[Page] Islington-Wells; OR THE Threepenny = Academy.
A POEM.
—Equidem hoc studio bullatis ut mihi nugis, Pagina turgescat.—
Perseus Sat. 5.
LONDON, Printed for E. Richardson, 1691.
Epistle Dedicatory.
TO all Pretty young
Girls, by a late sawcy Pen,
Expos'd to an
Auction as Matches for Men,
Who to
Lincolns-Inn-Walks, and the
Park make their Pace
To shew their fine
Cloaths, but their much finer
Faces,
And who frequently (cause they can do nothing else)
With their Presence do Honour fam'd
Islington-Wells.
To all
Ladies whose Portions are
Thousands a
Piece,
From my Lord
's youngest Daughter to
Aldermans Niec
Who go thither as oft as Occasion requires,
To Cool their young Bloods and Inflame their Desires.
To all sorts of
Wives (but most chiefly the Young)
Who each Morning in Clusters to
Islington Throng,
And Drink
VVaters, as most Men the story believe,
To render their
Bodies more apt to
Conceive;
Tho both
Antient and
Modern agree in the Matter.
That a
Chopping young Heir was ne're got by
thin Water
[...]f she proves but
with Child, let the
Father guess
How;
For however we banter an
Implicit Faith,
We are bound to believe what our
Bed-fellow saith.
To all
fine Dressing Beaus with their sparkish Long
Wigs,
To all brisk
Lawyers Clerks, and pert
City young
Prigs,
Who having fine
Cloaths must go thither to shew em,
Is humbly Presented This following
Poem.
Islington = Wells: OR, THE Threepenny-ACADEMY, &c.
FEv'rish and Hot by Drinking
Claret,
(And where's the Mortal can forbear it?)
All Pillow-consultations scorning,
I left my Bed by
Six i'th' Morning;
About which time dull Sots are Snoaring,
And Sparks just rose from private Whoring;
But being Drest, I found the Curse,
Of a hot Head and cooling Purse,
My
Guineas spent, my
Angels flown,
And nothing but a Clipt
Half-Crown,
[Page 2] (Which twinkling lay like Snuff in Socket)
To keep the Devil from my Pocket:
Then think how could a Scene of Pleasure,
Be Purchas'd with so small a Treasure?
Our Inclinations may be Sparkish,
When Pocket at Low-water-mark is;
But having rack'd my
Pia Mater,
For some cheap Mirth by Land or Water,
At last could pitch on nothing else,
But
Islington's Renowned
Wells,
Where twice or thrice a Week most duly,
In Months of
May, June, August, July,
The
Doctor and his sly
Jacall,
Whom some the
'Pothecary call,
Lawyers, Divines, Civilians, Quakers,
Some
Cuckolds, but more
Cuckold-Makers,
Sharpers, Decoys, Trapans and
Bullies,
Designing
Cracks and sneaking
Cullies,
Fine modish
Sparks, and dressing
Beau's,
Who Charm the Women with their Cloaths;
Ladies some
Chast and others
Common,
Young, Old, and many other
Women;
Th' Enamour'd
Youth and's dear
Queen Blouze,
Taylors and other Trades which Rack
Invention to Adorn the Back,
Go there to make their Observation,
Upon the Dresses of the Nation,
Of either Sex whole Droves together,
To see and to be seen flock thither,
To Drink, and not to
Drink the
Water,
And here promiscously they
Chatter.
'Twas Seaven a Clock when I came thither,
Serene the Air and Calm the Weather,
Which Prophesied a Randezvous,
Of
Coquet Dames and
Sparkish Beau's.
As yet no Beauties fill'd the place,
No, not so much as Coat with Lace;
But five old
Cits who walking, Blundred,
And talk'd of Thirty in the Hundred,
What Ships abroad were Bound for home,
And that the
Smyrna Fleet was come;
How to put off their
Musty Daughters,
To Rich young Heirs, and such like Matters,
[Page 4] Which did to me as Grateful prove,
As Cats at Midnight making Love;
So quickly out of Ear-shot getting,
As loathing their Insipid prating,
Planted my self in Arbour Green,
So Shaded that I scarce was seen:
So long I was not in that post Sir,
As one might say his
Pater-Noster;
But in the Arbour next to me,
I heard loud Noise of
Ha, Ha, He,
And louder yet the sound redoubles,
From the shrill Throats of Female Trebles;
I Peep'd, and did most plainly see,
Three Ladies Drest
Dishabillee,
Who had, it seems, with other Women,
Been at the Labour of a Seamans Wife, who in the Pains of Child-birth,
Cry'd out, her Fruit would be an ill-birth,
Unless her Husband, first (to tell ye,)
Had laid his Hand upon her Belly,
Which done, was brought to Bed as well,
As full Ripe
Philbert dropt from Shell.
[Page 5] But Lord! to hear their wild Descants,
And most unheard uncommon Rants,
Would make one Swear that
Aristotle
Would have Improv'd to hear their
Tattle;
Yet this we must not
Baudry call,
No, no, 'tis
Philosophical:
What they Obscene in us condemn,
Is but meer Natural Talk with them.
But in the midst of all their Laughing,
I fell unluckily a Coughing,
Which put them into such a
Fright,
As if they'd seen a
Ghost or
Spright;
Supposing there was no one near 'em,
Perceiving I did over hear 'em,
Clapt
Vizors on, and 'mongst the
Bushes,
Hid both their
Faces and their
Blushes.
By this time Company Repair,
As thick as to a
Wake or
Fair:
No
Broacher of a
New Religion,
Nor
Flatnoz'd Quack, nor
Stage Physitian,
"Nor Indian King
unto his Palace,
"Nor Knots of Highway-men to th' Gallows,
[Page 6] More followers have ever known,
Than come to
Wells of
Islington.
First came an Old Grave
Governant,
With two
Young Things, who call'd her
Aunt,
So Pert, so Innocent, and Pretty,
Unpractiz'd in the Tricks o'th' City:
In each of which so lovely Creature,
Was seen pure unadulterate Nature,
Before she learnt to
Love by
Rules,
And make them more
Accomplish'd Fools.
Next came a
Beau bedawb'd with
Lace,
Conducting in with
Damn'd Grimace,
A Tawdry
Punk in fluttering Cloaths,
Whom you must
Quality suppose;
Then a Young
Sempstress of th'
Exchange,
In an
Undress so loose and Strange,
That she was thought by every Man,
To come from
China or
Japan.
Two
Sisters then so Drest in strictness,
That one was but the others Likeness.
Next came three
Scarlet-Coat Commanders,
Newly
Equipt to go for
Flanders,
[Page 7] Who had to shew their
Active Valours,
Two Hours before well
Kickt their
Taylors,
For giving
Dun at
Chamber Door,
For
Cloaths had of them
Years before.
A
Doctor then with twirling Cane,
Well skill'd in each Disease and Pain,
Which do the Corps of Man Assail,
From
Crown of
Head to
Great-Toe-Nail,
And can of all the
Plants tell Stories,
From
Saffron down to
Stinking Orrice.
Next him a young spruce
City Fop,
Chief of a
Linnen-Drapers Shop,
With a
Long-Wig and
Tilter on,
To make him look like
Gentleman;
And he might long for such have past,
If he had not himself Disgrac'd,
To shew his mighty Wit and Skill in,
Bantring upon a
Ladies Linnen,
Who quickly Silenc'd the Pert
Fop,
By telling him 'twas bought at's
Shop.
Then half a Dozen of the
Fry,
Who can so neatly
Cogg a
Dye,
[Page 8] And all the Tricks and Customs know,
Of the
High-fullhams and the
Low.
A brace of
Country 'Squires next enter,
In chase of some unheard
Adventure,
Who thinking of themselves in
Heaven,
Steal off with
Punks about Eleven,
VVho in few days the difference Scan,
'Twixt Country
Joan and City
Nan.
Of
Women next an Inundation,
All drest by strictest rules of Fashion,
VVho think by all their gay
Attire,
To set poor Mortals Hearts on
Fire;
But he deserves to have a
Bib on,
That's taken with the Charms of
Ribbon,
Or walk into the whining
Road,
Out of respect to Drest
Commode.
Of
Gentlemen a num'rous store
With
Tickets, throng to reach the Door,
Whose only
Business and whose
Trade is,
Each day to
Complement the
Ladies,
VVhich they in words so finely can dress,
They Can't forbear it to their Laundress;
[Page 9] For using vulgar words and Phrases,
Their Mouth most Inf'nitely Debases,
To say they've Melancholly been,
Is Bar'brous; no, they are
Chagrin.
To say a Ladies Looks are Well,
Is common; no,
her Air is Belle.
If any thing Offends, the
Wig
Is tost, and they'r in such
Fatigue:
But now the Evidence to sum up,
To such cheap Pleasures most can come up,
And therefore 'twould be strange to
Rob,
Some topping
Gentry of the
Mob,
Of the Diversion ev'ry
Munday,
To shew clean Linnen worn on
Sunday,
Especially if they're but Civil,
(We must do Justice to the Devil)
For their ill-shap't unfashion'd Cloaths,
May serve as
Foils to set off
Beans;
So Blacks by Ladies standing seen,
Heighten the
Whiteness of their
Skin.
And now like
Modern sort of
Criticks,
By
Antients call'd
Peripateticks,
[Page 10] Walk't sometimes hither, sometimes thither,
Conferring learned Notes together;
So here the Ladies keep a pother,
In Censuring of one another.
"Lord! Madam, did you e're behold,
"Says one,
a Dress so very Old?
"Sure that Commode
was made, I'faith,
"In Days of Queen Elizabeth:
"Or else it was Esteem'd the Fashion
"At Charles
the Second's
Coronation;
"The Lady by her Manteaus
Forebody,
"Sure takes a Pride to Dress like no Body,
When at the very self same time
She's taxt by others for the Crime,
Of Dressing of her Head so High,
As if she would with Steeples Vye,
Or Rival with her
Modish Skill,
The
Monument on
Fishstreet-Hill;
Nor can the
Sparks themselves escape
From Censures on their Mein and Shape;
For Cloaths made Fashionably well,
Not always can the
Fop conceal:
[Page 11]
"Tho Nature made Mans Brest no Windores,
"To Publish what he does within doors,
As saith Immortal
Hudibras,
Yet one may plainly see an
Ass,
Discern a
Fool, or view a
Prig in
All his accomplisht Modes of
Rigging.
The Motions of the Wandring
Stars,
So talkt of by
Astrologers,
Cannot be more Irregular,
Than were the Mortal motions here;
Some to the
Well advance their pace,
While others in a nameless place,
In privacy demurely scatter
The kind effects of
Mineral Water.
Some to the
Raffling-shop advance,
To see the strange effects of
Chance,
And view the
Sparks with
Spotted-bones,
Lose both their
Wits and
Gold at once;
Whilst others at the
Royal-Oak,
With lift-up Eyes good Luck Invoke.
Much Pleasure sure must needs be had,
To see
Fulls, Halfs, and
Quarters laid,
[Page 12] To see a Town not far from
Dover,
Butter'd with
Megs and
Smelts all over,
It needs must make their Hearts all Merry,
To hear the
Ball Speak
Canterbury.
Others who would cheap Pleasures choose,
To
Coffee-house to Read the
News
Retire, and there devoutly Prate
Of
Luxemburgh and
Catinat,
And talk as briskly of
Commanders,
Who now are at their Posts in
Flanders,
As if in Heats and Colds and Rains,
They'd past together some
Campaigns,
When they had never crost the
Seas,
But in a Map with
Compasses:
While others of Plebean Fashion,
Who thither came for Recreation;
In Arbours closely shaded o're,
With climbing Shrubs and Sycamore,
In mighty State themselves
Regale,
With Fly-Plumb-Cakes and Windy Ale.
Incognito I past along,
Through all the
Male and
Female throng,
[Page 13] Saluted by the Fragrancy
Of
Powder de
Orange,
Jesmine, Pulvil, and something else,
Us'd to correct some worser smells.
Till I arriv'd at Rails which hem in
This famous
Well, where two Old
Women
Do kindly give the
Water Gratis,
(What nothing costs, at under-rate is)
There cooling of their Brains or Blood,
A Knot of Sparks and Ladies stood;
Tho 'tis believ'd upon the Matter,
They better
Coolers knew than
Water.
Some
Doctors too, who gave
Advice,
(Most wonderful) without their
Fees,
Physitians being still of course,
Our
Bodies dearest
Confessors.
The two young
Ladies too were there,
With their old
Gouty Overseer,
Who did more closely watch this
Couple,
Than
Dragon did the
Golden Apple:
As in her Hand with half pint Glass,
The youngest of them Drinking was,
[Page 14] A
Doctor comes with Humble Grin,
Bending his Hams, and stroaking's Chin,
And just against the
Lady plac'd,
Demanded
how her VVaters past:
She (blushing Innocence) asham'd
To hear so
strange an Action Nam'd;
Away with more confusion fled,
Than if she'd seen the
Gorgon's Head,
And 'tis believ'd will come no more;
So Am'rous
Sparks upon that score,
Have lost her
Beauties Influence,
By one
Old Fool's
Impertinence.
The
Musick Plays, and 'tis such
Musick,
As quickly will make me or you
Sick;
Nothing the
Ears so sorely wounds,
As ill scrap't Notes and jarring Sounds;
But they to give the thing a
Grace,
Had got three
Trebles and a
Base,
With which (as
Apes are often seen
To imitate the acts of
Men)
So vainly these pretend to Play
Some Lessons in the
Opera,
[Page 15] But still with much the same Success,
As
Quacks do when they would express
Their Skill in
Drugs, like
Learn'd Physitian,
Or
Sign-post Painters copying
Titian.
'Twas now about the Hour of
Ten,
Precisely just the Minute when
To
VVells the
Hackney-Coaches trot,
As fast as Wasps to Honey-pot.
One brings a Couple newly Married,
As yet in neithers
Love Miscarried,
But
Islington may prove to both
Their Matrimonial
Shibboleth.
For he perhaps in Gazing round,
Has some new
Charming Mistress found,
Whom he does 'fore his Wife prefer,
So leaving
Spouse makes
Love to her,
While she alone in pensive pace,
Walking along so strange a Place,
Is by some
Spark of Dress and Carriage,
Seduc'd from Vows of
Holy Marriage,
Liking his
Modish soft Caresses
Above her Husbands
forc'd Adresses,
[Page 16] And so contrives that very
Morning
A Plot for
Poverty and
Horning.
Another
Hackney-Coach does
Rattle,
Crouded with
Taudry Female Cattle,
Who thither come in hast to meet
Some choice He-friend from
Norfolk-street,
Thence highly to
Oblige their
Pockets,
To go and
Dine with them at
Lockets.
Then in a
Coach as fine as may be,
Comes old Sir
Fumble and his
Lady,
With the
Greensickness thing their
Daughter,
Who thither comes to
Drink the
VVater,
Although 'tis plainly understood,
Something would do her much more good.
Then in
Guilt-Coach with fine Device
Comes in the Spruce Sir
Courtly Nice,
Who is with
Ladies all Men know
The very
Pam at
Lanktraloo;
A petty Chance to some may fall,
But he's the Knave that Picks up all.
To crown the Mornings Work at last,
Come in some Men with seeming hast,
[Page 17] Conducting in with
Dam'd Grimaces,
Six Women with fine
Wainscot Faces,
By which it was not hard to guess,
Th'were
French Men and their
Mistresses,
Who in all places of Resort,
Appear to make their publick Court:
Our
English Breeding they condemn,
For we are
Clowns compar'd with them:
They walk before their
Ladies bare,
To shew their Rev'rence for the Fair,
Tho 'tis Indecent, some Men have said,
All people Love not smell of
Calves Head;
Besides so very loud they Prattle,
That Petticoat
Subburbian Cattle,
Half Drunk at Christnings cannot bray
With half such noise and din as they.
And now the Plot begins to thicken,
For
Sparks with Inclination stricken,
Make Love to every Face they meet,
And all with like Affection treat.
Each
Lady is their
Mistress known,
And every Man their Rival grown;
[Page 18] But did they earnest Love persue,
Heaven knows what Bloodshed might ensue;
That Passion is not in their Power,
They'l triffle with't for half an hour,
And very well the
Ladies know
To what inconstant
God they bow,
So treat with
Railery their Discourse,
And Laugh at all their feign'd
Amours.
'Twas now about the Hour Eleven,
When the bright
Sun, who lookt from
Heaven
Had sure forgot his former Duty,
And 'gan to
Scorch the
Ladies Beauty;
Most to avoid his sawcy Scorching,
To Room design'd for
Dancing, march in,
And seat themselves on several
Benches,
(Like
Soldiers at a
Siege in
Trenches)
Expecting when the
Sparks advance,
To take them out for
Country Dance;
Each by himself with Wonder stares,
And none to take a
Lady dares:
Indians were not surprised more,
To see the
Spaniards on their Shore;
[Page 19] So these spruce
Prigs admire the Sight,
But dare not come to closer Fight.
The
Ladies wondring what the Sight meant,
(As
Women hate a Disappointment)
Went from their Seats, and by their Frowns,
Exprest their Hatred of the
Clowns.
Six hours thus Idly thrown away,
In what was neither Work nor Play,
(Yet'tmust be own'd the Vanity
Had very much Variety)
Musing on what I'de seen and heard,
My Honest Friend
H. N. appeard,
"Come leave, says he,
or I'll Condemnye,
"This Noisy Dressing Academy,
"This place of empty boyish Prattle,
"And go with me and crack a Bottle:
I like't the Motion, and we met
With Glass of Rare in
Grace-Church-Street;
Finding our
Wine was very good
To chear the Heart and warm the Blood,
We staid till Six, and chew'd the
Cud.
FINIS.