A Diurnall is a puny Chronicle, scarce pin-fea­ther'd with the wings of time: It is an Histo­ry in Sippets; the English Iliads in a Nut-shell; the Apocryphal Parliaments book of Maccabees in sin­gle sheets. It would tire a Welch pedigree, to reckon how many aps 'tis remov'd from an An­nall: For it is of that Extract; only of the youn­ger House, like a Shrimp to a Lobster. The originall sinner in this kind was Dutch; Galliobelgicus the Protoplast; and the modern Mercuries but Hans-en-Kelders. The Countesse of Zealand was brought to bed of an Almanack, as many Children, as daies in the year. It may be the Legislative Lady is of that Linage; so she spawns the Diurnals, and they at Westminster, take them in Adoption, by the names of Scoticus, Civicus, Britanicus. In the Frontispice of the old Beldame-Diurnall, like the [Page 58] Contents of the Chapter, sits the House Com­mons judging the twelve Tribes of Israel. You may call them the Kingdoms Anatomy before the weekly Kalender: For such is a Diurnall, the day of the moneth, with what weather in the Com­monwealth. 'Tis taken for the pulse of the Body politike; and the Emperick Divines of the As­sembly, those spirituall Dragoone [...]s, thumb it ac­cordingly. Indeed it is a pretty Synopsis; and those grave Rabbies (though in point of Divinity) trade in no larger Authors. The country-Carrier, when he buyes it for the Vicar, miscalls it the Vrinall: yet properly enough; for it casts the water of the State, ever since it staled blood. It differs from an Aulicus, as the Devill and his Exorcist; or as a black Witch doth from a white one, whose office is to unravell her inchantments.

It begins usually with an Ordinance, which is a Law still-born, dropt, before quickned by the Roy­all Assent: 'Tis one of the Parliaments by-blowes, (Acts being legitimate) & hath no more Syre then a Spanish Gennet, that's begotten by the wind.

Thus their Militia (like its patron Mars) is the issue only of the mother, without the concourse of Royall Iupiter. Yet Law it is, if they vote it, though in defiance of their Fundamentalls; like the old Sexton, who swore his Clock went true, what ever the Sun said to the contrary.

[Page 59]The next Ingredient of a Diurnall is plots, hor­rible plots; which with wonderfull sagacity it hunts dry-foot, while they are yet in their Causes, before Materia prima can put on her smock. How many such fits of the mother have troubled the Kingdoms, and (for all Sir Walter Erle looks like a Man-Midwife) not yet delivered of so much as a cushion! But Actors must have their Properties; And, since the Stages were voted down, the onely Play-house is at Westminster.

Sutable to their plots are their Informers, Skip­pers and Tailors; Spaniells both for the Land and the Water: Good conscionable Intelligence! For, however Pym's Bill may inflame the reckoning, the honest Vermine have not so much for lying as the publike Faith.

Thus a zealous Botcher in Morefields, while he was contriving some Quirpo-cut of Church-Go­vernment, by the help of his out-lying Eares, and the Ot [...]cousticon of the Spirit, discovered such a plot, that Selden intends to combate Antiquity, and maintain it was a Taylors Goose that preser­ved the Capitol.

I wonder my Lord of Canterbury is not once more all-to-betraytor'd for dealing with the Li­ons, to settle the Commission of Array in the Tow­er. It would do well to cramp the Articles Dor­mant, besides the opportunity of reforming those [Page 62] Beasts of the Prerogative, and changing their pro­phaner names of Harry and Charles, into Nehemi­ah and Eleazer.

Suppose a Corn-cutter, being to give little I­saac a cast of his Office, should fall to paring his Brows, mistaking the one end for the other; be­cause he branches at both. This would be a plot; and the next Diurnall would furnish you with this Scale of Votes.

Resolved upon the Question, that this Act of the Corn-cutters was an absolute Invasion of the Ci­ties Charter, in the representative Forehead of Isaac. Resolved, that the evill Councellours about the Corn-cutter are Popishly affected, and Enemies to the State. Resolved, that there be a publique Thanksgiving for the great deliverance of Isaac's Brow-antlers; and a solemn Covenant drawn up, to defie the Corn-cutter, and all his works.

Thus the Quixots of this Age fight with the Windmills of their own heads; quell Monsters of their own creation, make plots, and then discover them; as who fitter to unkennell the Fox, then the Tarryer, that is a part of him.

In the third place march their Adventures; the Roundheads Legend, the Rebells Romance; stories of a larger size, then the Ears of their Sect; able to strangle the belief of a Soli-fidian.

I'le present them in their Order; and first, as a [Page 63] Whiffller before the show, enter Stamford, one that trod the Stage with the first, travers'd his ground, made a leg and Exit. The Countrey-peo­ple took him for one, that by Order of the Houses was to dance a Morice through the West of Eng­land. Well, hee's a nimble Gentleman, set him but upon Banks his Horse in a saddle Rampant, and it is a great question, which part of the Centaur shews better tricks.

There was a Vote passing to translate him, with all his Equipage into Monumentall-Ginger-bread; but it was cross'd by the Female-Committee, al­ledging that the Valour of his Image would bite their children by the tongues.

This Cubit and an half of Commander, by the help of a Diurnall, routed his enemies fifty miles off: 'tis strange you'l say, and yet it is generally believed, he would as soon do it at that distance, as nearer hand. Sure it was his sword, for which the weapon salve was invented: that so wounding and healing, like loving Correlates, might both work at the same removes.

But the Squib is run to the end of the Rope. Room for the Prodigy of Valour, Madam Atropos in breeches, Wallers Knight-errantry: and, because every Mountibank must have his Zany, throw him in Haslerigge, to set off his story: these two like Bel and the Dragon, are alwaies worshipped in the same Chapter: they hunt in their Couples, [Page] what one doth at the head, the other scores up at the heel.

Thus they kill a man over and over, as Hopkins and Sternhold murder the Psalms, with another to the same; one chimes all in, and then the other strikes up, as the Saints-bell.

I wonder, for how many lives my Lord Hoptons soul took the Lease of his body.

First, Stamford slew him: then Waller out-killed that half a Bar: and yet it is thought the sullen corps would scarce bleed, were both these Man­slayers never so near it.

The fame goes of a Dutch-Heads-man, that he would do his office with so much ease and dexte­rity, that the Head after execution should stand stil upon the shoulders: pray God Sir William be not Probationer for the place. For, as if he had the like kanck too; most of those, whom the Diurnal hath slain for him, to us poor Mortals seem untoucht.

Thus these Artificers of Death can kill the man, without wounding the body, like Lightning, that melts the Sword, and never singes the Scab­bard.

This is the William, whose Lady is the Conque­ror; This is the Cities Champion, and the Diurnalls Delight; he, that Cuckolds the Generall in his Commission: for, he stalks with Essex, and shoots under his belly, because his Oxcellency himself is [Page 65] not charged there. Yet in all this triumph there is a Whip and a Bell: translate but the Scene to Round-away-down: There Haslerigg's Lob­sters were turned into Crabs, and crawl'd back­wards: there poor Sir William ran to his Lady for a use of consolation.

But the Diurnal is weary of an arm of Flesh, and now begins an Hosanna to Crumwel, one that hath beat up his Drums clean thorow the Old Testament: you may learn the Genealogie of our Saviour, by the names in his Regiment. The Muster-master uses no other List then the first Chapter of Matthew.

With what face can they object to the King the bringing in of Forraigners, when themselves en­tertain such an Army of Hebrews? This Crum­wel is never so valorous, as when he is making Speeches for the Association; which nevertheless he doth somewhat ominously, with his neck awry, holding up his ear, as if he expected Mahomet's Pigeon to come and prompt him. He should be a bird of Prey too, by his bloody beak: his Nose is able to try a young Eagle, whether she be lawfully begotten. But all is not Gold that glisters. What we wonder at in the rest of them, is natural to him, To kill without blood-shed: for, most of his Trophees are in a Church-window; when a Looking-glass would shew him more Supersti­tion. [Page 66] He is so perfect a hater of Images, that he hath defaced God's in his own countenance. If he deal with Men, it is when he takes them napping in an old Monument: Then down goes dust and ashes: and the stoutest Cavalier is no better. O brave Oliver? Times Voider, Sub-sizer to the Worms; in whom Death, that formerly devour­ed our Ancestors, now chews the Cud. He said Grace once, as if he would have fallen aboard with the Marquess of Newcastle: Nay, and the Diurnal gave you his bill of Fare: but it proved a running-Banquet, as appears by the story. Be­lieve him as he whistles to his Cambridge-Teem of Committee-men, and he doth Wonders. But Holy men (like the Holy Language) must be read backwards. They rifle Colledges, to promote Learning; and pull down Churches, for Edifica­tion. But Sacriledge is intailed upon him: There must be a Cromwel for Cathedrals, as well as Ab­beys. A secure sinner, whose offence carries its par­don in its mouth: For, How can he be hanged for Church-robbery, which gives it self the benefit of the Clergie?

But for all Cromwel's Nose wears the Domini­cal letter, yet, compared to Manchester, he is but like the Vigils to an Holy-day. This, this is the man of God; so sanctified a Thunderbolt, that Burroughs, in a proportionable blasphemy to his Lord of hosts, would stile him the Archangel, [Page 67] giving Battel to the Devil.

Indeed, as the Angels, each of them makes a several species; so every one of his Souldiers is a distinct Church. Had these Beasts been to enter into the Ark, it would have puzled Noah to have sorted them into pairs. If ever there were a rope of Sand, it was so many Sects twisted into an As­sociation.

They agree in nothing, but they are all Adam­ites in Understanding. It is the sign of a Coward, to wink, and fight; yet all their Valour proceeds from their Ignorance.

But I wonder whence their General's purity proceeds: it is not by Traduction. If he was be­gotten a Saint, it was by Equivocal generation: for the Devil in the father, is turn'd Monk in the son: so his Godliness is of the same parentage with good Laws; both extracted out of bad Man­ners, and would he alter the Scripture as he hath attempted the Creed, he might vary the Text, and say to Corruption, Thou art my Father.

This is he, that hath put out one of the King­doms eyes, by clouding our Mother-University; and (if this Scotch mist further prevail) will extin­guish this other. He hath the like quarrel to both, because both are strung with the same Optick nerve, Knowing Loyalty. Barbarous Rebel! who will be revenged upon all Learning, because [Page 68] his Treason is beyond the Mercy of the Book.

The Diurnal, as yet, hath not talkt much of his Victories; but there is the more behinde: For the Knight must always beat the Giant: that's re­solv'd. If any thing fall out amiss, which cannot be smothered, the Diurnal hath a help at Maw: it is but putting to Sea, and taking a Danish Fleet, or brewing it with some success out of Ireland, and it goes down merrily.

There are more Puppets, that move by the wyre of a Diurnal; as Brereton and Gell; two of Mars his Petty-toes; such sniveling Cowards, that it is a favour to call them so. Was Brereton to fight with his teeth, as in all other things he re­sembles the beast, he would have oddes of any man at the weapon: O he's a terrible slaughter­man at a Thanksgiving-Dinner: had he been a Cannibal, to have eaten those that he vanquisht, his Gut would have made him valiant.

The greatest wonder is at Fairfax, how he comes to be a babe of Grace. Certainly it is not in his personal, but (as the State-Sophies distin­guish) in his Politick capacity; regenerated ab extra, by the zeal of the House he sate in; as Chic­kens are hatcht at Grand Cairo, by the adoption of an Oven.

There is the Woodmonger too, a feeble crutch to a declining Cause; a new Branch of the old Oak of Reformation.

[Page 69]And now I speak of Reformation, vous avez Fox the Tinker, the liveliest Embleme of it that may be: For, what did this Parliament ever go about to reform, but Tinker-wise, in mending one hole, they made three.

But I have not Ink enough to cure all the Tet­ters and Ringworms of the State.

I will close up all, thus: The Victories of the Rebels are like the Magical Combat of Apu­leius; who, thinking he had slain all three of his Enemies, found them at last but a Triumvirate of Bladders. Such, and so empty, are the Tri­umphs of a Diurnal; but so many imposthuma­ted Fancies, so many Bladders of their own blow­ing.

A Committee-man by his name should be one that is possessed, ther's number enough in the compellation to make an Epithite for Legion; he is persona in concreto (to borrow the Solecisme of a modern States­man) you may translate it by the red bull phrase and speak as properly, enter seven devills solus, It is a well trust title that contains both the num­ber and the beast. For a Committee-man is a noun of Multitude, he must be spelled with fi­gures, like Antichrist wrapped in a paire Royal of Sixes, thus the name is as monstrous as the man, a compleat notion of the same linnage with accumulative treason: for his office, it is the resur­rection of the Ileptarchy or England fritters, it is [Page 72] the broken meat of a Crumbling Prince, onely the Royalty is greater, for it is here, as in the miracle of Loaves the voyder exceeds the Bill of fare, the Pope and he rings the Changes; here is a plural­ity of Crowns to one head, joyne them together and ther's harmony in discord, the tripple crow­ned Turn-Key of Heaven, with the tripple headed porter of hell. A Committee-man is the reliques of Regal Government, but like holy reliques he out-bulks the substance whereof he is a remnant, ther's a score of Kings in a Committee as in the reliques of the Crosse, ther's the number of twen­ty. This is the Gyant with the hundred hands that weilds the Scepter, the tyrannical Beade-Roule by which the Kingdome prays backward, and with a kind of Rebus, at every Curse drops a Com­mittee-man. Let CHARLES be wayved whose conducing clemency aggravates the desection, and make Nero the question, better a Nero then a Committee, Ther's lesse execution by a single bul­let then by case-shot.

Now a Committee-man is a party coloured Officer, he must be drawn like Ianus with Cross and Pile in his countenance, as he relates to the Souldiers, or face about to his fleecing the Coun­try, look upon him Martially and he is a Justice of War; one that hath bound his Dalton up in Buff, and will needs be of the quorum to the best [Page 73] Commanders, he is one of Mars his Lay-Elders, he shares in the Government, though a Non-con­formist to his bleeding Rubick, he is the like Se­ctary in Arms as the Platonick is in love, keep a flattering in discourse but proves haggard in the action; he is not of the Souldiers and yet of his flock, it is an Emblem of the golden age (and such indeed he makes it) to him, when so tame a Pigeon may commerce with Vulters. Me thinks a Committee hanging about a Governour, and Bandiliers dangling about a furd Alderman, have an Anagrame resemblance, ther's no Syntax be­tween a Cap of maintenance and a helmet, who ever knew an Enemy routed by a Grand-Jury, and a billa vera: It is a left-handed Gar­rison where their authority perches▪ but the more preposterous the more in fashion; the right-hand fights while the left rules the Reines, the Truth is the Souldier, and the Gentlemen are like Don-Quicchott and Sancho Pancha, one fights at all adventures to purchase the other the Government of the Island. A Committee-man properly should be the Governour's Matrosse to fit his truckle, and to new-string him with sinnews of War for his chief use, to raise assessements in the neighbouring Wapentake.

The Country-people being like an Irish Cow, that will not give down her milke unless she see [Page 74] her Calf before her: Hence it is he is the Garrisons dry Nurse▪ he chews their contribution before he feeds them, so the poor Souldiers live like Tro­chilus by picking the teeth of this sated Croco­dile.

So much for his warlike or ammunition face, which is so preternatural, that it is rather a vizard then a face▪ Mars in him hath but a blinking aspect, his face of Arms is like his Coate partie per pale, Souldier and Gentleman much of a scantling.

Now enter his Taxing and deglubing face, a squeezing look like that of Vespasianus, as if he were breeding over a close-stoole. Take him thus and he is the Inquisition of the purse; an Au­thentick Gypsie, that nips your bung with a can­ting Ordinance, not a murthered fortune in all the Country but bleeds at the touch of this Male­factor. He is the spleen of the body politick that swels it self to the Consumption of the whole, at at first indeed he ferretted for the Parliament, but since be hath got off his Cope, he set up for himself, he lives upon the sins of the people, and that's a good standing-dish too, he verifies the Axiom Eisdem nutriter ex quibus componiter, his dyet it suitable to his constitution. I have wondered often why the plundered Country-men should repair to him for succor, certainly it is un­der [Page 75] the same notion as one whose pockets are pickt goes to Mol-Cutpurse as the predominant in that faculty.

He out-dives a Dutch-man, gets a noble of him that was never worth six pence, for the poor­est escape not, but Dutch-like he will be dreyn­ing even in the driest ground, he Aliens a De­linquents Estate with as little remorse as his other holiness gives away an Hereticks Kingdome, and for the truth of the Delinquency, both Chapmen have as little share of Infallability. Lye is the Grand Sallad of Arbitrary Government, Exe­cutor to the Star-Chamber, and High-Commis­sion; for those Courts are not extinct, they survive in him like Dollary changed into single moneys. To speak the truth he's the universal tribunal: For since these times all causes fall to his Cognizance, as in a great infection all diseases oft turn to the Plague. It concerns our Masters the Parliament to look about them, if he proceeds at this rate, the Jack may come to swallow the Pike; as the Interest often eats out the Principal. As his commands are great so he looks for a reverence accordingly. He is very punctual in exacting your hat, and to say right, it is his due; but by the same title, as the upper garment is the vails of the execu­tioners. There was a time when such cattle would have hardly been taken upon suspicion for men [Page 76] in office, unless the old Poverb were renewed, that beggers make a free Company, and those their Wardens. You may see what it is to hang together, look upon them severally, and you can­not but fumble for some thrids of charity; But oh they are Tarmagants in conjunction! like Fid­lers who are rogues when they go single; and joy­ned in consort, gentlemen Musitioners. I care not much if I untwist my Committee-man, and so give him the receipt of this grand Catholican. Take a State Martyr, one that for his good be­haviour hath paid the excise of his ears, so suffered Captivity by the Land-Piracy of Ship-money, next a Primitive freeholder, One that hates the King, because he is a Gentleman transgressing the Magna Charta of delving Adam. Adde to these a mortified Bankerupt that helps out his false Weights with some scruples of Conscience, and with his peremptory scales can doome his Prince with a Mene tecall. These with a new blew-stocking'd Justice lately made of a good basket-hilted Yeoman, with a short-handed Clerk tack't to the Reare of him to carry the Knapsack of his understanding, together with two or three Equivocal Sirs, whose Religion like their Gentility is the Extract of their Acres, being therefore spiritual, because they are earthly; not forgetting the man of the Law, whose corruption [Page 77] gives the Hogan to the sincere Juncto. These are the simples of this pretious Compound, a kinde of Dutch hotch-potch, the Hogan Mogan Com­mittee-man.

A Committee-man hath a Side-man, or rather a setter height, a Sequestrator; of whom you may say, as of the great Sultans horse, Where he treads the grass growes no more. He is the States Cormorant, one that fishes for the Publique, but feeds himself, the misery is, he fishes without the Cormorants property, a rope to strengthen the gullet, and to make him disgorge. A Sequestra­tor! He is the Devils Nuthooke, the signe with him is alwaies in the clutches. Ther's more Mon­sters retaine to him, then to all the limbs in Anato­mie. 'Tis strange Physitians do not apply him to the soles of the feet in a desparate Feaver, he draws far beyond Pigeons: I hope some Mountebank will slice him, and make the Expe­riment. He is a Tooth-drawer once removed, here's all the difference, one applauds the Grinder, and the other the Grist. Never till now could I verifie the Poets description, that the ravenous Harpie had a humane visage. Death it selfe cannot quit scores with him. Like the Demoniack in the Gospel he lives among Tombes, nor is all the holy­water shed by Widdows and Orphans a suffici­ent Exorcism to dispossess him. Thus the Cat sucks [Page 78] your breath, and the Fiend your blood; Nor can the Brotherhood of Witchfinders so sagely insti­tuted with all their terrour, wean the Familiars.

But once more to single out my imbost Com­mittee-man, his Fate (for I know you would fain see an end of him) is either a whipping Audit, when he is wrung in the withers by a Committee of Examinations; and so the spunge weeps out the moisture which he soaked before; Or else he meets his passing peale in the clamorous mutiny of a gut-foundred Garrison; For the Hedge-sparrow will be feeding the Cuckow, till he mistakes his Commons and bite off her head. Whatever 'tis, it is within his desert: for what is observed of some Creatures, that at the same time they trade in productions three stories high, suck­ling the first, big with the second, and cliketing for the third; A Committee-man is the Counter­point, his mischief's superfetation, a certain scale of destruction; For he ruines the Father, beg­gars the Son, and strangles the hopes of all po­sterity.