SHe's a thing at first sprung up out of the bottomless Pit, was poked out of Hell with a Taylors Yard, and is indeed the De­vill every way, as Ugly and as Envious. She's an Old Char­cole thats kindled at the lower end, and will be burnt out ere long with a Pox to Her. She's an Ugly Pus, a bundle of soul Stuff, a filthy Mass of Guts and Garbage, that lives upon the sucking of Her Ale-Taps, and the nick and froth of Her penny black Pots. She's a Gallimautry fars'd up with as many ill ingredients as if B [...]lzebub and all his legions had spent their whole time and study to compose Her. She's the Devills Fire-brand wherewith he keeps a continuall fire in the Hell of Her house: and when He casts her abroad into the open Aire, She flyes about lightning, so that the whole Neighbour­hood is like to be in a Combustion. And if this were not the fire of Hell even unquenchable fire, so many Tuns of Ale as in one day are powred down that unsatiable Gulf of Her Throat, would certainly be enough to quench it. But I remember that very strong Ale will burn when it toucheth the fire, which it must needs do when it comes into that Furnace of her Body which is seven times hotter then that which was heated for the three Children. And in this She thinks her self very Politick, that of plain Ale She can so easily make burnt Ale; but She may thank the Devill for that faculty.

He that hath come once by her door, hath been in the Suburbs of Hell; but he that comes into her house, will find an Hell upon earth: I hope [Page 2]no man that's wise will come there, unless he desire to have a cure wrought upon his body by sweating; for 'tis no other then a Stewes or Hot-House, the fire being continually burning: in which reguard it might serve for a Chymists Shop, or a Glass-House; but She rather deals in B [...]ass and Copper, as I'le tell Her to Her Face.

Mr. Airy, the sure that side of your house next Her be made of Free-stone (and She loves Free-stones) for if it be made of combustible matter, I am sure it stands in much danger. She's no convenient neighbour to border so near upon the Front of a Colledg, for it must needs be offensive and prejudiciall to all Students, to have the Sun perpetually shining in their faces She's beneficial only to her self, for her Face will supply the want of fewel in the Winter: if she does but look upon the Pot, its enough to make it boyl: and she needs not use any candle either day or night, the light of her Countenance is so glorious. Wherefore she is an utter enemy to all Chandlers, there's no candle can burn in her presence, for the greater light alwayes puts out the lesser: She burns daylight, lights a Torch to the Sun, and serves for a Lanthorn at Queens Colledg Gates in the winter nights. She is the Comer or Blazing-Star, which appears over against Queens Colledg; and sometimes would seem to portend strang things, but they alwayes prove false: or, she's the morning star, viz. Verus, and loves to be in conjunction with Jup-it-her; and that's the reason some of her progeny are so Venereal.

Her Face would make a fit Meddall in Copper, upon which for a Motto there should be in Capitalls ingraved IMPUDENCE. Her eyes are two gogling sparkling Globes, between which and her mouth there's a pretty speckled painted jewel, from whence there daily flows a Cream-pot of Nectar. By her Omega's nose, she should have been Related to the late Tyrant Oliver; and its no great wonder to see such a copper Nose upon a brazen Face: or, by some other parts of her, she should have been related to the Hairy woman, I warrant one might get many a pound by shewing her naked at Market Towns and Fairs; for no man can easily imagine there's such a Monster in Nature, unless he see it.

She can sing, Drunk and Sober again, three or four times a day: the Pot and the Pipe are her sole delight, and seeing they are such loving companions, she seldom parts them, & is seldom without them: For her mouth is a bottomless Pit, from whence the smoak continu­ally ascends both day and night: and out of it withall, worse then the Locusts, Words sharper than Arrows, a Tongue more sharpe then a two edged Sword: And its alwayes wandring about the Town; its worse then a vipers, is like a sharp Rafor that cutteth deceitfully, is set on Fire of Hell, and full of deadly Poison. It is nothing but a burning Link, whose flames will kindle upon all things that come near it.

Her Teeth she borrowed of some Horse or Elephant which had got the Rot, and therefore they will be gon out of Town ere long; her [Page 3]Nose and her Chin intend to meet about it:

Her Chin is double like her Tongue; it is such a mass that if it were tryed, it would afford grease enough to make two or three pound of kitchin-stuff.

But to conclude concerning her Face, it must be a pretious thing, for 'tis set so thick with Rubies and Carbuncles, that it would dazle the eyes of an Eagle to behold it.

Her Head stands upon a stately Pillar as white as the Reddest-Corall: And a little lower are two great bosses made of leather bottles as big as Gogmagog Hids, from which there hang two such Labells or Teats as if the Devill had been sucking the Witch.

Her Bum is bigger than any barrel, which she drags after her with a great deal of gravity. As for her belly I cannot describ that, because I can­not come at it, for its convered with hair; which every year she shaves off, enough to make forty Merkins: & it is longer than ordinary, or else they are lyars that have seen it. But least I should come too near her Copy­hold, I'le go up again to her Hands; for she loves that Hands and Belly should come together. She hath pretty little hands, which will serve her for small use; but its not much matter, for as it seems she was made rather to be handled then to handle. To come a little nearer, Her Belly is a Butt, for all that come to shoot at, ( Cupid hath often shot her between wind and water) and they may have a foul (I had almost said a fair) mark, which they may easily hit if they please: yet I will not say they may easily hit the the white, for ther's no such thing there.

Her Thighs are not much bigger than the Pillars in St. Maries Church; and her Leggs are proportionable, which makes her stand to her tacklings so well, even as she would have others Stand to her. And now I am come to her Foot, I'le trace out her good qualities, which are every whit agreable to the comely proportions of Her Person.

If you know the nature of the Devill, you know hers exactly; for all her study is calumny and slander, in which she takes more delight then in eating her daily bread. She would indeed do all other kinds of mischeif if it were in her power; but the curst Cow hath short horns. And seeing she hath no other Instrument then her tongue that stands her in much stead, she puts that to the most use that may be, and lets it alwayes be wagging.

Her Throat is an open Sepulcher, wherein lye buried many honest peoples Reputations. It is so wide that no kind of ly will choak her, though never so monstrons. And in this Art her wit is as pregnant, as if she had lately been at the Devizes: but her Tongue alwayes runs, before her Wit, even as her Invention before her Judgment. She's the most abominable of all lyars: she'l lye both backward and forward: the Devill himself the Father of lyars cannot out ly her, though any man may easily over lye her when he pleases. It should seem as if she did it for a wager; for she tells the biggest and most monstrous [Page 4]she can devise, and then lyes again in forswearing them: So that her word and her oath are both alike; for none that knows her will be­lieve her for either any farther then they can see her. It was never known yet, that any that ever came near her hath escaped the lash of her slandrous Tongue, which now in all peoples account is no slan­der. She's a perfect Flatterer, and a secret Enemy: she'l saun upon you like a Spannel, and yet indeavour to cut your Throat. Oh! how she hugs her self when she hath gotten something that she thinks is a slanderous report by the end. She makes it her next businesse to augment it & blaze it abroad: Or rather than fail, she'l presently raise a scandal upon any body; and when she hath done, kneel down and imprecate bitter things upon her self, and utterly forswear her words. O, the horred imprecations enough to make sober people fear the house would come down upon their heads, or that the earth as weary of such a sinfull burden, would open her mouth and swallow them up. But if all this will not serve, but that she must needs confess somthing, she'l turn Cat in the Par, and quite alter the story: or if there be such witness, that its impossible for her to evade any part of it, then she cryes that she spake it in her Ale, or in her Anger: but she shall be made to suffer for it, when she's Sober or not Angry. And when the lavishness of her tongue hath brought her into some danger, she can easily com­mand Crocodiles Teares, (with which she would seem to wash away the foulnesse of her offence) when she hath most minde to devour you.

The cheifest accusations with which she charges every one, is con­cerning their honesty: And the reason why she so much misdoubts o­thers, is because She had never much her selfe. Her cheifest spite is a­gainst all young women that live honestly; for she would fain have them like her self, that so they might not have so much cause to com­plain of her.

All men that are seen at any other house then hers, (though ne­ver so sober or honest,) shall be presently tearmed either Drunkards or Whore-masters; but in her house they may be both if they will, without offending her. And all young women in her opinion are Whores, and she will not stick to say so; but The veriest Whore cries Whore first. She's an ugly snotty Whore her self, and hath given many a snotty nose to others; but more especially to Mr. E. who before he could make it clean, blowed out his life: And Mr. Price the Chirugion was fain also to dose her with a Medicine to cool her Aquavitae. The Daughter also begins to follow the Mothers steps pretty exactly: for She's of the Lemman breed, and right Lemman colour, which (what ever others think,) she takes to be no stain in her reputation. A few arguments will prevail; she'l prove a windfall with the least breath. I could name several that have done what they would with her upon the bed by the fire side. She begins already to weare the badges of her trade: its none of her goodnesse that buds out so fast, that she's fain to wear four or five black Patches upon her face at once to cover the Scabs: the heat begins to fly up into her Nose, which perhaps may bid her adieu ere [Page 5]long. I am sure her extraction cannot any way intitle her to the Imi­tation of a gentle-woman; for she was at first sucked out of the Tap­hole, to which she naturally returns like a Bitch to her vomit, and like a Sow to her wallowing in the mire. But why should I be so Satyri­call? I hope for the future she'l take heed of bespewing her silk Gown again: Her Mother gave hea sound rattle for it, and cal­led her Whore, and told her she could sit all day at the Pot and the Pipe, and yet not commit such a gross absurdity so visibly. In a word, this young Landaprides would fain make her self that which God nor Nature never intended; for if melted grease upon turd-colour be handsome, then she may be called Handsome: But if I were desired to give a Character of her, it should be in short, much to this purpose; She's a thing that sometimes appeares in a silke Gown, with black pat­ches on her face, (marry come up here,) and would fain seem to be a Gentle-woman, but is indeed nothing but a Tap-wench thats newly sprung up out of the froth of a black pot; and having passed once through her Mothers Alembick, is Chymically converted into the more salacious froth, Venus; so that I need not tell you what she is in plain English, for her very extraction entitles her to levity, and the foulness of the Subject I am now in handling induces me to brevity, (in­tending another time to give her a whole broad-side unlesse she mends her manners,) that I may return to the business from whence I have made [...]ome digression.

Do but ask the old Devill if she ever knew Colonell Zouch, (I could name severall others which I willingly omit,) and mark if her fiery face be not tinctured with a double dye: if she sayes she never knew him, I say he hath known her too often, if his own confession be a suf­ficient testimony. She was served but a Sly trick when one of her companions falling out with her, told her; Oh, she had it in her head, she had it in her head, she'd go make her husband a Cuckold too, that she might have some body to take her part. She sent the poor man out of this miserable world with so great a pair of horns on his head, that probably he could hardly get to heaven; for the way thither is said to be but narrow, and therefore no horned beasts to come there. Neither did it make much for her credit when her husband went half way to Bill, and making a shorter return then she expected, came home and found another man in bed with her. She Capricorn'd his Cox­comb, and congratulated his return with a Chasing-dish of Hornicom­bustulated Metaphor's. But he told her, if she used to play him such lessons on the Horn-Pipe, he would play to her on the Baggage-Pipe, and make her dance out of dores. Some Whores use to draw mens Lips into their mouths, as if they should say I would have you within me: But she uses also to thrust her Tongue into mens mouths, as intimating that she would have them do her a courtesy by thrusting something into her mouth beneath. If she denies any of these things I'le swear that She's a more impudent lyar then the Devill, and that her Face is nothing but the Bo's of a great Brass. Andiron bespangled [Page 6]with Glow-wormes, and set upon the rotten Standard of a putryfied body qualified with those conspicuous Vertues of naturall Dishonesty and artificiall Dissimulation, such as becomes none but her Country-folks the inhabitants of Hell & such as was never known to proceed from any less Devills then Lucifer and Belzebub to whom she is great Grandame. But her kissing is done at her upper lip, because there's nothing to co­ver the deformity: and almost at her lower lip too; and they that have had most at either, do now loath her as much as ever they did the stinking carkasse of an old Whore roasted with the fire within her own bowells.

But alas poor woman, she should now be an object of my pitty, not upon whom I should wreak my fury; wherefore I would willingly speake a good word for her to help recover that credit which is lost: but if I should call her a proper woman, it would be false Grammar; for she was never known to be Proper, but alwayes Common. One might imagine her to be right in all her dealings; in some she's sure enough as right as one's legg, for she hath alwayes been ready to do with other men as she would have them do with her. She should seem to be valiant, for she'l bring down three or four lusty men upon their knees, and more too if the first should not stop her course. The way how she so easily overcomes, is thus; she fights like a Bear lying on her back, and if any man comes at her with a single Rapier, she draws him in presently. Thus she thinkes to fright men by giving them the forked end: And to speake truly, I believe she hath something there that's enough to frighten any man that would possibly be frighted. I pray you object not that she's poor and beggarly, for she hath made shift to get her Daughter a silk Gown, though she be but old Mother Red-Coat, herself: and you onght not to blame her, seeing she cannot now so much as she used to do, lye backward her self, and let out her fore-roomes; especially not at so high a rate as when Ox­ford was beseiged: that was then a great part of her livelihood. But yet she hath a colts tooth, she'l lap as much as two young kitlings if any man would give it her: she'l milk the Bull as well ever an old Cow in this Shire: She's never satiated, as you know the fire will devour all things, and burn them too, if they come there. I might com­mend her for a great linguist, for she hath a double tongue, and and as much language as would serve half a dozen women: and she speakes The French as perfectly as any woman in Turnbull street. She would surely make a good Trumpeter, for she hath a strong breath: Neighbours, pray you keep your dores and windows close shut, for when she opens her lips, there comes forth a stench more noisome then that of a Charnell house, the sent of her rotten trunk is more infectious then the pesti­lence. You may know where she is before you see her, for you may smell her long before you come at her; but I think he that hath seen her once, will never desire to see her again. Thus when I go a­bout to commend her, I am apt by sisting a fresh, to find some other faults: Yet I might say she's pleasant and lightsome; but you'l say [Page 7]she's light all: and I know she's light enough in a double sense, but it serves only like an Ignis fat [...]s to mislead men running between the legs. Nay, if you knew all, you might think her a Witch, because she's burnt alive: but rather she should seem a Phanatick, because she's al­wayes led by the light within her; and therefore can seldome erre, for for if she doth but follow her Nose, she follows Torch-light: or, for failing, her Belly may serve for a dark Lanthorn, for she alwayes car­ries a pocky fire in it. She may be thought a Pharisee, for she affects (more then becomes tap-wives) the highest seat in the Church: Nay, she is so delighted in climing, that when she's at home, she'l clime up sometimes ten Steries high, and like a Jugler, alwayes present you with false things instead of true. But what ever our misapprehensions may be, she'l be found at last to be a Fisher: Yet I am sure she's no Kings Fisher; for when she appeares, 'tis more the sign of a Tempest then a Calm. But she's a Fisher of Men, she catches flesh far oftenest: and if they have but half a Crown to pay sees, all is fish that comes to her Net. But what do I talk of? She's a Planet, both a Deceiver and a Wanderer, the Character of a Whore; for her feet abide not in her own house. If you ask what Planet, I answer she's very Martiall, fierce and full of contention: yea, she should be altogether Mars by that ru­bified bespangled constellation of her countenance: yet from some of her qualities I might tearm her Verus, but that she's none of the For­tunes, nor none of the fairest, and is alwayes combust under the Sun­bcames.

But for all this that hath been said, I think she hath a better opinion of her selfe then others have of her; otherwise she would never ly? so ecure at open guard, and lay her selfe open to the world that all men may do what they will, but that she deems her vertuous actions (though they be but few,) may redeem her credit (which is but small) which yet she imagines not so much diminished, because (whatsoever he actions he) she thinks she may do what she will because she hath alwaves a good colour for it.

But now I'le make hast, because I begin to perceive in her some Symptomes of mortality: her good name is already buried before her; I suppose her carkass will follow ere long, for she stinks above ground. Yet rather then want a Name, she shall have a bad one, & she shall be rebaptiz­ed for it is Styx the black river of Hell, that so the pitch that shall stick up­on her fore-head, may be a worse brand of her infamy then that of Cain's. She shall be named Alecto-Tysiphone-Megaera, for all the three Furies join­ed together make up but one Mrs. Fisher. A wisp, a wisp, and a cucking­stool for the Butter-whore: all the Hucksters at Carsax and Oyster-wo­men at Billings-gate cannot be heard so far as she by a quarter of a mile. She is not composed of the Four Elements like other creatures, she owes her originall onely to fire and water; and they two meeting in one, may be the reason why the Thunder and Lightning come so oft from her Coasts. The predominancy of the Sulphur is a sufficient indication of the inequality of her composure, by which she cannot [Page 8]live long: nay, she had never survived hitherto, but that Atropos with a dull knif vowed to give her many a sore scotch ere she should be put out of her pain. But the stench of her corps doth so anoy me, that I am now forced to forsake her, and leave her to the next ditch or dung­hill, having already according to her own deserts laid her open to the world.

There's a great deal more behind, which I omit at Present, being unwilling to defile any more clean paper with so foul a subject. I am only sorry that I have so taken my fare-well of the University, that I cannot be there present to give Verball testimony to what I have here written. But all that know her, know all I have said to be true, and a great deal more, which you shall have next opportunity.