THE DEVIL^' S JOURNEY TO LONDON: OR, The Visit Repaid NED W—D.
Being a Satyr sent to Physicians College in Warwick-Lane.
Written by an Apothecary.
LONDON, Printed in the Year 1700.
THE Devils Iourney to London, &c,
IN Caverns of the black
Abyss of
Hell,
Where damned Souls in torment ever dwell,
Weeping, and mourning at their dismal state;
Repenting of their Sins; But ah too late!
Pluto retires, that he might espy,
What Order there was, how his Tyranny
Was exercis'd, and his Commands obey'd:
The
Ghosts at his damn'd Presence are dismay'd;
They dreading his Commands, amazed stand;
The
Furies quake, and trembling do demand,
Great
Pluto, chief in
Hell, what Force, or Arms,
Or mighty Monarch, now thy Court alarms,
That thou in person doest appear, or come
On some vile Wretch to order worser Doome;
If any here has done the least of Ill,
Tormented shall he be, by
Devills Skill;
Example shall he be, that here below,
Damn'd
Souls, and
Devils may thy Power know:
Thus cringing did they stand, quaking with Fear,
What Answer
Pluto gave, who did appear
Stark mad with Rage, which made the
Devils quake;
And the dark
Caverns of deep
Hell to shake:
Amaz'd Powers of
Hell come crowding down;
To know the cause; each
Fiend now fears his own.
[Page 4]
Pluto at last, to them does thus reply;
My Friend
Ned W—d has told a cursed Lye;
Crouds of Lawyers, Doctors, and their Slaves,
He says, are here;
Poets worst of Knaves;
Pimps, Whores, and Bullys, and another Throng;
Which now for to reherse would be too long:
Some of all sorts, are here, but if you view
London (I think) may equal this damn'd Crew:
Great Sinners come not to my Court, but they
Send lesser ones before, to make the way:
Besides what crouds come in; my Friend
Ned W—d
Must have a place for him, and all his Guard
Of
Scribling Poets; who do spy the Town,
Nay,
Hell its self; (because it is their own)
Since my Friend now has twice been so civil;
To Journey down to
Hell to see the
Devil;
We must repay his visit, its unkind
His
Tripps, and
Journeys not at all to mind;
If we don't visit now as heretofore,
The
Sot takes pet, by chance comes no more;
For ye all know, it is my constant way;
When Strangers do come here, I make them stay,
They're welcome as my self, this place is free,
As in
Begining, to
Eternity:
But him I did let go, for I knew well,
There's ne're a place, so fit for him as
Hell:
The second time, I let the Knave pass on
For pitty sake, since that he Lives upon
The
Spying Trade. But to the Court its known,
Next time he comes, the
Devil knows his own:
[Page 5]First I intend a Journey for to take,
In
Charons Boat, I'le cross the
Stygian Lake:
And see how fares old
England, Why main't I
The
Earth, as well as they, dare
Hell espy?
What Mortal can resist—
Just as he spoke in comes a sorry Tribe,
Of
Lawyers Clients, who for want of Bribe;
And
Doctors Patients, whom 'twas their Mishaps,
By trusting
Warwick-Lane to cure their Claps,
To post to
Hell, some sleep to death, some kills,
The misinterpreting their
Doctors Bills:
Pluto asks whence they came, that he might know
His Friends above, as well as them below.
When all is told, crys,
See there, make Room,
Then orders each Man what shall be his Doom;
I am ungrateful, if I should deny
That to the
College, I'm oblig'd so high;
But as they come, I strive to quit the Score:
They daily by their Trade oblige me more,
Than
Woman Doctor, Quack, or pocky
Whore.
Pluto now ready strait with speed sets out;
Hells Gates are open'd, the
Infernal rout
Of damned
Fiends, come Crowding thick about,
To know their orders, who the
Scepter sways,
While
Pluto's gone to fetch some greater Preys.
Cerberus barks, and round the damned flys;
Until at last great
Pluto there espyes,
Then silent by his word, he down him lyes.
[Page 6]The fiery Sulphurous waves doe rise,
As if they durst almost to touch the
Skies:
Dam'd Souls all smear'd with Sulphurous Flame,
Colder then Ice, but burning in the same;
While
Devils, with their Forks strives to asswage,
Their own dam'd Torment, shew their utmost rage;
That's ease of all their Torments, when that they
Other Torment; whose sins made them a prey
To
Devils, Spirits, damn'd before the fall
Of
Adam; for whose sin we suffer all:
What Mortal safe can be from their damn'd spite,
Since they in
Heaven durst with
God to fight.
Pluto takes care of all, and does Commend
The Care of
Hell, to his chiefest
Fiend;
Tell them he's sure, his Labour won't be lost,
His
London Journey sure will quit his Cost.
Then this black
Prince, with his Curst
Hellish Crew,
Like Lightning in the Air so swift he Flew
Over
Hills, and
Mountains which did over run
With those Men's blood; who were by sin undon.
Now past the dismal dark Eternal Night,
The gloomy Light appears to their Sight:
The Sulphur stunk upon the cursed Shore:
There might be hear'd the damn'd Spirits roar.
Pluto sends back the
Infernal Spririts, he
Takes only one to bear him Company,
In his
Adventure, orders to retain,
Ned W—d if he comes
Spying here again.
Now come to the River Side they hollow,
Like
Thunder, now the damn'd
Spirits bellow
[Page 7]For
Charon, that he would the River cross,
And bring his Boat, for
Pluto fears the loss
Of time, he long'd to be at's
Journey end,
To see
Ned W—d his dear and loving Friend.
Charon (a lazy Dog) himself down lay
The other Side, that he might pass away
The time, waiting till
Hermes now does bring
Sad
Souls, the Place he us'd to take them in:
He hears a Noise sound from the other Side;
Thinks he this is some of the last curst
Tribe,
Pluto's Court that went, their gone Astray;
They want
Ned W—d to put them in their way.
Charon bethinks himself to see if none,
Had Stoln from
Pluto's Court, and 'twas unknown:
Slily he rows back his Boat, that he might Spy,
Who twas that there; then answers
by and by,
I'le wait on you, Pox take you there Tarry,
Am I your Spaniel Dog
to fetch and Carry:
Though I wait here to carry Souls from hence,
I bring none back, that is the future Tense,
Nor like to Docters, Lawyers
unjust Fee
Will take, but True to Pluto
ever be.
The
Angry Devil now with
Rage Possest,
Retarding of his
Journey, strait he Curst
Charon his Servant, to be damn'd for
Ever,
In the deep lake of Fire, and that he ne're
Should thence return; but there remain to be
Tortur'd as damn'd to all
Eternity:
[Page 8]How dares he not his Masters great Command
Obey? Who dares the
Devil here withstand?
The burning Flames did shine now from his
Eyes,
Charon he finds it's
Pluto, and he Fly's,
With all the speed he Rows unto the Shore;
With thick fetch Strokes, he presently is ore.
When Angry
Pluto Charon doth come near,
He Trembles, first could not Speak for Fear;
But on his
Knees, that Pardon'd he might be,
He Beggs, and Prays, Cause
Ignorant that he;
The mighty
Prince of
Hell, did now design
To Cross the
Stygian Lake, therefore not mine
I Begg the Fault may be, for no more I
Will dare to offer such
Indignity;
But ever, will remain a Constant
Slave
To
Pluto's Court, O Pardon let me have!
Pluto says nothing, but in hast does make
Into the Boat, Commands him strait to take
His Oars, to the other Side to Row;
When he come back he does intend to Show;
What for his Crime shou'd be his Punishment,
Till then he ought to rest himself Content.
Like Angry
College, who possest with Rage;
All
Pharmacy could not the same Assuage;
We finding now our Fees begin to Cease;
And by degrees our
Practice to Decrease:
Of Bankrupt
Docters there is now such store;
That we'le be
Glyster driver who before,
Was look on
Docter: (Ah sottish
Fools)
Leave our
Practice to inspect close
Stools,
[Page 9]When
Doctors Prescribe and attend your A—,
Poets I hope will to the
World rehearse,
And Justice to the
World will sure Proclaim:
The
Pharmark Art deserves the
Doctors Name:
Poor Wretches we since
College Trade decline:
What would we give, that we the first design
Had Crusht, and not so basely steal a Trade,
For now we find deservedly we made
A
Rod for our
Backs, they ye're our Friends,
And we knew well they had no other ends:
Those that in
Coaches Ride, ful oft did goe
To their full Tables, but at
Lord Mayors Show,
And other Treats, what Crowds come sharping then,
Ah
Doctors, Doctors were ungrateful Men.
My Pen cant help the setting forth your Crimes,
I'le place them down for all succeding Times,
As
Felon burnt in
Cheek, to their Disgrace,
About their
Neck, these
Lines or worse we place,
The
Colleges were they were bred Asham'd,
To own these Monsters they have so defam'd
That Place, true
Doctors shun them as the
Itch,
The
Plague, the
Scab, or nasty
Pocky Bitch,
Which they pretend to Cure.
So
Pluto, Charon does to
Hell decree,
For his good Service, and his Constancy,
This mighty
Prince set on the other Side,
Resolves for
London now what ere betide,
Ore
Hills, and
Mountains with his
Imp he goes,
He fly's so quick through
Vallies, Plains ▪ that those
[Page 10]Which were his Friends, he might this once regard,
Being pleas'd to think of Visiting
Ned W—d,
Prepar'd he was with
Gold, which can controul
All Mortal Men; for that can buy the
Soul,
When all Delusions, Cheats do prove but frail
That sure and certain, and does never fail.
What
Murders, Rapes, to get it doe we chuse?
That rules our
Hearts, we durst it not refuse:
O cursed Mineral! from whence didst thee
Derive thy self? vvhat Mortal now can be
Secure from all thy deadly poys'ning Charms?
Thou Curse of curses! who so oft Alarms
Poor Mortals
Souls. from thee there is none free;
Those that possess, or unpossessed be:
Not
Argos Eyes,
Briareus hundred Hands,
No
Earthly Monarch ever thee withstands,
If thou but shows'st thy self, we strait Comply,
Thou'rt like to
Death, none can your claim deny
Pluto himself knew well what Arms to use;
What Mortal doe Reject and what they Choose
He ask't that
Spy, when he was last in
Hell,
Or else by old Tradition he could tell;
His
Imp he orders, Charges that he stray
About the Town, to get as great a Prey
As he could get; now they are at the Place,
Where one crys Smoke the
Beau, what with that Face?
And now begin the
Devil to Disgrace;
Another calls out Sir,
Pray take a Chaire,
A
Coach Sir, you Son of a
Whore my Fare,
The Noise so great the
Devil could not tell;
Whether they make a greater here, or
Hell.
Their
Wiggs Perfumed, and so full of Hair;
Their empty Heads were loaded so for fear,
Least some should steal their Brains out of their Ear▪
The blinded
Braves with Powder, can't agree,
This takes the
Wall, the other thought that he
Deserv'd it better, Damns him, and Swears strait,
Before he goes, shall Satisfaction make.
The other Swears, and out he whipps his Sword,
Abuse a Gentleman, upon my word:
I'l make you know, and Satisfaction give,
As you desire, you
Dog, if I doe Live,
Off goes the
Wiggs the Swords begin to Clatter,
In comes the
Mobb to know what is the Matter,
Part them crys one, another crys no, no,
VVho dares presume to touch a Powder
Beau,
The Fray does end one's Kill'd, the other sent
To
Newgate, where the Quarrel to repent:
The
Beau now parts with
Wigg, Sword, Coat for they
Must bribe the
Jury, pay the
Goalers fee;
At last comes out like
Aesops Bird unknown,
To
Beaus, and
Bullys, Whores they will not own:
This Tatter'd
Rake till he can someway get,
In
Drapers, Cutlers, Barbers, Taylors Debt;
These easy Knaves are quickly put upon,
Their Profit is so great, that few, or none,
VVill here deny to trust you, though unknown.
These
Beaus says
Pluto in my first Troop Ride,
They go to
Hell themselves without a Guide:
[Page 12]I need not teach them, for I now may see
They know the way to
Hell, as well as me.
I'le leave this Crew, and further I will goe,
Seek out my
Spy, and he I'm sure will show
The ways of
London Tricks, and all their feats,
He knows them well cause uses all their Cheats;
The
Devil hunts the Town to find his Spark;
Ranges from
Aldgate to St.
James's-
Park;
Not knowing whom to ask, or what to do,
Vext was he, that he lost his labour so:
Spent all his Time in vain, but he is known,
To all the
Sharpers, Bullys, in the Town:
Therefore I think there is no need to doubt,
But I in time may find this
Sharper out,
He Strays about, till
Newgate he comes to,
Goes up, and asks one of the Theving Crew,
Ned W—d's Lodging if such a one he knew,
Yes, yes, replyed he, I know him well;
I'ts he you mean that has been twice in
Hell,
The same the
Devil cry'd b'ing glad to hear
That like to Speed. I hope old Friend you bear
No harm against him, says the other, I
Do think he is, and none can here deny,
The best of
Sharpers he does far out goe,
That
Newgate ever had, or
Hell can Show:
Well, well my Friend to the Point pray now mind;
Keep strait up
Holborn, and at top you'l find,
A Place call'd
Gray's-
Inn, where if you inquire,
Ned W—d's Garret, that what's you desire;
[Page 13]You'l find him if at Home; I think you may,
Keep strait along, for that's the ready way.
Pluto he thanks him kindly, so they part;
Farewel he cry's, I wish with all my
Heart,
That you might goe with me, but that can't be,
You'l come by turns, ye all belong to me.
The
Devil now Directed right he walks
Unto
Gray's-Inn, round about he stalks
Staring: He finds so many
Garrets there,
He knew not which it was, or how to hear:
Up
Stairs to one he goes, but there none knew,
This
Spying Knave but one did kindly shew,
The
Porters-Lodge; tells him, that he could tell,
He knows us all. (But
W—d he knew too well)
The
Devil thanks him and down
Stairs does goe,
Was ever known poor
Devil Hackned so,
To see what Love he had for him that none
Wou'd serve his turn; but only him alone:
The Town is large, the
Devil might have think't,
Some greater
Rogue, what say'st there is none in't
So great? why then my Pen must honour show,
To this great Master, from whom others know,
All
Arts, all
Tricks and
Cheats, which they have us'd:
It breaks my
Heart that I have him abus'd
If that could be: But hark now some more;
The
Devil's got a Pounding at the Door,
He raps at first, and then he soundly beats,
Within
Ned W—d, he through the Key-hole peeps,
Expecting
Bayliff, Debtor, or some
Whore
He
Pox't, and
Bilk't a day or two before;
[Page 14]To bring her
Bully, to her just Defence;
Or
Grays-Inn Porter to kick him from thence,
Bethinks himself how for to put them off;
At last he Opens, but was very loath
To see his
Visitor. Pluto crys out,
How now Ned W—d
why you are now grown Stout,
Not know your Friends, why surely you and I,
Must be Acquainted better by, and by,
I come on purpose to see you, what not know,
Your best of Friends, your dear and chief Pluto.
I begg your Pardon Sir, replyed
W—d,
For I was now a thinking of the
Guard
Of
Poets; who against me daily
Write,
It makes me Mad to think now of their Spite:
Pray mind them not but Satisfied be,
While I am here, take care and Wait on me:
While I am with you, I am sure none dare,
Affront you therefore let it be your Care,
For to promote my Intrest, by that way,
You'le gain your self a greater Name then they,
Methinks your Furniture
seems very sad,
Your Garrets
dirty and your Bed
is bad:
This Fleay Mat
not keeps you from the Ground,
Indeed I thought in better Case to have found
You, Pluto
here you cannot Entertain,
Those that you Visit
do exspect again,
The same returns of kindness to be shown,
Much more me, for thou art now my own:
The best of Places, that in Hell
can be,
I have Reserv'd, and do intend for thee;
In Hell
I will for all thy Spying Crown:
Thou art Newgates
Joy Tiburns
only Glory,
Thou hast outdone all that went before thee,
For never any went to Hell
to Spy;
They think it soon enough when that they Dy:
I have not time to Tell, or to Pen Down,
What Tricks
Ned W—d did show him of the Town,
That's for the next, I only now will Pray.
To Bless this
Poet then I'l goe my way;
Since this Wretch durst Lampoon my noble Art,
It is but Justice that I speak in Part:
May all Deseases
Doctors can invent,
And all the Plagues of
Hell be on him sent,
Whilst he Lives here, with
Scabs, with
Sores, with
Lice,
Then pocky
Whores to Lust let him Intice;
Till he's Pox't so that in him there may be,
All Poxes in the Town, and none but me
To Cure him, When Sponging
Bayliffs thumpt,
His pocky Bones, his Corps then after Pumpt,
To Jayl be Carry'd, where let him be Fed
With stinking Carrion, next for his Bed,
On harrow Spikes may he be for'st to lye,
And Drink such Drink, which I wish that I
May make: Let every
Star that's in the
Sky,
And every
Sand, that's on the
Shore,
Or in the
Sea, a thousand Plagues send more:
When he can't turn himself from Back to Side,
A thousand
Whores let him be for'st to Ride;
At last when
Pluto no more Plagues can tell,
Let him be for'st, to Foot it down to
Hell,
[...]
[Page 18]To ease his Pains here, which may they be,
Ten thousand more then ever he did see,
Or Fancys are in
Hell: or can for me
Invent: That
Fools and Knaves may let alone,
Others professions, meddle with their own;
From Scribling Wits all Quarrells do derive,
Till they are Stopt our Nation ne're will Thrive.
FINIS.
By reason of the Author being in the Countrey, at the time of the Printing of this Satyr, several Errata's have escaped the Press, which the Candid Reader is Desired to Correct, Especially in Page 8 and 9 Line lege Cause for Curse.