GEntlemen, this is to let you understand, that I do not in­tend to make you a Sermon at this merry Fair, according to the custom: for truly, Gentlemen, I have not yet my Orders; but I hope by the next Horn Fair I shall be as ready for you, as any Citizens Wise, at Horn Fair can be ready for a Hey hoe my El­bow itches.

Well it is no matter, because I have not a sermon ready for you: you shall hear a Story shall be worth fif­téen. Hold a little, let me snuff my Candle, hers is a pure light.

Come who buyes my Horns? who buyes my Horns?

Satand by Gentlemen, let me look about me, yonder comes a pure Com­pany: I hope we shall have a gal­lant Fair, here is a fine day, and my Candle burns very clear.

Hold, hold what is yonder to do? What, no less then nine Coaches altogether? I pray let me look tho­row one of my Horns, and I can soon discover them: Oh here is a pure light. What a gallant Company is here? Eome along you pretty Ladies of London, I have for every one of you a new fashion Fan made of a pure Horn: come along all you pretty wit­ty Dames of Southwark walking for Horn fair, here is dainty content I promise you.

O strange! Stand back, here is a sight indéed; pray take héed of your seldes. war Horns. What? nine se­veral sorts of Cullabinds, and all together: Hold, hold, I am mista­ken, I mean nine severall sorts of Cuckolds: bless my Horns to day for I am sure there is some that can pocket up such things, and never go to the Court to make Proclametion: [Page]O pure Creatures! Kit the conten­ted Cuckold, and Debora Do-it, his Wife. I do profess she is a pretty winking Rogue; sée how she winks of one eye at yonder Ruffeling Blade: for all his long Cuckabsard, his powdered hair? I am perswa­ded he is one of my fellow Horn-ma­kers, and now he must go to the Ta­dern to play a Game at Tick-tack. I dare not speak out. But it is no matter; for while she is a playing one Game, he can take two pipes of Tobacco in the Ritchen. And truly he sées nothing: but he hath the best Wifs in all London; for there is ne­ver a night that he goes to Supper, but he has ready provided a notable Coves-head, and sometimes a Wood­cock, Nay she has a great care on him besides that; for she makes sure to provide him a good new Cap to put on his head, of her own making: but I am sure it had néed be a great wide one, or else it will never come low enough for to hide his, Hee he, let me snuff my Candle, here is a pure light.

Nay yonder comes another couple What more Gamesters yet? What Will the Weader, a kind Cuckold, and Winisred his Wife, sée how neat­ly she trips it out: Sée how kind the Cuckold is; for he is a fraid she should fall, and that makes him lead her so by the right arm: O but she is as kind as he, for I will assure you that before Horn Fair be done, she will be as bufie with some Gallant; for if she but once get hold of his Nose. I mean his night Nose, and if she but get hold by the end, she will lead him an amble in the Cloath-Fair after five mile an hour.

House, house! thou blind fool, what, cannot thou sée my Horns? they be not so little; I can lend you a Look­ing glas if you cannot sée, or else Ile snuff my candle: Oh here is a pure light, come who buyes my Horns.

Stand up and let me sée my Cu­stomers: What? Master Prick the Tayler, a dogged Cuckold: sée how he knits his brows as he walks along the stréet? but I dare say his Wife ca [...]es but little for it; for while he [Page]is a taking measure of his Customers abroad, she has as good work-men at home, that can take measure of her as well as he, and fit her as well as her Husband can do: and sometimes she and her Gallants can take a Coach, and up to Hide Park, for to hear the pretty Birds fing; and I will assure you she will be as spruce as the neatest Lady among them. I and take as much upon her as the best Gamester there. In sooth, I am very glad he is gone past me, for I tell you truly I was afraid of my Horns; for I am confident he will have two or thrée pair to carry home before he leades Horn Fair; but truly he may thank his Loving Wife for them, for all he is so dogged with her: for I dare say: as nimble as he goes, he has not one penny in his pocket, but two Tokens besides a bookin and a Thimble, will make a Taylors pocket gingle, Cuc­kow. Hark hark, I thought I heard the Cuckow sing: peace you Whore, for if Master Prick hear you, he will be very angry with thée; so, so, now he is housed, there will be Game by and by.

Now for a Game at hazzard, I lay my life: O dainty Horn Fair! what more Customers yet? Come along Gentlemen, Horns, horns, come, who buyes my horns? Give way Gentle­men, let me look about me, here is a pure light; Let me snuff my Candle, O curious Horn Fair? What, more Cuckolds still? certainly horns will be cheap to day; sée where the proud Cuckold goes, and another proud Prodigal leading his Wife, and he comes after her just like the Major of Horn Castle: I will assure you he thinks himselfe a stout Blade with his Hanger by his side, and his great brown Boots as big as a pair of Wa­ter-bags in the North, I do verily believs they would go near to hold a whole Dicker of hot Pudding, and a brace of pottage-pots full of furmity: and a pair of Spurs as broad in the rowel, as the bréech of a young Child of thréescore and ten: and a Fea­ther brhind in his hat, as big as the But-end of a pair of Mil-stones, and that he wears behind in the out side of his Hat: but he wears a couple of Horns before, that are as big as ever [Page]poor Tom carried on his back. Nay, I do beleive that all Lincolnshire can­not compare with this proud Cuc­kold: O he is a pure Rogue! sée, see how neatly be sets his arms aside, as big as two Rainbows; and I will as­sure you he has as meny gingle jan­gles about his ears, as would serve a blind man to count a whole Sum­mers day. O what a pretty Duck he has to his Wife? I neat Dame I profess; O she is a pure light to fol­low in a dark night!

How now? yonder comes another of his Brother Broad-heads, yonder comes Master Simpleton, but you may sée he takes not all the care, for he has got a jolly red nose, and a fiery face. Faith I think he begins to set his heart at rest now adays. Sée, sée where that Minikin Dame of his goes as proudly as my Lady Loose behind, and as Indial a Horn­maker, as any lives in all the Temple with her; a Ruffling Blade I pre­mise you. Indeed I am a fraid that Horns will be very cheap this Fair, for the Town is full of Horn-ma­kers, [Page]Look, look, I thought what it would come to buy and by, sée where Master Simpletons Wife, and a brave gallant rides in a Coach for London, I lay my life to one Bawdy-house or other: and sée where the Simple Fool stands wéeping: this is his old cu­stome: a right Simpleton indéed: just the trick of an Ass, for when any thing disturbs him, then presently he will begin to roar: and so doth this simple Ass his Brother, when he thinks he is or shall be made a Cuc­kold; then he sits him down, and wéeps, O simple Ident, hold up thy head, and come buy some Horns at Horn Fair.

Hark how the very Fowles in the air laughs thée to scorn. Hark Cuc­kow, Cuckow: hold thy Tongne pretty Bird, he says he cannot help it. Hey brave, what more Cuckolds still? Sée where Master Jealous comes as yellow as the Gold on his fin­ger. O base Rnave to be jealous of thy Wife without a cause: thou hast brought her to this evil vice by thy jealous head: for she was as bo­nest [Page]a woman before thou didst begin to be jealous of her, as ever rid in Hackney Coach with a painted face, and Patches: then the jealous Fool could not let her a lone, but was al­wayes calling her Hackney, Whore when alass, poor soul, she had no more mind to make him Cuckold, then a scabbed horse has to rub himself on a trée. Yet now I to beletve she has learned her Trade pretty well; and that makes him to drive her before him like a shéep: just like the Stag in the Forrest, that doth drive the Doe before him: so doth this jealous Cuckold drive his Wife before him, and all for fear that some Knavs should steal her away, and make him a Cuckold: but take my word she has learned a trick now, that she can fit him in his kind: for now if she but sée any of her Customers, then she strait points with her finger: that is as much as to say, go into some Ta­vern and I will follow. Then she sayes to her Husband, good swéet­heart will you give me a pint of Wine at yonder Tavern; he not de­nying [Page]her, goes in, and there méets with her Customer in a room by him­self; he desires their company, because he is all alone: So they do con­sent to sit altogether, her Husband not knowing the plot, there they fall to drinking Sack, till the jealous Cuckold falls fast asléep: Then she and her companion presently takes Coach, and away to a Vaulting-house, while the poor Cuckold lies asléep with his face downwards, for fear any should wrong his Horns while he sléeps, and all that while she lies on her back with her eye fixed up­ward like a Star-gazer.

O pure company! a Knave and a Quéen is a pair: O brave come a­long Gentlemen, come buy my Horns quickly, I pray you; I would fain be gone, I cannot stand still, Sée, sée, I pray you, where the merry Cuc­kold comes? I dare say, he will be as merry as the Meuse in the Malt: Sée how he smiles as he goes before his Wife. And so how she winks on her companions to méet her at the [Page]Tuckolds Haven, to sing one merry strain for the honour of Horn Fair.

I will assnre you, you never heard such a merry Story told in a Horn Fair Sermon in all your life, as this merry Cuckold will tell, when he and his loving wife comes into Horn Fair: for then he is sure to have good store of Wine, Ale, Béer. and Tobacco: And sometimes his Wife will thrust halfe a Crown in his hand, and bid him go drink that among his frinds, while she has a little civil talk with a friend of hers; so he thinking he has sped well, he goes his way singing as merrily, as ever you heard the mad men of Go­thams Bird sing in May; I, and oft he bad as many pretty tunes with him.

But bold hold yonder comes the veriest Knave in all England, a pitti­ful pimping Rogue: See how he goes péeping and spying about him? For some ruffling Blade that hath more M eney then Honesty. This fellow is the greatest maintainer of Horn-Fair, of any man in all London; for [Page]when he méets with any brave Gal­lants that hath a desire to have a Game or two at Have at all you pretty Ladyes, then straight he is set at work to fetch in Gamesters: For he kéeps as good of his own as ever Rid Hackney to Hide Park. O she is a pure Rogue! I dare lay any man half a couple of nothings, that she beats the best Gamester in all Horn Fair, thrée for one: And to be sure she must be fetcht first, for he I lose nothing; and while she is playing a Game or two at lay her down easie, he runs down to the Vintner for a quart of Sack very well burn'd with Sugar, for the Gamesters, and this is the pimping Cuckolds condition: Take my word if there be not some course taken with him, Horn Fair will not be worth coming to, he doth cause so many Horns to be made. Out upon him Villain that séeks to bring a good Fair to nothing: Vpon my little honesty, it were a very good déed to have him ston'd out of the Town, for I think he has non; nay, he is not fit to-stay in our society, but for [Page]one thing, and that is this; he never comes to Horn Fair, but he carries two or thrée pair home with him, and that they be lovely horns indéed: For I dare say he wears one pair thus big, and they at least be twenty years old.

Come, stand off, and let me snuff my Candle, and look about me, Cuc­kow, Cuckow. Hold, hold, make room for yonder comes the horn-mad Cuckold, sée how big he looks? I do believe you never saw Bull look more sternly at a Butchers Dog, then he looks. I pray you Gentlemen mind him well, you may chance to know him; and if you do not. I do: It is that great fiery-fac't Villain, that ga­thers up all the eye.

Hold a little, crys the Piper, Ile play no more of that Tune, for fear Knaves should dance it more then ho­nest men: but I pray sée how stoutly the Cuckold goes with a long Turd by his side; nay, but stay a little, I had like to a stumbled: A long Sword by his side, and a pretty neat fools Feather in his Hat behind: But if [Page]you look him in the face, you will bless ye: For if you will believe me when you hear the truth, he has a pair of Horns growing on his head a this fa­shion, as big and as wide as any maid can lay her legs for a fit of hey ho, e­nough of that.

I pray stand a little further, I, but look a little yonder: Sée where that pretty swéet soul his Wife goes, a pure pretty do what you will Gentle­men; here is gallant ware for your Money, and enough of it I will war­rant you: Sée what a pretty leg and a foot. I protest it is enough to make a man a Whore, if he never sée nothing but Mil-stones. O dainty Horn Fair, thou art the flower of all Kent for gal­lant ware. O puae light, horn of all sorts. Thus big, bo.

Well, now I think Horn Fair is al­most done for this day: But sée, sée where all the gallant merry jovial hearted Butchers of London and Southwark, all for one merry Cup at the Cuckows Haven: I will lay my life they must néeds have a parting cup before they go, O brave Boys [Page]promise you: Tanners I pray you look about you: For take my word the Butchers be stont Blades. There­fore I pray you take héed, and say Tom To-seek gave you a fair warning, for if your Wives be in Town, you may very well carry home the Horns: For take my word here is tearing Blades in Town. For you know Master Tanner, you are but the But­chers servant, to carry his Horns a­way when he is at home: Therefore I pray you do not think much if the Butcher out of his love give you a pair fréely to carry home, for a Horn Fairing.

O strange! The nearer night, the more honest men: I pray sée where comes the jovial Shooe-makers, I profess a company of gallant Blades. I am perswaded they do intend to méet the Tanners at the Cuckows Haven, to sée if the Tanners have a good horn to give them, for to make them Shooing-horns: for I am per­swaded they can give the Tanners one, when they will: For you know Shoo-makers cannot very well bring [Page]Shooes home; but they must bring Shooing-horns with them, and if they chance to leave the Tanners a pair in love? Why should they be angry? For they are valliant Blades, and of ano­ther Blood, and scorns to sit out for a scratch on the Forehead.

So, so, now I think Horn Fair is done for this day for Horns, except it be in the Cloath Fair, and there will be great doing, I dare say. For there will be as many Horns made in one night. as will serve all the Combma­kers in London, this two thousand thrée hundred thirty five Years to make Combs on: But if they do not serve, there is enow making every day and night.

And now Gentlemen, the Fair is done, 'tis time for me to shut up shop, for my Candle is allmost out. I have already declared unto you the merry Pastime of Horn Fair, and opened un­to you a Cabinet of Nine several sorts of Cuckolds: And that is to say,

The Kind Cuckold. The Con­tented Cuckold, The Dogged Cuc­kold. [Page]The Proud Cuckold. The Ieaious Cuckold. The merry Cuc­kold. The Pimping Cuckold. The Wéeping Cuckold. And the Horn­mad Cuckold.

And now I will sing you a jovial Song of Horn Fair, and so fare­wel.