OF KINGS AND PRINCES

ALONSO de Valentia, hauing yeelded to Fer­dinando king of Spaine, the Forte of Samora, it pleased the king at his entry therinto, to view the King of Portugall his rich wardrop there: where hauing suruaid a good space, al his roy­all robes and iewels, hee refused in the ende to ransacke it, neither would he bestow any one garment or iew­ell vpon any of his traine: Wherupon a Gallant then standing by, thus said vnto him. Pleaseth your Maiestie, the King of Portugall hath not forborn any rapine that euer he could attaine vnto, either vpon your Graces proper goods, or any of your subiects, and wil your Maiesty then daigne to deale thus ciuilly with him? Whereunto the King answered: All that I desire of my Nephew of Portugall, is but to take away the bad conceipts and opinions of his will, and not the attires of his person.

A Portugall deliuered a Forte to the foresaid Ferdinando, King of Spaine, and being shortly after with the King in other seruice against his Countrimen (who very brauely defended their holde) hee saide vnto him, And it like your Maiestie, I [...]endred you my Forte with halfe this adoe. Yea mary (answe­red the King) and therfore had I rather trust this defendantes sonnes with my Fortes, then yours.

A Portugall Gentleman besought his King of a protection against certaine his enemies, who had vowed his death: The King thereunto condiscended, and gaue it him. Shortly after he came againe vnto the King, and complained to him of the [Page 8] great feare he went in, notwithstanding his protection: where­unto the King answered: From feare I cannot protect you.

The Duke of Nazareth, comming to the Court to doe his dutie to the Emperour in most riche and sumptuous robes, and his liueries most gallant: The Emperess [...] seeing him out at a window, saide: It seemeth that Nazareth comes rather to bee seene of vs, then to see vs.

A Moore-King of Granada, called Chiquito, yeelded the said towne to Ferdinando, King of Spaine vppon composition, and being marched away with his troops a mile or two frō thence made a stande, and from a high hill turned backe to viewe the towne, as his last farewell thereunto: and beholding it, he fell a weeping, & said: Better had I lost my life then so faire a towne. His Mother hereunto answered: You doe well (son) to weepe like a woman, seeing you did not defend it like a man.

A Moore King shewing his Nobles much treasure, and a great heap of iewelles, they all commended his Maiesty for so rich spoiles ouer his enemies. And one amongst the rest saide. And it like your Maiesty, how great a felicity were all this, if a man were to liue euer. The King answered, You haue spo­ken very fondly, for were not men mortall, I had neuer beene a King.

Ferdinando King of Spaine asked Auennamer, a Moore king, his prisoner, how he liued so long, being a man of great yeares. He answered, I neuer stood when I might sit, I married late, I was a widower betimes, and I meane neuer to ma [...]ie more.

Salladine the Moore, that last of all won Ierusalem from the Christians dying, commanded a winding sheet to bee borne in pompe at his funerall vpon the point of a Launce, and a Herald to pronounce aloud these wordes Salladine great Lord of Asia, of all his wealth and glory, only this winding sheete he carri­eth away with him.

Ferdinando King of Spaine made choice of a certaine Gentle­mā, who was not the best of fight, to employ him in an especial [Page 9] affaire, and the Queene bespake the King to choose some fitter person, namely one of a better sight: The King would not, but imployed him, who very happily effected the affaire. Shortly after, the King vsing him in another peece of seruice, it was the Gentlemans chaunce to succeed il therein: Wherupon at his succeslesse returne, the Queene commaunded her Trea­surer to giue him two hundred poundes for his paines. The Treasurer maruelling why her Maiesty was so bountifull to one, whome she so ill conceited, and had so ill deseru'd. The Queene said: As for his former seruice, in that he did it wel, he did it out of kind, but now that he hath failed herein, I tel you, he hath duly done his kind, and fitted my expectation.

Isabell Queene of Spaine, willed a Gentleman to buy her a Nagge of such a proportion, and of such a collour: The Gen­tleman not finding any such, presented her with a most good­ly horse and a mare, but she still demanding the aforesaid Nag, at last he answered. And it like your Maiesty, such a Nag I can not finde, and therefore doe heere present you this horse and mare: May it but please your Grace to bid them engender you such a nagge as you would haue, and I dare say they wil doe it in the best maner.

The aforesaid Queene of Spaine woonted to say, that euery ones good gesture is a letter in his commendation.

Philip the first, King of Spaine, seeing a Faulcon kill an Ea­gle, commanded the head to bee wrong off, saying, Let none presume against his Soueraigne.

The Earle of VVarwicke asked King Henrie the sixt, why it pleased his Maiesty to goe so meanly attyred: The King an­swered, It beseemes a king to excell his Subiects in vertue, not in vesture.

Alonso king of Arragon washing his handes before dinner, deliuered to a Gentleman that stood by a couple of ringes of great value to holde whilst he had done: and after washing not demaunding them againe, it pleased the Gentleman to keepe [Page 10] them as his owne: A ten yeeres after the King washing his hands as before, this Gentleman chanced then to stand by, and proffering to receiue his rings againe: The King knew him, and calling to mind his former villany, deliuered them to an o­ther, and said to him: Nay, soft friend, no moe rings for you till you restore me my first couple.

Alonso King of Arragon vsed to say, that fiue olde thinges pleased him passing well, viz. Olde wood for fewel; an olde horse for easie riding; wine of a yeare olde; olde friendes, and olde books.

An Archdeacon of Ciuill in Spaine, slew a shoomaker, and the shoomakers sonne besought iustice, and he had it thus. viz. That the Archdeacon for penance of the fact, should not say Masse the space of a whole yeare after: This iustice sufficed not the young Shoomaker: but chauncing in the meane time that Pedro King of Spaine came thether in progresse: The Shooma­ker then renued his suit to his Maiestie. Wherupon the Iudge stepped foorth and informed the King how that Iustice was already passed vpon the said Archdeacōn, and told him al how it was. Neuertheles the yong shoomaker mainly importuning his Maiesty for better iustice: at last the King asked him, whe­ther he thought himselfe man ynough to kill the Archdea­con: He answered: Yes: Doe it then said the King. Hereup­on the next day, (being Corpus Christi day) and the Archdeacon passing along in procession amongst the rest of the Clergie: The Shoomaker makes me no more adoe, but rushing vppon his person, stabbes him with his dagger. The King being complained vnto of this fact, and the fellow brought before him: It pleased the King in full notice of all the matter thus to pronounce sentence against him, namely: That in as much as the Archdeacon was pennanced for his foresaid murther, but only not to say Masse of a whole yeare; that in like maner this shoomaker should now not cobble any shooes the space of a whole yeare.

[Page 11] Alfred King of England vsed to say, that it is much safer to take aduise of the dead, then of the liuing, meaning Bookes, which neither for feare, nor yet for flatterie abstaine to tell a trueth.

A Moore-king of Granada vnderstood the Spanish tongue reasonable well▪ and seldome or neuer spake it. Being asked why he refused so to doe when occasion was offered: He an­swered: Because a King ought neither doe nor say any thing, bee it neuer so trifling, which may not beseeme him passing well.

A Queene asking a country Gentleman when his wife was to be brought a bed, he answered: When so euer it shall please your Highnesse to command.

Vpon the first discouery of the Indies, it was discoursed be­fore Isabell Queene of Spaine, that hardly any of her subiectes would be found, that would aduenture so farre and daunge­rous a voyage by sea: The Queene answered: Yes, Fooles and Misers will.

Isabell Queene of Spaine woonted to say, that shee lou'd a life these foure sightes: An armed man in the fielde, a Bishop in Pontificalibus: a Ladie in estate, and a Theefe vppon the gallowes.

Henrie the third, King of Fraunce the very same morning that he had murthered the Duke of Guize in Bloyes, comming to the olde Queene his mother with the newes, and asking her how she liked thereof: She answered: It is well done, (sonne) if it be well done.

Queene Isabell of Spaine abhorred Garlike, and it chaun­ced on a time through the Cookes negligence that a dish of Fish was seru'd to her boorde, all couered ouer with Percely, which had laine among Garlicke: Assoone as the Queene smelt it: she said: A way with that Villaine, see where he is come disguised in greene.

[Page 12]The Emperour Nero hearing that his predecessor Clau­dius was related among the Gods, and knowing that he died of a poysoned Sallade, said: I had not thought that sallades had beene the food of the Gods.

OF NOBLEMEN AND Ambassadors.

DON Iohn first Duke of Medina Sydonia, being aduertisd by his Treasurer that his expences were most excessiue, and his gifts all to liberall; he answered: I will haue the glorie of my house known to the world, not by possessing much trea­sure, but by expending much treasure.

Don Fredericke of Tolledo, Duke of Alua, being besought vnto by a poore widdow Gentlewoman to prefer with his li­berality her daughter in marriage; he was easily inclined so to do: Wherupon he willed his treasurer to giue her an hundred Marks: The Treasurer mistook the Duke, & gaue her an hun­dred poundes: who shortly after comming to giue vp his ac­compts to his L. this hundred pounds came then in sight: wherunto the Duke excepted, and said: Why, I awarded but one one hundred Markes. The Treasurer had then no other shift, but to say, that his eares mistooke his Honors pleasure. Nay, replide the Duke, rather do I thanke God that he hath affoor­ded thee better eares, then me a good tongue, and so he past the accompt for currant.

A plaine Countrey-man came to demaund iustice of the Lord high Constable of Castile, and thus he said. I am come to craue Iustice of your Worship, I beseech your Excellence to dispatch me, for I am a poore man my Lord, and vnlesse your Reuerence fauour my case, I am vtterly vndone: I pray your good Mastership to bee good to mee, and I will truly pray God to blesse your Alteze whiles I liue. The Constable here­at broke foorth a laughing and saide: This poore Swaine will [Page 13] be sure to hit me either high or lowe.

The said Lord Constable of Castile, lying on his death-bed, his Treasurer came vnto him, & besought him to forgiue him the value of xi. hundred pounds, wherof he had defeated him in his former accompts. I doe (said the Constable) and I wish it were twentie millions more, that I might as frely forgiue thee [...]t all, as I pray God to forgiue me all.

The Fortresse of Buitrago by negligence was set on fire, and burnt downe to the ground, the Duke of Infantasgo being therof Lord: The Captaine of the place was the first man that brought the Duke newes of the mischance, beseeching his Al­tez, that seeing it hapned through his meere default, he would seuer his detested head from his shoulders, for an example to all carelesse Captains euer after. Then the Duke asked him whe­ther his nettes and toyles which he had there for Deere, were also perished with the fire; he answered, No my Lord, they are safe: That's well, said the Duke: As for the Fortresse, I tell theeCaptaine, take no care, for I did mean to haue rased it long agoe.

A poore Gentleman of the country had bred vp a horse to the perfection of a daintie good one, in so much that he made accompt to be a great gainer therby, and vpon diligent inqui­rie after a good Copesmate, hee vnderstood that the Duke of Infantasgo would out of doubt giue him more for him than a­ny in all the country besides, so greatly that Duke delighted in choyse of good horses. To him then this Gentleman needes would with his horse, and trauelling on the way, the weather being extreame hot, and the horse no lesse fat and foggie with ouer much former ease, fell downe and died. The Gentleman neuertheles got the horse flayed, and carried the skin to shew the Duke, and said vnto him, Your Honor may iudge by this skin what a goodly horse it was, and God is my Iudge, my L. I was bringing him to offer vnto your Lordship before all o­thers. Gramercy, said the Duke: But tel me, what did you value [Page 14] the horse at. Beleeue me my Lord (he answered) not vnder an hundred pounds could haue bought him of me. With that the Duke commaunded his Treasurer to giue the poore Gentle­man two hundred poundes, and saide vnto him: I giue you these two hundred poundes as a charge, that through your de­fault you neuer suffer any so gallant horse miscarrie any more so mischanceablie vnder your hands.

Sir Thomas Moore woonted to say, that a Lyer as a Lyer re­sembled counterfeit Coyne, and in his other vices is like to light Coyne.

A Pick-thanke told Don Lopez de Haro, that such a one had greatly misused him in tearmes behind his backe, aduising him to reuenge the iniurie highly: Wherunto Don Lopez answe­red: Now I giue God thankes, that though he be able to speak [...]ll of me, yet hath he not the power to hurt me.

The Earle of Vrenia meeting an Archbishoppe in the street, saluted him with all due reuerence: And the Prelate but slightlie resaluted him, touching only his hat brim: Which the Earle noting, stepped to one of his Gentlemen and tolde him: It seemes your Lord is either balde, mangie, or earelesse, that he dares not venture off his hatte, for feare belike to haue it seene.

The Earle of Vrenia being to send a letter to a faire Lady, was desirous to make proofe of the bearers su [...]ficiency, as con­cerning his due performance of the ceremony thereunto be­longing: And he called vnto him a newe page of his and said: Sirra I am to send you foorth with with a letter to a very faire Ladie, let me see how well you can doe your message: imagine that I am she, and heere hold the Letter, and get you gone out at yonder doore, and then come in againe, and l [...]t me heare what you will say: The Page tooke the letter, went foorth, and came in againe, and being come somwhat neere the Earle. he doft his hat, and downd his knee, and kissed the Letter, and gaue it him, saying: Madam▪ my Lord of Vrenia greets your [Page 15] Ladiship, & hath sent you this Letter. The Earle at this instant his hand was in his codpiece, and stood stooping, & thus he an­swered: Welcome my Lad, how fareth my Lady the Coun­tesse? The Page answered: Well & like your Honor▪ And the Earle how fareth his L. what is he now a doing? He answered My Lord is likewise wel (Madam) his hand in his codpeece, all to bescratching somewhat.

A poore Gentleman seldome dined from the Earle of Vre­nia his boord. It chaunced in a forenoone that a tumult arose in the Earles Pallace, the Gentleman not being yet come: but anon after he came (for it was dinner time) Whom the Earle seeing, sayd vnto him: Sir, you are welcome, though resem­bling the Smithes dog, euermore awake at meale, and asleepe at the Anuill.

The Earle of Vrenia asked one that came from the Court, what was reported of him there: Who answered: Neither good nor bad (my Lord) that I could heare: With that the Earle commanded him to be throughly blowe-basted and bea­ten▪ and then afterward gaue him fiftie Duckets, saying: Now maist thou report of Vrenia both good and bad.

An ancient Captaine, whose beard was hoare-white with age, brought word to the Earle of Vrenia how the enemy had surprisd his Forte: Trust me (Captaine) good newes, (answe­red the Earle,) Thou hast lost the [...]ort, and preseru'd the Barba­ [...]ane. Barbacane, signifying in Spanish, a white beard, and also a Blockhouse.

Francisco Symenes Archbishop of Tolledo being deputed high Gouernour ouer Spaine, during the Emperours absence in the lowe Countries; vpon occasion of some seruice, sent for the Earle of Vrenia to come to him to Madryll. The Earle arri­ued as farre as Guadalaiara (which was a two dayes iourney off the Court) and walking there in the Goldsmyths street, chan­ced to cast his eie vpon a curious peece of plate in one of the shoppes, and with that hee stept to it, and viewing it, and [Page 16] liking it well, hee willed the Goldsmith to bring it to his lod­ging. The Goldsmith knew him not, and therefore craued his name. Then the Earle remembring his olde grudge towardes the Archbishop, and taking it in foule scorne to be at his call, answered. Na, na (my friend) it skils not who I am, seeing I am come thus farre.

A Gentleman, neighbour to the Earle of Vrenia in a deere yeare of Corne, besought the Earle to supply his present neces­sity. The Earle was well pleased so to doe, and willed his Secre­torie to drawe a warrant to his Stewarde to measure him out twentie quarters: meane while the Earle stood talking with the Gentleman at a window. At last the Secretorie hauing drawne the warrant, brought it to the Earle to signe: Which he peru­sing, and finding that the words went thus, I will you to deliuer twentie quarters of wheat to Don Pedro de Gusman, wherwith I am willing to pleasure him at this time. He straight tore the warrant, and all to beknau'd the Secretorie, and said: Write that he de­liuer him twenty quarters, for that it pleaseth Don Pedro de Gusman to doe me the honour to accept it.

A Seruitor of the Earle of Vrenia, who was but a poore mans sonne, besought his Lords leaue to goe into the Cuntrey for a time, for as much as his Father had prouided him a wife there. The Earle was content and willed his Chamberlaine to giue him withall a suit of Apparel out of his Wardrop. The seruing man assaying many, and finding none to fit him, in the end the Chamberlaine came and told the Earle of it, whereun­to the Earle answered. Then bid my Treasurer giue him an hundred pounds to buy him one withal. The Treasurer paid it, and he had it.

Isabell Queene of Spaine willed Don Alonzo de Aguilar to entitle himselfe Marques of Pliego ▪ (which was the name of his Manour house:) He answered: That were all one as if your Maiestie would aduise me to marrie my maide.

The Marques of Cenete was woont to say, That to bee [Page 17] rich was not to increase treasure, but to diminish appetites.

Gonzalo Fernandes, a braue Spanish Generall, walking in a Church, heard a Priest loudly praying: To whome hee sayd: Father, what prayer is that you say? Hee answered, the Prime: Straine it not then so high (replyd the General) least you break it: For Prime in Spanish signifieth also a treble Lute string.

Gonzalo Fernandes vsed to passe much by a poore mans dore, who had two very faire daughters: which the poore man per­ceiuing, and conceiuing withall that Gonzalos abusiue loue of his daughters might greatly redound to his reliefe: He came to him, and besought him to help him to some doinges in the Countrey, thinking by such his absence the better to leaue his daughters to Gonzalos lust, and without that the worlde might iustly suspect any his priuity therunto. Gonzalo perceiuing such the poore mans drift & desperation, took cōpassion of his case, & drawing him into an inner roome, gaue him two hundred Crownes in two seuerall bags, saying: I marie wil I (my friend) doe for thee: Hold heere these two bags and be gone; see thou bestow thy daughters presently therwith, and as for thy selfe, I will prouide for thee besides.

Gonzalo Fernandes still vsed to say, that he remayned debtor to none so much as to them, to whom he gaue most: So much he esteemed the honour of his bounty.

The Earle of Cifuentes woonted to say, that Noblemen in times past vsed to cast accompt with their Launces, and now adaies with compters.

Don Diego de Mendoza Earle of Melito, was woont to say, That in the house where is a fountaine, there needeth no Ce­sterne, and the Lord that hath fee ynough, need hoord vp no treasure.

The Earle of Cenete being a verie yoong Gentleman at the siege of Perpenian, ventured close vnder the wall, and darted a Launce into the Castle, and came safe away: Anon after a cou­ple of hors-men salied foorth of the place, and he seeing them [Page 18] would haue ventured to encounter one of them, But his Tutor would not suffer him, but said: Soft Sir, first I will go before & kill one of them, and then come you after and cut off his head: Nay (reply'd the Earle) rather let me goe before and kill one of them, and then come you after and kisse his taile.

The Earle of Lenios awarded Iustice to a Vass [...]ll of his: wherwith the party found himselfe greatly agrieued, & high­ly exclaimed of the Earles iniustice therin, and belike the Earle indeed mistook the matter: Whereupon he sent for the party the next day▪ and sayde vnto him: My friend, thy [...]peeches de­serue laughter, and my errour reformation.

A Duke of Feria was so honourable in his bounties, that he neuer bid his Treasurer any set value to disburse, but thus: Giue such a one fourty or fifty Crownes, 100. or 1 [...]0. pounds: so as the Treasurer rested euermore perplexed how to perform the Dukes pleasure. Wherfore being on a time commanded to giue a certain Gentleman 200. or 250. Crownes, he came to the Duke, to demand his exact ple [...]sure therin: Why pesant (an­swered the Duke) seekst thou to alter my maner of phrase, I tell thee now for good and all, vnderstand alwayes the most of my pleasure, and there an end.

Don Bernardin de Velasco delighted so exceedingly in cros-bowes, that he deputed an especial roome in his house for their safe custody. It chāced on a time, that being to purchase a good­ly manour, & much cuntrey about it in Andaluzia, he had stored vp treasure, to the value of 60000 pounds, which, his Treasurer for more safety had coffered vp, & disposed in the said cros-bow roome, as being the strongest place in all the house. Don Bernardin one day comming thether, to see his cros-bowes, and seeing those coffers there, asked what trumpery it was. The Treasurer answered: Treasure. Treasure (said Velasco) tis trash; away with it, what makes it here to endanger my cros-bowes?

A Constable cōming to arrest a shomaker within his house; the shoomakers wife so well bestirred her, that she brauely be­lamb'd [Page 19] the constable, whiles in the mean time her husband got away: The Constable then came vnto the Duke of Infantasgo & complained vnto him of the battery, and of the shoomakers vviues misusage; alledging that if so scandalous a fact were not very seuerely, & that eftsoones corrected, it would greatly re­dound to his L. disgrace: wherunto the Duke answered: Seeing as thou saist, the disgrace will be mine, I forgiue the shooma­kers wife.

Don Bernardin de B [...]badilia entring into the Earle of Beniuenta his priuy chāber, the Earle did not arise to salute him: Wher­upō al in a chafe he flung out, & said; your L. is good for a vassal

A worshipful Gentleman saying in complement to th'Earle of Vrenia: (I rest euer your Honors poore friend) and with that suce­sing, and adioyning afterward ( and your humble seruiture.) The Earle answered: I had taken you at your first word: viz. for a friend, had you not afterward adioyned seruiture.

A King of Spaine commanded a gallerie to bee built vpon Arches all along a streete from his pallace to Don Inigo Lopez his pallace, and vnderstanding that it was all finished, hee sent a Gentleman of his priuie chamber to goe view the work, and bring him true report therof, and withall to salute in his name Don Inigo Lopez. The Gentleman being arriued there, view'd the work, and did the Kingssalute vnto the Nobleman: who answered: Most humble thankes vnto the Kings salute, and I pray tell his highnesse I am well, and doe rest ready at all his Maiesties employance, only I maruell why it hath pleased his Highnes to daigne so vnnecessary a prop to my strong house.

At the funeral of the King of Hungary, the Emperour Charles passed along in a mourning robe, & the Earle of Nassao bore vp his traine. An officious Gentleman, retainer to the said Earle supposing it no lesse curtesie to doe the like to his Lord, tooke vp his traine, and bore it vp after him a good way: At last the Earle looking backe, espy'd him, and said: Let downe sir foole and be gone in a knaues name.

[Page 20]A Dutchesse was iealious of a faire Gentlewoman, conceip­ting that she vsed some vnlawfull meanes to distray her Duke to her amitie: and in this mind sent for her to murther her. The innocent Gentlewoman suspecting no such daunger, came; and being in the place of death, the Dutchesse regarding her excee­ding rare beautie, dismist her againe, saying: It is thy beautie hath slaine me, and saued thee.

Certaine Ladies comming to visite an honorable person, who was become a Friar, and had left the world, they said: That they greatly meruelled that so high a state as hee would leaue the world, who had alwayes liued most honorably therin and at his hearts ease: He answered: Euen as you say (Ladies) I haue alwayes hetherto bestow'd my fine floure on the world, and now therfore is it meet, that at leastwise I giue my bran vnto my God, if so it please him to accept it.

A widow Gentlewoman in a dearth of corne, came to the Earle of Vrenia, and besought him of his charity to releeue her With that the Earle called his Secretarie vnto him, & bid him draw a warrant to his Bailiffe, to deliuer her so much. The Se­cretarie, whether he mistook his L pleasure, or whether he was willing to vse his owne discretion therein, set downe lesse then the Earles award, namely but xx. bushels; and so brought it to the Earle to signe: Who seeing so small a quantity, as but twentie bushels, was highly displeasd, and blotted it out, and wrote ouer it fiue hundred. Whereat his Secretary seeming greatly to muse, the Earle sayd: Thus hath thy folly made me a more Foole: but goe to, so it shall passe for this once. And hee passed it so.

The Earle of Cabra, being a very valiant Gentleman, ar­ming himselfe on a time to goe skirmishe the enemie, his Gen­tlemen greatly meruelled to see him so tremble and quiuer all the time he was of arming: which the Earl perceiuing, said: See see (Sirs) how basely my flesh quakes to think in what a pecke of troubles my aduenturous hart wil put it in anon.

[Page 21]A Nobleman had his young sonne vp to the Court, who be­ing a delicate youth, the Ladies eyes were neuer off him, negle­cting all other gallants, he being in place: Which the Noble­man perceiuing, said vnto them. Are you so ouer-ioyed with the sight of gre [...]ne barley, that you forget your prouander a­fore you?

Don Bernardino Piementel had his house plentifullie furni­shed with all maner rich and necessarie things: In so much as it pleased the King his Liege to grace it in his progresse time with his suruey: Who when he had view'd it all frō one office to another, in the end he greatly commended him, saying: That he was a good common-wealthes-man: Whereupon a Noble man, this Piementels ill-willer, then by, said vnto the King. And like your Maiestie, there is not the least citie or town in al your land, but is better furnished. True answered Piementell, and yet I assure you (my Lord) not any whit of all this prouision came from your towne of Burgos.

Alauarda in Spanish signifies a Halberd, and Aluarda a pack saddle. A Nobleman willed his Secretarie to write a Letter to a Gentleman a friend of his in Tolledo, for a dozen of Alauardas, viz. Halberds. Now the Secretarie through negligence wrote Aluardas, viz. Pack-saddles: Which the Noble man set his hand to without ere reading it, & so sent it away. The Gentle­man meaning simply bought a dosen of Pack-saddles, and sent them to the Nobleman, according to the contents of his letter: Which being presented to his view, & withal perceiuing by the Gentlemans letter, such the contents of his own, he straight found out his Secretaries errour, whome he presently called vnto him, and gaue him in regard of such his grosse ouersight, one halfe of the pack-saddles, and th'other sixe he reserued to himself, as in respect he was so carelesse, as to set his hand to a letter before ere he red it.

The Marques of Santiliana customed to say, that ceremo­nies are ynough for strangers, but deeds befit friends.

[Page 22]The Marques of Santiliana was a great student, and being on a time merrily reprehended therfore by his illiterate friends, he said: I conuerse better with my books then with you.

The Marques of Comares talking with the President of Cor­dua said vnto him, that the Romaines maintained a rich Com­mon wealth, and but meane houses, and the Spaniards rich hou­ses, and but a hungrie common-wealth.

A Commendador-Maior of Spaine, whose steward was all to miserlie for his thrift, said vnto him: I pray thee N. lesse pro­fite and more honour.

A Noble man hauing many Guestes vpon a time at dinner with him and his bord not very wel furnisht, call'd his steward vnto him and said: Why N. this dinner is like a leaden blade, the point and the pummel soon bent together.

The Earle of Cifuentes being Ambassadour for his Spanish King at the Court of Rome, & being present at a Councel hol­den in the Popes Consistory, at which were present Ambassa­dours from most Christian nations; and a many Cardinals, and the Pope himselfe, and seeing there the French king his chaire placed aboue his Lieges, he push'd it downe with great impa­cience. A Bishop that sate by, rebuking him therfore, and affir­ming that that was no meet time nor place to commit scandals. Tut reuerend father he answered) say you as beseemes a diuine and doe I as fitteth a Gentleman.

A Duke of Florence inuited to his pallace at Rome the Earle of Tendilia, Spaines Ambassadour to Supper, & the Duke wold haue placed him at the vpper end of the boord vnder his cloth of estate; but the Earle greatlie gainsaide it, and refused it. Then the Duke waxing hereat ciuilly angrie, commaunded one of his Gentlemen to bring him foorthwith the keies of his pal­lace, to the end to yeeld them vp to the Earle,

Frances King of France in a Letter that he wrote to the Em­perours Ambassador, endorsed it thus. To th' Ambassadour of Kings, and King of Ambassadours, &c.

[Page 23]Cardinall Saluiates, the Popes Legate in Spaine, at the Em­perour Charles his espousall, being in mery conuersation, said: That Fraunce tasted of pride, Spaine of malice, Italie of wisdom, England of vanity, Portugall of fooles.

OF GENTLEMEN.

A Gentleman asking a Dier, whether he could die his silk stockings of the collour of a womans honesty: Fie, said a Gentlewomā that stood by, what a question is that? Say you fie (repli'd the Gentleman) Beleeue me I had not thought a womans honesty had been of the collour of (Fie.)

A Sodomitical Gentleman walking in a Chu [...]chyard with an other poore Gentleman, whom he greatly disdained, and as­king him where he would be buried when he were dead: The other answered: With you in Sodome.

Isabell Queen of Spaine, saying to a yong gentleman, whose father had before time sustained some iust disgrace at her high­nes hands. I trow N. you wil trimly raise vp your house again, and make vs good amends for your fathers fault. He (being a silly sot) answered Yea, and like your Maiesty, one end of my barne indeed is sore decayed with the last windes, by reason that it stands somewhat high, but my mother hath promised me to be at the charge of that reparation.

A Gentleman sitting at a play, a Marchant by chaunce sate a­fore him, whose hat was so high and broade, that it hindered his view of the play; wherupon he saide vnto him: My good [...]riend, I beseech you doe off your hatte a while, for I assure you it will greatly benefite my eie-sight.

A Spanish Gentleman had a many Moores to his slaues, and in the winter time he kept them cold and bare: A Church-man rebuking such his vncharitie and hard heart, and saying that it was a shame vnto him: He answered▪: Passe they ouer the cold and Ile passe ouer the shame wel ynough.

[Page 24]A Gentleman in regarde of a Gentlewomans rude behaui­our towards him, estranged himself for a season from conuer­sing with her. Whereupon a friend of hers asking him on a time, why hee became so great a straunger to that house, hee answered: Because better is ciuill strangenesse, than rude fa­miliarity.

A Gentleman riding along where sate a many Gentlewo­men at the street doore, an vgly Mastiffe curre flewe at him: Whereupon the Gentleman desirous to view the Gentlewo­men, took this as an occasion to turne back, and said vnto thē: Gentlewoman, this Curre is hell, and all you are heauen.

A Gentleman bespake a paire of shooes of a shoomaker, who at the monthes end brought them him: Whereat the Gentle­man somwhat angry with his so long delay, say'd vnto him: Euē as you came (my friend) so be gone; for I weare not my shooes by your foot, but by mine owne.

On S. Steuens day it is the custome, all horses to be let bloud and drench'd. A Gentleman being that morning demaunded whether it pleased him to haue his horse let bloud and drencht according to the fashion. He answered: No sirra, my horse is not diseasd of the fashions.

A young Gentleman said vnto an olde Gentleman (who was but his equal both in linage, & liuing, and all other respects onely age excepted) Sir I beseech you let mee kisse your reue­rend hand. Th'other was content, and offered it him to kisse: But the young Gentleman, seeing such his vanitie, only shooke him by the hand, and said: Good faith Sir, you and I against any other two.

A poore Gentleman that for wealths sake had maried a rich pesants daughter, compared such his mariage to a pudding, whereinto hee had put the bloud, and his Father in law the Chibbols.

A Ge [...]tleman came hungry home, and called for dinner, and his man answered: That it was but new stroken tenne. Tut [Page 25] (said the Gentleman) tellest thou me of ten by the clocke, being twelue by my stomacke?

A poore Gentleman dying, had three faire haukes, which he thus disposed of: viz. Th'one to be sold for the benefit of his soule; th'other for the discharge of certain dribling debts; and the third to remaine to his sonne, whome he made his Execu­tor. This good Executor within a while after missing one of the hawkes, sayd: So wel fare thy heart (hawke) be thou gone for my fathers soule.

A Gentleman being releast out of prison, the porter at par­ting demanded his fee, and the Gentleman gaue him but a common prisoners fee, viz. three pence: Wherunto the Porter ex­cepting, and challenging sixe pence. The Gentleman shaming belike to haue been prisoner for so foule a matter: answered: I am content thou take me for a pesant for this once.

A very ciuill Gentleman walking in conuersation with o­ther his companions, stayd talking by the way with a plaine Cuntryman, who met him, and deliuered him a letter: And be­cause his parly was somewhat long, th'others were disconten­ted and walk'd on afore, leauing him behind, who at last ouer­taking them, said: Gentlemen, it is no lesse honourable to an­swere an inferiour, then to comply with an equall.

A yoong Gentleman that had followed the warres, com­plained when he came home of the Sciatica: And being asked how he came by that ache, he answered: By lying in franke te­nements, viz. Vpon the bare earth.

One asking a Gentleman his acquaintance what good hor­ses he had, he answered: As stately a one as euer you saw. Th'o­ther then desirous to see it, to the stable they went; where when they came, a piteous poore iade it was (God wot) of pure skin and bone But looking still about for the foresaid stately horse, and not seeing any such there, he maruelled, and often asked where he was become. Then th'other answered: Why loe heer where he standes (pointing to the poore lade) I warrant [Page 26] yee (quoth he) that he goes not aboue halfe a mile an houre to dy for it, and can you haue a statelier horse then so?

A Gentleman seeing his man gallop a horse ilfauoredly, said vnto him: I assure thee (N.) thou doest not a whit discr [...]dit thy mother: The seruing man asking him how so Mary (quoth he) because when one doth a thing passing wel & with a good grace (as now thou doest) I haue hard it often said: The whor­son hath done it passing wel.

A Nobleman came to the Courte with a gallant traine of golde-chaines after him: And one of his Gentlemen being as­ked how it chanced that he had ne'r a chaine as wel as the rest: He answered: I doe not gnawe.

A vertuous Gentleman seeing a malicious person looke downe on the ground, and continue gazing thereon a good space, said: Questionlesse either some mischiefe is befallen yon­der man, or some good to some other body.

A Gentleman that had been to see the Peake, trauelling the same day homeward again, alighted that night in an In: where, when hee was to goe to bed, a bonny-Lasse stepped into his chamber and offred him her seruice all night: Hee seeing her impudence, answered: I lift not (wench) to enter into the Peake twise in twelue houres: and so dismist her.

A Gentleman put out his mule to a Horse-courser to break and bid him make it a widdow-mule: The horse-courser mar­uelling at such a tearme, demanded his meaning therein. Mary (sayd the Gentleman) a widdow hath these three good proper­ties: she is fat, she feeds well, and she goes well, such a one would I haue you make my mule.

M. William Goring of Sussex had left him by Sir Henrie his fa­ther a chest of treasure so close pyl'd vp together, that hard it was to finger out any one peece, much les [...]e to gripe out any. This Gentleman hauing lost the key of that chest, offered a lock-smith in bargaine for a new, eyther to take his full gripe of mony out of it, at the opening therof; or els to stand to the [Page 27] bare price of his key. The Smith chose rather th' aduenture of his gripe: Whichwhen it came to passe, & that withal the iniu­rie he did vnto his fingers, he could neither gripe, nor pick out any one peece: At last hee was faine to stand to the Gentlemans curtesie, who like a Gentleman requited his auarice with farre more bounty then the key was worth.

An Officer whose daughter was detected of dishonestie, and generally so reported, vpbraided a gentleman that his bro­ther was a Papist, & therfore he himselfe haply not much bet­ter. The Gent. hereunto answered: Aswell may an honest man haue a knaue to his brother, as an errāt whore to his daughter

A Gentleman accompanying on the way a great Commenda­dor of Spaine, who wore a huge chaine about his necke, with a great S. Iames hanging downe his breast before; at parting this Gent. horse was so vnweldy, that he could not easily rule him, but still he [...]risked and carabetted & crost the Commendador on the way: Wherupon the Commendador asking him, what his horse ayled, he answered: And like your Honour, he is like a Hackney iade, which wheresoeuer it sees a signe hang out, thinks strait it is an In, & will not passe it to die. So is it with my horse, and your Honours habit about your necke.

Two Gentlemen were at factions with one an other, & the one of thē sent his trusty seruant to an old Gent. his neighbor, to sollicit his partiality on his behalf: Wherunto the old Gent. made this answere, that he for his part, was rather sorie of their mutuall enmities (being both his very good neighbors) thē that he would any waies be a party therin, other then in way to at­tone them to his power, & make them good friendes againe. The seruing-man deliuering this answere to his maister: The Gentleman all in a snuffe said: What an old foole is he, that will be angry with no body.

A Gent conuersing merrily among a many Gentlewomen, they said vnto him: Ware you speak no more such follies, for feare we bind you, he answered: Being your selues all loose wil you bind me?

[Page 28]A Spanish Gentleman was buying of Porke, and another that was not a Gentleman, but so seemed, came and cheapened it of the butcher, as though he meant to buy it out of th' others hand: Wherat the Gentleman half angry, said vnto him. Well seeing you come to cheapen my porke, Ile (sure) one of these dayes come cheapen your pease.

A poore Gentleman and a rich Cormougeon being at chol­lericke tearmes with one another, the Churle [...]ware that hee was as good a Gentleman as he. Euen so (repli'd the gent [...]eman) then I assure thee, I am the veriest pesant in the world:

A pick-thanke was telling a vertuous Gentleman, howe such a one spake ill of him behind his back in the presence of a great many Of a great many? (answered the gētleman) Beleue me, so I had rather one should say ill of mee before many, then many before one.

One told a Gentleman that his men tatled much disgrace of him behinde his backe He answered: Let them tattle what they list, and doe I what I list.

A Gentleman hearing theeues in the night time scaling his neighbours house, sayd: Harke how yonder poultry mount vp to their pearches.

A Gentleman of Tolledo hauing a peece of riche Taffeta brought him from a friend of his out of India, sent for a Mar­chant to buy it of him: Who seeing it, and liking it well▪ tolde the gentleman, that if it pleased him to take saffron in exchange for it, he would gladly rid him of it: Wherunto the gentleman answered: Gramercy (my good friend) But know you not that my L. Cardinals grace is at this day Inquisitor general ouer all Spaine? Goe but to him, and obtaine of his Grace, that whereas Saffron is now most vsde in fry'd meates, he to en [...]oine all men to vse it hereafter in boil'd meats; and this being once granted and proclaimed, then come to mee againe, and I will shew you more of my mind.

One saying to a Gentleman: Sir, me thinks you haue built [Page 29] your house wel for Summer, but not for winter: He answered: Belike you thinke I haue lesse wit then wilde geese, that cannot shift my abode with euery season.

There was a certaine poore Gentleman, who, in regard of his pouerty, euery one thowed, and not any vouchsafed him the title of Mastership: Wherupon one that noted it said: This argueth that neither God nor the K. euer created mastership.

One asking a Gentleman what he thought of one that was newly taken in adultery: He answered: Taken tarde.

OF GALLANTS AND VPSTARTS.

A Presumptuous gallant besought the King of Spaine in a merim [...]nt to make him his Secretary; The King answe­red▪ that hee was already prouided of a su [...]ficient one. Yea, well I wot (reply'd the gallant) your Mai [...]sty hath a Secre­tary indeed, but he can speake no Latine, which is a foule de­fault. The Secretary standing by, then answered. But it is a grea­ter shame not to speake good Spanish.

Emanuell King of Portugall being to ride a hunting, willed his Steward to prouide him dinn [...]r in a banquetting house, which he had in the forrest, and that it should consist onely of such meats as had no bloud in them. viz. Sallades and fruites altogether. A Gallant ouerhearing such the Kinges encharge, stepped straight to a Gentleman his companion by, & drawing out his sword, presented it to the King, and sayd: It may then please your Maiesty to taste hereof, for by Iesus it neuer yet drew bloud of any and in it selfe the deu'll a whit it hath.

A merie Gentleman seeing a Gallant that was bound for the Indies walke the streets, his hat al-a fl [...]unt, and befeathered with all kind of colloured plumes, saide: When a Gods name will this Woodcocke flie, [...]or well I see he hath all his [...]ethers about him.

One that had layn first with the mother, and then afterward [Page 30] with the daughter, asked a Ruffian mate, what that fact might resemble; who answered: All one, as if you should eate the hen first, and the chickin after.

A Spanish Hidalgo vsed to say, that in a case of brabble be­tweene king Phillip and him, hee might with more right giue the King the lie, the the King giue it him, because he himselfe is a pure Spaniard, and the King but an Ostrich.

A gallant vsed to say: Trauelling on the way, let me alwaies lie in a house where I may call my Host Knaue, and my Ho­stesse whore, viz. in an Inne.

A Gallant was brought before a merrie Recorder of Lon­don for getting a maid with childe, and the Recorder said: It is a maruel (master N.) that you being a Gentleman of good qua­lity, would venture to get maides with child: The Gentleman answered: Nay rather were it a maruell, if a maide had gotten me with child.

A Gallant entred into a young Noblemans chamber whiles he was a trimming, and said: What meanes your L. to haue to doe with this pack saddle groom? The barber answered: True (my Lord) for such a saddle indeed did I once make for his fa­ther.

A Gallant bosted himselfe of much Worship and Gentrie in a place where he was not knowne: and it chaunced that hee and his Taylor squared about a bill of accompt, and he highlie vaunting his worship to the Tayler, sayde: Why Pesant, it seems, thou knowst not what Gentry means: Tel me, what is it? The Tailer answered, Yes, to be borne a hundred miles hence.

A poore creature beg'd almes of a Gallant, who gaue him a Tester. With that the begger said, that he would pray to god most truly for him. No (answered the Gallant) I pray thee pray for thy selfe, for I take no Almes-vsurie.

A young Master that had wasted a goodly inheritance in a verie short space, one said in mockage of him: Wheras earth v­seth to cōsume al other men, this Gallant hath consumed earth.

[Page 31]A Portugall and a Spaniard fought, and by means of friends they were parted, and almost made friends. Then the Portugall said: I am contēt (sirs) at your earnest entreaties to let the villain liue, but as (I am a Gentleman,) Ile haue one limme or other of him, as a badge of my victorie.

A vaine Gallant ranne his head by chaunce against ano­thers bellie, and the companie asking this other how he felt his bellie, he answered: Well, for a wind-bladder neuer giues great blowe.

An vnthrifty youth being brought to the last cast, challen­ged in th' Arches a certaine rich Citizens daughter to wife, af­firming, that they were at such a time, and in such a place con­tracted together. Then the Iudge asked him, whether the mariage were neuer since consummated, yea or no? With that steps mee foorth the Maides Procter, and said: Yes (sir) his li­uing is long agoe.

Two companions went to a wenching house, and the Lasse was not yet come according to appointment: wherupon one of them began in the meane time to conceipt the olde Vicca­reste of that h [...]l, there present. Which th'other seeing, said vn­to him: Are you so hungrie that you will eat vp the halter be­fore the hay come.

A Gallant seeing himselfe worshipped at euery word in all places where he came, said vnto his hostesse that so beworshipt him: I pray thee hostesse, worship me no worships, would my worship were hang'd.

One asking a gallant where he lay anights, he answered: My lodging is like the point of a sagbot, that stil goes with the eie.

A yoong Maister was new come to his liuing, and his mo­ther blaming his vnthriftines, all in a pelting chafe he sayd vn­to her: Fayth (mother) taunt me so but once more, & for spight Ile sell ye all the land and liuing I haue. So may you doe well, Sonn (answered his mother,) yea and if you should sell it all but for sixe pence, yet should you be no looser therby, for it neuer cost you groate.

[Page 32]A presumptuous Gallant prickt vp vpon the Spanish Court gate a Tilt-challenge against all commers: A Lady asking her Paramour whether he would subscribe therunto, He answe­red: No (Madam) no firme of mine, for, so fantasticall a body admits no impression, viz. Encounter.

An vpstart Gallant being determined to seeme the Gentle­man, bought him halfe a dosen faire sutes of apparell, and put­ting on the first day of his brauery a faire large veluet cloake, he look'd about him, and said: Me thinks this cloake stands no­thing hansome vpon me: True (said a Gentleman that stood by) you may therfore doe well to begin with Taffeta first, and then fall to your veluet afterward.

A gallant was a boasting that he feared neither poxe nor plague: And an other adioyn'd, Nor God.

One commending an others huge strength, said: That if the world had an iron ring at it, he would lift it vp all.

A Gallant threatned one, saying: If thou offende me, Ile throw thee so high into the Element, that rather mayst thou feare famishing, then falling.

A Parish in the west Country called Lent was by fortune set on fire: and by chance a good fellow passing by at the same time, and seeing it, asked the Parishes name: They answered, Lent: Lent (quoth he) I pray ye then in with Fridayes and Sater­dayes to, that the fire may consume them altogether.

CORONELS AND CAPTAINES.

MOnsieur de Aubenie last Generall of the French forces in the Kingdome of Naples, being, what by conquest, and what by composition, to yeelde vp to Spaine, the last townes and holdes that he there held for his Liege▪ It pleased Gonzalo Fernandes the Spanish Generall to be so honorable, as af­ter much Festiuitie extended vnto him at his surrender, to fur­n [...]sh also his decayed armie with principal good horses to pack [Page 33] away: But Monsieur d' Aubenie rather regarding the pride of his mind, then the curtesie of the Spanish Generall, told him at par­ting, that he had done very vnaduisedly, to mount his men so brauely away, in as much as vpon the same horses hee might chaunce to see him and them shortly againe in those partes, in as hostill maner as euer before. You shall be welcome (answe­red Gonzales) whensoeuer you come, neither shal you euer find Spaine lesse honourable then now.

One Pedrarias a Portugall in a battell that hee fought against Spaine, took prisoners a many Gentlemen and Artizans of Tol­ledo, and hauing occasion the morrow after to make a Trench & a vault vnder ground at a place called Pannionrostro, he asked them all seuerally, whether they were Gentlemen or Artizans: And such as said they were Artizans, hee imployed them in the work, saying: Why would you leaue your trades? And the Gentlemen he dismist, saying: You did but your duties to come to the warres.

Gonzalo Fernandes vsde to say: That souldiors in peace, are like chimneyes in Summer.

The saide Generall woonted to say: If thy enemy fly, make him a golden bridge.

The saide Gonzalo Fernandes marching on a time to bid the French-men battell, chanced to stumble and fall: Whereat his Army seeming dismay'd, at rising vp he said vnto them: Why (sirs) this is no worse then that the ground embraceth mee for ioy.

Diego Garcia Paredez saying to Gonzalo Fernandes: May it please your Honor to auoid that dangerous place, seeing how sore the enemie playes vpon it: He answered. Since God hath put no feare into your heart, put you none into mine.

Don Pedro Gonzales seeing his Liege at the battel of Aliube­roto in danger to be slain, alighted frō off his horse, & mounted the King theron, and foretir'd him safe away. Which after he had done, & placed him in assured safty, he wold haue returned [Page 34] backe againe to the battell, but the King would not suffer him. Pardon me my Liege then he said: I will goe. Neuer shall the women of Guadalasara say, that I train'd out their sonnes and husbands to the warres, and haue left them dead in the field, & am my selfe safe returned home.

A Spanish Captaine was sent to skirmish a multitude of ene­mies with a few men: And of those [...]ew he tooke but the one halfe, saying: Better yet a few die then all.

Chatillion, L. Admirall of France hauing giuen the Guizians a great ouerthrow in a vale, was himselfe suddenlie set vpon by a troope of enemies from a hill: Yet notwithstanding retreating his scattered Armie to saftie with the losse of only some few, he said by the way: I thought yonder mountaine cloude would at last redownd to a shoure of raine.

The King of Spaine commanded the braue Castle of Monti­lia for the lords treason to be rased to the ground: And it chan­ced, that as the ruine was a doing, the vnexpected fall of a tur­ret slew fifty persons. Gonzalo Fernandes hearing of it, said: Oh what a destruction (trowe yee) would Montilia haue made a­mongst her enemies, had it been suffred to liue, that dying hath slaine so many of her foes.

Fernando Gonzales seeing one of his souldiours a selling his horse, ask'd him why he sould him: The Souldiour answered: Because (my Lord) his fashion is to giue backe at the sight of ar­mour. I marueile much (reply'd Gonzales) that you will sel him for the same qualitie you bought him for.

Gonzalo Fernandes being to bid the enemy battel, it fortuned that certaine barrels of powder were set on fire, wherwith the Armie was superstitiously dismai'd: which he perceiuing, said: (Sirs,) this is the bonfire of our victory.

A Souldiour came and told his Captaine, that hee thought such a Fortresse of the enemy might be wonne onely with the losse of some few men: Whereunto the Captaine answered: But will you be one of those few?

[Page 35]A couetous Captaine, whose name was Leonard Robiny, his Souldiours in derision, called him Captaine Rob-pennie.

A gallant Captaine leading his men foorth to seruice, & see­ing them halfe amaz'd at the ouer multitudes of th'enemy, said: Why, (Sirs) did heauen fall, wee would (I trowe) support it with our manly Armes.

An Italian Captaine seeing fire giuen to a Canon in th'e­nemies Fort toward his quarter, prostrated himselfe vpon the ground, and said: He that feares not thee, feares not God.

The Castle of Endouen in Brabant being surpriz'd by night▪ by the States souldiours, the Captaine thereof being an Italian, was then a bed with his wench: To whome his Lieutenant came, and said: Vp and fight (Captaine) or saue your selfe, for th'enemie is within the walles He answered. You and the rest fight there, for I haue as much as I can turne me to heere: Anon a [...]ter came one of his Sergeants, and said: Captain, vp and away, th'enemie preuailes: He answered: I, now I come, my launce is in the rest: At last came rushing in his Ancient, and said: Cap­taine, your collours are lost, and the Castle tane: He answered: Yet haue I broken my Launce, what will you more? Then last of all rusht in th'enemie into his chamber, & would haue [...]laine him: With that he kist his whore, and said vnto them: Oh Sirs, Bon guerre, bon guerre, see heere Bon guerre.

An Italian Captain in the Low-Cuntries leading his men to skirmish th'enemie: thus heathenlie encouraged them saying: (Sirs) remembring the Anticke honour of our Romaine nation, fight so: and as for your sinnes, if you die, know ye there is no God. So said, he fought, and was the first man was slaine. Good Reader, detest this and honour Gods iudgement therin.

OF SOVLDIOVRS.

A Captaine and a souldiour fought a combate, and the Cap­taine hurte the souldiour in the Arme. So as downe [Page 36] fel his sword from out his hand, he resting at the Captains mer­cy. Then the Captain saying: Now yeeld (villaine) or die. Is it as I list (answered the Souldiour) know ye then, that though my Arme now failes me to fight, yet my courage serues me wel to die.

Amongst a many Portugalles that went to giue the Moores a Camesado by night a Spaniard marched amongst them, and he speaking somwhat loud, contrary to their proclaimed silence: a Portugal shent him therfore, saying: By your Spanish speech the Moores will thinke wee be all Spaniards, and then (before God) will they kill euery mothers child of vs.

A Portugall souldiour marching in a troope of Spaniardes a­gainst the Moores vnarm'd & weaponlesse, one asked him why he was no better furnished: He answered: Mary because ther are as valiant men at foot, as at Armes.

A Spaniard at the entry of the breach of Mastricht (a Flaun­ders town) seeing at a corner house, as he ran along to the spoile, an Image of the Virgin Marie broken and all defaced, bow'd downe his knee to the ground, and vow'd that before he pas­sed that street he would kill seuen Dutch men in despite of the seuen deadly sinnes, and an eight in reuenge of that sacriledge done to the said Image of our Lady, and he did so.

A Spanish souldiours match in Flanders, not taking fire so presently as he would, said: Gogs Nouns, this Lutherane fyre re­fuseth to light my Catholike match, for feare (belike) least it shuld kill some thousand Dutch Lutheranes.

A crue of Souldiours beg'd of a Gentleman as hee rode on the way, and he answered: Faith (Sirs) I doe not vse to giue ta­kers any thing. They neuerthelesse still importuning him and one of them, saying: Happely your Worship hath sometimes beene a Marshal man your selfe (for so you seem,) and therfore we hope you wil not be vnkind to poore Souldiors in distresse. No trust me (answered the Gentleman) I neuer was Souldiour in all my life and yet (I hope in God) I am an honest man neuer­theles.

[Page 37]A cowardly Gallant went forth with his company to com­bate the Moores, and the Moores won the field: Home then re­turned the run-away suruiuors, and brought their Generall word of al a la mort. Amongst whom this Gallant was missing; and not being heard of, was thought to have been slaine. Nay I warrant you (said an olde woman ther present) he is liuing, for well ye wot, Moores eat no Hares flesh.

A Gallego of Spaine went to the warres, and was shot with an arrowe into the head. The Surgeon searching the wound, said, that he could not possibly liue, for that the arrow had pierst his braine. The Gallego answered: That can not be, for I haue no braine at all; had I had braines, I trow I had neuer come to the warres.

At the siege of Barcelona, a Portugall horsman entred pelle melle, in th'enemies throng into the towne gate, and wrote with a chalke within the gate: Hetherto aduentured Vasco Fer­nandes. The next day a Spaniard hearing him boast thereof, was no lesse aduenturous, and brauely hazarded himselfe the next skirmish, in at the same gate, and wrote with a cole beyond his: Hetherto Vasco Fernandes did not aduenture.

A valiant Souldiour being demaunded how many men he durst encounter withall at once, answered: If he be an honest man, one is ynough, if villaines, a whole street-full.

A nouice souldiour putting on his first harnesse, trembled, and said: Now that I see my selfe in Armes, I am afraide of my selfe.

A young souldiour brought from the warres a great skarre in his face, and chancing on a time to meet an olde Souldiour, that had as great a skar in the face as he, he stood gazing there­vpon a good while: Then th'other asking him why he did so: He answered: I am sure I am vp, but you haue wonne it by the elder hand.

A souldiour that had a piteous mangled face brought his garment to a Tayler to mend: The Tayler gazing earnestly on [Page 38] his face, at last said: You had more need bee newe made, then mended.

An Italian souldiour at the siege of Bergaine op Zome in Bra­bant, prostrated himselfe on the ground, at the sight of a Ca­non shot, and said. Not bow to thee, not bow to God.

A souldiour that in his mirth was most gracious, and in his rage intollerable: One said, that he was like a Quince that helps disgestion wel, and yet is it selfe hard to disgest.

A Spanish Officer brauing an English Gentleman that seru'd his king in the Lowe countries, and saying: My Liege giues thee bread to eate: els might'st thou starue wel ynough: He an­swered: Your King indeed aduentures his purse for mee, but I my Princesse displeasure, and my life for him.

One preferred warres before peace, and his reason was, Be­cause that in warres the fathers burie their sonnes, but in peace the sonnes their fathers.

A souldiour was a telling how that in a battell in which he was, th'enemies Arrowes were so infinite in the aire, that they darkened the sunne ouer them: Wherunto an other answered: Then had you the ods, to fight with them in the shade.

In a plaine all couered ouer with snow, a Captaine seeing a souldiour march in his doublet and hose with a pike on his shoulder all in a sweat, ask'd him how in so cold a day as that, & but in a thin doublet and hose he could possibly sweat so: The souldiour answered: Marie (Captaine) if you carried all your goods vpon your back at once, as I doe, I warrant you, you would sweat as well as I.

OF CHALLENGES AND Combates.

A Gentleman reading a letter of defiance, wherin he was challenged the field, his page holding the candle vnto him whilest he read it, & snuffing it, chanced to put it out. [Page 39] Sirra (then said the Gentleman) light the candle again quicklie, for I tell thee (boy) this letter comes not to put out candles, but to kill God a mercy on his soule.

Fernando Gonzales appointed twelue Spanish souldiours to combate so many other French men hand to hand; and it fell out that the combate ended with equall honour to both nati­ons: Whereupon Gonzales saide; I sent my Spaniardes foorth for better men.

In Spaine single combate is not allowed, but betweene per­sons of like bloud and linage: A Spanish Gentleman hauing a quarrell with another not his equall, sent him a challenge thus: I, N. doe acknowledge my selfe as base a villaine as thou thy selfe; and therfore, see thou meet me to morrow at such a place.

A Spanish souldiour challenged an Italian Gentleman to the field: Wherunto the Italian excepted, as in respect he was his better; neuertheles (he said) I haue a boy that shall fight with thee in the right of my quarrell, where er'e thou darest to ap­point: The Spaniard herunto thus answered: Let that boy come, for boy, or base how er'e he be, I will accompt him thy better.

It was vpbraided to one that he turn'd his back to his ene­mie, and ranne away: He answered: No, I did but trauerse my ground in the fury of my spirits.

A Gentleman, who was none of the wisest, was deputed iudge in iest, of a Iuste betweene two other Gentlemen: And one saying vnto him; (Sir) how thinke you of this last course, hath not Master N. lost his Launce? meaning that hee had not countercrusht it vpon his aduersarie: Whereunto he answe­red: If maister N. haue lost his Launce, let him seeke it out a­gaine.

A gowtie Gentleman challenged to run with one for a wa­ger: What wager (said th'other?) He answered: For humours.

An old Gentleman being a hunting, lost one of his Beagles, and vnderstanding that such a young Gallant had taken it vp, [Page 40] sent to him to demand it: which the youth refusing to deliuer, the next day, he sent him a challenge to the field. But the yong gentleman return'd him this answer: That in regard of his weak old age, he would not so much distaine his vigorous youth, as to encounter him in Armes. Whereunto the olde Gentleman replyed: That notwithstanding that he was a yong boy indeed, yet was it vngratefully done of him, in that hee did not at least­wise daigne to thank him for such proffered spurres, how euer he durst or listed not to accept them, being offred to such his in­fant yeares of vndesert.

TRAVAYLERS BY LAND and Sea.

A Trauelling Gentleman being return'd home out of Italy discoursed to a friend of his a very vnlikely accident that had befallen him by the way. Wherat his page standing by, said: I beseech your worship giue me leaue to beleeue it.

In a common betweene two Alehouses stood a faire stone crosse, and two Gentlemen riding by it, the one of them saide: See where stands a crosse betweene two Theeues. One of the Alehouse, hostes ouer-hearing him say so, was all in a pel­ting chafe, and fouly taunted the Gentleman therefore: Who answered: Why (my friend) thou art the good theefe.

Two Trauaylers met together at an Inne, and a fat Capon was seru'd vp to their boord: At dinner time one asked th'o­ther, whether he had a father liuing or no: Hee answered, no: And withall told him a long discourse how, and where, and howe long since his father died: Meane time th'other eate vp the best of all the Capon: Which the tale-teller at last percei­uing, halfe angry, said vnto him: Now that you haue heard the discourse of my fathers death: I pray you tell me, haue you also er'e a father liuing: He answered: No▪ Now I pray you then tell mee (quoth th'other) how hee died: Hee very earnest at his [Page 41] vittailes, briefly answered: Suddainly, very suddainly.

A Mastiffe dog flue vpon a passenger, and he with the pike of his staffe ran him into the guttes, and kill'd him: The owner of the dog hereupon commnc'd his action against the par [...]ie: And the matter being brought to the vpshot, the Iudge asked him, why he did not rather strike the dog with the wood end of the staffe, then with the pike: he answered: And like your Honor, he flue at me with his teeth, not with his taile.

Don Iohn de Figueroa vsed to say: That he that euermore al­leadgeth in his conuersation other mens sayings, is like a gow­ty naile, that cannot enter the wood, except an augar make the way before.

A trauayler meeting a countrey man, asked him the way to such a place: The countrey man told him, & withall brought him partly on his way, and as they rode together, he tooke ex­ceptions to the Trauailers bag, which he wore sagging down his belly before, and said: It is the maner of this country to wear bags at our sides, not vpon our bellies, as you doe. Wherunto the trauailer answered: I weare it thus, because I suppose there are a many theeues in this country.

An olde man trauelling to a farre country, and being some eight or nine dayes iourney on his way, all hot and pursie as he was, wrot a letter to his wife, in which he said. As for my health (wife) I am well (I thanke God) hetherto, only I find my breath somewhat short, in so much as I dare assure me, if euer I die, it will be for want of breath, and nothing els.

A water-man feried a Gentleman ouer a riuer, who was booted and spurt'd, and went to take horse on th'other side the water; to whō the Gentleman said: How chanceth it (my friend) that thou work'st this day, being Ascention day? he answered: It seems (sir) your Worship meanes to ride to day.

An Hostler taking a Gentlemans bootes downe to make cleane: The Gentleman said vnto him. I pray thee (fellow) let my boots alone, for th'old durt will serue to keep out the n [...]w.

[Page 42]Two Trauailers scoorst horses with one another, & when they had done, th'one of them said: Now at a word, you haue as errant a iade as euer went on foure legs: for he is foundred he hath the scratches, he is broken winded, &c. Th'other an­swered: Then haue I but mine owne againe.

One trauayling on a frosty morning through a countrey village, was set vpon by a greate Mastiffe: Hee stooping for a stone to throw at him, and feeling it hard frozen to the earth, said: A poxe on the countrey where stones are ty'd, and dogs let loose.

A plaine Gentleman riding vpon a leane large horse, a Gal­lant that met him, ask'd him what a yarde of his horse was woorth: With that he bid his man alight, and lift vp his horse taile vnto him, and then he answered. Enter into the shop, and they within will shew you.

A Trauailer affirming that he saw a cole-wort so monstrous huge that 500. men on hors-backe might stand in her shade. An other answered: And I for my part did once see a Chaldron so wide, that 300. men wrought therin, euery one distant twenty yardes from other. Then the Colewoort-lyar asked him, to what vse that Chaldron was made: he answered. To seeth your Colewoort in.

A Trauailer vsd to tel monstrous lyes of his iourneyes, and of the places and things he had seene. And being one day in con­uersation with many Gent. & bosting that he had seen these & these places: One of them said vnto him: Belike you are seen in Cosmography: No (he answered) I neuer was in that City yet, but indeed I remember I once trauailed in sight of it, leauing it somwhat on the left hand, but such was my hast, that I ouerpast it, as I haue done many a faire citie more in my dayes.

One accompaned another many daies together about his affaires, and finding himself not duly comply'd withal for such his curtesie, vpbraided him with his foresaid trauaile: Where­unto th'other answered. As much went I with you, as you with me.

[Page 43]One that had been whipt at a carts taile for a misdemeanure fled his country for verie shame, and embark'd away to an ob­scure Iland in the sea, where he spent the remainder of his life: And walking one day in the high street of the towne, where he remained, hee chanced to see a poore fellowe whipt at a Carts taile along the street, and in compassion of his case, hee said: Lord, how can this poor soule endure al this whipping cheere▪ By chance one that stood by, & knew his foresaid correction at home in his own country, answered. Euen (as a man would say) as well as he that had abidden the like whipping cheer before.

Don Iuan de Vrbina vsed to say: That such as report newes of strange countries, are like vagabonds, whose garmentes con­sist rather of patches, then of anie principall peece.

A poore young Gentleman carrying his dumb old mother before him vpon a Mu [...]e; the Duke of Nazareth ouertook him on the way, and he thinking it good maners to beare the Duke companie, the rather because hee had a Gentlewoman before him, offred to presse neere him, to th'end to ride cheek by iowle by him: His olde mother being more considerate, and seeing his follie, spurn'd the Mule as hard as shee could out of the waye: But the wisacre her sonne seeing her do so, thought that she did it to hasten the rather neer vnto the Duke: wherupon he in that conceit set spurres to the Mule [...]o fiercelie, that the Mule wax'd stark mad withall, and in his furie ran into a ditch, where (in the Dukes sight) he threw them both downe, viz. the mother vn­dermost with all her cloathes about her eares, and her son vpon her, and the Mule vpon them both.

Gonzalo Fernandes arriuing safe a shore in Spaine after a great tempest, and looking backe to the sea, hee espied an other ship tending to the same shore, and vpon the poop of it a gallant clad all in crimson Veluet: Whereupon Don Diego de Mendoza, asking him who he thought that might be: Hee answered: It is Santelmus, who neuer appeareth but after a tempest.

[Page 44]In a perillous storm at sea, a passenger of the company, whiles all the rest were a weeping and praying, and making humble vowes to God for their safeties, fell hard to his vittailes: And being for such his impietie reprehended, he answered: Being to drink by and by so great a draught of water, is it not meet (trow ye) that I vittaile my paunch well aforehand?

A Passenger at sea feeling his stomacke rise, sayd to the mai­ster of the ship: I pray holde still the ship a while, til I vomite.

A ship sayling toward Peru, a mighty storme arose and en­dangered it: Wherupon the Captaine charged euery man to throw into the sea, the heauiest thing he could best spare, to the ende to lighten somewhat the ship. A passenger that had his wife there, offred then to throw her ouer boord, but the com­pany rescued her: And being asked what he ayled so to doe, he answered: She is the heauiest thing I haue, and I can best spare her.

One counsailed his friend to passe along by sea from Newca­stle to London, affirming that with a good wind he might arriue there both soner then by land, & with half the charge. Th'other answered: No, I list not ride vpon a horse that goes an end, and that I cannot alight off him at all seasons when I list my selfe.

A waterman affirmed, that all boates were females: And his reason was, because folke vse to enter into them.

A ship being by mischaunce set on fyre vpon the coast of Peru, and past all recouery, a souldiour threw himselfe into the sea, and said: Some rost, some sod.

A Fishmonger in a tempest at sea, seeming to feare drow­ning, The Mariners asked him, whether he fear'd to be eaten of Fishes; He answered: No, rather may Fishes fear me.

One praying his friend to lend him his cloake: The other answered: Seing it raines not, what need yee er'e a cloake? and if it should raine, why then should I need it my selfe.

OF POLITITIANS.

[Page 45]A Polititian wonted to say: Who so deceiues me once, God forgiue him; If twise, God forgiue him, and God forgiue me; But if thrise, still God forgiue him, but ner'e forgiue me.

One vsed to say, that men now a dayes make more of all things, then our forefathers did, all but our graues.

One would needs prooue that men now a dayes are wiser then men of old time, and his reason was: Because they could remedy euill but only with good, but men now adayes can re­medy one mischiefe with another.

One vsed to say: That it is alwayes good to misse a friend before he be missing.

One vsed to say: Better be poore at the beginning, then at the latter ending.

Philip Duke of Burgundie was woonted to say: Of great per­sonages speak neither good nor bad: For if thou speake good of them, happily thou belie [...]t them; if euill, thou maist repent it.

A Polititian alwayes wisht his enemie these three aduan­tages, viz. A iust plea in law, to loue such as wish him ill, and to win at the beginning of play.

A polititian aduising a yoong Gentleman to deale doublie, and dissemble twentie maner of faces in the affaire hee had in hand: He answered: I list not slaue my [...]elfe to so many faces, for that one good face is both better worth, and a great deale easier to represent

A Polititian aduising a wel disposed person to counterfeit a patient behauiour toward such a ones extreame rudenesse, see­ing he was likely in time to receiue some benefite at his handes, if he please him well: Th'other answered: I list not slaue my selfe to aduantages.

The Italians vse to say, De che me [...]lo, me guarde Iddio: De ch [...] no me fio, me guardare Io: That is,

OF SVTE AND SVTERS.

ONe Henrie Goldingham that had long sued to her Maiestie for her Signe to his graunted suite and her Maiestie still saying that she had no pen and inke at hand to doe it, at last he humbled his Bill to her highnesse foote, and said: May it then please your Maiesty but to step your royall foot heerupon, and I my selfe will then warrant it for good. Her Maiestie so well liked of such his merrie conceipt, that presentlie calling for pen and inke did daigne to signe it.

The Cardinall Don Pedro Gonzales being 80. yeares old, a ser­ui [...]or of his as old, or rather older then himselfe, besought him of the Alcaldeship of Canales, an office which was latelie fallen into his graunt: Wherunto the Cardinall answered, that hee was sorie he had spoken so late, forasmuch as hee had already granted it to another, promising that the next that fell, he should haue it without all faile: Oh my good Lord (reply'd the serui­tor) but what thing in this worlde can sooner fall voide then your Grace or I?

An Italian Captaine in the Low-cuntries besought the Duke of Parma of an vnreasonable sute, which the Duke refused him: and he humbly thanked his Altez therfore: Wherat his friends and fellowes by marueyling, he said: Euen humble thankes for that his Excellence hath so speedily dispatcht me.

A yoong Nobleman in Spaine, suing a Duke for his Dutchie, in the midst of all his law, fell in loue with a very mean Gentle­woman, whose name was Blanke, and married her foorthwith: Wherat his father was in a great chafe, and said: The foole su­ing for a Dukedome, would he be pleasd with a Blanke?

A poore man was an humble suter to a Gentleman, who said vnto him: I pray thee (fellow) be gone, for thy breath stinks mi­serablie of garlike: He answered: Not I Sir, happily it is my sute that stinks vnto you.

[Page 47]A Gentleman passing along vnder his Mistresse window, she chanced (spitting out therat) to spit vpon him, and foorthwith perceiuing her amisse, crau'd pardon of him therfore; who an­swered: Forsooth (Lady) a Fisher-man wets and dables himselfe all day long, and perchance catcheth but shrimps in the end: and I to catch so faire a Trout as you, doe you thinke I can loth so slight a deaw? Faith no.

A reuerend person besought a largesse of a Prince for a friend of his, and the Prince refus'd it him: he neuertheles stil entreated & it would not be, til at last, humbling himself vpon his knee at the princes foot, with much entreatie he obtain'd it: A many gentlemen standing by, condemn'd such his too much basenes, considering his grauitie and wisdom, & told him, that he had therin greatlie discredited his reuerence & magnanimitie: He answered: That is not my fault (Gentlemen) but the princes, whose eares (as you see) are in his heeles.

One besought a Iudge for iustice, and thus he said: My good Lord, wheras the iniurie that such a one hath done me, is verie hell. Now, howsoeuer it shall please your L. to end the matter, I will accompt it heauen.

OF GAME AND GAMESTERS.

A Lady had an vnthriftie son, and she being to take water on a time, and seeing the billowes rough, and the winde high, [...]aid vnto him: Son, if I drowne to day, I praye thee play not away my cloathes till I be buried.

One vsed to say, that dice and purging pilles were of like nature: [...]or that a litle of th'one purgeth a mans panch through­ly, and as litle of the other a mans purse.

One dispraisd Dice, and said, that Dicers are woorse then Vsurers for that they with a hundred get but ten: but Dicers with ten▪ happely get a hundred.

A Captaine and a Marchant plaid at dice, & the Captain lost, [Page 48] and swore lustily euer and anon: At last hauing lost all, he snat­ched it all away from the marchant againe: Whereat the mar­chant amaz'd, stood trembling and said: Captaine, if you meant I should not carie away any winnings, what a [...]l'd you to swear, and rage so at euery word.

Hernando Gonzales woonted to say: That a great gamester could hardly be an honest man, because he both heares that in play, which he may not well abide, and vttereth that which o­thers may no lesse abide.

One asked a great Dicer of a pale complexion, what was the reason he stil look'd so pale and wan: He answered: So looks the money I lost at play.

One asked another what Gallant that was, that passed by so brauely towardes the Court, so stately mounted, and attyr'd all in gold: Mary (quoth he) it is one maister N. a Gentleman that maintaines himselfe so gallant as you see, only by play. By play? (repli'd the other) In truth I haue not seene any, that hath so well redressed his owne defaults by others defaults.

A friend aduisd a great gamester his kinsman to giue ouer play, affirming that it was a great sinne, and a folly both: Wher­vnto th'other answered: Rather is it an especiall vertue, and a singular remedy against all the seuen deadlie sins. For first, how can that man be proud (trow yee) who after hauing lost an hun­dred or a thousand pounds at dice with a Noble-man, will after­ward be so humble, as to venture his Tester with a Lackey? Or how can that man be couetous, that cannot safegard his vtmost pennie from play? Or how can he possi [...]lie be lustie to women, that continually tyres himselfe out at play? Or how can he be a glutton, that dare not bestow a Tester on his bellie, for feare he should want it at play? Or how can he be enuious of other mens goods, that is so carelesse of his owne? Or how can he be easly angry, that puts vp a thousand curses euery night, for sitti [...]g vp so late at play? Or how can he be accompted slothful, that sits vp whole dayes and nights at play, and neuer lins playing?

[Page 49]One discommending bull-bayting in Spaine with dartes, where the bul is suffred to runne loose: and his reason was: Be­cause it teacheth men to runne away.

Pedro Mexia a Spanish Croniographer, wonted to say, that belike it is a shamefull thing to runne at the ring, seeing none doe it bare-fac'd, but with their beuers downe.

A Gentleman who did greatly stut & stammer in his speech, playing at Mawe, laid downe a winning card, and then said vn­to his partener: How sa-ay ye now, wa-was not this ca-ca-ard pa-as-assing we-we-well la-a-ayd: Yes (answered th'other) It is well layd, but yet it needs not halfe this cackling.

A Moore viewing the bull bayted with dartes in an inclo­sed compasse of ground, where both the Bul & the men fought loosely and in daunger: A Spaniard asked him how hee liked that sport: Hee answered: Too litle for earnest, and too much for Iest.

A greasie companion lost his money at cardes, and in his rages still said: The Deu'st take me: At last a stander by hearing him say so▪ answered: So would he (I warrant you) were it not for feare of your bird-lime.

A cogging companion asking a ciuill Gentleman, whether he would play with him at dice: He answered: No, with no such lucratiue fellowes as you.

A Gamester ought a Gentleman (a friend of his) fiue pounds, and hauing lost all his money at dice, sent to borrow 5 pounds more, by the token that he ought him already fiue poundes: Wherunto the Gentleman thus answered the messenger: Bid your Maister send mee the token, and then I'le send him the fiue poundes.

OF POPES AND PRELATES.

YT was discoursed at the table of Pope Alexander the sixth, whether Physitians were necessarie in a common wealth, yea or no: some affirming that Rome being sixe hundred yeares and odde with­out them, the Citizens liued in good health, and lustie all that while: And therfore a kind of cattell, that might verie wel be spared in a common-welth. Not so (said the Pope) rather are they right necessarie (in my opinion) for without them the world would increase so fast, that one could not liue by an other.

An olde seruitor of a Pope besought him of the Archbi­shopricke of Sylence in the Isle of Serdinia, the said suppliant be­ing a verie talkatiue and prating man: Wherunto the Pope an­swered: Trust me, you haue no reason to craue that Sea of all others, beeing it will euermore approue you a lyar.

A Cardinall complained vnto Pope Clement the seuenth, how one Michael Angelo his painter in a picture which he had drawne of Dooms-day in S. Peters chappel at Rome, had ther­in figured him in hell amongst the damned, beseeching him to bid it be altered to some other fauour: Whereunto the Pope answered: Well you wot, I can release a soule out of Purgatory but not out of hell.

Pope Adrian the sixth was minded to haue throwne Pas­quins image into Tyber, therby to take away al occasion of libelling, which was thē vsed in Rome in the person of that Image: Wherunto the Duke of Sesa answered: If your Holines throw Pasquin into Tyber, out of doubt he will turne to a Frogge, and then will he croke both day & night, wheras now his clamor is but only in the day time.

[Page 51]Frier Frances Symenes being created Cardinall and Arch­bishop of Toledo, wrote to an especiall friend of his of such the high honor he was call'd vnto, & of his good successe: Wher­unto the Gentleman answered, that as concerning his Graces particular, he was glad he had attain'd so soueraigne a dignity; for that his vertues did deserue no lesse: But as for himselfe, he was sory that by such his graces promotion he had lost so great a friend: As much to say, as true friendship can be but amongst equals.

A certaine man of Osma in Spaine hauing his case to be dis­cust and adjudg'd by the Cardinall Symenes his deputie in the towne of Alcala, took exceptions to the said Iudge, as one whō he thought fauored not his case, & therfore besought his grace to assigne him some other Judge either of Madryl or Guadala­jara: Wherunto the Cardinall gainsaying, & asking him what sufficienter man he thought was in Madryl or Guadalajara to determin his matter thē his foresaid deputy in Alcala. To this the man of Osma repli'd: And like your grace there was one found in Tordelaguna, who was worthy to be a Cardinall & Archbi­shop of Toledo (meaning the Cardinall himselfe who was born in that pore parish) And thē doth your Grace think that neither Madryl nor Guadalajara can affoord a sufficiēt judge of my plea?

A Cardinall passing along the street, and being saluted by a band of souldiours with much shot, so as the smoke was verie thick & vnsauory: one of his Gent. besought him to hasten som­what faster frō out that fume: Oh no (answered the Cardinal) this is the sent that pleaseth me aboue al the incense in the world.

The Cardinal Symenes being deputed high gouernour ouer all Spaine in the Emperour Charles his absence, & vnderstāding at last, that the Emperour was now landed againe on the coast: At this present newes he disposed all the treasure he then had in his handes to the Colledge of Alcala, and to other Church v­ses, as though that Spaine nowe needed no treasure for her defence, so long as the Emperour was there arriued in person. [Page 62] And as concerning the saide treasure he said, that if an Angell from heauen should haue told him before the Emperours lan­ding, that his Maiestie would not rid him therof at his arriual, he would haue thought him some deuill in an Angels shape: And that now no lesse would he think him a Deuil that should come and tell him that the Emperour would not acquite him thereof, hauing dispos'd it to so good vses.

The foresaid Cardinall neuer bestowed benefice vpon any that came to beg it at his hands: It chanced on a time that a priest hearing of a rich benefice that was newly fallen in his countrey, and being verie liquorish thereof came vnto him, and thus be­spake him: Most reuerend Sir, forasmuch as well I wot your Grace neuer bestowes benefice vpon any that craues it at your handes, I giue you to vnderstand that in my country there is a benefice fallen into your graunt, which would very well be­steed me, by reason it is neer the place where I was borne. Now I humblie beseech your Graces good aduise how I may come by it. Well (answered the Cardinall) you shall haue it, & forth­with he commanded his Secretarie to draw him out a faire col­lation, which was done, and he had it.

The Cardinall Don Pedro Gonzales de Mendoza vpon a Christ­mas morning offred at a Masse an entier Altar-suit, so rich, as it was valued at eighteen thousand Crownes, and after his saide Offertorie ended, kneeling downe before the Altar, hee there remained a good space in humble prayer and teares: Which the Marques of Cenete seeing, came to him, & said: Reuerend Father, I beseech you weepe no more, for I'le vndertake to get you the whole suite restor'd you againe.

The said Cardinall seeing a Priest carying a cudgell vnder his gowne, said vnto him: It yll beseemes your habit to beare a weapon about you: Wherunto the Priest answered and prote­sted, that hee bare it not in quarrell against any Christian crea­ture in the world, but only to defend himselfe against the dogges of that towne, which he found to be fierce and angrie curres▪ [Page 53] Oh (reply'd the Cardinall) & wherfore (I pray you) then serues S. Iohns Gospell? He answered: True (my Lord) but these cur [...]es vnderstand no Latine; and therefore against them am I faine to beare this defence, as you see.

The Cardinall Don Alonso Manrique spent much, and ow'd much: There was in his Church a Channon, who was so good a fellow that he seldome eat at home, & yet neuertheles retain'd a Steward in continuall standing wages: Wherupon the Car­dinall vpon a time merrily asking him what he meant to keep a Steward, hauing so little vse to put him to: The Channon no lesse merrilie answered: Your Grace hath great reason, for in sooth (my Lord) my Steward and your Treasurer may very well be whipt at a Carts tayle for vagabondes.

A Gentleman of Cardinall Wolsey making way before his Lord as he passed through the church, & seeing a poore priest kneeling at his prayers in the way, raised him vp, saying: Room for my Lord Cardinalls Grace: Whereupon the priest rose vp and said: Will his Grace (trow ye) supplie my place?

A Bishopricke [...]as bestow'd vpon one that seem'd to bee a man of good life, but was not generally so reputed: And the Cardinall Loyasa greeted him thus: My Lord, God send you joy; and I am glad you are prouided of a Sea, before your hypo­crisie be fullie ended.

Don Alonso Cartillio, a Spanish Archbishop, his housholde expence was so excessiue, that on a time his Stewarde telling him, that except he tooke some more moderat course of liuing his rents could not possiblie maintaine it: Wel, (answered the Archbishop) set me downe then what meane you would haue me obserue in this matter: Whereunto the steward replying, that it might please his Grace to put away all idle persons, and retaine only necessarie ones: Wel (reply'd the Prelate) but giue me then a note of such as you judge necessarie, and another of the vnnecessarie. The steward did so: Then the morrow after the Bishop commanding all his houshold before him into his [Page 54] great hall, will'd his steward to set his necessary seruants in a row by themselues on the one side, and the vnnecessary ones likewise seuerall by themselues on the other side; which being done, he thē said vnto his steward: These necessarie ones which you haue heer placed, I haue need of them all, & these others (I tell thee) they haue all need of mee: Wherefore necessary and vnnecessary, I will still retaine them all.

A poor widow that had her only daughter to bestow, hum­bly besought the aforesaid Archbishop of his bountie towards her preferment. The Bishop was content, and calling for pen and inke, wrote a warrant downe into the country to his ste­ward to deliuer her fiftie pounds, thinking indeed he had writ­ten but fiue pounds: Whē the steward saw the bill, he straight tooke horse and rode vp to the Bishop, and told him: Your Grace hath awarded yonder poore widow fifty poundes for her daughter, and so it is that I haue not so much in hand. No (said the Bishop) what not poore fiue pounds? Yes fiue, and like your Grace (answered the steward) but your assignation is fifty pounds: Be it fiftie pounds then (reply'd the Bishop) for sure not I, but God or some of his good Angels set it down so: Where­fore no more adoe, let her haue it. With that the steward was faine to borrow it, and she had it.

The Archbishop of Cullen riding along the plaine all roun­ded about with men of warre, & himselfe most brightly glitte­ring in Armes: A Swaine ploughing therabouts laughed to see him so: Which the Prelate perceiuing, cōmanded him straight before him, and asked him why hee laughed so: Mary I laugh (answered the Pesant) to see an Archbishop so souldiourly gal­lant. Why sirrha (said the Bishop) I am thus as a Duke, not as an Archbishop or a priest: Euen so Sir (reply'd the swaine) now I pray then, crack me this nut, Were my L. Duke at the deuil, where (trowe ye) were my L. Archbishop then?

The Archbishop of Granada, saying to the Archbishop of Toledo that he much maruelled he being so great a State would [Page 55] visit Hospitals, and performe to the sick and needie such a deale of drudgerie as daylie he did. Maruell not hereat (answered the good Bishop) but rather well weighing with your selfe, what is the true dignitie and dutie of a pastor, woonder at the manie good duties I doe omit.

A Spanish Bishop riding on the way saw a shepheard sun­ning himselfe vnder a banke, and thus he bespake him: I maruel much (shepheard) that shepheardes now a daies are not like as they were in times past, when there were of them great Pro­phets and great kinges in the world, and to them it was that the Angel first denounced the natiuitie of our sauiour Iesus Christ afore all others. Oh Sir (answered the shepheard) neither are Bishops nowe a dayes like to those good ones of olde time at diuers of whose deathes the belles did ring of themselues, and nowe can scarce be made to tolle but with many mens strength.

A Bishop sent halfe a dozen of Capons to an Abbot, and the bearer eat one of them to his dinner by the way: Now when th' Abbot had red the Bishops letter, which certified that he had sent him sixe Capons, he then said vnto the messenger. My lad, I pray thee tell my Lord Bishop, I humblie thanke his Lordship for fiue Capons, and as for the sixth, giue thou him thanks for it thy selfe.

A Bishops Chaplaine helping his Lord on with his Ro­chet, and being somwhat long a drawing on the sleeues: Why when? (said the Bishop) me thinks you are very tedious about this geere. And like your Grace (he answered) your sleeues are verie straight. Verie straight indeed (reply'd the Bishop) for wel I wot, full twentie yeares haue I traueiled to get them on, and till this present time could I neuer attaine to doe it.

In a solemne festiuitie which was holden at Guadalajara in Spaine, two Gentlemen appeared to the multitude in Clergie attire, to discharge vnto them some Church-merriment, and being demaunded in a Bishops name, who was there present, [Page 56] who they were: We are (quoth they) two Archdeacons of the Church of Vtica, and so tell your Lord: The saide Bishop being prelate of that place.

Bishop Gardener being depriued of his Bishoprick, one thus saluted him in derision: Farewell Bishop olim [...] He answered: Gramercie Knaue semper.

Lord Cromwell reproching Bishop Gardener being depri­ued of his Bishopricke by the King, said: Where is now (Sir Bi­shop) al your Gloria patri become? He answered: Euen as it hath pleased the King my Liege: Neuerthelesse, sicut erat in principio, so am I stil (my Lord) as good a gentleman as your selfe.

A Chanonrie of the Church of Cuencae was fallen into the Bishops graunt, and a certaine scholler, who had before time translated out of Latine into Spanish the vaine workes of To­stado became an humble suter to the Bishop for it; which the Bishop deny'd him, saying: It is no creame to be eaten with To­stados, viz. Tostes.

One besought a worshipfull Gentleman to be a means for him to a Bishop to forgiue him a certaine dribbling debt: The Gentleman answered: His power is to bind, not to loose.

One Frier Rapiero, a famous preacher, had a pettie Bishop­ricke bestow'd vpon him in th'Ile of Corsica: And one pittying his no higher preferment, said: Alas, it is too small a pommell for such a Rapier.

The Cardinall Don Alonso Cartillio enioyn'd his Iester to bring him at euery moneths end a cronicle of al merrie matters that had happened in the meane time: The Cardinall within a while after entertained an Alcumist, to whome being but newlie come, hee deliuered a thousande Crownes to goe to Toledo to buy him all maner of implements belonging to that Arte. In which meane time he called for his foresaid Cronicler to know what occurrents were befallen that moneth. Then the Iester among other fooleries, read vnto him what a mon­strous follie he himselfe had committed, to trust a stranger with [Page 57] a hundred crownes, whom happily he should neuer see more: Wherunto the Cardinall answered: But what if hee doe come againe, how then? Mary then (reply'd the Cronicler) will I put you out, and put him in your place.

A Physitian had a big fat Bishop in cure, who was some­what distempered with a lightnesse in his head: And the Phy­sitian comming forth of his bed-chamber in a morning, a Gen­tleman met him at the doore, & asked him how my Lord did: Who answered: Would my Mule were halfe so well.

A Pick-thanke telling a Prelate that such a Gentleman had highlie slandered him in publike; and therwithall aduising him to reuenge it in a verie high degree: He answered: And where­fore (I pray ye then) serue these wordes of Christ, Mihi vindi­ctam & ego retribuam?

Cardinall Medices now Duke of Florence, seeing certaine Iewes walke Sabothly vpon a Satterday in his faire garden on Mount Trinitie in Rome; commanded them (in despight of such their Satterday-sabboth) to bee imployed all that day in seruile worke in his said garden, and at night made them a liberall sup­per of good cheere: Amongst which he caus'd minc'd Porke to be set afore them so cunningly disguis'd, and besauc'd, that vn­wittingly they fell to it, and eat therof, contrarie to their su­perstitious pork-opinion in that point: And after they had supt paid them a large day-wages, and so dismist them: They at par­ting being told of the disguiz'd pork they had eaten, were stark mad; and whereas before they held themselues guilty only of their seruile labour that day (it being their Sabboth day) nowe were they outragious testie at both together: And in a full sto­macke of detest, flung downe their wages, and would none of it: But to their Synagogue they hy'd them, and there told their Rabbin of all the premisses: Whereupon he forthwith excom­municated the Cardinall, and deeply accursed him to the pit of hell in full congregation: Which he vnderstanding, went the next day to Pope Pius quintus, and in jest told him all the storie, [Page 58] as aforesaid, concluding with the Rabbins excommunication and accurse against him: And withall merrily besought the Pope to release him thereof. The Pope tooke it in a farre other sence, and greatlie rebuked the Cardinall therefore, affirming that he had done a verie scandalous act, so to force the consci­ence of a Iew, they not being sheep of Christs fold, and therfore without the libertie of his Crozier to pastorize, much lesse to enforce in matter of religion: So saying, he enioyn'd him a very seuere penance, both personall and pecuniarie.

OF PRIESTES AND FRIERS.

A Sillie Frier came to a Doctor of Toledo, and tolde him, that hee thought he had incurr'd irregularitie, for say­ing to his Asse by the way as he accompaned certaine prisoners to execution: Haight beast, and on a Gods name: sup­posing that by reason therof he had so much the soner brought the poore prisoners to their endes: To whome the Doctor an­swered: In reparation of that irregularity, you must seeke out the said Asse againe, and as often as you saide then vnto him, haight beast, or on a Gods name, so often say vnto him nowe, Hoe beast, faire and softlie a Gods name.

A Parson demaunded of his Vicar the rent of three yeeres which was behind vnpaid. Whereupon the Vicar led him foorth into the Church-yard, (it being whollie ouer-growne with grasse) and then he said: How think you sir, I can possibly pay you rent for such land, as (I assure you) hath laid waste this whole three yeeres day?

A Confessor comming to visite a sicke poore woman in bed, and after hauing heard her confession, and giuen her good ghostly aduise to God-ward: At his departure the poore wid­dow willed her maid to giue him the fattest Capon shee had: The maide did so, and the Priest accepted it, and went his way. Shortly after the woman recouered her health, and wal­king [Page 59] abroad she missed among other her poultrey this Capon, and forgetting how she had bestowed it; she called her maid to her, and asked her what was become of it: Wherunto the maid answering that she had giuen it in her sicknes time to the priest; she said: What a foule ill, did I so? So often had I giuen it heer­tofore to the Deuill when I missed it, and still it came againe, and giuing it but once to the Priest hath hee caried it quite a­way?

A great preacher ambitious of a Bishoprick: On a time af­ter his sermon ended comming downe the pulpit, a Gentle­man of great worship standing by, proffered him his hande to help him down: Pardon me sir (said the preacher;) may it please you rather to help me vp with your friendlie hand, for downe (alas) I can come alone all-too easilie.

A Church-man passing along by a countrey-Gentlemans doore, a Mastiffe-dogge flue at him, and all betore his cloake. The morrow after returning that way again, he chanced to see the Gentleman then standing at his gate, & this dog by him, to whom he said: Sir, either tie vp your dogge, or kisse his tayle: Euen so plaine? (answered the Gentleman) Beleeue me, since you so friendlie put it to my choice, I wil rather of the two tie him vp.

A Frier following a Bishop all faire and softlie after, as be­ing much diseased with the gowte: One of the Bishops Gen­tlemen said vnto him: On, on, Father, you need not feare falling on this faire earth. The Frier answered: Men doe not fall be­cause they feare falling, but they feare least they should fall.

A Spanish Frier hauing granted vnto him a Bishopricke in India: Hee thus bespake the Emperours Secretarie, that drewe the assignation. Sir, because I know how daungerous a thing a Bishopricke is to one that knowes not howe to dis­charge his pastorall dutie therein as hee ought, and knowing withall my owne insufficiencie in that behalfe, I am verilie [Page 60] of opinion, that for me to be a Bishop were my high way to hel. And in sooth to go to hell by India is a great way about: Wher­fore I pray you assigne me some neerer Sea, or none at all.

A famous Preacher, who had long sued for a Bishopricke, and could not attaine to any, vsed to say, that out of doubt if it rain'd myters, not any one would light vpon his head.

One Frier inuited another to his Cell to dinner, and vpon some occasion the inuitant Frier sent foorth his boy, and then said vnto th'other: The world reports you the sonne of a Gen­tleman, and for my part I verily thinke no lesse, so trimme and gracious is your conuersation: Wherunto th'other answered: certainly if you speak this to frump me, you are much to blame, and if to commend me, why then did you send away the boy?

The Pope and the King of Spaine betweene them created Frier Frances Symones Archbishop of Toledo: Frier Paschall, Bi­shop of Burgos, and Frier Diego Desa Archbishop of Valentia, all on one day: Wherupon one merrily said, that the Pope & the King plai'd all that day at Friers-Trump, or at Friers-Ruffe.

A Frier that was vesting himselfe to Masse, a Gentleman pray'd him to say a Hunters Masse (meaning a briefe Masse) With that the Frier tooke his Missal, and turn'd it al ouer leafe by leafe, continuing so doing a good while: Which the Gen­tleman thinking long, at last said vnto him: I pray you Father dispatch. Me thinkes you are very long a registring your Mis­sall: Why sir, (answered the Frier) you bespake a Hunters Masse, and in sooth I can find no such Masse in all my Booke.

A Dominican and a Franciscan Frier traueiling together on the way, arriued at a brook, where the Dominican requested the Franciscan, in as much as he was barefoot, to carie him ouer the water on his back: The Franciscan was content, and vp he took him, and into the riuer he went; and being stept into the chan­nell, there he paws'd, & said to the Dominican: Tell me (brother) haue you any money about you? The Dominican thinking that he aimed thereby at a consideration for his paines, answered: [...] [Page 61] Yea marie haue I a little, but not much: Much or little then (re­ply'd the Franciscan) well you wot my order allowes me not to carie any money about me, though well you may. And there­fore: And with that downe hee let slip the Dominican into the channell, where his money could not saue him from being ve­rie well wet.

The Portugalles keep holy the battaile-day of Aljuberoto, in which they ouerthrew and slue a many thousand Spaniards in the field: Vpon which festiual Aniuersarie day one Frier Iohn Hurtado the Kings Confessor, comming to salute his Maiestie: the King saide vnto him: Tel me Father Hurtado, how like you this triumphant day of ours against the Spaniards? Haue they a­ny such holy-dayes of victories against vs? Oh no my Liege, (answered the Frier) they are not halfe so happy a people: But as for Portugall, if it should keepe holy all her victories and conquests against Spaine, euery day in the yeare would be a ho­hy-day amongst vs, wherby we should stand in danger of famin for want of working-daies.

An vnlatin'd Channon hearing that the Archdeacon went about in visitation, and that he would be with him and his bre­thren within a day or two, sent away his whoore Iennet to a friend of his, & wrote him this letter withall, Ego Iohannes Shaa de villa Caveatis (viz. of the towne of Ware) mitto ad vos hoc ver­bum, vt Archideabolus (viz, the Archdeacon) errat circum circa per cuntriam (viz. the countrie) & venit aduersus nos. Quare mitto ad vos vnicum meum Ienettum, tam album vt lac, tam dulce vt mel, tam benigne quod non potest dicere non, sed queso ne iaceas cum, Dato sibi id quod querit, & quicquid venit ad, ego soluam pro, valeto.

An vnlearned countrey Vicar preaching to his Parishio­ners against their continuall Alehousrie, vsed this argument: Sirs (quoth he) you that loue ale so well, if you wist of what bad stuffe it were made, you would lothe it: For it is made of a thing call'd Malt. Now (I pray you) what is Malt but M A L T? as much to say as M much, A ale, L litle, T thrift.

[Page 62]A plaine country Vicar perswaded his parishioners in all their troubles and aduersities, to call vpon God, and thus hee said: There is (dearlie beloued) a certaine familiar beast amongst you called a hogge, see you not how toward a storme or a tem­pest it crieth euermore, ourgh, ourgh? So must you likwise in all your iminent troubles and dangers, say to your selues, Lourghd, Lourghd, help me.

One Peter Martyr, Cronicler to the king of Spaine, had been a long time suter for a Bishopricke, and hearing at last that foure seuerall Confessors were prouided of so manie seuerall Seas at once, hee said: Faith, among so manie Confessors one Martyr would verie well haue beseem'd the companie.

A Frier whose name was Bonaduenture comming to be ac­quainted with an other Frier, whose name was Malaver, as much to say in English as speed yll: Bonaduenture saide vnto him: Lord (brother Malauer) how many seeke for me and chance on you!

Two Monkes were accompted passing vertuous men, and the one of them was verie fat and grosse, and well complexio­ned, and th'other pale and megre. The Prior being asked on a time by a Noble-man what might bee the reason of so diffe­rent effectes of vertuous liuing, hee answered: And like your Honour, yonder fat brother thinkes only of God and of the Ioyes of heauen, and this other of death, dooms-day and hell.

One vs'd to say, that no linnage could be accompted through ripe till it had a shorne crowne on the head, viz. A priest or Frier of the name.

A Gentleman comming earlie on a Christmasse morning to visite a reuerend Channon in the Queere after Mattins, and seeing his seat vnhang'd with Tapistrie, as all th'others were, considering both what a solemne day it was, and withall how verie colde, hee much maruelled thereat: and ask'd him why he let his seat be so inglorious: With that the Cannon poin­ting to a poor bodie there by before the high Altar all bare and [Page 63] miserable: He answered: See ye yonder poore soule there? tis he will not [...]uffer me to sit in seat of glorie.

One vs'd to say that follie fattes the Gentleman, and lewde conditions beleans the Cleargie man.

Don in Spanish, signifies Sir. A Frier hearing a Dukes Vsher calling a many of his Lordes Gentlemen together, and saying Don Iohn, Don Alonso, Don Rodriguez, &c. Hee adjon'd And I warrant you, ther is ner' a Donum Spiritus-sancti among all these Dons.

A very learned preacher was condemn'd of too much te­diousnesse in his sermons, in that hee vsed oftentimes to re­peat one thing twi [...]e: Whereupon preaching on a time hee saide to the people, Brethren I vnderstand you condemne me for ouer tedious in my sermons, Nowe the trueth is, I am sure verie fewe of you vnderstand mee well the first time, and therefore am I faine to repeate it once againe, and then in doing so, you say I am to tedious: And (good faith) to repeat a thing once and a halfe, that's woorst of all, and I am sure you will like that neither.

A Frier following a many Gentlewomen in the street who with their long traines rais'd vp a great dust after them: At last they seeing the Frier neere behind thē, for reuerence stood still and made him way: Who as he passed along by them said: Know ye (Gentlewomē) that the dust of the sheep is a lode­starre to the Wolfe.

A Gentleman came to visit a widow Gentlewoman, & as he entred into the house, he met two Friers comming foorth, and ouerhard the Gētlewoman saying to her maid: Yonder Friers smel like rats: The Gent. adjoin'd: & happily haue don like rats.

A graue Doctor that had been a long time suter at Rome to the Cardinall of Toledo for a Chanonrie in that Church, ob­tayn'd it in the end, and then presentlie wrot a letter to a friend of his in Toledo, giuing him to vnderstād, that wheras he had al that while gone vp & down like an Ape in the streets of Rome, [Page 64] without er'e a tayle, he should now see him shortlie there at To­ledo like a Squerrell with taile ynough. Written in refference to the long traines that those Channons weare.

A reuerend Church-man being done a secret disgrace vn­iustifiable by the partie that did it, & he yet not knowing him, said: Ah poore despight, that makes the Authour peepe in his head for shame.

OF DOCTORS, AND SCHOLLERS.

IT was a great controuersie in the Vniuersitie of Leyden be­tweene the Physicke and Law Doctors, whether of them should take place foremost at the Commencements: And a merrie Chanceller being deputed judge of the difference, asked them whether at an execution, the fellon or the hangman ought to goe foremost to the gallowes: They al answered: The fellon: Euen so? (reply'd the Chancellor) Then yee Lawyers, goe yee foremost as theeues, and yee Physitians follow ye after as hang­men.

One asked a great Clearke how hee might doe to become wise: Who answered: In sooth (friend) I can hardly resolue you: For you still goe one way, and wisedome another, that I doe not see how you can possiblie meet.

A profound Doctor of Law had neuer in all his life beene aboue three miles out of Salamanca, where he was both borne and bred vp: And being sent for on a time by a Noble-man dwelling some two dayes iourney thence, as concerning his ad­uise in a waightie matter in law, & hauing ridden his first daies iourney almost to an end, he then waxed wearie, and would no further: But turn'd back againe to Salamanca, saying: I neuer thought the world had been so great.

There dwelt a graue Law-Doctor in Salamanca, & a neigh­bours child of his came somewhat early in a morning to craue a little fire of him: Take some my boy (he sayd) but wherin wilt [Page 65] thou carrie it? Marie Sir (he answered) thus: and with that hee layd a quantitie of ashes vpon the palme of his hande, and the the coales thereupon, and so went his way. The Doctor won­dred hereat, and sware, that with al the learning he had, he could not haue deuised so trim a sleight.

Punta in Spanish signifies a Size, and also a stitch. An ignorant Spanish Doctor came to a shoomaker, and bespake a paire of shooes for his son: & the shoomaker asked him of what Punta, viz. what size: Marie (quoth he) that can I not yet shew you, but I wil goe home and see, and bring you word in the afternoone: Home he went, and calling for a paire of his sons old shoes, hee vnript all the stitches thereof, and tolde how many there were of them: and then after dinner he went againe to the shooma­ker, and said: My sons shooes are of the 64. Puntas, viz. stitches.

One was telling a Dunsicall Doctor how such a man was a great scholler, but a very foole; he marueil'd greatly thereat, and said: Well I wot, a man may bee vnlearned, but how learning may be without a man I cannot imagine.

A Doctor comming to reforme the Vniuersitie of Salaman­ca, one scholler asked another, whether he would also reforme the Vniuersitie clocke: No (answered th'other) for Par in parem non habet imperium.

A big Doctor passed along with seuen pettie schollers at his heeles: One that saw it, sayd: Loe yonder the Moone and the seuen starres.

A Graduate of Salamanca was to ride before a Gentlewo­man, and for maners sake would needes haue her get vp first, which she refusing to doe, the more he vrged her, and would needs haue it so, so absurd was his schollerly ciuility.

A Countreyman suspecting Legier de main betweene his daughter and a young shephard, came to a Doctor who was fa­med for a great Sooth-sayer in that country, and presented him a couple of Capons, and told him all his foresaid iealosie, cra­uing withall to bee foorthwith resolued thereupon Then the [Page 66] Doctor tooke a great booke, and turn'd ouer a many leaues, and made a great mumble to himselfe as seeming to conjure: At last taking his spectacles off his nose: he asked the country-man both their ages: who answering that his daughter was fifteene years old, and the shepheard three & twentie: Then the Doctor said: If it be so (friend) byrladie I doe not denie, but it may bee so in deed; and so dismist him.

A graue Doctor discoursing vnto two vaine Gallants vpon a point of naturall Philosophy, and one of them saying, that hee vnderstood ne'r a word he said: He answered: No marueil, for emptie barrels neuer sinke downe to the bottom.

One Doctor Villiabos saying grace before the Emperour Charles, did it silentlie: Wherunto a vaine Gallant afterward excepting, & saying that it were much better if he spake it out: He answered: Make mee but a foole, and I'le speake as loud as you: but it will marr the grace quite.

One Doctor Mathew, a famous Preacher in Salamanca, was a verie little man: And one seeing him passe along in the street, call'd him in jest, Minimus Apostolorum: Which he ouer-hea­ring, merilie answered; Yet is Mathew maximus Euangelistarum.

One that had a great good memorie and was verie eloquent and had withall but little learning: an other thus bejested him saying: That hee had rocke and spindle ynough, but the Deu'll a whit of yarne.

A Master of Arte (amongst others) bayted the Bull with dartes, and trauersing along by the Duke of Infantasgo his scaffold, who knew both him and his little learning, sayd: And like your Grace the Cuspe of a dart dulles not litterature: True (answered the Duke) especially his, who hath but a litle.

In the edge of an euening one Scholler said vnto another: Det tibi Deus bonum sero. The other answered: Et tibi malum cito.

A punie Scholler in a Colledge, a great dish of broath was set before him at dinner with a pease in it: And he seeing it, began [Page 67] straight to vntrusse his pointes: And being asked why hee did so: Hee answered: I will goe swimme at yonder pease.

A thinne slice of cheese was set before a scholler, who as soone as he saw it, laid his finger vpon his mouth, & being de­maunded why he did so, he answered: Least my breath should blow it away.

A manie Schollers went to steale Conies, and by the way they warn'd a nouice among them to make no noise for feare of skarring the Conies away: At last he espying some, said aloud in Latine: Ecce Cuniculi multi: And with that the Conies ranne into their berries: Wherewith his fellowes offended, and chy­ding him therefore, hee sayd: Who (the Deu'll) would haue thought that Conies vnderstood Latine.

A Repetitor in a Colledge of Coimbria asked a Logick-Scholler, Quid est prima? He answered: Foure Cardes of foure seuerall sutes.

A Scholler of Salamanca wrote to his father to buy him a booke intituled, Digestum vetus: And the sillie man return'd him this answer: (Sonne) Vetus me no Vetusses, but let it be span new, and therefore doe I heer send you twise the price of it: doe buy it your selfe.

A Scholler was commending a Doctors wife (who had sometimes been a Familiar of their Colledge) affirming that shee was passing discreete, and of good deportment: Another answered: No marueill if shee bee so, hauing a Fami­liar.

A pettie Channonrie was fallen voide in the Church of Alcala, and according to the manner there, a bill was set vp vpon the Church doore to aduertise any man of it that would be willing, and withall should be thought sufficient to be ad­mitted thereunto: By chaunce a scholler passing by, and rea­ding it, sayd: Alas poore Chanonrie, art thou so weak as to leane against a wall?

[Page 68]One that had a faire Librarie, and seldome or neuer betook himselfe to studie, another said vnto him: It seemes that you and your bookes are at a truce.

One being asked whether he thought such a man literat, or no: He answered. I, his letters are like plain song, few and grosse

The Marques of Santelliana woonted to say, that wee rest much bound to good Authors, because they both diswarne vs from vice, and aduise vs to vertue.

Platon in Spanish signifies a platter, also it is the Spanish name for the great Philosopher Plato: A profound scholler, and an other being in rages, th'other threw a great Platon, viz. a platter at the scholler, and sore broke his head: One comming by in the mean time, and seeing the scholler so highly disgraced said to th'other: You haue done you know not what, in misu­sing so great a scholler: Th'other answered: Wel may he now proue a great scholler indeed: for well I wot, he hath had a great Plato, viz. a Plato on his head.

OF POETS AND MVSITIONS.

THe Earle of Orgas vsed to say that he is a foole that cannot make a Ballad, and a more foole that doth make a ballad.

One Garci Sanchez a Spanish Poet, became bestraught of his wits with ouer-much leuitie, and at the rime of his distra­ction was playing vpon a Bandore. Now, certaine moneths af­ter being partlie come to himselfe againe, he was inuited to play before a great magistrate of the towne, and hee play'd vpon the selfe same instrument: which after that he had done, hee deliue­red it vp to the said Magistrate, saying: So, now am I glad to see thee in the hands of Iustice, that wrought'st me so much woe.

A scholler presented a gratulatorie new-yeer vnto sir Tho­mas Moore in prose: And he reading it, and seeing how barrain & sencelesse it was, ask'd him whether hee could turne it into verse: He answered yes: With that Sir Thomas Moore deliuer'd [Page 69] it him againe so to alter: Who within a two dayes after, came and brought it him all in verse: Which Sir Thomas Moore reading, and noting the time, said: I marie, now is heer rime I see, whereas before was neither rime nor reason.

One seeing an excellent Poet crooked and deformed of person, said: Lord, what a poore cottage doth yonder good wit inhabite!

A Seruing-man seru'd in a Kids head to his masters boord, and by the way eat vp all the braine of it: Wherupon his ma­ster asking what was become of the braine: He answered: Sir, it is a Musition-kid.

A scholler playing on the Bandore, one requested him to sing thereunto some curious fine song: He then began, Nomi­natino, hic, hec, hoc: Genetiuo huius, &c.

One said of Musitions that they were the happiest craftsmen of all others, because they earne money with making themselues merrie.

A Musition was offred good exhibition in a Cathedrall Church, and he refus'd it and went to another place: Within a yeere after he came thither again, hauing his voice much im­paired, and there offred his seruice vpon the conditions which he formerly refused: Answere was made: Where you wasted your steele, there goe waste your iron.

A poore Knight of small reuenue retain'd a consort of Vi­ols in his house, and asking at dinner time a Gentleman a guest of his how he liked of his musick: He answered: They play wel, only they want dauncers.

A Portugez had hir'd a Musition to play and sing for him at his Maistresse window: The Musition did so, and sung her a sonnet, whereof part went thus: Faire maistresse, hether am I come for you: Wherfore vouchsafe to pity me now. &c. The Portugez wax'd jealious heerat, and all to bombasted the poore fellow, saying: What (villaine) thou come for her? and she to pitie thee? I marie shall she, goe hang thee thou errand knaue.

[Page 70]A Portugez plaid musicke at his maistresse window, and she vnkindly threw stones at him and droue him away: A friend of his being then with him, and seeing his extreame melancholy thereat; bemond him, saying: What greater honour could be­tide you, then stones to flie about your musicke, and giue it au­dience as they did to Orpheus?

A Gent. made musicke at his Maisters windowe, and sung her a song which began thus, My secret passions, &c. An other Gentlewoman being then in place, and hearing him begin so, said: Belike your seruant is sicke of the pyles.

A Princes Musition begg'd of his Altez the Captainship of the castle of Tayle, and it was deny'd him: Whereupon being call'd within a while after to sing before the Princesse, hee refu­sed to come: Then the Princesse asking a Gentleman that stood by, what the foole ayl'd: He answered: And like your High­nesse, hee hath vow'd neuer to sing more without a Tayle.

One vsed to say, that a foole and a dauncer differ but in this, That a foole is a foole all his life, and a Dauncer but whiles hee daunceth.

One hearing th'Organs in a Church vpon a Wednesday in Lent, contrarie to the due of that season, sayd, that it was like a Mellowne in winter.

A miser-Nobleman turn'd away his Musitions, and will'd them the next morning that they were to depart, to come and play him their last farewell vnder his windowe: They did so, and when they had all done, he paid them but their bare wages, and so dismist them: Whereupon one of them at parting sayd vnto him: And like you Honour, so great miserie deserues bag-pipes.

A Channon asking a singing man who had but a shallowe beard, how farre his hawke could flie without belles: (meaning that hee thought hee might starue but for his singing.) The sin­ging-man answered: Euen as farre as yours without his hood: So answered in reference to the hood he wore.

[Page 71] A Gentleman that plaid verie well vpon the Bandore, and had but a bad voyce, plaid and song in an Euening vnder his Maistresse window, and when he had done, ask'd her how she liked his musicke: She answered: You haue plaid very well, and you haue sung to.

An olde Piper vsed to say: If my auditors wist how much I delight my selfe in the musicke I make them, they would ra­ther look that I should giue them somwhat, then they giue me.

A poor Musitions hose hung loosely about him for want of pointes, and playing on a time vpon a Bandore before a many Gentlemen, he did it very well, & to al their good likings: wher­upon one of them said merrily vnto him. Faith (fellow) playing so manie good pointes vpon the instrument as thou doest, be­stowe one vpon thy hose: Hee answered: Your Worship ha­uing found that poynt, I beseech you bestow it vpon me.

OF PHYSICK AND PHYSITIONS.

A Graue physicke Doctor reading by candle-light the se­crets of Nature, and finding among other thinges that a large and a broad beard betokens a foole: He straight took the candle in one hand, and a looking glasse in th'other, and be­gan to view what maner of beard his owne was. Now, holding the candle ouer neer: the flame set it on fire, and burnt it half off. Then all in a chafe throwing downe the glasse, he took pen and ink, and wrot in the margin of this secret, Probatum est.

A Vint [...]ner had taken in three or soure hogsheades of good wine, and seeing a physition passe along, he fill'd an Vrinal half full of it, and shew'd it him for a sicke mans water. The physiti­on viewing it, and tossing it vp and downe a good space, at last he said: that the patient whose water that was, was full of bad humors, and had need to be purg'd and let bloud: You Duns (answered the Vintener) it is good pisse, and with that drunke it cleane off, and when he had done, threwe the Vrinall at the Doctors head.

[Page 72]A bad Painter that neuer drew good picture in all his life, found small thrift in his trade for want of vtterance of his rude shapes: and went to dwell in another place, where hee was not knowne, and there tooke vpon him the practise of physick, and was the death of many a one: At last an acquaintāce of his com­ming to that town, chaunc'd to see him, and asking him what he made in a Physitions robe, and why he had giuen ouer his old trade: Hee answered: Faith, I am nowe become as you see, to th'end the earth may bury al my ignorance & errors hereafter.

An olde Gentlewoman was ouer-carefull of her sonnes health, who was not greatlie diseased, & said to the Physition: I maruell (M. Doctor) that you cheere vp my sonne no more, I pray you physick him daintely that he may be well againe and walke abroad: Whereunto the Doctor answered: Giue him then two fetherbeds more.

A delicate Gent. being somewhat sickish, sent often for the Physition to come to him, & one morning he sent for him pur­posely to come feele his pulse: The Doctor came and felt it, and the Gentleman then said vnto him: How say yee (M. Doctor) doth not my pulse beat very softly? Yes Sir, (answered the Do­ctor) He that rides on an Asse must needs goe faire & softly.

A Physition sent for a Farriar to cure his horse of the Bots, and after hee had done, the Doctor offred him two shillinges, which the Smith tefused, saying: We fellow-craftsmen vse not to take money of one another.

One ask'd a Physition what was the reason, that when one passeth Doctor of physicke, they put him on gilt spurres, and create him a Gentleman: He answered merrilie: To war-fare health.

The Spaniards call the 7. starres the 7. Goates: There was a Physick-Doctor in Salamanca, whose father was a rich coun­trey swaine, and lou'd Kids flesh aboue any other meate: This swaine died, and this Doctor his sonne comming to his funerall, his brothers requested him to tell thē by his skill in Astrology [Page 73] what was become of their fathers soule: Foorth then he went in the euening, and cast his eye toward the seuen Goates, & fin­ding the full number of those starres, he sigh'd, and said: Deere brethren so it is, that I feare me our father is damned, for were he ascended into heauen, out of doubt hee had by the way de­uoured some foure or fiue of yonder Goates (poynting to the starres) so well he lou'd Goates flesh in his life time (as yee all know) But behold, yonder may you see the ful number of seuen still; wherefore I greatly feare he is either descended into hell, or els is gone to heauen some farre way about.

A Doctor of physick examining a student, who was to take degree in that faculty, among other questions asked him, what was the reason that the plague-sore commonly takes men in the groyne, or in the Arme-pit: He answered: Because it is the fashion.

A Physitions sonne sickned, and besought his father to phy­sicke him: who answered: Sonne, Physicke and medicines are ours to sell, not to vse.

A Gentlewoman chyding her chamber-maid, said: Thou art euen as filthy as a Physitions eye.

Doctor Parra a Spanish Physition came to vsite his Patient Don Garcia Manrique, the Duke of Nazareth his son, the Dukes Muliter being also sick at the same time: They asking him what diet they should giue them: He answered: Giue Don Garcia halfe a chicken, and the Muliter a pound and a halfe of Beefe.

A Gentleman saying to an vnlearned Physition: Whether a wayes maister Hors-leach, whether trudge you so fast? He an­swered: To cure your Worship.

One compar'd Physitions to haukes, which if they kill but Partridges, are valued not aboue thirtie Crownes: If Duckes & Mallards at fiftie: if Herons at two hundred: So Physitions, if they kill but Clownes and pesants, are not greatly esteemed: if Gentl. or Knights, they are reasonable: but if they kill Lords or great states, thē are they great Clearks, & highly accompted of.

[Page 74]A Physition being asked what might bee the reason of the stone and Stranguillion in men: hee answered: Fie vpon false Millers that grinde with such grauellie Quearnes.

A Physition comming to feele a Ladies pulse, and thinking to doe it very manerly, as though (forsooth) he were vnworthy to touch her, drew her smock sleeue ouer her wrest, & so felt it

A Physition riding ouer Shooters hill in Kent was afraide of Theeues, and by chance he saw a farre off a troope of people a­fore him. Wherupon he bid his man ryde towards them, to dis­couer what they were: Mean time he hid himselfe close behind a bush: The fellow comming vnto them, vnderstood that they conducted a murtherer to execution: Wherupon (being a mad knaue) he straight set spurres to his horse, & galloped back again amain toward his maister, stil beckning vnto him all the way as he posted, to be gone, and shift for himselfe: Which the Doctor perceiuing, away hee flinges backe againe toward London, as though he had had a deuill at his tayle, and being alighted at his Inne, he there attended his mans comming: Who eftsoons ar­riued, all panting, and blowing, said vnto him: Happy you (ma­ster) that are so well escaped. Gogs nownes, he to be hang'd for killing only one man, what would they haue done with you (I trow) who haue slaine so many in your dayes?

OF IVSTICES, LAWYERS, and Scriueners.

A Fellon being condemned to die, said to the Iudge: I sum­mon you to appeare within 30. dayes at the Tribunall of God, to answere the iniustice you haue done me, and see you faile not heerof: The Iudge heerat smil'd, & faid to one that stood by: I pray you appeare for me at that day, for (I assure you) I haue so much businesse now in hand, that I shall not be able to dispatch so soone.

A presumptuous Fellon being brought to the barre, tolde the Iudge that he look'd like Pilate: Wherunto the Iudge an­swered: [Page 75] At leastwise I will not wash my handes with Pilate to condemne so very a Varlet as thou.

An Abbot disclaiming before a Iustice to the temporal law, and saying that hee was to be tri'd by the Cleargie, and not by the Layety: The Iustice straight will'd his Mule to be seas'd vp­on for the Plaintiffes debt and then answered: At leastwise (fa­ther) your Mule is of the Layety.

Ronquillio a Spanish Iustice vsed to say: That it is good to hang a theefe of what age soeuer he be: a yong theefe to th'end he may steale no more, and an old theefe for his former thefts.

The Marques of Santilliana commended Iustice, because it winnes good men to applaud it, and Clemencie bad men.

In a towne in the Low-countries a Spanish prisoner scap'd out of prison down by a ladder, which was priuily conuay'd vnto him by a wench which bore him good wil in that towne, & yet neuertheles it was his hap to be taken again: And being ar­raigned for the fact, it was euident that such his breach of pri­son was cheefly for the wenches sake: Wherupon Graue Mau­rice (sitting thē vpon the bench) merrily said vnto him: Is it pos­sible thou couldst not get vp vpon her without a ladder? and so pardon'd him.

A Lawyer had wasted much money about a stone-building, which was so ill contriued, as euery man accompted his ex­pence vaine. A Client of his came to him for his aduise in a mat­ter of Law, & he being at that present in a chafe with his work­men, said vnto him: You do this and that, and I know not what, and all off your owne head, & then you blame the Lawyer for all: The Client heerunto answered: Sir, my ouersight in this case is but sleight, but yours is of lime and stone.

One comming to a Lawyer for his aduise in law without ere a fee; the Lawyer said vnto him: How wil you haue your lampe burn without oyle?

Certaine countrimen came to a Lawyer to know his opini­on in this case, namelie, whether if they and the whole parish, [Page 76] being able to prooue that their Curate kept a wench, he might be deposed from his cure, and another put in his place. The Do­ctor then asked them, whether the wench were of that parish, or a stranger: they answered, a stranger of such a place: and named where. Euen so (reply'd the Doctor) Faith, tell me thē (sirs) you knowing your Curate to be a man of such a disposition, doe you not thinke it more tollerable that hee keepe a Lasse of a strange place, rather then of your owne parish?

An old woman had a shee-Asse which shee loued passing well, because both at mill and at market it had done her much good seruice along time: This olde woman dying, willed her Executors to let this Asse liue the remainder of her dayes in rest and peace from all maner labour and paines, and all the day long to run at pasture, and euery night to be allowed a peck of oats: this to continue during the natural life of the said Asse. And to this effect, she bequeathed a portion of money to be dis­posed of from time to time in oats for the Asse, & so died. Short­ly after the Asse died also: Then the olde womans sonne (who had a colt of the aforesaid asse) finding that the Asse at her death time had left behind her a good quantity of her allowance in oates vnspent, which he lawfully demanding of the Executors, they denyed to deliuer him: He thereupon came to a graue Do­ctor in law to haue his aduise in the case: Whereunto the Do­ctor in full notice of all the matter, thus resolu'd him. viz. That he might lawfully enter his action against the aforesaid execu­tors for the oates: because both he himselfe was heire vnto his mother, as also his colt (to whose vse he was chiefly to pretend it) was the other Asses natural issue and heir apparant. This was the Law-doctors sage opinion vpon this text, which hee con­cluded he would warrant for good law.

One telling an honest Gentleman that he doubted not, but his friend should speed well in his Law-matter, hauing so good a purse, and so great friends: The Gent answered: If that bee all your hope, the more is the pity.

[Page 77]A widow Gentlewoman in King Henry the 7. dayes, gaue the Feasant for her cognizance, and one Cooke her aduersarie Attorney in Law, said at the barre in disgrace of her cause, that he doubted not ere he had done, but he wold throughly plume her Feasant, and make it a poore bird: The Gentlewoman an­swered: Then is it great pitie so faire a birde should fall into so foule a Cooks handling.

Two Lawyers met the next day after the tearme, and th'one saide to th'other: I am sure you carie full bagges downe with you into the countrey, hauing made so good a haruest of this Tearme: Not so (answered the other) rather doe I thinke you haue: For your bagges (I dare say) are so top-full of fees, that when you throw them downe vpon the boord, they make no sound at all as mine doe: Th'other reply'd: Then belike I haue the oddes of you in money, and you of me in musicke.

A simple Iustice was complain'd vnto of a wrong sentence he had giuē against one: And he answered: Quod esquilse, esquilse viz, Quod scripst, scripst.

A souldiour comming to a Lawyer to haue a bill drawne, The Lawyer did it: And then hee offred him his sword in pay­ment: Wherunto the Lawyer excepted, and said: Blade me no bladings, but giue me good gheult.

A great Lawyer loosing his money at Cardes, was in a pel­ting chafe, and by chaunce a friend of his comming in, and mar­ueilling to see him so teasty: The Lawyer sayd: I doe but can­uasse the errour of this action.

A miserable petti-fogger and his boy traueilling vp to the tearme, & wading through a brooke, the streame was so strong that it bore him quite away: And euen as his legges began to faile him, he turn'd backe to his boy, and said: Nowe is it time if thou hast any thing of mine, come giue it me quickly.

The Emperour Charles at his first entrie into Toledo, tooke an oath (according to the prerogatiue of that place) to preserue and secure vnto the Citizens all their auncient rites and priui­ledges [Page 78] inuiolable, which after he had sworn, and that the towns publike Notarie had ingrossed it of record. The saide Notarie then said vnto him: If your Majesty please to performe what you haue heere sworne, God blesse you: if not: God incline your heart that you may, and blesse you neuerthelesse.

A young Scriuener read a bill of sale to his maister, and the words went thus: Be it known vnto all men to whom this pre­sent bill shall come or appertaine, that I, A.B of such a place, doe by these presents passe, graunt, giue, and make ouer vnto C.D. of such a place, all my lands and possessions lying and being in such a place, for the summe of so much money alredie in hande receiued: And heerat he paused a while to spette: Whereat his surlie maister (half angrie & testie) said: On, on, with a mischiefe: Then the fellow proceeded, and read: Namely, to you and your heires, and to al that shall or may heerafter issue from them and theirs to the worlds end.

A Scriuener was writing a Marchantes last will and testa­ment, in which the marchant expressed many debts that were owing him, which he will'd his executors to take vp, and dis­pose to such and such vses. A kinsman of this Marchantes then standing by, and hoping for some good thing to be bequeathed him, long'd to heare some good newes to that effect, and [...]aide vnto the Scriuener: hagh, hagh, what saith my vncle now? Doth he now make his Maundies? No (answered the Scriuener) he is yet in his demaunds.

A Scriuener taking an inuentorie of all the goods and chat­tels of a dissembling Iew, one will'd him to set downe certaine flitches of Bacon that hung in his kitchin chimney: Wherunto the Scriuener answered: No, they are no mooueables, for I dare say, they are by this time of day deep rooted in his beleefe.

OF LOVE AND LOVERS.

ANamorous Asse perfum'd his loue-letter to his maistresse, and fearing least she should neg­lect how sweet it was, wrote in a post-script vn­derneath: I pray you (maistresse) after you haue read this letter, smell to it.

A widow Gentlewoman hearing a yoong Noblemans discourse vnto her of the mariageable loue he bare her daughter, and she objecting that she was too meanly discen­ded to be wife to so great a Lord as he: He answered: A more matter is loue then Lordship.

A Gentleman seeing a faire Gentlewoman at a window, he volted and carabetted vpon his horse a good space before her, and at last away he pranced: Anon after he came that way again, and did as before, and so continued a good while: At last he de­parted for good and all, and being come home, he sent her two bottles of Orange flower water by his page: Which the Gen­tlewoman accepting, said vnto the page: Now, I pray thee (my Lad) thanke thy maister, and tel him, that I thought his euening wind would turne to water.

A Spaniard going to a femal house in Antwarp, was deman­ded by a friend of his, whether he went: Who answered: To practise vpon a sinner in th'act of charitie.

Celestina is a daintie pastorall loue-booke in Spanish, and it signifieth Celestiall: A Scholler comming to visit his maistresse, she desired him to helpe her to the saide Celestina: Who answe­red: Your selfe being the Originall, what would you doe with the translation?

Fuente in Spanish signifies a fountaine: Two Gent. came to visit a Gentlewomā, whose Paramour was one Senior Fuente [Page 80] They walking in the hall together, one of them said: Lord what a fresh house is this, I haue not come in a fresher? Th'other an­swered: No marueill, for it hath a Fuente in it: viz. a fountaine.

A Gent. had stolne a faire maid away downe at a windowe and a kinswoman of his asked him how they had the hearts to venter so dangerously: He answered: Our loues were so ardent that had we not conuaid our selues out at the window for aire, we had quite consum'd one another.

A Gentlewoman went to Church so concealed, that shee thought no body could know her: It chanced that her Louer met her, and knew her, and spake vnto her: Sir (shee answered) you mistake me, how know yee me? All too well (reply'd the Gent.) for so soone as I met you, behold my wounds fell fresh a bleeding: Oh heerof you only are guilty.

One asked a Scholler how a man ought to demean himselfe in his first loues to his Maistresse: He answered; Tell her once that you loue her, and then let the Deuil worke the rest.

A Gent. said vnto a Gentlewoman: Faire Maistresse, long haue I lou'd you, and till now haue alwayes been abasht to de­clare you my Loue: Alasse good sir (she answered) in sooth had you told me of your loue euen at the first, you had hazarded to loose no more then you doe at this present.

A Gentleman bore certaine Gentlewomen in hande, how that by his skill in palmestry he could tel them all their fortunes: A Gentlewoman of the company, to whom hee was particu­larly deuoted, then reacht him forth her hand, to see what judg­ment he would giue vpon it: who after he had view'd it a good while, in the end he said vnto her: In sooth all my fortune lies in your hand.

A Gent. had been a long time suter to a Gentlewoman, who still rewarded his loue but with skorne and disdaine: Neuer­thelesse he bore himselfe still a suter vnto her: and playing mu­sick on a time vnder her window, shee gaue him the hearing a while, and at last threw a wispe of strawe at him in derision: [Page 81] He not greatly offended therat, said: Of a bad pay-maister bet­ter yet take straw then nothing.

A yoong Gent. being proffered a great mans daughter in mariage, deliberated many moneths vpon the mater: And be­ing asked why hee so long delayed his consent, answered: The affair which is to be done but once for euer, ought to be large­ly thought vpon.

A Gent. was a suter to a faire Gentlewoman, and comming in an afternoone to court her, he found her then at cards with an other Gent. whome he had in jealosie of a corriuall: And within a while she said, See, see (I pray) what bad cards he deals me: He answered: Lady, receiue them not.

A Portugall woonted to say, that fine loue consists only in talking, dauncing and feasting with faire Ladies, the rest Asses can doe as well as men.

A maid was cheapning somewhat at a Haberdashers shop, and as they were iesting together, shee asked him who was his maistresse: With that the Haberdasher took downe a looking glasse, and held it before her, and said: Loe there may you see her, if you please.

Halfe a foole went a wooing; and by the way he seem'd ve­rie pensiue, and ful of muses: Certaine his companions that met him and knew his errand, one of them said vnto the rest: Mee thinks (sirs) maister N. goes very sollomly a wooing: He thinks belike (answered another) what foolerie to speak first vnto his maistresse: Hee need not doe so (adioyn'd the third) for in a kit­chin well burnish'd supper is soone furnish'd.

A maide of fifty yeares of standing was proffered to a yong Gentleman in mariage, with a great portion, and besides that that she was so olde, she was withall yll-fauoured: Moreouer it was his good hap vpon a time to haue a sight of her bare leg, as she alighted from off her horse, & he saw that it was nothing but skin and bone, and as yellow as a Kytes foot. At the verie same time was also proffered him a verie faire yoong maide in [Page 82] mariage of an eighteen yeers olde, but her portion simple and small: neuertheles this yoong Gallant chose her, and refused the other: And being demaunded why he did so, he answered: I view'd the figure below, & saw that there remained good 18.

A faire Gentl [...]woman caught a flea vpon the belly-part of her kertle, and said: Why how now Flea? what, Fleas so bolde in winter? Her suter then standing by answered: It is all sum­mer thereawaies.

An ill fauor'd Gentlewoman ask'd a yoong Gent. whether he were in loue or no: Who answered, that he was: Then she to trie how well he could fancy her, said vnto him: If you were not, I would entertain you for my seruant: He answered: Tush you doe but say so: I dare say you would not.

One ask'd an ill-fauor'd widdow why shee did not marie: she answered: Because if any marrie me, it will be rather for my goods, then for my owne sake, and then will he be to me not as a kind husband, but only as a friend, or a wel-willer.

A widow Gentlew. who had buried her verie kind husband being perswaded to marrie again, she answered: The death of a deare husband ought not disannull the loue of a chast wife.

A sharpe dame in disdaine of her suter, sent him this mes­sage: Who er'e shall be my husband, must haue these foure S­ses. viz. He must be sage, sole, secrete, solatious: Wherunto her suter return'd her this answer againe: And whoeuer shall be my wife, must be none of these foure Cees. viz. Common, crooked, curst, carelesse.

One asking his inamor'd friend, how he could finde in his heart to loue such a fops, being shee was neither faire nor well fauor'd, but a very slut, & that had a stinking breath withall. He answered: Oh she makes ye most fine sops.

A reuerend Licentiate at law was a suter to a fair Gentlewo­man, and she skorning him, stil return'd him tart & squeamish quippes: Wherupon on a time he said vnto her: Gentlewomā, you greatly forget your selfe to injure me so highly, conside­ring [Page 83] both my honest loue towardes you, as also my grauity, who am (as you know) a Licentiat in Law. Wherunto she an­swered: Hauing lost the game, plead you now for leauings?

One being asked why he loued so extreamly such a foule, crooked, and squint ey'd creature: he answered: She makes yee a most daintie Sallade of Lettuce.

A Gentl. comming to visite his friend sore loue-sick a bed, and desiring to know his so cruell mistresse: he answered: Oh (sir) Bereft of bliss a beldame caused this.

A yoong Gent. viewing ouer-curiously a marchants faire wife, by chance a vertuous kinsman of his came by; and noting it, saide vnto him: That which cannot bee lawfully coueted, ought not to be curiously regarded.

OF HVSBANDS, AND WIVING.

A Spright appear'd to one by night, & miserably amaz'd him yet in the end being somewhat reuiu'd from feare, he thus bespake it: If thou be God or any of his good Angels, I knowe thou wilt not hurt me: And if thou be the deuill or his Dame, I likewise hope no lesse, because I haue married thy sister: mea­ning his shrewd wife.

A seruing-man was a suter to a maids dishonestie, who as­ked him, whether he meant to marie her yea, or no: He answe­red No: For that better could he affoord her sheets, then ruffes.

A faire yoong wife asking her vnkinde kind-husband the cause of his jealosie: he answered: Fai [...]h (wife) not in respect that I any whit distrust thy true and loyall loue towards me, but be­cause I see all the world ouer-loueth thee: So that though I dare trust thee with al the world, as being my most true turtle doue; yet dare I not trust all the world with thee, because thou art all too faire, and men ouer-loue thee.

The Earle of Orgas was woont to say, that who so submit­teth himselfe to his wiues supremacie, doth all one as if he fed with his feet, & march'd on his hands.

[Page 84]A Duke being highlie offended with his slaue, wold haue hang'd him, but at last aduising vpon a worser torment (as hee thought) said: No, hanging is all too easie a death, I'le marie him to a shrowe.

One asked an acquaintance of his, whether hee were yet a married man or no: he answered: What, an Ape clogg'd vp in a chimney corner? Faith no.

In a plague time a Constable passing by his neighbors house, and hearing his wife sore lamming him, that night hee set vp a red crosse vpon his doore, whereat the neighbour the next morning highlie offended, tore it down, and complain'd to the the Alderman of the ward of the high injury the Constable had therein done him: who being presently sent for, thus he answe­red the matter: And like your Worship, his wife sore beate him yesterday, and I think there cannot be a greater plague in a house then that, and therfore I did it.

A Musition singing vnder a Gentlemans windowe, The faire wife proou'd a shrewe, &c. The Gentleman straight arose frō out his bed, and looking out at the window, said vnto him: The faire wife you speake of, well may you goe seeke her els where, for here she is not: but as for the shrew, she is heer a bed with me

An old Gentleman had prouided a wife for the wisakre his sonne, to whome he gaue in great charge, during the bridall time not to speake any one word for feare the Brides friendes should happelie discouer his foolerie: So all dinner time there sate the wise Gentleman silly silent (God knowes) not forgetting to vse his chappes more then his tongue: At last the Brides friendes perceiuing such his foolish silence, whispered his dis­grace in one anothers eare, & sore beflouted him. Among the rest, one of them said to his next commensall: Questionlesse the Bride-groome is a iollie wise yoong Gentleman, see how sol­lomly he sits, and I warrant you he thinkes vpon some waigh­tie matter: He ouer-hearing this, loudlie saide vnto his father there present: Sir, well may I now be bolde to speake, for that [Page 85] (I see) they haue now discouered mee▪

One aduis'd his friend to choose his wife rather with his eares, then with his eies.

A Maid was proffered to one in marriage, and her friends were offended that the partie so long paus'd vpon the choise: Wherunto he answered: Is she foule? then is she odious: If fair? then is she hard to keep: These be the extreames I muse vpon.

One woonted to say, that to a peaceable life in mariage it were meet the husband were deafe, and the wife blind.

A faire woman tooke an yll-fac'd man to husband, and her beauty still more and more increased: A pleasant Gent. noting it, said: That he neuer in all his life sawe an apple in a cowshare continue so long vnrotten.

One vs'd to say, that the best choyse of a wife is by Areth­meticke.

A man of worship maried a poore mans daughter, and cer­taine his friendes questioning with his brother, what portion her friendes gaue with her, he answered: To fast with breade and water.

A Bride-groome said vnto his spouse: When as at such a time I sollicited thy chastity, hadst thou then condiscended, I should neuer haue lou'd thee after, neither had we been now man and wife, for I did it purposely to trie thee: She answe­red: Faith I thought as much, but such a one taught mee more wit then so seuen yeares agoe.

A shrewd wise chid her husbande out of doores, and hee stepping foorth into the street, stumbled with his nose into the kennell, and at rising vp againe, hee said: Better heer yet then within door [...]s.

A man had a shrewd wife, and he one day broke her head, the cure whereof cost him deere expence afterward: Insomuch as his wife in regard thereof, saide on a time vnto her gossips: Faith my husband wil not dare giue me no more broken heads in hast, considering how deere he finds them in the cure: Her [Page 86] husband hearing of such her braues, sent the next day for the Surgeons and Apothecaries, and in her presence paid them all their billes, & gaue ech of them twenty shillings ouer & aboue saying: Hold this (sirs) against the next time.

One vs'd to say, that the father giues the portion, but God the good wife.

Two yoong men were suters to a rich mans daughter, the one was rich, th'other poore, and hee bestow'd her vpon the poore suter? Being demaunded why he did so, he answered: Be­cause the poore batcheller is wise, and may repaire his liuing in time, but th'other a foole, and like to bring all to nought.

One woonted to say, that the greatest pleasure a married man can haue, is the hope he hath to burie his wife shortly wherby to become a new suter to an other.

A great personage but olde withall, married a faire yoong maid in a manner perforce, and against her friends good willes: Wherupon one merrily descanted and said: That hee married her perforce, and she him sans force.

In Spaine it is lawfull to marrie by Attorney. One besought his deare friend to marrie a faire maide in his absence to his vse, affirming that they were already priuily contracted before witnesse: His friend (with licence of the Church first obtained) did so: And after the mariage ended, he & the Bride sate down together in a pew: And hee spake neuer a worde vnto her: which the neighbors marueilling at, asked him why he was so strange to the Bride: he answered: Well haue I leaue to wed her for my friende, but not to speake the first follie vnto her: that's his right, and he must haue it.

A louing wife said vnto her husbande as shee lay a dying: Deere husband, you that are voide of all sinne, I beseech you pray for me.

One ask'd a yoong Gentleman, what he meant to marie so deafe a Gentlewoman: he answered: Because I hop'd she was also dumbe.

[Page 87]One enueighing against such as choose their wiues chiefly for beautie, said: That such maner of wiues after the first sixe moneths, are foule to their husbands, and faire to all other men.

Of one that had maried a foule woman with a rich portion, another s [...]id that he took her meerly by waight, without fashiō

One Ducket a far marchant was held among his neighbors vnable in generation, & his fine wife being on a time in con­uersation among her gossips, and talking of big husbands, shee said: And I for my part (thanks be to God) haue Ducket ynough (as you all know) and yet I assure yee, hee is too light by two graines.

One asking his neighbour how old his wife was: he answe­re [...]: Her marke is not yet out.

One woonted to say: If your wife bid you throw your self out at a window, pray God that it be not far to the ground.

A Gardener being to be hang'd, his wife came to giue him her last kisse at the ga [...]lows: to whom he said: Fie on thee (bag­gage) thus are wee like to thriue well at the yeares end: there cannot be a meeting in all the countrey, but still thou wilt bee sure to make one: Home and weed, home and weed with a ve­ry vengeance.

The Admirall of Castile said: that who so takes a wife, is like a souldiour that goes to the warres, to oppose himselfe against all encounter.

One hearing a curst husband threatening his shrewd wife that vnlesse shee held her tongue hee would beate her with his dagger, said vnto him: If you beat her with the dagger, she'll beat you with the scabberd.

OF WOMEN.

ONe demanded of a Physition, why men still sue to women, & women neuer to men: Hee answered: Because women are alwaies ready for men, and men not alwaies for women.

[Page 88]One asked a Gentlewoman, why other femals for the most part resist the male in generation, and only women most gent­ly yeeld vnto it: She answered: because women are no beasts.

A Gentlewoman greatly importuning a plaine countrey­man to deliuer his opinion what seasons he thought a woman fittest for a man: In th' end (after manie curtesies and much a do) he answered: In sooth (Maistresse) whensoeuer a man is ready for a woman.

An vnciuill Captaine woonted to say that hee loued a wo­man and his chamberpot alike, neither of both but for his ease.

A maiden came to an olde Grocer to buy some virgin-wax, the Grocer at that instant was pounding spice in a morter: then thus he answered: Hold heer (faire maid) this pestle if you please but as for Virgin wax, the Deu'l a whit haue I this many a day.

A Gentleman comming to a marchants house, the Dogge flue at him at the doore, & he with his dagger smit off his taile: The good wife heerat was testie, & misus'd the Gent. in tearms: Wherupon he said: Why woman it is not a dogges taile can serue your turne.

A Gentlewoman being demanded whether shee lou'd her sons or her daughters best, she answered, her daughters: A Gent. that stood by then, said: Mee thinkes, God hauing made you a Carrier, you should loue a packneedle well.

A woman in anger said, what (I pray yee) doe you doubt of my honestie: No (answered th'other,) for it neuer stood in my way.

A maide had swallowed a dramme too much, not know­ing that shee was with childe, but felt a paine in her belly, & car­ried her water to a Physition, complayning to him of the grief: Who answered: Be a good cheere (wench) for I'le warrant thee within these fewe monethes you shall haue the cause of your paine in your armes.

An vnchast woman of life was commending a mans hone­sty to his face in honest company: he disdaining such her praise [Page 89] as proceeding from a woman of her infamie, said. I hope I was neuer dishonest with you, that you should thus commend mee before all this good companie.

King Edward the fourth was woont to say, that a womans greatest difficulty is, to hold her peace.

A Gent. requested a thing of an vnchast Gentlewoman: and she answered, Faith sir no: had I a hundred thinges, you should not haue any one of thē: Say you so (reply'd the Gent.) I knew the time when hauing but one onely thing, you let a hundred vse it.

An incontinent Bride thinking her mariage day ouer-long, and longing for night, said vnto her gossips. Now, would God it were euen now night, or els that I were vnmaried againe.

A chollericke person and a woman were a chyding toge­ther, and by chance an acquaintance of his came by: who saide vnto him: Lord, what ayle yee to chyde so with that woman, I know her of olde, she is too hard a match for you: He answe­red: Then a Gods name, let her chyde with S. Peter, S. Martin, Bristoll, Yorke, London and not with me.

One vs'd to say: Who so hath a daughter but twenty yeers olde, well may hee bestow her vpon her better, if 25. vpon her equall, if aboue 25. then vpon whosoeuer lift to haue her.

A rich man had a daughter aboue 30. yeares olde, who found her selfe greatly aggreeued that he had not all that while prouided her a husband. Vpon a time hee inuited to dinner to him his fiue sonnes, who were all maried in the same towne: Now this stale maid, their sister, then hop'd that such their me­ting was purposely to determin vpon a good husband for her, but it fell out otherwise, For after that dinner was done, the fa­ther said thus vnto them: (Sonnes) I haue bid you all to dinner to day, to th'end that euery of you resolue me, where you mean to be buried when you die, or whether you thinke it not best, that I build a tombe for vs altogether: Now let me heare your good aduises in this behalfe: Then the eldest sonne said: For my [Page 90] part (father) I desire to be buried in the parish-Church where I chance to die, & so the rest in a row all as they thought good. At last when they had all sayd, the father turn'd him about to his daughter, and ask'd her where she would be buried: She answered; Faith no where (father) for I am like to die desperate and for such as die so, well you wot, the Church allowes them no buriall at all.

A yoong Gentlewoman that went for a virgin, and was none, being child-sicke, the Physition ask'd her where her greatest griefe lay: shee answered: Me thinkes I feele my heart bounce against my bellie.

A merrie water-man said to a Gentlewoman as hee ferried her ouer the water: My boat (maistresse) hath a leak just wher­as you sit, yet feare not a Gods name, for there's no amisse, but may be amended.

One in wrangle with a woman gaue her the lie: an other that stood by then answered: why, women are best whē they lie.

One enticing another mans wife to vnlawfull lust: shee said: All the while I was a maid I obey'd my parentes, and now that I am a vvife I obey my husband: wherfore, if your request be honest and reasonable, goe mooue it to my husband.

A faire Gentlewoman was maried away by her friends to an ill-fac'd, and a crooked person: And a kinswoman of hers comming to comfort her on a time, shee said: As for friendes (cosen) it is meet they be gallant Gent. but as for husbands, we must take them as we find them.

A notable lewd Gentleman saying to a Gentlewoman that he lou'd her as his soule: She answered: I had rather you said, you lou'd me as your body.

A Gentleman being booted & spurr'd ready to take horse, came to take his leaue of his Maistresse, who answered: Well may you aske me leaue for the next time, for at this time you haue taken it of your selfe.

A Gentlewoman in extremitie of labour, sware that if it [Page 91] pleas'd God she might escape death for that once, shee would neuer in all her life after hazard her selfe to the like daunger a­gaine: but being at last safely deliuered, she then said to one of the midwiues: So, now put out the holie candle, and keepe it till the next time.

A Gentleman taking his leaue of his mistresse, said: I kisse your hands and your feete: She answered. Forget not (I pray) the station betweene.

One saying to a woman▪ Vpon my soule doe this: Shee an­swered: Stake downe some other pawne, for that's forfeited already.

An olde Gentlewoman sent her daughter in law a boxe of preserues, who tasting therof said: Lord, how sowre is this Su­gre: So said in reference belike that it came frō a mother in law.

Two corriuals to a Maides dishonestie, drew and fought vnder her windowe: and she looking out said: Sirres, you mi­stake, your quarrel is not to be ended with steel, but with gold and siluer.

A lasciuious Dame conuersing among her Gossips, alluded thus cunninglie to her husbandes ingeneratiuenesse, saying: In sooth my husband (thanks be to God) hath many good parts in him, he is a good Musition, he writes wel, and he can cast an accompt no man better, saue only that he cannot multiply.

An old woman seeing the Bride her daughter vnarray her selfe fearfullie to bedward, as who would say: Lord, is this the last houre of my maiden-head? She said vnto her: Faith (Daugh­ter) and if it pleas'd God, would I were to abide all thy paines too night.

A Gentleman saying to a yoong Gentlewoman, who had been fiue weares a wife, and neuer had any child: I greatly mar­uell that your belly reares not: She answered: How would you haue aire puffe vp my bellie, hauing none in my head: She tax­ed therein her husbands insufficiencie.

A Gen. meeting his mistresse late in an euening at a cōueniēt [Page 92] backe side, for hastie businesse that he had, only saluted her, and passed on: An other Gentlewoman, this Gentlewomans fami­liar, seeing and noting this out at a window, and knowing with all their mutuall loues, said the next day vnto her: How chan­ced it that yesternight such a one meeting you in such a conue­nient place, he so slightly forsooke you, bearing you so great good-will, as I know he doth: She answered: The truth is, he refused to take the blot, and so lost the game.

One asking another what was the reason that such a Gen­tlewoman being but a poore widdow had so manie faire maids in her seruice: Th'other answered: Because shee affoordes them free scope, as Hanniball did to his souldiours at Capua.

A Gentlewoman disdaining her suter, said vnto him: A woman of my calling to loue so base a groome as your master­ship, faith sir no: He answered: Yes, the rather for my basenesse, for that women are shee-Wolues, that commonly pray vpon the basest carrion.

One being asked why he enueighed so sore against women kind, considering that so many good Authours haue from time to time whole-vollumed their praises: Hee answered: They wrote what women ought to be, but I say what they are.

Pedro Mexia woonted to say, that a woman is the heauen of a mans eye, the hell of his soule, & the purgatorie of his purse.

Th'Earle of Vrenia woonted to say, that the vertuous life of a widdow bridles the wicked tongue to silence, and spurres the vertuous to commend her.

A widdow ouer-liued her two husbands, whereof the first died rich, and left her full bags, & yet withal vs'd her but hard­ly in his life time: th'other spent all & lest her poore, yet whiles he liued vs'd her very well and kindly, These two being both buried in one Church, and neer one another, shee one day stan­ding between both their graues, said vnto certaine her gossips there: See ye heer these two graues? Heer in this graue lieth ful bagges, and there lies spend all: now the deu'll take them both.

[Page 93]A kind wife followed her husband to the gallowes, and he requesting her not to trouble her selfe any farther, she answe­red: Ah yes (deer Husband) now that I haue brought you thus farre on your way, faith I'le see you hang'd too, God willing.

A Gent. comming to visit a yoong Maid, found her a wor­king of her wedding wast-coat, and he ask'd her when shee would haue done it: She answered, quicklie: and then sighingly adjoin'd: Ah heerin I am to loose my maiden-head.

A yoong wife expostulating with her midwife her neer paines in labour with the childe shee went withall, and af­firming that questionlesse shee should neuer bee able to abide them: Yes (answered the (midwife) I warrant you (mistresse) you will refuse white bread and milk that houre. And so she did in­deed, for the Midwife presenting her white bread and milke in that agonie, she refus'd it for verie paine.

Two gossips chatting late in an euening by the fires side, at last one of them said vnto her maid: Nann, light a candle, & with that fetch'd a great sigh, and added: For well I wot, thy old mai­ster lou'd light aboue any earthly joy: and now I pray God the light of heauen faire befall him: Whereunto th'other gossip answered: And I for my part (Gossip had a husband that aboue all thinges lou'd a good fire well, now hell fire light on him.

The Earle of Vrenia vsed to say, that a womans greatest jayle is modesty, and silence.

Two shrewes being at ciuill brabble about one anothers honestie, th'one of them said: I faith thou sauor'st of honestie, e­uen as a Cow doth of Aqua vitae: Th'other answered: And the honestie of thee, and the woolle of an olde dogge would make a good Cuckold-medlie.

One commending a proper woman who was an errand shrew, and withall verie talkatiue said: She is euen as gallant a woman as euer I set eie on, all but her tongue.

A Preacher in his good-friday sermon said vnto his parishi­oners: Sirs, who of you all will not in honour of this day for­giue [Page 94] his enemie with all his heart: With that a woman stept foorth and said: Sir, I doe: Whome (said the preacher:) Marie whosoeuer (quoth she) will doe so much as kill the knaue my husband.

OF CVCKOLDS.

A Cuckold innocent being informed that such a one was a bed with his wife: he answered: Knowing him as I doe to be a right honest man, I dare aduenture my wife a bed with him.

An honest man that had but one eie and a quean to his wife, entring vpon the sudden into his bed chamber by night, a knaue chanced to be then a bed with her, who hearing her husbands voice, shifted him suddenlie behind the doore, and thus she said vnto her Goodman: What husband, is't you euen welcome my good husband: I hope in God my dreame is come to passe: I was euē now adream'd that you could see with either of your eyes, in so much as I waked for joy, and I hope to find it true: And with that she arose from out her bed, & comming toward him: Good husband (she said) let me lay my finger on your see­ing eie, and then tell me whether you discerne anie thing with the other: He answered: No, not anie thing. In this mean time she beckened to the Adulterer to be gone: who straight slipped from behind the doore downe the staires, and so scap'd quite away.

One went a wooing, and by the way hee heard the Cuc­koe sing: Wherupon he turn'd backe againe, and sware that by the Masse he would prooue him a lyar.

One saluted his neigbour, and he refusing to resalute him, th'other said: So God me help, I see there is a kind of people in the world, that dare not d'offe their hattes for discouering their hornes.

A countreyman came to aske for a Gent. in a place where were a many other Gent. besides, and it was his chance to aske [Page 95] the Gent. himselfe: Who answered: My good friend, hee that you aske for, was hang'd many a day agoe: And wherefore I pray you sir? (reply'd the stranger:) Marie (hee answered) for a robberie: A robberie (quoth the stranger) Oh th'vngratious man, was he not content to be a Cuckold all his life, but hee would also prooue himselfe a theefe in th'end?

A poore country-man came from market, & brought home a sheepes head with him, hornes and all: His wife seeing it said: Why how now (husband) what a head like your owne?

A Spannish Cuckold was condemn'd to bee whipt by his wife at a cartes taile, condition, that if shee forbore to doe it in good earnest, she then to be whipt her selfe. So marching along in the street he after the cart, and she with rods after him, he of­tentimes turn'd back to her, & said: Kate, good Kate, lay thou on load on me, and let not them lay it on thee.

One saying merrilie to his neighbour: Is your wife an ho­nest woman (trow ye?) He answered: I cannot easily resolue you that question, for well may a womans dishonestie bee knowne by experience, but not her honestie.

A man being to be mark'd in the forehead for hauing three wiues at once: A Gent. that stood by, & knew the leuitie of his first, and lawfull wife, said: Aswell deserues he a forehead-mark for his first wife, as for th'other two.

A faire Gentlewoman danc'd her galliard passing well, & a Gent. highlie commended her good grace therein: The foole her husband then standing by, was proude to heare his wife so praised, and adjoyn'd. Oh but (Gent) if you knew her a bed, as I doe, you would say she were euen the sweetest woman in the world.

An English man asked a French man what was French for a Cuckold: Who answered ( Cocque) Why then I pray (quoth the Englishman) is this true French to say, Monsieur [...]ous estes Cocque. The Frenchman finding himself touch'd, answered▪ Yea (sir) it is true French in the plurall number, but not in the sin­gular.

[Page 96]A Cuckold telling a Gentleman that he knew an Italian who made 160. pounds a yeere of a Ciuit Cat which his father left him, and affirming that it were good, if euery yoonger bro­ther in England were so well prouided for: The Gent. answe­red: I doubt not but your wife yeelds you twise as much eue­ry yeere.

A Cuckold seeing out at a window his wife and another in lasciuious embraces: & hearing her protest how deerly she lou'd him aboue al the men in the world: He said aloud vnto him: Be­leeue her not (friend) beleeue her not: for (I assure you) she hath tolde me asmuch a thousand, and a thousand times, and yet haue I still found her false.

OF BASTARDS.

THe Archbishop of Saragosa and an other Gent. who were both base borne walked together in a field, and meeting with a countrey-man, the Gent. pointed hornes at him with his two fingers, saying: How saist thou (friend) are they euen or odde? He answered: No ods (sir) and but euen a pair of Bastardes.

A Bastard was telling his friend that he was as much behol­ding to such a one as to his owne father: Why (said th'other) can you possibly be beholding to any so much as to your own father? he answered: You haue reason: Yes (repli'd th'other) you are more beholding to your mother, that chose you such a fa­ther, then to your father that chose you such a mother.

An olde and a yoong Gent. being at tearmes of enmitie, the yoong Gallant said: Bethinke thy selfe well, and thou shalt find that thou art a base groom to me, and that we are not fellowes by oddes: True (answered the old Gent.) for indeed I verie well remember, your father & I were fellowes & bedfellowes too, not passing nine moneths before you were borne. He spake it in reference that the world thought he had somtimes knowne [Page 97] the others mother carnallie.

A yoong bastard throwing stones among a multitude of people: one said vnto him: Ware (boy) thou hit not thy father.

OF TABLE MATTER.

AN honest man inuited a Physition to dinner, and at din­ner time drunk to him in a cup of wine: Wherunto the Physition excepted, and said: That hee durst not pledge him in wine for feare of pimples & inflammations in his face: The other then answered: A foule yll on that face that makes the whole body fare the worse.

An Italian vsed to say, that wine hath these two discommo­dities with it: If you put water into it, you marre it, and if you put none in, you marre your selfe.

The Dutch man vseth to say, that eating is not any whit ne­cessarie, other then in as much as it procureth a man to drinke and talke.

A sudden silence being at a table, where sate a many at din­ner, one of the company said: Why how nowe (my maisters?) it seemes that some of vs at this boord, sitte with their legges a crosse: A Gentlewoman thereunto excepted, and said. Not I in sooth, for I haue heer somwhat between my legges: She meant the tressell of the table, but it was not so taken.

To one that sipp'd his wine, an other said: me thinkes you eate your wine▪ and all to bemangle it: True (answered th'other) I doe it to gaine the quintescence out of it.

A friend of Don Alonso de Aguilar being at dinner with him call'd for a little wine: Wherupon Don Alonso told him: In this house (sir) is neither a litle to be demanded, nor a litle to be giuē.

A Turkie-pie had been often seru'd in to a poor Gen. boord, and at last a seruing-man being to serue it in again, made some stay of it by the way, resting it vpō the buttry-hatch. By chance his maister came by, and seeing it there, ask'd him, why hee did [Page] not carie it in: Marie sir, (answered the seruingman) I thought it could by this time a day haue found the way in alone.

On a Christmasse time the countrimen came in thick and threefold to a worshipfull mans house, & fell hungerlie to their victuals: And one of them rising vp with a full bellie, said: Sirs, God blesse you all, and the Founder: The Gent. Steward then standing by answered: And the Confounders too.

A seruing-man by mischance shed broath on his maisters boord, and his maister said. Sirra, I could haue done so my selfe: he answered: No maruell (sir) for your worship hath seen mee doe it first.

An old Doctor complaining how that hauing but one only tooth left him in his head, it was lately fallen away with eating a verie ripe fig: an other answered: But your tooth was a greate deale riper.

A Physition willed an Italian souldiour to forbeare wine after figges: Who answered: Tut (M. Doctor) you mistake: It is wine after figges, and a figge for water.

A Doctor of physicke wore his sleeues short, & very wide; and dining on a time at a Noble mans boord, hee waxed liquo­rish of a Cranes leg: which for that it was far from his reach, he thought it better maners, to take the whole Crane out of the dish, and carue himselfe at leisure vpon his trencher, then to stretch out his arme so far, wherby to discouer vnto that hono­rable companie all his naked wrest: And he did so: A seruing-man then seeing th'empty dish, tooke it from the boord: At last the Doctor hauing shar'd out his morsell, look'd about for it, and missing it, threwe the Crane vnder the boord, saying: Goe seeke it out.

Auenamar a Moore king commended water for two good properties that it hath, viz. It neither indebteth nor indrunken­neth a man.

One drunke a cup of very sma [...]l wine, and sayd: Why how now water? shall I call thee wine?

[Page 99]A Gent. vsing to dine often with the Maior of London, on a time brought his friēd with him, saying: My L. heer I am come a bold guest of yours againe, & haue brought my shadow with me. The Maior welcom'd him and his shadow: Within a while after he came againe to dinner to him, and brought two com­panions with him: To whom the Maior said: Sir, you be harti­ly welcome: But I pray you tel me: Do you not think it a mon­strous thing, one body to haue two shadowes?

Old M. Palmer of Agmerine was a pleasant Gent. and being one day at dinner with the Duke of Sommerset, no sooner was a dainty morsell of meate caru'd him, but straight the seruing-men were ready with cleane trenchers to receiue it from him: At last a Lady caru'd him a Partridge-wing, and a seruing-man foorthwith cleane-trencher'd him, and went cleane away with it: Which the merrie Gent. perceiuing, said aloud vnto all the honorable company: A faire flight (sirs) mark, marke it well: on the faire flight.

At a summers banquet of fruits and sweet meates, a yoong Gent. placed himselfe next to an olde man, who had scarce ere a tooth in his head: But yet the olde man out-eat him: Where­vpon the merie youth at rising, thus be jested him, saying: Masse (father) of one that is no better shod, than I see you are, you haue run very well to day.

One came to visit a Gent. and he found him eating of cher­ries with a paire of spectacles on his nose, whereat hee greatlie maruelled, and said: Sir, I woonder, considering you are so good of sight, that you eat your cherries with spectacles: Hee answered: The truth is, I bid my man buy me great Kentish Cherries, and he hath brought mee these little ones, as you see, wherfore I eat them thus with spectacles to make them seeme great ones, and that's as good.

Grapes were set before one at the beginning of dinner & he said: It is not good building vpon a round foundation.

A Doctor of physick was telling one how wholsome it is to [Page 100] breake ones fast all the dog-day mornings, and one asked him when the dog-dayes begin, and how long they continue: Hee answered: Marie, they begin (according to Plinie always fifteen dayes before the Callend [...] of August, that is, the 17. of Iulie, & continue till the 17. of September: One that stood by, then said: In sooth (maister Doctor) I haue often heard it euen as you say that Dog-day breakfasts are indeed verie wholsome, but tru­lie I alwaies thought that those daies began eu [...]rmore the first of Ianuarie, and ended not till the last of December.

In Spaine Butter is daintie: and being seru'd in on a time to a time to a Noblemans boord, a Gent. at the lower [...]nd took ex­ceptions for that they had none there: Whereunto his next commensall answered: Belike my Lords steward thinkes wee haue no bowles to greaze.

An Earle came late within night to a Gentlemans house, and a fatte Capon was seru'd vp to his supper, which th'Earle seeing, straight tick'd the dish with his knife to haue it set neere him: Wherupon the Gent. then standing by, said: Your honor doth wel to take it, for it is a Trump at this time.

A poore Gent. inuited a cupple of Friers to dinner to him and their cheere was only egges. The Gentl. would faine haue excus'd the matter vnto them: but one of them perceiuing his drift, said: Why (sir) egges is very good fare, and many good dishes may be made of egs. Say you so father? (repli'd the Gent.) Hold yee heer then each of yee a cupple of egges, dresse them after your own maner.

Two Gent. went to breake their fast in a Tauerne, and a bagpiper stood piping at the doore: At last in came one, and set them downe a cupple of egges: Whereat one of the Gent. ex­cepted, and said: Hath all this cackling been but for these two poore egges?

A man of worship had on the sudden great resort of guests, and their fare was but ssender: Wherupon he call'd his steward vnto him, and sayd: Why how chanceth it N. that we haue no [Page 101] better fare too day: This dinner is like an apple, soone snatch'd vp vpon the point of a rapier.

A Gent and a Gentlewoman supping in one roome at two seueral boords wherat were a many strangers besides, the Gen­tlewoman waxing testie and foolish at some sp [...]ech of his, be­gan to misuse him vnciuillie in tearms before all the company: Wherupon the Gent. said: Some good body take away that Sallade from the Gentlewoman: What Sallad goodman As [...]e? (said she) He reply'd: Your sallade of nettles.

One vs'd to say, that it is good to talke of warres, but not be in warres; to talke of the sea, but not be at sea; to talke of hunting but rather to tast thereof.

One woonted to say, that po [...]re men want meate to their stomackes, and rich men stomackes to their meats

A rude Gentlewoman had stuft her pottage to [...]hicke with bread that somewhat fell besides the dish: One seeing it, said: Gentlewoman you spill: No, (answered another) well may it fall beside, but it cannot spill.

One being caru'd the rump of Mutton, he refused it, saying: I brook no couers of close-stooles.

One was a telling a Gentlewoman how such a gallant of the Court eat euerie day eight Capons in Blank-manger: She an­swered: Oh the Foxe.

At a Noblemans banquet, a ship of Marchpain-stuffe was set vpon the boord, wherein was all maner of fishes in the like stuffe: Euery one snatching therat, a sea-Captaine sitting far off could not reach therunto, but one of the companie gaue him a Sprat, which hee receiuing, helde it a good space to his eare: The Nobleman seeing it, asked him his conceipt therein: Hee then in reference to the little portion that came to him out of that Ma [...]ch-pane, thus merrily answered: And like your Grace, my father before me (as your Honour knowes) was somtimes a sea-Captaine, and it was his mischance, and my hard hap, that since his last vndertaken voyage a sea, which was some twelue [Page 102] yeers ago, I neuer since could heare what was become of him: Wherefore of euery fish that falleth into my handes I still aske whether it can tell me any newes of him: And this pettie Sprat (my Lord) saith he was then a litle one, and remembers no such matter.

One drinking to a Gent. and saying: Sir, I drinke to your si­ster Alice, & to your cosen Besse, and so vpward to your father, and to your mother, and then down againe to your little bro­ther Robert, and little maistresse Frances, and the rest: He answe­red: I pledge your paire of staires.

OF VISITATION.

ONe came in a morning to speake with a Gent. who was knowne to haue before time forsworne himselfe in false witnesse against a neighbour of his: and the Gent. page answered him that his maister was yet a bed: within an houre after he asked the Page againe whether his maister were yet stirring? Wherunto the boy answering no, the partie hereat all in a chafe departed, and said: Yea, neuer may he rise vp more in false witnesse against his neighbour.

Siento signifies in Spanish, I sit, and also I feele: A poore Gen. came to visit a man of worship, and they presented him a rui­nous stoole to sit vpon: He seeing it, stood still, refusing to sit downe: The man of worship asking him why he stood, and re­questing him withall to sit downe: He answered: Pardon mee (sir) for No me siento, that is, I doe not sit, because me siento, viz. because I feele, Hee meant that he felt himselfe aggreeued with so homely a seat.

A Scholler that vaunted what especiall interest hee had in a certaine faire Gentlewoman, went hee and his friend on a time to visite her: And she in disdain of him stil Thow'd him at eue­ry word, and he as often ouer-titled her with Honour, Ladi­ship, and Maiestie; Wherat the Gentlewoman waxing testie [Page 103] curst, ask'd him why he so exalted her in title aboue her calling▪ Hee answered: May it please you to mount but one pointe higher, and then will I fall one lower, so shall our musicke well accord.

One came to speake with his friend, who being at that time very busie, willed his man to answer him that he was not within. But he by chance ouer-heard his voice, and knew ther­by that hee was within: Whereupon hee departed mal-con­tent: The next day this other came to speake with him▪ and he hearing that he was come, look'd out at a windowe▪ and tolde him that he was not at home: Not at home? (answered the o­ther) Why (I pray sir) who are you? Who am I? (reply'd he) I hope I am one, whom you may aswell credit, saying that I am not at home, as well as I to beleeue your man, making me the like answer yesterday from you.

One that for his safety had taken Sanctuarie, a friend of his came to visit him, and sayd: Now thanks be to God, your case is just aswell out of Sanctuarie as in Sanctuarie: Th'other an­swered: Els durst you not come visit me.

A Gentleman that had been long in the Indies, being re­turned home with a great skar in his face, went to visit a friend of his, who knew him not of a good while, till at last the Gen­tleman discoursing vnto him his name, and kindred, in th'end he call'd him to minde, and said: Sir, you must pardon me, for (I assure you,) your superscription being blurr'd, I could not well a read you.

A Gentleman being in conuersation among a manie foule Gentlewomen, at last in came a verie faire one: Whereat they all arose, to salute her and he said: If this Gentlewoman had not come, wee had lost the game, for want of a Courre­card.

A Gent. comming to visite a faire Gentlewoman, and fin­ding her playing with a tame Conie, said: God saue both your Conies.

[Page 104]A Gentlewoman whose name was Thorney, sitting in her chamber between two Gentlemen, wherof the one was a great drunkarde, th'other as great a Letcher: her maide came to her, and deliuered her a message in her eare, and at rising vp a­gaine, sayd vnto her: Forsooth (mistresse) will it please you to be gone so soone? No, not verie soone (answered the Gentle­woman) for see you not how I am heer setled between the skin and the flesh?

Paja in Spanish signifieth a messe of meate, likewise straw: A mean Gent. came on a time to visit a man of great worship, who was but newly set downe to dinner, and therefore seque­stred himselfe into a garden in the meane time: Where after he had walk'd a good space, at last in he came again into the hall, & asked a seruing-man whether his maister had yet din'd: Who answering, No, and that the second Paja, viz. the second messe was but newly seru'd in: all in a chafe bee flung away, saying: Nay, if he be all this while in his Paja, viz. in his strawe, (as hee meant it) surely I will not stay till he haue eaten his Oates too.

OF NATIONS AND CITTIES.

AN Italian Traueiller vs'd to say, that the Por­tugall seemes a foole, and is a foole; the Spani­ard seemes wise and is a foole; the Frenchman seemes a foole, and is wise; the Englishman wise, but cannot shew it; the Italian both wise and so seemeth, and that the Dutch man wold bee wise, but for the pot.

A Scot vsed to say, that Englishmen are like dogges, forasmuch as disgrace you but any one of them, and the rest wil all disgrace him more & more. So doe dogs, for if one of them be bitten and ouermatch'd with an other dog, all the dogges in the street will straight take part with the victor dog, and all to beteare the other: But Welshmen (he said) are like good cuntrie hogs, for let a dog but bite or abuse any one of them, or anie of them misuse one an other, straight all the hogges in the ground will rescue and fauour the distressed hogge, and all to begrunt the other hogge away. No lesse is Welshmens true loue and kindnes towards one another.

In the North of Ireland, where they eate but Oaten cake-bread, a Kearnes mother hearing that her sonne was slaine in fight against Englishmen, came the morrow after into the field and finding her dead sonne there, after much mone and lamen­tation ouer him, she chanced to cast her eye aside, and there by espy'd a dead Englishman: Then vp she arose, and much accur­sing our nation for the death of her sonne, in the end she strip­ped him of his apparell, and chanced to find a stale lofe of bread in his breeches, which was of the prouision hee brought with him from the English pale: which after she had a good while [Page 106] well viewed & wondred at: in the end burst foorth into fresh teares, and said: No maruell if my deare sonne bee slaine by one that voydes so hard and huge a sturd.

A Scot was a preaching how that all men are one an others neighbour and brother in Christ, euen the Turke, the Iew, the Moore, the Caniball, the farre Indian: and then concluded: Yea and the very Englishman is our neighbour too.

A Portugall Frier was discoursing in his sermon of a greate victorie his Nation had against the Spaniards that day twelue monethes, and said: Then both th' Armies camped neere vn­to the riuer, we Christians on the one side, and the Spaniards on the other.

A drunken Christian, and a Iewish Christian being at tearms of brabble, the Drunkard call'd the counterfeit, a drunken companion, and the counterfeit call'd him a Iew: The next day they met again, & the Drunkard then said vnto the Iew: Sirrha, take thy Iew to thy selfe, and restore mee my Drunkard again.

Sanabria a Spanish Captaine vs'd to say, that it was extream crueltie in the Muffes to make their wiues their drudges in the warres, and no lesse vanitie in the Spaniard to make his maid his maistresse.

A Spaniard brauing an English fugitiue souldiour in the Low-Countries, said, that in his dayes hee had slaine as manie Englishmen, as he had buttons in his doublet: The English­man answered: So often kisse you my tayle.

One requested his supposed friend to stead him in a certain occasion, which the other refus'd him, saying: To doe you good in good sort, you might draw me after you to Ierusalem with a wollen twine, but to doe yll to pleasure you, you shall pardon me: Whereunto th'other answered: I, to Ierusalem I thinke well, for that belike is your country.

Don Diego Garcia Paredez woonted to say, that all other nati­ons speake with their lips, but the Spaniard with his heart.

Gonzalo Fernandez said That Frenchmen at the first encoun­ter [Page 107] are more then men, and afterward lesse then women.

One saying that French paper was better cheape in England then English paper: An other answered: No maruell, for why, they haue more ragges to make paper of in France, then wee haue in England, by reason they haue more beggers.

A Portugals wife calling a Castilian, skeruy Spaniard: Her husband said: Alas (wife) it is mischiefe ynough that the poore soule is a Spaniard, though he be not skeruie too.

An Englishman brauing a Frenchman, and saying that it was not for nought that England giues the Lions, so braue and magnanimous is our nation: The Frenchman answered: I, but the Lion dreads the Cocke: So said in reference that French­men are called in Latin Galli.

Isabel Queen of Spaine hearing another Citie prais'd aboue Toledo, said: If it be as great as Toledo, then is it not so strong, and if it be as strong, then is it not so great.

A great Clearke being come to Toledo, where he noted the people very ingenious, ciuill, and discreet, hee said: Neuer till now that I am in Toledo, did I think my selfe an errand foole.

It is the prouerbiall praise of Venice: Venice who neuer saw it, cannot esteeme it.

Isabell Queen of Spaine asked one Don Alonso Carilio, what he thought of the citie of Cordua: who answered: A many vil­lages met in Parliament.

A Spanish Jester woonted to say, that in the citie of Sigouiae were eight moneths of winter, and foure of hell.

It is prouerbiall in our country, Frō Hull, Hell, & Halifax, good Lord deliuer vs.

OF RELIGIONS.

ONe prayed thus: God blesse and saue my Father, my Mother, my Brothers, my Sisters, my Wife, my Chil­dren, and mee, and no more. An other that ouer-heard him, answered: The Deu'll take thy Father, thy Mother, thy Brothers, thy Sisters, thy Wife, thy Children, and thee, and no more.

[Page 108]A Scottish Euangelist quarrelling with an Englishman a­bout Religion: Tut (said he) you are all Papists yet in England, for that your Churches are still standing euery where.

An Italian Pessant hearing in a passion sermon vpon a good Friday, that Iewes did crucifie Christ, the Preacher much in­ueighing against their hard hartednesse therein: Anon after the sermon ended, he demaunded of one what countrywoman the Virgin Marie was: to whom being answered that she was a Iewe: the Swaine then remembring that she was their coun­try woman that crucifi'd Christ, all in a rage he rusht vpon her Image, and all to broke it: So indiscreetly the fool hated Iewes for Christ his sake.

A pure Dame caus'd her picture to be drawne, with a bible in her hand, and a drop of bloud falling downe from heauen vpon it, and written vnderneath thus. By Gods bloud and his word I am sure to be saued.

At what time the Inquisition was first established in Spaine it was proclaimed throughout all that Countrie, that all Iewes and others that would not subscribe thereunto, should within certaine daies voyde the Realme and packe away. A company of Iewes heerupon presentlie departed, and arriued at Mar­selles a sea-Town in France: Now, one of them walking the next day vpon the key, sawe another ship arriue thither, and some halfe dozen of his Iewish acquaintance disembarke out of it: whom he hartily welcommed into those partes, and demanded the cause of their comming: They (because a many Frenchmen were in place, and loth they were to be knowne for Iewes) an­swered: Hether wee are come for the death of a certaine man: The other reply'd: And I euen for the same cause.

One inuited a Iew to dinner, and caus'd minc'd Porke to be seru'd to the boord so deceiptfullie, that he thought the Iewe could not suspect it: But the Iew imagining the truth, ask'd notwithstanding what meat it was. They answered: Minc'd birdes of diuers sortes. Oh would they had wings (thensaid the [Page 109] Iew) to flie away from this boord.

A conuertite Iew trauelling on the way with certain Spa­nish Gent. they arriued at last at a brooke, where because they knewe not the certaine depth of it, they strain'd curt'sie who should goe formost: At last the Conuertite was the hardy man that did it, and hee did it safely, and then the rest followed af­ter. Being all safe on th'other side, one of the Gent. said that he maruell'd how so late a Christian as he, could haue the heart to aduenture himself to danger, seeing such kind of men are com­monly most fearfull in all dangerous occasions: Wherunto an other of them adjoyned: From fire God blesse him, for water (we see) he litle feares.

Two dissembling Christians, being indeed both Iewes as well in their secret beleefe, as in linage, were at tearms of brab­ble with one an other, th'one demaunding a certaine debt, and th'other denying it: Wherupon the demandant challenged his faithfull promise made him at such a time for the repay therof: Which the other confessed, but adjoyn'd withall, that that faith full promise was but to amend his faith: With that in steps mee a Spaniard, an acquaintance of them both, and said: Being both one peece of cloth, how can any amendment be perceiu'd?

A Iewish Christian being at a banquet in a wood among many Ladies and Gent. a Gammon of Bacon was seru'd to the boord, and he to auoid suspition of Iudaisme, tasted therof: But when the banquet was done, he sorted himselfe alone into the thickest of the wood, & behind a tree forc'd vp all the Bacon a­gaine with a fether out of his stomacke: Which being seene by one or two of the companie, they all jested at him therfore, and call'd him Iew: Wherunto he answered: No Iew (Gentlewo­men) but thus: Assoone as euer the Deuilles saw, or smelt so good a relicke as Bacon within my body, they straight flue out at my mouth in vomit.

One call'd a dissembling Iew, Turn-coat: Wherupon the Iew entred his actiō of slander against him, & hauing brought [Page 110] it to the issue, the partie was cōdemn'd to confesse in open court the slander, and withall to pay him a som of mony in conside­ration: Then the partie thus in open Court retracted the slaun­der, saying: I confesse that I haue highly injured maister N. in hauing call'd him Turne-coat, for (on my conscience) I think he is still as errand a Iew as euer he was.

A Preacher in Spaine perswaded a Moore to Christianitie, who seeming conceiptlesse of what was saide vnto him: the Preacher said: For ought I see, my wordes enter in at one eare of you, and goe out at the other: The Moore answered: They neither enter in, nor yet goe out.

One in Queen Maries dayes that had formerly vnder King Henry gotten much by the fall of Abbayes, went about to build a Chappell: Whereupon a Gent. his Neighbour said, that it was like, as if one hauing first rauished the mother, would after­ward pay for the nursing of the child.

One vs'd to say that it is a merrie world when folk accompt it follie to build a Church.

One that was a Iewes sonne, and passed for a Christian, met a Gent. an aduersarie of his a horse-backe, he himselfe being al­so a horse-backe, and said vnto him: How chanceth it maister N. you ride so weaponlesse to day? the other answered: Marie because I meane not to kill him vpon the Crosse.

One hearing that a Iew had murthered his child, said: Better be a Iewes hogge by that accompt, then his childe. For Iewes eat no Hogs-flesh.

A zealous virgin-Iew in Rome was held in high reuerence among the Israelites there, so verie vertuous shee seem'd, and chaste in all her carriage: But a Florentine found the way by night to her may den-bed, and did his deed so throughlie, that all her holinesse would no longer conceale it, but still swell'd euery day more and more: till being at last vtterly detected, t'was ten to one that she was not reputed a baggage: but in lieu of such infamie, so erroneus was the reuerence the Iewes had [Page 111] of her virginity that they perswaded themselues she was veri­ly with child of their Messias: And in that errour their Rabins directed their letters and postes vpon posts to all the Iewish Sy­nagogues throughout all Christendom and Greece, for certain Elders of euery Synagogue to come vp to the natiuitie of that Babe; which accordingly was done: Insomuch as during that season Rome was a world of Iewes, so confluently they repai­red thether from all partes: Now marke the end: At nine mo­nethes end this Virgin Iew was brought a bed of a Florentine daughter.

OF ATTIRES.

AN elder brother was commending his yoonger bro­thers green cloake, and said it became him passing well: Th'other answered: But a black mourning cloake from you, would become me better.

One wore his shooes garnish'd with cut and vncut fringe, and one seeing it, said vnto him: Weare a maske before your face for shame that the world discouers your pimples.

One wore a strawe-hat in a strange place, and the people flock'd about him, all gazing at the noueltie: At last a Church­man passed by, and pittying to see a stranger so gar'd vpon, as­ked him whether he had any acquaintance thereabout, or no who answered: Why aske you? Marie to th'end (quoth he) if you haue any, he may do well to come and defend you from these beastes, least happily they eat vp all your straw, and leaue you nere a whit for your supper.

One seeing a Gentlewoman attyr'd all in white, sayd, that she had laid her chastity a whiting.

One wore his cassack-sleeues close girt vnder his girdle, & one that sawe it, said, it was like a pinion'd Goose.

A Spaniard hauing a Moore slaue, let him goe a long time in a poor ragg'd mandilian without sleeues: one asking him why [Page 112] he dealt so sleeuelesly with the poore wretch: He answered: I crop his wings for feare he flie away.

A Ladie of high calling disguizing her selfe with a vayle, & accompaned onely with her wayting Gentlewoman, went to a Gold-smith to cheapen plate, & standing at the shop a Gal­lant chanced to come by, who seeing her so, and supposing her such a one as would easilie admit conference in loue and leuity▪ began to common and complie with her in that kind: But she gaue him a scornfull begone, saying: See heere vnder this vaile no common garment, nor am I as I seeme. The Gallant there­at all in a chafe, answered: Be what you be will, and be so attyr'd then, or els be as you are attyr'd.

A Gent. prepar'd himselfe toward a day of tilting, and be­cause money fail'd him to furnish him passing braue against the time, he was faine to sell a very rich Mandilian that he had: say­ing: Whiles others Mandilian themselues toward Tilt, I vn­mandilian mee.

A Iester seeing a Gallant weare a little deminitiue bonnet vpon his head, with a band to it all to beset with gold buttons sayd: Foule befall the Smith, that shod yonder Asse so close.

An vpstart Gallant was attyr'd in Taffeta all ouer figured with flames of fire: which a Gent. seeing, and knowing his base parentage, said to thē in his company: Behold: yonder strawey Cottage goes in danger of fiering.

A faire Gentlewoman will'd her seruant on a day of tilting to attire himselfe all in greene, which he did: And comming in­to the Tylt-yard so attyr'd, Gonzalo Fernandez the great Spanish Captaine knewe him, and guessing at his Mistresse, and at the cause of his Greene, said vnto him: If shee knowe you not by your habit, giue it her in hand.

One that for the space of many yeeres together was neuer seene on the holy-dayes other then in one cloake, a Gent. thus bejested him, saying: Nere a holy day but I see clokes, but neuer saw I cloake of so many holidayes in all my life.

[Page 113]A gallant came to runne at the ring, all clad in haire-collour veluet, and ouer it a vayle of white Taffeta, girt close to him ala Mor [...]sco: Whereupon the Emperour Charles asking his Ie­ster what it was like: he answered: Like the bowels of a beast wrapt in their calle.

A Gent. came in a maske vested all in blacke, ouer-figured with Deaths heads, and one that saw it said: Iesu, what a num­ber of Fooles faces haue we there: The Gent. Page standing by answered: Nay, there lackes yours to make it seeme so.

OF OFFICERS.

A Spanish Earle retain'd an Vsher for his Ladie, and bid his Steward set him down twentie-pounde wages. The Steward for his Lords profit would not set him downe presently, according as he was encharg'd, but of a month after: In which meane time the Earle asking the Vssher whether the Steward had yet set him downe in his booke, or no: he answe­red, No and like your honour, hee will haue mee stand on my legges one moneth to an end.

A Gent. of her Majesties priuie-chamber comming to a merrie Recorder of London, about some state-affaire, met him by chance in the street going to dinner to the Lord Maior, and proffered to deliuer him his encharge. But the dinnerly Officer was so hastie on his way, that he refus'd to heare him, posting him ouer to an other season: The Gent. notwithstāding stil vr­ged him to audiēce, without discouering vnto him either who he was, or what he would: Wherupon the Recorder then me­rily turn'd backe to his horse, and said: Horse, tell this man that I am going to dinner to my L. Major, and that I cannot now intend his tittle tattle, for (well I wot) he will not beleeue mee: Wherunto the Gent. no lesse pleasently answered: No horse, not so (I pray thee) but thus: Tell the Asse thy maister, that I am G. of the priuy chamber, one that is come to him about busines [Page 112] [...] [Page 113] [...] [Page 114] of state, and will him to dispatch me presently, as hee will an­swer the contrarie.

A Constable had direction to disarme al that passed through his quarter after ten a clocke at night: and a merrie fellow chan­cing to passe that way, sayd vnto him; Are you the Gallant that must disarme all passengers this way too night? Goe yee then to such a Cookes house, and take frō him a Corslet of mine, which lieth there in pawne for pies.

A Commendador of Spaine being discharged of his office, vowed, neuer to make his will vntil it had pleased the King to re-install him thereinto: which the king shortly after daign'd to doe: And then the first words of his will were these: All that euer I haue, the Kings Majesty gaue it me.

A Canallio signifies in Spanish a horse-backe, and acaballio to end or dispatch any thing: A Maior of a towne riding posse through the street to pacifie a tumult, a Gent. of his acquaintāce met him, and ask'd him whether he went so a Cauallio, that is, so mounted: The Maior answered, acaballio.

Two Fellons were adjudg'd to die, and yet at last through much entreatie it pleas'd the Iudge in fauour of life to ingalley them for seuen yeers: The hangman seeing that, straight stept in and besought the Iudge to rid him of his office, and appoint some other in his place: Being ask'd wherfore: hee answered: Because you barre me of my right.

One chaunced vpon the night watch, and the Constable demaunded his weapon, who straight discouered his cloake, and shew'd him a bottle of wine, and said: Loe heere all my weapon: The Constable took his said weapon from him, & he and his mates drunk vp all the wine, and then deliuer'd him the emptie bottle, saying: Holde heer (friend) the sheath againe.

A Constable raising vp his parish by night, to assist justice, made his proclamation thus: All you that doe not foorthwith rise, and come to assist the Kings peace and Iustice, shall forfeit vnto the Exchecker a 100. stripes.

[Page 115]Theeues were a rifling a Gent. house by night, & the watch came in with torches to attache them: Now, one of them to saue himselfe by dark, strooke out one of their torches, and ran away: But being afterwardes apprehended, the Constable said vnto him: Belike (friend) you are next heire to the halter, that you desir'd so much the torches death.

A Courtiers man came to Queene Isabels Harbinger, and tolde him that the chamber which he assign'd his maister, was much at a fault: with that the Harbinger pointing him to a gib­bet that stood before the Court gate, answered: If your masters chamber be at a fault, see yonder where stands a gibbet.

One being condemn'd to be shot to death for a rape: the maid in fauour of his life, was content to beg him for her husband: Which being condiscended vnto by the Iudge, according to the law of Spaine in that behalfe: in steps me the hangman all in a chafe, and sayd vnto the Iudge: Howe (I pray you sir) can that be? seeing the stake is already in the ground, the rope, the arrrowes, the Archers all in a readinesse, and heere I am come for him.

In a prouinciall visitation in the territorie of Toledo, enqui­rie was made for such kinde of women as did cure folke with charms, and superstitions: And among others a decrepit Beldam was brought before the Visitor, who asking her what cures she did: she answered: Forsooth (maister) I wash to the Marchants masterships of Toledo.

A Souldiour comming about a sute to a merrie Recorder of London, the Recorder seeing him out at the window, ran ha­stilie into an inner roome, & there put on a Corslet and a head­peece, & then with a Launce in his hand came down vnto him, and sayd: How now Sirra, are you the man that hath somwhat to say to mee? Begin now when you dare, for behold (I trow) I am sufficiently prouided for you.

A Maior of London died the verie same day that hee was e­lected, vvhereupon one thus merrilie saide: A vigilant [Page 116] Maior he was, that neuer [...]lept all the time of his Maioralty.

A merrie Recorder of London, being to discide a brable be­tween two Citizens, the one called Dunscombe, the other Cox ▪ & vnderstanding what a paltrie matter it was, hee thus jestinglie said vnto them: Sirs, I verie wel conceiue your case, and thus I sentēce it: Namely, you Dunscombe, deliuerye vp to Cox al your combe, reseruing only Duns to your selfe: so be you still a Duns, and he a Coxcombe.

A Gent. riding through a countrey-parish, and being desti­tute of money, sold his horse to the Constable there, who see­ing that he had an easie peniwoorth, straight arrested the Gent. vpon suspition of fellonie: Namely, that he had stolne the saide horse.

An Abbot had bespoken of a Gold-smith a dozen of rich Candlestickes, and paid most of the money aforehand. Shortly after the Gold-smith died, and the Abbot came to demaund the Candlesticks of his widow, which he knew were by that time all finished: Wherunto she making denyal, and refusing to take notice of any such matter, th'Abbot was faine to get an O [...]ficer to enter the house, and to seaze vpon them to his vse: The Of­ficer came, and search'd, and the widow being loth to leaue the Candlestickes, took him aside, and sollicited his loue, and with­all offred him them in marriage with her, shewing him be­sides a large inuentory of what goods and moouables the fore­said Gold-smith her husband had left her, by his last will and Testament. Which the honest Officer viewing and perusing and vtterly misliking and detesting such her treacherie, deli­uer'd it her againe, saying: Hold heer (huswife) your Inuento­rie, and see you deliuer me the Candlesticks presently: So was she foyl'd in her owne pollicie, for hauing confest the hauing of them, she was fain to yeeld them vp without any more a do.

A me [...]rie Recorder of London riding vpon his Mule would needs take the wall of all men, and riding in an euening all too ambitiouslie vnder the pentisses for that prerogatiue, down he [Page 117] fell and his Mule both into an Ale-celler, and sore bruis'd him: Insomuch as euer after hee vs'd to haue a man goe betweene him and the wall as he rid, for feare of any moe the like mis­chances.

The said Recorder passing along the street, and hearing a Souldiour in an Ale-house calling for a Kingston-pot of beere, straight stept in vnto him, and arrested him of high treason, say­ing: Sir [...]ha, often haue I heard, and tasted of a pennie-pot of beere, and found good of the price, but of a Kingston-pot of Beere I neuer heard: Sure, it is some counterfeit coyne, and I must know how thou camm'st by it.

The said Recorder mistaking the name of one Pepper, call'd him Piper: Whereunto the partie excepting, and saying: Sir, you mistake, my name is Pepper, not Piper: hee answered: Why, what difference is there (I pray thee) between Piper in Latin, and Pepper in English; is it not all one? No sir (reply'd the other) there is euen as much difference betweene them, as is between a Pipe and a Recorder.

OF GVEST AND ENTER­tainment.

A Spanish Gent. being somwhat homelie entertained in an Abbay, where he was lodg'd in an obscure corner of a lowe dampy roome, the night being verie cold, and he as coldly couered, chaunced to fall into a sudden flixe, wher­with he all to berayed the bed: Whereat being much ashamed, all early in the morning vp he arose, and away he would: and as he was ready to take horse, hee said vnto the hors-keeper: I pray thee (fellow) tell my L. thy master, that in asmuch as he did not affoord me a bed in a chamber, I haue left him a chamber in a bed: Camera signifying in spanish both a chamber and a stoole.

In regard of the many Chimneyes that are now adaies built in houses, and the slender hospitalitie that is kept, a pleasant [Page 118] companion said, that chimneyes are built so cunningly now a dayes, that seldome or neuer they are seene to fume.

Fernando King of Spaine came in progresse to the castle of Montillia, which was newly built by one Don Alonso de Aguilar an Esquire, and finding the staires somewhat too straight for so stately a building: the Gent. said: And like your Majesty I neuer thought so great a Guest should euer haue mounted vp vpon them.

A Housholder hauing vnruly Guestes allotted him, saide vnto the Harbinger: Beleeue me (sir) I am greatly beholding to you for my guests: he ask'd him why: Mary because (quoth he) they are so bad, as I shall rest most glad at their departure.

One said to his Hoste: This fruit that you serue first in to this boord, in my country vseth to be seru'd in last: The Hoste answered: yea, and heer too for this once. For it was all his fare at that time.

One inuited his friend to dinner, and hauing made him but slender cheere, excus'd the matter saying: Insooth (sir) we haue neither Fesant, nor Partridge, nor Larke, nor any other good bird for you at this time, other then hartily welcome: Th'other answered: You please the birdes well in that.

A churle enuited a Gent. to dinner, and hauing made him but homely cheer, said, that he was heartily welcom, as a friend not as a straunger: The Gentleman answered: Beleeue mee I neuer thought we had been so great good friends.

One said to his guest: Me thinkes you drinke very little wine, if all the world drunke no more then you, wine would be good cheape: Not so (answered th' other) rather would it be very deere: For I assure you, I drinke as much as I can.

In Spaine Bishops marrie not: A Spanish Gent. had halfe a foole to his sonne, and on a time he taught him how to enter­taine Gueste with talke, as to aske them, how doth your wife and your children, your brother and your sister, and so forth. The next day a Bishop came to this Gentlemans house, & this [Page 119] yoong Mai [...]ter his sonne thus saluted him: I pray you (my Lord) how doth your wife and your children, your sonnes and your daughters, your brothers and your sisters? &c.

A Spaniard trauelling on the way, alighted at a poor Inne, and they ask'd him his name: he answered: Don Pedro Gonzales Gayetan de Gueuara: Wherunto they reply'd: Sir, wee haue not meat ynough for so many.

A Conie-catcher hyr'd a chamber, and said to his hostesse, I assure you (hostesse) I neuer yet came in house in all my life, where at parting I was not greatly lamented: And he said true, For he still departed without penie-paying.

One comming to lodge in a poore Ale-house, ask'd the hostesse for a good bed: With that she brought him into an in­ner roome, and shewed him the bare earth, saying: Loe yee heere seuen foot length at least: Heere rest ye: Content (quoth he) but where (I pray you) is the pillow? She answered: Faith you are too daintie.

An ill-fauor'd man inuited a stranger to dinner, and at last in came his wife, who had also as bad a face as hee: The stran­ger seeing her, said vnto him: I pray ye (sir) is this your wife? he answered: yea: Then the stranger reply'd: In sooth (sir) I would haue thought she had been your sister.

Queene Isabels Harbinger buillited a Courtier in a Pain­ters house, who wh [...]n he came to him, and shew'd him the bill, and that he had read it, and perceiu'd therby that he was one of the Queenes Gentlemen, he straight tore it, and said: As sure as you are the Queenes Gentleman, so sure am I the Duke of Nazareths man: Goe seeke yee lodging els where, for heer yee lodge not.

It was a Gent. chance to be benighted in a blind parish, where he was faine to lie in as blind an Ale-house: who when he went to bed, they brought him a little ladder to get vp vnto it, by reason it was verie high: Which he seeing, said: Is this (I pray) the Fleas ladder?

[Page 120]In Mourtia a towne in Spaine, there is an hospitall of Bedlams and fooles, called S. Bennets hospitall: wherupon the mad-men & fools of that place are also called San Benitos: A citizen of that town vpon S. Bennets day, inuited a many of his friends to din­ner, and after dinner was done, and the cloath taken vp, one of the companie said vnto him: We thanke you for all this good cheere to day, & many a San Benito I pray God may you see in your house: He meant many a S. Bennets day.

OF MARCHANTS AND Misers.

TWo theeues came by night into a Marchantes house of Toledo, and stole away a deske and a fetherbed: The mar­chant hearing a noyse, arose and went downe; and fin­ding they were but new gone, followed thē, to see what would become of his goods. One of the theeues looking backe espy'd him, & said: Why how now, do you dog vs? No (answered the Marchant) but onlie to see whether you remoue mee.

One ask'd a Marchant how he could sleep soundlie a nights owing so much as he did: he answered: Why man, my Credi­tors doe sleepe.

A Marchant asked a wise man, how he might preserue his wealth: who answered: Commit it not to Fortune.

Hernando de Pulgar vs'd to say, that who so desires to be soon rich, must haue two Muches, and two Littles: Much Auarice, and Much Diligence: Little Shame, and Litle Conscience.

An Alderman lying on his death-bed, certaine his prentises came to see him, and besought him to leaue them some good aduise, as a monument both of his great wisedome and good­will towards them: Then he rear'd himself vp vpon his pillow, and said: Tast your pottage before you crumb in your bread: and so died.

A Marchant had agreed with a Wood-monger for all his fagots at pence a peece one with another: The Woodmonger [Page 121] after hauing thus bargained, told him, that vnlesse hee would giue him somwhat ouer & aboue, he would not vnload them, Go too then (said the marchant) I am content thou shalt &c. With that the Wood-monger vnloaded, and when hee had done, did also helpe to carrie them downe into the Celler, in hope of &c. Then the Marchant paid him for his faggots: and he demanding his &c. the Marchant adswered: My meaning was that thou shouldst helpe to carrie the f [...]ggots downe into the Celler ouer and aboue thy bargaine: So art thou payde thy &c.

A Marchant being ask'd with what maister hee meant to place his sonne to learne Arethmaticke, he answered: With the Hangman, [...]or that hee of all others is the brauest Accomptant, viz. of mens deathes.

One said to his acquaintance: I greatly marueill that you are no richer, considering that on my certaine knowledge, you may dispend eight Testers a day, and you spend not passing two of them: Th'other answered: Two I pay, two I lend, two I spend, and two I loose. The two I pay, are those I allowe my poor father and mother toward their maintenance: the two I lend, are those I allow for my sonnes education in the Vniuer­ [...]itie: which I hope he will one day repay me againe (if I so long liue) as now I doe vnto my father. The two I spend, are vpon my selfe, my wife, and familie. The two I loose, are those my wife spends euery day in toyes and bables vpon her self, which I neuer looke for more.

One that ought a marchant a great somme of money, and his day of payment being neere at hand, shifted away all his goods, and fled the Countrey. The wise marchant hearing therof, was heartily glad, and came to his wife and told her, that in asmuch as his saide debtor was nowe runne away, and had forfeyted his band, he would (before God) take the benefite of the double.

A marchant that ought much, and was not able to corre­spond, [Page 122] fled the Countrey, and for haste left much of his goods vndisposed of: Which his creditors seazing vpon, and selling at the street door to the most giuers: one came & bought a fetherbed, and said: It is good sleeping in his bed, that ought so much money.

One passing by a miserly marchants new faire house, saide to his companion: Yonder faire house is built for welth, not for Worship.

A Gentleman lent a marchant his horse, who at his returne vaunted vnto him what a gallant horse it was, and how by the way as he rid, he out-gallop'd all the horses he ouertooke, and had wonne with him halfe a dozen wagers, so swift he pac'd it, and so brauely he had put him to it. The Gent. answered. For such honour let my horse thanke you.

A miserly Marchant asking one whome he greatly disday­ned, how he came by so rich a widdow, he answered: Euen as a man may come by yours after you are dead.

A officious Welshman seeing a cripple Marchants wid­dow snayling ouer London bridge, took pitie on her trembling gate, and friendly offred her his helping hand all along: And as they footed it together, the old woman ask'd him by the way what countryman he was: he answered: A Welshman: where­upon she straight desir'd him to shi [...]t on the other side of her: which he did, and so led her safe to her house at the bridge-foot At parting she hartilie thank'd him for such his good nature, and pray'd God to blesse him: and hee ask'd her what was the reason that vpō his saying that he was a Welshmā, she straight desir'd him to shift on the other side of her: shee answered: Oh (sonne,) my purse hung on that side.

An old Carmougion had worne a hat full fifteen yeares to an end, and seeing it at last waxe red and rotten, hee said: See, see the falshood of these Habberdashers, howe sleight they make their wares.

A Noble-man sent a Gent. of his in great diligence, about [Page 123] some especiall affaires, and such was his diligence, that he kill'd his Lords horse by the way. Being returned home, it pleas'd the Nobleman to make him pay fifty crowns for the horse, saying that hee was content to reward him so well as to forgiue him the rest: The Gentleman thought himselfe hardly dealt with­all, and answered: Sir, this is neither reward nor Almose.

Certain Seruing men complain'd to their niggardlie mai­ster how that his Steward allow'd them but only Sallades and Cheese to their Suppers a nightes: Whereupon the Gentle­man call'd the Steward before him, and in a great chafe saide vnto him: Is it true (N.) that you giue my men sallades and Cheese to their suppers? I charge you doe no more so, but giue them their Sallades one night, and their Cheese another, and so in order.

A niggardlie Gentleman founde fault with a dish of vn­sauorie Oliffes that was set before him, and call'd it Cobble­rie stuffe: A Iester then to taxe his Miserlinesse, sayd: Belike (sir) they are fallen to that trade, because they wil not be beholding to you.

A Miser said vnto his man: Sirrha, you had best bee gone least I giue you that you would not willinglie haue. The ser­uing-man answered: Sir, I beleeue you not, for you neuer giue.

A rich Churle was so miserlie minded, that hee thought all mischiefes that befell any of his neighbours, was in respect that they wisht him yl, or went about to do him some despight It chaunced that his man riding in an euening to water his horse, both he and the horse drowned: Whereupon the miser said: See, see, out of doubt the Varlet hath done this to spight mee.

One was commending a miserly Gent. and said that hee was passing discreet, and as orderlie in all his actions as a clock: An other answered: The Clocke that giues not is naught woorth.

One ask'd a rich Vsurer how many sonnes he had, who an­swered [Page 124] eighteen: Eighteen (reply'd th'other) Beleeue me, had you as many moe, the countrey hath curses ynough for yee all.

A rich Miser lying on his death-bed, a preacher came to him, & will'd him to think on God: he answered: Oh, so would I, but it is all too late, I must now despaire and die: Oh, say not so (reply'd the good man) for Gods mercy is aboue al his works and vpon that maine mercie of his relie all your hope, for hee (deare Sauiour) di'd for all: With that in stept a poore man to the Misers bed side, and said: Sir, for the passion of God remem­ber the fiue poundes you owe me, for I am a poore man, and without it am vtterly vndone: The Miser heerat rear'd him­selfe vp vpon his pillow, and staring a good while on the poore mans face, at last he answered: Sirra, I owe thee no fiue pounds, for I haue cast all on Christs back, as this good father hath wil­led mee.

One seeing a rich Churle lighting himselfe in the dark with a rush-candle, said: Alas (poore man) will your purse affoorde you no better light? he answered: This lights me to reckon my riches at the yeares end.

A liberall man gaue three shillings for a couple of Partrid­ges, and a churle (his companion) rebuk'd him for such excesse: wherunto he answered: Tell me insooth, might you haue these two Partridges for three pence, would you not giue it? Yes ma­rie (answered the Churle) that were a very reasonable pennie­woorth: The other reply'd: As little set I by three shillinges as you by three pence.

Two Gent. dwelling together in one house, were at dead­lie food with one another: And the one of them being a most niggish and miserable man, for the more safety of his person a­gainst all poison that th'other might prepare against him, en­tertained a trustie fellow into his seruice, and gaue him due in­structions how to serue him at boord, and especiallie to be very warie what drinke he gaue him, and generallie of all poyson, and in conclusion, offered him but 18. pence wages a moneth. [Page 125] The seruing-man seeing such his miserie, sayd: For ought I can see, your worship is rather in danger of famin then of poyson.

A miserable churle bestow'd an old greasie hat vpon an old seruant of his, and said: Hold heer (N) this hat ouer and aboue thy wages, and see thou deserue it: The seruing-man answered With such giftes your Worship shall be sure to be no looser.

An ouer-pin'd miser complain'd that he had lost almost all the teeth in his head with the reume: A stander by answered: Rather for want of vse.

A worshipfull Gent. vs'd to promise much and performe little: Wherupon a Gentlewoman merrilie said vnto him: In sooth (maister N.) you were euen the best Gent. in the world, if your purse stringes hung at your mouth.

An extreame miser had gotten together a huge heape of treasure, wherwith he purchased at one time 1600. pounds land a yeere: This wretch being at Church was ouer-heard to pray; Lord, I thanke thee that thou hast giuen me sufficient, wherby I need not to serue any man, and thy grace to retain none to serue mee.

A Miser had great store of poultry about his house, and sel­dom or neuer kill'd any of them, but let them liue their vtmost date, and so die. Being ask'd why he did so: he answered: The surest peny in my purse is that I doe not spend.

A boisterous Miser dwelt neere a Iayle: and passing on a time vnder it, the prisoner at the grate said vnto him: Good your Worships charitie among a manie poore prisoners heere for Gods sake: he answered: Neither meate, nor money can I spare thee. The begger reply'd: Yes (sir) well wee wot your worship keeps a bountiful house, for neuer look we out at our Turret window, but we see great smoke in your kitchin chim­ney: That is belike (answered the Miser) when my folke make me sops: Sops (reply'd the prisoner) They are fat sops that make such fat chops.

One that was reputed a very rich miser, and yet died but a [Page 126] poore man, and greatly indebted, another said ofhim: Sure, I had not thought be had been so honest a man▪

OF ARTIZANS AND Prentises.

A Gent. looking out at his window, espi'd his neighbours wife in priuie familiarity with a Mason, who wrought in that house: Wherupon taking occasion to walke a­broad, and passing along by that doore, hee knocked thereat, and straight foorth stept the Mason, and ask'd him what his Worship would. Then the Gent. ask'd him what hee made there: he answered, An Ouen: An Ouen? ( [...]eply'd the Gent.) Nay, tis hornes, and that's no Masons worke.

A poore countrey-man was desirous to make his sonne a Butcher, and came to a Gentleman a neighbour of his, to craue his aduise where to place him with some cunning one: Who answered, with a Physition, for that they of all others (he said) were the brauest Butchers.

A Ioyner was a making a sleight Cubberd, and one that beheld it, sayd: it seemes (my good friend) you make this Cub­berd for the father, and not for the sonne.

A Gentleman will'd an Arras-maker to work him a peece of Tapistrie, figur'd with a faire Castle, and within the Castle a Dog barking, and at the Castle-gate a man all in compleat ar­mour, brandishing in his hand a naked sword: The work-man wrought it, and brought it home: Which the Gent. viewing, and missing the Dog, angerlie excepted thereunto: The work­man then merrily answered: Belike (Sir) it is now dinner time within the Castle, and the skeruie Curre is a gnawing a bone somewhere in a corner.

One ask'd a Painter how it chanced he drew so faire pictures and begat so fowle children: He answered: I paint by day, and beget by night.

[Page 127]A Tyler and his sonne were a tyling of a house, and the father did his worke so loosely, that his sonne found fault there­with: Whereunto he answered: Foole, doe it well to day, and beg to morrow.

One ask'd a Cheesmonger what was the reason that butter and Cheese were so deere: he answered: Because wood & coales are deare: meaning that because Butter and cheese might bee ea­ten without charge of fire, and therfore was much bought vp, his trade thought good to rear the prices of thē to a higher rate.

A Passenger asking a water-man why he wrought that day being Trinity-sunday: hee answered: I owe heere and there a manie dribbling debtes, and my friendes are vnkind and will not doe for me, and therefore I am euenfain to borrow of the Lord, God help me.

One gaue ouer his Ale-house in London, and went to set vp in Saint Albons: By chance one of his London-mates passing by his doore, and seeing him stand there: ask'd him what hee meant to giue ouer his Ale-house at London and come thether: he answered: To recollect myselfe.

A poore man trauelling on the way, met with a poore Tayler, who offred him his sheeres to sell: He (because it was an easie peniworth) gaue him all the mony he had for thē, thin­king that the next place he came at, he might happily sell them for more. So traueilling on his way, at last he came to an Ale-house, where by chaunce was then a Taylers wife a tippling a­mong her Gossips, who seeing his sheeres, straight thought he was a Tayler, and had him home to her house to dinner. And after dinner, brought him foorth a peece of cloth to cut out in garmentes. He all this while was content, tooke the chalke in his hand, and began to make and vnmake, and countermake a many lines and dashes vpon the cloth, and so continued a good space: till at last she marueilling therat, ask'd him what he did: hee answered: I measure out how many Sizzers these sheeres will make.

[Page 128]One asked a plaine fellow whether he could tyle or no: hee answered: Yea, in good houre bee it spoken, I haue tyl'd in London.

A discontēted Tayler said to a niggardly Gent. who had a­bridg'd him a third part of his bill: You a Gentil? Faith (sir) no, a Iew you are.

An Artizan fed his Prentise onlie with Liuers and Lightes: And being on a day to goe doe a little worke out of towne: hee bid his Prentise come after, and meet him at such a place: Meane time hee went afore, and being come to the place appointed, there he staid for his Prentise, whom at last he might see com­ming aloose off with a load on his shoulders, and being come neer him, he marueill'd therat, and ask'd him why he brought that great log with him: the Prentise answered: So many lights haue I eaten, that I thought the open country-ayre would haue caried me quite away, and therefore did I take this loade vpon me.

A Scauinger loading a dung-cart, by chaunce a Kyte flew ouer him, and a Tayler in the next shop seeing it, sayd: Oh, see there (sirrha) your fellow Scauinger: No, (answered the Sca­uinger) Prick-louse, it is a Bussard like you.

A Gentlewoman fearing to be drown'd, said: Now, Iesu receiue our soules: Soft maistresse (answered the water-man) I trow we are not yet come to that passe.

A Butcher running after a sheep in the street, and crying to the people: Stop the sheep, stop the sheep: An other ran after him, and cri'd: Stop the theefe, stop the theefe.

A merrie old Artizan seeing a milk-woman passe by his shop, and crying (fresh Cheese and Creame,) call'd her to him, and tasting to her cream-pot, as though he meant to buy, drunk it clean off, and so deliuer'd her the pot againe, saying: Get yee gone (ye baggage,) come yee hether to cosen mee with your sowre milke.

Within a while after an Aqua vitae-man past by: and hee [Page 129] calling him into his shop, tooke his Aqua vitae bottle out of his hand to taste therof, as though hee meant to buy: and dranke of it at least a six-pennie draught, and so deliur'd him his bot­tle againe, saying: I marie, this warmes my colde creame well, and cheares me at the very heart.

One asking a Wood-monger whether such a widdowe were not in his debt: he answered: No truly, shee hath alwayes paid me verie vertuously.

A London-Printer sent his Prentise for a messe of Mustard, vvho asking him where he should fetch it, he surlie answered: In France: Very good sir (quoth the Prentise) And with that he tooke a Mustard-pot in his hand, and forth he went to P [...]llinsgate where finding a ship bound for France, he imbark'd therein, & to France he went: vvhere he remain'd the space of almost a yeere: At last return'd home again, he came that very same day twelue-moneth to his maister, and deliuer'd him the foresaid pot-full of Mustard, saying: Hold here (Maister) your messe of French Mustard.

The said Prentise entring by and by after into his maisters Printing-house, and finding a Dutch-man there working at the Presse, straight stept vnto him, and snatching the balles out of his hands, gaue him a good cuffe on the eare, & sayd: Why how now (Butter-boxe?) Cannot a man so soon turne his back to fetch his maister a messe of Mustard, but you to step straight into his place?

OF IESTERS.

ONe asked the Marques of Villena his Iester, what vertue he thought was in a Turkey stone: he answered: Marie if you should chance to fall from the top of a high tower, you to breake your necke, and the stone to haue no hurt.

The Marques of Villena willed his Cham­berlaine to giue his Foole Perico de Ayala one of his cloath of golde jerkins, and the Chamberlaine deliuer'd him onely the sleeues and the skirts of it: The Vice seeing himselfe so deluded, went straight to the Father of the Confraternitie of the Court, and told him that one was deceased that night out of the Mar­ques of Villena his roomes, and will'd him to come fetch away the Coorse foorthwith to buriall. The Priest beleeu'd him, & came thether with a many people attending him, not know­ing but that he went in very deed for a dead body: Passing along (the Foole foremost, tinckling the bell in his hand as the maner is,) the Marques hearing the bell, look'd out at the windowe, and ask'd wherefore they came thether: The Vice answered: Wee come (my Lord) for the bodie of the coate you gaue me, which I verily suppose is dead, because I haue here some prin­cipall mēbers of it, without which out of doubt it cannot liue.

The Emperour Charles being priuate on a time in his pri­uie Chamber, accompaned onely with his Iester, one Romero de Figueroa a poore Gent. (whose small liuing lay vpon the edge of Portugall) came and desir'd to speake with his Majestie: The Iester told the Emperour thereof: who answering: Bid him choose some other time, for that I am now disposed to be priuate a while: No, I beseech you Caesar (reply'd the Iester) let [Page 131] vs haue him in, for out of doubt, he will els for verie anger put vp all his landes in a basket and flie to Portugall.

Alonso King of Spaine progressing along the country, passed by a great hill in the midst of a plaine, which seem'd to haue bin cast vp by the handes of men, and asking the cause of it, answer was made, that in the time of Almanzar a Moore King, Cordua was then chiefe towne of all that countrey, and hee en­joyn'd the inhabitantes therabout, in token of their true allea­geance to him, euery housholder once a yeere to bring to that place a basket-full of earth, which being performed the space of many yeares together, rais'd it to that hugenes [...]e as did ap­peare: Then the King asked his Iester how many baskets-full of earth he thought it contayned: hee answered: Making one basket capable of the one halfe, there are iust two baskets-ful.

The Emperour Charles being present at a Bull-bay [...]ing with dartes, a couple of Gallantes brauely mounted shewed themselues most forward in the game, which the Emperour noting, ask'd his Iester what hee thought of them: who an­swered, They shall euen perish both together, as did S. Philip and S. Iames. And indeed it fell out so, that the Bull ouerthrew them both from their horses, and left them there for dead.

A couetous Earle came to salute the Emperour Charles, and his Iester seeing him, still pointed to him, and sai [...] to the Emperour, Este es conde, Este es Conde. viz. this is the Earle, this is the Earle: Esconde signifying also in Spanish to hide or to hoord vp.

The foresaid Iester was stab'd to death by a Courtier for his ouer insolent mis-demeanour towards him: And as he was a carrying home to his lodging, accompaned with a great mul­titude of people: at last his wife espy'd him out at the window, & said: Alas my deer husband! what is it he? Oh what a piteous sight doe I see: The Iester ouer-hearing her, answered: Nay, nay, (wife) no great matter (wife) only they haue slaine your husband.

[Page 132]The said Iester being at the point of death, another Iester came to see him, and said: Ah my deere Francisco: and wilt thou needs bee gone? Then (sweet Francisco) when thou commest to thy kingdome (I pray thee) pray for me. That will I (answe­red Francisco) but to th'end I may the better remember thee, hold heer, tie a thred about my finger.

The wagges of the Court had curtayl'd a Iesters nagge: and he in reuenge thereof cut off the vpper lippes of a maine Courtiers S [...]eeds in the base Court: who cōming downe from the Presence euerie one to take his horse, and laughing to see the Iesters nag at the court-gate so disfigured: Laugh on, laugh on sirres, (said the Iester) I dare warrant yee, you shall see your horses laugh too anon, and out-laugh ye all.

A little Noble-man wore a broad brim'd hat in the Court, and a Iester seeing it, said: Giue my Lord but such another hat below, and you may serue him vp to the Emperours boord as betweene two dishes.

A Iester seeing a poore Gent. at dinner time now and then conuey a Modicum of euerie dish into the cape of his cloake, sayd vnto the companie: Sirs, I am now determined to make my last will & Testament before you all: And first, I bequeath my soule to God, and my body to be buried in the cape of yon­der Gentlemans cloake: and with that stepping to him, snatch'd his cloake from him, and all to shooke it before the companie, Then out dropp'd heere a bird, and there a bird, and choice of much good cheere, he still shaking it and saying; I meane this cloak (sirs) this cloake I meane.

A Iester vs'd to say, that as soone as euer he perceiued a fray toward, he straight became a Launce-man: Being ask'd how so: he answered: Marie I lanch foorthwith into the next house.

A Iester meeting the Duke of Infantasgo between two fan­tasticall gallants, cry'd out aloud vnto him: My Lord, my Lord you goe in danger: The Duke asking him: wherof: he answered of drowning, were it not for those two bladders on either arme of you.

[Page 133]The Cardinall Siliceo being on a time merrily disposed, sent for one Rauago a pleasant fellow to disport him withall: Who after he had pleasantly jested before him a good while, at last fell to begging, and besought a good thing: which the Car­dinall graunted him: Then he besought his Grace to put him in good security for the performance of his said grant: With that the Cardinal naming a certain singingman of that church, the Iester excepted vnto him, and said: Nay, nay (my Lord) Ile no such sureties as weare no buttons vpon their doublets, for feare the aire cary them away.

A Iester seeing an old Gent. in the street homely attir'd, and wearing an old fashion'd Tablet hanging downe his breast be­fore, said: It is a good letter though enterlined.

A Iester being ask'd what time he would gladliest choose to die in: he answered: When Iohn a Nokes dies: And why so? (said th'o [...]her) Marie because (quoth he) hee is so errand an V­suring Cuckold-maker, that whensoere hee dies, I am sure the deuilles wil be all so busie about his soule, that mine may sneak along by them and nere be seene.

A Iester lying a dying, sent for a shoo-maker, and will'd him to make him a paire of shooes for his soule, the soales all of Bell-mettle: The Shoo-maker asking him why so: he answe­red: Marie, to th'end my friends may know by my loud tram­pling in heauen (after I am dead) that there I am.

OF SERVING-MEN AND PAGES.

THe Duke of Infantasgo sent his Page with a Peacocke be­tween two curious Venice-dishes to the Earle of Saldania: and it chaunced that as the Page discouered the vpper dish▪ to shew the Earle the present, down it fell and broke all to peeces: The Earle receiued the Peacocke, and return'd one of his Gent. with the Page, to excuse him to the Duke: who hea­ring of the mischance, all in anger ask'd the Page how he brake [Page 134] it: with that he hauing the other dish in his hand, let it fall to the ground and broke it, and then said: Euen thus and like your Grace I broke it.

A plaine Steward gaue in amongst other his accomptes to his Maister: Item, [...]or scouring the Priuie, and trimming your Worships beard ij. shillings vj. pence.

Such an other Accomptant gaue vp in his accompts to his maister amongst other things: Item, for a peniworth of lace ij. pence.

A Gent. Cooke forsooke him, and went to serue another maister, whom the Gent. meeting certaine moneths after atti­red all in greene, said vnto him: Me thinkes (N.) you looke ve­rie greene now a daies: True sir (answered the Cooke) for I am sow'd in a good ground.

A Nobleman of Spaine, whose liuing was good, but not ex­cessiue, had a vaine in placing and displacing his seruants, espe­ciallie his Bayliffes, and Accomptants: Wherupon his mother asking one of his men on a time what place hee had in his mai­sters seruice, or what accompts he yeelded vp at the yeeres end: he answered: Actes and Monuments.

A Seruing-man was discoursing to his maister how boun­tifull Don Diego Desa, Bishop of Ciuill, was vnto his Seruants: who answered: He doth well, for that all that he hath, he hath it but during his life. The Seruing-man reply'd: Now I pray you (sir) for how many liues enioy you your goods?

One Gent. was a telling to an other, that his Page was run away from him, notwithstanding he had alwaies vs'd him wel, both with good clothes to his back, and spending money in his purse: Wherunto the other answered: And I for my part haue a poore knaue, whom I still keep bare and pennilesse, and yet he loues me well, and will neuer forsake mee: How can he for­sake you, (repli'd th'other) hauing no winges wherwith to flie away?

Certaine Gentlewomen came a gossipping to a kinswoman [Page 135] of theirs that was lately brought a bed a mile out of Toledo: The Gentlewomans husband being desirous to make them a braue banquet, call'd his man to him, & bid him saddle a horse quick­lie and ride to Toledo for such and such kinds of sweet meates, and hie him home againe presently. The fellow went his way, and comming into the stable to saddle a horse, he could not find the bridle: So whiles he was a seeking for it, his master thought it long till he were returned: and said to them that were with him. Now by this time my man is on horse-back, and away he flings: And anon after: Now is he halfe way (quoth hee) Lord how the Knaue gallopeth: And within a while after hee added; Now is he entred into Toledo, and now hee buies the sweet meates, and now he is halfe way home, and at last saying, And now he alighteth at the stable-doore, and now heare where he commes vp▪ the staires, and now see (sirres) where he enters in: Euen as he said so, in came the Seruing-man indeed, and said: Sir I cannot find the bridle.

A Gent. aduis'd a poore man that was desirous of seruice, in any case to make choice of so discreete a maister, who happely, though he be not able to pay him his wages in due season, or o­therwise well reward his good desert, yet that at leastwise will acknowledge his good seruice to deserue consideration.

Veluet in Spanish is called Tertie-pelo, as much to say in Eng­lish as three Piles: A Spanish Courtier promised one of his men his suit of Crymson tertio-pelo: viz. of crimson Veluet, but wore it himself afterward till it became all pill'd and bare, and withall ought his man three quarters wages: It chaunced on a day that going to the Court, he missed this seruingman, & sent an other of his men to seeke him out, and to bid him meet him in such a place: Wherunto the fellow thus answered the Messenger: Tel my maister, if he meane I should come wait vpon him, that he send me my Tertio: viz. my three quarters wages, For as for the Pelo: viz. the Piles, that is already all too pill'd.

The Duke of Infantasgo sent a merrie man o [...] his about [Page 136] important businesse, and by reason of much raine that fell that night, a brooke which he was to passe, was so swolne that hee could goe no further. Wherupon he turn'd back again with­out dispatching his Lords affaire: The Duke hereat was all in a chafe, and sore beknau'd him: Whereunto he answered: It seems your Grace sent me rather to dispatch my self then your businesse.

A Gent. hauing jerk'd his Page for a fault, bid him in th'end pluck vp his cloathes and make him ready: Whereunto the Page answered: Sir, they are th'Executioners fee.

A Foot-man accompting to his maister how he had spent his money; amongst other things put in: Item, a Pye for my selfe iiij. pence, and for litter and prouander for your horses xij. pence.

A many Pages pratling together in the Court, and euerie one of them wishing his wish: I wish (said one of them) that I were a Mellown, that euerie man might smelto my tayle how good I am.

An old Earle being sent for to the Court to answere some dangerous matter that was to be laid to his charge, walk'd vp and downe in his gallerie all in a dump, and thus mumbled to himself: Good old Earle be gone, for the Emperor (thou seest) hath sent for thee, and thou must be at the Court within ten daies, or be accompted a Traitor: goe get thee gone then, good olde Earle: A Page ouer-hearing him, thus remumbled vnto him: So shall you neuerthelesse, good olde Earle.

A Gent. said vnto his man: When I leaue of this sute, I giue it thee. The next morning the Gent. arising, miss'd that Sute, and (behold) in comes his man with it vpon his back: which he seeing, sore beknau'd him, and would haue beat him. Then the Seruing-man sayd: Why (sir) your Worship left it off yester­night.

A Gent. and his man passing through a field together, a Crow in a tree cri'd Kaw, kaw: See yonder N. (quoth the Maister) [Page 137] yonder Crow calleth thee knaue: No sir (he answered) hee bec­kens to your Worship, as to the better man.

A Seruing-man ouertook a coach by the way as he rid, & ask'd the rear-man of the traine, what Lady or Gentlewoman it was: the Seruing-man answered: The Queene of Clubbes: I thought asmuch (reply'd th'other) seeing the Knaue of Clubs to ride so fast after.

The Duke of Bejara sent his Page to the next town to buy him a Crosse-bow, and the Page entring in at the towne gate, saw certaine Sarjeants apprehending an Vncle of his for debt not without much bickering, and some bloud-shead: Where­vpon he betooke himselfe to his heeles, and ran backe againe to his Lord, and said: I durst not bring your Honour a hitting thing, for feare to haue been hit my selfe.

A Gent. had an errand theefe to his man, and he in seeming to praise his fidelitie, thus disprays'd him, saying: Not anie thing in all my house is vnder locke and key from A.B. and he knowes it well ynough: For in deed hee had a vice to picke o­pen any locke whatsoeuer.

A Noble-man being to passe through a water, commaun­ded his Trumpetter to goe before, and sound the depth of it: Who to shew himselfe very mannerly, refus'd this encharge, and push'd the Noble-man himself forward, saying. No (sir) not I, your L. shall pardon me.

A yoong Seruing-man hauing a most miserly maister, thus excus'd him with a flout, saying: Insooth I cannot iustly con­demne my good maister, for trulie hee neuer promiseth or gi­ueth any thing, but he is straight penitent for it.

A Seruing-man vs'd still to say to his maister: Now I be­seech God (sir) to take away my dayes, and bestow them vpon your worship, that long may yee liue: Riding before his maister on a time in a darke euening, and in a great snow, far from any housing, and quite out of the way, he then said vnto his mai­ster: Oh (sir) these are the dayes I [...]lwayes pray'd God to take [Page 136] [...] [Page 137] [...] [Page 138] from me and bestow vpon your Worship.

A Portugall Gent. traueilling into Spaine with a ciuill retinue, a Spaniard met him on the way, and ask'd the rear-man of his traine what Gentleman he was: The Portugall answered: No Gentleman: Then he ask'd him what Gallant he was: he answe­red: No Gallant: Then hee ask'd him, what Noble-man hee was: he answered: No Noble-man: At last he ask'd him what man he was: hee answered: No man neither, but the King of of Portugals Cosin.

One asking a Seruing-man how much his miserly maisters reuenue was: he answered: Able to starue a thousand persons.

Queene Issabels Harbinger passing along the streete, a Spaniard ask'd his Portugall-seruant, who his Maister was: Wherunto the Portugall made no answere at all: With that the Spaniard (thinking happely he was deafe,) shooke him a lit­tle by the cloake, and then ask'd him as before: Wherewith the Portugall all in a pelting chafe, then answered: My maister, my maister, who (forsooth) is my maister? why who (the deu'l) should he be but all the world?

A Gent. sent his man to one Preister his aduersary in lawe, with the Courts Injunction to avoyd possession, and yeeld vp his house to him: The Seruing-man went and did his message thus: Good M. Preister, my maister sends you his Confession by me, and confesseth vnto you, howe that to morrow (God willing) he means to turne you out of house and home by ver­tue hereof, and with that shew'd him the Injunction.

A great Gent. vs'd much bountie toward his rich seruants, and none at all to his poore ones: It chanced on a time, that ri­ding through a water, his horse stood still, & stall'd in the midst of it: Wherupon one of his poore seruants merrily said vnto him: Your Worship resembles your horse nowe, adding his bounty to the needlesse stream, All to all, & none to nothing.

An angry Gent. gaue one of his men two good flurrets in the eare, wherat one of his fellowes by, fell a laughing: which [Page 139] heperceiuing, flew straight to his maister, & gaue him a box on the eare, and said: Sir, I returne your Worship this againe, to bestow vpon yonder knaue that stands laughing at me so.

A Noble-man gaue an old seruant of his two boxes on the eare: And the next day being displeas'd with one of his Pages, merrily then said vnto him: I pray thee N. restore me one of the boxes I gaue thee yesterday, to bestow vpon this villain-boy: he answered: Not onely that (my Lord) for your Boyes, but the other also (if you please) for your Hobberdchoyes.

A Seruing-man being brought before a Iustice vpon sus­pition of fellonie, the Iustice ask'd him whom he seru'd: he an­swered: God: With that the Iustice straight commanded him away to prison: Shortly after being brought before him againe at the Sessions, he ask'd him (as before) whom hee seru'd: And he answered: My Lord Chancellour: My Lord Chancellor? (said the Iustice) why what (a deu'l) mak'st thou heer then? why told'st thou me not as much at first? He answered: Because I did not think you had lou'd my L. Chancellour better then God.

OF BISCAYNS AND FOOLS.

A Physition sent a sicke Biscayn purging pilles to loose him withall, and he tasting and chewing one of them in his mouth, & finding it passing bitter, spet it out againe, the rest he wrapt in bundle of hay, saying: There rest ye till yee bee through ripe.

A Gentleman sending his Biscayn-man of an errand, bid him doe it with great efficacie: and the Biscayn answered: Efficacie me no Efficacies: for all were M. Efficacie the deuill himselfe I durst speake to him.

A Biscayn being demanded what Countri-man he thought God was, he answered: Questionles a Castilian, for that neuer in all my life could I yet loue him hartily.

[Page 140]The Emperor Charles was preparing to strike a Deer with a crosse-bow, and a Biscayn-page being by, mounted vpon a gall'd-backe jade, suddenly whipt from off his horse, & taking off the saddle, threw it toward the Deere, and so fray'd him a­way: The Emperour angry heerat, ask'd him why (the deu'll) he did so: Whereunto the boy (taking the Emperour by the sleeue and [...]hewing him his jades gall'd backe) answered: The saddle that can doe all this, is it not able (trow ye) to kill a Deere?

A Spanish Preacher will'd his Biscayn-boy to goe break his fast at one Dauids a Cooke, vpon his skore. Meane while hee went to Church to preach: And reciting in his sermon a many authorities out of Scripture, for the probate of his text, he said: And now (sirs) what sayes Dauid (trow ye) to this geere? Euen as he said so, in-stept the boy at the Church-door, and hearing him talke of Dauid, answered him aloud: Marie, no more Pies (he saith) till you haue paid him the old skore.

A Cockney seeing a Squirrell in a shop, greatly admir'd it, and said. Iesu God, what pretie things are made for money!

A Biscayn-Doctor had promised one an Asse, which Asse died shortly after. In th'end the partie sent to him for it, and he return'd him answere, viz. that hee was now not bound to send him the foresaid Asse, for asmuch as since the day of such his promise made, the Asse was departed his naturall life.

A Foole lay a sleepe in a field, and had prick'd his staffe in the ground before his face to fence him frō the wind: By chance one cōming by awak'd him, and ask'd him why he had pitch'd the staffe there: he answered: To defend me from the wind: Fool (said the other) that can not any whit shield thee: The foole repli'd: Can the wind blow through it trow ye?

It was a controuersie in law betweene two wise men, whe­ther of them a Cuckoe (which they saw in a tree) call'd cuckoe vnto: And after that they had therin wasted all their pence, in th'end they agreed to put it to compremize to a neighbour of theirs, whō in the meane time they both plyed with butter & [Page 141] Bacon ynough, & such other like country-cates to draw him on their side: But he finding himselfe beholding to both their bounties alike, at last when the houre was come, he thus awar­ded, saying: My good neighbours, to neither of you both did the Cuckoe crie Cuckoe, but to mee, and there an end.

A dogge had bitten a Foole, and the Foole finding him the next day a sleepe in the grasse, knock'd out his braines, and said: He that hath enemies, let him take heed how and where hee sleepes.

A Stranger came to see the Fooles in Bedlam, and one of them ask'd him of whence he was: Hee answered of Newarke: Then the Foole ask'd him whether his father & mother were liuing, what brothers and sisters he had, and what trade or oc­cupation he was of: All which he told him, and withall that he was a Gold-smith: Then the Foole ask'd him what businesse brought him thether: he answered: None, but only to see you To see vs? (reply'd the Fool) Haue you a trade at Newarke, and come you hether but only to see vs? Beleeue mee (brother) I am not in heere for any such matter, viz. for so very a foole.

A Seruing-man was jesting with his maisters foole, and made him beleeue he would cut off his head: The Foole ranne straight to his maister and told him of it: who answered: Hee shall not cut off thy head, if hee doe, I'le hang him the next day after: Nay I pray (reply'd the Foole) rather hang him a day before.

One vs'd to say that a Foole more benefits a wise man, then a wise man a foole: for that the follie of a Foole admonisheth a wise man from [...]ollie, but a foole cannot comprehend the wis­dome of the wise.

A Gallant passing along by a Foole, the people will'd him to doe off his hat vnto him. With that he ran to the Gent. and stroke off his hat from his head. For which being reprehended and told how he should haue done it to himself, he answered: That were to steale away my owne hat from my head.

[Page 142]One chid a Foole for that he had throwne dust at his face, and some of it was gotten into his eyes: The Foole answered: Truly I tooke you for a letter.

One asking a Foole how long he might bee a learning to bee like him: he answered: That is according as the boyes doe plie yee forward.

One vsed to say, that the difference betweene a wise man and a foole is, that a wise man dreams but a nights, and a Foole both day and night.

A Biscayn-Lackey came home to see his mother, and shee ask'd him how hee lik'd his maister: he answered: Faith (mo­ther) an honest Gent. hee is, but when he rides in foule waies, then march I faire and softly after like a King: but when hee rides in faire waies, oh (mother) that's the deuill, then runne I, and then sweate I my heart out: His mother reply'd: Marie then I pray God (son) send thee still foule way where euer thou set thy foot.

In a tumult in a towne of Biscay, the Maior read the kinges Proclamation thus: King of Castile, Leon, Arragon, Nauarre, &c. Wherunto they all answered: King & Queen God blesse them, but as for &c. the Deuill take him, wee'll none of him.

A Gent. sent his Biscayn to market to buy a couple of Par­tridges, and will'd him to choose them very sweet: The Biscayn went, and bought them and brought them home vnto his M. who smelling to their fundaments, and finding them vnsauory, threw them at his head, and all to beknau'd him: Then the Bis­cayn said: What (a Deu'll) aill'd ye to smell there a waies, I war­rant yee, ther's nere a Lady in this land but stinks in that coste.

A Biscayn was sore tormented to confesse his committed fellonie, and he would not doe it to die: At last when they had tormented him almost to death, they took him of the torture, & bespake him faire, saying: Well we see your inuincible heart, you are (trulie) a man euerie inch of you. But (faith) tell vs now euen as you are a Gent. Did you it not? Then the Biscayn answe­red: [Page 143] I marie (sirres) as I am a Gentleman, that's another matter, why said yee not so at the first? Goe to, I did it: Confesse and be hang'd, and so was hee.

A Physition hauing giuen to a sicke Biscayn a purging po­tion, encharg'd him in any case to holde his mouth close for feare of casting it vp againe, and so left him: The Biscayn straight took his sword & buckler, and layd them vpon his pillow, & his mouth therupon. In the end the Potecarie came in, and see­ing him lie so, ask'd him what he ayl'd: he answered: I keep my mouth close.

Two Biscaynes traueilling on the way, were a hunger'd, and into a victualing-house they went, and call'd for meat: The good wife answered, that she had nothing at that present, but only a couple of Honey-combes: Hony-combes (saide one of them) what's that I pray ye? Know ye not what a Hony-comb is (answered th'other?) I doe. Goe to (Hostesse) Frie the one, and boyle the other, and bring them vs presently piping hot.

A Biscayn brought his Maister word how that his mai­stresse was brought a bed, and he ask'd him whereof, whether of a boy or a daughter: Neither boy nor daughter (answered the Biscayn) but of a better thing. What better thing? (said his maister) He answered: Of a dead gerle.

A Biscayn seeing a Castilian Gentlewoman going along the street, her mayd holding vp her traine after her, stood in a maze and sayd. If it be a tayle, why is it born vp? and if it be to be born vp, why (the Deu'll) is it a tayle?

A Biscayn forgetting the name of the Halbardiers-street, demaunded of one which was the way to the coate of Male­street.

An old man, whose beard was all ouer-growne with gray haires, ask'd a Foole how he might do to become yong again: The Fool answered: Goe to the Barber: But how if that will not serue (said the old man) how then? The Foole reply'd: Then bind your selfe Prentise to some body for a 100. years.

[Page 144]A Biscayn trauelling on the way chanced to passe by a plea­sant spring, which seem'd to laugh vpon him: and he being ex­treame thirstie, and in sight of a village, loth to drinke water, where wine was so neere at hand, he layd his finger vpon his mouth, and said vnto the spring: Nay, laugh, and allure thou nere so much, I tell thee true, thou gett'st not in heer.

A Biscayn imagining the wheele of a water-mill to goe by power diuine, bow'd downe his knee thereunto, and crept to­wards it to kisse it: The wheele entertain'd him with a foule flap, striking off his nose clean, & halfe his cheek away: Wher­at the Biscayn impatient, and starke mad, rose vp and ran away, & sayd: I tell thee (villaine) thou art no more Gods miracle, the Deuill thou art.

A Biscayn was commending what dainty meate a boyl'd cocke was, and sayd: that the hee-hen was much better meate then the shee-hen.

A Biscayn scalded a Cony, and scraping off the haire, sayd: Litle Vrchin, I marueill how thou scap'dst breaking thy neck, flying with so little wings.

A Biscayn enquiring for a shoo-maker, sayd: I pray ye, where dwels there ere a shoo-tayler?

A Biscayn-woman complayn'd of the Castilians for pru­ning their Vines euery March, affirming that they did it of spight that their Vines might not branch foorth as farre as Biscay.

One vsed to compare follies to mischances, for that they seldome come alone: And therefore whensoeuer hee sawe any man doe or say a follie, he would stil say: Welfare it if it come alone.

One asked a wisacre, who inherited all his fathers inno­cence: he answered: I, and my brothers, but because I am eldest, the fifteenes were allotted to me.

A foolish man fell out with a Foole, and in his rage ranne at him with a cudgell to beat him. The foole turn'd his back vnto [Page 145] him, and sleering ouer his shoulder, said: Wee are two, so wee are, we are two.

One asked a Biscayn how many horses his father had: he an­swered: Fiue, with foure that are dead.

A Spanish Gent. borrowed his friends Biscayn-Page to at­tend him to his Maistresse, and being there, hee was dispos'd to jest with the boy, and sayd vnto him. Tell me (sirrha) is it true that all you Biscayns are discended of the fart of a Iew? The Page answered: If that bee true (sir) you may doe well, euer­more when you are dispos'd to fart, to haue a Biscayn your companion, and not your borrowed Page.

A Biscayn comming to a Shoo-maker to bespeake a paire of three soal'd shoos, & forgetting his right tearms, said: I would haue you make me a pair of shooes, heer a shoo & there a shoo an [...] a shoo betweene.

One passing through the Stewes-street in Toledo, saw a ve­rie faire wench standing at a doore, and asked his companion whether he knew her: who answered: I, she is a Biscayn: Then he reply'd: That's the reason (belike) that she betakes her selfe to a trade of so briefe conceipt.

A S. Albons-mā trauelling on the way▪ his horse tyr'd & wold no further: Wherupon he tooke the saddle from o [...]f his backe, and clapt it vpon his owne, and so march'd on, leading the horse in hand faire and softly after: By chance a Barnet-man of his ac­quaintance meeting him, and marueilling thereat, ask'd him why hee caried the saddle so himselfe: he answered: I shame the villaine-jade.

Peter, Stephen, and Thomas were [...] [...]hree brothers, and Iohn a Nokes knew them all: He being one d [...]y in place where they were all three spoken of, and demanded whether Thomas were Peters brother: he answered: No, he is Stephens brother.

A Maior of London being plac'd in a standing to strike a Deere, and a heard being brought about vnto him, and come now somewhat neere him, the Keeper made signe vnto him [Page 146] to be ready: With that hee loudlie answered: Let them come, let them come: they are welcome, they are welcome: and so fray'd them all away.

OF COVNTRY-MEN AND Clownes.

PHilip the first, king of Spain, walking abroad in a sommers euening, met a fourty or fiftie Pesantes of the countrie, and being forewarn'd that in so great a troop of Clownes together, it is their custome alwayes to haue a King amongst them: the King passing by them, saluted their said King, with a vail'd bonnet, and a bended knee: wherunto the Pesant braue­ly corresponded, saying: To a Kinges salute joyne mee but the Popes blessing, and there an end.

A Country-lad had stept aside with a wench, and done I know not what, but his father mainly belamb'd him for the fact, the wench proouing afterward with child: Certain daies after, one asking him wherfore his father had so grieuouslie beaten him: he answered: Faith, for nothing but only for boun­sing at the next doore to the priuie.

A Country-Farmer ask'd a London-seruant what countri-woman she was: She answered: No Cockney I warrant you: Good, (reply'd the Countri-man) and euen continue stil in that honestie a Gods name.

A manie Clownes were eating of a Posset together, & one of them burn'd his chappes, and for verie paine let flie a mon­strous fart, and said: Goe thy wayes, thou art euen the happiest fart of al thy fellowes, for hadst thou staid stil within, thou hadst been most miserablie skalded.

A Countri-lad was desirous to wench away his honesty in a hay-mow, and the Lasse being ouer-fierie, sore burn'd his dis­honest part: His Chirurgion asking him afterward all the man­ner and circumstance thereof: hee answered: The hay-mow: [Page 147] and adjoyn'd, that hee most mareill'd how it had the good hap to escape fiering, she being so extream hot as she was.

A Gent. riding on the way, ask'd a poor country-boy whose pigs those were: he answered: The Sowes: Whose is the Sowe then he ask'd: hee answered: My mothers. Who is thy mo­ther? My fathers wife. Who is thy father? hee answered: Goe aske my mother. For these wittie ouerthwarts the Gent. enter­tain'd the boy [...] his seruice, and gaue him good wages euer after.

A Seruing-man quarrelling vpon the way with a Country-man, offred to snatch his staffe out of his handes to beat him therewith: But the Swaine so well defended it, that hee recoue­red it whollie to himselfe, and then sore belamb'd the Seruing-man therwithall, saying: Hold, take it; hold, thou shalt haue it, and sore bruis'd him therwith, leauing him therefor dead.

In a Chappell at Rome was painted the picture of hell, and a countryman viewing it, smil'd to himselfe, and seem'd verie glad: A Gent. passing by, & seeing him smile so, ask'd him wher­at hee smil'd: he answered: Mary (sir) because in all this hell, (I thank God) I see nere a russet coat.

A country-mans Asse dyed, and he going to the next Ale-house, roar'd most piteously, and said: Well (sirres) seeing my Asse is dead and gone, I know what I'le doe: By chaunce cer­taine Traueillers being then there, and hearing him say so, thought verily that hee meant to hang himselfe, and therefore for pitie sake, made him a Purse amongst them, to the price of another Asse: wherwith he seem'd reasonable well pleased: And being ask'd what his meaning was when hee said: I know now what I'le doe: he answered: Marie (sirs) euen to haue solde a­way my pack-saddle.

One shoou'd a country-man downe a paire of staires, and broke his nose: wherat he ban'd most miserably, & said: T'was thou, (villaine) twas thou: No (answered the other) t'was not I, but belike you are ouer-mellow, & so fell downe of your selfe.

[Page 148]A Country-man shent his wife, for that through her default their daughter had stray'd aside, and gotten a big belly, affir­ming that she ought to haue lock'd her vp, and kept her short, so had not that mischaunce happened: The good-wife answe­red. Locke me no lockings, the deu'il take the key that cannot open that locke.

A crooked country-clowne of extreame rude behauiour, was chosen by his Parishioners to sollicite their law-matter with their learned Counsell: Vp he came to the Tearm, and to his Counsel hee hy'd him: who seeing so de [...]ormed and slouen­lie a fellow, excepted vnto him, and sayd: What (a deu'il) art thou the onely sufficient man of all thy parish to followe this matter? The Clowne answered: As for the matter (sir) I can not tell, but as for your Worship (well I wot) they haue thought me good ynough to come to you.

Certaine Gentlewomen walking in a fielde after supper, met a country-man carrying a young Kid vpon his shoulders: and one of them feeling vnto it, how tender it was, said it must needs be tender, hauing yet no horns out: The Countrie-man answered: True (maistresse) for it is yet vnmaried.

Two Noble-mens Caters met at a Fish-market, and squar'd about a Soale which of them should haue it for his Lord: At last one of them said: Hold heer (Fish-monger) fiue Crownes for the Soale: but th'other offred ten, and he had it: A country-man that stood by, and saw this, said: Fie of all tillage, fie of it, a paltrie dead Fish to be more woorth then two Asses: I'le be a Fish-monger I. Perhaps he meant the two Caters.

A plain country-man riding vp to the Tearme, met a pri­soner carted on the way to the gallowes, and sayd aloud vnto him: Happy man thou, that hast no doings at the Tearme.

A Country-man lent his neighbour an Asse, and he negle­cted to return him home againe at the day appointed, so as the partie was fain to go fetch him himself: Who when he came, th'other deny'd that the Asse was yet come home, and made [Page 149] many flim-flam excuses to detaine him a while longer: In the meane time the Asse bray'd in the stable, whereby his maister knew that there he was, who then waxed verie angry with his neighbour for so abusing him. Wherunto th'other in a rage answered: Gogs nayles (neighbour) will you beleeue your Asse before mee?

A plaine Country-man came vp to the tearme, and passing by a silk-mans shop, saw a mayd there weauing of fringe, to whom he stepped, and ask'd her how much of that fringe shee could weaue in one day: The mayd answered ten yardes: Then he reply'd: By that accompt haue you wouen since I came to towne (which is some fiue dayes or therupon,) a fiftie yardes: Birladie a good huswife are ye, well fare your heart.

A Gent. was a saying to a plain countrie-man: Beleeue me (father) if this hot weather hold, it is like to go hard with poore beasts this next winter: The Countrie-man answered: God preserue your Worship.

A countrie-swaine droue his Asse before the Court-gate, and a Gent. or two of the Court seeing him all to beat & mis­use the poore beast, bid him be more milde and patient, and fa­uour the sillie Asse. With that the Clowne straight dost his hat, and made a low curt'sie to the Asse, and said: I beseech your good Worship (M. Asse) pardon my rudenes all this while, for (sure) I neuer thought you had had kindred in the Court afore now.

A Gent. married a Farmers daughter of whom afterward he waxed wearie & discontented: and on a day in a sullen mood he ask'd her, how many burthens of strawe her father vs'd to serue his beasts euery winter: Shee answered. Before you ma­ried me, 300. and since 350. by reason hee hath one beast now more then he had.

A Country-man entring into a Cittie, stumbled and fell with his face into the kennell, and all to bemyr'd himselfe ther­in: At rising vp againe, he turn'd round about vnto the people, [Page 150] and said: See, see (sirs) I had almost had a fall.

A Gent. riding through a village ask'd a country-man what a clocke it was: he answered: Clocke (sir) we haue none, but yet we haue a paire of Organs.

A country-man lying on his death-bed, said: Now thankes be to God that he takes me away before Aprill and Maie.

A Fellon that was hang'd was carted backe againe to the towne to be buried, and a many boyes stood gazing vpon the coorse: By chance a plaine fellow of the countery comming by, and seeing them so gaze, said vnto them: Away, away, (sirs) for shame, you are able to put the honest man besides his wits, to gape and gaze so on him.

A widdowe Farmeresse in a plentifull yeere of corne, had much in her barne, and much in her garrets: A creditor of hers came then to demaund a debt of her, and shee answered: Good faith (neighbour) for my sinnes it is come to passe, that corne is this yeere so exceeding good cheap, that (the deu'll) a penie can I take for anie.

A Preacher in his Good-fryday sermon said vnto the peo­ple: Sirs, which of you all wil not in honour of this day forgiue his enemie? A plaine fellow then stept foorth from behinde a piller, and answered: Mary (sir) I doe. The Preacher asking him whom: he answered: My father, who drown'd himselfe yester­day in a pond.

A Traueiller being come to a ponde, ask'd a country-man ther by, whether it were passable or no: who answered: Yea (sir) you may verie well: With that the Traueiller plunging there­into, stoocke fast, and had much adoe to get out againe: but at last getting out, hee all to rated the poore Swaine, and woulde haue beaten him: who answered: Trulie (sir) all my neighbour Baals Geese and mine passe ouer it euery day.

A plaine fellow tooke vp an Asse at trust of his neighbour for certaine moneths, at sixe Crownes price: It chanced that within that time the Asse died, and he not being able to pay the [Page 151] debt, & embark'd for India: Where hauing remain'd the space of 7. yeares, at last home againe hee return'd woorth 2000. Crownes: and landing at Ciuill, wrote a letter from thence to his wife, declaring both his returne & his riches: She in answer therof, aduis'd him (if hee meant to come to her) in any case to do it verie priuilie, for that the owner of the foresaid Asse was yet liuing.

An old woman of the country being suspected for a witch, was highly offended thereat, and on a time saide to one of her Gossips: Now, and pleas'd God (Gossip) would I were a witch indeed for their sakes, for then should I soone be rid out of this wretched world, and of all their slaunder.

A Gent. meeting on the way certaine Swaines driuing of Oxen on a Maie-morning, said vnto them: What meane you (sirs) to trauell this day, being May-day? If you care not to keep it holy day for S. Philip and S. Iacobs sake, yet at leastwise doe it for the May-poales sake.

A rich Farmer comming to pay his Land-lord much rent, by chance a neighbour of his meeting him at the doore, and knowing his businesse said vnto him: You enter in like your selfe, but you shall come out like S. Fraences.

A Collier selling a sacke of coales to a Citizens wife, by chance an old frying-pan lay by: then she asking him whether his coals were Oaken coales or no, he straight took vp the said frying-pan, and gaue it her in her hand, saying: Frie some of them and you shall see.

A Country-man was lopping of a tree, and downe he fell and broke his necke: The clowne his man straight ranne home, and tolde his Dame of it, and telling her a long tale, both how he aduis'd him to stand fast, and how dangerouslie hee stood vpon the tree, and how he fell down with the Axe in his hand: at last hee concluded: And I assure you (Dame) it was a faire grace of God, that he cut not himselfe with the Axe.

[Page 152] A plain Countrey-fellow being to trauell home-ward from the Tearme, & passing along London-streets, asked of the shop­men & others whom he met, which was the way to Wakefield.

A Country-maid comming to market, her Mare stumbled in the market place, and downe she fell ouer and ouer, shewing all that euer God sent her: and then at rising vp again, she turn'd her round about vnto the people and said: Gogs life (sirs) did you euer see the like [before?

A Gent. asking a plaine fellow of the Countrie in a raynie morning, whether he thought it would not prooue a faire day for all that. Mary sir (he answered) that shall I shew you at night.

Iohn a Nokes was driuing his cart toward Croydon, and by the way fel a sleep therin: Mean time a good fellow came by & stole away his two horses, and went faire away with them. In th'end he awaking, and missing them, said: Either I am Iohn a Nokes, or I am not Iohn a Nokes: If I be Iohn a Nokes, then haue I lost two horses, and if I be not Iohn a Nokes, then haue I found a cart.

A Gallant alighting at a Country-Inne, tooke his horse to a Country-man to walke, who seeing so braue a horse, and so richlie trapped, ask'd the Gallant, whether (and lik'd his wor­ship) it were one mans labour to walke so trim a horse as that: Yea (answered the Gallant) I warrant thee one man alone may doe it: Say you so sir (reply'd the Pesant) then holde heere, you may euen walke him your selfe.

A miserlie Polititian being aduised by a friend of his to bee more bountifull in hous-keeping, thereby to gaine the good­will of the Countrey, which greatly repin'd at such his Parci­monie: he answered: I will vse these Pesants like fatting beasts, only when I haue need to vse thē, then to giue them a mouth full of hay, and not els: For cheer ye them nere so much in pros­peritie, they will sure fayle you in aduersitie, and haue but wher with to win them at your need, and they will then (notwith­stāding your former miserie) swarm to you as thick as Beeties [Page 153] to a cow-share, so base and pesantly they are.

A Croydon-Collier had cuckolded a lubberlie Gallant, who comming home within an houre or two after, and hearing therof, straight remounted vpon his horse, and would needs af­ter the Collier, to kill God a mercy on his soule: and ouerta­king him three or foure miles out of towne, there drewe, and made towards him resolutely to kill him: But the Collier lea­ping quickly from of his Curtaile, stood to his tacklings at the whips end, and behau'd himselfe so valiantly therwith, that the Cuckolds pottage was soon cool'd, and his hart began to faint. Then there he paus'd, and panted a while, and ask'd the collier whether it were true indeed that hee had laine with his wife: The Collier frankly confest that he did. With that the Chic­kin-hearted cuckold peaceably put vp his blade, and said vnto him: Gogs nownes (villaine) hadst thou not confest the trueth, (before God) I had cut off thy head.

A Country-man had kill'd a dog, and a neighbour of his with a great codpeece, meeting him the next day, quarrellous­ly ask'd him why he did so: affirming that it was his dog: Th'o­ther espying his codpeece, then answered: Had he had such an other codpeece as yours, happely I should haue taken him for your dogge indeed, and so forborne to haue kill'd him.

A Countrie-woman dwelling vpon Seuerne-bankes, and being with child, suddenly long'd to haue the streame of that riuer turne th' other way, and long'd so extreamly to see it, that there in that very place shee fell in labour, and was brought a bed of a Salmon. Such bei [...]g her husbands name.

A country-Viccar preaching to his parishioners, against the excesse and vanitie of apparell that is nowe a dayes vsed, compar'd womens Vardingalles to hell, and mens Codpeeces to the deuill, and concluded: Now put that Deuill in that hell, and (behold) hee's where he would be.

One meeting a Welshman carrying a Hare at his backe [Page 154] ask'd him how he would sell it: he answered: I will not sell it, but (hold heer) giue me a shilling, and take it.

A Country-woman shent her daughter for gadding vp & down among Ale-houses: and she answered. Indeed (mother) I cannot blame you if you be jealous of me, for that I haue often heard it; that I was your daughter afore euer you were maried to my father.

A Country-man standing at a marke, an arrow lighted on his nose, and spitted it through and through: At last the Ar­cher comming to the marke to take vp his arrow, the Swaine met him with it in his hand, and ask'd him whether it were his arrowe: Yea (hee answered) where had yee it? Marie see heer (reply'd the Swaine) pointing to his nose: You haue made me a proper nose, so you haue: Indeed if you serue mee so anie more, I'le breake your arrow.

An Ale-house Groom came to a Gent. house in the Christ­masse time, and there in the hall fell a playing on his bag-pipe: The Gent. passing by, he ask'd him how his Worship lik'd his musicke: Hee answered. Marie, not halfe so well as in an Ale-house.

A Country-woman was commending what a goodly child God had sent her neighbour that night, and said: It is euen as goodly a child (God bles [...]e it) as the Queen and the Councell.

One saying to a Countrie-man: Faith (neighbour) if you mary Iugge, you may chance to repent it, for that (I assure you) she is a shrewd wench, and hath stomacke ynough: he answe­red: Tut (man) Stomacke me no stomackes, she shal want for no Bacon.

A certaine Iustice on the confines of Wales was an earnest puller down of Crosses, & riding one day through a village, he spi'd at the townes end a faire stone-Crosse: Whereupon not hauing the power to passe any further, there he staid, and sent his man back to a laine Farmers house there by for ropes and [Page 155] cordage to pull that Idoll downe: The Country-man vnder­standing such the Iustices deuotions, repin'd in his heart, and yet prouided him not onely cordage for the purpose, but also went himselfe to assist the deed: And comming to the place, the Iustice bid him get vp vpon the ladder, and fasten the rope to the top of the crosse: which he did, & purposely cut the rope almost cleane asunder, leauing it only by one twist. Then the Iustice and his man took the other end of the rope, and began to draw and pul, and pulling ouer-strongly, the rope burst, and down fell he and his man both backward into a pond, whereat the Farmer laugh'd his hart out, leauing him there to fish for him selfe as well as he could.

A Country-man passing through a street in London, stum­bled and laid his taile a ground: A Prentise seeing it fell a laugh­ing, and said: See see (fellow) how fine London is, it brooks no such Swaines as you: With that the country-man turn'd back, and answered: As fine as it is, it hath kist my tayle for this once.

A Swaine saying to his wife, that shee had as many liues as a Cat: she answered: And you but one, and to many by that.

A country-man passing along the street, met with a Carre, and the horse spying his bounsing beard, snap'd at it in steed of a bottle of hay: Then the Country-man said: The Deu'll take thee, who made thee a Barber?

A Country-man had kill'd a Hare sitting, and because it was Lent he knew not to whom to giue it, and himself was no Lollard neither: So being greeuously perplex'd about the mat­ter, in th'end he espy'd a Shepheard on the Doune, and went & offred it him: but the shepheard would likewise none of it, be­cause it was Lent, and bid him keep it to himselfe. With that the Swaine being at his wits end how to bestow it, repented that euer he kill'd it, and would needs haue gone backe againe & laid it wher he kill'd it: But at last (to saue a labour) hee offred the Shepheard sixe pence to take it.

[Page 156]A Country-man came vp to the Tearme, and went to a Lawyer, (a friend of his) for his aduise in law, offring him a fee: which the Lawyer refus'd, in respect he was his neer neighbor and a good-fellow: Then the Countrey-man said vnto him: well (sir) since you wil take no fee of me, I hope whē you come down into the countrey, you will not refuse a Conie, or such a trifle at my handes: I, (answered the Lawyer) a Conie or such a thing I care not if I [take: Say you so sir? (reply'd the Swaine) I promise you, that's more then I and my dog can doe.

Two Swaines were a brawling, and the one of them being quicke of hand, tooke th'other a foule cuffe on the eare, and feld him, who at rising vp said: Faith, thou art a skeruie fellow, so thou art, canst thou not brawle, but thou must smite too? I could haue brawll'd with thee a whole day together before e­uer I would haue smitten thee.

A Country-Parson preaching vnto his Parishioners sayd, Neither by Peter nor yet by Paule are we to bee saued, but by Gods blood only: they all answered: Oh sweare not. Then hee proceeded, and said: Nay, by Gods death then you are all to be saued, & no otherwise: They all answered againe: Oh sweare not. Then he adjoyn'd: Yes, by Gods wounds, and his passion only you are to be saued, and if you think otherwise you lie, & are deceiued: And therfore tell not me of swearing, for I tell ye againe, and again, that by Gods death, Gods blood, his wounds, and his passion only, and no otherwise, ye are to be saued. And so the sermon ended.

OF FELLONS AND THEEVES.

A Braue Theefe that vs'd the high-wayes about Toledo, it was his custom alwaies to share with the partie whō he robb'd the one halfe of the bootie: & chancing one mor­ning to rob a poore fellowe, who had but 18. pence in all the world, they wanted a single three pence to make euen mo­ney: The poore fellow then to be out of his clutches, offred him [Page 157] the said three pence: but he refused it, saying: Nay, hold thou it, and God help me with that I haue already.

Two Theeues were apprehended for a robbery, and be­ing tormented to confesse the fact, the one did so, and was hanged: th'other endur'd most horrible paines, and neuer would confesse anie thing, notwithstanding the most plaine prooffes that were produced against him. Now, the law of Spaine is, that if a man by extremitie of torture cannot bee brought to con­fesse his fellonious fact, he to bee absolu'd, notwithstanding what euident matter soeuer come in against him. This Fellon being then absolu'd, and set at libertie, chanced to bee certaine daies after in the company of some his good friends, and they marueilling how in so cleere a case as that, he had the good hap to scape the gallowes: he answered: Mary thus: my fellow and I (whiles he liued) made this couenāt between vs, that whoso­euer of vs (as we traueill'd on the way) shuld first chance to dis­couer an Ale-house, he to pay the whole shot, and the other to goe scot-free. Now (as yee all know) he discouered first & foo­lishlie, and so hath payd the shot for vs both.

It is the custome of Spaine to traile murtherers in a greate round basket vp and downe the streets, so fast as two horses can make way, and so by continuall reuolution to tosse them to death: A murtherer was condemned so to die, and being to be put into the basket, and seeing it somwhat myrie and slubber'd on the out-side, he excepted therunto, and sware that vnlesse that ordure were wyp'd away, he would rather be hang'd thē enter thereinto.

A Fellon was to suffer death at Granada townes-end, & be­ing carted on the way to execution, a Swain met him, & said. Brother, now that you go to die, for Gods sake discharge your conscience, and tell me what is become of my Mule. The Fel­lon answered: Now before God (villain) thou lyest: The Fryer (his ghostly Father) seeing such his impatience, rebuk'd him gentlie, and bid him bee of a better minde. But anon after the [Page 158] Swaine vrging him for his Mule, as before, the Fellon all in a rage, answered: I tell thee (villaine) if I had thee in any other place but heere, (by Iesus) I would teare thy eares from thy head. Then the Frier said vnto him. Fie, fie, what a minde is this you beare? Beleeue me, if I heare anie more such bugges words come from you, I will euen turne backe, and leaue you to die as please God: Mary, get you gone with a vengeance (an­swered the Fellon) what (a Deu'll) make yee heer? as little care I for your company, as for this cart: and foule befall him that sent me this way.

A Smith had slaine one, and was to be condemn'd for the fact: Then his Parishioners came in and besought the Iudge to spare him, affirming that they had no more Smithes but him, nor any one neer them of many a mile: They further alleadged, that besides that hee was a good Farrier, hee could also make lockes and keyes, and all maner of Ironage belonging either to cart or plough: wherunto the Iudge answered: My maisters, I haue heard your allegations, but on the other side, a man is slaine, and how shall justice then be perfourmed? They repli­ed: Mary, and like your L. we haue heer a couple of weauers a­mongst vs, and one of them wil serue our turnes wel ynough, we pray you therfore, hang the other weauer, & saue the smith.

A fellon being car [...]ed away toward the gallowes, a coun­try-man of his met him, and said: Why whether away, (Coun­try-man) what all a la mort? I faith (he answered) euen to yonder townes end, to end a pribble-prabble matter.

A murderer being condemn'd to die, said: Whē I am once dead, some good bodie make dice of my bones.

Quarto is a small Spanish Brasse-coin, also it signifieth in Spa­nish, a quarter of any thing: A Iudge pronouncing sentēce vp­on a Fellon, and saying [He to be hang'd and made into foure Quartos] The Fellon answered: Nay, I pray (sir) turne me into better coyne then so.

An old woman was whipp'd at a Carts taile for baudrie & [Page 159] witch-craft: And after al was done, the Hangman demanded of her his fees & charges: namely, he reckon'd vnto her (amongst other things) what the paper and the picture she wore on her forehead all the whipping while cost him. All too deare a pa­per, son (said the Witch) but hold heer thy reckoning for this once, & see thou keepe that paper for me till the next time.

A Doctor of Physicks man was apprehended for Fellony, and being ask'd by the Iustice whom he would choose to be his Surgion in the paines hee was to abide till hee had consest the fact: he answered: My maister, because I know him to bee both a good Physition and a good Surgion too. Whereupon the Doctor standing by, then said vnto him: Loe heer my Sur­gerie then: Hold thy mouth close, and bleed a Gods name.

A Passenger complain'd to a Captaine, how certaine his Souldiours had robb'd him of all that euer he had. Wherunto the Captain answered: Tell mee (friend) ware you that doublet when they robb'd you? He answered: Yea: Then get you gone, (said the Captaine) for well I wot, had they beene my Souldi­ours, they would haue left you neuer a rag to your backe.

A murtherer being condemn'd to die, said vnto the Iudges: Faith (sirs) I see you would make a proper peece of worke of it, if a matter of waigh [...] lay on your handes, that thus for a tri­fle condemne mee to die.

A Fellon being burn'd in the hand for his first offence, one ask'd him certaine dayes after how he had sped: hee answered: Marie, the whole matter was referred euen to mine owne handling.

A Fellon who had been pardon'd many his former misde­meanours, being brought againe to the barre for a new matter, said, that if bee might escape but that time, hee would neuer whiles hee liu'd incurre the like daunger more: Whereunto a Sarjeant standing by answered: Wel maist thou liue to prooue an honest man in deed, for (well I wot) thou hast hetherto out­liu'd a great deale of villanie.

[Page 160]A Ruffian and a queane were to be whipt at a Carts taile in Ciuill: and the wench being brought foorth of the Iayle, and meeting her said mate at the cart before her, said vnto him: For your sake (Sir knaue) come I hether to be whipt, and dishono­red to day: Hee answered: Gogs nownes (whoore) and where am I? I pray thee.

A Fellon being to be turn'd off the ladder, call'd for a glasse ofwine, and receiuing the cup, he blew off the froth, and saide: Oh, it is nought for the raines of my backe.

A Fellon being to suffer, a maide came to the gallowes to beg him for her husband, according as the custome of Spaine dispenceth in that case: The people seeing this, said vnto the fel­low. Now praise God, that he hath thus mercifullie preseru'd thee, and see thou euer make much of this kind woman, that so friendly saues thy life: With that the Fellon well viewing her, & seeing a great skarre in her face, which did greatlie disfigure her, and with all she was old, and of a sowre complexion, hee then said vnto the Hangman: On (my good friend) doe thy du­tie: I'le none of her.

A Fellon being brought to the Sessions house for a robbe­rie, and being conuicted of the fact, and vpon the point to re­ceiue judgement, the Iudge ask'd him, what hee could say for himselfe, he answered: And like your honour, I thought they were Papists goods.

A Fellon being to bee throwne of the ladder, said to the people: Haue at yonder Daisie.

A Fellon that had lost one of his eares for his former fact, & was condemn'd the second time to loose the other, his haire was so ouer-grown, and hung so wildly about his face, that the Hangman could not readily find his eare, and was thereat half angrie: which the Fellon seeing, was no lesse chollericke, and said: Gogs nailes (villaine) am I bound to find thee eares euerie Sessions?

Two Theeues came by night to rob a Marchantes shop, and [Page 161] it chanced that a boy lay there that night, who ouer-hearing their attempt, said vnto them: Sirs, get you gone, and come a­gaine anon, for I am not yet asleepe.

An Officer passing along the street in an euening, saw three or foure good fellowes carrying a chest, and certain loose plate out of a house: and hee ask'd them whose goods they were: they answered: Of yonder house where you saw vs come out, which we carie to another house, because the good-man there is euē now dead of the plague, & his houshold remoues forth with: Then the Officer ask'd them how it chanced that none of the house stood weeping at the street-doore (such being the Spanish maner in that case:) they answered: I warrant yee, you shall see weeping eyes ynough ther to morrow: And so he did indeed: For walking that way in the morning, he saw the good wife weeping at her doore for the losse of her plate, and other rich goods, which they carried away in that chest.

One did a robbery in one sheere, and was taken in an other, and being brought before the Iustice there, the Iustice thought good to returne him backe againe to the other sheere where he committed the robberie: Wherupon the theefe saide vnto him: I pray (sir) if that be Lawe, let me aske you one question: How if a man be takē a bed to night with his neighbors wife, ought he to be sent thether againe the next night too?

A Fellon at the barre pleading eagerly in his defence, and seeing the Iudge busie in talke with one that came and deliuer'd him a message, said vnto him: I pray (my Lord) tend to your Iu­stice, and let that knaue alone till another time: Wherunto the Iudge answered: Feare not (sir knaue) I warrant you, Ile see to you well ynough: The Fellon reply'd: I had rather you did not see me at all: But seeing you doe, I had rather you saw me lesse, and heard me more.

Theeues entring by night into a poore mans cottage in a Cōmon, who was no more woorth then the verie bare mat­teresse hee lay vpon, and the couerlet therunto: his doublet & [Page 162] hose seruing him for his pillow a nights, they robb'd him of al: Then he all in vain intreating for his apparell, at last said vnto them: Why (sirres?) what I laid not downe by day, will you take away by night?

A Countrie-man being set vpon by a Theefe, was so light of foote, that he scap'd away from him: Which the theefe per­ceiuing, and being quite out of hope to ouertake him, stood still, and fell extreamly a laughing to himselfe: The countrie­man thē turning back, and seeing him so merrie, thought haply that he was some old acquaintance of his grown out of remembrance, that in jest had all that while pursu'd him: and in that conceipt came towards him, and still the theef laugh'd more & more, as seeming his acquaintance: Insomuch as the plaine fel­low suspecting no danger, came within his danger, and fa [...]re loft his purse.

A Scholler being to be hang'd for robbing his father in law, at the very instant that he was to be throwne off the ladder, said: Dulce mori pro Patria.

A Fellon at the barre saying to a pitifull Iudge: And like your Honor, the thing I am heere accus'd of, was not woorth aboue a Crown on my conscience: With that the Iudge turn'd him to the Iurie, & said: Hear ye not (sirs) what the poor fellow saith? hee saith it was not woorth aboue a Crowne: And I say vnto you that a mans life is more woorth then 20. Crownes.

A Fellon at the gallowes said vnto the Hangman: Villain, better yet be hang'd, then bee a Hangman, like thee: True (an­swered the Hang-man) were it not for hanging.

A Iudge condemn'd a Traitor to be hang'd and quartered And the Traytor said: Euen so? ( Pilate) what? hanginges and curtaines too?

OF CONY-CATCHERS.

A Merry Gent. landing at a sea-towne in this land, and ly­ing ther in an Inne at greater charge thē his present indi­gence could defray, bid his man in a morning go down and mal-content himselfe before the Hoste and Hostesse, and mumblinglie to say: Lord, what a scalde maister doe I serue! This it is to serue such Seminarie Priestes and Iesuits: Nowe (before God) I'le euen leaue him in the lurch, and shift for my selfe: Heer's adoe about Penance & Mortification, as though (forsooth) the Lord had not dy'd ynough for all. The fel­low mumbled out these his instructions so disguisedly, that it strooke a constant jealousie in the Inholders heart, that (questionlesse) his Maister was such a kind of person indeede, namely a Seminarie or a Iesuit Priest. Wherupon he present­ly sent for the Constable, told him all the premisses, & vp they went together to attatch the Gent. in his chamber: Who purposely had shut himselfe close in, and betaken him to his knees, and to his crosses, to make the matter seeme more suspi­cious: which they espying through the key-hole, made then no question of him, but in they rush'd, and arrested him for a Se­minarie-Priest, defray'd his score there, bore his and his mans charges vp to London, and there presented him before my last Lord Bishop: Nowe marke the jest. My Lord knewe the Gent. passing well, entertain'd him with good respect, & dis­charg'd him presently out of their handes: Who straight pointing & broad jesting at such their folly, taught thē by such a president more wit & thrift against the next time.

A plaine Conie-catcher not knowing where to goe dine, went to the Sheriffes of London about dinner time, and espy­ing his opportunitie, stept to him, and said: I pray you (sir) what may a wedge of golde thus long bee woorth? The She­riffe straight thinking that hee had founde some such greate [Page 164] peece, tooke him by the hand, had him in to dinner with him, and caru'd him of the choisest meates vpon the boord: In the end after dinner was done, the Conie-catcher arose with the rest, and after hauing reuerently thank'd the Sheriffe for his good cheere, offred to be gone. With that the Sheriffe call'd him backe againe, and question'd him aside about the foresaid wedge of golde: affirming, that if he would sell it, hee would giue him more for it then any man: Then the full-belly fellow belching his good cheere vpon the Sheriffes face, answered: In sooth (sir) I thanke yee, I haue no such matter: onlie I thought good to aske you aforehand, what such a wedge might bee woorth, in case I should hereafter chance to finde any such to bring you.

A Cony-catcher hauing made merrie in an Inne, and wan­ting wherwith to discharge the shot, stept ouer the way to a Barbars shop, and would needs be trimm'd: The Barbar trim­med him, and when he had done, the Conie-catcher tooke a Lute of his in his hand, and began to fumble theron, and fum­bled himself quite out of doors, bidding the Barbar to come af­ter him to his Inne to breakfast, where he wold discharge both him & his Hostesse al-together: The Barbar beleeu'd him, and let him haue away his Lute with him: and by reason hee staid somwhat long after, the Conie-catcher in the meane time left the said Lute in pawn for his good cheer, and rid cleane away.

The said Conie-catcher making merrie with a wench in a Tauerne, and wanting money (as afore) to discharge the recko­ning, sent for Musitions to play to him as he was at dinner, and after dinner was done, sent away the wench priuily vnder cullour to call for a reckoning, he only & the Musitions remai­ning there: Anon after seeming to maruell why shee staid so long, he said vnto the Musitions: Play on (sirs) a while, till I go downe and see what the matter is, that they are so long about the reckoning, I'le come againe presen [...]lie. So downe he went, and they below suspecting no such matter, by reason they hard [Page 165] the Musitions still playing aboue: hee making as though hee would but step aside to make water, slunke quite and cleane a­way, leauing Musicke onlie to pay the shot.

Two Conie-catchers came in an euening to a Tauerne, and watching their opportunitie, th'one of them slipt off his cloak to his fellow, and tucking on an apron before him, stept into a lower roome where certain Gent. were at supper, and in sem­blance of a seruant of the house, whipt away a rich Salte from off their table, vnder cullour and request that hee might haue it for certaine Knights, who (hee said) were then come thether to supper, leauing a pewter one in lieu of it, and so slipt cleane away there with and was neuer heard of more.

A Marchant sate in a sommers euening at his street-doore and a Conie-catcher came in the semblance of a ciuill Tailer, & doing obeysance vnto him, offred to step into his house: The Marchant asking him what he would, he answered: And please you (sir) your maid will'd me to fetch a gown of hers to mend, I pray, can ye tell if shee be within? Go in and see (answered the marchant.) So in went the Cony-catcher, and meeting with one of the Marchants men, told him that he came for one of his ma­sters gownes to mend, nam'd the gowne, and will'd him to de­liuer it him presentlie: The fellow beleeuing him, the rather be­cause his maister sate at the doore▪ and saw him come in, and it was also likely that he would not so peremptorily demaund it but vpon a good ground, deliuer'd him the gowne without a­nie more adoe: who straight whipt out a doores with it vnder the Marchants nose, giuing him only a cogging Conge, & a bare By your leaue (Sir) as he passed by.

A Conie-catcher hooking in the night time in at a Gent. chamber window, fastened his hooke by chance vpon his bed-cloathes, wherwith the Gent. awaking, and perceiuing what the matter was, holp the Conie-catcher softly to vnfasten his hooke, & withall tooke holde of it with his hand, permitting himselfe as it were to be drawne by it: The Conicatcher thin­king [Page 166] hee had fastened vpon a prize, drew stil, and still the Gent. followed his twitches: till at last the Cony-catcher thinking to vnfasten the booty, the Gent. caught him by the hande, and with his dagger would haue stabb'd him, had hee not cry'd Peccaui: So was this Conie-catcher catch'd in his owne traine.

A venerious Doctor, and yet somewhat scrupulous with­all, had gotten a bonnie-Lasse into a groue, and there began to vntrusse his pointes towards the bargaine, still knocking his breast, and saying: Domine compesce concupiscentiam carnis meae, Domine compesce concupiscentiam, &c. But minding more Con­cupiscentiam carnis suae, then Domine compesce: he still vntrust so long, that he trust the wench with child.

A Seruing-man fayling to winne a Farmers faire daugh­ter by fayre meanes, deuis'd to rauish her, and thus hee did it: The maide went euerie night to milke her Fathers Cow in a rough ground full of Bushes and Birtches: and to the end shee might the more readilier find out the Cow a nightes, had ty'd a bell about the necke of it: The Seruing-man knowing her milking-houre, stole to the place afore, and tooke off the Cow bell from the Cow, and when hee heard the Maid was come, hee tinckled it still before her from bush to bush, till at last hee drew her by the sound therof into a secure place of the wood, and there won her to his villany.

An infinitie of Emmots lay vppon a Vine-yarde, and sore spoyl'd the Vines: A Begger by chance passing that way, and hearing therof, vndertooke onely for ten daies victuals to destroy them all. Then made hee a little leather-bagge, and sow'd within it a Scrowle, as it might seeme a Charme, and buried it in the highest plot of the Vine-yard, and so let it lie. At the ten dayes end away hee got him, and was neuer seene more, glad, that hee had so well victual'd himselfe at a Fooles charge: At last the bag being taken out of the earth, and vn­ript, the scrowle there inclos'd was to this effect,

OF BEGGERS.

ONe offred a Begger a benefite, and hee of daintinesse re­fus'd it: Then th'other ask'd him, whether he could be­stow such an other benefit on him: Oh no (hee answe­red) I am not so able, would I were: Then hold heere (reply'd the other,) refuse not a benefit at thy betters hand, who can and will affoord it thee.

A poore Scholler begg'd of a Scottishe Queene her gracious liberalitie, saying Pauper sum: The Queene answered, Pauper vbique jacet: The Scholler reply'd,

A Constable ask'd a poore fellowe on the way whereof he liued: hee answered: If your question were, whereof I die, I could better resolue you, for I die of hunger.

At Valleodolid in Spaine, it is the custome, that whatsoe­uer Sacristane of anie Church there, can vpon Corpus Christi-day deuise any singular ceremonie for that solemne feast (not vs'd before time) hee to haue a beneficiall beneuolence awar­ded him by all the Churches of the towne. A poore Sa­cristane desirous to winne that dayes prize, all thred-bare and ragged as hee was, came ouer night to a chiese Gentleman of the Towne, to craue his aduise in that behalfe: vvho view­ing his nakednes and extreame pouertie, sayd vnto him: Shew thy selfe in the Procession too morrow with a new paire of shooes on thy feet.

A Gent. gaue a Begger a penie: And the Begger said: What? such a Gentleman as you, giue a poore man but a penie? One [Page 168] peny more to your poore brother for Gods sake. Thy brother (quoth the Gent.) how so? Marie, in Adam (answered the beg­ger.) With that the Gent. laugh'd, and reply'd): If all thy bro­thers in Adam would giue thee but as much, thou would'st soone be the richest Prince in the world.

Certaine wagges were beholding a faire Gentlewoman at a window, and one of them said to the rest: Sirs, I suppose there is none of vs all but wold willingly pawn his cloak for a nights lodging with yonder Gentlewoman: By chance a lame Begger stood by, and ouer-hearing him say so, stept in and said: I, and thither should my crutches goe too.

A charitable person passing by a poore creature that lay in the street all full of sores & byles, did away the Flies with his cloake from off his body: Wherupon the begger said: Sir, you wrong me with your charitie, for these Flies were almost full with my blood, and stung me the lesse, whereas now new hungrie ones will light in their places, and sting me sore.

A miser misusing a poore creature in tearmes, the poore man said: I may be rich, and you may be poore, I may rise, and you may fall, for you are high and I am low.

A Spanish Souldiour returning from the rich warrs of Lum­bardie, being but a beggers sonne, and borne in a most barraine heath, where was not so much as water many a mile off, and where dwell'd only some halfe dozen Shepheards and Colli­ers besides his Father, the richest of them being scarce woorth three farthings: This Gallant thus flauntinglie returned home to Spaine, and recompting the rich warres of Lumbardy in all places where hee came, was ask'd why hee would leaue such gallant warres, and come home: he answered: The loue of my country.

OF EQVIVOCATES IN SPEECH.

DEstogada signifies in Spanish vnarayed, and De­stocada vnstabb'd or vntouch'd: A Spanish Gen. came early in a morning to visit his Virgin-mi­stresse, and her mayd told him that shee was yet Destogada: viz. vnarrayed: Marie, therefore come I (answered the Gent.) for wist I, that shee were not meerly Destocada, viz. vntouch'd, I would not thus early come to proffer her my seruice.

Solar in Spanish is any thing appertaining to the Sunne: also it signifies a Floore or a pauement: A testy Gallant finding him selfe aggrieu'd with words of disgrace that were proffered him said: Villaine, thou hast abus'd my reputation, I tell thee my Gentry is as manifest as the Solar, (viz. the Sunne,) and no lesse bright it shineth: Wherunto the other answered: Yea, well I wot, you are not only of the Solar (viz. of the Floore) but also aboue it, for he stood vpon the floore: Also it beareth this Iro­nicall sence, that he acknowledged him not only Sun-like, but also aboue the Sunne: and so he flouted him with an Hyperboli­call flatterie.

Corredor signifies in Spanish a Broker, also it signifies a Foot­man: A Broker came to a Faire to sell a siluer cup, and one ask'd him the price therof, as also whether he would warrant the sale of it. Yes (said he) that I will, for I am a Corredor. (viz. a Broker) & I dwell at such a place. With that the other hauing the Cup in his hand, ran away with it, saying: If you be a Corredor, as you say (viz. a Foot-man as he meant it) let me see if you can ouertake mee.

One said to an old Forrester: Faith, you are a senex-Fornicator [Page 170] so you are: The Forrester ask'd him what that was: hee answe­red: An old Forrester: True (said the Forrester) indeed such a one haue I been these full fiue and fifty yeares.

One threw stones at an yll-fauor'd old womans Owle, & the old woman said: Faith (sir knaue) you are well occupy'd, so you are, to throw stones at my poore Owle, that doth you no harme, so shee doth not: Yea marie (answered the wag so wold you be better occupy'd too (I wisse) if you were yoong againe and had a better face, so you would.

Don Alonso de Aguilar lying one night in a village, where he heard a great rumbling and noise in the street and within the house, so as hee could take no rest all night long, ask'd his Hoste in the morning how that Village was called: he answe­red Almachar: No (said Don Alonso) it is Alma-hechar: as much to say in Spanish, as, Giue vp the Ghost.

At Madredejos in Spaine it is the custome, euerie Cor­pus Christi-day certaine rich Farmers sonnes to make a break-fast in the Market-place to a number of wagges, such as they shall thinke good to elect; and this breake-fast place they call'd Hell: It so fell out that these Farmers sonnes and their electes being at breakfast in this place vpon a Corpus Christi-day mor­ning, a murther was committed at the same instant without the towne, and diuers were apprehended for the fact: Among o­thers a Fish-monger was one, who being brought to his try­all, was straight acquitted by the Iurie, which gaue in, that the said Fish-monger was in hell at the time of the murther com­mitted.

A Gentleman taking his leaue of a Gentlewoman, said: May it please you to will me any seruice; Shee answered: No, I doe not yet make my will.

Calderon in Spanish signifies a Chaldron: A Gentleman, whose name was Calderon dallying at a Well in an Orchard with two Lasses, an other Gentleman came by and requested him to helpe him to a draught of that Well-water: he answe­red: [Page 171] Sir with all my hart I would, but I lacke wherewithall to draw it vp: Th'other reply'd: Hauing a Calderon and two buckets, can you draw vp none?

Roque in Spanish is a Chesse-man so called, and Dama is a Gentlewoman, and the Queene at Chesse-play: One Senior Roque married a faire Dame and a rich, and a friend of his hea­ring of it, said: Oh happy Roque that couldst giue so faire a Da­ma the mate.

Romero signifies in Spanish a Pilgrim: One whose name was so, ask'd an other whether he knew him: who answe­red: Yea, very well, by the token you beg for Gods sake.

A Gentleman whose maistresse name was Field, saying in a morning to a friend of his: See howe I am all bedew'd with comming ouer yonder field: The other answered: Rather is it with lying all night in the field.

One came to seeke out a yoong Gentleman at a Dicing­house, who hauing lost all his money was but newlie gone a walking, and one of the company said vnto him: You doe well to seeke him out, for he is lost: viz. he had lost.

One came to visite his enamour'd friend, and he found him all alone in a Turret pensiue: stepping in vnto him, hee said: Where is this enamour'd Gallant? what, in a Turret? hee an­swered: I, where should a dead man be, but enterred?

One Beast was suspected to haue cowardly beaten and brui­sed a weaponlesse poore fellowe by night, and hee stoutlie de­nying it before a Iustice, a Gentleman that stood by, said: Out of doubt, if a Beast did it not, yet was it done like a Beast, who ere did it.

Certaine Gentlewomen were eating of a Posset, and they all commended how good it was: A Gentleman of the com­pany for contradiction sake, said: No, it is not good: Where­unto one of the Gentlewomen answered: You say what it is not, but you doe not say what it is.

[Page 172]A Gentlewoman that had two Paramours: the one called Spot, the other Fuller: one merrily sayd of her: Hauing a Fuller, I maruell shee can haue ere a Spot.

EXTRAVAGANT SPEECH.

ONe being in danger of drowning, an other standing on the shore, said vnto him. Get to yōder stooping tree, & you are safe: Tut (hee answered) tell not mee of getting or gayning, for I care but only to saue my selfe at this time.

A Spanish Gent. looking out at his window after a coorse that was caried out of his house to be buried, said: Oh, howe hard a matter were it to thrust mee out of my house, seeing to carie a dead man hence is foure mens traueill.

A Spaniard seeing in a Church in Flanders all the Saintes I­mages defac'd and broken, and anon after noting in the streetes a manie faire houses downe, the chimneyes only standing, said: It had been meet whē these ruins were a doing, that the Priests had conuay'd the Saintes into these chymneyes, and the Ci­tizens their houses into the Church for Sanctuarie. Wherunto an other adjoyn'd: Thus you see where Lutheranes preuaile, Saintes goe to wracke.

One was a telling an other how one Fernando Ruis Cauesa of such a place, dwelt 26. miles from Ciuill, and 26. from Seres: An other comming in abruptly, & asking him what he said: he answered: It is a whole paire of Cardes.

One being ask'd what hee made in those parts: he answered I haue not done any good deeds to be yet in heauen.

A Moore walking along the streets of Toledo, pass'd ouer a bridge where stood a many shops and no housing: Seeing it, he ask'd a shop-boy, where his Maister lay a nights: who answe­red: At his house in the towne, as all the rest besides did: Oh, foolish people (then reply'd the Moore) no wife by day, nor no goods by night.

[Page 173]A mightie fat Gent. had nere a child by his faire wife: And offring one day to runne for a wager with a familiar friend of his▪ and to giue him a quoytes-cast ods before him, the other answered: Giue me but one cast more, and I'le deliuer you her with childe.

A Father comming to see his sonne drest of a wound in his face, said: It would not haue grieu'd mee halfe so much if it had been in the arme, or in the legge, or in any other place but ther: The sonne answered: Oh Father, Receiuers are no Choosers.

One asking one whether his brother were yet aliue: he an­swered: No, nothing liuelie, but a verie Lubber.

A widdow-Gentlewoman fearing least her leane son might haplie conuerse ouermuch a nights with his fair Bride, & ther­by incurre a consumption, vs'd often times to send him abroad about her businesse some three or foure dayes together, and so many nights: which the yoong Gentlewoman his wife tooke verie vnkindly at her handes: Insomuch as on a time her hus­band being from home, and she looking out at a window, and chancing to see a many Sparrowes sitting in a bush, she skarr'd them all away, saying. Faith (Sparrowes) you had best be gone, least my mother in law come and send you going with a wit­nesse.

A Recusant making water against a church-wal, the Church-warden seeing it, excepted thereunto, as prophanely done. Wherunto he answered: It is my Church, not yours.

A kind wife followed her husband to the gallowes, and he requesting her not to trouble her selfe any further: shee answe­red: Ah yes (deere husband) nowe that I am come thus farre, faith, I'le see you hang'd too (God willing.)

A Cooke seeing his far wife sit stradling at the shop doore, said vnto her: Fie on thee (slut) shut vp that shop of thine: The Goodwife answered: The Deu'll take him that hath the key and doth it not.

One saying to his neighbour that he had a Pope in his belly, [Page 174] he answered: Better so yet, then a deuill in my heart.

One saying to his neighbour in an euening: God giue you good night: Th'other answered: Amen.

Bishop Gardener seeing one of his men waite at the boord with a monstrous great Codpeece prick'd full of pinnes on the top, tooke a peece of bread, and crumbled it towards him, say­ing: Cob, cob, come cob, cob.

A wench saying to one: Thou art an errand knaue, so thou art, to vse me so behind my backe: By chance one comming by, and ouer-hearing it, said: Belike you would haue had it in your bellie.

A Pothecarie was shewing one an Vnicornes horne, and an other came in abruptlie, and ask'd him what horne it was: hee answered: A Cuckolds horne of a hundred yeeres olde.

An Officer examining a poore Passenger where he dwelt, and how he liu'd: he answered: If you would examine me about other matters, you should find I were full of Lice.

OF EVASIONS AND EXCV­ses in speech.

DOn Diego Arias, Treasurer to Iohn King of Spaine, being sent for on a time by the King, said vnto the Messenger: Doth the King send for me? Now a wedge betide him I pray God: Being afterward call'd in question for so saying: hee answered: I meant your Majestie a wedge for your fortunes wheele.

Quemada signifies in Spanish to burne, or be on fire: A Gent. whose name was Quemada was a certaine faire Ladies Para­mour: She whensoeuer shee affirm'd any thing in earnest vs'd stil to say. Quemada me vea, if it be not true: that is: A fire light on me, if it be not true.

A Weauer that vs'd to steale more yarne then his lawful al­lowance, had a priuy place in his house where to hide it, which he call'd Hell: Hee whensoeuer anie of his Customers charg'd [Page 175] him with any such theft, vs'd thus to protest & sweare: If I haue anie more then my due, now I pray God in hell I may find it.

At the change of Religion heer in England, one Doctor Mor­gan was depos'd from his cure to giue place to the Ministrie. It chanced that being inuited certain daies alter to a dinner wher­at were present certaine Iustices and a manie other worshipful guests, he thus at dinner time mumbled vnto himselfe: And is it euen so, Morgan? Faith▪ haue they so hardly dealt with thee? wel (I assure thē) it shal cost manie a mans life for it ere I haue done. Such his mumblement being ouer-heard, came afterwardes in question to his danger, as seeming to proceede of a treasonable discontent with the present state: And being brought to his an­swere, he thus justified this speech, saying: I confesse I spake the words, and it is true that the losse of my Benefice is like to cost manie a mans life: for hauing now no other trade to liue by, thē phisicke (wherein as yet I am altogether vnskilfull,) it is likelie that my too timely practise will be the death of many a one.

Castanio signifies in Spanish a Chesse-nut tree, also it is the name of the best kinds of Iennets in Spaine. An vpstart Gallant walking in the street in companie of a many Gentlemen, chan­ced to meet the Carier of his Country, and asking him for let­ters from his friends, & what was the best newes in those parts, the Carier answered: No letters (sir) but bad newes: Your fa­ther climing a Castanio th'other day to beate downe Chesse-nuts for his hogs, fell down & broke his neck: Which newes some of the Gent. ouer-hearing, smil'd to themselues, & ask'd him what bad Castanio-news it was the Carier told him: he an­swered: Mary (Gent.) euen as I alwaies fear'd: Know ye that my father was th'only braue horsman in all our countrey, and was neuer without halfe a dozen of most especiall choise Castaneos, (viz. Ienets of that kind,) and riding th'other day vpon one of them to visit a faire Ladie, it chanced that the horse fell downe a high hill, and hath slaine him.

A mad-man rusht into a chamber with a drawne sworde: [Page 176] and finding one there a bed, would haue slaine him, saying: Vil­laine, were it not valiantly done to strike off thy knaues head at one blow: Th'other answered: Tut (sir) that's nothing with your worship to doe, you can as easily strike off two heads at a blow as one: Wherfore, if you please, I'le go downe and cal vp an other, that you may strike off both our heads at once. The mad-man beleeu'd him, and so let him slip away.

A Noble-man in this land call'd a Doctor errand Knaue, and the Doctor answered: Good (my L.) I would be loth to be so errand a Knaue as your Lordship: And heerat he made a pawse, as fayning to spet, and then adioyn'd: Takes me to be.

A Noble-mans man on S. Georges day, for lacke of a golde­chaine, wore a Copper one gilt, and fearing least it might bee perceiued, button'd it close vp to his neck within his doublet: Comming in the afternoone to visite his maistresse, she seeing him weare his chaine so in hugger-mugger, ask'd him why he wore it so: he answered: I giue it sucke, least it should crie, and be ouer-noysome to anie.

One that was none of the wisest was created Comptroller ouer a Citie in Spaine call'd Badajos, wherof he was naturall: & another hearing of it, said: that the Counsell had greatly err'd to create him Comptroller of that place: Being ask'd why: he an­swered: Because he cannot be Comptroller in his owne coun­try: viz. hee could not comptroll himselfe.

Two Souldiours being come to the place of single combat, the aduersaries ghostly Father ask'd th'other Souldiour if hee had not any Rellicke or charme about him, whereby he might hope to preuaile against th'other: This Souldiours ghostly Fa­ther then standing by, thus aenigmatically therunto answered: This othe I dare take for him my self, who hath no such matter about him.

A widow-Gentlewoman suspecting that a yoong Gallant who was a suter to her faire daughter, had priuily deflour'd her, and in that respect vnlesse he would take a booke-oath to [Page 177] the contrary, she sware shee would giue no portion with her: The Gent. knowing himself guilty, took the Testament in his hand, and thus aenigma [...]icallie sware: I heer protest by the ho­ly contentes of this booke before you, that neuer in all my life did I know this Gentlewoman your daughter carnally, as you or any other may imagine [but (indeed) I confesse, I kist her, & embrac'd her, and toy'd with her, as I haue done with many Gentlewomen more in my daies, and yet neuer any dishone­stie came of it.

One objecting to a reuerend man that he kept a queane, he answered: What matter is it if I haue a whoore, and a whoore haue not mee.

One being reprehended for liuing all to sloothfullie: he an­swered: We are not bound to giue accompt of our slooth, but of our labours.

One saying to a Gent. Sir, it were very good you told such a one of his faults, that he may amend them: he answered: It is ynough that I thinke him a knaue, though I tell him not so to his face.

One saying to a Gent. Faith, hauing so much intrest in N. as you haue, mee thinks you might easly bridle his passions: he answered: I am no horse-coorser.

A Clowne hauing surfeited of Beefe, and being therewith extreame sicke, vow'd neuer whiles he liu'd to eat Beefe more, if it pleas'd God he might escape for that once: Shortlie after ha­uing his perfect health again, he would needs haue eaten beefe, and his sister putting him in mind of his vow, hee answered: True (sister,) not without mustard (good L.) not without mu­stard.

SENCE REVERSED BY IDEN­titie of speech.

A Poore Carpenter, yet a good work-man, was employ'd to the building of a bridge, wherin he became so good a gainer, that it set him vp for euer. And in one of the main [Page 178] postes therof he had engrauen these words: [ Sanchio Rodriguez made this Bridge.] An other came after, & wrote vnderneath with a coale, [This bridge made Sanchio Rodriguez.]

One commended halfe a foole for a very wise & profound person. Profound indeed (answered an other) for (well I wot) 20. buckets can scarse draw him out of his deeps.

One call'd an other foole, who answered: Indeed, so may I seeme, because I speak in such sort as you may vnderstand me.

One chyding his sonne for lying long a bed a mornings, told him that such a one with rising earlie in a morning chanced to find a bagge of gold: The sonne answered: Too early rose hee (Father) that lost it.

A Gent. leading a faire Gentlewoman by the hand through a dark ruinous roome, said vnto her: Lord, what a sweet room were this, were not you in it? Shee answered: A sweet roome were this, were not you in it.

A Prentise hearing a Tinker crying in the street [Haue yee any worke for a Tinker] bid him goe to Banbery: The Tinker answered: I, there (boy) belike thy father was hang'd: he repli'd: Why would he be a Tinker then?

One seeing an old Pettyfogger in the street writing downe a memorandum in his note-booke, said vnto him: Why how now (Grand [...]ire?) what scribbling make you there? hee answe­red: I register such knaues as you.

OF IMPROPER SPEECH.

One vsed an improper tearme to a Falkoner, saying, that his Hauke dung'd: The Falkoner told him, that he should haue said, Muted: Anon after this fellow stumbled, & fel into a Cowshare, and the Falkoner asking him how hee came so beray'd: he answered: In a Cow-mute.

A Country-Gent. going to buy hogges some fiue or sixe miles from home, came to a Farmers house, who had some to [Page 179] sell, and chancing on the sudden to see his faire daughter as hee entred in at the doore, he mistooke his tearmes, and said vnto her: If hogges bring you foorth, they must needes be fair hogs: Hee would haue said: If you bring foorth these hogges to see, they must needs be faire hogges.

A Count Palatines Ladie, and an other Ladie in the Spa­nish Court were at brabble, and taunted one another highlie: The Palatine-Ladie returning shortly after home to her Lord, tolde him a great tale of all th'abuse was offred her, and name­lye how the other Ladie denyed her the Title of a Countesse Palatine: Wherunto th'Earle answered: Deere Ladie, (setting God aside), you are euen as great a Lady Palatine as the Coun­tesse of Beneuente.

One was a boasting how little he fear'd the plague, & sayd: All were I to goe to the deuill, I would neuer feare the plague.

A Country-man being at the Tearme, and hearing much rumour that my Lord of Lecester had wonne a Sconce in the Low-countries, told his neighbours for newes when he came home, that my L. of Lecester had won a Lantern.

A plain fellow came to borrow his neighbours Boare, and he ask'd him what he would doe with it, hee answered: Mary, to take his pleasure of my Sow.

A Country-man sent his sonne with a Basket-full of Chic­kens to his Land-Lady, and the Swaine to bee very fine, sayd: Maistresse, my father hath sent you heer a nest of Peeps.

A Scowld was a saying, what a skeruie knaue is he to vse mee so behind my back. A Gent. by chance passing by, & ouerhea­ring it, answer'd: Wel might he so doe, all were he not skeruy.

OF EMBLEMES, POESIES, AND Endorcements.

THe Marques of Cortese wonted to say, that he that wants friends is like a Hony-comb without hony, an eare with­out corne, a tree without fruite.

[Page 180]A religious Dame caus'd her picture to be drawne, holding her litle child in one hand, and a Bible in the other, and ouer the Bible was written, my Ioy, and ouer the Child, my Comfort.

A Gentlewoman was reading the poesie of another Gentle­womans ring, and it was, God help me. A third Gentlewoman standing by, ask'd her what it was. She answered: A verie pal­trie one.

Don Aluaro de Ayala gaue the halfe Moon in his Crest, and a Page of his seeing it engrauen vpon a wall, wrote vnderneath it with a coale, Nunca llena: viz. Bee it neuer at full: His Maister checking him therfore, and asking him why he wrote so, he an­swered: Mary (sir) because the Moone being once at full, of force it must decrease.

A new married Bride had her picture drawne, holding in her hande ouer-thwart her belly, a Bay-branch full of greene leaues, wherof one sprig was made moūting vpwards toward her heart, and an other down towards her priuy part, & it was written vpon the ouer-thwart branch thus: Fetch'd from the field let me neuer wither: and vpon the vpper sprig, Hether: and vpon the lower, Thether.

One whose name was Tutchiner, gaue this Mot for his po­esie, Tuciner.

One Peter in a Christmas-time, at my L. Keepers had writ­ten vpon the back-side of a whole paire of Cards seuerall Poe­sies, to be drawn by the Christmasse-company and assembly there, and amongst others this was one,

One seeing his enemies Armes drawne vpon a wall with a coale, drew the like vnderneath, and in the first house drewe his said enemies chiefe coat, and all the rest of the escutchion he figured with twenty kinds of pots, cups, and drinking glasses, [Page 181] and wrote vnderneath thus: These my forefathers left me, and I wil encrease them.

A widow-Countesse vs'd to subscribe all her Letters thus; The dolefull Countesse N. Writing a letter to a plaine Bayliffe others in the country, she so subscrib'd it: & he in answer there­to subscrib'd his letter thus: Your dolefull seruant R.

One who had married a Gentlewoman far his better in de­gree and calling, wrot her a Letter, and subscrib'd it thus: Your worships base husband N.

A Noble-mans Secretarie in a letter which hee wrote for his Lord to an vpstart Gent. interlin'd therin this word Senior: The gallant was heerat in a pelting chafe, as supporting it done purposely to taunt his ignobility: Which the Noble-man vn­derstanding by the bearer, will'd his Secretary in his next letter to leaue out Senior for good & all, and to leaue a great blancke ouer the Letter, and asmuch margin on either side: The Secre­tarie did so: Then the Noble-man in a seuerall peece of paper, wrote with his owne hand this word Senior in faire large let­ters, and subscrib'd vnderneath it thus: I send you this worde ( Senior) written with mine own hand, as acknowledging you a verie Gent. and withall haue left you space ynough both in the front of my letter, as also in either Margin thereof to dispose it where you best please.

To a very old Gentlewoman, whose name was maistresse Touseners, one endorst his letter thus: To the worshipfull, &c. maistresse Thousand-yeers giue this.

A Suter wrote a whole Loue-letter to his maistresse word for word out of Amadis de Gaule: who when she had read it, & remembred from whence he had it, she deliuer'd it again to the bearer, saying: Friend, you mistake: This letter is to Maistresse Laureola.

A simple Scholler endorc'd his letter to his Father thus: To my very obedient good father, &c.

OF SIMILIES.

A Merrie Gent. seeing among a many faire yoong Ladies one olde withered Beldame, said: Loe, there a Deathes head at the end of a Rosary.

One beholding a house faire caru'd and wrought towarde the top, and rude and rough below, said it was like a womans smocke.

One that had but heer and there a scattred haire on his chin: an other sayd it was like a countrey-parish wasted with the plague.

One being ask'd why hee refus'd to answere one that had highly abus'd him in outragious tearmes: hee answered: I am like a deafe man in a Belfrie, that heares not the jangling of the Belles,

A poore Gent. made an old Seruiture of his, his horse-kee­per, and hauing but one horse in all the world, it was noted that when he rode abroad, his man staid at home, & when his man rode foorth, then hee staid at home: Whereupon one merrily compar'd them to Castor and Pollux, two starres in the Firma­ment, wherof the one appearing in the euening, assoone as euer the other begins to shew, straight peepes in his head, and vanisheth out of sight.

A Gentlewoman in a solemne festiuity danced with a yong Gallant a most lofty Lauolta: and a Noble-man there present, sayd, she resembled the crowne of a good felt hat, soone down, soone vp

Of a Gentlewoman that had a bad face and a good waste, an other said, that the circumstance was better then the sinne.

An old Marchant had hanging at his girdle a pouch, a spe­ctacle-case, a punniard, a pen and inck-horne, and a hand-kert­cher, with many other trinkets besides: which a merie compa­nion seing, said: it was like a Haberdashers shop of smal wares. A man & his wife were chiding together, & in came a friend of [Page 183] theirs, and besought them to forbeare one an other, and agree as became man and wife: Wherunto he answered: Know yee that my wife and I are like a paire of cardes still in shuffle with one an other all day long, and at night in a lump together like good friendes.

One seeing a many [...]ubs in the street, some vp, some downe, said, they were like Chanons singing Glorie be to the Father &c.

One seing a Gentlewoman whose face was pure red and white, said it was like a shoulder of Mutton new cut off from the breast.

A Gent. gaue a Gentlewoman a fine twisted bracelet of silke and golde, and seeing it the next day vpon another Gentle­womans wrest, sayd: it was like a Barbers girdle soon slipt from one side to another.

A Noble-man comming into a Gent. house, & being shew'd all the rooms therin, which he saw were many & small, he said: they were like Lenten dishes.

One seeing a many Seruing-men wayting on their Mai­ster, their cloathes al too big for them, and flagging vnhansom­lie about them, said, they were like so many rotten egges.

One seeing in a Noble-mans hall a many Marble-Nymphs, euery one holding before them a broad Escutcheon, said, they were like so many Millers displaying their sayles.

One hearing a bagpipe sownd yll-fauouredly, said, it was like the noise of a Cat, whiles her taile is a cutting off.

One seeing an other thrust out his head as though he stood harkening to somewhat, said, it was like the head of a Gittern.

OF MONVMENTS.

AT Lisborn in the stewards study of the Orphants hospital is painted in great Letters these words vpon the wall, Ante que des escriue, ante que firmes reciue: that is. Write before you pay, and receiue before you signe.

[Page 184]A Gent. passing by the Shambles, a Butcher ask'd him what those Letters might signifie which were ingrauen ouer their Shambles-doore, viz. K.F.T.S. He answered, K. Know yee. F. For very truth, T. That whosoeuer giues bad waight, S. Shall be whipt at a cartes tayle.

Charles the seuenth French King vewing the tombe of Iohn Earle of Bedford in our Ladies Church at Roane, a zealous Gal­lant of his traine thinking to doe a high scorne to English val­lour, and please the King with such his French folly, spurn'd the Monument with his foote, and mumbled out withall tearmes of disgrace against the Ghost of that victorious Earle: Which the King seeing, and disliking, said: Oh (Foole) scorne wee not him dead, whom aliue we dreaded.

A great Ladie in this land walking with a merrie Gent. in a Gallerie, where were a many faire Anticke monuments both in picture and Alablaster: amongst the rest shee spy'd a Mar­ble Statue of a Syluan-God all in his nakednes, and with verie bountifull perpendiculars hanging downe below his bellie be­fore: Viewing it a good space, in the end shee ask'd the Gent. what it was like, he answered: It is one of the sixe Clearks: One of the sixe Clearks? (quoth she) how so I pray ye? Hee reply'd: Why? see you not (Madam) his huge Pen and inck-horne?

OF DRVNKARDS,

A Gent. man was a great Drunkard, and falling off a ladder, broke his nose so as he was faine to weare a plaister theron so g [...]eat, as couered his nose all ouer: which his master seeing, ask'd him how it cam so to passe: One of his fellowes thē standing by, answered: And like your wor­ship he is faine to case his nose (as you see) for feare to run it a­gainst Tauernes.

A Flemming had drunke fiue quartes of wine all alone in a Tauerne, and there lay snorting vnder the boord: At last hee awaked and was sober, and the Drawer ask'd him money for sixe quartes: he answered: Why (man) that cannot be, for my bellie neuer holds aboue 5. quartes at a time: Yes, (answered the Drawer) the wine being passing good, one quart fum'd vp in­to your head, and then the other fiue in your bellie make sixe, so is there sixe quartes. You haue reason (said the Fleming) and so paid him for sixe quarts.

On Palm-sunday a great Drunkard carried a Palm-bough in Procession, and one seeing it, said vnto him: A house so wel knowne needs nere a bush.

A Physition reprehended one for drinking wine so migh­tilie in time of the plague: who answered: I doe it to the end the plague may take me for a tub, and so ouer-passe mee.

A great Drunkard lying sick of a burning Feuer, said vnto his Physition. I wold haue you cure my heat, but not my thirst

A Doctor of physick aduis'd a great Drunkard that had but one eie to beware of wine, least he lost the other: hee answered: Nay: Better destroy a window then the whole house.

[Page 186]One aduis'd a great Drunkard still to mingle water with his wine, hee answered: If that were good, God would haue [...]one it in the grape.

A rich Drunkard misus'd a poore man in tearmes, and the poore man being big & grosse, said vnto him: Sir, if you please not to forbeare me for my own sake, yet (I beseech you) forbear me, because I am like a Tub.

A Drunkard that had scarse ere a good tooth in his head, one thus bejested him, saying, that the continuall water-course had quite borne away his quearnes.

Because King Philip is the noblest Dutch-bloud at this day in al the world, and a Duch-man the greatest Drunkard: Ther­fore a Spaniard dispraising one for drunkennesse, said: Thou are euen as errand a Drunkard as King Philip.

A Drunkard passing ouer a bridge, his eies so gla [...]'d, that he thought they were two bridges: and stepping vpon the wrong bridge downe hee tumbled into the brooke: where drinking his bellie full of water, he continued, saying: No more nowe (Hostesse) no more now.

A merrie Officer of London passing by an Alehouse, where he saw a couple of good fellowes a drinking, stept in vnto them, and ask'd them who they were: They answered: Clearke of S. Magnes, and Sexten of Boe: He then adjoyn'd: And I Recorder of London: Hey (hostesse) fill in my pot too.

In a countrey-parish an Ale-house stood close by the church porch, & the Vicar saying seruice vpon a time, ouer-heard cer­taine good fellowes a quaffing and carrolling in the saide Ale­house: Wherupon he fell from his function, and said: Sirs, it is no reason that yonder fellowes should partake of our prayers, & we not taste of their Ale: And with that he shut vp his book and to the Ale-house he went, and all the parish after him.

One put a frogge into a Duch-mans pot, and hee drinking swallow'd it clean downe: Being ask'd whether he felt not any thing in his draught, he answered: No, nothing but a litle mo [...]e

OF NOSES.

ONe had a Nose like a bunch of grapes, and passing along the street, two women met him and seeing such a nose, stood still a while, and gazed therupon: He asking them why they stood still and went not about their busines, they an­swered: because your nose stands in our way: With that hee wry'd his nose aside with his finger, and sayd: On (ye whoores) for (loe) now way is made yee.

One that had a huge nose hearing an other say that in Ger­many, theeues are punished with diminution of their noses, said: Then will I goe into Germanie, and commit some halfe dozen robberies there, and so returne home again both rich and with a better nose.

One was a saying that he greatly marueill'd at Iohn a Nokes his great nose: An other answered: Say not so, but thus: that you greatly marueill at Iohn of Noses: for in saying so, you giuethe lesse to the greater, if otherwise, the greater to the lesse, wich is improper.

One that had a mighty nose, and a very thin beard, an other commented therupon, saying, that the shadow of his nose hin­dred the growth of his beard, as doth the shadow of the Dock the growing vp of the Nettle.

In Spain it is a law, all swords & Rapiers to be of one length: A huge nos'd Constable tooke one with a Rapier aboue that skantling, and tooke it from him, and caus'd it to bee cut shor­ter, and then deliuer'd it him again, saying: Know ye now from henceforth, that the law allowes all too-much to be diminished: Th'other answered: Diminish then your nose.

A mightie-nos'd Courtier hauing retir'd himselfe for a time into the country, ask'd a friend of his that came from the court, what newes was saide of him there, hee answered: Your Nose.

[Page 188]One seeing a great Drunkard with a huge nose all to bese [...] with pimples blue and red, said, it was the soule of the wine as­cended into the region of his nose, and those pimples the Me­teors that redounded thereof.

Sir Thomas Moores Lady was very curious and neat in her attire, and going one day to Church, she bid her Gentlewoman look whether her gown-pleates stood euen behind, and whe­ther all were well and tight about her: Sir Thomas himselfe then standing by, and noting her curiositie, and withal her wry nose said: Faith (wife) there is yet one fault more then your maid sees neither do I well see how it can be holpen. She being then ve­rie earnest with her Gentlewoman to find it out, and halfe out of patience that shee was so long a looking it, at last ask'd Sir Thomas what fault it was: he merrily answered: Your nose.

OF BREATH.

A Great tosted cheese-eater had baited his trap with cheese, and another seeing it, said vnto him: What need you bait your Trap with cheese? doe you but sleepe with your mouth wide open a nights, and all the Mise in the chamber will enter therinto.

One asking a Cony-catchers man, how it chanced his breth stunk so fore: he answered: With keeping my masters counsel.

OF FACE AND SKARRES.

A Gent. not the best fauour'd, came early in a cold winters morning to visit a Gentlewoman, and by reason the frost had sore nipt his nose, and somewhat bluly di [...]figur'd it, shee said vnto him: Lord (maister N.) how ill-fauor'dly you looke this morning: he answered: Faith, neither of vs both look very well when we are at the best.

One that with ouermuch fasting & austere life, had wrought [Page 189] himselfe exceeding pale and leane in the cheekes: Another see­ing him, said: Lord, how yonder poore soule hath terrefi'd himselfe with fasting.

One disprais'd vnto his friend a certaine Gentlewomans hard fauor, & said; If you saw her by day, you would loath her by night.

A Gent. entring into a prison to visite a friend of his, the porter (who had a great skarre in his face) demaunded his wea­pon: The Gent. gaue it him, and noting his skarre, said: Holde here (friend) and see thou make much of it, for (I assure thee) it is not it that did thee that disgrace, pointing to his face.

A Gent. hauing a quarrell with a neighbour of his, sent vp and down the country for hackstars, & good fellowes: Among others, two that had vglie great skarres in their faces proffered him their seruice, which he refused, saying: Bring me them that gaue you those skarres.

A maid accus'd a sterne-fac'd fellow before a Iustice, affir­ming that he had rauish'd her, and the Iustice asking him, whe­ther it were tru [...], hee answered: Your Worship sees my face, other force I offred her none.

A Gent. saying to a foule-fac'd fellowe: How like you yon­der maid? He seeing her yll-fauor'd, answered: Like mee.

OF BEARD.

ONe that had a bush-beard, and vs'd euermore to sweare thereby an other said vnto him: Keeping no Ale-house what need you sweare so by your bush?

A Iudge condemn'd a red bearded-fellow to be whipt at a cartes-taile: and it was afterward euident that hee was inno­cent of the fact: The Iudge being told asmuch, answered: Yet is he justly whipt for hauing a red beard.

OF BLINDNES.

A Poor mans eie was strooken out with a stone, & it hong only by a little string: Going presently to a Surgion to haue it put in againe, hee whiles the Surgion was busie about his preparatiues and trinkets, said vnto him: How think you (I pray) shall I loose my eye? No (answered the Surgion) for (behold) I haue it heer in my hand.

A Gentlewoman who was blind of one eie, her rude hus­band call'd her euermore both in mirth and anger, blind Bus­sard: Certaine strangers being at dinner with him on a time, a Gentleman of the company was also blinde of one eie, and he then calling his wife blind Bussard, adjoyn'd afterwardes to please the Gent. Sir, I meane not you, I meane the blind Bus­sard my wife.

One endorc'd his letter to a blind-man thus:

this bee deliuered.

A Schoole-maister raising vp his Schollers early in a mor­ning, sayd vnto them: I hauing but one eie, can see to rise at breake a day, and you with each of you two eies, can scarse see day at noone.

A sand-blind Gallant praising himselfe to himselfe, and say­ing: Faith (N.) thou hast a comelie personage, a passing faire wife, and the world at will, what wilt thou more? A wagge behind a door ouerhearing him, answered: Out with those eies.

A one-ey'd Iudge being partiall for the Plaintiffe, threate­ned the defendant that vnlesse he held his peace, he would com­mit him. The Defendant then casting his eye aside vnto the companie, said: Sirres, beare witnesse what an vntoward eye he castes vpon mee: I feare mee, he will adjudge me blind anon.

A blind-man married a faire wife: and on the marriage-day bee all to imbrac'd and kist her before all the companie: Shee [Page 193] in modestie requested him to forbeare till night: hee answered: Nay (Mouse) all is night with mee.

A one-ey'd Gent. seru'd a verie browne Maistresse, who on a time being sullenly dispos'd, sore beflouted such his eyes de­fect: and hee in reference to her swart complexion, answered: I pray, be not you like the Sable-Crowe, that still peckes at the eye. Take it interrogatiuely, and it sounds better.

A Country-man that had but one eye came to the Corne-market to buy wheate, and resting there against a poste with a great sacke on his shoulder: by chance an acquaintance of his came by, and seeing him, ask'd what price corne bare: hee an­swered: Mee thinks they hold the bushell as deere as a mans eie: wherunto th'other reply'd: What make you heere then with so great a sack, seeing you are able to buy but one bushell?

A Captaine that had but one eye, saying vnto the Mar­ques of Pescara: My Lord, it is now late within night: I pray giue mee leaue to goe sleepe an houre: The Marques in re­ference that hee wanted an eye, answered: You haue slept one halfe already.

A Seruing-man hauing but one eie, came into a Fence-Schoole, and play'd with an other at fence, & it was his chance to haue th'other eie strooken out too: Hee then seeing himselfe all in dark, layd downe the foyles, and sayd vnto the company: My masters, God giue you all good night.

One that had but one eye, saying to an other: How say ye? will you play with me for an e [...]e? th'other answered? I, but how will you see to play and stake too?

OF TALNES.

TWo sisters being in place together wherof the yoonger was tall and a maide, and th'other a wife and great with child, a Gent. in the companie said vnto th'elder: How chanceth it your yoonger sister out-groweth you in height? She answered: Because I outgrow her in thicknes.

[Page 192]One seeing a little man and a tall man walke together, said: Loe yonder high Almaine and lowe Almaine.

A verie little Gent. riding on the way, out-rid his men a prettie way before: They meeting with a Traueiler, ask'd him whether hee met not such a Gent. before: he answered: Not a­nie, only I met some halfe mile hence a horse that carried a hat vpon the saddle-pummell, and a boot hanging downe on ey­ther side.

A little Courtierran best at tilt before the Emperor Charles and the wags of the Cou [...]t said, that the paltry Ape did best.

A verie litle man talking with a monstrous Lunges, stept to a ladder by, and tooke it, and rested it against his shoulder, & began to clime vp therupon: The Lunges marueilling thereat, ask'd him what (a Gods name) he ayl'd: he answered: Marie, to of th'end you may heare mee.

One seeing a scab vpon a litle Dandeprats hand, said: Now see I that I neuer saw, a scab vpon a hand-worme.

One seeing a dwarfe in the street of 44. yeares old, said: If he be as long a going from a man, as he is growing to a man, out doubt the Ape will neuer die.

OF FAT AND GROSSE.

ONe Hoops was apprehended vpon suspition of Fellonie, & two very big men came to bayle him: The Iustice be­ing thick of hearing, ask'd a Sarjeant by what they said, who answered: Marie, (sir) these Tubbes are come for Hoopes.

A big Iustice going in Circuit, a plaine country-man came to him and said. I humblie beseech your Highnesse to doe mee justice: hee answered: Thou hadst said better, My Bignesse to doe thee justice.

A Gent. was manning a fat faire Gentlewoman ouer a field, & being wearie he whispered to a friend of his, saying: How might I do to rest my selfe? he answered: Lie down vpon your packe.

[Page 193]One proffered his friend his big and fat daughter in marri­age, and withall a very rich portion. The other gaue him harty thanks therfore, and said: One quarter of her will serue my turn well'ynough: wherefore you may doe well to seeke her out some other husbands for the rest.

One ask'd an aged fat man how it chanc'd, that being of those yeeres, he continued so fat withall, hee answered: Neuer was I yet a husband nor a seruant.

A fat grosse man challenged a leane man to run with him for a wager, (condition) hee to haue asmuch waight laid vpon him, as might counteruaile his waight. The leane man answe­red: It were better your corpulence were equalled with my leannesse.

A Gentlewoman commending a Gent. to his face, and say­ing, that he was a goodly big man: he answered: Al that is great is not good, but all that is good, is great.

One seeing a big fat Gent. and a leane Gent. standing toge­ther, said: Loe yonder, Shroue-tide and Lent.

OF LEANNES.

A Gent. taxed a Gentlewoman of ouer-much leannesse, & shee answered: Small and delicate is the needle at the end of a Goad, that prickes the Oxe forward.

Of a very leane Gentlewoman that had no more breastes then a boord, one said, that shee was like a Hen robb'd of all her garbadge.

One seeing a grosse man and a lean man standing together, sware, that he neuer in all his life saw a Lute and a Gitterne bet­ter consorted.

Vpon the Tombe of a verie leane Lady this Epitaph was engrauen:

A leane Gentlewoman whose seruants name was Ouncebred, [Page 194] one thus bejested her to her face: It seemes (quoth he) you eate [...]ot aboue an ounce of bread at a meale.

OF CROOKEDNES AND Lamenesse.

THe Duke of Medina Celi hauing a crook'd back-Ladie to his wife, ask'd his Iester on a time, what hee thought of his stately new hall at Madredejos: The Vice answered: A stately hall indeed (my L.) and a tall, yet can not my Lady, your Lady stand vpright therein.

One that was a litle crooked fellow and verie craftie with­all: an other compar'd him to the common law.

One saying to a crook-back'd person that it was a great de­fault to be crook-back'd: hee answered: Rather is it an ouer-plus

A crook-back'd Plaintiffe besought a Iudge to doe him right, and the Iudge answered: Well may I heare you, but right I can not doe ye.

A blind man of one eye met his bunch-back'd neighbour earlie in a morning, and said vnto him: Good morrow (neigh­bour) what? your burthen on your backe so rare in a morning? The bunch-backe answered: If it be morning (as you say) how chances it you haue but one window yet open?

Some bodie hauing stolne away a stump'd-footed fellowes shooes: hee sayd: Now, I pray God who euer hath them, well may they fit him.

One seeing a very mishapen and crooked person in the street said, that he had a Camell to his Nurse.

A Gent. seeing a monstrous yll-fauor'd & crooked woman in the street, sayd to his companion: See yonder: The more a man can find in his heart to hate her, the better may hee loue the deuill.

A Captaine dispatching a lame souldiour out of his bande, the souldiour mal-content said vnto him: The warres need no men that can run away, but such as can bide by it.

[Page 195]One condoling his friend for hauing married a lame wife: the other answered: Why man, I mean not to lead her foorth a hunting.

One quarrelling with a lame man, threatned that he wold make him set his foote straight ere he had done: The lame man answered: In so doing I will accompt you my friend.

OF CHILDREN.

ONe said to a little child whose father died that morning, and was layd out in a coffin in the Kitchin, Alas my pre­tie child, thy father is now in heauē: the child answered: Nay, that is he not: for he is yet in the Kitchin.

The Earle of Aymonte vs'd to say, that he is luckilie vnlucky that hath no children.

One who had 8. daughters, his wife was brought a bed of a ninth and so soone as it was christened, it died: He seeming to take it verie heauilie, a friend of his came to comfort him, and said: Hauing so manie faire daughters besides, what neede you lament so grieuouslie for the losse of one? He answered: Oh giue mee leaue, for this was truly a good one.

One vs'd to say that the benefit of children is, that now and then they tattle somewhat which delightes the father, where­by they partly mittigate his misery at their mothers hands.

A Gent. walking without his gate, saw certain wagges tot­tring vpon a cart, and all too brake it, and hee sore rated them therefore: In the meane time came by a neighbour of his, who ought this carte, and the Gentleman asking him whether hee went, hee answered: To seeke out a Herod to auenge mee of these boyes.

A Physition discharged a Caliuer at an old Physicke book which was left him by his Grandfather, and it was his hap to shoot it cleane through: which his little child standing by, and seing, said: I warrant you (father) my grandfather neuer courst it through halfe so soone.

[Page 196]The father forgot to giue his little childe meate at dinner: Wherupon the child pray'd him to giue him some salt: Salte said the Father) and wherfore salte (my boy?) Marie father (he (answered) for the meat you are to giue mee.

One whose name was Blackmere was a very foule blacke­man, and hee had a verie faire child: Wherupon a friend of his meeting him in a morning with his sayd little one in his armes, said vnto him: Why how now? what? a Blacke a Moore tur­ned to white?

A Schoole-maister whose name was Salter read Terence to his Schollers in a country-parish: A goodman & his wife were at ods about their pottage at dinner time, he finding fault that they were too salt, and shee affirming that they were too fresh: At last the goodman said to his little boy, there at dinner with them: Tell mee ( Iacke) how saist thou? are these pottage fresh or salte? The boy answered: They may very well read Terence (Father.)

A Passenger returning backe by a blind Ale-house, where he had laine thatday seuen-night afore, desir'd his Host to boile him a joint of powder'd Veale, such as hee prouided him the time before, saying, it was the best meat that euer hee eate. You shall sir (answered the Hoste) and so departed: With that a little child of his standing by, sayd vnto the Passenger: If my Father shuld loose a horse euery week, it would be dear Veale to him.

A Physitions child was sicke of a burning feuer, and he for­bad his folke in any case to giue him water to drink: The childe hearing such his fathers encharge, within a while after call'd for a little holy-water to drink, which they telling maister Do­ctor of, hee then sayd: What (a deu'll) doth the Ape call for wa­ter from heauen? Nay, then let him haue it, or any other water besides.

One that took vpon him much gentrie, and was no Gent. his litle sonnes were a tumbling in a heap of straw in the street, which a Gent. (a neighbour of his) seeing out at his windowe, [Page 197] [...]aid vnto his wife: T'were a good deed yonder gallowses were whipp'd, see how they tumble and bedust themselues in the stravv: shee answered: No, let the [...] alone, for it faire betokens their Gentrie.

The Countesse of Beneuente aduis'd a Gentlewoman her neighbour, not to dote too dearly vpon her little Babe, least the losse of it should grieue her all too neerly.

OF AGE.

ONe that had a white head & a black beard, an other ask'd him how it came so to passe: hee answered: Marie, the haire of my head is twenty yeeres older then my beard.

A Noble-man had attain'd to 86. yeares of age, and neuer in all his life had taken physick: at last he sickned verie grieuously; and at the earnest instants of his friendes condiscended to take physick: Then came the Pothecarie to him three or foure daies together with preparatiue sirrops and potions; all which he re­ceiued, and bid his man after the Pothecary was gone, to put it al together into a close stoole. At last came maister Doctor him selfe to visit him, & viewing what filthy stuffe was in the close stoole, hee sayd: Sir, you are a happy man to be rid of these bad humours in your bodie: see heer the benefit of Phisicke, and your life preseru'd: The Noble-man answered: Gramercie close stoole.

One ask'd an old man how long he had liued: he answered: A while, but a great manie yeeres.

One vs'd to say, that a man being once arriued to 50. ought rather bethinke himselfe to receiue death well, then to enlarge his life longer.

One meeting an old man all trembling on his staffe, said vn­to him: The house that is once come to a prop, is neer falling.

One being demaunded what was an olde mans greatest dif­ficultie, hee answered: To affoord rewards.

[Page 198]One vs'd to say, that an olde man to cheere himselfe dain­tily, is to make his death more bitter.

One woonted to say, that of all auarice th'olde mans is worst, considering that to hoord vp treasure in the age of death when a man is not likely to liue to spend it, is extreame follie.

An old Gent. woonted to say, that three thinges were in­creast vnto him by old age: viz. To see more, to doe more, and command more: To see more, by reason hee was faine to vse spectacles to make his letters seeme the greater: To doe more, in that alighting off his horse, he was readie to draw the sadle after him: To command more, for that he was faine to speake twentie times, before ere he could get his men to stirre.

An olde Gentlewoman going to the house of office, espy'd a looking glasse that lay there vpon a shelf: Taking it, and view­ing her selfe therin, and seeing how wrinkled and ylfauor'd she was, she threw it downe againe, saying: Fie on thee false and yl­fauor'd glasse: euen for being such, it is meet thou lie in such an obscure place as this.

An old man viewing himselfe in a looking-glasse all wrin­kled and hoarie, his eies deep sunke into his head, & his cheeks also for want of teeth, said: Lord, to see the differēce of looking glasses: I remēber when I was a yoong man, I took pleasure to view my self in a glasse, so wel mettled were they in those daies

An old Noble-man lay in the same chamber in a seueral bed from his Lady, and rising one night to put himself vnto her, he chanced to stumble his nose against the bed-sted: wherwith she awaking, and saying: Who is there? he answered: Somewhat it was (Ladie) was comming towards you, but now it is downe againe.

A verie olde Gentleman making loue to a gallant yoong Dame: shee said vnto him: What meane you (sir) to talke to me of such matter at Complyne time?

A yoong Gentlewoman had bestowed her selfe vpon an olde Knight whose name was Steuen Templer: wherupon one [Page 199] merrily said, that she had buried her selfe quick in the Tomb of an old Knight of the Temple.

An olde Gentlemans yoong corriuall in loue meeting him in a morning said vnto him: Olde sir, sweet Loue beseemes not your yeeres: hee answered: If you meane it by mee, knowe ye that in my country a man of fiftie years is accompted yoonger then an Asse of 15.

OF GARRVLITY.

A Talkatiue Gentlewoman had lost most ofher teeth, and asking a Physition the cause of it, shee being both yoong and healthy, he answered: Your tongue beates too much against your teeth.

One that had a long skarre in his face, and was exceeding talkatiue, a friend of his said vnto him: Hauing the Reanes in your cheeke, mee thinkes you should haue the bridle in your mouth.

Vpon a passing talkatiue Gentlewomans tomb this Epitaph was engrauen.

Sir Thomas Moore hearing one tell a monstrous lie, sayd: I would not for any good heare him say his Creed, least it should seeme a lie.

OF DREAMES.

A Iester begg'd a garment of Don Alonso de Aguilar, and sayd Sir, I dream'd this last night that you gaue me that ga [...]ment vpon your backe, how like you my dream? he answered: Auaunt (drunken knaue) beleeue no dreames.

[Page 200] Iohn a Nokes had a chamber in Paules Church-yard in Lon­don, & being one night a sleep, he dream'd that an Angel came to him, and told him that Doomsday was at hand: and therfore will'd him in any case to haue a great care of his soule, and to doe all maner of good deeds in the meane time; affirming, that when hee should heare the Trumpet sound, hee was then foorthwith to repaire to the vale of Iosaphat to judgement. Af­ter this, as he dream'd that he was a doing all good deeds, giuing his Almes to this poore man and to that, & performing a great deale of Penance, in th'end he dream'd that he heard the trum­pet sound: and with that vp he started from out his bed, and running ouer-hastilie to the vale, his nose being foremost, chaun­ced against a poste, the which all to disfigur'd it: Such was his judgment.

One said to an other: I dream'd this other night that you kist my Labell: Th'other answered: Dreames goe by contraries: and therefore (belike) you must kisse mine.

OF SICKNES.

A Delicate Gent. finding himselfe somewhat distempered, sent his water to a Physition, who seeing it to bee verie good, and arguing perfect health, came anon after to vi­site the Gent. and ask'd him how he did: hee answered: Sicke: How feele you your stomacke? Well: How sleepe you? Well: Is it euen so? (then said the Doctor) Are you sicke with eating well and sleeping well? I'le giue you somewhat shall soone re­medy all that.

One asking a Physition whether such a one were not dan­gerous-sicke: he answered: No, not dangerous, but in danger.

A whole-man ask'd a sick-man in his fit, how hee did: hee answered: In respect of God, euen as you doe.

A rich Farmer bestow'd his daughter vpon an old, poore, and sickly Gent. and comming on a time to visit him sick a bed, [Page 201] he met his daughter at the chamber doore, and asking her how her husband did, she answered: Do as he do may for me (father:) You (for your part) to endow me with his blood, haue vndon my flesh.

A Gent. being extream sick, his kinsmen will'd him in any case to send for a Physition: he answered: No (I pray,) let me dy at leisure.

A man of worship was so sore diseas'd of the Gout that hee was faine to be caried vp & down in a chair, but at last through continuall hot bathes he recouered, and became a sound man a­gain: & walking one day abroad lusty & in good helth, a Iester saw him, & cri'd out aloud: Chaines, chaines, no more chaires.

A sick Gent. was forbidden to drink wine, & being extream hot and thirstie, he besought the Physitions to permit him one draught and no more: They through his much importunitie condiscended (condition) he to drinke a draught of water pre­sently after: So, off he drunk the wine: and then being afterward offered the water: he refus'd it, saying: Now am I not a thirst.

A Gent. being sicke of the dropsie, call'd for a draught of water: and his Physition will'd him in any case to forbear, affir­ming that he could not liue aboue two houres at the most: Oh (answered the Gent.) then wil I diue those two houres in water.

A Gentlewoman hauing surfetted of green fruit, the Phy­sition gaue her a vomit: and she in vomitting, cast vp also all the good meat she had eaten; which shee espying, sayd: Now is vertue punished with vice.

A sick old woman asking her Physition how hee thought she should die, he answered: Euen as a leafe that can no longer bide vpon the tree: She reply'd: What; like an Orange leafe (I pray?)

OF LITTLENES. This Chapter is misplaced with some of Talnesse from fol. 192.

A Channon of Toledo, who was a man of a very lowe and slender stature, scoffingly ask'd a poore Frier that had but one eie, what he vs'd to pray for at Gods hand, a [...]fir­ming that it were rightnecessarie he pray'd vnto him for ano­ther eye: Indeed sir (answered the Frier) I had need haue two eyes to discerne so pettie a goe by ground as you.

A little pretie souldiour dismounted his foe-man, and said: Now yeeld or die: Th'other looked round about him, and an­swered: I see not to whome.

A Iew sayd vnto a pettie Spaniard his familiar: In sooth you seem a little S. Iames. The Spaniard answered: Wert thou a Moore as thou art a Iew (by his woundes) I would cut of thy head for so saying.

One being ask'd why hee married so little a wife, he answe­red: Of euils, the least is best.

A little personage being to haue a case of debt adjudg'd a­gainst him, said vnto the plaintiffe at the barre: If you haue any such band of mine, let's heare how it goes: Then the band was read openlie in Court, and being to this effect, that hee bound himself both bodie & goods for the repay therof: he then sayd vnto the Judge: Your Honor sees that body I haue litle or none & as for my goods, let him take all he finds (a Gods name.)

A Gent. seeing an vnlawfull tall Gentlewoman passe along the street, ask'd her hindmost man her name: Who answered: maistresse Hoap: The Gent. reply'd: Ouer-large to be so called.

Of one that was a verie tall and a big man an other said, he was good to make a Porter, because if he should chance to find the doore shut belowe, hee might discharge his packe in at the garret window.

One seeing a tall Lunges and a litle man together, said, that [Page 203] it was like Paules steeple ouer S. Faithes Church.

A tall personable man offered to accompany a dwarfe in the street, saying, that the people would the lesse gaze and woonder at his miserable littlenesse: The Dwarfe answered: Rather will they woonder at my follie, to see me lead an Asse along by me, and not ride.

OF DEATH.

ONe said to an other who had a very narrow mouth: Que­stionles, whē you die, your soul wil fly out at your breech. A Gent. being ferried ouer a riuer by a couple of boyes, the boat leaked, and was in danger of drowning: The Gent. then seeing the daunger said vnto them: Good boyes, as ye are men row boyes.

It is an ancient custome in Spaine in fauour of life, that anie lewd woman whatsoeuer, being knowne for such, and beeing neither widow nor maide, may saue anie Batcheler from the Gallowes, offering to marrie him. It chanced that a yoong Gent▪ who had been prisoner vpon suspition of fellonie, was acquitted by the Iurie: And passing that euening vnder a Gentlewomans window, who was a loose maid of life: shee said vnto him: Lord (maister N.) it is a joy to see you at liberty: how (a Gods name) haue you escap'd the gallowes to day? He looking vp vnto her, answered: I needed not feare hanging, so long as you are aliue.

A Gent. lying very sick a bed, heard a passing bell ring out, and said vnto his Physition: Tell mee (maister Doctor) is yon­der musicke for my dauncing?

An old Gent. in his death-bed, ouerheard his wife praying at his beds feet, thus: Lord, I beseech thee, reuoke this doome of death from my deare husband, & let it light vpon me: Wher­unto hee answered: Gramercie (good wife) I for my part am content, if God bee agreed.

[Page]A Gent. lying sicke at a Manour-house of his call'd Ponde, would needs be remooued thence to another house which he had a foure or fiue miles off, and being ask'd why he so desir'd change: he answered: Because I list not die like a fish in a Pond.

A Spanish Earle was a great swearer, and hunting one day in a Forrest, and hauing lost his companie, ranging vp and downe in the darke, chaunced to fall horse and man into a ve­rie deep Mine-pit, where hee remained all that night, not for­getting in the meane time to bethink himselfe of a manie good thoughtes, and namely, among the rest he was right penitent of his sinne in swearing, vowing, that if it pleas'd God to deli­uer him out of that pickle, hee would neuer whiles hee liu'd sweare more. By chaunce his Spaniell being with him when hee fell, was so kind as he would not depart from the place, but there remained bawling and howling all the while, till at laste certaine passengers traueilling that way the next morning, and ouer-hearing the Dogs pitteous clamour, made to the place, and there looking downe into the pit, espy'd the Earle: and then with such tackles as they had about them drew him vp, and set him on firme ground. Then hee looking downe in­to the hole to see how deeplie he had fallen, and seeing it ve­rie deepe, rapt out a legion of huge oathes, saying: Gogges nownes and his passion, is this a fit place for a Noble-man to fall into.

A Gent. lying a dying, an olde woman came to visite him, and asking him before a great manie there present, whether he knew her or no: hee answered: Yes full well: an errand Baude thou art (so God shall helpe mee.) Then shee telling him that that was no meet time to slaunder his poor neighbour: hee re­ply'd: Yes, it is best telling a truth in the houre of death.

A Doctor being drawne along on a hurdle to execution, casting vp his eyes, and espying a multitude of people about him, sayd: Deus bone, quot Corui circae vnum Cadauer!

A rich Churle and a begger were buried at one time in the [Page 205] same Church-yard, and the belles rung out amaine for the mi­ser: Now, the Wisacre his sonne and Executor, to the ende the worlde might not thinke that all that ringing was for the begger, but for his father, hyr'd a Trumpetter to stand all the ringing-while in the Belfrie, and betweene euerie peale to sound his Trumpet, and proclaime aloud, and say: Sirres, this next peale is not for R. but for maister N. his father.

One telling a vertuous Gentlewoman that her picture was broken; shee answered: Then is it but the shaddow of a shadow gone.