SCENE, the Elizium Fields.
Of FRIENDSHIP.

SO, so, so.—Thanks, ye gracious Powers! that have once more freed me from that sordid Carcass of Mortality, in which I was just now coop'd up, and set me at liberty again to breath at large in these happy Elizium Fields: Where Nature appears to the clear sight of new unclouded Reason in all her easy Plainness, divested of that Jargon of Words, and those gaudy Robes and Trappians, which the weak Brains and contradictory Guesses of the fond Philosophers have hid in it above. Hail! happy Shades secure, and free from Ambush and Design, where Villany, Usury and Treason, and the false Train of inconstant Parasites above so mis-call'd Friend, dare ne're approach, and nothing but what's generous, compassionate, and just, is e're admitted! all hail! But what Noble Man's this comes skimming by?—Those glorious Wreaths that circle in his sacred Head, declare him a true, persevering, and faithful Friend. I see now, 'tis the fam'd Laelius; I'll accost him—Gene­rous Laelius, have you forgot your old Acquaintance in these happy Fields?

Who?—Thrice Noble Timon! how come you thus soon to us again? You've taken but a short turn in the frail Walk of Life above.

Not by much so short as I desir'd, I assure you; tho' I rejoyce the damn'd Fatigue is over, and that it will not come to my Lott again this good while. But when Dear Laelius are you for those upper Regions?—If you can persuade your old Friend Scipio to accompany you, you may make a pleasanter [Page 2] Voyage than I did, who cou'd not meet with that divine Idea, a Friend, in either of my Visits to Mortality. Nor will you, unless you carry him with you from hence.

I know not how far the Charms of Friendship might ingage me, were my Dear Scipio to return thither; else I find no great inclination to quit these calm Retreats, these blest Abodes; for the tempestuous Ocean of the World, I lik`d it not so well when I was last there, where e'ry thing is subject to the blind governance of Chance, which rarely favours the Nobler Beings, but makes the Brave Man truckle to the Villain, the Wise and Honest to the Fool, or Knave, where none enjoy the benefits of Life, but such as are not fit to Live. If the base World be alter'd for the better, pray inform me.

Oh! Laelius, I find you baulk'd your Glass at Lethe Lake, you wou'd not else have remembred these inconveniences of Humane Life, but a been throng­ing for a New Birth into some of those numerous Bodies which Mankind above beget Day and Night without any fear, or consideration. But to answer your Query: I must confess the World is indeed alter'd, but by vast and incredible Degrees, for the worse. For if Villany were sometimes successful in your Age, in this nothing else is. If Honesty and Wisdom were in little esteem then, now they are in None. If Vertue was then less saught after, 'tis now grown the greatest Scandal. Now from the Crown to the Cott, from the Peasant to the Prince, there are not the least footsteps of Honour, Iustice, or Moral Honesty. Nay, e'ry individual Man has more subtlety, and designing Cunning in his own pri­vate Affairs, than the greatest Tyrant, or the most famous for Dissimulation (in which there`s not a Farmer but excels a Claudius) if you`r ever understood in the Administring of the Publick. Stedfast Honour (that generous Idol of Antiquity) veers now with every Wind of Interest or Ambition, as changeable as the Cha­meleon, or the Poetick Proteus; and there are as many differing Notions of this Plain, this Well-known Excellence, as of Religion.

I fear the unparalled Injuries you receiv'd from the Old Athenians, makes you speak thus of all Mankind.

No, upon my word Laelius (for in these Fields you may believe one on ones word,) my Account reaches not to half the reality, and truth of the pre­sent Villany of Mankind. No, no: Were Athens with all it's Ingratitude now in being, 'twould be such a Pattern and inimitable Example of Honour and Gratitude, that the present World wou'd never arrive at it. I tell thee Laelius, I cannot give so refin'd a Spirit as thee art, who knew not half the less criminal Vices of your own Age, any tollerable Idea of this, where Murder, Treason, and Parricide, find an Aposeosis, and whose greatest Vertues arrive not at an Excellence of the greatest Vices of Old Rome.

Where`s Religion then? That sacred Tye, that bound the World to Vertue; What`s become of that?

That sacred Name still remains in the World, and nothing but the Name, which makes a mighty Noise and Busle, and affords as solemn and pomp­ous shew, as the Anti-Feasts of Old, and has no more of Substance.

Does the old Opinion of the Plurality of Gods prevail with the vul­gar still? The Vulgar, I say, for it never did with the wiser sort.

That Opinion, however irrational, prevails very far to this day; for if we consider the whole Circumference of the Earth, and all the numerous Nations that dwell on the surface of it, the old Opinion of Plurality of Gods takes up the largest extent; but if we consider only, those parts where the [Page 3] Roman Eagles were known, they are quite of another Opinion, generally all admitting of one only God. But then they differ again so in point of Wor­ship, that they make more various Religions for that one God, than we had different Gods for one Religious Worship; and indeed they make Gods of their own Opinion. E'ry one being ready to spend his Substance, nay Life, and all, to force his Neighbour to be of his mind. They are divided into three sorts, Turks, Iews, and Christians. The Iews you heard of in your time.

An imperfect Account we had of them.

Why, they are the most Antient of these three great Bodies, and draw, as they say, their Original from the first Man, never altering their O­pinion of the Unity of the Godhead, with whom they us'd to have frequent Converse, and by whom they were promis'd a great Theantropos that shou'd deliver them from Thraldom, not of Princes, but of their own deprav'd Ap­petites, their Avarice, Treachery, Pride, and Sedition. And when this great Deliverer came, they very fairly murdered him; and from this Theantropos, it is that the Christians derive themselves; I mean their Religion, which is not only compos'd of all the excellent Morals which the Old Philosophers found out in the Law and Dictates of Nature, but several wonderful Mysteries that past my Understanding there, and must my Narration here. These Christians now possess old Rome, and great part of Europe, tho cut and rent into a thou­sand Sub-divisions, which are more averse to one another, than to the com­mon Enemy of the whole. But notwithstanding all these elevated Precepts of Morality, which they boast are so much improv'd above ours of Old, you shan't find one of theirs arrive to the Practice of the worst of us; if indeed they were follow'd, the Life of Man wou'd be so happy above, that all our blest Elizium Shades below wou'd be Deserted for it; for it wou'd make a large and general Amity betwixt Mankind, banishing all Causes of Strife, dif­fusing an Epidemick Love through the whole Creation; and whereas you for­merly confin'd Friendship to the narrow compass of two, or a few; this has made it appear it wou'd, if practised, unite the whole World in the strict­est Bond of Allyance and Friendship. But as it is, it proves but a Pearl cast before Swine, which no body values or takes notice of, unless to deceive another.

Have they no Philosophers and Instructors in this admirable Law, whose excellent Example of the Contempt of the World, Honours, Interest, Strife, and Enmity, transcend Antiquity, and are a living Lesson of the Good, and advantage of these wise Institutions?

O, yes: They have numerous Instructors, but such as least of all follow what they teach; to hear them, wou'd cause a Veneration for them next to a Divinity; but to see their Practice, wou'd breed a Contempt beyond all Expression. There is no Villany forbid, but they will greedily embrace, if interest persuade; and no good commanded but they will more readily aban­don, to gratifie their brutal Pride, Luxury, and Revenge. They extol Humi­lity in their Pulpits, but know it not in their Behaviour. They persuade Commiseration for the Misfortunes and Miseries of their Fellow-Creature, as a Duty commanded, and not to be dispensed withal; but are themselves inex­orable to the most moving Object. They Deify Obedience in their numerous Eulogiums of it, but if it suit not this Ambition, and Violence, they run it into endless Distinctions till they have lost it. They inculcate mutual Love, [Page 4] and Amity, as the necessary and characteristical Mark of their Profession; yet are the most violent Bouteseu's. They enjoyn Forgiveness of one anothers In­juries as an indispensable Precept, and arraign Revenge as unpardonable, and an Usurpation on the Province of the Deity, yet never forget the least Offence against themselves, but prosecute an accidental Error with all the Malice of an inraged Revenge. Prudence they have none, aiming

only at Cunning, under that Name. Justice they think Folly to practice in any Concern, where they have any Profit: Fortitude is an Antiquated Vertue, which they tell of Primitive Gentlemen that were stock'd with so as to contemn Life and Torments, rather than to forsake their receiv'd Opinion of Truth; but the Examples are so old, that they look almost like our Golden Age, and are quite out of use; there being no greater Cowards in nature as to Passive Fortitude, and will rather veer with e'ry Wind that blows than let their Spouses have a Knot less on their Com­modes. And as for Temperance, Epicure was a Stoic to the most Moderate; in their Diet and Ease, they transcend, in proportion to their capacities ev`n Heliogabal's, or the greatest Gluttons of the old or new World. Thus you see they have no one of those Vertues that were known to the Antients; nor are they more stock'd with those peculiar to themselves, which they call Theo­logical, as Faith, Hope, and Charity, words which neither you nor I can un­derstand no more than they possess.

If their Teachers are thus, sure their Followers must think their whole pretence a Farce or Cheat.

Truly they generally are of that Opinion, and therefore the greatest Pretenders to it are most commonly the greatest Villains. For I know not by what Witchery it comes to pass, that none of all the Bace, either Hearer, or Teacher, have or believe any thing of the Matter; yet the Major part of those same People shall be gull'd with a pious Cant, a precise Look, or any other Religious Visor.

Dear Timon, we have had enough of these Christians, and sure there can be no worse among the other Sects of Mankind?

You are in the right. For the Turk, if his Moral Precepts are not so Refin'd and Excellent, yet he practises abundantly more; and I am per­suaded, if they had the Doctrine of the other without their Commerce (for that does corrupt where-ever it comes) they wou'd arrive to a pitch of Hap­piness.

But I have neglected one Question, which more nearly hits my hu­mour: Is there no Friendship among any there? Are there no Pylades, and Orestes, no Theseus and Perithous, no Achilles and Patroclus, no Damon and Py­thius? Or in short, no Scipio and Laelius, famous for their Faith and Loyal­ty to one another, which no Fortune nor Distress cou'd seperate or de­stroy?

O, yes Sir; there are abundance of Friendships in the present World betwixt all Sexes; the Men have their friends Male and Female; but with this Difference, they keep neither any longer than their Pleasure, or Profit pre­vails, which is seldom long. If you have Plenty, you shall not want Friends that shall caress and admire you above all Mankind; but then they are like Shadows, they all vanish at the first Cloud that obscures the Sun of your good Fortune; or if any stick to you, 'tis no longer than there is some hopes [Page 5] that you may once retrieve your lost Glory: Nay, if you raise a Worm, a little reptile Animal, that us'd like the Serpent to eat the dust of the ground, if (I say) you should raise such an Out-cast to be your Bosom Friend, and give him all that is delightful or desirable to Mankind, yet if the least Storm threatens you, he shall betray you to your Ruine. So that tho' you have ne­ver so nice an Idea of Friendship, and reduce it to Practice either with the Illustrious, or the Ignoble, with those that Birth and Education shou'd have taught the Noble Principles of Honour, or those that have not had the ad­advantage of great Parents, but might be thought through the Dictates of Nature, to be won by the highest Obligations, you will find there is scarce one in a thousand Millions that is worthy your Love.

You give me a Character of the present World from the past In­juries you receiv'd, and the Villanous Returns the Athenians made you for all those Generous Services you did them, and your Country. But, I hope in this turn into the World, you avoided those Inconveniences which you knew be­fore proceeded from too Noble a Temper, and a too excessive a Liberality.

Tho those incredible Ingratitudes of my old Country-men of Greece, might perhaps prevail with another less generous, and brave, to condemn all Man-kind for ever for their sakes, as I did in my angry mood, in my Epitaph; yet I do assure you, that I represent them very short of their Deserts; and the Athenians were but Dwarss in Ingratitude and Selfishness to the present World. Tho the Memory of their Villanies to me rendred my Abode here very un­easy for many Centuries, which made me at last resolve to drink of Lethe-Lake to forget them, that I might not disquiet my self any more about them; but as I had the Water in my mouth, I began to reflect, that if I should wholly forget them, I might in my Return to the World incur the same Mis­fortunes again, and therefore I let but a drop or two go down, and spurted out the rest again. So keeping my Resolution to be as Selfish as any, and to give nothing, unless I had almost a certainty of getting twice as much by it; I enter'd at last into a Body that was just come to a ripeness to receive a Soul, and as 'tis a Lottery to us, you know what Body we are convey'd into; so I sound too late that I was born an English Man, and as I grew up, I found that Opinion by Experience verify`d, That the Organs and Constitutions of the Body form the Inclinations of the Mind. For spight of all my former Re­solutions, I began to imbibe the pernicious Opinion, That none was born for himself only; and that there was nothing more worthy a Man, or indeed made nearer Approaches to Divinity, than to redress the Misfortunes of my Fellow Creatures, shielding off Ruine from those in Distress.

Among the rest of my beloved Follies, reading your Examples, and those of old Greece, fam`d in the Schools for Friendship; I fell into a ridiculous Opinion, That it was possible for me to cull out some Dear Pylades or Scipio, to build up that Chymera of a Pleasure call`d Friendship. Nor cou`d I then imagine, I cou`d persue a surer Tract to find that Noble Phaenix, than in the Circle of the Sciences, which generally inform`d the minds of their A­dorers with more refin`d and generous Principles than the groveling Souls of the ignorant part of Mankind ever rise to, believing their elevated Beings to be above those little selfish Tricks of the Crafty Designing part of the humane Em­nets. But in such a one to shew you the extremity of the less perfect, I`ll give you a short touch of his prevarications.

[Page 6]The agreeableness of our Inclinations I laid for the Basis of our Amity, you allowing no prospect of Advantage, and Interest in these Associations; and as I desir'd and expected, he first stood in need of me. Liberty is the Idol of all Men, that I gave him with the hazard of my own; and Life it self he ow`d to my Sword and Purse: Nor cou`d Fortune (envious as she is at the success of the Ingenious) cast more Distresses on him, than my Friendship did unask`d, Endeavour to hinder him from, as long as my Abilities remain`d: But no sooner had my Generosity to Others reduc`d me to want the returns of a Friend, but he grew saint in the Noble Course, and repay`d my past Services with odd, long, strange, needless, base Put-offs, monstrous Protestations, without any Effect, and Promises without any Preserment. Extravagantly kind in Words when I ask'd nothing, but wretchedly and beyond measure penurious in Action when intreated. An Inferiour and Impudent fellow shou`d succeed, when the modest Importunities of his Friend were fruitless. Behold in a word, the Difference betwixt us. The least occasion was sufficient for me to throw my Favours without being ask'd (as you in your divine Rules prescribe) and the greatest and most extraordinary Emergency, too little to make him remember a Promise.

By this Account I find the World is indeed much alter`d for the worse; for in Athens of Old the Senate and People had ruin`d and con­demn`d Calicias, for not assisting his poor Friend Aristides, if by the Testi­mony of him he had not satisfy`d the Publick, that Aristides`s Poverty was owing to his own abstenuous Inclinations, not his base Diserting of him in his Distress.

Ah! if Athens had been always of that mind, how many of my quondam Parasites had been hang`d?

But perhaps, Good Timon, you weigh`d not well your Man before you made your Choice. For as the Offices of Friendship are reciprocal, so neglect shewing want of Love, was a just Cause of Change, without that ig­nominious imputation of Levity. For as I asserted, `tis no easie matter to find out One that is fit Matter to make a Friend of.

Oh! during my better days, none more ready in returning all the superficial and little Offices that cost nothing, or at least no more than he was sure of again; but when Fortune had cut off present Hopes, all his kind­nesses were procrastinated, till a more lucky hour; nor wou`d he part ev`n with Words to raise me from Distress.

These Faults may perhaps Laelius, seem Villanous enough to you, yet com­par`d with others, the Dog was a Cherubim. For tho he assisted me not, he wou`d not depress me farther; tho he prefer`d not my obliging Love and ge­nerous Services to a Whore, and a Bottle, yet he betray`d me not; and tho he`d rather let me perish than speak for me, yet he wou`d not cut my Throat himself. Thus Noble Laelius, you have seen the Mirrour of Friendship in the present World above; I desire you wou`d give me some Idea of it as in your Time, since both my Visits thither have never given me the delight of half a Friend. I have indeed read fine Storys of `em in Romances, and the Historys of the Old Romans and Grecians, but at last concluded them to be only the Gay Children of Imagination, pleasant in Speculation, but never to be brought to use.

But is the Iron Age so establish`d that there is no Remains of Friendship, no Acts of Kindness from one to another?

Yes, yes, there is a Temporary Friendship yet in the World, that lasts as long as the hot Blood of Youth continues; but then it consists not in Vertue, nor among Vertuous Persons, as you require, but in Pimping for one another, in being in Rake helly Exploits together, in spending the Day in Gaming and Intreagues, and the Night in Lewdness, and Drinking toge­ther till both are drunk. You may Pimp for a Friend, nay and fight for him, but where it comes to pinch upon your Pocquet, there the greatest Friend Mony is prefer'd to the other call`d Man. So that your Sentiment, that Friend­ship cou`d be among none but the Vertuous, is now quite inverted; for they cease to be Friends as soon as either takes to Sobriety and Vertue. Of these Friends e`ry place swarms, not a Tavern, Coffee-house, or Stews, but is full of them. Nay, there are another sort of Friends too, that if you have a pretty Wife, shall endear themselves to you to have the better Admittance to her to make you a Cuckhold; or if you have a fine Daughter, shall omit nothing of the Formalities of a real Friend, till he has debauch`d her: If you have a She-Relation that is a Fortune, you will not want Friends that will buy her of you, and stand by you with their Life and Fortune till the Job is done. If you are a young Heir, you will not be destitute of the dearest protesting Creatures that seem to have learnt the Dissimulation and Deceit of Harlots, who will never forsake you; and if short kept by the Avarice of a Father, will not let you want Mony, if you will but pay `em for their kindness in a Stifled Obligation. So that Dear Laelius, you must not mistake me, for the World was never stock`d better with Friends; but those Friends are all Villains, all Sycophants, Cheats, Pimps, and Userers. Generosity and Honour they understand no more than Arts and Sciences.

Your Account of the present State of the World, proves evidently that what I formerly thought was not without great reason, that there can be no true Friendship where Vertue is wanting. For you give an Account to me of a meer Chaos of Confusion and Villany, and not of a World where Men with immortal Souls, and the light of Nature, improv`d as they pretend, in Habit; and Greece with all the punishments it has plac`d in Hell, has not pro­vided sufficient for the Luxuriancy of the Villanies of this latter World, where Faith, Integrity, and Liberality, void of Avarice or Lust, the solid Basis and Foundation of that Coelestial Prerogative of a Rational Being Friendship, are no where to be found; but Pride and Rapacious Desire, generates continual Feuds, and Anarchical Confusion. No, my unfortunate Timon, I`ll ne're for­sake these dear Shades, blest with the presence of my Noble and Generous Scipio, for so base and servile a World. But if Strangers have no Friendship for one another, I mean such as are not related by Blood; I presume among Kindred, there may be found some Pairs of Friends: For Nature, the best directrix of Humane Life, has establish`d in her sacred Laws a Friendship among them, as she has in several Degrees among all Mankind. For our Country-men are nearer to us than Foreigners, or Fellow-Citizens, yet nearer, and Relation nearest of all, according to their several Degrees of Allyance.

Perhaps these might be the Sentiments of yours; but now I assure you, the Opinion, or at least Practice of the World is quite contrary; for you are so much the farther from a Friend, as you are nearer a Kin, and a Stranger shall find Success when a near Relation shall be deny`d: A For­reigner [Page 8] be courted, admired, and caress`d, when a Country-man, or Fellow Citizen shall starve with twice his Merits. A Child be turn`d out of door for an unknown Vassal to take his place, and starve whilst his Fathers Servants live like Princes; and rara est concordia fratrum, your Brother shall besure to ruine or destroy you, to make himself: Nay, the Child shall betray his own Father if he can but get by it, and Mothers that us'd to dote upon what they bore, and have a tender regard to their own Off-spring, shall cast `em off without the least Compassion to receive an Address, and Gallant. You wou`d imagine, if you beheld the Transactions of e'ry Family, it were a Bed­lam, or rather a more Criminal place, where e`ry one is Catching and Prog­ing for himself, with continual Feuds, and eternal Quarrels; and this is that Friendship which you say Nature her self establishes. I pray you there­fore generous Laelius, to tell me what Friendship is in your Opinion.

Friendship I always took to be as I ever practised it with Scipio; A firm and absolute Consent and Agreement in all things both Divine and Hu­mane, join`d with the greatest Charity or Love, and Benevolence, or Good Will, demonstrated in frequent, and generous Offices to one another; nor do I think Heaven it self has bestow`d any greater Blessing on Mankind ex­cepting Wisdom.

That was just the Idea I fram`d of it; but I find by Experience, there is never two in one Age to make up one pair of such Friends, which if there were, nothing certainly were to be prefer`d to `em.

There were those in my time too that did prefer Riches, Health, Power, and Honours to it, nor were we without some Brutal Minds that thought Pleasures more desirable. But certainly, they were not a little in the wrong, for the first were the Proprieties of Fortune, more than of our own Industry, and of a frail and fading Nature; and as for the last, they were only Emulators of the Beasts, who enjoy`d those Delights in a more elevated manner than any of them; not considering that Friendship afforded the most solid and lasting Pleasure. Nor were we without some sceptical Gentlemen, who for a cloak to love none but themselves, plac`d all their Delight (as they pretended) in Vertue, as their Summum bonum: Whereas that very Vertue they Idoliz`d, is the Mother of the Friendship I contend for, since I have laid it for a Fundamental Maxime, That none but the Vertuous can be true Friends; nor am I able to set forth the incredible Advantages Friendship has among such Men. For what Man living is there that cannot repose him­self in the mutual Good Will of his Friend? What is there so delightful? What so charming, as to have one with whom you can as freely Discourse all your Concerns as in your own Thoughts? Where wou`d be the mighty Fruit of Prosperity, if you had not one that shou`d rejoyce with you, and take as much satisfaction in it as your self? And Misfortunes wou`d be almost insupportable, if we had not a Friend that shou`d bear `em with greater Re­gret than ones self. In short, all other Goods which we hunt after and desire, are stinted to their several particular Advantages, Riches for use, Power that you may be fear`d or courted, Honours that you may have the Applauses of the Vulgar, and Pleasure that you may Rejoyce, and Health that you may be free from Grief, and perform the Functions of your Body; but Friendship is of [Page 9] general use; nor can you turn your Thought to any thing where you will not find it necessary; 'tis never out of season, nor ever impertinent and trou­blesome; nor is Water, Air, or Fire, of greater necessity than Friendship in all places, and in all times; for it heightens good Fortune, and alleviates bad by Communication with a Partner. Whoever beholds a true Friend, re­ceives as it were another Self, and is present with the absent, has Plenty in Distress, and Health in Sickness, and that which is most surprizing, survives his own Funeral. This was the Blessing that made me value Life, nor with­out it do I think, should the Golden Age return, and the Native Innocence of Mankind with it, and Astraea once more Visit the Earth, I should desire to live again; unless Scipio, my Scipio, were to be with me in the same Noble Bond of Friendship.

As there is little hopes of the Return of Justice and Peace to the World, so I conclude you will endeavour to remain where you are: and be­hold, yonder approaches on all the Wings of Generous Love, your Illustrious Scipio.

Whom with as much eagerness I will meet, whilst the mad, sense­less World above, are ignorant of our Bliss, and continue their incorrigible Follies.

He's gone, and now nothing is wanting to complete my Happiness but such a Friend; but yonder I see the Ghost of my honest old Steward who serv'd me at Athens, nor forsook me with the rest; him I will select for my Companion, to wear out Eternity with, without adventuring any more into the World.

SCENE, Hell.
The SESSIONS of CUCKOLDS.

HOld! Porter, shut the Gates of this our August Court, that we may not be thus throng'd. Let no more come in, till we have clear'd the Bench of these Numbers we have before us already.

Mighty Emperor, your Commands shall be obey'd.

Now, my Noble Lords, set we our selves to search and examine what of late Years brings daily such Gluts, and Spring-Tides of Souls to our Infernal Mansions, especially at this time when neither War, Famine, nor Plague, are abroad in the upper World, or at least in that part of it from whence I ob­serve most of this gang arrive; Europe I mean, if there were War, twou'd be no wonder so many were damn'd, the Liberties of the Sword surprize enough in their sins to throng our Courts of Justice; nor is the Plague without Advantages for us that way; the few that have Spiritual Relief in such contagious and quickly destroying Distempers, increase our Crop: and the general Cruelty of Mankind is such, that in Famine, those that have will keep for Themselves and their Doggs, and let the rest of their own Species perish, without so much as a pitying Look; and this makes many ATHEISTS in their Wants, and does that without our instigation which we cou'd not persuade JOB to do, that is, Curse God, and die.

But, my Lords, when none of these our Loyal Vassals are abroad, 'tis not strange that I am to seek in the cause of this great Concourse at our Tribunal; [Page 12] and therefore that Vertue, for want of Reward and due Praise, may not slacken, we will examine to what industrious Friend we owe this unexpected Success. Wherefore, you Minor Devils, and Under-Officers of our Court, bring them in or­der to the Bar, and let no Devil of Honour that has past that inferiour Office of touching the Uncleanness of Humanity, defile himself with too near an Approach to any of them.

Speak Criminal. Whence art thou? Of what Nation, Quality, or Conditi­on in the World? And what`s the Happy cause of thy coming hither?

First Segnior, adjust some Points in Dispute, which highly concern the Honour of our Country, and the Decorum of Good Breeding; and I shall for all this Noble Train that follow me, answer to your Devilships Queries. Coming to the Confines of your flourishing Empire, we were met by some of the Officers of this Honourable Assembly who gave us safe Conduct to your Royal Presence; But, just now entring into these Lists confronted us a company of paltry Scoundrels, and press'd for Precedence, swearing that as they were Englishmen, they ought to take place of all that were damn'd for Cuckolds: We urg'd our Title in Heraul­dry, that we ought to take place of all Nations, being the Successors of the once Masters of the Universe. But they were deaf to Reason here, as well as in the World, and one swore D—me, Bl—d, and Z—ns, another Oaths all round the Compass; and in this Volly of Mouth-Granado's, one very demure Gentleman prest by Yea and Nay, that we were in the Wrong. And had it not been for this Honourable Devil here that is a Friend to our Nation, we had been worm'd out of our Birth-right by the Arse and Refuse of the World: Et penitus toto divi­sos orbe Brittanos; as our Noble Country-man has it, Dogs shut out of Doors from all the rest of Mankind. I therefore appeal to this thrice excellent Senate, and you the Right and most Reverend Dog [...] to redress this Affront.

Hey day! What, has not Hell yet brought you to your Senses, that you can think that we Devils are such Sorts to trouble our Heads about the ridicu­lous Whims of Ceremonious Mankind? But since they were to Obstreperous to make a Disturbance in Hell, they shall be the last heard: Therefore pro­ceed to the Question.

An`t please your thrice puissant Devilship, Noble Segnior, I was coming to that point: Therefore to be brief ( for I love not Prolixity) I am, Sir, an Italian by Nation, and a Noble-Man by Quality. My own Vanity, and ill Chance, gave me a pretty Wife, and my Honour made me choose her of an Illustrious House; but she prov'd Lewd and Prodigal; the Natural Issue of Beauty and High-Birth, my dotage on her Charms had bred in me such a fond, blind, uxori­ous Vice ( which my Country-men are seldom guilty of,) that I was almost ruin'd before I found I was betray`d. But travelling toward Genoua, I met the Spark, my pretended Friend, on the Road to my Dwelling; I seemingly pass`d on my way, but in the Night return`d unexpected, and surpriz'd `em all: And therefore as my Honour bid me, I murder`d him, and baked him in a Pye, and ( ingeniously in my Revenge) swore she should eat no other Food but her Lo­ver; the Crust she a while did eat; but one day having prepared a Stelleto, at Supper she dispatched me thus to your thrice Noble and Illustrious Devilship.

Very well! and worthy thou art of such a punishment that coud`st not forgive Beauty a gentle slip of that Nature thou hadst thy self so often transgress`d that way. Speak the next.

I am also an Italian; and observing a Gentleman often ogling my Wife, which she did not a little encourage, I sent a Bravo to dispatch him (for we Italians do not love to look Revenge in the Face our selves) but the Rogue of a Bravo won by my Wife, and by a greater Sum of Mony of my Adversaries, comes back to me, and cuts my Throat: And this most Noble Segnior is most of our cases, our Wives have given us the casting-throw for Damnation.

You, the rest of this Malignant Train; is this true that your Wives have sent you hither?

Yes, yes, we have all had Wives.—All the Plagues of Egypt let us undergo, but no Wives, we most humbly beseech your most Noble Devil­ship.

Prayers are in vain, Transgressions are to be punish'd by the same way they are committed; nor must you be your own Carvers here in Hell, Gentle­men; away with them down into Cuckolds-Cave, Ten thousand Fathom deeper than the Whore-Masters, and next the keeping Cullys, and let each have two Wives to torment him.

O Wives! Wives!

Proceed to the next Band. Say what were you in the World, and what dear Sin brought you to this place?

Great Prince of Darkness and Lord of the greatest part of Man­kind, may it please your Catholick Majesty, I was by my worldly State and Condition, a Spanish Grandee of the first Magnitude, rich as Fortune, and an indulgent Prince well cou`d make me (for your Devilship must know our King is but a Sheep for us to Fleece when we please, which we do in all places, letting his Souldiers and inferiour Servants starve) happy, till too much Success was my undoing; for by that I gain'd the Lady I lov`d, and so in one unhappy word was Marry`d. 'Tis tedious to repeat the Injuries I re­ceiv`d from the ingrateful Fair, who after all to make room for another, sent me away ( like an Italian as she was) in all my Sins, with a poisonous Draught.

Is the same your Fate, you the rest of this besotted Crew, that have met with just Punishment from one part of your selves, for preferring your private Grandure before the Service of your King, and Honour of your Country?

Yes, yes; Thirst of Honour and Wealth made us cheat the King, that drew down the Judgment of Wedlock, and that brought us to this long Home and Feind of Matrimony.

Away with these, and drive 'em out of their Snails pace.

Just may be their Punishment, most Noble Devil; but why shou'd I be condemn'd to Wincing, who was so far from cheating the King, that I cou'd never get my Due of him, and being a Gentleman born, never did any thing below my Extraction, and have went without a Meal many a time, rather than degrade my self to get one: And tho I cou`d arrive to it no otherways, yet kept up my part still in stately Walk, and my Wallet, tho I had no Bread for either, or a Shirt to my back?

Since thy own Folly made thee Marry, 'tis now too late to prate: you must away with the rest.

Bring the next to the Bar: Declare the cause of your deserv`d Damnation; my Life on't these dapper Sparks are in for Cakes and Ale too: the very Air of their Faces speaks them CUCKOLDS.

Sire, May it please your most Victorious Majesty, Vostre Esclave, is a French-man by Birth, and a Leader of the Most Christian Kings, most Magna­nimous Forces: And whilst I with my Commilitones was reaping Lawrels in the Field of Renown, and engaging the Enemy abroad, my Lady Wife (as most of our French Wives will, for having once tasted the Sweets of Love, they'l never have done till they have undone us one way or other) my Lady Wife, I say, was engaging with a Friend at Home, who very genteely gave her the POX, which I at my return, like a gay Cavalier of a Husband, receiv'd of her as genteely without Rebuke, it being no matter of Scandal with us. But Madam Moiselle Pox proving, a very Virago, gave me a damn`d thrust in Quarto, and sent me hither in Decimo Sexto, Mon Seignieur.

You, the rest speak.

We are all French-men, and therefore you need not doubt the cause, the Pox, and our Wives, Ma foy.

Away with them: They'l make a Fire by themselves, or will serve in­stead of Small-Coal to kindle others; for they are half burnt out already. Place 'em next the Spaniard. The next there speak.

I am by Nation a German, and by Damnation a Husband, a Cuckold, or what you please; for I hate to mince the Matter with a long Preamble, when a Word to the Wise is enough.

Very well, you the rest speak.

Ev'n so, an't please your Imperial Devil-ship: whilst we drank and fought against the Turk, our Wives Whor'd with the Christians. O Wives! Wives!

Away with them into the hottest, for their Carcasses are so soak'd with Liquor, that they'l put out an ordinary Fire; you the next speak.

Gads Sacrament, I am a Member, or rather two Members of the Hogen Mogen Common-wealth of Europe. Two Members I say, for I am a Member govern'd, and a Member governing: for the People with us and in all such Com­mon-wealths, are both Subjects and Masters, govern Laws, and govern'd by the same.

Your Country's name then is Contradiction: Is it not?

Contradiction to Monarchy, tho' set up by some Monarchs to spight o­thers: but to your question Old Tarpaulian, whilst I was getting Money, and drinking Punch and Brandy, to hearten me for the Noble Combats of Snick or Snee, or some illustrious Sea-fight, or some generous undertaking at the Island of Formosa (for a true Dutch-man never fights without his head full of Brandy) my Wife made it fly like Suterkins at home: at last she made me turn Bankrupt, and Cheat my Creditors, and so dying I came with a full Sail, and a brisk Gale into your Port.

You the rest speak.

For our Wives, O Suterkin Hogen, our Wives, Whose Broad built Bulks the Boistrous Billows Bear.

Away with them into the Den of Anarchy and Confusion, below the Founders of Babel.

Numerous Crew, answer me, what has brought you into this Kingdom? and what you were in the World?

D—me, Jack, didst ever hear so silly, and impertinent a Question? as if Marriage was not the only cause of Damnation?

R—t me Ned, as thou sayest, I never heard a Country Justice ask more Ma la propos: but the Devil's an Ass, and so let him pass.

I am an English Man, who after I had been a notorious Cuckold, was perswa­ded by my Wife, to fight the Man that made me so, and was fairly kill'd for satisfaction, as all this Band that follow me were; and we are damn'd for Fools as well as Cuckolds.

'Tis too true, Honour and Wedlock have been our Ruin.

Away with them into Fools Paradise below the keeping Cullies, as the more unpardonable Monsters.

D—me, Ned didst ever know such Fools as they, that could not be satisfyed to live Cuckolds, but must dye so too with a Witness.

R—t me Jack, if ever I was of that fighting Humour, nor did I ever fight but once, and then forc'd to it: but my stays sav'd my Life, and I wore my Glove that was cut in the Rancounter as long as `twould hang on my hand; therefore tho' I knew Sir Roger All-fight kiss'd my Wife: yet as long as I could sup at the Rose, and break the Drawers head if he made not haste, or brought bad Wine, or so, gad I let him kiss her and welcome.

S—nk me, Ned, I was always of thy Mind as long as I could flutter abroad in my Glass Coach, have my Diamond Snush-Box full of Orangeree, or Ro­derigo, &c. D—me if I car'd a rush who rid in my Saddle. But mark that formal Coxcomb is going to speak: Lord! how fine a thing it is to be a Man of Wit, and what a singular figure he makes! but hark, old Gray-beard begins.

Speak you the next.

I was a Man of Quality, of the same Country, but my Fortune being in my youth run out, in France for breeding, and in England by keeping; I thought in my riper years to retrieve all by marrying a City Heiress; but she had by Nature so much of the Mother in her, that by Intreaguing and Equipage, she soon brought me into a worse Condition than before: so that as my last refuge, I was feign to turn Plotter, and being discover`d, was lopp`d shorter by the head, as all this honourable Tribe that follows me were.

Away with 'em.

D—me, Ned, this was a worse Fool than t`other.

R—t me, Jack, vous avez raison: for I always lov'd to keep my self out of the Jeopardy of Action: Jack, I'd talk Treason, or so: sort my self with the disaffected, and blow up the Coals of their discontent, or so: but for Engagements, Covenants, Conditions, and unlawful Assemblies, gad they must par­don me.

Z—ns, Ned, thou and I were always one Man; I could rail at the Magistrates, pen a Lampoon, or at least convey it to Julian, give penny Pyes to the Mob to make a noise, Ridicule the Transactions of the Government, and give squinting Reflections on the King, that was my ne plus ultra; for all that I can see, we are in the best case still Ned; but now our Band advances, let us press forward or our Cause may fail.

Hell and Damnation, all's lost; for look yonder, that conceited Cox­comb my Lord Flippant, presuming on his Quality, has taken upon him to be our Chief, and Spoaks-man.

S—nk me Ned, so say I: I never knew a conceited Man, but he was a Fool; but let`s hear, we may put in an Appeal, or a Writ of Error after­ward, or award Judgment, if our cause be ill handled.

O! what an admirable thing it is to be a Man of Parts?

Speak thou fluttering Fool for the rest of this thy Pea-Cock Gang.

D—me, Sir, I have been a Man of the Town, or ra­ther a Man of Wit, and have been confest a Beau, and admitted into the Family of the Rakehellonians: And D—me, Sir, I think I am much under that Dilemma at present.—I was learn'd in the ingenuous Art of Dum­formding; a Wit I said, Dear Devil I was, and it lay as a Gentlemans shou`d, most in Lewdness and Atheism. I marry'd in jest, or a frollick, which you please, but as I thought a Fortune ( got by Cullys) I was made a Cuckold in earnest; tho` that was no great grievance to me, since it only made me in the Mode: nor cou`d I expect any better, since I knew she was a Whore be­fore I had her, but `twas with my Betters, and so I was content her Mony shou`d pass currant with me, where her Reputation would not; but sharping was her best Quality, and Gaming her greatest Patrimony: and she set up a Baslet Table, and whilst I was at the Groom-Porters throwing a-main, she wou`d be sure to set me at home with a pair of Horns: I seldom coming to my Apartment, but I met some Cully Nobleman or other; but that which was worst, she still had a Knave in her Mouth, or an Alpue in her Tail, that carry`d away all the gain: whilst I was at Will's Coffee-house, fastned in Con­troversy or Poetick Rhapsodies, tho I had neither Religion nor Learning; she was sure of me 'till Play-time, and then too: for at five, come Dick, says I (to a Brother of the Oringe, and Cravat-string) D—me, let`s to the Play: R—t me, says she, 'tis a dull one: D—me, says I, I value not the Play, my Province lyes in the Boxes, ogling my Half Crown away, or running from side Box to side Box, to the inviting Incognitos in black Faces, or else wittily to cry out aloud in the Pit, &c. Bough, or Boyto, and then be prettily, and servr`d by the rest of the Witts in the same Note, like Musical Instruments tun`d to the same pitch: And whilst I was thus generously employ'd, my Consort had her retreat of Quality to be provided of what I fail`d in. From the Play to the Rose, where we drank till four or break of Day, from thence to Bed, where we lay till four or five again, so in infinitum:

D—me Jack, did`st ever hear a Sott spoil a good Tale in the telling so.

Z—ns, Ned, we're undone through this Scoundrels Ignorance and Nonsense: Shall I speak.

R—tt me, if thou wilt, thou may`st; but I am sure I cou`d make more of it: For tho thou art a Man of Witt, and a good Judge of Poetry, and all that, yet R—tt me Jack, Oratory is thy blind side.

D—me, Sir, don`t put upon your Friends; For I have been bred at the University, and think my self as good a Judge as you or any Man a­live: And Sir, were we out of the Court, I believe you wou'd not thus have abus`d me.

Nay, D—me, Ned, now thou art unjust to this Friend: R—tt me, to Quarrel for't, I acknowledg'd thee a Man of Parts, Ned, and all that.

Away with the Gay Sotts, and because I have no Plagues in Hell equal to their Deserts, let them be a Torment to one another. Away with them.

Well Ned, shall I speak before it be too late; you may depend on my Excellence in Oratory: Tis my Talent. I never writ Billet-Deux in my Life; but it prevail'd with the cruel Nymph: And de ye think I can't with the Devil? I'll persuade him out of his seven Senses Man: D—me, I'll make it appear to him, that he is a God, and all that Man: R—tt me Ned, be not obsti­nate.

Z—ns, Sir, no more of that strain. Sir, you'r a Coxcomb. What doubt my Universal Parts?

You with such a busy Face, speak what you are.

Ghost. An't please your Infernal Majesty, I was a Right Worshipful Ci­tizen of London, that famous Metropolis of England; and I have born all the honourable Employments of the same, ev'n to Sheriff and Lord Mayor: I was long of the Court of Aldermen, and one of the chief Spoaks-men of the Com­mon Council: I made Speeches, and pen'd most of the Addresses; But 'tis not for being a Cuekold alone, or that I was feign to cheat so many to maintain my Wifes Pride and Luxury, that I am damn`d with this Right Worshipful Crew here; for those are Crimes common to the rest of our Brother Citti­zens, as well as us; but we were so mad to marry second Wives, and for their sakes turn our Children out of doors, after we had bred them up in all the Ease and Luxury of the Age, to seek their Fortunes in the wild World, and left our Estates to our Wives at our Death, who will be sure to bestow them on some Silly, Hectoring Spend-thrist Bully of Alsatia, or other, and let the Children begot of our own Bodies starve.

Away with that Rank Gang of Fools as well as Knaves, who cou'd so much forget Nature, and it's necessary and known Laws, as to cast off their own Off-spring, to give away their Substance to those that will not only mis­use it, but contemn the Memory of them that were their Benefactors, with so great an Injury to Nature.

May it please your Noble Devilship, to hear me before you give Judg­ment upon us; and I don`t doubt seriously, but I shall offer such Reasons of our Behaviour in that Matter, as shall sufficiently amove that Ignominy your Devilship was pleas`d to cast upon us. First then, tho` it be true that upon my Marriage, I agreed with my second good Spouse to turn all my Children out of door; yet I did it not, till she or I had found some just cause so to do; for some of them were undu­tiful, and others put Tricks upon me (as my good Wife said,) and others were Lewd and Extravagant, and some Self-will`d; so that I deserted none of `em without some Fault. If they were undutiful, was I to blame to punish `em for it? Or was it my Duty to keep and maintain them after they were of suffici­ent bigness to prog for themselves? The Birds and Beasts take care of their [Page 18] Young no longer than till they are able to care for themselves? And why shou'd Man be confin`d to more severe Laws in that Point than his Vassal Creatures? I must profess, on the word of a Citizen, that I can see no reason why a Man that gets his Estate himself, may not give it away to whom he pleases, and none so near and deserving, as the Wife of ones Bosom. What tho` she may have Slips, the Witcherys and Temptations of Love are great to their Soft Sex; and if we have been so imploy`d in getting, that we cou`d not mind that other busi­ness, why shou`d we blame them for easing us by other Supplies, where we wanted Power to give them.

Thou hast spoken as much to the purpose as when in the World thou us`d Harangue at the choice of a Sheriff: And therefore I shall proceed to a singular Punishment for you. Your Argument of punishing your Children for their undutifulness turns here on your own Head; for there you punish them for what you breed `em up to your selves; for when they are little, you encourage their Impudence: And that is a witty Child with you, that can prate saucily and lewdly before he can read, and Swear, and catch the Maids by it before seven Years Old; and then when you have given them their Head without controul, during their Childhood and Minority, you punish them for the Fruit of that Tree which your selves have planted, which is in it self the height of Injustice; but on the contrary, here you are condemn`d for breaking the Laws of your Maker, which you were bred in fear of, and taught to obey: and you that cou`d punish your own Flesh and Blood so for nothing, without relenting, have a just Judgment for being punish`d here without Mercy. And as for their being Lewd and Extravagant, that is no Plea for you, since that is the Lesson you have taught `em both by Example and Precept, from the time of their Birth till their coming to Years of Understanding; for you shall have a Taylors Daughter with you go in the Garb of the Children of a Duke in the Country, and even Miss Ketch be call`d away from the Mob: Your Sons must keep their Horses, and their Whores too, before they know the use of either, and then you punish them for persevering when they are better skill`d. And as for the Birds and Beast (Examples I think unwor­thy to be follow`d by a Nobler Being, or quoted as a Precedent,) they are so far excelling you in that Point, that they educate their Young in the simple course of Nature, not elevating them above what's necessary, nor leaving them, till they have sufficiently enur`d them to provide for themselves, all that Nature re­quires. But just contrary to the Example you quote, you, all the Infancy of your Children, keep them from hardship, and knowing how to live, and to provide for themselves, and then on the sudden cast `em out of their Nest unfledg`d, without teaching `em to fly. Nor is your proud Supposition that you may dispose of your own Gettings more pious or justifyable, unless you will make your selves Gods, and claim the propriety of that, which you cannot carry out of the World with you, no more than you brought it in. `Twas Heav`n that gave Success to your Endeavours, to provide for those other Bles­sings it bestow'd upon you, of fine hopeful Children, and you were in right, but their Tenant for Life to improve your Substance for their good. Nor can you in reason imagine any one deserves it better; for Justice and Reason both will have it, that you that have begot them into the World without their seeking or desires to satisfy your own Pleasure, ought to pro­vide all you can for them, that you brought thus involuntarily into the Maze of Fortune and the Treachery of Mankind. And of all in the World, you have the least reason to leave it to a Wife, that not only betrays the Rights [Page 19] of your Bed, prostituting her self and your Honour to Rascals; but shew`d at first so little Respect and Love for you, as to desire so unreasonable a thing, that you shou'd cast off all the Bonds of Nature, and forsake your own Chil­dren, which she cou`d not but Love if she Lov'd you: For you know the Proverb, Love me, Love my Dogg. Having thus therefore shew'n the Villany of your Crimes, `tis fit I proceed to your just Punishment; for which you are sent hither. You that have thus more than monstrously prevaricated against Nature, shall want all the Benefits of Nature; Fire you shall have, but not to give you gentle Warmth from the Cold of the Season (as when you liv`d, and hugg`d your self in all Epicurism, whilst your Children starv'd) but to scorch your wretched Consciences; and continual fears of burning your Goods, Houses, and Writings, shall attend you; to which shall be added, the piercing Fire of Jealousie, that shall prey upon e'ry part of you; nor shall you be without the knowledge of your Wives Transactions on Earth, and see how they mourn in Sack and Claret, and how they Marry, and Whore, before you are Cold; how they spend that profusely which you scrap`d together to give them, with so much Injustice to your poor Orphans, whose Injuries shall never let you rest, but with all the Fury of Hell for ever Torment you; you, worse than Onan or the Sodomites; away with them whose Villanies raises a Horror, even in me the Prince of Hell, and great Source of all Wickedness.

Ah! um!— Josiah! Verily, who wou`d have thought, that Rebecca wou`d have fal`n with the Ungodly so, or that your Tahitha wou`d have let the Spirit move her, to play with the Calves of Bethel, the wick­ed of Sidon, or the prophane Children of Moloch?

By Yea, and by Nay, Abadoniah, as thou say'st, it was more veri­ly, than cou'd enter into the heart of Man to believe. Why, there was my Neighbour Sad-Face, and my Cousin Goggle, Nahu Sneak-phir, and

was his Fore-name; had they not holy Sisters as to the Appearance of the Flesh for their Spouses; yet behold with them, and with­in the Tabernacles of their Mansions, instead of raising up Seed to the Lord a­mong the Chosen and Godly, they did sacrifice to Baal with the Giants of Moab. Oh Abadoniah! What a falling off was there! What a Backsliding!

1. Oh Josiah! as Thou sayst, Verily, and by Yea, and by Nay, that the Spirit shou'd move us to come to the Dev [...]l for our Necessaries, without a Convenient. But our Lord will remember our Captivity in Babylon.

Sure my Lord, if the Decorum of any place ought to be kept, that of a Court of Justice ought, and not to let a paltry Citt. speak before a Man of the Robe. But in these Popish Times, all Law is neglected, and all its honourable Professors contemn'd and post-pon`d. However, my most ho­nourable Lord and Patron of all that were Black, I shall humbly move this honourable Court, that I may at length be heard, since my Cause is of so great import and concern, and in which the Wisdom of this Court will be highly interested, if it shou'd be brought in Billa Vera, and it wou'd too much reflect on the honour and impartiality of this Court of Judicature, to be slack in indagateing into a Cause of this Weight and Moment. My Lord, [Page 20] before I Open, I shall only premise that I take this to be the High Court of Equity; which granted, I shall begin to open.

I will confess that Statutes in Banco Regis, may prevail, and Custom in the Common Plea`s; but I humbly presume with submission to your Lordships, that this Being a Court of Equity, it will give the Devil

his due. But, my Lord, where a Precedent of the like nature may happen in a Case decided by the Great Council of the Nation, I hope it will not be Foreign, if I alledge it here where it has nothing to do; the Case is paral­lel, as I may say my Lord, considering the Circumstances, that is, in short, Consideratis Considerandis, in Primo Henrici Primi, according to my Lord Cook upon Littleton; and if your Lordships will let us read, you shall find so many gross Errors in the Bill, and the material Objections so fully answer`d, and the Case so singular, that I question not but you will give us Judgment, and Costs, if not Charges and Damages. But my Lord, I do humbly suppose, that part of this Bill ought rather to have been put into an Inditement, and so falls not under the Cognizance of this Court; and that is, my Lord, that we are made Felo`s de se, the Causes of our own Damnation, by an In­strument call d a Wife, value Two pence. Therefore my Lord, if you please to let us try it upon a Jury in any County your Lordships shall think fit. Tho I think in our Case, your Lordships may decide it without further trou­ble; for thus I prove the Negative (hoping your Lord­ships

will let me bring in a Writ of Error) to deny my Lord that we are damn`d, wou`d be perfect Non­sense, and against all Form of Law, yet that we are damn`d for our Wives I presume does not follow. And I will prove, that it does not so undenyably to all that have any profound insight into the Law, that I question not but your Lordships will acquiesce Nemine Contradicente; for tho' it be

For tho' I say, it be true, that our wives spent a great deal of Mony on our Clerks, Et caetera quae nunc perscribere longum est, and Cuckold us as often as they pleas'd in spight of our Teeth, and tho' I will not deny that they were as profuse as Heliogabolus, or Caligula, and as proud as Lucifer (with submission to your Lordships) yet (now comes the Paradox) yet I say (pray mind this) We did not get Mony to maintain their Luxury, but they maintain`d their LUXURY out of the Mony that we got: which I humbly conceive falls not under the same Predicament, but brings us within the Act of Habeas Corpus, that we may not be carry`d away into the Den of ordinary Cuckolds. For to give your Lordships yet a more lively Representa­tion of this matter in question, be pleas`d to reflect on another very pertinent Pre­cedent in my Lord Cook, where John a-Noaks is Tenant only for Life, and John Astiles Tenant in Tail.—

Heyday! What, is it Midsummer-moon with Mankind? What have we got here! A Cuckold horn-mad, prating Nonsense, and salving his Knavery and Folly with a Quirk in Law, a turn of a Sentence? Those Shams won`t take here, where there needs no Fee for Counsel, nor Bribe for Judgment. Away with him, and his Villanous Tribe.

Nay, but my Lord, I humbly move your Honour that we may not be condemn'd Causa indicta, that is not right nor equitable: Wherefore I be­seech your Lordships, to have some regard to me as I am a Barrister of 30 years standing, and a Serjeant of Ten, that you wou'd be pleas'd to reflect, that tho' I cheated the ignorant, and squeez`d and impos`d on the Necessitous.—

Has not Hell yet brought thee to thy Senses? Away with this impertinent Fellow, and all this Black Gang, among the rest of the most deprav`d Cuckolds, but in the deepest Cavern; for whom they shall plead in forma pauperis, till their Lungs crack without Fees; let the Writings of their ill-got Estates be for their Food. Scoundrels that had no more sense, than after they had cheated so many wise and honest Men, to suffer themselves to be abus'd by Women. Away with them, away with them.

As to that, my Lord, I always fetch`d my Dear home in her Coach from her Gallant, who had pawn`d her in a Tavern.—

Away with 'em, I say.—What, am I not obey`d!

Who art thou, with so precise a Grimace?

I was in the World above, most mighty King, of the Reve­rend Crew; and having a handsome Wife, as most of us Love, who was proud, as they generally are; my Benefice (tho good) was too small to maintain the Gran­dure she affected; but I being of a good comely Port, with a pair of broad Shoulders, and sufficient Abilities, and the Man of God to boot ( which made an ea­sy and open way for all the rest.) I ventur'd to crack a Commandment with some of my Wealthy Parishioners Wives, that they being so oblig`d ( according to my Text) might prevail with their Husbands to be the more generous to me in Superero­gatory Offerings, which flow'd all into bottomless Bagg of my Spouses Pride and Lust; for that too must be supply`d.

You the rest of this mad foolish Crew, what are you? and what the cause of your Damnation?

What ragged Regiment are you that lagg behind your Fellows? What are you the Black-Guard of the Cuckolds?

No Royal Pluto, no: (Altho indeed we are the poorest Cuckolds that come hither, I believe) we are of the Learned Rout.

Hold, hold, I know your Tribe of old; if you once get to repeating your Works, or into the Jingle of your Rhimes, you'll never have done. Away with `em to Old Sternold and Hopkins, and the rest of the Crambo-Sparks: Ye senseless Scoundrels, that make Wives of your Muses when Single, and Whores of your Wives when Marry`d.

Clear the Court, and let no more come in: The Fatigue of this Sitting has been enough; For my part, the Follies of Mankind are such, that the very hearing of them, has quite turn`d my Stomach for this Month at least.

Great Sir, here is a throng of Wild Irish that will take no Denyal, but thrust in whether we will or no.

Nay, nay, mee Deer Joy, Chreest bless thee sweet Majestees Face in­deed; poor Teague is St. Patricks own Country-man be Chreest, and poor Teague will come into St. Patricks Purgatory, and if there be no Vacancee, indeed thee must make a Vacancee.

Nay, but this is Hell, and not St. Patrick`s Purgatory. Therefore keep back.

Boo! boo, boo, boo, boo, oo, hoo! Hell indeed! Say`st thou mee Deer Joy; be me Shoul, and bee Chreest and St Patrick, ee was think that hee that was in the High Way to Hell, cou`d not miss St. Patrick s Purgatory, since there is but a Wall betwixt `em.

Ouns stand back, or I`ll send ye back to the Boin, ye impudent Paltroons you.

Boo, hoo, ooo; Bless thee sweet Face of thee indeed, poor Teague will have patience till his good Grace will let him in indeed.

What Noise is that without?

Here is a Troop of Scotts that swear and stare to get in, and beg they may but skull into some cold Corner of Hell (which they wou`d not know from their own Country above) with their Ganymeds from the Fury of their Wives, whom they hear are just following them at their heels. And then here is some Thousands more from Asia, Africa, and America, push`d on with the same fear: But I`ll keep `em here in the Lobby till your Infernal Majesties more at leisure.

Do so.—For the horrid Nauseousness of these Sotts have almost put me into a Fitt of Vomiting, and Looseness. And now my Lords and Gentlemen that have given your Attendance at this Court, you may depart till further Orders; but tendring my Health both for your sakes and my own, I shall confer the Office of my De­puty on our Right Reverend and Well-beloved Cousin Belzebub, Prince of the Flyes; for I am unable to undergo this Fatigue any more.

I humbly beg your Majesty wou`d excuse my Age, and give me my quietus. Here is Prince Satan, an Able and Active Devil, and Worthy your Choice.

Good Prince Belzebub, you might have spar'd your good Word; for I shall beg to be excus'd, if my former Services may be respected; for I had enough of Mankind when I tempted Eve, she foil`d me so at my own Weapon. [Page 23] Therefore I hope your Majesty will confer that troublesome Employ on some Devil of less Quality than my self.

So be it then, and let the Mobb of Hell make Choice of one, for I am resolved to trouble my self no more about 'em. But before we rise, let Proclamation be made of a general Play-day and Jubilee for all the lesser and laborious Rank of Devils, who have been thus long continually employ'd in damning Mankind; let them take their ease as long as Matrimony prevails above; for now our business is much better done by Woman to our hands: Or if any are so zealously enclin'd to be still busy for the good of their Country, let them employ their Time and Talents to better purpose than formerly, in persuading the [...] World against Caelibacy by stigmatizing all that affect it with the Names of Whores, Rogues and Hippocrites; and if that prevails, we gain one Point, and Widdow'd Heaven may bid good night to Mankind. For if we get `em into our Noose, we may be sure of our Pur­chase. Let none therefore loiter away his time in tempting the Marry'd, for one Woman will out-do a Legion of you.