very often becometh [Page 57] the Conquerour; he putteth on the style of victory, and from an Admirer groweth into a Master, for so he may be called from the moment he is in Possession. The first Resolutions of stopping at good Opinion and Esteem, grow weaker by degrees against the Charms of Courtship skilfully applied. A Lady is apt to think a Man speaketh so much reason whilst he is Commending her, that she hath much ado to believe him in the wrong when he is making Love to her: And when besides the natural Inducements your Sex hath to be merciful, she is bribed by well chosen Flattery, the poor Creature is in danger of being caught like a Bird listening to the Whilstle of one that hath a Snare for it. Conquest is so tempting a thing, that it often maketh Women mistake Men's Submissions; which with all their fair Appearance, have generally less, Respect than Art in them. You are to remember, that Men who say extreme fine things, many times say them most for their own sakes; and that the vain Gallant is often as well pleased with his own Compliments, as he could be with the kindest answer. Where there is not that Ostentation you are to suspect there is Design, And as strong perfumes are seldom used [Page 58] but where they are necessary to smother an unwelcome scent; so Excessive good Words leave room to believe they are strewed to cover something, which is to gain admittance under a Disguise. You must therefore be upon your Guard, and consider, that of the two, Respect is more dangerous than Anger. It puts even the best Understandings out of their place for the time, till their second thoughts restore them; it stealeth upon us insensibly, throweth down our Defences, and maketh it too late to resist, after we have given it that advantage. Whereas railing goeth away in sound; it hath so much noise in it, that by giving warning it bespeaketh Caution. Respect is a slow and a sure Poison, and like Poison swelleth us within our selves. Where it prevaileth too much, it groweth to be a kind of Apoplexie in the Mind, turneth it quite round, and after it hath once seized the understanding, becometh mortal to it. For these reasons, the safest way is to treat it like a sly Enemy, and to be perpetually upon the watch against it.
I will add one Advice to conclude this head, which is that you will let every seven years make some alteration in you towards the Graver side, and not be like the Girls of Fifty, who resolve to be always Young, [Page 59] whatever Time with his Iron Teeth hath determined to the contrary. Unnatural things carry a Deformity in them never to be Disguised; the Liveliness of Youth in a riper Age, looketh like a new patch upon an old Gown; so that a Gay Matron, a cheerful old Fool may be reasonably put into the List of the Tamer kind of Monsters. There is a certain Creature call'd a Grave Hobby-Horse, a kind of a she Numps, that pretendeth to be pulled to a Play, and must needs go to Bartholomew-Fair, to look after the young Folks, whom she only seemeth to make her care, in reality she taketh them for her excuse. Such an old Butterfly is of all Creatures, the most ridiculous, and the soonest found out. It is good to be early in your Caution, to avoid any thing that cometh within distance of such despicable Patterns, and not like some Ladies, who defer their Conversion, till they have been so long in possession of being laughed at, that the World doth not know how to change their style, even when they are reclaimed from that which gave the first occasion for it.
The advantages of being reserved are too many to be set down, I will only say, that it is a Guard to a good Woman, and a Disguise to an ill one. It is of so much use [Page 60] to both, that those ought to use it as an Artifice, who refuse to practise it as a Vertue.
FRIENDSHIPS.
I Must in a particular manner recommend to you a strict Care in the Choice of your Friendships. Perhaps the best are not without their Objections, but however, be sure that yours may not stray from the Rules which the wiser part of the World hath set to them. The Leagues Offensive and Defensive, seldom hold in Politicks, and much less in Friendships. The violent Intimacies, when once broken, of which they scarce ever fail, make such a Noise; the Bag of Secrets untied, they fly about like Birds let loose from a Cage, and become the Entertainment of the Town. Besides, these great Dearnesses by degrees grow Injurious to the rest of your Acquaintance, and throw them off from you. There is such an Offensive Distinction when the Dear Friend cometh into the Room, that it is flinging Stones at the Company, who are not ape to forgive it.
[Page 61] Do not lay out your Friendship too lavishly at first, since it will, like other things, be so much the sooner spent; neither let it be of too sudden a growth; for as the Plants which shoot up too fast are not of that continuance, as those which take more time for it; so too swift a Progress in pouring out your Kindness, is a certain Sign that by the Course of Nature it will not be long-lived. You will be responsible to the World, if you pitch upon such Friends as at the time are under the weight of any Criminal Objection. In that case you will bring your self under the disadvantages of their Character, and must bear your part of it. Chusing implieth Approving; and if you fix upon a Lady for your Friend against whom the World shall have given Judgment, 'tis not so well natur'd as to believe you are altogether averse to her way of living, since it doth not discourage you from Admitting her into your Kindness. And Resemblance of Inclinations being thought none of the least Inducements to Friendship, you will be looked upon at least as a Well-wisher if not a Partner with her in her Faults. If you can forgive them in another, it may be presumed you will not be less gentle to your self; and therefore you must not [Page 62] take it ill, if you are reckoned a Croupiere, and condemned to pay an equal Share with such a Friend of the Reputation she hath lost.
If it happeneth that your Friend should fall from the State of Innocence after your Kindness was engaged to her, you may be slow in your belief in the beginning of the Discovery: But as soon as you are convinced by a Rational Evidence, you must, without breaking too roughly, make a far and a quick Retreat from such a Mistaken Acquaintance: Else by moving too slowly from one that is so tainted, the Contagion may reach you so far as to give you part of the Scandal, though not of the Guilt. This Matter is so nice, that as you must not be too hasty to joyn in the Censure upon your Friend when she is accused, so you are not on the other side to defend her with too much warmth; for if she should happen to deserve the Report of Common Fame, besides the Vexation that belongeth to such a mistake, you will draw an ill appearance upon your self, and it will be thought you pleaded for her not without some Consideration of your self. The Anger which must be put on to vindicate the Reputation of an injured Friend, may incline the Company to suspect you would not be [Page 63] so zealous, if there was not a possibility that the Case might be your own. For this reason you are not to carry your dearness so far, as absolutely to lose your Sight where your Friend is concerned. Because Malice, is too quick sighted, it doth not follow, that Friendship must be blind: There is to be a Mean between these two Extremes, else your Excess of Good Nature may betray you into a very ridiculous Figure, and by degrees who may be preferr'd to such Offices as you will not be proud of. Your Ignorance may lessen the Guilt, but will improve the Jest upon you, who shall be kindly sollicitous to procure a Meeting, and innocently contribute to the ills you would avoid: Whilest the Contriving Lovers, when they are alone, shall make you the Subject of their Mirth, and perhaps (with respect to the Goddess of Love be it spoken) it is not the worst part of their Entertainment, at least it is the most lasting, to laugh at the believing Friend, who was so easily deluded.
Let the good Sence of your Friends be a chief Ingredient in your Choice of them; else let your Reputation be never so clear, it may be clouded by their Impertinence. It is like our Houses being in the Power of a Drunken or a Careless Neighbour; only [Page 64] so much worse, as that there will be no Insurance here to make you amends, as there is in the Case of Fire.
To conclude this Paragraph; If Formality is to be allowed in any Instance, it is to be put on to resist the Invasion of such forward Women as shall press themselves into your Friendship, where if admitted, they will either be a Snare or an Incumbrance.
CENSVRE.
I will come next to the Consideration, how you are to manage your Censure; in which both Care and skill will be a good deal required. To distinguish is not only natural but necessary; and the Effect of it is, That we cannot avoid giving Judgment in our Minds, either to absolve or to condemn as the Case requireth. The Difficulty is, to know when and where it is fit to proclaim the Sentence. An Aversion to what is Criminal, a Contempt of what is ridiculous, are the inseparable Companions of Understanding and Vertue; but die letting them go farther than our own Thoughts, hath so much danger in it, that though it [Page 65] is neither possible nor fit to suppress them intirely, yet it is necessary they should be kept under very great Restraints. An unlimited Liberty of this kind is little less than sending a Herald and proclaiming War to the World, which is an angry Beast when so provoked. The Contest will be unequal; though you are never so much in the right; and if you begin against such an Adversary, it will tear you in pieces, with this Justification, That it is done in its own defence. You must therefore take heed of Laughing, except in Company that is very sure. It is throwing Snow-balls against Bullets; and it is the disadvantage of a Woman, that the Malice of the World will help the Brutality of those who will throw a slovenly Vntruth upon her. You are for this Reason to suppress your Impatience for Fools; who besides that they are too strong a Party to be unnecessarily provoked, are of all others, the most dangerous in this Case. A Blockhead in his Rage will return a dull Jest that will lie heavy, though there is not a Grain of Wit in it. Others will do it with more Art, and you must not think your self secure because your Reputation may perhaps be out of the reach of Ill will; for if it findeth that part guarded, it will seek one which is [Page 66] more exposed. It flieth, like a corrupt Humour in the Body, to the weakest Part. If you have a tender Side, the World will be sure to find it, and to put the worst Colour upon all you say or do, give an Aggravation to every thing that may lessen you, and a Spiteful turn to every thing that might recommend you. Anger laieth open those Defects which Friendship would not see, and Civility might be willing to forget. Malice needeth no such Invitation to encourage it, neither are any Pains more superfluous than those we take to be ill spoken of. If Envy, which never dyeth, and seldom sleepeth, is content sometimes to be in a Slumber, it is very unskilful to make a noise to awake it.
Besides, your Wit will be misapplied if it is wholly directed to discern the Faults of others, when it is so necessary to be often used to mend and prevent your own. The sending our Thoughts too much abroad, hath the same Effect, as when a Family never stayeth at home; Neglect and Disorder naturally followeth; as it must do within our selves, if we do not frequently turn our Eyes inwards, to see what is amiss with us, where it is a sign we have an unwelcome Prospect, when we do not care to look upon it, but rather seek our Consolations [Page 67] in the Faults of those we converse with.
Avoid being the first in fixing a hard Censure, let it be confirmed by the general Voice, before you give into it; Neither are you then to give Sentence like a Magistrate, or as if you had a special Authority to bestow a good or ill Name at your discretion. Do not dwell too long upon a weak Side, touch and go away; take pleasure to stay longer where you can commend, like Bees that fix only upon those Herbs out of which they may extract the Juice of which their Honey is composed. A Vertue stuck with Bristles is too rough for this Age; it must be adorned with some Flowers, or else it will be unwillingly entertained; so that even where it may be fit to strike, do it like a Lady, gently; and assure your self, that where you care to do it, you will wound others more, and hurt your self less, by soft Strokes, than by being harsh or violent.
The Triumph of Wit is to make your good. Nature subdue your Censure; to be quick in seeing Faults, and slow in exposing them. You are to consider, that the invisible thing called a Good Name, is made up of the Breath of Numbers that speak well of you; so that if by a disobliging Word [Page 68] you silence the meanest, the Gale will be less strong which is to bear up your Esteem. And though nothing is so vain as the eager pursuit of empty Applause, yet to be well thought of, and to be kindly used by the World, is like a Glory about a Womans Head; 'tis a Perfume she carrieth about with her, and leaveth where-ever she goeth; 'tis a Charm against Ill-will. Malice may empty her Quiver, but cannot wound; the Dirt will not stick, the Jests will not take; Without the consent of the World a Scandal doth not go deep; it is only a slight stroak upon the injured Party and returneth with the greater force upon those that gave it.
VANITY AND AFFECTATION.
I Must with more than ordinary earnestness give you Caution against Vanity, it being the Fault to which your Sex seemeth to be the most inclined; and since Affectation for the most part attendeth it, I do not know how to divide them. I will not call them Twins, because more properly Vanity is the Mother, and Affectation is the Darling Daughter; Vanity is the Sin, and [Page 69] Affectation is the Punishment; the first may be called the Root of Self-Love, the other the Fruit. Vanity is never at its full growth till it spreadeth into Affectation, and then it is compleat.
Not to dwell any longer upon the definition of them, I will pass to the means and motives to avoid them. In order to it, you are to consider, that the World challengeth the right of distributing Esteem and Applause; so that where any assume by their single Authority to be their own Carvers, it groweth angry, and never faileth to seek Revenge. And if we may measure a Fault by the greatness of the Penalty, there are few of a higher size than Vanity, as there is scarce a Punishment which can be heavier than that of being laughed at.
Vanity maketh a Woman tainted with it, so top full of her self, that she spilleth it upon the Company. And because her own thoughts are intirely imployed in Self-Contemplation; she endeavoureth, by a cruel Mistake, to confine her Acquaintance to the same narrow Circle of that which only concerneth her Ladiship, forgetting that she is not of half that Importance to the World, that she is to her self, so mistaken she is in her Value, by being her own Appraiser. [Page 70] She will fetch such a Compass in Discourse to bring in her beloved Self, and rather than fail, her fine Petty-Coat, that there can hardly be a better Scene than such a Tryal of ridiculous Ingenuity. It is a Pleasure to see her Angle for Commendations, and rise so dissatisfied with the Ill-bread Company, if they will not bite. To observe her throwing her Eyes about to fetch in Prisoners, arid go about Cruizing like a Privateer, and so out or Countenance, if she return without Booty, is no ill piece of Comedy. She is so eager to draw respect, that the always misseth it, yet thinketh it so much her due, that when she faileth she groweth waspish, not considering, that it is impossible to commit a Rape upon the will; that it must be fairly gained, and will not be taken by Storm; and that in this Case, the Tax ever riseth highest by a Benevolence. If the World instead of admiring her Imaginary Excellencies, taketh the Liberty to laugh at them, she appealeth from it to her self, for whom she giveth Sentence, and proclaimeth it in all Companies. On the other side, if incouraged by a Civil Word, she is so obliging, that she will give thanks for being laughed at in good Language. She taketh a Compliment for a Demonstration, and setteth it [Page 71] up as an Evidence, even against her Looking-Glass. But the good Lady being all this while in a most profound Ignorance of her self, forgetteth that Men would not let her talk upon them, and throw so many senseless words at their head, if they did not intend to put her Person to Fine and Ransom, for her Impertinence. Good words of any other Lady, are so many Stones thrown at her, she can by no means bear them, they make her so uneasie, that she cannot keep her Seat, but up she riseth and goeth home half burst with Anger and Strait-Lacing. If by great chance she saith any thing that hath sence in it, she expecteth such an Excessive rate of Commendations, that to her thinking the Company ever riseth in her Debt. She looketh upon Rules as things made for the common People, and not for Persons of her Rank; and this Opinion sometimes tempteth her to Extend her Prerogative to the dispencing with the commandments. If by great Fortune she happeneth, in spite of her Vanity, to be honest, she is so troublesome with it, that as far as in her lieth, she maketh a scurvy thing of it. Her bragging of her Vertue, looketh as if it cost her so much pains to get the better of her Self, that the Inferences are very ridiculous. Her good Humour [Page 72] is generally applied to the laughing at good Sense. It would do one good to see how heartily she despiseth any thing that is fit for her to do. The greatest part of her Fancy is laid out in chusing her Gown, as her Discretion is chiefly imploy'd in not paying for it. She is faithful to the Fashion, to which not only her Opinion, but her Senses are wholly resigned: so obsequious she is to it, that she would be ready to be reconciled even to Vertue with all its Faults, if she had her Dancing Master's Word that it was practis'd at Court.
To a Woman so compos'd when Affectation cometh in to improve her Character, it is then raised to the highest Perfection. She first setteth up for a Fine thing, and for that Reason will distinguish her self, right or wrong, in every thing she doth. She would have it thought that she is made of so much the finer Clay, and so much more sifted than ordinary, that she hath no common Earth about her. To this end she must neither move nor speak like other Women, because it would be vulgar; and therefore must have a Language of her own, since ordinary English is too course for her. The Looking-gloss in the Morning dictateth to her all the Motions of the Day, which by how much the more studied, [Page 73] are so much the more mistaken. She cometh into a Room as if her Limbs were set on with ill-made Screws, which maketh the Company fear the pretty thing should leave some of its artificial Person upon the Floor. She doth not like her self as God Almighty made her, but will have some of her own Workmanship; which is so far from making her a better thing than a Woman, that it turneth her into a worse Creature than a Monkey. She falleth out with Nature, against which she maketh War without admitting a Truce, those Moments excepted in which her Gallant may reconcile her to it. When she hath a mind to be soft and languishing, there is somthing so unnatural in that affected Easiness, that her Frowns could not be by many degrees so forbidden. When she would appear unreasonably humble, one may see she is so excessively proud, that there is no enduring it. There is such an impertinent Smile, such a satisfied Simper, when she faintly disowneth some fulsom Commendation a Man hapneth to bestow upon her against his Conscience, that her Thanks for it are more visible under such a thin Disguise, than they could be if she should print them. If a handsomer Woman taketh any liberty of Dressing out of the ordinary [Page 74] Rules the mistaken Lady followeth, without distinguishing the unequal Pattern, and maketh her self uglier by an example misplaced; either forgetting the Privilege of good Looks in another, or presuming, without sufficient reason upon her own. Her Discourse is a senseless Chime of empty Words, a heap of Compliments so equally applied to differing Persons, that they are neither valu'd nor believ'd. Her Eyes keep pace with her Tongue, and are therefore always in motion. One may discern that they generally incline to the compassionate side, and that, notwithstanding her pretence to Vertue, she is gentle to distressed Lovers, and Ladies that are merciful. She will repeat the tender part of a Play so feelingly, that the Company may guess, without Injustice, she was not altogether a disinteressed Spectator. She thinketh that Paint and Sin are concealed by railing at them. Upon the latter she is less hard, and being divided between the two opposite Prides of her Beauty and her Vertue, she is often tempted to give broad Hints that some body is dying for her; and of the two she is less unwilling to let the World think she may be sometimes profan'd, than that she is never worshipped.
[Page 75] Very great Beauty may perhaps so dazle for a time, that Men may not so clearly see the Deformity of these Affectations; But when the Brightness goeth off, and that the Lover's Eyes are by that means set at liberty to see things as they are, he will naturally return to his Senses, and recover the Mistake into which the Lady's good Looks had at first engaged him. And being once undeceived, ceaseth to worship that as a Goddess, which he seeth is only an artificial Shrine moved by Wheels and Springs, to delude him. Such Women please only like the first Opening of a Scene, that hath nothing to recommend it but the being new. They may be compared to Flies, that have pretty shining Wings for two or three hot Months, but the first cold Weather maketh an end of them; so the latter Season of these fluttering Creatures is dismal: From their nearest Friends they receive a very faint Respect; from the rest of the World, the utmost degree of contempt.
Let this Picture supply the place of any other Rules which might be given to prevent your resemblance to it, The Deformity of it, well considered, is Instruction enough; from the same reason, that the sight of a Drunkard is a better Sermon against [Page 76] that Vice, than the best that was ever preach'd upon that Subject.
PRIDE.
AFter having said this against Vanity, I do not intend to apply the same Censure to Pride, well placed, and rightly defined. It is an ambiguous Word; one kind of it is as much a Vertue, as the other is a Vice: But we are naturally so apt to chuse the worst, that it is become dangerous to commend the best side of it.
A Woman is not to be proud of her fine Gown; nor when she hath less Wit than her Neighbours, to comfort her self that she hath more Lace. Some Ladies put so much weight upon Ornaments, that if one could see into their Hearts, it would be found, that even the Thought of Death is made less heavy to them by the contemplation of their being laid out in State, and honourably attended to the Grave. One may come a good deal short of such an Extream, and yet still be sufficiently Impertinent, by setting a wrong Value upon things, which ought to be used with more indifference. A Lady must not appear sollicitous [Page 77] to ingross Respect to her self, but be content with a reasonable Distribution, and allow it to others, that she may have it returned to her. She is not to be troublesomly nice, nor distinguish her self by being too delicate, as if ordinary things were too course for her; this is an unmannerly and an offensive Pride, and where it is practised, deserveth to be mortified, of which it seldom faileth. She is not to lean too much upon her Quality, much less to despise those who are below it. Some make Quality an Idol, and then their Reason must fall down and Worship it. They would have the World think, that no amends can ever be made for the want of a great Title, or an ancient Coat of Arms: They imagine, that with these advantages they stand upon the higher Ground, which maketh them look down upon Merit and Vertue, as things inferiour to them. This mistake is not only senseless, but criminal too, in putting a greater Price upon that which is a piece of good luck, than upon things which are valuable in themselves. Laughing is not enough for such a Folly; it must be severely whipped, as it justly deserves. It will be confessed, there are frequent Temptations given by pert Vpstarts to be angry, and by that to have our Judgments corrupted in [Page 78] these Cases: But they are to be resisted; and the utmost that is to be allowed, is, when those of a new Edition will forget themselves, so as either to brag of their weak side, or to endeavour to hide their Meanness by their Insolence, to cure them by a little seasonable Raillery, a little Sharpness well placed, without dwelling too long upon it.
These and many other kinds of Pride are to be avoided.
That which is to be recommended to you, is an Emulation to raise your self to a Character, by which you may be distinguished; an Eagerness for precedence in Vertue, and all such other things as may gain you a greater share of the good opinion of the World. Esteem to Vertue is like a cherishing Air to Plants and Flowers, which maketh them blow and prosper; and for that reason it may be allowed to be in some degree the Cause as well as the Reward of it. That Pride which leadeth to a good End, cannot be a Vice, since it is the beginning of a Vertue; and to be pleased with just Applause, is so far from a Fault, that it would be an ill Symptom in a Woman, who should not place the greatest part of her Satisfaction in it. Humility is no doubt a great Vertue; but it ceaseth to [Page 79] be so, when it is afraid to scorn an ill thing. Against Vice and Folly it is becoming your Sex to be haughty; but you must not carry the Contempt of things to Arrogance towards Persons, and it must be done with fitting Distinctions, else it may be Inconvenient by being unseasonable. A Pride that raiseth a little Anger to be out-done in any thing that is good, will have so good an Effect, that it is very hard to allow it to be a Fault.
It is no easie matter to carry even between these differing kinds so described; but remember that it is safer for a Woman to be thought too proud, than too familiar.
DIVERSIONS.
THE last thing I shall recommend to you, is a wise and a safe method of using Diversions. To be too eager in the pursuit of Pleasure whilst you are Young, is dangerous; to catch at it in riper Years, is grasping a shadow; it will not be held. Besides that by being less natural it groweth to be indecent. Diversions are the most properly applied, to ease and relieve those who are Oppressed, by being too much imployed. [Page 80] Those that are Idle have no need of them, and yet they, above all others, give themselves up to them. To unbend our Thoughts, when they are too much stretched by our Cares, is not more natural than it is necessary, but to turn our whole Life into a Holy day, is not only ridiculous, but destroyeth Pleasure instead of promoting it. The Mind like the Body is tired by being always in one Posture, too serious breaketh, and too diverting looseneth it: It is Variety that giveth the Relish; so that Diversions too frequently repeated, grow first to be indifferent, and at last tedious. Whilst they are well chosen and well timed, they are never to be blamed; but when they are used to an Excess, though very Innocent at first, they often grow to be Criminal, and never fail to be Impertinent.
Some Ladies are bespoken for Merry Meetings, as Bessus was for Duels. They are ingaged in a Circle of Idleness, where they turn round for the whole Year, without the Interruption of a serious Hour, They know all the Players Names, and are Intimately acquainted with all the Booths in Bartholomew-Fair. No Soldier is more Obedient to the sound of his Captain's Trumpet, than they are to that which summoneth them to a Puppet-Play or a Monster. The [Page 81] Spring that bringeth out Flies, and Fools, maketh them Inhabitants in Hide-Park; in the Winter they are an Incumbrance to the Play House, and the Ballast of the Drawing-Room. The Streets all this while are so weary of these daily Faces, that Men's Eyes are over-laid with them. The Sight is glutted with fine things, as the Stomach with sweet ones; and when a fair Lady will give too much of her self to the World, she groweth luscious, and oppresseth instead of pleasing. These Jolly Ladies do so continually seek Diversion, that in a little time they grow into a Jest, yet are unwilling to remember, that if they were seldomer seen they would not be so often laughed at. Besides they make themselves Cheap, than which there cannot be an unkinder word bestowed upon your Sex.
To play sometimes, to entertain Company, or to divert your self, is not to be disallowed, but to do it so often as to be called a Gamester, is to be avoided, next to the things that are most Criminal. It hath Consequences of several kinds not to be endured; it will ingage you into a habit of Idleness and ill hours, draw you into ill mixed Company, make you neglect your Civilities abroad, and your Business at home, and impose into your Acquaintance such as will do you no Credit.
[Page 82] To deep Play there will be yet greater Objections. It will give Occasion to the World to ask spiteful Questions. How you dare venture to lose, and what means you have to pay such great summs? If you pay exactly, it will be enquired from whence the Money cometh? If you owe, and especially to a Man, you must be so very Civil to him for his forbearance, that it layeth a ground of having it farther improved; if the Gentleman is so disposed; who will be thought no unfair Creditor, if where the Estate saileth he seizeth upon the Person. Besides if a Lady could see her own Face upon an ill Game, at a deep Stake, she would certainly forswear any thing that could put her looks under such a Disadvantage.
To Dance sometimes will not be imputed to you as a fault; but remember that the end of your Learning it, was, that you might the better know how to move gracefully. It is only an advantage so far. When it goeth beyond it, one may call it excelling in a Mistake, which is no very great Commendation. It is better for a Woman never to Dance, because she hath no skill. in it, that to do it too often, because she doth it well. The easiest as well as the safest Method of doing it, is in private Companies, amongst particular Friends, and then carelesly, like a [Page 83] Diversion, rather than with Solemnity, as if it was a business, or had any thing in it to deserve a Month's preparation by serious Conference with a Dancing-Master.
Much more might be said to all these Heads, and many more might be added to them. But I must restrain my Thoughts, which are full of my Dear Child, and would overflow into a Volume, which would not be fit for a New-Years-Gift. I will conclude with my warmest Wishes for all that is good to you. That you may live so as to be an Ornament to your Family, and a Pattern to your Sex. That you may be blessed with a Husband that may value, and with Children that may inherit your Vertue; That you may shine in the World by a true Light, and silence Envy by deserving to be esteemed; That Wit and Vertue may both conspire to make you a great Figure. When they are separated, the first is so empty, and the other so saint, that they scarce have right to be commended. May they therefore meet and never part; let them be your Guardian Angels, and be sure never to stray out of the distance of their joint protection. May you so raise your Character, that you may help to make the next Age a better thing, and leave Posterity in your Debt for the advantage it shall receive by your Example
[Page 84] Let me conjure you, My Dearest, to comply with this kind Ambition of a Father, whose Thoughts are so ingaged in your behalf, that he reckoneth your Happiness to be the greatest part of his own.