AFter my hearty Commendations, &c. These are to acquaint you, that I received yours, with the Merits of the Cause enclosed, which I should have made no words of, but kept it as private as if you had trusted me with some occult Quality; had not your prodigious Ingenuity dar'd me to some kind of Reply, by taking the same Liberty with your Friend and Servant, that they do in France; where they say, He that is cast in any Cause, is permitted to Rail at his Iudges for ten days after. For although you profess to make the ve­ry same Answer to the Serious and Ar­gumentative part of my Book, that Vlysses in the Metamorphosis, does for his Running away from his Friend Nestor, that is, just none at all; deferring your further thoughts thereof, I suppose, till [Page 2] Doomsday in the Afternoon, as the Are [...] ­pagites used to put off their difficult Case [...], Ad diem Logisimum: ('tis Mr. Chilling­worth's Note, Sir, though I doubt not but you can find it somewhere in Lycosthenos) Yet, you have taken wonderful pains to pick out some small Passages thereof, to make your self and others Merry, and expose the poor Authour; who, if you say true, had sav'd you that Labour, having made himself Ridiculous enough to your hand. Let every man abound in his own sense; but the best on't is, your word begins to be no slander; and I meet with some few grown so Stout, that they will no longer take all you say, for either Truth, or Wit, unless you can shew it Confirm'd by some Act of Parliament, or procure the Kings Broad-Seal at least, ad Corroborand [...]m. For in the ordinary way of managing Controversies, Tradu­cing and Railing at an Adversary (like the Stoick in Luciah, who call'd his Op­ponent, [...], &c. Deadly hard Names, Sir, when he had nothing else to say) Nibbling at his Phrases, raising a Mist about plain Sense; Chopping and Changing, Adding or Omit­ting, [Page 3] Mi [...]quoting, or Wr [...]esting his Words and Meaning, and making Conclusions of his o [...]n from his Premises, crying out up­on Euclid and Non-sence, Bulls and Bears, all along; and such like, have ever been accounted little Pedantick Artifices, poor unmanly Refuges, and as shrewd Signs, as piteous Props of a bad Cause. Now, Sir, although I am not at leisure to give you a compleat Rowland, for your Oliver, and shew how infinitely guilty you are in this kind, throughout [...]your whole Packet of Letters: Nor yet I care not much if I throw away a sheet or two of Paper in Animadverting lightly upon those two. You designed chiefly to Aim at me, not that I intend to make my self to cheap as to Rally up, and Retort all and singular the Impertinencies thereof; but only to Call in at some of the most considerable places in my way, and thereby give the World some Hints and short Items of your Innocent Stile, Incomparable Mo­desty, Copious Inventions, Accute Judg­ment, but above all, your Singular knack of Drollery. Nor have I set my self so Giant-like a Task, as you may imagine, for, you know, he that comes off fairly [Page 4] at the great Olympicks, never fears any lesser Stage, or more ignoble Adventure, that is (to Treat you in your own Lan­guage for once and away) having already Vindicated the Clergy in general, I shall much more easily acquit my self in par­ticular from all your puny Cavils.

The first Honour you are pleas'd to do me in your Letter to R. L. is your com­paring me to a Whiffler at my Lord Mayors Shew: A Monstrous happy phancy indeed, if you came honestly by it, and did not deal with Sydrophel, or some other Cun­ning man for the finding it out! Now, Sir, though I can put on any Vizor to serve you, yet I must needs mind you of Lucians [...], that only pat and proper Similes (not such as will equally fit any He that wears a Head big enough to pay Pole-Money) are to go for Wit it by his Standard. For do you think would be any great charge or trouble to me, to Dress you like my Lord Mayors Horse, or his Wifses Monkey; to compare you to Esops Crow, a Thief in a Mill, a Dog in a Bath, or a Dog in a Doublet, and make you like any thing between York and London? But I disclaim [Page 5] all such sneaking Comparions, as having no Sting in their Tails; I have odds e­nough of you besides, and shall ever think me at the better end of the Staff, so long as you continue only like your self.

In the next place I find my self much oblig'd to you for the choice Library you have assign'd me, Wits Commonwealth, Spencers Similitudes, &c. But that phan­cy, Sir, begins to grow stale; and be­sides, I wonder you left your own learned Works out of the Catalogue, for I'le as­sure you I make more use of them to quit scores with you, than of all the Books in St. Pauls Church-yard. However, me­thinks you are vilely out in your Politicks here again: I have read in Lucian (ano­ther of my Authours, Sir, which you quite forgot) of a certain Addle-headed Historian, who having begun his Work with a solemn Invocation of the M [...]ses, that they would inspire him migh [...]ly, made it his great business not so much to tell the truth, as to praise and flatter his Emperour. To be shot, Sir; when [...] had Drawn up his Men, and given the Ene­my Battel, and Routed them Horse and [Page 6] Foot (for indeed it was done to his hand) to shew how well he was vers'd in Homer, he falls a comparing his own Prince to Achilles, and the Persian King (who fell that day by his hands) to Thersites for Pureness, as if it had not been more for his honour to have killed Hector, or some such Valiant and Princely Hero, than the despicable Thersites. The Application, Sir, is easie, and it goes thus: If it had not been more for your Credit to have Conquered, or to have been Baffled by a considerable Adversary, and well provi­ded, than such a silly Creature as you have described, and so ill Arm'd too, I never saw the like on't.

But above all things, Sir, I must desire you for the future, to have a great care of a Mouse-Trap, especially if it be Bait­ed with a bit of Greek; 'tis not good Nib­bling too far where there may be Danger in the Case. For although it seems to be your Hogen Mogen design in this Epistle, to take me to Task for my Greek, yet I am affraid you were better to have kept within your own Element, your beloved English Exercises still, than have ventured out to so little purpose.

[Page 7]Your charging me with mistaking the Sense, or the Authour, or both in those two pieces of Greek, is so Imposing, that, were that very Grandame alive that Taught you this kind of Confidence (as your self somewhere tells us) I believe she would scarce save you from a Whip­ping.

The [...]st is an end of one of those golden Verses (so highly prised anciently be the Sect of the Mumm [...]rs) wherein you make me construe [...] Virtue, and [...] [...]o­verty. If you make me, Sir, I can't help it, but upon consulting my Copy I find no such matter; pray Sir, next time, when your hand is in, make me render [...] the Great Turk, and [...] the Pope, and upon my word I will not take it half so hainously. But, to give you as much Rope as you can in reason expect, let it be as you will have it; let the one signifie Virtue, but not as it is opposed to Vice, Sir, (that's your mistake) but to Infirmi­ty, and implies only a Faculty or Power of doing a thing; and the other Poverty, Fate, hard Fate, Necessi­ty, or what you please, Sanders de Oblig. consc. in prae [...]at. provided it signifie some­thing [Page 8] that doth either occasionally or ne­cessarily Excite, Quicken, and Enforce the Faculty or Power aforesaid, and I am content. I could shew you several Au­thours that use the words to this effect, but that they are Old ones, whose Autho­rity you don't use to value. Howeeer the World may be in your debt for your New-found exposition of this place; I shall hold to my Old one still, viz. That, whether we attribute a man's condition of Life to Fate with the Stoicks, to For­tune with the Epicureans, or to Providence with all sober Christians (the Text will bear these and many more Senses) Ne­cessity is and ever will be a reasonable Spur to Action, it will make us do our utmost, and more then we thought to be in our power: I must forgive my Trespassing Friend for once, else I shall lose him for ever; and so in other like Cases. Hiero­cles (who knew that Authour's mind bet­ter than you did mine, Sir) is much of the same Opinion; [...] &c. The ancient Sages of Greece were wont to draw up the Sum and Heads of their Prin­ciples in certain Schemes, Tables, or Trees, [Page 9] (as they phancied) for the benefit of their Pupills, and in the Pythagorean Scheme Power dwelt hard by (as I think at the very next door to) Necessity, to imitate what I told you before. Now whereas you take Fate and Necessity to be one and the same, (because Curteous to shun that unruly word Necessitati, translates the place for his Verse sake fato vicina pote [...]t as) yet what if they should prove it to be sometimes two things? For instance, Sir: your Fates may dec [...]ee what they please, and my poor Scholar (for whom all this stir and criticizing is) be never the wiser; but he is so well acquainted with his own circumsta [...]ces, that he easily per­ceives a manifest Necessity he should study, (without consulting the Almanack of Fate) if ever he intend to be a wise, lear­ned, rich, or great man, knowing that this same poor [...], can almost do Mira­cles: and so much for that.

As for my other Greek remnant, it seems, I am out in my Author, and then no wonder I mistake his meaning too. But who is the Tyger now, Sir? can't a man cite a Comment for the Text without all this noise, as if Hannibal were at the [Page 10] Gates, or Apprentices in an uproar? It were neither Felony nor Man-slaughter, however you dispatch your Hue and Cry so fast after me. But what if you should reckon without your Host, Sir? What if the Text have not taken new Lodgings lately, but is to be found still where I left it l [...]st, in plodding Aristotle's own House? when you go that way next, pra [...] call at the fourth Book of his Physicks, chap. 19. 128. and you will either meet with that or one very like it, i. e. [...]. Examine him accurately, take out your Compasses for sureness, set one foot at the Text, the other on the Comment, and see where you find those words, but be sure you don't confess your errour: indeed I was amaz'd to see you quote the very Chapter, and then que­stion your faculties as far as to deny a pal­pable matter of fact, till I understood you trusted a scurv [...] Lexicon, and that de­ceived you. I hope you will consult the Original hereafter, for let Budaeus or Sca­pula say what they please, the Text is here, and shall be here, when [...]ome Mush­rome Authors with their novel whimseys shall be hissed off the Stage, and turn'd out of doors.

[Page 11]And now, one would think, I were as likely to guess at the old Man's sense here, as you who stand convicted you never read him; and yet we must needs have a cast of your Office, a set Lecture upon it, as if you were instructing your Boyes. It's no great news to me, Sir, that he should treat of Natural Philosophy in his Phy­sicks, how strange soever it seems to you that one of his Principles or Maximes there should be applyed to something else with due Analogie. Bishop Sanderson finding the Civil Bo­dy somewhat like the Natu­ral, De O [...]ligat. C [...]nsc. prael. 9. cites this noble Text out of Aristotle (not Them [...]stius) and to ac­commodate it to his purpose clothes it with a Translation almost as Magnificent as mine, but 'tis in Latine, Sir: pray mark it; Omnis mutatio (praesertim si aut subi­ta [...]it aut magna) periculosa est [...] compare them, Sir, and you will find little diffe­rence, save onely that he treats of the Greater, I of the Lesser Body: Both a­gree in this, that the changing of Funda­mental (not to say Foundation) Laws in either, is of dangerous consequence.

[Page 12]You see I have luckily found a very good Author to vouch both my mistakes, and I am content to erre with him rather than correct Originals with you.

The Greek Professors place, Sir, is al­ready disposed of, else I had not been so free with you; lest peradventure you might have put in for it. But if you will be rul'd by me, or expect I should lay on your head, I should rather turn you loose to any ordinary man, nay to a Gentleman (provided he be a very En­glish one) in another Language I could name, than this unlucky, barbarous, hea­thenish, Antich [...]istian Greek.

Thus much Sir, and no more shall I say of your Letter to R. L. [...]lthough you should hire me to it, and give me your Hand or Bond to forfeit Sword and Belt if ever you drew upon a piece of inno­cent Greek again.

In your Express directed to Me there's a great Cry indeed, but scarce Wooll e­nough to make a Jack an Ape a pair of Breeches; a huge crop of Straw for so little Kernel, that 'twill hardly pay the tasker, and quit cost for threshing; and though you have rigged it out in a gorge­ous [Page 13] dress, (I mean, bound it up with the rest in Turkey Leather and gilt leaves) and worded it as if▪ you were some Great Mogul amongst the Learned; yet upon examination I find it as very a cheat as one of those Old Egyptian Temples, fa­mous for outward Splendour and Mag­nificence, whilst the God within was e [...] ­ther an Ape, a [...]torke, a Goat, or a Cat. For can you imagine you have much out­done Cleopatra's Pug in this rare Adven­ture, when he quite forgot his business of Dancing, and fell to the Apples and Nuts thrown before him? Or do you think all the World so mad as to be fond of one Man's humour, who is under an imprudent Vow of never being Serious? Man is a visible Animal, I grant, so long as he rides in a Terrestrial Vehicle, as a Friend of yours hath noted; but it does not thence follow that he must be alwaies laughing, (more then a Horse is Neigh­ing) how white soever his Teeth may be. The Spania [...]ds have a Prove [...]b, that a Mule will be a Mule o [...]ce a day at least: but certainly it becomes not so able a Rationallist accomplisht with choice use­ful Learning to be all day long at Push [...]pin, or Sp [...]n-counter.

[Page 14]Now, Sir, if your Constitution be not faulty and full of Quick-silver, that you can scarce be fix'd if you should die for't; if it be not Natural to you to talk as Idly, as one Elevated in a high Fever; I'le try what I can do upon you by Cha­stising your Errours, and giving you a lit­tle good Advice, and that not in the Grave Catonian way, but with some mix­ture of Levity to keep you awake for the better Operation, not doubting but you will be careful of a due Regimen, and ap­ply every thing to the affected Part.

The first mistake I shall note in your Lette [...], is an easie one, only a Steeple for a Church; but you might as well have said, I thought it impossible for any Eng­lish Zany to have a Ringing in his Head because there are no Bells in Turkey. Alas, Sir, I was so far from venturing you so much above ground, or tempting you to skip off a Steeple for my sake, that I have made it a great part of my business all along to keep you as far off the Church as may be. For albeit you are like Arch-Bishop Abbot himself in one thing, i. e. in being neither Parson, Vicar, nor Cu­rate all your life; yet you are not thereby [Page 15] qualified to be a Regulator amongst us now, so much as Iohn Calvin was in his time, who offer'd his Assistance in our Re­formation, but judicious Cranmer knew the man and refus'd him. [...] little more Study and Experience will [...]ssure you, that Quinctilian's saying is true, though it be Latine, Soli artifii [...]s de artibus judicare debent: The Cobler may laugh at all men in his own Trade, but he is no more a competent Judge of Iewels, or Pearls, than a Blind man can be of Colours, al­though you should carry the Sun in your Arms before him. (There's another Tran­slation for you, bevause you like them so well.) Granting our Church windows are or may be shattered here and there by late storms, yet what does that con­cern you, who are in [...] Legal Capacity, not so much as that of a Glasier, or Church-warden, to see them repaired? Besides, I wonder you that pretend to Trade so much in Stars, and Telescopes, could not foresee the necessary Effect such a Train of Causes must produce. For what less could the Dutch War, and your little Book, and another call'd the Expe­dient, or any one of them portend, then [Page 16] an Indulgence to all manner o [...] Non-con­formists. [...] you inten [...]ed no hurt, or did not think what would come on't; as much as to say, there's no such thing as Common Prud [...]nce, nor any other way to [...] the Morality of our Acti­ons (in th [...] Cartesian Ethicks) but by their end. I say again, and I think I speak it loud enough to be heard all England o­ver; you have Disparag'd and Abus'd our Reverend Clergy de facto, most Egregiously; who if they be so Ignorant as you make them, 'tis pity but the Breed of Adoniram should be Unmuzled again, to Teach them to Study harder, and Preach better. I could tell you the very Day and Year ('twas much about the time, the King came in) when a little Spark kindled a great Bonfire; thus o [...]e of your pitiful false Principles may occasion a thousand [...]ll Conv [...]ni [...]ncies, according to the st [...]tely Heroick, Magnarum usque adeo sordent primo dia rerum.

Another small mistake of yours is, your R [...]pe [...]tition of a great part of my Book (and that more unfaithfully than I should have expected from any Scot) and then Brandishing your Pen over it, [Page 17] and Bragging, it deserves no better An­swer. A very compendious and effectu­al way to Confute Turk and Pope, and Iack of Cumberland to boot! The spightful World, Sir, willnot be so civil as to suffer you or me to be Judges in our own cause; and however we think very goodly of our own Brats, yet they may possibly (if there be no Byass in the case) have a dif­ferent Notion of them, especially in a Summer morning when the Sun is got out of Aries. 'Tis you have taught me so much modesty (I shall for ever own it) as to think, that I can not only maintain every Tittle I have said there, but even a bad Cause upon occasion against you, and two or three more such triffling Pri­vateers. But I am not bound to main­tain the Wise Reaso [...]iugs, and pleasant Consequences you so ingenuously and plentifully Father upon me— Male dum recitas incipit esse tuum; They are all your own, Sir, by a better Title than the Mad­man had to his Smyrna Fleet. I remem­ber one Copie of the Vulgar Translation corruptly reads Evertit domum, for Ever­rit; and makes the poor Woman not Sweep▪ but throws down the House to [Page 18] find he [...] lost Groat. Now if one single Letter creates so great alteration in the case (quoth Ployden) what rare work for a Tinker may a man make, that takes your liberty of changing whole Words, Sen­tences, and Sides? What an easie matter it is to put a man upon the Rack, and make him con [...]ess what you would have him? To render Sermons, or Books, or Nihil est quin male narrando possit deprava­rier. Terent. any thing Ridiculous, by Interlining, making false Comments upon them, by Reading them backwards, or beginning them at the wrong end? I would not for Two Pence Half Penny you had been a Scri­vener, or Lawyers Clerk, lest peradven­ture some of the la [...]ty had then smarted for't, and been as Poor as you have made the Clergy. But you must not dream, Sir, I have so little to do, as to fall a Re­peating after you, to set all right and straight again, as I le [...]t it; yet this I'll promise you, that if you please to send me a Page of the best Sense that ever you was Master of, I will only carry on this little Metaphor of yours, and if I don't return it you as Senseless and Impertinent [Page 19] Stuff (by the next Post) as ever you met with, I'le be your Bondman, and give you all the Causes and Effects too, that that you and I shall deal in for ever. In the mean time, I must desire you once more to be ashamed of this easie piece of Foolery, and (if you have no better Friends about you) to Learn a little Inge­nuity of Achilles his Horse in Homer, or Mycillus's Cock in Lucian; for although the one Repeated a number of Verses, the other a great deal of Prose, yet nei­ther abused the Authour, or made him speak other than his own Sense.

I shall not disturb the Ashes of Old Ferdinando so far, as to guess at the true reason why you would not Reply to my Book; but why you would not let it a­lone neither; why you must needs shew your Teeth when you could not Bite, and neither hold me fast, nor let me go, is such a Riddle, that I dedie any man that under­stands Trap to resolve it.

You tell me indeed, that I Iump in some Passages with W. S. and that you had Answered him half a year before. And is it not a strange thing that two several Men living perhaps above an Hundred [Page 20] Miles distant, should speak sometimes to the same effect, though Treating of the very same Subject? Nay, is it not stran­ger then that any man in his right Wits should deny, that you have Answer­ed the said W. S. Back-stroke and Fores­stroke, fully and throughly, and killing­ly too? For my part, I meddle with no bodies Principles, or Province, but my own; yet, since you are so good at An­swering, pray answer me one Question: Did you ever hear of St. Dunstan? But— did you ever see a little Book called the Method of Preaching, Printed about Fif­ty years ago, the Authour whereof writes himself T. V. as you do T. B? They say he and you jump in your Notions, that there you had your story of the Weepers, (though you have added two of your own to his Six, and made it consist of Eight parts) and to mention no more, your Preface from Adam, from his beginning of the World, which some Ancient Historians will have to be much about the same time. In some things indeed you seem to differ, for He was a Divine, you say you are none; He pretends to Instruct young Preachers serionsly, whilst you Laugh and [Page 21] Droll upon the very Old ones. Now I am not so vain, as from this and such like In­stances to Indict you for a Plagiary, but only to let you know, that when ever you speak Sense or Truth, somebody else hath done it before you, so that you cannot claim the whole Credit thereof, more than of your late happy Intention of English Exercises.

Nor do I stumble upon them again, Sir, out of a mere malicious design of moving your cholerick Particles, but only because I am now passing on to consider your sin­gular Antipathy to a piece of Greek, or Latine; for you proclaim open War, and profess you hate it like a Viper or Toad; as if the little Vermine struck so fiercely, that he left his Sting behind him. Now, Sir, were I disposed to Mischief, what a fair Advantage have you given me to pelt you with, [...], and an hundred such Scraps, every whit as signi­ficant as those soft Compellations of yours, my Duck, my Dear, &c. and then Tack about, with a— Tendimus in Latiam, and give you a Broad-side there too? But that were a Cowardly Triumph, and I hate to use any true Eng­lish [Page 22] man so Barbarously. Nor will I re­new the Question once put to a Dog­matical Philosophist, after he had made a tedeous Harangue to Disparage and Vili­fie the Tongues, why he did not cut out his own? But rather Argue the Busi [...]ess calmly and seriously with you. I hope, Sir, you don't think there lies any Moral Turpitude lurking under the Skirts of those hateful Languages, or, that they are ab­solutely and point blanck against the Law of the Land: Our Statutes for English Manufactures, and the Encouragement of Trade, were never intended to bolt out Learning and Latine sure, as Forein Com­modities. I confess, I love the Smoak of my own Country as well as you, or any of them that were lately Press'd for his Majesties Service abroad; but I would not willingly be such a meer English Ma­chine, as not to be able to Write a piece of Latine to borrow Money (upon oc­casion) or to teach a Thief his Neck­verse. But yet you must not hence in­fer, I'm one that reverence Gr. and L. purely out of Honour to Rome and A­thens; alas, Sir, I never saw either of them in all my Travels, yet I have met with [Page 23] diverse Dead men that have been there, and say, they were very Fine Places. And truly when I find more Flesh, and so­lid Food in one of their Scraps (as you term them) than in twenty whole Pages of some late English Scriblers, I can't but stand amaz'd to hear such a dismal outcry against them. There was Learning in the World, Sir, above fourty years ago, nay before that doubty Grammarian Palaemon's time, albeit he boasted, it was born and would also die with Him. And though it be the mode of late amongst some pedling Pilferers to rend an ancient Authors sense, concealing his Name and Language both, out of a superstitious fear of disobliging Monsieur Multitude, their Patron; yet I don't find my self at leisure to admire them in this, more than their other Affections of Singularity. For let them Phancy and Swagger what they please to the contrary, so long as there is a Scholar alive, so long as it is not death to use any other Language besides our Na­tive English, there will be a laudable use of Greek and Latine Authours, and that in their own Dialect; their Brevity, Clear­ness, and Elegance, being not to be ex­pre [...]s'd [Page 24] something by the most exact Tran­slations. Besides, Sir, the constant pra­ctice of our best English Writers is so much against your private Humour, that I must either conclude them a company of Fools, or continue my Respects to those Ancient Languages, you would ex­plode, or at least beat down their Price. I presume you may have seen or heard of Iewel, Laud, White, Mountague, Field, Hooker, Chillingworth, Iackson, Taylor, Bramhal, Hall, Hammond, Sanderson, Thorndike, and an hundred more I could name, besides Mr. Hobs, all English Au­thors, (and many of them still alive) and yet very full of Vipers and Toads, nay Crocodils and Basilisks too, if these be your new Names for forein Quotations. I would gladly be civil to you, but I can­not find in my heart to call such Learned Worthies triffling Piqueroons, and abo­minable Scrap-Monkers, meerly because a Dose of Latine makes you Maw-sick, and a Dram of Greek quite turns your Stomach. Believe it, I can never hu­mour you so far, as to think e're the worse of their learned Labours, because you Startle and Flinch as much at the [Page 25] naming an Old Author on the other side of the Water, as some men do at the sight of a Cat, Cheese, or Tansey. If your Stomach be so Ni [...]e and Squeamish, they were to blame that did not put you to some other Trade; for there is no possi­bility of avoiding a piece of Latine or Greek now and then in our Profession. It runs in our Heads, and will be Vented sometimes if it be but to ease the Brain, or communicate our Thoughts more ex­peditely, and con [...]irm our Sentiments to be Old and approved. Did you ever wonder to hear your Barber to commend a Modish well- [...]rizled Bush of the last Edition, or your Taylor find a fault in a Garment made by some other hand? Did you never hear Merchants talk of the Streights, Smyrna, Legorn, the Indies, &c. or of ensuring a Ship for fear of Storms, or Pi [...]ats? Is it any false Heral­dry for Souldiers to discourse of Enemies, Fighting, Guns, and Garr [...]sons? Law­yers, of Westminster-Hall, and the As­ [...]izes, Causes, and Cliants? Physicians of Diureticks, and Sudorificks, Emeticks, Catharticks, Broad-pieces, and Guinnies? Nay, does not every Mechannick wire­draw [Page 26] the Discourse into his own Trade, and tell you presently what Art he profes­seth, because he understands and can rea­son of that, though of nothing else? It is as natural, Sir, for those that deal in Books to discover, upon occasion, where their Acquaintance lies, and with whom they mostly Converse, and sometimes to Cite the Author's own words, either for fear of wronging him, or [...]or their own pleasure, or for many other reasons which I shall not trouble you with, because (as I re­member) your self have done it more than once in your Incomparable pretty witty Dialogue, and I will do so too when I think fit without asking your Leave,

There is indeed, and ever will be, an Abuse of this, as well as all other things, so long as all men have not the same quan­tity of Brains, the same stock of Judge­ment and Prudentials. There will be those that Cite Authors in the way of Pe­dantry, Affectation, and most elaborate Impertinence, without any regard to those useful Circumstances of Time, Place, or Company; and if they can but shoot a Pellet or two of Latine now and [Page 27] then (though no more to the purpose then Eggs and Moonshine) they'l Huff and Strut with as much Scorn and State­liness, as the One-ey'd man is said to do amongst them that are stark Blind. Nay, should they fall into your own dear com­pany, and knew before-hand how much you hate Latine, and that you had writ­ten a Book against it, they would be at you notwithstanding, and give you a Spe­cimen of their parts; they would stick to you like Birdlime, and word you to death if you let the [...] alone, and did but seem to manage the Laugh on their side. I'm sure I have been tormented with them in my time, and that you might not be surpriz'd, but know what to trust to, I'le borrow your leave to tell you a true Sto­ry of this Nature, which I have very fresh in my Memory; and so much the rather, because the Person concern'd therein is so Arrogant, as to pretend he hath some footing in your Friendship, that so you may know and avoid him.

To supply my want of Company upon the Road, not many Moneths since, my friendly Host brought me in a small Re­tainer to the Muses, whom he had before [Page 28] recommended for a pleasant Companion, and the great Scholar of the Town. I had no sooner bidden him Welcome in ho­nest down-right English, but he accosts me thus: You know, Sir, Est natura ho­mi [...]um novitatis avida; Pray, What news in the South? Oh, Sir, quoth I, (little caring for taking Post to Rome that night) How do you know I understand Latine? Vultus index mentis, replies he; by that I guess you belong to one of our two Tops of Parnassus, C. or O according to that of the Poet, Nec in bicipiti somniasse Par­nasso m [...]mini. Nay, then (thought I) if you are so great a Statesman and Scholar too, I'le [...] [...]it you with News according­ly. You hear, I suppose, Sir, that Hurst Castle is lately Ma [...]ned out against the Dutch; and that another small Frigot of 50000 Guns will shortly be Lanch'd up­on Salisbury Plain, against the next Cam­paigne. Not a word on't before (said he) Bona fide; but I remember my old Ac­quaintance Horace speaks of such an one; O Navis referent in mare te novi fluctus?— Which was no sooner out of his mouth, but (espying a Picture of King Iames in the Room) he falls to Admiring and Re­peating [Page 29] Owens witty Distick, (as he call'd it)

That might pass for Poetry (quoth I) in those days, but it will scarcely get a man Preferment in this Kings Reign. I know it full well (cries he) for Carolus will not stand in the Verse: and then, to find a new Topiek, he askt me if it was not hot Travelling, onely to bring in

At which I told him he seem'd to be a great Traveller, and talk'd of strange Places where I had never been. But he answer'd me with a modest smile in the Negative, and that▪ Bene qui latu [...]t b [...]ne vixit, was his beloved Motto; but ye [...] withal that he had Read of one Vlysses, who was a great Traveller, and always went on foot. Why think you so, said I? 'Tis very clear in Homer upon my word, [Page 30] said he,— [...], you meet with often. Quoth I, Are you very sure that was the man? At which he crav'd my pardon, saying, It was lapsus Linguae, a [...]d that he meant that other Heroick, [...]. Whereupon I could not but gratifie him so far as to observe how well he was Read in all sorts of Poets; but he confess'd in­genuously he was only a Smattereer and a Well-wisher, and that [...]e had not Read above 30 or 40 of the best of them, which he had at his fingers ends, and that he was almost Ravisht with such a stately thump­ing Verse as that of Musaeus, ‘ [...].’ Having no more of that Poem about him, and fearing I should catch Cold (as I pre­sume) he ask'd me, whether Business or Pleasure drew me into those Parts? Thought I, he has me as sure in this Di­lemma as Louse in Pontesract: But I'le avoid him if I can, by answering, Nei­ther. And yet that would not do, for he (not doubting I would have said Pleasure) fastens on that, like a true Echo, and [Page 31] tells me Virgil commends it for a rart thing; and where should it be but in tha passage? ‘—Voluptatem commendat [...]arior usus.’ By this time I was grown so surly as to mind him from whence he had digre [...]sed (that he was not so solicitous of News as he [...]eem'd to be at first) for I was so vain as to think to put him out of his Road. But alas, his Stock being not yet at an end, he replied nimbly upon me; Oh yes, Sir, with your pardon, In nova fert ani­mus —is a Book I have almost by heart: Please you to hear the story of the Giants, and of the Golden Age, Ducali­on and Pyrrha, Pyramus and This be, or any other betwixt this and Iamque opus exegi—Bless me, think I, what will now become of me? I shall be Metamor­phos'd presently into a Stone, Tree, Bird, Beast, or I know not what. And there­fore finding no way but one to avoid it, and not desiring to die that Death of all others, I wns forc'd to cry English to B [...]d, and tell him, It begins to grow late, Sir, and I shall rather chuse to sleep upon what [Page 32] I am already indebted to you for. And thus, when he had spent the remainder of his Ammunition; and poured in a volley of Small-shot upon me for a parting blow, — Nox ingruit atra—Fefsos so­por irrigat artus—Per amica silentia lunae; and about twenty of the same, which for brevities sake I omit. He took his solemn leave of me, adding, I am yours, Sir, Dum juga montis aper, fluvios dum piscis amabit, and so on till he came to the long-look'd for and best bit of La­tine he had reserv'd for the last, Vale, Valeto.

Now, Sir, I have as little Kindness for such a Coxcombe's Impertinence as you or any man Living: It suits no more with my Humour than Oyl or Caveere does with my Palate, though as a Diver­sion I can for once, and so must you some­times, endure it. But would you have me like Greek or Latine ever the worse, be­cause some men are mad? Is there no way to enforce Temperance, but to cut down the Vines presently? Must I chop my Horse's Legs off for fear he should kick me as I get up? Neither ought you to argue against the use of the most Excel­lent [Page 33] things from their Abuse. To bring the Business between us to a short Issue, the Question is, Whether you or I be guilty of the Abuse aforesaid? I answer positively, that— Facit Indignatio— on the outside of my Book was an idle, heavy, Insig [...]i [...]icant, Senseless Shred, that did neither fit me, nor bite you; where­as your Sylvestrem tenui—was a most Select, Quaint, and Nipping Motto, a Revenge indeed worthy of an Italian! Oh, it gall'd me to the quick! And they may say what they will, but the Stab of a Ponyard or Stilletto, is nothing to the mortal Thrust of a dreadful, fierce, sharp qoyson-pointed Sylvestrem tenui— Pray, Sir, let me Rise, don't Kill me out­right; and I'le promise you never to re­turn the Wounds I received at your hand by that Dagger like Sentence; but (if I can agree with my Stars) shall onely live as a [...]ame Trophic of your Generosity: And now I think you are pleas'd!

But to proceed, Sir, ( [...]or I begin to be as weary of your Company, as I was of the Gentleman's above) if my conjecture fail'd me about T. B. and R. L. that they were Vtopian Names, who can help it? [Page 34] This I am assured of, that when I thought I had cut off two Heads at a Blow (you know the Story of the Hydra, Sir) there sprung up a third, one I. E. a bold Lad, who lays claim to all that ever you have written. Agree amongst your selves, Gentlemen, who is the right and undoubt­ed Author; I meddle with none of you all but my old Acquaintance T. B. and have enough to do to be at a certainty with him, by reason of his Shifts and Dis­guises, which are as many almost as Pro­teus the Prince of Rope-Dancers was said to have; for he makes nothing to Skip into Devonshire, nay, step to Peru, Iapan, Barbadoes, and I know not whether, at a minutes warning to fetch Metaphors; so that I know not where to have him long.

But pray good Mr. T. B. is the Family of the R. L's. very ancient, much beyond Henry the VIII. They that derive it from Radamanthus Lemithrobarzanes the Baby­lonian Conjurer, produce not sufficient Authority to vouch their opinion, and make me believe it. You say indeed they are a large and spreading Family; but I have some reason to think I can remember the rise of them, though I confess they are [Page 35] very near related (by the Mother's side) to another Family somewhat elder, whose parts lie North and South, who are against all old Fashions and Usages; insom [...]h that they oft-times wear Helmets [...] their Legs, and Boots on their Heads. Let them enjoy their own humor, and spread, as fast as they please, provided they be subject to the Kings Laws, and disturb not the peace of their Neighbours, and I'll ask no more, nor trouble my head about them. But whereas you tell me that no true Gentile English Spirit would have guess'd as I did; when you make it out you was gentile. in hussing our Clergy in general, and every particular Member that comes in your way, I will warrant every word and syllable I have said of you and your Family, to be not onely Gentile, but Right Honourable.

As for the many small Games and petit Catches you abound with, I shall onely say Mum to them all; and if you please to imploy some body else to pick the feathers off your Querpo, I will inquire a little into the great De­sign of your Letter, which is to magnifie your own way of talking (or Wit as you [Page 36] call it) and vilifie all others, and then bid you good night. Not that I would be thought to set up for a Wit, of all the Trad [...] in Town; but because I find my self bound by the Laws of Errantry (like some Palph or Sancho) to follow my Lea­der into any, even the most Magnificently foolish Adventures. Standers by may possibly see more than Gamesters without Spectacles: and now my hand is in, I will be so hardy as to descant a little upon your very Master-piece; and if you be taken tardy here too, I must request you also to burn your Common Place Book, or quit the Pit.

In the first place, Sir, though you would seem to be highly incensed against a Quib­ble, yet I perceive you know not what it is, because you call conceits of the first and second Rate by that diminutive name. For according to the best Authors that have written on this Subject, a Quibble is nothing else but a Gingling and Chi­ming of Consonant words; and this (I [Page 37] must tell you) is no less then a Figure in Rhetorick call'd Paronomasia, saving your presence. But Bishop Sanders (in the very S [...]r. 1. ad Aulam. Sermon you Cite) main­tains this kind of Speeches to be Elegancies, and flowers of Elocution, when they are used sparingly, without Affectation, and only as Sawce to our Meat. You might there have espied Ten or Twelve several places in the Bible where this Figure occurres, whereof the good Advice of St. Paul is one, (if you please to take it, and not Play with it) [...] —to mention no more. From whence that right Learned Prelate takes occasion to Chastise those idle inconsiderate Persons, who Scoff at the like Elegancies in Ser­mons and other Discourses, concluding utterly against you, viz. That 'tis only Affectation in this, as in every other thing, that makes it tedeous or ridiculous. But those Levities of mine you so judiciously call Quibbles, belong Sir to another Figure in Rhetorick y [...]l [...]ped Homonymia, when the words are Ambiguous, and [Page 38] ( Ianus like) look two ways at least. And what ever you say or opine to the contrary; these, Sir, will be not only Lawful, but Useful and Elegant, and have a Sting in them when you and I are dead. Vossius was never Laugh'd at before for saying, Hermolaus nomine non re Barba­rus; nor Heylin for Baiting the Pope's Bulls, and telling us of one Iohn Selden, whose Name needs no Titles of Honour, (do you see, Sir, how bold he makes with the Title of a Book purely for the Phancies sake?) Nor T [...]lly for his— Ex agro Falerno depellantur Anseres, the same word unluckily signifying both a Man and a Goose. I could for a need throw you an hundred more into the Bargain, but (as I told you before) they must be used sparingly. Now, Sir, would you have us blot out two several Figures in Rheto­rick meerly to please you? Must we get an Act of Parliament in all haste against latter especially, which no▪ Language in Europe can live without? Even your own English is utterly ruin'd if you take it a­way; all your Proverbs, Tropes, Meta­phors, and other Elegancies, signifying no more than Chip in Pottage without their [Page 39] Allusions or Ambiguities. And may not I take the same liberty of Speech that all the World has done before me, for fear of angring you? But I'm confident, what e're you say, you don't really think such kind of Allusions ridiculous, if you do, you left your Memory (surely) in your other Breeches, when you went last to the Press. Pray, Sir, present my Ser­vices to R. L. and ask what's the first Let­ter of that Gentleman's name, who styl [...]s his Grace Guardian of Humane Nature, and says May and Can are of the same Mood and Tense, and talks of pure terse (Good-man he would have said Terce) hum [...]ne Nature newly drawn out of the Clouds? Who plays most Childishly with the Reverend B. O. [...] for saying the Writes like one Puffed up; as if he meant, that he was Fat and Bloated, when he is so­berly attempting to Cure the Tympany i [...] his Mind? Who tells me I am as utterl [...] undone as ever was Oyster, and that his Ca [...] was not free to be Roasted? The same Fi­gure all along to a Cows Thu [...]b. These I only return you, Sir, to let the World see that however you hate these little things, yet you can't forbear them more [Page 40] than others; although by your quarrel­ling at them other-whiles, you start a new Figure in Rhetorick called Autocatacrisis, or Self-contradiction. You complain in­deed I now and then speak as some others have done before me, and that the Hu­mour is not my own; as if you were for none but New Phancies, new Stories, new Proverbs, new Old-saying [...], all spick and span New. But if this be a Fault, you have no reason to call it so of any man living. For did you make those Forms of Speeches so frequent w [...]th you?— Dun­stable Stuff—Catching old Birds with Chaff—From Top to Toe—Tumble down Dick—Courage Cakes—The Story of the Oyster—Hogs to Rumford—Nov [...]rint Vniversi—Sink or Swim—The Whore of Babylon—A Phancie of his Worships— and Nineteen more I will not trouble my Head to remember? Did you spin them all out of your own Brain? Alas, Sir, they are not only Trite and Common, but of as long standing as that of the Boy that made the Knife; many of them are as Old as ever was Paul's or, if that be yet too young, as Old as Spilmans Trial, Mr. Eaton's Goose, or that of Iohn Hall the [Page 41] Capper; you know where I am. Nay, had I nothing else to do, I could Trace some of the most tolerable Humours in all your Works, and shew the very Page and Line in Don Lucian, and the other Don, where you had them, albeit you put them off for New (as your Philautus does his borrowed Notions) and own not those Old Gentlemen's kindness for fear of spoiling your Markets. But for you to charge me with your own guilt, Quis tu­lerit Gracchos?—For my part, I love to speak in the Language of other men some­times, and do declare, I suspect all things that have nothing but pure Terce novelty to Vouch them; of which kind I observe two or three things in your way of Wit, which (pardon my boldness) I must needs acquaint you with.

As first; Your Metaphors are oft so far fetcht, that 'tis worth no mans while to go along with you; they are against all Rules of Aristotle's Rhetorick, whom I name not to crack my Whip o're you, but out of pure Honour to that incompa­rable Tractate, and to recommend it to your perusal. Questionless you find some profound Similitude (though I cannot) in [Page 42] those wide Rovings,— Pidgeons and Post­script, — Logick and Wheel-barrow,—Greek Diveling,—A Net for the Moon,—A new Fashion'd Sugar plumb, i. e. a Diamond, West­minster-Hall in his Trowzes,—So many Bushels of Logick (to be even with my Bushels of Atoms)—Sucking of Eyes like raw Eggs, with diverse Monstrous ones in your Story of The People in the South (which I shall be with by and by) look­ing no better in my opinion, than a Saddle upon a Sow. These, Sir, are very New, and all your own, and so let them be for me: the next Age perhaps may find out the Wit of them, but you must not ex­pect they will pass so currantly in this.

Another thing I must tell you of, is, your Trivial, Low, and sometimes Scur­rilous and Dirty Language, as if you did not wash your Hands before you went to your Book. As if it were a certain sign of Ingenious Education, to talk of Ol [...] Folks Slaver—Putting ones Head in [...] Pipkin—Not worth the Smoak of a La­dle —Curds and Apple Sauce—Broil' [...] Herrings, or a Burnt Fraize—Mora [...] Rules enough to stop a hollow Tooth—Phi­losophy and Languages, Six pence a Bu­shel [Page 43] —New Oysters uew—A Pot and a Cake—In spight of your Teeth—Hang your self—Rogue—Rascal—Villain— Son of a Bitch—Prate thy whole Gut full, &c. Oh the sublime Raptures, prodigi­ous Phancies, cleanly Comparisons, melt­ing Strains, ravishing Style, and select Phrases of a Judge-Wit, who pretends to give Law to all others that would be Merry and Trifling! This kind of Way might go for Drollery at Billingsgate in­deed, but I suppose you don't expect ma­ny of the Learned should be [...] in love with it; whether you reckon them according to the Iulian or Gregorian Accompt. I confess I am neither able nor willing to en­gage you in it, perhaps the unmannerly Presbyter you wot of, may, if he lay not down the Cudgels, because he thinks him­self more then your Match; however (if all fail) I'le bring you an ordinary Por­ter, or take the first Water-man off the Thames) provided he be not Lineally de­scended from Iohn Taylor) and he shall play a Prize with you at any time in this Dialect, for a Pot and a Cake, or so; but it is so New to me that I dare not meddle with it, especially when you are within a Mile of an Oak.

[Page 44]One thing more, Sir, for the Credit of the Family I must not omit, that is, your jumbling several Languages together for a very jejune phancy, (a thing you deride in others) and Coining your pretty thoughts into new words, as if you had a Patent to Regulate the King's English: Such as Packishness, Doomester, Vindica­tioner, Vengeably, Vn-Iachin, Vn-Boaz, Carawimple, Eggifie, &c. and then vam­ping and [...]eking others, as Spiritual-ship, Heliogabalus-ship, Bibber-ship, Do-as-you-would-be-done-by-ship, and many more ships, as if you intended to set out a fourth Squadron against the Dutch. This is also new to me, and if it please any, it must be those that understand the Covent Lan­guage better than I do. I remember Lu­cian brings Lexiphanes (one troubl'd with the same distemper) to the Physician; who, when he had given him a strong Vomit, and made him throw up a pas [...] full of Bombast-exotick words, the man re­cover'd presently, and spoke like other men: but you may do as yon please, Sir▪ Onely this you must take from me, that new words are to be minted without Ne­cessity; and many of yours are as muc [...] [Page 45] against all Rules of Art, as Sir Thoma [...] Moore's Vtopia, though some of the Criticks are fallen quite out with Him for that single attempt.

By this time I know you are got to your Logick, and making Consequences like mad; That I am one of those that admire the very dust of Antiquity, and do Re­verence even to mouldy Bread, or a rotten Post; and am such a profess'd Enemy to Novelty, that I have forsworn wearing new Shoos, Hats, or Cloaths; that I be­ [...]ieve Antiquity doth priviledge any Er­ [...]our, and Novelty prejudice Truth. Alas! Sir, I can laugh as heartily as any man at those Arcadians, who boasted they had Monuments and Histories to show of seven and fourty thousand years, because they knew none could disprove them. I am not quite so Superstitious as Vibius Rufus in the Story, who having named Tully's Widow, and purchas'd Caesar's Chair conceiv'd himself in a fair way to gain the Eloquence of the on [...], and the Power of the other. Thus Nean­thus (in Lucian) brib'd Apollo's Priest to sell him Orpheus's Harp, but instead of making Stones, Trees, and Beasts dance [Page 46] after him, he, (by his uncouth scraping) onely invited all the Dogs in Town to fa [...] a barking at him. And another (he tell [...] us) bought Epictetus his Lamp for thre [...] hundred pence, supposing if he studied [...] the night by that, he should presently [...] like that admirable Old Man. I have very good respect for Plau­tus, Plaut. in Am­phit. but yet I don't ap­prove of his bringing in o [...] swearing by Hercules before Hercul [...] was born. I like St. Austine well [...] ­nough, but have not such a Reverence [...] his Person as that flatte [...] ­ing Iesuit, Maldon. in Io [...] an. c. 6. who will tak [...] his private Opinion for in­fallibly true, though he bring neith [...] Scripture, reason, nor any other Author [...]ty to confirm and warrant it. I love D [...]mosthenes, but not meerly because he had stammering in his Speech. I approve of many things in the Talmud Doctors, but don [...] believe (as they would have me) that [...] onely reason why the Elephant was [...] placed in the Sea, was this, because [...] would not hold him and the Whale both else belike, we must have gone a Fishi [...] for Elephants too. I can freely [...] [Page 47] Plato and Aristotle, and the best of them all in their Follies and Dotages. I ho­nour the Memory of the Ancients for the great discoveries they have made in Arts and Sciences indeed, but yet you must give me leave to smile with you when I find some of their Notions, Prin­ciples and D [...]ductions as cold as Plato's Laws, or Chrysippus his Sylogismes, as Lucian merrily phraseth it. Again Sir, to prevent you on the other side, I am not utterly against all News, but for it against the World, provided it be good and true. I believe there are such peo­ple as the Antipodes, though I had been counted a Heretick for it not many Cen­turies since. Posterity hath as much right to truth as their Predecessours, and none but a man that is craz'd will deny Philosophy to be capable of daily improve­ments, partly by removing Old mistakes, and partly by advancing later Observa­tions unknown to former Ages. I think it not generous to cry up the Old or the New, or enslave my self to any person or party for their own sake, but let Aca­demick or Peripatetick, Stoick or Epicu­r [...]an, or the latest Author you have [Page 48] (though smelling still of the Press) dis­cover some useful truth, and I shall not boggle to be­lieve and make it my own. Quod veram est meum est, sive Epicuri, sive alio­rum. Sen. I profess, Sir, I am not a­gainst the Circulation of the Blood, nor the Inventions of Printing and Gunpowder, no nor Tarts made of Harveys; nor against any of those mechanical Experiments made by our own ingenious Country-men or Foreiners in this and the last Age for the benefit of the publick; I could heartily write a Pa­negy [...]ick in their Commendation, were. I worthy of that honour. No, Sir, my Blood ferments and Stomach rises onely at a pa [...]cel of Apish Politico-Philosophists, who are ever Disputing whether Cam­bridge or Oxford be the Elder Sister, and vying Pantaloon Pates against Spade-Beards; who cry up Notions for new and their own, that are not such, but old e­nough, though furbish'd up and put into another Dress; or if they be, they never can be useful further then to light Tobac­co; who put off their Hats when ever they hear the Admirable Des Cartes his Name mention'd, and choose to go bare­oot (as King Iames told Dr. Reynolds) [Page 49] because they wore Hose and Shoos in time of Popery; who trouble all Companies with their Principles, Ends, Atomes, Va­cuums, Matter, Particles, Globuli, &c. though all this while they scarce know what those Tearms mean; and t [...]ink themselves more Demonstrative then other men, because they can in a clear day, by the help of a Quadrant, wire-draw the Sun through a little hole, and make him tell what's a Clock; and if the Night be not cloudy, discover spots in the Moon; be­cause they can at any time, be it day or night, evidence to sense that two and three make five, and onely with Rule and Compasses shew us some little difference between a Circle and a Quadrangle. These are the New-nothings that admire one another, and write themselves the very Miracles of the Age, because they have Courage enough to trample upon & insult over a dead Lion, to rail at all old Wit, old Learning, old Religion, and make new Experiments in Divinity too; as if no man spoke a word of sense, that could not talk Deiformities and Incubations, Sensa­tions and Superfetations, Caresses of Hea­ven, treats of the Spirit, and the Opacous apartments of Satan. I shall not trouble [Page 50] the World with the numerous instances of this nature now, but onely gratifie you with a certain English definition of Ink, because it suits so exactly with your Za­cut us his Latine one of a Spoon, and to show that men may be ridiculous and af­fected in any Language as well as Latine. ‘Ink (says my Author) is a Solution of Vitriol precipitated, or made Opacous by the addition of Gauls, whose stiptici­ty makes the Diaphaneous Texture of the Particles in the Vitrioline Solution de­sert their former posture, and muster in a confused opacous manner, filling those interstic [...]s with solid Particles, which be­fore were kept transparent by the fluid parts of the water equally contempered.’ Ha, Ha, He! Now Sir let us take the common Notion of Ink that every Shop-keeper hath, (viz. an Infusion of so much Vitriol and Gauls in so much water) out of his formidable Definition, and then tell me what remains but a heap of elaborate and cross-grain'd Words e­nough to choak a Ho [...]se, and affright an ordinary man out of his Wits. No way to the Old way, I say still, and when I have reform'd your Intellect of one thing more, [Page 51] you may possibly be of the same mind, and that is this; that you are very much out, if you think your New Modes of Wit, Learning, and Language, are of your own Devising and Inventing: They are all Borrowed and Old, Sir, and I will prove it (ex abundanti) that the Fa­mily of the Novelty-Mongers themselves is no late, but a very ancient Family. Indeed I cannot find who was the Head thereof (that perhaps is as obscure as the Head of the Nile) or say possitively whe­ther it beg [...]n before or since the Flood; but I can assure you it flourish'd long be­fore your time, and that's enough f [...]r my purpose. If you please to turn to Luc­an's Icaro-Menippus, you will there mee [...]t with the very Men I am describing, or their undoubted Ancesters at least: For they are raising a Dust about Atoms too, fighting with Ideas, scrambling for Glo­buli, and mawling each other with Mat­ter and Motion and such like Notions, as now (forsooth) would fain go for New again. And the old Fox stands by and jears them, for such as knew not how many Miles from Megara t [...] Athens, and yet would tell you the space between Sun and [Page 52] Moon to an Inch, the height of the Air, depth of the Sea▪ and circumference of the Earth: That the Sun was a candent Mass or Stone, the Moon inhabited, and the thirsty Stars drink water, which the Sun (that old Tankard-Bearer) fetcheth up daily from the Sea. And in another place (his Rhet. Praec.) he seems a little inclinable to my opinion: ‘For he points at two ways of Wit and Eloquence there, the one Craggy, Steep, and Tedeous, requ [...]ring a great deal of Sweat and Oyl, many Examples, much Exercise (mean­ing the Old way of Demosthenes, and o­ther famous Greeks) but tells his Scholar this is now quite out of Date, & therefore (in a pleasant Ironie) he recommends the other New compendious way to him, that will make him a great Orator before Sun-set. He bids him get into the Mo­dish habit, learn to be Confident and Cla­morous, and call things by affected Names, as a Poet, a Versificator, a Shife, an Agonism, &c. and furnish himself with a stock of fine Words, and canting Phrases, to give a haut goust to his Dis­course, and then he may set up for him­self, and be soon esteemed not the Ex­cellent [Page 53] and Incomparable only, but the very Son of Iupiter and Leda, and mount presently into Plato's winged Chariot, not to discourse of the Father of all Be­ings, as he did, but to Admire and Mag­nifie his own Great Self.’ Oh Lucian, Lucian! wer't thou now alive, thou wouldst find nothing but the Old Plays Acted o're again, and (because the Scenes are a little alter'd) cry'd up for as New as a Gazette at Athens. Thus I hope, Sir, I have made my word good, and that you will pretend no more to Novelties; for you see there is no New thing under the Sun (as we speak here below;) what there may be in the World in the Moon I can­not tell, nor am I at leisure to go to see.

But, dear Sir, Why so angry at my Story of the Covent, for that is New (now I think on't) if any thing be? I'm sorry 'twas uneasie to some mens Humour, but (as you say) I meant ve [...]y innocently, and did not intend to render any man ridiculous. I thought it might have deserv'd your par­don at least, because the Scene was laid in Greece, far e [...]ough from your Quarters, and besides I had compounded with my [Page 54] Readers beforehand not to believe it, a Complement you should have made too in your Church-Romance. You see how apt men are to credit Forgeries, how they love to be Cheated whether you and I will or no; and therefore if we have got that fatal Itch of Scribling, we must learn to deal altogether in Truth, else we shall but expose our selves to the cruel Mercy of envious Con-temporaries, and Self-conceited Posterity. I have always lov'd to live Privately, and you may do so too (you say you would) where you please, and how you can; but if you appear up­on the Publick Stage as a Satyrist in Prose, or have a mind to Ride like the old Co­medians and Rail in Meeter out of a Waine, you must expect to be found out, unless you can agree with your Goldsmith and purchase Gyges his Ring, whereby to walk Incognito.

But pray, Sir▪ What did you mean to fall a Commenting and Projecting upon a Fiction (you say) of my own Inventing? Was it to make it better or worse? Had it not been more prudent in you to have let it pass, and said nothing, than to lay about you with so much Pains and Passion, [Page 55] only to tell the World you keep a Cat? The Creature is indeed somewhat more Ration­al than ordinary, and not much better Fed then Taught; for she argues lustily for her self, and holds to the fundamental princi­ple of Self-preservation tooth and nail; but she is civil and meddles not with me, so that I can freely grant all she saith. But let me tell the Cats Master, that a very good Carter with six able Horses would be hard set to draw one pardonable Phancy out of all his Catter-wawling Dialogue, and unadvised Comment upon my Text. One thing indeed you demur upon as some­what more material, which I shall vouch­safe to answer. You observe well that I did not say peremptorily what sort of Cu­bit I meant, when I was upon the Business of the Beards: For there are (say you) Five several received sorts of Cubits, some longer, some shorter, as you very occurately reckon them upon your fingers now to put you out of all doubt, and clear your Head from such kind of sc [...]uples for ever, you must understand me, Sir, of none of all those Five, but of a Sixth sort, which I call the Covent Cubit; and what that is any ma [...] may guess, that considers how much [Page 56] I make them differ in their Measures as well as Notions from all other Men.

But Oh! the wonderful efficacy of a smart Repartee▪ They may talk of Quib­bles that have couched Wenns, & Hailstones sixteen Inches about, and twenty strange things, but they are all nothing in compa­rison to the Necking blow of an Argu­ment well Retorted▪ I mean, Sir, your People in the South, those Goblins and Mishapen Daemons you describe. In the name of Holcot and Bricot, what have we here? What? Turn'd Conjurer honest Tim? I profess such a Story thirty years ago would have made my Hair stand on end, though it does not altogether so much affect me now. And I wish you had done it into quaint Latine (as you did N. N's. Speech) for fear of affrighting the Chil­dren, and making pregnant Women mis­carry. Here's as ample a Specimen of your New way of Drollery, as I could have given my self, and as full of Wit (to Imitate your own Dialect) as an Egg is full of Milstones: 'Tis only for Dull Barn-doors and narrow Souls to confine and tie themselves up to sneaking Pedantick Rules of Rhetorick, to compare things [Page 57] that were somewhat al [...]ke before, and make their Relations probable; give me a nimble Eleutherian, who scorns to be Shackled with a common heavy Vehicle, who can Leap over Grantham St [...]eple up­on occasion, and will not Boggle at an easie Impossibility; who can devise such a Prodigious Story, as never a man in Eng­land besides hath Brains enough even to understand. Now, Sir, whether you lay your Scene in the World i'th Moon, or the [...]le of Pines, or in another place call'd Terra Australis Incognita, I neither know nor care: I shall not attempt to make any Discovery, but let your People alone; not doubting but you will carry on your Revenge so charitably, as to provide for them as well as plentifully as I did for my Greek Colony.

The old Po [...]yanthean Story indeed of (Lycosthenes, I should say) Callisthênes King of Sicyon, which brings up the Rear, and follows as naturally as o [...]e Link fol­lows another in a Rope of Sand might have been tolerable; but that you gravely left out the very life of the Iest, without which I never saw it quoted before; and had you consulted the Original Text here [Page 58] again, and added in the close— [...] —or told us in English that Hippoolides cares neither for you nor your Authour, but slights you both as much as if he were to Charm a Scold, or Laugh a Horse out of Countenance, (as my Friend truly call'd my present Task of Rejoyning to you) you might have gone not only for the Boccaline, but the very Quixot of the Age.

And now, Sir, before you and I part, please you to go along with me to the Whispering Place at Glocester; I'le tell you something in your Ear that may do you good another day; if the Spirit of Will. Pryn hath not poss [...]st you, if you have one good Ear le [...]t for sober Advice, let me beg of you to do your own Business, and let me alone with mine; for you are like to get nothing of me that I know of, but what you have already, a little more Ci­vility perhaps than you have yet deserv'd from the most Contemptible pretender to the Clergy. And since your Style is so Exasperating, you must not blame me if I have endeavour'd to turn the Point there­of sometimes: the Patient ought to ac­cuse his own Intemperance, when his Phy­sician [Page 59] seems Cruel. But if you are resolv'd ( [...]all Back, fall Edge) to run the other Risque, and follow the unhappy Trade of Sawing [...]till; you must know, that I am in no haste to Run away; or if I be, I can procure a Friend to Rhime you and your Junto to Dead in Doggrel, or Write a compleat History of the Covent for me, as I did (you know) for my last Pr [...]face. And if yo [...]r Muse be such a Light-skirts, that she will not be kept in, I make it my request to you that she may appear in La­tine, out oth' common Dress, to let us see that all your Money spent on her Edu­cation is not thrown away and lost. I have gratified you now the second time in your own Language, though against my Humour, and out of my Road (for I'le assure you I converse more with those Old ones in Forein Character, then any that pretend to the best English) and if you will be Ingenuous, you must Write to me next in Latine, Greek, Hebrew, Ethiopick, Spanish, French, High Ger­man, or any other Tongue I understand not, or else you lose a Play-Fellow of me. My meaning is, Sir, that 'tis below Men of your Worth and Parts, to Talk Home­spun [Page 60] Buffoonry. and make Sport for the most Mechanical Rabble; keep but out of their Reach, and let us be Laught at only Nos inter nos, and I shall rejoyce in your Company, but otherwise I shall leave it: And when you write to me in Latine, I hope you will not trouble and charge me with a Packet of other Lumber again; for [...]our last Letter (on that ac­compt) cost me as much as would have furnish'd me with Intelligence for one quarter of the year.

In the next place, Sir, let me prevail with you not to think so briskly of your self and your own way, as to despise all others that are either gone before, or live with you. You have written a Book of five pence price, saith Arrian upon Epi­ctetus; (though Learning is grown dearer since the Dutch war▪ & you have raised it to no less then five shillings) at that you may value your self. But yet you must not hence Collect that you are the onely man who have the World like a Ball at your foot, and can send it which way you please. [...]. Luc. 'Tis pos­sible some men may write (as Bellerophon carried) Letters [Page 61] to their own disadvantage, and themselves may not be thought so wise and wonder­ful abroad, as they are at home. I read of a certain Chymist that wrote a Book too, wherein he profess'd to extract Gold (as you do Wit) out of almost every thing, and then presented it to Leo the Tenth, not doubting but he should be gratified in most ample manner; but his Wise Hol [...]ness defeated all his hopes pre­se [...]tly, and onely commanded he should be furnish'd with a very large capacious Bag to put the Gold he made into, for that he seem'd to want nothing else. And therefore I would not have you part with your Boccaline's place I gave you so freely (no not for two hundred Guynea's) till you are sure of a better; for Preferments are grown scarce and dear, and for ought you know the best of your Lay and Cler­gy Friends may give you the Bag, espe­cially since you have added a fresh af­front to the Sacred Function, and of a higher nature than those in the former Catalogue, in Ded [...]cating a parcel of Trumper [...], Lev [...]t [...]es and Falsities, to the most Rever [...]nd Metropolitan of all Eng­land, as if he must be thought (at least) [Page 62] to pardon your temerity and extrava­gance, (a thing you see I have not con­fidence to offer to the meanest. Vicar in our whole Trib [...].) Indeed you write not your Name in words at length, for fear of the worst, which I can attribute to nothing but your affection to new and singular things; for I remember, the old approved way of Addressing to Supe [...]iours, and Persons so infinitely above, distant from, and withall so little related to Us; was (not to take the freedom Iack and Tom, and all Familiars give each other, but) to Complement their Grandeur, and bespeak their pardon in most humble wise, with all the poor Names they had.

One thing more, Sir, and then I give my self and you no further trouble. I must desire you in all love, to w [...]an your self from that calumniating and deriding Humour you are so fond of: other men know as well as you, that the Vulgar are mostly of that Nature, that they are huge­ly pleas'd and tickled, when the business is carried on with Scoffing and Cavils; chiefly, when the most August, Venerable, and Sacred Persons or Things, are pro­stituted and made cheap; as Aristophanes [Page 63] brought the grave Socrates in­to a Play, Aristoph. in Nub. and told a number of forged Tales of Him, as that he walked in the Clouds, and gave the same reason of Thunder (when he came down) as of the Pesants Pease­p [...]ttage grumbling in his belly, and such like. But I would not have you (knowing the Mischievous Consequences) follow such a l [...]ud Precedent, nor imi­tate that invidious Theopompus, who is said to write rather like an Accuser, than Hi­storian. That Advice he gives his Son, was intended for you also; make your wit rather a Buckler to defend your self, then a Sword to wound others: For a word cuts deeper then a sharp weapon, and is longer in Curing. And the Proverb founded upon great Experience, bids every man take heed of a Tongue that will cut his own Throat. A little modesty blended to­gether with as much Prudence never did any man hurt.

Now if you will take these Advisoes you may; nay, if not, you may take your own course. And so, with my due re­spects to the whole Club, wishing you all more Wit and my self more Money, I bid you heartily Farewel.