A QUAKER is an Everlasting Ar­gument; For like Afrique he is daily Teeming with some new Monster: He that can describe him fully may boast he hath squared the Circle. To term him Gomorrah-Apple, Painted Tomb, or varnisht Rottenness doth not reach him; He is ra­ther an Apothecahries guilt Box, inscribed with the glorious Title of some Elixar, but filled with Arsenicke or worser Venom; A dull lump wherein Lucifer hath plaid Prometheus's part; For of him the Apostle is a Prophet, His tongue is set on fire of Hell; The Materia Prima of this Religious Cro­codile is a certain Natural Melancholly or [Page 2] sullen discontent; And his animating forme, Pride and singularity blended: His looks and habit cry; Pray observe me, and his whole deportment is starched and affected, you may take his Face, for a new fashioned Sun-Dyal where the forced wrinkles repre­sent Hower-Lines, and his Tunable Nose the Gnomon: He is oft-times as lean as Famine, yet not out of abstinence but En­vy, and his paleness is rather the Paint of his Hypocrisie, than any effect of Morti­fication: He is commonly in his Youth a profest Practitioner in all kind of Luxu­ry: And as soon as shame or the smarting products of his debaucheries awaken him, to think of amendment; the Devil hurries him into the contrary extream, teaching him to scruple the most innocent things, that he may with the better Gloss per­petrate those that are abominable. Hence­forwards he shuts the Devil out at the Gate, and lets him in at the back door, [Page 3]becomes at once Bigot and Impious, and weaves with the thred of his life a mixed stuffe of Superstition and Atheisme. To ask, what it is a Clock he counts the Language of Ashdod, and you were as good speak Arabick as say Here's to you Sir, his Religion is nothing but Phrases, being a supersti­tious observer of new Minted Modes of speaking, whereby he commits an ab­surdity, yet tells a Truth when he calls the most wicked and flagitious friends, when he lyes with his Neighbours wife, 'tis not out of Lust, but only to raise up a faith­ful seed. And if he wants Money, he need only say to one of his Gang, The Lord hath sent me to borrow of thee forty Shillings: He sometimes studies the Law that he may violate it with the fairer pretences: And reads the Bible only to furnish him­self with Scripture-names to call those he intends to quarrel with, Reprobate Child of Perdition, Son of Belial &c. If he have [Page 4]any smattering in learning; Fidlers, Perri­wigmakers or Tirewomen love him, not worse than his quondam Schoolmaster; who indeed with reason calls him un­grateful: Since he Scornes to own whence he suckt that little stock of Pedantry. For he impudently braggs Heaven sent it him, to rights for a token; He there­fore damns Humane learning in general, and cryes it puffeth up; yet devoutly ad­mires those humble ones of his own cast; who lately to ostentate the Prodigiosi­ty of their Parts, obliged the World with a Battle-Door in two and twenty langua­ges on no more serious occasion than to teach us to Thou people learnedly: He reverenceth the Memory of Fox and Nailor, but mentions Peter and Paul as familiarly as if they were his fellows, he cannot allow them the Title of Saints, yet boasts himself enthroned in a state of perfection: If he ever fasts 'tis on some [Page 5] Festival, and Resents no Idolatry so Hei­nous as not opening Shop on Christmas day; He defyes its superstitious Plumbroth, and will rather surfeit on Mince Pyes any other time then touch one then; when he has a mind to be cross, he cryes he is not free, and with a solemne verily puts off: unsuspected the veriest Lyes imagi­nable: There is certainly some want of Symmetry in his Head which makes him hate all Harmony: Yet at their Con­venticles you may fancy a kind of Musick: For the Men and Women sighing and groaning in consort make an odd noise like the great and small Pipes of an Organ; he cannot performe a Religious Exercise without a fit of Railing as well as Quak­ing: He is most Sagacious at Damning Folks, and delights in cursing as much as good men do in blessing, his very Preaching is a Satyre, and the most zealous of his talk a malicious Invective against [Page 6]all that are not as mad as himself. Yet still you must believe him meek and lowly; For when he hath outdone Bil­linsgate for Scurrility and opprobrious Termes, he tells you it is only his earnest contending for the truth; His Doctrine is a Gospel of about thirty Years standing, and he is a Christian without Baptisme or Ordinance, Creed or Catechisme in Ger­many he is called a Paracelsian, and some wantons of the Family of love first dropt the Brat in our Streets; Indeed he is a Religious Proteus so slipperie no Defini­tion can hold him, for by keeping the main body of his Opinions in Hugger Mugger, and displaying or concealing them, as he spyes advantages he re­serves alwayes a Hole for retreat: So that if you insist on any Blasphemous Te­net, or extravagant Prank, he stops your Mouth with Alas! Friends never owned it; Thus whereas the Ancient Apostles did [Page 7]preach up Faith, Hope, Love, Righteous­ness, Peace and Joy in the Holy Ghost: These new Seers ramble about to esta­blish certain little Fopperies, as if the Sal­vation of the World depended on the preaching down Points, Cuffs, Tyth pigs and Pulpit-Hower-Glasses: He is a kind of Spiritual Gipsy that describes Grace and Piety by the Lines of the Physiognomy, and confines Christianity to such a Comple­xion or Habit, being confident, that cannot be a Wedding Garment that hath any trimming: Thus Ambition makes him affect a ridiculous Humility. And he is proud by Antiperistasis—

But stay—We must proceed with Cau­tion though a Quaker defyes the Battoon and temporal Sword, he is a parlous Gamester at the Goose-quill: Tis no small attempt to encounter a Party whose impious Penn hath presumed to Duel the Sacred Trinity; Behold! the old muddy Stile is laid by, and an Answer comes reaking with Fumes of Babylonish Rhetorick: The Libeller Characteri­zed; Monstrum Horrendum! would it not prove a Second poyson to Overbury, and startle Cleavelands Ghost to see Yea and Nay, write Characters? It seems our Pettifogging Friend T. R. stands alwayes prest to rail in the behalf of his Faction, [Page 9]and ready for a Fee to Stigmatize all that would expose them: A most fit Advo­cate for such a Cause, who cannot con­ceal himself if he would, for at First view his Ears shoot out of his Skin, and present him perfect Asse, his Pam­phlet is fronted with a Bull-rampant, and he posts himself for a Libeller in the Ti­tle-page, whilst he calls it, the Libeller Cha­racterized by his own hand. Trust me, I can­not but pitty the Fools Disease, he hath got a Flux of Gall, or a certain Splene­tick Looseness, which turns his Excrements the wrong way and his Mouth Stools: Do but observe I pray! How the Gall'd Fade winces, I find there is no giving him a Drench for the Staggers without Barnacles, you may know by the Beasts tearing and foaming, our Arrows stick in his Sides, our former Draught hath toucht him to the quick, and now like a Woman grown old and ugly, he [Page 10]throws Stones at the Glass that shews him his own Deformity, he would make us believe; that 'tis Christian to cheat ones Neighbour, provided it be done in Scripture Language, and confess his own Sobriety is but an Appearance, whilst he Cloaks with a Modest Dress Impieties that a vertuous Pagan would blush at: He makes Conscience the Stalking-Nag o­ver which he hopes securely to give Fire at any Game, and being a worthless terrae-filius himself, envies others those civil honours due to their Quality and merits. His talk of the Resurrection and Souls im­mortality is to be construed according to some mental Reservation, or else he speaks contrary to his Principles, and his good word for the Innocent Protestants is only a Copy of his countenance.

When he mentions Christ he does it Allegorically, and with an Equivocation, and to Preach the Light (in his sense) must [Page 11]needs be insignificant Babble, since he af­firms all men have Light sufficient already within them: He counts his impudent Huffing Court of Judicature to be only a demand of civil Liberty, and sawcily calls Acts of Parliament the decrees and Sic­Volo's of a private Cabal, he wipes his Mouth to create an Opinion of his chastity, yet (like a Young Wench when she hears a wanton Jest) lets us know by his Simpering that he understands Tokens of Letchery, But what need he keep Concubines at Home, when every Conventicle serves for a Seraglio: He counts all them Haters of Gods worship that condemn his Disobe­dient Froliques at Devonshire House, and having made it his business to divide and distract, wonders any should turn Incen­diaries, he preferrs a corner conveniently, or the base Multiplicamini of a Midnight meeting before the Churches grave manner of Solemnizing Marriage, and thinks [Page 12]the Priests Fee may be better bestow'd on a provocative Posset for carrying on the work of Generation: The patience, meekness and self-denyal of the Quaking Spirit is suffi­ciently apparent in this Hair-brain'd Scribler, whose work is indeed a true Cha­racter of his Party, whilst mad with rage he Belches out, he cares not what, against he knows not whom; But we shall take no further notice of this Puisne Libeller then to laugh at his folly, and will leave our shivering Hypocrite to his End; which (if he scape turning open Ranter) is with­out repentance to go to IIell in a Saints Livery, and Steal his own Damnation.