THE Long Vacation.
WEllcome thou long expected
Season,
Wellcome as is to Madmen Reason,
To Prisners Freedom, Thieves a Pardon,
Or Rescue when the Bums press hard-on
Poor Debtor fly'ng through Lanes and Alleys,
To scape a Jayl far worse than Gallows;
Wellcome as Alms to needy Poor,
Or Wealth by
Smirna-Fleet brought o're;
Wellcome as sound of
rise Sir Knight,
Or
French Success to
Jacobite.
But why should such Civility,
Be, dear Sir
Long-shanks, paid to thee?
Unless I would to World present,
My little Skill in Complement;
Just like two
Kings in Play we read in,
Who both spoke
French to show their Breeding;
[Page 2] For there is no great alteration
Between the
Term and
Long Vacation;
The difference is scarce a Tester
'Twixt Terms of
Hilary or
Easter,
Or
Michaelmas or
Trinity,
Compar'd with Gains we find in thee:
True, at those times we keep a stir
In famous
Hall of Westminster,
In torn Bar-Gowns we loudly bawl,
And
Eccho murmurs through the Hall,
In Tryals mix our Sense with
Jokes
On
John a Stiles and
John a Nokes;
Not Plough-Man sweats so much as we
To get a Clients
Guinea Fee;
But as in
Holy Writ we find,
That
God the first Eternal mind,
When by his word, the whole Creation,
Had in six Days receiv'd Formation,
Is said to Rest; so 'tis but best fit
Mankind should have some kind of respit.
Assist me then some friendly Muse,
And do not all kind Aids refuse,
VVhilst I describe the way and fashion
Of Living in the
Long Vacation.
[Page 3] Now
Judges with a mighty Train
Of
Tipstaves, Clerks and other Men,
Go by
Their Majesties Command
To scatter
Justice round the Land,
Bold Malefactors
Crimes to Punish,
And
Country Folks with
Law astonish,
Who gaping stand at each
Assises
To hear'em Try their
Nisi Prises;
Tho of their Sense they've no discerning,
Yet they admire their mighty Learning,
And wonder how in words such force is,
To fetch the Mony from their Purses;
Mean while
Atturneys and their
Clerks,
By
Tricks of Law and
other Querks,
Bleed the fat Purse of
Country Yeoman,
And run at all like Sheep in
Common,
Pick up the Pence from every Giver,
As at
Church Door does Poors Receiver,
And will no kind of
Fees Disown,
From
Guinea to the
Clipt Half-Crown;
But if the
Client has no
Ryno,
Full well the World, and you and I know,
The cause is in as bad Condition,
As is a Soul in sad Contrition
[Page 4] In middle World, and's left no Pence,
To Priest to Pray him out from thence.
But come, let s leave this wrangling crew,
And step to Fair of
Bartlemew,
Where 'tis not thought the greatest curse,
To eat lean
Pigs were starv'd at Nurse;
Thither whole droves of
Punks repair,
To Sell their
Frenchifi d crackt Ware,
To easy Youths whose greatest curse is,
T'ave empty Skulls and laden Purses:
Here
Merry-Andrew with his
Babble,
Diverts the crouds of gaping
Rabble,
While
Divers with their Fingers steady,
From Pocket Pick out all the
Ready;
But here is such a cursed Noise,
With
Trumpets, Drums, and
Hoarse Hant-Boys,
With
Buy my Damsins, Nuts and Pears,
I thought with rev'rence to my Ears,
To leave that cursed Hellish Crew,
Another different Scene to View
See how in droves on
Pads and
Tits,
The Road is fill d with
Scampring Cits,
For
Tunbriag, Epsom, and such places,
To Drink, and
Bowl, and Lose at Races;
[Page 5] But still the greatest part repair
To the fam'd Mart call'd
Sturbridg-Fair,
Their tarnisht Wares before them gon down,
Which were not Vendible in
London;
While Country Chapmen from each Quarter,
Pay down the Cole, or Trade by Barter:
Poor
Catholick to pay his Vow,
Through parching Heat and Frost & Snow,
Cannot with more Devotion go
To fam'd
Loretto's Shrine; or that
Of blessed Lady
Mountferrat,
Than Tradesmen down to
Marts and
Fairs,
Or any place where Gain Repairs;
Mony and Blood in this agree,
When they'r in Circulation free,
A Healthful Corps and Purse ensues,
But both are sick when both we lose.
Others on
Nags in
Smithfield bought,
(Who at's return 's not worth a groat)
Or else on Fifteen Pence a side,
In mighty hast from
London Ride;
They Ride not forth for Air and Sun,
Their business is the
Gentle Dun,
But they may
Dapple soundly Tire,
And Ride full many tedious Miles
Before the tempting
Guinea Smiles;
But here's a
Christian Comfort still,
If not their
Purse, their
Wems they fill:
Did they at first their Errand tell,
They might be Kickt or Cudgell'd well;
No, they are Treated all like Lords,
With choicest Foods the Shire affords;
Nor can each Meal of Plenty fail,
Of choicest Wines or strongest Ale;
(Tho after all this mighty Cheer,
Is not th'effect of Love but Fear)
And can the
Dun be so ill-bred,
When with such mighty Welcom sped,
To whisper in the Ears of any,
My business is, I come for Mony?
No, there is certainly a Spell
In Eating and in Drinking well,
When from our Purse it draws no Pence;
And tho with grumbling Minds from thence,
They Prosecute their Journey home,
This Pleasure to their thoughts does come,
[Page 7] No Thieves can them from Mony Sever,
Tho they may
Stand, they can't
Deliver,
So jogging on persue their Journey,
Like
Client Fleec'd by
Sharp Atturney.
'Thas been a word this Fourscore Years,
Talk of the
Dev'l and he appears,
Which Sentence if it e're was true,
It must most certainly be now:
Lo, on the Road before our Faces,
On Pads with most uneven Paces,
Twenty
Atturneys of that swarm,
Who flock from
Norfolk to the
Term,
With Hearts all Light, and Purses Swelling,
Jog home to their respective Dwelling;
Not
Caesar (when his Foes o'recome)
Could with more Triumph enter
Rome,
Than they, along the Rode in State,
Lookt big and did of
Causes Prate,
Contriving as they sat on
Crupper
What they should have that Night for Supper,
What Fowl was scarce, what Fish was Dearest,
And where was Sold the
Wine was
Clearest;
Resolving since the
Term was over,
To Feast themselves and live or
[...]lover,
[Page 8] And nobly gratify their Bellies,
As did the
Emperour Vitellius.
From them about some three Miles distance
Helpt by their Horses lame Assistance,
A crew of
Tatter'd Clients trot on,
Not one of which had good Coat got on,
But did exactly represent,
The talkt of
Ragged Regiment,
And by their looks 'twas plainly seen,
Their
Pockets had small
Coin within;
Strange 'tis that ev'ry one we look at
Should know the want of
Cole in
Pocket,
For the Face carries strange Reports,
When
Bag and
Purse is out of Sorts:
These did not talk with what fine Cates,
They should Regale themselves and Mates,
Nor did they talk of
Partridg, Plover,
Or of strange Dish from
France brought over,
They with their Stomachs were no Jesters,
Nor talkt of
Fish with
Shrimps and
Oysters;
But Minds most Pensive entertain
With thoughts where they that night should gain
Domestick Bread and Cheese and Butter,
To satisfy loud
Colons clutter,
[Page 9] Cursing all
Lawyers where they met any,
Repeating o're the Devil's Litany
For all the Pen and Parchment Fighters,
From
Judges down to
Hackney Writers.
By what strange Magick am I held,
I cannot quit this Country Field?
New objects still my Muse invite,
And still of Groves and Shades I write.
Here by a purling Brook there sits
A
Nymph by Love depriv'd of Wits;
For having once at
London been,
And in the
Walks of
Grays-Inn seen
A Dressing
Beau, by
Taylors made,
Her silly Heart by Love betray'd;
And since her Passion for the
Spark,
She modestly Conceals i'th'
Dark,
Turns
Mope, and twirling of her
Garters,
Is nam'd amongst God
Cupid's
Martyrs.
Not far from thence in Country Village,
Renown'd for Husbandry and Tillage;
Encircled round with Clowns was sate
A
Spark just come to his Estate,
Whilst lib'rally they Drink and Eat all,
Upon the
Charge of Young
Sir Treat-all;
[Page 10] Extolling to the very Skies
His bounteous Liberalities:
One who'd more breeding than the rest Sir,
In a large Bowl, to's
Noble Master,
Begins a
Health, which each one follows
With hoarse loud shouts and rustick hollows,
Whilst he with Pride puft up, does swell
As big as Midnight Constable
Amongst his Watchmen clad in Flannel;
So he by ev'ry Country Spaniel
Is fawn'd upon, while each pretends
To Honour him
for their own ends.
What shew on yonder Hill appears?
They seem a
Troop of
Mountaneers,
And by the swiftness of their Pace
To be of the true
Irish Race,
They yelp, they bawl, they hoop, they hollow,
And each one cries out
follow, follow;
But when they something nearer came,
I found them Sportsmen of the Game,
Who Hunting lov'd above their Vi'tels,
And cry of Hounds 'fore Lutes and Fiddles.
'Twas now about the dawn o'th' Even,
And they had been at th' sport since seeven
[Page 11] Th' Morning, all that time employing,
Themselves, with Hunger much anoying,
Receiving falls and blows and knocks Sir,
In chase of a damn'd stinking Fox Sir,
Which they with much more triumph Kill'd
Than e're did
Tamberlane i'th' Field,
When his Victorious Foot he set,
Upon the Neck of
Bajazet.
I must confess I lookt with wonder,
But never shall with pleasure under-
Stand where in truth the mighty sense is,
In Riding over Hedges, Fences,
Stiles, Ditches, Five-bar-gates and Bogs,
After a crew of Yelping Dogs,
Indang'ring still my Life, which bears
More value than ten Thousand Hares;
A Leg or Arm is often Cur'd,
But no Man's Neck was e're Ensur'd;
Yet each Man best his Pleasure knows,
As th' Woman said, who pickt her Toes.
But now 'tis time we should be gone,
And leave the Country for the Town;
My Muse and I with easy pace,
Tow'rd
London now have set our Face:
[Page 12] But had you seen, as we took notice,
Of such a numerous train of Coaches,
Both Hackney, Stage, and those of Gentry,
Who had upon the Road made entry,
Calashes made by Workmens Art,
A much more modish sort of Cart;
And ev'ry one of these 'forenam'd,
With Folks as thick as Bee-hives cram'd;
Or had you likewise seen beside,
The numerous company that Ride
On Long-tails, Bob-tails, Trotters, Pacers,
Pads, Higlers, Hawkers, Hunters, Racers,
Who did with Whip and Spur repair,
To tast the Countries purer Air,
You would have almost took your Oath,
That Pestilence, or Fire, or both,
Could be the only sole occasion
Of leaving
City Habitation;
But all our fears were fled to tell ye,
When we arriv'd at
Peccadilly,
We found the Streets with People swarm,
As if it were in height of
Term,
And tho so many thousands gone,
There scarce was miss of them in Town;
[Page 13] However 'twas my first desire
To visit
Hall of
Westminster,
Where oft till two a Clock I've staid,
Starving my Guts to feed my Head
With scraps of Law and bits of Lattin,
(Oh! what a Bliss is Learned Prating)
Into that School-house of the Law,
I entred with a kind of Awe,
Which when more strictly I survey'd,
It lookt like Garison decay'd;
For tatter'd
Flags from
Ireland brought
Did very much improve the Thought;
No
Judges learned in the
Law,
Nor
Serjeants who choice Pleadings Draw,
Nor Councel who can split a Hair,
Were seen on
Bench or at the
Bar;
Not one
Atturney with his Bags,
Stuft full of Law, or Rogues in Rags,
We justly
Pettifoggers call,
Were to be seen about the Hall;
No
Affidavit-Men, nor those
In
Temple-Walk with
Straws in Shoes;
The
Lawyers and their
Hangers on,
Like Rats from falling House were gone;
Did use to sit, were
Boys at Taw,
And Folks with Plums and Ginger-bread
Stood where the Learned Counsel Plead,
And Country Folks to shew their Manners,
Stood bare to view the
Irish Banners;
Pert
Sempstress with her
what d'ye buy Sir?
Did nodding on her Elbow lye Sir,
And
Bookseller long time may snort,
Before he's askt for
Cook's
Reports;
The place appear'd so Melancholy,
To stay there longer was a folly,
Therefore did most convenient judg it,
To
Lincolns-Inn on Foot to trudg it;
But when I came to
Charing-Cross,
Sitting on Steps by
Horse of
Brass,
Saw
Splitcause the
Solliciter,
Expecting, like some humble Cur,
What scraps or bones would fall for Dinner;
Taking compassion on the Sinner,
To Cellar gave him Invitation,
Where instantly he took occasion
To cram his Guts with
Beef and
Pudding,
Which for two days had had no Food in;
[Page 15] His Belly fill'd and Bones at rest,
He told me that with Interest
He would repay the Obligation
I shew'd him in the
Long Vacation,
And had he had but
Cole in
Pockets,
He'd take me instantly to
Lockets,
And fill my Skin with old
Burgundy,
But he would not forget me one day:
Seeming to like his grateful Humour,
We parted, when just 'gainst the
Rummer,
I met a
very honest Croney,
Who values, just like Dirt, his Mony;
But by his sad dejected looks,
I found his Purse was off the Hooks,
To meet (as ev'ry Mortal well-knows)
A Man with Stockins out at Elbows,
His Linnen foul, and Cloaths all torn in,
With Hands and Face in Nat'ral Mourning,
Informs a Man, beyond all doubt,
The World and he are fallen out:
He seem'd amaz'd when first I met him;
But since I was resolv'd to Treat him,
Consented, and to drown all Sorrow,
All anxious thoughts about to morrow,
[Page 16] Drank Bumpers
Supernaculum,
To better Luck for time to come;
Strange power of
Wine, whose sprightly Juice,
Can a new kind of Soul infuse:
My Friend had now forgot his Cares,
And for a chearful Song prepares;
Nay, thought himself as great to th'full,
As is the
Indian Great Mogull:
But I not willing the Delusion
Should bring his Senses to Confusion,
Soon sent him Home in Hackney-Coach,
To keep him from a worse Debauch.
Walking along the
Strand, a
Strange
Young Spark salutes me by th'
Exchange:
I knew him not, yet he'd pretend
To be my Servant and my Friend,
And that as well we knew each other,
As if the one was t'others Brother:
Amaz'd I stood in strange suspense;
But he with Air of Impudence,
"Cry'd, surely Sir you can't forget
"Our last Intreague in
Surry-street,
"When amongst Ladies half a Dozen,
"You only did select my Cousin;
[Page 17] "She's a brisk Tit, and Sir you know it,
"(Then begs my Ear) could you allow it,
"To lend me Sir, but half a Crown,
"I should be yours more than my own;
I straight survey'd my
Spark all o're,
Having ne're seen his Face before,
Instead of lending him a
George,
Kickt him and made him walk at large.
From thence I met with no Adventure,
Until I did the
Temple Enter;
Which come to, with amazement saw
A brisk pretender to the Law,
Who was in Term-time all men know
A mighty Dressing Sparkish
Beau,
And would with
Tooth-Pick fixt in Mouth,
Stand three full hours by th' Clock in troth
At
Temple-Gate, with Roguish Leering,
Ogling all women who came near him;
But now by some strange turn of Fate
Reduc'd to very mean Estate;
His
Beaver was reduced to
Caster,
And
Nekcloath hardly worth a
Tester,
Tuckt in within a tatter'd
Wastcoat,
O're which, a
Coat was once a
Lac'd-Coat;
[Page 18] A
Wigg so full of Knots and Stains,
As if't had seen a score
Campaigns,
And all the other Cloaths he wore,
Like those we mentioned just before:
Surpriz'd I was, I must confess,
At such an odd and uncouth Dress;
Whether 'twas Gaming, Whoring, Drinking
Reduc'd him, thought not worth my thinking;
So passing on to
King's
-Bench Walk,
Survey'd a Num'rous crew were Talk-Ing, hither, thither, to and fro,
As if they'd little else to do:
Poor
Pettifogging Pimps o'th' Law,
Trav'lers who ne're Salt-water saw,
Alsatian Biters and their
Cullies,
Pretended Wits and Sharping Bullies,
Projectors and their
Undertakers,
News Writing 'Squires and
Ballad Makers,
Were Walking here this
Long-Vacation,
To give their thoughts some Recreation.
Here the Author broke off Abruptly, being engag'd for several Weeks to Visit his Friends in the Country.
THank Heaven, I am at last return'd,
Tho no one for my Absence Mourn'd;
Pleasure should give to Business place
(Men do not use to feed on Sauce)
Not dawn of Light to People, where
'Tis Midnight Darkness half the Year,
More welcom is, than dawn of
Term
To
Lawyers, who to
London swarm.
The Nobles now and Gentry too,
To Country Pleasures bid adieu,
And with the Cities Conversation,
Supply the want of Recreation
They met withall in Gardens, Fields,
And all those Sports the
Country yields:
From
Tunbridg, Epsom, Arstrop-Wells,
The
Bath and sundry places else,
In mighty droves to
London come,
Where 'tis admir'd they all find room;
In this, it like the Ocean seems,
Nere fuller for ten thousand Streams.
Nay, I my self must take my leave
Of
Cowly, Waller, Oldham, Cleave-
To study Actions on the
Case,
And leave my
Thought ere made an end on't,
To think of
Plaintiff and
Defendant;
And so farewell all Recreation
In this
Dull, Tedious, Long Vacation.
FINIS.