A Kicksey Winsey: OR A Lerry Come-Twang:
Wherein Iohn Taylor hath Satyrically suited 800. of his bad debters, that will not pay him for his returne of his iourney from Scotland.
1. My thankes to those that haue paid.
YOur worthy Worthies, of that liberall Tribe,
Who freely gaue your words, or did subscribe:
And were not ich'd with the vaineglorious worme,
[Page]To write and lie, but promise and performe,
Black Swans of
Brittaine, I protest you arr,
And seeme (to me) each one a Blazing Starre;
For this inconstant Age so few affoords
Of men whose deedes do counterpoise their words,
That finding one, me thinkes I see a wonder,
More then Decembers fruit, or Winters Thunder.
Ingratitude, I hold a vice so vile,
That I could ne're endur't a breathing while,
And therefore, ere I'le proue a thanklesse Iade,
Time in his course shall runne quite retrograde;
Yea, euery thing shall hate his proper kinde,
Before I'le harbour an ingratefull minde:
And still I vow to quit you in some part,
With my best wishes, and a thankefull heart:
So much to you, my
Muse hath sung, or said
Whose louing bounties hath the Sculler paid.
2. Those that would pay if they could.
ANd as for you that would pay, if you could,
I thank you, though you do not as you should,
[Page]You promis'd faire, and wrote as free as any,
But Time hath altred since, the case with many;
Your moneies, like low Tides, are eb'd too low,
And when 'tis lowest, 'twill begin to flow.
To seek a breech frō breechlesse men, 'twere vaine,
And fruitlesse labour would requi
[...]e my paine:
It were no Charity (as I suppose)
To bid one wipe his nose, that wants a nose,
And sure my Conscience would be lesse then little,
T'enrich my selfe, by robbing of the Spittle,
No, honest friends (to end this vaine dispute)
Your barren states may spring, & bring forth fruite,
Your wills are good, and whilst I keepe your bills
In stead of paiment I accept good wills;
On hope and expectation I will feed,
And take your good endeauours for the deede,
Praying that Crosses in your mindes may cease,
And Crosses in your purses may increase.
3. Those that are hard for me to finde, and being found, were better lost.
ANother sort of debters are behinde,
Some I know not, and some I cannot finde:
And some of them lies here and there, by spirts
Shifting their lodgings oftner then their shirts.
Perchance I heare where one of these men lies,
And in the morning vp betimes I rise,
And finde in Shorditch where he lodg'd a night;
But he to
Westminster hath tane his flight.
Some two dayes after thither doe I trot,
And finde his lodging, but yet finde him not,
For he the night before (as people tell)
Hath tane a Chamber about
Clarken well.
Thither go I, and make a priuie search,
Whilst hee's in
Southwark, neer S.
George his Church,
A pox vpon him, all this while thinke I,
Shall I ne're finde out where my youth doth lie?
And hauing sought him many a weary bout,
At last perhaps I finde his Chamber out:
[Page]But thēn the Gentleman is fast in bed,
And rest hath seas'd vpon his running head;
He hath tooke cold with going late by Water,
Or sate vp late at Ace, Deuse, Trey, and Cater,
That with a Sink of 50. pieces price,
He sleepes till noone before his Worship rise.
At last he wakes; his man informes him straight,
That I at dore doe on his pleasure waite;
Perhaps I am requested to come neere
And drinke a cup of either ale or beere,
Whilst sucking English fire, and Indian vaper,
At last I greete him with my bill of paper:
Well
Iohn (quoth he) this hand I know is mine,
But I this day do purpose to go dine
At the Halfe Moone in
Milke-street, prethee come,
And there wee'le drink, and pay this petty Somme.
Thus many a street by me recrost, and crost
I in and out, and to, and fro, am tost.
And spend my time and coyne to finde one out,
Which hauing found, rewards me with a slout.
In this base fashion, or such like as this,
To me their scuruy dayly dealings is:
[Page]As on's in's study, t'others deepe in talke,
Another's in his Garden gone to walke;
On's in the barbers suddes, and cannot see,
Till chin and chaps are made a Roman T.
And for his making thus a Gull of of me,
I wish his cut may be the Greacian P.
These men can kisse their clawes, with
Iack how i'st,
And take and shake me kindly by the fist,
And put me off, with dilatory Coggs,
And sweare and lie, worse then so many dogs,
Protesting they are glad I am return'd,
When they'd be gladder I were hang'd or burn'd.
Some of their pockets are oft stor'd with chinke,
Which they had rather waste on Drabs, Dice, Drink,
Then a small pettie summe to me to pay,
Although I meete them euery other day;
For which to case my minde, to their disgrace,
I must (perforce) in Print proclaime them base:
And if they pay me not (vnto their shames)
I'le print their trades, their dwellings▪ & their names,
That boyes shall hisse them as they walke along,
Whilst they shal stink, & do their breeches wrong:
[Page]Pay then, delay not, but with speed disburse,
Or if you will, try but who'le haue the worse.
4. Those that will and doe dayly pay me in drinke and smoake.
A Fourth crew I must drop from out my quill,
Are some that haue not paid, yet say they wil:
And their remembrance giues my muddy mood,
More ioy then of those that will ne're be good.
These fellowes my sharpe
Muso shall lash but soft,
Because I meete them to their charges oft,
Where at the Tauerne (with free frollick hearts)
They welcome me with pottles, pints, and quarts;
And they (at times) will spend like honest men,
Twelue shillings, rather then pay fiue or ten.
These I do neuer seeke from place to place,
These make mee not to runne the wildgoose chase;
These do from day to day not put me off,
And in the end reward me with a scoffe.
And for their kindnesse, let them take their leasure,
To pay or not pay, let them vse their pleasure.
[Page]Let them no worser then they are, still proue
Their powrs may chance out-do me, not their loue;
I meete them to my perill, and their cost,
And so in time ther's little will be lost.
Yet the old prouerb I would haue them know,
The horse may starue the whilst the grasse doth grow.
5. Those that are dead.
A Fift sort (God be with them) they are dead,
And euery one my quittance vnder's head:
To aske them coyne, I know they haue it not,
And where nought is, there's nothing to be got.
I'le neuer wrong them with inuectiue lines,
Nor trouble their good heires, or their assignes.
And some of them, their liues losse to me were
In a large measure of true sorrow deere;
As one braue Lawyer, whose true honest spirit
Doth with the blest celestiall soules inherit.
He whose graue wisedome gain'd preheminence
To grace and fauour with his gracious Prince;
Adorn'd with learning, lou'd, approu'd, admir'de,
[Page]He, my true friend, too soon to dust retir'de.
Besides, a number of my worthy friends
(To my great losse) death brought vnto their ends.
Rest gentle spirits, rest, with Eternizing,
And may your corpes haue all a ioyfull rising:
There's many liuing, euery day I see,
Who are more dead then you in pay to me.
6. Those that are fled.
A Sixt, with tongs glib, like the tayles of eeles,
Hath shew'd this lād & me foule pairs of heels
To
Ireland, Belgia, Germany and
France,
They are retir'de to seeke some better chance.
T'was their vnhappy inauspicious Fate,
The Counters, or King
Luds vnlucky Gate;
Bonds being broke, the stones in euery street,
They durst not tread on, lest they burnt their feete:
Smoke by the pipe, and ginger by the race,
They lou'd with ale, but neuer lou'd the Mace.
And these mens honesties are like their states,
At piteous, wofull, and at low priz'd rates;
For partly they did know when they did take
[Page]My Bookes, they could no satisfaction make.
And honesty this document doth teach
That man shall neuer striue aboue his reach,
Yet haue they reacht, and ouerreacht me still,
To do themselues no good, and me much ill.
But farewell friends, if you againe do come,
And pay me either all, or none, or some:
I looke for none, and therefore still delay me,
You onely do deceiue me if you pay me.
Yet that deceit from you, were but my due;
But I looke ne're to be deceiu'd by you.
Your stockes are poore, your Creditors are store,
Which God increase, and decrease, I implore.
7. Those that are as farre from honesty as a Turke is from true Religion.
SEuenthly, and last's a worthy worthlesse crew,
Such as heau'n hates, & hell on earth doth spew;
And God renounce, & dam them, are their praiers,
Yet some of these sweete youths are good mens heires:
But vp most tēderly they haue bin brought
[Page]And all their breeding, better fed then taught:
And now their liues floate in damnations streame,
To Stab, drab, kil, swil, tear, swear, stare, blaspheme:
In imitation worse then diuels apes,
Or Incubusses thrust in humane shapes:
As bladders full of others wind is blowne,
So selfe conceit doth puffe them them of their owne:
They deeme their wit all other men surpasses,
And other men esteem them witlesse asses.
These puckfoyst Cockbrain'd coxcōbs, shallow pated,
Are things that by their taylors are created;
For they before were simple shapelesse wormes,
Vntill their makers lick'd them into formes.
T'is ignorant Idolatry most base,
To worship Sattin Sathan, or gold lace;
T'adore a veluet varlet, whose repute
Stinkes odious, but for his perfumed suite.
If one of these to serue some Lord doth get,
His first taske is, to sweare himselfe in debt:
And hauing pawn'd his soule to Hell for oathes,
He pawnes those othes for newfoūd fashiō clothes.
His carcasse cased in this borrowed case,
[Page]Imagines he doth me exceeding grace;
If when I meete him, he bestowes a nod,
Then must I thinke me highly blest of God.
And though no wiser then a foole he be,
A good luck on him, hee's too wise for me;
He with a courtly trick, or a flim flam,
Doth nod at me, whilst I the noddy am:
One part of Gentry he will ne're forget,
And that is, that he ne're will pay his dett.
To take, and to receiue, they hold it fit,
But to requite, or to restore's, no wit.
Then let them take and keepe, but knocks, and pox,
And all diseases from Pandora's box.
And which of them sayes that I raue or raile,
Let him but pay, and bid me kisse his T.
But sure the Diuell hath taught them many a trick,
Beyond the numbring of Arithmetick.
I meete one, thinking for my due to speake,
He with cuasions doth my purpose breake,
And askes what news I heare from
France or
Spaine,
[Page]Or where I was in the last shower of raine;
Or when the Court remooues, or what's a clock,
Or where's the wind (or some such windy mock)
With such fine scimble seemble, spitter spatter,
As puts me cleane besides the mony matter.
Thus with poore mungrell shifts, with what, where, when,
I am abused by these things, like men.
And some of them do glory in my want,
They being Romists, I a Protestant:
Their Apostaticall Iniunctions saith,
To keepe their faith with me, is breach of faith:
For 'tis a Maximm of such Catholicks,
Tis Meritorious to plague Hereticks;
Since it is so, pray pay me but my due,
And I will loue the Crosse as well as you.
And this much further I would haue you know,
My shame is more to aske, then yours to owe:
I begge of no man, 'tis mine owne I craue,
Nor do I seeke it but of them that haue:
There's no man was inforc'd against his will,
To giue his word, or signe vnto my bill.
And i'st not shame, nay more then shame to heare,
[Page]That I should be return'd aboue a yeare,
And many Rich men, words, and bills haue past,
And tooke of me both bookes, both first and last:
Whilst twice or thrice a weeke, in euery streete,
I meete those men, and not my mony meete.
Were they not able me amends to make,
My conscience then, would sooner giue then take;
But most of those I meane, are full purs'd hindes,
Being beggerly in nothing but their minds:
Yet sure me thinkes, if they would do me right,
Their minds should be as free to pay, as write.
Neer threescore poūds, the books I'm sure did cost,
Which they haue had from me, and I thinke lost:
And had not these mens tongues so forward bin,
Ere I my painfull iourney did beginne,
I could haue had good men in meaner Rayment,
That long ere this, had made me better payment:
I made my iourney for no other ends,
But to get mony, and to try my friends:
And not a friend I had, for worth, or wit
Did take my booke, or past his word, or writ:
But I (with thankefulnesse) still vnderstood
[Page]They tooke, in hope to giue, and do me good.
They took a book worth 12. pence, & were bound
To giue a Crowne, an Angell, or a pound.
A Noble peice, or halfe peice, what they list,
They past their words, or freely set their fist.
Thus got I sixteene hundred hands and fifty,
Which summe I did suppose was somewhat thristy;
And now my youths, with shifts, & tricks & cauils,
Aboue eight hundred, playes the sharking Iauils.
I haue performed what I vndertooke,
And that they should keepe touch with me I looke:
Foure thousand, and fiue hundred bookes I gaue
To many an honest man, and many a knaue;
Which bookes, and my expence to giue them out,
(A long yeere seeking this confused rout)
I'm, sure it cost me seuenscore pounds and more,
With some suspition that I went on score.
Besides, aboue a thousand miles I went,
And (though no mony) yet much time I spent;
Taking excessiue labour, and great paines,
In heat, cold, wet, and drie, with feete and braines:
With tedious toyle, making my heart strings ake,
[Page]In hope I should content, both giue and take▪
And in requitall now, for all my paine,
I giue content still, and get none againe.
None did I say? I'le call that word agen,
I meete with some that pay me now, and then,
But such a toyle I haue those men to seeke,
And finde (perhaps) 2, 3, or 4 a weeke,
That too too oft, my losing gettings be,
To spend 5. crownes in gathering in of three.
And thus much to the world I dare auow,
That my oft walkes to get my mony now,
With my expences, seeking of the same,
Returning many a night, home tir'd and lame,
Meeting some thirty, forty in a day,
That sees mee, knowes me, owes me, yet none pay.
Vs'd and abus'd thus, both in towne and Court,
It makes me thinke my Scottish walke a sport:
I muse of what stuffe these men framed be,
Most of them seeme Muckado vnto me:
Some are Standfurther off, for they endeauer,
Neuer to see me or to pay me neuer.
When first I saw them, they appeared Rash,
[Page]And now their promises are worse then trash;
No Taffaty more changeable then they,
In nothing constant, but no debts to pay.
And therefore let them take it as they will,
I'le canuase them a little with my quill.
To all the world I humbly do apeale,
And let it iudge, if well these men doe deale,
Or whether for their basenesse, 'twere not fitter,
That I should vse more gall, and write more bitter?
Indeed I wrote this for this onely end,
To warne them, and their faults to reprehend;
But if this warning will not serue the turne,
I sweare by sweete Satyrick
Nash his vrne,
On euery pissing post, their names I'le place,
Whilst they past shame, shall shame to shew their face,
I'le hale fell
Nemesis, from
Dis his den,
To ayde and guide my sharpe reuenging pen;
That fifty Popes Buls neuer shall roare lowder,
Nor fourscore Cannōs, whē men fire their powder.
There's no wound deeper then a pen can giue,
It makes men liuing dead, and dead men liue;
It can raise honour drowned in the sea,
[Page]And blaze it forth in glory, Cap a pea;
Why it can scale the battlements of heauen,
And stelli
[...]ie men 'mongst the Planets seauen:
It can make Mizers, peasants, knaues and fooles
The scorn of goodnesse, and the diuels close stooles.
Forgot had bin the thrice three worthies names,
If thrice three
Muses, had not writ their fames.
And if it not with flattry be infected,
Good is by it extold, and bad corrected.
Let Iudgement iudge thē, what mad men are those,
That dare against a pen themselues oppose,
Which (whē it likes) can turne them all to loathing.
To any thing, to nothing, worse then nothing.
Yet e're I went, these men to write did like,
And vs'd a pen more nimbly then a pike;
And writ their names (as I suppos'd) more willing,
Then valiant Souldiers with their Pikes are drilling.
No paper bill of mine had edge vpon it,
Till they their hands and names had written on it;
And if their iudgements be not ouer-seene,
They would not feare, the edge is not so keene.
Some thousands, and some hundreds by the yeare
[Page]Are worth, yet they their piece or halfe piece feare;
They on their owne bils are affraid to enter,
And I vpon their pieces dare to venter:
But who so at the bill hath better skill,
Giue me the piece, and let him take the bill.
I haue met some that odiously haue lied,
Who to deceiue me, haue their names denied;
And yet they haue good honest Christian names,
As
Ioshua, Richard, Robert, Iohn and
Iames:
To cheate me with base Inhumanity,
They haue denide their Christianity,
A halfe piece, or a Crowne, or such a somme,
Hath forc'd them falsifie their Christendom:
Denying good, ill names with them agree,
And they that haue ill names halfe hanged be,
And sure I thinke my losse would be but small,
If for a quittance they were hang'd vp all.
Of such I am past hope, and they past grace,
And hope and grace both pas
[...]s, a wretched case.
It may be that for my offences past,
God hath vpon me this disturbance cast:
If it be so, I thanke his Name therefore,
[Page]Confessing I deserue ten times much more;
But as the Diuell is author of all ill,
So ill for ill, on th'ill, he worketh still;
Himselfe, his seruants, dayly lye and lurk
Mans cares on earth, or paines in hell to work.
See how the case then with my debters stands,
They take the diuels office out on's hands;
Tormenting me on earth, for passed euils,
And for the diuell, doth vex me worse then diuels.
In troth 'tis pittie, proper men they seeme,
And those that know them not, would neuer deeme
That one of them would basely seeme to meddle,
To be the diuels hangman or his beadle.
For shame, for honesty, for both, for either,
For my deserts desertlesse, or for neither
Discharge your selues frō me, you know wherefore,
And neuer serue, or helpe the Diuell more.
I haue heard some that Lawyers do condem,
But I still must, and will speake well of them;
Though neuer in my life, they had of me
Clarkes, Counsellers, or yet Atturneys fee,
Yet at my backe returne, they all concurr'd
[Page]And payd me what was due, and ne're demurr'd.
Some Counter serieants, when I came agen,
(Against their natures) dealt like honest men.
By wondrous accident perchance one may
Grope out a needle in a loade of haye:
And though a white crow be exceeding rare,
A blind man may (by fortune) catch a Hare,
So may a serieant haue some honest tricks
If too much knauery doth not ouer-mix.
Newgate (the Vniuersity of stealing)
Did deale with me with vpright honest dealing.
My debters all (for ought that I can see)
Will still remaine true debters vnto me;
For if to paying once they should incline,
They would not then be debters long of mine,
But this reporte I feare, they still will haue,
To be true debters euen to their graue.
I know there's many worthy projects done,
The which more credit, and more coyne hath won,
And 'tis a shame for those (I dare maintaine)
That breake their words, & not requite their paine:
I speake to such, if any such their be,
[Page]If there be none, would there were none for me.
Thus all my debters haue increast my tallant,
Except the poore, the proud, the base, the Gallant.
Those that are dead, or fled, or out of Towne:
Such as I know not, nor to them am knowne,
Those that will pay (of which there's some smal nū ber,
And those that smile to put me to this cūber,
In all they are eight hundred, and some od,
But when they'le pay me's onely knowne to God.
Some crowns, some poūds, sōe nobles, some a roial;
Some good, some naught, some worse, most bad in triall.
I, like a boy, that shooting with a bow,
Hath lost his shaft where weedes and bushes grow;
Who hauing search'd, and rak'd, and scrap'd, & tost
To finde his arrow that he late hath lost:
At last a crotchet comes into his braine,
To stand at his first shooting place againe;
Then shootes, and lets another arrow flie
Neare as he thinkes his other shaft may lie:
Thus ventring, he perhaps findes both or one,
The worst is, if he lose both, he findes none.
So I that haue of bookes so many giuen,
[Page]To this compared Exigent am driuen:
To shoote this Pamphlet, and to ease my minde,
To lose more yet, or something lost to finde.
As many brooks, foords, showers of rain, & springs
Vnto the
Thames their often tribute brings,
These subiects paying, not their stocks decrease,
Yet by those payments,
Thames doth still increase:
So I that haue of debters such a swarme,
Good they might do me, and themselues no harme,
Inuectiue lines, or words, I write not say
To none but those that can, and will not pay:
And who so payes with good, or with ill will,
Is freed from out the compasse of my quill.
They must not take me for a Stupid asse,
That I (vnfeeling) will let these things passe.
If they beare minds to wrong me, let them know
I haue a tongue and
[...] my wrongs to show;
And be he ne're,
[...]
[...], or neate, or trim,
That bids a pissi for me, a
[...] for him;
To me they' are rotten trees, with beauteous rhinds
Fayre formed caskets of deformed minds.
Or like dispersed flocks of scattred sheepe,
[Page]That will no pasture, or decorum keepe:
Some wildely skipping into vnknowne grounds,
Stray into forreigne and forbidden bounds,
Where some throgh wāt, some throgh excesse haue got
The scab, the worme, the murraine, or the rot.
But whilst they wander guidelesse, vncontrolde,
I'le doe my best to bring them to my folde;
And seeing sheepefold hurdles heere are scant,
I am inforced to supply that want
With rayling; and therefore mine owne to win,
Like rotten forlorne sheepe, I'le raile them in.
FINIS.