A Quaker is a Vessel of Phanaticisme drawn off to the Lees; a Com­mon-Shore of Heresie into which most extravagant O­pinions at last disembogue themselves and center, the fag-end of Reformation mar­ked with a sullen meagre look, and this Cha­racteristick Thou; A Fox in a Lambskin Coat, that retains his subtlety though not his colour, a dough-baked piece of formali­ty that decries Superstition, yet idolizes Garbs and Phrases. You may know him by his diminitive band, that looks like the Forlorne-hope of his Shirt crawling o [...] [Page 2] his Collar; for his purity consists onely in his dress, and his Religion is, Not to speak like his Neighbours. His Original is as obscure as the head of Nile; some refer it to Behmen the canting Philoso­phaster of Germany. Others run his Pe­digree higher, and say he was hatcht when the degraded Seraphin first took on him to counterfeit an Angel of Light. He is a meer composition of Contradiction & Clownishness ana, with a few odd Scruples of Hypocrisie to give it a Tincture. Should the Parliament make a Law for Eat­ing, he would starve rather then be guil­ty of obeying it; and if you would have him do a thing, you need onely forbid it on pain of death; He thinks that to be religious one is obliged to be uncivil; and flings his Wits overboard to make room for Inspirations. His Dreams he intitles Visions, and each Capricio of his fansie must [...]ss for a divine Revelation, to which he [Page 3] blasphemously puts a probatum est, The mouth of the Lord hath spoken it. The first Article of his Creed is to keep his Hat on, which he observes so religiously, as if he thought vailing Bonnet to be the sin against the Holy Ghost; Titles of Honour he takes for infallible marks of the Beast, and belives the Master of the Ceremonies to be Antichrist; He would have done rarely in the old Chaos before Nature had ranked things in their places, being a profest Enemy to all Order, that thinks there's no pure walking unless it be with the heels upwards; He hath a Pique a­gainst Paul for saying most noble Festus, and hates the memory of Sarah because she called her Husband Lord. His discourses are nothing but a Rhapsody of oft repea­ted Non-sense; and when he hath dark­ned your understanding with a cloud of insignificant Babble, he cries. Ah! friends mind the Light! He usually begins [Page 4] with Raving like Mahomet in his Falling­fit, or the Devil of Delphose's Priests, that never delivered their Lying Oracles, but with extravagant gestures and odd distortions of body. Swear not at all, is his Motto, but Lies he holds in many cases venial, and in two meritorious, when they make for the Interest of the beloved Seed, or re­flect Scandal▪ on the Government. He cheats worse then a Long-lane Broker, by pretending to deal at a word, and the Hooke whereby he draws in his Custo­mers, is a far-fetcht sigh, and plainly I tell thee Friend.

This troublesome Insect (for all his demure looks) is deservedly suspected to be part of the Vermine dropt from the Beast, a Puppet of Religion, contrived to amuse the Rabble, that receives its mo­tion from his Holinesses invisible hand behind the Curtain; for though the Iesuite and he seem Antipodes, at long [Page 5] run (like East and West) they prove the same, Equivocations being as common with them both as Curses to a Gamester. Ask our trembling Saint if he believe the Resurrection of the dead, he shall answer yea; but tell you another time, he meant only an arising from sin; by Heaven and Hell he intends no more but several Scenes transacted within us, and abuses holy Scri­pture into a mystical Romance: Each of them averrs perfection attainable in this Life; but herein they differ, the Papist acknowledgeth but one Pope in the World, the Quaker sets up a Pope in every Individual Breast, to whom all Scri­pture and Reason must truckle; so that re­fusing the Polestar of Gods Word and the Churches Compass, he will needs steer by the wandring motion of a treache­rous Ignis fatuus within, subject to be blown any way, and often extinguisht by the Hurricanes of Passion.

[Page 6] He makes Self the Centre where­unto the Lines of all his Actions tend, and like a Hedge-hog wrapt up in his own warm down, turns out Brisles to all the World besides; you can come on no side of him but he pricks and bites, and all his Coasts are craggy and inhospita­ble. He that deals with him has need of more Eyes then Poets bestow on Ar­gus, for he out-vies a Genoe's for subtle­ty, and a Iew may come to be an Ap­prentice with him; he loves the Ex­change though he hate the Church, and admires no preaching so much as Foxes.

For, all his peaceable sheepish coun­tenance, he delights in Contention, and when he is Thou-ing a Court of Justice, thinks himself in his proper Element. He bawls (like an Oysterwife) at other folks pride, and evidences his own Hu­mility[?] onely in defying the Pedlars Pack, [Page] Lace, Ribbons, and Bandstrings, whilest he sawcily contemns his superiors, and pre­fers the Crotchets of his own Giddy Brain before the Decrees of a General Council. He hates no whore so much as her of Baby­lon, and ever and anon gratifies the Old man with a kind Green-apron'd Friend, whom he picks up at a Conventicle by a leacherous touch of the hand, under pre­tence of a purer salutation, and finding by her rampant pulse, and tempting turn­ing up the VVhites, (which she pre­tends to do in devotion) that her de­sires are at flood, they retire together for mutual Edification. He is often drunk, but not like his Neighbours temporally, for sleep cannot cure him, but the fumes of his spiritual pride ha­ving intoxicated his head, makes his ve­ry Soul reel, and put his Body into a fit of shivering; yet will he not privately [Page 8] in the company of Friends refuse the refreshing Bottle, provided it be not known in Gath, nor published amongst the wicked of Askalon, for he confes­seth the use of the creature (especially when it comes on free-cost) to be ex­ceeding lawful. He is very curious to be in all things contrary to the common Mode, that he may be taken notice of, for a singular man, and having strew'd his face into a Religious frame, and tun'd his voice to a puling sanctimonious key, he uses it as a Low-bell to catch Larks, or rather such Owls as will be bubbled out of their money merely on the Repute of his conscientious dealing; he abominates our Churches, and sayes very well, that God must be worshiped every where in spirit, yet will rather be knock'd o'th' head then forsake Devonshire-house; here it is that he glories in tribulations, and makes the [Page 9] Streets ring with persecutions and sufferings, when all the business is, he is only shut out of dores, and kept by the Officers from breaking a Law that would punish him; Then he ascends the Coblers-stall, flings abroad the Light and the Truth, bears his testimony openly; and at last re­tireing home, with a good Caudle con­cludes the work of the day. To this san­ctified assembling place they flock in droves, as to an Ark, but sure tis none of Noah's, since here the Beasts come not in by pairs, for the shees are far the more numerous party, and in spight of Paul's injunction, will often be holding forth to the men.

In brief, a Quaker is a Cynick in Religion, one that would have Ill­nature translated Grace; as if the Holy Spirit (that pure sweet gentle Dove▪) did in­spire men with sullen humours and waspish [Page 10] dispositions: he hates both Magistracie and Ministrie, and never speaks well of Authority or Obedience, but when he is going to lash his Maid or his Appren­tices; for though himself have shaken off all subjection to Superiours, yet to his Domesticks he is worse then an Egy­ptian Taskmaster, and speaks to his ser­vants in a tone as imperious as the Grand Seigniour to his Mutes; he can­not endure Ceremonies or Complements, especially where his Belly is concer­ned, and therefore falls to all meat (as Gallants do to a VVench or Oysters) without saying Grace; he is very diligent in his Generation-worke, and may there­fore have many children but no heirs; for his issue comes into the World out-law'd, and can no more boast to be born in lawful VVedlock, then the Kinchin-cove of a Gypsie got under a hedge [Page 11] by a strauling Tinker; he bannes the Banes, and in this respect onely refuses License, consummating his Marriage before it is solemnized; for so soon as the Spi­rit begins to yield to the rebellion of the flesh, and his Bowels yearn to be mul­tiplying, he and his willing Doxy never wait the Parsons leisure, but take each others word and so to Bed. Yet of late (to shew how far they dare affront the Laws established) they have got a more solemne Knack of Fool­ing; A VVestminster VVedding must be kept at Merchant-Taylors Hall, and a Trumpet sounded to publish the Nup­tials between Diotrephes and Gomer the daughter of Diblain, where Iews and Gentiles are jointly invited to a Feast, and Seven and Twenty Venison Pa­sties saw their stately Walls in a mo­ment levelled. A Freak so wild and [Page 12] extravagant, that some of the invited Hebrews began to suspect their Rabbins mistaken in their Cabalistick Learning; and that Antichrist is as like to be hatcht between such a mad Couple, as to be begot by an Incubus on a Har­lot of the Tribe of Dan.

The Devil that furnishes others with his Tares but by Retail, deals with the Quaker by Whole sale, so many Heresies club to his Generation, that 'tis impossible to say which he re­sembles most. Sure Satan had a fansie to present the World with an Oglie, and therefore here hath rendevou­zed all his Hell-bred Errours in Epi­comie, and set down a Catalogue of them in Short-hand.

By his obstinate zeal to keep his [Page 13] Noddle covered, you may guess him a Mahumetan, that resents nothing so dishonourable as a bare head; and indeed he hath no more Christianity in him than a Turk; His Good-Friday Looks speak him a superstitious Ancho­rite; his subtlety and equivocations would become a Iesuite; he names his chil­dren with as little Ceremony as o­ther Folkes doe their Whelps; and so far keeps pace with the Anabap­tists, but of a sudden he out-strips them, and falls in with the Seekers to deny all Ordinances. From Socinus he steals Arguments against the blessed Trinity, and learns to disown all Go­vernment, from Iohn of Leyden. At first he was much against the Carnall VVeapon, but now begins to be recon­ciled to Fighting, and if you anger him will rather venture a Rubbers at [Page 14] Fifty-Cuffs, then turn the other cheek to the Smiter.

'Tis a prudent maxime in the Art Mi­litary, never to think too contemptibly of an Enemy. Our Grandfathers saw that Scotch-mist Presbytery rising no big­ger then a mans hand, and yet how dismally did it in few years over­spread our whole Horizon.

Consider but this Quaking Gang in its true dimensions, and the Arts they have to promote their Designs, and they will appear more formi­dable then most of the other Fa­ctions.

For, First, They are a People ge­nerally subtle, frugal, industrious, and wary in their dealing; by which and [Page 15] their large pretensions to a punctual Honesty, they have ingrossed a grand part of the Nations Trade.

Secondly, Whereas other Per­swasions are divided into distinct Congregations, and so have seve­ral particular TEACHERS, who frequently broaching different whim­seys, mince them into Subdivisions, whilest some dare not hear such an one, and others scruple to commu­nicate with such a one, though all of a PARTY.

The QUAKERS on the con­trary, though no two of them scarce agree in all things, doe yet general­ly throughout England keep themselves up in one entire Body, glewed together with a strict Unity, as to Affection, [Page 16] and Correspondence, as is evident by their Weekly Collections in every Coun­ty continually sent up to London, where their common stock cannot but in so many years as they have maintained it, be very vast. To which add the exact Accompt and Registry they every where keep of all their Births and Bu­rials (which are likewise duely trans­mitted up) so that in an instant they are able to give a near estimate of their number and strength in all the three Nations. These and some other Im­port [...]ts being duely weighed, render this shivering Sect not so inconsiderable as the common Rabble deluded with their specious pretences are apt to think them. 'Tis a good Caution of a Mi­nor Poet,

To conclude, a Quaker is a Canting thing that Cozens the world by the purity of his Cloaths, a few Close-stool faces and whine­ing expressions, his Life is only a real Lye, his Doctrine contrary to all sober Reli­gion, and withal so troublesome that I am grown quite weary of drawing his Cha­racter, and cannot but wish him and all his Trihe fairly Embarqu'd for terra incognita, or the late found Isle of Pines, underthe conduct of Penn their high Admiral.