A Busie, Impertinent, Intermedler in Government: Or,

AN Empty Polititian fit for nothing, but to make a Common-Council Man at Goatham, to Drown the Eel, or Hedge in the Cuckooe. A Sucking Coffee-house Statesman, a Little Great Man of no Business, that wanting Imployment of his own, troubles all the World with his Idleness. He is haunted with a Spirit of Government, and wants nothing but a Call into an Office, to shew his Rare Qualifica­tions in turning the World Upside Down­ward. Ingratitude, and Dulness, will for ever be his Character: Which with a Mixture of Confidence sets him up for a Patriot, which in our Modern Phrase, sig­nifies nothing else but a Stickling Disgust­ed Fop, that thinks he deserves some good place or other, which Heaven and the King knows he is not fit for. He pities [Page 3]the World that has no greater Insight in­to his Parts, and like the Chynoises, thinks all the World is Blind but himself. He is ingaged in a Confederacy with Hypocon­driack Clubbers, to admire one another, who think they have as much Wit as they want, and more than e'er they will have. He is Eternally Vain, because he is ne­ver Thoughtful, and that Vanity makes him fancy himself of an Unfathomable Capacity, as Wine makes the Beggar think himself a Man of Quality. He is a Lump of combustible Ignorance, whom the least Spark of News kindles in a Blaze of Un­likely, and preposterous Conjectures; and then the rest of the Rooks and Daws take Wing, and fill the Town with Incredible Fears, and Invisible Dangers. His Talk is like Benjamin's Mess; five times more than comes to his share. All are Fools that are not of his Opinion, but he esteems him a Man of extraordinary Wisdom that ap­plaudes his Conjectures, and puts him up­on Laughing at his own Shadow for want of a more Ridiculous Substance. His Re­ligion is but the Visor of his Policy, and whatever Vertue he has, Craft is the Keeper of it. All his Discourses are Ob­scure and Enigmatical, like the Devils in the Delphick Oracle; you may under­stand his Words, but never reach his Meaning. The Corruption of Reason was the Generation of his Wits, and the Spi­rit [Page 4]of Lying and Slandering, is the height of his Improvement. He is a perfect E­nemy to Monarchy, for want of an Office, and hates every Courtier, because he is not one of the Number. In short, he is a kind of Sucking Traytor, and the older he grows in his Discontents, the more is the Government endangered, by his Mis­representations of Publick Actions. He creeps by degrees from want of an Em­ployment, to advance a Lawless Liberty; from Petitioning to Remonstrating; from questioning the Power, Wisdom, and Capa­city of his Superiors, to seizing the Admini­stration, into the Hands of the Populace. His Maxims in Government are contra­dictory to Common Sense, and ruinous to the Monarchy. He Asserts the way to make a King Great and Glorious, is to give him no Money; that the means to support Forreign Allyance, is to Impoverish the Exchequer, and the best way to keep the Government upon the Wheels, is to wea­ken the Axle-tree; so that the Whigs, and their New Associates, the Jacobites, ha­ving been long troubled with the Spirit of Contradiction, the Devil of Nonsence is got among 'em also. Humor them and you Disappoint 'em. Every New-fangled No­tion, thrusts out a former Exception, and give 'em full possession of what they Ask, and they soon grow weary of the Toy they Whimper'd for. They Declaim a­gainst [Page 5]Arbitrary Power, and yet Usurp it; against the Prerogative, and erect an Ima­ginary Power above it; against Grievances, and yet Promote them; against Misma­nagements, and yet produce no Instances of their Being. They carry Liberty, and Religion, upon the Tip of their Tongues; but dare swallow neither, for fear they should choak them. They complain a­gainst Ill Ministers to colour a Faction a­gainst the State, and to Enslave Free Sub­jects under the Arbitrary Impositions of a prevailing Party; but I fear I have kept them Company too long, and therefore will pay a Visit to

The Hypocritical Preaching Whigs under every Denomination.

WHom I will describe in their Edu­cations, Postures, and other top­ping Qualities, that recommended them to a Deluded People, and raise their F [...]r­tunes in the World. Some of them, whose Abilities could not among Understanding Men, advance them above a Groom, a Porter, or a Thresher, have gain'd a more comfortable Maintainance (their Port con­sidered) than an Ordinary Bishoprick, and all a better Allowance than the generality [Page 6]of the Orthodox Learned Clergy. They are at little or no Expence in their Education. Pretended Gifts supply the Defect of Learning and Knowledge. The latter are the leisurely Effects of Labour, Sweat and Reading; the former are only strong Im­pulses, and Fortunate Incomes which gives a short Turn upon their Trade of Preach­ing. A heavy Phlegmatick Blockhead, that could never get Learning enough at School, to enable him to undergo an Exa­men for Admission into the University, let him have but a strong Aversion to the La­bour of a Mechanick, or the Industry of a Tradesman. That is, let him be Damna­bly Lazy, and enrich'd with a convenient proportion of Duncery, 'tis a good Call to the great Affair of Holding forth among the Brethren; then let him Board a while at Mr. Alsop's, Mr. Doelittle's, Mr. Meade's, Mr. Cyffin's, Mr. Pen's, and now and then take the Air at the Phanatick Academies of Newington, Croydon, Hammersmith, or Nettlebed: Wear a Black Jump, and his Hair, and Ears, of the Smectymnian Stand­ard, to shew him a Divinity Intender; it matters not whether he Read any Au­thors, Sacred or Profane, provided he takes Notes, or stand Gaping upon a Form, or Stool, to receive a Measure of the Light, that an old Squeaking Tubster is scattering among the Juvenile Fraternity. Let him but Repeat in the Afternoon, till the Pit, [Page 7]Boxes, and Galleries are full, and till he has attained a just Confidence in Speaking in Publick, and a Profound, Engaging, and Learned Method in Managing his Postures, Sighs, Groans, and Grimaces. Then up starts the Ah Lard Stripling into the Pul­pit, or other Mouthing Place; and tho' he be as Fat as a Porpus, his first Text is, O my Leanness, my Leanness: Or, I am not ashamed of the Gospel; tho' by his Uncouth and Ignorant Managery, the Gospel is asha­med of him. Age, Example, and Practice, improves him in all the Arts of Mimical Gestures, Affected Tones, Shuffling his Cloak; Fingring his Band, Coughing with an Emphasis, Spitting with a Grace, Folding, and Unfolding his Handkerchief according to the Original, and Wiping his Mouth a la mode de Lake Lemain; and now he has gain'd the Reputation of a Soul-saving, Heaven-gaining, Sin destroy­ing, Hell-confounding, Pious, Precious, Zealous, Painful, Preaching Brother. From these Improvements he at length arrives at the height, and perfection of Mimick­ry, and gives Laws to all his Inferiors, for a Pedantick Behaviour, in carrying on the Work of the Day, to the Satisfaction of the Beloved Secret Ones.

The Demureness of his Looks in the Desk, Sanctifies his Incoherent and Hetero­dox Expositions on the Chapters. When he ascends the Pulpit, and puts on his [Page 8] Praying Face, he Drawls out his Words, as if they wanted Fellows, and must be Hem'd up from [...]is Lower Venter, before he could be furnish'd with a Prologue. Th [...] in a Lowe and scarce Audible Tone, as if the Griping in his Guts had caus'd a Grumbling in his Gizzard, he s [...]ys,

In naming his Text, he turns over as many Leaves in his Bible, as if Chance, or Inspiration must direct him to't; and that he knew not whether the Text wa [...] in the Old or New Testament, that he must H [...]ld forth upon. The Text being found, he Leans and Reaches over the Pulpit, as if he would take off the Wigs and Head-Dresses of his Under Auditors, for the easier En­trance of his Doctrine into their Perri­oraniums. His one and twenty Points are Tagg'd with Wry Faces, for want of Read­ing; his Reasons, with Railing, for want of Argument; and the labour of all his Preachments is chiefly in the Lungs, and all he made of them himself, was the Fa­ces. His Actions are all Passions, and his Words Interjections. He cajoles his Con­gregation in Bemoaning and Sainting 'em, and shews his own Parts, in Blowing his Nose with abundance of Discretion. At Application-time, he stands bolt up-right; [Page 9]with his Arms on Kembow, like the Ears of an Iron Pot, which makes him look very Magisterially, and fastens the Uses of Reproof in the Sculls of his Auditors, like Hob-Nails driven into the Posts of a Gal­lows; then he shifts the Scene into a loud thick clapping of his Hands, which serve to the driving home, and clenching the Farthing Tack of an Argument. After this he stretches himself forward on the Pulpit-Cusheon, made of a Sisters decayed Velvet-Petticoat, which he sometimes Hugs in his Arms, as if he was in a Rapture; then in a Zealous Fury, Thumps the Dust out o'th' Cusheon, into his Eyes, which makes him Weep and Wink affectionately, for the Backslidings of the Zealous Party; then falls to contracting and expanding his Arms, as if he had been Swimming, and all to shew himself a Painful Preacher. By and by he Weaves from one side o'th' Pulpit to the other, in a Use of Consolati­on, and contracts the Muscles of his Face, into an Obliging Grin; which raises the Drooping Spirits of his Auditors, into Extasies of Joy, and Stomachs to their Dinners. Lastly the Hats of the Congre­gation being all of a sudden turn'd a-wry, like Ballad-singers in a Country Fair; but with the open side to the Tubster, lest what goes in at one Ear, should go out at t'other, gives you notice the Holder forth is falling into his concluding Prayer; [Page 10]where he Winks, Kneads the Cusheon, and is in as many Notes, as a pair of Bag­pipes. Sometimes in a deep hollow Grum­ble, lik [...] [...]he noise of a Stone ratling down a Well; [...]n a loud Stentorophonical Bawl, which is presently rais'd into a high Scream, upon the Key in which a Nice Lady Squeaks at the sight of a Frog; and by and by a Maudlin sort of a Whine, in which he continues so long, till the Tears drop from his Nose, and he Sweats like a Greasy Hostess in Dog-Days, and would have Brayed longer, if the Clock, and Chimes of his Guts crying Cuboard, had not stopt him.

This Exercise of his Lungs, and his Auditors Patience being over, happy is the Man, and more happy his Wife, that can have the Favour of this Heavenly Man's Company at Dinner. In the way home, the Disciple thanks the Good Man for his Pains, commends his Voice, and his Memory, but not a Word of the Ser­mon: For he slept all the time as soundly, as if he had heard a Carnal Dean or Bishop. The Wife sends the Apprentice before, to warm the Towels to Rub him down, and that a Tankard of Sack may be ready to Drench him, for fear his Grease should be Melted. These accustomed Necessariums being ended, the Cropsick Holder-forth approaches the Table, with fear there should not be Food enough; and Reve­rence [Page 11]to the Mistress of the House, and her Chinse Gown and Petticoat, then bles­ses the Quaking-pudding, because Esau sold his Birthright for a Mess of Porridge; the Leg of Mutton, because he might pull the Pope's-Eye out; the Shoulder, because David was a Shepherd. The Capon, because Peter was converted by a Cock; and the Custard, because it was a Scape-Goat from the Lord-Mayor's Table. Now he lays out himself sweetly, upon the Creature Comforts, and shews his Abilities in Eat­ing, oppos'd the Miracle in feeding five Thousand; for if he had been a Guest at that Meal, there would not have been so many Fragments left, as would have Dined a Sparrow.

From stuffing his Paunch at the Citi­zens, he returns to air his Lungs, and give himself Breath in an Afternoon's Exercise, where he speaks more with Ease, than a wise Man can hear with Patience. In the Morning he was a Son of Thunder, but for fear of displeasing their Haughtinesses, and losing his own Contribution, he must now be a Son of Consolation; and therefore knowing their Inclinations to Democracy, preaches up Popular Doctrines, such as Baxter and Jenkins begun the Civil-War with: The Liberty and Power of the People, and the Privilege of Rebelling, if ever the Prerogative of the Crown should check [Page 12]the Licentiousness of the Conventicle: For then the Hydra may, in their Opinion, set up against Hercules, and, if possible, fetrer Monarchy it self. By these Preach­ments the Old Bell-wethers of every Dis­loyal Flock, from the infamous Title of Traitors were dignified with that of Saints, and wallow'd in Wealth and Wicked­ness. Having thus plaid the Parasite to a Popular Ambition, he Acts the same part as a Preacher, and has a Salve for every Sore, and an Excuse for every Sin, till none at all is to be found among his own Peaple; and if any of them should complain, he has Crums of Comfort for the Hungry; Sips of Sweetness for the Thirsty; Crutches for the Weary; Porter's-Blocks for the Heavy Laden; Apples of Gold for the Poor; Iron Chests for the Rich; High Heel'd Shooes for Dwarfs in Duty, and a thousand other Knick Knacks to seduce the Easy and Ignorant Multitude; and therefore they seldom or never apply to their Hearers Reasons, but to their Hu­mors and Fancies; and instead of taking pains to enable themselves to Speak Sense, for the improvement of the Understand­ings of their Congregations, (which good end, if attain'd, would put their Craft in danger to be set at nought) they take the readier way of Addressing to their Passions and Tempers, and thereby rendring themselves Masters of their [Page 13] Weaknesses, and lesser Inclinatious, they se­cure an Implicit approbation of their Words and Actions; and when this is once at­chieved, the poor Disciple is miserably Ridden into all Incoveniences. Nothing must be too good for the Men of Cap, Cloak and Handchercheif o're the Band. If he's Cropsick, out comes the Rich Jellys, Dry'd Sweet-meats, Cordial-Waters, and the Lady Moore's Drops, to supply the place of the Bitter Draught, Cow Piss, or a Pepper Posset; besides, something must be laid down in hand for Entrance, a constant Rent for a Pew, Provision for often Visits of the demure zealous Can­ters, who must never be dismiss'd empty Bellied, nor empty Handed, for fear he should shake the Dust off his Feet, and leave a Curse behind him. From hence the Senior Soph adjourns to some other Rich Members of the Faction, where his first Salutation is, Peace to this House, but is sure to raise a War in the Family be­fore his departure, that may gain him the opportunity of another Visit, a Pri­vy Purse; and a large stuffing his Paunch to Reconcile them. To these may be ad­ded, Repeated Contributions to Itenerate Apostles, that want Booths to hold forth in; and what is more than all this, the continual Drainings on the Wives part: So that a Wealthy Disciple, that is duly qualified with a zealous silly Wife, is a [Page 14]good Farm to a Cunning, Canting Tub­ster.

His Conversation in mixt Company is, Railing against the Episcopal Clergy, as Papists in Masquerade. Against Human Learning in Sermons; and highly com­mends (what is truly) the Foolishness of Preaching. A significant Ceremony frights him into a Frenzy; a Discourse of Or­der and Decency is a Mark of the Beast, and turns him Topsy Turvy; and rather than not be Singular, if other Men go to Heaven upon their Feet, he'l (for Contra­diction sake) take the other way upon his Head. He loves none of the Prelates but Bishop Fox, whom he Applauds for wri­ting his Book of Martyrs; but more for his Discretion in keeping himself from being one of the Number of those that suffer'd the Pains and Perils of Fire and Faggot. Simulation, is his Sanctity; Gain, is his Godliness; and all his Actions are govern'd by a kind of Political Wisdom, abstracted from the Rules of Conscience and Religion. In short, he seems one of the holiest Men Heavenward that you can meet with, but the Illest Man among his Neighbours in the whole Parish. A Re­verence is due to the very appearance of Piety; but whenever we find this Holy Man to Godward, to be no better than Ferg—n, a Jugling Knave, among Man­kind, that's the very Hypocrite we find [Page 15]Stigmatiz'd among the Scribes and Pha­risees in the Gospel; and as such we'll leave him to take a view of

The Factious, Seditious, Illiterate Whig Lawyer.

WHo came to Town recommended from the Scatter'd Churches of the Whigs in Hibernia, Equipt in a kind of Kent-street Mourning. A Frize-Coat, as tatter'd as a He-Goat. A Hat well Blockt, but scarce half a Crown to it. His Dou­blet and Breeches so alike, that a Dark Morning was enough to make him mi­stake the one for the other. His Stock­ens without Feet, like a Chandlers draw­ing Sleeves, and he durst not trust them off his Legs, for fear of Crawling from him; and in short from Head to Heel, was a thing made up of so many several Pa­rishes, that you'd have taken him at first sight for a Frontispiece of the Resurrection, and enquir'd of him, how the Whigs were disposed of in the other World; but a Collection, and his Uncle's Charity ha­ving Rig'd him into Christian Shape, and a small charge in pounding Tobacco-Pipes, and mixing them with the Juice of Le­mons, and Fullers-Earth, to take out the [Page 16]Stains of his Wild-Irish Education, he soon brisk'd up into a Confident Thing, as like a Man as a Boyish Bog-Trotter could arrive to. His early Pretences to Zeal, Igno­rance, and Nonconformity, shew he suckt in the Principles of Sedition with his Mo­thers Milk, and that in him were all the Seeds of Mischief, only they wanted form­ing; and therefore it was soon resolv'd upon the Question, that having all the Requisite Qualifications of Lelap [...]: Snarl­ing at the Poor, Fawning on the Rich, and Glavering with all he could but get a Mouldy-Crust by, he ought to be hewed out into Log called a Lawyer; which being primed with Impudence, and gilded with Hypocrisy, might in time be a Pillar to support the Whigs sinking Cause, and raise it to the height of Forty One, to Forty Eight. To accomplish this End ha­ving already the Gifts of a Whig, and the Graces of the Leviathan, he never gave himself the trouble of Studying the Libe­ral Arts, to qualifie himself for a Man of Sence; but for want of Learning entitles himself a Man of Business. He never drudged Seven cold Winters, and as many sweaty Summers, in reading the Statutes, collecting Reports, digesting Cooke's Insti­tutes, and forming Common-Place Books; but entred at the Back-Door of an Attor­nies Clerk, to set up for a Counsellor. He put his Name, 'tis true, in the Burtery-Books [Page 17]of the Temple, but with a Resoluti­on never to trouble the Society, with Mooting Cases, Dancing in Masquerade, Re­velling at Christmas; or so much as Eat­ing a Commons in the Hall; but as a shorter cut to cheat the World, Pinnion'd himself like a Gizzard under the Wing of an Experienc'd Petty-fogger of the Party, where he learn'd more of the Liti­gious part of the Law in a Year, than he could have done without the help of such a Tutor, by studying in the Inns of Court, or Chancery all his Life time. By this Arsward Method he was able to walk without a Goe-Cart, or the help of Lead­ing-strings; and was more expert in Hold­ing a Candle to the Devil, than those that have studied the Point with more re­markable Austerities: And no wonder, for all these kind of Whigs manage them­selves by Trick and Confederacy, and have a nearer way to Ruine the World, than all the rest of Mankind. The Vogue of being a Conventicler, gives a greater Re­putation to any Lawless Professer, among the Party, than Seven Years Study in a University: For being Litigious in their Natures, as well as Practises, no thing is ever thought to be well said, or done, 'till it is stampt with the Opinion of an Al­mighty-Headed Dul-man. As ill used the Study of the Law is no Liberal Science; but a meer Mechanical Mystery, [Page 18]introduced into the World, as one of the great Grievances of Mankind; attain'd without Speculation of the Understand­ing, or the Assistance of an illuminated Genius, but is a meer Heap and Chaos of undigested Forms and Fallacies, practiced to squeeze Money out of Litigious Fools, to fatten a Crew of Miserly Muck-worms, of which our new Law-Intruer is a Pre­sident.

Sighing at a Conventicle, having Cough'd him into a Vessel of Grace, and taking Notes at Dicks, or the Graecian Coffee-House, having Ear-mark'd him for an Antimonarchist, which are the only Te­stimonials to Recommend a Confident Opi­niatre to the Practice of the Law, and make him Pass Mnstre, among the Holy Brethren. This Nitt of the Law, soon swells himself into an Elephant in his own Conceit, and tho' he knows not the dif­ference between the Nodder and the Nod­dee, Nor a Deed in Tayle, from a Decla­ration of Ejectment, yet by Learning a little Phanatick Address, a Busy look, and a Starch'd Behaviour, he grows as De­mure and Dull as a Recorder, and wants nothing but a Barr-Gown, to Cheat the World cum Privilegio. A Friend being made to the Approbator, who greasing him in the Fist, gets his Hand to a Testi­monial of the Block-head's Sufficiency; and by promising his great Acquaintance [Page 19]among the Quarrelsom Whigs, would bring many good Grists to the Mill at West minster, he is call'd to the Barr, and passes among the Crow'd by an Authen­tick Transmigration, from an Illiterate Pet­tifogger, to be call'd a Councellor learn'd in the Law. The First News of his Dignity is publish'd among the Sister-hood, who Simper at his Preferment, in hopes to lick their Lips in a Bowl of Beveridge, to Handsel his cast Gown and Cap, and to wish him good luck at the next Goal De­livery: Whilst the Bastard Son of Parch­ment struts among the Women, like the Major Domo, of the Turkish Seraglio. Every Street, Lane and Alley in the City, receives his Visits with his Gown on, and his great Business there, is but to shew it. If he has a Companion in his Walk, he makes as much Noise with Clattering out Law, as an Inceptor in his Slap Golo­chia's. Instead of turning over Books in his Study, he exercisies his Gifts on his Bed-maker, and Commits Fornication with the Dust of his Chamber, to gain her good Word for an Able Practitioner. He Traverses the Walks of the Temple, more duly than a Penny-less Alsation, and on the same Errand too, to see who will shew their good breeding in Inviting him to Dinner, but is often disappointed. To force a Trade, he once bought a Sheep's- Head, Horns and all, of a Butcher, for [Page 20]for his Sunday's Dinner, and desired him to give him a Receipt for the dressing of it; which while the Butcher was Dictating, a Dog runs away with his Staring Quar­ter of Mutton; and the Mob crying out, Lawyer, Lawyer, the Dog has stolen your Sheep's-Head; and he seeing him so far Eloped, that he could not Attack the Cri­minal, and have his Body in Arcta Cust­odia, to appear next Term Coram. Dom. Reg. apud Westmonasteriensis, he said, let him go like a Foolish Cur as he is, 'twill do him no good, for I have the Receipt, and he knows not how to dress it; be­sides I have a good Action at Law against his Master, of Trover and Conversion, by which I shall gain Costs of Suit, and Treble Damages. Many Terms together he Trudg'd to VVestminster, without any Cause for his going thither, unless to see and be seen among the Monkeys and Lap-Dogs, and Walking-Trees, that come thi­ther to be sold, as he to be Hired for a Rat-catcher. But this not succeeding, a more hopeful Stratagem enters his Law­less Perricranium, and he immediately puts it in Execution. He frequents Con­venticles and Lecture Sermons Devoutly, makes an Interest among Attornies, Soli­citors, and that Herd of filthy Swine that the Devil entered into; and the Crawl­ing Vermine, worse than all the Plauges of Egypt, Splitters of Causes, and Affi­davit [Page 21]Devils, that make no more of Swearing upon the Holy Bible, than of laying their Lips upon Renald the Fox, or the Seven Wise Masters. For these Vipers never sting one anather, tho' they gnaw their way in to'th World, through their Dams Bellies. This Confederacy, and giving Attornies leave to make use of his Name, when they wanted a Counsels hand without a Fee, as they often do, and letting them go Snips in all the Fees they bring him, quickly brought him into Vogue, especially among their own Party, who always Measure Right and Wrong, by their Interests; like the Turks, they call every thing good or bad, by the Success that attends it, and every Man a Proficient in his Art, that Boggles not at doing any thing they would have him: In which our Lurcher has as considerable Qualifications, as any Lawyer in Kent or Christendom. That which prevents ma­ny honest Men from being Lawyers, viz. a Scrupulous Conscience, and an inflexible Honesty, never hinders him, for he car­ries no such things about him. His Soul is meer Sense, and as he has no knowledge of Vertue, so while he is in­gaged among the malcontented Whigs, he has no occasion to make use of it. He has a Brass Towel, and a Steel Coun­tenance, and never wants so much Pa­tience in his Green Bag, as to be discou­raged [Page 22]at any Undertaking, and never cares whether a Cause be Good or Bad, so there is but money to be got by it. He is a sworn Enemy to Arbitrators and Umpires, and the words Peace or Agree­ment, he looks upon as Apochryphal, and ought to be torn from our Bibles, and Strife and Contention inserted in their pla­ces. He has a kind of a Sea-faring Con­science, that Sleeps more quietly in Hur­ricanes, Storms and Tempests, than in a Popular Peace and Tranquility.

These Qualifications and Advantages Records him a Saint in the Whiggish Calender, tho', in truth, he is nothing but a Feind with a Glory about his head, to dazle the Eyes of a Bifarious Mobile, tho' it answers the Design, increases his Practice, multiplies his Clients, and fills his Empty Pockets. The First day of the Term finds him Trotting on Foot to West­minster, in a Dagled Gown, a Dangling Wig, Papers in his Hand, a Bag under his Arm; and a Cluster of Durty Country Clients, like Burrs Sticking to the Rump of our Paris Garden Pleader. In addressing to the Barre; he bids an Eternal farewell to his Modesty and Conscience, as Star­ving Notions, next door Neighbours to Beggery, and supplies those Vacancies, with Confounded Jargon, Billingsgate Rhetorick, and a large Stock of Impudence. His Prologue to the Farce, is, May it [Page 23]please your Lordships, and you Gentlemen of the Jury, for want of a better, I am of Conncel for the Plaintiff A, in an Action of Assault and Battery: Setting forth that the Defendant B, Simul cum C. D. E. F. G. with Swords, Staves and Knives, Wounded, Hurt and Maimed us, in a Principal Member of our Body, Anglice our little Finger, and put us in danger of our Lives, and hopes of a Hundred Pound Damages. This my Lord, we could have proved Temp. prae­cur, by Twenty Witnesses, Bon. et Legal. Hom. But Nineteen of 'em being Dead, or knowing nothing of the matter, we shall Trouble the Court but with one. Cryar, call Mr. Bartholemew Brass Girdle, Inholder, Anglice an Ale-house Keeper, where the Quarrel began with Ale, and Ale wou'd have ended it, if the dextrous Management of the Country Common-Barreter, had not brought it in a Cloke Bag behind him to London.

Another Artifice to bring more Game into the Net, is, by Clubbing with a Non Con Holder-Forth, and taking a House between them conjunctim et Sepe­ratim, with a Convenient Room next the Street to Pray in, which Toles in Dis­ciples to the Tubster, and Clients to the Lawyer. Simeon and Levi, now join Hand in Hand, to promote each others Interests. Law Stalks for the advantage of Non Conformity, the Directory Setts for the [Page 24]benefit of Cooke upon Littleton, and both like Monkies, crush their Fondlings into nothing, by Hugging and Embracing them in the Arms of Flattery. Popularity is always the Nurse of Self Designs, and our brace of Beagles, being Masters in that Art of Dolt catching, they pursue it with all manner of Craft and Industry. In Vacation time, when their Bellies and the Town are Empty, these narrow Soul'd Wretches make frequent Visits among the Whigs, to save charges at home; for they keep a House would starve a Cat, and the Rats and Mice have deserted it, and taken Sanctuary in the Church to mend their Quarters. Now they set up for Peace-makers, and reconcile all Differences and Disputes among those that have no Money, at the Price of a Supper for them­selves, at the Expence of both Parties. If a wealthy Whig be sick, the Holder-forth goes to visit him, and being paid for Groaning by his Bed side, perswades the Decumbent to send for our Whig-Lawyer, to make his Will, and set his House out of Order, which he'l be sure to do, to all Intents and Purposes; by making so ma­ny Ambiguous Clauses, and dubious Provi­so's in the Will, as, after the Testator's decease, shall make his Relations spend the Fee-Simple in Quarreling about the Title, and consume their Legacies in Suites with the Executors, where our Man of Law is [Page 25]sure to be of One, if not both sides, be­cause the Belphogor that rais'd the Devil is the fittest to Lay him. In making the Testament, he is obliged in Gratitude to put down Five Pounds for a Funeral Ser­mon, no matter whether the Sick-man de­sires it, or not, 'tis but skipping that Para­graph when he reads it over; and by these under-hand Arts they Claw and Cram one another, in the Language of an Old Phanatick Poet:

And that every Whig-Bird may have the plucking off of some Feathers from this languishing Fowl, towards making himself a Nest, the Medicaster Nomlas must now be sent for, with his Rosy crucian Pantar­va's, and then Consummatum est; you may write upon the Dying-man's Door, Lord have mercy upon him.

Thus the Whigs engrossing all the Arts of Money-catching among themselves, our Lawyer is soon grown Rich and Opulent, and so Stiff and Proud, that he'd take it for an Affront that the Most Christian King should call him Cousin.

By this time he has purchased himself a Country-Seat, which he ne're intends to pay for, and Tuckled himself to a Wife, an Attorny's Daughter, that he bred up [Page 26]himself by hand to make her fit for his Humor, which is as Cross and Peevish, as ill Nature can make him. Among his Coun­try-Neighbours he Reigns with more Cruel­ty than Nero at Rome, and the least Of­fence that is given him, or his Doxy Sara, Ruins whole Families. If a Horse com­mits a Trespass, but one half hour, upon his Premises, the Price of a Writ, and a London Journey on the Beast must com­mure for the Damages, with many Hats and Scrapes, and God bless his Worship into the bargain. If a Cow does but look o're his Hedg, a Quarter of her Fat Calf, and the charge of a Latitat ad Respondend A Predict, in Placit Transgress, must com­pound for the Offence, or Take him Jaylor. The Country Wives so dread his Tyranny, that they Sew Shooes, on their Poultries Feet, for fear the Grim Sir, should com­mence a Suit against their Husband, for their Geese going Barefoot, and wish that Term time might last all the Year, since they can have no quiet but in his Ab­sence, but are forc'd to Worship him as the Indians do the Devil, because he should not Devour them. But of all in the Vi­cinage, within the Reach of his Power, the Vicar of the Parish, is sure to feel the weight of this Parchment Squires Displea­sure, tho' the Poor Ecclesiastick present him with more Tyth Pigs and Geese, than he can afford to eat in his family, to [Page 27]purchase his own Peace and Quietness. However, his Innate Aversion to an Or­thodox Clergy-man, and a Man of Sence and of a Genercus Education, will not suffer him him to be Just, nor Civil to a Man of that Character; and therefore disparages the Vicar's Preaching, tho' he never came to hear him, and teaches his Parishioners how to defraud him of his dues by Tricks and Quarks in Law, to support an Interloping Seditious Canter; but he is stole up to the Term in a Stage Coach, and thither I must follow him, for being long since made a Knight, for being a Toole in the hands of a Duke, to revenge his quarr [...]l on an Innocent Neighbour­ing Gentlem [...]n, and now growing near hi [...] [...]nd; 'tis time for him, one would think, to lay aside halting between At­torney and Councel to vex the World, for if he consult his Honour or Fame, 'tis hoped he will amend, and make Restitu­tion to those he has injur'd causlesly; es­pecially since having Ruin'd many Fami­lies, and sent Innocent Children a Beg­ging; the Curse is fallen upon himself, and his own, and that which was got o're the Devils back by the Father, is in a fair way of being Piss'd against the Wall, or spent under a Whore's belly, by his two Ungratious Sons, that are become the greatest Rakes and Debauches in the World, and not fit to be named where Vertue has a [Page 28]being; but instead of repenting, the Old Ape grows worse and worse; spends his time in watching his Wife, his Mony, and the Cupboard; is Retain'd in every Cause, only, to Annay the Enemy, perplex the Cause, and confound the Court with Noise and Nonsence; and let him enjoy his Humor in adding Oppression to Co­vetousness, Violence to Injury, Impeni­tence to Wickedness, while he Lives; and then he needs not grudge to go to the Devil when he Dies; and so Fare­wel Old Istra Daukes, and Levol Dun­cery.

A Bold, Treacherous, Whig At­torney.

IS an Animal descended from the Plough Tail, swept out o'th' Shop, or kick'd from a Justice of the Peace's, or Lawyer's Clark into Gentleman, to scan­dalize the Profession of honest and fair Practising Attornies: Monstrum horren­dum informe ingens cui lumen adeptum. A Writing-School is the height of his Edu­cation: Latin is his utter Aversion, and therefore cuts it off in the middle, for fear it should accuse him of breaking Priscians Head, and crack his own [Page 29]Credit in the Country, where for want of being a Scholar, he has taken great pains to make them believe he is one. Frequenting Conventicles has made him bold and saucy. His demure Looks ini­tiated him into the acquaintance of Pre­cisions, and writing Bills, Bonds and Ac­quittancs from Presidents at the fag end of an Almanack, has made him impu­dent enough, tho' but a Pen-feather'd Prig, to call himself an Attorney, and to eat the Bread and Cheese out of Practi­tioner's mouths, that are Regularly Qua­lified for that Employment. He began to look toward the Law, by Soliciting for Criminals at the Quarter Sessions, where the favour of his Master Justice, who went suips in his Fees, gave him the Reputation of a Man of Knowledge. Thence like a Butter-fly Adulterated into a Maggot, he became an At­torney in Wapentake, Leete, and Hun­dred Courts, and at last by employ­ing an able Entring Clark, commences an Attorney at large, without being a­ble to Read a Writ, or distingdish a com­mon Process from an Execution: And the People always favouring every Limping Professor of their own Creation, he is sooner employ'd than a Clark fit for his Business. He has little more in him than Garbage, and the Shape of a Man, and when you have beheld his Leather- Ears [Page 30]and Shabby Outside, you have seen him through, and need employ your Dis­covery no farther. His Reason is meerly Whig Example, and his Actions are not guided by his Understanding; but he sees what other Men of the fame Cut do, and 'tis his whole Business to immitate them. The chief Burden of his Brain, is the Whiggish Carriage of his Body, and set­ting his Face in a Frame of Nonconformi­ry, advances his Renown among the Crop-Ear'd Brethren of Bands and Bugle-Cuffs, who will go to Law with their Fathers, rather than this Mushroom Bro­ther of the Quill shall be destitute of Em­ployment. Among Knowing Attornies, he looks a Tripe-Man's Asss, loaded with Offal and Excrements; but among the Vulgar Try, like a Sage Common-Coun­sellor. All his Discourses are Max­ims in Law, and Definitive Decrees, with a Thus it is, and thus it must be; but will never humble his Authority to give a Reason for it, unless he stumbles on a Text to his purpose, and then he proves it by Dint of Scripture. Al [...] his Words are Hebrew Characters; if he says he will do any thing for you, it is as much as if he had Sworn he would not, and you must always Spell him back­ward before you can Read him. He has neither the Theory, nor Practice of the Law; but his own Villanous Arts except­ed [Page 31]is wholly steered by the Compass of his Entring-Clerk: He is at best but two steps above a Fool; a great many below a Wise and Honest Man, but the Phanatick Knave has predominancy over all his o­ther Faculties; and so he is less dange­rous in the appearance of a Devil than a Saint. If he says he Loves you, be sure he hates you; for he has the Art of Laughing in your Face, whilst he is de­signing to cut your Throat with a Fea­ther. All that are so weak as to trust him, he is sure to betray them; will spoil a good Cause by his Treacherous Manage­ment, and Sell the best Clyent he has to his Adversary, when he has made the most of him. In London he frequents all the Seditious Coffee-houses to find out Quarrels, or make 'em, and at the Price of a Penny gains a Pound in setting Friends at Variance, and under pretence of knowing something of the matter him­self, or having managed the like Cause for another, first kindles the Coal into a Blaze, and then gets Money on both sides to quench it. A Conventicle is his Ex­change, where he hears the News of who is at Law, and there he employs his and the Devils Brokers, Solicitors and Splitters, to keep up the Market of Quarrels at Common-Law, till he can bring the Liti­gious Fools into Chancery, and be the Factor to sell both the Parcels by Com­mission [Page 32]at the Price of Who bids most by an Inch of Candle. The Mayors and She­riffs Courts, and the Marshalsea, are his lesser Mints, for Coining Causes of Acti­ons, where he Squeezes his Clyent for a while, and then by a Writ of Habe as, removes Corpus to the Jayl and Causa to be new Alloyed by a Melius Inquirendum at the Melting-house at Westminster. He knows nothing but the Guts and Querks of the Law, and in that is so great a Pro­ficient, that he seldom fails of Success, for where he cannot Snap the Adverse Attorney, he supplies all the Defects by Repeated Affidavits, and prolonging Suits by these Tricks and Shifts, at last makes them ready for Arbitration, where a Shoul­der of Mutton and a Capon, and some Nasty Red, buries a Cause in an Hour, that if the Clyents had not been quite ex­hausted, might have lived seven Years lon­ger, and run another Wild-Goose Chace through all the Courts in London, South­wark, and Westminster, by the Dextrous Management of our Upstart, Ignorant, Knavish Attorny. In the Country a Conventicle is his Chimical Elabaratory, where from Calves-Brains, and the Gall of Dissenters Spleens, steep'd in the Sour Milk of the Miss applyed word, he ex­tracts Aurum Potabile and Edibile, which fix'd in his Pockets, serves for all other purposes. Here he takes Notes from the [Page 33] Holder-forth against the Bishops, and Fees from the Auditors to cheat the Parsons of their great Tythes, and the Vicars of their Grunting Offerings, to Thatch the Boors heads with Bob Wigs, and Ring the Sister Married Sowes on their Thumbs, and the yet Unexercised Shoates on their Middle Fingers. Like Pick Pockets, he haunts all the Markets and Fairs in the Country to get a Prize; and if his other Gins and Lime Twigs, does not catch the VVood­cocks by day light, at night he makes 'em Drunk, and sets them a fighting to create Actions of Battery, and so gets double Fees, as Witness and Prosecutor, and when he has Wrack'd 'em sufficiently himself, turns 'em over to the Lawyer for Execution. Two Desks and a Quire of Paper set him up. Sighing and Dissembling in a Con­venticle got him Practice; and he laugh'd at their Credulity in his Closet. Strife and Wrangling made him Rich, and he is thankful to his Benefactors by Cherishing them. His business would never give him time to cast away a thought upon his Conscience; therefore as he has liv'd by Cheating Men, now approaching towards the Grave, he intends to Cheat the Devil also; for having Early given him his Soul to assist him in getting Money, he he has now disposed of it by Will another way, without relation had to the Prior Grant, and says, if the Devil should make [Page 34]his Claim at Doomesday and Recover, he had yet a Trick left to Reverse Judgment, but whether 'twill hold or not I much Que­stion, and know not how to send to have Mr. Sim's Opinion in it, who by this time is able to resolve the doubt infallibly. There is still more filth in this Dung Cart, which I dare not stir, for fear of Infect­ing the Air, and poysoning Mankind; and therefore all I shall adventure on at present, is, to tell my Reader in Sober sadness, that the Practices of such Law­yers and Attornies, as I have been descri­bing of, are so foul, and their Numbers so many, that in the Opinion of all sober Men, they are become Nusances, and Plagues of England.

The Jugling Whig Physician

IS a something made of every thing, and signifies nothing; for let a Wretch be never so Miserable, his Birth never so mean, his Fortune never so Low, his Per­son never so despicable, and his Parts never so Contemptible, and the Sensless Creature scarce worth any thing on this side Hang­ing; yet among some sort of Men or o­ther, he passes Muster for a good Physician, which lays and Indelible Blot upon the [Page 35]more Judicious, when they are com­mended by comparison; but this is not the insignificant centure of the Vulgar on­ly, for the Universities also have but mean opinions of this sort of Amphibious Animals. When their Students Merits will not entitle them to an Election among the Learned Tribes of Mathematicians, Astronomers, Divines, Civilians, nor Mu­sicians, their Tutors Reprobate them to the Study of Physick: To have business at Bed-sides, to Converse with Close-stool-Pans, and Urinals, and to live and Thrive by other Peoples Sickness; so it is abroad in the World, if a Farrier is too great a Dunce to live by his Blooding Stick, Dren­ching-Horn, and taking out the Soles of Founder'd Horses; let him but lay aside his Leathern Apron, put on a Plush Coat, talk of Acids and Alkaly's, tell the Men they are troubled with the Spleen, and the Women with the Vapours, tho' he employs no other Medicines for the Cure of them, than he did for his Horse Pati­ents, yet he's soon call'd an Incomparable Physician, whose success answers his Ce­lebrated Judgment; and if to this Exam­ple, we add the Number of decayed Gen­tlemen, Lame Surgeons, broken Apo­thecaries, Confident Mechanicks, Seventh Sons, Strawling Mountebanks, Licens'd Quacks, Sharking Empericks, Pox Pre­tenders, with all the goodly Gang of [Page 36] Midwives, and Skilful Women, one would be tempted to think 'twas unne­nessary to study that Faculty, and that the whole pretence is a Cheat, since all Man and Womankind were Fools enough to make Physicians. Their Names you see are Legion, and since it would be the Works of an age, to describe all the Pre­tenders; I shall only account for the Heads of the Herd, and bequeath the Hides of the rest to the Tanner; and first I will single out,

The University Toping Whig Phy­sician.

WHO having the Annuity of a Youn­ger Brother, and but the Learn­ing of an Elder, a Latudinarian in his Life, and at best a Septick in Religion; finding his Income would not answer his Expences, he resolves upon espousing some Employment; and being told by his Tutor, that the Practice of Physick was the easiest, and oftentimes the most Advantagious, for the use he intended it. Our Gentle­man immediately sets his Face towards the Physick Garden, and by taking a Turn there now and then, with an Herball in one Hand, and a Woman in the other, [Page 37]he soon Commences a Botanist. His next Step is to the Anatomy Lecture, where he has the Patience to hear all, and the good Nature to carry away nothing, but what he brought with him, Confi­dence and Ignorance, a Torn Gown to shew his Standing, and Mony in his Poc­ket to treat the Reader at the Tavern, to shew his Understanding. From the Ta­vern he returns to his College, and covers the Table in his Study, with Galen, Hypo­crates and Aristotle, for the sake of his Problems. Next in order, are laid open Veslingus Bartholinus and Riolanus, and Contemplating a while upon the Naked Gentlefolks, goes to sleep upon his Couch to improve his Contemplations, and thence to Barnwel to put his Notions in­to Practice; where an unhappy accident, produced a good Effect, made him ex­perience a Cure upon himself, before he practised upon others; and gave him a greater opportunity of Reading, than ever he allowed himself before, since he saw the University; being emancipated from the Chirurgeons hands, and at Li­berty, all his Discourses smell of the Gally Pot, and his Chamber converted into a Slaughter-House of Dogs and Cats, to im­prove himself in Anatomy, and give him the Name of a Student in Physick! Never did Man take a degree to lesser purpose, for he was Doctor without the Charge of [Page 38]the Sham Dignity, and it added nothing to the Credit of his Learning afterward.

From Cambridge he removes to a City or Market Town, and with a Degree up­on his Back, sets up for killing Men, Women, and Children, Secundem Artem, and makes his practise a Confirmation of the Hebrew Idiom, where the same Word signifies Physicians, and dead Men, and were no way beneficial to the pub­lick, but by Usurping the Office of the Plague, War, or Famine, in ridding the Nation of its Infectious Inhabitants. Phy­sicians time out of mind were all ac­counted Beasts by Degeneration, if St. Luke, and a few others, had not been exceptions from that general Rule, and to wipe out the reproach of Athism, our Mr. Doctor, being no further from an Atheist, than from himself, saw a Ne­cessity of Engaging in a Party, and ma­king a Shew of Religion to advance his Interest, but where to fix was the Que­stion. The Church of England party, he knew were for the Learned in all Professions, and there his Cake was Dowe; but knowing the Whigs were all stiles, and Props to another, and that the Skin of an Atheist was as fit for the Shoulders of a Phanatick, as if it were made for him, it soon determined his choice, and now fall down Atheist, Rise up Nonconfor­mist, till he is able to reassume his proper [Page 39]Character. That is, till he has made his Fortune, and is so much above the World, that he can scorn and Laugh at all below him. Hypoorisy is now his Theme, and, with the help of the Devil and his Agents he soon acquires perfection in it, and Mimicks a Precisian as exactly, as if Fer­guson had been his Father, a Jesuite his Grandsire, his Mother a Quaker, and all his Relations Independents. He patient­ly bears the Reproofs of the Female Sex, when they bring him Patients, and pro­mises Reformations. If a Sister tells him she hear's he's a Great drinker, he answers he is of a Hot Constitution, and very Thirsty, but for time to come, he'd drink Water with his Wine, to allay the Scandal. If another repimands him for being a continual Smoaker, he says (with some Emotion) he'l go home and burn all his Pipes and Tobacco. If his Cravat be a Size too Long, there's enough o'th own to make it Shorter, and so banters, befools, and humors them both at once, and sets them a Gossiping from House to House, to cry up the Skill of their New Convert, and Pump Guineas into his Pocket, till they have made him as Proud as Lucifer, as Salacious as a Pamper'd Cardinal, and as Insolent as a Baud in a Brandy Shop.

The Decayed Gentleman Whig Physician.

HAving Squander'd away his Patri­mony, and wearied out his Rela­tions and Acquaintance, by thrusting in his Elbows at the lower end of their Tables, and borrowing Money out of their Pockets, finding his Hawk, his Gun, and his Setting-Dog, the Inheri­tance of Spend thrifts, and younger Bro­thers, will no longer maintain him, he begins to Study the nearest way of ma­king others greater Fools than himself, and having long hung in the balance of several Opinions, without throwing his whole self into either Scale, at last re­solves to be a Whig in General, so that no party shall call him absolutely their own, and yet all live in hopes of his Conversion, from a Sharking Rake into a Dissembling Hypocritical Reformist. Having gain'd this Point, in being thought a Whig in General, and seeing himself that the World had Casheir'd him as a Needy, Trou­blesome Intruder, now clas'd again in a more hopeful Predicament, like a Man a Drowning, fastens upon any thing next at hand; and among other of his Ship­wrack'd [Page 41]Qualities, having happily lost Shame and common Modesty, he borrows a Shillings of his Brother's Footmen, buys him a Urinal, and with a few unin­tellible Receipts, found after her Death in his Grandmothers Closet, among other precious Receipts of Distilling, Chirurgery, and Cookery, he sets up for an Emperical Physician, and stumbling on a Cure by chance, or being by, when beneficial. Nature relieved her self, he was Slan­der as the Agent, and immediately gets the Reputation of an Excellent Physician; and all sorts of Whigs cry him up, in hopes at last he will espouse their Interest, and credit their Barn with the Company of a Doctor.

Now he thumbs Culpeper's English Phy­sitian, and his London Dispensatory, and having retrieved as much Latin as will compound a Bill for a Purge or Vomit, that names him as Learned, as if he had been a Member of the College, or had bought a Degree of Doctor at Leiden, or Mentpelier. He is a very vain Creature, but above all things hates to be thought so, tho from Head to Heel he is his own Cryer, and makes Proclamation of it. The Professors of all other Crafts, are commended, or decryed, by a veritable Character; but Physitians are safe under every Denomination; for the Good please some, the Bad others, and the [Page 42]Worst have their Admirers. The Do­ctrine of Fate and Predestination, is his great Assylum, for when with his Inarti­ficial Slaps and Emperical Nostrums, he has emptied his Patients Pockets, and exhausted his Vital Spirits, he leaves him Gasping, saying, His Time is come, God will have it so, cover him up, and send for the Parson to give him his Viati­cum.

The Mechanick, or Scoundrel Whig Physician

IS a mixture of Broken Tradesman, De­cayed Serving-Man, and Discarded Horstler; Party per pale Black Coat, and Blue Apron, who from curing Cut-Fin­gers, Kib'd Heels, or from administring Tobacco Clysters to cure Horses of the Bottes, falls to practising upon Men, to get the Women new Husbands, and upon Women to recruit their Husband's crasie Credit, with another Marriake Portion; and in this kind of Piking both Sexes o'er the Perch, succeeds so luckily, that he soon arrives at the Honour of being cal­led a Physician. He has no Learning, can scarce write his Name, but is well stockt with what serves his Purpose better, In­vincible [Page 43]Ignorance and Impudence, for which he is indebted neither to Men nor Books, for they were Born with him, and he has only fortified them by Use and Custom, and so there is as much difference be­tween what he appears, and what he is, as between a Hot Whore in a Vizard Mask, and a Natural and well-temper'd Beauty. However he has his Excellency, and that is in Holding forth sometimes in a Conventicle, and especially in conjuring with a Urinal, and shaking it into a won­derful Discovery of the Patient's Distem­per; when all experienced Men in Phy­sick know, that this Pretence is a com­mon Cheat, and no certainty at all to be gather'd from it, tho' you glare in the Piss-pot till you are blinded with the Steem of it; and yet so abominably fond are the deluded Mob of these Proceed­ings, that instead of communicating their Diseases to the Doctor by an Intelligible Messenger, or Writing, they Piss their Minds in their Water, and hazard their Lives on an Ambiguous Answer, which he Pumpt from, and returns back by her that brought it.

In this Cheating Bubling Trade, our Mechanick by his Pump, Screw, and Knavish Arts of Confederacy, has gain'd more Credit than is due to such an Illite­rate Ass, who by peeping in the Urinal, presumes to tell you whether a Holy Si­ster [Page 44]be gravidated, the Sex in the Womb, who got it, the Parties Name, the place where she lives, and even what Religion she is of, with other Secret Diseases be­longing to Women, not fit to be menti­on'd but in their Bed-chamber. If you send your Urinal to this Piss Prophet, you must resolve to be sick, for he'll ne'er leave handling it, till he has shaked it into a Disease. If he visit a Patient, he tells him his Distemper will be Nothing, and at the same time tells all his Relati­ons, he cannot escape without a Mira­cle; so that if the Patient recover, after the Urinal-Jugler has sentenced him to Death, 'tis imputed to his powerful Re­medies, and if he Dies, it cries up the ex­cellency of his Judgment in Fortune-tel­ling, and that knew well enough what would become of him. See this Impu­dent Hangman standing at a Sick Man's Bed side! How Magisterially he looks, saying, All is well, when his Patient is Languishing by the Medicines he has gi­ven him. If the Poor Man complains he is scorched with Heat, 'Tis all for the bet­ter, Nature is casting out the Heat to cool the Vitals: If he says he is benumb'd with Cold, and Aguish Shiverings, 'Tis a good Sign, he knew his Juleps would quench that extream Fire: Nay, when the Patient is almost dead, and has lost his Speech, he says his Feaver is at extre­mity, [Page 45]and leaving him; and then steals off, and leaves the Patient Dying, with abundance of good Signs and Tokens. The Sick Man's Friends stop him, to see the Fit over. No! He cannot stay, Death and he have a Quarrel, and must not meet for fear of Blows, when he was only a­fraid the Corps should Bleed, because the Murderer was present.

The Traveller, or Strawling Whig Physician.

HAving Idled away a Hundred and Thirty Days, and Nine Hours be­yond Sea, and brought Home a Fool at last; to quench the heat of his Phanatick Zeal and Lechery, he takes himself to a Wife without a Fortune, for a Cooler; and then as his last Shift, the poor Devil professes the Practice of Physick to maintain her. Here the Medick and the Mendi­cant are united in the same Person; and we may treat him like the Medicaster in Plautus.

Grip. Num Medicus quaeso es?

Lab. Imo adipol una litera plus sum quam Medicus.

Grip. Tum tu Mendicus est?

Lab. Titigisti Acu.

And so like the Physitian Eudemus, is only qualified for a Pimp to some Right Ho­nourable Personage, or to drudge out his Days in Misery. 'Tis a Wonder among all the Dissenters that he should want pra­ctice; being Whig Born, Whig Bred, Whig by Education, Whig by Practice; and as a Meritorious Act for the Propation of the Species is ingeminated into the Right strain of Factious Breeders, who seldom fail to promote the Interest of their Par­ty. He has also made an Interest among all the Noncon Tubsters, to promulgate his Abilities among all the Qualmish Sisters; which like Pocky Bills plastred upon Pis­sing Posts, cry Work for a Mender of Man­gy Skins, Ulcers, or Fistula's in Ano. He is also at Fee with Bowds, Midwives, and Mercenary Nurses. He runs about with News and Lyes against the Court. Hangs at the Fagg-End of Whiggish Lords. Speaks Cramp Words to the Ladies, stands Bare to the Chamber-Maids, Caresses the Foot­men, but is such an egregious carry-Tale, and Lyar; such a common Makebate, and Dissembling Hollow-hearted Fawing Hypo­crite, that he is fit for no Company but his Brother Notsallows, with whom I'll leave him, till he that owns them both, shall call for 'em.

The Blustering Pendantick Poetical Physician.

IS a greater Proficient in Rhiming than Reasoning, and understands quantity in Verse, better than in Pharmacy; for tho' one be his Trade, the other next to Courting and Drinking is his Business. He sets up for a Physitian, by affronting Galen and Hypocrates; for a Gentleman in abusing his Betters, and for a Wit by shew­ing his want of Manners. He Rakes into other mens Lives, and stains their Lear­ning and Reputation, makes them look like himself. By Sordid Flattery, and Vile Abuses, he strives to get himself a good Name, tho' all in Vain, for he has a Bad one already, that will last him his Life time. I know not whether to call him Papist, Church-man or Whig, being Specializ'd by no Name, but qualified for the worst of all, which I would not gra­tify him in, if any other appellation could render him more infamous. The Mis­chance of being a Scholar, has made him a degree and half above a Mad-man, and nothing but a severe Bedlam Course can bring him to his Senses. The Press is sometimes his Mint, for want of a Pal­try [Page 48] Patient, and Stamps him now and then a Six-pence or two, in reward of the base Coin his Poetical Pamphlet. He is an Ubiquitarian in his Walks, and may be found any where, sooner than in his Study. He has much time lying by him, and knows not how to spend it; and were it not for the Tavern, the Play-house, and the Bawdy-house, he would die for want of Employment. In Physick he acts like a Fencer, and kills Men in Teirce and Quart, and then like a Poet, covers their Groves, and his own Misdoings, with an Epitaph. He is very familiar and fro­licksom with his Apothecary's Wife, and because the Doctor is Agent, the Apothe­cary must be Patient, whom he makes amends, by writing long Bills, and keep­ing his sick Patients in long diseased Sheets, to do Pennance for the Doctor's Lechery. His Practice is wholly among the Female Sex, whom he Ogles and Bunters in the Pit, and wire-draws them into Sin, that he may share in their Gaines, by curing the Diseases that attend it. To recom­mend himself to the Ladies, he has al­ways a Distich ready, in commendation of their Lap-Dogs, and often wishes him­self in their Places. He pulls off his Gloves to shew his White hand, Laughs at all things, pleasant or serious, to shew his White Teeth, and throws back his Wig, to shew his Eares are on, and well ad­justed. [Page 49]Sometimes he Sings, to delight the fair Sex, and sometimes Sighs to de­clare his Passion, or that the Devil keeps a Dancing-School in his Pocket, whom the Women are oblig'd to eject, by the appearance of an Angel for a retaining Fee, against they have occasion to be Sick, or lye from their Husbands. In short, he is Duplices Professiones, both Merry Andrew and Mountebank, and all his Art is Delusion; and if he's displeas'd with that Character, he must thank himself; for as he began to Draw without occa­sion given, so he's like to put up with­out other Satisfaction.

The Astrological Whig Physician.

THAT has Twelve Houses of his own in Heaven, and never a one upon Earth, to Eat, Drink, or Sleep in, is a meer Insect of Idleness, a Stationary Gipsy, a Maggot bred in Lily's Nose, or Gadbury's Posteriors, and smells as Rank of Fool and Knave, as the Bub of a Par­tridge at Pairing-time. He can't be rankt among the Whigs in point of Religion, for he has none at all, and 'twould ruine his Practice of Figure-flinging to be thought to have any; and therefore must [Page 50]be placed among the Politick Whigs, that fright the foolish World with incredible Fears, and invisible Dangers; that talk of nothing but Earth-quakes, Blaz­ing-Stars, Dreadful Comets, and raise such Predictions from them, as will gratify the Itch of a Seditious Party, and kindle Combustions among a mal-contented People, who delight to hear of Revolu­tions and Disturbances, rather than en­joy a continued Peace and Prosperity. This Sot pretends to know every thing, but what concerns himself, and in that is the ignorantest Ass in the Kingdom. He knows (if you have so little sense to believe him) all the Transactions in the Starry Regiment, can Calculate the Fate of Kingdoms, and calls himself a Privy-Councellor in the Superior Regions; but knows not when propitious Jupiter will oblige him with a New Pair of Shooes, or Mercury bring him Money to mend his Old ones. He can direct other Men to find Hidden Treasure, while himself wants re­pairs both at Heels and Elbows. He knows all the Intrigues between Mars and Venus; but not the Chandler that Cuc­colded him for a Farthing worth of Oat­meal. He knows who broke his Neigh­bour's House, but not who laid his Tail at his own Door. He knows all your wants and wishes, and can Infaliblly resolve all your doubts, by a Horary [Page 51]Question. If your Wife or Miss, be Six Months gone with Child, he can tell you, that in three more, in all proba­bility, she will be Delivered; and if your House be ready to fall on your Head, that 'tis time to remove to another. He knows all the Grand Secrets, and Occult Qualities in Nature; as why a Fly should have Six Legs, and an Elephant or Dro­medary but Four! why a Cat when she is pleas'd Erects her Tail, and a Dog Wags his cross his Stern? Why Crabs go back­ward, and Lice move forwards? With other useful and wonderful Phenomena's. If the Question be in Physick, he knows all your Distempers as perfectly by his Astrological Scheme, as if he had travell'd through your Stomach and Guts to Su­pervise your Intrails. He can Cure All Diseases tho' a Hundred miles off, by Sigills, Charms and Telesmans; but is rea­dy to drop to Pieces with the Pox, and cannot Cure himself. In brief, among all the Fry of Fools and Knaves, Sharks and Cheats that pretend to be Physicians, the Astrologer is the most incurable Cox­comb, and errantest Imposter: From o­thers you have something for your Mo­ney, but from him nothing but Death and Damnation for Deserting your God, and [...]he Directions of his Holy Oracles, to Consult with the Devil by Proxy.

The Chimical Whig Physician.

IS an Extract of Enthusiastick Foppe­ries; the Essence of a Formal Hypo­crite; the Quintessence of a Broken Trades­man; the Elixir of Ignorance, distilled from the Acida Insipida of Paracelsus's Nose in the height of his Lunacy, when he boasted of making Man Immortal, and died himself at Two and Thirty: All these Petrified in the Lake Lemain, at length produced the Lapis Infernalis of a Chimi­cal Physician; which gilded over with the Deceit and Saintship of a starch'd Whig, has advanc'd many Impudent and Illiterate Mechanicks to the Dignity of Doc­tors, and they think it as much their Due, as if they had Learning to deserve it. The most remarkable of them all, is the Canting, Confident Whig nomlaS, who by obliging the Ignorant, with a Heap of Corrupt Translations and Family Pills, has work'd himself into an Estate, by send­ing his Brother Whigs on Dead Mens Er­rands. He has Rummaged all the Trea­suries of Nature, to find out the Gas sive Ens Sulphuris, which he gives in large quantities to his Brethren, that by accusto­ming their Bodies to the use of Brimstone [Page 53]here, they may better endure it in another World; for so Mithridates made himself Unpoysonable. By Eves dropping a Con­clave of Newington Phylosophers, he has attain'd the Art of making Eeles of Horse­hair steep'd in Water, and will oblige the Royal Fishery with the Process, for the good of the Subscribers. By Indefatiga­ble pains, and continual Study in Hidden Sciences, he has grop'd out the Myste­rious Art of Coschinomancy, Anglice the Seive and Scissars, and intends to publish it next Term, as a Supplement, to help sell his Practice of Physick; that the Im­pression may not be converted (like his other Works) into Wast Paper. How much are we obliged to this Semi bovem­que Virum, and Semi virumque Bovem, half Quack, half Tubster, or Kirleus and B—ges blended into an Individuum Vagum. He that shews the height of his Learning, in Canting, Snaphling, and commending himself and his Medicines in an unintelli­gible Dialect: Which must be attributed to the Heat of his Furnace, and the Fumes of Piss, Sutt, and Sulpher, which have Exsiccatted his Brains, and sence can't be expected from him, till they have been Refrigerated in the Ditch side Auqasduct. He has more Quixotisms in Chimistry, than Prince Butler in Politicks, or his Brother Dick Stafford in Divinity: Is as near gaining the Phylosophers Stone, [Page 54]as Van Helmont the Universal Medeicine, and nothing but Fleet-Ditch stands be­twixt him, and Mountains of Diamonds. All his Medicines are Hermetical Prepara­tions, and to name them looks like Con­juring. He has an Essence of the Sun, a Milk of the Moon, an Extract of the Se­ven Stars, the Humidum Radicale of Met­tals, the Balsom of Flint, the Magistery of Pearls, the Elixer of Life, the Rosy Cru­cian Pantarva, and the Soul of this World, and that in the Moon: All which are to be sold in his Elaboratory, at the price of your Lives and Fortunes, if you swallow them; and will keep good (if ever they were so) as long as a Whig can retain a Secret, a Poet keep Mony, or nomlaS him­self within the Bounds of Truth and Ho­nesty, who is no more to be believed, when he boasts of his Cures, than the De­vil if he should expound upon the Gospel; but I have taken more pains with him, than he is worth, and there­fore must set him aside, to make room for.

The Stately Methodical Whig Physician, or

A Grave Sir in a Gilded Chariot, with two Laced Liveries, to bespeak his Grandure, and raise the Price of his Visits, who boasts that with Opium, and Jesuits Powder, he can cure all Diseases, which he but Pallitates for a time, and then sends them to sleep with their Fathers. He enters your Chamber with a Close Mouth, but an Openhand, for like Ba­lams Ass, he will not speak, till he has seen three Angels; and then leaving a Scrawl to his Apothecary, which he can Read but cannot Construe, the Don is in hast to go to a Conventicle, but has order'd his Lacquey, to call him out a­gain as soon as he is set, as if to a Pa­tient; when 'twas only to Bubble the Congregation into an Opinion that he is a Man of Great Practise, and the Holder-Forth takes the Hint, and prays aloud for his Success: Which in the Modern Phrase of Physicians, is crying Work for the Tinker. For this Service the Non Con has his Dinner with the Doctor, and they drink Wine so long, till both their Noses are as Red and Fiery, as if they had been made [Page 56]by a Drunken Smith, that after he had Forg'd them, forgot to Quench 'em, and then the Vultures take their Flights for New Quarrey, to make work for one a­nother. Among one Hundred of these Methodical Quacks, you shall scarce find five Rational Physicians: Their Ne plus Ul­tra in Acute diseases are Jesuits Bark, and Opium. In Chronical Distempers, the Milk Dyet, the Steel Course, and Mine­ral Waters. As for Purging, Glystering, Blistering, and Bleeding, they are fortui­tously Directed according to the Doctors Caprichio; and lastly the Cordial Course, which is Spirit of Harts-horn, and Spirit of Piss Succinated. Now for Physicians, who pretend to be Medici Legales dogma­tici, Rationales, and Veri Methodici, and yet tye up themselves only to five Spuri­ous Remedies, is as much Muntebanking in their Coaches, as vending Or vietan on a Stage is. Our Patient is now in a Course, and as the Dutchman says, being Ship'd with the Devil, must go over with him; however, finding the Vessel is over-laden with Bark, a Consult is desired to drive out the Jesuite; who after laying their Learned Heads tog [...]ther, seeing the West-Indies would not afford them a remedy against the Jesuites Bark, the East-Indies shall, and now comes in the God Stone, tho' they neither know what it is, nor the use of it, it must be thrown at the [Page 57] Jesuite. The Consult are agreed, being all in a Confederacy, to employ none but those of the same Gang. Flectere Si ne quo, Superos Acheronta movebo. He can but dye, and therefore they take the oppor­tunity of making Experiments, at the cost of the Patients Life; and these Doctors having the Supreme Authority of Phy­sick, none dare question 'em, for fear of falling into their Physick Inquisition: Whereas another would have been hang'd for half the Barbirity they used against him: For these and many other Reasons, (I suppose) the Babilonians Herodot l. 1. Banish'd all Professors of Physick out of their Domi­nions; and Rome Bodinus de Republ. p. 513. likewise kept out all Physicians Six Hundred Years together, and in that time enjoy'd a grea­ter degree of Health, by the Natural Dictates of their Reasons, and Experience of Familiar Remedies, and Regulating their Diet, than ever they did since their Admission; and therefore I shall pray with Parson Ball, at the tying on of his Sword, pray God I may never have occasion to use them, for to live Physically is to live Mis­erably.

An Amphibious Latitudinarian, Aldermanlike Whig.

IN the Country he wears the Title of a Right Worshipful Sir Something, that Sprung up from Nothing; but being laid Cross the Shoulders with a Knight-hood; his Horn is exalted above his Neighbours. His Father was a Man of good Stock, tho' but a Grasier; he bought the Land, and his Son the Title; and the next Ge­neration returns his Family into their Original. His Study is the Fashion of his Cloaths. His Religion Whiggism, which like French Pottage is made up of every thing. A May-Pole is his apt Re­semblance, which is Rootless for want of Principles, Sapless for want of Wit, and Fruitless for want of Charity, with a Wea­ther Cock on the Top, changing with e­very Wind of Doctrine; who being now level'd with the Ground, I must seek his Counterpart in another Place and Station. In a City our Latitudinarian has clim'd up into Alderman; and being wrapt in Furr, and tyed to a Gold Chain, becomes Vene­rable in his Authority, and Right Hon­orable among the Whigs, for his Native Instability, and Neutrality, and his Pli­ableness [Page 59]in Bending either in the House of God or Rimmon. To shew he is of no Re­ligion, he professes to be a Friend to all, and thinks there is not a Pin to choose, between the Bible and the Alcoran! He would be wholly a Christian, but that he is something of an Atheist, and would be wholly an Atheist, but that he is partly a Christian. He would be a Churchman, but for the Severities of Mortification, and the Doctrine of Restitution, and cannot be a Presthyterian, because he has not a Con­stitution fit for Long Prayers, nor the Stool of Repentance. Independant Expositions, and Lectures, would take up too much of his time; and the Quakers Silent Meet­ings in a Barn, would unqualify him for shewing his Oratory and Eloquence on the Bench; and therefore he calls himself a Latitudinarian Whig, and that answers all things. Every New Religion Scares him from a former, but none has power to perswade him to it self. He finds Reason in all Opinions, but Truth in none, and leads his Life accordingly. His Estate alone has Elected him into the Highest Post in the Common Hall, for had he not been worth Thousands in Cash or Ware, he never have rose above the Degree of a Beadle, by his Understanding or Inter­est. However he is Ambitious of a Name, and therefore lays no stress upon Honour and Conscience; but Wags his Tail upon [Page 60]every mean Cit, that Spits in his Mouth by Flattery; and is never any thing, but what his Profit and his Company make him. Among Churchmen, he is what they say of Chine of Beef, Pout, Pheasant, Partridge, or whatever else will Relish with their curious Palates. The King's Health in their Company goes down as Glibly as his Mistresses; which at other times would go down with as much dif­ficulty, as his Wive's, or a Cup of Sour Sixes, If a Courtier makes him a Visit, the Velvet Chair, and a Flask of Florence, shews how kindly he takes it, and to make him some Requital, there shall be no discourse against the Ministry, or Mis­managements, at his Table for Four and twenty hours afterward. He tells the Courtier how well the City and their Wives are Govern'd, and forgets not to mention his own share in the Settlement; but no sooner are his Gown and He remov­ed into an Apartment where the Whigs are stowed, but he lays aside his 'To'ther end o'th Town Face, and slips on his Magistra­tical Phiz, and Salutes his Brethren in Mood and Figure. If they repremand him for going sometimes to Church, he excuses it, as being a Magistrate, and must Act Politickly: That he is in Con­science against the Church, and goes thi­ther only for his Conveniency, to be a Spy upon that Party, and askes God forgive­ness [Page 61]for going to Prayers among them; and goes to the Conventicle in the After­noon, to make one part o'th day Scan­dalize the other. Thus like a State Jack of all Trades, he appears Godly from the Teeth outward, by putting the Cheat upon himself, and his Admirers. He sees two Parties contesting for superiority, and therefore thrusts his Nose in the back-sides of both the Pretenders; that whoever Wins the day, he may put in for a Friend to the Prevailing Party. His Politicks have also the perfections of the Whig: He cannot take the Oaths to the Government, nor the Eucharist from a Church Man, but as a Qualification to an Office of Profit, and so he would take it in Lambs Wool, and at Constantinople would be Circumcised with a Reservation. He discovers his Allegiance by repeating Misdemeanors, and in finding Faults with­out any desire to mend them; but on all occasions, takes advantage to Cramp and Canker all Men of a Steddy Loyalty. Ac­cordingly he divides his Life, between Restless apprehensions, Doubts never to be resolved, Deliberations that can never take effect, and starting Notions in Go­vernment, that no mortal Man under­stands any further, than a Superinducing one Confusion upon another, and encoun­tring Lesser Evils with Greater: Which has given him the Character of a States­man [Page 62]Revers'd, or a Christian with the wrong side Outward.

The Senceless, Upstart, Whig Coun­try Gentleman.

IS an Animal begot betwixt Enthusiastick Dulness, and Sophisticated Reason, and stole into the World when the Eye of Providence was a sleep, to Ridicule the whole Creation, and out-do Africa with a Monster of a new Edition. His Name in the Lapland Dialect is Wotsallon. He has the Natural Privilege of a Visor-mask, and his own Face effectually describes him. His Strength is in his Back, and his Weakness in his Brain, as if Nature had cut him out for a Stallion to a Brothel-House. His Heels are better mounted than his Head, and for the Figure sake might serve for Basis or Capitol. When he walks, he Grunts like a Sow in Quest of Sun-Cake, Waddles like a Bear in state, and wants nothing but a Rout of Bors and Bag-pipes to grace his solemn Entry to a Conventicle, anglice, the Bear Garden. When he Eates, you'd think all the Cor­morants in the Universe were united in­to one devouring Cerberus, to famish the rest of Mankind, and when the Booby [Page 63]laughs you'd think a Mandrake groan'd, or a Bed of Wormly Toads were croaking their Vespers. His Rickety Head is swoln beyond a Symetrical Proportion, and was naturally adorn'd with Carrots of a right Sandwich Hew, but now is cover'd with Puntack's cast white Wig to disappoint the Hoggs, and keep his Fool's head from the Weather. His Face looks as if some ig­norant Carver had cut it out of a Dir­ty Turnip, Skin'd it with the Hexagongy of a Hony-comb, and embellish'd his Cheeks with the Blue from his Eyes, to make the Figure more astonishing. His Lips are as green as a Leek, and have the Vertues of it also, in preserving his Rotten Teeth from Gracing the Shoulder-Belt of a Corn-Cutter; but if this Description be too brief to know him by, you cannot miss the Rake every Noon hanging at a Lord's Arse in an Eating-house; with a Soul full of Hypocrisy, a Heart full of Treachery, a Mouth full of Commendation of Oliver's Usurpation, and Lyes against the present Court. A Belly full of Claret, a white Wig full of Powder, a Pocket full of Papers a­gainst the Government, and a Head Brim­full of Emptiness.

Heraldry knowns nothing of his An­cestors on either side, for like Mushrooms they grew up in a Night of Rebellion, by Plundering the Loyal Party, and agree­ably to his Stock, had this Miscellany of [Page 64] Whig and Publican his Education. When Bulk and want of Brains, rendred him fit for Indentures, he was put Apprentice to a Woodmonger, and when Seven Years of Eating and Drinking, and now and then a little Ditch-side Whore, to enter him, were accomplish'd, he set up at London, Master of a great Dogg, a small Stack of Faggots, and a Lighter of Coals about the bigness of a Hogs Troffe; but this Sickly shew, not being able to sup­port his Extravances, according to the Laudable Custom of the City, some Wo­man must be Cheated. To a Marriage Broken Brother he Complains for want of a Wife, to exalt his Hornes to an Equal Height with his Neighbours, who on paying the Prime Cost for Procuration, and Mr. Scruples Fee for assisting the Contri­vance, a Plump Tarpolins Daughter, newly Rig'd, Wash'd, and Tallowed, is found out, and Attack'd: And tho' some Friends of the Girles oppos'd the Match, as unwilling that any thing should Marry a Baboon, but what had been begotten by a Monkey; yet the Devil's two Broker, the Holder Forth; and the Solicitor, having Melted down the Mother with Eve­ning Exercises, long Prayers, Fat Loins of Veal, and Repeated Drams of the Bot­tle, and setting up the Fop as a Stiff-Rumpt Whig, and a Zealous Conventicler, the Smithfield Bargain was struck up with [Page 65]the Mother, and the young Lump of Wapping Zeal, and Breeding, finding she had no other choice but the Collier, or a Shipless Saylor, she consented the former shou'd enter her Poop, and steer her, for Better for Worse, into the fatal Port, of an empty Wood Wharf, where tho' replenish­ed soon after, by transmuting the Saylor's Mettle into a full stock of Wood and Coals; carrying a greater Sail than the slender Smack would bear, the Vessel sprung a Leak in her Bread Room, and the crazy Mast standing bent a while, at length Snapt asunder, the Vessel Sunk in the Har­bour, and the Quarter part Master and Owner, from the hopes of a Livery Hood and Gown, which was the height of his Ambition, was confin'd within the com­pass of a Leather Jacket, ecchoing about the streets Great hard dry Faggots, five for Six pence, Faggots. This Employ not agreeing with his Body, and being also above the reach of his Brain to manage; with his Horse, and Cart, his Wife and other Lum­ber of the House, he retired to Fast and Pray in the Country, for a Translation of his Sires into their Original Dust and Ashes, that he from a Broken Trades Man, might have a Resurrection into Gentle­man.

The blind Baud Fortune, according to her usual Method of obliging Fools, with the help of a Whig Doctor, and the Pray­ers [Page 66]of the Canting Tribe, sends his Grand-Sire and Father to their places, and and removes the Whifling Whig out of W—Shire into Hert—Shire, and Palmes him upon that Country for a Gen­tleman, without any other qualification than a large Stock of Whiggism, Hypocrisy, and Confidence. Now he sets up for a man of figure, Whig, Beau and Spark, and uses all the modern Arts to accomplish him­self for something to be talk'd on; and whereas in the days of his Retrogradation, he kept Sneaking company, such as had some remains of Conscience about them; that were afraid of being Damn'd, that went to Hear, Lay with their Own Wives, said Grace of an Ell Long before two Eggs and a Sallad; and in short, were Errant Whig Christians, without the least tinc­ture of Beau, Bully or Bravo among them: He now pearches up into Squire, and Worshipful, and Drinks, as Bloodily; Swears, as Damnably; and Whores, as like a Gentleman, as is possible for a Wood­mongers Apprentice to attain to. He bids Adien to the Droanish Custom of Sober Whigs, in Kennelling at Twelve, and Rising at Eleven; and now says the night was made for Beasts to Rest in, and Sparks to be Pox'd and Revil in; and therefore never Nods in London, but when there comes out a Proclamation against Sleeping, and then he takes a Nap of Nine hours [Page 67]long to Affront the Government he lives by Sobriety and Temperance he reckons among the number of the Seven Deadly Sins, and to distinguish himself from the Lower Rate of Whigs, boasts how often he has been Flux'd, and the great store of Buboes and Shankers he has had about him. Some­times he shews you his Face Broke a­gainst the Posts of a Tavern Door, his Coller Bone dislocated, by being kick'd down stairs in a Baudy-House, and there's no question but one time or other, he'l have his Brains beat out to inform his Judgment, or be Run through the Guts by the La—Shire Knight, for Cracking and Lying of the favours he has received from his Vertuous Lady, and then the World will be Rid of one of its greatest Incumbrances.

Having made this start into Gentleman, his next Affair is to keep up that Charac­ter among the Party, by herding with all Factions against the Government, Ecclesias­tical and Civil, and sets up for a Drunken Saint, tho' the immodish Coxcomb knows Religion is out of Fashion. The Sirname of his Sect is unknown in Alexander Ross's View of Religions; and tho' fools, make up the Gutts of all Churches, yet his Life is so Scandalous he is not own'd as a Member of any. His Religion consists in Railing against all Governments but Oli­ver's, and cursing the Whore of Babylon [Page 68]worse than the strect Crack that clap'd him. He would be a Prestbyterian, but for fear of the close stool of Repentance. An Independant, but that he has neither Gifts nor Graces, and thinks himself not Fool nor Madman enough yet to be a Quaker; tho' he has the Ill manners of 'em all, in bespattering the Court, notwithstanding he Lives upon the Alms-Baket of the Treasury.

The Stomach of an Ostridge is a Type of his Conscience, and his pretended Ge­nerosity, is like the dissembled Compassion of a Crocodile. Whomsoever he fawns on he Devours, and swallows Lands, Te­nements and Stewardships, like a Jugler Knives, without ever choaking him. Two things he never kept in his life, Fast-days, nor Promises, and his Words being but wind, he never scruples breaking 'em Upwards in good Faith, nor Downwards in good manners. Honesty he looks upon as a Starving Notion, next Door Neigh­bour to Beggary. Conscience, like the Small-Pox, haunted him when he was young; but since he came to years of Maturity and Business, seeing it Interfere with his Interest, he gave it a Wring by the Nose, and Kickt it down Stairs, that it might not Disturb his company. To en­title him to the Office of a Publican (which his security e're long will dearly suffer for) he makes a shew of good Husbandry, [Page 69]which is indeed but the effects of his Necessities; and therefore tho' he gives his Brother Whigs, their Bellies full of Bacon when they come to see him, he makes them so drunk before they go that they Spew it up again, which serves his Dogs for a Meal, and so looses little by his Entertainments. He holds the Scale of Justice as Blindly, as the Goddess that was born so; shews his Wisdom most in his Silence, and does his Country best service in his Absence. His Severity is all against Regretors and Fore-stallers, and cares not if they Raise the Devil, so they don't Raise the Market. His Servants are in as many Shapes, and Employments, as if their Master was a Magician; for the same person that Rigs his Worship for the Bench, serves the Dogs in the Kinnel. To save the expence of keeping a Clerk he writes his Warrants himself, from an ill Presi­dent; but when he has done can't Read them, without the assistance of that Ca­tholick Utensil he calls his Secretary, his Valet, his Butcher, his Groom, his Dog­keeper, his Every thing: And therefore hangs him behind his Coach, to be service­able upon all Publick occasions; to wipe his Master's Shooes, or assist his Wood­mongers Worship in Rectifying Abuses and Mismanagements. Of all the Senceless Animals that attend him, his two Black Mares have the Constantest, tho' not the [Page 70] Sweetest Imployment, who carry Dung to th' field all the Week, and to th' Church, or Church Meeting-house on Sundays.

Being thus accomplish'd for a Wor­shipful Shustice of the Peace, and the t'other thing too, Quorum, tho' he no more un­derstands the meaning of it in English, than if it was Arabick: To compleat the Character of a Finish'd Fop, he also sets up for a Wit, by swearing with a Bonne Grace, telling Baudy stories, and convincing all the World, that he has no Sence, no Learning, no Religion, no Good Nature; but boasts of being a Sott, and having the Pox five times, that he may be admired for some­thing. Old Fools and Fops that set up for Wits and Rakes, are the Directors and Go­vernors of his Life, and he despises all Man­kind, that are not arrived at his Pitch of Gallantry. He looks upon't as an Unpar­donable sin, to be without a Ribbon round his Wast, tho' a Halter would better be­come his Neck, for honester men than he have been hang'd. He calls all Men Clowns that offer to Brush the Powder from their Coats, that han't a Useless Sword, with a Dangling Ribbon down to their Shooes, and a juicy Dab of Snet and Snush, at the end of his Snout, and a fine Silk Wastcoat and Breeches to wipe it on, in the absence of an Indian Hankerchief. He is a great ad­mirer of all Women's Companies but his Wife's, tho' he smeils so Rank that he [Page 71]is scarce able to be endured in Mens. He Chuckles at the sight of a White Peticoat, like a Turky-Cock at a Red one; yet could never attain to any above the degree of a Common Street Walker; for the Woman that would grant this Pole Cat the favour of a Run, without giving him the Pox in Requital, would scarce deny one to the Devil. He has a Hundred ways of get­ting Money, and a hundred and fifty of spending it, besides Eating, Drinking, and Wenching. viz. in Galloping from Town to Town, and from Conventicle to Conventicle, to buz Fears and Jealousies among Citizens; Factions among Country Gentlemen, and Sedition among the com­mon People: Coaching it from Taverns to Eating-houses, and thrusting himself into the company of Titulado's at the Price of Paying all the Reckoning. In the Coun­try he lives like a Hawking, Setting, Hun­ting Fool, that rides many a Mile i'th' Dirt for a purchase like himself, neither worth the time, nor trouble, that I have bestowed upon him; for striving to cor­rect a Blockhead by Satyr, which describes him to others, while he turns away his Eyes from seeing his own Picture, is like rayling to a Deaf-man, and therefore 'twould be a pleasure to men of Wit and Honour, and for Publick Vengeance, if this fool in a Frame, had some feeling, and were Sensible when he is corrected. However, [Page 72]if this don't Reform him, and cause him to make Restitution, the next Setting shall pro­duce his Effigies, more to the Life than this is, and give you his Name in words at length, and not in figures. In the mean time I will describe his favourite Dunce, which he goes three or four miles to hear, in contempt of the Worthy Minister of his own Parish.

The Church Whig, or the Ecclesi­astical Bifarius.

IS the Off-spring of Ignorance and Non­conformity, who being Dieted a while in a Country School, upon Rules, Excep­tions, and redious Repetitions of Amo's and [...] till he had learn'd how Phaeton broke his Neck, how many Apples Tytirus had for his Supper, and understood Ho­mer's Commendations of Ach [...]lles's Toes, and the Graecians Bootes; knew a Hexameter from a Pentameter, a Sponde from a Dactil, and could fit them without Sence to his Fingers-end; tho' his Parts were contemp­tible, and the Purses of his Friends at too low an Ebb, to maintain him like a Scho­lar: To the University he must go for a little Logick, and Ethicks, and is Predesti­nated by his Relations to be a Cl [...]rgy-man, in hopes that a Benefice where Henry the [Page 73]Eight had not been too busy with his Toll Dish, but that yet there remain'd some Good-Land, that Afforded Milk and Honey, might be the Portion of our Juvenile in­tended Levite. Now that success might answer the desires of his Parents, and that the Babe of Grace might not Surfeit on Human Learning, the Tutor employs him in Bed making, Chamber-Sweeping, and Water-fetching, that the Sizars Brains might not be over heated with too much Vain Philosophy. Having suck'd in about Six or Seven mouthfuls of Vniversity Air, exactly learnt to Respond to Quid est Lo­gica, and Quot Sunt Vertutes Morales; with Burgurdicius, Eustachius, and such Excel­lent Help Meets in Divinity in his Coat Pocket; down he goes by the first Carrier on the Top of a Pack, into the Country to Propogate the Gospel, and by that time he can say his Predicaments, and his Creed, you find him in a Pulpit; for now he has the Choice of Preaching or Starving: Tho' it had been Ten times better for the Lad and the Church, that he had been made a Tooth Drawer, or a Porter. Some Poor Starv'd Vicar, that ne're could keep a Cu­rate in his Life, gives him a Title to Or­d [...]nation, and then a Neighbouring Knight takes him into his Family, at the Price of Ten Pounds a year, and a Sunday Pudding, to perform Holy Offices, and spoil his Chil­dren by making him their Tutor. Being [Page 74]a Stranger to the House, and a Decent Behaviour, my Cousin Abigal out of Cha­rity, and in hope of the Benefit of her Clergy, instructs him in the knowledge of a Chaplains Duty, viz. That he must ne­ver speak in the Parlour but at Grace and Prayer time, and be sure with a Low Bow to Rise in time from the Table, take away his Plate, and march off with his Hat under his Arm, and cleave a Logg into Billets, for the Parlour Fire, whilst the Knight, my Lady, and her Children, eat up the Chickens, Tarts, and Custards, and then calls in the Chiplin to Dismiss them. This obligation upon the young Levite, gives him a liking to Mrs. Abigal, which she Cherishes with the Remains of her Ladies Caudles, and the Pills of her China Oranges, and lays the Foundation of his Ruin. To please his Mistriss, and gain the Vicarage that is Entail'd upon her Office by the Custom of the Manner, he is sometimes found Cracking Nutts, and Reading in his Study, and having luckily discover'd a Vacuum in his Upper Room, he fills it with Learned Jargon, Materia Prima, Occult Qualities, and Attoms, which the Lady of the House observing, she breaks out in his Commendation. Truly the Young Man is much improv'd, since he came into our Family. The Ladies good Word, the Knight's good Nature, and Mrs. Abigals's Apron Strings growing too short, preferrs [Page 75]him at once to a Benefice, and a Belly-piece, where the All Wise Patron, and the All Understanding adjoining Justice, being both Severe and Sour Whigs, the Chipling to gain their Favours, and Reassume what he was bred to, sets up for a Church Whig also, and leaves nothing unattempted that may shew his Respects to the Dissenting Party. Now he sets up for a Conforming Dissenter, and carries the fair Outside of a Man, and is an errant Knave in his Heart: One that indifferently divides his Body and his Soul betwixt Right and VVrong: The Government has his Head and Pur­t'nances, and the Schism his Affections. He is externally a Church of England-Man, but inwardly a Phanatique, and his own Judgment Condemns his Practice, which he Dispenses with, to make Friends of the Unrighteous Mammon. At first he bowed towards the Altar, and now if their VVorships are absent, to Goodman VVebb, and Goodman Bland, and the best Yeomanry of the Parish. He divides his good Wishes equally between the King and his Patron, but prays for the former in the Desk, and the latter in the Pulpit. He Huddles over the Prayers of the Church, as if he was Riding Post, and long'd to be at the end of his Journey; but is very Devout and Deliberate in his own Ex­tempore Belchings, as if want of Sence made 'em acceptable to God, as well as [Page 76]to his Ignorant Auditors. He sets his Face by their Worships Glasses, casts his Shapes in their Mould, and serves the VVhig Dons in all Offices. Prays and Ex­pounds in their Families, Writes their Leases, Bonds, and VVarrants, and gives them Glysters when they are Costive; which with Collecting his Tyth Pigs, Calves, and Geese, and his Egges and Easter Off­erings, takes up so much of his time, that he has scarce Leisure to steal an Old Par­liament Sermon, and therefore Stuffs his Memory with harsh Metaphors, Childish Similitudes, and Misapplied Tales of Tubs, that serve him as well on all occasions. He has however an Excellent Knack (as they call it) in Preaching of such Gib­berish as it is, and is always Provided. If a Text lies at Sculk all the Week, and will not be found to be Rived in Pieces be­fore Saturday Night, or Sunday Morning, he then Climbs up to it by Six Steps, as Solomon ascended to the Ivory Throne, or else goes down to it, as Moses from the Hill of Sinai, and whereever he finds it Splits it into pieces, to make it look like something. If it be a Soft Text, and does not Drop a sunder of it self, he Crumbles it into Mor­sels between his Fingers, to feed the Brood of Chickens assembled. If like Medow Hay the Text be long, he Chops it for the tender Calves, and gives the Oarts to the Strong Bulls of Bashan. If the Text be [Page 77] Free Timber, he divides it into as many parts, as there are Words or Letters in the whole; but if it prove Knotty, he di­vides it (Beloved) into One part, and then it looks like Rachel and Leah, or like Abraham at his Tent Door; like the Dove that Noah sent out of the Ark to look for fair Weather; like a Carpenters pair of Stradling Compasses, or an Orchard of Pom­granets. He is mighty Provident in Hus­banding the Words of the Text; and from a Monasillable, like a Conjurer can Raise many Points of Doctrine and Observation. If the Word And, sits in his Text, 'tis like Mathew at the Receipt of Customs; or like Zoar, 'tis but a little Word, and observes from it, That small things must not be dis­regarded. If he encounter the Word But, standing or Travelling in his Text, 'tis like the Man going to Jericho, and it Prea­ches to you Caution and Comfort, first Cau­tion and shews that this But is such a Butte that you cannot Hitt it, unless Free Grace direct your Arrow; and secondly for your Comfort, 'tis a Butt of Excellent Wine, and then falls to Broaching it. Sometimes he shews his Wit in Jingling with Words, and his Learning by false Concord and Quan­tity, and then opens his Treasury of Tales Metaphors and Similies, wherein the Al­mighty himself is in danger of being Blas­phem'd, if the Metaphor-Monger had not the Art of bringing himself off, with a [Page 78] Limping, As it were, As I may so say, and Salving all by hobling in, with Reverence be it spoken. Then to humor the Factious he Groans, Leaps, Hurls and lays about him, in Railing Bloodily against Plurali­ties, and wishes the Clergy as many Wives as Benefices. Non Residence he Confutes by that plain Text of Scripture, Abraham begat Isaack, which is as Convincing as Demonstration it self; for had Abraham not Resided, but discontinued from Sarah his Wife, he could never have begot Isaac, which sets 'em all a Groaning in the Mid­dle-Isle, worse than at the Burials of their Fathers, or Husbands, or at the News of Cherry's miscarrying of a White-fac'd Calf: Which with a Sober Word or two against the Government, and setting out his own Losses by the Tax upon Births and Burials, which kept young Men from Gettiug Chil­dren, and old Men from Dying to save the King's Duty, he concluded the Preachment, and the Masters of the Parish in Commi­feration of his suffering, charitably Order the half-Fac'd Brother, a Recruit out of the Poors Rate; in a grateful Comme­moration whereof, he resolves at the first opportunity to burn the Cover of the Font to boil his Leeke Porrage; to let the Com­mon Prayer Book fall into the Dirt, to spare the Trouble of Reading it; and to Tare out the Surplis into Necessaries for the Fa­mily, to shew his Zeal against Popery, and [Page 79]his Aversion to Ceremonies, and so much shall serve for this Time and Text, next Lords-Day you shall have him again with a New one.

A Slasher, or a Tirannical Ignorant Pedagogue.

IS an Essence that stands in need of a Double Definition, for he is nothing related to the Man he would appear to be. He is a Tyrant in a Common-wealth of Boys, and arm'd with a Rod and Ferula, is more insolent, and Arbitary, than a Universal Monarch with his Sword and Scepter: And we need not wonder at Dyonisius, the Tyrant, who being expulsed his Kingdom, and getting to be Master of a School, should choose that Sovereignty for the more Voluptuous Dominion. Bea­ting of Children about their Books, has always been decryed by the wisest Philoso­phers, when they understood it no fur­ther than the pleasure of Revenge; but what would they have said of a Punishment, which serves a Viler Affection, and may be numbted among those [...] and those [...] that are not to be named among [...] without borrowing the Cleanly expression of the Incomparable Hudibrass.

A Man cannot speak without Shame of this Abominable Vice, nor expose this Ma­lady to Cure, without reproaching Man­kind, and giving such Instances, as would render the Malefactors the Hated Objects of all the World; the Master is Idle, takes no Pains, and has no Patience, and the Child is Chastiz'd for the pleasure of gra­tifying a Base and Unnatural Appetite: And Catches at a fault in a Boys Constru­ing, to please himself in Inflicting the Punishment. The fault once Sprung, the Bird is seized, the Flesh is made Bare, and how does the Jer-Faulon Pearch over it; and Commit a Sin, besides that of Cruelty, that Nature abhors the thoughts of; and which Quintilian assigns as a Reason for the Total Abolition of such a Barbarous and Inhuman Custom, in words which much affected me: Jam si minor in dilegendis Custodum et Praeceptorum moribus fuit Cura, pudet Discere in quae Probra nefandi hominis isto caedendi jure abutantur, non morabar in parte hominis hac, Nimium est quod intilli­gitur. I will not English it, because 'tis the Sore I would fain have to be Remedied, and for the sake of which I have made this Digression: That the Persons con­cern'd might Reform, before they are more [Page 81] Exposed, or a Law be promulged to Re­strain and Punish it.

His milder Character is a Silly Animal in black, with a Band as broad as a Slab­berring Bib, and serves for that purpose; A Steeple-Crown'd Hat, with broad Brims, which shews he is flying into Deacon's Orders, and with good Friends may be Preferr'd to be a Reader: Or he is a Fardle of Words (for he never had mean­ing in his Life) bound up in Calves Skin, and Letter'd on the back, Ludi Illiterarij. His Soul is drown'd in Flesh, and is the most dangerous Creature in the World, for confirming of an Atheist: Who would Swear it was nothing but the Tem­perature of his Body: His Thoughts never reach beyond his Eyes, and all his Facul­ties, like Restive Jades, cannot be Spur'd to the Pursuit of any commendable Qua­lity. His Tongue always runs before his Wit, in Mood and Figure, and Lilies Lex in Sermone tenenda cannot stop it. Igno­rance, and Gross Feding, are his Founders; Railing Rabbies, and wide knee'd Breeches are his Nurses, and his Life is but a bor­rowed blast of Wind, for between two Religions, as between two Doors, he is al­was Whistling. He is averse to all kinds of Government, and yet thinks it no less than Treason, to say the Nominative Case does not Govern the Verb, or that the first Supine has no Active Signification; but af­ter [Page 82]all, should the Laws Ecclesiastical en­join the wearing clean Shirts, he would be Lowsy rather than Conform to a cleanly Command. His Memory is exercised in setting his Phiz in a Form of good Lite­rature, and he neither Coughs, nor Spits, nor blows his Nose, but by a Rule in Gram­mar. His Learning was thrown into him Glyster Wise, and therefore he speaks Sen­tences more Familiarly than Sence; Writes true Latin, but false English; and is a Stranger in no part of the World so much as in his own Country. He gives Rules for Husbandry from Virgils Georgicks, for Breeding Cattle from his Bucolicks. Tea­ches Stratagems in War, from Caesars Com­mentaries, and Keckermans Logick furnishes him with an Unanswerable Ergo. His motion on Foot is a measure, on Horse­back a Gallop, for his Legs are his own, but his Horse and Spurrs were borrowed. There went but a Pair of Sheers between him and a Non Con Preacher; and both their Misfortunes is not so much, in being a Couple of Starch'd Conceited Fools, as in taking so much Pains to shew it. The extent of his Ambition is Criticism, and Tully is his Example. He Selects his Phra­ses by the Sound, and not by the Sence; and the Eight parts of Speech are his Menial Servants, which he employs on all occasions.

A Politick, Tricking, Over-Reach­ing, Trading Whig.

IS a true Copy of a Wicked Original, where Arrogance supplies the Place of Birth, Inhumanity of Sincerity, and Cheat­ing of Wit. His Cap and his Knee, his Smiles and good Words, are all at a Min­utes Warning, to be dealt about upon all necessary occasions. All his Actions are Tipt with fair pretences, yet are directed to himself, and he never looks any further. He supplies his own Necessities, by asking others what they want. No Man Speaks more, and to less purpose; for his Words are like his wares, Twenty of One Sort, and he turns them over alike, to all his Customers. Whatsoever he shews you, is the Newest and best thing in all the Town, tho' it be the worst in his Shop or Ware­house. His Conscience was a Commodity, that would have lain upon his Hands, and therefore 'twas the first thing he Put off, and the want of it, serves him better than the use on't. His Religion is but Skin deep, it may appear in his Codled Counte­nance, but ne're comes near his Heart; 'tis Writ upon Changeable Taffaty, and like folded Pictures, makes him look one way [Page 84]like a Saint, and another way like the Devil. In his Shop he is a Tradesman, in the Coffee-house a States-man, and like an Earwig is always Creeping into peo­ples Ears, to breed Maggots in their Heads, and Filth in their Mouths at the Election of Mayors and Sheriffs, and City Officers. When he feels his craft is exposed, his Cun­ning Detected, and his Cheating Tricks discover'd and made punishable by Law, he cries out his Diana Trade is endanger'd; and if the Holder forth is bribed to whis­per some Ugly Suggestion about the loss or Decay of Trade, which always was, and always will be the Complaint of Shop and Conventicle, 'tis carried about with Cla­mour and Tragical Declamation; the Noise of Persecution Propogates like Thunder, spreads like Lightning, and every mouth is fill'd with Dreadful Apprehensions, that the Government are blowing up the Thames, Raising a Marian Persecution a­gainst Trade and Grace, and their Godli­ness. And that their Religion and Seven-Pence i'th' Shilling, would be brought to the Stake together, if care was not taken by them to prevent it; and then the Trad­ing Mob like Wild Asses, having snuff'd in these Prejudices, 'tis but natural they should Bray, and be impatient, when they find their Credit Low, and Fancy Trade a sinking, tho' there's no cause for this Complaint, only the People are Hair'd and [Page 85] Jugled out of their Senses, by the Dictates of a Faction, and the Venom of a Seditious Club of Common-Wealth's-men. He seems more Holy than others, to gain the advan­tage of being more wicked. He avoids Taverns and Ale-Houses by Daylight, only to Drink and Whore in Private. He knows there's Field room enough to play the Knave out of the reach of the Statute, and to act the Part of the white Devil in Hugger Mugger, and the Civil Magistrate be never the Wiser; and therefore does his Cheating Jobs Discreetly, and Juggles and Defrauds under the Visor of a Good Chri­stian. He has too much Wit to play the Fool in some Scandalous Cases, and Pleads Liberty of Conscience, for Biting his very Brethren in another; and so is honest by Discretion, and a Knave by Inclination. His seeming Sanctimony is made up of Negatives: If he does not take the Meat and Drink from the Hungry and Thirsty, Use Strangers like Doggs, nor strip Poor People Naked, he calls himself a Saint, and while he keeps his Hands from Picking and Stealing, lets his Tongue loose to Ly­ing and Slandering. He Fawns like a Spaniel upon every New Customer, and a Puking Wambling Conscience, is his Cloak to hide his Knavery. Oaths of Fidelity and Sacraments, are hard things to Swal­low; but rather than lose an Office of Profit, or a Post to Plague the Government, [Page 86]he can digest them with as much ease as Lucatella's Balsam, and be as upright a VVhig still, as any in the Linsey-wolsey Club of busy Intermedlers; and so in Dissenting or Complying carries on the same Design of Mischief, to the Publick, and security to his own Mothers Child. He rises by Degrees from one kind of Mischief to a­nother, and makes one Solaecism in the Ground work, produce a thousand in the Superstructure. He advances from Zeal to Jealousy, from Jealousy to Practice, from Fearing Faults to finding them; from Reforming Grievances, to the Dissolution of Laws, and from removing Evil Mini­sters to the highest degree of Disaffection to Monarchy.

The Shifter, or Jacobite Whig.

HAving cast the Slough of Jacobite, with a design of doing further mis­cheif, he Herds with Republicans, and has Liberty and Property in his Mouth, whilst Arbitrary Power and Slavery is Reigning in his Heart, and the whole design in coming over, is to promote them. All his former Intrigues against the Government being bassed, he lies like a Tyger or Wolf in the way, till he finds an Opportunity of Sei­zing [Page 87]his Prey, and then he makes a Leap at it. He has chang'd his Name, but not his Nature, and shews his Face at Court as a Convert, that in the croud he may Pass Unsuspected. He has worn his Estate to Rags in the Service of his Old Master, and now indeavours to get a New One, to repair his losses: Tho' there can be greater Indignity to Men of Merit, or a more pernitious Solaecism in Politicks, than to recommend this Counterfeit Con­vert to Preferment, till he has given as convincing Testimonies of his Fidelity, as he has formerly done of his Disaffection. He has chang'd his Colour; but still wear­ing all the Marks of Hyprocisy, you may read him in his Countenance; for as the Government is Healthy or Sickly, you will find his Complexion and Conversation just the contrary. He Clubs among the Whig Republicans, and keeps up his Cor­respondence with his Old Acquaintance, and employs all his Interest to help a Lame Dog o're the Stile, in the Service of that Party. He Compounds with the State for a bare External Conformity, with the pre­sent Posture of Affairs, and Compounds with the Jacobites to expiate the Delin­quency of that Cold and Formal Compli­ance, with Assurances that he is Theirs upon the first occasion. His discourse is a New sort of Cant, betwixt Oracle and Riddle, and never speaks any thing of [Page 88] Moment but under a Cover that will bear two meanings, a Better and a Worse, and the one still serves as a Cloak to the other. Ask him Who he's for? He answers, for the King and Government, meaning the Wrong King all the while, and another sort of Governors. He see's his Party cannot carry it by open Force, Battery or Assault, and therefore he is come in to Un­dermine it, while the rest are employed as Spies upon the Government, and creep in­to th' Garison to betray it if they can into the hands of the Enemy. He has fail'd in his first Essay by force, and now is at it by Jugling and Fawning: There's not a Fang, or a Talon, now to be seen; the Wolves are all turn'd into Lambs, and the Vultures into Pigeons. All our Enemies are either Dead upon the Spot, or Come over to us; which, is Alass, but the last Shift of the Faction, a Dose of Opium to lay us a sleep, for the cause is still alive, as errant a Counterfeit as the World affords; and will rise again, unless more weight be laid upon it, to keep it under. This kind of Trimming, is but the last effort of a Faction, that is well nigh hunted down, which if they have time to Recover it will be with a Vengeance. Their Conversa­tions rise up in Judgment against their Pretences, and are Overt Acts to expound the Secret purposes and Intensions of their Hearts against the Government, and that [Page 89]they have a mind to Trick us out of our Legal Settlement. The Dishonour and Scan­dal of which proceedings, will double our Calamities; for it is a much more supportable Affliction, for a Government to be master'd by Force, than to be chous'd by Credulity. The one is Fortune's fault, the other is our Own; and 'tis more Shameful to be Out-witted than to be Overcome.

The Republican Whig Jacobite

IS an Individuum Vagum, an Unkle Ro­bert, a Man of no Principle either of Honour, or Conscience, any further than it squares with his own Advantage. He is a common Enemy to all kind of Govern­ments, and prefers Plotting against what­ever is Uppermost, above any other kind of Lechery. Under the Monarchy of Charles the Secand, he was a profest Com­mon-wealths-Man, and employ'd himself, and his Pen, as desperately against that King and Court, as if he had been weary of his Life, courted a Halter, and the Ho­nour of Dying with his Shooes on: Which he had certainly done, if there had not been an Understanding between him and Secre­tary Jenkins; who order'd Mr. Legate, [Page 90]the Messenger, tho' his Name was in all Warrants against the Whigs not to Seize him, for fear, I suppose of Discovering him to be a Treacherous Jack of both Sides. In the Reign of James the Second, he set up for a Monmothean, to scandalize the Action, and at the Loss of honester men's lives, escaped from a Hog-sty with his own into Holland. In the Prince's glo­rious expedition to Redeem our Religion and Liberties, his Highness was pleas'd (as well he might) to deny this Boutfeau a Passage among those that offer'd him their Service, and the Worthy Gentleman that Over-perswaded the King he might pass in the Throng without any Reflection upon that Honourable Enterprise, has repented it ever since, that he open'd his Mouth for so vile a Wretch. In this happy Reign, tho' obliged beyond his Desert, he has plaid the Devil for the Devil's sake, and has put Hell to its Shifts, to Invent Plots so fast as he could utter them. He had an Office under the Government, and Act­ed for the Jacebites; beg'd money of the Independants to Relieve their Poor, but gave what he could spare from Symond's Tap, to the Non Jurant Parsons. Under the Visor of a Common-Wealth-Compounder, he made his Court at St. Germans, which shews the Credit of their Cause was sink­ing, when they laid hold on this Rotten Stick to keep it from Drowning. Lord [Page 91] Melford found the Plot Mettle, and he the Fire and Furnace, to Forge, or Cast it into Tooles for the service of Popery and Slavery, and in every Consultation to promote the Interest of that Party he al­ways propos'd the most Bloody Methods to obtain their Ends. There has been no Plot against the King and Government since his Majesty's Accesion to the Throne, in which he has not had a considerable share, either in Acting in it, or Shamming it, when it came to be Discover'd. He re­presents our Allies and Confederates as E­nemies, that make advantage by our losses, and our profess'd Enemies as True-Friends to England. When he had got Hundreds by his Office, he turn'd Tail upon the Government, and herded with the Mal­contents to make it Twice as much; and then tells the People in his Printed Pam­phlets, how strangely the King is Misled by evil Councellors, and that there's scarce a man at Court fit to Advise him. Some­times he appears in Print, as one of his Ma­jesty's Best Subjects, and in the Conclusion takes way the King's Honour, for the preser­vation of his Life; Undermines the Establish'd Church for the security of our Roligion; and sets up Democratical Principles for the Maintenance of the Monarchy. He has Modell'd his Looks into a Form, that is taking among the Seperating Precisians, and has his Eyes lifted up to Heaven, [Page 92]while his Hands are in their Pockets. He never Remembers Benefits, nor forgets Unkindneses, nor never is at a Loss for new Projects to plague the World, and Ruin Mankind. Aquinas does not more abound with Distinctions and Salvo's, than he with corrupted Texts to excite Men to Rebel­lion; and expounds the preserving the King in his just Right, to be the Assassinating his Royal Person, in which as he had his Share, 'tis pitty he miss'd the Punishment; for if he has not himself Brued all the Plots and Conspiracies these Ten years; yet he has been the common Advocate of the whole Rebellious Party, and has espous'd their Crimes as well as their Interests; for Writing for the Generality of Offenders, implies an Approbation of their Treasons, and that he is influenced by the same Evil Spirit, and wants a Power, not a Will, to commit the most Barbarous Murder. He scruples more the breaking one Oath of Conspiracy, than Twenty of Allegiance. His life is govern'd by a Phanatical Li­cense, that Emancipates him from the Servile and Pedantick Obligation of Con­gruity in his Life and manners, and Stages him as one of the Antipodes to mankind, made up of Crossness and Opposition. His Christian Liberty is Thwarting Authority, and advancing an Antichristian Anarchy: In placing the Sovereign Power in the Peo­ple, and making as many Kings as there [Page 93]are Men in England. He is the Spider, in the Emblem, he fetches Poison out of every thing, and had rather go to Hell in a Rebellious Road of his own Finding, than to Heaven in the way of Peace and Obedi­ence. Like a Mole he works under-ground, to throw up Fears and Jealousies, and when they have once taken Air, if Luci­fer himself sounded the Trumpet, it could not give a stronger Alarm to Insurrections and Assassinations. He has commonly a Bible in his Hand, and the Gospel in his Mouth, and yet 'tis legible by his Actions, that he quarters his Coat with the Atheist in the Pslams, that says in his Heart there is no God. He makes a Conscience of every thing and Nothing. What the Law re­quires, he Pukes at like a Breeding Wo­man; but to promote his own Traiterous Designs, the seven deadly Sins, pass whole through him without so much as Kecking. He is by Complection, Sower and Satur­nine; but half a Dozen Bottles will wind him up to the Pitch of Jest and Buffoonery; but either Drunk or Sober, merry or me­lancholy, Grave or Frolicksome; he is still a Malcontented Whig; but whether 'tis Hugh Peters of our side, or t'other, is not yet Determin'd; and therefore Reader, cross thy self, and have nothing to do with him; for if all the Wickedness of Man­kind were lost, there's enough in him to Replenish the World with Vices, and crow'd [Page 94]Hell with Obstinate, and Impenitent Cri­minals.

The Scurrilous and Seditious Whig Writer

IS generally speaking, either an Unim­ployed Needy Lawyer, a Proscrib'd Field Conventicler, a Caledonian Medica­ster, or a Renegado Popish Priest, new Lick'd into a Socinian Tubster; and under some or all these Qualifications, commen­ces a Member Politick of an Incorporate Faction, a Formal Pedantick Fault-finder in Government, and a Pamphleteer for Se­ditious Malcontended Clubbers. His Stile is either a Blustering Noise of Insignificant pompous Words, that threaten to kill six Opponents with his Pen, and Six and twenty with his Inkhorn, or else a Fardle of Obsolete Phrases, or Moth-eaten Adages, that were in use when Men wore Bon­nets, and wip'd their Noses on their Sleeves, for want of Handkerchiefs. The Scope of his Pamphlets (if they have any) is to possess the People with Fears of Arbitrary Power, to reflect Scandal upon the Go­vernment, to pelt the Court with Lean and Meager Reproaches, and the Ministry with such Audacious Suggestions, as may give [Page 95]the Multitude a Loathing of the Men and the Constitution. He is always provided (at the Charge of the Common Stock of busy Intermedlers) to write for that Party, who are still affrai'd of Losing what cannot be Taken from them, and upon those Fantastical apprehensions, care not if the Government be Dissolv'd, to gratify their Scruples. He is full of extraordi­nary Hints against Mismanagements, and Wounds Royal Authority through the sides of pretended Evil Counsellors. He is sometimes a Droll, and always a Sceptick, and there's scarce any thing so certain or Sacred, that he does not expose to Question or Contempt: Insomuch, that betwixt the Hypocrite and the Atheist, the very Foun­dation of Religion and Morallity is shaken, the Two Tables of the Decalogue dash'd to pieces: The Laws of Government Subject­ed to the Fancies of the Vulgar, and pub­lick Authority to the Private Passions of the Fickle Multitude. He is so fond of being Publick, that he will rather be a Blasphe­mous or a Rediculous Incendiary, than not be taken Notice of as a Whiggish Author. If there be a Libel in Town against the Go­vernment, some One, or a Club of them All, are sure to be the Composers of it, and are Celebrated among the Seditious, as Men of extraordinary Merit, meerly for being mischievious. Nothing comes amiss to make him Alarm the Mobile with ap­proaching [Page 96] dangers. What a Fury will he raise about Nothing, and counterfeit a Foolish Melancholly upon improbable dan­gers, to excite the brutish passions of the Rabble, upon every slight and frivolous suggestion. The Oration of the old Do­tard in Apuleius, would be less Rediculous than some of their doleful, and tragical Harangues about a Standing Army. The old Fellow comes forth with hideous Bel­lowings, and with all the Solemnities of Sorrow, and a discomposed Mind, to declaim in the presence of the whole City, against a Little Boy; and as soon as he could for Sighs and Groans, begins with weeping Teares, to let them know that he had some­thing to communicate that required all their Attentions, as they tender'd the safe­ty of the Common-Wealth; and so pro­ceeds to conjure them, by all things sa­cred and civil; by their Gods and their Altars, not to let the Murtherer escape un­punished; and having screwed up the Peoples expectations even to impatience, he was earnestly desired to declare the Crime, that so they might attone the An­ger of the Gods, which otherwise they might expect upon their City, if they should suffer such a horrid Villany to pass Unrevenged. At last (after he had moved all this indignation,) he produces Three Bottles broken all to pieces by the Lad; Here, Here, (says he) behold the Cruel [Page 97] Murtherer. At which (you may sup­pose) all the Audience fell a laughing then, as all Wise men do at our Pedan­tick Authors now, for endeavouring, with so much Seriousness and dreadfull Apprehensions, to raise a furious Passion out of Nothing. To keep him within the Limits of his own Sphere, was to con­fine a Wild Boar with sober words. There has been no peace upon Earth since he was in it, and a Man might as well at­tempt the Conversion of the Great Turk, as reconcile him to his Duty. He is the most Savage Creature in the world, and no less uncapable of Discipline than Rats and Swallows; and smells so rankly of Confusion and Disorder, that no Towardly Christian can approach him without an Antidote. He suriously combats every Trifle; raises a Tempest from the least Drop of Water; either commends or dispraises to the last degree of Rigour, and censures without Judgment or Authority: And there's no way to perswade him from repeating his follies, and Mudling himself in Ink, but to turn him to his old Trade of Lampoons, Ballads and Grubstreet Won­der-making, or make him forswear the use of Pen, Ink and Paper.

A Whig Trimmer, or a Jack of all Sides

IS a Will with a Wisp. a Man of no Principle either of Honour or Consci­ence, any further than it squares with his Safety and Profit. You may reckon him among the common Enemies of the Govern­ment and Mankind. His Countenance is like a Prognostication in an Almanack: When his Eyes sparkle with Joy, you must look upon the Dancing of those Spi­rits, like the Play of Porpoises before a Tempest, and when All is Well there, 'tis a fore-boding of Troubles, and Storms in the Publick: As a Cloud on his fore-head (on the other side), is an Infallible sign of Fair weather in the State; for that which makes the one fat, makes the other Lean, and common Dissasters are not only his Discourse, but his Food and Nourishment. and the reason of so much contariety is this: That Monarchy, and a Popular Sover­eignity, Law and License, Order and Con­fusion, can never stand together. He talkes aloud of Grievances, Abuses and Mismanagements, and makes it his business to Enlarge upon them. He talks of Dangers, and fills Peoples heads with fright­ful stories of them, and at the same Instant [Page 99]is so put to't for Want of Proof that he is faint at least to magnify, if not to Create them, and supply the Defect of matter, with Imposture and Invention. There's not a Whimsical Story passes the Town, that is capable of being improv'd into a Scandal or Illusion, but it's presently Fur­bish'd up, for the Service of the Malcon­tended: And when there wants matter of fact for a ground to work upon, 'tis his care to supply it with Fancy or Suggestion. He has a new way of Politick Masque­rading, under a Coat that fits all Factions and Opinions, goes round like a Mill-Horse in the same Track of Hearing, Telling and Dividing, and under pretence of Triming, at last removes, and with his own Weight over-sets the Wherry. The Gentleman that has indeavour'd to give him a fairer Cha­racter, has forgot what he is, and represents him what he should be. He Inclines too much to a Party to carry himself Uprightly, and approves the Sence of the Law, no lon­ger than it asserts his Interest; and thinks them no longer Jewels, than they hang at his Ears, or Adorn his Fingers. Tho' Monarchy, when the Administration falls into Wise and good Hands, is approved by all Judicious Men, as the best form of Government, he is no longer in Love with it, than it keeps him in humor with a Profitable Employment, and when that is taken away, yet by Trimming when he [Page 100]held his Office, he has Secur'd his Interest in a Party, and then sets up for a Jacobite, or a Republican; either for Another King, or no King at All, as he sees the Beam turning to his own Advantage. He is for a Liberty that is inconsistent with his Allegiance, and calls every Government Arbitrary, where he cannot Act the Ty­rant over all below him, and Checkmate all above him. He is not so Displeased with any thing, as our own Constitution, where Monarchy and Liberty are so hap­pily reconcil'd, that they Friendly Em­brace each other. He is angry that Li­berty of Conscience is establish'd by Law, because he has lost an opportunity of Quarrelling about it; for he had rather want his Right, than not gratify his Spleen, and humor his Perversness. He is a Friend to Zeal, and an Enemy to Knowledge, and Cheats himself by a false Ostentation of the Power of Godliness, without being in the form of it. He thinks himself of the True Religion, because he has been of All he could hear of, and having Pin'd himself to the Principles of Neutrality, had rather undergo the Laodicean Fate, than enjoy the Reward of Fidelity and Perseverance. The Noise of Fire at Midnight, does not so much Affright him, as a Discourse of Accommodation and Comprehension, for to be all of a Peice would spoil his Market, in being for, and against every thing, by [Page 101]way of Debtor and Creditor. He always shifts for the Warm side o'th the Hedge, and rather than run any Risque in his Bo­dy or Fortune, he'l leave his Prince, his Country, his Father or Friend in the Lurch, to save but the worth of a Cockle-shell. In your Prosperity over a Bottle of Wine, and a Dish of your Meat, he'l load you with Caresses and Civilities; but if you come to have the Wind and Tyde in your Teeth, and the Vogue of the Town against you, he'l be one of the first shall desert you in stark Love and Kindness; till you have strugled your way through the Diffi­culty, and then he's again your most Obe­dient Humble Servant,

If our Trimming Whig is a man of Au­thority, he will Ruin you with Trust and Confidence; and draw out your last blood in pretences to do your Business, when he never in the least Intends it. Ask his favour for an Employment: He allows you to be a very Honest man, and well quali­fied for any thing, one that has faithfully serv'd the King and Government, and he is glad, heartily Glad, that he has an oppor­tunity of serving you. He has three or four pretty things in's Eye; there are two or three Vacancies at present, and you may assure your self he is your friend to all In­tents and Purposes. you may intirely de­pend upon any Good Office he can do you, and that he will never leave you, till he [Page 102]has done something, or other, that, is Consider­able for you: And now betwixt the Credit of the Pretence on the one side, and the Snare of the Trust and Confidence on the other, you are entred upon the Road that leads to your Undoing. Now you have a Waiter's Place, and having danced Atten­dance on him till you have hardly Shooes to follow him longer, you have for answer, That he has done what he can; but there was so many Buts and Exceptions in the way, he could not accomplish his Wishes for you. But if you can find out any thing, you shall be sure of it. This puts you upon a new charge of Enquiring, and when you bring him an account of Three things Undisposed of, he falls into a Passion, and chides your Negligence; for if you had but spoke of it a Quarter of an hour sooner, he had done your business effec­tually; for one of them was just given a­way, and the other Two are Promised, and you must have Patience, and hunt about for more Discoveries, till he grow as Shy of you, as a sculking Citizen of a Serjeant.

Now as oft as you come, he is Sick, Busy, Abroad, or not to be spoken with. If you Way-lay and Surprize him, he is in great Hast, cannot Stay; but when you have found out something for your Turn, come to him, and you shall be sure, in English, To go without it. And now put all his Proffessions, Protestations, and Promises, [Page 103]into one Scale, and his Doublings, his Put-off's, Shams and Pretences into another, and you'l find your very Soul upon the most painful sort of Torture. Depend, says the Whiggish Trimmer. Assure your self, Upon my Honour, I will serve you; when there's no more in't at last, than so much Air thrown into the mouth of a Credulous fool, toward the satisfying of an Empty Stomach. One while the Honour of the Government will not bear it. The Incom­petency of the Person; 'tis too Little, or too much; 'tis too soon or 'tis too late, 'tis out of your Way, or unsuitable to your Humour; and, in a word, an honest man may as well lay his finger upon an Indi­visible Instant, as Nick the precise time of doing his business, by the Mediation of a false Trimming-Whig, who does nothing but Delude, and Bretray you; and his last Shift is, removing you out of his way into th' Country, and when he has found out something, he will send for you: And that will be when the Devil's Blind, who's Eyes are not sore yet,

Having spent all your Money, Wearied out your Self, and Worn out your Clothes, you procure a Friend to solicite for you, and at first sight the Whig Trimmer tells him; Sir, your friend is a mighty Good Man, pray tell him I don't forget him tho' he's absent. I have him here upon my Minutes, for the first business that falls; but [Page 104]you would do well however, to mind me now and then on't; for I have many things in my Head, you know, and now I cannot talk with you about it; but if you could stay a little here about, or come again a matter of an hour or two hence; or rather if it would stand with your convenience, let me see you upon Monday next, precisely at Twelve, then I may Chance to tell you more. Your friend replies I'le not fail your Hon­our at the very moment; but what hopes, says he, shall I give my friend in the mean time. My Lord, I beg this freedom from you; do you think 'twill do at Last? for a man had better Ten times be hang'd Once for All till he's Dead, than be star­ving in the Air the Lord knows how long, under the Anxiety of a lingring Suspen­sion; 'Tis some case to a Man yet, to know the worst of a thing, and to be at a cer­tainty, whether it be Off or On. This Plain Dealing of your Friend, Ruffles and Discomposes the little great man of Busi­ness; and he answers with some Emotion: I am extreamly press'd, you see: But I'le borrow half a Dozen words at any time from common Business, for the service of an honest man, and a friend; but to be plain with you, Sir, you are a little too Warm, and too Quick upon the Point. Beg­gars must not be Carvers: Affairs of this Nature must be brought about by Patience and Opportunity. 'Tis not for a man in his [Page 105]Circumstrnces, to talk of being off, or on; as who should say; if I may'nt have it when I would, I won't have it at all, 'Tis too Im­posing and peremptory, let me tell you: Your best way is to let matters and Humours work in their due season: Not but that all you have said to me is as safe, as if the words were in your own mouth again. This smart Common-Place Reprimand, puts your friend to'th' expence of two or three Low Bows and Cringes, and an Apology to smooth him, saying, my Lord, I dont direct, or expostulate, but my humble meaning, with Submission, is, that the frankness of the Dispatch doubles the favour. To conclude, in all this Trimming Whigs Promises, there is not one grain of Down right Integrity, but apparent marks of a deliberated Fraud, to put men upon the torture of Vexatious, expensive, endless and contemptuous Atten­dance, that the amus'd Multitude may reckon the number of their Slaves by the number of these Dependencies; and the world will never be better, till Generosity and sincere Honesty become more Fashionable. Offer him a Civility he scorns, he says, to be Brib'd; he is none of those that sell Pla­ces, and at the same time expects you shall Fee his Servants, and makes his own Secre­tary allow his Steward and Butler a Salary out of his Profits, towards the Payment of their Wages, besides Cramming his hungry Footmen, who are almost Famish'd for [Page 106]want of their promised Five Shillings a Week, to procure them Belly-Timber.

A Whiggish false pretending Friend

IS an Insect that under the Disguise of Friendship, and Kindness, will do you more mischief than the worst of your E­nemies. If you are in Prosperity, he'l flat­ter and undermine you; if in Adversity, he'l betray you, and creep out at your Sleeve when you think you have him safe in your Bosom. He's the meer Spirit of Deceit and Hypocrisy, a general Disperser of nauseous Scandal; that never speaks Well of any man behind his back, nor Ill of any man before his Face, and cares not tho' the Subject be his Father, his Brother, or the best Friend he has in the World, if he thinks it will not reach his Ear; for he has an equal kindness for all he names his friends, and would go fifty mile on Foot to see any of them hang'd. His for­mer Character was a mass of Treachery and Lying, under a veil of seeming Sanctity; but now he is grown as great a proficient at Swearing and Whoring, as the most de­bauch'd Bully at a Baudy house; and can no more Rise without a Wench, than go to Bed without a Bottle. He boasts much of his Company, and there's none so bad he will not keep, nor so Good he wo'nt pre­tend [Page 107]to. He swears he has been with my Lord such a One, and had three Quarts of Champain to his share; that he had much ado to get away, and is going to three other Lords about business of Impor­tance. Dissimulation is the Adjunct of his Quality. He always lies at Catch to insnare you, and there's no safer trusting him with a Secret than your Money, for no mortal ever knew a Sour Whig True to any man. He is all for getting Money, for that he knows will make the Pot Boil, tho' the Devil Piss i'th' fire. When he has nothing else to talk on, Religion and his Green Pew with Red Inckle, is the sub­ject: And treats it with as much con­tempt, as if Eikon Basilike was the Tubster. He has always a lying, sneering, ugly merry face when he is designing Mischief, and that gives him a Name in the Party, for a very honest fellow; and if these trea­cherous Moles that work under ground, were not as Blind as they are Busy, an honest man could not be safe in a Cell, with all the Honesty in the world about him. He is as Impudent as he is Troublesome, and like a Weezle runs squeaking from house to house, that no man can cat his Bread at quiet for him. In every thing he seeks his own Interest, and cares not if the whole Kingdom were in a Flame, if he can but roast his Eggs by it. He thinks no gain unsavory. All is Good that brings Profit. [Page 108]He serves God to get Money, and would serve the Devil for better Wages. Biting, Sharping, and Shamming, is his whole Employment, and 'tis so riveted in his Nature, that you may as well take him to pieces, as hope to Mend him. His Trea­chery is habitual, he is past Shame and Remedy, and he that throws away a Tester, and such a false Friend, looseth but Six­pence in the whole. And now having shew'd you the men, I shall (to keep their Favour) Oblige them with a Female to keep them Company, under the Name and Character of

A Precise Hypocritical Coquet.

WHo is one she knows not What if if you ask her, and consequently is neither Flesh, nor Fish, nor good Red Herring; but what you please to make her. She values her self for being neither in, nor out, of the fashion. She wears the best of Silks and Linen, that ever Pinns were put in; but dresses so Odly, that she spoils her Shape, and the make of her Face by screwing it into the Model of Noncon­formity. She reckons nothing so vicious as going to Church, and wearing Lace is a greater Sin in her esteem, than Fornica­tion, [Page 109]or Adultery. While she is Uncoupled and in Company, she's as Demure as a Saint; but take her alone, she's as game­som as a little Cat in a Corner, and will Tee-Hee at a Smutty Jest, and be as brisk and obliging as the Rankest Sinner. 'Tis true, she rails at the Beau's, as Un­regenerate Vermine, and a known Bully scares her as wickedly at the first Assault, as a Mad Ox docs the Women in a Market; but if he has the Wit to approach her Civily at first, after a little warm hand­ling, he soon raises a place to rest her hands upon; which her indulgent zealous Father suspecting, he salves up her Reputa­tion with the addition of another Hundred Yellows, and Tacks her to a Needy but Hope­ful Thriving Brother, which new Dyes her Honour and Chastity; and she's received into his Bed, as a pure Virgin Sacrifice. Being now a spick and span new Wife, she looks as Demurely, as if Almond But­ter would not Melt in her mouth, tho' Suffolk Cheese won't choke her. She is now so Innocent among her Neighbours, that she even Blushes to see her Own Hand naked, and has sunk her voice to so low a Key, that she can scarce hear her self; but er'e she had been married a Week, like a Larum-Clock, the whole house Rang of her. A Spot upon her new Gown rais'd a Tempest, and her Husband Rising in his own Defence before she was awake, made [Page 108] [...] [Page 109] [...] [Page 110]such a Thunder as Deafned all the family. Her Devotion at the Conventicle is in turn­ing up the Eggs of her Eyes to the Tub­sters, and turning down the Leaves of her Book, without regard to the Quotation. When the Holder-forth shews how Artifi­cially he can grunt out the business of Per­secution, she is full of sickly Qualms, tho' if the Executioner be but Man, she says no Martyr shall suffer with greater Reso­lution. She abounds with more Texts than a Concordance, and will not flap her Maid o're the Chaps, without a Scripture Authority; nor correct her Husband's Coxcomb, but by a choice President out of some of the Dissenter's Sayings. She ne­ver thinks a Sermon good, unless she ride five Mile to hear it, because it covers an Assignation upon the way, which is much more Edifying than the Lecture. She is much in love with the Quakers Silent Meetings, because it gives her time to Re­cruit, and she makes amends for't at Din­ner, and Prattles more than any at the Table against Sence, Antichrist, and her Husband, till a fat Gob of Mother Tripe and Mus­tard, puts her to Silence. When she has almost Dined, she complains of a Tender Conscience, the weakness of her Stemach, and her want of Appetite; and immedi­ately a piece of Tart that, by accident was bottom'd with a Leaf of the Apocripha, made her puke, and had certainly brought [Page 111]up all her Dinner, if a lusty Soke of Right Nans, had not qualified her Antipathy a­gainst Bell and the Dragon. She i [...] as full of Faith, as an Egg is full of Meat, but has no room for Charity, and understands no Good Works but those, which, when a Child, she wrought upon her Sampler, and spoils them too by often shewing them. She is a perfect Enemy to all Church Mu­sick but the Chimes, which kindly call her to four Meales a day, and refreshes her Spirits with the comfortable Melody of Wisdom, Hopkins, and Sternhold. She Rails at the Women of the World as Damn'd, for wearing Fringes on their Petticonts; and wears her own plain, that she may take them up with lesser trouble and Incon­venience. High Heads and Laced Shooes puts her into horrible exclamations; she calls them all Jezebels, Dalilahs, and Whores of Babylon that wear them; and accounts it as a Mark of Grace, that she can Do as well without them. She is no less Skill'd in Policies of Government, and is an earnest Contender for the Rights of Woman-kind, which she claims as her Due, and not as a Benevolence from the good Man's Preroga­tive. She opposes the Monarchy of a Hus­band, with the Undeterminable Privileges of a Wife, and maintains the Sovereignity of her Sex, by keeping the Keys of the Cash at her Legislature Girdle, and sup­plying her Husband's Necessities with a [Page 112] Bit and Knock, as she thinks convenient: And as she gives him with One hand, will be sure to take Something from him with the Other, that he may never grow to Big for her Management. Freedom of Speech she claims as her Birth-Right, be it never so Arrogant and Supercillious. Doing what she Lists, is her Liberty; a seperate main­tenance is her Property, and claims them by her Original Contract, for Better for Worse, and as agreeable to her Native Constitu­tion in quality of a Wife, Dutiful and Dominering. The Man that closes with her upon these Principles, of checking the Arbitrary Powers of Husbands, tho' a meer Rake, has won the Fort of her feigned Vertue; she surrenders upon Discretion, and will lye with him upon an Impulse of Conscience, to reclaim him from the vul­gar use of Whores, and Wicked Women. And now having gotten her Heart, the Devil on't is, he can't be Rid of the Rest of her body, but like a Rattle at a Dogs Tail, let him go where he will, she will follow him, till Impotency procures him a Release, or Incurable Claps bring him to a Death Bed Repentance.

A Covetous Griping Usurer and Extortioner.

IS the degenerated Issue of a cruel Jaylor, his Estate is in heavy Bonds, and legal iron Shackles, which he never knocks off, but at the price of the Debtor's ruin. He was like Hemp-seed, sown into the World in a shower of bitter Curses, went Nine times to the Devil before he shew'd his Head above Ground, and his Thriving empoverish'd all that grew near him. His God is his Gold, and he the Idolatrous Priest, that Sacrifices his Soul to his Profit. He is a Friend to none, for those he has most Interest in he Devours, and only dreads the day of Judgment should come before he has taken the For­feitures of his Bonds and Morgages, tho' he has Ten in the Hundred besides Procuration, and Continuance Money, at a Hundred in the Thousand. He puts his Money to the Un­natural Act of Generation, and his Scri­vener is the Supervisor Cock Baud to it. He assumes the name of Protestant, because 'tis the Cheapest Religion, of Dissenter for the sake of Contradiction, and forbears Whoring only for fear of the Charge of keeping Bastards. A Capitation Tax re­moves him to a New Lodging, and if he's [Page 114]found out, he swears himself off, and says will trust God with his Soul, rather than the Collectors with his Money. His Study is how to cheat the Prodigal, to cozen this Landed Neighbour, Defraud that Widdow, and Beggar those Orphans. Debts he owes none but shrew'd turns, and those he'l be sure to pay without Suing. He loves the Common-Law, but swears at the Sight of the Chancery-Court, and a Sub­paena would make him Hang himself, were it not to save the charge of a Haltar. He is (in some sort) worse than the Devil, he never Gives but sells his Days of Pay­ments, Bloods you by Degrees, till the Spirits of your Estates are insensibly ex­hausted, and then makes Dice of your Bones to play at Size-Ace with his Scrive­ner. He seldom lends Money but in a Forenoon, which secures him a Diner at the Tavern, where he'l drink freely, be­cause he knows you must pay the Reckon­ing; but at all other times Preaches up Temperance. He keeps a House would fa­mish a Cricket, and his Servants do not Live but starve with him. His Chimney is unacquainted with Fire, for fear of Mischances, and if he's a Cold, he gets himself Heat by removing an old Wood-Pile. He Allows his Servants no Candle, That they may break Glasses for want of Light, which they must doubly pay for in their Wages. His good Name always [Page 115] Dies before him, and to save the Expence of a Funeral for it, he suffers it to Rot and stink above ground; and when he falls Sick himself, he sends two or three Pawn-Brokers before him to the Devil for a Bribe, to use him more kindly when he shall fall into his Clutches; or in hopes he will be so busy about them, and a Rott of Stock-Jobbers, that he may be a while neglected.

A Wheedling Cheating Scrivener.

IS a Creature begot by a Pen, hatch'd in a Standish, nurs'd by a Sand-Box, and the Wing of an old Goose will set up half a Score of 'em. In his thread-bare Baies Gown and Furr'd Cap, he looks like the By-blow of a Country Attorney, from whom he differs as a Botcher from a Tay­lor, or the Yeoman of the Halter from the Hangman. His Eares are the Charac­ters of his Religion in Text-hand, and like Rotten Fruit hang so loosely on his Head, that the next Sessions-Wind will en­danger the blowing them off on a Pilory. With Relation to the Publick he is a ne­cessary Evil, for without him Men would become Honest Neighbours and good Friends, and then the body Politick would [Page 116]dissolve, being no longer compounded of Different Elements and Humors. Better Scholars there are many, but few greater Writers, and those that curse the Inven­tion of the Press for others sakes, may more justly curse the use of the Pen for his. I should guess his Trade was of great Antiquity, since I reade Indentures of Co­venants made with Adam, but that we know Adam had no Money, and the Sci­vener would not do it Gratis. Had Scri­veners been in the Antedeluvian World, the Deluge might have been spared, for Mankind would have destroyed one ano­ther, without any other help than theirs; and therefore we must not look upon them as part of the Creation, which was wholly good; But as a Surreptitious Race of Men, bred out of the Corruption of seve­ral Ages, or like some Africk Monsters, are the Amphibious Product of a Heterogeneous Copulation; or when Pawn Brokers, Tally-Men, and Stock-Jobbers, met together in different Humours, Interests and Contracts, this Jarring Conjunction begat Scriveners; who Viper like Devour their Parents, and gnaw their lively-hoods out of the Bowels of those they hang upon. Methinks they being so Resty that the severest Laws can't restrain 'em from doing Mischief, they should be banish'd all Well-Govern'd King­doms; or at least like Jews in Italy, wear a Red-Hot, or One Green Stocking for a [Page 117]mark of Distinction, that endanger'd Pas­sengers might avoid them; for where once they get in, they spread like St. An­thony's Fire, and destroy like the Plague. Had one of these kind of Scriveners been among the Israelites, there would have needed no other pretence to have driven them out of Egypt, themselves had been the greatest punishment, and Pharaoh would have fled, and not pursued them into the bottom of the Sea. A Generation of Men more insatiate then Hell, and those that pretend to fear or honour them, are but like Men making Court to their Hangman for a more favourable Execution.

Sometimes he plays the Baud, and Pro­stitutes the same Title to all comers, and if you Fee him soundly, will not stick at Morgaging the same Estate, to seven se­veral Lenders. Sometimes he Solders up a Crack'd Title, and passes it away for a pure Virgin. If it be weak, he will streng­then it by Forgery, and secure but his Ears, his Man and He will out swear the Devil. If you would make a safe Pur­chase, you must spend half the Value of it in Enquiries about the Title, and when he has secured half of it to himself, he tells you it is Unquestionable. Whereso­ever he finds a Flaw, it may be stopt with Mony from the Adverse Party; and if both Grease him in the Fist, he will deal equally between Man and Man, and [Page 118]make them alike Irrecoverably miserable, drawing the Conveyances on either side so weak, and yet so strong, that neither Par­ty shall have the Advantage; but both en­deavouring to Recover what each knows to be his Own, and he to be Neithers, they at last consume their Estates like a Snow-Ball with handling it, Spend double the Purchase Mony to secure the Land, and at length the Usurers to end the Strife, seizes on that which each of them have Mor­gaged, and neither of them can Redeem, and then part the Stakes, and Limn and Canton out a brave Estate like Alexanders Empire into Petty Lordships.

If he Trade in money, his Usurer and he answer one another like the Hunter and his Dog, or like the Counter part and the Original Ipdenture, and walk up and down, seeking whom they may Devour. First he does his utmost to make you Poor, that you may be forc'd to address your self to him for a Supply, which is the last Reme­dy, and indeed worse than the Disease. If you are necessitated to Borrow, he marches among your Neighbours, smells after your Reputation, Enquires into your Estate, and Ruins your Good name to gain you Credit. He is vigilant in main­taing Old Customs, especially that of Ten in the Hundred, and what you abate the Usurer you must pay to the Scrivener, or go without the Sum desired.

If his Usurer and He start a young Heir, this Blood-Hound is laid upon the Scent, pursues the Game, and ne're gives o're the Chase till he has given him a Mortal Gripe, and then like the Lion and Jackel they divide the Prey; the Usurer gnaws off the the Flesh, and the Scrivener Picks the Bones. To strike the greater Terror into the Landed Novice, he seats himself in all his Formalities, his Furrrd Cap and Gown, his Pen in one Ear, (if both are not off for Forgery,) in the midst of abundance of VVritings, which contain the Cases of so many Ruin'd persons. A Sight worse than the Gallows, and shews the Youngling what he must come to. Composing his coun­tenance after the City cut, seriously Grave, Dreadfully Rediculous, and most Majestical Simple; after a tedious Harangue, like a Dog making a circle before he lies down, he sets forth the great misfortune of many Young Gentleman, in falling into the hands of Knavish Scriveners, where he reads him his own Doom in the third Person, whilst he is shewing him his Happiness in Light­ing upon him, who is desirous of nothing but his Goods. At last he falls upon what he has most mind to, his Estate, and bids him deal truly and plainly with him, that he may do him right; which the Youngster performs very Simply and honest­ly, and lays open his Breast, that this Vul­ture with more ease may Prey upon his [Page 120]Liver. Having thus gently wrack'd him into a Confession, the Scrivener draws up a Sentence miscall'd a Bond or Conveyance, and makes him sign and seal the Warrant of his own Execution, and then by Law Condemns and Executes him.

This unmerciful Thief, like Death, spares no Body; he robbs the very Beggars, and will pick a Courtier's Pocket tho' he knows 'tis the King's Money. He stretches the Law and Justice upon the Wrack, and for an hours failure siezes upon the Forfeiture. He prays for Non-performance of the Con­dition, that he may take the Advantage of the Penalty, and so far exceed the cruelty of that cursed Jew, that he will not on­ly have the Flesh, but the Blood also. When you have incurr'd a Forfeiture, he tells you the strickness of the Law; and to be free from the Usurer, you must compound with the Scrivener, and almost pay the Penalty to be quit of trouble. All the Comfort you have left, is, that when he has bound you ne're so fast, for Money he'l Release you; teach you how to e­vade the Articles he himself composed, and ne're refuses to prove himself a Knave, when ever he can gild the Epithet.

Thus he plays fast and loose, breaths hot and cold, and the same Devil that binds the Charms, unties 'em also. 'Tis a pret­ty sight to see them running about the Exchange, smelling at the Merchants, just [Page 121]like a Dog fawning upon some, and Snar­ling at others. He is one Misery after the very last, the Cause of your Ruine, and the Effect too. When all other Miseries have destroy'd you, he follows as a Re­serve, and after Execution will Quarter you; nay, such is your Plague, that when all the World has shaken you off, Lice and Scriveners will stick to you when you are Beggar'd. That you may go to Heaven the lighter, he disburthens you of your Earth, your Estate, and then perswades you out of Despair to Dye, having parted with all the World, and nothing left you to forsake but your Body. For a good Fee he will oblige a Friend, and leave the in­tended Heir so disputable, that the decea­sed Testator may as soon interpret his own Mind, as the Lawyer; inserting such E­quivocal Terms, as may be any Man's Will more than his that sent for our Scri­vener to make it. He begins a Will ve­ry piously, and gives your Soul to God Al­mighty with abundance of Complement, and of your worldly Goods he will not fail to give himself a good share, and then turns you over to the Divine, before whom he has commonly the Honour to be preferr'd: And there leaves you like a Christmass Box, expecting no more from you till you are broke into pieces.

The Reverse, or the Charcter of a True Englishman, in Quality of a States-man.

AS a States-man he is well Learned and Descended, a Branch of a Re­putable and Loyal Family, and a true Pa­triot of his Country. One that loves and serves God for Goodness sake, and Ho­nours the King as God's Representative on Earth, a Monarch that Governs England Uprightly, and preferrs the Glory of God, and the Good of the People, above any ac­cession to his own Glory. As a Counsel­lor he suggests nothing to the King that may look like Oppression, or by favour­ing any Sinister Faction, would make his Majesty appear as the Head of a Party, rather than the King and Father of All his People, who should neither know nor make any Distincton of his Subjects, but by their Vertuous or Vicious Practices, and Encourages or disapprove of them accor­dingly. He is as tender of the Kings Pre­rogative, as of his own Life, Estate, or Honour: Is no less Zealous for the Legal Liberty and Rights of the People, and carries so just and Equal a hand, between Sovereignity and Subjection, as creates a [Page 123]Mutual Love, and an Intire Affection, without Clashing, or Incroaching upon the Dignity of the Monarch, or the Birth-Rights of English-men. He Studies for the Honour of his Country, to make the King Great, and Rich, and his Subjects the Wealthiest and best Natur'd People in the Worl'd; as the surest Defence against Forreign and Domestick Enemies. Our States-man's Religion, is Read in the Ia­nocency of his Life, the Exactness of his Morals, the Integrity and Truth of his Words, and the Justice and Honesty of his Conversation. Bigottry, and Screw­ing up Forms of Worship beyond the Bounds of Moderation, is his Utter Aver­sion; yet is he Zealous for good Order, and Decency, and shews an Equal Love and kindness to all Good Men, that Dissent out of Conscience, and not Humor from him. To Factions and Parties in the State, he is a Profess'd Enemy, as knowing Unanimity and Concord, is the Dur­able Cement of Societies. He Recom­mends no Man to the King for an Em­ployment, but upon the account of his Merits, and being Regularly qualified for the discharge of his Office, without which, the nearest Alliance and Tyes of Nature cannot Byass him. He is a Stran­ger to the little Tricks, and Artifices of sel­fish Courtiers, and will either oblige a Can­didate Heartily, or tell him Freely and [Page 124] Speedily he either will not, or cannot do it, without keeping him in a Dilatory and Ex­pensive Attendance to his Ruin. In brief he is the King's Faithful Counsellor; the honest Man's Friend, the Poor and Op­pressed Man's Advocate and Support; and the Shame and Scourge of the Double-minded and Griping Courtier. He is well read in the Policy of Nations, and by his Preven­tional Prudence, Countermines Plots and Conspiraces. He knows all the Maxims in Governments, but the Laws of the Land are his Rule, and promotes none but those that agree with them, and are Safe, and Honest. His chiefest Study is the common Good, and is less concern'd for his own Interest, than that of all Man­kind.

A Private Subject.

IS one that Quietly and Constantly moves in his own Sphere, without Intermed­ling in Nice and Secret Matters of State, that are out of his Reach, and Inconsistent wit his Duty. That Heartily obeys the King in all his Commands, that do not Thwart the Laws of Nature, or his Country: That Honours, Loves and Defends the King's Person, Crown and Dignity, and [Page 125]Chearfully contributes to the support of his Grandeur and Government: That makes his Private concerns stoop to the Publick Good, and sustains those Losses with Pati­ence, that he suffers for the common In­terest. He is one that can distinguish be­twixt Slavish Fear, and Religious Obedi­ence: Betwixt the Interest and Cause of a whole Nation, and the Clamours and Dis­contents of a Litigious and Incorrigible Faction. A Man that will be True to his King, without being False to his God, or Treacherous to his Country, and to con­clude, is One that (like the Poets Dyal) always stands True, tho' the Sun of Re­ward or Favour never Shines upon him.

A Clergy-man.

IS a Holy-man in his Conversation, and gains Souls to God, as well by the Integrity of his Life as the Purity of his Doctrine. He is Universally Learn'd, See's with his own Eyes, and is able to Discern Truth from Error by Understanding the Originals: While others are imposed upon for want of those Lights, which a Gene­rous Education and hard Study has Hap­pily Bless'd him with. His Religion is the Ground of his Loyalty, and the Rule [Page 126]he prescribes to others. His Companions are his Books, his Appartment his Study; and unless upon the Discharge of his Office, in Relieving the Poor, visiting the Sich, or Reconciling Differences among his Neighbours, he is seldom to be found out of it. His Recreations are doing Good Works, and shews the steadfastness of his Faith, by making the Holy Scriptures the Rule of his Life, and in Practising what he Preaches. He Reads before he Writes, Writes before he ascends the Pulpit, and leaves nothing to a scan­dalous extempory Invention. He performs the Offices of the Church with a decent Gravity, and by his own Example Awes his Congregation into a praying Profes­sing, or hearing Posture, and puts them in mind of what they are doing. His Sermons are adapted to the Capacity of his Auditors, and he makes it his Busi­ness to Instruct, and not to Amuse or Please them. He knows sound Do­ctrin in decent Expressions, without Ex­ercises of Wit is the Business of a Prea­cher, and that his Learning is better seen in the substance of his Matter, than in Elegant Harangues. He is a Stranger to all manner of Affectation either in his Words or Gesture, and commands At­tention only by the seriousness of his Discourses, which are all ways confin'd to what we ought to Believe or Practice, [Page 127]without Wandring into unnecessary Dis­putes, or impertinent Digressions. If Pro­vidence raises him to be a Governor in the Church, he is so much the more Humbler, the higher he is Exalted; for he sees his Work and Account to be grea­ter, and requires the Exercise of his grea­test care and Industry to discharge it Up­rightly. His Authority in his Diocess does not make him forget that the Inferior Clergy are his Brethren, and he treats them accordingly: And the augmenta­tion to his Estate, reminds him that he is only a Trustee for the Poor, and must be given to Hospitality. If any under his Jurisdiction offends, and by repeating his Crimes after a Fatherly Admonition, he is constrain'd to punish his Contumacy, it is done with so much Meekness, as shews him necessitated to it by the Rules of Justice, and not his own Inclination to Severity; and therefore upon his sin­cere Reformation receives him again into his Bosom. If he has only a Competency in a single Cure, without any other addi­tional Preferments. he lives peaceably a­mong his Neighbours, contentedly in his Family, discharges his Duty conscienti­ously, and Dies much Lamented.

An Upright Lawyer.

IS a Man truly Learn'd in the Laws of the Land, and squares his Life by the Rules of Equity and Justice: That can­not be Bribed to Act unjustly, or betray his Clyent for filthy Lucre: That preferrs the Goodness of a Cause before the Great­ness of his Fee, and perswades his Clyent to desist, as soon as he perceives his Cause is Unjust or Litigious. A Pauper in the Right, is more Welcome to him than a Lord in the Wrong Box, and treats him as Humanly as the Richest Clyent. He espou­ses his Cause, Dwells upon the point of Right, and no Frowns, or the Interposi­tion of a more Beneficial Cause, can make him give it over, till the Law has done the Poor-man Right, and deliver'd him from vexatious Delays, and the Tyranny of a Litigious and Purse-proud Adversa­ry. He is the poor Man's Patron, the Widow's Protector, the common Friend, and Father of distressed Orphans, and the Honour of his Profession. He troubles not the Court, nor wasts their time with impertinent Address; but insists only up­on what is material, and in that has the Ear of the Court, and the Satisfaction of [Page 129]his own Conscience. He is zealous for the Prerogatives of the Crown, and with equal Freedom and Courage Asserts the Liberty of the People, and in both the Law is the Standard. In the Church he behaves himself agreably to his Cha­racter, and the Integrity and Justice of his Life, Proclaims him Orthodox, and sincere in his Religion. In short, he is a faithful Friend, a kind and loving Neigh­bour; Hospitable to the Rich, Charitable to the Poor, and Beneficial to all Men: Whose personal Merits, and the King's Favour, will e're long promote him to the Honour of a Judge, to the Satisfaction of whole Nation.

A Learned Physician.

IS a true Friend, a careful Assistant of Nature, and from her Indigitations, Collects a Method for his Practice. By a regular course in his University Studies, he is able to converse with the Arabian, Graecian, and Latin Physicians, his dilli­gent enquiry into the Nature and Ope­rations of Plants and Minerals, and his Anatomical Speculations into Human Bo­dies, has methodically accomplish'd him for the Practice of Physick, and his Degree [Page 130]of Doctor, is a Testimonial of his Suffici­ency. He knows the value of Life, the Greatness of his Trust, and his Care is e­qual to the Account, he must give to God for the Death of every Patient. Physick has been too long accounted the Mother of no less monstrous a Birth than that of Atheism, and the Adage is in every ones mouth, Ubi tre [...] Medici, duo Athui, where there are Three Physicians, there are two A­theists; and because some Pops that wart a Name, are fond of that Ill one, our Phy­sician by a serious religious Life, and the Exercise of Vertue, endeavours to wipe off that Scandal from the Profession, and proves from every Leaf, Herb and Flower, and the stupendious Scite of Man's compo­tion, that the Knowledge of Physick, and Ignorance of the Existence of a Deity, is wholly impossible, since beyond all other men they have undeniable Proofs of it. ‘Praesentemque refert quaelibet Herba Deum.’ and the deeper they search into the won­ders of Nature, the more will they be ob­liged to confess and say, This is the Lords doing. He knows he has to do with Ra­tional Creatures, and lives in an Age not to be imposed upon by Authoritative pre­scriptions, or Opinionated Nestrums, and therefore proposes the Satisfaction of mens Reasons by the Rationality of his Method, [Page 131]before he attempts the Care of their Dis­cases. He does not always follow the common Tract, but varies his Prescriptions accoridng to the different Constitutions of his Partients, and follows the Dictates of Nature, in all her symptomatical disco­veries of Despair or Amendments. He despiseth the common Cheat, and dan­gerous Practice of administring Physick upon the sight of a Urinal; but will See the Patient, tho' he is sure to have scarce Thanks for his Visits, and is as careful of the Poor as the Rich, tho' at the Ex­pence of maintaining them with Food, while he is giving of them Physick. If he is invited to a Consult, he delivers his Judgment freely, and will not suffer his Reason to be blinded by a Nominal Au­thority; Solid Reason is his Rule, and a well establish'd Experience, both enlight­tens his Judgment, and satisfies his Con­science. Above all things he abhors trick­ing Men out of their Lives; to try the O­peration of a Chimerical Medicine, nor Flatters Mons hopes against evident Symp­tomes of an imposibility of recovering; but gives every Patient, early notice of his Dissolution, that before he leaves this World, he may be prepared for a Better.

A true English Country Gentleman.

IS the Stack upon which our Nobility is grafted, the Tree from which Sciens are gather'd to be inocculated into the most Illustrious Families; there are none of them but owe their Originals and Bearing to the Ancient Gentry of Eng­land, and many of them are still more ancient Families, than those that have ac­quired additional Titles. The Gentry of England are the Treasury of the Nation, the Support of the Crown, the Safaty of the Kingdom, the Walls of the Church, the Pil­lars of the State, the Honour of the Bench, the Credit of the Barr, the Hero's of the Camp, the Learning of the Court, the Pa­triots of their Country, and the Main­tainers of Honour, Arts, and Arms. In his Country Mansion House, he lives like a Petty Prince, and his own Deweans furnish his Table plentifully, with Fewl, Flesh, and Fish, and his Orchard and Gar­den with Flowers, Herbs and Delicious Fruits; of which few Men have more, no Man can have better. He is not plagu'd with a Nursery of Beggers call'd Footmen; does not keep an Hospital for Curres and Kites, nor a Seraglio of Wheres, which [Page 133]Sluce the Blood and Brains out. He does not daily Muster a Regiment of Sharkes, Fools, and Knaves, at his Table, which Surfeit on his Folly, and empty his Celler with the Gluttons Prayer, God Bless the Founder; but keeps a constant Table for his Friends and Family, and unexpected Visitors can never surprise him. His kind­ness to his Friends, or Civility to Stran­gers, does never Interrupt his Devotions, and those that Sit with him at his Table, must kneel with him in his Chappel; his Recreations are generous and Manly, and he uses them for his Divertisement and his Health, but his Study is his Business. His Servants Thrive, his Tennants grow Rich, and the Poor in his Parish are employ'd, and well provided for. He Administers Justice with an equal hand: Honest Men Love him, and none but ill Men Fear him; he is careful in the discharge of his Rela­tive Duties, and is a stranger to the foolish and Fashionable Vices of the Age, which consume the Bodies and Estates of all that pursue them. He neither sells nor Mortgages his Old Land, to build a New House, but resolves to leave them toge­thor as he found them: He delights in the Country Air, and Innocent Diversion, Spends his Rovenue in Hospitality among his Neighbours, and has no business in London unless his Country send him thi­ther [Page 134]as a Member of Parliament, and as soon as the Session is over, he returns to enjoy himself and his Friends in the Country.