VPon a time there was a Goldsmith, of y ^e Ci­tie of London, that had a faite maid to his daughter with whom Scoggin fell in loue, and did long time seeke to winne her to his pleasure, whom hee hunted in all places where shee went: not withstanding shée slatly denied him, which bred the greater fire to his beastly desire, and therefore in an euening as this maide went some two myle or, to a house that her Father had, Scoggin met her by the way attired in blew Sarcenet, set all ouer with little [Page] starres of golde hauing a lawne ouer his face, and with a counterfeit voyce shewed her that hee was some strange fortune teller: declaring vnto her that strange misery would shortly fal vpon the people of the Citie for their sinnes, with many other speeches touching the same purpose, and further willed her to shew it to the people that they might with fa­sting and prayer pacifie Gods anger, telling her withall how she had refused the loue and friendship of a good and vertuous man named Scoggin: who in the same place (a litle be­fore) made sute vnto her for that shée denyed him, and therefore if be sought any thing a [...] her hands hereafter, that she should obey him, and there should great happinesse follow her by it, and withall charging her that she should not discouer it to any creature liuing: the sim­ple wench beléeued all for truth, and deliuered it as a Prophesie to her acquaintance to fore warne them of that which should happen a­mongst them: for the which cause (many at the first feared much, and in the meane time this poore wench yéelded to his wantonnesse, which was shortly after spied by the wenches great belly, and the practise discouered, [...] which cause Scoggin was brought before the chiefe Magistrates, and according to the law [Page] was for euer banished the land, as he was wel worthie.

BEing thus banished England Scoggin cloathed himselfe like a Scholler, and crossed the Seas from Douer to Calis: whe­ther being come and lacking money: he laide a wager with one of the Burgomasters, that he would make an oration in the middle of the market place, which should make one halfe of his auditors to laugh, and the other halfe to weepe, for the which purpose and for the win­ning of his wager he put on a garment that was very short behind, without any briches at al, he entred vp to a high Scaffold wherein the middest of the audience, he did so vehe­mently set foorth the story of the wofull de­struction of Ierusalem, that the whole assist­ance wept teares at the pitifull remembrance of it, which Scoggin perceiued he then laid his hands a crosse and seeming to shew a great de­uotion he bowed his head so low, and lifted vp his taile so high, as he discouered his backe side, prouoking all those that sate behinde him to laughter, which was in my mind a pleasant part to win a drunken wager with all,

SCoggin trauelling further vp into the Countrey of France hée lodged in an old Abbey of Nuns, where there was one of them named Isabel who being a sweete smooth facst girle, had by chance a great griefe in her thigh, and was greatly troubled therewith for the space of fiue moneths (and in the end acknowleding her vnworthinesse to pray vnto God or to be heard of him,) she praied to S Dominick that he would be a me­diator betweene God and her, that she might recouer her health: after which the devotions, Scoggin perceiuing the matter how it went, apparelled himselfe like to S. Dominicke, and came to her in her sleepe, and with annoint­ment that he had be annointed her thigh, and made her whole▪ & when she asked the nanie of so pretious a remedy, hee answered that it was the ointment and balme of loue for the further iudgement thereof, I leaue it to the de­scription of the Reader whose conceite therein, I suppose will ioyne with mine.

WIthin a while after this: Scoggin came into Pickardie where liued a Knight of great liuings and had many good offices in the house, of which Scoggin had [Page] great desire to haue one, whereby he might the better maintaine himselfe: whereupon he oftentimes made great sute to the Steward and other chiefe officers in the knights house, and withall giuing them still some one present or other, desiring him euermore to remember him and they did answere him alwayes with one voyce, saying, stay awhile and thou shalt haue the first place that is voye. But stil when it came to the pinch, there was alwaies some excuse or other, either that the office was too great, or that it was too little, and he should haue a better, or that they were constrained to giue it to some of their brethrens kinsmen and without faile he should haue the next that did fall and with these words they kept Scog­gin still off, so that the time went away, and he serued in the Knights house without any reward: in the end Scoggin perceiued him­selfe neuer the nearer, nor one whit the better but that he lost his time, his mony & his paines determined to make no longer sute but studied how to flowt them for their vngratefulnesse: whereupon after this when he espied conueni­ent time, he came to the chiefest among them, and praied them one after another to dine with him the next Sunday following at a house of one of his friends, for he could doe no lesse then [Page] bestow a banquet of them in regard of their good wills towards him: They promised him one after an other to come together but yet fearing to haue a slender dinner of Scoggins prouision, giuing better credit to his wordes then his kitchin, each of them sent his seuerall dish of meate afore hand, the which Scoggin tooke and put all together in a great pot, but God knoweth in what order, for one had sent a Capon in stewd broth, another Chickens in white broth, another powdred Beefe and Lurnups, another a legge of Mutton and such like some sent their meate sodden and some ro­sted: when the steward and his fellowes came to dinner and saw this kinde of seruice, they had no stomackes to eate, but carried each man to so when their owne meat should come in. Scoggin went to and fro very busie, as one that was carefull to see them all serued, but at last one of them said, I pray thée Scoggin take away these porridge and giue vs the meat that we sent hither, why these are yours (quoth hee) ours said they? that they are not yes truly quoth he to one, here is your beefe & turnups, to another hee is your stewd broth, to another here is your white broth & so forth, now truly said they we were neuer thus vsed, now the diuel take all, for I thought this foole would [Page] mocke vs: now I pray thée quoth one, where didst thou learne to put our meat thus together for being by it selfe alone it had bene good, but mixed thus together it is quite spoyled & right naught: euen so (quoth Scoggin) are you my Maisters, for when you be each alone by your selues▪ there is nothing better then you are, for then you promise mountaines, but when you are together, you are naught like your pos­tage, and will performe nothing. They all perceiuing well what he ment, said vnto him, ha Scoggin, we know well to what end this thy doing was, thou hast good cause to be con­sidered: But in the meane time shall wée not dine? Yes that you shall said hée, better then you are worthy: then brought he them foorth other meate that he had prouided, and set be­fore them, wherewith they were all pleased: thus when they had well dined, they went away and concluded, from that time foorth that he should be made an officer in y ^e knights house, the which was done, for he was with­in few dayes made chiefe warrenner of all the Knights Parkes and Forrests: And thus his inuention and deuice of pottage did preuaile more then all his importunate suites before time.

THis Knight was a batcheler and deligh­ted much in Soggins merriments, for in his lodge he would alwayes keepe good cheare, as commonly most warriners doe and withall a cup of good wine, and now and then a prettie wench to pleasure the Knight his mai­ster, so vpon a time this youthfull knight sent him word that he would come the next day to supper to him in his lodge, but he would haue him to prouide nothing but light meates, be­cause he found himselfe not well at ease, Scog­gin sent him word that he should be verie wel­come, and by and by he prouided good store of calues skins, and sheepe skins, & put them all to boyle in a great pan minding therwith to feast the knight his master, when supper time came and his Maister set at table, at the first messe he set before him, these [...]odden calue skins: to whom the knight said: what meate is this thou bringest me? what doest thou meane thus to mocke me, Sir quoth Scoggin you sent mée word yesterday that I should prepare for your worship light meates, but when it came to the dressing they went al to the bottome of the pan vntil at the last I found these skins that swam [Page] aboue the water, and they are therefore the lightest meat that I could find qd. the knight thou wast neuer good in all thy life, nor neuer wilbe: well sirra for this knauish tricke I will teach thee with wham thou hast to iest: Scog­gin notwithstanding had prouided other kind of meat for his maisters supper the which hee caused to be brought forth and did so well vse the knight his maister, that he was theerewith well pleased, and forgaue Scoggin for this time and so departed after supper againe home to his owne house.

ANother time as the aforesaid K. had bin a hunting he grew belated, and because he would not ride home in the night he and al his traine intented to lodge in Scoggins house for that night: whereupon after the Knight had supped with that he found there made rea­die he withdrew himselfe to rest: but Scog­gin that knew his maisters complexion proui­ded him a tender pidgion to lye withal at night the Knight going to bed well pleased with this his diet, had Scoggin vse his men no worse then he vsed himselfe, and likewise (quoth he) let my Horses be as well vsed as [Page] myselfe too, for I doe put my trust in thee: Scoggin forgot not these wordes, but tooke his leaue of his maister till the next morning, and as he helped him to a bedfellow, so had he for each of his men a Gos [...]ip, that they might be vsed no worse then their Maister: and likewise sent straight vnto the next town, to borrow good store of Mares, and with­in a short time, he found enough to serue his turne, the which Mares he put amongst the Knights great horses which began to fling, kicke, and keepe a soule stir, insomuch that the Horsekeeper was faine to forsake his sweete heart. to appease the broyle betwixt the horses and Mares. The next day in the morning the Knight would needes know what ayled his Horses to keepe such a coyle in the night: The horsekeeper thought to haue excused the matter but could not: Sir quoth the Horse­keeper, the occasion was because Scoggin had put Mares to your stond Horses, whereupon the knight presently sent for him, and rebuked him with many reprochfull wordes, saying, wretch that thou art, wilt thou alwaies play the knaue with me in this manner? thou hast spoyled my horses and yet thou carest not: why (quoth Scoggin) said you not yesternight to me, that your horses should be as well vsed as [Page] your selfe: I haue done the best that I could doe to them, they haue had Day and Dates their belly full, and they haue had straw vpp [...] to the hard belly, so that they wanted but each of them their female which your worship had your selfe, and therefore I sought them the like in the next towne. Now a vengeance on thee thou vngratious varlet, said the Knight. doest thou tell me of such things, hold thy peace, we will reckon together, and then I will reward thee according to thy beings and so went his way for that time and left Scog­gin there deuising in his craftie mind, how to get his good will and fauour againe, but so it hapned that within two or thrée dayes vpon a further displeasure which Scoggin wrought by his too much rashnes, that hee was put out of seruices, and sent away to seeke himselfe a new Maister, thus you may see, how a man may loose that in an houre that was not got in a yeare.

AS Scoggin after this came into a country village, there came vnto him a certaine [Page] horsecourser that hired him to be his man, who said vnto Scoggin that he should liue merrily, and eate of the same meate and drinke that he himselfe and his wife did, and that he should doe all things with halfe the labour that other seruants did, so Scoggin was content to serue him: within a while after the Horsecourses wife dressed a couple of Chickens for her hus­bands dinner, and had Scoggin turne the spit, and so he did, but when the Chickens were inough he pulled one of them from the spit, and eate it vp without any bread: of which the good wife complained of to her husband, who presently came vnto his man Scoggin and said vnto him? Sirrah what is become of the other Chicken? marry quoth Scoggin I haue eaten it; for you said that I should eate and drinke of the same that you and your wife did: therefore I haue eaten one of them, and the other I leaue for you and your wife, for I was affraide, that you should haue offended God in breaking y ^e promise you promised me: wherefore I haue deuided them betwixt vs equally. Then said his Maister, sirra, I care not for the Chickens, but I would haue you please my wife and doe after her commaun­dement, marry so I wil quoth Scoggin, wher­vpon euer after this, when she had him doe [Page] anything he did but halfe, for when she had him fetch a bucket of Water, he went and brought it but halfe full of Water, and when he should bring two logs to the fire, he brought but one, and when he should giue the beasts two bottles of hay hee gaue them but one, and when he should fetch a pot full of beere he brought it but halfe full, and so he did of many other things more. Then complained shee againe to her husband of Scoggins knaueries, who came vnto him, and said, sirra I badde you should doe what shee commaunded you, Scoggin answered, I haue done as ye bad me, for you said to me when I was hired, that I should doe all things with halfe the labour that other seruants did: with that the horse­courer laughed, and then said his wife: If you keepe this vngratious knaue any longer. I will not tarry with you, but depart away: then he turned Scoggin out of his seruice for his wiues sake.

AT Easter following Scoggin came to the same Village againe, at which time the Parson of the towne (according to the order of the popish Clergie would néedes haue a stage play,) and as in that age the whole earth was almost planted with superstition & idolatry, so such like prophane pastimes was greatly de­lighted in, especially playes made of the Scrip­ture at an Easter, as I said before) the Parson of the Village would haue a play of the resur­rection of the Lord, and for because the men were not learned, nor could not reade, hee tooke a lemman that he kept (hauing but one eye) and put her in the graue of an Angell which when Scoggin saw, he went to two of the sim­plest fellowes in the towne, that plaid the thrée Maries: and the Parson himselfe, plaid Christ with a banner in his hand. Then said Scoggin to the simple fellowes when the An­gell asketh you whom you seeke? you must say the Parsons lemman with one eye, so it fortu­ned that the time was come that they must play. and the Angell asked them whom they sought? Marry quoth they, as Scoggin had [Page] taught them, wée seeke the Priestes lemman with one eye, which when the woman hearde, she arose out of the graue, and all to be scrat­ched one of the poore fellowes by the face that plaid one of the thrée Maries: Whereupon hee soundly buffeted her about the eares, the priest seeing this threw down his banner and went to helpe his lemman, with that the other two fell vpon the Priest, the clearke likewise tooke the priests part, and many other of the pari­shioners on ehe contrary side, so y ^t in short time the whole towne lay together by the eares in the middle of the Church, which when Scoggin perceiued he went his way out of the village and came no more there.

VPon a time when Scoggin lacked main­tenance and had gotten the displeasure of his former acquaintance by reason of his craf­ty deelings and vnhappy tricks▪ he bethought himselfe in what manner he might get money with a litle labour, so trauelling vp into Nor­mandie, he got him a Priestes gowne and clo­thed [Page] himselfe like a Scholler, and after went into a certaine Churchyard, where hee found the scull of a dead mans head, the which hee tooke vp and made very cleane, and after bore it to a Goldsmith, and hired him to set it in a stud of siluer, which being done, he departed to a village thereby, and came to the Parson of the Church, and saluted him, and then told him that he had a relique, and desired him that he would do so much for him, as to shew it vnto the Parish, that they may offer to it and withall promised the Parson that hee should haue the one halfe of the offeringes: The Parson moued with couetousnesse gran­ted his request, and so vppon the Sunday following told his Parishionars thereof, say­ing that there was a certaine religious schol­ler come to the towne that had brought with him a pretious relique: and hée that would offer thereunto, should haue a generall par­don, for all his forepassed sinnes and that the Schotler, was there present himselfe to shew it them: with that Scoggin went vp into the pulpit, and shewed the people the relique that he had, and said to them that the Head spake to him, and that it bad him that hée should build a Church ouer him, and that the [Page] mony that the church should be builded with­all should be well gotten: But when the peo­ple came to offer so it Scoggin said vnto them al you women that haue made your husbands cuckolds, I pray you sit still and come not teoffer, for the head had mee that I should not receiue your offerings, whereupon the poore men and their wiues came thicke & thréesould to this offering, and there was not a woman but she offered liberally, because that hee had said so, and he gaue them the blessing with the head: and there was some that had no money that offered their rings and some of them that offered twice or thrice because they would bee scene: Thus receiued he the offrings both of the good and the bad, and by this practise got a great summ of money: After this when they had all offred, and were departed home: Scog­gin went to the parson and deuided the offe­ring and gaue him a part thereof, where with the parson was well content: And the wo­men there about made very much of Scoggin and maintained him along time amongst them.

VPon a time after Scoggin was come vn­to Paris the chiefe citie in France, hée heard tell of a wine, drawer that was so prond and arrogant in all his doings that few men could endure his company, and it was repor­ted that there was no man that could deceiue him or ouerreach him by wit, wherupō Scogin thought in his minde how hée might deceiue him, & then he tooke 2. gallon bottles y ^e one ful of water, & the other quite empty, the bottle of water he hid vnder his cloake that no man saw it, and so went with y ^e empty bottle in his hand and gaue it the Vintner to fill with Wine, the which he did, and when it was full he brought it vp to Scoggin and gaue it him, and then in the meane time whilst the Vintner looked a­side, Scoggin tooke the bottle of water frō vn­der his cloake and put the wine in the place, and then asked the price of it. Marry quoth the vintner it comes to eightéene pence, then qd Scoggin it is too deare for mée, for I haue but twelue pence in my purse, and so gaue him againe the bottle of water in stéed of the wine, the which hée tooke all in anger and bore it [Page] downe againe into the seller, and powred out the water into the vessell which he thought to be Wine, and then came and gaue Scoggin the empty bottele saying: make you me to fill wine, and haue no money to pay for it, belike you thinke to make me a foole, no quoth Scog­gin you make a foole of your selfe, & with that word hee went away with the bottle of wine and drunk it merrily amongst his companions

SCoggin remaining stil in Paris, was gretly beloued for his subtill wit & crafty deceites by which meanes he got such fauour of an-In­kéeper there, that he had meat drink, & lodging a whole yeere vpon credit, at the yeares ende, the Inkeper demanded his money or a surety for the payment thereof, y ^e which Scoggin pro­mised to do, so gathering his wits together for the discharge of his debt, Scoggin goes vnto a certaine doctor of Phisick, & said vnto him good sir this it is, mine host where I lie, and haue this 12. month, was taken this night with an euill spirit, now I desire you if you can by phisicke to helpe him thereof, and you shalbe well rewarded maister doctor, that would by [Page] the helpe of God cure him therof, and that very shortly: but (quoth Scoggin) you must tary two or thrée daies before you take him in hand, for it may not be done in hast: therefore I wil goe fetch his wife, that shee may heare your pro­mise, so Scoggin departed home to his boast, and tolde him that hee had found a suretie for his debt, and it was maister Doctor Dole a neighbour of his, whereof the Innekeeper was ioyfull and sent his wife with Scoggin to wit­nes Master Doctors promise, and being both come to his house, Scoggin said vnto him, and please you M. Doctor heare is the mans wife that I told you of, I pray you say vnto her as you said vnto me, marry that I will qd. he, and helpe her husband too, but I pray you good wife (qd. the doctor) let your husband be content for at 3. dayes end ile come to him and performe your request in all things. Vpon this promise away, went the woman with a merry heart to her husband, and tould him that Ma­ster Doctor at three daies ende would fulfill your desire vpon this, the Innekeeper recko­ned with Scoggin, and so parted friendes. Now at the three dayes end hee sent his wife to the Doctor for this money, who came vnto him & asked him for the debt he had promised to [Page] pay for Scoggin. Why quoth the Doctor did your Husband bid you say these wordes to mee? he did (quoth shee) then said the Doctor, that is the false diuell within him that would haue the money: then said she what false Di­uell meane you? giue me my money: Then said the Doctor, it was tolde mee that your husband was possessed with a Diuell, goe, bring him to mee and by the Grace of God I will helpe him, whereupon the woman all in an anger hies her home, and tels her hus­band of the Doctors speeches, who sitting then by the fire side, where meate was roasting: in a furie vp he gets, and takes spit and toast, and all, & runs to the doctors house like a mad­man, thinking to runne him through. The Doctor seeing him, was afraid, and called to his neighbours to helpe him to take the man that was so beset with the diuell. The Inkee­per still cryed knaue giue me my money: the Doctor still answered, auoide sathan: the neigh­bours they can betwixt them, and kept the In­keeper from spitting the doctor. The subtilty of Scogin at last being brought to light, they held themselues satisfied, but as long as the Inkee­per liued hee asked still for his money, but the Doctor answered him still, that hee ought him nought, and naught hee would pay him, [Page] but alwaies said, if you be taken with a diuell, I shall helpe you therof, but neuer after loued they one another.

SCoggin trauelling betwéene Paris and Orleance in Fraunce he hapned to lodge in a countrey Inne where many Hollan­ders likewise lodged, & Scoggin brought with him two Egges which he roasted for to eate, for he was sickely and weary with tra­uell, and could eate no flesh, which when one of the Hollanders perceiued, he said vnto him is it euen to my friend, wil not your Hostesses meate serue you, but you must bring meate with you? and with those worde he tooke the Egges and roundly supped them vp, and when hee had so done, he gaue Scoggin the shels againe, saying, hold here is thy boxe, but the reliques be gon whereat all the rest of the guests laughed heartily: and so did Scog­gin himselfe, who in reuenge thereof, went presently into the next roome, and fetched a faire Apple and cut all the coate thereof, and put therein a strong purgation, and after roa­sted [Page] it in the fire, which being done, he cut in péeces vpon his frencher, and strewed it all o­uer with the powder of Ginger, and so setting it vpon the Table he went his way as though he would haue fetched more: but assoone as he had turned his backe, the Hollander tooke the Apple and eate it in as great haste as he did the Egges before, and by and by, he fill to par­braking, and cast vp all in his belly, and was so sicke thereof, that the host, and all his guests thought that he would haue died of the Apple. Then said Scoggin to the guests, be not afraid of him, for it is but a little purgation that I haue giuen him, and the roasted apple I see is an enemy to the Egges, and will not let them rest in his maw, but that they must néedes come out againe, whereat the guestes made good sport and laughed heartily, when the pur­gation had wrought what it would the Hol­lander amended, and after said to Scoggin, roast, eate what thou wilt, & for ile neue eate any more with thée againe.

THE heast of the aforesaid Inne was a merrie disposed mocking fellow, and in a vaine glorie still commended his owne bolonesse, but so it fortuned the same night whilest Scoggin remained there, there came riding late in the euening three Marchants of Paris to the said Inne, but because it was very late ere they came there, the hoast of the house angerly asked them where they had beene so late, for (quoth he) it is no time now to take vp your Inne. Then the Marchants answe­red, be not angry sir I pray you, for we haue beene hunted with a wilde Beare, and could not escape him till euen now. Then quoth the Innekeeper in mockage to them, what a shame Gentlemen is it for you three to bee hunted with one Beare: Now I tell you what, if there came tenne Beares to me (be­ing but one) in the field, I would haue slaike them euery one, and thus mocked hee the Marchants all supper while.

Scoggin sitting by the fire side, and hea­ring all this, after supper concluded with the [Page] Marchants, to ouer-reach the heast in his owne scoffes: whereupon Scoggin went into the towne and brought a Beares skin, that was but newly dead, and priuily brought it into his chamber: and when the Innekeeper and all his houshould were gone to bed, hee stuffed the Beares skinne with straw, and dressed him with stickes, to make it stand stiffe, and put two Childrens shooes in his mouth: and after set him vp in the Hall as though he had bene aliue: This rested till the middle of the night, and then Scoggin bad the Marchants call very earnestly for drinke, the which they did▪ Whereupon the hoast called vp his maide to fetch them some, who lighted a Candle, and going into the hall▪ she spyed the Beare with two childrens shooes in his mouth, wherewith shee was so frighted that she ranne downe into the Cale-house and hid her selfe, thinking that hee had eaten vp both her maisters children. Then called the Marchants againe for drinke, whereat the hoast commaunded him man to arise, who likewise going into the Hall and seeing the Beare, for feere let fall his Candle, and ranne into the Seller, thinking the Beare had eaten vp the maide.

[Page]Then called the Marchants the third time, and desired the hoast himselfe, to fetch them some drinke, for they said as yet that no body came or else to giue them a candle, and they would draw it themselues: with that the good man arose himselfe, for hée thought that both his man & his maide were fallen asleepe again, and then lighted hée a candle, and went like­wise downe into the hall, where he spyed the Beare and was so frighted therewith, that he fell vnto the ground, and cride out mainely to the Marchants for helpe, saying. that the Beare had eaten both his man and his maide, who hearing their maister call for helpe, came vp sodainely to helpe, so did the Marchants who exceedingly laughed at this hardy man, that would haue slaine ten Beares, and yet was made affraide of one dead Beares skin: when the Inne-keeper saw that it was done in mockerie, hee was so ashamed that he wist not what to say, and so went to bed: and then in the morning arose the Marchants and paid their charges, and so rode their wayes, and af­ter this, neuer would the Inne-keeper boast of his manhood any more.

AFter this Scoggin came vnto the citie of Cane in Normandie where William the Conquerour King of England was buri­ed, and there set vp bils vp and downe the towne, vpon euery poast and Church doore, that hee would giue a right answere to euery question that was put vnto him: whereupon came many learned men vnto him: whereof there was one that asked him how many Gallons of water was in the Sea? Then answered Scoggin, Stop all the Riuers that do run into it and then I will measure it, and tell you iustly how many gallons there hee: then thought the other that it was impossible to do, and so was content with that answere: Then asked hee Scoggin another Question, which was this. How many dayes were past since Adams creation till this time? Marry qd Scoggin there be but seauen dayes past: for when the wéeke is done, beginneth still an­other seauen dayes, and so foorth to the end of [Page] the world. Then said the other, now fell and the third question, which is? Where is the middle of the world? then answered Scog­gin to him: That is here in the middle of this house: for if you will not beleeue mee, take a coard and measure it: whereat the proposer grew angry, and asked him how farre was the earth from heauen? Why quoth Scoggin that is hereby, let mee sing neuer so softly: here, but it is heard in heauen, and if you will not beleeue me: take a Ladder and goe vp into heauen, and I will here speake very softly: and then if you heare it not I will loose my credit. Then quoth the other, how wide is heauen? and how broad is it? Why quoth Scoggin, it is twelue thousand mile broad: and ten thousand mile wide, and if you will not beleeue mee then must you goe take the Sunne, the Moone, and all the starres, and we measure them, and if you finde it not as I say. I will giue the maistery to you: with that the learned man knew not what to say to Scoggin, but that he was to craftie for them, and to gaue him the victory and praise.

AFter this Scoggin was estéemed in all places for a most wise and sencible man, and the better beloued of the people, because he loued to sport and iest, and would take it in good part to be iested withall: vpon a time one came vnto him, and in this meanes said vnto him, Sir this it is, you are a man of great wis­dome and therefore I come to craue your ad­uise in a matter of great waight: I haue a sonne that is twenty yeare olde and better, and hath gone a yeare to Schoole in our Pa­rish, therefore I would haue your counsell how I might doe to haue him made Priest, but I feare me the Pope will not suffer him by reason of one thing that he hath not, which will be great hinderance to him Scoggin take­ing pleasure in the womans simplicitie, saide vnto her, what is it good wife? Sir so it is that hee hath not: what is that he hath not▪ said he, ha good sic, said she, he hath not. I dare not tell it, for you know well enough what men carry? hath he no long hose? no, (quoth shée) [Page] it is not that I would speake, sir he hath no­thing: you understand me well enough, yet in the ende she said vnto him, and please you sir, when he was a little Boy, he fell of a ladder and so brake them, that hée was faine to bée gelded and had it not bene for that mischance, I would haue married him, for he is the tal­lest of my children, (in faith) said Scoggin that is a smal fault, and wil be no hinderance to him to be made a priest▪ but yet sir, there is another thing that wil be hie hinderance, which is, he can speake no latine: for that let me alone is teach him, therefore good wife when you please send him to me and I wil prouide him latine enough: whereupon the poore woman gaue him great thankes and so she departed away.

THis young clownish Frenchman being a Norman borne, by his mothers apoint­ment came vnto Scoggin, and told him that he had a desire to become one of the Church, but hee could write and reade very little, ne­uerthelesse hauing hard say, that money made [Page] all, he breake him mind vnto maister Scoggin asking his counsell how to rule and gouerne himselfe in this matter, marry, quoth Scoggin the Pope (when thou commest to be admitted Priest) cannot vnderstand thy Naturall speach, I will learne thee to speake so much Latine as shall serue thy turne when thou art before him, which being well placed, he shall thinke thee to bee a profound Scholler. The Frenchman was very glad to heare these ti­dings, so that in all hast he would needs know these three wordes, Friend, saith Scoggin, so soone as thou art come before the Pope, thou shalt fall downe vpon thy knees▪ saying, Sal­ue sancte Pater: Then he will aske thee in lat­tine, Vnde es tu? that is to say, of whence art thou? Thou shalt answere him, De Norma­nia: then he wil aske thee, Vbi sunt litterae tuae thou shalt say vnto him, In Mentica mea, and presently without any more adoe thou shalt be made a Priest: whereupon the Frenchman being so merry and iocund that he remained fiftéene dayes with Scoggin to learne these thrée Latine words, and when he thought that he had learned them well, he tooke his iourney towards Rome, & by the way he did nothing but repeat his Lattine, but in repeating it so [Page] often he forgat the first word, Salue sancte Pa­ter: And knew not how to learne it againe, nor where to finde a man could do it: But see the lucke of it: he chaunced vpon a Saturday morning to come into a church to pray, where▪ as he heard them sing the Masse of our Lady, which was salue sancte parens, wherunto the Frenchman gaue eare: now God be praised and our blessed Ladie, said he, I haue found my Latine againe, and so set forward with his Latin, salue sacte parens, thinking it to be the right. And at length he came to Rome, before the Pope, & did his reuerence vpon his knees, saying vnto him, Salue sancte parens, the pope said vnto him Ego non sum mater Christi: The Frenchman answered: De Normania: The Pope grew angry, and said Daemonium habes? in manica mea, answered the French­man: and therewithall he put his hand into his sleeue to pull out his lettrrs, the Pope began to be afraid, thinking he would haue pulled the diuell out of his sleeue, and ran away as fast as his legs would beare him. Thus was our poore ge [...]ed Frenchman disappointed of his priesthood, who for very griefe within a while after died and was buried by a company of Friers of the holy order.

PResently vpon the Frenchmans iourney to Rome, Scoggin left Fraunce, and like­wise went to see Rome: where he was no soo­ner come, but inquiring of the Frenchmans proceedings, who had intelligence that he was dead for griefe, whereupon Scoggin in a moc­kery, went to a certaine company of gray Fri­ers, who made them beleeue that the French­mans soule was in Purgatorie, and if hée would giue them ten Duckets they, would re­deeme him from thence, the which he earnest­ly promised: Whereupon the Friers fell all to their charmes and solemne masses, to redéeme as they relieued the poore Frenchmans soule out of purgatorie: which being done as they thought, they came to demand their ten Duc­kets of Scoggin, who asked them if there was any danger of his returne againe to purgato­ry, being once by their good prayers deliuered from thence: They answered no? Why then quoth Scoggin, it were a néedlesse charitie to giue any thing to him, that is alreadie in safe­ty, and therefore I thinke it good policy to keep my money in store to pleasure some other poore soule not yet deliuered, and so sent them away fasting without their money.

VVIthin a month after Scoggins arriuall in Rome, he got so much fauour that he was vpon a time bidden to supper by the Pope himselfe, and being in the midst of their Iun­kets, the Pope asked his seruitors for the pea­cocke that was dressed for his dinner, which hee cōmanded to be kept for his supper, which not being done according he grew into a great rage for it. Scoggin sitting then by him at board perswaded his holinesse not to bee angry: To whom the Pope replyed, saying: If God were so highly offended in Paradice, for ca­sting out our old father Adam from thence, and onely for eating an Apple: why should not I, being his vicar on earth be more furi­ous for a peacocke, knowing how farre it is in value aboue a rotten Apple.

VPon a time there was a simple Taylor dwelling in Rome, that vpon a day came [Page] into a church where the image of Saint Iohn Baptist was honoured, who falling on both his knees, hée humbly desired to know whe­ther his wife (at any time) had wantonly a­bused him, and what fortune should follow his young sonne, Scoggin standing by, (and well practist in such knauish toyes) hapned to ouer-hears his petition? who secretly step­ped behind the alter and faining the voice of Saint Iohn, answered him, my deare friend and faithfull follower for thy long reuerent worshipping, and deuotion thou hast done vn­to me. I will truly tell thee: Thy wife hath many times borned thy head, and thy young childe within few yeares shall be hanged: wherefore depart in peace since thy prayers be heard? Whereat the Taylor rising vp in a rage, tooke his leaue without a farewell but when he was a little past from him, without any reuerence, he turned backe and said, what art thou for a Saint? Scoggin answered. I am thy good Saint Iohn Baptist: My Saint, (quoth the Taylor) thou art the diuell, a liar a slanderer, and a foule mouth'd slaue, as thou hast beene since thy beginning: for that bab­ling tongue of thine, caused Herod worthily to cut off thy head. I haue prayed to thee this [Page] twenty yeares, and haue offered more candles before thee then I am worth: wherfore I will sée thée hanged as thou wast headed before I will come to thee againe.

IN Rome there was one Frier Thomas, who to obserue the straigt lawes of their religion, had his concubine close in his bed to help him say his mattens at midnight now Scoggin beeing well acquainted with this Frier, made bold of his company at all times, so comming vp of a sodaine into the chamber in the [...]rning (by chance they both a slepe) he saw foure naked feete hang out of the bed, whereat he seemeth greatly to wonder, and so­dainly put his hand out of the window and mainely cryed, what ho, come sée a miracle, come see a miracle, for Frier Thomas hath foure legges: Whereupon they were so asha­med that they knew not how to excuse the matter.

VVHilst Scoggin remained at Rome, he lodged in the house of a widdow that had great store of money, which a certaine young gentleman of the towne perceiued and to the end to get some of it from her, in the e­uenings he came into her house & lapped him­selfe in a white shéete, counterfetting a spirit, thinking that she would run her wayes, and leane her money to his disposing: The wo­man that was wise perceiued the mysterie, and therefore caused her guest maister Scog­gin the next day to come and lie secretly in the chamber by her, who in the place of a coniuring booke, brought a good cudgell, and withall fil­ling his head with drink to be the hardier: but at last about midnight the spirit appeared as before, and began with fearefull noise pittifully to cry: whereupon the Coniurer, (who had not disgested his liquor) sodainely set vpon him, and so basted him on both sides with a cudgell saying, if thou be the diuell, I am his damme: and he had vtterly spoyled him, if he had not the sooner discouered himselfe.

VPon a time there was a Gentleman of the Countrie which greatly loued hunting and tooke therein so much delight in the day time, that in the night hee would rise vp in his sleepe, and beginne to cry, hollow, and whoop after his hounds, as if he had bene abroad in the day time. This Gentleman on a time came vnto Rome, and lodged in the same Inno where Scoggin did: and in the same Chamber, but in going to bed, this Gentleman said vnto Scoggin, friend I pray thee be not offended with mee for this one night for I haue an impediment, which is to crie in the night after my hounds for I loue hunting so well that euery night I thinke I am at the game, Scoggin hauing heard before time of his humor, said vnto him: Oh Sir (quoth hee it taketh mee after the same man­ner, for I am a Carter, and thinke euery night that I am alwayes whipping of my horses, and driuing of my Cart, and by no meanes can I leaue it, well said the Gen­tleman we will therefore beare one with the [Page] other, he goeth to bed, and was no sooner en­tred into his first sleepe, but be started out of his bed, and went crying about the Chamber so how, so how, so how, at this cry Scoggin a­waked, and went downe into the stable and fetched a Carters whip, and perked, the gen­tleman too and fro about the chamber, crying haw rée browne bayrd, dun go, what browne I say: and withall so yerked the Gentleman vp and downe, who awaked with the yearkes of the whip, and in stead of crying after his houndes, he changed his tune, and cryed out for helpe, saying I am slaine, I am slaine, but still Scoggin with his whip fetched him too and fro about the chamber: Vntill at the last the poore gentleman was faine to get him vn­der a table, & there hid himselfe without spea­king a word, which Scoggin perceiued, he set downe his whip and went to bed, and began to snort like on that had bin in his dead sléepe. The good wife of the house arose, lighted a candle, and found the Gentleman hidden vn­derneath the boord, in such a little corner as would scant serue a Cat to goe in, and all his bodie and legges were so grieuously be pain­ted with lashes, as if it had beene the picture of Christ: the which surely was a great mi­racle, [Page] [...], as before he was wont to do in his sleepe: whereat his friends and kin­dred did much maruell, that knew his quality: neuer was one man more bound to another then was the Gentleman to Scoggin, who had healed him of such an infirmitie as that was.

VPon a time after a Frier had said Masse, he inuited Scoggin home with him to dinner, being set amongst their delicates, the Frier most highly commended his owne de­uotion, affirming that he had the same day with the Memento of one make (and at one instant) deliuered ninety and nine soules out of purgatory: whereupon Scoggin asked him meerely, why he left an odde one behinde, and made them not an hundred, marry quoth the Frier if the clap of the Church window had not so sodainely started me, I would haue per­formed the iust number of an hundred.

VVHilst the frier & Scoggin sat thus at dinner, there cam a Coblers mā vn­to [Page] [...] be a meanes to the Pope that hee might bée made a Priest: now this Frier first to prooue his sufficiency in latin said vnto him es tu dig­nus? the poore fellow answered, no sir I thanke you, I will dine with your seruants, beléeuing that dignus had bene to dine.

THE aforesaide Frier vsed very much to sweare and for euery slender cause would take the name of God in vaine, but so it chan­ced that as the Frier walked along the stréets of Rome. to be sore hurt with the stroke of a horse, Scoggin being in his company, and knowing his blaspheming humour, said vnto him, sir this will make you leaue your swea­ring: who sodainely answered, now by the body of God I will take héede hereafter how I sweare.

SCoggin being still a batchler, and a very lus­ty youngman, he fel in loue with a glouers wife (whose husband was somewhat antient & [Page] alwayes when her husband was at any laire with his ware to stay al night Scoggin would be sure still to lie with her, but it so fortuned one night aboue the rest, as hee was in bed with her, that one of her little Children felt one in the bed with his mother, to whom the little child said, mother I pray you who lies with you now my father is away, why no body quoth she, but God a mighty and thou and I this rested secret for a time, but within a while after his father being at home, and sit­ting at his doore playing with the said litle child Scoggin by chance came by, whom the child espying, said vnto him, oh father see yonder goes God a mighty that lay with my mother all night: thinking he said well because his mo­ther had told him so.

SCoggin to satisfie the humour of certaine Gentlemen, his familiar acquaintance most commonly approued the skill of a sim­ple Doctor of Phisicke that dwelt not farre from Rome, and thus it was hee tooke a faire Vrinall, and filled it halfe full of good Wine, [Page] and bore it to this doctor, saying it was a sicke­mans water, who viewing it and tossing it vp and downe as though hee had great knowledge: quoth he, the Patient whose wa­ter it is▪ is full of grosse humors, and hath néed of purging, and to be let some ten ounces of blood: No you Dunce replyed Scoggin, it is good pisse, and with that drunke it off, and threw the Vrinall at his head.

NOt long after Scoggin to make the Doc­tor amends, gaue him a booke to his Newy fares gift, called, The secrets of Na­ture, the which Maister Doctor receiued with great kindnesse, and to shew how kindly hee accepted of it: he presently before Scoggin be­gan to peruse it: where amongst other things he read, that a broad and a long bearded man argued the man to be a foole, for triall where­of he tooke a candle in one hand, and a glasse in the other, viewing whether he was inclu­ded with it, but holding the Candle so neare his beard that it finged it close to his chin: at which the Doctor in a rage threw downe the [Page] glasse, and ranne away all ashamed into the chamber, whereupon Scoggin tooke pen and inke, and in the margent writ, Probatum est.

NOtwithstanding for all these iniurice done by Scoggin against the Doctor, yet aboue all other hee delighted in his company, as thus: the Doctor hauing occasion to ride from Rome to Venice, requested Scoggin to ride with him, who willingly promised him: where riding by a wood neere vnto Rome, the Doctor began to be afraid of theeues, who be­ing in bodily feare, by chance he saw a farre off a troope of people comming toward him, but he desired Scoggin to ride before to discouer what they were, meane while he did himselfe behind a bush, Scoggin comming vnto them, vnderstood that they conducted a murtherer to execution. He being in a merrie humour, straight set spurs to his horse, and galloped backe againe towards M. Doctor beckoned all the way vnto the Doctor as he posted towards him to be gone and shift for himselfe: which the doctor perceiuing, away he rides towards [Page] Rome, as though hee had rid vpon life and death: and being alighted at his owne dóore he there attended Scogging comming, who immediatly alighted there also, panting and blowing, saying vnto him, M. Doctor you are happy that haue so wel escaped their hands for if he be hanged for killing one man, what would they haue done with you, that haue kil­led and poysoned so many? the Doctor seeing himselfe so flouted, in a furie thrust Scoggin out of his house, and neuer after would abide him.

IT was Scoggins chance vpon a time to be in a Church in Rome, whilst a holy Frier was casting about his holy water, whereupon there came a priest vnto Scoggin and reproo­ued him because hee did not put off his Cap, when the Frier sprinckled him with holy wa­ter, who answered, if it haue power (as you say) to passe to purgatorie, surely it must haue easier passage through my Cap.

AFter this Scoggin grew in hate among the Friers, because he many times made Ieffes vpon them, whereupon there was a Iesuite that would alwayes speake mightily against Protestants, thinking Scoggin to be one, affirming that he would prooue a Prote­stant worse then a Diuell, for (said he) if I méete with a Diuell, and blesse my selfe but with the signe of the crosse, hée will straight flie from me: but if I make the signe of the crosse to a Protestant, by God he will flie vp­on me, and be ready to strangle me.

SCoggin hauing heard of the simplicitie of this Iesuite, came vnto him, and asked him the reason why God gaue vnto the good thiefe paradice, and the cause that hee went straight thither without passing first into the purgato­ry: marry sir quoth the Iesuite, I haue read, that when Christ was carryed into Egypt, [Page] (with his mother by Ioseph) the same théese would not suffer his companions to robbe Christ, nor any that were with him: and with­al saying to Christ, remember this good turne I haue done thee, which was then promised him and performed, when they met both at ex­ecution, this was the simplicity of the Iesuite.

SCoggin meaning yet to make this Iesuit a more Foole, asked him how Christ liued whilst he was a Boy? whereupon the Iesuit shamed not to say, that after Christ grew to some strength, Ioseph began to teach him his occupation, and one day amongst others, hée set him to saw a peece of timber, but Christ not regarding▪ the marke that he should haue sawed by, cut it too short: whereat Ioseph was very angry, and would haue beaten him, if he had not hastily taken vp the one ende and cra­uing his fathers helpe to hold the other, drew it out of the same length that Ioseph would haue it. The which blasphemie the Iesuit iu­stified for a truth.

SCoggin kéeping an Ordinarie in Rome, and sitting with Gentleman, to make them merrie, would approoue Mustard (standing before them) to haue wit, how so sayes one? It is like a wittie scould: meeting another scoulde, knowing that scould will scould, begins to scould first: so sayes hée, the Mustard being lickt vp, and knowing that you will bite it, begins to bite you first: Ile try that sayes a Gull by, and the Mustard so tickled him that his eyes watered: How now sayes Scoggin, does my lest sauor? I sayes the Gull, and bite too: If you had had better wit sayes Scoggin you would haue bit first: so then to conclude with mee, that dumbe vnféeling Mustard, hath more wit then a tal­king vnfeeling foole as you are. Some were pleased, and some were not: But all Scoggins care was taken (for his resolution was such euer) before he talkt of any iest.

SCoggin before time hauing borrowed ten duckets of a Frier, and now lacking more money, went againe to the said Frier to bor­row ten more, why quoth he, you owe me ten already, how shall I be paide that? why thus quoth Scoggin lend me ten more to the ten I haue had already, and I will make you a bond to pay you twenty at the feast of S. Peter next cōming, the Frier thinking to haue somewhat to shew for his money, sent him the other ten duckets whereupon Scoggin made him a bond the money to be paide vpon the feast of S. Peter in the yeare of our Lord 1490. which figure of 4 he turned into 5. very cunningly whilst the Frier was drawing out his mony: which was done in this maner, 1490. he chāged into 1590 the frier thinking y ^e bond so he rightly written went his way: & at the time appointed came to Scoggin & demanded his money, your money quoth Scoggin, why it is not yet due almost these 100. yeares▪ therefore looke in your [...] & there you shall find it in: the Frier seeing the figure of 4 turned into 5. knew himselfe deci­ued. & went his [...] with a flea in his eare.

VPon a time Scoggin was wrongfully accused for getting of a Gentlemans Maide with Childe, and for the same brought before a Iustice in Rome, which iustice said as followeth. It is a mar­uaile ( Scoggin) that you being now a gentle­man of good qualitie, and one of good ruputati­on, would venture thus to get maides with childe, nay rather qd Scoggin were it a mar­uaile, if a maide had gotten me with childe,

SCoggin as he trauelled abroad, was in a towne where in y ^e In was a pretty maid, whose fauour was placed in a corner of Scoggins affection, and talking with her appointed to meete him at the bottome of a paire of staires: when night and the houre came, and the maide subtilly sent downe her mistris, who Scoggin catching in his armes art come wench sates hee, out alas sayes the mistris (not knowing who it was) Scoggin [Page] hearing it was the mistris, start a side, and the maide came downe with the candle, she espyed a glimse of Scoggin, in the dark, who slept in­to another roome: how now mistris said the maide, something said shee affrighted me, some man sure for I heard him speake: no, no, mi­stris said the maid, it was no man, it was a Bull calfe, that I shut into a roome till Iohn our pounder came to haue pounded him for a stray: had I thought that said shee, I would haue hit him such a knock on his forehead, that his hornes should neuer haue graft his coxe­combe, and departs vp againe affraid: but how Scoggin tooke this iest thinke you.

SScoggin another time lacked money, and being a faire yong man without any haire on his face got him on an ancient Gentlewo­mans gowne putting a Cushion vnder his aporne, and a French-hood vpon his head, and so vpon a Sunday in seruice time, went to a Drapers house, the maister and all his house being at Church, except a maide seruant that dressed dinner so comming like an olde Gen­tlewoman to the doore where knocking very [Page] orderly the maide comes and asked what hée would haue, taking him to be some substanti­all Gentlewoman, marry (quoth Scoggin) after I pray you stand a gentlewomans friend so much as to let her make water in your kit­chin, for I am ashamed to do it in the street, & am so neere beset that I can goe no further: the honest simple maide deeming all to be true, let him goe into the kitchin wherein being no soo­ner come but hee bound the maide hand and foote, and put a gagge into her mouth, and af­ter tooke what he pleased and so left the maide there gaping on the ground with a gag in her mouth: at last comes the good wife home from the Church, where entring into the kitchin as her manner was, and finding her maide in this pitifull taking was so amazed that shee stood sencelesse till her husband came home. who likewise finding his Maide vpon the ground gaping for breath, vngagd her and as­ked her how she came into that extremitie: marry maister quoth she, here came the diuell in a French: hood and gagd me and robbed you for I am sure it was no woman shee was so strong but she draper, could neuer neither get the theefe nor his goods againe, but contented himselfe with that losse, and euer after left more company at home.

VPon a time there was an olde priest and Scoggin dined together in Rome, where there was but litle store of meate, but Scog­gin hauing a good stomacke, and being a iolly fat man, put off his dublet the better to fill his belly, & began to lay an loade with his teeth as though he had eaten no meate in two or three dayes before: the which being perceiued by the other olde man that sat at the table, he be­gan to aske Scoggin many questions, thinking thereby to hinder the busie filling of his belly, but Scoggin because hee would not loose much time, answered the old man very briefely al­together in sillables: the questions and aun­sweres were these. What Garment doe yee weare? Strange. What wine doe ye drinke? Red. What flesh doe you eate? Beefe. Now like you this Wine? Good. You drinke none such at home? No. What eate you vpon Fri­daies? Egges, and such like: but all this while he lost not one mouthfull of meate, for his month was still going, and yet answered rea­dily to all his questions. By this meanes the oldman went halfe hungry away.

SCoggin beeing at Rome, and lodged in a Priests house there, where an old church­man that on a Sonday could not performe his dutie to the parish: Whereupon Scoggin taking vpon him the Priestes office, and as though he had bene another Curate dwelling hard by, went to the Church and said seruice both forenoone and afternoone: but as the or­der was then, the parishioners came before Seruice and confessed them to the priest, but amongst the rest there came to Scoggin a poore Blacksmith to be confessed, to whom he said. How sayeth thou friend, art thou not a fornicator? The poore man said no. Quoth Scoggin againe, art thou not a glutton? Art thou not supethious? he said still no, Scoggin perceiuing he said still no, to euery thing be­gan to wonder, asking againe: Art thou not concupicent? No sir, said hee, Why what art thou then quoth Scoggin: I am said hee, a poore Blacksmith, for beholde here is my hammer.

There was also another that answered in [Page] like manner to this confessor, the which is some what in better order, it was Sheepe­heard, whom Scoggin did aske friend how sayest thou? Hast thou kept the commande­ments of the Church? No, neither, then said Scoggin vnto him what hast thou then kept? I neuer kept any thing but sheepe in all my life quoth the shepheard.

Yet there was another who after hee had declared all his faults, was asked if any thing else stucke in his conscience? He answered no­thing: but that vpon a time hee had stolne a Halter. Well (said Scoggin) to steale a Halter is no great matter. Yea but (said the man) there was a horse tyed at the end thereof, I marry (qd Scoggin) that is another manner of matter: there is difference betweene a horse and a halter, you must therefore restore backe the horse, and the next time that hee come a­gaine, I will absolue you for the halter.

ON a night Scoggin and three or foure of the Popes seruants beeing merrily disposed, consulted how they might haue good [Page] cheare and pay no money, and euery one in­uented away as they thought best, at last Scoggin said. I haue inuented a cleanely shift at the signe of the Rose against Saint Peters Church is a new Tayster, which ere this hath not seene any of vs, and he is also pour­blinde, so that if he see vs hereafter he cannot know vs. Therefore wee will go thither and make good cheare, and when wée haue a recko­ning, wée will contend who shall pay all, then will I say to auoide the contention, that the Tayster shall bee blinded, and we will runne round about him, and whosoeuer he catcheth first let him pay for all, and so wee may scape away. Euery man liked Scoggins deuise? best, so in conclusion they came thither and had good cheare, for they spared no coast so that in the end their reckoning grew to ten shillings. Then as Scoggin had deuised afore, so they did. The Tapster was blinded so that they ranne round about him, and first Scoggin got out, and then another, so that at the last they got all away, and left the Tapster gro­ping in euery place about the house for them that should pay the shot. The maister of the house beeing in a chamber next to the place where they were, and hearing the stamping [Page] that they made, came to see what they did, whom the Tapster caught in his armes say­ing: sir you must pay the reckoning. Marry said his Master so I thinke I must indeed, for here is no body else to pay it. Then the Tap­ster and his Maister sought and enquired for them but they could not finde them.

GEntlewoman said Scoggin, and the rest as you sit, I can tell you strange things: now many gallants at supper noted one wo­man, who being little and pretty, to vnsit her pretinesse had a great wine mouth which shee seeming to hide would, pinch in her speeches and speake smal but was desirous to heare the newes. Scoggin going from Rome to Ve­nice, tolde that there was a Proclamation made that euery man should haue two wiues, now Iesus quoth shee, is it possible? I Gen­tlewoman, and otherwise able too, for contra­rily, women must haue three Husbandes, now Iaw [...]us said the Gentlewoman, and with wonder shewes the full widenesse of her Mouth, at which all the Table smiled: [Page] which shee perceiuing, would answere no more. Now mistris said Scoggin your mouth is lesse then euer it was for now it is able to say nothing: thou art a cogging knaue sayes shee: Masse, and that is something, yet said Scoggin, your mouth shall bee as wide as eare it was for that test.

A Vsurer sometime there was dwelling at Rome, that euer (by report) made many desperat debts but what he deliuered out came stil with profit back againe: Scoggin hearing hereof, laid a wager with a friend of his, that he would by his witte deceiue him therein, So comming to this rich churie, he demaun­ded of him how hee should preuent desperate debts & keepe himselfe from trusting bancke­routes: This Vsurer kept himselfe a loofe off, and would not be knowne of the secret to him till a conclusion was made, that Scoggin should bestow a supper of this Mony master at the tauerne to learne the secret. The supper was prepared, where Scoggin and the Vsurer supped merrily: but during supper time, they fell in conference touching the matter, where [Page] the Vsurer tolde Scoggin that if hee dealt as he vsed to doe hée could make no euill debts: and that was, that hee should not take any mans bill, bond, or word, but euer be sure of a good pawne worth double or treble his mo­ney in vsance with a good bill of sale in open market. The Supper béeing almost ended, this olde Vsurer hauing well liquored him­selfe, and olde vessels must needs leake, would needs be gone to make water: nay then (sayd Scoggin) you meane to leaue mee Not so (quoth the Vsurer) if you thinke that heere keepe my gowne, hée went foorth to make wa­ter, who hauing no sooner turned his backe, but Scoggin tooke his gowne, and laide it to pawne in the Barre for the shot, and so went his way. Thus Fraude was deceiued with Deceite.

ON a time Scoggin was sent for to an Ab­bot in Rome, to pastime with him, wher he fel sicke and like to die, whereupon he was shriuen and would haue bene housed and hée [Page] durst not for feare of casting. The Abbot said Crede & manducasti, that is to say, beléeue & thou hast receiued. When Scoggin recouered, the Abbot lent him his owne horse to ride home on, Scoggin sent not home the Abbots horse, wherefore the Abbot sent for his horse, but Scoggin answered the messenger, and said, when I was sicke at home with your maister, I would haue receiued the holy Sa­crament of the Alter, and he bad mee beléeue, and I had receiued the sacrament of the Alter: so in like manner, let him beléeue that hée had receiued his horse and it is sufficient, and tell him his horse he shall neuer haue. By this a man may perceiue that a man should not lend his horse nor his weapon, nor his wife to no man if he loue himselfe or his owne profit, for by it neuer commeth gaines.

SCoggin being noted throughout all Rome for a shifting companion could not well tell how to liue any longer there, vnlesse hee [Page] became one of the Church: and considering with himselfe that hee was a maister of Arte, and sufficient enough to performe any office of the Church, whereupon he made sute to the Pope to be made a Priest, the which was done immediatly. Within a while after hee made an Oration before the Pope, and many of his Clergie, and considering their Pompe and pride, hée sayd nothing in the Pulpit, but sie Saint Peter, and sie Saint Paul, and when he had many times recited these words, spitting first on the one side, then on the other, hée so­dainely departed the Pulpit, leauing his au­ditors wonderfully amazed, wherefore some thought hée was not well in his wild, and o­ther some imagined hee was not sound in reli­gion, so as they meant to commit him to pri­son: But one Frier amongst the rest that partly knew his humour, caused him to bée called before the Pope, who commaunded him to shew some reason for that he had done: hée answereed that in troth hée was determined to intreate of another matter. But consi­dering (said Scoggin) that you possesse all the pleasures of the World at will, and that there is no state comparable to yours: [Page] and weighing againe with my selfe, in what pouerty, paine and misery, the Apostle liued in: I thought that either they were great fooles to choose so sharpe a life to goe to hea­uen or you, that hauing the keyes of heauen in your hands, were in the high way to hell: this for that time proued a sufficient answere to the Pope, so blinded was he with ambition and Idolatry, that hee did not perceiue when he was iested at.

SCoggin vpon a time trauelling a litle from Rome, and lodging in an homely Inne, during which time there was a Gentle­man dwelling in the same towne, somewhat franticke and distrauct of his wittes: which madman of a sudden rusht into Scoggins bed Chamber, with his sword drawne and find­ing him there in bed, would haue slaine him, saying: villaine were it not valiantly done to strike off thy knaues head at one blow, Scog­gin answered, tut sir, thats nothing with worship to doe, you can as easily strike off two heads at one blow as one, wherefore if you [Page] please, ile go downe and call vp another, and so you may strike off both our heads at once: the mad man beleeued him, and so let him slip away.

A Wag-halter boy met Scoggin in the streete, and said: Maister Scoggin who liues longest? Marry, boy, saies Scoggin, he that dieth latest: and why die men so fast said the Boy? because they want breath said Scoggin: no, rather said the Boy, because their time is come, they die: Then thy time is come said Scoggin, see who comes yonder? Who said the Boy? Marry, said Scoggin, Swag the hangman: nay hang me then, if I imploy him at this time, sayes the Boy: well said Scoggin, then thou wilt be hanged another time by the owne confession, and so they departed.

SCoggin hauing béene dominéering verie late one night with two of his friends, and comming homewards, the watch was set, and M. Constable askt who goes there? tkrée mer­ry men quoth Scoggin: that is not sufficient, what art thou quoth M. Constable? Why saith Scoggin one of vs is an eye-maker, and the other a light-maker: What saiest thou knaue? dost mocke me, the one is an eiemaker, the other a light-maker, which two proper­ties belong vnto God onely. Commit these blasphemers quoth the Constable: Nay, I pray you good M. Constable bee good in your office, I will approue what I haue said to be true, if thou canst said the Constable, you shall passe otherwise you shall all thrée be punished. Why quoth Scoggin, this fellow is an eye-maker, because a spectacle maker, and this o­ther a light-maker, because a Chandler that maketh the darkest night as light as your lan­thorne. The Constable séeing them so pleasant was well contended, the rest of the Watch­men laughed, and Scoggin with his compa­nions, went home quietly.

THere was dwelling sometime in Rome a widdow woman that was so miserable in house-keeping, that no seruant would diuell with her any long time: of which woman Scoggin heard tell of, and being desirous to play the iesting companion with her, he went vnto her, and hired himselfe with her to worke for a month: the bargaine being thus agréed vpon betwixt them, vpon a morning betime he came to her house to begin his worke: but (quoth be) Dame before I begin, I must haue my breakfast. Why that thou shalt haue for this time (said she) but vse it not: so she set him a miserable breakfast vpon the table, which he eate vp euery crum. Now Dame, quoth he, let me haue my dinner to, and I wil haue none at noone▪ the which she likewise gaue him, but he eate vp all that in like manner as before: The which being done, he said againe, Dame to saue a labour, I pray you let me haue my sup­per too, and then Ile trouble you no more till tomorrow: shee thinking to saue some vic­tuals thereby, gaue him his supper also, [Page] the which he likewise eate vp as before being done, he ariseth from the table and said: Dame I haue now eaten my breakefast, my dinner, and my supper: but I pray you tell me one thing: What do folkes vse to do when they haue supt? Marry fellow (quoth shee) goe to bed and sléepe. Euen so (quoth Scoggin) will I doe, for I haue now supt, and therefore Dame good night. By these words she knew well that she was slouted, and neuer after would meddle with Scoggin againe.

SCoggin vpon a time béeing in a countrey village, came to Rome in the company of a merrie conceited Milke maide, carrying vp­on her head a palie of Milke to the Market, thinking to sell it: to passe the time away, to Maister Scoggin, shée made her reckoning aforehane in this manner. First (quoth the Maide) I will sell my Milke for two pence, and then with this two pence, buy eight Egges, which I will set a brood vnder a hen, and shée will haue eight Chickens: which Chickens being growne vp, I will cramme [Page] them and by that meanes they will bee Ca­pons: these Capons being young, will bee woorth twelue peace a peece that is iust eight shillings, with the which I will buy two pigs, a sow pig, and a Boare pig, and they grow­ing great, will bring foorth twelue others, the which I will sell (after I haue kept them a while) for halfe a crowne peece, that is iust thirty shillings. Then I will buy a Mare that will bring foorth a faire Foale: the which will grow vp and be gentle and faire, that she will play, skip, leape and fling, and cry weehes after euery Beast that shall passe by. But now for the ioy this Milke-maide tooke of her supposed Foale. and in her iollity coun­terfetting to shew her Foales lustinesse, her paile of Milke fell downe from her head, and was all spilt. Then Scoggin laughing, said, vnto her: There now lies all your Egges, your Chickens, your Capons, your Pigges, your Mare, her Colt and all, vpon the ground, so by this meanes, was she depriued of all her purposes.

VPon a certaine time, Scoggin & his man trauelled to Venice, and other places of Italy, and making merry there so long till all their money was gone, and being a great way to Rome, they knew not what to doe, but as want is the what stone of wit, Scoggin gathered his conceits together, and practised a tricke to beare him vp to Rome, without mo­ney, and this it was: vnto an Inne in Venice they went, and there lay for two or thrée daies of greate charge, although no money hee had to pay for the same, the third morning hee had his man goe downe and male content, himselfe before his Hoast and his Hoastis and mumb­blingly said to himselfe: Lord, Lord, what a scald maister serue I, this it is to serue a Ie­suite or Athist, now euen as I am an honest man, Ile leaue him in the lurch and shift for my selfe: héeres adoe about penance and mor­tification, as though (forsooth) Christ had not died enough for all: His man mumbling out those his instructions so dissemblingly, that it stroke such a ielousie in the Inkolders heart, [Page] that out of doubt his maister was a Iesuite or Athiest: whereupon he presently sent for the Constable, and told him all the aforesaid mat­ter, and so went vp both together, to attache Scoggin in his chamber, who purposely had shut himselfe in close, and betaken him to his knées, and to his crosse to make the matter seeme more suspicious: which they espying through the key-hole, made no more adoe but in they rushed, and arrested him for a Iesuit or Athiest, discharged his score, bore his own, and his boyes charges vp to Rome, and there in hope to haue rich rewards, presented him to the Cardinall, but now marke the iest, when the Cardinall saw Scoggin, and knew him pas­sing well, entertained him most courteously, & all to be fooled the Inholder and his mate, and sent them away with a flea in their eare: but when Scoggin saw himselfe discharged out of their hands, he stood iesting and pointing at their follie, and so taught them by cunning both more wit, and thrift, against another time.

VPon a time Scoggin came vnto a great Person in Rome, and made such merry pastime before him, that in recompence there­of he was bidden to demaund any reasonable request, and he should haue it. Marry my re­quest (quoth Scoggin) shall be reasonable e­nough, for I came nothing at your handes, but euery day whilst I liue a pot of Ale, and the appurtenances belonging to the same, the which hee had giuen him vnder an assurance. Now by this gift (quoth Scoggin) you haue giuen me sixe pence a day whilst I liue, for the appurtenances are farre more costlier then the pot it selfe, which I will proue in this manner: First, I must euery day haue a pen­ny for a pot of Ale, a penny for a loafe to make a toast, a penny for a faggot to toast it, a pen­ny for Sinnamon and Ginger, a penny for Nutmegs and Sugar, and a penny for mine Hostice to beare me company: without the which, a pot of Ale is like a blew coate with­out a Badge. For a blew Coate without a Badge, is like an Ale house without a signe.

SCoggin vpon a time dwelt at Rome vpon the Cardinale rents, in which house keeping an Alehouse, there came certaine Schollers and other, to drinke, but being set downe one of the Schollers said, bee merrie my good fellowes, for none shall spend a penny but my selfe, at which wordes the whole com­pany thinking that he would pay for all, called in a reckoning of some twelu [...] pence, which when they came to pay, there was no more money amongst them all but the Schollers penny, the which Scoggin hearing them sit­ting by the fire, and knowing them to be ho­nest mens sonnes, for that time, tooke the penny for the whole reckoning, and after sat him downe againe by the fire in the Chaire, the Schollers sate still looking one vpon ano­ther, and at last one of them said: What mine Hoast, is the reckoning all paide? It is my guests (quoth Scoggin) sith I can get no more. Why then (quoth the Scholler againe) I hope we shall haue a reckoning Pot giuen vs? A reckoning Pot my voyes (quoth Scog­gin) [Page] and but a penny paide for all, I faith that you shall, though I buy it dearely my Lads: so starting vp fetcht them a reckoning Pot. But it fell out that at Christmas following when Scoggin came to pay his rent, he was bid to dinner, where for want of table talke, he told the Cardinall of this pleasant iest that hapned amongst these schollers: the which so highly pleased and contented the Cardinall, that hee gaue him a lease of the same house for one and twenty yeares following for iust nothing: which afterward was woorth to Scoggin bet­ter then an hundred pound.

SCoggin being still about Rome, hee grew acquainted with a poore handy-craftsman, a mender of old shooes: in wit very simple: and as I may terme him a very foole. Scog­gin meaning to make some sport with this simple fellow, vpon a time came vnto him, and gazed very earnestly in his face, saying: I maruell my friend, how thou art able to walke abroad for I see that thou art very sick, death himselfe appeares in thy face. After [Page] this, another of Scoggins acquaintance come vnto the Cobler, and in like manner vseth the same wordes, and after him another, all by Scoggins deuising: By which meanes, the poore fellow was brought into such a conceit, that he thought himselfe sicke in deede, and so to bed he went: where after he had layne a while, hee would needes die: being dead in conceite, he was wound in his winding sheet, and laide on the Beere, as the countrey order is, and on foure mens backes borne towards the Church, but by the way méeting with an vnhappy Boy, who asked the bearers who was going to bee buried? Who answered, poore Iacob the honest Cobler. Quoth the Boy againe. What is Iacob the Cobler dead? Nay it is no matter, for he may be wel spared, for he was the veriest knaue in al the towne. With that the Cobler started vp, and said, Oh thou vnhappy Gallowes boy: if I were aliue as I am dead, I would soundly bee labour thée for slaundring thus a poore dead man going to be buried. The people hea­ring the dead man thus speake, thought it a miracle, and so bore him home to his house a­gaine.

ON a time Scoggin béeing in Rome grew very merily disposed, and meaning for to make his acquaintance somewhat pleasant, he want to a Painter and made him to draw the picture of a most strange Horse, with his head standing where his taile should stand, and his taile where his head should stand, the picture being thus strangely painted, he hang it foorth at a window: by which many simple people repaired thither, and gaue him pence a peece to behold this strange monster: so ga­thering a number of them together in a yard, at last he let them all into a stable to see this a­foresaid monster, but being entred into the stable, they saw no other monster but a horse with his taile tied vp to the cratch to a bottle of hay, and his head to the groope where▪ the tayle should stand. Thus were the simple peo­ple flouted. and Scoggins acquintance made very merry thereby

VPon a time Scoggin bad many of his friends come home to make merry with him, who was to goe to a banquet of all other meates, requested at his hands some excellent good Sammon, which as then was not to bee had for any money in all Rome, but yet to sa­tisfie his friends desires, he promised to send for some, the which he did: so sitting downe to dinner, in the midst whereof, came in thrée of his honest neighbours and sate them downe likewise at the table: but his friends expected still the Sammon, at last demaunded for the same. Why (quoth Scoggin) here it is. They séeing nothing, asked where? Marry here (quoth he) pointing to his 3. neighbours: you requested excellent good Sammon, here is excellent, here is good, and theres Sammon, for so were his three neighbours called. Being thus by this pleasant iest deceiued of their long­ing, they passed away dinner time with great delight and iollity.

CErtaine Noble men and Ladies of the Court, being eating Oysters, one of them seeing Scoggin, called him, and asked if he loued Oysters? No, quoth Scoggin, for they be vn­godly meate, vncharitable meate, and vnpro­fitable meate: why quoth the courtier? they are vngodly, because they are eaten without grace, vncharitable because they leaue nought but shels, and vnprofitable, because they must swim in wine. Thou saiest true, quoth one of them, and so they all fell on laughing at him.

ONe of the company, taking the Gentle­mans part, asked Scoggin, at what time he thought the diuell to be most busied? When the Pope dieth quoth he, why saith the cour­tier? marry (answered he) then all the Diuels are troubled and busied to plague him, for that he hath sent many a soule before him thither, that now exclaime against him.

A Gallant Gentleman lying in the Court, bought himselfe a suite of Satten, the which Scoggin had a great desire to get, and thinking to purchase it by his wit, said vnto the Gentleman, and it please your worship I haue had a great desire to haue such a suite of apparell, and of the same fashion that yours is of: quoth the Gentleman, when I leaue it of, I will giue it thée: so the next morning Scog­gin gets the suite of apparell: the Gentleman missing it called his man, wherupon in comes Scoggin with it vpon his backe, which the Gentleman perceiuing, called him knaue, and asked his reason? Why, (quoth Scoggin) you gaue it me when you left it off, so yesternight you put it off: the Gentleman seeing himselfe ouer-reacht, was content against his will.

THus it fell out, that vpon a time when Scoggin was in the presence of a great Cardinall, there came in a Painter of Rome, with the Images of Saint Peter and S. Paul, the which he had newly painted. The Cardi­nall himselfe taking them at his hand, found fault that he had painted them with too high a colour, for their faces (said he) are too red, mar­ry (quoth Scoggin then standing by) in the painters behalfe, this rednesse commeth of shame, for they blush to see the proude state and traines that you haue, in respect of the lowe and poore counternances they carryed: for this his dout he had a great checke of the Cardinall for his labour.

AS Scoggin rid through a market towne about ten miles from Rome, it was his chaunce to baite at a Butchers house being an Inne, which Butcher hauing great store [Page] of meate in his shop, he meant to deceiue him of a good ioynt thereof: but not knowing how to obtaine his desire because of the Butchers continuall presence, this pretty shift he deui­sed. Quoth he to the Butcher, mine Hoast they say in our country that he is a foole that cannot snap with his finger and thumbe as I now do, and therewithal did as Berbars vse to do with their hands when they wash a mans face: The Butcher being very loath to be counted a foole, profered to make his fingers snap, but through the greatinesse thereof, hee could not doe it frr his heart: whereupon he presently ran foorth to wash off the fat, and in the meane time before his returne Scoggin had sent away a good ioynt of meate by his Boy, standing at the doore: but when the Butcher returned, hauing made cleane his fingers, he said, Now sir, I can doe it as well as your selfe. I but quoth Scoggin, now it is too late, you should haue done it before. By this iest the Butcher perceiued himselfe made a foole, and so set him downe all ashamed.

SCoggin hauing receiued such great kindnesse in the Butchers house, that at his returne from Rome he lodged in the same Inne againe: But the Butcher himselfe mistrusting some false tricks, would not be out of his shop but yet through the wi­linesse of Scoggins wit, hee was deceiued: for as the butchers boy (being directed by mai­ster Scoggin) went downe into the Sellar to draw a pot of drinke, where pulling out of the fauset, he put it in his pocket, and calld to his maister for his helpe to stop in the drinke who for sauegard thereof, ranne downe and held his finger in the hole vntill the boy went vp for another tap: and whilest the poore silly witted Bu [...]cher stood holding his finger in the taphole, Scoggin like a crafty companion, ran into the shop, and stole another ioynt of meate and made merry with his friends at the next Inne they came too.

WIthin a while after this, Scog­gin receiued a certaine scroule from the Cardinall and a Bi­shop, wherein was written the names of sundry men and women, that hée should excomunicate, the which scroule by chaunce hee let falle into a little hole of his poc­ket, for remedy whereof he helped himselfe in this order, for with the losse of the paper, hée had lost the remembrance of all the names hée should haue then excommunicated, and there­fore thus he said, I excommunicate all those that are within that hole, whereupon remem­bring himselfe better of the matter, he except the Cardinall and Bishop who had there­vnto set their hands and seales, else had the Bishop and Cardinall bin both of them excom­municated.

VPon a time when Scoggin and his man had ridden eight or ten miles on their way, he ouertooke a Priest that was riding to Rome to pay his first fruites, with whom he kept company withall vntill he be come within twenty mile of Rome, and al that way as they rod, Scoggin made the priest very good cheare & would let him pay no mony, so that Scoggin had but two shillings left, and riding a little on this side Rome, Scoggin complained to the Parson in this sort: I maruel master Parson (quoth he) how men doe when they want money to get it? For when I want money I know not how to get any, except I should steale. No no, said the Priest, doe you not know that they that serue God well doe not want: and how that God promiseth, that if you call vpon him in your afflictions, that he will helpe you: You say well maister Par­son said Scoggin, and roade before, and when he saw a faire place hee kneeled downe, [Page] and lifted vp his hands and prayed to God till maister Parson and his man did ouertake him, but nothing hée could get. When they were come, hée roulde them hee pray­ed, but could get nothing. But (quoth he) I will trie once againe, and then if I get nothing, both you maister Parson and niy man shall helpe mee to pray, for I doe not doubt but God will helpe semething, when he heareth all our prayers. And then Scog­gin did ride afore againe, and when he sawe his place conuenient, hée alighted from his Horse and tyed him fast to a tree, and knéeled downe and prayed as hee had done before: vntill such time as they came to him: Then said the Parson, how doe you now Mai­ster Scoggin. By my troth said hée, I can get nothing, wherefore alight sirra, quoth hee vnto his man, and tye vppe your Horse to yonder tree, and then hee went to the Parson and tooke his Horse by the bri­dle, and tould him hee must needes helpe him to pray. The Parson for feare durst not say him nay, but alighted and tooke his Cap­case from the saddle bow, wherein was fiftie pounds, Then Scoggin asked his man how [Page] much money had in his purse. He said twentie pence. Be my troth said Scoggin, and I haue but two shillings: and how much haue you maister Parson said hee: The Par­son thought that if hee had tolde him all, hee would surely haue borrowed a good part of it, and hee said fiue poundes, Well let vs pray heartily said Scoggin, and then they kneeled downe and prayed the space of halfe an houre: and Scoggin said, let vs see whe­ther God hath heard our request or no. And then hée looked in his owne purse, where was but two shillings, and then hee looked in his mans purse where was but twentie pence, Then Scoggin came to the Parson, and said: now maister Parson let vs sée what you haue, for I doe not doubt but God hath heard your prayers, and tooke the priests capcase, and opened it, wherein was a bagge with fiftie pounnds in it, which the Parson should haue payde for his first fruites. Then Scoggin spread his Clooke abroad and powred out the money, and when hee had tould it, he sayd, by Ladie maister Parson God hath heard your prayer: and then he gaue him fiue poundes, and said maister Parson, here is [Page] the fiue pounds that you had before we began to pray and the rest wee will haue: for I see that you are so wel acquainted with God that with praying halfe an houre, you can get as much more: and this wil do vs great pleasure, and it is but a small matter for you to pray halfe an houre. The Parson desired Scoggin to let him haue the rest of the money, for hee said that he did ride to London to pay the first fruites. Well said Scoggin then you must pray againe for we will haue this, and so they rode away and left the Priest behinde them, and the Priest was faine to ride home againe for more money.

SCoggin of himself being mery conceited would alwaies say seruice quite contrary to all others, and would rea [...] and sing them after his owne maner: and aboue all the rest hee could not abide the order of the Passion, as it is commonly said in Churches for when Iesus spake any thing to the Iewes or to Pilate: then would hee speake aloude that euery one might heare and vnderstand. [Page] And if it were the Iewes or any other that spake, then would he reade it so softly and with such a low voyce, that none could heare nor vnderstand: but it so hapned, that the Pope vpon a good Friday went through the parish where Scoggin dwelled, and being about ten of the clocke in the forenoone, hee minded to heare seruice, and so came into the Church where Scoggin was in saying seruice: which wh [...]n hee came to the Passion he read on this manner, and when he said, Whom seeke ye? he made all the Church to ring againe with his voyce, but when he read Iesus of Naza­reth, he spake so softly that none could heare him: and in this order went foreward with his seruice. The Pope who was very deuout noted wel these ceremonies, and was greatly grieued at this order of reading, and wished that he had not come to the Church. But af­ter seruice he sent for Scoggin that he should come and speake with him, who being come, hee said vnto him: I cannot tell Sir where you haue learned to behaue your selfe so vnre­uerently as you haue done this day: for the people to heare your seruice, had no deuotion at all, and why so said Scoggin, marry quoth the Pope, you haue read the Passion to day [Page] like a mad man, for whē Christ speaketh, then you reade like the common cryer, and if Pilate or any of the Iewes speake, then you speake softly to your selfe that no body can here you: Is it well done thinke you? are you worthy to haue a cure: therefore I will take away your Benefice and make you acknowledge your fault: when Scoggin had long giuen care vn­to him, he answered: Is this all you haue to say to me? now by my soule it is true that is commonly said, there are many folke that speake of that wherein they haue no skill, And please your Holinesse, I thinke I know what belongs to my office so well as another, and I would that all the world should know that God is well serued in my parish according to my degree, as in any place within this hun­dred miles, I know there bee other Priestes reade the passion after another manner, the which I can doe, I thanke God, as well as they if I would, but it should appeare that they vnderstood not what they read, for doth it become the knaue Iewe, to speake so low as Iesus? No, no, I warrant you: be ye sure that in my parish God shal be maister so long as I do liue, and let others do in their parish ac­cording to their knowledge. When the Pope [Page] heard this proper reply, he said: Now truly Sir priest, you are a man of good spirit, yet for all this shall you not keepe your benefice any longer, whereupon he was discharged, and an other put in his place.

SCoggin being thus disgraste and turned from his benefice, he attired himselfe like a country seruing man, and went into the country to dwell, where he was hired of a certaine squire that tooke great delight to tra­uell into strange countries to see fashions, the which pleased Scoggin wondrous well: so it hapned that this squire with his man Scog­gin reade vpon a time to see the Cittie of Ve­nice where the old Gentleman had not long soiourned, but in an euening after he had well supped, and filled his head with store of good Wine, yet being not thus satisfied, his minde longed for some further pleasure, as olde men are apt to such wantonnesse when their wits are euer charged with wine: wherefore after [Page] his delicate hée had a desire to taste a small modicum of laste mutton, whereupon hee sent his man foorth for a daintie morsell: So Scog­gin going almost a whole day vp and downe, and could not finde any fitting to his purpose, whereupon he turned backe to his maister and told him he could find none that would please him, why villaine, quoth the old leacher:▪ goe fetch me one or neuer come to me againe: vp­on this commaund away goeth Scoggin and to satisfie his maisters minde, went all about the streetes, and at the last agrees with an old rustie kitchin-stuffe, as foule and as blacke as the backe side of a chimney, who was verie glad to goe to so good a bargaine: So late in the Euening, because his maister should not be suspected, he brought her in at a backe-doore secretly without a candle, to his maisters bed, who put off but filthy foule clothes, and went into bed to him, who tooke great pleasure and delight in her company all the night, till it drew towards the morning: and then shee hauing had all the sport and pleasure that my old maister could doe vnto her, she about day breake prepared herselfe to bee gone, where­at for his owne credit and honestie hee was [Page] likewise well content, she was no sooner rea­die and out of doores, but vp he gets, and loo­ked out of the window after her, to see what a beautifull bedfellow hee had had all night, but when he saw such an il-fauoured raine-beaten and withered peece of stuffe, vp hee called his man Scoggin, and in a great rage for that offence turnes him out of his seruice. Scoggin poore fellow beeing thus maister­lesse, home he goeth to his old mistresse, and telleth her how that his maister hath turned him out of his seruice She being very desirous to know the cause, he saith, I faith mistresse for nothing but this, he sent me to buy him a yong Pullet and I brought him a verie old benne, which hee liked well both in the spitting and in the roasting, but in the mor­ning when hee beheld the feathers that shee moue, it so broyled in his stomacke that hee al­most became sicke euen with a conceit, where­vpon, for this offence onely hath hee turned me away. If this be all (quoth his mistresse) take no care, Ile pacifie thy master I warrant thee. So Scoggin remained with his mistresse till her husband came home, who said to him, I much maruell husband that you will turne [Page] away your man for so small a matter but one­ly for buying you an old Hen instead of a yong pullet, now I pray you husband take him a­gaine, and I will be his warrant he shal neuer be the like offence more, the old man perceiued how his man had excused the matter to re-obtained his fa­uour, he tooke him againe into his seruice.