HAH Catzo, your master wants a cleane tren­cher: doe you heare?

cals for your diminutiue attendance.

The belly hath no eares Dildo.

Good pugge giue me some capon.

No capon, no not a bitte yee smooth bully; ca­pon's no meat for Dildo: milke, milke, yee glibbery vr­chin, is foode for infants.

Vpon mine honour

Your honour with a paugh? slid, now euery Iack an Apes loads his backe with the golden coat of ho­nour; euery Asse puts on the Lyons skinne and roars his honour, vpon your honour. By my Ladies panta­ble, I feare I shall liue to heare a Vintners boy cry; tis rich neat Canary, vpon my honour.

My stomack's vp.

I think thou art hungry.

The match of furie is lighted, fastned to the lin­stock of rage, and will presently set fire to the touch­hole of intemperance, discharging the double coulue­ring of my incensement in the face of thy opprobrious speach.

Ile stop the barrell thus; god Dildo, set not fire to the touch-hole.

My rage is stopt, and I wil eate to the health of the foole thy master Castilio.

And I will suck the iuyce of the capon, to the health of the Idiot thy master Balurdo.

Faith, our masters are like a case of Rapiers shea­thed in one scabberd of folly.

Right dutch blades. But was't not rare sport at the sea-battle, whilst rounce robble hobble roard from the ship sides, to viewe our masters pluck their plumes and droppe their feathers, for feare of being men of marke.

Slud (cri'd Signior Balurdo) O for Don Bessiclers armour, in the Mirror of Knighthood: what coil's here? O for an armour, Canon proofe: O, more cable, more fetherbeds, more fetherbeds, more cable, till hee had as much as my cable hatband, to fence him.

Buxome Flauia: can you sing? song, song.

My sweete Dildo, I am not for you at this time: Madam Rossaline stayes for a fresh ruffe to appeare in the presence: sweete away.

Twill not be so put off, delicate, delicious, spark eyed, sleek skind, slēder wasted, clean legd, rarely shap't.

VVho, Ile be at all your seruice another season: nay faith ther's reason in all things.

VVould I were reason then, that I might be in all things.

The breefe and the semiquauer is, wee must haue the descant you made vpon our names, ere you depart.

Faith, the song will seeme to come off hardly.

Troth not a whit, if you seeme to come off quickly.

Peart Catzo, knock it lustily then.

Make place gentlemen; pages, hold torches, the prince approacheth the presence.

VVhat squeaking cart-wheel haue we here? ha? [Page] Make place gentlemen, pages holde torches, the prince approacheth the presence.

Faugh, what a strong sent's here, some bodie vseth to weare socks.

By this faire candle light, tis not my feete, I ne­uer wore socks since I suckt pappe.

Sauourly put off.

Hah, her wit stings, blisters, galles off the skinne with the tart acrimony of her sharpe quicknesse: by sweetenesse, she is the very Pallas that flewe out of Iu­piters brainepan. Delicious creature, vouchsafe mee your seruice: by the puritie of bounty, I shall be proud of such bondage.

I vouchsafe it; be my slaue. Signior Balurdo, wilt thou be my seruant too?

O god: forsooth in very good earnest, law, you wold make me as a man should say, as a man should say.

Slud sweet beauty, will you deign him your seruice?

O, your foole is your only seruant. But good Fe­liche why art thou so sad? a pennie for thy thought, mā.

I sell not my thought so cheap: I valewe my meditation at a higher rate.

In good sober sadnesse, sweet mistris, you should haue had my thought for a penny: by this crimson Sat­ten that cost eleuen shillings, thirteene pence, three pence, halfe pennie a yard, that you should, law.

VVhat was thy thought, good seruant?

Marrie forsooth, hovv manie strike of pease would feed a hog far against Christide.

Paugh; seruant rub out my rheum, it soiles the pre­sence.

By my wealthiest thought, you grace my shoo with an vnmeasured honour: I will preserue the soale of it, as a most sacred relique, for this seruice.

Ile spit in thy mouth, and thou wilt, to grace thee.

In sad good earnest, sir, you haue toucht the very bare of naked truth; my silk stocking hath a good glosse, and I thanke my planets, my legge is not alto­gether vnpropitiously shap't. There's a word: vnpro­pitiously? I thinke I shall speake vnpropitiously as well as any courtier in Italy.

So helpe me your sweete bounty, you haue the most gracefull presence, applasiue elecuty, amazing volubility, polisht adornation, delicious affabilitie.

Whop: fut how he tickles yon trout vnder the gilles! you shall see him take him by and by, with gro­ping flattery.

That euer rauisht the eare of wonder. By your sweete selfe, then whome I knowe not a more exquisite, illustrate, accomplished, pure, respected, a­dor'd, obserued, pretious, reall, magnanimous, boū ­tious: if you haue an idle rich cast ierkin, or so, it shall not be cast away, if; hah? heres a foreheade, an eye, a heade, a haire, that would make a: or if you haue a­ny spare paire of siluer spurs, ile doe you as much right in all kinde offices

Of a kinde Parasite

As any of my meane fortunes shall be able to

As I am true Christian now, thou hast wonne the spurres

Gallants, saw you my mistresse, the Ladie Ros­saline?

My mistresse, the Ladie Rossaline, left the pre­sence euen now.

My mistresse, the Ladie Rossaline, withdrewe her gratious aspect euen now.

My mistresse, the Ladie Rossaline, withdrewe her gratious aspect euen now.

Well said eccho.

My mistresse, and his mistresse, and your mi­stresse, & the dogs mistresse: pretious dear heauen, that

Why man, cry out for lanthorne and candle­light. For tis your onely way, to finde your bright fla­ming wench, with your light burning torch: for most commonly, these light creatures liue in darknesse.

Away you heretike, youle be burnt for

Goe, you amorous hound, follow the sent of your mistresse shooe; away.

Make a faire presence, boyes, aduance your lightes:

The Princesse makes approach.

And please the gods, now in very good deede, law, you shal see me tickle the measures for the heauēs, Doe my hangers showe?

My thoughts are as black as your bearde, my fortunes as ill proportioned as your legs; and all the powers of my minde, as leaden as your wit, and as dustie as your face is swarthy.

Good, why, would'st thou haue vs sluts, & ne­uer shift the vestur of our thoughts? Away for shame.

And pleased the marble heauens, now would I might be the toy, to put you in the head, kindly to con­ceipt my my my: pray you giue in an Epithite for loue.

Roaring, roaring.

O loue thou hast murdred me, made me a shadowe, and you heare not Balurdo, but Balurdos ghost.

Can a ghost speake?

Scuruily, as I doe.

And walke?

After their fashion.

And eate apples?

In a sort, in their garbe.

Pree thee Flauia be my mistresse.

Your reason, good Feliche?

Faith, I haue nineteene mistresses alreadie, and I not much disdeigne that thou shold'st make vp the ful score.

Oh, I heare you make common places of your mistresses, to performe the office of memory by. Pray you, in auncient times were not those satten hose? In good faith, now they are new dyed, pinkt & scoured, [Page] they showe as well as if they were new.

What, mute Balurdo?

I in faith, & twere not for printing, and painting, my breech, and your face would be out of reparation.

I, an faith, and twere not for printing, & poin­ting, my breech, and your face would be out of repa­ration.

Good againe, Echo.

Thou art, by nature, too foule to be affected.

I saw no sunne to day.

Fut, what trebble minikin squeaks there, ha? good? very good, very very good?

Now thou hast seene the Court; by the perfec­ction of it, dost not enuie it?

O, you spoyle my ruffe, vnset my haire; good away.

Item for strait canuas, thirteene pence, halfe penny. Item for an elle and a halfe of taffata to couer your olde canuas dubblet, foureteen shillings, & three pence. S'light, this a tailors bill.

But tis not crost, I am sure of that. Lord haue mercie on him, his credit hath giuen vp the last gaspe. Faith ile leaue him; for hee lookes as melancholy as a wench the first night she

Honest musk-cod, twill not be so stitched toge­ther; take that, and that, and belie no Ladies loue: sweare no more by Iesu: this Madam, that Ladie; hence goe, forsweare the presence, trauaile three years [Page] to bury this bastinado: auoide, puffe paste, auoide.

And tell not my Ladie mother. Well, as I am true gentleman, if she had not wild me on her blessing, not to spoyle my face; if I could not finde in my heart to fight, would I might nere eate a Potatoe pye more.

More foole, more rare fooles! O, for time and place, long enough, and large enough, to acte these fooles! Here might be made a rare Scene of folly, if the plat could beare it.

By the suger-candy sky, holde vp the glasse higher, that I may see to sweare in fashion. O, one loofe more would ha made them shine; gods neakes, they would haue shone like my mystresse browe. Euen so the Duke frownes for all this Cursond world: oh that gerne kils, it kils. By my golden What's the richest thing about me?

Your teeth.

By my golden teeth, hold vp; that I may put in: hold vp, I say, that I may see to put on my gloues.

O, delicious sweet cheekt master, if you discharge but one glance from the leuell of that set face: O, you will strike a wench; youle make any wench loue you.

By Iesu, I think I am as elegant a Courtier, as How lik'st thou my suite?

All, beyond all, no peregal: you are wondred at, for an asse.

Well, Dildo, no christen creature shall knowe hereafter, what I will doe for thee heretofore.

Here wants a little white, Flauia.

I, but master, you haue one little falt; you sleepe open mouth'd.

Pewe, thou iestst. In good sadnesse, Ile haue a looking glasse nail'd to the the testarn of the bed, that I may see when I sleep, whether tis so, or not; take heed you lye not: goe to, take heede you lie not.

By my troth, you looke as like the princesse, now I, but her lip is lip is a little redder, a very little redder: but by the helpe of Art, or Nature, ere I chāge my perewigge, mine shall be as red.

O, I, that face, that eye, that smile, that writhing of your bodie, that wanton dandling of your fan, becoms prethely, so sweethly, tis euen the goodest Ladie that breathes, the most amiable Faith the fringe of your sattin peticote is ript. Good faith madam, they say you are the most bounteous Lady to your women, that euer O most delitious beautie! Good Madam let me kith it.

Rare sport, rare sport! A female foole, and a fe­male flatterer▪

Bodie a mee, the Duke: away the glasse.

Take vp your paper, Rossaline.

Not mine, my Lord.

Not yours, my Ladie? Ile see what tis.

And how does my sweete mistresse? O Ladie deare, euen as tis an olde say, Tis an old horse can nei­ther wighy, nor wagge his taile: euen so doe I holde my set face still: euen so, tis a bad courtier that can nei­ther discourse, nor blow his nose.

Meet me at Abrahams, the Iewes, where I bought my Amazons disguise. A shippe lies in the port, ready bound for England; make haste, come priuate.

Antonio, Forobosco, Alberto, Feliche, Castilio, Balurdo? run, keepe the Palace, post to the ports, goe to my daugh­ters chamber: whether now? scud to the Iewes, stay, runne to the gates, stop the gundolets, let none passe the marsh, doe all at once. Antonio? his head, his head. Keep you the Court, the rest stand still, or runne, or goe, or shoute, or search, or scud, or call, or hang, or doe doe doe, su su su, somthing: I know not who who who, what I do do do, nor who who who, where I am.

Ha ha ha. I could breake my splene at his im­patience.

Lord blesse vs: his breath is more fearefull then a Sergeants voice, when he cries; I arrest.

Vp on his shoulders, that's the fittest place for it. If it be not as fit as if it were made for them; say, Ba­lurdo, thou art a sot, an asse.

Faith sir, I haue the richest Tobacco in the court for you; I would be glad to make you satisfaction, if I haue wronged you. I would not the Sun should set v­pon your anger; giue me your hand.

Content faith, so thou'lt breede no more such lies. I hate not man, but mans lewd qualities.

I thinke confusion of Babell is falne vpon these louers, that they change their language, but I feare mee, my master hauing but fained the person of a woman, hath got their vnfained imperfection, and is growne double tongu'd: as for Mellida, she were no woman, if shee could not yeelde strange language. But howsoeuer, if I should sit in iudgement, tis an errour easier to be par­doned by the auditors, then excused by the authours; and yet some priuate respect may rebate the edge of the keener censure.

This way shee took: search, my sweet gentlemē. How now Balurdo, canst thou meete with any body?

As I am true gentleman, I made my horse sweat, that he hath nere a dry thread on him: and I can meete with no liuing creature, but men & beastes, In good sadnesse, I would haue sworne I had seene Mellida e­uen now: for I sawe a thing stirre vnder a hedge, and I peep't, and I spyed a thing: and I peer'd, and I tweerd vnderneath: and truly a right wise man might haue beene deceiued: for it was

Gods neakes, proud elfe, giue the Duke roue­rence, stand bare with a

Whogh! heauens blesse me: Mellida, Mellida.

Turnd man, turnd man: women weare the breaches, loe here,

Good me no goods. Seest thou that sprightly youth? ere thou canst tearme to morrow morning old, thou shalt call him thy husband, Lord and loue.

Gallantly prick is too long, and stands hardly in the verse, sir.

Ile speake pure rime, and will so brauely pranke it, that ile tosse loue like a pranke, pranke it: a rime for pranke it?

Blankit.

That ile tosse loue, like a dogge in a blanket: ha ha, in deede law. I thinke, ha ha; I thinke ha ha, I think I shall tickle the Muses. And I strike it not deade, say, Balurdo, thou art an arrant sot.

Balurdo, thou art an arrant sot.

AND are you a painter sir, can you drawe, can you drawe?

Yes sir.

Indeede lawe? now so can my fathers forehore horse. And are these the workmanshippe of your hands?

I did lymne them.

Lymne them? a good word, lymne them: whose picture is this? Anno Domini 1599. Beleeue mee, master Anno Domini was of a good settled age when you lymn'd him. 1599. yeares old? Lets see the other. Etatis suae 24. Bir Ladie he is somwhat younger. Belike master Etatis suae was Anno Dominies sonne.

Is not your master a

He hath a little procliuitie to him

Procliuitie, good youth? I thank you for your courtly procliuitie.

Approach good sir. I did send for you to drawe me a deuise, an Imprezza, by Sinecdoche a Mott. By Phoebus crymson taffata mantle, I thinke I speake as melodiously, looke you sir, how thinke you ont? I wold haue you paint mee, for my deuice, a good fat legge of ewe mutton, swimming in stewde broth of plummes (boy keele your mouth, it runnes ouer) and the word shall be; Holde my dish, whilst I spill my pottage. Sure, in my conscience, twould be the most sweete deuice, now.

Twould sent of kitchin-stuffe too much.

Gods neakes, now I remember mee, I ha [Page] the rarest deuise in my head that euer breathed. Can you paint me a driueling reeling song, & let the word be, Vh.

A belch.

O, no no: Vh, paint me vh, or nothing.

It can not be done sir, but by a seeming kinde of drunkennesse.

No? well, let me haue a good maff [...]e ring, with your owne poesie grauen in it, that must sing a small trebble, worde for word, thus; And if you will my true louer be,

Come followe mee to the greene wodde.

Hast writ good mouing vnaffected rimes to her.

Now master Balurdo, whether are you going, ha?

Signior Feliche, how doe you faith, & by my troth, how doe you?

O god, to the Court, ile be willing to giue you grace and good countnance, if I may but see you in the presence.

O to court? farewell.

If you see one in a yellow taffata dubblet, cut vpon carnation valure, a greene hat, a blewe paire of veluet hose, a gilt rapier, and an orange [...]ny pair of worsted silke stockings, thats I, thats I.

Very good, farewell.

Ho, you shall knowe me as easily, I ha bought mee a newe greene feather with a red sprig, you shall see my wrought shirt hang out at my breeches, you shall know me.

Very good, very good, farewell.

Marrie in the maske twill be somewhat harde. But if you heare any bodie speake so wittily, that hee makes all the roome laugh; that's I, that's I. Farewell good Signior.

Good sweete Duke, first let their voyces, strain for musicks price. Giue mee the golden harpe: faith with your fauour, ile be vmperesse.

Sweet neece cōtent: boyes cleare your voice & sing.

By this gould, I had rather haue a seruant with a short nose, and a thinne haire, then haue such a high stretcht minikin voice.

Faire neece, your reason?

By the sweete of loue, I should feare extreame­ly that he were an Eunuch.

So helpe me, youth, thy voice squeakes like a dry cork shoe: come, come; lets heare the next.

Trust me, a good strong meane, Well sung my boy.

Hold, hold, hold: are yee blind, could you not see my voice comming for the harpe. And I knock not di­uision on the head, take hence the harpe, make mee a slip, and let me goe but for nine pence. Sir Marke, strike vp for master Balurdo.

Kneele downe, and ile dub thee knight of the golden harpe.

Indeed law, doe, and ile make you Ladie of the siluer fiddlestick,

Come, kneele, kneele.

My troth, I thank you, it hath neuer a whistle in't.

Naie, good sweet cuz raise vp your drooping eies, [Page] & I were at the point of To haue & to hold, from this day forward, I would be asham'd to looke thus lum­pish. What my prettie Cuz, tis but the losse of an od maidenhead: shall's daunce? thou art so sad, harke in mine eare. I was about to say, but ile forbeare.

I come, I come, more then most hunny-suckle sweete Ladies, pine not for my presence, ile returne in pompe. Well spoke sir Ieffrey Balurdo. As I am a true knight, I feele honourable eloquence begin to grope mee alreadie.

Faith, mad neece, I wonder when thou wilt marrie?

Faith, kinde vncle, when men abandon ielosy, forsake taking of Tobacco, and cease to weare their beardes so rudely long. Oh, to haue a husband with a mouth continually smoaking, with a bush of furs on the ridge of his chinne, readie still to slop into his fo­ming chaps; ah, tis more than most intollerable.

Nay faith, sweete neece, I was mightie strong in thought we should haue shut vp night with an ould Comedie: the Prince of Millane shall haue Mellida, & thou shouldst haue

No bodie, good sweete vncle. I tell you, sir, I haue 39. seruants, and my munkey that makes the for­tieth. Now I loue al of them lightly for something, but affect none of them seriously for any thing. One's a passionate foole, and hee flatters mee aboue beliefe: the second's a teastie ape, and hee railes at me beyond reason: the third's as graue as some Censor, and hee strokes vp his mustachoes three times, and makes six [Page] plots of set faces, before he speakes one wise word: the fourth's as dry, as the burre of an heartichoke; the fifth paints, and hath alwaies a good colour for what hee speakes: the sixt

Stay, stay, sweet neece, what makes you thus sus­pect young gallants worth.

Oh, when I see one were a perewig, I dreade his haire; another wallowe in a greate sloppe, I mistrust the proportion of his thigh; and wears a ruffled boot, I feare the fashion of his legge. Thus, something in each thing, one tricke in euery thing makes me mistrust im­perfection in all parts; and there's the full point of my addiction.

Faith, ile tel thee. Ile no longer burne, then youle shine and smile vpon my loue. For looke yee fairest, by your pure sweets,

Marry but shine, and ile reflect your beames, [Page] with feruent ardor. Faith I wold be loath to flatter thee faire soule, because I loue, not doat, court like thy hus­band; which thy father sweares, to morrowe morne I must be. This is all, and now from henceforth, trust me Mellida, Ile not speake one wise word to thee more.

I trust yee.

By my troth, Ile speak pure foole to thee now.

You will speake the liker your selfe.

Good faith, Ile accept of the cockescombe, so you will not refuse the bable.

Nay good sweet, keepe them both, I am ena­mour'd of neither.

Goe to, I must take you downe for this. Lende me your eare.

A glowe worme, the word? Splendescit tantùm te­nebris.

O, Ladie, the glowe worme figurates my valour: which shineth brightest in most darke, dismall and hor­rid atchieuements.

Or rather, your glowe worme represents your wit, which only seems to haue fire in it, though indeed tis but an ignis fatuus, and shines onely in the darke deade night of fooles admiration.

Ladie, my wit hath spurs, if it wete dispos'd to ride you.

Faith sir, your wits spurs haue but walking ro­wels; dull, blunt, they will not drawe blood: the gen­tlemen vshers may admit them the Presence, for anie wrong they can doe to Ladies.

Truely, I haue strained a note aboue Ela, for a de­uise; [Page] looke you, tis a faire rul'd singing booke: the word, Perfect, if it were prickt.

Though you are mask't, I can guesse who you are by your wit. You are not the exquisite Balurdo, the most rarely shap't Balurdo.

Who, I? No I am not sir Ieffrey Balurdo. I am not as well knowne by my wit, as an alehouse by a red lat­tice. I am not worthy to loue and be belou'd of Flauia.

I will not scorne to fauour such good parts, as are applauded in your rarest selfe.

Truely, you speake wisely, and like a Iantlewo­man of foureteene yeares of age. You know the stone called lapis; the nearer it comes to the fire, the hotter it is: and the bird, which the Geometricians cal Auis, the farther it is from the earth, the nearer it is to the heauen: and loue, the nigher it is to the flame, the more remote (ther's a word, remote) the more remote it is from the frost, Your wit is quicke, a little thinge pleaseth a young Ladie, and a smal fauour contenteth an ould Courtier; and so, sweete mistresse I trusse my codpeece point.

What might import this florish? bring vs word.

Stand away: here's such a companie of flibotes, hulling about this galleasse of greatnesse, that there's no boarding him.

Doe you heare yon thing call'd, Duke?

How now blunt Feliche, what's the newes?

Yonder's a knight, hath brought Andrugio's head, & craues admittance to your chaire of state.

We vowe, by the honour of our birth, to recompence any man that brngeth Andrugio's head, with twentie thou­sand double Pistolets, and the endeering to our choysest loue.

The breathlesse trunke of young Antonio.

Antonio (aye me) my Lord, my loue, my

Deare father▪

Trulie, for sir Ieffrey Balurdo, he disclaimes to haue had anie thing in her,

Troth vncle, when my sweet fac't cuz hath tolde me how she likes the thing, call'd wedlock; may be Ile take a suruey of the checkroll of my seruants; & he that hath the best parts of, Ile pricke him downe for my husband.

For passion of loue now, remember me to my mistresse, Lady Rossaline, when she is pricking down the good parts of her seruants. As I am true knight, I grow stiffe: I shall carry it.