The harlot passeth by them.

FIe vpon her (said I) she will neuer haue good successe in her suite, The Harlot. she hath such Anticke attire, and doth so trip & go with her Petition: What? a woman of tall stature, and vp­right body? (would she were as vpright in her life & behaui­our) high browes, faire haire? (hath she not robbed the dead for it)? round chéeks, currall lips, dimpled chin, sléeke necke, & slender waste? Tis good if they be not hooks to draw men in, & birdlime to tie the frathers of euery stranger, that none may escape them. But I feare she is (as some say of wanton wo­men) like Circes witches, and can turne vaine glorius fooles into Asses, gluttonous fooles into Swine, pleasant fooles in­to Apes, proud fooles into Peacocks, and when she hath done, scourge them out of dores with a whip.

This is one (said Opinion) whose face is a painted Sepul­cher, The Opinion of a Harlot. whereas her mind is a Tombe full of rotten bones and Serpents: her browes (like the Diamond) containe vertue to relieue, and payson to kill: her lookes are like Calenders, that can determine no certainty, but (as a certaine leafe) which is most drie, when it lookes most moist: so when shee smiles, she imagines deceit, and her laughters are tempered with enuy & reuenge: her vows are but as words written in the wind: her promises Caracters figured in the aire: her flat­teries, figures grauen in the Snow, which are blowne with the wind or melted with the Sun: and her loue, like the pas­sage of a Serpent ouer a stons, which once past, can neuer bo­séene. She will promise mountaines, and perform Molehils. She will say she loues with Dido, and yet faine with Crefi­da: follow Demophon with Phillis, and yet be more strag­ling [Page] then Luna: she hath smiles (at her wish) to bewitch, and teares (at command) as the Crocodile, to betray. If thou proffer her any thing, she will pockeeat all: if thou hast gold, she is a Horsleach, and will not out of thy bosome: but shée hates an empty purse, as the Hyenna doth the fight of a man, and wil flie from thée, when thou art poore, as the foule from the Faulion. In plaine termes, she is a proud prorhane Har­lot. And were she not prophane, what Athiest would frequant her? were she not bawdy, what Puncquatero would shew his rotten tèeth to her? Were she not ridiculous, what country Gentiles would come to her? Were she not full of toyes and gewgawes, what Citizens would flocke to her? In a word, Were she not as she is, she would be like a Politician with­out a profound head, like a flatterer without a glib tongue, like an Astronomer without eyes, a Musitian without hea­ring, a Souldier without hands, a Porter without a strong backe, a Gentleman vsher without straite legs, a Lackey without féete, in no reputation. But it is not so with her, for she is a Bona Roga: and the Petition which she comes to pre­sent, must néeds (no doubt) bring some good fruite, from that corrupt trée.

Vouchsafe to looke vpon the lines of your humble Petitio­ner, The Harlots Petition. who from fifteene yeares of age hath hene a woman of no carriage, liuing alwaies chast both in towne and countrey, and haue had much dealing with many of great ability, till of late that I failed of your furtherance, and missed many of my customers. For whom, when I made a secret inquisition, and priuie search (fearing they had made a voyage to settle them­selues in Virginia) I met some of them prepared for Tiburne, others I found encountred with Counters, and some laid vp in houses of Hospitalitie: which vnexpected sight did so ap­paleme, that forthwith I thought good to present this Peti­tion vnto you: requesting that such as are my wel willers, may haue some longer continuance of your fauours, and not tast so sodainly of your frownes, (which will be my vtter vndoing) so long as they haue money or meanes. But when they are de­stitute [Page] of both, then cast them off, let them steale and be han­ged: which if they deny, I wish you send them farre enough: for there is nothing more combersome, then impecunious hangers on.

There be also some of the officious (to whom I wish none of your fauours) as the onely causers of our ouerthrowes. Where there is one of these officers, I would there were twentie. For they hunt vs like Hares, & ferrit vs like Conyes. They tie vs to stakes like Beares, and whip vs like Iades. They driue vs from post to piller, that were we not predestinate as it were to liue chast, they would compell vs euen against our Fate to become chast, they do so chase vs from countrey to citie, from citie to suburbes, from houses and husbands, to cousens and allies, where we leade a life like brute beasts among grasse, trees; &c. Or liue like the old water-Nymphs, or Fairies (which pinched poore men) in wels & ditches. As Shorditch & Clarkenwell. I therefore sue to haue an Habeas Corpus serued vpon them, especially certaine little Annimals, called Beagles, who seeing poore Does prostrate before their feete, haue notwithstan­ding the heart to hurt, and draw blood from their ribbes and shoulders.

The Baude commeth to the Harlot.

GOe thy wayes, The Baude. thy fooles bolt is shot a Cookheight a­gainst the starres, which will light vpon thine owne head. Here is a Petition indéed, if all Petitions should be granted. But there is another come vnto her, she should be a yong woman by her great belly: but now she yawneth, I sée the marke is out of her mouth, she walloweth like a Sow with pigge, talketh very imperiously, & is clad most modestly But I mistike one thing, she cougheth so sorely, are her lungs sound?

Out vpon her (said Opinion) though she speake purely, The opinion of a Baude. sweare sparingly, looke demurely, and walke sagely, yet her life is loathsome, and behauior beastly. She hath her roguish [Page] Rhetorick at her fingers, ends, and can winch, kicke, and fling when she séeth her oportunitie. She goeth to the Church with an ill will, vnlesse to picke a pocket, or to peruert some honest mans wife she is pued withall. But she will bestir her [...]mps to get easie roome in a Theater; and twenty to one she will lure some Buffard to dogge her home at the end of the Play. She liueth by vsury, but here is the difference: the vsurer putteth but ten (ouer & aboue) to his hundreth in the yeare, But she brings an hundreth to ten, nay to two somtimes in a wéeke, Abhominable filth as she is, I wish thée to stop thy eares at her words, for she is a Mer-maide, or rather Mar-maide.

The Spendall passeth along.

ROome for a Gentleman, The Spendall. mark the motion my Masters: his dublet is of the ragged ranke, with neuer a button on it, and his bréeches are very faulty, they must be men­ded, I maruell he buyeth himselfe no better cloathes now his rents begin to come in so fast: Foure paire of yarn stòck­ings would make no great shew vpon those spindle shankes: he looketh very Lentenly and conuneth halting on.

This tottered Colt (said Opinion) which once had high desires, The Opinion of the Spendal hath now lowe fortunes; his thoughts were woont to reach at starres, but now stumble at stones. He was his fathers dotage, and his Mams darling: a toward Springall you will say, when he lay with his mothers Chambermaide at sixtéene: and an vntoward Spendall, when he had lauished the sixt part of a Million before he knew sixe and twentie Birth dayes. He did of late swim in gluttonny, but now is pinched with pennury. He was woont to deuise what to eat, and is now destitute of any food. He hath worne more vpon his backe then the gold (which procured passage for the Asse into the Castle) would defray. His quondam full féeding ma­keth him now took so emptily. His drinking so many healths hath taken all health from him: his so often leaping the pale, causeth him looke so pale: his close following the fashion, [Page] bringeth him now (as you sée) out of all forme and fashion: had he taken time before he might haue lodged in an house like a pallace, as he doth now in a place like a prison, lying like a Nutmeg in a Grate, being the Embleme of vnthriftinesse, the Hierogliphicke of Riot, the picture of the Prodigall, and the Indiuidium vagum of a poore pitifull pennilesse Spendall.

Most humbly sueth a cashierd Caualiere, The Spendal [...] Petition. no Gentleman yet a knights sonne and heire, being richly bequeathed, and well mannered, consorted with men of choice fashion, with women of famous report: much indebted to merchants, and greatly bound to their wiues. But at last wanting present meanes to repay the one, and competent matter to come euen with the other, which did put me to my plunges, that I was constrained to colleague with a Miser, Qui nummos admira­tur: An vsurer that doth make much of money, who vpon some consideration of my good conditions did supply me for a time, but when Doomes-day came, that I should render an account for all, all was gone, my lands were seised vpon, my credite ceased, and I clapped vp amongst Bankrupts, and bor­rowers: where now I must lie like a forlorne wretch, euen rea­die to die for want of reliefe: my friends pittie me, my ene­mies play vpon me. The end of Riot. All flie from me, none come nye me, but mercilesse keepers, and miserable caytiffes, who make me re­member what I learned long agoe.

When I was mounted vpon the chariot of Fortune, Gallants would conuerse with me, Lawyers giue attendance to my suites, Tradesmen cappe to me, Dependants crouch to me, Brokers borrow for me, Vsurers lend me, Flatterets extol me, lusty Lasses aduance me, stoope to me, and hang about my necke like goodly Iewels, as they proue. But now I am tram­pled vnder the wheele of Chance, all is turned topsie turuey, Qui nuper albus eram, nunc sum contrarius albo. Gallants in their Pasquill humours begin to gird at me. Curia pauperibus clausa est. Lawyers haue no feeling of my case: Tradesmen will haue [Page] no commerce with me; Dependants hang downe their heads as if they were going to hanging: Brokers become boiste­rous: Vsurers misuse me. Thus am I vsed for vsing them: thus am I deceiued for trusting them: thus am I despised for imbra­cing them: thus am I become a castaway for casting away my money amongst them. Now there is no wealth left, they are all lost, now my gold is flowne they are all fled, and now am I in want, they are all vanished like vnto an empty cloude. Oh that you would but send some Reuenge vpon some of them, that others of my rancke, seeing some of their fals, may shun the like places, and amend their follies, and they themselues relent, and haue their remorseles hearts turned: if out of their bellies, honestye and vpright dealing should haue no great losse.

The Sergeant attends on him.

VVOuld all our Lusty-Guts would looke in at this looking glasse. The Sergeant. He was as well rigg'd a Pinnace, as some that make a greater shew, and as well mann'd till the boisterous blasts of his owne affections splitted him vp­pon the rocks of Riot. He was as louely as Laeander, before he cast himselfe into the Sea of sensuality, and might in time haue proued a Co-adiutor of his countries weale, had hée closed his cares at the inueigling of Sea-Lures, and shut his mouth when Circe preferred him the cup to quaffe, which turned him to a beast, or more wretched then a beast in these daies, A beggar. But what is he that attendeth him so close­ly in the gowne.

It séemeth (said Opinion) that you neither trust nor are trusted: The opinion of the Ser­geant. Either you haue stood in no need of money, or you want credit to borrow: or if you haue borrowed, you pay ac­cording to promise, and appointment; else he would haue bene so bold as to haue clapped you vpon the shoulder, and bene better acquauited with you, though you cared not greatly for his acquaintance, if euer you came into the precincts of his Iurisdiction: He is an Officer, whose office I disallow not, [Page] but dislike some of his fratrernitie in their extreame execu­ting of their duties, which will fawne like Spaniels, on such as bribe them, and will be inquisitiue after them, where they are sure they are not: But mercilesse Furies to haunt out poore men, which are disable to fée, and féed them with re­wards, and that which sheweth them to be no Christians on the Sabboath day: He is at the best but a decayed Trades­man, or vnthrifty Occupier, which, how dissolutely or base­ly soeuer he liued before, is good inough to be as he is, The quartaine Feuer to a Spendall: the Plague to bad Pay-mai­sters: the Vsurers foisting hound: a necessary naile in the fin­ger of the Common wealth to claw men by the poles.

The countrey Client passeth along.

HE hath neuer a Petition to preferre, The countrey Client. vnlesse against such as are wise enough to keepe their money, while they haue it, and pay duly where they owe. But stay, what is he that noddeth next? if my eye-sight faile me not, a short cor­pulent fellow with a full face, and foule hands, couered like a Capease all with leather, backt with a broad dagger, a long sword which handleth the forepart of his stops very rigo­rously: now is his browne bonnet whipt betwéene his legs, and he stands groping for his Petition.

This man (said Opinion) you sée so plainly attird, is quite tered with following the law: The opinion of the country Client. who though he seeme so plaine, hath as many crooked conditions in his Costrell, as a slight of your finest fashionmongers. If he be Churchwar­den, the Parishoner he maligneth, is summoned vpon suspi­tion, if he giue but a well looking Lasse a good morrow, or good night. If he be Constable, all the Alewines are vndons: If his neighbour trespasse against him, he will neuer for­giue him. He will worship any man for his commodity, but where he neither feareth nor hopeth, He is haile fellow, well met. Cocknies may laugh at him, as he laggeth along the [Page] pauements, and Guls giggle when he passeth by their pro­per personages: but if he could get vantage, he would make them pay for the whole dozen: Let him alone, whether hée haue his Oates, Pease, or Beanes, yet he wanteth no fet­ches. Lend an eare to his Petition, if it be truly speld, hée will coniure somebody.

Long haue I liued, The contrey Clyents Pe­tition. and grieued to see so many citizens be­come Bankrouts, when Lawyers flourish, and breath and braule to the vtter ruine and vndoing of such pooremen as my selfe, who hauing an homely wife and children at home, am compelled to come in Coram to this most deare Cittie, where I lie at exceeding charges, following the Law, which I faine would flie: But necessity hath no Law, for hauing no fees, I may find a Lawyer (adding but a Maister to it) who hath either no Law in his budget, or no conscience in his breast. So my case hath bene considered, and hung so long in Westminster hall, as my fathers Bowcase in mine owne hall, euer since he died, and left certaine lands to be parted amongst his sonnes, who, because we could not deuide them according to euery one of our contents, were contented to crouch to certaine Lawyers, who conceiuing the controuersie, and perceiuing vs at such variance, like our friends and welwillers promised to take our parts: and indeed not to belie them, they haue bene as good as their promises, and haue taken our parts, and not left vs an hole, or part to thrust our heads into. And now we lacke vnde: they come ouer vs with a Quare, which put­teth vs into a Quandary, to be sent farre with neuer a farthing. It were ingratitude not to requite our welwillers and parta­kers, or at least, to wish wel vnto them that we cannot requite. My Petition therfore is, that you would conferre an hundreth marks or two vpon such Pillers, or rather Caterpillers, I mean such markes, as may marke them, to make others marke and beware of them. But for those rare, admirable, miraculous, ho­nest, conscionable, graue deciders, which weigh the matter more then the money, preferre the Commonweale, more then their owne priuate wealth: pleade for the poore, as well [Page] as Nobles: permit the not guiltie, ouerthrow the guiltie; I pray that they may liue many merry and Hillarie termes, for the good of their countrey, and profit of themselues, and their posteritie.

The Hostler followeth him.

SUre, said I, this Petition was neuer of his owne making, it is pincked so Pedantically, The Hostler. cut vpon fustian Phrases, and bound about with Mocke-adoes.

Resolue your selfe (answered Opinion) your countriman in many places is so metamorphosed in maners now a daies, and quaint tearmes, that you shall hardly distinguish Pan from Apollo, but by the habit, and so captious in words, that you can vtter no ward that he will not equiuocate, if the Idiome will beare it. He speaketh so ambiguously, that if his spéech be construed one way, he knoweth how to inter­pret it after another signification, & is not the man you take him, for if you take him for a plaine, silly, honest man at all times, The Hostler leadeth the countrey Cli­ents horse af­ter him. and in euery respect. You haue said enough of him, but I pray you what is he for a man that doth follow him, he hath a sticke in his hand, which he whisketh as he leadeth the horse by the bridle.

He is as full of complement as his maister an Innekéeper: You are welcome Gentlemen, The opinion of a knaue Hostler. is all his eloquence, and that he sheweth as well to a clowne, as a knight. At your entrance into his stable, he will be so obsequious and seruile, that he wil wipe your very horses héeles. He stinketh like a Curri­combe, and smelleth as ranke as Stale. He will giue your horse a pecke of prouender (if it be your pleasure) and steale halfe of it, if you eye him not narrowly. At night he filleth tho racke with hay, but in the morning you shal not find an hand­full, though your horse, nor any other by him eat not a mouth full. If you abide any long time and will hourely looke vnto your beast, as it is best (for the eye of the maister maketh [Page] the horse fat) he can take order for his eating ouermuch, by greasing his téeth with a tallow candle. He loueth drinke likely, and a drab if he be not married. He hath no yearely wages of his maister to maintaine him, but that which guests bestow vpon him. To be briefe with him: at your de­parture, if you giue him any thing in the chamber, when you make cleare with the house, he hath a switch in one hand, and the bridle turned ouer the maine of your horse, standing in readinesse, to hold your stirrop steadfastly, and bid you heartily farewell: But if he finde you miserable, your saddle girts are tied but slackly, and if you like them not, you may mend them your selfe, and if you looke not before you leape, you may perchance rue it. But he will hold your stirrop if you bid him, he dare not deny it, it is a speciall point of his profession, but slackely, and with the head on the one side: and he will bid you farewell (as his maister may heare) and bée hanged, (that he muttereth to himselfe.) Though he be a knaue, yet he is a man of great calling (especially when tra­uellers ride early on their iourney.

The old Seruing man passeth along.

ECce autem alterum, Behold a blew coate with neuer a badge on it, The old Ser­uingman. the crowne of his head like a Franciscans, Leno in facie, he looketh leaue in the face, and lanke in the bel­ly: All his apparrell looke as though they were cast, a signe of a weake stomacke to beare strong liquour. Looke how he kisseth his hand as if he were in loue with it, and licketh the superficies of the floore with his knées. Fie vpon it, how se­monious he is in deliuering his Petition. Those lowe legs, and kissing the hand (if he can cogge, and lie to) would get him a seruice with some in the world, if he would serue thrée or foure yeares for no wages, he should haue halfe a crowne at parting.

Nay (said Opinion) he hath bene long enough in that pre­dicament, [Page] and now can shew nought of his getting, The opinion of the old Seruingman. vnlesse children he dare not father. He was a pretty boy, an hand­some strippling, a proper man: péeuish in his childhood, proud in his youth, and prodigall in his best yeares: He hath wa­sted his portion in hope of preferment: spent his substance, looking for aduancement; consumed quite all, in expectation of some requitall. His greatest felicitie was to court the chambermaids in some corner, & his chiefe exercise to make his maisters friends Seruing­men. dependants drunke. He was trained vp in some péece of a ioyners trade to make legs, and the best part of his Rhetoricke was, I forsooth, and No forsooth. The iniunctios that he was tied to, were to rise at all houres, and to ride in all seasons, eating that which was left, wearing that which was left, and marrying oftentimes that which his maister left. Which sheweth what he was, and is the One that goeth before. Anteambulo of a Gentlewoman, the One that followeth. Subsequent of a Gentleman, the One that sitteth before. Presedent of a Portmantle, or a Cloake bagge.

The widdow with the old Seruingman.

WEll (thought I) though the fellow haue gained smal wages, The Widdow▪ yet hath he great words (wheresoeuer he got them) and can say something for himselfe, though it auaile him little. Let him he trauelling towards Beggers bush, and thinke of his sinnes in his masters Buttery. But stay a while he is in communication with a séeming well demeaned wo­man, some what stricken in yeares, yet well fauoured, and not past marriage.

She may do well you thinke (said Opinion) to make him a man, The opinion of the wid­dow. which made her a woman, when time was (or else there are liers.) But if she be wise, she will not hazard her goods and her selfe. That she hath, she is sure of, and put the case she wasteth any thing her selfe, it will be lesse care, then to haue another to lash it out. The wilde colt may proue a tame horse, but a wilde youth is oftentimes a wilfull man. [Page] Vincere consuetudinem dura est pugna. It is a fore conflict to subdue custome. She leadeth now a single life (a singular life) she hath her necke out of the yoke, she néed not thrust it into it againe, vnlesse she lust. If she can kéepe her selfe as she is, she is well and a wealthy Widdow.

The maide gotten with childe commeth along.

LEt them goe together on Gods name (said I) but hei mi­hi, The maide gotten with childe. what a wofull spectacle is this? faciem pulchram, an amiable face, and louely looke: Prettie soule, why doth she pouder those fresh chéekes with salt teares? Alas, she can scarce wallow, her belly is so full, yet she ioggeth along, though euery foote she looketh to lie downe.

This is one (answered Opinion) whom Nature hath imbel­lished with her rarest ornaments, The Opinion of the maide with child. but fortune furnished with none of her riches. She was poore, therefore despaired of an husband. Light of beliefe, therefore at this time heauy bel­lied. Another Dido to beléeue some wandering AEneas: ano­ther AEnone to credite some wandring Paris: another Phil­lis to trust some swearing Demophon. He promised, and hath fulfilled (but I do not say his promise.) Because he sware he would neuer forsake her, she supposed he would surely haue her: as though he which maketh no scruple to breake the seuenth Commandement, will make any conscience to kéepe the third. The apples were faire, the trée comely, and the di­uell at hand made her fall to them, which procured her fall, and that fall was the cause of this swelling.

If euer any might proffer a Petition for right, The Petition of the maid with childe. or reuenge, I haue as great reason as any, Being a pure and vntoucht vir­gin, voted to Vesta, and deuoted to Chastity, till a venerous villaine with daily assaults and nightly trecheries, neuer left battering the weake bulwarke of my heart with piercing words, vowes, oaths, & protestations, darted from his smooth tongue, till he had surprised me. Hearing him oftentimes sweare, seeing him teare his haire, nay, which is more strange [Page] for a man, weepe in most seeming sadnesse, kisse my hand with feare and trembling, and voluntarily proffer, and performe much feruitude, which I neither desired nor deserued. Being guiltlesse of effecting deceit, was free from suspecting: fearing to breake an oath, or violate a vow, trusted that he had bene possessed with the like feare, (as he was not) at last condescen­ded. Which so soone as he had accomplished, he left me: It is no glory to deceiue a maide, no manhood to ouerthrow the weaker vessell, Yet being outwardly garnished with the gor­geous workmanship of Art and Nature, what labour will not some men take to attaine this vessell? what watchings will they not vndergoe? what wealth will they not wast to com­passe it? And when they haue gotten it, how do they esteeme it? euen a toy to be plaid with for a time, and after too. For so soone as they eye another deuice, they cast away the old, and neuer are in quiet till they are fingering the new, Fie vpon such, they are like warriours of old time, which would spend much cost, and labour to subdue a citie, and when they had brought in into subiection, they would instantly leaue it, and so march to another, &c. Or like the fantasticall fellowes of our time, which cannot keepe long in one cut, but euery foot haue a fling at a new fashion: but all not so, and I would there were fewer that are so.

The Parriter rideth after the maide with childe.

I Sée one a farre off, riding as it were to this maide, he will not be here very soone, The Parriter he is so ill horsed. In the meane time I will acquaint you with a iest not vnfit to be inserted in this place. There was a prettie maide which in her time had many suiters, the first whereof was verie vrgent to haue his delights with her (as I heard a crooked legd knaue terme it:) she being a tender hearted thing, as it séemed this was, after a little willing waywardnesse was wonne, and lost [Page] together. After he had forsaken her, a second came, and ser­ued her in like manner: then a third, and after a fourth, (birds of a feather, they flew all after the foremost.) Being thus handled, she began to ware warie, and forswore tru­sting. In this resolution a fifth came vnto her, whose condi­tion was to trie all, and if they did agrée, he would come no more there. This Gentleman wooing the foresaid supposed maide, set his wit and wealth vpon the tenters, to obtaine his purpose, but nothing could preuaile. She rayled most e­gregiously against his dishonest and vniust request, and scor­ned the motion: which pleased him very well (though he see­med discontented) and married her. The second night they lay together, he began to speake thus vnto her: Thou know­est (swéet heart) how earnest I was to lie with thée before I might lawfully; and I protest, if thou hadst suffered me, we had neuer bene married together. The wife, whether she was halfe a sléepe, or ouer-ioyed, [...]or had the heart of an Owle (which they say causeth women to reueale their se­crets) laide to her left pappe, Gesner. answered him thus. Nay, nay, husband, I was wise enough for that, I trow: for thrée or foure had serued me so before I euer beheld your face. This tale I thought méete to set downe in this place, that if any maide chance to reade ouer this booke, she might take héed how she dishoner her selfe with any, whether she marrieth or marrieth not, for it will bréed future iealousie, though she ne­uer after deserue it. The Parriter serueth a Pro­cesse, &c. But now the horseman is alighted and readeth something to the maide gotten with childe, what he is I cannot certainly say, but I do not like his looks, nor that péece of parchment in his hand.

I will not runne (said Opinion) into any particulars wfth him, The Opinion of the Pariter. he is better knowne in the countrey then in the citie. And whosoeuer are intus, or in cute (as I may speake) ac­quainted with him, know him to be an honest man, or a knaue.

The reiected louer walketh along.

LEt him returne that answer to the Court, and sée if they can haue an action of slander against you, The Louer. and obserue him now that commeth next with his Petition, so trimly tricked vp: not a haire amisse with him, vnlesse that which hangeth on the one side of his shoulder, what a pourblinde Earber was he which polled him last. Come a little nearer me, I sée now, he can make his old cloake serue the turne, in the last edition newly corrected and augmented, laced and in­terlaced. He hath a stiffe necke, which God hateth, and a strait dublet, which no faithfull drunkard can indure, for if he had it but one sitting, he would not leaue if worth a button: but the fashion of his bréeches, sure he had an honest Tayler, else hee might haue taken as much from both the out-sides next his knées as would haue made him two ends of a wallet, which now are very like a paire of Smiths bellowes, standing with the smallest ends vpwards. A swéet youth no doubt, for he hath two Roses on his shoes to quallifie the smell of his féese, if he haue no sockes, or one would make a Pope of him, and kisse his toe. But why doth he sigh so déepe­ly, and looke so sléepily?

This finicall fellow is no foole, although he be none of the wisest: he cares no more for money (if he haue it) so he may please his mistresse, The descrip­tion of the Louer. then for such mettall as serues onely for seruile exchange: He can fit his humour to euery estate. If he be among Schollers he hath Aristotle at his fingers ends and euery phrase smels of Cicero. He can shew wit in quicks of Sophistry, and reading in disputations of Philosophy. A­mongst Courtiers he ran braue it out as well as the rest, and court women, with most louing and amorous prattle: with them he is in his Q. and kéepes the old text, Bonum est nobis esse hic. But their company so besets him, that he forgetteth with Vlysses to stop his eares, and therefore the Syrens put him to shipwracke. He carrieth not the Antidote of Caueat Emptor, against the alluring baites of their beautie, and therefore Folly (for the most part) is his next hauen.

[Page] He remembers not, that the eyes of wicked women are snares, and their words charmes; that their deceipt is much, their desires more, The Louers Petition. and their couetousnesse most; which the more it drinkes the more thirsty it is: their consci­ences like a Pomice stone, light, and full of holes: whose loues are for lucre, whose hearts are light on his person, and whose hands are heauy on his purse. If he hit vpon a Curte­zan that is a little coy, though she be altogether vnchast, his delight is to be on her lappe: there he lies at racke and man­ger, & thinkes there are no more maids then Malkin. There he sitteth like Sardanapalus, dallying with the flame, till he burne in the fire. So as in the end, comming home by wée­ping Crosse, he buyeth repentance with too deare a price, and becommeth at last, A fond, despised, and reiected Louer.

Being worne with griefe, and wasted with discontent, I am constrained to seeke remedy and some ease to my minde, which you may affoord by doing reuenge vpon an inconstant Female, who plighted her faith to me, & priuatly proclaimed me the sole Lord of her Microcosm: but before I was installed I was forestalled by the vndermining perswasions of a treche­rous vsurper, who with his seruile curtesies hath insinuated himself into my dominiōs. Who would trust the wind? A wo­mans words: who would relie vpon a broken reed? a womans oath. They sigh for them that hate them, and laugh at most that lo [...]e them. They will haue some that will not, and will haue few that would faine. Some feeling of their folly had he, which when he beheld his neighbors wife hang her selfe vp­pon one of the trees in her husbands orchyard, requested a graft of the same tree, to see if it would beare any more of the like fruite. And no light burthen did that passenger account his wife, who, when the rest in the ship were willed to cast all the bagge and baggage, which did surcharge it, ouerboord, was most willing to hurry his wife into the Sea. Some to shew their learning, or rather ignorance, may make large volumes of Encomi [...]ns in their behalfes, and get perhaps a Iudas kisse, or a flap with a Foxe taile for their labours. For he that hath seene [Page] or read any thing at all of this Common place, shall finde for one Vesta, many vitious; for one Diana, many darlings; for one Lucrece, many lasciuious: did neuer any but Semeramis lie with her owne sonne? Did neuer any but Mirrha twine with her owne father? Did neuer any but Biblis dote vpon her own brother? Did neuer any mistresse but Iosephus tempt her hous­hould seruants? One is no number, I would there were no number of these ones, vpon which if you fall, you will be

The countrey Schoolemaister commeth to the Louer.

IT is happy you are so short, else we had bene wearied with your louely Petition. The Coun­trey Schoole­master. Me thinkes yonder is one that crin­geth to him: all his apparell is not woorth one Marke, yet he hath a hat on his head of the Spanish blocke: put the blocke and his head together and sée what they spell. Well done honest genus and species (for thou séemest inclining as it were, that way by thy habite, and pen and inkehorne) reade a péece of Ouid de Remedio amoris to him, for though he raile vnreasonably against women, yet I am perswaded he doth chastise them, non quod odio habet, sed quod amat.

Atque hoc humanum est (said Opinion) This man you sée which maketh such action with his hands, The Opinion of the coun­trey Schoole­master. as he talketh with the Louer, is one that kéepth a foule coyle in the Chancell or Belfrée of a Church. He is a most horrible Tyrant ouer little children, and makes their bréeches quauer with the shake of his Scepter, alias y ^e Rod. He getteth his liuing, non per se, but for the most part, per accidens. Yet he can teach Grammer and AEsops Fables, for he hath them both in print, translated verbum de verbo. Howsoeuer schollers do estéeme of him, ignorant Hobnailes hold him for a rare Scholler, for he will speake Latine amongst them extrumpere, and scan verses at his fingers ends. He is a man of sharpe learing, which pearceth hard words: he worketh by Rule, like a Car­penter, [Page] and can cast a figure, as if he were a coniurer. He is very curious, and standeth much a vpon points, he may fitly be coupled with the Louer. For either he is enamoured of his own good parts, or in loue with the waiting maid, if he tabled in a Gentleman house, & sometimes winneth her goodwill, but neuer can get her friends consent. To be brief with him, as hee is with his infants, a word and a blow: Hee is the outside of a Schollee, an imperious commander ouer boyes and wenehes, the head maister of the Péepe-taile trade

The old woman married to a yong man commeth next.

SO let them all walke Newgate fashion, two by two: Who is that which hobleth next? Christ blesse the woman: The old wo­man married to a young man. So, wipe your mouth with your Handkerchiefe after your coughing and spitting. Her forehead is wrinckled like a pa­per lanthorne, which boyes make: with two thinne chéekes, like two washt trenchers, betweene which, her nose séemeth like the socket, wherein the snot stands like a péece of a far­thing Candle. Her mouth like a Caue with two clap doores, to wit, her two lips, without a bolt, that is without a tooth, containing a Pilgrime, a wandring tongue, which mouth (like a Caue) standeth like a Caue betweene two sharpe pointed hils, whose tops do almost touch one another, her Nose and her Chinne.

Mocke Age (said Opinion) and sée how you will thriue. This toothlesse, The opinion of the old woman mar­ried to the yong man. saplesse, sencelesse Beldam, was wife to an honest substantiall man, who during his youth endured much labour in gathering riches to maintaine himselfe in yeares, and her, if she should be superstes, or out liue him, as she hath. So she had all he left (which was sufficient) at her owne di­sposing, who was bad enough disposed as it séemed: For as soone as her husband was surely buried, she was all on the hoite, she could not lie alone. An husband was all her care, and many graue men she had choice of, but she gaue small in­tertainement [Page] to any of their haire, she had rather haue the legge of a Larke, then the body of a Kite: yet the feathers hang in her Maw, which she cannot digest nor vomite, till death lance her throate with his razor. Her Petition will re­ueals all, for women cannot kéepe their owne secrets. Onely this, she is, as it were, a bush of thornes thrust to the hinder parts of a Colt. A verie old woman married to a young man.

Though I might haue bene better aduised by my friends, The Petition of the old wo­man married to the yong­man. forewarning (I confesse) yet since I am in the like pickle as o­thers, and haue had no lesse misfortune then they, I may wa­ter my woes, and cannot chuse but put vp my Petition with theirs. Who as it is well knowne, was wealthy, and therefore soone wonne: an old woman, and therefore soonest wronged by a beggerly varlet: who at my first view seemed so ciuilly behaued, as none could mislike him: so well proportioned, as I could not chuse but like him, especially hauing an honest vo­cation, as he professed, and was well descended though a yon­ger brother, which had his portion to take, as he brought me Certificate. But now I perceiue these were but trickes to catch Dotterils. His smooth tongue being his onely friend, the lleight and craft of his hands, his onely handie-craft, his pro­portion his onely portion, which he had to take. For after wee were married he soothed me vp, till I shewed him my sub­stance, and improuidently without any further trial, commit­ted it to his tuition: which when he had made sure, he handled me most ingratefully: neuer touching my lips but with his fist, nor warming my fides, but with an ell I vsed to measure cloath: alledging that if I exclaimed against him, he might safely sweare, he did neuer beate me without measure. Hee would not be contented to waste himselfe and my riches a­mongst whores and roysters all the day: but at vnseasonable times, when I was in bed, rush into my house with his queans at his heels, & rouse me out of my rest: make me to remake my bed with fresh sheets for his Truls, & would leape in amongst them, I being compelled to hold the candle to the Diuell, [Page] whilest he did his deeds of darkenesse: Thus did he vse me, till I complained to Authoritie which relieued me, reuiled and ex­truded him my house and company. Then did he depart like a Sheepe-biter, retiring himselfe into a priuate chamber, cast off his guilded Rapier, spruce leather Boots, and Spurres, got him a Cloake without laces, made a Dublet with a falling choller, wore Gloues of sixepence a paire on his hands: no points on his Breeches, but at the wastband: a paire of sad coloured stoc­kings, tied vp straight with Garters no broader then an Vsu­rers belt, and his Shooe-latches bound together with russet Inckle: frequented Sermons, sent me most passionate letters, that he had renounced Roisters, abiured whores, setled him­himselfe to a stayed and religious course, and that he shamed to appeare in the place I dwelled, he had so wronged me and himself. But if I would go into the country with him, he would purchace some conuenient place, where he might liue solitarie from all company, but my selfe, and seruants. His fained re­pentance seemed so heartie, and his flattering lines wrought so with me, that we became attoned, made money of all, and went together, and for three or foure dayes he vsed me kindly and lay very quietly with me in the nights, but the fifth night (being farre from my friends) when I was fast asleepe, and ne­uer dreamed of any such matter, stole all I had, & ranne away, what way I cannot heare, or learne any tidings.

The Clarke commeth to the old woman.

THis is the end of liquorice, The Clarke. when a woman hath neuer a tooth in her head to chaw it. At a glimpse I sée a young man with her. Hath she not yet abandoned the company of men without beards? If hee be not the man she spoke so much of, what is he?

He is one that you shall seldome sée without cleane linnen, The opinion of a Clarke. he weareth good cloathes, and can write a legible hand: hee [Page] hath a little learning, and will shew it all if you conferro with him: when he rideth abroad with his master, hée car­rieth two hats, and walketh with a case of Rapiers, one by his side, the other in his hand, his masters and his owne. At dinner or supper, either at home or elsewhere, he waiteth at his masters elbowe with a trencher at his backe, yet hée can reach a cleane voider to any of the table, if he take a liking to the péece he hath en his foule trencher, he marrieth his masters daughter sometimes, which hee hath stolne away, (God a mercie Oportunitie.) He can make bonds and obliga­tions to pleasure the parish, if their Uicar haue not so much Latine, and indite a loue letter for himselfe or his fellowes: if any misdemeanour be committed neare him, when com­plaint is made thereof, he writeth warrants to apprehend the offendors. He is a Iustices Clarke, which may warrant this old woman for getting her husband or her goods againe, though she pray, and pay neuer so many warrants.

The yong woman commeth married to an old man.

ANother passeth on passing portly, The young woman. a swéete woman, she smelleth hither: and a rolling eye she hath, it turneth with a trice on both sides: a faire haire, if it be her owne: a rare face if it be not painted: a white skinne, if it be not pla­stered: a full breast, if it be not bolstered: a straite backe, if it be not helped: a slender waste, if it be not pinched: a likely legge if it be not lined: a pretty foote, if it be not in the Shoomakers stockes: a faire, rare, swéete, méete body, if it be not dishonest.

Your supposes pose me (said Opinion) neither can I say or gainesay. The opinion of the young woman mari­ed to the old Man. Nature in beautie is better then Art; yet Art in shew surpasseth Nature. She is proudly attired, yet per­chance humbly minded: loftily aduanced, yet it may be low­ly descended: vildly suspected, yet peraduenture vertuously addicted. The world now adaies is round with such as shee [Page] is, and too rash in their censures: condemning such as are innocent, and quitting many that are culpable: but that which is past mending is past medling withall. Therefore leaue it, and looke vpon this lustre: faire she is and ver­tuous: riches she enioyes, yet hath no great ioy of riches: married she is, yet I make question, whether she bée a maide or no, being a young woman married to a verie olde iealous man.

My requests are not vnreasonable, The Petition of the young Woman mari­ed to the old Man. nor voide of good cause, being a woman of tender age, as your eyes may witnesse, and of a vexed spirit, as these lines will manifest: that would chuse rather to be laide in my graue then on my bed; feede of the wormes, then eate with such a worme-eaten old iealous husband as I doe: whose age I doe reuerence, and find fault with no deformitie, which time hath thrust vpon him, but with his causlesse suspitions, and immerited mistrusts of me. For did he hemme more then a towne of Taylers, or hawke oftner then a countrey of Faulkners, I could endure it, I am so enured thereunto: were the parts of his body neuer so nauseas & detestable, I could away with thē, so his reason were sound and sauory: but his wisdome (like his eyes) is sunke into his head, too farre for hereafter appearing: his will stronger then his breath: his vnderstanding feebler then his fingers: and his iudgement corrupter then his body. The praise of some olde Men. It is an admiration to see the difference of some of his yeares, how directly they will talke, what maiestie is in their lookes, what wisedome in their discourse? Not a word without his weight, not a sen­tence without good sence: not a deed vnlesse absolutely per­formed. They will blame nothing that is not blame worthie, nor condemne any without assured reason. But my Zelotipus raileth without reason, knocks his staffe against the stones, blames me without offence. Oh that some good Fortune would therefore cure me of this care, and salue me of this sor­row: For neuer shall I reape dayes rest, nights content, houres quiet, minutes mirth, so long as I haue this impostume in my head, this pinne and webbe in mine eye, this canker in my [Page] nose, this scabbe on my lippe, this iealous old husband.

The Cuckold passeth along.

SUfficnt for this theame, another doth appeare or rather péere. The Cuckold Heauens secure my sences, if I be not distracted, he is a Proteus, a Camelion, an Omnigatherum, God make him an honest man, for I would be loath to make any one such a one as he is.

He will trouble me to paint him, The Opinion of a Cuckold (said Opinion) I know not what coulours to lay vpon his face, for some times he is of a sanguine complexion, sometimes he looketh pale, some­times tawny, or Moritawny, like Tobacco. Neither can I tell how to frame him, for he is sometimes tall, sometimes lowe, sometimes grosse, sometimes gracile. Nor expresly say what vocation he is of, for sometimes he is a Citizen, some­times a Farmer sometimes a Lawyer; sometimes a Schol­ler, &c. He hath a proper woman to his wife, yet common, he toyleth to maintaine other mens labours, yet he reapeth that which he neuer wrought for, he wasteth all the corne in his owne hatches on other mens Barnes, yet he kéepeth that which he neuer got, But to draw you out of this Laborinth [Page] with one line, Cornu ferit ille, If he haue not Cornes on his Toos, he hath Hornes on his Head. He is his wiues foole amongst her copesmates, wanton wenches pastime amongst themselues, and wagges game to play at with two fingers.

The olde Souldier commeth along.

BUt stay, heeres an other limpeth a long: pitty a mee, an Hetaroclite, The old Souldier. hee lacketh an hande. There are scarres on his face, would scarre a timorous body to behold: he looketh grauely, as though he had not long to liue, and leaneth vpon his trunchion, as if his body were about to fall away: come alongst lustily, and halt not before thy freinds. Sure hee is a man of worth for hee hath his hangers on.

Your iests (said Opinion) are too tart, The Opinion of the old Souldier. and your merry­ment ouer much vpon so monefull a Man, which deserueth to be pittyed, rather then to be plaide vpon, and meriteth re­leife more then mocking. He hath borne Armes, howsoeuer now hee be disarmed: he hath had a sword to stieke by him, though now he hath no other weapon then a stieke in his hand: he hath lost his limmes but not in some druncken fray, and got those Cycatrices, but not in the defence of any Cocatrices: He hath fought against the walles of the enemy but neuer fought against any for the wall, as he walked in the streete. He will not stabbe for the lye, and yet he will [Page] not take the lye in his Countries disgrace. Hee is none of your swashing Captaines, that vsurpe the title, when they neuer fought vnder any coulours but Venus-es: and they will dye rather then they will flye from her coulours. Neuer handled peece, vnlesse of meat, bread &c. Neuer discharged shot vnles in a Tauerne where they met with too hot shots sometimes for their discharging. Neither is he any of your counterfet Duello's, discoursing of battailes they neuer came neare, telling of monsters they neuer beheld, vnles in a pain­ted cloath: swearing they were hurt in the defence of Chri­stianity against Mahomotistes, when if they were wounded, it was at Groyne at farthest. He is no Triton of his owne praises: nor Chronologer of his olde exploites, he is an ar­rant Coward in wrangling brawles, a more Crauen in vn­iust conflictes, a very Pigmey in paltrey frayes: but in a iust cause as valorous as Hector, and as puissant as Hercules, a true, faithfull and religious Souldier.

My humble sute is for better Fortune, The Petition of the old Souldier. for men are now be­come so ingratefull and hard hearted, that they doe not con­sider those which haue bene their friends, nor reward such as when neede serued, warded them from imminent distresses: the times past no man thinkes vpon: the time to come few dreame of: but all are for the time present. A Souldier hath helped them, and now God helpe Souldiers, for not many will: a souldier may helpe them, and then may helpe himselfe, and then they will helpe him also: but now a Souldier doth them no good, and therefore they will doe him as little. They liue in peace, that bringeth plentie, and that pride: but pride may haue a fall, and peace and plentie their hoods turnd ouer their heads: which I neither wish nor pray for, but if they haue, Spernitur orator bonus, horridus milos amatur. In the meane time, we, who haue wholly decayed our limbes, and impouerished our estates in the warres, may shew our scarres to vncompassionate eyes, and receaue no further helpe then Christ helpe you, good words, would we were able: good wishes for themselues: when as the superfluitie of one paire of their [Page] shoe-ties would yeeld vs much comfort: but I cannot, nei­ther will I goe about to condemne any absolutely, the world is so pestered with idle vagabonds, which vnder the name of Souldiers and forged pasports, haue so wronged some, that it withdraweth the hearts of most from conferring their bene­uolence vpon any: for I am perswaded that no true borne spi­rit will deny some reliefe to a true Souldiers in his want. And Preheminence hath allowed them well, though it be ill e­nough distributed in some places: the fault is not in the giuers, but of inferiours which are put in trust to dispose it. But the God of war hath so many Apostataes, that the true borne, fare the worse for the illegitimate. This boone I therefore craue, that all the ranks of rogues, and runnagates, shrouding them­selues in the cast-suites of Souldiers, might be rooted out, or sent vpon a boone voyage to the new found Land, by which meanes Hens & Capons may sit at roost quietly in the night, and pecke about the garth all the day: shirts and other nape­rie hang vpon hedges, till the Sun set, shops be kept shut, and windowes stand vvide open to let in aire, vvithout feare of Creepers, to the great comfort both of citie, and countrey.

The Prentise cometh along.

VVHen the Lion was old, The Prentise. the Asse came and kicked him: and when a Souldier hath lost his limmes, euerie coward will crow ouer him. I would say more in thy behalfe, and doe as much as I speake, if I were able. But I am anti­cipated by the spéedie entrance of another, with his cloake clapt vnder his left Arme. A prettie youth, very decently ap­parelled, but he goeth very fast, as if he went of an errant, what may he be.

He may be a man (said Opinion) if he liue, The opinion of the Pren­tise. an honest man man if he liue vpright. A sound man, if he flie surfets, and whores: a thriuing man if he shunne riotous company: a rich man, if he be thriuing: a Sheriffe, if he be a rich man: [Page] An Alderman if he be a Sheriff: A Maior, if he be an Alderman: a Knight if he be a Maior: But yet he is a Prentise.

Diuers are the calamities of some of my rancke, The Petition of the prentice and many the miseries they are exposed to, faring hardly, and labouring hardly: but such as will we are Gold must get it, they which will wynne honour must wage with many aduentures: He which thincketh to proffit must cashier the very thought of pleasure, Ryding with care and running with paine: Sitting with prouidence, and lying with consideration: Eating with frugality and drincking with moderation: Synce therefore honorable men must endeauour for Renowne: Learned men study for their knowledge: Richmen labour for their gaines: Tradesmen trauell for their Sciences: All men, (which will liue like men in their age) labour like beasts in their youth, vnles they haue Lands to trust to: My meaning is not to dis­parage learning, because it is hard to attaine dispraise honour, because it is difficult to get: discourage Prentises, because their beginnings are laborious: for I haue read that the base of Pernassus is full of briers, thornes, and thistles, but the toppe, plaine as heauen, & smooth as the Moones face. I haue heard that the steppes which ascend to honour, are like the staires which mount to the hight of a Maze, many and endles. The dores conducting thervnto, infinite, and intricate, but the top like the toppe of Olimpus, and the roomes pleasant, and spa­tious, garnished with more then mortal obiects. And I know by Experience that the skill and secrecy of mechanicall Artes, are not got (like a loose woman) at first sight. Neither will yeild any great proffit at first labouring, any more then a barrein ground at the first sowing, I doe not there­fore Cauill with my calling, nor am pensiue for the paines I indure; but the originall of all my sorrow is a Mistresse so peeuish, proude, petulant: oh si fas dicere. She came naked into the Citty and shall returne naked out of the citty, vnles she doe pennance with a white sheete pind about her when she is dead, as she deserueth now she liueth. Her Mother is very [Page] well knowne for a poore woman, but I thinke she neuer knew her father. My honest maister married her for loue, and had nought with her, and he is likely to haue nought so long as he hath her: yet she flaunteth with the finest, and gaddeth a­broade with the giddiest: looketh for greater seruice then an Empresse; and more duty then a Dutches: enuying all that are more brauely trapped then her selfe, and confederates with few, but such as are wantonly entrapped as she is. Her Wenches feele the weight of her light fingers, and we haue many a peale wrong about our eares too: We waite all the day to serue our maisters Chapmen, but when any of her Customers come, we are sent abroade on a sleeuelesse errand, and then what becomes of our maisters ware? I doe now wish that some faire Chaunce may light vpon her, to rid my suspectlesse maister of so foule a mischiefe, both for his owne sake and welfare, and the future quietnesse of his tru­stie Seruants. But to all good Mistresses, whose conditions are contrary to hers, I do wish Fortune to poure vpon them the aboundance of her fauours.

The Mal-content walketh along.

VVEll said yong Prentise, The Male-content. Macte tua virtute puer, Sic i­tur ad astra. Procéed as thou hast begun, and doubt not to become a good Common weales-man, when thou hast gotten thée a bigger purse, a better office, and a larger beard. Another ioggeth along, spurning the pauement as if he were angry with it. For shame let not thine hat hang ouer thine eyes? Dost thou dispaire of thy face, thou maskst it so with thy cloake? hold vp thine head like a man: and pinne thy band thou slouen; Button thy wrists, it is wholesome, and garter thy stockings it is hansome.

His thoughts (said Opinion) are as confused, The Opinion of the Male-content. as his appa­rell: he brableth with his starres, & brauleth at his creation: he wisheth the Caule which wrapped him in his mothers [Page] wombe, had bene his winding shéete: and he which breathed that Promotheon fire into him, had put it out. The welfare of others is his bane, and their ruine Balsamum to him: He thinks better of himselfe then he diserueth, and worse of o­thers then they demerit: He preacheth that which he will not follow, & followes that which no true Christian will preach: his words are lightning, which though they alight vpon all, yet they fire few: what he thinketh, he bolteth out without charity. He wipeth vices taile with his tongue, and that is the reason his words are so vnsauory. He is like a bauling dog, that barks at all that gallops on horseback, when he goes a foote: like a mad dogge that snappeth at all that méete him: like a mastiffe that worrieth oftentimes such as come neare him. He is other mens foe, and none of his own friend: he dis­liketh both extreames, and thinketh meanely of the meane: he is a Misanthropos, which hateth men, a Narcissus which loueth not women, a Diogenes which carpeth at all, a maliti­ous Mal-content.

If you tender the welfare of a Discontent, The Mal-contents Pe­tition. whose perturbed Spirit, haunteth you in this white sheete, poure downe your disastrous accidents vpon the worlds wasters, disorders, vice, and villany. Say this Petition be preiudiciall to many: many haue stradled ouer the like style, and more would walke in the same path, were they not extruded and excluded. What rare Machiauils (right matchlesse villaines) how many be dire­cted to the Barathrum of beggery, so they be mounted vp­pon the heauen of honour? What remorse hath a reprobate who starue and want cloathing, so he be full fed, and gor­geously arrayed? I am no Spaniell to fawne vpon men, nor little Puppy to licke the excrements of women. The Diuell domineereth like a great commander, and his souldiers march vnder the colour of honesty, which now a dayes is accounted like a strumpet, He which vseth it shal die a begger. Couetousnes is become a Tradesman, and Pride his wife. Drunkennes the onely sociable companion, & Lechery the sole good fellow: Gluttony is a great man, and Enuy a yonger brother: Sloth [Page] hath got a liuing: Oh Sodome, thou wast fired for thy sinnes, yet thy sinnes escaped, and range hic & vbi (que), Old Tyre, thou wast deiected, new tires are erected: Redit or bis in orbem. The Asse hath got on the Lions skin, lusty Harts cast their horns a­mongst the Faunes: Spiders make their Cobwebs in kings Courts: little Conyes vndermine huge Castles, and pull the wals vpon their owne heads: Omnium rerum vicissitudo. Free­men are become slaues: Rich men turnd beggers: Beggers changed to rich men, Asperius nihil est. Oh tempore, oh mores! Beasts lie in houses, Serpents craule in corners, Cookes keepe in citties, Dawes in old Churches, Wag-tailes in great places: Saint Peters Vicar is turnd Myner, and doth trafficke with Salt-peeter; Monstrum informe, ingens, cui lumen veraepietatis est ademptum.

The poore Scholler walketh by.

HE fisheth finely and is likely to catch Carpes, The poore Scholler. and pow­tings. But what Mounsier Male-goe is this, that com­meth next, so displaying the fretted Tuffe-Taffity-facing of his thread bare cloake? Cannot he walke vprightly like an honest man, but iet it so like a Iennet, and wagge his head to and frolike a Weathercocke? Fie vpon it what Rusticall lagges he maketh like a Tennant, or a countrey Curate, which neuer came any nearer to an Uniuersity then Lincolne Minster. Odit prophanū vulgens, He is none of your Plebei­ans in his own conceit, but Apollos godson, christened in the Pirenean, or Hyporrenean fount, he is a common Souldiour vnder Mineruas ensigne, and fighteth like a Grammer schol­ler with Pen and Inkhorne.

Oh forbeare (said Opinion) doe not beray your owne nest, The Opinion of a poore Scholler. turne not student of the law, & forget your old Academi­call associates: yet I thinke you speake not this out of malies to the parties, but of meere loue, that they séeing their foolish gates gibed at, may amend them: for theere are some of your [Page] peart Iuuenals, that mince it, as if they were citizens wiues: and yet I will not say that it procéedeth from any pride, or o­uerwéening conceit in all that do so: but of an ill habit, which they haue gotten by a careles and fantasticall carriage. But let that passe, and ile shew you what this present Petitioner is: to wit, One which though he did neuer eate Porridge in the Innes of Court without a spoon [...], yet he hath made foule shift to deuoure his dinner in a Colledge without a Trencher; though he cannot carue a Capon without the helpe of a Cleauer, or vnlace a Rabbet like a cunning Car­uer. Rostra disertus amat, yet he can eate rost well enough to please himselfe. He is a King in his owne conceit: and hath more in him then euery one can conceiue: He deserueth better fauour then the world affordeth him: and yet he hath as good fauor as any in the world which hath no better then he hath: How he hath bene estimated in former times, it bootes him not, yet he hath Bootes when he rideth, though he borrow them. To be short, and serious, he is reiected of fools, respec­ted of the wise, held in disgrace among prophane, but in re­uerent reputation with those, which are sincerely religious, Nothing regarded by the couetous and base minded churles, but greatly rewarded by the liberall and truly descended Gentilitie, a Scholler.

Would it not grieue that gentleman, The poore Schollers Petition. which had sold his sig­nories, and spent the mony vpon hopes of preferment, and in fine, behold his inferiours aduanced, and himselfe obtaine no greater reward then faire promises and faithles protestations? Would it not kill that Souldiers heart with grief, which when he had lost his limmes, and left his liuing for his Countreys good, returning feeble, and decrepit to his natiue Countrey, to be Caged, Stockt, and baited with Beadles? And would it not pine that Scholler, and make him looke like the vicar of Saint Albones, that hath bene brought vp seuen yeares vnder the lanching lash of a left-handed School-master, & after that feed with 3. penny chops, & very singular beere in an Vniuer­sity, rose early, & watched late, Per tot discrimina rerū tendimus [Page] ad latium, thorough many troubles we attayne to Latine, and after all this, to be a poore Pen-an-Inck-horne wearer, a Pe­dagog, one that teacheth Schollers for 5. pence the weeke, and at the quarter day is glad to take choake-cheese, and bar­rell butter for the Summa Totalis: Proh deum, atque hominum fidem. Oh that some fellow which had but a little wit, and no wisdome, might trauerse this Parenthesis: Me thinke I ap­prehend him already how vnreasonably he would raile vpon the 7. liberall Sciences, wish Pernassus turn'd to a Molehill, & that Vulcan, when he claue Minerua out of Iupiters braine, had knockt out the braines too, because that he carrying the Muses, as familiars about him, should be pinched with want, when he knoweth many seruile groomes, whose qualities or dimentions are no way surpassing his, promoted from the stable to the table, from the table to the bed. But hoe there Signiour: Hee that can picke any thing out of a painted cloath, may perceiue by fortune painted muffled in a tree, throwing downe vpon some, Crownes: others, military wea­pons: some bagges of Gold, others Sackes of Salt: Some one thing, others another thing: Some must be Kings and ouer­rule all, some must be Souldiers, and fight for their Countrey, some must be husbandmen, and digge commodity from the earth, some must be Astronomers, and plucke proffit from the starres: some must haue more then they can carry, and such are richmen: some must be men of good carriage, and can get little, & such are Porters: some must haue liuings enough be queathed them, and some must not haue so much as an haire left them: some must lead the world in a string, and some must leaue the world in a string: Quae cum ita sint (oh most mutable) I doe not grudge at my calamities, but the causes: Aueroas Maecenasses and dunsticall Dondegoes, which will allow a Scholler no more, that should waft them to heauen, then a Sculler that should cary them alongst the Theams, or any other hauens: Musas facientes Mulos: Making the Muses, Mules, Iades, or Hacknies: For suppose a Scholler (like olde Byas) carrieth all his Lands about him, be intertaynd into any [Page] of their houses, as many be: Though he be a good Grama­rian, one that can chop Logick, and like the freshman, retur­ning from Athens, make three egges of two, and his father eating the two, bad him take the third for his cunning: ima­gine he can pretty well in Philosophy naturall, and metaphi­sicall, tell halfe an hundreth lyes out of Pliny: hath some in­sight in Poetry, and if he had maintenance and countenance would be come a sound Practitioner in the deepest Science: This fellow for all this shal be lodged next the kitchin, where the Cookes, and sculles keepe such a scolding that they will take order for his studying: or in some ruynous roome, where his Masters Fathers Ghost is reported to walke: and Robin­good fellow and Hobgoblins, are said to play their fagayries in the night, so that he will take no rest for sleeping and all the day he shall spend himselfe poaring ouer my Lady Fayne­woulds capable eldest: and three or foure froward (I should say toward) younger Brothers: for which turmoyles his yearely stipend shall be 5. markes, besides the Patrons, or the Widdowes countenance: Which may be so good that few Schollers hauing reasonable Noses in their faces, would be loath to haue it for fourty poundes. Now for his fare, it is lightly at the cheefest Table, but he must sit vnder the Salt, that is an Axiome in such places: and before he take his seat, Memorandum he haue two legs in store, one for the Maister, another for the Mistresse: Then hauing drawne his Knife leisurably, vnfoulded his Napkin mannerly, after twice or thrice wyping his Beard (if he haue it) he may reach the Bread on his Knifes point, and fall to his porridge and be­tweene euery Sponefull take as much deliberation, as a Ca­pon crāming (least he be out of his porridge before they haue buried part of their first course in their Bellyes) And at the second seruice (if there be any such hot seruice) the refuse of the former shall be set before him, but oftentimes like a rifled Souldier, hauing not so much as a good peece left, or like the picture of death, all bones, which putteth him in minde to decline bonus, bona, bonum: but this must be vnderstood to [Page] happen at an hunting dinner, or after he hath whipped his el­dest Scholler, for so long as my young Maister liketh his Scholemaister, and may take no farther at his lesson, then he list, his mother will be most respectiue, but if he once con­tradict him, and printe winger vpon his posteriors, then la­ments are raisd, there is an insurrection amongst the pen-boys Peter Prouin the horse-keeper will doe Zauods that he will. The Cooke will put poison in his porridge, or worke him some other mischiefe, if he durst: then enters the Fleire, like the Chorus in a Tragedy, and telleth all. The mother like a tender hearted Auditor, pittieth the Scene, busseth her boy, and telleth him he shall be beaten no more, No, that he shall not. Thus doth the olde foole hugge young lackanapes, till she spoile him: yet heere is not the full Catastrophe, for she will neuer rest till she haue lifted him out of her house, and will haue another in his roome, it maketh no matter what he be, so he will not whippe her boy and serue for little wages, he will serue the turne: I mary, this maketh so many wilde youthes, and wise aged men: When the earth is not well manured, tilled and ploughed, it is rancke, and sterile, and where youth wanteth nurture, age is ignorant, and ill manne­red. The Beare by licking her whelpes bringeth them into some forme, but many mothers by lolling their children turne them out of all good fashion. The loue of Parents towards them children is naturall and not to be blamed, but this Coc­kering is fond, and hurtfull: Waxe being softe, will suffer any impression, and children being young are as capable of good­nes, if they be trayned vp therafter: as they are prone to knauery without any great inducements. The Colt at first backing will curuet, and winch, but after he hath chancked the bit a while, and felt the Spurre in his side, he becometh more tractable: Not an Hedgeplasher but can say, he which will haue a thorne, must cut a thorne, and if they would haue these tender plantes to proue godly Columnes in the Com­monwealth, let them be lopt, and dressed in drie season: let them be carefully tutored, and encouraged by faire meanes, [Page] and reasonable recreation: If that will not worke with them, vse a stronger potion: Qui non vult, duci, debet, trahi, He that will not goe gently, must be dragged vncourteously: The tranquill gouernement of our commonwealth doth suffi­ciently manifest, how much our Land is blessed with a thrice worthy King: prouident Counsell, vpright Iudges, learned and well educated Gentlemen, zealous Diuines, any cunning Lawiers enow, yet it may be obserued in some places where many are congregated about publique affaires, others shuffled in, which whilst the others are poising the weightiest matters, sit like Cyphers, and if any question be put vnto them. Obmutuerunt; Putas ne verbum potuisse proloqui: They can tell the Clocke dandle their gloues, or play with their forepoints, their Mothers taught them those Lessons, when they satte playing with them vpon their Knees: They thinke they pleasure their Countrey, if they vouchsafe their presence, and grace themselues, if they put of the hatte hansomely, and nod the head with a Clowdy countenance, as who would say, it is an hard case, but Verbum non amplius: And what is the cause of this, but whilst the one kept close at their bookes both at home and abroad in the Vniuersity and Innes of Court, the other were yalping after a Kennel of Hounds, in their youth, or whoping at an Owle in an Iuy­bush. Their parents would not be at the cost to main­taine a good Scholler to traine them vp▪ nor their Mo­thers suffer them to indure any hardenesse, or labour: without which true knowledge cannot be attained: And as many of these are carelesse for the well educating of their children: So most of them are supine and negligent of themselues. What careth the couetous Patron, so he can compound to his contentement: Be he one of Bale Priests, or a bald Priest, if he can read the Authorised Seruice: Be he of what Tribe he will, if he can hoble ouer an homily with a weekes warning: As for monethly Sermons, it is but greasing a Parater; and the [Page] Churchwarden, is his Tennant: he will be sworne on a booke to an omne bene: Infoelix oh semper ouis. Too many places are full of such, which are more meete to be fishermen, then fi­shers of men, and fitter to catch soales, then, soules, which ei­ther behaue themselues like the dogge in the Manger, which neither would eat hay himselfe, nor suffer the beast: Which either keepe the childrens bread from them, or if they giue them any, they doe so mouth it, and mangle it, that it becom­meth most loathsome, comming from such filthy hands, and handling, which I wish were otherwise, that the pouerties of poure Schollers might be pittied, their Petitions preferred, their fortunes bettered, & what is amisse, might be amended.

The Scholler hath frustrated my expectation (said I) for I did expect he should haue wished ill lucke to light vpon his enemies as the others haue. Touching his speech I durft auerre it to be true: For drones driue out the Bees, and the wolues in sheeps cloathing werry the Lambes: They take the tythes, though they take not the paines. Amongst all which I thinke it reason, that that Parson should haue tyth porridge, which out of the heat of a good stomacke (I iudge it was) taught his parishioners wiues in a quarterly Ser­mon fower wayes to heele a pot, when it began to seeth ouer: A right worthy domesticall Chaplin for Helihogabalus, yet if yow marke, it is a profitable dish of doctrine, for unlesse it be fellowed, all the fat is in the fire: But how now? who commeth next? There are many Petitioners behinde. How chaunce they steppe not forward? I perceiue the Beadle is angry, and will suffer no more to be preferred or brought into the Citty, till answer be made to the rest that are already exhibited.