I Acknowledge it a mercy beyond my expecta­tion or desert, that the Almighty should please to spare me this time and opportunity, to make my peace with him, who by my repeated Impie­ties I have so often and hainously offended, as likewise to confess my crimes to others, thereby to deter and warn all from treading in those paths that have brought me into the condition I am now miserably groaning under; the latter of which works, as it may conduce in some measure to accomplish the former, is the intent of the insuing lines; wherein to pretermit all matters unnecessary, I shall in the first place give the world some account of my former ill-led life, and the crime for which I stand under sentence of Death: and in the next, my present sence of the state and condition I am in: As to the first of which, I am to acquaint you, That I was born in Oxfordshire, and received my Education under godly and religious pa­rents, whose names in respect to the reverence I owe to their memory, I shall in this place spare; with them till the age of thirteen years I lived, in which space (the most innocent part of my life, I can reflect upon) I began to find the sprouting of those Sins which after­wards in my life and future conversation, did grow to greater maturity, and bore the bitter fruits of my present sufferings: The first of which that came under [Page 2]my observation, and now sticks hard upon my con­science, was disobedience to my parents, in those in­structions and commands their love and my interest put them upon laying before me, (to wit) the service of that God, to whom my being and well-being was indebted, but careless of those instructions, and my own good, I trampled upon their advice, and like the Swine disregarded the pearl, not knowing the value of it, and wallowed in the mire and dirt of my own evil heart and affections, forsaking my Duties to God both in private and publick prayer, reading, and hear­ing, with other duties of his worship, which was the first cause that provoked God to leave me to my self, and so consequently to all the evils I have since fell in­to: in the consideration of which my conscience flies in my face, and upbraids me with this great truth, that the breach was not on Gods part but mine, for if I had continued in those ways and courses, my parents by the inculcation of Scripture had taught me, and not trusted to my self or my own manadgery, God would never have forsaken me, nor permitted me to fall into those inconveniences I now sink under the weight of. I left my parents about the age of thirteen, and betook my self to a service in Becconsfield in the County of Bucks, where growing in years I grew in sin, and day by day added guilt to guilt; to my former disobedience of my parents and neglect of God I now joyned lust and pride, those two reigning and de­structive sins, the root and beginning of all my future failings; to which as to the head spring I owe all the motions and gradations I have made hellwards; the strength of which two sins, especially that of my lust, [Page 3]the Devil that great deluder of souls made the bait of his temptations to ensnare & keep me in the net of his Jurisdiction, wherein I then commenced and have e­ver since continued a slave. How great the power of this sin is when once it hath made an inroad upon Cha­stity the bulwark against it, those only know who feel the powerful operations thereof in themselves, or behold it in the sad instances and effectives of its strength in others: from Becconsfield I removed to Wattleton in the same County to another service which happened in a publick house, in which place being not fifteen years of age, I made my self a prostitute to those lusts I had before that time only approved of, and was delighted with in the revolution of my thoughts; the remembrance of which sin (at that time a most sweet and delicious morsel to my palat) is now the bit­ter ingredient of my misery: It is now I see how de­ceitfully fair were all those false apples of Sodom, my former pleasures: Rottenness was lodged in the core, pollution in the touch, and destruction in the taste thereof. From Wattleton I removed for London, but though I changed my residence, my heart was not changed, and I still continued in those courses, the suggestions thereof and my own impure affections led me to, and grew more hardy and bold in my crimes; Sins I formerly trembled at the commitment of, I could now meet without the least reluctancy or tremu­lation, swallowing greedily my own poyson, esteem­ing it my pleasantest food and choicest provision, such as wherein neither danger of surfetting my soul or de­stroying my body was ever in the least to be feared: yet at some time the Devil though his power was so­veraigne [Page 4]in me, could not stop the mouth of that rebel to him my conscience, but it would tell me how great a criminal I was to my self, and slave to an unjust master in the courses I prosecuted: this in the heat and vigour of my injoyments would sometimes quell and damp them; but like a sickly Qualm, the health of my pleasure would quickly rid my stomack thereof; the Devil turning Phisitian (as at such times he was always readiest to do) and administring a pill or dose of false comfort, to relieve me. From London I return­ed to my parents in Oxfordshire, where after some short stay with them, I removed to Chesham, little delighting in the company of those whereby I might have been be­nifited in relation to my soul, knowing that that would put me upon bridling my lust, too great a self-denial to be thought on with patience: At Chesham I alighted into a Family where I lived about two years, one year and three quarters of which I lived in the constant commitment of whoredom with my Master, who was at that time a married man, and by him I had a Childe which is yet living, to bring which in­to the world, and to cover that sin I had committed, I was removed for London, where after some short time being delivered of the burthen of my sin and shame, and the issue thereof provided for, I went in the quality of a wet-Nurse into a very honest and Religious Family in Roderith, where I might if my own evil heart had not been foolish and desperately wicked, been warned both by their example and pre­cept to other courses then I did then or since follow; but when once God gives up a person or people to a reprobate sence and state, neither examples can allure [Page 5]nor precepts oblige them to what may be for their own benefit; so besotted and foolish a creature is man in that state, that though he knows his own good, yet he either neglects or disowns it as a trifle, nay, many times esteems it as an injury to be put in minde thereof. From Roderith I removed into Frogmorton-street, where likewise in a very honest Family I was well placed, wherein I observe the goodness of God in affording me those means of return to himself which my own evil heart at all times eschewed; and how well might it now have been with me had God given me grace to have followed the counsell and ad­vice of the Mistresse in whose service I then lived; how many harsh reflections of a guilty conscience, how many besmeared cheeks and swollen eyes, and above all how many sins, besides this for which I must go hence and be seen no more, might have been spared thereby? In this service though often warned against it I became acquainted with a person (whose Name though I might have cause, yet having forgi­ven all the world, I shall not mention) who did pre­vail upon me to the committing of that crime, the issue whereof hath justly contracted my days; by him I found my self with childe, and upon some difference thereabouts with my aforesaid Mistresse, I parted thence, and went to live in a very reputable Family within the County of Surrey, where I saw the Service of God duely and faithfully administred, and every minute met with those examples of good and religi­ous living, that had I not been hardned to the high­est degree, I should certainly have taken notice of it: But so strong was the infatuation of the devil upon [Page 6]me at that time, that I grew hardened under the means of mercy, and the more God extended his kindeness to me, the lesse good was wrought on me thereby; the sun-beams of his mercy shone upon my clay'y heart only to its hardening, whilst the hearts of others were melted like wax into a through-obedi­ence of those commands I trampled upon and spurn­ed at: In this condition the devil had brought me and kept me, the issue of my body still growing more mature, and I senceless of my own folly, more re­garding the shame of the matter towards me, and amongst my acquaintance, then the crime I had committed against the great God of heaven and earth, whose holy commands I had so repeatedly violated: The time of my delivery growing nearer each day then other, I had several thoughts of providing for the infant, and accordingly had taken a room, but the temptations of the devil overpower'd all good resolu­tions in me, and when the hour of bringing forth ap­proached, leaving the principles of Christianity, and laying aside the bowels and tendernesse of a Mother, forgetting the laws of God and nature, and disregard­ing the checks of my own conscience, I basely and inhumanly strangled the issue of my womb, and strove to conceal as well the sin as shame of this horrid Mur­ther from the eyes of the world, by hiding the infant in my Trunk, so great, so crying a sin, that were the blood of Christ, or the mercy of God of less value then it is, I should utterly dispair of ever obtaining a pardon therefore. Lord! what a wretched creature is man di­vested of thy grace! how are all those noble faculties where­with thou didst at first endow him, disfigured? his highest wis­dome [Page 7]perfect madness, his greatest mercy extreamest cruel­ty, all his actions, foolish and besottedly ignorant; the De­vills engine to ruine and destroy as well his own as others souls: even such a creature Lord am I; and can I ever hope to see thy face? can thy holiness admit so vile and impure a wretch as my self to be in thy presence? I that have so often affronted thy Majesty, trampled upon thy honour, abused thy mercy; I that am a Whore, a Murtherer, a Lyer, the very worst of thy creation, can I ever expect thy mercy? The Laws of men have left no Asylum for me to fly to, and wilt thou, oh Lord, tender thy bosom to receive and preserve me? infinit is thy mercy and thy sons intercession, therefore will I not despair. This crime thus commited, Justice hath overtaken me for, and before an earthly Tribunal; I have received a most just sentence therefore, and am now under the dayly expectation of taking my last farewell of the world, and shaking hands with all the follies and troubles thereof, which leads me to the se­cond thing premised, viz. an account of my present thoughts in relation to the condition my sins have re­duced me to; the which to methodize, for the benefit of others, though it is my earnest desire, yet am I sen­sible the task is difficult, considering the confusions and disturbances thereof, the many mixtures of fears and hopes arising from the different considerations of my former miscariages and present but imperfect assu­rances; wherefore I shall first of all in general lay be­fore you a draft, though but an imperfect one, of my said thoughts upon my first conviction, and then pro­ceed to shew you, how God hath pleased to work up­on me in order to the settlement of those confusions I was then disturbed with: wherefore in the first place, [Page 8]no sooner had I received sentence of Death from an Earthly throne, but it put me in minde of that sentence I was shortly to receive in the highest Heavens from that God, and for those crimes, whereby during all my life I had so highly provoked his anger and ven­geance against me; which consideration filled me with terrors of the Almighty, and made me cry out under the weight of my burthen, that it was greater then I could bear: Hell-fire flasht in my face, and the devil who formerly hurried me presumtuously to persist in my impieties, now turned the drift of his temtations to force me to despair, making use of the memory of my former crimes, in all the black aggravations there­of to inhance my infidelities, terrifying me with the justice of God, who before he had represented as a merciful father, ready and easie to forgive his failing children, he now shapes as an angry Judge bound to condemn offenders: In this condition never was mi­sery greater then the thoughts of that chance I was and am shortly to make; neither ever had any crea­ture a more perfect portraiture of the ugliness of sin then at this time I met with: Imagine but then how little pleasure, or rather how great was my torture in the revolutions of the idle expence of my former hours and days, of my former pleasant and as I then thought innocent pastimes: These were my torment, but how much more, how exceedingly and inconceiveably greater was the thoughts of my disobedience to my parents, my neglect of God in all the duties of his wor­ship, my excessive pride, my repeated and continued whoredomes, and above all my unnatural destruction of the off-spring of my own body: These were as [Page 9]mountains of Lead under which helpless and hopeless I lay overwhelmed; my comfort came slowly upon me, and though sometimes a Beam of hope would shine in upon my soul from the consideration of the merits and blood of Christ (my dear Lord and Saviour) yet the same was imediately clouded by the revolution of the thoughts premised, and now it was I found how hard the work of repentance, (let the world pass what sen­timents they please thereon) was to bring about, how many were the conflicts with the flesh and the Devil that I grapled with, how many bitter sighs and groans, how many fears and terrors was I wrapped up in ere I could bring my self to a serious and hearty repentance for my past crimes? It is true, the condition I was in, under a sentence of Death, made me sorry, that I had committed the offence that had brought me thereto, yet the fear of death more then the greatness of the crime against God was the cause of that sorrow, and had not that sentence been past upon me, I fear my heart would never have been affected with that sor­row: Whence I would beg and request of all to whom these lines shall come, that they take it as the advice of a dying woman, who being nearer, can see fur­ther into the things of another world, then those who stand at a distance thence, that they would not deferr the great work of repentance, till they come within prospect of eternity, which every day brings them nearer to then other. Thus much in general; I shall descend to particulars, in shewing you, how God hath pleased to work upon me in order to the settlement of my thoughts under these confusions I was at present under, wherein notwithstanding all those suggestions [Page 10]the Devil and my own evil heart did terrifie me with, I have found that God is a merciful father to repen­tant and returning sinners though just against obsti­nate offenders: To his free grace in Christ Jesus my Lord I attribute all the comfort I have and must re­ceive, here and hereafter: Wherefore in the first place I shall shew you, that God hath been pleased by a graciously powerful hand to work upon me, in turn­ing me to a perfect detestation of my sins, more in that they are and have been an affront to his Majesty, then the Cause of that temporal Death I am to suffer therefore. To make out this, I am to acquaint you, that having received my Sentence on Thursday night, I continued in great confusions as aforesaid for two or three days, and though a good Friend who tarried most part of the time with me, assisted me with his advice and prayers, yet could I not bring my self to so setled a temper, but that my fears clouded my hopes, and deprived me of those comforts, which otherwise and under other Considerations I might have recei­ved, the devil being all this time busie in stirring that mud, my own evil heart had too readily raised. On the Munday following I was visited by a Minister of worth within the City of London, who after several questions by him propounded, and threats of the Law against such criminals as my self were laid open, I began to see my transgressions, without that vizard the Temp­ter had generally masked them with; the uncomely shape whereof, did administer that amazement to me, which was the first step of that abhorrency I have since conceived against them, and no wonder that poor creatures are so much deceived, in their opinion [Page 11]of sin, considering the specious advantage under which a representation by that evil one is made there­of: the which till the purblinde eyes of man come to the nearest view thereof (to wit,) in a punishment therefore, or by Gods speciall grace, he can never discern it in its true proportion or colour, but conti­nues under a fancied deceit, that there is in sin some­what exceedingly amiable, profitable, or reputable a­mongst men, without which he could never live un­der that injoyment of happiness and content, as the same would at all times afford him: Thus (with ma­ny thousands in the like case with me) I was always deluded, and on this account did I run on in those sin­ful courses whose end is a scertain'd destruction, as I to my cost have found it; but the time is now come, that the vail is drawn aside, and I begin to consider the in­side and bottom of those crimes which before that time lay covered under a specious and fair superficies: and thereby came to a discovery of what before I ne­ver did really possess my self with: I now consider'd e­very sin a breach of Gods Law, and a provocation of that vengeance that might every moment have spurn­ed me into an abysse of misery, and turned me out a­mongst those who are weeping, wailing, and gnash­ing their teeth, in the pit of perdition, from whence to the throne of grace and mercy no appeal can be: and that it was the exceeding patience and forbearance of God that he had spared so vile, so impure a wretch as my self, so long under such continued and repeated impieties, to violate his laws, and contemn his most Sacred and august authority: which considerations, as they raised my detestation and hatred against sin, so [Page 12]did they inhance the value and price of Gods mercy, the two first stones to that great work of conversion, which I hope God has in me the unworthyest subject of his choice in some measure graciously effected, as arguments of which my own heart gives me these five evidences, which laid together confirm the same to my comfort.

1. That under the sence of my Sin, I confesse and acknowledg my self deservedly a condemned creature, unless the application of the blood of Christ my Savi­our and his intercession, at the throne of grace, joyn­ing with the free love of God, shall repeal the sentence against me.

2. I do throughly and from my heart detest and ab­hor sin in general, and should God please to lengthen out my days, I should continue my resolutions of a through repentance and reformation of life, forsaking all courses contrary to Gods holy word and Law.

3. I find in my Spirit a delight in reading and pray­er, things I formerly omitted and eschewed.

4. A fiduciary expectation of forgiveness from God, of all past crimes, through Jesus Christ, freely relying and reposing my self on him for Salvation.

5. I do freely and from my heart forgive all the world, and bear to none the least ill will.

Which considerations, are the ground of that hope, that balmes my wounded heart, and cordialls my de­caying spirits, under the great change I am so short­ly to make: To discourse of which is the next, and last thing I have to say, and would to God I could now lay by all the cloggs of flesh, and earth, and mount up upon the wings of faith, into such a state as the [Page 13]Apostle was when he desired to be dissolved, and be with Christ; but alas! how many difficulties, am I now to graple with, what Mountains of opposition stand in my way, too high and great, to travel o­ver: before me I see a fair Heaven, inviting and al­luring the aspect to an enjoyment thereof, but distant from my Eye, by depth seemingly stormy and impas­sible, into which I am fearfull and loath to lanch, fearing the weight of my sins, should sink me, ere I could compasse the other shore: I look back, and see my former habitations in the flesh, which know­ledge and custome had rendred pleasant to me, ru­ined and destroyed, nothing commendable in it for my stay, or entertainment: my familiars forgetting despising, and forsaking me, under disgrace with all, through my own crime and folly, and a Judicial ne­cessity upon me, to speed my way; in this case, per­plexed, comfort flys me on all sides, if I look, down I am startled at my own ill representations and sha­dow; to Heaven therefore is my best and last refuge, whether when I extend my Eyes, my soul breaths our, in desires to this or the like effect. (Lord thou knowest my past frailties and present perplexities, be thou my streers­man to guide me, through this Sea of tears to thy self, with­out thee and thy assistance, I should immediately split upon the Rocks of despair, or sink into the Gulph of infidelity, where I should ever remain, without hope to bring my Ship­wrackt Soul into the Haven of thy mercy, which stands at all times open for repenting and believing sinners.) To such breathings of my Soul, God is sometimes pleased to give the answer of his spirit, in the return of peace, at which time, as the Sun that hath long lain hid in [Page 14]a dark Ecclipse, darts forth its refreshing rays, to the comfort of beholders, so from that black scene of sor­row, under which my breast is troubled, radiates a joy unspeakable, and so great, that I cannot express it, but in the blessed effects thereof, which leads me to the despising the world, in the greatest pleasures of it, and mounts up my Soul so high, above the nether Sphere, that when I view it, methinks it seems so little and despicable a spot, what were it to be purcha­sed by the rate, of one of the least crimes I ever was guilty of, it would be unmercifully over rated; and in this condition, imagine whether I have any minde or desire, to take up a habitation therein, and neglect those divine mansions, where cares and troubles, and above all, sin is a stranger; Mansions where God and Angells inhabit, and enjoy themselves, in a continu­ed Halelujah and harmony, to which I am a going; it is then I can kiss the halter that shall strangle me, and the hand that shall dispatch me to these enjoyments, accounting my self happy in my troubles, and blest in my miseries: But thus it fares not at all times with me, but flesh will get the upper hand, and sometimes drag me down to Earth, and keep me from mount­ing Heavenward, which as it is against my peace, so likewise much against my will and prayers to God, that he would please to prevent it: Thus have I gone through, with what in the first part of this Discourse was premised, (viz.) an Account of my Life and crime, for which I received my sentence of Death, as also the sence of my condition, upon consideration of both: it remains now only upon the whole, That the Reader would candidly interpret, of what these [Page 15]lines have contained, and make use of them as a warning, from running on in those ways, the Devil and my own heart hath led me in, whose end will be certainly bitter, to all that pursue the same; which that the same use may be made thereof, shall be to the last gasp, the prayer of Dorothy Lillingstone.