Hollands leaguer An excellent comedy as it hath bin lately and often acted with great applause, by the high and mighty Prince Charles his Servants; at the private house in Salisbury Court. Written by Shackerley Marmyon, Master of Arts.

Author: Marmion, Shackerley, 1603-1639.1632

HOLLANDS LEAGVER.

AN EXCELLENT COMEDY AS IT HATH BIN LATELY and often Acted with great applause, by the high and mighty Prince CHARLES his Servants; at the private house in Salisbury Court.

Written by SHACKERLEY MARMYON, Master of Arts.

— Vult haec sub luce videri,

Indicis argutum quia non formidat acumen.

Printed at London by I.B. for IOHN GROV [...] dwelling in Swan-Yard within Newgate. 1632.

[Page]

To the Reader.

CVrteous Reader (for so I presume thou art) if otherwise, thou losest the title of being stiled ingenious; for there are none but favour learning, if they so much as pretend to it: but I hope I neede make no apologie, either to gaine thy fauour, or to credit the Worke, it has so often pass'd with approbation, that I have hopes it will continue it. If there be any so supercilious to condemne it, before they read it, let them rest content with the title, and not enter into the Theater, unlesse they intend to behold the Florales. However, my Muse has descended to this subiect; let men esteeme of her, onely as a reprover, not an interpreter of wickednesse: Occultare peccantis, promulgare ludentis est.

Aristippus being compelled to dance in purple [Page]against the dignity of a Phylosopher, made an excuse, that the baits of sinne had no power on a good nature: and Plato having compos'd wanton Verses, affirmed, that the more plaine they were, the more honest: and your former Writers, in their accurate discovery of vice, have mingled the precepts of wisdome. If thou shalt accept this as it was simply meant, the applause it has obtain'd, shall not so much crowne it as thy acceptation.

SHACKERLEY MARMYON.

[Page]

Dramatis Personae.

Philautus, a Lord inamord of himselfe. William Browne.
Ardelio, his parasite. Ellis Worth.
Trimalchio, a humorous gallant. Andrew Keyne.
Agurtes, an Impostor. Mathew Smith.
Antolicus, his disciple. Iames Sneller.
Capritio, a young Novice. Henry Gradwell.
Miscellanio, his Tutor. Thomas Bond.
Snarle, friends to Philautus. Richard Fowler.
Fidelio. friends to Philautus. Edward May.
Ieffery, tenant to Philautus Robert Huyt.
Triphoena, wife to Philautus. Robert Stratford.
Faustina, sister to Philautus. Richard Godwin.
Millescent, daughter to Agurtes. Iohn Wright.
Margery her maid. Richard Fouch.
Quartilla, Gentlewoman to Triphoena. Arthur Savill.
Bawd. Samuell Mannery.
2 Whores. Pander. Officers.

[Page]


Prologue.GEntle spectators, that with gracefull eye
Come to behold the Muses Colonie,
New planted in this soyle; forsooke of late
By the Inhabitants, since made fortunate
By more propitious starres; though on each hand
To over-top us, two great Lawrels stand;
The one, when she shall please to spread her traine,
The vastnesse of the Globe cannot containe;
Th'other so high, the Phoenix does aspire
To build in, and takes new life from the fire
Bright Poesie creates; yet we partake
The Influence they boast of, which does make
Our Bayes to flourish, and the leaves to spring,
That on our branches now new Poets sing;
And when with ioy hee shall see this resort,
Phoebus shall not disdaine to stile't his Court.

[Page]

HOLLANDS LEAGVER.

ACT. 1.

SCEN. 1.

Fidelio, Snarle.

Fid.

WHat Snarle, my deare Democritus, how is't?

You are a Courtier growne, I heare.

Snarl.

No Sir:

Thats too deepe a mystery for me to professe.

I spend my owne revenewes, onely I have

An itching humour to see fashions.

Fidel.

And what haue you obseru'd, since you came hither?

Snarl.

Why they doe hold here the same Maxime still;

That to dissemble, is the way to live:

But promotion hangs all vpon one chaine,

And thats of gold; he that intends to climbe,

Must get up by the linkes; and those are tyed

Together, with the thread of my Lords favor.

Fidel.

So Sir.

Snar.

And all desire to live long, and healthy;

But ambition and luxury will not permit it.

Fid.

I hope you doe not share in their desires.

Sna.

There is other preposterous dealing too;

Fornature cannot finde her selfe amongst them,

[Page]

There's such effeminacy in both sexes,

They cannot be distinguished asunder;

And for your times and seasons of all ages;

Your best Astrologer cannot discerne them,

Not Spring from Autumne; you shall have a Lady,

Whose cheeke is like a scrue, and every rinkle

Would looke like a furrow, yet with a garnish

Is so fild up and plai [...]tred, that it lookes

As fresh as a new painted taverne onely

Fid.

Hold there, you'll run your self out of breath else:

And now resolve me of the Lord Philautus:

Is all that true that is reported of him?

Snar.

Who, he? the most besotted on his beauty;

He studies nothing but to court himselfe;

No Musicke but the harmony of his limbes;

No worke of art but his owne symmetry,

Allures his sense to admiration.

And then he comes forth so bath'd in perfumes,

Had you no sense to guide you, but your nose,

You'd thinke him a Muske-cat, he smels as ranke,

As th'extreame unction of two funerals.

Fid.

My sence will note be able to endure him.

Sna.

Such men as smell so, I suspect their favour.

Fid.

Is none his friend to tell him of his faults?

Sna.

There want not some, that seeke to flatter him;

For great mens vices are esteem'd as vertues.

Fid.

O they are still in fashion: in them

A wry necke is a comely president:

Disorder, disagreement in their lives

And manners is thought regular, their actions

Are still authenticke, if it be receiv'd;

To be illiterate, is a point of state.

But the worst thing which I dislike in him,

Which he does more by words then action:

He gives out that the Ladies dote upon him,

And that he can command them at his pleasure,

And swears, there's scarce an honest woman.

Fid.

How.

[Page]

Sna.

It is not well to say so, but by this light,

I am of his minde too.

Fid.

You are deceiv'd,

There are a thousand chaste.

Snar.

There was an age

When Iuno was a maide, and Iov [...] had no beard,

When miserable Atlas was not opprest

With such a sort of Dieties, and each

Din'd by himselfe: before Vshers and Pages

Swarm'd so, and Banquets, and your Masques came up

Riding in Coaches, visiting, and Titles,

So many Playes, and Puritan preachings,

That women might be chaste; now 'tis impossible:

Now should I finde such a prodigious faith,

I'de honour't with a sacrifice.

Fid.

Tis ill

To be incredulous, when charity

Exacts your beleefe: but let that passe:

What will you say, if I finde out a meanes

To cure him of his folly?

Snar.

Then I pronounce

The destruction of Bedlam, and all mad folkes

Shall be thy patients.

Fid.

Nay, I'll doe it:

I'll make him in love, and doe it.

Snar.

That's a cure

Worse then any disease. I can as soone

Beleeve a fire may be extinct with oyle,

Or a Fever coold with drinking of Sacke.

Fid.

Suspend your judgement, till I confirme you.

Snarl.

No more, stand by, here comes the Parasite.

That is Narcissus, and this is his Eccho.

Fid.

What is he?

Snar.

One that feeds all mens humors that feed him,

Can apprehend their iests, before they speake them,

And with a forced laughter play the Midwife.

To bring them forth, and carries still in store

A Plaudite, when they breake wind, or urine.

He fits his Master right, although he nere

Tooke measure of him, and though he has not beene

[Page]

Farre from home, yet will lye like a Traveller.

Hee'll rather vex you with officiousnesse

Then you shall passe unsaluted: his businesse

Is onely to be busie, and his tongue's still walking,

Though himselfe be one of the worst moveables:

A confus'd lumpe leavened with knavery.

Stand by a little, and let's heare his discourse.

ACT. 1. SCEN. 2.

Ardelio, Ieffry, Fidelio, Snarle.

Ard.

IEffry come hither.

Ieff.

Sir, I wait upon you.

Ard.

Ieffry, you know that I have ever beene

Indulgent to your knaveries.

Ieff.

I thanke your worship, you haue euer beene my friend.

Ard.

Wink'd at your faults.

Ieff.

True.

Ard.

And the reason is.

Because I still am welcome to thy wife.

Ieff.

Your worship may be welcome there at all times.

Ard.

Honest Ieffry, thou shalt lose nothing by it.

You know my authority in the house: my Lord

Puts all the care into my hands, has left mee

The managing of his estate, because

I know the way to humour him.

Ieff.

That is an euident token of your worships wisdome.

Ard.

And none of them have any place or being,

Without my suffrance.

Ieff.

Sir, you are of power to disperse us like attomes.

Ard.

Therefore I expect the reuerence is due unto my place.

Ieff.

And reason good.

Ard.

Well, for thy honest care,

I meane to substitute thee under mee

In all inferiour matters, for I meane

To take my ease, and pamper up my Genius,

[Page]

As well as he, onely for entertainments,

Or any thing belongs unto the Kitchin;

Let me alone,

Ieff.

Yes Sir, your providence

Has shew'd it selfe sufficiently that way.

Ard.

I'll take the ayre in his Coach, eat of the best,

And for my priuate drinking, I will haue

My choyce of Wines, fild out of vessels, whose age

Has worne their Countries name out, and their owne,

Like some unthankfull Hospitall, or Colledge,

That has forgot their Founder.

Snar.

To what purpose,

I wonder, should Nature create this fellow?

He is good for nothing else, but to maintaine

The mutinie of the Paunch, against the members.

Keepe him from his Whore, and his Sacke, and you

Detaine him from his center.

Ard.

By the way,

I will acquaint thee with a secret Ieffry.

Ieff.

What's that, Sir?

Ard.

I doe love a pretty Wench well.

Ieff.

Tis the onely gentile humor that is extant.

Ard.

I will not leave my recreation that way

For a whole Empire, 'tis my summum bonum,

My sole felicity, tickles my conceit,

But not a word.

Ieff.

Not I by any meanes, Sir?

Ard.

And for this cause, I meane t'apply my selfe

Wholly to my Venery. I feele this heat

Renewes my bloud, and makes me younger for it.

And thou shalt keepe one for me at thy house.

Ieff.

Where, at my house?

Ard.

I, there, a heauy burthen

Of fleshly desires, daily growes upon me;

And ease workes on my nature, once a weeke,

When I am ballasted with wine, and lust,

I'll saile to my Canaries.

Ieff.

And unlade there.

[Page]

Ard.

Wilt keep her forme, & let none come neere her.

Ieff.

I haue had such favour at your worships hands,

That should good fortune come in humane shape

To tempt your Mistris, I'de not let her in.

Ard.

I'll procure thee the Lease of thy house free,

And when I haue done, I'll see it shan't stand empty:

Hast thou any good roomes for Stowage there?

Ieff.

Spare roomes enough, Sir, why doe you aske?

Ard.

Because I will convay away some Houshold stuffe.

That's not amisse.

Ief.

No Sir.

Ard.

Tis quite against my nature to see any vacuum.

Besides, 'tis not an age to be honest in.

Ieff.

That's the high way to pouerty.

Ard.

I meane to make the benefit of my place therefore.

And when I haue done, I'de faine see all your Artists,

Your Polititians with their Instruments

And Plummets of wit, sound the depth of mee.

Ieff.

It lyes not in the reach of man to fathome it.

Ard.

Were I set in a place of Iustice now,

They would admire me, how I should become it;

Cough on the Bench of State, sit in my night-cap,

Stroke out an Apophthegme out of my beard,

Frame a grave City face, jeere at offenders,

Cry out upon the vices of the times,

O Tempores, O morums.

Snar.

How the rancke Raskall

Is overgrowne with flesh and villanie?

Ard.

This getting of monie is a mysterie,

Is to be learnt before a mans Alphabet,

No matter how, tis suppos'd, he that has it

Is wise and vertuous, though he be obscure,

A fugitive, and perjur'd, any thing,

He, and his cause, shall neither want for friends.

He is the chicke of the white Hen, old Fortune:

What ere he treads upon, shall be a Rose.

He shall be invited to his Capon, and Custard,

Ride to the Sheriffs a feasting on his Foot cloth,

[Page]

Possesse the highest roome, have the first carving,

With please you eat of this, or that, my Noble,

My Right Worshipfull brother? your rich men

Shall striue to put their sonnes to be his Pages,

And their wives to be his Concubines.

Ieff.

Shall marry young ones a purpose for him.

Snar.

Very likely.

Ard.

No more, be gone, I heare my Lord a comming,

I'll send thee my Wench, marke me, keepe her close:

Ieff.

Beleeve it, not a breath of ayre comes neere her,

But what steales in at the window.

Ard.

'Tis well said.

Ieff.

But stay, Sir, will she not be too great a charge

To keepe her to your selfe, what if you hir'd her

By the moneth, as your Factors doe beyond Sea,

And when she is growne old and leakie, Sir,

Mend her i'th docke, and fraught her ore for Holland.

Ard.

I, ore the water, 'twas well thought upon.

I thinke, and shee were trimd up, shee would serue

At last for such a voyage well enough.

What wilt thou say, when I haue done with her,

If I doe make thee Master of my bottome?

Ieff.

Who me? the divell shall be the Pilote first,

Ere I come neere their quick-sands, their base roads.

They haue a dangerous Key to come into.

Ard.

What ere the Key be, still the dore's kept fast.

Ieff.

As strict as an Aldermans at dinner time:

I, and the way to hell is growne so narrow,

A man's in danger to passe ore, for if

VVe reele beside the bridge, straight we shall fall

Into a Lake that will fouly dight us,

Darker and deeper, then Styx or Cocitus.

Adr.

Well rim'd Ieffry, this knaue will come in time,

By being often in my Company,

And gleaning but the refuse of my speech,

T'arrive at some proportion of wit,

But to avoid suspition, be gone.

Exit Ieffry.

Now would I see the man that should affront me.

[Page]

My Lord will straight be here, I'll entertaine him,

And talke as superciliously, and walke

As stately, as the Warden of a colledge,

Vntill I haue made a right Pupill of him.

ACT. 1. SCEN. 3.

Snarle, Fidelio, Ardelio.

Snar.

HOw now Ardelio, what? so melancholy?

Ard.

Faith all this day I haue bin so imploid

With setting things in order, and provisions,

I can compare my paines to nothing lesse,

Then a Lord Generals.

Snar.

Why what's the matter?

Ard.

Things must be ordered, and there's nothing

Done, unlesse I ouersee it; my industry

Must marshall the Dishes, put the Stooles in ranke,

See the Wood set upon the carriages,

Sharpen the Knives; all these witnesse mycare

The very shining of the Candlestickes

Acknowledge my directions.

Snar.

Tis much,

The strange activity that some men haue

To dispatch businesse.

Ard.

Why Sir, did you never

Heare how Apelles pictured Homer spewing,

And all the Poets gaping to receive it?

Snar.

Yes, and what then?

Ard.

In the same manner doe I,

Vpon the Hushers, the Clarks, and the Butlers,

The Cookes, and other Officers, 'mongst whom

I finde to be a drought of understanding,

Showre downe the dregs of my counsell.

Snar.

They are like to be well edified.

Ard.

Here comes my Lord, make roome for my Lords grace.

[Page]

ACT. 1. SCEN, 4.

Philautus, Triphaena, Trimalchio, Ardelio. Snarle, Fidelio.

Ard.

GOd save your honour, may your flourishing youth

Enioy an everlasting spring of beauty,

And know no Autumne.

Philau.

Thankes good Ardelio:

Your wishes haue effect, this is the tree,

Vnder whose shadow Flora builds her Bower,

And on whose branches, hangs such tempting fruit,

Would draw faire Atalanta from her course;

An Altar, on which Queenes should sacrifice

Their scorned loves: Nature will scarce beleeve

It is her owne invention, and repines

She has no way to be incestuous.

Triphae.

M ^r. Trimalchio, I am sicke to heare him.

I can't abide these repetitions,

And tedious Encomiums of himselfe:

Let you and I walke a turne in the Garden.

Trim.

You are the onely Garden of [...]y delight,

And I your deare Adonis, honour'd Lady.

Exeunt Trimalchio, T [...]iphaena.

Philau.

Ardelio, tell me how this suit becomes me?

Ard.

Exactly well, Sir without controuersie,

And you weare it as neatly.

Philau.

Nay I have

A reasonable good Taylor, I hope he has not

Survayd me so long, but he knowes my dimensions.

I thinke, I may venter i'th presence with it.

Ard.

I'th presence, I, and love w [...]re in the presence,

You'd thrust Ganimede out of his office.

Philan.

What thinke you Gentlemen?

Fid.

We all do wish,

Your beauty, or your vanity were lesse.

[Page]

For by this meanes, that which would else commend you,

Proves your disgrace, you take the edge of prayse off,

Is due to you, by too much whetting it.

Philau.

I should prove too injurious to my selfe,

Should I passe over, with a slight regard,

This building, Nature has solemnized

With such Magnificence, to which I owe

The loves of Ladies, and their daily presents,

Their hourely solicitations with letters,

Their entertainments when I come, their plots

They lay to view me, which should I recount,

'Twould puzzell my Arithmeticke, and to answer

Their uniust desires, would aske the labours

Of some ten Stallions.

Ard.

And make all jades of them.

Fid.

You are the Center of all womens love then.

Philau.

'Tis true, I haue a strange attractive power

Over your females, did you never heare of

Three Goddesses, that stroue on Ida hill,

Naked before a shepheard, for a Ball,

With an inscription; Let the fairest have it.

Fidel.

And what of those?

Phil.

Bring them all three before me:

If I surprize them not all at first dash,

If they fall not together by the eares for mee,

Nay, if they runne not mad, and follow mee,

As if they were drunke with a loue potion,

Nere trust a Prognosticator againe.

Snar.

But how if you should chance to meet Diana?

Take heed of her, it is a testy Girle,

A profest Virgin. Phil. 'Tis my ambition

To meet with her, to bath my limbs with her,

In the same Well, shoot in her bow, dance with her,

And get the formost of her troupe with child,

And turne the rape on Iupiter.

Snar.

Fine yfaith.

Fid.

It seemes that you are of opinion,

There is no text of woman-kinde so holy,

[Page]

But may be corrupted, though a Deity.

Philau.

Ardelio, tell me what thou dost think of them.

Ard.

Who I? hang me should I be questioned

Now for my faith, concerning Articles,

Of womens chastitie, I should bee burnt

For a ranke Heretike, I beleeve none of them.

Fid.

But I thinke otherwise; and can iustifie it.

What if I bring you now unto a beauty

As glorious as the Sunne, but in desire

Cold, as the middle Region of the ayre,

And free from all reflexion of lust?

Philau.

But shall I speak with her, and tempt her to it?

Fid.

You shall converse with her, and she shall feed

Your sense with such discoursive influence,

And a voyce sweeter than the Lydian tunes

Iove would bow downe his eare to, yet her bloud

Shall runne as cold as Iulips through her veynes:

The spring-tide of her youth, shall swell with more

Delights, then there be drops in Aprill, yet shee

As chast as Salmacis, amidst the streames.

Her eye shall sparkle like the Diamond,

And be as pure, her kisses soft and melting,

As the South wind; but undefil'd as heaven.

And you shall feele the Elementall fire

Of her unspotted love, and grieve, and sweare

Shee is so celestiall, and Divine a creature,

Thats onely hot in her effect, not nature.

Philau.

Why such an one would I converse withall.

The Conquest wil [...] be greater, shall I see her?

Fid.

I'll bring you to her.

Ard.

He has a strong beleefe.

I have no such confidence, she may be Lucresse,

And he' a foolish Colatine to brag of her.

But most of them, in playing fast and loose,

Will cheat an Orac [...]. I haue a creature

Before these, [...]ou [...]iers [...] their lips at her,

I'll trust a want [...]n bag [...]a [...] [...] the w [...]nd.

Fid.

This Lady [...] sister and [...] M [...]s [...]ris.

[Page]

Yet both unknowne to him, some few yeares since,

Her father iealous of my love, because

I was a Gentleman of no great fortune,

Sent her away, and charg'd her by an oath,

To marry none, till seven yeares were expir'd,

Six parts of which are gone, yet shee remaines

Constant to what she promis'd, though his death,

Has partly quit her: To live in her sight,

And not enioy her, is a heavenly torment,

But unsufferable, I must liue apart,

Till the praefixed minute be expir'd.

In the meane time, I'll worke by some good meanes,

To winne his love, and draw him from his folly.

But first by him, I'll try her constancy.

I must prepare her for his entertainment,

Because she will admit no Company,

Nor will be knowne to any, but my selfe.

Come Sir, let's goe, by that which shall ensue,

You shall affirme, what I relate, is true.

ACT. 1. SCEN. 5.

Agurtes, Autolicus.

Agur.

TIs a dull age this same, casts not her eyes

On men of worth, Captaines and Commanders,

Victorious abroad, are vanquish'd at home,

With poverty, and disgrace, they looke as bad

As Brutus, when he met his evill Genius:

Worse, then they had beene frighted from the ruines

Of Isis Temple; and you Sir, for your part,

That have beene brought up under me at my elbow,

A daily witnesse unto all my proiects,

That might have got experience enough

To cozen a whole State, if they had trusted you.

Now to be wanting to your selfe, worne out,

No name, or title, but on posts, and trenchers,

[Page]

And dores, scor'd with a cole, in stead of chalke.

Are my hopes come to this?

Autol.

What should I doe?

I haue no thriuing way to lye and flatter,

Nor haue I such dexterity of wit

As you haue (blest be heaven) to convert

Blacke into white.

Agur.

Nay, if you have no will,

Nor power to fr [...]e your selfe, you must resolve

To sticke in the dirt still.

Autol.

Nor can I promise

The death of any by the Starres, I haue

No rich mans funerall to folemnize,

That left a guilt ring for my Legacie,

And his old Velvet jerkin to survive him.

I have no secret boyles within my breast.

For which I am fear'd, no s [...]it in Law to follow,

No accusation 'gainst a great man,

No house to let to farme, [...]o tender wife

To prostitute, or skill to corrupt others,

And sleepe amidst their wanton Dialogues.

Agur.

I cry you mercy, you would faine be stil'd

An honest politicke foole, [...]ee all mens tu [...]nes

Seru'd but your owne; so leave off to be good.

For what is now accounted to be good?

Take a good Lawyer, or a good Atturney,

A Citizen that's a good Chapman;

In a good sense what are they? I would knows

Why a good Gamester, or a good Courtier?

Is't for their honest dealing? Take a good Poet,

And if he write not bawdy lines and raptures,

I'll not giue a pinne for him.

Autol.

Would you haue me

Act the plagiary, and seeke preferment,

To be the drunken ba [...]d of some blacke stewes?

And thinke my destin [...]e well satisfied,

When my shame feeds me, and at length expect

A Legacie, bequeath'd me from some Bawd,

[Page]

In lieu of my old service, or according

To the proportion of my Hernia.

Agur.

Wel I perceive that I must once more take you

To my protection, which if I doe,

I'll teach you better rules, you shall no more

Commit your misery to loose papers.

Nor court my Lord with Panegyricks, nor make

Strange Anagrams of my Lady: you shall not need

To deale for stale Commodities, nor yet

Send forth your privy Bils without a Seale,

To free you from your lodging, where you have

Laine in, most part of the vacation.

You shall no longer runne in score with your hostesse

For browne Tosts and Tobacco, but you shall leave

Your open standings at the ends of Lanes,

Or your close coverts in Tobacco-shops,

Where you giue strickt attendance like a Serjeant,

Vntill some antidated Country cloake

Passe by, whom you most impudently may

Assault, to borrow twelve pence; but beare up

Stifly, and with the best.

Autol.

How shall that be done?

Agur.

We will not call Tiresias from the dead,

To shew us how, as he did once Ʋlysses.

You must resolue to learne vertue from others,

Fortune from me.

Autol.

For that I'll make no scruple.

Agur.

I haue a bird i'th wind, I'll fly thee on him.

He shall be thy adventure, thy first quarry.

Autol.

What's hee?

Agur.

A golden one, that drops his feathers,

That has receiv'd his patrimony, giues monie

For all acquaintance, when he first came up,

His onely search was for prime Curtezans.

And those he entertain'd for Mistresses,

Onely sometimes to drinke a health to them,

The Ladies too would use him for a cooler,

But they suspect his silence, yet he uses

[Page]

Their names and titles as familiarly

As he had bought them, thou shalt hooke him in,

And cracke him like a Nut.

Autol.

Is he not the Sonne

To the rich Vsurer, that died so lately?

Agur.

The same, that heap'd up mony by the Bush [...]l;

And now this studies how to scatter it.

His father walkes to see what becomes of it,

And that's his torment after death.

Autol.

When shall I see him?

Agur.

He is to meet me here within this houre,

Then take you an occasion to passe by,

And I will whisper to him privately,

And prayse thee, beyond Pirrbus or Hannibal.

You must talke, and looke big, 'twill be the grace on't.

Autol.

What shall I turne a Roarer?

Agur.

Any thing.

Broker, or Pandar, Cheater, or Lifter,

And steale like a Lacedemonian.

Obserue what I doe, and fill up the Scene.

Enter Boy.

How now? what newes?

Boy.

Sir, there's some five or six without to speake with you.

Agur.

How, fiue or six.

Boy.

Yes, Sir, and they pretend

Great businesse.

Agur.

What manner of men are they?

Boy.

They looke like pictures of Antiquitie.

And their cloakes seeme to have bin the coverings

Of some old Monuments.

Agur.

They are my Gibeonites,

Are come to traffique with me, some designe

Is now on foot, and this is our Exchange time.

These are my old proiectors, and they make me

The superintendent of their businesse.

But still they shoot two or three bowes too short,

For want of monie and adventurers.

They haue as many demurres as the Chancery,

[Page]

And hatch more strange imaginations

Than any dreaming Philosopher: one of them

Will undertake the making of Bay-salt,

For a penny a Bushell, to serue the State,

Another dreames of building water-workes,

Drying of Fennes and Marshes, like the Dutchmen.

Another strives to raise his fortunes, from

Decay'd Bridges, and would exact a tribute

From Ale-houses, and signe-posts: some there are,

Would make a thorow-fare for the whole kingdome,

And office, where Nature should give account

For all shee tooke, and sent into the world.

But they were borne in an unlucky houre,

For some unfortunate mischance or other,

Still come a'thwart them; well I must into them,

And feast them with new hopes, 'twill be good sport,

To heare how they dispure it, Pro, and Con.

In the meane time, Autolicus, prepare

To meet my Courtier.

Antol.

I have my Q. Sir.

ACT. 2.

SCEN. 1.

Agurtes, Trimalchio.

Agur.

TIs neere about the time he promised.

Trim.

Boy,

Goe and dispatch those Letters presently.

Returne my service to the Lady Lautus.

And carry backe her Watch, and Diamond.

Aske if the Dutch [...]sse has beene there to day.

And if you chance to see the Lord her brother,

Tell him I'lll meet him at the Embassadours.

Boy.

I sha [...]l Sir.

Agur.

What M. Trimalchio.

Yo' are punctuall to your houre.

Trim. Sir, for your sake,

I can dispense with my occasions.

[Page]

You'll not imagine what a heauy stirre,

I had to come to day.

Agur.

Why what's the matter?

Trim.

No lesse then seven Ceaches to attend mee,

To fetch me Valens, No [...]ns.

Agur.

Pray from whom?

Trim.

The Lord Philantus, and some min [...] Nobles.

Whose names, I am loa [...]h should clog my memorie.

They strove for me, as the seven Graecian Cities

Were said to wrangle about the blinde Poet.

Agur.

How got you rid of them?

Trim.

I had the grace

To goe with none of them, made an excuse.

T' avoyd their troublesome visitations.

Agur.

How doe they rellish your neglect of them?

Trim.

I know not, yet I still abuse them all.

Agur.

How? not abuse them.

Trim.

I meane laugh at them.

Some passages, some sprinkling of my wit,

No otherwise, for which you little thinke

How I am fear'd amongst them, how the Ladies

Are tooke with my conceits, how they admire

My wit, and iudgement, trust me with their secrets,

Beyond their Painter, or Apothecary.

I'll tell you in a word, but 'twill perplexe you,

I am their Lasanophorus.

Agur.

Their Pisse-pot carrier.

Trim.

Their winged Mercury, to be employd

On messages, and for my company,

They sweare it is the Element they move in.

Agur.

You are happy, Siguier Trimalchio.

Trim.

I thanke my Fates, they haue not altogether

Envyed me the fruition of such gifts

Are worth the taking notice of, besides

Some speciall helpes of our owne industry.

I lately studied the Economicks.

Agur.

What's that?

Trim.

The ordering of my Familie.

[Page]

I haue reduc'd it to a certaine method.

Agur.

As how?

Trim.

I'll tell you, since, my fatehrs death,

First thing I did, I casheir'd his old seruants;

And to avoid confusion, and expence,

I left the Countrie, to reuell it here.

I'th view of th' world, and in the sight of beauties,

And haue confin'd my selfe unto some certaine

Appendices, some necessary implements.

My single Page, my Coach, my Groome, my Foot-boy,

And my two pentionarie Whores.

Agur.

And these

Are all your inventorie.

Trim.

Stay, who comes there?

Enter Autolicus.

Agur.

O 'tis Autolicus.

My Noble friend and brother of the Sword;

His stomacke, and his Blade are of one temper,

Of equall edge, and will eat flesh alike.

He walkes there melancholy; to shew that worth

Can passe unregarded, be proud to know him,

He is the shrewdest pated fellow breathing,

The onely Engineere in Christendome,

Will blow you up a Caracke like a squib,

And row under water. th' Emperour,

And Spinola, by secret intelligence,

Haue laid out for him any time this ten yeares,

And twice he has escap'd them by a tricke.

He is beyond Doedalus, or Archim [...]des,

But liues conceal'd like a Seminary,

For feare the State should take notice of him.

Machavill for policie, was a Dunce to him,

And had he liv'd in Mahomets daies, h' had beene

His onely Counsellor for the Alcaro [...]:

He is newly come from Holland.

Trim.

My bodie

Is all of an itch, to be acquainted with him,

Pray speake to him for me.

Agur.

Nay more, he is able

[Page]

To make you a perfect States-man in a moneth,

Able to be imployed beyond the Line.

Trim.

You will for euer thrall me to your service.

Agur.

Harke you, Autolicus, here's a Centleman,

Who though he be the Phoebus of the Court,

So absolute in himselfe, that the desires

Of all men tend towards him, and has power

Enough, to wander in the Zodiacke

Of his owne worth, yet craves your acquaintance.

Autol.

I take, S [...]guiour Trimalchio.

Trim.

Doe you know me then?

Agur.

By an instinct, Sir, men of quality

Cannot lye hid.

Trim.

Indeed, my fathers name

Was Malchio, for my three additions,

Of Valour, Wit, and Honour, 'tis enlarg'd

To M ^r. Trimalchio; this is wonderfull.

Agur.

Alas, 'tis nothing, Sir, if you knew all.

No Ambuscado of the enemy,

No treachery, or plot, but he foresees it.

He was the first brought o [...]re the mysterie

Of building Sconces here in England, a Trade

That many live upon.

Trim.

A good Common-wealths man.

Agur.

But this is certaine, once in a strait Leaguer,

When they were close besieg'd, their Amunition

And victuals, most part spent, he found a meanes,

To yeeld the Towne on composition.

Trim.

Stand by a while, I must reward his vertues.

Sir, will you please t' inlarge your disposition,

T' accept a Curtesie, to binde me to you.

Autol.

I doe not use to sell my liberty,

But that I see your face promise true bounty.

Trim.

Haue you skill in the face, Sir?

Autol.

I were not fit else, to be stil'd traveller.

Trim.

How doe you find my looks inclin'd to State?

Aut.

Sir you haue won me to powre out my thoughts,

And [...] tell your plaine, they are too loose,

[Page]

Too scatterd, to pretend such an acumen,

Too much displaid, and smooth, you must haue quirks,

And strange Meanders in your face t' expresse

A State subtility, I'll make it plaine.

Hereafter by demonstration in the Opticks.

Trim.

Who would haue lost the opportunitie

Of getting such a friend? Came you from Holland?

Autol.

Yes, very lately.

Trim.

Pray what newes from Holland?

Autol.

Holland's beleaguer'd.

Trim.

What all Holland beleaguer'd?

Autol.

And wil hold out as long as Busse or B [...]lloign.

They haue their Mote and Draw-bridge, I haue giuen them

Besides, a draft of a fortification,

Will hold them play this twelvemonth, for they keepe

Their passage open, and want no supplies,

For whosoeuer comes, they pay them soundly:

The French have made many onflats upon them,

And still beene foyld.

Trim.

Is there such hot service there?

Autol.

Crossing the Line's a Bath to it, I had like

Beene scorcht to death with the intemperature

Of the Climate, 'tis the onely Zona torrida,

In the whole microcosme of man or woman,

If you shall once come neere the height of it,

'Twill melt you like Lightning.

Trim.

Shal's build a Sconce there?

Autol.

If you please.

Trim.

Agreed, who is the Leader of

These factious troupes?

Autol.

A woman.

Trim.

How, a woman?

Now by t is [...]and, an Amazonian,

A Toma [...], a right Pe [...]this [...]e.

I'll view this Leaguer by this light, and swim

Like a Leander o're the Helle [...]pout,

That shall divide me from these Heroines.

Agur.

'Tis well resolu'd, you are not married Sir?

[Page]

Trim.

No pox, I know them all too well for that:

I can vse them for recreation, or so.

Agur.

What thinke you of a rich Widow?

Trim.

I'll none of them,

They are like old cloathes that haue beene worne.

Agur.

I like you, that you care not for such relicks;

But yet I thinke I have a match will fit you,

An Orphan, a young heire, that has some thousands,

Besides her possibilities, if you

Can win her, she is at her owne disposing,

There's one that knowes her.

Trim.

By instinct, it may be.

Autol.

But for the patterne of true modesty,

'Tis seldome knowne, riches and vertue meet

In such a mixture.

Trim.

Will you bring me to her?

Agur.

I, and perhaps perswade her to't, you know not

Let us secure this businesse first of all,

And then wee'll meet at the Leaguer.

Autol.

'Tis good counsell.

Trim.

And I'll confirme all with a joynture.

Agur.

Well,

'Tis done,

I'll tell you more of her, shee is one

Whose tender yeares have not as yet aspir'd?

The height of wickednesse, but may be brought

To commit venery in her owne language,

And be content with one man, has not rob'd

Young boves of their voices, knowes not her slights,

And doubles, nor her Labyrinths, through which,

The Minotaure her husband shall nere tracke her,

Cannot indite with ar, t [...]or giue a censure,

Vpon the lines are senth er, has no agents,

No factors, pentioners, or Champions,

Nor has her teares fixt in th [...]ir Station,

To flow at her command, and so confirme

Her perjury: no [...] large in her expence, nor one

That when she is drest, will call a conventicle

[Page]

Of young, and old, to passe their iudgements on her,

As if her life were gag'd upon the matter,

Nor carries an Ephemerides about with her,

To which sh' ascribes your forked destinie,

Nor is her body crazie, neither takes shee

Physicke for state, nor will rise up at Midnight

To eat her Oisters, and drinke Wine, till lust

Dance in her veines, and till the house turnes round,

And shee discerne not 'twixt her head and taile.

Nor holdeth strange intelligence abroad,

To furnish her discourse with, neither takes shee

Her journie once a yeare to'th Bath, nor is

So learned, as to iudge betwixt your Poets,

Which of them writes best, and fluenst, nor yet

Is growne an Antiquary, to decide

Matters in Heraldry: she has no fucus,

To catch your lips like Birdlime, nor yet uses

Restoratives, more then the helpe of nature;

I'll speake the noblest words I can, of you:

So many women on a meere report,

Doe fall in love with men, before they see them.

Trim.

Nay, when I see her, I am sure of her.

I haue a little hast, I am to meet

A Countesse at th' Exchange within this houre.

Besides, I haue a Catalogue of businesse,

If I could thinke on't: so I take my leaue,

Farewell Gentlemen.

Autol.

Farewell Sir.

Agur.

Farewell sweet M. Coxcombe.

This Wench I so commended, is my daughter.

And if my skill not failes me, her I'll make

A Stale, to take this Courtier in a brake.

ACT. 2. SCEN. 2.

Fidelio, Faustina.

Fid.

IS there no meanes t' absolue you of your oath?

The blame on me, let the bright day no longer

[Page]

[...]nvy the darkenesse, that conceales such beauty:

You are no Votarie, and yet force your youth

To such a strict and solitary life,

Which others bound by vow, cannot performe.

I wonder at the temper of your bloud,

So differing from your Sexe, when your old women

Doe burne with lustfull thoughts, as with a Feaver,

Yet you goe on, in the old track of vertue,

Now overgrowne with seeds of vice.

Faust.

Sweet heare me;

It is a penance that I liue reseru'd,

Because my loue to you was made abortiue,

But when due time shall perfect in her wombe,

And bring it forth anew unto the birth:

I will surrender up my selfe, and it,

To your dispose: Let it suffice the while,

I am no haunter of your publike meetings,

No entertainer, nor no visiter.

Nor did I euer trust my wandring eyes,

To view the glittering vanitie of the world,

Nor euer yet did sit a guilty witnesse

To a lascivious, and untun'd discourse,

Sounding to their phantasticke actions.

Fid.

But I must begone favour at your hands,

And suffer no repulse.

Faust.

What is't?

Fid.

It may offend you.

Faust.

It shall not.

Fid.

Then know that I have boasted of your beauty.

Nay more, expos'd thy vertues to the triall.

Faust.

You haue not prostituted them on Stalls,

To haue the vulgar fingers sweat upon them,

As they doe vse upon your Plaies and Pamphlets?

Fidel.

I am engag'd to bring a Lord to see you.

Faust.

A Lord.

Fid.

And you must use all art for his content,

With Musicke, Songs, and dancing, such as are

The stirrers of hot appetites.

Faust.

Prophane,

[Page]

And idle wretch, to cast away thy hopes,

Vpon a Pandarly profession.

Or didst thou thinke, that I could be corrupted,

To personate a Strumpets dalliance?

I grieue for thee. Be gone, henceforth I'll liue

Immur'd for euer, as an Anchorist,

From him, and thee, since thou hast wrong'd my loue.

Fid.

Mistake me not, the difference 'twixt the Poles

Is not so great, as betwixt me, and basenesse:

Nor is't a sinister intent to make

Your favours stale, and common as a drugge,

Which are so deare to me, that both the Iudies

Are not of equall value to ingrosse,

But for a noble and peculiar end.

Faust.

This seemes to me a Paradox.

Fid.

'Tis true.

Faust.

If it be so, 'tis granted, speake it free.

Fid.

Then if you please to grant reliefe

To my desires, take them in briefe;

I would haue you first expresse

All the skill that comelinesse

Can invent, to make you seeme

Faire, and pleasant, as loves Queene.

When shee Anchises came to kisse

On the Bankes of Simois.

Call the graces, and suborne

Them thy beauty to adorne,

Thy face, the table where loue writes

A thousand stories of delights:

Make it all over, smooth and plaine,

But see you shadow it with disdaine.

Weave a net out of thy haire,

A subtle net, that may ensnare

Such fond soules as shall aspire

To come neere the holy fire

Of thine eyes, which were of late,

By Cupids torch illuminate.

Vse all the delusiue art

That may captiuate his heart.

[Page]

Faust.

What's your intent in this?

Fid.

I'll haue him punisht.

He casts aspersions of disloyalty,

On all your sexe, and you shall vindicate them

When he is plung'd in love irrevocable,

As conquerd by thy all subduing looke,

Then you shall binde him to conditions,

As I shall first instruct you, shall redeeme

Him from his folly, and next cleare your honour.

Faust.

Your wi l's a law, and shall not be withstood,

When my ill's quited with anothers good.

ACT. 2. SCEN. 3.

Agurtes, Autolicus, Margery.

Agur.

MArgery, goe call your Mistris.

Autol.

What is shee?

Agu.

My daughters maid, a wench fit for the purpose,

Cunning as a Whore: besides, I haue prouided

A bed, and hangings, and a casting bottle,

And once a day a Doctor to visit her.

Enter Millescent.

Mill [...]seent come hither, know this Gencleman.

Captaine, herelyes our venter, this is shee,

The rich Antomo's daughter, the great heire,

And Neece [...]o the grand Sophies of the City;

That has beene wood and sued to by great Lords,

Aldermans sonnes, and agents of all sorts.

Thus we haue spoke thy prayse, wench, has not seene

The man she likes yet, but her fortunes may

Ordaine her to some better choyce, to the making

Of some deseruing man, which must needs be

Trimalchio, and no other; how lik'st thou her?

Autol.

Hang me, so well, I thinke you may goe on,

In a right line, she is worthy of a better.

Few of your moderne faces are so good.

Agur.

That's our comfort, shee may put a good face o [...]'t.

[Page]

Milles.

Let me alone, Sir, to be impudent,

To laugh them out of countenance, looke skirvy,

As a Citizens daughter new turn'd Madam.

Marg.

I warrant you, Sir, my Mistris, and I,

Haue practised our Lirripoope together.

Agur.

Thou must insinuate strange things into her

Both of her vertue and Nobility,

The largenesse of her dowry, besides Iewels,

Th' expected death of her old grand mother,

That has a blessing for her, if she marry

According to her minde, keepe him at distance,

Make him beleeue, 'tis hard to haue accesse,

And wait the happy houre, to be let in

At the backe doore.

Marg,

I, and the fore-doore too.

Autol.

Thou hast a noble wit, and spirit, wench,

That neuer was ordaind for any skinkard

T'ingender with, or mechanick Citizen,

Vnlesse it were to Cuckold him, thou shalt

Be stilli'th front of any fashion,

And haue thy seuerall Gownes and Tires, take place,

It is thy owne, from all the City wires,

And Summer birds in Towne, that once a yeare

Come up to moulter, and then go down to'ch Country

To jeere their neighbours, as they haue beene sera'd

Agur.

Nay more, if you can act it handsomely,

You'll put a period to my undertakings,

And saue me all my labour of proiecting,

As putting out my monie on returne,

From aqua pendente, or some unknowne place,

That has as much adoe to get a roome

I'th Map, as a new Saint i'th Kalender.

'Twill dead all my deuice in making matches,

My plots of Architecture, and erecting

New Amphitheaters, to draw the custome

From Play-houses once a weeke, and so pull

A curse upon my head from the poore scoundrels.

'Twill hinder to the gaine of Courtiers,

[Page]

Put on by me, to begge Monopolies,

To haue a sixt share in the businesse,

Nor need I trample up and downe the Country,

To cheat with a Polonian, or false rings,

Nor keepe a tap-house o'th Banke side, and make

A stench worse then a Brew-house, 'mongst my neighbours,

Till I am growne so poore, that all my goods

Are shipt away i'th bottome of a Sculler,

And then be driven t'inhabit some blind nooke

I'th Suburbs, and my utmost refuge be

To keepe a bawdy house, and be carted.

Milles

Nere feare it Sir.

Agur.

'Tis well, speake for thy selfe, Girle.

Milles.

If I doe not, let me be turnd to ashes,

And they be buried in an vrne so shallow,

That boyes may pisse into it, let me deale

In nothing else but making Sugar Cakes,

Oyntments, and Dentifrices: Let me serue

Seven yeares Apprentiship, and learne nothing else,

But to preserue and candy. Let me marry

With a Pedant, and have no other dowry

Than an old cast French-hood. Let me liue

The scorne of Chambermaids, and after all.

Turne a dry-nurse.

Autol.

You shall haue trophies, wenches,

Set up for you, in honour of your wits,

More then Herculean pillers, to advance

Your Fame to a non ultra, that who euer

Shall read your history, may not attempt

To goe beyond it.

Agur.

Well, prepare your selues

To entertaine him.

Autol.

Faith you need not doubt them,

To manage the businesse.

Milles.

Let us alone.

Agur.

We leaue the charge to your discretion.

[Page]

ACT. 2.

SCEN. 4.Triphaena, Quartilla.
Quar.
MAdam, in troth this griefe does not become you,
'Tis an ill dressing for so good a face,
Yet you pursue it with such eagernesse,
As if you were ambitiously sad.
'Tis some invincible malignitie
Makes her untractable, deafe to all comfort.
What might I gh
 [...]sse the cause of this disaster?
Her Monkey and her Dog are both in health,
I thanke my providence, onely her Monkey
Is a little costiue, but I'll physicke him:
Sure her intelligence arriv'd too late,
About the last new fashion, or the crime
Lies in the Sempster, or it must needs be
Some other grand solecisme in her Taylor.
What if it proue a Capitall offence,
Committed by the tire-woman? but I beleeue
Some skiruy Ladie put it in her head,
To practise a State melancholy, that first
Begins in an imperious revolt,
And frowning, and contempt of her owne husband,
And what she might recover by the Law
In case of separation, or a nullity,
Which she already has tooke counsell of:
Come it is so.
Triph.
Nay tell me now, 
Quartilla,
Can I behold the current of that loue
Should flow to me with a prodigious course,
Runne backe to his owne head, to haue a husband
That should grow old in admiration
Of the rare choyce he made in me, at last,
As if there were a barrennesse and want
Of my perfections, dote upon himselfe?
I could plot against him? Pre'thee 
Quartilla,

[Page]How long hast thou beene chaste?
Quar.
This chastity
Is quite out of date, a meere obsolete thing,
Cleane out of use, since I was first a Mayd,
Why doe I say a Maid? let 
Iuno plague me,
If I remember it, for I began
Betimes, and so progrest from lesse to bigger,
From boyes to Lads, and as I grew in yeares,
I writ my Venery in a larger volume.
Triph.
Where's my brother?
Quar.
With his Tutor forsooth
Triph.
I thinke that dull 
Prometheus was asleepe
When he did forme him, had he but so much
As the least sparke of salt that is in me,
He would see me righted.
Quart.
He is very obtuse,
And so are many of your elder brothers.
I carried all the wit from mine, when I
Was young, I'de haue look: a Captaine in the face,
Answerd him in the Dialogue, and haue stood
On tip-toe to haue kist him: But for your brother,
Doe not despaire good Madam, what although
His breeding be a little course, he may be
A Lord in's time, now he has meanes enough?
Thiph.
I sent for him up hither to that purpose:
But yet I am asham'd to have him seene,
Or shew him publikely.
Quar.
You haue prouided
A Tutor to inst
 [...]uct him, a rare man,
One that has poyson'd me with eloquence,
I feare he will make my belly swell with it.
Triph.
Goe call the Novice hither, and his Tutor.
Exit Quartilla.
And now I thinke on't. M
r. 
Trimalchio
Shall take him strait to court with him, to learne
And imitate his fashions, sucke from him
The Quintessence of education.
He is the onely man I know, and for
His face, it is the abstract of all beauty.

[Page]Nor does his voyce sound mortall, I could dwell
For euer on his lip, his very speech
Would season a tragedy; nay more, there is
A naturall grace in all his actions.

ACT. 2. SCEN. 5.

Thiphaena. Quartilla, Capritio, Miscellanio.

Triph.

VVHat are you come, tis wel, advance yet forward

We ever told you what a hatefull vice

This bashfulnesse was counted.

Quart.

You forget

The Theoremes we told you. Lord how often

Shall we inforce these documents upon you?

Capr:

May not a man buy a brazen face, think you,

Among all this Company?

Quar.

By no meanes

Your Trades-men will not part with them, there are

Many i'th City haue such furniture,

But they doe keepe them for their owne wearing.

Miscel.

Stand by a while, let me salute these Ladies.

Haile to these twins of honour, and of beauty.

Quar.

Sir, you transgresse in your opinion,

If you consider both, alas my beauty

Is much exhausted.

Miscel.

Lady, you are deceiued,

For you are amiable, or else I haue

In vaine, so often exercised my iudgement

In the distinction of faces.

Quart.

I shall

Be proud to be so seated in your favour.

Triph.

But tell me, Signeour Miscellanio,

What thinke you of your pupill?

Miscel.

Troth I found him

As rude as any Chaos, so confus'd

I knew not which way to distinguish him.

He seem'd to me, not to participate

Of any Gentle Nature, never I thinke,

[Page]

To fashion out a Mercury with such

A crooked peece of timber, was attempted

By a true traveller: but I hope in time

To rectifie him, for Labor vincit omnia.

Triph.

Does he come on well, is there any hope

He will receive his true dye, his right tincture?

Miscel.

I warrant you, that I'll make him in time,

A perfect Caveleiro: he shall weare

His clothes as well, and smell as ranke as they,

And court his Mistris, and talke idlely: that's

As much as can be required in a true Gallant,

T'approue him one: nay more too, he shall dance

And doe the halfe Pomado, play at Gleeke,

And promise more than ere he will performe,

And nere part with a penny to a Trades-man

Til he has beat him for't: shall walke the streets

As gingerly, as if he fear'd to hurt

The ground he went on, whilst his cast downe eye

Holds commerce with his legge: shall utter nothing

What ere he thinkes, yet sweare't what ere it be.

Nay more, he shall vow love to all he sees,

And damne himselfe to make them beleeue it.

Shall fawne on all men, yet let his friend perish,

For what he spends in one day on his Punke,

For Coach hire: these are speciall properties,

And must be often practis'd, to remember,

He shall neuer rise till it be ten a clocke,

And so be ready against dinner time.

Caprit.

'Slight and my father had not bin an Asse,

I might haue beene able to haue writ this downe.

Triph.

Pray let me heare how he has profited.

Miscel.

Salute these Ladies as you were instructed.

You must conceiue the coldnesse of his courtship,

As yet points but one way; you may suppose it

To his disdainfull Mistris, when he shall come to

The Cape de bone speranza of her loue,

He may vary like the compasse of his complement.

Capr.

Lady, the Fates have led me to your service,

[Page]

To know my selfe vnworthy of your favours.

Yet let me so farre winne upon your bountie,

That what I utter in humilitie,

May not cause my contempt, or have my loue

Shak'd off, because tis ripe, but let me hang by

The stalke of your mercie, the remnant of whose life

Lies in your power.

Miscel.

Your oath now to confirme it,

If she should chance to doubt, or presse you to it.

Caprit.

That's true indeed. By the structure of your breasts,

And by the si [...]ken knot that tyes your haire

Vpon the top of your crowne, I protest it.

Quart.

If he can persevere, tis excellent.

Enter Trimalchio.

Trim.

Where be these noble Ladies?

Triph.

Sir you are come in the most happy houre,

I was wishing for you.

Trim.

I am in haste,

And onely come to see you: there's a banquet

Stands ready on the table, and the Lords

Sweare they will not sit downe, untill I come.

Trip.

You stil are in such hast, when you come hither.

Trim.

I thinke I must retire my selfe, I am

So sued and sought to, where I come, I am growne

Even weary of their loves: Last night at a Masque,

When none could be admitted. I was led in

By the hand, by a great Lord, that shall be namelesse,

And now this morning early, in his Chamber,

A Fencer would needs play with me at foyles,

I hit him in three places, and disarm'd him.

Quar.

Why now my dreame is out, I lay last night

Vpon my backe, and was adream'd of fighting.

Trip.

Sir, will you please to know these Gentlemen,

My brother, and his Tutor.

Trim.

I must craue pardon,

Is this your brother?

Triph.

Yes.

Trim.

I must embrace him.

[Page]

I neuer saw a man in all my life

I so affected on the sudden, sure

There's some Nobility does lurke within him

That's not perspicuous to euery eye:

He promises so faire, I should haue knowne him

To be your brother, had you not told me so.

Miscel.

Your method now of thankes.

Caprit.

Right Noble Sir,

I haue so often times beene honour'd,

And so much madefied.

Quart.

That word I taught him.

Capr.

With the distilling influence of your bounty.

That I must blame my selfe, and my hard fortune,

That has envyed me the ability

To render satisfaction.

Miscel.

Very well.

Trip.

Sir you must pardon him, he is but a Novice,

Newly initiated, and 'tis his fault,

That he is bashfull.

Trim.

Is that all? I'll take him

To Court with me, where he shall be acquainted

With Pages, Laundresses, and wayting women,

Shall teach him impudence enough.

Trip.

'Tis my desire.

Quar.

His Tutor has taught him the Theory.

Onely he wants the practike.

Trim.

I pray Sir,

Without offence, may I demand of you,

What doe you professe?

Miscel.

Why Sir, any thing

Within the compasse of humanity.

To speake, or act, no Pythagorean

Could euer thinke upon so many shapes

As I will put you in; the French, the Spanish,

Or the Italian garbe; not any one,

But ioyntly all, I'll make a perfect ma [...]

Out of the shreds of them.

Quart.

Besides the riding

[Page]

Of the great Mare; nay Sir, his very carvings,

Euen to the discecting of a Capon.

Are Lectures of Anatomy.

Trim.

I shall

Be proud to know him.

Miscel.

Now I collect my selfe,

Sure I haue scene you Sir in Padua,

Or some face neere like yours.

Trim.

I haue indeed,

Receiu'd letters of invitation

From one, that's sonne to a Magnifice,

Who is inform'd that I am very like him.

Miscel.

There was the mistake then.

Trim.

Sir, had I power

O're my occasions, which now are urgent,

I would most willingly imploy the time

In survay of your vertues.

Miscel.

Sir, it has beene

The scope I euer aym'd at in my travels,

To seeke out, and converse with such as haue

With forraine obseruations advanc'd

Their naturall endowments, and I thanke

My Starres, I haue beene euer fortunate

To be belou'd amongst them, and that you

Are one, I make no question.

Trim.

Sir, you need not.

Miscel.

My mind was euer larger, than to be

Compris'd within the limits of my Country.

And I congratulate my Fate, in that

I come so neare the vertue of that planet,

That rui'd at my Nativitie; whose nature,

Which e're it be, is euer to be wandring.

Trim.

Sir I must be abrupt, but for my promise

Vnto some Noble friends that doe expect me,

I could not asily be drawne away

From o [...]e in whom so many seuerall graces [...]

Are so apparent, therefore I intreat you

Not to impute it to my lacke of iudgement,

[Page]

Or neglect of your worth.

Miscel.

By no meanes, Sir,

Friendship is turn'd into an iniury

When it usurps authority, conceiue me,

O're a friends businesse, some other time

Shall serue to giue a mutuall testimonie

Of love betweene us, and how much I honour you.

Quar.

When will you doe this?

Capr.

I am practising.

Trip.

Prethee Quartilla, helpe me stave them off.

Although they haue no mercy on themselues

Yet we must use some conscience.

Quar.

Gentlemen,

You'l breake your wits with stretching them, forbeare

I beseech you.

Trim.

My wit, it never failes me,

I haue it at a certainty: I'll set it

To runne so many houres, and when 'tis downe,

I can wind it up like a Watch. But I feare

I have deceiu'd the time too long. Ladies,

I'll take my leaue of your faire beauties: you haue

No seruice to enjoyne?

Trip.

You'll take my brother

Capritio with you.

Trim.

If he please, and his Tutor.

Miscel.

My suff [...]age shall consent to any thing

Her Lady ship approues.

Quart.

You must remember,

You proue not refractory to your discipline,

'Twill be much for your improvement.

Trim.

I'll bring him

Vnto a Captaine, shall set both our faces

To looke like the very Ianus of a States-man,

And so farewell. Come Sir.

Exeunt Trimalchio, Capritio.

Triph.

I told you, Signiour,

What a rare man he was.

Miscel.

In all my travels

[Page]

a ue not met the like; not any one

Was so mellifluous in his discourse.

I thinke when he was young, some swarme of Bees

Did light upon his lips, as it was fain'd

Of Hesiod.

Triph.

Let's in, for I shall mourne,

And be melancholy, till his returne.

ACT. 3.

SCEN. 1.

Philautus, Ardelio.

Phil.

ARdelio, we are now alone, come tell me

Truly, how does the vulgar voice passe on me.

Ar.

Why Sir, the shallow currents of their brains

Runnes all into one streame, to make a deepe,

To beare the weighty burthen of your fame.

Phil.

And 'tis all true they say.

Ard.

That you are most faire,

A most exact, accomplisht, gentile Lord,

Not to be contradicted, 'tis a truth

Aboue all truths, for where is any truth,

That is agreed upon by all, but this?

Phil.

Such is the force of beauty, there is nothing

Can please without it, and who euer has it,

As there be few, is adjudg'd happy in it.

Ardel.

All this is true.

Philau.

Then he that has a pure

And sublim'd beauty, 'tis a thing sensible,

And cannot be denyed, must be admir'd,

And free from all detraction.

Ardel.

This is true.

Phil.

He that excels in valour, wit, or honour,

He that is rich, or vertuous, may be envy'd,

But love is the reward of beauty; no obiect

Surprises more the eye, all that delights us,

We ascribe beauty to it.

[Page]

Ardel.

All this is true.

Phi.

Looke high or low, 'tis true, why are the stars

Fixt in their Orbes, but to adorne the heauens?

And we adore their beauty more than light.

Looke on the Arts, how they tend all to beauty,

'Tis their onely end: he that builds a house,

Striues not so much for use, as ornament,

Nor does your Orator compose a speech

With lesser care, to haue it elegant,

Then moving; and your Limner does obserue

The trimne, and dresse, more then the rules of painting.

Ard.

All truth, and Oracles.

Phi.

Look on a faire ship,

And you will say, 'tis very beautifull.

A Generall reioyces in the title

Of a faire Army. I'll come nearer to you;

Who were thought worthy to be deified,

But such as were found beautifull? for this cause,

Iove tooke up Ganimede from Ida hill,

To fill him wine, and goe a hunting with him.

Ard.

'Tis too much truth to be spoke at one time.

Philau.

It shall suffice, but yet you know that man

May safely venter to goe on his way,

That is so guided, that he can not stray.

Enter Fidelio.

How now, hast thou obtain'd in thy request?

Fid.

I haue with much entreaty gain'd your admittance

Phil.

Let me embrace my better Genius.

Fid.

I doe not use the profession.

Phil.

'Tis an Art

Will make thee thrive; will she be coy enough?

To tell you true, I take a more delight

In the perplexity of woing them,

Then the enioying.

Fid.

She is as I told you:

Phil.

If she be otherwise than I conceiue.

A pox on the Augury.

Fid.

But harke you, Sir,

You need not be known who you are.

Phi.

For that,

Trust to my care; Come let us goe about it.

[Page]

Some men may terme it lust; but if it hi [...],

The better part shall be ascrib'd to wit.

Exeunt.

ACT. 3. SCEN. 2.

Taimaelchio, Capritio, Agurtes, Autolicus.

Trim.

HOw goes our matters forward?

Ag.

Very well Sir.

For I haue made your entrance open; told her

All that I can to grace you, that you are

Exactly qualified, unparalleld,

For your rare parts of mind, and body, full

Of rare bounty, and that she likes best in you,

Shee holds it a good argument you will

Maintaine her well hereafter, marry else

She is naturall covetous, but that's

A point of Huswivery, she does not care,

You should spend much upon your selfe, and can

Dispense with house keeping; so you allow her

To keepe her State, her Coach, and the fashion,

These things she meanes to article beforehand,

I tell you what you must trust to.

Trim.

Very well Sir.

Agu.

Now see that you be circumspect, and faile not

In the least circumstance; you may doe somewhat

Extraordinary, at the first meeting.

For when she has conceiv'd of your good nature,

The lesse will be expected.

Trim.

Why the Captaine

Has put me in a forme:

Agur.

Of words he has.

But you must doe the deeds.

Trim.

I, so I will.

For looke you Sir, I haue the seuerall graces

Of foure Nations, in imitation

Of the foure Elements, that make a man

Concu [...]re to my perfection.

Ag.

As how?

Trim.

I am in my complement, an Italian,

[Page]

n my heart a Spaniard,

In my disease a Frenchman,

And in mine appetite an Hungarian.

Agur.

All these are good and commendable things

In a Companion, but your subtle women

Take not a mans desert on trust, they must

See and feele something, what you giue her now,

You make her but the keeper, 'tis your owne,

You winne her by it: I should be loath to see you

Out done with Courtesies: what if some Gull,

That has more land than you, should interpose it,

And make ecclipse betweene you? 'tis a feare,

Therefore you must be sodaine, and dispatch it,

For she is ticklish as any Haggard,

And quickly lost: she is very humoursome.

Trim.

I'll fit her then, I am as humoursome

As her selfe, I haue all the foure humors.

I am hot, I am cold,

I am dry, and I am moyst.

Agur.

I must be like the Satyr then, and leaue you,

If you are hot and cold.

Trim.

Oh you mistake me.

I am 
 [...]ot in my ambition,
I am dry in my iests,
I am cold in my charity,
And moyst in my luxury.

Autol.

Sir, for the Gentlewoman that is with her,

Not so much in the nature of a servant,

As her Companion; for 'tis the fashion

Amongst your great ones, to haue those wait on them

As good as themselues: she is the sole daughter

To a great Knight, and has an ample dowry.

Apply your selfe to her, though it be nothing

Else but to practise Courtship, and to keepe you

From sleepe and idlenesse.

Caprit.

I shall be rul'd

By you in any thing.

Autol.

You shall not doe

[Page]

Amisse then: what? you may get her good will:

And then obiect it to your friends; you can

Advance your selfe without their counsell.

Capr:

Counsell;

I still scorn'd that.

Trim.

Captaine, a word with you:

Were I not best looke like a Statesman, thinke you?

Autol.

What to a woman? 'twere a solecisme

In nature, for you know Cupid's a boy,

And would you tyre him like a Senator,

And put a declamation in his mouth?

Twere a meere madnesse in you: here they come;

See what a Maiesty she beares, goe meet her.

ACT. 3. SCEN. 3.

Trimalchio, Capritio, Agurtes, Autolicus, Millicent, Margery.

Tri.

STand by, it is my happinesse invites me.

O that I could appeare like Iupiter,

Vnto his Semele.

Agur.

Why, would you burne her?

Tri.

Yes, with my love I would; most Luculent Lady,

After the late collection of my spirits,

Lost in the admiration of your beauty,

Let me crave pardon.

Milles.

Sir, for what?

Trim.

My boldnesse.

Milles.

I apprehend none.

Trim.

You must pardon me,

For I am jealous of the least digression:

And you may justly frowne.

Milles.

I should be loath,

To acknowledge so much from you.

Trim.

Lady, you have those faire additions

Of wealth, and parentage, joyn'd to your vertues,

That I may justly suspect your disdaine:

But by my hopes, I doe not court your fortunes,

But you.

[Page]

Milles.

Beleeve me, no deserving man

Shall be the lesse esteem'd for that, where I finde

Ability to governe, what I bring him.

Tis that I valew: things that are without me,

I count them not my owne.

Trim.

Tis a speech Lady,

Worthy an Empresse. I am a made man,

Since you have cleer'd the heaven of your brow:

Now by that light I sweare, a brighter day

N [...]e broke upon me.

Agur.

Sir, I hope this Lady

Shall have no cause to repent your admittance.

Milles.

Sir, for my part, s [...]nce vertue is my guard,

I doe not onely keepe my door [...]s st [...]l open,

Bu [...] [...] breast [...]o [...], fo [...] Gentlemen of merit.

Trim.

Now by this ayre, that does report your voice

With a sound more then mortall: by your faire eyes,

And as I hope to be enrold your servant,

I honour the meanest stitch in your garment.

Milles.

I would not wish you place your love upon

A thing so meane, so likely to be cast off.

Trim.

O divine counsell! that so rare a beauty

Should mixe with wisedome: these words are not lost.

I am your slave for ever. I'll goe hire

Six Poets to sing your praise, and I my selfe

Will be the seventh to make up the consort.

Autol.

You see your friend there, M ^r Trimalchio

Is like to speed, and fairely on his way

To much happinesse. I would not willingly

That any should miscarrie in a plot

That I have a hand in: you must be sodaine

I told you, it you meane to be a favourite

To fortune, and your Mistris, and be bold.

Cap.

If I had spoke to her, the brunt were past.

Autol.

I then the yee were broke; now she makes towards you,

Tis the best time, let no occasion slip,

Cap.

Lady advance the p [...]nnacle of your thoughts,

And enlarge the quadrangle of your heart,

[Page]

To entertaine a man of men.

Autol.

A man

Of meanes, sweet Lady, that I can assure you.

Marg.

Hee's so much the more welcome, I assure you,

Autol.

You are welcome by this meanes, doe you mark that?

Caprit.

Some 3000. a yeare or thereabouts.

Alas I value it not, 'twill serue to trifle

In pinnes, and gloves, and toies, and banquets.

Marg.

'Tis much.

One of so tender yeares, should step so soone

Into the world.

Caprit.

Indeed the spring of my courtship

Has beene somewhat backward: but I will striue

To redeeme it; I haue some seeds a growing,

Shall make m'ere long, spread like a Gentleman,

And you shall say so too.

Marg.

I doe beleeue it.

Caprit.

Nay where you doe or no, 'tis no great matter.

Autol.

Be not Capritious.

Caprit.

My name's Capritio.

There be in Towne of the Capritio's,

Came from our house, that shall approve it so.

Autol.

What will you say, if I shew you a way

To get a generall credit?

Caprit.

Can you doe it?

Autol.

I can, and will; I'll haue you out of hand,

The master of a good horse, and a good dogge,

And be knowne by them.

Caprit.

Will that doe it?

Autol.

Will it?

Why when you once haue match'd your horse, or dogge.

The adverse party being a man of note,

'Twill raise an inquisition after you.

Whose is the horse, sayes one, M ^r, Capritioes.

What he, sayes another? a Noble Gentleman.

'Twill draw the eyes of a whole Shire upon you,

Besides the Citizens that goe downe to bett.

Caprit.

Why this is rare indeed.

Autol.

And then 'twill furnish you

[Page]

With fitting discourse for any mans table.

A horse and a dogge, no better a subiect

To exercise your tongue in, many Ladies

Talke in that dialogue; besides, there being

A kind of neare relation in the nature

Of you and those beasts. the good qualities

That are in them, may be thought to be yours.

Cap.

I'll buy me a dancing horse that can caper,

And haue him call'd Capritio, by my name.

Aut.

You may doe so.

Capr.

Lady, by your leaue I will.

Mar.

Sir, what you please.

Au.

Her desires go with yours.

Obserue but what a wife sh'is like to proue,

That is no more imperious being a Mistris.

Cap.

Brother come hither.

Trim.

I am busie here.

How doe you like the fabricke of this Watch?

Milles.

Pray let me see it, a rare peece of worke.

Trim.

It cost me twelve pound, by this light, this morning.

Milles.

But that it was so deare, I would haue begg'd it.

Trim.

'Tis at your service, Lady.

Milles.

I'll make vse of

Your courtesie, with many thankes, Sir.

Trim.

Nay, but

You must not haue it.

Milles.

Will you goe from your word?

Trim.

I'll giue you as good, but this is none of mine,

By this hand I borrowed it.

Milles.

You said you bought it.

Trim.

I said so indeed.

Milles.

You should doe well to buy you

A better memorie, as I shall hereafter,

To keepe at distance with you.

Exit Millescent,

Agur.

Is she gone?

Trim.

Gone in a fume.

Agur.

How did you anger her?

Trim.

She would haue begd my Watch, and I excus'd it.

Agur.

She beg your Watch? she scorns to beg any thing.

Shee has more than shee can tell what to doe with.

Perhaps shee long'd for yours, and would receiue it

As acourtesie, why would you shew it her,

Vnlesse you meant to part with it?

[Page]

Trim.

I know not:

I thinke my wit was crampt,

Agur.

You must nere looke for,

The like occasion offerd you; why this

Was such a time to win her loue: a gift

Would put her every houre in minde of you.

Trim.

What shall I doe?

Agur.

Best send it after her.

Trim.

Doe you carry it; tell her withall, I'll send her

A Coach and foure horses, to make her amends.

Agur.

Give me the Watch, if I doe make all good,

Will you performe your promise?

Trim.

By my life,

I'll send them without faile, immediatly.

Ag.

I'll after her, and see what I can do.

Exit Agurtes

Cap.

Stand for a watch: here take this Diamond:

Nay, doe not wrong me, I have sworne you shall,

Were it as good as that which was made precious

By B [...]renices finger, which Agrippa

Gave his incestuous sister, you should have it.

What doe you thinke I am an Asse? no sir,

Tis he has taught me wit.

Auto.

And you are happy,

That can [...]e wise by other mens examples.

Cap.

What should I loose my Mistris for a toy?

Trim.

Lead on good brother, I am all of a sweat,

Vntill some gale of comfort blow upon me.

Exeunt.

ACT. 3. SCEN. 4.

Philautus, Fidelio, Faustina.

Fid.

YOu see that I have brought you to the treasure,

And the rich garden of th'Hesperides:

If you can charme those ever-watchfull eyes

That keepe the tree, then you may pull the fruit,

And after glorie in the spoyle of honour.

Phil.

Prethee let me alone with her.

Fid.

I'll leave you.

Exit Fidelio:

[Page]

Phil.

Ladie, my preface is to know your name.

Fau.

Faustina, Sir.

Phil.

I may be happie in you.

I have a sister somewhere of that name,

That in her youth did promise such a feature,

And hopes of future excellence: she had

A beautie mixt with maiestie, would draw

From the beholders, love, and reverence.

And I doe ill me thinkes, with unchaste thoughts

To sinne against her memorie: this taske

Would I were rid of; but I'll venter. Ladie,

You are not blinde, I conceive.

Fau.

No sir, I have not

Yet seene a thing so strongly sensible,

To hurt my eye-sight.

Phil.

Then I hope you can

Take notice of a Gentlemans good parts,

Without a Periphrasis.

Fau.

What's that?

Phil.

A figure,

Needlesse at this time to explaine my deserts,

So easie and apparent to be seene.

Fau.

I dare not enuie, nor detract, where worth

Do [...]s challenge due relation of respect:

Nor is my wit so curious, to make

A glosse or comment on your qualities.

Phil.

Tis too much labour, 'twere a taske would dull

The edg [...] of Rhetoricke, to describe them rightly;

Nor would I have them dwell upon your tongue,

But fixed in your thoughts, there let them moue

Till they meet in coniunct: on with your love;

Nature would boast so sweet a simpathie:

Fau.

I should be sorrie, if my understanding

Moud in so poore a circle, as your praise;

I have not leisure to take notice of it.

Is this all you have to say?

Phil.

No, I have more;

But love is slow to dictate to my vowes:

And yet those sacred and divine impulsions,

Strike truer then my heart, and by his power

That has inflam'd me, here I sweare I love you.

[Page]

Faust.

Your oaths and loue, are made of the same ayre.

Both dye in their conception: quickly utterd,

And as easily not beleeued.

Phil.

Nay now you wrong

My true intent.

Faust.

Suppose I grant you loue me,

What would you inferre?

Phil.

That you should speake the like,

And with the same affection.

Faust.

If your loue

Be not a Bawd unto some base desire,

I doe returne the like.

Phil.

I know not how

You may interpret it, but sure the law,

And the command of nature, is no basenesse,

A thing that love himselfe has dignified,

And in his rapes confess'd the god of loue

The greater of the two, whō Kings haue stoopt to,

We are allow'd t' inioy some stolne delights,

So we be secret in't; for 'tis set downe

By such as in this art haue skilfull beene.

W' are not forbid to act, but to be seene.

Faust.

Vpon these termes, I doe deny you loue me

'Twas lust that flatter'd sinne, made loue a god,

And to get freedome for his thefts, they gaue

Madnesse the title of a Deitie.

For how can that be loue, which seeks the ruine

Of his owne obiect, and the thing beloued.

No, true loue is a pure affection,

That giues the soule transparent, and not that

That's conversant in beastly appetites.

Phil.

Tell not me of your Philosophicall loue.

I am a foole to linger, womens denyall

Is but an easie cruelty, and they

Love to be forc'd sometimes.

Faust.

Pray know your distance.

Phi.

Come you dissemble, and you all are willing

Faust.

To what?

[Page]

Phil.

There's none of you but feele the smart

Of a libidinous sting; else wherefore are

Those baits and strong allurements to intice us?

Wherefore are all your sleekings, and your curlings,

Crispings, and paintings, and your skinne made soft,

And your face smooth with ointments, then your gate,

Confin'd to measure, and compos'd by art,

Besides the wanton petulancy of your eyes,

That scatter flames with doubtfull motion,

Vnlesse it were to prostitute your beauty?

Faust.

I'll giue account for none Sir, but my selfe.

And that I'll speake before my Virgin Zone,

Shall be vnti'de by any unchaste hand,

Nature shall suffer dissolution.

But what ere others be, me thinkes your worth

Should not pretend to an ignoble action.

Phil.

Now by this light I thinke you'll moralize mee.

Faust.

'Tis my desire you should goe better from mee

Then you came hither; you haue some good parts

But they are all exteriour, and these breed

A selfe conceit, an affectation in you,

And what more odious? Some applaud you in it,

As parasites, but wise men laugh at you.

Will you imploy those gifts that may commend you,

And adde a grace to goodnesse, had you any,

In the pursuit of vice, that renders you,

Worthy of nought but pittie?

Phil.

I c [...]me as to

A Whore, but shall returne as from a Saint.

Faust.

Then leave to prosecute the foggy vapours

Of a grosse pleasure, that involves the soule

In clouds of infamie. I wonder one

So compleat in the structure of his bodie,

Should haue his minde so disproportion'd,

The lineaments of vertue quite defac'd.

Phil.

I am subdu'd, she has converted mee.

I see within the mirror of her goodnesse,

The foulnesse of my folly: sweet instruct me.

[Page]

And I will stile thee my Aegeria.

Fau.

It is a shame, that man that has the seeds

Of vertue in him, springing unto glory,

Should make his soule degenerous with sinne,

And slave to luxury, to drowne his spirits

In Lees of sloth, to yeeld up the weake day,

To wine, to lust, and banquets.

Phil.

Here's a woman:

The soule of Hercules has got into her.

She has a spirit, is more masculine,

Then the first gender: how her speech has fill'd me

With love and wonder? sweet [...]adie proceed▪

Fau.

I would have you proceed, and seeke for fame

In brave exploits, like those that snatch their honour

Out of the talents of the Roman Eagle.

And pull her golden feathers in the field.

Those are brave men, not you that stay at home,

And dresse your selfe up, like a Pageant,

With thousand anticke, and exoticke shapes,

That make an idoll of a Looking-glasse,

Sprusing your selfe two houres by it, with such

Gestures and postures, that a waiting wench

Would be asham'd of you, and then come forth

T'adore your Mistris Fanne, or tell your dreame,

Ravish a [...]sse from her white glove, and then

Compare it with her hand, to praise her gowne,

Her Tire, and discourse of the fashion;

Make discovery, which Ladie paints, which not:

Which Lord playes best at Gleeke, which best at Racket.

Thes [...] are fine elements.

Phil.

You have redeem'd me,

And with the sunnie beames of your good counsell

D [...]sperst the mist that hung so heavie on me:

And that you may perceive it takes effect,

I'll to the warres immediately.

Fau.

Why then,

I must confesse I shall love you the better.

Phil.

I will begin it in your happy omen:

[Page]

But first confesse, that you haue vanquisht me.

And if I shall orecome an enemy,

Yeild you the Trophies of the victory.

Faust.

Please you walke in the while.

Phil.

I shall attend you.

Exit Faustina.

Henceforth I'le striue to flye the sight of pleasure,

As of an Harpy or a Basiliske,

And when she flatters, seale my eares with Waxe,

Tooke from that boat, that rowed with a deafe oare,

From the sweete tunes of the Sicilian shoare.

Enter Trimalchio, Capritio, Fidelio, Ardelio, Snarle.

Trim.

Are you for the warre indeed?

Phil.

Immediately.

Is there any of you will goe along with me,

Besides this Gentleman?

Trim.

I thinke no body.

Phil.

Ardelio, thou art my faythfull seruant.

Ard.

Alasse sir,

My body is fat, and spungy, penetrable;

And the least cold will kill mee.

Snarle.

Yet his face

Is hatcht with impudency, threefold thicke.

Ard.

I am not for your Trenches, and cold crampes,

Their discipline will quickely bring me vnder:

Ile stay at home, and looke to your businesse.

Phil.

Brother Capritìo, what say you to it?

Caprit.

Who I? ods lid I am not such an Asse,

To goe amongst them, like your volunteers,

That frighted worse at home with debt and danger,

Trauell abroad i'th summer to see seruice,

And then come home i'th winter, to drinke Sacke.

I am none of those, i'le hardly trust my selfe

In the Artillery yard, for feare of mischiefe.

Phil.

M ^r. Trimalehio, you are yong and lusty,

Full of ambitious thoughts.

Trim.

'Tis true indeede,

That I am growne ambitious of honour.

[Page]

And meane to purchase it.

Snarle.

But with no danger

Of life and hope.

Trim.

I meane to hazard a limme for it.

Phil.

Why, whither are you going?

Trim.

To the Leager,

Vpon the same imployment, that Hercules

Did once against the Amazons.

Snarle.

And I

Will stay at home, and write their annals for them.

Phil.

Stay all at home, and hug your ignominyes,

And whilst we spoyle the enemy, may you

Be pil'd by pimpes. Cheaters intrench vpon you.

Let Bawds, and their issues ioyne with you. Marry

With whores, and let proiectors rifle for you.

And so I leaue you.

Trim.

We shall heare of you,

By the next Caranto, I make no doubt of it.

Actus 4.

Scene 1.

Trimalchio, Capritio.

Trim.

Brother Capritto, are you well prouided

With ammunition? arm'd Capa pea,

To scale the Fort of our Semiramis?

Capr.

I am appoynted, Brother.

Trim.

Then let vs on,

And beate a parly at the gates. So, ho.

Enter Pander.

Pand.

How now what bold aduenturers be here?

What desperat rudenesse tempts you to your ruine?

Here are no Geese to keepe our Capitoll.

But men of armes, you slaues, stout impes of Mars:

Gyants, sonnes of the Earth, that shall rise vp,

Like Cadmus progeny, to fight it out,

Till you are all consumed. Haue you any gold?

Tis that must breake our gates ope: there are lockt

A score of Danaes wenches of delight,

Within this Castle, if I list to shew you

[Page]

Where Circe keepes her residence, that shall,

If shee but lay her rod vpon your necks,

Transforme you into Apes, & Swine, you sheeps face.

If thou shal't once but drinke of her inchantments,

Shee'll make a Lyon of thee.

Caprit.

Alasse sir,

I had rather looke like an Asse, as I am still.

Trim.

Bee not too boistrous, my sonne of thunder.

Wee are wel-wishers to thy campe, and thee,

Here is a freshman, I would haue acquainted

With the mystery of your iniquity.

Pand.

I do imbrace thy league, and returne the hand

Of friendship. To thy better vnderstanding,

I will discouer the situation of the place.

Tis of it selfe an Iland, a meere Swans nest:

Which had Vlisses seene, he would prefer

Before his Ithaca, and he whom Fate

Shall blesse to vanquish it; Hee may deserue

The name of a new conquerour. It has

The credit, to bee styl'd the Terra florida,

Of the best beautyes in the Towne, my friend,

That repaire hither vpon the least summons,

Besides some that are constant to their trenches.

Ʋenus in his house is predominant.

Tis barren, I confesse. Yet wholy giuen

To the deeds of fructication. But those

Are barrd from comming to perfection,

With Rhewmes, and diseases. You Dormise,

What must I reade a lecture to you gratis?

Trim.

No sir, here's money for you.

Pander,

You may enter,

And returne safe, vpon your good behauiour.

Actus 4. Sene 2.

Bawd 2. Whores.

Bawd.

Well, they may talke of Dunkerke, or of Callis,

Enricht with forraine booties, but if euer

[Page]

A little Garrison, or sconce, as this,

Were so fild vp with spoyles, let me be carted.

1. Whore.

And carry it so cunningly away,

Beyond the reach of Iustice, and of all

The iurisdiction in our owne hand,

Like a free state.

Bawd.

Did not I purchase it?

And am not I the Lady of the Mannor?

And who shall dare to question mee? I hope,

I shall be able to defend my Fort,

From the inuasion of the painted staffe,

Or the tempestuous paper Engine, safe,

As a Moale in a Trench, and worke at hie midnight.

When their wise heads are layd, wee'l rayse the spirits

Of our dead pleasures, vse the benefit

Of youth, and dance our Orgyes by the Moonelight.

1. Whore.

I hope they need not to condemne vs, wee driue

As open trade as they, and vent as ill

Commodities, as any: all that we vtter,

Is in darke shoppes, or else by candlelight.

2. Whore.

We are become the enuy of Citizens.

1. Whore.

It is reported that we study physicke.

Bawd.

Why so?

1. Whore.

The reason is, because we know

The seuerall constitutions of mens bodies.

2. Whore.

And some tearme vs the Leager▪

Bawd.

We defye

The force of any man, who's that knocks so?

Go bid the watch looke out, and if their number

Be not too plurall, then let them come in.

But if they chance to bee those ruffian Souldiers,

Let fall the purcullis. All they can do,

Is to discharge a volley of oathes at me.

Ile take no tickets, nor no future stipends.

Tis not false titles, or denominations

Of offices can do it. I must haue money.

Tell them so, draw the bridge. Ile make them know,

This is no widdowes house, but Marcus Manitius,

Is Lord of the Iland, Who wast?

[Page]

1. Whore.

The Constable.

Bawd.

What would he haue?

2. Whore.

You know his businesse.

Bawd.

Pox on the Marshall, and the Constable.

There cannot be a Mystery in a Trade,

But they must peepe into it. Mercilesse varlets,

That know how many fall by our occupation,

And yet would haue their Venery for nothing.

A chambermayd can't haue a Ruffe to set,

But they must bee poking in it;

Now they haue brought vs vnder contribution,

They vex vs more then the Venetians doe

The whole Corporation of Curtezans:

But we must giue good words, shew them a roome.

Enter Ardelio.

Ard.

There's hot seruice within, I heare the Muskets

Play from the Rampiers. I am valiant,

And will venter vpon the very mouthes of them.

Bawd.

M ^r. Ardelio, you haue beene a stranger.

You are growne rich of late.

Ard.

Who, I growne rich?

Bawd.

Yes somewhat pursy for want of exercise.

Ard.

Well, I was wont to put in for a gamester.

But now I am quite thrust out of all play.

Bawd.

We were wont to be your subiects to worke on,

And since you scorne vs, yet you cannot say,

But you haue found good dealing at our hands.

2. Whore.

We haue bin alwaies bent to your worships will

And forward to helpe you on at all times.

Ard.

Come, you are good wenches.

Bawd.

Truely sir you know,

I keepe as good creatures at liuery,

And as cheape too, as any poore sinner

Of my profession.

Ard.

Hast thou ere a morsell,

That is not tainted, or flye blowne?

Bawd.

Indeede I haue

So much adoe to keepe my family sound,

You would wonder at it▪ and such as are so,

They are taken vp presently. But I haue one,

[Page]

I dare commend to you, for wind and limme.

Ard.

Come, let me haue her then.

Bawd.

Please you walke in, sir.

Exit Ardolio.

Enter Miscellanio.

Miscel.

Its strange there is no more attendance giuen,

To vsher in a man of my quality.

Are you the Gouernesse of this Cinqueport, Lady?

Bawd.

The fortresse, sir, is mine, and none come here,

But pay me custome.

Miscel.

Hast thou nere a Pilot,

Or man of warre to conduct a man safe

Into thy Harbour? there be roagues abroade.

Piraticall varlets that would pillage mee.

Bawd.

Very well, sir.

Miscel.

I thought at first, you would haue bard my entrance.

Bawd.

I doe not vse the fashions of those Countries,

That keepe a stranger out foure weekes at sea,

To know if hee bee sound. I make no scruple,

But giue free traffique to all Nations.

If you haue payd your due, you may put in,

There is the way, Ile follow presently.

Exit Miscellanio.

I thinke our souldiers are all come, lets in

And set the watch.

Enter Trimalchio, Capritio.

Trim.

Stay punke, make roome for vs,

That haue aduanc'd our banners to thy walls,

Past all the pikes, the perdues, and the Centries.

Tis a good Omen, whers Bellona there,

And the daughters of Mars, those braue Girles?

We are come to pay our homage to their smockes.

Bawd.

Nay, if you are vnruly, we shall tame you.

Trim.

Feare not, wee are tributaries, punke.

Bawd.

Sir, doe you speake with no more reuerence

To me? it seemes you know me not

Trim.

I shall

Endeauour to preserue thy dignity,

Art thou that braue Hyppolite, that gouernes

This troupe of Scythians? Speake, Orsthya,

My Menalippe, my Antiope

[Page]

Wee are sworne vassals to your petticoates.

Bawd.

Did you attempt but the least iniury,

There be in readines, would vindicate

The wrongs, and credit of my house.

Trim.

I know

Thy power, punke, and do submit me, punke,

Tam Marti, quam Ʋeneri. Tis thy Motto, punke.

Caprit.

Would I could tell how to get out againe.

Bawd.

How came you in? haue you performd all duties?

Trim.

I threw thy Cerberus a sleepy Morsell,

And payd thy Charon for my waftage ouer.

And I haue a golden sprig for my Proserpine.

Bawd.

Then you are wel-come, sir.

Trim.

Nay I do honour

Thee, and thy house, and all thy vermine in't.

And thou dost well to stand vpon thy guard,

Spight of the statutes. Tis a Castle this,

A Fort, a Metrapolitan bawdy house.

A Cynosarges, such as Hercules

Built in the honour of his pedegree,

For entertainment of the bast ard issue

Of the bold Spartan.

Bawd.

You haue sayd enough, sir.

And for requitall, I will shew you in,

Where you shall read the titles, and the prices.

Trim.

But here's a brother of mine is somewhat bashfull:

I'd faine deliuer him to thy discipline.

Bawd.

What, is he bashfull? that's a fault indeed.

Come hither, chops, you must not be so shamefac'd?

Trim.

Loe you there, sir, you shall come forth in print▪

March on, my Calypso, come sir, follow your colours.

You shall haue the leading of the first title,

Actus 4. Scene 3.

Agurtes like a Constable.

Antolicus Snarle like watchmen.

Agur.

Are your disguises ready?

[Page]

Antol.

I haue mine.

Snarle.

Mine's in my pocket.

Agur.

Put it on your face.

Now they are hous [...], Ile watch their comming forth,

And fright them in the forme of a Constable,

If that succeeds well, then Ile change the person,

To a Iustice of peace, and you shall act

My clarke Antolicus. They say an officer

Dares not appeare about the Gates: Ile try it.

For I haue made one drunke, and got his staffe.

Which I will vse with more authority,

Then Mercury his all-commanding rod,

To charme their steps, that none shall passe this way;

Without examination. There stalkes one,

Ardelio passes by▪

Ile first know what he is; now they drop away,

As if they leapt out from the Troian horse;

This is the Autumne of the night: who goes there?

Ardel.

A friend.

Antol.

Friend, or foe, come before the Constable,

Agur.

Whence come you, friend?

Ardel.

And't please you Sir, I haue

Been wayting on my neece, home to her lodging.

Agur.

Why, is your Neece a Leagerer, asuttler,

Or Laundresse to this Fort?

Ardel.

No, and it like you,

Shee lyes without the campe.

Agur.

You lye like a Pimpe.

You are an Apple-squire, a Rat, and a Ferret.

I saw you bolt out from that Conney-berry.

Ardel.

M ^r. Constable.

Agur.

Out of the wind of mee what do you thinke,

You can put out the eyes of a gorcrow?

Fob mee off so, the Constable, that haue

The parish stock of witt in my hands? I am glad,

That I haue got you from your couert. You shall

Bee learcht, you shall along with me sir.

Ardel,

Whither?

Agur.

No farther then to prison, where you shall pay,

[Page]

But forty shillings for noctiuagation.

Ardel.

I am vndone then. There are forty old scores,

I owe in Towne, will follow after mee.

Agur.

What are you? whats your name?

Ard.

Ardelio,

A Lords seruant.

Agur.

Do Lords seruants doe this?

Ardel.

Alas, a veniall sinne, wee vse to learne it,

When wee come first to be pages.

Agur.

Stand by, ther's one has got a clap too.

Miscellanio passes by.

Miscel.

The shirt of Hersuses was not so hot.

Snarle.

Ther's one sure has beene hurt with a Gronieado.

Agurt.

How now, who's there?

Miscel.

Here's no body.

Agur.

No body. My senses fayle mee then, who ist?

What man are you?

Miscel.

No man, you are deceiu'd,

I can not find I am a man, that part

Is dead, wherein I once was an Achilles:

Anto.

Come neerer.

Miscel.

I can not go, I haue lost my nerues.

Antol.

You shall be carryed to the Iayle then▪

Miscel.

Fitter

For an Hospitall. I am condemned already

To fluxes, and dyer drinkes.

Trimalchio. Capritio.

Trim.

Murder, Murder, M ^r. Constable, Murder.

Agur.

Who's that Heronimoes sonnes ghost in the Garden?

Trim.

O M ^r. Constable, wee haue beene so vsde,

As neuer two aduentrous Gentlemen

In the hands of their enemies.

Agur.

Whats the matter?

Trim.

Let mee take breath: I am at the last gaspe.

We haue eskapt from the denne of the Cyclops,

There was one ranne a spit against my eyes.

Caprit.

Amongst the rest, there was a blinke-eyed woman

Set a great dog vpon mee.

Trm.

They haue spoyld vs

Of our cloakes, our hats, our swords, and our money.

[Page]

Snarle.

Your wits, and credit were both lost before.

Caprit.

No, wee had not our wits about vs then.

Trim.

Good sir, let's thinke on some reuenge, call vp

The Gentlemen prentises, and make a Shrouetuesday.

Agur.

By no meanes, I must suppresse all violence.

Caprit.

My brother talkt of building of a sconce,

And straight they seazd our cloakes for the reckoning.

Trim.

There I lost my hat and sword in the reskew.

Agur.

Twas weldone.

Trim.

And whilst some stroue to hold my hands,

The other diu'd in my pockets. I am sure,

There was a fellow with a tand face, whose breath

Was growne sulphurous with oathes and tobacco,

Puft terror in my face, I shal neuer bee

Mine owne man againe.

Bawd and whores from aboue.

Bawd.

Stop their throates, somebody.

1 Who.

Twere a good deed to haue made them swim the mote.

2 Who.

I, to haue siript them, and sent them out naked.

1 Who.

Let's sally out, and fetch them in againe.

Then call a court on them for false alarums.

Trim.

Flye from their rage, sir; they are worse then Harpyes,

They'll teare vs, as the Thracians did Orpheus,

Whose Musicke, though it charmd the powers of Hell,

Could not bee heard amongst these. Mr. Ardelio

And Miscellanio, I ioy to see you,

Though ill met here.

Miscel.

Signiour Trimalchio,

Sir you must pardon me. I can not stoope.

I haue the Grincums in my backe, I feare

Will spoyle my courtship.

Trim.

Mr. Ardelio,

Who would expected to haue met you here?

Ard.

Nay, who would not expect it? tis my haunt.

I loue it, as a pigeon, loues a salt-pit.

Miscel.

O mee! my scholler too how came he hither?

I did not meane t'impart this mystery.

How could hee find it out?

Trim.

His owne Minerua,

[Page]

And my helpt, sir.

Agur.

Well, you must all together,

Trim.

Whither must wee go?

Agur.

Marry, before a Iustice,

To answere for your ryot.

Ardel.

M. Constable.

Agur.

I can not dispence with it.

Miscel.

Let vs redeeme our peace.

Agur.

Not before next sessions. Bring them away.

Snarle.

Come, there's no remedy.

Actus 4. Scene 4.

Bawd, Whores, Pander.

Bawd.

Was euer such a treacherous plot intended,

Against our State, and dignity?

Pand.

Had this

Past with impunity, they might haue sworne,

Vengeance had r [...]nne the country.

1. Whore.

But I hope,

They haue no cause to boast their victory,

Pand.

Now by this aire, as I am a true sould [...]er,

Bred vnder, and deuoted to your Banne,

But that your pitty did prenent my rage,

They should haue knowne no quarter, for this brow

Brookes no affronts.

2. Whore.

Captaine, you fought it brauely.

Bawd.

Wee'l haue a stone grauen with characters.

To intimate your prowesse.

Pand.

No, my deare Gorgons,

I will not haue my same wander without

The precincts of your Castell: tis enough

It can be sheltred heere, within these walls.

And to recount with your acknowledgements,

What this Fort owes to my protection.

Bawd.

Captaine, wee must confesse you are our Guardian.

Pand.

Then let mee sacrifice vnto my humour.

All you this night, shall be at my disposing,

To drinke and dra [...], tis the fault of your fortune

That do professe this trade, t'haue somebody,

[Page]

To spend your purchase on, tis my decree,

What others ryot, you should waste on me.

Actus 4. Scene 4.

Agurtes like a Iustice of peace. Antelicus his Clarke.

Agur.

What, are they come?

Antol.

Yes, sir.

Agur.

Then let mee see

How I can act it: do I looke like a Iustice?

Antol.

As fearefull as an Asse in a Lyons skinne, sir.

Agur.

Here I begin my state. Suppose mee now

Come downe the staires, out of the dining roome,

Into the hall, and thus I begin. Brisco.

Call Brisco my Clarke.

Antol.

At your elbow, sir.

Agur.

Reach mee my ensigne of authority,

My staffe I meane. Fy, fy, how dull you are,

And incomposed? Now set me in my chaire,

That I may looke like a Cathedrall Iustice,

That knew, what belongs to an Assignanimus,

And Dedimus potestatis. Nay, though we are

O [...] the peace, wee can giue Priscian a knocke.

Let mee alone now to determine causes,

As free from error as the Pope. Old Minos,

And Rhadmanth, are not so skilldith vrne,

As I am in the statutes. I haue them ad vngue [...]

Now if they enter, at their perill bee it.

How dost thou like my action?

Antol.

Very well, sir.

Agur.

Let them come in.

Enter Snarle like a Constable. Trimalchio, Capritio, M [...]scellanio, Ardelio.

Now Mr Constable,

I must commend your diligence. Come hither.

Snarl.

Sir I haue brough foure men before your Worship,

I found last night, at midnight, in the streets,

[Page]

Raysing a tumult.

Agur.

Brisco, bee ready to take

Their examination. Good: you found foure men,

At midnight. Whose men are they?

Trim.

Our owne men, sir.

Agur.

So it seemes by your Liueries.

Write that downe; first they say, they are their owne men.

Ardel.

Sir, by your fauour, I am not my owne man.

Agur.

I thought they would not all bee in one tale,

I knew I should find them tripping, and I

Once come to sift them. You are not your owne man.

It argues you are drunke. Write his confession,

Ex os tuum te iudico: perge Mr. Constable.

Snarle.

I hold it fit, your Worship should examine

What they did there so late,

Agur.

What did you there

So late?

Miscel.

Good Iustice Eccho, wee had busines.

Agur.

Record, they say they had busines. They shall know.

That I am Iudge of Record, and what I do

Record, shal stand, and they shal haue no power

To plead not guilty in a Scire facias,

By a Recognifance. I haue my termes.

Ardel

Good your Worship, giue vs not such hard words.

Trim.

Tis almost as hard vsage as the Leager.

Agur.

Then you came from the Leager?

Trim.

You may reade

Some aduentures in our habit, wee haue seene,

And tasted the experience of the warres.

Miscel.

They haue made me of another religion,

I must turne Iew, I thinke, and bee circum [...]ised.

I may be any thing, now I shall lose a Limme.

I may goe seeke my pension with the souldiers.

But ti [...] no matter, I'll turne valiant,

And fight with the stumpe.

Agur.

You are a fighter then.

T [...]is doth appeare to mee, to bee a ryot.

What thinke you, Mr. Constable?

Snarle.

I thinke no lesse.

[Page]

Agur.

Twas adterrorem populum.

Snarle.

I know not

What you meane, but I meane as your Worship meanes.

I did perceiue they had beene quarelling.

Agur.

Why then 'twas an affray, a sudden affray,

Directly against the State of Northampton.

The Decimo tertio of Harry the fourth cleares the doubt.

How doe you trauerse this? what doe you answere?

Ard.

We make a question, by your Worships fauour,

Vnder correction, whether that which was

Done vnder forraine powers, in forraine Lands,

Be punishable heere or no.

Agur.

How proue you that?

Ard.

Tis a prouince by it selfe, a priuiledg'd place,

A strong corporation, and has factions

In Court and Citty.

Trim.

Is inhabited

With furies, that do multiply like Hydra:

An army of diseases can't suppresse them,

Besides their many fallings t'other way.

Agur.

I should be loth t'infringe their liberties,

Ile send you to betryed, from whence you came then.

Caprit.

O good your Worship, hang vs vp at home first,

Let vs indure the racke or the strappado,

We do submit vs to your Worships censure.

Agur.

Haue you prouided sureties for the peace then?

Ard.

More neede to prouide somethings for my belly.

I thinke they meane to keepe me for a race.

I am falne away quite, I was like a hogshead.

Now I amable to runne thorow my hoopes.

Agur.

Whats he that halts before [...] doe you mocke me?

Tis ill halting before acripple, [...]

Miscel.

This sore against my will, I can not helpe it.

Would I could runne away with halfe my teeth.

Agur.

Can't a man haue the venerable gowt,

Or the bone-ache, but you must imitate him?

Miscel.

Good M ^r. Iustice.

Agur.

Mocke your fellow rogues.

I am none of those, that raysd my fortunes with

[Page]

Fiddling and Tobacco. Make his Mittimus.

Snarle.

And't please you sir, here's one has brought a Letter.

Agur.

From whom?

Snarle.

He sayes, from one Mistrisse Millescent,

The contents will informe you.

The Letter.

NOble sir, I am sorry to interest my vnstay [...]d honour in the patronage of offendors, orto abuse the credit I haue with you, in stopping the course of Iustice against them, whose youthfull licenciousnesse, would pollute the pen of a Lady to excuse it. On the other part, J hold it the betraying of a virgins sweete disposition, to withdraw her fauours, where she has once plac'd them, although there be some want of desert. I must confesse tis an Antipathy to my nature, to see any Gentleman suffer, when I may preuent it. Howsoeuer I haue found a disrespect from him, yet I forget it. For anger abides in the bosomes of women, as snow on the ground: where it is smooth and leuell, it fals quickly off, but remaynes where it is rough and vneuen. That this may appeare to bee true, I would intreate you to dismisse those two Gentlemen and their associates, M ^r. Trimalchio, and Capritio, whose ryotous loosenesse has made them obnoxious to your censure, and my suspicion. Thus [Page]not doubting the successe of my letter, I rest in your fauour as you may presume on mine, and your true friend,

Millescent.

Agur.

This Lady, that has writ in your behalfe,

Is one I honour.

Trim.

How [...]ould she heare of it?

Agur.

It [...]es, your fault is quickly blowne abroad.

[...] rather seale a Nouerint vniuersi,

For a thousand pound stale commodities,

Then thee should know of it.

Agur.

As for you two,

You may pay your fees and depart, you haue

Your manumission, or this Ladies sake.

Master. Constable, you are discharg'd, and you may

Goe along with them and receiue their fees.

Mis.

Though I say nothing, yet I smell something:

A Lady send a letter? Shee is, in loue

With me, Ile pawne my life, and I nere knew it.

I'le get my backe well, and goe visit her.

Ard.

Now I haue got my teeth at liberty,

And they ere tye me to the racke againe,

Let me be choakt.

Exeunt Miscellanio, Snarl [...], Ardelio!

Agur.

Well, I perceiue you are

A fauourite to this Lady. Whats your name?

Trim.

Trimalchio.

Agur.

And yours?

Capr.

Capritie.

Agur.

Two ancient names in Camden, Of what country?

Capr.

Of Norfolke.

Agur.

The Capritios of Norfolke.

I thinke we shall bee kin anon. My mother

Was a Capritie, and of that house;

Are you alyed vnto this Lady?

Trim.

No sir.

But I haue formerly beene entertain'd

[Page]

As a poore [...]utor to her graces fauour.

Agur.

I finde by that, you are a man of fashion.

And would you then?

Trim.

Nay good sir, doe not chide.

Agur.

Yes, I must tell you, that you were to blame,

Hauing so faire a fortune before you, to wrong

A Lady of her spirit; so rich, and faire,

Of vn [...]ep [...]ooued chastity, and one

So high in birth, nay 'tis not possible

To speake her vertues, and present your selfe

So [...]umpishly, nay perhaps fill her bed

Full of diseases.

Trim.

Good sir, say no more.

I am a [...]raycor, I haue kild a man,

Committed sacriledge. Let her seeke reuenge

For these, or if lesse punishment will serue:

To haue me beaten, Ile runne naked to her.

Agur.

I will not presse a good nature so farre:

You two shall stay and dine with me. Ile send

My coach for your Mistris, it shall goe hard:

But I will make you friends, before we part.

Actus 5.

Scene 1.

Philautus, Fidelio, Faustina.

Faust.

Now let mee bid you welcome from the warres,

Laden with conquest, and the golden fleece

Of honour, which like Iason, you haue brought

T'inrich your Country, now indebted to you.

Had it not beene a pitty such a talent

Of vertue should be lost or ill imployd?

Phil.

Lady, you are a good Physicion,

It was your counsel wrought' this miracle,

Beyond the power of Aesculapius:

For when my mind was stupified, and lost

In the pursuit of pleasures: all my body

Torne, and dissected with close vanityes,

You haue collected me anew to life:

[Page]

And now I come to you, with as chaste thoughts,

As they were first adulterous, and yeeld

A due submission for the wrong I did

Both to your selfe, and sex.

Faust.

Sir. for my part,

You haue your pardon.

Phil.

You were borne to quit mee.

Fude.

But when you know the Authour of your freedome,

You'll thanke her more.

Phil.

Why, who is it?

Fudel.

Your sister.

Phil.

Who? not Faustina? shee told me so indeed,

Her name was Faustina. Let mee looke vpon her,

As on the picture of all goodnesse, engrauen

By a celestiall finger, shall weare out:

A marble character. I knew her not,

I am glad there is ascien of our ftock.

Can beare such fruit as this, so ripe in vertue.

Where haue you liu'd recluse? you were betrothd

To one Fidelio; but crost by your father.

I haue heard good reports of the Gentleman.

Faust.

I neuer knew you flatter any man

Vnto his face before.

Phil.

Vnto his face?

Where is hee?

Fidel.

My name's Fidelio.

Phil.

I am transported, rauisht: giue mee leaue

Good gods, to entertaine with reuerence,

So great a comfort. Let mee first embrace you.

Great ioyes, like greifes, are silent. Loose mee now,

And let me make you fast. Here ioyne your hands,

Which no age shall vnty. Let happinesse

Distill from you, as the Arabian gummes,

To blesse your issue.

Fidel.

Now I hope, sweet Lady,

The time has put a period to your vow.

Faust.

Tis ended now, and you may take a comfort,

That I could tye my selfe to such a law.

For you may hope thereby, I shall obserue you

[Page]

With no lesse strict obedience.

Fide.

I beleeue you.

Phil.

And for her dowry, I will treble it,

Enter Snarle.

Heere Sanrle is come to be a witnesse to it.

Snarle.

My Lord Philautus, if I may presume

To congratulate your Honours safe returne,

I must confesse, I doe it with my heart,

And all your friends long to participate

Your happy presence.

Phil.

Thankes both to them and thee.

Snarle.

Master Fidelio, no lesse to you.

I see you happy in your Mistris fauour:

And thats as much, as I can wish to you.

Fidel.

You haue bin alwaies priuy to my counsell

Aske me no questions now, I shall resolue you

When we come in.

Phil.

How fares our Campe at home,

Trimalchio, and the rest?

Snarle.

I haue beene busie,

In proiecting for them, they must all bee married.

I haue seene the interlude of the Leager:

And we haue playd the Iustice, and the Constable:

I will not prepossesse you with the sport,

But I will shew you such ascene of laughter.

Phil.

Where is Ardelio

Snarle.

Your seruant Ardelio.

Tis the notorioust mixture of a villaine,

That euer yet was bred vnder the dunghill

Of seruitude. Hee has more whores at command,

Then you haue horses. He has stables for them,

His priuate vawting houses.

Phil.

Discharge him the house.

Take his accounts and office, and dispose them.

Snarle.

Euer your Lordships true and faythfull seruant.

[Page]

Actus 5 Scene 2.

Millescent, Margery.

Milles.

When was my Father, and the Captaine heere?

Marg.

They are plotting abroad, I hope to see you shortly

Honestly marryed, and then turne vertuous.

Milles.

Tis the course of the world now, Margery.

But yet I feare, I haue got such a tricke,

When I was young, that I shall neuer leaue it.

Marg.

What helpe then? the poore Gentleman must suffer,

Good Trimalchio: tis his fate.

Milles.

I am thinking,

What I shall do with him, when I am marryed.

Marg.

What do other women do with their husbands?

Bring him vp in obedience, make him besides

An implement to saue your reputation.

Let him not presse into your company

Without permission, you must pretend,

You are asham'd of him. Let him not eate,

Nor lye with you, vnlesse he pay the hire

Of a new gowne, or petticote: liue with him,

As if you were his neighbour, onely neere him,

In that you hate his friends: and when you please.

To shew the power you carry ouer him,

Send him before on foot, and you come after

With your coach and foure horses.

Milles.

Tis fitting so

Enter Miscellanio.

Host now what peece of motion haue wee heere

Would you speake with any body?

Miscel.

My businesse,

Is to the Lady Millescent.

Milles.

Whats your will?

Miscel.

Are you that Lady?

Milles.

Yes, my name is so.

Miscel.

To you then I derect m [...] apologie.

[Page]

It seemes your eye with approbation,

Has glanc'd vpon my person. I protest

I neuer was so dull in the construction

Of any Ladyes fauour in my life:

I am asham'd of my error.

Milles.

In what, sir?

I can not call to mind that ere I saw you.

Miscel.

You haue beene still too modest to conceale it.

That was not my fault: you did ill to striue

To hide the flames of loue, they must haue vent:

Tis not the walls of flesh can hold them in.

Milles.

What riddles haue we heere? that I should loue you?

I would not haue you thinke so wel of your selfe.

Marg.

Perhaps hee has some petition to deliuer,

Or would desire your letter to some Lord.

Misce.

I know not how, sure I was stupifyed,

I haue ere now ghest at a Ladyes mind,

Only by the warbling of her Lutestring,

Kissing her hand, or wagging of her feather,

And suffer you to pine for my imbraces,

And not conceiue it?

Milles.

Pray bee pacified.

This fellow will perswade me, I am in loue.

Miscel.

Lady, you haue tooke notice of my worth

Let it not repent you. Bee not stubborne

Towards your happinesse. You haue endur'd

Too much already for my sake, you shall see,

Pitty can melt my heart. I take no delight,

To haue a Lady languish for my lioe.

I am not made of flint as you suspect mee.

Milles.

I would thou wert conuerted to a pillar,

For a memoriall of this impudence.

Miscel.

You shall know what tis to tempt me heereafter,

When I shall let you perish for your folly.

I came to remunerate the curtesie,

I receiu'd from your Ladiship.

Milles.

I know of none.

Miscel.

I must acknowledge my selfe bound to you

Milles.

For what?

Miscel.

Your Letter to the Iustice, Lady,

[Page]

It freed me from the pounces of those varlets,

When I was vnder the gripe of the Law.

I know, the onely motiue was your loue.

Milles.

I cry you mercy, were you one of them

That drew Trimalchio to those idle courses?

I am ashamed of the benefit, leaue mee

That I may not see the cause of my sorrow:

But 'tis no matter, we shall leaue you first.

Exeunt Millescent, Margery.

Miscel.

They shall find, I am no man to be slighted,

And that shee has misplac'd her affection.

When I haue wrackt the wrongs on my corriuall,

Trimalchio, looke to thy selfe, were hee remou'd,

There might be hopes, my valour shall make known

There is a difference. Ile straight to the tauerne:

And when I once am hot with good Canary,

I pronounce him dead that affronts my fury.

Actus 5. Scene 3.

Ardelio.

Turn'd out of seruice the next turne will be

Vnder the Gallows, and haue a Ballad made of me,

The corruption of a casheer'd Seruing-man,

Is the generation of a thiefe. I scare,

My fate poynts me not out to so good fortune.

My bulke will not serue me to take a purse.

The best thing I am fit for, is a tap [...]ter,

Or else get a wench of mine owne, and sell

Bottell Ale and Tobacco, that's my refuge

They tearmd me parasite, 'tis a mystery

Is like a familiar, that leaues a man

When he is neere his execution.

I haue no power to flatter my selfe now,

I might haue gone a wooing to some widdow,

And had his countenance, but now the tenants

Looke like their Bacon, rustily, vpon me.

[Page]

Enter Ieffry.

What, Ieffery! thou art the comfort of my woes:

Welcome, good Ieffry.

Ieff.

Thankes to your good Worship;

Ard.

Where are my hangings, Ieffry?

Ieff.

Very wel, sir.

Lockt in a Cypresse chest, for feare of Moths.

Aed.

And all the other furniture good Ieffry.

Ieff.

They are kept safe, and well ary'd for your Worship.

Ardel.

Thanks, good Ieffry. I were in a sweet case,

If I had not conuayd somethings away,

To maintaine mee hereafter.

Ieffry.

Why so, sir?

Ard.

I may go set vp bils now for my liuing,

Cry Vineger vp and downe the streets; or fish

At blacke Fryers stayres; or sit against

A wall, with a library of ballads before mee.

Ieff.

You are not out of seruice.

Ard.

Turnd a grazing,

In the wide Common of the world, Ieffry.

Ieff.

Then are my hopes at best, I haue no reason

To care for him any longer; a word with you.

What furniture do you meane?

Ard.

Those that I sent,

The beds, and hangings.

Ieff.

Did you send any such?

Ardel.

I hope you will not vse mee so.

Ieff.

Your owne words.

I must make the best benefit of my place:

You know, tis not an age to bee honest in.

Tis the only high-way vnto pouerty.

I know not how, I do not fancy you

Of late.

Arde.

I chose thee for thy knauish looke.

And now thou hast requited mee: of all

My euils, thou art the worst.

Ieff.

No fayth, sir.

You haue a worse commodity at my house.

But you may saue the charges of a writ.

[Page]

Ile send her you without reprieue or bayle.

I doe you that fauour.

Ard.

No, you may keepe her still.

Ieff.

My thinkes you are much deiected with your fall,

I finde an alteration in your face.

You looke like an Almanacke of last yeeres date.

Or like your liuery cloake, of two yeeres wearing.

Worse then the smoaky wall of a bawdy house.

Ard.

Villaine, dost thou insult on me?

Ieff

No fayth sir,

Al [...]sse, tis not within the reach of man,

To countermine your plots.

Ard.

Well, slaue, because

Ile rid my hands of thee, Ile giue thee a share.

Ieff.

You must haue none, without lawfull proceeding.

And that I know, you dare not.

Enter Snarle, and Officers.

Snarle.

But I dare.

Haue you beene partners all this while in mischiefe,

And now fall out, who shall bee the most knaue?

Ieff.

What doe you meane?

Snarle.

I meane to search your house

For ammunition, no otherwise,

Which I suspect you send vnto the Leager.

Ieff.

Sir I haue nothing there, but one crackt piece

Belongs to this Gentleman, can doe no seruice.

She is spoyld in the bore.

Snarle.

Wee'l haue her new cast.

Come, bring them away.

Ard.

Nay good sir, you know,

That I was lately quit before a Iustice.

And if I fall in a relapse.

Snarle.

Al's one

To me, but you must satisfie the Law.

Ard.

Well then, I know the worst of it.

[Page]

Actus 4. Scene 4.

Agurtes, Antolicus. Trimalchio, Capritio.

Agur.

Master Trimalchio, 'tis an age since I saw you.

Trim.

I was nere out of towne.

Agur.

Not out of towne?

We sought you about all the Ordinaries,

Tauernes and Bawdyhouses, we could imagine

You euer haunted.

Trim.

You might haue found vs then.

Antol.

Nay more, we inquir'd at the Play-houses.

Agur.

'Twas once in my minde, to haue had you cryed.

Antol.

We gaue you lost.

Trim.

Well, shall I tell you, Captaine?

Antol.

I; doe, what ist?

Trim.

This Gentleman and I

Haue past through purgatory, since I saw you.

If I should tell you all the passages

At the Leager.

Antol.

Thither we came to meete you,

And you were gone.

Capr.

And then at the Iustices.

Agur.

Were you before the Iustice?

Trim.

'Tis such a story

Would fill a Chronicle.

Capr.

We met with a party of the enemies,

Tooke all we had from vs, and then it cost vs

Forty shillings in fees at the Iustices.

Agur.

That was hard dealing.

Capr.

The old boy and I

Grew to be kin at last.

Trim.

He made me sure

To my mistris, before we parted.

Agur.

How?

[Page]

By what strange accident?

Trim.

Honest Ardelio,

And Misellanio, wee were all together

In rebellion, and quit by a Letter,

That came from my mistresse.

Agur.

Ist possible?

And Miscellanio turne traytor?

Trim.

What.

Agur.

Would haue your mistresse from you, thinkes the Letter

Was sent for his sake.

Trim.

That I am sure hee does not.

Agur.

Threatens, and sweares that he wil fight for her.

Trim.

If hee bee weary of his life, hee may.

Why what can hee pretend to her?

Agur.

I know not,

What has past betweene them, but I am sure,

He has beene practising at the Fencing schoole,

To get a trick to kill you.

Trim.

Hee kill mee!

I'll kill him first. I fight by Geometry.

Agur.

How? By Geometry?

Trim.

Yes sir, heere I hold

My Rapier, marke mee, in a diameter

To my body; thats the center, conceiue mee.

Antol.

Your body is the center, very good.

Trim.

And my hilt, part of the circumference.

Antol.

Well sir.

Trim.

Which hilt is bigger then my body.

Anto.

Then your whole body?

Trim.

Yes at such a distance.

And hee shall neuer hit mee, whilst hee liues.

Antol.

Where did you learne this? At the leager?

Trim.

No.

No by this light: it is my owne inuention.

I learnt it in my trauels.

Anto.

Very strange:

You are a scholler.

Tri.

No: I would not bee

[...]uspected of such a crime for a Million.

[Page]

But tis no sinne to know Geometry;

And by that, I can tel wee shal nere fight.

Antol.

Not fight at all?

Trim.

I'l shew you in Geometry,

Two paralels can neuer meet: now wee two

Being paralels, for so wee are, that is

Equal in wit and valour, can neuer meet.

And if wee neuer meet, wee shal nere fight.

Enter Miscellanio.

Antol.

To proue your axiome false, see where hee comes▪

Trim.

I do defy him.

Miscel.

Hang thee blustring sonne

Of Aeolus, defy me! I'll tye vp thy breath

In bags, and sell it for a penny an ounce.

Antol.

Draw sir.

Miscel.

Draw if hee dares.

Capri.

Sure, this is the second part of the Leager.

Twere best for me, to hide mee in my cabin.

Exit Capritio.

Miscel.

Wil you resigne your mistresse?

Trim.

No, I scorne it.

Miscel.

Vnlesse you'l haue her tane away by force.

Antol.

I see, this cannot be ended without bloud.

Trim.

Captaine, a word with you.

Anto.

What say you sir?

Trim.

I am afrayd he comes with the blacke art.

Antol.

How you afrayd? do not say so for shame.

Trim.

Hee has layne with an old witch at Sweden.

And is growne sticke free.

Antol.

Fy that you shall say so.

Trim.

I'll be resolu'd of that before I fight.

Antol.

Why, do you thinke that witches haue such power?

Trim.

I marry do I, I haue knowne one of them,

Do more then that, when her husband has followed

Strange women, shee has turnd him into a Bezer,

And made him bite out his owne stones.

Antol.

Tis strange!

Trim.

I'll tell you another as strange as that, of one

[Page]

When a Vintner has sent her but ill wine,

Shee has conuerted him into a Frog.

And then coniur'd him into one of his butts,

Where hee has liued twelue moneths vpon the lees,

And when his old ghests chance to come to see him,

Hee has croackt to them, out at the bunghole.

Antol.

This is miraculous.

Trim.

There was a Lawyer

That spoke against one of them at the barre.

Antol.

What did shee then?

Trim.

Turnd him into a Ram,

And still that Ram retaynes his profession,

Has many Clients, and pleads causes as well

As some Lawyers in Westminster.

Anto.

Do you thinke,

That hee has had recourse to any such?

Trim.

I know not, but tis good to bee mistrustfull.

Hee may haue aduantage in the encounter.

Enter Millescent. Margery.

Miscel.

There she comes, winne her, and weare her.

Milles.

Hold your hands.

I'll haue no bloud a prologue to my wedding.

Trim.

Nay then haue at you. Hold mee not, I say [...]

I am as fierce as hee.

Milles.

Bee pacified.

I thought you had beene both bound to the peace.

Antol.

Lady, it seemes, that these two Gentlemen

Do stand in competition for your loue.

Milles.

Mr. Trimalchio, I confesse, has beene

A former suitor, but with his ill carriage,

He has thus long preuented his good fortune.

Antol.

Then let mee make a motion.

Milles.

What is it?

Antol.

Will they both stand to it?

Trim.

I agree.

Miscel.

And I.

Autol.

Then let the Lady dispose of her selfe.

Trim.

Shee is mine already. I am sure to her,

[Page]

Before a Iustice.

Miscel.

I will haue no woman,

Against her will.

Milles.

No sir, nor you shall not,

Since you are so peremptory, on your words then

That hee shall sing a Palinodium,

And recant his ill courses, I assume

My Loue Trimalehio.

Capritio peeps out.

Capri.

Do wee take, or are we taken?

Trim.

Nay, wee do take.

Agur.

Who's that, Capritio? where haue you beene?

Come your wayes forth, and lay hands on the spoyle.

Goe lead away that Lady by the hand.

Now you may take occasion by the foretop,

Aduance your owne predominant the better,

And march away,

Trim.

Come, let vs to the Church.

Exeunt.

Trimalchio, Millescent. Capritio, Margery.

Miscel.

And what must I do now? bee laught at?

Agur.

Would you

Hazard your selfe, for one that cares not for you?

You may be glad you scap't. Recall your selfe.

Were not you formerly engagd?

Miscel.

No, neuer.

Agur.

Not to mistris Quartilla?

Miscel.

Fayth we haue toy'd

In iest sometime.

Agur.

Let it bee now in earnest.

Make her amends. I know shee loues you.

Miscel.

Well.

I will haue her, and stand vp for my portion,

With the rest of my tribe.

[Page]

Actus 5.

Scena vltima.

Snarle, Philantus.

Snarle

Stay heere a little, they are gone to Church,

And will returne in couples. First, Trimalchio,

That Gyant in conceit, thinkes he is ma [...]cht

To some great heire, but shall imbrace a cloud

In stead of Iuno. Then her waiting woman,

Her Iris, reflects vpon Capritio,

And for my piece of fragmentary Courtship,

My Miscellany Gentleman, 'tis his lot

To bee cast vpon Quartilla with Agurtes

In his old Iusticeship. All these march together,

Like the seuen deadly sinnes, and behind them,

Comes Antolicus, the clarke of the company.

Enter Agurtes like a Iustice.

Trimalchio, Millescent. Miscellanio, Quartilla, Capritio, Margery, Antolicus like a Clarke,

Antol.

Looke you sir, here they come.

Trim.

Make roome, me thinkes

You should not stop the course of Iustice so.

My Lord Philantus, you are welcome from

The Warres, and I from the Church. I wonder

Who makes the better returne, you haue got

Honour, and so haue I. But wher's your wealth?

I can imbrace fiue thousand pounds, a yeere.

That's nothing with you, I haue no more wit,

Then to be pi'd by pimpes, and marry whoores,

Yet I meane shortly to ranke with your honour.

Here is my warrant, I haue promisd her,

To make her a Countesse, but thats nothing with you,

Nay, more then this I can goe on, and leaue

Some aduancement: behind me. Ecce signum,

[Page]

Phil.

Tis well, I am glad of your happinesse,

And much ioy to my brother Capritio,

And his faire spouse.

Capri.

She is according to

My hearts desire, sir.

Snarle.

Well, a word with you,

Master Trimalchio, and the rest.

Trim.

What say you?

Snarle.

You were as good know it at first, as at last.

You are not the first, that haue beene deceiued.

Trim.

In what? my wife? I married her for a mayd.

And whether she be one, or no, I care not.

Snarle.

Nay, should I heare a man that should abuse her

In that, I would defend her with my sword.

But she and you must call this man your father.

Trim.

I so she must, hee gaue her at the Church.

Snarl

Nay, her owne naturall father, flesh and bone,

I hope shee'l not deny it.

Milles.

No indeede, sir.

I wou'd not liue to be so vngracious.

Agur.

I must acknowledge thee my child, or I

Sho [...]ld doe thy mother wrong.

Trim.

I doe not thinke so,

You'l not make me beleeue that I tooke her

For a Lords daughter, and a great heire. Where are

Agurtes and the Captaine to iustifie it?

Is hee your father?

Milles.

He has euer bred mee:

And I haue alwayes cal'd him so. I hope

It is no shame: my parentage is honest.

Trim.

Well, if hee bee, tis no disparagement,

To marry a Iustices daughter.

Snarle.

Come, you haue

Beene carryed hood winkt through this businesse.

Nor is the day yet cleere before you. Marke mee;

I'll open but one leafe in all the booke,

And you shall see the whole discouery.

[Page]

Come sir, vnease.

Agurtes and Antolicus pull off there disguises.

Trim.

Who haue we heere? Agurtes

And the Captaine? Was't you that playd the Iustice?

And you his clarke?

Snarle.

And I the Constable.

Trim.

Then you are a knot of knaues for your labour.

Now I perceiue that I am playnly guld.

Capr.

I am glad ther's no man cheated but himselfe.

Snarle.

Your arrow is one of the same quiuer too.

Trim.

Ile none of her by this light.

Agur.

Why, you may chuse.

And yet I doe not well see, how you can chuse.

She is your wife, and you haue married her,

And must allow her meanes to maintayne her.

You may declare your selfe vnto the world.

And bee laught at: but keepe your owne counsell,

And who needs know of it?

Phil.

Beleeue me sir,

The Gentlewoman is not to be despisde,

Her wit and vertues are dowry sufficient.

Trim.

Nay, if you say so, then must I needs loue her:

But by this hand, I thought you would haue jeer'd me.

Phil.

Hold on your course, march on as you came in,

And rest content, since fate has thought it fit,

To make your fortunes equall with your wit.

FINIS.

[Page]

This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Text Creation Partnership. Searching, reading, printing, or downloading EEBO-TCP texts is reserved for the authorized users of these project partner institutions. Permission must be granted for subsequent distribution, in print or electronically, of this EEBO-TCP Phase II text, in whole or in part.